Ep. 279 – winding down

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Cuntalini, Cuntalini.

Cantalini, Zakma De.

Hello, everyone.

Welcome to Come Town.

Welcome to Come Town.

Is your mic on?

My mic is on.

No, Adam took the first mic for himself.

Well, it's the closest to where I'm sitting.

Oh,

wow.

It's the closest to where he's sitting.

Wow.

Well, I just wanted to set it up so that

the cords had as much slack as you can.

You can see, look at this.

This certainly looks like it worked out where the cords are definitely not tangled.

Sorry, guys, this is not going to be a good episode because Adam said he had a surprise for us.

Yeah, he was going to go get some surprise.

And we thought it was going to be lunch.

Well, I said it was a treat.

Well, how about no more surprises?

And I said, Stav, are you eating treats these days?

You just said you could have

not Stav has diabetes.

The thing is, why did you feel the need to get it originally?

Explained to everyone.

Because I had it the other day.

I said the boys.

No, no.

And I thought to myself that the boys would like these donuts.

No, no, no.

I did.

No, don't turn it.

Don't change your tune.

What tune?

What's the reason you decided we should get a treat today

what are you atoning for i'm not i'm not atoning for anything okay you understand people are gunning

what adams premium what adams on sunday yeah adam's tune is uh a little

the cartoon of um

not the you know when they go to the lobby in the movie theater

but imagine it's like it's a bank and then there's like uh it's a cartoon like nickels and stuff like that yeah that's his tune tune.

What are you talking about?

Like, you know, if you go.

Yeah, you know, you're going to go to the movie theater and they play that thing.

Imagine if you go to the bank, and before you can, you know, you're waiting in line, they play a little video.

That'd be cool.

And it's all the money and it's

Adams, too.

That's Adams, too.

Like a roller coaster.

Shut up.

You already apologized.

So do it on the main episode at the beginning of the apologize for everyone.

I can hear you.

Apologize to the listeners.

Listen, we.

For what?

You know what?

Apologize for what?

Oh, for, yeah.

Well,

come on.

Can we not settle these things?

I'm trying to settle.

See, here's the thing.

I'm trying to settle.

You got into a big fight.

Like gentlemen.

I want to get away from the family.

But you tried to bury it at the end of the premium Sunday.

We agreed we were kids.

I was just trying to eat today so that I could watch a doll go.

Yeah.

And

I guess we could watch a doll go in your ass.

A doll.

Yeah, a little Chucky doll.

I would love to watch that.

That's going into Adam's

Adam, the thing is, I want you, right now on primetime,

beginning of the free episode,

I want you to say why you got us treats.

Because I thought the boys would like these donuts when I had these donuts.

Oh, no, no.

No, I legitimately had that thought.

Why, though?

What did you mess up?

What have you finally admitted was a mistake and you feel very bad about?

Talking about the breakfast sandwich.

The breakfast sandwich.

Yeah.

And

I felt like I was defiant, and I was being a bad friend.

Thank you.

And I appreciate that.

And I don't mean had a one-track mind.

Now, here's the problem.

I wasn't thinking about it.

We're starving because we don't eat.

We're starving.

We just, we fucking don't.

I don't eat for days before the show because I'd like to.

The first one.

Steep hungry.

Carbo load.

I like to be fresh.

You know, you get kind of in it.

My senses are sharp.

But then for the afternoon, the regular episode, it's Adam's job to go get lunch.

And

it's Adam's job to go get lunch.

You're telling lies.

It's Adam's job to go get lunch.

And then

he comes back and he's got a box of donuts.

Right.

I said, I'm not eating that.

I got to go get a fucking sandwich.

And then I, you know, it's like, okay, well, everyone's eating the donuts.

And they're pretty good.

I'm not going to say that.

They're great donuts.

And I appreciate the thought and the gesture of atonement yet again.

And they are very he's not thinking about the reason you go get lunch is so we have the fuel fuel for the second episode.

I do.

Imagine you're the dietitian.

And I will say, I don't view friendship as a balance sheet.

I wasn't doing that because I had a negative two weeks ago.

I did it because I had the donuts.

A few days ago, and I said, the boys.

Imagine you do.

Imagine I don't.

You're the legendary I don't.

You're the team nutritionist.

I definitely don't.

For the Denver Broncos.

Yeah.

And it's the night before the Super Bowl.

Right.

And you go and you're like, well, we've got to fuel up.

I'm going to go get a bunch of doughnuts.

No.

Because now we're going to be crashing from sugar.

Right.

John Elway's gay now.

He's gay.

He's a fan.

He's got sugar in his blood.

He's a wee black guy.

He had too much of that.

He's got too much doughnuts now.

Now

he's sucking cock.

He's sucking Terrell Davis' cock.

Giving him a migraine.

It's so good.

Yeah.

And that's what you did to me.

I'm okay.

I just thought.

And by the way, Adam, here's the thing.

Not the gay stuff.

I'm just sleeping.

No, you did do the gay stuff.

No, I'm just sleeping.

You did suck his cock, and you loved it.

Nick was smiling the whole time.

I'm smiling because I'm thinking about how funny it would be if I did something like that.

You know, you were smiling because it felt good to get it.

That is what I was coming up.

I was doing so random comedy.

And that's why I said it would be random.

Yeah, it's not gay if you're getting sucked off with an Invader Zim hoodie on because you're just being random.

That's true.

The point is, here's the thing, Adam.

Okay.

People will listen to

the episode

where you basically said these treats were a quid pro quo for the Sands.

I was reminded.

Yeah,

so don't.

That's good.

Don't come up here pretending like it wasn't for that, which is fine.

I think that's a nice gesture.

You make a mistake, you come through,

you have a little dick, you give your girlfriend flowers, which is something, you know, that kind of thing.

Constantly.

The flowers,

yeah.

The flower budget.

But I will.

I'm going to take flowers flowers for Algernon.

Yeah.

That's about a guy who's got a small dick.

He's got his retard girlfriend flowers constantly.

Because she's used to retarded guys.

Yeah.

With humongous retard.

You think a guy that

somebody people may know who fucks retar?

No, no, no, no.

You think he's ever like

a lot of retarded guys.

I don't think

he's like, yeah, but I like your personality.

It's very funny.

I don't.

Yeah, I know it is, you fucking cocksucker.

Coming in.

What are you fucking Chinese?

Oh, now you're going to preempt the what are you Chinese?

You're going to try and beat the Chinese.

You want to be the one.

You want to be the one to be on the record

to have been the first one to say, what are you Chinese?

In my mind.

The thing that you were not involved with at all.

In the slightest.

In my mind.

It was a two-way street over here.

In my mind.

And then we said, let's do that.

The whole episode.

Yeah.

And then you

you are coming in the YouTube first in the comments.

You did do that.

Yeah.

Okay, but let me say this, Adam.

I appreciate the gesture.

The donuts were delicious.

However,

given that it is lunchtime and given that you're making up for missing a meal.

You could have at least got a bunch of chicken nuggets from McDonald's.

I think both me and Nick were expecting lunch.

I said I wasn't going to get sandwiches.

I was going to get treats.

You never said.

Yes, I did.

I said, are you eating treats?

I thought that, you know what I was thinking?

Honestly, I think, and I think I speak for everybody here.

You're talking about cornbread as part of a larger barbecue order.

There's treats that were going to be involved.

See, I thought it wasn't going to be a breakfast sandwich.

I thought we were looking at it.

Can I tell you what I actually, in the back of my head, was kind of thinking?

Yeah.

You remember how he was mentioning really good breakfast burritos?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Part of me was thinking, well, this is the time

that it is closed on Mondays.

I didn't know.

What do I keep track of everything you've ever told me?

Nobody listens to you.

What are you talking about?

Nobody listens to to you.

What about the fourth man, the audience?

The fourth member of our

cohort or whatever.

They hang on every time.

I'm just saying, I don't think it would have been out of bounds for you to come back here with a bag of chicken tenders.

Okay.

Well, next week, man.

And then you said, do you want an iced tea or a coffee or something?

If I had known we're getting donuts, I would have said coffee.

Classic combination.

Well, I said, I think I have.

I'm thinking I need something to wash down my lunch with.

So I said do you want to come with me in the car?

But like you said, it was your surprise.

So if it was a surprise, I couldn't say that it was donuts.

I wanted to thrill you.

You know what I'm saying?

I wanted to excite you.

You find out it was free donut.

It wasn't free donut day.

And don't call it.

Or that it was like a chicken.

They had like fried chicken there.

Do they have anything savory there?

No, they just have drinks and donuts.

What's the place called?

Don't just come on.

What's the place called?

Adam, get the little wire so we can add him telling on wire so don't call another what is the place called

you can tell me actually I think I remember yeah I told you

get the wire out so you can plug the phone in where's the wire now I think I took it out I think I took it out already

I think I took it out already he says as she pulls it out here you are and plug it in no

I won't be spoken to that way anymore plug it in yourself no I I won't be spoken to that way anymore.

Suck my dick.

No.

That's sexual horizon.

Oh, my dick is being sucked.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

Speaking clearly,

speaking clearly, there's no

dick's dick is so small.

Because my dick is.

Oh, wait.

All right, all right.

I'll give him this.

They don't have anything.

No, they don't.

You got to call them up.

No, no, they don't.

Don't call them.

All right, then I'll call them.

I'll call them up.

Give me a.

But we can't.

We can.

fuck is my phone.

Oh my god, did I look?

I'm gonna do the thing women do.

Well, my phone's gone.

I lost it.

I lost it.

It's lost.

I must have left it at the girls' night.

Guys do that too.

My phone is gone.

And my debit card's gone too.

And it's all.

Yeah, I will say

you were pretty close to a KFC.

Yeah.

Well, I was going to just Google a chicken place and call them up Manassabad from the swings.

Also, something called.

Well, look, it's okay.

I appreciate the donuts, but

just want to let everyone know if we run out of steam, it's because we crashed.

I did too much sugar.

We sugar crashed.

Really stupid.

Really, really poorly thought.

Thought out by you.

Okay.

Inconsiderate.

A piece of chicken would have been nice.

A piece of fried chicken would have been nice.

I had to eat a bunch of rotisserie chicken before this started.

So go have some of nick's rotisserie chicken i don't want his rotisserie it's fucking three day old rotisserie chicken it's disgusting it's disgusting

i what part of i had to didn't even you painted him into a corner i'm sorry dude and now you're calling me disgusting in my own we were here kind of waiting for lunch you know yeah being like i'm i was thinking i was i you know what i have pretty low expectations i was like he's going to blimpy

I figured they don't even have blimpies.

That would have been good.

I would have enjoyed blimpy.

They would have found a way.

And I said, he's going to find a way to go to the even more pedophile

sandwich restaurant.

Is Blimpy pedophile?

It's more than Subway?

Yeah.

They got into a big lawsuit over that when they found out Subway Jared was raping children.

They were like, that's copyright information because that's our thing.

That's sort of the blimpy way, is going up into the clouds and fucking.

Remember the Quiznos when they set the world on fire with those little

subs?

People thought Quiznos was really going to take over.

They had a minute, though, off the strength of that ad alone.

I had a roommate in college who said he wanted to drop out of college and start a Quiznos franchise because Quiznos was the future.

I ate a Quiznos a couple times, and I was like,

No,

let me tell you this.

They heat the sandwich.

Let me tell you this.

So does soap in that weird little half-microwave, half-oven.

That thing's weird.

I'm going to tell you something.

Yeah, please do.

The chicken Carbonara sandwich there.

They got a chicken carbonara sandwich.

It's very good.

It's very good, and you eat it, and you're like, what the hell is it?

What do you got back there, bro?

What the fuck is back there?

It's creamy.

It's bacon.

Who's making these sandwiches back there?

What do you got back there?

You got some kind of fucking Chinese guy back there.

I was just trying to bait Adam

into doing it first.

Trying to let him once again.

I was just trying to have fun with it.

There's some kind of fucking Chinese guy back there.

You got a fucking Chinese guy.

What the hell is this?

What is this?

Some kind of Chinese delicacy.

Chinese thing you got.

Oh, brother.

Well, where is a Quiznos around here?

Is it open?

They don't have any.

Is Quiznos done?

I feel like it's regional.

I feel like there used to be a Quiznos on every corner.

There was one in Canton.

They really peaked.

Yeah, I used to go to the one next to

we call the Club H-E-B, but the H-E-B,

right off, like, thirty-five, like, just north of Hyde Park, or I guess in Hyde Park.

Dude, this is there's nothing but Quiznos for the graveyard.

There was a Quiznos over there.

There was a

Free Bird Burrito.

Nice.

It's crossing the Goodyear

auto place.

And then

it shows you all the permanently closed Quiznos.

H-E-B.

It's gonna be a ton in New York.

A big liquor store.

Folks, let me tell you something.

They had a Sears.

Wow.

A Jack in the Box and one of those, I think it wasn't called Wohop.

It was one of those.

In the South, they have like chain.

It's not just Panda Express.

They got a lot of other chain Chinese.

Yeah, they got like Ching Chang's like

Asian

karate bowl or whatever.

They have like Panda Golden Dragon.

Yeah, they have like the Panera tier of Chinese bullshit.

But it's regional.

Yeah, it's like Wei Ding, Wei Ping.

You know, it'll be like a chain of like places where you like just point at the meat and then some

like.

I hate that kind of shit.

Yeah.

I don't like that level of stuff.

I want the bulletproof shit.

Yeah.

I like Panda Express.

I think it's a good thing.

Okay, so the closest quiz though is to us is Long Island?

Woodrow Wilson Travel Plaza

in Trenton, New Jersey.

That's far.

Well, they said get them out of the city.

They don't want to do that.

I think they did.

There's also one at Stewart International Airport.

He said it's not Italian food?

Italian

pizza?

Should only be on the turnpike.

There's one at University of Delaware.

That's where I got my penis removed.

I think the new female governor is him.

With her cock chopped off in a dress.

I don't believe that that's not Andrew Cuomo.

Does she talk like that, too?

Watch a video and tell me that's not just a moment.

I've never heard Hokle talk.

There's one in you, Baltimore Travel Places.

It's me, a different bitch.

I'm a bitch now.

I'm a bitch.

Oh, there's one in Towson, Maryland.

Damn, okay.

It's Rock Raven.

Yeah, I mean, mean, of course, why wouldn't there?

If there's a Quiznos anywhere, it's in Towson.

Towson.

Oh, they got one at BWI.

Quiznos seems to really be holding down the airport market.

Airports and travel plazas.

That's what Brookstone is now.

It's just a place to...

It's like an airport thing.

To buy a fucking massager at the airport.

Brookstone really was the future.

Dude, they were the pinnacle, dude.

I felt like George Jetson going in there.

Yeah, when I would go in there and I'd be like, dude, someday I'm going to have a fucking hammock and a grill that's also a clock.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'm a fucking robot.

I want to be happy, dude.

I'm going to be a businessman.

Oh, yeah.

I used to get kicked out of the massage chairs with my friend.

Because you were coming in your pants.

No, because they said we were kids and we weren't going to buy the massage chair.

And I said, I own a passage.

I'm Jewish.

My family is Jewish.

You lost another customer.

Yeah.

Maybe when I'm older, I'll be a successful businessman and I'll buy this massage.

My family family owns the synagogue and we have lots and lots of money.

That's not true.

You know that's not true.

We're going to buy the chair.

How much money do you make owning a synagogue?

I don't know if you can own it.

Highly likely.

I don't know if you can own it.

It's probably a fucking cash cow.

Probably.

I mean, it's a religious organization, so they don't pay tax.

Exactly.

I was thinking about having.

You can charge for Hebrews.

I was thinking about having a bar mitzvah for myself this year up at Bear Mountain.

That's awesome.

Just get the rent out the reception hall and then, you know, but like do the Torah portion and everything.

And the theme of my bar mitzvah is going to be the entertainment industry.

That's cool.

So I'm going to invite like managers and agents that don't talk to me anymore.

Yeah.

And they're all going to be there.

I'm not going to tell any of them I'm having a bar mitzvah.

But then they show up and I'm doing the reading.

I got the rabbi there.

Right.

And then I just say, like, oh, you didn't know I was Jewish?

Yeah.

Yeah.

In that voice.

Oh, no.

I've been Jewish the whole time.

It's your return to show, but

yeah.

No, it's the the theme is entertainment industry.

I thought, of course, I had to invite you.

Oh, the things I said, they were, you know, I mean, offensive, yeah, but it's part of, you know, satire.

That's entertainment, baby.

Listen.

It would be awesome because

that would literally help your career, Joe.

It would.

Yeah, that definitely would.

It would, yeah.

If I invited a bunch of managers and agents to Bear Mountain,

first of all, no one would show up.

Right.

It's too far.

It's too far.

You got to do something closer.

Maybe that, well, I really wanted to rent out Bear Mountain, get rooms for everybody, just drop like $15,000.

That sounds awesome, dude.

Rent out the whole for two days.

Did you have a carving station?

Yeah,

I would go.

First of all, I would rent the entire lodge for two nights.

That's awesome.

So all the rooms, and then, yeah, just get everybody from Mosaic in there.

And then, yeah,

I do the thing.

And then we have, you know, we have, you know, it's just like we got a DJ wearing like a big, like a top, like a fuzzy top mat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Blow things for the shit remix.

Like raising the roof.

Raising the roof.

Motivational dancers.

Yeah, this sort of thing.

The rich kids used to get hot chicks to like dance for the kids.

Like motivate the kids.

Dancers?

They get like

a little motivated motivational dancers.

Do you think anyone ever got their son a prostitute for his bombs?

1,000%.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

1,000%.

Adam's dad's still doing that to this day.

What do you mean?

Except

now they're prostitute girlfriends.

Oh, really?

Are you serious?

Adam has a woman that's paid to pretend to be prostituted.

Is that real?

Yeah.

I didn't know your dad had money like that, dude.

Yeah, she charges by the paper.

Well, I actually pay for it.

It's the only way we can get him to do the show.

Oh, I see.

Yeah.

Nick's pretty.

That's when Adam gets his fucking salary in, his girlfriend.

The thing is, people don't know this, but but there used to be the third guy on the show was a black guy.

Oh, really?

And one time I was about to do a joke, and he riffed, and it crushed.

And

I pulled him aside after the show, and I had to feed him to pigs.

Wooz pigs.

Yeah.

I had to feed him to a bunch.

Unfortunately, I had to

feed that.

Yeah.

I had death by pigs for that man.

Oh, you didn't feed me.

Because he crushed harder than you?

No one is allowed.

So

then you thought, let's get Adam in the mix.

I said, let's get that guy we hang out with.

Or I hang out with because he's my neighbor.

And the only reason is because we're neighbors.

Yeah, we're neighbors.

Well, don't you suck my penis.

I promise.

I'll never suck my pussy.

I'll never kill.

You will, dude.

I'll never kill.

You will.

One day.

One day, dude.

One day you'll know what that's like.

Well, when Nick's not here, it's...

Adam actually did really well on the premium premium episode this week.

What are you going to say?com.

Oh, thank you.

He did.

That was a great episode.

Yeah, Adam told a really funny story.

Adam crushed it top to bottom.

Really good.

And then he also used the N-word.

So if you're watching it.

A lot.

Which is going to be edited out in the YouTube version, obviously.

But not on the page.

Yeah, on the YouTube version that someone steals you.

You can go to Monica.

On patreon.com slash Cometown, you can hear the uncensored Adam saying the N-word blackmail clip

that you can then download yourself.

Isn't that already out there?

And use as a ringtone on your phone.

Adams dropped it.

Also, this week.

No, we had to edit it out.

Remember when he did it?

He was like, joining us.

Oh, that was really fun.

What was that that he was trying to do?

Like a commercial for like an Exterminator?

He just got so excited to go into a character.

It was totally.

And he did not need the N-word at all.

Anyway, just a hard R.

This weekend.

And then fucking being like, you gotta to edit that.

This weekend, I'm in Nashville with Mike Racine, October 1st and 2nd.

And we are at the Third Coast Comedy Club.

Love that.

Next week, I thought Texas was the Third Coast.

Next week, I'm in Cleveland at Hilarities, the 7th through the 9th.

Then Phoenix, the 14th through the 16th, Madison, 21st through the 23rd.

Then later in December, we got Detroit, Columbus, New Orleans, Tampa, Boston.

Go to stabby.biz slash motherfucking tour and come see me live.

The show's been a lot of fun.

Fantastic.

Do we have regular reads also?

Eventually, what time is it?

We've only been doing about...

Oh, oh, never mind.

Mybookie.com is a place where a kid can be a kid.

Myboogie.com is where your kid can get sucked off by.

The thing I love about myboogie.com is it's actually mybookie.ag.

AG, of course, standing for some kind of, I think it's a

Swiss

legal entity.

Yep.

Which means you can't sue them if they

not that they would, but they never will.

They're a really trustworthy ass motherfucker.

In the event they mess up.

Yeah, in case they have what we call in this business, pull a crucial atom.

Adam, why don't you tell us a little bit about

mybookie.ag.

Well, the football season is back.

It's back.

And by the way, shout out to the Baltimore Ravens.

Justin Tucker, the greatest kicker of all time, doinks in a 66-yarder to send the fucking Detroit Lions packing at their own home.

Suck this fucking purple and black cock with feathers on its nuts, you fucking Detroit pieces of shit.

But please buy tickets to see me.

Can you give me my phone?

Yeah, Nick, you have the proper coffee.

You have to shut your mouth.

Okay

So just do it.

I don't know

this no because I gotta forward it to Adam

so hold on I'll be back

But in the meantime Adam just guess what it is

Okay, am I sitting on it

What the fuck is the fucking are we out of donuts?

Damn.

We're out of donuts.

Fuck.

I got six for we get up six not enough, bro.

What do you mean?

Two each.

That's nice.

In the stead of lunch?

It's not instead of lunch.

It was for a sweet treat between.

Come on, you know it's instead of fucking lunch.

I'm over here licking the fucking paper like an animal.

Where the fuck?

It sounds like it's in the car.

Sitting on it.

Where the fuck is it?

Maybe it's

damn I just stood up

my head hurts from all the sugars?

Oh, maybe.

No

sounds like it's coming from should I call you?

No, it's not coming

Is it under the couch?

Oh look

We'll be back in a second.

We're looking for Nick's phone.

Yeah, you can hear, you can probably hear his

find my phone noise.

Any moment now, folks, we will be finding Nick's phone.

Ah, there it is.

It was in the couch cushions.

Oh, you're looking on the knife.

I'm licking the knife we used to cut the donuts with.

Alright, here we go.

So we're going to go to my email.

And then

we got a message here from Mr.

Roy.

Mr.

Roy

from Parlay Media.

Let's see, Roy.

Can you send it to my regular email?

I think nine donuts would have actually been appropriate.

Nine donuts seems like that's the number.

It's a lunch replacement.

It's a lunch replacement.

And we probably eat the six at first, but right now,

after the first six have worn off,

one each more would have been just what the doctor ordered.

Yeah.

But hey, I appreciate it, and thank you.

You know, you wake up and you try.

I said thank you.

Yeah.

No, because they sent us updated.

There's stuff they wanted wanted to

want me to talk about.

Aaron Rodgers had a thriller.

Oh, in Sunday Night Football?

Sunday Night Football.

The Raiders are back.

Sorry, it's not Roy.

It's Joey.

What the fuck happened to Roy?

Roy's dead, dude.

No.

You know what?

Oh, man, he's going to...

Because he listens to the show.

I forgot that Joey and Roy are two different guys.

He's going to have pissed off.

Well, they're both Canadian, so you talk to them on their phone, and they're like, you know.

Hey, I'm fucking.

Hey,

I'm a different guy.

Like the other guy.

I'm the fucking other guy.

Me and the other guy.

Me and the other guy are guys with each other.

You got Joey's and Roy's.

My bookie promotional talking points.

Adam, I'll hold my phone up and you can read it from there.

Just

you insisted on having glasses.

I'm across the room.

Mister, I have glasses.

But look at me and my glasses.

I can

see everything.

I need them.

And I can't read it from there.

I can't read it.

Try your best.

Try harder.

My bookie.

I bet

you're lying.

At mybookie.ag.

Points 92821.

Here we go.

I can't, dude.

Get a little closer.

Yeah, you're reading like a girl right now.

What do you mean I'm reading like a girl?

With the way your eyes are moving.

That's a girl thing.

No, you're like, sit on the edge.

You look like you're looking at a picture.

Pass me the phone.

This Saturday, there will be blood.

I guess I have to do it myself.

Just pass me the phone, I'll do it.

You know, you're going to fucking, you're going to get, your fingers are covered in donut goo.

You're going to get goo all over.

It's going to be goo everywhere.

It's going to be goo everywhere.

It's going to be like, who the hell was touching this phone?

Was it a Chinese guy?

Was this Chinese phone?

Head to mybookie.ag and get in on the UFC first blood promotion.

When any fighter on the main card bleeds, you win.

Really?

Yeah, so it sounds like if you go on my bookie

once a month in Adam's house or at Adam's pants.

In Adam's cock, right under his cock.

Yeah, and Adam's got a pussy.

If you bet on Adam's crotch once a month at mybookie.ag, it sounds like you're going to win.

Yeah.

Because he's on his period.

He gets on his period.

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Nick Diaz has bled in three of his last four fights.

I think that fight happened.

Yeah, I think it was on Saturday, yeah.

And Robbie Lawler is a leaky faucet, so you know by the end of his five-round rematch, blood will be spilled.

Who won that?

I think Lawler did.

Walter?

Yeah, Robbie Lawler won.

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you know, reading and then also thinking about my fucking boyfriend or posting pictures of the reading on Instagram or being like, oh, I love literature.

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What kind of socks are those, Adam?

Why are you wearing them inside out?

I don't know.

I just put them inside.

Oh, it looks like he wanted to do something fucking wacky and different.

What kind are they?

Nike, I think.

Nike.

Why is it so much black?

I don't know.

It's a supreme.

No, he got supreme.

Oh, okay, those are nice.

Those are cute.

You should have worn them outside.

It wasn't deliberate.

I wasn't being a manic pixie dream.

I think you were.

No, I wasn't.

Why would you wear them upside down?

I'm not a manic pixie, dude.

I wasn't doing that for attention.

I'm a manic kluxie clan girl.

My dream is to date a manic kluxie clan girl.

And that's

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truly spotless mind.

and if that's not all if you deposit now you'll get a free entry into my bookies fifty thousand dollar nfl survival wow wow fuck

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man i would love to win fifty thousand dollars that'd be awesome can you imagine how crazy that would be life-changing yeah

you finally start that quiz nose yeah you you know how much money you need to open a quiz nose you probably need to probably a million dollars more than that probably probably about two million are you serious And startup costs, yeah.

For a fucking quiz that's expensive to start a franchise, yeah.

Shit.

It costs $100,000 to open a fucking Redbox.

What?

Yeah.

The vending machine?

Yeah,

everything is expensive.

A fucking Red Box?

That's why it's funny.

All these financial advice blogs are like, why don't you just open a McDonald's?

It's like, oh, are you out of college?

Don't want to work for somebody else.

Open a fucking McDonald's.

Maybe you could just

own Microsoft.

Shaq O'Neill has a lot of

wing stops.

Yeah.

Does he?

A lot of

black celebrities bought wing stops.

Rick Ross, I think, is one of the main investors.

Yeah.

I would be in on Wing Stop.

The Steve Urkel guy.

That's a double deposit bonus, free money on UFC.

Jalil White?

And a free shot at $50,000.

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You're going to say,

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A Chinese guy.

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Is a Chinese guy programming this?

Is my dick too small to go to the bathroom?

You'll have questions like that.

Is my dick too penny?

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You can bet on all of them.

You can bet.

Yes, my dick is too small.

Georgia man, 25, undergoes double lung transplant due to COVID-19.

Damn.

That's gay.

It just ate away my lungs, Blake Bargatzi said.

Nate Bargatzi.

Blake Bargatzi is Nate's alter ego.

Wow.

His lungless alter ego.

Damn, double.

Where do you even get two lungs?

I'm dead.

Some body motherfucker with nice lungs.

Why does he need two?

To swim.

Yeah, you can get by on one, right?

Yeah, you don't need that.

Like when they do a kidney transplant, they don't give you two new kidneys.

You just get one of them.

Maybe Blake's rich.

Got two.

Maybe he wants to smoke fucking dabs.

Yeah, maybe he needs to take the biggest rips ever.

That's a real fucking serious possibility.

That's true.

I'm getting sleepy off these fucking donuts.

I'm sorry about that.

Sorry, a little protein might have been able to carry me better, but it's no big deal.

He did wear a mask.

Once I got in there,

there's just way too many, and I got really hot, and I took it off.

Damn, this is wild.

Just so, just so you guys can, we're going to play it back.

We're going to run this back so you guys can take this all in.

Yeah, it's crazy.

In March of 2021, let's just stop that here.

March of 2021.

Think about that.

That's what?

That's a couple of months ago.

That's four or five months ago.

Yeah.

Let's get back to it.

Bro, Blake Bargettzi went to this concert in Florida where he lived.

What was a concert?

Yeah, what what is a concert, actually?

What is a concert?

That's true.

What the hell is a concert?

I've thought about that a lot, and I think it's usually when guys play music.

Poor girls.

I don't even know in this day and age who's going to stuff anymore.

Yeah.

You see, they just had this thing, they they call it Lollapalooza in in Chicago.

Chicago.

Yeah.

California, Chicago.

Very similar.

Cali, Chicala, Chicago.

Chicago.

Cala, Chicago.

Chicago.

Cala, Chicago.

Chicago.

You can see why many people would be confused

between the betwixt

the two.

I always call them the two.

California, Chicago?

Yes.

I say that.

I've said it's I see people and I say it's been a while since I've visited the two.

The two.

I love going to Chicago, popping over to Cali for a little fucking burrito for dinner.

I love it.

Ah,

I see you will be summering in the two.

The two, baby.

Yeah.

Hitting up Lake Michigan Beach.

Yeah.

Or Laguna.

Or Laguna Beach.

Or Malibu.

Right down the road.

Right down the road.

And

so I guess this guy, he's from Chicago.

And he was at Lollapalooza.

And let's hear his story.

The crowd would be small.

Like Adam Scott.

That's stupid.

You thought the crowd at Lollapalooza would be small.

This thing is basically, it's like the...

That's the event of the summer.

It's like the 1938 Nuremberg rally.

You know, I mean, it's like that level of kind of event.

Yeah.

That's how excited it is.

It's a you had to be there kind of thing.

That's the kind of enthusiasm and vibe that we're feeling in Lollapalooza this year.

We've got

all these people that are excited to not only see Billie Eilish, but also Mayor Lori Lightfoot.

She's going to be there?

Who's going to be looking like a toddler who stole her dad's suits?

Right, with her boyfriend, Michael Keaton.

They are dating.

And there may have been links.

They're going to be having sex on stage.

Wow.

He did wear a mask.

Once I got in there,

there's just way too many, and I got really hot and I took it off after he was.

So he didn't wear a mask.

Probably wasn't the wisest decision on my part.

His mother, Cheryl Nuclo, was not happy with him.

And when I found out he went to a concert, I was pretty upset about it.

Two days later, Blake was diagnosed with COVID.

I had a really bad headache.

I started getting body aches, and then a day or two after that, I started having a high fever.

Went from 102 to 103 and then up to 104.

April 10th, he was admitted to the hospital where things went downhill quickly.

He had to be intubated, and COVID was damaging his lungs.

His mother had him flown to his native Atlanta, where she lived.

That's where he got the bad news.

Well, I'm sorry, but it seems to me that the real problem here is being from Atlanta and not a lack of vaccination.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

If there's always, because we see a lot of these stories now about unvaccinated people, and they just plug that in and they don't mention whether they're from Atlanta.

From Atlanta, did you go to fucking Lollapalooza?

Right.

Absolutely.

You know, have you spent much time at the two?

At the two.

At El Tu.

The dose.

The dose.

You know, that's the kind of

I'm the kind of guy that likes to do his own research.

Yeah, I get that.

So Atlanta.

I said, let me go ahead and not use the condom with this Asian because I'm

thinking they can get pregnant.

My research says this feels way better than that.

This feels better.

Yeah.

And I'm trying.

That's the research I'm doing.

What feels better?

Condom, no condom.

Professor Emeritus Davao.

Of raw doggery.

Raw dog you.

Raw dog university.

Oh, yeah.

And I'm emeritus now, but I made tenure the hard way.

Getting my dick sucked, fucking pussy fucking ass.

Yeah.

Blue-collar style.

Getting jacked off.

And yeah, have I got my dick sucked with the condoms to

do a control group?

Yeah.

You've done that?

And it sucked.

The condom dick sucked?

I mean, twice in my entire life.

That seems like a sex worker thing.

It's romantic.

I mean, I was like, okay.

I cannot imagine.

There's no way I could get off.

Yeah, well, I was like, all right, I guess if you want to.

And then I was like, all right, let's just fuck because it's just ridiculous.

So you took the condom off and fucked her.

Yeah, exactly.

I was like, yeah.

I know you're into safety, but we should just have.

Yeah, but the pussy's an ideal mechanism.

That's what I call it.

It's a self-clean.

Oh, now the pussy's not self-cleaning.

Now I got to put a condom on.

Everybody, all the rest of my life, I'm hearing the pH balance is the right thing.

It's true.

It cleans itself, but now when my cock is inside, it doesn't that's it stops.

Yeah, I like to have a woman do an acid-base test before I go into the pussy.

Do you like your pussy acidic or basic?

I like it balanced.

I want a little tang.

I like it neutral.

Oh, you like acid?

I want a little acid, a little lime.

Well, the thing is, a guy's asshole is actually self-cleaning.

The pH balance is there's yeast in my ass that keeps it clean,

like a dog's ass.

Yep, yep, that's true.

In a similar way to a dog's ass.

Very similar.

Dogs.

Something are cleaner.

If a baby's pacifier falls in a dog's ass, you can put it right in your baby's mouth.

Oh, absolutely.

You don't have to clean it.

It would be funny to just like a gay guy with a little bonnet on, walking around with a pacifier in his asshole and crying.

Like just sucking his thumb.

That would be awesome.

He's got a pair of

making Maggie stitch.

Exactly, exactly.

He's fucking prolapsing his ass in and out with a pacifier.

If you're gay and you're listening to the show, try that.

Yeah, let us go ahead and try that.

Try that.

Send pictures to Adam.

And give us a call.

No.

704.

We'll send pictures to Nick.

He wants to.

Give him the 90 rock number again.

Send pictures to 704.

704 or

524

476.

No, no, no, no, we won't do it.

That's worse than the address.

All right, let's beep that.

That is at 4140.

Yeah,

there's not enough to phone it.

What?

They got the exchange.

What are they going to do?

Write a program that calls every one of them.

Literally, yes.

What are they going to do?

Call every one of these numbers until

you find your sweetheart.

Super OG is super gambling.

Super Especiosa.

Madam, do us a favor and open the drawer and find the piece of paper that contains the information

so that we can get paid by reading about fucking vapors.

Vapors.

Freedom gives your whole body energy, but for some people it's like coffee for your cock or your vagina.

If you're tired from sex that you've been having, taking super speciosa can energize yourself.

I wish Girls fucked like a god.

That'd be cool.

You think so?

Yeah, and then we could call him up and be like, so what are you up to?

What's up, bitch?

What's going on?

How'd you like the show this week?

How do you feel about the new Israeli prime minister?

Yeah, and more importantly, how big are your tits?

At the UN,

Naftali Bennett says Iran has crossed all the nuclear rails.

Naftali?

Yeah.

It's a pretty cool name, even though he sounds like a bitch.

Yeah.

But Naftali's a pretty cool name.

Kind of Russian sounding.

Yeah, what's up with that?

Yeah, well, Israel's all just white people that moved there five years ago.

That's true.

That's true.

But they have a historic claim to the.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, not the people that have literally entire families.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, no, those people are all.

What are y'all talking about?

Nothing.

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it, dude.

Super speciosa.

Are you an aging millennial, new aches and pains?

Kratom is great for pain relief.

And if you hurt your back, pull a muscle from all that fucking unwind with a glass of kratom tea.

I love that.

When I've pulled my back from fucking, which I have done, actually.

Yeah.

I love kratom tea to fucking solve it.

Damn.

Did you ever get a Charlie horse in your ass while fucking?

Yep.

Yeah.

Brutal how that feels.

It's something you can prevent.

You mean when your boyfriend Charlie fucks your ass?

Is that what you call it, a Nick?

No.

Getting a Charlie horse in your ass.

Yeah, what's about that pain in your ass when you're having sex, Nick?

Charlie.

What's that pain?

It's from being the highest.

From the

water like a fucking girl, dude.

I drink beer.

I drink nothing but diet Dr.

Pepper.

If you're only jerking it and you develop a wrist injury and you need a little extra push to get to Cometown, Super Especiosa's Kratom will get you there.

Kratom is the secret supplement that

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Super

Mexican.

Yes, Addison Ray takes Kratom.

She's doing her little TikTok dances.

Who's the

big bitch that was in the news this week?

London.

Is there a big bitch in the news?

Yeah, there's

she used to Tess Holiday.

Who's that?

You know who she is.

Oh,

one of the big bitches of Instagram.

She's the one, she was like, like when fad acceptance was starting to take off, she was like one of the first big bitches.

But she's bigger, she's like even bigger than most.

And so people were like, okay, well, this is too far.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is what she looks like.

I see, yeah.

Like, that's unhealthy.

That's crazy.

I see what you're saying.

Yeah.

She was something use?

Yeah, something for some reason.

I guess Adam could finish his little read and then we can come back to it.

Kratom helps you write jokes.

I imagine this is why you're so damn funny.

Kratom is a superleaf.

It's a cousin of coffee, but it's just...

She's looking good in my book.

Yeah, what book is that?

The menu from fucking Cheesecake.

Cheesecake Friday.

That's a good book.

Suck my dick.

Show me your tips.

I'm fucking.

Suck my dick, suck my dick.

Super Especially has those Kratom is 100% all natural.

The funniest part about that is she's so big, her tattoos are like...

Stretched.

Well, they're not stretched.

They take up.

You know, like they have.

You could really do that.

She's a portrait of a person that's bigger than her on her arm.

If you're a fucking tattoo artist, that's your canvas right there.

Yeah, you got to charge more for ink.

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Let's now that is fucking awesome.

Yeah,

that's that's that's gonna really

do all those things that they said it was going to do.

I love Kratom, man.

I just slurp it up, put it in my cock.

Yeah.

Oh, this is what I saw.

It was this Daily Mail story about her at Disney World.

I just thought the picture was funny.

What happened to her?

She's just eating a picture.

She's just eating a popsicle, but she's got Mickey Mouse ears on.

Nick, you must have like a Google alert for when a fat person does something embarrassing.

Well, it's just very funny to me.

You You wrote an algorithm.

You know, it was funny.

I was literally in Target weighing my options as far as do I want the giant Toblerone or dark chocolate.

And then I thought to myself, it would be funny if a fat person was doing that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I just imagined a fat person doing exactly what I was doing.

And I'm like, you dummy.

You're a piece of shit.

Not me.

I'm balancing it out with cocaine.

so I can never gain weight because my heart's about to explode.

Yeah,

fuck.

Take that.

Take that, you fucking fatty.

You fat piece of shit.

But

I don't dislike fat people.

I just think it's very funny to be very fat.

Yeah.

You definitely have some kind of...

You dislike seated fat issues.

No, I don't.

From when you were a fat child.

Yeah, you're a former fat Nick.

I know, but

that doesn't mean I hate fat people.

There's something there.

There's something.

You don't hate them, obviously.

No, no.

But

there's an interesting relationship to fat people.

Well, no, I've explained it before, but unless, because, see, you've never not been fat.

Right.

And then when you're not fat anymore, you do notice the difference in the way people treat you.

And that's when you're like,

oh, shit.

Yeah, yeah.

So

if you haven't crossed that barrier,

you're really sort of blind to,

you know.

You could be an ally to the plus size, though, instead of being a traitor.

Imagine for a second how much your life would suck if you weren't funny.

Right.

If you were fat, bald.

Dude, don't even get me.

I'm going to start crying if I think of that.

No,

no, but now

imagine you're not funny, but then also you're 6'3, you have a full head of hair, and you have all your teeth.

Be cool.

Suddenly, none of that other shit matters.

Well, it's gone.

I don't know.

no it does yeah

you would be happy i know what you mean i probably would it'd be an easier life for sure

yeah i guess that's true yeah i've noticed plenty of 6-3 it's honestly you know what the thing is is is being fat and laughing at being fat is is a movement towards like absurdist resignation which is sort of like the key essence to like

the visceral comedy that i guess i feel like everybody there is a visceral comedy to a fat guy like falling or something well a fat guy no like you know what it is like a fat guy like specifically well whatever I mean it doesn't fucking matter I'm not gonna go into comedy theory but the

the uh yeah it it it is a it is very funny no matter where you go in the world people will laugh at that That's true.

I don't think no matter where you go in the world, people would laugh at Seinfeld necessarily.

No, it's a universal humor.

There is a universal humor, that's true.

And I will say, I wouldn't mind if my dick was at popsicle that that fat lady was sucking on that's pretty cool that's the kind of guy i am dude these 18 celebrities have openly discussed having an abortion and here are their stories

and uh so we got stevie nicks

whoop we got

a bitch from uh that 70 show which one

whoopie goldberg oh whoopi goldberg had an abortion like recently Yeah.

I've been nutting inside her for years.

I found out I was pregnant when I was 14.

I didn't get a period.

I talked to nobody.

I panicked.

I sat in hot baths.

I drank these strange.

She didn't get an abortion.

She poisoned herself.

She was trying to boil the fucking embryo out.

I drank these strange concoctions girls told me about.

Something like Johnny Walker Red with a little bit of Clorox.

Jesus Christ, this bitch was drinking bleeding her wrist.

Damn.

fuck that.

Fuck that little ass clump of

get it, get boarded out, dude.

Get that pussy

vacuumed out.

Who else is that?

Chelsea Handler, no surprise.

Chelsea Handler told Playboy she had two abortions at 16 years old.

I'm sure, like at a facility at the white ladies' abortion clinic.

It's very funny to follow up with P.

Goldberg saying, I drank battery acid.

I secretly

poured hot bacon

into my pussy.

Yeah, my family, we had a I was the abortion debutante that year.

Crisis counselor.

Yeah.

I accidentally became pregnant twice with a mixed-race baby.

She seems like white trash, though.

You think she was rich?

I have no idea, but the contrast was

this last one.

Who else?

Poor Whoopee.

Gloria Steinem.

Margaret Cho.

Okay.

Margaret chose.

How about that?

That's true.

Her choice.

Margaret Choice.

I just want a job in the New York post doing headlines.

You would be good at it, man.

Margaret chose.

She had an abortion.

I was doing that other way.

Because

with the Gabby Petito thing, they're like, why aren't we talking about

the Indian.

Right, the Indian van life girl.

And there's a missing Asian girl.

And I said,

World in the world is Jackie Chandiego?

That's pretty good.

The New York Post,

that's really good, man.

That's really good.

Yep, that really works.

Where in the world is Jackie Chandiego?

Just on the cover.

This girl's family.

Where in the world is Jackie Chandiego?

Her name is Laura.

Her name's Lauren Cho, so you could probably even get closer to the Carmen San Diego with Lauren Cho.

It's just, you know, I considered it, and I think it's funnier to go Jackie Chandiego.

Jackie Chan.

Jackie Chandiego.

Chan and San rhyming really is doing most of the heavy lifting there.

Yeah, but that's

really good.

That's the thing, because, see, a lesser mind

would come at me and say, Lauren Cho already sounds like Carmen Sandiego.

You just need to figure out a way to get

Sandy in there.

Right.

Where in the world is Lauren

Sandy A.

Cho?

Okay.

That's way worse.

It is way worse.

Because sometimes it's not about what works technically, but what's with

style and tonal

flourish.

Yeah.

And that's where you get, where in the world is Jackie Jantie.

Which, you know.

Oh, look, all I'm saying, New York Post, give me a job.

They might, dude.

That'd be a good second act for you.

Yeah.

They fucking might, Chief.

Yeah, I'm ready for a little nap.

You didn't find that Jackie Chandiego chick?

Or is she still missing?

Is there an Asian girl missing?

I think they,

I don't know, it's pretty sad, actually, but like a couple of,

like well-intentioned people, they just fucking like got some girl and brought her back to this family's house, and she's in tears and they're just holding her down in the you know, the squad car, and they bring her to the family, and they're like, Yeah, that's not her.

So

you live to learn.

I think they just had the like couple of good Samaritans.

Yeah, they had that

just accept that one sort of case

case cold cold case for

good.

But they meant well.

Yeah.

I mean, and that's it.

She also went missing in the desert and the sand is, you know, kind of the same color.

Always here.

I wouldn't say that at all, actually.

There's so much sun out there, everyone's squinting.

Okay, interesting.

So there's so what you're saying is

a Chinese woman went missing.

And because of the sand, it is the same color as her,

she was impossible to find.

No, no, I didn't say that.

Yahoo News.

Let's go to let's hit the news for the day.

Let's hit the fucking news.

IRS would track all bank transactions over $600 under Biden plan.

What the hell?

Fuck off, Uncle Sam.

That's why I'm a cash-only type.

Cash-only.

I pay for everything with that shit.

Keep it under the mattress.

$600?

That's nothing.

Revolve.

That's a lunch.

How am I supposed to buy pussy with my Chase account?

Sleepy Joe.

Joe Joe over the limit.

Sleepy Joe.

Oh, we're doing

New York Post, Adam.

Stay with it.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

$600.

Biden's and tracking.

So

Biden's books, the budget, ledger.

Ledger.

by

Daddy Biden

tracks the money

malarkey money, which is Sleepy Jomo sexual.

Sleepy Jomo sexual.

Sleepy Jomo sexuals budget buffoonery.

That's good.

All right, next story.

That's really good.

Yes, next.

Sleepy Jomo.

Sleepy Jumo sexuals budget buffoonery.

Yeah.

I love it.

All right, here he goes.

It's a 25-year-old, you get the double lung transplant due to

the COVID-19.

So replacement lungs.

What rhymes with lungs?

Well, not necessarily the rhyme with lungs.

It's just what would be a New York Post headline.

Yeah.

Double could be something.

Um

uh cloud of breath Instagram star loses lungs.

He's an Instagram star?

Well, let's just say we later found out he wasn't an Instagram star.

He's twenty-five.

As Congress delays legislative action, some communities take police reform into their own hands.

Okay.

Stand your ground.

All right, so what what kind of communities are we talking talking about here?

Why are you laughing?

I'm thinking

about maybe they're Chinese.

Yeah, how about Ninja Warrior?

Ninja Gayden

collapsed last week, but as Chris Van Cleve reports, some communities aren't waiting for Congress to act.

Police respond to a suicidal man in June.

He's got a knife outside the train station in Aurora, Illinois.

The officers called for backup from a social worker.

And after about an hour, what could have been deadly ended peacefully?

We're not afraid to try new things.

Keith Cross is Aurora's chief of police.

The 27-year veteran runs the second-largest city police department in Illinois.

So I guess it does work.

Yeah.

We're in the social world, Kerr is

Jackie Chanty.

From the New York Post.

Social work this cock.

Yeah.

Social work the poll.

Social work

the prison.

Rachel Dolezal.

Yeah.

Is in the news this week.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

She's going back to white.

She got COVID.

Rachel Dolezal got COVID.

It's ravaging the black community.

It is.

And

she's having a real rough time with it, and she's saying that proves that she's black.

Oh, because Moderna.

So maybe black after all.

Yeah.

Dozole gets COVID.

Oh, hey,

Reagan shooter John Hinkley wins unconditional release.

Nice.

That's pretty cool.

That's sort of woke news.

Yeah.

It's the guy that shot Reagan.

They're just letting him out of jail.

Why do you do it to impress Nancy Reagan?

Oh, to impress Jodi Foster.

To impress Sandra.

How about this?

Free at last.

Time to get pussy from Jodi Foster.

It was fun.

Hinkley seeks pussy from Jodi Foster.

She's been saving after all these years.

That's why she's gay.

I guess I'll give you a game.

She's saving her shock

until Hinkley's out.

Yeah.

Clarice, you're going to have to give pussy.

You're going to have to suck off John Hinkley.

What if I told you you have to give pussy to John Hinkley?

I don't want to do that, Doctor Lecter.

It's not up to you.

Oh, Chlorine.

Where is Corey, Mr.

Feeny?

I sucked his penis.

I fucked them in his ass.

I sucked his balls.

I socked his balls, Chlorine.

I sucked his balls, Corey.

I I fucked his ass.

I fucked his ass.

Where she is from Asage.

Corey!

I fucked Corey.

I fucked him, Corey.

I fucked him to death, Corey.

It's funny when you it's funny as a concept

and then you start thinking about Mr.

Feeney pulling his cock out and he's fucking uh Corey Corey, but he's wearing a sweater up top.

Oh, yeah, nice art.

Exactly.

No problem.

Oh, hang on.

Feeney.

Come on, George Feeney.

Don't act like you don't know me.

Mr.

Feeney.

Mr.

Feeney.

Mr.

Feeney.

Feeny.

Ooh, that was a new

Well, I'm gay.

I'm gay, Mr.

Matthews.

Yeah, we just uh

we're going through YouTube here now.

We've mentioned it before, but shout out to the lady that was in Boy Meets World the moment.

How about a story?

Somebody sends

hot.

How about this?

Somebody needs to use the dark web to send Kamala Harris a picture of their penis.

And that'll be international news.

And then I can get a job in the New York Post pitching WhoTube

as a headline

because they're trying to figure out whose dick it is.

Right.

WhoTube?

WhoTube?

Yeah.

Kamala Jackie Chan Harris

shown penis.

She didn't want to see this.

That's really good.

She's in a rush for an hour to not look at that cock.

Something like that.

Yeah, Mr.

Magoo.

No, no, no.

It's a blind.

It's a story.

No, no, no.

He said, Mr.

Magoo, everyone, and then he coughed a little bit.

Yeah, I have COVID.

Maxine Waters does something, and they call it

Vaccine Maxine.

That's good.

That's really good.

Just got a pussy blown out

by Tess Holiday's popsicle.

Wow.

Now, that's some kind of pornography I'd love to watch.

Yeah.

An old bitch and a fat bitch.

Meet Porn Pop.

Joe Biden caught with gay porn on his phone in the middle of a press conference.

Or Hunting for Gay Porn.

Yeah.

What else was on Hunter's laptop?

Yeah.

He had gay porn on there?

No, I think he was just regular.

What about

Meat porn black?

Hunter Wideman.

Hunter Biden's shocking 300-pound weight gain.

Okay.

And

predicted soon to happen by the New York Post.

By the time the future.

These pictures show us what it might look like if Hunter Biden were to gain 300 pounds.

That's honestly how all their news sheets.

You should start with the headlines

and then reverse engineer the news from there.

I think there was that.

What was the TV show?

I'm going to buy the New York Post.

The TV show is Boy Meets World.

Where he gets all types of money.

Morris penis, Mr.

Batman.

Mr.

Batman.

Mr.

Batman.

I'm going to sock the Joker's penis.

Mr.

Batman.

Mr.

Police.

You could have saved her.

You could have saved her, Mr.

Police.

You could have saved her, Mrs.

Police.

But I fucked her pussy.

Mr.

Feeney,

what was that guy up to, young?

He was in the graduate.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, he was.

I also remember there was like an actor strike, and he was the head of SAG.

Nice.

He was like giving a speech.

Was it World Police or the Film Actors Guild?

Yeah, the Fag.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Very funny.

You say, good job, Fag.

Young Mr.

Feeney kind of looks like Adam.

What do you mean?

He's got a sharp-ass nose.

Look at this TMZ video.

Remember Mr.

Feeney and it's just them harassing him?

He's just old as shit.

He's harassing an old man.

Did you ever rape anybody?

Damn, my man's iconic role was Mr.

Feeney.

I'm going to try to put this as kindly as possible.

Your deck is small.

The show has turned into a circus, and you three are driving the tiny car.

Look, Mr.

Feeney, I mean, I'm proud that I knew

The penguin from Batman?

Yeah, the penguin.

The penguin.

Yeah, the penguin.

That'd be cool.

Just go ahead and

penguin nude.

Looks like a lot of fakes.

Got anything good, buddy?

Find anything good?

No, just a lot of fakes.

Yeah.

And

some girls are doing porn that vaguely look like her.

Some girls should make her porn name to Panga.

I think there is.

I would click on that.

Are we still playing The Sims?

That's got to be a weird thing to do these days.

I feel like they're doing like, yeah, I simulate people.

In my apartment.

Minecraft.

Yeah.

You don't say.

I feel like that took over.

The Sims was pretty fun.

Yeah, it was.

I don't play it anymore, but I did when I was younger.

Yeah.

I liked the Roller Coaster Tycoon.

How about The Sim City?

That's good.

The Sims and Sims.

Their whole relation, yeah.

They just

OnlyFans.

That's good.

Only a Chance.

A missing Chinese Sex Worker goes missing.

That's awesome.

Missing Chinese Sex Worker goes missing again.

Only Chance.

Only Chance 2.

Where in the world is Jackie Chan Diego?

Yeah.

We're in Jackie Chan's Diego is Mr.

Diego.

That could be another one.

Where's Mr.

Diego?

Where's Mr.

Diego's Opus?

That could be a movie.

That could be a movie.

Mr.

Diego's Opus?

Mr.

Diego's Jackie Chan Opus.

Yeah.

Who's Diego?

Exactly.

He's the character played by Jackie Chan.

Mr.

Holland's Diego penis.

And he's a teacher that's got a...

He's pulling.

Mr.

Holland's in the middle of the moment.

They brought me in Go Penis.

They brought me in to

teach violins and unruly Hispanic kids.

They're like, we're not listening to you.

And then he pulls out his dick and it's got a little sombrero on the top.

And they respect him.

Oh, shit.

They're like,

he's like, what's up now?

Make my day.

That's a cool penis home.

Now we're going to play fucking Moonlight Sonata.

It's a fucking cool penis, home.

Yeah, Yeah, let's get those those streams going.

Mr.

Holland's Diego Penis, written by the New York Post.

That's awesome.

You don't even want credit, screenwriting credit.

Yeah.

You're a company, man.

Mm-hmm.

You love the New York Post?

New York Penis.

Mr.

Holland's Pennsylvania.

The New Penis Times.

The New Penis Times.

Yeah.

I like that.

I typed in Mr.

Holland's Diego Penis into Google and it said, do you mean Mr.

Holland's Diego Penis?

That's awesome.

How'd they figure it out?

Oh, damn, look at this.

The first result is Mr.

Holland's Bogus by the Tampa Vay Times.

Wow.

Upstaging the New York Post.

Wow, Mr.

Holland's bogus.

It's a bad review.

Yeah.

They didn't like it.

Crippendorf's Tribe is a smutty little so-called family comedy that won't be remembered for anything except its constantly phallic humor and how two bright new actors rose above it.

A pair of old pros weren't so fortunate.

Mr.

Holland's Opus.

It's also with Richard Dreyfus, but he plays like

an anthropologist.

Remember these names if you haven't already picked up on them.

Jenna Elfman and Natasha LeYoung, two young women who deserve to be the stars.

He's right about that.

Elfman, of course,

is growing.

You're listening to the reading movie reviews from 20 years ago podcasts.

Yeah, that movie is old as you're doing.

Probably 30 years ago.

Mr.

Holland's Penis.

Jenna Elfman.

She was in.

Richard Dreyfus and Lily Tommins should know better.

When they read Charlie Peters' screenplay, did they sense that the only three big laughs in the first 35 minutes are two penis jokes?

Sounds good to me.

It sounds like a fucking good movie, dumbly.

Tampa Bay.

Tampa Bay should be a job.

What the fuck are you saying?

Yeah, Tampa Bay Times, more like

Campa Bay, Campaign.

Camp Moles, Boys,

Bay,

Biems,

Tampa Gay, Biems.

Now I'm looking up Jenna Elfman.

Tampa Gay Guys.

Nothing too good here either.

Why?

What was wrong with that?

Because we moved on already.

There was one second.

A chance to say some.

I missed when I could jack off the obvious fakes when I didn't know any better.

Yeah.

Back in my year.

Before you left the Garden of Eden.

Before you tasted the apple.

Before you touched God's copy of Photoshop.

Before that snake.

I used to jack off to so many fake Britney Spears nudes.

I love when they're just really smiling and they're just getting plowed in the ass.

Yeah.

I like when a girl is happy during sex.

Not me.

You like it when they're sad?

Yeah.

Jenna Elfman is Danny Elfman's dad.

Like when they look worried.

Shouldn't her name be Danny Elfwoman?

Yes.

That's his daughter, huh?

Yeah.

I thought it was his sister.

That's how names work in China.

Like if your dad's name is Eric, you're just girl Eric.

I'm smart.

That's how you go around town.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

That's a good system.

And then your husband becomes Girl Eric's husband.

Oh, shit.

His name originally is uh

Eric II

if his dad's name is Eric a lot of Chinese guys are named Eric

in Brazil they all just have a bad names right yeah in Latin countries they have like you should have like a hundred names yeah that's to honor your your honors what the hell is Jenna Elfman doing these days I think she got married to Greg Greg Elfman in real life from Darman Greg for real I don't know I think so

Fuck her.

Yeah, Jen Elfman husband Bodie Elfman.

He took her name?

He took her name.

For real?

She's taller than him, too.

This shit rules.

Wow.

Actually, you know what?

I would love to fucking take the name of my tall wife.

Yeah, they're doing like more of a Chinese style

kind of family.

That's awesome.

Look at her high-ass pregnancy.

He's holding his wife's belly, and he looks like he's trying to dunk a basketball.

It's at his nipples.

It's up by his chest.

Respect to that guy, honestly.

Yeah.

No respect to Adam, of course.

Why?

I don't know.

Why not?

It's fine.

Whatever works.

Adam, you should start wearing overalls.

Why?

You should start dressing like

Osh, Gosh, Pagosh.

Like Janie from She's All That before they do her up.

That's kind of my look already.

Ah, fuck.

Kind of art girl vibe.

Yeah.

Yeah, but you're not fuckable like them.

Yeah, we'll.

Just wait till I get to the bottom.

I'm going to start dressing like Seth Green and Buffy the Vampire.

fucking air walks and big pants and

like a property of bum equipment hoodie that's pretty cool dude i wanted a bum bum equipment so bad i thought it was cool it's such a funny name i was like that's what i want i'm a cool guy we got all the same

same tech as the homeless butt cheeks equipment yeah all those companies all those 90s companies just turned into clothes for homeless people yeah yeah fucking avor x well because slacker was an aesthetic in the 90s Homeless people used to dress professionally.

That's true.

Yeah.

And then they...

Yeah, Bones did used to have kind of like a teacher look.

Yeah.

Addison

to star in gender swapped remake of She's All That.

Who?

Addison Regiment.

Oh, the bitch from TikTok.

That's the lead role in that gender swap.

Oh, damn.

I wish I could be the guy in that movie.

Where they're like, oh, boy, she's got to date a loser.

And it's like, how about that guy who's 32 years old?

and is hanging out on the high school campus?

All the kids think you're

going to turn him into

a cool guy.

Yeah, he's fucking racist

and he's a pedophile.

Dick doesn't work.

Dick doesn't work.

He lives racist, old pedophile.

That is

an interesting movie.

I can change him.

I'm like, no, you can't.

Fuck you, bitch.

Give me some child pussy.

He's all that.

It's so funny because it's like nobody says all that anymore.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like no part of it is like.

It's all bullshit.

Yeah.

All that in a bag of chips.

What a gay expression.

I heard being four and being like, am I supposed to say that?

Yeah, dude.

You're supposed to say that shit.

You're supposed to fucking call things all that in a bag of chips.

Oh, boy.

Well,

I'm getting tired.

It's been already.

We've already.

Courtney uh

hard Ardashian.

That's good.

Yeah, she's dating Travis Barker.

Travis

Sarker.

Sarker.

Sarkesian.

He's Armenian?

Yeah.

That's the only reason it works, because

they're both Armenian.

Oh, I didn't realize.

Yeah, dude.

A hard Armenian.

Travis Barker's been lying about being Armenian this whole time.

Yeah, I feel like I can't listen to Blink 182 the same way.

It's Travis Barkeesian.

Wow, it's so weird.

I wish there were more donuts or at least

a Sony Bunny Check's mix or a sandwich or something.

Yeah, I'm going to go home and eat some chicken, I think.

I'm going to kill myself.

I'm going to have a Sonny D or an Orangina.

Orangina's good.

Yeah.

And then

maybe a little bit of...

Ooh, you know what I really want?

What's that?

Heroin.

Chicken liver pate.

Respect.

That's a nice move.

Yeah.

Get a little cupsome gherkin.

That's an aristocrat's fucking lunch.

Yeah.

Well, you know, you're the upper crust.

I am, dude.

You know, I was thinking the other day.

I'm like Chevy Cheese.

What do you guys think about me holding a mic like this?

Chevy Rick.

It's like a pop-punk pop.

We should all get a new mic holding.

I'm fucking gay.

I'm going to start going to New York Open mics and holding it up.

Does this make

an old

grip the fucking thing?

I'm fucking up, dick!

You know, fucking gay!

Those are the best New York Open mic guys is like the Italian guys that like have so much confidence in their day-to-day life, but they get on stage and they're like, yeah, so this guy, I'm like, yeah, he's fidgeting so fucking uncomfortable doing comedy, and I'm like,

are you going to give me pussy in here?

Or where are we going to go?

But fucking, I don't know.

Whatever.

Who fucking cares?

What else is going on?

Yeah, so I live in Staten Island and it's like...

It's fucking weird that they even bother calling it an island because it's like fucking this player feels more like a fuck you guys.

I'm leaving.

I'm fucking, you're fucking fucking hipsters.

You don't like this shit.

You just had a fucking Chinese bitch up here.

Oh, what is he fucking Chinese?

You laugh at the fucking Chinese bitch saying, oh, white people are bad, white people are bad.

Fuck you.

I hope she goes missing.

I hope they can't find her.

I hope she gets lost in the fucking foyer of her own family's house.

And they're like, what the fuck is that?

Is that me?

Did we put a mirror in the middle of the fucking boy?

I'm confused.

And then, like, slowly, like, just me at the open mic for some reason.

Back of the room.

Yes.

Now, that's a Mr.

Holland's penis.

Bravo.

Italian-style comedy, the way it's always meant to be.

Well, thank you for listening, folks.

And come see Adam this weekend in Nashville.

Yes.

And come see me in Cleveland.

I also have

Patreon.com.

Go to patreon.com.

I also have a Pantheon show October 17th.

Or I'm sorry, October 13th.

And I think we're adding a New York date to the Prince of Pleasure tour.

Wow.

Gotham Comic as part of the New York Comedy Festival.

Wow.

I believe the 10th of November.

But,

yeah.

Stopi.biz slash tour.

Fucking Cleveland.

Fucking Madison.

Fucking Phoenix.

All the good shit.

And we will talk to you guys next week.

Bye.

You gotta hit the button.

If you guys have a show,

with the trusted, personal touch you deserve.

Wherever you're heading, we're better together.

Visit WumbleBonBickinson.com today.

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