Ep. 277 – did someone die

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Okay.

Alright, we're good now.

Today's top story, Adam,

big hater of Glenn Greenwald.

Me?

Yeah.

You're jealous of how many guys he gets to fuck with.

You're like, I wish I looked like him.

I wish I was as handsome.

I wish I was as handsome as Glenn Greenwald.

It would be nice to live in Rio.

That's true.

Yeah.

He has a lot of dogs.

That's kind of nice.

What's he doing down there?

Just petting dogs and eating chips and salsa?

Yeah.

Well, he's going.

It's all Fogo de Chow.

Every meal is Fogo de Chow.

Damn.

He's just eating meat off swords.

That's awesome.

Wow.

Damn.

I haven't been to a nice Fogo de Chow in a while.

The last time I had Brazilian barbecue was in

Canada with

a couple of fagarinos.

You have clones of yourself that you make it.

I remember that we were in Ottawa.

That was actually...

For such a gay party.

Did we get Brazilian barbecue there?

For the gayest part of the gayest tour we've been on.

Yep.

Which it was.

Ottawa.

Ottawa was without

fucking staying in Roseanne's house and some like house.

Yeah, that was really funny.

Nick almost fought a security guard at Walmart.

Yeah, that was the day I slept the whole day.

I was on, I took edibles and slept an entire day.

Yeah.

That's how gay Ottawa was.

You guys were like, I'm going to go to Walmart.

I was like, I'm just going to take so many edibles, I sleep through a day.

I was going through my camera roll, and I have a photo shoot I did of you in the backyard of that Roseanne house we were staying at.

What was it?

You were smoking weed, wearing a Canada cowboy hat.

Send me those pics.

I'll send them to you.

I might try to get into edibles.

I've never taken an edible in my life.

Oh, what?

Don't do it.

You never have?

No, never.

It's way more than smoking weed.

You get way higher.

It is, you do.

Oh, speaking of marijuana, I just want to say

five years ago, we did an episode with Andy Haynes where I mentioned this guy, Nick 420 CA me and my friends have been watching smoke weed on the internet for 10 years and he acknowledged us this week and it was a major moment in my life dude who cares he wants us to come down to long beach and you can go and do a dab marine nick 420 dabs can suck my dick i don't give a fuck at all stop he's a new fan of the show He can suck at my old balls of my dick.

That's where you and I are different.

I respect every single person who listens to this show.

And that is, if that's true, we are very different.

Yeah.

We could not be more diametrically opposed on that matter.

Diabetrically opposed.

In that sense, yes, we are.

I am diabetically opposed, dude.

If it ain't ice cream, I'm not having it.

I'm diabetically opposed to food.

I kind of want ice cream now.

Okay.

We can make that one.

Because ice cream is great in the summer, but in the fall, once it's like past its bedtime.

Oh, it's slutty.

It's fucking bad.

You feel like a bad boy.

Ice cream after hours.

Yeah, yeah.

And the leaves are turning.

You're just licking down a big cone.

I totally see what you're saying.

Triple scoop.

I love the triple scoop because that's way too much ice cream.

It's unruly.

It's an unruly amount.

Yeah.

Fuck, dude.

There was such a good flavor of ice cream I had in Seattle.

Do you want to try and remember it?

I'm trying.

Was it under?

I couldn't tell you.

Under his penis.

What are you saying?

He's a pedophile.

Come on.

What?

Oh, I disrespect Nick 420 dabs, and now you've got to say I'm a fucking pedophile.

Yeah, you have me on edge a little bit right now.

Fuck you and fuck him.

How about that?

It's Nick C.

I don't care what it is.

All right.

It's a man that I've been watching smoking weed on the internet for 15 years.

You know what?

And we didn't get to it to the last episode because we got into something else that was really good, and I'm not going to spoil it, but it is the best episode we've ever done.

The next premium might be the best we've ever done.

But I have some grievance.

You know what?

Since you're going to have this attitude, I was going to let it slide, but I have a grievance against you.

What's the grievance?

I asked for a sandwich this morning.

You asked, did anybody want coffee?

I was at the coffee bean or teal.

Like orange, is that good?

Orange is nice.

I would put a shade more white in it.

Yeah.

But I like it.

No, it's like a library.

Like a...

Still, a pinch more white.

A gentleman's

gentleman's penis.

A gentleman's penis.

A gentleman's penis never lies.

I like this color also.

The blue, that's nice.

Soothing.

Can't you do it?

Yeah, you can do whatever you want, right?

You can do it.

I have some shit like that.

Whatever you want in this world.

The red's intense.

Red's too much.

Unless you're doing a brothel.

Yeah.

Purple's nice.

Purple City Bird Gang.

Ravens.

What's up?

Blue.

That's like a mystical blue.

I like that icy blue.

I like icy blue and I like this kind of green.

It makes me feel like I'm in some kind of like.

magic.

Yeah, some kind of like magician's lair.

Yeah.

Like Merlin.

Like if Merlin was doing skulls into my ass.

Oh, yeah.

That'd be cool.

To shrink it.

Anyways,

folks, welcome to the show.

No, I have grievances against Adam.

Okay, air it.

Air your grievance.

Okay, first.

Let me cut you off for a second.

Go ahead.

You're allowed to air it if we resolve it.

I don't want to have a grievance out there.

You're not going to put it not resolved.

You're not going to put fucking restraints on my speech, motherfucker.

I'm not putting restraints.

You're not telling me what I can and cannot air.

I'm airing whatever the money is.

No, I want to find common ground with a friend.

And I hope to find it too.

Okay.

I hope to.

I'm going into this hopeful thing.

Okay, go.

Say it.

You asked if anybody wanted coffee.

How about a coffee shop called Common Ground?

Wouldn't that be

really good?

Maybe that should be our business that we start with the money we got that we didn't deserve.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like a woman would.

Like a woman with her father's money.

I'm going to start a coffee shop called Common Ground where we elevate women, colorful, fat, black women voices.

This is a fat black woman elevating business called Common Ground, owned by me.

Oh, yeah.

Rebecca Rothschild Vanderbilt.

Hyphen Feldstein.

I hyphened my husband, who's

a lawyer.

That's good.

That's the hyphen.

That's the third hyphen, huh?

Anyway, continuously.

I spend my father's money.

I spend my husband's money, and I am a business owner.

It's a coffee shop that sells $8 lattes and soap that I make myself by hiring someone else to.

I put the wick in at the end of the day.

It's soap on a rope.

And I helped.

That's what rich women are.

They're like the fucking kid from the Chex Mix commercial.

Yes, 100%.

And I helped.

Yeah, they wrap a bow on whatever product they have made in a pseudo-sweatshop.

And they're like, yeah, it's a collaborative effort.

I'd really love to shove those ladies down the stairs.

Rich ladies?

Rich women?

Rich women that have fake businesses that pretend that they, or that they pretend that they earned through their own hard work.

What is an apothecary?

And they always have a vein that starts in the middle of their foot and goes up their ankle all the way to their brain.

Just one prominent vein.

What?

What's an apothecary?

Yeah, because those kind of women always own an apothecary.

Yeah, it's like a place that sells fucking Edison light bulbs and like a mason jar with a twig in it.

And soaps.

Yeah, bullshit soaps.

Yeah.

A lot of like recycled paper.

They don't have bags.

They fold.

They're like, do you want this skiff wrapped?

And it's like recycled construction paper bowed with tine.

Yep.

Twine.

Twine.

Yeah.

It's the kind of paper you should, that a nice ribeye steak should be wrapped in.

Yeah.

Not a gift.

That sounds nice.

You know what sounded nice to me at around 10.48 a.m.

today?

Yeah.

A sandwich.

A breakfast sandwich.

Okay, I was at a coffee shop.

Okay,

and what?

They don't have anything sort of.

Here's for the listeners at home.

New York is

like you could fall over and run into a breakfast sandwich.

100%.

The entire city's built out of fucking breakfast sandwiches.

Yep.

It's actually less reasonable to say, oh, I was at a coffee bean because I know the coffee bean he was at, and it is flanked on both sides by

Odega.

That you you can get a shitty breakfast.

That's a true deli where you can get a breakfast sandwich.

There's one with the flowers in the front, right next to your apartment.

And on the other side is.

And give the address, too.

Yeah.

Just so people get an idea.

Well, I'll give you a hint.

Because we're not just going to say Adam's address.

But

if

I had two princes

and one of them was

the point is

that I asked, I text you because I was getting coffee.

And it's a nice thing to do.

Prince Lafayette.

It's a nice thing to do.

And his brother,

who's named after a number.

There was two princes, one named Prince Lafayette and the other one named Prince Avenue.

And their sister, 203.

And their sister

apartments.

And they

And they all lived a two Lafayette.

Wait, is that his actual address?

No, it's not, right?

No.

Listen, even in the middle of this war, I would say we should take his address out, Adam.

So just understand, because we are in a war.

In a conflict.

I want to be in a war.

War of the hoses.

The world.

It's about a gay couple that's getting divorced.

And they're peeing on each other.

Well, they just have their dicks on.

They have uncircumcised dicks that look like hoses.

There's Michael Douglas hanging from a chandelier by his dick.

And Kathleen Madigan, but she's got.

Kathleen Madigan?

Whatever the bitch's name is.

Kathleen Turner.

I'm past the age where I'm going to like.

I've been in the territory where I can't remember words for maybe four or five years now.

And now I've reached the age where it's like, I don't even fucking care to get it correct.

I'm not going to be like, oh, what I meant was.

Right.

When it's out, it's out.

Catherine Donegal plays the other man.

She's got a penis.

In Friends,

she played a trans.

The one from who said Roger Men?

Chandler's mom,

Chandler's dad became Chandler's mother.

Who said Roger Lando or whatever the movie is?

Who sucked

Rogers?

Who gave a Lodgin'

David Mashaw David Mathow's penis?

And she plays the bitch, the cartoon bitch.

Yeah.

So it's her, but in War of the Hoses, it's her with a

short haircut because she's playing a fucking guy.

Oh, she's playing a guy.

She's not a woman with a penis.

No, and she's doing gymnasium squeezing.

Because if Jessica Rabbit, if somebody looked like Jessica Rabbit and she had a penis, I would suck it without even a moment's hesitation.

Just,

it's clear.

How about Jessica Fat Shit?

And it's a fat bitch cartoon.

It's got red hair.

Yeah.

She's like, Roger.

And 300.

She's retarded pounds.

No.

Oh, okay.

That's my impression of her.

So the stanks.

Roger.

Your fat vocal cords have a little in common with your retarded voice.

Well, you know, it's a...

There's a little...

They're both smoky.

Smoky, yes.

One from barbecue.

I guess Carol.

She has a smoky voice to be aware of that.

She has a smoky voice, yeah.

She kind of sounds like an aristocratic Down syndrome person.

Right.

A little in between.

Yeah.

My family owned all the candy in the world.

Have candy for months.

Until Chairman Mao came into power.

Until Fidel came into power.

I love candy.

You could say that

I'm simply daffy for candy.

So

we have a nice culture here where if somebody goes out to the bodega, somebody gets coffee, we always offer, hey, I'm headed here.

And in the past, I believe, you know,

Nick, I think, has asked for a muffin from Burley.

And I've gotten it because that's my guy.

And I want to make sure our recording of my

chocolate croissant.

I've gotten you the chocolate croissant.

Never muffin.

I'm sorry, I got the muffin that time.

You got the chocolate croissant.

Well, I don't know that they have muffins there.

I don't know if they're not.

They had some kind of muffin.

There's a lot of people that are going to come to New York to see Adam's apartment and see Lafayette Avenue.

And they're going to stop by the famous Burley wearing their cometown-branded diaper.

Right.

And they're like, Let me have the staff blueberry muffins I can be like stav.

I want to be like stav

and like Stavi baby.

I want the chocolate, the Nick Mullen chocolate croissant.

And then they say they don't have the blueberry muffin, they're going to be like, they're liars.

Right.

They lied.

You know what?

Maybe I got some kind of biscuit.

A scone, you mean?

A scone.

Yeah.

Sorry.

I'm not as familiar.

The point is.

Now, blueberry scone, which is a hard muffin.

The point is, I asked, does anybody...

want coffee?

Nick responds with a food item.

I do my best to get him that food item.

That's right.

Because that's the kind of, yeah, sure, coffee is an expression.

We're out.

We're getting something.

And I can attack you.

I was at the coffee shop getting sick.

And you're telling me, and by the way, what is it?

Radio silence.

You don't say to me, hey, pal, I'm at fucking, you know, I'm at the fucking coffee shop.

They don't have breakfast sandwiches.

Yeah.

What you say to me is

nothing.

What you say to me is, it's absolutely nothing.

He makes you know.

I thought you know,

you made him think you're getting the sandwich, but you were like, oh, I don't know what you're saying.

In the absence

of a response,

thank you.

It's back.

In the absence of a fucking response, of course, I would assume my friend is going to ignore me and not fulfill my wishes.

No, I would never do him like that.

If on that day the Nick wanted a chocolate croissant, I get there and I say, hey, pal, they're out of them.

Would you like a substitute?

Well, that's something that's sold at a coffee shop.

Breakfast sandwiches are often sold at a coffee shop.

Don't even fuck with me right now.

Don't even pretend

a coffee shop doesn't half the time have a sandwich.

And if they don't, they have some kind of

pastry.

They have some kind of fucking

even a savory thing.

There's something you could eat.

People say, why does Adam get so much shit on the show?

He's a nice guy.

You know, he seems like they just bully him.

He's just a punching back.

And then you go and do some shit.

Do something like this.

Then you go and fucking act a dickhead.

Act a damn motherfucking dickhead.

On some breakfast sandwich fucking.

Oh, my phone.

I was too busy.

I couldn't look at my phone.

Yeah.

Tell me, hey, pal, they ain't got fucking sandwiches here.

Would you like a scone?

Yeah.

Would you like a kind bar?

You're going.

Okay.

Okay.

You're going to

get a bunch of paper.

You're going to a pizza restaurant, right?

To get a pizza.

I don't even see that.

And then no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Now we got to turn it into a fucking

pizza restaurant and you say, hey, let me get some garlic knots or mozzarella sticks.

That's a completely reasonable thing.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And you're going to get a piece of pizza.

Okay, listen.

You're a good friend.

You're at the pizza restaurant.

You text me.

You say, hey, Adam, I'm getting pizza.

Do you want some?

Right?

Want pizza?

Just like I was getting coffee.

I said, stop.

Do you want some?

Okay, go ahead.

And then I say, no, but I really want a MacBook Pro.

Not even fucking close, you piece of shit.

That's what you're saying.

That's exactly what Nick said.

That is an item.

How about this?

It's not so

much a pizza restaurant.

How about this?

If I say I'm at the fucking pizza restaurant and you say, hey, I want a fucking, exactly what Nick said, a garlic knot.

Or how about this?

I want CD.

And you're like, oh, this one doesn't have CD.

How about a slice?

Yeah.

Sure.

Okay, fine.

Fuck it.

Also, how the fuck are we supposed to know you're at a coffee shop?

A MacBook.

I'm thinking you're a coffee.

I said, I'm getting a coffee.

Stop.

Do you want a coffee?

At the corner.

And I said, no, I'd like a fucking breakfast sandwich.

Hee-hee.

And I say,

the hee-hee implies I'm being a little slutty.

I'm asking a little something from my friends.

If they had a breakfast sandwich, I would have gotten you a breakfast sandwich.

You could have said, hey, at this place, they don't have coffee.

Because listen,

the coffee shop right by me doesn't have sandwiches, right?

What if you would answer that?

You know what they have, motherfucker?

Croissants.

Okay.

They have ham and cheese croissants.

They have something.

Ham and cheese croissant is basically

sandwiches.

It's just a sandwich.

I guarantee you.

And you know what?

How about this?

No, no, no, no.

Why don't we pull up the fucking coffee beans menu, in fact?

Let's pull up the fucking coffee.

If you want to be Mr.

Lawyer, MacBook Pro at a fucking pizza restaurant, you fucking piece of shit.

Let's pull up the fucking coffee

menu.

You're bringing a lot of ugliness into the store today.

You are, but you bring it out of me.

People listen, people don't listen to hear friends fight.

They listen to headaches.

You're bringing it the fuck out of me.

And I'm going to coffeebean.com right the fuck now.

Yes.

And I'm actually on the one right at your fucking apartment.

No, you're not.

I am.

I know exactly the fuck you are.

Yeah, we're friends, but we're also coworkers.

And I'll tell you what, if I was at my office.

Oh, wait a second.

Hold on.

Look at this dropdown menu.

If I was at my office job and one of my coworkers said I'm getting lunch and they didn't get me lunch, I I call them a fucking piece of shit in front of everybody.

I was getting coffee and then getting in my car.

By the way, because I didn't want to be late for the show.

By the way.

You were late.

I wasn't late.

And by the way,

we came here.

Stop so late, but you were late too.

No, I wasn't.

And the reason we were delayed is because of you and listening.

You delayed the show.

And by the way, I wasn't going to bring any of this up until you jump all over me for saying fuck Nick420 Debs, whatever the fuck his name is.

And Nick, isn't this interesting?

Look at coffeebean.com.

Look at this drop-down menu.

Coffee.

Cafe.

What's cafe menu?

Cafe menu.

Very interesting.

All they had out were pastries.

Oh, a pastry.

I should have asked you if you wanted to.

Oh, so now the tune changes when you're forced

when you're fucking, when your feet are at the fucking fire.

Oh, my God.

Let's see if they have sandwiches.

If they have sandwiches, it's going to be so funny.

Coffee bean.

Our company?

Is it coffee bean or like half of the fish?

It's coffeebean.com.

I was grabbing a coffee before getting it.

So do you say that they have pastries?

I asked you.

Do you admit to yourself?

Of course they have pastries.

That's what they have out behind the window.

Pastries.

And maybe that you could have said to me, hey, pal, they ain't got no fucking sandwiches.

But how about you?

I thought you were just like, I don't want coffee, but I'm going to get a switch.

But what do I want?

I want something to sustain me.

I thought you were going to get a sandwich and you assumed that they didn't have fucking sandwiches.

Why would I assume that?

I don't know, dude.

Half the places we get fucking coffee, they got sandwiches.

Or something analogous.

And that's what they had.

Pastry is not analogous to sandwich.

It's analogous to a sandwich.

No, it's not.

Absolutely, it is.

No, it's not.

You don't have a pastry for dinner.

You could have a sandwich for dinner.

Well, they might have a savory fucking pastry.

They might have a croissant with fucking cheese.

That's not how civilized culture works.

And you know what's nice here, Adam?

Yes.

You snitched on yourself because the website doesn't list food, but you admitted that there was pastries.

Of course, there's pastries.

It's a coffee shop.

Oh, now it's a fucking,

of course, situation.

Oh, my God.

So, are you going to apologize?

Apologize for offering you a coffee when I was getting one.

Oh, my God.

Yes, I'm so sorry.

I'm unfucking.

I've been in there, and I'm pretty sure they have sandwiches in the.

Can we actually?

Why don't we call a coffee bean?

Yeah,

let's call them on the phone.

Let's call them on the fucking phone.

No, that's against the law.

It's not against the law.

Yes, it is.

Shut the fuck up.

You're breaking New York state law.

Okay.

Actually, New York is one of the one places where you're allowed to be able to do that.

I think that's true, actually.

All right, let's see what they have to say.

Thank you for calling Coffee Minutito.

This is Alami.

Hey, do you sell sandwiches?

We have

some sandwiches.

Yeah, we have

wraps.

What kind of sandwiches do you have?

So I have an egg salad sandwich.

I have a tuna wrap.

Currently, right now, I don't have a

vegetable rep usually.

Do you have like breakfast sandwiches?

Do you do that in the morning?

Yeah, we have again a hash burrito.

Like a breakfast burrito with broccoli, cheddar quiche.

Okay,

but that's usually

like in the morning, like 10 a.m., you'd usually have it.

I have it all day.

All day, okay, great.

All right, great.

That's all we need to know.

Thank you so much.

Wow.

You didn't have a breakfast sandwich.

Wow.

You said you wanted a breakfast sandwich.

You said a cheva sandwich.

Oh, bro.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

That went worse for you than I ever possibly expected it to have.

Do you want a key?

You wanted me to get your extra.

You send your breakfast burrito all goddamn day.

Those weren't behind the fucking glass.

Did you?

They just had pastries out.

You've been exposed in a manner I didn't even think possible at the beginning of this grievance.

How?

I will accept nothing less than a full apology with no stank on it from you.

No, I'm just never going to offer you a coffee again.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

So because you were wrong in this instance, you're going to wreck the beautiful culture we fucking created here over five years.

I was being nice, nice and now you're punishing me for being nice.

Yes, I was.

I was being nice to you by saying, hey, I'm grabbing a coffee.

I'm grabbing a coffee before I head over to Nick's to do the show.

You said none of that.

That's what I was doing.

The text right before that was, hey, Nick, I'm headed to you.

And then I said, Stav, do you want a coffee?

Headed to you, Nick.

Stav, you want a coffee?

No, but I want a sandwich, he, he.

I didn't even say breakfast sandwich.

Okay.

I didn't even say breakfast sandwich.

I should have got you a tuna fish sandwich.

You could have said what they have.

I assumed.

Don't just going to get a sandwich at the deli when you got here.

This started as a bit, but right now, the way you're digging your fucking heels in.

I'm pissed off right now.

I was being

good for you to keep saying,

because I think one of them is you have to get people breakfast.

Rosh Hashanah's over.

No, sir.

I'm looking up.

And while we're looking that up, you might want to check out Baluchu.com.

Adam, why don't you do a little penance for the audience?

Honestly, man, I actually,

what I feel bad about is that you've been exposed as a bad guy to the audience.

I don't feel bad about bringing this up.

I feel bad that now people are going to think of you lower, but you do deserve it.

But I don't want you to have to go through that because you're my friend.

But people are going to look at you in a different light.

Yeah, people loved me before.

They do, and they did.

Yeah,

I don't want them to stop loving you.

You got to act like

You did nothing for five years to damage my

absolutely

unimpeachable name.

That's within the confines of the show.

This is real life.

This is the fucking behind the scenes.

Okay.

Now, why don't you tell us how to get our dicks hard?

Before that, I want to tell you that if you live in Nashville, I'm going to be there on October 1st and 2nd with Microcene.

Co-headlining.

Nashville, Tennessee ticket links will be up soon.

Anyway, BlueChew.com.

And I will be in Minneapolis this very weekend.

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Why don't you keep talking about it for a minute, Adam?

Why?

Because I'm still looking up the Rosh Hashanah rules.

Why are you looking that up?

Because I'm pretty sure you're going to Jewish hell.

You don't believe in hell.

Yeah, you do.

No, Jews don't believe in hell.

You got something.

I'm getting close here.

Even if I I have to have.

Where do they go?

Where do guys who betray their friends go in the faith out of curiosity?

Let me ask you this.

If you think that's real, that Jews don't believe in hell.

They don't have hell, right?

Yeah.

And

this is sort of a thought experiment, as they say in some of the alt-right circles.

No.

If Jews don't believe in hell,

and

you believe in an equitable world, right?

Yeah.

So, which means that, you know, not inequality of outcomes, but like, you know, like things are fair.

Right.

Wouldn't that mean that some of the Jews should be burning and tortured?

I don't think so.

To balance out

Christians that are going to hell, despite

because a lot of Christians will go to hell.

Sure.

You can be the most Christian guy in the world.

It's like, you know, look.

Somebody's got to get in there.

There's a limited amount of space.

It's the fucking clouds.

If you overfill them, people fall through.

They start falling through, they splat all over Earth.

In fact, you need more people in hell to keep the earth from collapsing in on itself due to gravity.

In the middle of earth is hell.

Yeah.

And the audacity of Jews to say, oh, well, we don't go there.

We don't believe it.

We all go to heaven immediately.

We go to Abraham's bosom.

You don't go to heaven immediately.

Where do you go?

There's like a spiritual cleansing process that's going to be.

And is it at bluechew.com?

Yeah, promo.

Jews go before they go to hell.

So there's no hell where you, if you're bad, you just have to get cleansed longer?

Yeah, think about like Hitler would have, he'd be on a

heavy wash, you know, right, right, right.

Extra

extra rinse, extra

rinse cycle.

Damn it.

Well, don't like swallowing pills, no problem here, because Blue Chew's.

We said

to dolophil.

Sildenophil, Tadalophil.

Nick, I don't know if you heard this, but this analogy, but Blue Chew is like a good friend for your penis.

It's like a good friend for your penis that would get you a breakfast sandwich.

That would get you a breakfast sandwich.

He did not say breakfast sandwich.

Oh, I'm sorry.

He would get you a sandwich.

Any kind of sandwich.

You're not helping yourself.

I really don't understand here.

You're playing this little.

You're attacking my character.

Really?

The way you've responded.

The way you've responded to him is really like,

I'm honestly hurt the way you responded to this.

Wow.

Your attitude,

your defensiveness, you're digging your heels in.

You're trying to get me on a technicality.

You got a bunch of turds in your head.

I get you.

There it goes again.

Instead of a heart, you got a pile of dog shit in your chest.

You were doing a nice thing, but at the same time, it's the kind of nice thing we all do for each other constantly.

Pumping a bunch of undigested corn through your veins.

And you got a fucking, you got like a little scarecrow peanut brain filled with fucking dog shit.

That's right.

You're doing a poo joke right now.

I'm telling you about your body.

I'm telling you about it.

I'm not my body.

Blue choice sidenophil and Tadalophil tablets.

Chewable.

We already set this.

And they're made in the USA.

Nashville, Tennessee, October 1st and 2nd.

Well, listen, this weekend.

And come.town if you want to buy a t-shirt.

They are still not paying me.

They're pretending there's something wrong with the quote-unquote royalty system.

Whatever that means.

I'm sure the company that prints the shirts has just gone out of business.

Yep.

Keeping all the money.

And they're floating and they're paying themselves out before the whole thing collapses.

Sounds good.

Golden parachute.

But that means if you want a shirt, now is the chance to get it because I will not put the effort in to make figure out a way to do it.

Exactly.

Just because I have been so burned by the experience of letting somebody.

I'll tell you, when I did it myself, everybody got their fucking shirt.

I messed up maybe two orders.

Yep.

And they were switched.

Yep.

And I did what I could to make it right by blocking the emails of the people that complained.

And listen, this weekend, the 16th through the 18th, I'm in Acrami, Minneapolis.

Then next week, I'm in San Antonio for a little midweek delight.

Wednesday the 22nd, Thursday the 23rd, San Antonio, buy those tickets, tickets going fast.

And then Cleveland, Phoenix, Madison, all that kind of good shit.

Stavi.biz slash tour.

You know what I've just got a hankering for?

Is the Ben and Jerry's on the San Antonio Riverwalk.

Ooh, I think I'm going to go ahead and put that in the itinerary.

Dude, I might come down just to have some chips and salsa.

Just come down for some fucking

queso.

Some fucking

a nice river walk.

Maybe meet a big, fat Hispanic.

I'm trying to get sucked off by some big Hispanic titties.

Big fat, a Mexican family of four that weighs right around 1,800 pounds.

Average height, 4'7.

Yeah.

It's a Hispanic family, mom, dad, son, daughter, and they weigh as much as a Ford expedition

combined.

That's right.

They're like, Yeah, we're going to dinner.

You're like, it's 11:30 a.m.

They're like, Well, we already had breakfast and lunch.

The fuck is it supposed to be called?

Breakfast three?

Stupid.

Well, then, what do you call dinner?

Dinner nine, bitch.

So true.

We have breakfast, lunch, dinner, dinner two, dinner three,

dinner four,

dinner Cinco,

dinner dinner six,

dinner seven, dinner ocho, and dinner nine.

Yep.

And tell you what, Bluetooth Sudanophil and Tadalafill.

We already said that.

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And there's a special deal for our listeners.

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Gracias.

And we thank you, Bluetooth, for spoiling the pocket.

That's so funny that they wrote that in there.

And we thank you, we thank you.

Thank you, Blue Chew.

Thank you, Blue Chew.

We are so grateful that you are paying us to do a service for you.

Thank you for curtsying.

Thank you so much.

Writing your own thank you.

I actually have to

not cancel, but pause.

It's nice to let you pause the subscription.

Because Blue Chew, the whole thing is premised on you

totally overestimating how much you're going to get.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

You're like, damn, I have 900 pills now.

Yeah, I should probably pause my shit, too.

Now, I'm just going to be buried with these like a Pharaoh.

Yep.

King fuck.

King fuck uncommon.

The boy penis king.

The baby penis king.

The baby penis king.

Do not use the phrase.

No, no, don't say that.

Sorry.

Don't say all that stuff.

Yeah.

Damn, there's a lot of shit with it.

There's a lot when I was.

And we used to say that

that used to be basically the whole ad read.

It kind of feels like they listened to one of our early ad reads and said, don't do this.

Because it's an actual communication.

It's like 12 bullet points.

It's an actual medical product that you can't make sense of.

You'll like this.

When I looked up that Rosh Hashanah, the rules for Rosh Hashanah, half that article were about canceling debts

and different rules for how debts go before the Jewish court on Rosh Hashanah.

What's wrong with that?

Oh, what's wrong with that?

You want to keep people in debt?

No.

I think usually.

It's just kind of something that

it nice to cancel debts.

I just think a lot of people should maybe reread that part of the rules.

Yeah.

That's all we're saying.

How are you guys indebted to me?

Not yet.

In general.

Oh, okay.

Dude, I'm so happy.

It's almost fall.

I know.

You love fall.

I got my little reading nook.

I'll get my pipe out.

It's pipe season.

Yeah.

And it's fat guy season.

It's fat guy season.

It's track suit season.

Oh, it's all the best time of the year.

Dude.

Honestly, it.

I can't wait to get head in a cartigan.

I wish I was a father.

I would take, I would go on, I would maybe get secretly a little drunk.

Get on a tracksuit, drive my children to

somewhere, I don't know, like find a place that has one of those

antique trains that goes upside of a mountain, like a coal-burning train.

Yes, sir.

And then just

have some cider donuts.

Yeah, smoke a cigar on the train.

People tell me I can't do that.

I'm like, well, the fucking train's smoking.

Yep.

And then I'm going back in time.

And I got little airport shooters that I'm hitting.

And my kids aren't really enjoying

this trip.

But I say to them, someday I'll be dead, and you'll try and figure out what this meant.

That'll keep you going for a while.

Yeah.

I don't know if that's love, but it'll certainly be a moment in your life.

It's kind of a mystery.

You're making memories.

Yeah.

That's love.

I'm trying to think, what's a good memory I have with my father?

We We went to w when I was like four years old, we went to the Maryland State Fair and I met Raphael the ninja turtle.

Maybe when he showed you his penis and you thought, maybe one day my dick will be that big.

But then he late much later in life broke your heart by not your dick.

You know, I used to think that my dick would never reach my father's lengths.

And then, but the thing you have to remember is you're look in your memory, it's seared into your, like, through the eyes of a father.

When I was four, I saw a lot of grown men's dicks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I know, comparatively.

Yeah, yeah.

That's true.

That's true.

You got me there.

I've been what they call, I've taken a stroll around the bazaar.

And you vested.

You've got 10-year-old man.

Oh, yeah.

The merchandise.

And yeah.

You were used in a very Afghan-y way as a boy.

Yeah.

Many could say.

And I think my dick is probably, you know.

It's not.

I don't know if I would have to look at it.

I haven't seen my dad's penis in years, but I think we're probably

possible if you call him up and you're like, let's settle this one.

If your thing's bigger, I apologize.

If my thing's bigger, you apologize.

That might be the only way it's ever going to get done.

That's fair, dude.

That's the only fair way to do it.

That's one of the Rosh Hashanah rules.

Mishneh Torah, laws of charity,

gifts to the poor.

Well, it sounds terrible.

Yeah.

There are eight levels of Tzadakaga.

Tzadaka.

Shut the fuck up.

One each greater than the other.

The greatest level, higher than all the rest, is to fortify a fellow Jew and give him a gift, a loan, form within him a partnership, or find work for him until he is strong enough so that he does not need to ask others for help.

Teach a man to fish.

Exactly.

Of this, it is said.

If your kinsman being in straits comes under your authority and you hold him as though a resident alien, let him live by your side.

So basically what they're saying is your friend asks you

if your friend asks you to get him a sandwich,

not only are you supposed to build him up,

you got to get that sandwich, brother.

All right, man.

I will.

Because let's say, for example,

what this means is you're no longer Jewish.

That's fun by me.

You may think that that's a good thing, but when you strip that away and you're who you are.

And you're not Jewish.

And you're not Jewish.

A white guy that behaves like this.

A white guy that behaves like this.

Good God.

Yeah.

What is

egregious?

Terrible.

Imagine you trying to go to like an Irish pub and hang out with the way you are.

You would get the shit kicked out of you.

Still?

By the pubman.

I just put on all of that.

Imagine a bunch of Italians hanging out with you, and you're like, have you guys seen the new fucking Janice film?

The new Janice shopper movie?

Do you guys know about Criterion?

Have you seen the new Janus?

Oh, Janice Film.

Yeah, yeah.

you see that's a funny to ask

they're like what the fuck and they're they're all raping you they're all making you

watch fucking shit like toy store and your fucking cars cars too what the hell is this I've never heard a criterion I'm too stupid I'm too stupid to watch a movie I'm not a fucking intellectual that can sit down and fucking

let some movie fucking seep into his brain and not really

care or feel anything about it, but you did it.

You can check that one off the list.

Yeah, you were there.

You were on the couch.

The credits rolled.

Yep.

Kind of a metaphor for you.

For us rolled?

You out of coffee beam without a fucking sandwich.

I'm going to go pee.

I'm going to go pee right now, and I want an attitude adjustment.

Oh, you want an adjustment?

I want an attitude adjustment.

I want an attitude adjustment.

Yes, I do.

Adjust my dick, motherfucker.

Adjust it into your mouth.

You're the one who needs to change his whole fucking shit up.

I really can't believe I didn't get my apology, man.

I mean, we had him dead.

The phone call?

Yeah.

He's going to lit.

That guy crushed his whole defense.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no.

We have breakfast sandwiches all day.

All day.

We also have non-conferences.

He's like, oh, yeah, we do.

We got raps.

It's like, oh, my.

I mean, that.

Keep in mind, folks, that was the coffee bean he was at.

The exact one.

This is not.

This was not.

We didn't call corporate.

We didn't call like the fucking.

You heard him.

He said, this is Ernesto at the Two Princes Coffee Shop.

The Two Princes of Lafayette coffee shop.

Yeah.

Unreal.

Unreal.

Because you know, now you know.

Like, jokes aside, you know they had sandwiches.

I was really just fucking with him.

I was like, this will be three minutes of the podcast.

Yeah.

And he digs his heels.

And I really thought they probably don't have sandwiches.

It's probably no, I just thought it was a pastry.

It's free.

Whatever.

Yeah, they only have to fit.

He could have texted me back, but no big deal.

Right.

They have more sandwiches than I've ever heard of.

That's like what the amount of sandwiches Subway has.

Yeah.

Unbelievable stuff.

Yeah, you know, and you know.

What was it?

For real, Adam.

Be honest.

Was the sandwich too expensive?

Yeah.

What's the reason you did?

Was it an $8 sandwich?

What are you talking about?

You just thought the sandwich was a bad deal.

Be honest.

Just tell me the reason.

I looked behind the glass and I just saw pastries.

Okay.

And then I was like, all right, I'm going to get in the car and go.

He doesn't want a coffee.

So you're calling Rodrigo about the fucking board.

You're telling me behind, there was no board that lists what sandwiches they had.

You're acting like this guy on the phone, there's some secret menu at Coffee Bean that people don't know about.

Oh, I just got a

notification from the citizen app that there is a fire at the Galileo Temple.

Oh, shit.

Which I'm assuming is a synagogue.

And

it's a kitchen fire at the Galileo Temple.

So So

you're right.

Maybe there isn't a hell.

Maybe God seeks punishment for your actions on earth.

And

there's something here.

I can't help but think that these two are related.

Yeah, kitchen fire at Galileo Temple.

Why would Jews name it?

I think it's saying some kind of Italian thing, actually.

I think it's...

The hole was used by the local Sicilian community.

That's the type of Jewish.

And it was popular in its day with local anarchist groups.

What the fuck?

Okay, well, a different kind of Jewish.

I've never heard of this in my life.

So, yeah.

So, finish the question that Nick was asking you, Adam.

Okay,

Adam, also you probably want to talk about your underwear for a while.

No, I don't want to talk about my underwear.

Get the second piece of paper.

Unfair.

Get the second piece of paper out.

I was asking you if you're not.

Get it out now.

Stop.

Okay, that's Honestly, that's the most egregious part of your defense.

Why?

You're acting like you're some fucking saint for asking if you want a coffee.

We all ask each other if we want coffees if we're going to get fucking coffee.

It's a nice thing.

It's a nice thing that I've got.

It's a baseline thing.

You don't get fucking credit for being nice.

If you're not nice, you're a piece of shit.

Everyone should just be nice.

Okay?

Yeah.

I buy lunch whenever we go out.

I buy lunch whenever there's an opportunity.

We get lunch all the time.

We buy lunch, too.

We buy lunches.

Okay?

And we always ask for coffee.

You're a busy guy.

We buy a bunch.

Stop thinking about what to wear.

Just embrace the rad.

You're a busy guy.

So stop thinking about what to wear and just embrace the radically efficient Mac Weldon daily wearing.

Daily wear system.

The Daily Wear system is a selection of clothes rooted in smart design.

Daily wear system was that?

Like Trevor Noah's fucking

his clothes.

Yeah.

The Daily Show, Daily.

The show wear system.

And he's like, oh, Brof, look,

I'm going to Mac Weldon, and I'll go to Durag for my, you know, a businessman's do-rag.

A business durag.

And I was born in

South Africa.

But from the looks of me, you'd think I was born in fucking the rest of Africa.

For folks.

South Africa.

I mean, I guess, yeah, you could have been born in the rest of Africa.

Yeah, Daily Wear System.

And let's move on.

I'm Trevor Noah, and the Daily Wear.

Daily Wear System.

It's a selection of clothes rooted in smart design,

made with performance fabrics and bit with work together.

From breathable t-shirts and polos, stylish button ups and shorts, underwear and beyond.

Mac welding makes it easy for you to dress for work, leisure, and play, or wherever your summer takes you, be it to jail for child pornography.

Order the coffee bin to ignore polite requests from a friend to purchase him a sandwich.

Talk about your favorite Mac welding products.

Let's see.

I like the underwear.

Now, these, I'll tell you one thing about Mac Weldon

is they give me a, there's a separate promo code, not

Come Town 20, which is your promo code, but a separate one that gets me the shit for free.

What the fuck?

Where's mine?

Yeah, you haven't told us about that.

Because it's extremely complicated, and then every time I went to it.

Wow, this is the Good Friend Olympics today.

You know what?

I negotiated.

I was just going to say, I feel okay.

Okay.

All right.

It's also not clicking ass.

It's not limited.

He does all the work with the ads.

He gets to have a couple extra pairs of underwear.

It's usually like a $75 credit or something.

It's mostly so I buy the shit and then I talk about liking it.

But for a while, the underwear that I liked was sold out, and then I kind of slept on it.

And then what happens is...

The fucking code they give me expires.

So it's like, you have a month to buy underwear.

And it's like, well, I don't even know if I'm going to shit the ones I have.

I know, and I only get underwear if I shit in it.

I know.

I'm trying to pair because I was switching all of my shit over to Mac Weldon, but then you kind of need, I feel like I need underwear that just gets filled with like to get shit in it to get shit, and you kind of piss yourself a little bit a little bit, sure.

Because

you use it to wipe calm.

Putting a fresh pair of Mac Weldons on, they feel nice.

It makes me feel like fucking James Bond.

Absolutely.

Which is going to be a black lady, though.

Yeah.

Can you believe that?

Mac Weldon.

But she wears Mac Weldon.

Black Weldon.

Black Laydens.

From breathable t-shirts and polos and style.

We said that already.

But I like the daily, whatever their three-pack is

with the flat collars.

Yes.

Those are nice.

That's my shit.

Yeah.

Breathable.

Honestly, the best on the weekend.

They got sweatshorts that'll fucking tickle your nuts, too.

The ace sweatshorts have modern tailoring and prayer perfectly.

There you go.

For the ultimate lazy Sunday.

The Ultimate Lazy Sunday.

The Ace sweatshirts.

Now, see, I hate that shit.

Fuck a lazy Sunday.

You've got to work hard constantly.

Get the Ace sweatpants, but then you...

Go to work.

Drive as fast as you can in your car on the highway.

That's one of the things I like to do as a millionaire, a jet-set millionaire fucking businessman.

Yep.

Is speeding.

Speeding on drugs.

On drugs and my ace sweatshorts.

Actually, I do need a new pair of shorts, so I might go.

Let's go.

Let's hear the radius shorts.

That's the thing that they're offering now.

Let's take a look at that and you know what for weekend travels both near and far the silver knit polo

amazing radius shorts are the perfect high-tech hydrogen what is it called wolf of wall street um oh mac weldon yeah

yeah

yeah yeah i'm gonna look up macweldon.com too because i actually need new i need to i need to re-up on all the underwear yeah

they really do have a lot of great stuff oh so the pace set or shop the story this is the new thing they got here now Some guy running around in a

bunch of fucking flowers.

Smart workout gear engineered for what really moves you.

Which the only reason to work out is to.

Yeah, listen,

I'm a fucking traditional guy.

I like the 18-hour jersey boxer briefly.

Yeah, dude, that shit's money.

It's good shit.

That's sort of the Coke classic, and then the rest of the shit is like vanilla Coke or whatever.

The new arrival.

They got a whole fucking lineup.

You can get a good.

I've never tried it.

They come a long way, dude.

It's hard to even call this a fucking underwear company.

They're not.

It's t-shirts.

I feel like these wets.

I feel like they don't even want us to say that.

It's a basics company.

Let's see what the whole new arrival is.

Now, the briefs.

They got those too.

If you're European or your penis isn't cut or whatever.

Well, I'm both, and I still go back to briefs.

No, you wear tidy whiteys.

I don't.

Yeah, you do.

You're like, you're like, where the hell are you?

With tidy whiteys with suspenders.

No idea.

That's cute.

Where the hell?

I'm trying to eat.

And you eat cottage cottage cheese in your claw foot tub and yell at your fat wife

in your Lower East Side tenement.

And she yells at you about being no good.

Stop, Rose.

Get out of the tub.

Yeah, Sharo.

Fuck you.

I should have listened to my mother.

I'm reading the funny papers in it.

I wish you would have, you fucking bitch.

I'm trying to read the fucking cartoons.

You're no good.

Everything you touch turns to shit, Stop Rose.

Fuck you.

You're a two-time loser.

All right, let's see shorts.

Maybe if I had a little fucking support in my own house.

The Maverick Tech Chino shorts.

Wow.

Radius short.

That looks new.

The Maverick shorts, that's obviously a tribute to John McCain.

Sweatshirts.

Deceased John McCain.

Dude, I had way too many fucking shorts, and then I was like, I got to pair these down.

I donated some of them to the Goodwill.

And then I realized I gave away all of my shorts.

Zero shorts, though.

I have one pair of shorts, but they got a giant fucking hole in the pocket.

That sucks.

Yeah.

So I need new shorts.

That freaking effing sucks.

They need to make shorts with a

reinforced pocket so you can put knives in there.

Yes.

Yep.

So they got the Radius short, the Maverick Tech Chino short, the Ace sweat short, two-pack A sweat shorts, Stratus Active short.

These all look pretty good.

A lot of good stuff.

You know, I don't really know much about it.

They got fucking gators.

Yeah,

scarves.

Swim trunks.

Bags.

Wallets.

They got tech cashmere gloves.

Their stealth boxer briefs are also listed in the swim trunk section.

You can go swimming in them.

You can go skinny dipping.

Yep.

Long underwear.

That's coming up.

You're going to need a pair of long jaws.

If you're new to the city, a lot of folks, they listen to this show and they move here and be like, stop.

That's right.

I need long underwear for the winter.

You're going to need long underwear.

More than a jacket, more than anything.

Look,

Adam can tell you, the first couple years I was here, I was going around nothing but a hoodie and jeans, and I stayed warm.

And that's because I wore fucking longs.

Long Johns, and then also a layer of duct tape,

which you can get at MacWeldon.com.

Check out the duct tape section.

The silver-knit duct tape.

Silver-knit duct tape, antimicrobial.

Yeah, I missed the days where the read was all about the antimicrobial shit.

Anti-micro.

Imagine a guy named Mike Robial, and he's like, I smell like shit

because I'm covered in microbes.

And that's my name, Mike Robe.

Dirty Jobs with Mike Robial.

Microbial.

Mike Robial.

So buy some time.

So...

Excuse me?

Oh, it's not.

Go ahead.

What?

No.

Okay.

So.

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Visit Macweldon.com slash Come Town 20 and enter promo code COMETOWN20.

That's Macweldon.com slash Come Town 20.

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Mac Weldon, radically efficient wardrobing.

Horrible.

Oh my God.

What?

What was wrong with that?

I tried to do like an announcement.

You sound like you're reading off the piece of paper.

That's what I was doing.

That's not how you don't.

It's got to sound natural.

Mm-hmm.

Watch out.

So you do it.

He's about to.

This is coming from a guy that has done maybe two or three radio spots.

Okay, so do it.

Do it.

I'm what they call in the business a pro.

This man's been on Fox News' Red Eye.

I was on Fox News.

I was in a Geico radio spot.

Yeah, that's right.

That's what you should stop paying me for at some point.

Buy some time this summer with Mike William Dillavers.

20% off your first order, visit MacWillen.com.

Sash comes on 20.

Intent to promo code penis.nazi.

That's MacPenis.ass.

And fuck me and my pussy.

That's pretty good.

And I don't even need to look at it.

I don't even need to.

You did better than that.

I got it down.

I admit it.

I'm

seeing.

This is a big fuck you to everyone out there in Radio City.

Show me a penis and let me suck your tits.

That's right.

MacBlub.com/slash ComeTown20.

Annie, are you okay?

Can I fuck you?

Let me fuck you, Annie.

Annie, can I fuck you?

Can I fuck you and your pussy, Annie?

Let me see your pussy.

Let me fill it with my penis, honey.

And I cannot fuck you.

And your pussy.

Can I fuck you, Annie?

Can I see your pussy?

And I can I fuck you.

Can I fuck you?

Can I fuck you, Annie?

And I can fuck you and your pussy.

Let me smell you, pussy.

Does it smell like the Renos?

Your pussy.

Let me sniff it, honey.

I wanna have like a hidden camera show.

Mm-hmm.

And

like you know, you just go as you film it across the street and I want like a long stick with a big like cartoon nose on the end like a big foam nose and I'm just like putting it to like on women's vaginas yeah from like 15 feet away social experiment yeah and then

it's a nose it's like a big giant nose

so you're smelling wires coming out of it that go to my own nose so you could smell their pussy yeah so I'm just I've got this like big that's hooked up and it's doing like a

it's scrunching like it's sniffing

yeah yeah it's like a boom mic for a nose

mic then it goes to my nose first the wires go to a backpack, and there's like lights on the computer.

It's like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

And it goes to my nose.

Right.

And then there's a speaker on the back that's like,

filthy.

It's disgusting.

Disgusting.

Yeah.

Nice pussy.

Nice pussy, bitch.

Your pussy smells tasty.

And then people are like, what are you doing?

And I'm like, it's a hidden camera.

Look over there and there and there.

Even though you're holding it.

Yeah.

You're holding the camera.

You're holding it.

I'm holding a camera.

Oh, and the nose.

I've got a GoPro on my head.

I'm like, it's a hidden camera.

It's hidden.

They're like, yeah,

clear you're filming this.

What's the name of the show?

It's called Smelling Women's Pussies.

The Pussy Smell-o-Vision Hour?

Yeah, it's called Impractical Pussy Smellers.

Yeah, we should do Impractical Pussy Smellers.

That'd be a good idea.

We could probably get, listen, we could probably get Sal Volcano to appear.

Go to Equinox and like

snake the thing into a yoga class.

I don't want to brag, but I'll text Sal Volcano and say, I have an idea.

It's impractical pussy smellers.

Can you get us a spin-off?

That'd be pretty cool.

If you got True TV on board, I think we could do it.

We could do anything we want.

Yeah.

Pooh TV.

Yeah.

Pooh TV.

Shit on ourselves.

We could take a shit.

We could go to the bathroom.

Yeah, it's just people pooing the entire time.

It's not bad.

Yep.

What about a reality show about people that fold paper airplanes?

Like

Asian people that are really good at it?

Just regular phones.

Just regular folders.

I mean, Asian people fall under the umbrella of regular phone.

No, but they like do origami, so I would assume that they'd be really good at paper airplanes.

Not every Asian does origami.

I'm saying the ones that do.

The paper folding experts.

Adam does snore a gami.

He tells a story.

He's got so many unnecessary twists and turns that you fall asleep listening to him.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I do do that.

Adam, here comes another one of Adam's lullabies.

Oh, it looks like I got a text.

From who?

From Stavros.

I'm sorry about

what I said about you being a good friend.

You weren't.

All right, thank you.

You were sure the text.

I didn't have to read it on the show.

I didn't have to read it.

I didn't text you shit.

I didn't have to read it on the show.

I didn't text you shit, and you owe me an apology for your conduct this morning.

I apologize.

How do we report Adam to the government of Texas for trying to get an abortion?

That's true.

I'm going to do that.

Can we report your ex-girlfriend?

Who?

We don't have to say.

The Chinese one that got an abortion.

Jesus fucking Christ.

What time frame is that?

We We got to beep that whole thing.

We have to beep that whole thing.

56, 58, it was when you said it.

How are they going to fucking know who I'm talking about?

Yeah, they know.

Pretty easily, actually.

They know.

They actually do know.

100%.

Do they live in Texas?

It doesn't matter.

The internet, you could be anywhere.

I mean, you know that, right?

Texas is given bounties.

That's so fucking wild.

Yeah.

Just like if you got an abortion, snitch on this person and you get 10 grand.

It's $10,000.

I will absolutely tell.

Yeah, they got Chuck Norris down there.

Do they take some

real Texas Ranger to get it?

Walker, bitch tell her on.

What's the Walker, Texas Ranger theme?

I don't remember.

Walker, Texas Ranger.

Walker, Texas Ranger.

It turns out this bitch got an abortion.

Walker.

A girl got got raped by her dad, and she had to get an abortion.

Well, I better get my bags.

Well, I'm going to get 10 G's and then she's going to have a little accident with her brake

break line.

Maybe we can get her pregnant again and create even more

money.

So you snitch on somebody?

Yeah,

yeah.

Oh, I remember.

Oh, yeah, this is fucking good.

Good theme.

In the eyes of a ranger, the unsuspecting stranger had better know the truth of wrong from right.

Cause the eyes of the ranger are upon you.

Any wrong you do, he's gonna see

when you're in Texas.

Look behind you,

cause that's where the rangers gonna be.

It's awesome.

And he's just kicking pregnant women.

This is the louder version.

This is when they had to make the show louder because the audience entered their late 80s

and they couldn't hear.

Big Samoan says, fuck you to Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

What?

Who's that?

Just

a random guy.

I don't know.

I don't know, man.

Because the eyes of a ranger are upon you.

We didn't play enough music there.

Yeah, Any wrong you do, he's gonna see.

He's gonna suck your penis.

He's gonna suck your penis and fuck your asshole.

And then he's gonna send you to jail for being gay.

The eyes of a penis gets me horny.

The eyes of your penis makes me penis.

I'm a fucking fag, I am Chuck Norris.

And when you fuck me at kung fu, the legend continues.

When I get my dick sucked by a man's dick,

it makes

me horny.

Honestly, I love this.

Really good.

What is this?

It's a theme song from Come Fruit the Legends.

Oh, really?

Madam.

If you want the legend to continue this week, you can go to patreon.com slash

town.

Absolutely.

Otherwise, otherwise, suck our cocks.

Or come see us live.

Come see me live.

Come see Adam Live.

Buy a t-shirt.

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