Ep. 275 – oh look its adam

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and as few as nine months you could start making a difference in healthcare classes start soon in pleasant hill san leandro and san jose visit carrington.edu to see what's next for you visit carrington.edu slash sei for information on program outcomes for a pedophile organization wait no joke yeah i saw that too i was like i don't know who the fuck this guy is dude you know what's funny and we're recording by the way

again noah berlaski did what i don't even know fully who he is but he does comms for a pedophile organization for like Nambla or something.

Or not Nambla, but some shit like that.

It's got a different name.

I'll tell you, and I don't know, she probably doesn't even want me mentioning this on the show, but

like

major, like, I don't know what you props, respect.

Props, respect, but like,

Amber called that shit years ago.

People are saying years ago, because Amber's not the kind of person to be like, that guy's a pedophile.

In fact, he's against the whole accusing somebody or like, you know,

like sexually pathologizing somebody based on their like politics or actions or whatever.

Right.

Noah is the only person I can think of where she was ever like, something's up with that guy.

She's like, that guy's probably a pedophile.

That's awesome.

And that was the only person I can even think of that Amber's

shot from the hip on.

Apparently, Liz Brunig said it publicly like months ago.

Respect.

Called her shot too.

Yeah,

that's

turning around after you shot the three-point shit.

She puts some pretty nice pastries on the internet.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

One of the funniest, and I don't, I like Liz, so I don't want to make the problem worse.

She posted a picture of her breastfeeding one time.

Oh, boy.

Like, one of the all-read

guys responded with that picture of the frog in the tuxedo with the eyes,

the long eyes coming out, looking at the breast teeth.

Fucking Christ, man.

Yeah.

That's so fucking good.

Yeah, so I don't know who this guy who is.

I don't know.

He's some guy that we're going to be able to do that.

Yeah, he's one of those

people.

Everyone seems to hate him.

Yeah, they're supposed to be.

Be glad he's a pedophile.

That next

boy.

Damn, yeah.

Welcome to the conversation.

Welcome back to Cometown.

Welcome back to Cometown 2021.

We're here.

There's a lot to catch up on.

I was doing one with my boys this morning.

We've got to remember to actually do the reads on this one because the last one.

The one we just did this morning was supposed to be the regular one.

Which you guys will hear on premium episodes.

Which you guys can go to, you can find by going to youtube.com and typing in

stolen

Patreon episodes

with

musical guest Don Henley.

Yeah.

Yeah, because here's the thing, guys.

If you go to YouTube, you can steal the premium episodes of the show, but

you're going to be missing on all of the audio content, the cuss words, the cuss words, the licensed music that we like to play.

Patreon.com, you can hear all of Don Henley's music in its entirety.

Yeah,

his entire catalog.

Everything, every week I stole his private journal, and I'm reading it.

And we're not afraid of Don.

Yeah.

We're also going to play.

We're also going to play the Beatles.

Don't make me

suck my dick.

Tell me it's better.

Check on my little dick.

I know I'm not the songs kind of.

Patreon.com.

Patreon.com slash come town.

Listen, if you think

the quality of the show will get better because

you unsubscribe,

the exact opposite.

Don't test us.

This is a kamikaze mission.

Yeah, yeah, we're going to draw the quality of the show loads.

We win either way.

Mexican standards.

We give us five dollars.

Either we're free, either the show tanks and we get to live regular lives again, or we get rich.

Okay?

But it's one or the other, motherfuckers.

So the quality will continue to be worse until the money shoots back up.

It's like that Pink Floyd song.

The beatings will keep going on your dick.

The boys are back in town.

Yeah, I love that one.

I love that trip.

Yeah, that song.

It's one of the most classic.

Dude, I love dropping Sid

and just watching The Wizard of Oz.

Dude, I love

my third eye.

I'm playing The Boys of Vacant.

It's a song

comfortably numb.

Yeah, it's like it reminds me of drugs.

It reminds you of your asshole before a guy pounds it.

Yeah, once I've been taking poppers and

putting icy hot directly on my asshole.

Speaking of pedophile, no, the who.

The who is a.

Townsend.

One of the guys in the pedophile.

In the whole pedown.

Townsend was.

Well, he's not a pedophile.

He was doing research for a book.

That's why he had to have all that child pornography.

This is the looking at child pornography song.

Just torrenting, just gigabyte, gigabyte after gigabyte.

Just that

flying off a porn.

Hell yeah, dude.

Oh shit.

Remix the fucking buff of remix.

Lio Vici.

Suck my dick, fuck my hands.

Suck my penis.

Suck on my dick and fuck my hands.

Suck my penis, please.

Welcome back, everybody.

It was a month away from

the show.

Not for you guys.

No, you've had the show on time every week.

On time.

Uploaded, with the exception of one day where I forgot

until probably 11 p.m.

We're pretty good guys.

At that point, I almost didn't upload it on time because I was watching The Assassination of Jesse James by the coward Robert Ford.

Pretty good movie.

I'm going to watch that movie.

That movie's come up so often.

It's really good over the last five years.

I brought it up over and over again.

Okay.

I saw it when it came out, and I remember it being like

it was praised.

Everyone said it was amazing.

And I watched it when it came out, and and it did nothing for me.

Like I didn't understand what the appeal was.

And then I watched it again in the last year.

And I think I've said this on the show before.

But it is truly a good movie.

Is that so?

Is that how you would categorize it?

I love guys like that.

You'd be like stuck talking to them all the time.

They would deliver just the most banal statements with such gravitas.

Nice and gravitas.

It is.

We went to lunch, and I have to tell you, listen to me right now, it was a terrific sandwich.

The fries

were crispy.

It was really good.

It was good.

Yeah, maybe I'll watch that fucking movie, man.

Yeah.

It's nice to be back, dude.

Back.

I was in fucking Greece.

I'm in fucking Portland.

You guys like what I've done with the place?

It looks great, dude.

Cleaned it up.

It honestly does look great.

Yeah.

Yeah, Nick cleaned his apartment while we were gone.

It's looking good.

The lamp is in the right place.

You got a coffee table.

I'm in his new room.

You had the coffee.

The coffee table has been.

I know.

It never made any sense.

But I got a nice chair for over here, an ottoman.

That's good.

You know what it is?

Your stuff.

You've always had this stuff, but it's in a place that makes sense now.

Yeah.

Everything in your apartment made no sense.

Yeah.

You had like fucking weights in your bedroom.

You didn't have a bed.

Yeah.

You had the racing wheel just kind of around.

Now you've got it.

Now it's got its own dedicated.

Now he has a race car section of the business.

Now you've got a a swoleatorium.

You got your little fucking...

That's awesome.

Yeah.

Get do fucking squats in that bitch.

Yep.

You fucking came up, dude.

Perfect timing for the show to fail and then I can't afford this apartment anymore.

No, no, no.

It's good.

Don't worry.

No, I'll have to be out outside sucking dick to afford Switch games.

To afford my Nintendo subscription.

That would be funny.

That's a dark thought, brother.

So you played Breath of the Wild.

It's good.

Have you played N-word Sword yet?

The new one?

I have not.

I have a hard time believing that's what it's called.

I think that's what it's called.

It's called.

Are you thinking Inner Sword?

No, N-word and N-word, I think, is Skyward N-word, I think, is the name.

It's something like that.

So you think you're saying it's N-W-O-R-N-S-W?

I think it's called The Legend of Zelda.

Oh, that's just what it is?

The Legend of Zelda colon.

I don't think it is, man.

I don't know.

I haven't heard of that game, but it sounds pretty fun.

I mean, all the games are good.

Yeah, I guess Princess Zelda has been kidnapped by

and they're raping her.

No, they're good guys.

In the back of a Cadillac.

They're good guys.

No, it's not in a Cadillac either.

They don't have cars.

Yeah.

They have cars, but they're not necessarily Cadillacs.

They've used black magic to kidnap Princess Zelda.

Okay.

And they're making her take that dick all over the place.

Okay, dude, that's

demons.

It looks like it's called Skyward Sword.

Oh, okay.

So it's not called.

Oh, speaking of that word,

did you guys watch the.

Yeah, they were just saying the n-word

every telegraph was just different length n-words?

Yeah, yeah, it was all cussing.

I watched the Woodstock 99 documentary, and they had this like faggot New York Times like music journalist critic guy.

And it was this, it was the DMX performance.

And DMX told me about that.

I was glad to imagine the day DMX died, and the local news guy being like,

DMX, what y'all want?

The legendary rapper is dead.

He gets fired.

Yeah, he gets fired.

But imagine

for a second.

Didn't somebody do that with Biggie's birthday?

Did they?

I want to say someone might, someone I believe, did something racist for Biggie's birthday a couple years ago.

Nick Man X.

Or like a journalist, or

maybe even like a fucking weatherman.

Oh, God.

Anyway, so they were like, DMX was doing like a big call and response section of

his performance, and the entire hundred thousand people were just shouting the N-word.

It was all white.

What I heard is he gave them tacit permission to speak.

Well, and then, so, this, this New York Times guy is like,

and

to imagine like the feelings that DMX was having when he found out that his audience were N-word sayers.

And he used the term N-word sayers

to describe, but like, A, to like, to like,

that's what they like claiming.

Here's the true story of Woodstock's

Sayers.

First of all, he's a New York Times journalist and he said N-ward Sayers.

Second of all, to claim that DMX went backstage to cry afterwards.

Nward Sayers.

That sounds like one of those.

Muffy the N-word Sayer.

No, it sounds like

a Midwestern author.

No, it sounds like a reply guy that listens to our show.

That's like Richard N.

Words, of course.

No, but if you imagine it's a proper name and not just somebody that, yes, of course.

Yeah, yeah.

Of course, it is a reply.

It's funny that Twitter turned into that.

Yeah.

Twitter used to be you just post things and you would get replies from people you were friends with.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just

people are just trying to be friends.

Yeah.

People are trying to be friends in one of the most pathetic ways possible.

One of the saddest ways.

Yeah.

Oh, I had a good one.

You tweet anything and there's like immediately 50 replies.

Yeah.

Yeah, but you just don't even fucking read them.

Half of them turn off your half of them.

I don't even understand.

I honestly do not read shit, dude.

I'll post and go.

Yeah, I just get notifications.

Yeah, exactly.

Um, here, here's the one for you guys: tell me if you like this.

Lady Gaga

has replied that.

Yeah, we're mutuals.

I'm moofus with Lady Gaga.

Yeah, I think she's a good singer.

She's a good singer.

She's got a nice nod.

How about Lady Kaka?

Is she made of shit?

Is she made of shit or does she shit herself?

Both of it.

Every option.

As many iterations as we can have of Lady Kaka, the better.

Maybe her pussy's filled with shit.

What are some of Lady Gaga's songs?

You're hot and you're cold.

Not that skinny berry again.

And fight and makeup.

That's literally the same song.

I'm made a doo-doo.

Like a plastic bag.

floating in the wind in the bag.

And the bag is full of shit, and I'm going to stuff it in my content.

I'm going to put it in my pussy is fucking cocky.

You shit in my mouth and my pussy.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

Wake me up

when September ends

the 9-11 at Green Day's Green Day song.

Really cool.

I'm game.

That guy's name is Billy Joel Armstrong.

That is pretty good.

Yeah.

Yeah, my name is

fucking Michael Jackson Aldrin.

And I'm a musician.

And an astronaut.

I'm an astronaut.

Yeah, but if you guys like Billy Joel, get a load of this.

What if he was also fucking

Billy Hole and he was gay?

Well, Neil Armstrong.

Oh, okay, okay.

The first astronaut to win the tour to France.

Oh, that's true.

Yeah, look, man, I'm not really.

It's a successful family.

They got a bike guy, they got a moon guy, they got a black guy.

Yeah, the Armstrongs.

Oh, yeah, they play the saxophone, or the

guy.

What does he play?

Trumpet?

Trumpet, yeah.

I love sucking pussy.

I give you five bucks.

The way you fuck my hair.

you piss on me.

I have

HIV.

Have you guys ever been pissed on?

Have I asked you this before?

Well, is squirt pee?

I think depending on how hard the squirt comes out.

Because I've definitely gotten busted in my face before.

It's funny to be like...

By squirt, not by cum to all you guys out there.

The thing about it is you're fucking a girl and then she squirts.

You're a fucking girl and then then she squirts and then the girl's like i just squirted and then you're like no that's just pee no i just i was pissing in your pussy yeah yeah

she's like it's not just pee they don't know i'm like no no no i just pissed no i've been holding it in for a while i just let it go yeah i wanted to rush over here to have sex i was gonna stop at a gas station but then i got a fucking an icy yeah and i forgot to piss i forgot to piss

and i just kind of took this You know how your dick gets hard?

You're telling her, you're like, you know how your dick gets hard when you have to piss sometimes.

So I just decided, fuck it, let's put the piss bone or pussy.

I thought you would be plugged by my dick, and that the piss would just go into where your piss is stored.

Right, right, right.

You would piss it out later and be none the wiser.

And no one would ever know.

Sort of a Danny Ocean scenario.

Right.

Where instead of stealing, I'm putting in, instead of stealing something desirable, I'm giving you something undesirable, my piss.

Sort of an Ocean's 11 kind of situation.

Ocean's 4.5.

Yeah.

Nicknamed after your dick size, Nick.

Because you're the guy in this hypothetical.

It's not me.

If it was me, it would be Ocean 6 and 1 quarter.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've never finished this.

I feel like we have this exact same conversation.

I sucked a man's dick.

I still want to do a puzzle.

He fucked my ass.

I've been talking about doing that puzzle

for months.

You don't want to do it.

I do.

What puzzle do you have?

I don't.

No, that was.

Somebody gave me that as like a joke.

A Disney puzzle.

Yeah, I don't want to do that one.

I want to do...

An adult one?

No, I want to do something like...

Yeah, I would do a puzzle if there's tits on it.

Yeah, yeah.

I want you to get to see them.

I did a nice one of a man playing accordion for a dog, a man in a raincoat playing accordion for a dog.

Oh, that's nice.

But I want like a heraldic theme or some kind of like mid-Heraldo Rivera.

Some kind of feudal,

big heraldic with knights and castles and stuff.

That'd be cool.

That's the kind of puzzle I want to do.

Yeah.

The problem with puzzles is you never get to like, you just got to destroy them at the end.

But the finish.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Wait, you just leave them out forever?

You laminate them and hang them on the wall, dude.

You put them on the wall.

Everybody knows that.

Everyone.

Really?

Yeah, everybody does that.

Ah, fuck, dude.

I fuck for the listeners.

I completely fucked my back up sleeping on these fucked up little Greek mattresses.

And then I was traveling so much, I haven't had time to heal.

So I'm playing through the pain.

It hurts when I laugh, actually, which literally is hard for me.

Wow, that's sad.

You know, I love joy.

I love mercy.

I love laughter.

I do.

Oh, can I do my song that I've been trying to tell you guys?

Yeah, please.

Okay, it's...

I am a sinner.

I think I want to have gay sex.

Lord, forgive me.

That's really good.

Lord, forgive me.

I think I'm about to have gay sex.

Yeah, that was.

I just want to suck a bone.

Something like that.

Yeah.

It's

Kendrick Lamar.

People say it's

one of the smartest people in America.

Kendik I suck.

Kendik I suck?

Yeah.

Yeah.

The answer is yes.

The answer to that query, my friend, is yes.

I'm a penis.

I want to get sucked by a man.

That's a rich new vein, the perspective of a gay penis.

Oh, wow.

We haven't explored that.

I'm a penis.

I want to be in a man's ass.

Yeah, that'd be funny to do like a one-man stage, two-act stage play of like a gay man's penis.

You have like a dick outfit on.

You go out on stage and you're just chain smoking, like kind of hunched over.

Like, of all the fucking guys I got to be attached to, there's got to to be a fucking gay guy.

Just fucking homo.

There's nothing I want more in this world than to be shoved into a fucking pussy.

What does life give me?

Shit.

Shit, in this city filled with shit, Brooklyn, with your dirty streets and dirty people, HIV coursing through my veins.

That's really good.

That's a decent

just brooding.

This is just an Italian way for me.

Let me get pussy one time.

One day, but I'm saving up.

I got a plan.

I got a plan, all right.

He's just like, you know, hiding his like bits of money from like a

like a female pussy that's his wife for some reason.

Or a female penis.

Just the woman penis.

Like, where you are you going to work?

Of course I'm going to work.

And he's like, well, he gets like called out.

Like the gay guy has to go to like the HIV doctor so he's not having sex that day.

So he comes home, and the wife's like, she's not cheating on him, but she's flirting with him with like a

dick that's like a police officer or something.

Right, right.

And he's like, you respect that guy, huh?

I can see it in your eyes.

You know, he's not just gathering shit all day.

You know, he's not cleaning shit out of his foreskin.

He's not.

He doesn't have a fucking wife because he's got a real job.

Some of us have to do it.

And he gets pussy at work.

What do you do all day?

You're just on camera attached to a trans woman.

Oh, Archie, don't go so hard on me.

You get jacked off by nice-smelling lotions all day on OnlyFans while I'm over here in men's asses

in the trenches.

In the trenches, putting food on the fucking table.

Up to my knees.

I know,

up to my knees.

But if I was like a multi-billionaire, I'd I'd be doing stuff like that.

Dude, that's

bullying theaters in New York to do those kinds of plays.

We can get them black and white.

The name of the play would be Legend of Zelda: the N-word sword.

And it would be branded exactly like all Nintendo stuff.

Just get sued for your advertising campaign.

The play closes before one.

They'll find like a very good actor.

He's got this dickhead flopping around.

He's like, so what?

It's got to be all on me, huh?

Yeah, dude.

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And you guys don't know this, but part of the tension in the hypothetical dick we just described is that it could be a hard time.

His wife doesn't get hard.

His dad's retired.

He goes to see his dad.

He used to fuck a lot.

Right.

He stopped working.

and he's like dad you were one of the best he's like you know you know i'm attached to a guy who's 27 years old right

yeah i worked hard but i blew we got blown out with cocaine cocaine yeah we moved to florida retired at blue chew.com at blue chew.com so i'm going to talk about blue chew for a second by directing adam to talk about blue chew for a second that's awesome Adam?

Adam?

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My problem is

I often come before my dick even begins to get hard.

Yeah.

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I'm not familiar with Wario Stadium.

Yeah, not many people are, but if you play as Yoshi, you can jump over to the second half of the track

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And that's what you would consider busting before your dick even gets sort of hard.

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I will tell you this right now.

Yes.

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Yep.

I like to.

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Let me tell you something.

I'm a cocksucker.

Folks, I suck cock.

I've been sucking cock here at the car dealership

since before they told me it wasn't my job.

I was doing it because I thought it was my job.

Listen,

they hired me here.

They hired you to suck cock at the car with them.

At Davis Toyota in fucking Fond du Lac, Wisconsin.

They hired me here.

Yeah.

Actually, you're from Fond du Sack, Wisconsin.

1987.

Adam, can I get a little something for that?

You're over here looking at it.

That was good.

I say you're from Fond dul Sack, Wisconsin.

Apparently, the hole in my kitchen ceiling will not be being fixed this week.

So that's good.

It's probably not going to rain.

The sales manager.

There's no way that there's a hurricane coming right now.

The sales manager at the time said, we're looking for, he was coked out of his mind.

He said to me, we're hiring salespeople.

We're looking for for real cocksuckers.

And you took it in a literal sense.

I took it literally.

Yeah, they thought you mean like someone with low morals.

I had been selling cars for 10 years at that point.

I was married, but I needed a job.

So you just had a discharge.

You already, you had experience selling cars.

I had a different dealership that closed.

I got hired.

So you didn't even try and just sell cars?

I sold myself.

I was selling a GT my first day.

look good for you.

And the guy said, that's great job, but we need two.

You need to keep going.

Like I said, we're looking for real cocksuckers here.

And when he said it the second time, that's when I sealed the deals.

And, you know, I had my own cubicle, so I had been blowing customers.

The first couple of times I cried.

Fuck.

It was hard for you to.

It was hard, but

that was.

And they were just down.

Just out of curiosity,

the guys you sucked, they were all down.

What was the clientele?

I'll tell you what, in 2003, it was two years after the towers fell.

They hired a guy named Vikram Singh who had a very colorful turban.

And the general manager of the dealership, he's a family guy.

Naturally, he was a little concerned.

Of course.

So they knocked out all the walls and the cubicles and put in fucking glass so we could keep an eye on him.

To make sure he wasn't doing terrorism.

To make sure.

It was two years after the towers.

Of course.

You can't be sure.

You can't be too sure.

You can't be too safe.

You know, I had been salesman of the month going on, you know,

the whole two years.

Yeah, yeah, the whole two years.

At this point, because I was basically in a permanent state of trauma.

Right.

You know, my wife had left me because, I mean, she didn't even know about the cocksucking, but she'd look into my eyes and see nothing.

Something was missing there.

She saw a broken man where once there was a strong provider for

the boiling gelatinous mess of memories that refused to form themselves permanently in my head as I thought about all the men whose cocks I was forced to suck just to sell a couple of Toyotas.

I guess what I'm confused about is not your well they put the glass in and then everybody saw me blowing some guy

and they you know they said look you know

We've been here with this the whole time.

Back in 87 we could tell you we don't hire fags at this place.

Right.

But this is a new age, we don't have the towers anymore.

2003

2003.

We can still call people fags, but we can't fire them for it.

Now, what the hell are you doing?

And I said, Remember, Mike?

They're like, Yeah, the guy that had a heart attack back in 1991.

I said, Yeah, he said we were looking for real cocksuckers.

And they were like, That's an expression.

Right.

And then we slowly panned to my face and zoomed in.

You were filming a kind of documentary documentary

office-style document.

And then we took a look at Jim.

And then Jimmy

was like, And Jim was puffing out his cheeks and raising his eyebrows at the camera.

And that was the classic Jim, somebody's been sucking cock when they didn't have to face.

So it was 12 years of this.

And I call that my 12 years a slave.

12 years a sex slave.

So when that movie came out, it was so triggering.

I had a manic episode and tore off all my clothes and they found me in Appleton drinking my own piss in a Chinese buffet.

Get out of town.

But luckily, Workers' Cop covered the whole thing.

That is really lucky.

So I've been in therapy now.

I go three times a day.

It's about $86,000 a month.

Workers' Cop covered you having a mental breakdown off the clock at 12 years a slave and drinking your own piss in a Chinese buffet at Appleton.

I think that makes sense to me.

You know, because I signed a waiver saying that it's, it's,

you know, we're going to say it's nobody's fault.

They call it a no-fault.

A no-fault, sure.

Where, yes, I was being sexually abused by customers for years, but they realized.

It did seem like you were kind of doing it, though.

They went back and they looked at all of the customer reviews.

And there's been people that go in there and said, we want to go back to Jim.

That guy's a real cocksucker.

If I am, what are my names, Jim?

I think.

I can't remember.

No, Jim.

Your name's also Jim.

I think.

My name is Jim.

But Jim also works there.

Jim from the office.

Jim from the office works there.

Yeah.

Different Jim, yeah.

But your name is Jim.

And my name's Jim also.

I guess what I find most confusing about this is that you found, I guess, hundreds, if not thousands of willing

car buyers that wanted to get their dick sucked.

Because I'm looking at you.

You're not a very good-looking man.

Who the hell do you think drives Toyotas?

Bisexuals.

Guys that are trying to get their cocks.

By guys?

I think so.

I mean, I drive a Toyota.

I mean, that explains.

I don't really want to get my dick sucked by guys.

And guess what?

But here's the real answer.

Here's the real answer.

Okay.

Turns out

that I had a secret benefactor that had been paying people to come buy Toyotas for me so I could keep my job.

Really?

Yes.

Like a billionaire or something.

That must have been really expensive.

A patron of the arts.

Yes.

Because I had written some poetry in college that made its way to a couple of zines in New York City.

Really?

Wow.

And none other than

the guy from Bain Capital.

Wow.

Mitt Romney?

Sure.

Didn't he work there?

I think so.

Yeah.

I actually worked at Brain Capital.

So Mitt Romney was paying men to get their dicks up by him.

He's like, well, I just love this guy's poetry.

Oh, I like his poetry?

He's got really good poetry.

I don't approve of him sucking cock.

He's got really.

Yeah, I mean, if he wants to suck hock, that's it.

I don't think that's Mitt Romney.

That's exactly what Mitt Romney sounds like.

He sounds like

Romney.

It mits like a glove.

That's what they say.

That's what he does.

He admitted Romney before he fucks one of his wives.

He puts a condom on.

He goes, oh, it's Mitch, I can love.

Who let the come out of my team?

Who Let the Dogs Out is the best video ever.

Who Let the Dogs Out?

Who Let the Dogs Out?

Who?

Just around black people.

That's a song that came out.

A song that had come out.

Nine years prior, probably.

That's awesome.

Shout out to Mitten.

Let me just say, Salt Lake City.

Thank you for everyone who came out to see me.

Thank you, everyone, coming to the fucking Prince of Pleasure tour.

It's been going fucking swimmingly.

And I'm coming to fucking Denver next.

I'm coming to Omaha, Nebraska.

I'm coming to fucking Minneapolis.

That's all next.

In two weeks, Denver's the 12th.

Omaha's the 14th, Minneapolis, 16th to the 18th.

Then I'm in San Antonio the next week.

And then I'm in Cleveland, Phoenix, Madison, Detroit, New Orleans, Tampa, Boston, all the good shit.

But yeah, go buy some tickets to Denver, Omaha.

Minneapolis, San Antonio for now.

Grand Slam Tonio.

Grand Slam Tonio.

I'm trying to get some fucking

plus-eyed pussy over in San Antonio.

I hear it's the fattest city in America.

We want to do shows.

I hope it's got the fattest pussies in America, too.

I'm like going tour dress

just to have sex and not do shows.

That's not a bad way to do it.

Just put it up on my website.

Just go on a pussy tour.

Just name it.

Like a prostitute.

Yeah, I'll be at the best Western.

Yeah, the way fucking prostitutes go to strip clubs.

Yeah, yeah.

You're just like, hey, I don't feel like doing stand-up, but

if your girl who lives here wants to suck my cock,

DM me.

You know what?

In fact, that goes for me too.

I am doing stand-up, but if you just want to suck me off, go ahead and get away with that.

Winston-Salem, North Carolina.

I got my own six-foot expandable table that I'll just be setting up outside the best western where you can, you know, we'll form a line and I can meet you and sign something.

Right.

And I'll put a stamp on your hand if I'm.

If you're

get cock approved.

Yeah.

And then I have a big air horn, a novelty air horn that says moo

if

you're declined.

And I'll be blowing it in your face.

Fuck.

Go to stabby.biz slash tour for those tickets.

I'll also be selling Nick's sexual tour tickets on that website.

I'm getting a piece of every little fucking.

I'm pimping Nick out.

I'll set it up, dude.

I'll set up the logistics, but I get 10%

of every pussy that you fucking.

bring back a little jar of pussy juice and I get to drink it when you come home.

This is making me feel like a real industrialist.

Yeah.

From the golden age.

Of course.

Oh, dude.

My back is fucking killing me, dude.

Is anybody listening to a masseuse?

I got a lacrosse ball sitting on that table right there.

I might go get a massage right after this, actually.

Yeah.

How about instead of a lacrosse and playing lacrosse, it's playing Rich Voss.

Playing Rich Voss, man.

And you're like kind of sucking his cock, putting your thumbs in his ass.

But with an

instrument

into his ass, and you're like, you're like, you're like fingering him in a rhythm.

You're like taking his hat off and off.

He's like, what's the hell?

What's the fucking ass showing back there?

This guy's playing with like a fucking trombone.

Yeah, it's so you're gonna buy a land.

Jim, how many times do I have to tell you?

I'm just here for the free cocktail.

Do you have any machetes?

Do you have a machete I could buy?

Oh, fuck this.

Jim from fucking.

I'm also going to Wisconsin at some point, too.

I think I said that, Madison.

Yeah.

Well, come see me.

I got raped.

Yeah, Jim will be opening for me when I'm in Madison, Wisconsin.

Featuring the openers, Jim from Fond du Lac and Jeff Fox Barely.

Jeff Fox Barely.

They're going to love that.

That's a little fucking

preview for Sunday's episode.

I love doing that.

I love when we pre-record Sunday and then we reference something coming.

Jeff Fox Barely.

Jeff Fox Barely.

That's pretty good.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my motherfucking God.

I re-watched Heller Highwater the other day.

Great flick.

I love that movie.

Great flick.

I forgot I bought it.

I have it on DVD.

I've watched it like three times when I got it.

That's awesome.

I'm going to redo that and Sicario.

Sicario Rocks.

The second one was not as good.

The Day of the Soldada.

Which is a great name.

It should have been.

It is a really good name.

I feel like the pinnacle of my life was when,

what's his name?

Frankie Sucked Your Dick and You Fucked His Ass.

No.

And he fucked your ass?

No.

Don't you remember that, Adam, when he was like bragging about Frankie finally getting

fucking him in the ass.

Frankie and the rest of the Jersey boys.

Josh Brolin was at the stand one night.

That's right.

I remember that.

He said, very funny, great job to me.

And that will be a feather in my ass.

A regular Yankee Doodle.

That is true.

You were smiling big as shit when you said that.

Stuck a feather up his dick and then

came from doing that.

And it turns out he loves Doc.

I remember as a child trying to picture Yankee Doodle in my head, and it was always some kind of like fucked up rooster man.

Yeah.

Focus Doodle.

Well, Yankee Doodle is a dumb name.

But you know what?

I'd imagine like

the

Coco Puffs bird in colonial garb, but then his eyeballs are like macaroni or whatever.

Because the whole song is just

stuck a stuck a feather in his ass and called it macaroni.

Literally.

Every part of quote-unquote American culture from like the colonial period was just, I mean, just like

fully deranged.

Yeah.

You know?

Well, they were raping

slaves.

Like mentally disabled, like a Down syndrome person came up with most of it.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was like a banger.

What do they have?

When someone came up with the Yankee Doodle, everyone's like, I love that.

I love that track.

They came up with that at mybookie.ag.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, which, Adam, why don't you tell us a little bit about how they came up with my bookie.

In the world of sports.

At mybookie.ag

in the world of sports, the offseason is time to relax and regroup after a hard-fought season.

Playing with my bookie gives you the choice to decide when your season begins and ends.

I love agency.

Yeah.

I love, my season is all year long.

I'm trying to season a man's penis with your ass.

With me.

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That's so fucking good.

Use pre-game props or bet the live game to shift the odds in your favor and always come out on top.

Yep.

And that's,

I always come out on top too when

Stavros and I have sex.

You wish, dude.

You know I would top you.

Anyway, you know I would top you.

First of all, you don't have the strength to.

I'll be honest with you.

I can't imagine you guys having sex.

I would fuck Adam.

It's not even a question.

I don't even know.

No, you'd just like hold hands.

No way.

I would be like a

ravage his hole.

Let's stay friends.

He's not hot enough, but if he was, I would fuck him.

Adam's telling you about other guys he's having sex with, and you're like, I'm just so glad you're happy.

No, I'm not getting friends on by Adam.

I'm getting power.

I'm power fucking his ass.

You're masturbating the idea of that happening.

That'll never happen.

Adam's like, I just respect you as a friend more.

And you're like, totally, totally, totally.

Don't you even pretend that?

You're like a brother to me.

Adam's like, I've been getting raped in my ass by Will from Chapa.

And you're like, oh.

I'm getting bussy.

Will's a really good guy.

No, dude, I'm getting Will-style bussy, dude.

And Will would respect me for it, too.

He rocks.

He does rock.

He rocks.

And me and him both fuck Adam.

Yeah.

Will's outside in his Mustang honking the horn.

Like, Adam, come get me some pussy.

Come, hurry up.

I need pussy.

I need cunt.

Stops just at the windows.

Kind of like

frosty.

He just backs, recedes into the darkness okay see it Adam see you

come back come by later in the drapes yeah yeah because you're in a wheelchair you broke your leg this was when you hurt your foot yeah I was fucking oh you know what I'll admit when I hurt my foot I was more vulnerable yeah yeah and you're looking out the window and across the street you see somebody doing the murder a murder happens oh it's rear window now yeah but I also want to get pussy from Adam it's but here's what happens it's stav like he's sitting I'm gonna use my phone as an example.

He's looking out the window, and he's like, oh my god, that woman looks like she's in trouble.

And then they see the murder happening.

He's like, oh my god, he's murdering her.

Yes, can I get a large pizza with

pepperoni and

extra breadsticks?

What was I doing?

Well, anyway.

All right, jacking off.

And that is

the end of that bit.

That's true, but I would fuck Adam for the record.

Now, finish the read, Adam.

I would fuck you.

No chance.

Finish the read you, dude.

Finish the read.

You would never fuck me.

I'm too powerful to get fucked by you.

I would twist you up like a fat little pretzel.

You would not.

I would dip you in mustard.

You would not.

You wish you would, bro.

You could salt you and dip you in mustard.

I would fucking dominate you sexually, bro.

Oh, my God.

You couldn't even get hard.

I would.

You know what?

You're right.

You're jacking off your soft dick.

And I'm like, give me a second.

Someone needs to fuck in this scenario.

So

I would be like, Adam, suck my balls.

I'm socially incapable.

I would be like, Adam, suck my balls while I jack off to get hard enough to fuck you.

That would be pretty funny.

And you'd be like, yes, daddy.

Your dick on the ball.

And you would say, yes, daddy.

I would not call you.

Come on, that is beyond the pen.

You would.

Now you've really stepped over a line.

That is insulting to my father.

He is my one and only father.

I'm a better role model than your dad.

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Bitcoin.

Stavros coin.

Stavros coin.

Savi coin.

You should make stav coin.

I should.

How the fuck do I do that?

No, I don't really pay some guy.

Stop sucking my penis.

You think if I suck a guy's cock, he would make a coin for me?

Yeah.

I listen, I just wanted my own currency.

I want so much to eat.

I wanted to come up with, I came up with something called Toyota Coin.

I thought it was going to revolutionize Adara's dealership.

Started talking to a couple guys online.

We meet up in person.

Long story short, I got raped.

I got tricked into sucking cock, and that's why I'm here

in Grayfield Elementary talking to you kids today to warn you about the dangers of cryptocurrency.

A lot of you have been hearing cool stories about Bitcoin being used to buy downloadable content and video games.

It's not happening, kids.

There's not a single game where that works.

Instead, I'm now HIV positive, going around to schools.

Whoa, Jim.

So this is separate from you getting raped in.

I've had a hard life.

Yeah, right.

Jim, it's been a long road.

Some people, they go through life and they learn a lot of different lessons.

And some of us learn the same lessons

over and over and over.

Do you think at a certain point it becomes part of your identity and you think of yourself as a guy who gets raped?

You know, Nietzsche once said

that the only way to find the true soul of a man

is to put a cock in his mouth and see how he reacts.

And it was told to me by a very wise man, a man I respected, who I found out years later was also a sex criminal.

Right.

What was his name?

His name was Robert.

I met him at a bus stop that I would find out that he was living at.

And by any chance, did you suck Robert's cock?

I did because he said the thing about Nietzsche, who

I thought it was probably that was smart.

It seemed like a smart thing.

Yeah, yeah, that's so smart.

You know, I thought maybe later he'd buy a Toyota.

He was saying, he was talking about, oh, I hate taking the bus.

He said, I overheard you.

You're talking about you're the guy that sells Toyotas, right?

And I said, yeah, that's me.

And he said, Boy, I'd really, I'm really tired of taking the bus.

I would love a Toyota if somebody would just, you know,

but I have too much cum in my balls to buy one.

Give me the

slowing me down.

Slow me down.

These heavy ass balls are making it impossible for me to reach for my wallet.

Yeah, give me the sweet Jimmy treatment.

Sweet boy Jimmy treatment from down there, the

DeLorean Toyota.

DeLorean Toyota.

Toyotas of the future today.

Wow.

Did you guys ever get sued by the DeLorean company?

No, because John DeLorean actually

raped you.

And he was always worried about you.

You can't stop getting.

Jim from fucking Wisconsin.

Jim from Fond du Lac loves getting raped.

He doesn't love it.

It just happened.

John DeLorean, we had a whirlwind romance where he took me to Northern Ireland with him when he was planning on building the factories.

And I thought you've had an interesting life.

I thought you said you were married to a woman.

In my mind, I thought he was head-hunting me for a position as the vice president of sales at DeLorean, but it turns out he thought I was cute and wanted my boy pussy.

But he did fly you out.

That says something he flew me out.

I knew something was up when I got there, and there were roses and a dress.

You got one to dine.

There was very little discussion of

any kind of job position.

And when I asked him about it, he said, What position?

I sent you a letter in the mail that said, I would love to blow a load in your mouth.

That's a romantic

call me.

And I thought he meant to give me a job.

Jim, that kind of seems on you, man.

That's a good point.

It was the 80s.

It was a different.

People had a lot of people.

I guess you're right.

I don't know all the slang from back then.

White people talked in a very particular manner in the 1980s.

It was the first decade you weren't allowed to openly use the N-word, and white people were still figuring out how to say things.

You were saying new sayings.

We couldn't say the N-word, but we hadn't yet stolen cuss words.

Black people stopped.

Right, right.

So you'd go around, you'd be like, hey, shit-ass.

Right.

Get your dick-ass car off my.

Yeah, I'm going to blow a load in your mouth.

I'm going to blow a load in my mouth.

I'm going to fly you out to Northern Ireland.

Blow a load in your mouth.

Hey, shit.

Fuck.

I'm going to blow load in your mouth in Northern Ireland.

While you're in a pretty red dress.

You've seen the ladder.

I've seen the letter.

Yeah.

So you're familiar with.

So obviously, it's a mistake.

It's a mistake anyone could have made.

And down here at the bottom, the lipstick kiss.

That's funny for a while.

He was wearing lipsticks.

On a letter.

And I sent a letter back and I said I'm very open to be put in any position by you with my own lipstick kiss

because I thought that was perhaps some sort of Northern Irish editor.

So John DeLorean is from Northern Ireland or I think he's also from Wisconsin.

Okay, okay, okay.

All letters are sealed.

Now, are we sure this was a man named?

So you fuck, he fucks with the so in the 80s he fucks you in Northern Ireland and then a decade or so later he hires you and tells you he needs a real potsucker?

No, you're confusing

just a sales manager at DeLorean.

Different guy.

But this wasn't

like it was about 10 years apart though.

No,

it was about six years apart.

So you fucked John DeLorean.

I did.

And then you work at a different, you were already a car salesman.

Yeah.

So you you work at a different dealership.

And I guess also in that time, you gave me a lot of money.

But you have to keep in mind that the DeLorean could travel in time.

So

I worked with the DeLorean dealership, and then John DeLorean came up

to pursue the dealership at which I met him, and he brought me back to the past with him.

I see, I see.

To rape me in Northern Ireland in the early 80s and re-deliver me back to 1987.

And he said, good luck proving that in a court of law.

Yeah, that's so possible.

And everybody thinks I'm insane.

Right, right, right.

Like E.

Gene Carroll.

That guy's a real Egene Carroll.

That's what they call you, huh?

Yeah.

And what have you been doing since?

Because that, I mean, all the stories you've told us, the latest time was 2003.

So what have you been doing?

I started a podcast about the Westminster Dog Show.

Oh.

Really?

You rate the doggos.

Well, and I tell you, it's kind of defunct now because the first couple episodes I had some friends on and it was nice.

We just talked about the dogs.

Third episode, we had a big get.

Oh, yeah?

Lawrence Fishmeister.

Does his name ring a bell?

No, no, Lawrence Fischer.

The first 75% did, yeah.

Well,

Lawrence Fishburn, but there's an actor who played Fischer.

You're thinking of the black guy from the fucking

from the King of New York.

I am.

Yeah, Larry Fishburne.

Yeah.

But this guy was the premier judge of the Westminster Dog Show.

Oh, wow.

That is a big get.

From 1973 until 1993.

What kind of relationship did you guys have?

Well, we were just going to interview him for the podcast.

And he got into town early and he said, I'm at my hotel.

I know we have a couple of hours before we do the show.

Why don't you come over?

Anyhow,

and we can talk about some Toyotas.

I was like, Whoa, wow.

But you're out of the game.

You're a podcast.

And I said, I don't really want to talk about Toyotas.

I had kind of a traumatic experience.

We just sold them for you.

Oh, he said, oh, no problem.

We can just, and so we got to

his hotel, and it was nice.

He's showing me awards that he had won and pictures of him with presidents.

Right.

Different characters.

He must be pretty old at this point.

him and margaret thatcher he had a picture of him and osama bin laden oh holy shit so he was a popular guy back in the 1980s and uh he uh you know he said you know

do you want to do you want me to give you a sample and i said of what and he said of how i judge the dogs and i said sure and he said well get get down like a like a puppy dog on all fours and he had a collar and a leash and he

put it on me uh-huh and i said okay and then he had a little dog snout and and smears, and he put it on me.

And, you know, he's like, well, go around the room.

And I thought it was weird at first, but then I kind of got into it.

Got into it.

You know, and I'm like, whoop,

oh, wow.

He's like, okay, come over here.

Come over here, Jim.

And we're going around the room.

And he said, well, you know,

it's not really working because a dog, you know, doesn't wear clothes.

This is really tripping me up.

And that's where it, you know, I said, okay, something seems like something's up.

At that point, your spidey senses start tingling.

Something's up.

With the collar on, with the dog mask.

He did have a point.

Dogs don't wear a collar.

They don't.

They wear a collar.

So I took my clothes off, and I'm going around the apartment, and he said, okay, well, get up on here in the bed, boy.

And I'm up on bed on force, and he reached under my legs and grabbed my scrotum and started massaging my testicles.

Oh, wow.

That must have felt kind of good at first.

And, you know, I thought it was weird, but he's like, this is the most important part of the dog.

That's how he judges.

And I said, what are you checking for testicular cancer?

And he says, no, a lot of people don't understand what's going on when the judge.

I was the guy that invented this.

Wow.

You know, back in the day,

they looked at me like I was crazy when I started feeling the dog's balls.

Right.

But what really sets a dog apart at the dog show

is the level of obedience

of the dog.

And it's indicative of the breed.

Yeah, being a good boy.

When you play with a dog's balls,

a regular dog will probably bite you.

A show dog knows not to bite you.

But there still might be an underlying level of tension that the dog is experiencing.

So when you're playing with the dog's balls, what you want to look for is the tightness of the dog's asshole

because that indicates how stressed out the dog is.

And how do you check for that?

And so he's massaging my balls, and I noticed noticed my asshole is a bit tight.

Right.

And he said, so this would be a fail.

This would be not a pass because you're not relaxed.

Worst in show.

And, you know, I said, well,

I want to succeed.

I don't want to be upstaged by a dog.

And I think you all

got Lube out of his bag and he fucked me.

And I said, how much more?

What we got?

Three minutes left?

We got three minutes left.

So he said, as he slid each inch into my ass.

Right.

And when that's happening, what are you thinking?

Just out of curiosity?

Just, I'm saying, I'm a Dalmatian.

I'm a Dalmatian.

I'm a Dalmatian.

I'm a Dalmatian.

And then he said, he pulled my hair back and he said, if you're a good enough boy, I'll come buy one of your slut Toyotas.

Wow.

And that sent me into a spiral.

Right.

That was like your sensory recall.

And much like a dog, I sort of snapped around and I ripped his trachea out with my teeth oh wow I really turned into a feral animal and you would think that murdering a man with your bare hands you know your your

chewing through his his neck veins bleeding him out in the hotel room would give you enough street credit that when you're invariably sentenced to 10 years in prison for manslaughter that you get a little respect you get respect but

they found out about the dog thing and I don't even know where where they got a kennel to put

in jail.

But day one, they already had toys for me and little princess dog outfits that I had to wear.

Wow.

And they said there was a guy named Tyrone that called me his little Bijan Freeze.

I see.

That's me.

And boy, you know, I thought I knew what being raped was

before I went to jail.

but these guys in there it's like it's like the NBA right right you're playing street ball out the speed of the game is so much faster the speed and the power when you get into a Midwestern state prison

a frigid landlocked hell filled with just the the raw unbridled rage of of maladjusted racial tensions over the last hundred years

a place that's uh too fake to deal with racism.

Right.

They really

let a dog have it.

They let a white dog named Jim really

put a pounder on his asshole.

And the worst part about it was I couldn't do my podcast while I was.

You guys had it at the Westminster.

So after two episodes, we were getting a lot of, we were seeing a huge uptick in traffic.

Because that was a big get.

We were seeing a lot of good metrics.

We were averaging maybe about 750,000 downloads per episode.

And I was getting

really

emails from people from all over.

Two or three guys.

One of them was in California.

He told me his autism.

He's lived with his mom his whole life.

And it really brightened his day to listen to me talk about dogs and

stuff.

And, you know, to know that I was making a difference in someone's life really felt good.

That made it all really.

And

so I emailed him back and I said, no, thank you.

I appreciate it.

And he said, listen, I'm actually going to be in Fond du Lac.

Really?

And I was out on parole.

And, you know, I didn't have anything to do.

And he was like, well, do you want to meet me

at the drive-thru of

fucking

whatever the Midwestern version of Waterburger is.

Right, right.

And that guy raped me also.

At Culver's.

At Culver's, you had a nice custard in your system?

Yeah, you had

cheese curds.

Jim, I got to say, Pal, so now you're out of jail.

Yeah.

When's the last time you were raped?

How long has it been?

Do you have one of those boards at your house that says zero days since getting raped?

You know, I feel like that's a very personal question.

Okay.

You've shared a lot.

I don't think I can.

I think it's outside of my Midwestern good grades.

Your values.

Under Midwestern value system.

Well, listen, Jim, we're all having a good time hanging out.

Do you maybe want to come back to my place after this?

You know, I would love to, but I'm meeting with a potential investor down at the Ocano Lodge on Route 40.

Investor in what?

You're meeting at the Route 40 and Puluski Highway in Rosedale, Maryland?

Sure.

You're going to get the pod back up and running?

I'm going.

There's a guy who might buy podcasting equipment for me, but he says I got to suck his dick to get it.

And I think that's just an expression.

Well, maybe another time, Jim.

Maybe another time.

And that's how you burn 30 minutes.

We're pretty good.

I love Jim, the guy that can't stop getting raped from Fond du Lac.

The car salesman.

Well, folks, we hope you enjoyed this one as much as we did.

It's great to be back.

It's great to be meek.

Unplug Come.town to buy shirts, especially those tees.

They've stopped paying me.

They just decided to not give me any of the money

wow uh but you know buy the shirts anyways because i like them buy the shirts go to stopby.biz buy teas i got enough money yes or those those cock suckers can what's up no nothing no you're gonna plug some of them i was just saying go stopby.biz slash tour get tickets to the tour get tickets to the or buy some fucking shirts i'm listen i want to let you guys know i'm cooking up something real nice for the stopby stoppy baby 2022 calendar you know it's coming out took some pictures already for some of the

major.

It's crazy this year.

Full frontal nudity this year.

We're entering the last quarter of this year already.

It's wild, I know.

It's flown.

I might show balls.

I gotta have a family.

I might show balls from the back.

Literally, balls from the back.

Yeah, it's a good look.

So look out for the 2022.

The balls from the back is tasteful.

They call that the Westminster.

The Westminster, yep.

Balls from the back.

I might show balls from the back this year.

Only one way to find out.

Stay tuned for that.

But yeah.

Adam, anything to plug?

I'm going to be starting a family.

Oh, wow.

I got to do that.

But mine will be bad.

Mine's going to be just a nightmare.

No, we're going to all respect it.

And then my child will be jealous of yours.

We're going to start it.

We're going to start a band.

We're going to start a band.

Our band.

Our family.

Our family band?

Yeah, we're going to be incredibly cringe.

We're going to be the most hated family in America instead of the Westminster, Westboro Baptist Church, it's going to be a family that's just trying to go viral.

Okay, all right, all right.

All right, bye.

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