Ep. 284 – potpourri

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And

we're off.

And it's the show.

Adam just said something incredibly racist.

Yeah.

No, I didn't.

You really did, dude.

I said gigalo, and they thought I was going to say...

I was fondly remembering the time you were ruining.

Yeah, I know.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, yeah, when he just said the N-word.

Yeah, because we were cruising.

That was so funny, dude.

JP, to catch.

And we got our friend JP just penised.

I don't think we've ever acknowledged this.

We have, 100%.

But one time...

Oh, wait.

Did you cut it out?

Yeah, it's cut out.

Yeah, I had to cut it out.

Yeah, we were a bit.

There's been much discussion.

We were doing it.

I didn't say anything.

We were doing a fucking

N-word for no reason.

It sounded like I said it, but I didn't say it.

It was out of complete nowhere.

Song lyrics style?

No, you just said it

from what it sounded like in a much more reprehensible way, but that's it didn't that's not what I was saying.

That's not what it sounded like.

You know what I heard?

I heard you were saying bingo.

I heard someone say, um, say wigga the other day instead of wigger.

And I think it's the inverse of the n-word, where I think if you say it with the soft A, it's actually sounds

worse.

I was arguing the other day that the the new

the new york soft a n-word is actually a different word like etymologically it's a different linguistic well it's short for new yorker it's

a diminutive form of new yorker

when you see you see chinese

teenager in the sevens saying he's like yo my new

york individual

yeah yeah it's like it just turns into that and so to get to call it racist it's like you don't know our culture first of all you don't yeah you just don't speak the language you're a gentrifier, really.

If you have a problem with me saying it, you weren't here in 2014 when

the porn theaters were popping and time.

I don't think I mentioned it on the show.

In New York, yeah, you weren't here in Astoria before we had a Chipotle.

A couple weeks ago.

Eight months ago.

I was at a coffee shop, and I was already inside the coffee shop.

It's a busy place.

So the line goes out the door, and the door opens, and there's this black lady and a white lady arguing already.

And the

black lady is doing the thing where she's on the phone telling her friend what the argument is.

And she's like, She's impatient, and she don't want to wait for no damn line, Karen.

And starts hitting the white lady with Karen.

The white lady's like, please stop talking to me.

Or whatever.

You can tell from her face, it's like this woman probably never in her life.

This was like, she's going to spend years in therapy.

Right.

Because she never considered that she was a Karen.

Right.

She probably spent the last year online retweeting Karen stuff.

100%.

And now her just like

the thing about that lady is like, she probably is now completely racist.

Yeah.

Oh, for sure.

The second

a black person has any criticism, they're gone.

Yeah, it's it.

That's it.

Now it's like they were right.

The whole my dad was right.

Yes, yes.

Daddy was right about these fucking people.

I should have believed it.

And she even tried to hit that bitch about, like, she's like, I come here every day.

And the lady's like, yeah, I've lived here my entire life.

Yeah.

Damn.

Which, honestly, too, I don't think the white lady even did anything wrong.

She just opened the door before checking to see if there was a line.

I see.

But, hey, you know what?

That's what happens.

Dems the rules.

And me

entirely projecting and assuming you've been retweeting Karen's stuff for a year.

No, she did.

She was.

Yeah, probably.

You got to be careful.

You could get trapped in those situations.

I was in a Burger King where that was very chaotic on Fulton and things were just going awry and everyone was waiting for at least 10 minutes for their food.

Yeah.

And people were starting to get vocal.

Right.

And there's one other white guy in there.

I'm not a vocal type.

Just generally, there was a cacophony.

And

the only other white guy.

That was their name, Smith.

Cacophony, where my damn burger at, bitch.

It was a large-eyed cacophony.

The only other white guy in there turned to me and he's like, geez, what's going on?

I'm like, don't bring me into this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We cannot appear to be allies here.

I learned that lesson for the final time.

Like, it was probably two years ago.

There was a black lady on the train beating her mentally retarded son.

Like, fucking, like, just like beating.

And he was like,

he was like, you know, he was like,

you know, like, like, chicken pie, chicken paw, chicken pop pot.

Like, just the most sweetest.

He was saying chicken pie pie.

No, I'm doing the

David Cross from Just Shooters.

Oh, yeah.

He was like, you know, like, like the kid was just, he was just.

Sweet lead.

And she's on her phone.

She's like, you got to pick your son up.

I'm not fucking alone.

But like, taking his neck, this is like a 10-year-old boy taking his neck and slamming his head against the window.

Oh, no.

And, you know, so I got up and I went over to Cross Train.

And I'm like, man, please.

You know, it's like, and then, you know, she's yelling at me and fucking, you know,

just like, oh, you think you're going to save the day?

You know, like doing like the white guy thing.

And it's like, oh, I can do, because, like, what's going to happen is somebody's going to call the police.

Right.

You know, and then.

And then they're going to put him in retard foster care.

Yeah.

So I was just like, he's too sweet to survive.

And it was like, I'm not trying to tell you what to do.

Just like, you know, like,

does any, do you need help?

It's like, what's going on?

You know, and it didn't go anywhere.

And it's like, this is, she's just going to go beat that kid later.

Yeah, even more.

It's probably good that you did something.

I mean, there's going to be backlash every time you interact with it.

No,

in retrospect, it's like, yeah, you just got to keep your fucking head down.

There was this guy.

I was on the G a few months ago, and like this guy just was blocking the doors and preventing them from closing.

He's like, what's the next stop?

What?

And he like leans over to some teenage kid and gets right in his face.

Like, what's the next stop?

And I was like, there's a map right over there.

And he turns around at me and he's got a karate gi on.

He's like, he's like, get outside.

Get off of the next stop.

We're going to fight.

I was like, yeah, go ahead.

It was Steven Sigal.

Yeah.

He had a fucking gi on.

Was he wearing shoes?

I believe he was wearing shoes.

That'd be badass if he was.

I think it was in Philly.

Like, some guy raped a woman for eight minutes on the train.

And it's like, what kind of people would just sit there and watch that happen?

Most people.

It's like, well, yeah, that's wrong.

The correct answer, though, is not to intervene.

It's to go through the cool doors and go to the next suburb.

Yeah.

The cigarette break doors.

It's time to go to the, to

go through the bathroom of the train.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And to, you know, hopefully.

That does feel awesome.

I love when two guys are fighting, so I get to use those doors.

Yeah.

Or when a homeless person

homeless person smells particularly ripe.

Yeah.

You know, that's crazy when you walk into an empty subway car and you realize

why it's empty.

It happens too.

One time, the train, the funniest train thing that ever happened to me is, you know how sometimes you'll get a guy rapping really loudly to himself?

Yes.

Two of those guys got on at the same time.

And

it was literally like, one guy was like, shut up.

And the other guy was like, shut up.

And they were just just like both rapping louder until they were literally fucking each other up.

They were beating the absolute fucking shit out of each other.

Don't jump on another man's verse.

Exactly.

It was literally like that.

And that was like,

one of the best things I saw was a junkie on the train and like just nodding off, but he had headphones on.

And he was like,

he was like, start from the bottom now here.

He just couldn't.

Yeah, he couldn't eat it.

He was like, start from the bottom over here.

And he kept sinking lower and lower

as he sang it.

It's impressive that he's staying up on the train.

Yeah.

Yeah, they have perfect balance.

They have some sort of equilibrium where they can just teeter to almost completely.

You can really see how the Nazis made that drug.

It does seem engineered to create a type of superhero.

They do heroin?

They invented heroin?

No idea.

They were meth guys.

Yeah, they were big meth guys.

But

the two rapping guys on the train that I was in, they were fucking each other up.

And then just like the coolest-looking, like, just like mid-like 50s black guy that looked, he basically looked like common, just like a bald, light-skinned black guy with like an awesome beard.

He was like, Microsoft, A.

He did.

He just like fucking talked them both down, and then he completely diffused the situation.

And then one guy just fucking sucker-punched the other guy and knocked him straight out and just left.

Just ran out the doors.

That's why you got to lock eyes on anyone you have any kind of conflict with on the train.

They're running get out of your sight.

Yeah, I did see actual comed on McDougal Street.

Oh, wow.

And there was a nerdy white guy following him down the street, telling him how lyrical he was.

Oh, that's so awesome.

Fairy on-brand comedy.

That's fucking sweet.

Actually, the best thing I saw on the train recently, I took a picture of the guy, which I rarely.

I feel like creep shotting is okay.

Posting is no, but

just amongst among friends.

Just for the fellas.

There's a guy.

Diffuse balding comb over

television writer's body.

Awesome.

The perfect.

so hot as shit.

Yeah, just, you know, like, just like

you poured it out.

Absolutely no muscle on his, you know, just like an aunt's arms.

Just a gut.

Just all like stupid mouths.

Some fucking lasagna arms.

Yeah.

And I'm trying to remember what book he was reading.

He had a shirt on that said, this is what a sex worker looks like.

No.

He's a sex worker?

And then, yeah, so the shirt said, this is what a sex worker looks like.

And then let me, I sent it.

Hey, guys, selling pussy.

His the book that he was reading.

What if he sucks awesome, cock?

What if you put your cock near that guy's mouth and it just feels the best it's ever felt in your life?

Yeah, he's like the superhead of the Harvard Lampoon.

Yeah,

the book was like modern masculinity or something.

That's so sick.

Yeah, the guy had the whole complete package.

That's so awesome.

So please give me pussy package.

This is what a sex worker looks like.

Because you know that the shirt is supposed to be in solidarity with sex workers that he stands up for.

It's like an I'm Spartacus.

And then the sex workers see that like yeah can you change can you put on something else yeah you're embarrassing for us

you remember with eric oh yeah dude that was so funny what happened we're on the train we're going to some like we're going to the jane hotel we were going to labain nick and i like both wearing backpacks like for like you know like leaving an open mic we meet up my friend eric from college

wasted yeah and it's like the train the train's packed and there's like this girl that's like just this like Brighton beach fucking

just sex trafficked, like

Ukrainian type bitch.

Venom fringe mini skirt.

And fucking Eric just kind of leans over to her all drunk on the train, and he's like, where's the party at?

She just doesn't know how to respond.

I miss him so much.

You are police?

He texted me the other day, pissed about the MLB playoffs.

I'm sick of these fucking big market teams, dude.

Basically, the fucking Dodgers in Houston.

Interestingly, baseball is actually gay.

Yeah, it is gay.

So I don't care.

I'm done with baseball forever.

And plus,

the Astros, although I do respect them just cheating and just getting to fucking play.

I don't respect that.

It's pretty funny.

I mean, yeah, fuck them.

I'm not paying attention until the Yankees rehire Costanza.

There should be an era of just like really massive cheating.

Like on the steroids level, but with like signals and stuff.

That was the best era.

But that's the thing.

If you're going to cheat, be a man and get jacked.

Yeah,

cheating would be a different kind of awesome.

You know what I mean?

If there was like spies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, you try and different

frequencies that are only audible to the Dominicans.

That's what the fucking Astros were doing in the World Series.

They have like dogs' ears.

Weren't they banging on trash cans or something?

Yeah, they had a trash can.

They had like some of the things that I was doing.

I think what happened was they got busted using this technology, but they probably investigated and found out that the rest of the league was probably involved in similar stuff, so they just dropped it.

They had enough dirt on other teams, and it was like,

you guys cheat.

But they were just the most brazen about it.

Yeah, they were probably the worst at it.

They got caught.

I mean, they won the World Series.

There's no way that little fuck knew that Araldes Chapman was going to throw a slider on that last pitch of the LCS.

Yeah,

wasn't there something where he wouldn't take his shirt off?

Yeah, when he was coming to home, he's like, don't rip my shirt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he came came up with some ridiculous lie that was like, No, I have a tattoo.

I have a swash with that tattoo.

What was he doing?

I'm really into American History X.

I know the tattoos.

I watched American History X before I was familiar with World War II.

I just got a cool tattoo.

I don't know when Norton was sick.

I'm going to get it.

That's the best thing about baseball: it's all like just like fat MAGA farm boys and then like passionate Latin men,

like borderline, like

dandy, but like uh yeah, still very hungry for pussy.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yep.

A kind of man I respect.

That's a great two groups being crammed into the same sport.

And then a Japanese guy with a transformation.

And then a couple Japanese who's bowing to everyone.

Yeah.

Shout out to Otani.

That guy's cool.

I fuck with that guy.

You remember when who's the pitcher for the Yankees?

The.

David Wells.

The Japanese dude.

Yeah, the Japanese guy that wrote the apology.

He wrote an apology letter in the New York Times when he got hurt.

Tideo Nomo?

No, no.

No, he was a Dodger.

Tanaka.

Tanaka.

Yeah, he was there.

Tanaka, he did get surgery, and he wrote an apology.

He was sorry.

He was like, this is dishonorable.

Yeah, I brought dishonor to the guy.

That's fucking shit.

That guy ruled.

Yeah, dude.

The Yanks had a couple.

They used to always get a couple Japanese guys.

They'd pay them way too much money.

Yeah, and they would bust.

They would almost always bust.

Tanaka's good, though.

China's got baseball now.

They do?

Yeah.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, I watched it out.

Maybe they had it and they got rid of it because it wasn't popular.

Yeah.

With the Beijing fruits.

Well, now they realize they could take basketball from America.

They could probably take baseball, too.

What kind of sports do the Chinese play?

Karate?

Well, they're like gymnastics, I guess.

They're fucking

sick at Ping Pong.

All the shit that they win the gold medals for.

Ping pong's right.

They're winning.

All the flipping sports.

That's pretty sick.

When I went to the Olympics in 2004 in Athens,

I went to see Ping Pong.

Those guys were fucking sick with it, dude.

Yeah.

I was jealous.

There was something.

It was the Olympics this year.

Yeah, yeah.

There was that one clip from Ping Pong that was insane.

Did you see that?

He was just running all over the room.

But I mean, it was like an insane volley.

Like they were on the opposite, like from, they're both

perpendicular to the table.

Right, right.

Yeah, yeah.

40 feet away.

Yeah, but on the sides of that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the spinning and shit is so fucking sick.

I wish I was as good as anything that those motherfuckers are at ping pong.

Yeah, literally anything.

Like, even like putting my shoes on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're fucking savants with that shit.

Oh, fuck, dude.

If you're just joining us, you can turn the podcast off.

Yeah.

You can go ahead and stop.

This is the we talk about China.

This is four white men remembering baseball, which is gay.

I hate baseball.

Let's remember something else.

Synchronized swimming.

That was big this year

at at the Tokyo Olympics.

It was huge this year.

It was Tokyo, right?

It was Tokyo.

You know what I always thought was weird about Japan?

They got Tokyo, and they got another place called Kyoto.

Yep.

Where they just rearranged the fucking thing.

That's true.

Yeah, it's like,

instead of Boston, you got, what, York New?

Stanab.

You got Stanab.

Stanab?

Yeah.

That'd be a place people could live.

We got Boston and Austin.

It's very similar in that regard.

City where they like hate straight people.

Yeah, Yeah, I guess you're not.

Anti-Boston.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guess you could say that

we're not that different.

Some kind of fucking quid.

What are you trying to fucking suck clits?

Yeah.

Yeah, Obstin.

Stan Ob, straight.

You walk by with him.

Bro, you're 14, you never licked a man's ass, bro.

You've never heard of a fucking rave.

You've never been to a fucking rave before.

Yo,

this fucking hattero's never heard of 100 gecks.

I thought this guy's never drank cum before.

By the time I was 12, I had seen mindless self-indulgence 15 times and blew eight guys.

Oh, fuck.

No more.

Bro, I'm not straight.

Let me suck your cock.

I'm not straight, bro.

I got hot opinions on Lana Del Rey.

Yeah.

I'm a Bob kid.

We cover her cock.

I'm a fucking Bob.

She's gotten fat.

Has she?

Yeah, this is a celebrity gossip.

Damn.

What a, just just a fucking, how dare she.

This podcast got real fat.

But I've gone on record and said I would still fuck her.

Yeah.

That very hot woman, you would have sex with me.

Yeah.

But she's got a dad body.

She put on like five pounds.

She's got a dad body.

She's part of the pussy posse.

Yeah.

Damn, you know what?

It's because there's 24-year-old women.

That would be sick.

The pussy posse should have a lesbian in the mix.

Ellen DeGeneres.

She dresses kind of like Toby McGuire.

Same build.

You think they fucked girls at the same time?

You think Toby and Leo were all fucking and David Blaine were all Eifer Towering?

They didn't have the balls to run a train.

I don't think they were that close.

Blaine was just appearing while they were fucking someone.

Oh, he would just fucking apparate.

I got real David Blaine videos like a month ago.

He's the best.

Yeah.

At Magic.

Oh, I said this on the show.

I think I can beat his breath-holding record.

What is it?

I think it's like eight minutes.

No, it's six.

He only did six.

Oh, I think it's more.

He was underwater, though.

Yeah.

Don't Navy SEALs do for a long time?

Three to four minutes.

I looked it up.

Interesting.

I could definitely compete to Navy.

I've done three minutes.

I think it's because if your brain doesn't need that much oxygen, you can just go, dude.

That's right.

You just shut your shit off.

That's true.

Some of his shit is a little bit more difficult.

I'm like a fly you put in the freezer.

That's right.

And you just reanimate later on, tie a string around.

Just in there thinking about shit, waiting until my blood freezes.

That's how you can do all that David Goggins stuff.

Like, he's in Navy, they just turn your brain off.

Yeah,

the fucking more of a retard you are, the easier it is to not to do shit like that.

That's the whole point of that training.

It's not to make you a better athlete or anything.

It's just to like break you down and do whatever we say and like kill whoever we want you to kill.

My favorite part of the Navy SEALs training is when they make them

sit on the beach during high tide with their legs up so that the water goes into their asshole.

Kid, I'm about to be the Navy SEALS kid.

Sounds fucking awesome.

Fill me up with saltwater, kid.

It's called Whole Survivor.

So the game they play.

It's a vital skill.

All right, private, now you're going to suck the water out of my ass.

I had a friend in college who, you know, that book, like Lone Survivor, or whatever.

The kid's like, oh, dude, this book is so sick.

You've got to read it.

It's really fucking funny.

It's a guy who got captured and didn't really do anything.

He's like,

Courtney Fearington was reading it at an open mic.

He's jacked.

He can do that.

Shout out to Court.

He served.

He's also a veteran.

This is true.

He's going to be a U.S.

Marshal or he works at the Marshall Service.

I thought he was a Marine.

No, I mean, now.

Oh, now?

His job in New York, you know, because we know him from D.C.

Yeah.

But I'm pretty sure his job here was he worked for the U.S.

Marshals.

Oh, interesting.

Maybe not as a Marshal, but with the Marshals Service.

Pretty sick, Jay job.

You and Tommy Lee Jones.

Tommy Lee Jones.

We're going to suck every asshole, every pussy.

His name is Courtney Farrington.

He does open mics, Washington, D.C., New York City, and find out everything you know about him.

But what was I saying?

Oh, the Navy SEAL thing.

It was like, my friend was like, oh, you got to read this book.

It's so sick.

It's like, he talks about how he got kidnapped and he was looking at stuff in the room that he could use to take out the other guys.

Did he do that?

No.

He just got killed.

Wait, he got captured and he didn't break out?

Yeah, correct.

So he just got

returned to that.

Where was he in Bosnia or something?

Afghanistan.

Afghanistan.

Oh, wow.

Damn.

He was a real tactical

guy.

Well, because fucking Mark Wahlberg had to make that movie, had to make veteran movies after he had that faux pas by saying he would have stopped 9-11.

Yeah,

and that's when he stopped making, you know,

he was right

movies.

He absolutely would have stopped.

I'm sure he would.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Was that boy?

The terrorists would have been taking pictures of Mark Wahlberg.

Yeah.

He would have forgotten to do 9-11.

If you have any doubt in your mind that in the fucking al-Qaeda training camp, they're not just like re-listening to the Mel Gibson voicemail

and fucking watching Mark Wahlberg movies.

They're having a blast.

Dude, the Taliban, those pictures of them having fun,

it's the happiest I've been in like the last six months.

Doing really bad.

Just seeing them, yeah, seeing them not know how to use the elliptical.

After the Afghanistan pull-out, people are like, oh, this is going to cost Biden the election.

It's like, now literally, no one gives a fuck.

No one cares at all anymore.

But one day.

There's still coverage.

It's like women in Afghanistan fighting for their rights.

It's like, yeah, good luck with that.

We'll see how that goes.

I wouldn't put my money on the women in that one.

Yeah, not listen, sister.

I'm going Taliban.

I'm taking the Taliban money line on that one.

You want to have your own 20-year war?

Mark Wahlberg should make a movie where he's a woman in Afghanistan.

And he's like, you're saying I got to cover my pussy up?

You're saying I'm not allowed to show my pussy at the fucking market anymore?

Darling.

Donnie, I'm trying to show my fucking pussy off at the market.

Bro, they're trying to say that we can't lean in?

Yeah.

We're going to fuck these queers up.

I used to be the CEO of Bumble.

I don't think you understand, bro.

I'm a fucking girl boss.

Now I'm married to a guy with Down syndrome that owns an AK-47.

We're going to run opium over the water until we got the funds to take on these guys.

That That would be fucking sick, dude.

He is a pretty guy.

Yeah, but he's too jacked.

He's like too jacked for the length of his arms.

Yeah.

He looks kind of inflated.

That's true.

You're saying his arms are too short?

Yeah.

I think he looks good.

I think he looks perfect.

I like his body, too.

Personally, I also like his body.

I think that's a good thing.

That's a perfect proportions that somebody could have.

The John Cena type.

The Taliban got to be way into Fast and Furious.

I could see them being super into that.

Because they're all about family, too.

Yeah.

I saw a guy driving down the street with a Charger the other day, and on the side, he had a decal that said Torino.

Hell yeah.

Or Toretto.

Toretto.

Toretto.

Sick.

Hell yeah.

Did you see Vin Diesel walked Paul Walker's

daughter down the aisle?

And he drove her down.

He drove her down there.

She drifted her down the aisle.

His hand coming out of a supra driving down the aisle ended in a fiery crash.

I don't want to get sued, but apparently, homosexual.

Finn Diesel?

Apparently, it's good.

Oh, there's Evaluation.

You mean that guy is gay?

When you say apparently, do you mean because he fucked your ass?

But he's like the straightest guy I've ever seen.

Oh, no.

I didn't know that gay guys could drive cars.

No, dude, he's just fancy.

Why would a gay guy be into that?

A bustly guy wearing a wife beater.

He's just oiled up.

Oiled up.

Pursing his lips with the hammer.

Yeah.

That video of him singing Rihanna is beautiful.

Have you seen the video that got him discovered by Spielberg?

No.

He drops a hard F in there.

He does this monologue.

With the geesler.

And he does this monologue from this thing that he wrote where he plays like an Italian stereotype.

Yo, so I get in this fight the other night.

Real quick, did he write Boiler Room?

No.

Din Diesel?

Yeah.

Was that it?

It was like a one-act thing that he wrote.

No, the movie Boiler Room.

I don't think so.

I mean, good for him if you did.

Maybe the guy who wrote Boiler Room.

Wait, so Spielberg discovered that?

Spielberg saw this video.

He's like, I've got to have this guy in Saving Private Ryan.

Really?

Really?

And I'll share the video somewhere, but it's like hilarious.

I started watching Van de Brothers again.

That was a good show.

Yeah.

I used to watch it like once a year, but

put the first episode on it.

My mom yelled at me because I was watching Van Der Brothers and a sex scene came on.

Oh, really?

Seminal moment.

Yeah.

Is that the one with Tom Hardy, where he's fucking the

some farm girl in the north of France or whatever?

Tom Hardy's in that show just getting pussy for a minute.

Nice.

That's all he is.

Really?

He's not that jacked either.

It's like

before he got young.

His first big role was

Nemesis.

Oh, he's the bad guy.

Yeah, he played like Praydor.

What's his name?

Rinzon.

I forget.

When he was young, he had just big lips.

He looked gay as hell.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

You ever see his MySpace?

His MySpace.

His MySpace pics are awesome, dude.

He straight up looks like

from above.

He's from above, and he's like ass cheeks are out.

He just looked like it looks like a gay thought.

Did he start popping off of MySpace?

Was he no?

I think people just found people just found his

Dane Cook.

Was he like X Raw, Tom Hardy, XX?

He also had like, he was wearing alternating uppercase, lowercase.

Yeah, well, he was, he had he had fucking Ed Hardy, an Ed Hardy, like hat, like one of those diamond-y fucking hats.

Whoa, are they family?

Yeah, I think so.

Oh, yeah, have you seen the thing that from 2010?

Uh, Tom Hardy, I'm an actor, of course.

I've had gay sex.

That rule is.

I'm gonna start saying that.

When asked if you ever had sex with men, of course, I'm an actor.

I've had gay sex.

When asked if you ever had sex with men, Tom replied, Of course I have.

I'm an actor, for fuck's sake.

I've played with everything and everyone.

I love the form and the physicality.

But now that I'm in my 30s, it doesn't do it for me.

I'm done experimenting, but there's plenty of stuff in a relationship with another man, especially gay men, that I need in my life.

A lot of gay men

get my thing for shoes.

I have definite feminine qualities, and a lot of gay men are incredibly masculine.

Respect.

A lot of people say...

Shit.

God fucking damn it.

Adam, you gotta talk about cushy dreams.

If you're the sponsor listening to check to see if we forgot to read,

we didn't.

Stop lying.

No, I'm not fucking.

I'm not doing it.

A lot of people say I seem masculine, but I don't feel it.

I feel intrinsically feminine.

I'd love to be one of the boys, but I always felt a bit on the outside.

Maybe my masculine qualities come from overcompensating because I'm not one of the boys.

He did this interview while trying to cycle off after making Bronson.

Yeah, he did.

Yeah, yeah.

So the estrogens are.

He was coming back.

His trend was wearing off.

That movie's badass.

He looked fucking hot.

That's the kind of body I want.

I want to look like Bronson, dude.

All right, we got to see

about 10-15 minutes.

Kushi Dreams offers a full lineup of premium smokable CBDs.

They specialize in extraordinary CBD rich hemp flour and pre-roll CBD joints.

Join the group of adults who are sick of vapes and gummies and want to smoke their CBD.

Yes.

Because they can.

Because they can.

Stop said I have to say it at the end.

Yeah.

You don't want to step on that line.

Yeah.

The slogan comes at the end.

It's all good.

We'll edit this out.

I'm gay.

That's true.

You're kind of like Tom Hardy.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm exactly like Tom Hardy.

When he was talking about Tom.

Well, no, you're not exactly Tom Hardy.

I'm exactly like Tom Hardy.

Only in the way that he's fucked men.

That he's, of course, fucked men.

And it's too late.

Other than that, you're not like him at all.

On the record, Stop Russia said you're not.

I said you're kind of like him.

You remind me of Tom Hardy.

That's what's on the record.

You said you remind me.

I've always admired you because you remind me of Tom Hardy.

I never said I admired either you or Tom Hardy.

I've I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do it.

I am jealous of how free you are with your sexuality.

You know, even though I'm straight, there's certain aspects of my straight sexuality I don't

know.

I'm not free with.

But you, gay,

are very free.

You, I'm a gay.

I'm a gay.

Go ahead, Adam.

It looks like high-quality marijuana, and it feels like high-quality marijuana, and it tastes like high-quality marijuana.

But the CBD content is up to 20%, which is the highest in the game.

Wow.

The attention to detail is noticeable.

Smoking CBD is the most efficient and quickest way to deliver CBD to your system.

But it doesn't get you high like THC.

Mm-mm.

No.

So it's independent, lab-tested.

There's compliance and purity shit.

Why don't you put a little joie de vivre?

Okay, kind of fun.

It's grown in California and Oregon.

Each plant is hand-selected by a team of experienced cannabis flower experts.

It's an alternative for people looking to cut back on smoking other things.

Not that you are, but imagine that you're getting paid to do this.

Yeah, yeah.

Imagine there's money on the line.

If you don't do a good job, you don't get just in your head.

Do it as Tom Hardy and Brotson.

Yeah.

In your head, imagine the cash register noises from the beginning of the Pink Floyd song.

Okay.

It mixes well with other things you can smoke.

Each batch is slow-curing.

It makes as well with other things you can smoke.

It makes as well with other things you can smoke.

Each batch is slow-cured for two to four.

You merely adopt a triple curve.

If you don't pitch your meat, you can't have any pussy.

That was it, right?

Yep.

How can you have your pussy if you don't pitch your meat?

Oh, that's the guard guy.

John Cleese.

Two to four weeks to guarantee maximum freshness and preserve flavor and cannabinoids.

They take an artisan approach.

I love it.

Small batch.

It's like

I love an artisan approach.

It's all organic.

They come, okay, so basically, guys, they come in three lines in order to come.

They're all in Adam's face.

No, that's not what they're saying.

That's why they got the sponsors.

They raped Adam.

They did rape Adam.

I'll do it.

I'm a team player.

I met the guys from Cushy Dreams in Phoenix, and they were very complimentary about your asshole, and they said it felt the most like a pussy that they had ever felt.

Yeah, well, it's because I do

a little makeup job.

Yeah, you do.

It's very lippy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Adam's asshole has pussy lips.

Big laby on that.

I got it, got a pussy installed.

No, it's so loose, the ring looks like lips.

No, it's actually an incredibly expensive procedure.

I went to Thailand with my mother.

On top of all the rejuvenations that you get, the Vadge rejuvenation.

Yeah, we got a pussy.

Did you take some bullskin and make pussy lips with it and glue it to to your ass?

It's incredible.

It's like Frankenstein's lab, just getting zapped back into shape.

Anyway, there are three lines: private reserve, ultra premium, and premium.

It's gay.

It's getting gayer.

It's gay.

Fug me in my ass.

Adam's pussy.

It's Halloween again.

Well, I guess when this comes out, it's not.

But fucking.

Yeah.

We We forgot about Monster Mash.

Oh, yeah.

The greatest.

The best one we've ever done.

That is true.

Let me finish real quick.

Yeah, that's what he said, too.

Yeah.

Let me finish real quick.

So

you can get in a can, which is nitrogen-sealed and 3.5 grams, and it's sealed for optimal freshness.

You can suck my dick.

Yeah, you can mix it with anything else you like to smoke.

You can do that.

And there are six different strain-specific full-flower cans.

You can get Relax, Peace, create, hustle, energy, and dream.

In addition to those, they have the one-grand pre-rolls that also come in those same exact strains.

So go to cushydreams.com, spelled K-U-S-H-Y dreams, at check out promo code Come Town for

20% off your first order.

Smoke your CBD because you can.

Wow.

That's cushydreams.com, promo code Come Town.

You nailed that last part.

Thanks, dude.

And that's the read.

And that's the read.

And if you're looking to have sex with Adam's ass,

you go to cushydreams.com slash Cometown.

Slash Adam's ass.

Slash Adam's ass.

And if you're looking to come see some live stand-up comedy, what you're going to want to do is come to fucking Detroit this week, or this Saturday, or Columbus this Sunday.

And then on the 10th, here in New York City, I will be doing a fucking beautiful

fuck

at my hour at the the New York Comedy Festival, and then New Orleans, then Tampa, and I think Los Angeles coming up.

Little tease for you guys.

Look out.

I can't confirm it yet as of this recording, but maybe by the time it comes out, we'll be in LA.

And then Boston.

And then there's also Patreon.com/slash come town.

Patreon.com slash come town.town for shirts, which is now gone.

Which does not exist.

The shit of the shop is gone until I can

figure out how to

fucking something.

So, you get to check that out also to Little Tease.

We have a guest coming up this Sunday that we think you're really going to like.

Little Tease is what they call me because my little testicles are.

That's what they call you,

Little Tease.

You're so playful.

Because you have that big, JP.

You probably have, we talked about this little off-mic, probably a skinny long penis.

Incredibly long, incredibly skinny.

It's too little to be like useless.

It's like a Capri cigarette.

They call it the Corella de Ville.

I'll hit the back walls, but not either side.

Yeah, yeah.

You'll hit one small point of the back walls.

It's like a laser.

You having sex is like a Capri sun straw going into a fucking Capri son.

It's like a procedure.

It's like a laparoscopic type of thing.

Go in with a camera.

Yeah, if a bitch has

a cyst at the back of her pussy,

JP's the guy you like.

It's like watching a tapir get in.

She doesn't know what's in until it hits her stomach.

That's awesome.

It's just coming out of her nose.

Like, boop, boop,

woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.

It never hits any of the middle sides.

That's awesome, man.

That's good.

Good for you.

That's cool.

So, yeah, I beat it up.

That's cool.

Yeah, yeah.

David Blinn.

David Blaine, fan of mine.

He came to my first

TV thing.

I did.

Really?

The famous Comedy Central Roast Battle, and he was at the tape.

Was he like, hey, really good job?

He did.

He tapped me on the arm and I went by.

I didn't know he was there.

He's very incompetent.

It was a really good joke.

Did he do a trick?

He didn't do a trick, but then it was like, oh,

I'll look the other way on your sexual assault stuff.

Oh, yeah.

I can't compliment.

I can't lose that name drop.

You lose a compliment?

He's like, hey, good set.

And then he walks outside directly into traffic and gets creamed by a bus.

Yeah.

life.

I don't see that again.

He comes out.

Eyeballs hanging out of his head.

I'm surprised, bitch.

This is my new trick.

Yeah.

Being killed.

It seems like he's near suicide at all.

Just him on Fifth Avenue.

That doesn't seem happy.

James of Vaseline in his ass sitting down on a fire hydrant.

And then just black people being like, oh my God, James.

He's like, damn.

He's like three quarters of the way down.

And he's like, Mirror, push my head.

Push my head down.

Push the fire hydrant all the way up my ass.

Like, yo, shit, yo, look, he got the whole thing up his motherfucking ass, y'all.

He got his cheeks on the sidewalk.

Shit.

He said, put the motherfucking fire hydro my ass.

That would be awesome.

I really do envy his universal acceptance by black people.

Of course, you envy that.

That's all you see when you watch that play.

I respect magic so much.

Adam's on Amazon looking at magic kits.

Yeah.

Looking at fitted hats and magic kits.

That's act two.

After this podcast is over, yeah.

I'm getting a TikTok.

I'm going to start like

a lot of this stuff, David Blaine.

The card tricks, I'll never know how I can't even shuffle cards.

But jamming a knife through my own hand,

yeah, that's just endurance.

I could get there.

You definitely could, actually.

I believe that.

You should just start doing shit like that.

I should, dude.

Just stabbing myself in front of Ricky Gervais.

I'm like, check this out.

Oh,

no.

Liar.

Looks like His recovery in your body, is it?

Oh, it's making me more of an atheist

Do you didn't you have a video where he's like let me ask you Ricky do they have fire hydrants in Britain

We call them wet willies

Check this out

What's that you doing?

Oh shit.

Oh, he's put the wet willie in his bunk.

Yeah, he's been sitting down Indian style the whole time and then he just shits the fire hydrant He like slides up it.

He just puts his slaves off

and there's nothing to end like at the end like you know

it's just like Kanye just, like, shaking his head when he's, like, all the way down on the sidewalk.

And David Blaine's like, you must give me a hand?

And then he goes, like, Kanye takes his hand and he gets up, and the fire hydrant's gone.

And I'm like, it's gone.

Where did it go?

And it's like, this sidewalk's perfectly paved.

And there's just a little bit of wet cement on the back of David Blaine's pants.

He gets rid of the fire hydrant and paves over the sidewalk.

And he writes Kanye and Kim, 2005, with a heart over it.

But it's been there for 20 years.

Wow.

Somehow.

That's awesome.

See, I did that for you.

Kiss it.

Kiss rubber.

Didn't he like throw up a picture of his dead mom after he kisses it?

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

R.I.P.

Donda.

Trying to get...

She was trying to get her titties done in Mexico or something.

She was getting light.

That's what happened.

Yeah, it was bad plastic surface.

Donda Kong, R.I.P.

No, no.

It sounds like Donkey Kong.

Her name is Donda West.

It sounds like Donkey Kong.

I'm not saying anything.

It just sounds like it.

Well, that's not.

Isn't that what happened to Joan Rivers, too?

Like, she was getting new eyelids put on or something, and she died.

Oh, really?

Yeah, probably.

Anesthesiologist fucked up or something like that.

Allegedly.

Allegedly.

Dude, you don't get sued.

Don't get us sued here by the anesthesiologist that killed Joan Rivers.

You fucking piece of money.

Dude,

him and Vin Diesel are going to be pissed after this episode.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm an anesthesiologist.

I put that asshole to sleep.

I usually work with gay guys.

I'm appreciating pain because my job is to put things in my ass.

Oh, wait, that's his job?

Yeah.

Okay, nice.

His ass is so numb.

That's awesome.

It's the type of dog.

Adam, would you consider becoming an anesthesiologist?

Oh, I mean, I would love to get my MD after the show is over.

I'm trying to work for the Long Island Railroad.

That'd be awesome.

I talked to my dad's friend.

We took a car ride 12 hours each way.

We didn't listen to the radio the whole time.

We just talked.

It was great.

And we talked mostly about the railroad.

It sounds like that's an awesome place to work.

I was like, I'm going to set you straight, JP.

I'm putting you on a railroad trip.

Funniest guy I've ever, I've maybe ever known, including.

Yeah, that's who the funniest people in the world are: is like union rail workers.

Yeah, yeah.

True.

I was on the fucking Amtrak, and there was a guy who worked for the Amtrak who was going home to fucking like Trenton or Newark or some just, you know, one of those awful Jersey towns.

And he looked like, imagine if like Artie didn't take care of himself.

Artie without all the skins.

And this fucking guy's sitting there on the fucking sway.

And he's just all fat and disgusting.

And he's wearing his work shirt that had a hole like ripped.

Like, just ripped his armpit.

Ripped completely out.

And he's sitting there reading the New York Post, yelling at like this other guy works.

I fucking told him I'm not fucking doing that shit.

They're trying to get tell me I got another shirt.

I'm not fucking up.

Yeah,

exactly.

And then he gets up and his fucking ass ripped the cushion off the seat.

I watched his ass just like pull the.

It was in the cafe car, too.

This guy,

this guy, Rick, who worked for the railroad, I might have told you this already.

Real quick, too, before I forget, Adam has something else he wants to tell us about.

What do you mean, what?

About what?

About super organics.

Oh, super organics.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I think.

I've completely fucked this up.

I think last week.

Because that was last week.

So what we need to do now is talk about Blue Chew, and And then again, we're going to have to talk about Ridge Wallet later.

Oh, so we're going to...

So Cushy Dreams then.

I forgot we're doing a week.

That's okay, man.

Hey, listen, Cushy Dreams, that one's on the house.

Yeah.

Cushy Dreams gets a free one.

Blue Chew.

Blue Chew.

This episode of Come Town is sponsored by Blue Chew.

Say it with us.

Blue Chew.

Blue Chew is making waves and bringing more confidence to the bedroom by offering chewable tablets that can help men get stronger, longer-lasting erections.

It's a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as what, Stav?

Siais and Viagra.

That's right, but in chewable form.

Which

is a fraction of the cost.

One of my biggest problems with Viagra and Sialison backing me up here, Jason.

It's not a food.

Is that it's not a food.

Yeah.

It's not chewable, and the cost is

too much.

It just takes so little blood to get my incredibly skinny penis erect that

I'm not even familiar with these drugs.

A mosquito.

Yeah, yeah.

A mosquito would would not even feel anything.

If they don't hear dick, you would miss.

You gotta start juicing, dude.

Yeah, we gotta see that skinny little prick hard as fuck.

I'm getting a widening.

Like a pencil.

Yeah, that'd be good.

Maybe if I took a Blue Chew chewable.

Yeah, if you did,

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Wow.

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Don't like swallowing pills, no problems here.

So, basically, they have

sildenophil and

tadalophil, right?

And the tablets are chewable.

That's right.

They're made in the U.S.

and they prepare to ship directly to you, and it's so it's cheaper than going to the pharmacy.

Right.

So here's the deal, guys.

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It's just $5 shipping.

That's Blue Chew.com promo code Come Town.

You receive your first month free.

And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring

the podcast.

We thank you, Blue Chew.

Thank you so much.

I think it's a great product that can give you a little bit of extra confidence.

I thank Blue Chew not only for sponsoring us, but for existing and making my dick.

Because, look,

I was being pretty healthy during the pandemic, JP.

I lost some weight.

Yeah, great calves.

I'm back.

Thank you.

I'm back on the road.

I have been eating like shit.

My dick is not working like it used to, Chief.

Now that I got these fucking pills, I swallow them up.

My dick is buried in Arlington somewhere.

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

Yeah, the grave of the Confederate soldier.

The tomb of the

unmeasurable because it's too small, soldier.

No.

Yes.

You said, hmm.

You said, hmm.

Everyone heard him say, hmm, he agreed.

No, that was great.

That was a grandma by that.

That was a M of agreement.

That was an M of agreement.

I will see if I will.

That was a M of agreement.

They call the song Dixie because it's about Nick's penis.

That's right.

Too small.

Little Dixie.

The tomb of the unmeasurable soldier.

First of all, bitch, my dick ain't smile.

This child.

My dick whimsical.

My dick's got a playful mentality.

My dick got a wild imagination.

This show used to be funny years ago.

I know.

Years and years and years ago.

I know.

Now it's all like, Harvey Keitel, what's that guy up to?

I don't fucking know.

I saw his cock one time.

It was pretty big.

Oh, wait.

What are we talking about?

Fucking Super Organics.

Ridgewallet.

Did you say that?

Did you already do the read?

Luckily, the Ridgewallet guys are cool.

Otherwise, I'd feel bad about trying to jam this.

They're cool guys.

But Sean and Ridgewallet, shout out to them.

They're also, they had fucking

advertisements on during the playoffs and stuff.

Oh, that's huge.

Because that's a relatively new company.

I think they've been around as long as the podcast.

That's a real baseball guy product, for sure.

True.

That'll mix it up.

Dude, it's a great wallet.

Instantly.

That's a no-bat flip.

The worst thing Ridgewallet ever did was advertise with Gas Digital because I saw Lewis had one and I said, I will never own one of those wallets.

But then you see guys walking around with Under Armor golf shirts with Ridge Wallets, and you're like, damn, I respect them now.

Well,

they sent it to us because, you know, we do the reads or whatever.

And I was in between wallets.

And I used it, and I'll never use another wallet again.

Should we talk about Ridge Wallet a little bit?

Let's let it breathe for a second.

While we're at it?

No, we should talk about Ridge Wallet.

Let's talk about Ridge Wallet.

So it's a father and son team, Daniel and Paul Kane, that launched the Ridge Wallet on Kickstarter in 2013.

And now sits in the front of, and it now sits in the front of pockets of over a million men and women.

With your dad, with your gay ass father.

Yeah,

we're going into business together.

God, imagine, yeah.

We're making wallets for Louis J.

Gomez.

Mason golf guys to wear under armor.

The two of us

included the gay sex father and son wallet.

JP, I got a fucking idea for you.

What if we got wallets that weren't gay?

These are tactics.

I was like, Dad, why don't we call it Ridge Wallet instead of the gay sex father and son wallet?

He's like, that's why I brought you on board, Addie.

That's genius.

Well, imagine that.

I have it in mind for marketing.

Wouldn't that be awesome if you and your dad owned Ridge Wallet?

You wouldn't have to do the podcast.

You'd be a ridge off wallet.

You're a big fan together

all day.

That'd be awesome.

We have to see if the new wallets fit inside your ass.

No, it's for the front pocket, not the ass.

For too long, men have had their wallets in their asses.

And now with Ridge wallet, you can have it in your front pocket.

Yep.

At Ridge, they prefer to do more with less.

And it's not just a remark on resourcefulness.

I prefer to do less with less.

That's true.

That's true.

I mean, you go, dick don't work.

Also, you bust immediately.

Which is hard to do.

Perfectly flat.

Just

bludgeoning it.

You know what I'm really into?

Even more so than busting immediately?

What's that, brother?

Is deciding that you're never going to bust immediately and then telling someone to leave.

That is a powerful thing.

Play it off like something.

No, it's not right.

Yeah, I'm not going to.

It's not right that we're doing it.

This isn't going to work.

Bye.

I see ya.

Yeah.

Because at that point, I forgot I rented Master and Commander, and I got to watch it before it expires.

I got 48.

I really respect that because at that point, it's literally easier just to fuck poorly than it is to be like, yeah, yeah.

To have a conversation.

Anyway, so basically, they're streamlining daily life through quality products, redefining everyday essentials, like wallets, backpacks, and chargers.

With minimalist designs,

don't sacrifice

by eliminating excess.

Like one of those foxes that

they turn to

Adam!

What?

We're saying you're gay.

You gave me a fright.

We're saying that you piss yourself out of delight.

Let me just finish.

They also they made it special for Adam the Rich diaper.

That's true.

That's available to have it, but it's a streamlined diaper.

It's a golden diaper.

It's just over your dick hole and asshole.

It's a diaper with like a dick.

So you're minimalistic.

That's a nelly band-aid that goes over your dickhole.

They're disrupting.

They're disrupting.

There's so much unused fabric in most diapers.

And in this day and age, you know, landfills are filling up with these things.

Jewish men's diapers.

34-year-old Jewish men's diapers.

Yeah.

And the Nazis took these when we arrived

at the camps.

Just a pile of diapers.

We were forced to go.

There's a pile of twist on it, though.

These were the Nazis' diapers.

Because they would pull long shifts and we wouldn't want to go to the bathroom.

By eliminating excess and building to performance grade, we turn the items you carry every day into tools for better living.

Carry less, live more.

That's the Ridgewall Guarantee.

They got a lot of great products.

We use them.

Ridgewall is

aluminum, titanium, carbon fiber.

They got bags, card cases, gear, knives, power strips, and etc.

Wow, I didn't even know about the power strips.

Devon, et cetera.

I'm looking forward to checking those out because I'm a fan of everything Ridgewall is.

So go to Ridgewall.

Power strips for guys.

Go to Ridgewall.

Is there a promo code or we just want to talk about it?

Come town, Come Town 20.

We did this before.

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So fucking true.

Which is a great deal.

Great products.

I said the fridge wallet for Stav, the Midge wallet for girls.

Yeah.

The Smidge wallet for your dick because it's just a smidge of a penis.

Yeah.

Damn.

I could have had that one.

I could have fucking done that.

The Midge wallet for me, because I enjoy the marvelous Mrs.

Maisel.

That's true.

I've never watched that show.

What's it about?

Fucking...

Some bitch.

Some Jews going to the fucking bank or something.

Yeah.

Is that what bad?

Some bitch who goes to the fucking bank every day.

It sounds like she should have magical powers, but I think she just does stand-up comedy.

Yeah, it's a bullshit name.

Fuck more.

She's not.

Yeah, it makes it sound like a lot of money.

It sounds like Jewish Mary Poppins or something.

Exactly.

She should be Jewish.

She shows up and she's like a spoonful of sugar.

Well, let's do a half spoon of sugar.

Well, sugar's coming out of my page.

It's a quarter spoonful of sugar.

She floats in on an umbrella to be the family's lawyer.

Well, a spoonful of sugar dilutes the expensive medication.

You know they're adding her to the next Avengers.

Very popular.

No, I thought it was Marvelous Masters Mazel.

Amazil?

Yeah, Mazel's.

She's not in the comic book.

She's in there.

She's cannon.

She's MCU.

Yeah, hell yeah.

I heard they were going to make a fucking fighting game with

Scooby-Doo it.

Just a real thing I heard.

Yeah.

I thought that was like a setup to a punchline.

Nope.

Dude, I'm going to.

I'm not JP.

You haven't been paying attention the last hour.

I'm going to fight Velma every round.

Sure, who's boss?

I was thinking about getting a dog and then, because you know, people get mad if you leave dog shit on the street.

If I go, if I walk my dog, but then I use tongs to pick up the dog shit and then put it in the trash can.

That's awesome.

See how long before people are like, just leave the shit on the street.

I'm just carefully picking up dogs.

They see you barbecuing in front of your house flipping a stick.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

You should do that, man.

There are too many dogs in the city.

I'll say it.

Yeah.

Need more cats.

More cats, less dogs.

What we need is wild macaws all over the city that die in the winter and then we repopulate them.

Are they predatory or do they eat like grubs?

I think they eat coom quats and fucking

dogs.

They're loud as shit.

They're loud as shit and they're beautiful.

They're like me.

They talk a lot.

Just you go outside and there's a black lady arguing with the Macaw.

Oh, that's all we need.

Macaw's on the phone, like, oh, she don't want to be patient.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

So you ain't in line, bitch.

So you saying you were in line then.

So you saying you were in line then.

So you saying you were in line then.

She's saying you're in line then.

She's saying you're in line then.

You're in line then.

She's saying you're in line then.

What are my fries?

What are my fries?

God damn, dude.

Should I get Popeyes?

Went to Mickey D's yesterday.

Pure chaos.

I love it, dude.

What's your order?

A couple of double cheeseburgers and some fries.

You know, I used to love dinner.

Wow.

10 bucks, 10 Mick chicken sandwiches off the dollar menu.

That's fucking insane.

Honey, get a bunch of the sweet and sour sauce.

Not a fry in sight?

No, just 10 of the chicken sandwiches and then 40 of St.

Ides.

Nice, yeah.

10 chicken sandwiches and drink a 40.

Jesus, what did your shit look like after that, dude?

I don't know.

My favorite combination was like a Bud Light 40 and Double Suffe Oreos.

Wow.

Okay.

Oreos kind of had to go with me.

I don't think I ever mixed drinking in Oreos.

Beer, it mixes great with beer.

It's like even better than milk.

Really?

Is that?

Really?

But I haven't drank it like seven years.

Beer's favorite.

Oh, you don't kill me.

Give it a little dip.

Damn, JP.

I didn't know you were that much of a drunk at some point.

He's Irish, dude.

I know.

that was a little nightcap

blood light and oreos do you ever do anything do you ever drunk it'd be a fun a fun like a fun oh i drove drunk a few times yeah it was probably not great a fun superhero but like one like ant-man or low tier ones his name's nightcap

he gets drunk and crashes into the criminals

just runs him all over by accident

thanks nightcap he's like hey we have who the fuck are you as long as we're on the same page areno he's got that He's got diabetes.

He just like launches his Lancets at the criminals and takes them down.

I was at traffic court one time, and a guy.

I got that coming up.

I caught a case.

Yeah,

a guy was like on the docket before me, and

he had gone on

a high-speed chase.

Nice.

And there was like fucking 15 cruisers behind him, and he eventually crashed into a jersey wall.

He just got traffic court for that?

Well, because he had already, like, I guess he had already proven that he was diabetic and like had a medical emergency but then they still cited him and he was like yeah they already let me off with everything else like it's of this ticket and the judge is like you know they just threw it out immediately but it was very funny to see did he get his insulin well he was in court so that's fun yeah i bet there are lawyers who specialize in like high-speed chases specifically and they're like okay we're gonna Force speed you sugar until you get diabetes and then we're gonna use that as your defense.

Yeah, if they see a fat guy, their eyes light up.

They're like, yeah, you got diabetes.

Oh, that's D-Money right there.

Do they still have

television shows like The Wildest Police Chases?

With Sheriff John Bonnell.

Those were great.

I'm Sheriff John Bonnell, and I'm gay.

I'm Sheriff John Bonnell Ramsey.

Yeah.

And I like

makeup.

Officers all across the country kiss and hug each other every night, nutting inside of each other's asses.

It's one of the most dangerous jobs in the world.

And I'm proud to have done it for 25 years.

Oh, fuck.

Goodbye, Adam.

You got a pee.

Why do you piss on my nuts, brother?

No, all that stuff's on, it's on YouTube.

And

you fold it in with, like, shootout videos.

It's way more intense than they could ever show.

Well, the Russian dash cams kind of like destroyed the need for World's Wildest Police Station.

That's true.

That's a guy just hitting a bear full speed.

Yeah, it's like, you know, they're driving like 80 miles an hour and it's listening to like the worst music ever made.

And some of them got like, what is it called?

Foodie Loops or whatever that.

It's blind drunk.

Yeah, j listening to to like the default, like the project starter template.

You know, like,

yeah.

And then I remember there was one video I saw.

There were two guys like racing, they're having a good time.

Then the video just cuts, and one of the cars is on fire, and someone's like climbing out of the window, their skin's melting off, and they're fucking, they're dying.

I mean, they're just burning the death of the car.

And then it's like surrounded by Russian people being like,

it's like telling him, like, get out of the car.

Jesus fucking.

I saw a fucking Greek dash cam thing where it was just like a fuck some dumb bitch driving and she hit a guy on a moped.

This fucking guy did like a full 360 spin, landed on her car, got up.

I was like, you got a fucking stop sign, you dumb bitch.

He's just like,

I would love that so much.

I saw a rushing by a vehicle like that and just getting to be indignant.

A Russian dash cam video where like a guy in like a Yugo or something, he like fucking loses control, flips the car.

His baby comes out of the car,

and he just gets up and picks the baby up and leaves.

Oh, man, that kid is fucked.

They are soft for this.

They are built to fall down.

Have you ever seen that video of like the drunk Russian guy making his two sons fight?

And one son is like, you know, a wimp and the other one's like...

one hit puberty, and the other didn't.

Yeah, one of them's like this lean, like, MMA kid, or whatever, this like hardened Russian kid, and he's beating the fuck out of his, like, wimp brother or something.

Probably because the kid's gay, right?

But the one doing all like the macho fighting is wearing a speedo because they're Russian.

Yeah, yeah, and the other kid,

the other kid, like, you know, eventually he to defend himself, just grabs the kids' nuts

and is just like holding on to them for dear life.

He's best I could.

Yeah, and then the kid's like, oh, just screaming in pain, and the dad's just yelling at them in Russian.

And he's like, you know, he's like, you can't do that.

Do not show weakness when you're doing it.

That used to be one of my favorite videos.

It's fucking unbelievable.

This kid doing kickboxing, beating the fuck out of the other one.

The other one just like, just gets him.

And he's like stretching them all the way out to heat.

That's fucking genius, dude.

I've been rocking with this video of the, like, there's some rodeo thing where a bunch of dudes just get in the ring and like run around with an agitated bull.

Oh, and one guy's running away from the bull.

You never turn your back on it and he just gets launched at least 50 feet.

He does a triple backflip in the air.

Damn.

He just hops right up.

It's like it's great because you get to fully root for the bull.

Yeah, for sure.

You hope they kill somebody.

The bull, the rodeo clowns.

Bullfighters are bitch ass.

Yeah, I don't fuck with bullfighters, but rodeo clowns are responsible.

I didn't realize that they murder the bull.

They eat that motherfucker.

They kill fucking burgers off that.

Yeah, they have steaks.

Yeah.

They have paella for a long time off that bull.

I was, when I was in France, they were.

The drip is cool.

I'll give them that.

We were like outside of a stadium where they were having a bullfight, and we were like, me and my girlfriend were having a sandwich, and we were just listening to an animal suffering in public.

It was really sad.

It's pretty whack.

Yeah.

Hemingway sucked.

Yeah.

He's all into bullfighting.

Yeah, what a loser, dude.

He's a bitch ass.

Now, Hemingway, he was, did he get pussy?

Well, Well, I read some literary criticism that says, yes, he did.

All right.

Okay, respect.

That's how we evaluate authors.

Absolutely.

I think he might have been a closeted guy.

He seemed to be way into that stuff.

He's really into masculinity.

Everyone who's talking about masculinity is gay.

That's true.

Yeah, it's the gayest thing to be into.

100%.

To be into being a guy.

Hunting and bullfighting and all that shit.

Yeah.

Not me.

I'm over here trying to suck on a titty.

The son also rides with a guy who just gets cucked and then gets the shit beat out of him by a bullfighter.

Oh yeah, didn't he have that other that he had that other cuck story about the guy of the lion or whatever?

He loves it.

Yeah, yeah, that was a short story.

Loves getting cucked.

All penis on the western penis.

All penis on the western ass.

Nick is like Hemingway vibes.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, you are.

No, I'm not.

You're trying to...

Shut up.

I agree with you.

You live in Key West.

You got a bunch of cats.

No, you're trying to,

you're trying to get in the last.

This is what he does.

Adam will stay silent until the last minute of the show.

I haven't been silent.

I did some great reads.

Actually, you're gay.

But try and throw salt at the end.

Knowing that it's just not worth it.

Points on the board.

I just steal the round.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah, I'm just like pushing my

teammate away for a remote.

Show no, out of nowhere,

Nick's like Hemingway.

You worm.

You fucking right.

I didn't know that one was sting soap.

It didn't stink.

I guess I really teach.

Titched the intention.

I guess I really, really just pressed a button.

I didn't know I was there.

This son of a bitch.

Nick has a big blunder bus that he puts in his ass, but facing out, and then he fires it so the recoil forces it deeper in you.

Yeah,

Hemingway shot himself in the face.

Well, that's where that's more of a Gaston move, which we'll end the episode there.

Yes, I am Gaston.

Adam is Belle.

No, Adam's the gay guy.

Shot him as the clock.

Shadow's the clock.

Shout out to the gay clock.

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Sucks.

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.