Ep. 280 – bathroom blues

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Let me tell you something.

You think uh

you think you think

what I got oh fuck there's a lot of the

I hate to want to do this.

Do what?

I forgot to hit record on the um

the phone input.

So

restore that.

No, I'm too tired.

But there's not gonna be we're not gonna be able to go to this the phone today.

That's okay man.

I love first-time callers.

I love all hang up and listen, guys.

We got that, though.

And we got that, folks.

Folks, it's motherfucking come town.

It's come town going on six years now.

Really?

Yeah, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed young men get together.

They start what some folks refer to as the fucking Rolling Stones of podcasts.

Yeah.

And now, like the Rolling Stones themselves.

They're gay.

They're gay.

Yeah.

They've become gay.

There's Charlie.

Charlie.

Chocolate factory.

Yep.

Charlie Ebdo.

Charlie Ebdo.

Of course.

You say, why don't you pronounce the H?

And that's because H stands for here comes a couple of Muslim guys

into the building.

Is that what it stands for?

It stands for here comes a couple of

Hajibs.

Really?

Hajibs looking to

put some holes in your head with heavy machine gun fire.

I have no idea.

That's what the ancient Charlie Hebdo stands for.

Wow.

That really was kind of the...

That was like the death of comedy, I think.

When those Muslims couldn't take a joke?

Well,

the world saw what happened at Charlie Hebdo, and they said, you know what?

These guys are right.

Now we're going to comedy that's fully respectful of all people just to avert a crisis like this.

Just so we don't get God.

Just so we don't get God.

The Ted Lasso effect.

Well, because you imagine if Charlie Hebdo didn't have happened, here's what would have happened two years ago.

Shane Gillis gets SNL'd.

Two weeks later, Boen Yang cuts his head off with a samurai.

I don't think that's what would have happened, personally.

I'm telling you, because

we learned learned our lesson each other.

I really don't see that happening.

Him being like, hi-ya!

Fucking Shane's head, like, hey, you cut my head off?

Just rolling down there.

Yeah.

Rolling down the stairs.

Yeah.

All the way back to the cheese factory that fucking retard crawled out of.

Yeah, I think probably he wouldn't have been killed, but I don't know.

Shane?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But he would have been martyred, and we would have all remembered it.

Shane doesn't seem like a murderer to me.

Shane, we would have all learned an important lesson.

That's true.

Yeah, Shane would have been killed.

If he would have been killed, we would have learned an important lesson.

I think that's true.

How about Martyr Lawrence?

And fucking Charlie Hebda does the cartoon, and he's like, oh, hell nah.

And then he blows himself up.

Yeah, then he does the suicide pump and puts in the, I'm going to get my vest, and I'm going to blow myself up.

How many of those French motherfuckers did they get?

I don't know who gives a they did a shooting

yeah

that seems like it was 40 years ago and they they made they drew they basically drew muhammad when he had a big dick nose those guys everything they did had a big dick nose yeah well that's just how french cartoons look i love the way they draw women too because the french women are disgusting so they have those like their bodies are they have horrible posture and like they're mostly fupa

and then like mixed like big miss chokes on dick tits

and then that kind of like frog head you know what I'm talking about like yeah French style of bitch yeah where they kind of and then they walk and they're like they just sort of flop

you know what I mean

like Corella except with a Fupa Corella but with big fat fucking Corella Fupa ville

oh that sounds horrible

That's not the type of lady I'd want to have sex with.

Yeah, I saw a lot of ugly ladies this weekend in Nashville, Tennessee.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Gasheville, nasty Gasheville.

That's what I'm saying.

It is quite possibly the fat girl destination of America.

Did you go to Dollywood?

No,

that's apparently very

far away.

Me and Adam are on the phone doing a little bit about Dollywood.

Oh, yeah, that was pretty good.

And it's an Italian guy trying to remember the name of Bollywood.

Yeah.

Really?

And he's like, what are they?

The Dotheads, they got their own Hollywood.

What are they called?

What is it called?

It's called Dollywood.

Dollywood.

Dollywood.

Yeah, Dothead Hollywood.

I think it's Bollywood.

And he's like, nah, that doesn't make any sense.

Nah, why would it be called that?

It's Doddhead Hollywood.

It's Dollywood, isn't it?

Dollywood.

Look, I'll Google it right now.

You pull it up.

Dollywood, right there.

The first thing, first result, it's called Dollywood.

Yeah, but there's no Indian people.

Yeah, come on.

What are you doing?

Clicking on stuff.

It's fucking Dothead Hollywood.

They got this, in Nashville, they have these tractors that pull fat women around.

And they get drunk in the wagon and listen to Lil John Ketlo.

Imagine that they dance disgustingly people say the south is backwards yeah imagine that's what you have is women is a hog being drug dragged through mud by a truck blasting little john and then people are like well these these we just need to have respect for these women yeah that's true and you'd be like well what in a darn what in darnation what in what in sam what in

good fuck ass

shit is this

and you would say no you would say no yeah you'd would say, no.

Those are the fuck hogs that we pull around on a wagon working on top of that.

To test how mighty the

tractor can be.

My family didn't even own slaves.

You know, we moved here from New Jersey when I was in fifth grade.

Right.

So.

Not my problem.

Not my damn problem.

I was telling Mike I wanted to rent one of those tractors and just have the two of us silently looking at our phones while we have them play Patrice O'Neill Destroys Feminism.

Yeah, hell yeah.

Yeah, and teach us.

That's what you should do for your bachelor party.

That's what I should do.

Just me and Mike Renzine on a wagon.

On a wagon in Nashville.

People love, people, yeah, it's honestly, I didn't realize it, but it is, it's like if you want to go to New Orleans, but you don't want as many jazz-style people around.

Look at this.

This is funny.

It's like a no black people New Orleans.

I'm looking at my calendar to see what the reads are.

And

October 11th is listed as Columbus Day and Indigenous Peoples Day.

Google Calendar

wants it both ways.

Yeah, it's like pick a side, Chief.

Yeah, pick a side.

You're either with us or you're a gangstas.

I'm trying to play it, trying to play it, you know, whatever the word is.

What?

I don't know.

So you had a nice time in Nashville, Adam?

Yeah, it's nice.

Show me show me hole, just a game we play.

What I want to say

is let me blow you.

What else?

Stop, have you watched Many Saints of Newark?

Oh, yes, I did, but I seem to recall in the last premium episode, you had some revelations while you were in Asheville.

What was that?

Oh, I don't want to re-litigate that.

Oh,

my God.

Is this classic, Adam, or what?

You know what?

It's spastic.

He says some bullshit.

Adam classic.

He says some bullshit.

I'm just ending with a fucking premium episode.

I'm just going to say it.

And we promise everyone we're gonna litigate it in kind.

Okay, let's litigate it.

And listen, I know that my opinions are fully formed by

popular opinion.

I always fully formed faggots.

The fully formed

faggots.

I might start a music project called They Might Be Faggots.

I never had to suck on wood.

That is a good name, honestly.

They might be faggots.

No, no, that's a mighty, mighty boss.

You're thinking of mighty mighty faggots.

Yeah, the mighty, mighty faggots.

Those are both good names.

Yeah, I'm just going to say, a couple people walked up to me.

Imagine faggots.

Yeah.

That's another really good one.

Well, my brain doesn't even go there.

The faggots of Leon.

Yeah.

Are we going to.

That's cool because it sounds like a guy named Leon and has a lot of twinks around there.

What the fuck?

The harem of

the street faggots.

Yeah, that works well.

That was basically.

what was the guy's name?

The big fat guy?

Lou Pearlman.

In sync, but it's

they tell you what the end stands for.

Okay, okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, that'd be like an in-sync album, the first in sync album.

Yeah.

And

then the cover is like a black guy, right?

And he's standing there, kind of like, you know, like arms akimbo with his legs out.

And there's like a lightning cable going into his like groin area and then that one's hooked up to a like a pc and then on the screen of the pc it says sinking

and they're like what is the album art and they're like we gave it to this guy with a podcast and said

you know just do just letter rip whatever you come up with yeah and that's what he came that's what he went with i would love to charge my balls yeah

that would be cool but what is sinking what is the

oh I see.

I see what you're doing.

See,

I try and block out the racism and just think about how cool it would be to charge your cock.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Think about that.

You couldn't even have to hump.

Your dick would go back and forth on its own.

You'd finally have an excuse.

Like a little piston.

When a bitch too horny, you could be like, listen, I'm on 1% right now.

1%, horse.

That's a headline a couple of weeks ago.

Listen, bitch.

The Kings of Leon's mom died.

Which I didn't realize.

Well, they were all brothers?

I guess.

They all had one mom.

Wow.

They shared a mom.

It was a funny way to word that, Heather.

Mumford

of the Kings of Leon.

The Kingdom of Leon weeps as its queen mother fucking died.

The Mumford and sons were the guy, the Mumford guy

was their father.

Is that true?

Yeah.

He's the older dad.

And they all have to call him dad.

Daddy.

Daddy.

What's the next song?

Dude, that bass.

I look sucking dick.

One of the worst things.

You like fucking ass, my sweet.

Come on.

It's crazy how popular that shit was.

That was a real genre for a while.

Yeah, a lot of it was.

Civil War music.

Screaming.

Stomping on shit.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, fucking.

Yeah.

People that made all those breweries with Edison bulbs everywhere, they needed something.

Well, American folk music is fake.

It doesn't exist.

Really?

Yeah, it was a thing that they just created in the 60s.

Yeah.

Jews started pretending somebody you might know

about.

Started pretending.

Well, they just stole it.

They didn't come up with it.

They created it.

It's like they faked it.

It's like

I belong to all the Disney movies, you know, like the 101 Dalmatians and

Beauty and the Beast and stuff.

That's all just fucking made up.

Yeah.

I don't.

Half that shit's just fucking drawings.

They're not even real people.

That is so true.

The jungle book is real, though.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

I wish, man,

the biggest regret in my life is just spiritual search inside my own memory and head.

I've been like wandering around in like that Matrix loading area forever, trying to remember the context and details of the story in which I heard in my life where a manager at like a Papa John's was fired for calling an Indian kid Mowgli.

And I can't remember who told me the story

or how it went down, but that remains one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life.

That is an awesome story.

Is the boss boss repeatedly calling an Indian teenager that works there Mowgli.

You know, but you say that in 2006 or 5 or whatever?

That was fine.

I 100% could see that happening.

Of course.

Without even.

And then being shocked when it's like, you know, the kid has like a fucking $100 million loss.

Yeah, yeah.

Being like, what?

It was a fun nickname.

Yeah.

We have fun in the office.

And you know where else we'll be having fun is in Cleveland, Ohio this weekend, folks, where I will be at Hilarities from the 7th to the 9th, and also Phoenix, Arizona.

I'll be at the House of Comedy in Phoenix the 14th to the 16th.

And I'll be in Madison the 21st to the 23rd.

Not Faddison.

Not Fadison.

There'll also be a pantheon in New York City on October 13th with Norrie Davis, Joe Firestone, Dan Lakata,

Dina Hashem.

And I think I'm going to do a show show as part of the New York Comedy Festival.

Dan Chocolata.

Yeah.

Dan Lakata.

Dan Chocolata.

Who are the other ones?

Joe Firestone.

Nori, but it's like the Lucy, sushi.

Nori Davis.

Who else is on?

Dina Hashem?

Dina Hashem.

Dina Hash-Browns.

Dina Hash-Browns, yeah.

Who else?

Joe Firestone.

Joe Firestone.

Joe.

Joe Hotta.

Cup of Joe.

Cup of Joe.

Well, that's not really a fat thing.

With chocolate.

Wood chocolate.

And 10 sugars.

What about Joe Fire?

What's the pizza?

Yeah, Fire.

You're saying Brick Joe Brickstone.

Brick Oven Pizza.

Just a little bit.

Wood Fire.

Wood Fire.

Wood Fire Pizza.

Wood Firestone.

Joe Wood Firestone.

Joe Brick Oven Pizza.

Joe Brick Oven Pizza.

Go from Firestone to Brick Oven Pizza.

And it's Flanteon.

Flanteon.

Flanteon will be on October 13th before I leave for Phoenix.

I'm a fucking little busy slut for you fuckers.

I do that show and then I get on a 7 a.m.

flight to Phoenix because all the flights to Phoenix were dog shit.

Hardest working man in the show, biz.

I'm the fucking James Brown of comedy.

That's right.

Ow!

You have a lot of fun.

I suck tits, ba da da da da da da.

And then I bust nuts and ba da da da da da da.

That's me.

He's one of the

hard, bad,

But can I beat off while I suck on your dance?

I'm fat.

My dick don't work.

I'm too fat.

I do have sex.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Nah, so my dick's been working kind of nice recently, ladies.

So I think I've only.

You're on a good streak.

Let me think.

Not me.

The last ten sexual encounters, I think I've only had one problem with my cock.

Wow.

It's like one of those like

since an accident at the factory.

Yeah.

I have a fucking dry erase board I take with me to every hotel.

Yeah.

Yeah, don't count your wins.

Just get ready for the next L.

Dry erase board is how you describe the woman during and after sex with Savros.

There's commas in between those.

What about a race?

Erase doesn't even make sense.

I'll give you drying board.

Well, A race.

She's a dry race.

She's

a type of race.

Well, what if she's mixed race?

And then she'd be at least two.

She's a mixed race.

You haven't ever earned a mixed race pussy.

I've got a mixed race pussy before.

You've never earned it.

No.

Yes, I have.

You've taken it, but you've never seen it.

I've not taken any pussy.

Thank you very much.

I have earned it.

You got to take it.

I'm not on my Cosby shit.

I don't take pussy.

I get pussy.

Thank you very much.

Right.

You're like Bill Cosby if he raped the jail.

Did commercials about women.

They did commercials about whores.

Yeah, you know what?

There's nothing wrong with raping jellos.

Thank you very much.

Secretly, he's stealing a bunch of jellos.

There's nothing wrong with putting your dick in pudding.

Pudding can't, is an inanimate object.

They're calling him reverse Bill Cosby.

The fat man who's white, making commercials about women and secretly stealing jello.

Are they calling him that?

Yes, they are.

What kind of commercial?

Like just four women?

I guess.

Like women.

No, it's a commercial for

David Scorpion, channel for it.

Put that pussy to sleep.

Put that pussy to sleep.

I'm selling.

Yeah, I'm selling a Spanish fly.

No, what I'll be selling is laughs at Cleveland, Phoenix, Madison.

Wow.

And

I think on the 10th, I think I'm going to.

You're just going to use the podcast to promote your shows.

Yeah.

That's the whole reason we started this podcast six years ago.

Well, maybe we should have a fight about it.

Maybe we should have a big on-air spat for

43 minutes, maybe?

How dare you?

How dare you promote shows when you know I'm too lazy to book anything like that?

It's true.

It's pretty rude.

And knowing that the t-shirt company isn't even paying me the money they owe me anymore.

You want me to go talk to them, dude?

No, it's not worth it.

You want me to go fucking crack some heads?

Nah, they're a bunch of, I mean, they got their own problems.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Well, they all live in Albany.

They got a lot of problems.

They live in Albany.

That company's not doing well.

It's in Albany.

You know how much money I make.

I can't be like, where's the fucking $14,000 you owe me?

Yes, you can.

That's a lot of money.

Yeah, but I feel bad for them.

They miss Cuomo.

Yeah.

Albany is really sad now.

I'm telling you, this is.

No, they got Ho Chill over there.

It's just Cuomo.

What a severe-looking woman.

I think she looks like a regular bitch.

No, she looks like someone's.

She looks like a scary aunt.

She looks like one of the James and the Giant peach aunts.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she does.

Seriously.

She's got fucked up eyes.

They're scaring me.

I'm peering into them.

And she has big teeth.

Yeah.

But she probably

bad.

I feel like we did this, actually.

I feel like I looked up young Kathy Hochell.

You know, you really have to.

Yeah, we decided whether or not we'd fuck the governor of New York.

You often over.

I feel like you give too much credit to some of the

stuff we've done in the past.

No, the older women.

No, you put too many in the yes category by virtue of them earning something by being old.

And I don't.

Well, they might be experienced.

Ho-chill might have sucked a good dick from back.

She might have.

You know how by that logic you should be having sex with old men as well.

Oh, not at all.

I've learned a lot.

Okay, here's what I'm saying.

Remember, you know how because of global warming, ice melts and new diseases we don't have any fucking antibodies for get

released into the air.

Well, what if you fuck an old bitch and it's like that and dick-sucking techniques that we've lost to have been lost to history for generations, you unleash them that way?

Have you guys ever fucking considered that?

You're saying it's frozen in her mouth.

Yeah, her mouth

thawing there with my fat little nuts.

Yeah.

What if you release a virus that's been in her mouth, an STD that's been out of commission for fifty years?

Well, that's you can't fuck with nature, stop it.

Dude, that's the other side of the sword.

You can't fuck with nature.

That's the flip side of the sword.

That's the other side of the sword.

Yeah, dude.

You can't fuck with the balance of nature.

Sometimes you have to, though.

Yeah, that's true.

To really, you know, there's no r you can't get reward without a risk.

It's true.

So maybe I get my nuts sucked in a way that we haven't n known about in fucking eons, but maybe I let go of superchlamydia from the fucking

1940s

before fucking before we had penicillin.

I tell you, Doc, my dick's about to fall off.

My shit is burning, Doc.

Doc, I got sores all over my penis.

You think it's because I fucked a Chinese lady, Doc?

I think it's from all that offshore pussy I was getting back in the Navy.

Listen, Doc, I've got bad news.

I've made my dick sore from rape.

Oh, here's a couple aspirin.

I've had,

well, here's

10 pills of heroin

and some child pornography.

Government-issued child pornography.

Make sure you don't smoke any marijuana, have gay sex.

And if you do have gay sex, you have to do it with a wink, and then you're allowed a job in the entertainment industry.

We still have a place for you, but you have to be coy about it.

That's the funniest part about homophobia: it was like, really, it was sort of this, you know, because it's like at no point in history were there, like, well, it's not that there's not going to be gay people, right?

Like, no one ever believed

we can get down to zero.

Yeah, like, no one ever thought that they were like, well, of course, there's going to be gay people.

Yeah, we got retards, we got people with, you know, that limp everywhere.

So you're going to have a couple homophobia.

No, intellectually, it's not a choice, but you have to hate somebody in society.

That's true.

We don't have vaccines yet.

So

why not these guys?

But as long as they knew to be entertaining

and funny.

Yeah.

And so they have to hate themselves on their little secrets.

Even in 1910, you could make a children's movie that's like, boy, I'd love to suck on a man's something.

Wink.

And singing and dancing and sucking a little bit of cream out of

another guy's

just have to pretend like you know they're like no that guy's just happy.

He's just a song and dance man.

Kim and his friends hate, they just don't want to be tied down by women.

I could never find a girl for me

unless we had a fucking COC.

Whoops.

COC, CEO, okay.

You know, there's a bunch of people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got you.

Hello, that kind of shit.

You'll go straight to hello, everybody.

I know the audience is begging for a

commercial break.

Yeah.

A little respite from all this riffing.

Well, we've done too much riffing here.

Let's give this

blue chew.

Uh-oh.

Blue chew.

Folks, and I'll say this.

You know,

why am I batting 9 out of 10 on my last sexual encounters?

It's because because on the days that I know my dick is lacking, I let science take over.

It's true.

I trust the science.

I trust the science.

Saf's actually been taking a new product they offer called Moo Chu.

What is it?

If you're somebody that happens to have four stomachs.

Oh, okay.

Well, I have one.

It's sort of a bovine.

What do they have in it?

Saladophil or Dodonophil.

Is it beef jerky to get your dick hard?

Yeah, it's Ladonophil or Chinazhil.

Phil.

Chinazaphil.

I'm about to fucking fill up a bitch named LaDonna

with my dick.

La Belladonna.

Belladonna, wasn't that that Bucktooth lady that got baseball bats put up her ass?

She used to go hard in the stars.

She really did, dude.

Was she like?

Belladonna was her hero.

That's awesome.

The porn star?

The porn star.

I got my dick sick by a girl who said

Christy Mac was her hero.

Yeah.

And I will say, she was good.

That's the tattoo, bitch.

She had like half a shaved head.

She's hot.

Christy Mac's very hot.

Women have dumb heroes.

You should have heroes like Abraham Lincoln or WrestleMania Hardy.

And Nick loves Abraham Lincoln because he got his thighs fucked by his friend.

What?

I think

you're thinking of Socrates.

No, I'm not at all.

Abraham Lincoln got his thighs fucked by his friend in his little log cabin.

No, you're thinking of him.

He was gay as hell.

We were gay, but for, and we made no bones about it, thank you very much.

You fucking

made no bones about the women you've been seeing either.

Yes, I did.

99 out of 10 bones.

And that's thanks in large part to our friends at bluechew.com with the same active ingredients as Viagra and Sialis.

Tadalophil, Sedenophil.

And you know what?

I used to be an active ingredients and Sialis guy.

Now you're a Viagra.

I switched over to Viagra just a little spice of life.

But that's just

for the fuck, but not for like the 36 hours.

Right.

They each have separate.

Yeah, and I think maybe that has a lot to do with not having a girlfriend where now it's like, you know, I know I'm going to fuck.

It's like, well, why don't I pop a little blue a little blue?

I'm sorry.

Why don't I have a little chewable tablet?

Why don't I have a chewable table?

The move is from Blue Chew.

You invite somebody over, you take the Blue Chew, and then when they buzz your apartment, you're like, boo, you like talking, you're like, who is it?

They're like, it's the girl from Club Penguin.

From Club Penguin.

No.

From DMs.

From DMs with Kids.

No.

From DMs with Kids.

Hey, stop.

It's McKenzie from Nickelodeon.com.

No, it isn't.

From the Kid Pennsylvania.

I am

at all.

Group chat.

It's not that.

From fucking, what do kids even play anymore?

I don't know.

I don't know.

So we traded Nintendo Switch codes on Cooking Mama?

No, we didn't.

I don't know who you are.

From Animal Crossing.

Yeah, no.

Yes.

By the way, Animal Crossing is all like gay adults.

It's not even children, I don't think.

Yeah.

It's Minecraft for the kids.

I don't know, dude.

I'll just play Zelda.

I play stuff for grown-ups.

Yeah, I play Backgammon on my own.

I finished Breath of the Wild, and I had no idea.

I got caught into the making clothes trap again.

Of course you did, dude.

And any game will trick me into thinking it's going to be a very long game the second there's a clothes making option or another

Taylor of Panama.

What was Link dressed in?

You know, everything.

I had to make every type of clothes that you could make.

And to have all the great fairies enhance all of the clothing, which required a lot of finding lizards and different kinds of mushrooms.

The great fairies.

Yeah.

You were in the game?

You and Adam?

You're not looking at me.

The Great Fairies.

You're two.

Oh, I'm going to get a little.

I have a little, I'm holding a little mirror up.

You're not at all.

Yes, I am.

You're not holding a mirror up.

It would be very funny.

I guarantee you that's

tiny fairy wings.

But real quick, we got to talk about it.

Powerful enough

we got to talk about Sedato, Philip and Sedale.

And make sure

that you know what?

I don't have to deal with another email telling me that the promo code was not read.

In fact, it was red.

They just didn't, the person who they just stopped listening probably seven minutes after the ad started, thinking they must have moved on.

Because you say that I'm going to see if there's a way I can sue my employer for making me listen to this

because this was not, I did not, this is a form of sexual harassment to make me listen to this dog shit to get to fucking

to hear the promo code.

Some fucking girl that wants to be in advertising is like listening to this to make sure we're doing it.

She majored in advertising at Wisconsin.

Lacrosse the board.

Yeah, it is.

Girls that have to listen to these ads.

What if it turns out I had been saying lacrosse the board the entire time?

That'd be cool.

Thinking that was the expression.

I wouldn't be surprised.

You're stupid.

Coming from lacrosse to mine.

You just thought the word across was lacrosse.

Come town 20 or whatever.

Bluechew.com/slash come town 20.

We love sex.

We love getting our dicks hard around you.

Open that fucking drawer and pull the copy out.

Yeah, absolutely.

That was part of your job to speak.

I'm sorry, I forgot.

Which, again, you wanted to get salty.

I didn't get...

Oh, we haven't even gotten into it yet.

Breakfast sandwich for you.

We haven't even gotten into it.

Listen, the people are tired of the breakfast sandwich thing.

I don't, I mean, you know, does that mean we shouldn't stretch it out into a third week?

You know, it used to be,

yes.

It used to be, it would get the fall, and I would be like, oh, it'd be nice to have a girlfriend just for the fall.

And now I think it would be nice to have a drug problem for the next five years.

Just get in here, get cozied up.

I found a...

Maybe I can get a tooth extracted.

If any of the fans have any idea how to give yourself

a cavity or an abscess or something.

Teachers.

If there's

something I could inject into myself that I could get a prescription.

Or maybe there's a way to shatter my knee calf.

they don't give you prescriptions anymore because of the opioid crisis.

Unless you find a cool doctor, you can get your wisdom teeth out and they'll just give you television.

I had a fat doctor named Alfredo that would give out pills like they were nothing.

Yeah, sounds cool.

He's like, First of all, I'm glad you came to me because I'm in the family.

Straight up, when I walked in, he was like, he tried to convince me to get gastric bypass surgery.

And I was like, I'm here because my shoulder hurts.

He's like, it's just because you're carrying your stomach all the time.

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Oh, we really do.

Thank you, Madame.

And let's talk a little bit.

You know, you kind of, you know, you didn't

say any of the good parts of the fucking product.

The process is simple.

You're going to say the good parts, Adam.

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three minutes worth of the good parts.

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That's awesome.

In discreet packaging, and it's all done online.

You don't like swallowing pills?

You can chew them.

What else?

Do not...

Oh, yeah, we can't say any of that.

I think we hit it all.

I just want to say, your dick really does get hard.

Your dick does get hard.

It doesn't make up for other shortcomings.

It won't make it physical or personality.

But your dick certainly gets hard.

And the chewables will be made in the United States.

Absolutely.

These colors don't fucking run.

This dick is getting...

Your dick is getting hard thanks to the good fucking.

The chewable tablets that go into your mouth and down into your dick, American hands crafted those.

American hands.

And all of the people at the factory have papers.

Absolutely.

I went through all of their employment files, and they are all legal

and fucking horny.

They're all horny.

Imagine you're horrible.

And they're all hot shanks.

You're going to get so hot.

They're all girls.

They're all girls

that just want you to get hard for them.

Begging you to get hard.

Please.

Please, fuck me.

Please.

I just want more guys to be hard.

I want your cock.

That's the shit they're saying in there.

Police get your desk.

And there's one.

There's one gay Hispanic guy.

There's one guy doing a police navidad.

Police get your desk.

He's just in the corner playing guitar.

And they have a fun work environment, too.

Oh my God.

Their office culture is the best.

They have happy hours.

We have a good environment because the company is workarounded.

That's right.

I learned that from my socialistas podcast.

They have very agreeable maternity leave, and that's good because all those bitches are getting referred.

They're getting fucked and they're getting cumbed in.

They told me how to do it.

They're constantly just getting busted.

These pussies are fucking overflowing with shit.

Just in case you're just joining us now, this is the Bluetooth factory.

Oh, we're at the factory.

All the workers are girls with sopping wet pussies that are filled to the brim with goo.

You can order.

You can win a tour of the factory.

Hosted by

Willie Hart.

Willie.

Willie Schwann.

And guess what?

It's like one of those factories where

my Dick Hart

view my

and they make them all work naked because they don't want them stealing any of the blue chips.

It's like just like in Blow or one of those drug movies where they make the bitches naked with wesley snipes no no no the original one is money trade no man where

double impact new jacks new jack city nude nude nude jacks nude black city nude black city new wow nude black uh that i could not live there that's right buster how about needs

put to shame and it's about uh

jackie chan

or is it the other one smacky channel smacky chan but that was the last one.

Yeah, that was the last episode.

Yeah, I got no, I'm not paying attention.

So anyway, go to Blue Chew.com, use promo code ComeTown, get $5 free order, just $5 shipping, and fuck all the hot girls.

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And

they're not going to have your shit to you on time if you want it for the the holidays.

You need to get in early.

You need to do you need to place those orders now because I guarantee you if it gets to mid-October, you ain't getting that shit till fucking March.

And listen, go to stavi.biz for merch that'll get there sooner.

Get a weed prano shirt for your stepdad.

See if he's cool.

Come dot town.

Just pay whatever the car is shipping.

I don't know what the fuck shipping is.

But go now.

You want the holiday shit.

You got to fucking shoot from the pussy or something.

You got to shoot from the pussy.

You got to shoot straight.

Like it's a fucking ping-pong ball.

Just like you're back in Hanoi.

I want a bunch of little miniature blueberry muffins.

Sounds awesome.

You won them or you want them?

I want them.

I thought you won an awesome life.

I also want to participate in a cake walk, which I haven't done since, which was the only thing I ever won in my entire life.

I know.

It's incredible.

What's a cake walk?

It's a thing.

Everyone wins.

You know know how everyone wins.

They say it's a cake walk.

You know what that expression comes from?

And as a kid, I won a cake, and I was like, really?

Yeah.

I was like, this is a.

I feel it.

I've never heard about a cake walk.

So they have like all the moms make a baked good, right?

And then you get in a circle, right?

You walk around, they stop on the circle.

You walk around, they stop.

Yeah, stop on a number, and then you get the corresponding baked good.

That's so fucking cool.

It's the coolest thing in the entire world.

How the fuck have I never went on a cake walk?

Well, your family was too poor.

And you couldn't walk either.

I could walk.

I was a great athlete as a youth.

More cake, not so much walk

in the style.

Listen, nine-year-old judge.

You whoop nine-year-old both of your asses in sports.

Judge is

the judge is looking at

the cakewalk.

Yeah, like, we can't see his legs moving.

It's just a ball.

You know, sort of rolling.

I had powerful legs as a youth.

No.

I really did.

I was a young soccer star.

Yeah.

No.

I just happened to be obese.

Didn't happen.

It did happen.

You were the ball.

Okay.

I remember one time, though, this was.

No, I was not.

One time, though, you were like, me and Eldis, like, we were the same, we were the same height growing up, and then he just got tall, and I didn't.

And then you showed a picture of you and Eldis's kids, and he's clearly way taller than you.

No, yeah, he was.

That was fifth grade.

It had already started.

But we were the big big kids.

He was

top row.

You were top row.

Thank you, Adam.

I was top row.

I'm just being fair.

Was he top row?

I've been the same height.

I've been the same height since fucking seven and eight.

There's nothing I could do about it.

I stopped growing in fucking eighth grade.

Elders is bitch-ass fucking.

You just said it already started in fifth grade.

Well, the separation.

He's an elementary school picture.

We're talking kids on a carpet with their legs crossed.

I was top row, and you both know it.

A Hispanic girl wearing her best sweater.

I was top row.

That kind of style

entry.

That is what it was.

But we were the tallest kids in class growing up.

And that cocksucker kept growing and I stayed right here where I'm at.

You slowed down.

And I'm still pissed off at God for that one.

And God can suck my fucking.

And now Eldis is one of those tall hot guys

being handed everything he said.

Just one of those jocks that doesn't even have to open his mouth.

He just gets a little bit of a music.

He's one of the least coordinated people I've ever met in my life.

He's just such a fumbly guy.

But, yeah, I guess the Lord said, you know what, I'm too strong.

I'm too

compact.

I'm rich.

You know, I'm like a fucking

lint chocolate, one of those little lint chocolate balls.

Yeah.

That reminds me of Christmas time.

I eat the lint 100% dark chocolate.

Yeah.

And they come in a special gold foil, and there's a tasting guide inside of the fucking box.

100%.

100%, dude.

There's no sugar whatsoever in that bitch.

It's like eating a little piece of

cigarette.

That's great.

Because I like an 87%.

No,

I smoke a cigarette, and I have my dark chocolate, and I pretend I'm interrogating a French family.

Where are the Jews?

Where did you hide them?

Where did you hide them?

I just say, you know what I'm here for.

We all know what I'm here for.

I'm not even going to ask any questions.

I'm going to eat this bar of chocolate, and I don't need to tell you what happens when I finish it

if I don't have what I want.

And then I slowly break off a piece and I eat it and then I smoke my cigarette.

And you're like,

delicious.

And

you shoot around into the attic.

And I'm like, dude, I don't speak this language.

I don't even speak German.

I'm here volunteering.

I'm here.

I'm here.

I'm grew up in Bakersfield, California.

I'm here on an internship.

It's 2013.

Yeah.

It's not even the Holocaust.

Just a young girl from North Jersey getting an internship with the Nazi Party.

Yeah.

Because her uncle knows.

Doing social media.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, just asking.

You're not hiding any Jews in the basement, are you?

Oh, my God.

We are your own people.

How can you do this to us?

I don't know.

I could ask somebody i don't know

i'm just like really trying to i'm trying to get i'm just trying to get a good i'm trying to get a drama

i'm trying to i'm trying to work at the conde net condom condom nasty condom nasty

condom gash condom gash

that's good stuff A little dry cough that sponsored by Ridge Wallet.

We got a little dry cough there.

Yeah.

Ridge Wallet, our favorite sponsor.

We love those fuckers.

We literally use all their products.

It's a product we use.

I use the backpack all the time because I go places.

I use the backpack.

It would be nice if I had a bigger one.

I use the backpack, too.

And you know what?

I go on the road a lot.

It'd be nice if I had a fucking,

what the fuck are those called?

The commuter.

No, the duffel bag.

Because you know how hard it is.

Not only you got to pack your clothes, but bring a full-size refrigerator with you on the road.

Why would I have to do that

having that shipped on the the plane which is the same plane from the movie Operation Dumbo

I couldn't even use a I could use a fucking

duffel bag and it's the it's the night of the big show and we're here at the LZ outside of Hilarity's Comedy Club and there comes Stavros with his refrigerator in tow parachuting down

you think I'd just parachute directly into the clubs gracefully down into the big field outside of Cleveland

where he'll be brought by earth movers to his

airport and all the big outdoor pool

emptied out.

The local SeaWorld has emptied out the pool and they put

hamster cage shit all over the bottom.

And the local children have come to welcome him and wave him on as he laughs.

I'm not at all what happened.

You guys are fucking liars.

The most important part is that he brings a refrigerator with him.

You guys are fucking liars.

The Ridge Wallet refrigerator.

Well, why don't you give us a review of the duffel bag that you use?

Stop using the fridge wallet.

No, I told you.

The duffel bag I gave away to a guy dying with AIDS who emailed me.

It's definitely here.

No, it's not.

It's definitely in this fucking.

I can't wait till all the fans die have AIDS.

Our story.

Father Sum team, Daniel and Paul Kane, launched their Ridge

Womlet on

Starborough in

2013.

That's how you say that, right?

And now sits in the from

pocket of

over a million men and women

worldwide.

It's a pretty good story.

The two have since

requited a small,

close

Knit team to

Exodus.

Well, Paul and Chris, if you're listening, give me a fucking duffel bag because I'll put it to use.

And send me one of the knives.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, Adam.

Why?

You got a big backpack.

I've been using it, dude.

That backpack's been to France.

Their vision of

Cree

18.

Anyway, they got phone cases, wallets, backpacks, knives, and power stuff.

Power straps.

We'll give it up for Don and Tom Paulus.

Good guys.

Oh, Daniel and Paul Kane.

Sorry.

They're good guys, man.

The Paulus brothers who created the wallet back in 29.

It looks like they're kind of those Van Life kind of people

based on this picture.

Yeah, Van Life.

It's sort of a Gabby Tatito

Brian Singer situation.

Kind of a.

They didn't get laundry yet?

They're never going to find them.

They're never going to find laundry.

No.

Oh, shit.

That guy's still out and about?

No, I guarantee you're not.

Good on him.

He's somewhere in Bushwick right now.

Yeah.

Living with a mixed race kid with that mop haircut.

Yeah, he's literally on Tinder.

Yeah, he's on Tinder.

He's going to Maria Hernandez Park every day.

He's hiding in plain sight.

To hit on girls dressed like fucking nightmare before Christmas nerds

now who were all born in in 2001

and I'm staring out my blinds in a wheelchair masturbating

fucking calling the police I'm about to come I'm about to come there's children fucking more than I did or do now and it's pissing me off

good thing I have my Ridge wall you don't understand

company listen detective I'm a I'm an old man who's wasted his fucking life and everybody hates me and all I can do is jack off and I want you to arrest those kids for getting more more pussy than me.

But,

sir, it's me, the police.

What if we send you a Ridge wallet?

Yeah.

Or any of their line

products.

Or you send me a bitch.

Yeah.

What if we put a Ridge wallet in her pussy?

I guess I'll have to accept that.

Okay.

Great.

Is it Jimmy Stewart in that movie?

It's not, is it?

It is.

It is.

In Rear Window.

Rear Window.

Yeah.

I don't know why I thought it was Gregory Peck for a second.

Gregory Peck.

Now there's a guy who got a lot of fucking pussy.

Not me.

I was in World War II and everyone thinks I'm a fucking loser.

Why do you need Gregory Peck in my ass?

They got a titanium wallet.

They got an aluminum wallet.

They have a gold wallet.

They got the carbon five.

It looks like the gold has been discontinued.

They have 18 carat, it looks like.

It's right here.

Where?

I don't see it.

It's under their best sellers.

Not only is it not discontinued, a lot of fucking losers have that one.

Yeah.

They got a Tiki wallet with uh hawaiian shit on it they got all types of stuff guys and these wallets uh they protect against hackers scanning your credit cards which happens to me on a daily basis personally

what else that's i mean uh what's the what's the deal that they got nick um the deal i don't think they even have a deal we just promote their products oh okay i don't think there's a deal i don't think there's a deal

carbifier 3 well fuck around, check it out.

Type Comtown, type Comtown.

Try them out.

Check out.

Let's see.

Let's check out

Express Checkout.

Code or gift card.

Let's try it.

There's a goad.

There's got to be a code.

This is a goad.

Yeah.

Put in the

gym goad.

Oh, yeah.

No, hold on.

I got something off here.

It looks

Cometown.

It says hospital employees, medical providers.

That looks like it got me $12.50 off.

There you go.

That's pretty good.

That's free fucking money right now.

That's free money to put in your pocket.

A lot of folks say $12.50 can't buy you a lot these days.

But with $10, $10, $2.20, that'll get you a fucking 20-minute phone call.

That'll get you a 20-minute long-distance phone call, okay?

Bubby Bob Boom Boobiano.

You want to

call up the fucking Sultan of Brunei and tell him that in 12-11 his letter to Sultan Mehmed the 1214 was fucking explicitly homosexual gayer than when Catherine the Great sacked for you know I don't know whatever is bullshit yeah

even doing even doing it's so funny how much how much people fucking every commercial was for ways to make long-distance calls yeah they had Seth green talking about

C-A-L-L-A-T-T.

I remember using 10-10-220.

I was heavy on the 10-10-220.

I remember placing a collect call and my mom getting mad at me about it.

You can just deny the call.

It was funny because there was that commercial with Bob, We Had a Baby, Eats a Boy.

Yes.

That was a good commercial.

They just tell you how to fucking game the system.

Well, that's what I did with my mom.

When I wanted to...

I'd be like, hey, pick me up.

Exactly.

Pick me up from Greek school.

Yeah.

Even though it was a three-block walk.

What's Greek school?

That's just being molested, man.

Yeah, you go in, a guy who took a sucks your little ass dick.

Yeah, well, it's like, you know, you get molested and then you learn how to molest.

Right, that's fifth grade and that's sixth grade.

You should be once you get confirmed.

You should be the little Caesars guy for Halloween this year and stuff.

Pizza, pizza.

Penis, penis.

There's not much of the costume.

There's a spear.

Come town.

There's a spear with a come town.

Yeah, and you got

what is that, like an olive leaf?

What do the Greek people wear on that?

Yeah, yeah, one of those Olympics shits.

Yeah, the wreath.

yeah whatever that shit is you wear that and then um oh god

your back hurts yeah uh

uh

come town is a promo code of the ridge wallet website that's awesome all right check them out check them out i really do i use it's a great product it is the ridge wallet fucking rules

and i have nothing against them

Let me put that out there.

But if they want to send us more free shit.

Not us.

If they want to right some historical wrongs,

aka the guy with the little backpack.

I don't understand that.

Not getting an extra extra thing.

So there's three backpacks that we got sent.

Yours is missing a pocket.

Therefore, you get extra stuff to put you ahead of the rest of us.

Rather than.

No, no, no.

What happened was we played rock, paper, scissors, and Staff lost.

You can't lose like a gentleman.

I am getting fucked here.

He's had to come back.

I'm getting fucked in a major way.

And I think it's only fair that the guy who's getting fucked backpack-wise gets an extra bag.

No, what wrong needs to be corrected is we need to go back all the way to 1993 and get your little fat ass in a fucking cakewalk.

That would be awesome.

That's true.

Maybe you would have found what you've been trying to find your whole life.

You have a ship on your shoulder that you've been nipping at like a fucking crumb.

I would have loved.

And the thing is, there is no child

in the history of the world that would have appreciated a cakewalk more than me.

It would have changed your work.

That's what I would have done.

Fuck.

Ah, fuck.

You would have you would have

imagined do this happen.

I want to go to a cake walk so bad.

I want pastries.

We'll find you a cake walk.

You got to join a church.

You should have written a tried to submit an article to Salon during the pandemic about how you never got a cakewalk as a kid.

The picture of yourself, and now you probably never will because of Corona.

I should have.

Just a picture of you looking serious with your hair all shitty, coming to the side.

Like I'm there's a very good chance I will lose the use of my legs during during the pandemic, during quarantine lockdown, which I did for a period last summer.

That's right.

I had my own personal corona corporate.

People forget that, that Stava was literally wheelchair bound

for like 50 years.

That was your first one, yeah.

Yeah, it was pretty cool.

Wearing a swimsuit

of wanting to kill myself in quite some time.

That was a very interesting time.

I remember just going into your bedroom and then just all of us just doing different pills that you had in like a miscellaneous pill jar.

That was really fucked up.

That was maybe the worst three months of my life.

Damn.

I'm trying to remember the worst three months of my life.

Yeah, a lot of it, I guess.

Yeah.

Anyway, so Stop.

We both watched The Many Saints of Newark.

We'll get to that.

What happened?

What revelations did you have in Nashville, Nashville, Adam?

Oh, well, listen, of course.

The many paints of.

I was going to bring this up last time you said it.

Yeah, what was that?

I don't know where to go from there.

I was thinking of the many paints of.

Of the colors of the wind.

Okay, fine.

No.

That's definitely not it.

So what happened in Nashville?

Well, just a lot of people approached me and they said that I was right about the breakfast.

What is there even to be right about?

What the fuck is there even to be right about?

They said that you were being

generous by offering

they're out of bounds.

You know what I found out this week?

That's what I said to them.

No, you didn't.

No, you didn't.

Hold on.

You said, yeah, you're right.

No, you fucking did.

And I said, for you to make disparaging comments.

No, you know what?

It's fat phobia if they were against me.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I found out?

I'd say a lot of fat phobic things.

Go ahead.

I can hold my breath for three minutes.

No way.

Yeah.

How'd you find that out?

I just tried it.

I want to see how long.

Three minutes?

Three minutes.

Which is apparently that's like.

You know what you should get into?

Is you should.

David Blaine can only do six and a half minutes.

He's a fucking pussy.

You're a half blame.

I'm halfway there, and he tried for that shit.

I could go.

Let's all try.

Though, what at a time it is.

Yeah, and then you're going to be cheating.

Also, we need you to grill Adam on this, whatever he's saying about

the thing.

The fact that you, first of all, apologized last week.

No, I retract my apology.

And now, because some fucking yokels in Nashville, some fat phobic pieces of shit that don't understand what friendship is and don't understand what having someone's back means.

First of all, they understand friendship.

They're my friends.

They're not your friends.

And second of all.

They don't love you.

I love you.

They don't love you.

And you fucking betrayed me.

And you apologized.

I was happy to put it behind us.

You hit me because you love me.

I do.

Maybe this is a cycle of violence that I need to bust my way out of.

You need to give me the names and addresses of the people that said you were right about fucking.

I'm gonna find them.

And you know what?

You probably said, Thanks, you guys.

Because you know what?

You know how many people come up to me?

I said, You know how many people come up to me and I said, Listen, Adam, he's gay.

I'm printing

thousands.

Yeah.

And what I say to them is

fuck off.

A lot of them friends.

A lot of them tell me that, too.

And I say, Adam's my friend.

I don't know you.

I said to the friend.

But you probably said, yeah, he's a fucking idiot.

No, I said, no, no, no.

I love the adoration.

Here's the evidence.

I'm not making.

The Sean Patton fiasco.

Yep.

Remember when

Stav was on stage?

Sean said I had a big penis.

Sean's like, man, it looks like Stav's got a huge dick.

And you're like, actually, he doesn't.

Actually, his dick is very small.

No, I didn't say his dick was very small.

Oh, yes, he did.

No, I didn't.

I said he had a regular size penis.

No, no no no no no sir i'm sorry i should have let sean patton think you had a big penis you should have you should have and you're not honestly educating us i will concede that point i will concede that concede the sandwich retract your retraction of your opponent no i want to finish what i said to those

what i said to those people what i said was you pretend like you get

a peek behind

after you wear a motherfucker out trying to get you to understand what you did wrong yep and then you finally do and the second you breathe easy you say oh but you know i guess i was kind of in the right mood and it just breaks you down a lot of people said and that's emotional abuse i'm just saying listen i'm not saying

abuse me okay listen you're

what i said to those people you're a toxic you are toxic it's true you're toxic

what i said

what i said to those people i said it's a show and we were just having fun that's what i said to them that's a cop out i didn't say yes that's a way for you i didn't say yes you're right that i was one of the people not Not only not denying it, making himself this magnanimous fucking dynamic.

No, I said, We're just having fun.

Not only are you saying, yes, right, you're saying,

of course, he was wrong, but I'm.

But for me, I'm doing a job.

I'm entertaining.

I couldn't have done that.

I said, it's just a show.

He doesn't know any better, poor Stavros.

I didn't say that.

I didn't say any of that.

I didn't apply that.

Marmalade on the brain.

I didn't apply any of that.

They're all sticky and they don't conduct.

Someone wants to come up to me and say that my friend Sava is fat.

I'll tell them that they're a fucking idiot.

And they've never even met Stav.

In real life, Sava is not fat at all.

He looks great.

It's just a character.

It's just a character.

It's just a show.

Yeah, if they want to talk shit, but they weren't talking shit about you.

They were.

No, they weren't.

By weighing in against me on the sandwich debate, they were attacking everything I stand for.

Listen, there were a couple.

And you're so weak-witted.

And weak-minded that you let these fucking idiots to take away the

correct stance you had finally come to.

I'm just saying.

You let them drive a wedge between us.

Okay.

And that's your fucking issue.

I've said this before.

I am nothing if not a survivor.

And if popular sentiment goes one way, that's where I'm going to.

That's how you fucking were missing the forest for the fucking trees, motherfucker.

You're around some little dick-ass trees that just wanted to curry favor with you.

They probably don't even believe it.

Because what kind of a morally bankrupt person person would listen to the sandwich saga and land with you on that situation?

It disgusts me.

Yeah, exactly.

So they were lying to you.

I guarantee you, if fucking Stop were in that end town,

they would have said.

I can't believe what Adam did.

And if I were in town, I would have hung out in the green room the whole time and then gone to my hotel and not had any interactions with any of them.

That's probably, honestly, the most known solution.

I would have bombed the whole week, and they would have done better than me on the shows, and I wouldn't even fucking care.

I wouldn't have watched any of their sets.

I would not fucking give them advice or be cool to them.

And I wish them the best of luck.

But just none of my personal time.

But none of my time.

Because if they're lucky, if they get that one in a million shot and things work out, it's going to ruin their life.

None of them, because I am actually the one who cares about people.

Not really, but

you know.

It's something to tell yourself.

It's something to tell yourself.

exactly.

It's how I sleep at night.

And my sleep is important because I'm bipolar.

And if I don't sleep, then guess who's going to have to use Adam's credit card

to buy a bunch of puzzles online?

Fuck.

Is bipolar is it get do people go more bipolar in the fucking winter?

Is there a bipolar season?

I feel like summer is worse.

Yeah, that makes sense.

It like cooks your brain.

Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

You gotta stay cool.

Yeah, you gotta stay sexy out there.

You gotta stay cool.

You gotta stay hot.

You gotta stay big.

You gotta eat ass.

You gotta be a bag.

Well, I guess since the episode is coming to an end, we can discuss the Many Saints of Newark.

Spoiler alert, everyone.

We will be.

The Many Paints of.

Go ahead.

You get a second crack at it.

Ah, fuck.

The Many Paints of.

No, the Many Paints of.

What's the guy's name?

Bob

Bob Hoskins the painter Ross the menu paints of Bob Ross that sounds like Newark Yeah the menu paints of Bob Ross paints with Bob Ross he's pretty good at painting he's dead dude he was

think he's got a daughter or granddaughter or some shit should I buy a house in Newark

yeah why not

it's mad cheap dude you can get a house in like Forest Hill for like 600 grand is that a neighborhood

yeah It's like a nice historic neighborhood.

Oh, really?

It's just in fucking Newark, so it's like.

How far is it?

It's like right, you know, it's right outside Newark.

It's right outside the city.

Would it take like 40 minutes to drive from here?

No,

Newark is as far away from Manhattan as Brooklyn is, basically.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Like if you were living in...

I don't think that's true.

No, it is true.

If you were living in Ocean Hill or something.

Like, you know, a little deep, like Far Crown Heights or something.

It's on the bottom.

Oh, you're saying deep Brooklyn?

It's not like being in Williamsburg.

I mean, Bedstead's pretty fucking close.

Look at a map.

Look at a fucking map.

I was surprised last time I went to Newark airport how fast it took.

You just want to refute something I'm saying that you're like, oh, I don't think I don't think that.

I think you saying that Newark is as far as Brooklyn is not true.

You go over a bridge and then you're in Brooklyn.

You can't go over a bridge and be in Newark.

Anyway, that movie fucking sucked.

Stav and I both agree that movie sucked.

Yeah, it was not very good.

It broke my heart, in fact, I would say.

It was a movie about fucking...

there was no reason for it to exist.

You know what really pissed me off?

If you actually want to talk about New York is as far away from Manhattan as Ocean Hill or like Deep Crown Heights.

I didn't know you were talking about Deep Brooklyn or Flatbush.

That's first of all, that's not Deep Brooklyn.

I'm not making this point and saying, like, yeah, it's about as far away as Brighton Beach is.

Fucking Ocean Hill, Crown Heights, that's reasonable.

Flatbush, even, is probably closer than Flatbush.

You gotta suck dick, you gotta fuck ass, you gotta suck pussy.

What was that, Adam?

Fuck you also.

How dare you?

Fucking dare you.

I'm wrong about how close Newark is.

Yeah, fuck you.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

What the fuck is this?

The Newark Museum of Art?

What do they got there?

Just a piece of toilet paper somebody wiped their ass with?

Yeah, it's modern art.

Yeah.

That's modern art.

Get the ass.

Suck all my

Come here.

Super A-blinking statue.

That's the guy that gets

his thigh cheeks fucked.

He was from Newark?

Yeah, he's from Newark.

I didn't know that.

The building itself looks cool.

It was a once-great city

that Italians built brick by brick.

Fucking brick.

And then they gave it away.

Out of the goodness of their own hearts.

I can't believe it.

No, the thing that did piss me off.

Yes, go ahead.

Is that when you watch the show in all the flashback scenes, they're all very sweet and kind of like rose-tinted.

That's $5.95 for this place.

That's still real money.

Have you looked at it?

Is it a big house?

But this house would cost $3 million in New York.

Yeah.

And if you look at home prices in the rest of the country now, nowhere is fucking cheap.

It's like the average home prices everywhere are like $300,000.

It's insane.

Yeah, that's right.

Hey, Greektown, you can still get another deal over there.

We should all move to Greektown, boys.

We get a house for $150,000.

That is a really nice house.

You got a fucking dick.

You got to fucking.

Of course, I'll never do such a thing.

No, it's still too far away.

Yeah.

I'll continue to be fucked in my ass and rent in New York until the money dries up from the show, at which point I will start abusing the social services for people with violent mental illness.

What are we doing for them these days?

What do you mean, what are we doing for them?

The social services.

I dated a girl for a while that ran a housing program for mentally ill people.

Oh, and she get a house?

Sincerely was like, you know, I could get you an apartment.

I was like, um.

You should have taken her up on it.

Yeah, probably.

Damn.

Yeah, but then we broke up, and then I would have to, like, check in.

Did you see how Jewish Adam was there?

He's like, damn, I could see the look in his eyes.

He was like, Can I fake it?

I'm like, get a free apartment.

Look at this place, $5.99, gorgeous.

It is gorgeous.

Yeah.

And Adam could never live there or see it.

Yeah, you're not allowed.

He's not allowed.

I can go on Zillow on my phone.

If you do and you do that in my company, I will start kicking the back of your shirt.

No, I'm going to do it behind your back.

I'm going to start kicking your knees and aiming for your groin.

I'm going to be doing that behind your back.

I'm going to start kicking towards you.

Yeah.

This even when I hear hear their phone unlock noise.

Just to be safe, I'm going to put it on silent.

A roundhouse kicking your ankles and thighs.

Just whacking.

I feel like movies really overstated the rules.

Giving your legs the chop.

Movies really overstated the power of a roundhouse kick.

No, they didn't.

Yeah.

Because Adam tried the roundhouse kick.

You just don't know how to kick.

It just takes a long time to get around.

You have no power.

You have no ability to ride.

Ah, fuck my ass.

You could never do karate.

Me?

Why?

Don't have the gumption.

It's true.

Aren't built for it.

You're absolutely.

Aren't built for combat.

Adam does Brazilian shoe kids poo, where he goes into a place and they serve him

his children's feces and he chews it like bubblegum.

Do you really?

He's like, if you don't swallow the food, they can't charge you for it.

And then he spits it back out on the plate and he's like, you can still get the nutrients.

I'm returning this

children shit that I refuse to pay for.

That's disgusting.

Do you really do that, Adam?

What?

And they're like, I don't do that.

What is it?

Portuguese people?

Oh, yeah.

Brazilian chips.

Brazilian chukits.

Chukits.

Chukkids.

Chukuts.

That's the karate.

Do you really do that, Adam?

I don't do that, but you could could do that.

Did we say promo code Cometown?

Yeah, we did.

We did Ridge Wallet, yeah.

For either one.

Ridge Wallet, Blue Shoe.

Come Town or Cometown, 20.

I think they were both Cometown this time.

Wow.

What a time to be alive.

What I was going to say, Stav,

was that I feel like in all the flashback scenes in the show,

you realize that the flashbacks, he's like with Melfie, so you realize that the flashbacks are kind of like misremembering the past.

Yeah, yeah, right, because that's how colored glasses that's how people remember their childhood, right?

Yeah,

but but you know, you're like, you can assume that that's not actually how things happen because that's just one guy's memory of his past, of course, as he's a little kid, as he's a little kid, too.

No one remembers things clearly from their youth, but I feel like the tone of the movie was the same thing, yeah.

But it wasn't like someone looking back and like having nostalgia for the past.

It was just like, oh, we're going to make a whole movie.

It's not even

going to be like Tony misremembering the past.

Right, but it's like, but it's also like Christopher's.

And Christopher's the narrator?

What the fuck does that?

How does that?

How does he know about any of this?

Apparently, they had various openings and closings that they threw away.

One was like Carmella in a cemetery looking at Christopher's grave and that she was going to be the narrator.

And then just, and what we were saying before the show, like just all the fucking Easter eggs for the fans.

Yeah, it felt like a fucking Marvel movie.

It was like all such fan service-y bullshit.

Where they're like, that's right, Carmella.

Oh, when he says Carmella, and she's not even, there's no reason for it to be there.

There's no, there's absolutely no reason.

Yeah, all the junior lines and all the fucking, and then Paulie and Sylvia were horrible.

I mean, Sylvia's the guy that played Sylvia was just doing a cartoon-horrific, just a cartoon-ish impression.

It pissed me off.

I really I expected nothing out of that movie, and then the next day I was thinking about it and I was just like, I'm going to watch it again.

I will say, I actually like John Bernthal's performance because he's the one guy who wasn't doing an impression.

I like seeing him in anything.

Because

he made the character his own thing, you know?

And then, and then, and then I will say Rayleota's second guy.

He was old Jim one time?

Was he John Bernthal?

Yeah, and he looked.

He worked out so quickly that you didn't have time to process it.

It was John Bernthal.

Was he actually working out or was he just...

I think he probably just was like looking for something to do.

Wanted to get a quick pump.

It didn't look like they were.

I like seeing that guy.

He kind of just fucked around on an exercise ball for a minute and then maybe did like some lat pulldowns.

I can't remember, but he wasn't there that long.

Yeah.

And also, wait, can I ask you another question?

Do you think there's an implication that Junior's gay?

Because she's like, you know, he's complaining about his back, and then she's like, yeah, that, you know, you never, you know, like, she, then she implies.

Anything not to fuck.

Anything not to fuck.

And then you remember in the show, there's that scene where he beats the woman up for claiming that he likes to eat pussy because it's gay to like to eat pussy.

And then there's like a, that's, like, one of the saddest scenes in the world.

It would be really funny if he was gay.

And

in this world, eating pussy is gay.

Yeah.

It kind of is.

Yeah, it kind of is.

I don't know.

I'd have to rethink that.

I just thought that, like,

yeah, everything was really ham-fisted and just

didn't...

there was no story really there was there's no reason to make that movie there was there was not i will say the the

the italian hollywood dicks italian wife was a piece of asshole

so so if you're listening to this can i please suck your tips she looks like kind of like a like a young penelope cruise she's got penelope cruise vibes for sure but it's like untaldanzo also just for a second because i didn't watch this thing yeah but how fucking stupid and lazy a name is?

The Many Saints of Newark.

Yeah, Multisant.

Multasanti.

Is that what Man?

Multasanti.

Yeah, Malta Santi, yeah.

Well, it's still a dumb name.

But also, it's like, I didn't feel like we understood that world at all.

It was all felt like a flashback.

Like,

who the fuck was Joey Coco Diaz?

Who was that?

I don't know.

Like, who the fuck was he at all?

Like, why don't we know anything about just some guy that looks like pussy?

Yeah.

It was funny that they like cast some Samoan guy to play

Hindu.

Yeah, they cast him like some Pacific Islander to play.

I mean, I guess he did look a little bit like him, but and also just the fucking kid is so bad at acting.

Candolphini's son.

Yeah, oh, they got his real son.

They got his real son to play.

I feel bad.

That's an impossible position to be in.

Yeah, it's like you're

he's the greatest actor of all time.

Also, that kid, like, apparently he's like sober.

He's like, had demons, but like, like,

that's what they call it if you use a drink, is that I had demons.

No, no, no, but you would imagine haunted by something from hell.

Well, you're playing.

Yeah.

Whatever.

Okay, maybe I'm reading it.

I'm reading into things too much, but, like, you, like, okay, you're, you're fucking chasing the ghost of your father who played, like, the most fucking, like, legendary fucking television.

Maybe the most.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right.

And then, like, you lose him when you're a little kid, and then you go go into acting by playing like that's I feel so bad for him totally, and but that's what it feels like is like it's these things where you can't exactly like you can't blame that kid for trying, right?

No, and then but you also and it's on some level, you can't blame this feels like David Chase.

This feels like when MJ put on the fucking Wizards jersey, absolutely, where it's like he just wanted a little taste of what he used to be because this

it felt like the wizards like, yeah, there's moments where you're like, oh, that was pretty cool, but it's a mess.

You should have played young Tony Soprano as Paul Dano.

Just mad fat.

Make him get fat.

He would have crushed it.

He would have crushed 15-year-olds.

It would have been weird.

Yeah, I mean, he looks 15, so

he's probably like 40 at this point.

But

he's way too old to play young Don Zoppopo Zoop.

But he looks, yeah, but he's one of the

G-train all the time.

Well, that settles it.

Yeah.

So he should have been the guy.

Look at him now.

Of course, how old is he?

He's 15-year-old.

He's 52 years old.

He's always going to look 15, that guy.

But yeah, I mean, every time it was a character that was

contemporary, like a young version of a character, no one did a good job.

Except, you know what?

The woman who played Olivia was pretty good.

She was the best part of me.

She was really good.

And you know what was really cool about it is that her performance, she sounded exactly like Carmella.

And then, like, oh, you like, do you marry your mother?

Oh, that was the one.

That's the only thing that actually didn't bother me.

And And that had some depth to it and was actually interesting.

And yeah, she played.

You know what I'll say?

Rayleota's second guy with the second guy was really good.

Really good.

Paulie.

But at the same time, they should have put

kind of stunt casting.

Coco Cube in it or Coco T.

Who's that?

Ice T's Wife.

They should have put her.

Cocoa T.

That's her name, right?

Yeah.

Coco T.

She would have been good.

She would have been good.

Go to Olivia Soprano.

Who else?

Let me cast you.

Tell me some other names.

All right.

So young.

Christopher Walken

returns as Frank White.

Yeah, that'd be good.

Sopranos.

And then why the fuck was Frank Vincent?

Why the fuck was Frank Vincent in?

I think they wanted to do, because of 2021, they had to have like a social justice asset.

Although that's not true, because I remember they mentioned the Newark riots in the flashback.

Yeah, yeah.

In season one, when he goes to follow his dad to the fair.

Yeah, yeah, she's like, stay off Springfield Avenue because they're tearing it apart.

So, like, I guess they're like calling back to that.

They were, but it's also like, why did we need to have oh no, Frank Lucas, Frank Lucas, not Frank Vince.

What the fuck was that scene even about?

It was just a mess, bro.

It's like, do you remember American Gangster?

We got that guy in this movie, too.

And it's also like the one time you use a real

gangster.

Yeah, it's the one actual like they never say, like, oh, fucking you know

whatever Vince Gigante or like they don't use real gangster just fucking bad dude.

It sucked.

It sucked.

It broke my heart.

Yeah, honestly, I like went into it expecting nothing and then the next day I started getting I'm gonna re-watch it

but I re-watched it with Racine this weekend because he hadn't seen it

but um

that's like when you put on a movie for a baby yeah I just wanted to keep him yeah just to just put him cross-legged in a diaper.

Drool coming out of his mouth.

Just clapping with all of his fingers spread apart.

Yeah, Tony.

Yeah, Tony.

Oh,

yeah, you know what's funny?

I actually thought the kid who played Tony as a little kid was better.

Yeah.

I saw him at...

I saw him at the.

Adam saw a little baby.

Interesting.

Yeah, he was.

Privately, they had a secret.

You did?

You had a private meetup with a baby?

Yeah, I went to a private baby meetup, it sounds.

Well, yeah, I mean, it's a meetup for babies.

No, I mean, there were other adult guys there.

Adam meeting one of his friends from R slash Babies.

Yeah, we had a meetup.

The babies subreddit.

Yeah, we all took a selfie together for R slash Baby meetup.

We had a subscript for babies, and we had a meetup, and Adam showed up.

I thought this was the place for baby dicked guys.

Yeah,

please go raid that subreddit.

Smells babies and be like, yeah, my dick is small.

No, I thought this was for small dick guys.

For guys with little ass dicks.

I would love it if there's just hundreds of posts like that on the arc because it's just people posting their babies.

Oh, really?

Like, I got a baby.

Yeah, post your little ass penis on this stuff.

Don't post your actual dick.

Don't post any pornography.

Just make it seem like you earnestly thought this was the subreddit for baby dick guys.

Now that the small dick problem subreddit is privated.

Oh, is it private?

Well, they made it private because I made the mistake of trying to, in good faith, read some of those posts.

Oh, I remember that.

We did that episode.

And they got bombarded.

Fuck the cat.

And then derisively laugh at that.

Oh, dude, that was a fun episode, actually.

Dude, I mean, that subreddit is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

I know.

That was one of the best episodes.

Those poor guys.

5'7, fat thighs, and a 4x4 hose.

I mean, it's like truly cellar door-level prosody.

Yeah, that's unbelievable.

That's a better sentence than Shakespeare's in the world.

The way that rolls from your soul to your tongue

is truly beautiful.

It's really nice.

5-7 fat thighs.

Fat thighs brings it all together.

Well, 5'7, fat thighs,

the alliteration alliteration and the way in which both words

sort of like

they, what's it called in music when, well, I don't know the theory term.

Trombaggio.

No, yeah,

the trombaggio of the two.

Well, there's that, there's, what's it, 5'5 with brown eyes is that song.

5'5 short.

5'5 Fat Thighs.

Yeah.

5'5 5'5's like a harmonic tension created.

It sounds like it's then released by then

4x4 hose.

5'7 fat thighs.

5'7 fat thighs.

5'7 fat thighs with a 4x4 hose.

What do you mean, 4x4?

Does he mean 4 inches wide?

Like 4 inches wide is a good size.

That's a good idea.

I mean, he's fucking up the walls, you know?

That guy's got a little chode.

Yeah, but he's describing a post-it note.

That's the shape of a dick.

It's too depositing.

Yeah, but I'm sure plenty of women would like to sit on a fat little choad and flick their meme.

Some shallow shadows.

He just has to find the right type of bitch.

Yeah, shallow type of bitch.

Well, good luck to that guy.

That's what that song from The Star is Born was about.

In the shallows.

It's about a bitch.

A small bitch with a shallow pussy.

Yeah, you got a small dick and you finally found a shallow type of...

I love bumping up against a shallow pussy.

Oh, my God.

makes me feel awesome makes me feel like Lexington Steel

I'm in the shallow end

with my little ass dick that song is mad good

yeah dude it's a good movie

my dick is tiny

it's a good ass movie and fucking Andrew Dice Clay is in it.

What more do you need to know?

He's a great actor.

He's a good actor.

He's like a crazy actor.

He's one of the best actors.

The Dice Man, dude.

Oh, I'm fucking gay over here.

Dude, that's the dream guest for this podcast.

We got your dice clay.

We got to get him once.

Got to get the dice man.

I don't think he'd roll one.

We haven't had, you know, maybe that's what was keeping the show going.

It was one celebrity guest a year.

We should shoot for once.

Oh, yeah.

We had Davy Cross right off the rip.

Sandra Bullock, but then that kind of fell through.

Wait, Sandra Bullock.

Well, we lost the file.

I was like, I'm tired of your pussy, bitch.

Yeah.

And she was like, can I please do the show?

Begging on her knees.

And I was like, bring Monster Garage back.

Then we can talk.

I'm trying to talk about it.

Then we can talk about it, bitch.

Really?

Unless I see your husband turning an ice cream truck into a fucking

into a disco

until it's a mobile disco teca

vis-à-vis ice cream.

We should get Terrence Howard.

Yeah.

Ask him about his tiny ass dick.

Yeah.

And he's like, what are you talking about?

My dick isn't small.

Everybody knows you got a small dick.

My dick isn't small.

My dick isn't small.

I'm black.

And they're like,

all right, Terrence, let's see.

Terrence.

Yeah, all right, Terrence.

We all know you're lying.

Well, let's go ahead and play the clip.

Come on, man.

Don't do that.

That's trick photography.

The director did that.

He photoshopped me because I fucked his wife.

Whoa.

His wife, and this is me turning to the camera, Sandra Bullock.

Would you believe it?

And his wife was Sandra Bullock.

And that man's wife was Albert Einstein.

There's a teacher in class, and he says,

this is a very rowdy class.

A professor walks in and the students are making noise and they don't pay attention to him walking in and he picks up his computer, his laptop, and he smashes it against the blackboard.

There's a drop of the hat and he's like, oh, I got your attention.

I want to tell you about a student that was in this class a couple years ago.

And she wasn't,

you know, she struggled to pick up the material.

She was like, you guys kind of unfocus.

And she thought she couldn't do it.

And she came to my office, it was near the end of the semester, and she had blown her shot at getting whatever grade point average she needed to continue her scholarship here.

And she said, What?

Like, I don't, I just don't get it.

I don't get it.

I don't know if I'm capable of doing this, but like, you know, how can I get a better grade?

Because she's part of this entitlement generation thing.

That's right.

If you just show up, that you deserve an A.

Well, that's not how it works.

And I started a relationship with that girl.

And I was having sex with her, and she got her A, and I got mine.

And that girl's name was Sandra Bullock.

Just lying.

Just bragging to kids.

The rapes.

Sandra Bullock when she was a child.

But the professor at the end is like turning to a camera.

He's like,

okay, today's lesson where, oh, I destroyed my laptop.

Class dismissed.

Class dismissed.

But I think we all learned an important lesson.

Which is that I fucked Sandra Bullock.

Which is that I fucked Sandra Bullock as a child.

As a quid pro quo for an A to give her an A.

Damn.

Well, that's an interesting story about Sandra Bullock, everyone.

And enjoy that.

Enjoy your week.

Come see me in Cleveland this time.

Check out Come.town.

And check out the Patreon to hear the rest of the conversation that led up to

this.

You might want to skip that.

This problem works because there's a lot of stuff that's not funny to you.

If you listen to this, you're like, this show is now just evolved into quote-unquote so random comedy.

And it's being done sincerely rather than ironically.

Now it's just as bad as everything that...

Adam stood against when he created the show.

Right.

Executive producer and creator Adam Travis.

He'd become what I hated most.

It was creative vision for the show when he started the show the first season before Maine Stob joined after.

Right.

After Tony Braxton and

Lance Reddick.

Lance Reddick.

Yeah.

It was Adam, Tony Braxton and and Lancer Reddick.

Yeah, it was the original past.

How many episodes did you guys do?

We called ourselves the not ready for primetime players.

How many episodes did you guys do?

It's about, I think we did three seasons.

We have 150 episodes each season.

That's so much more.

Yeah.

And we had a much bigger audience.

Yeah.

Lance Reddick is like, you know, he's like, what if Dennis Blunden from head of the class was gay?

I wonder how that would be.

Tony Bracks is just singing her own songs with Dick, you know.

Yeah, she's with, but it's gay.

Unsuck my dick.

Yeah, that was actually a Tony original.

Unsuck my dick.

Say I'm not gay again.

All right, wow, damn, we did way too much.

No, we'll take this.

We'll do the next two will be shorter.

We'll do a 30-minute episode next.

All right, bye.

I can't believe it.

We got to have a timer.

This can't happen.

I will set a timer from now on.

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