Ep. 270 – semone biles

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Check, check, check.

Check my penis.

Ooh, wee!

How we doing, everybody?

Welcome to Come Town Pre-Vacation Edition.

Just making sure that works.

Yeah, you got to check all the levels.

The sisters and the

out there

listening on

iPods and

radios.

And by the way, folks, we're not saying anything.

It's whatever's in your mind.

That's what they call Zune.

They call it the iPod.

I've never heard that.

Yeah.

I've never heard that, but I'm not going to say that you're wrong necessarily.

That's what Apple calls it.

Really?

Because I remember Steve Jobs doing that keynote.

When somebody asked him, they're like, can you actually explain what the difference is between the Zune and the iPod?

And Tim's like, you know, or Steve Jobs.

Steve Apple was like.

Steve Apple.

He just stared at this guy, and he's like, all right, you want a zoom

then go ahead and buy a zoom

that's if you're a fucking

oh are you surprised oh wow you're surprised let's take a look let's go live to to the fucking New York Stock Exchange right now and Apple numbers are going through the roof right and he's like everything I touch is gold is gold you fucking

I had a zoon I had a Zune when I was in middle school or high school.

I don't think I've ever even seen a Zune.

I was part of the Zune crew, brother.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

A lot of my life was spent getting the bootleg versions of everything.

We've already discussed the airwalks where you couldn't have real skate shoes.

You got the payback.

The playlist version.

Oh, yeah.

All my life, I was shopping at Burlington Coat Factory.

I got made fun of for having airwalks for being a poser.

Right.

And it's like, well, I do skateboard.

I'm just bad at it.

Yeah.

That's not a poser.

In fact, I've got more, the fact that I'm continuing to do something that I'm bad at makes me more authentic.

Absolutely.

You know what I mean?

I'm not a fucking poser.

A poser would not skate at all.

Exactly.

I'm a fucking position.

I'm a loser.

A poser would have to possess.

Excuse me, I'm not a poser.

I'm a loser.

I'm a faggot.

It seems you have been mistaken again.

You may kick my ass, but you will never take from me the fact that I am a faggot.

Yeah, I had a lot of bootleg shit.

I remember one of the.

Here at Apple, we call the Zune the iPod for

and we call the

What's the other one?

iPod, iPad.

No,

there's one.

There was the Zune.

Oh, you mean another MP3 player?

Yeah.

I don't, do they have names?

Win Amp.

Yeah, we call that iTunes for

here at Apple.

Winamp?

Winamp.

What the fuck is that?

It's iTunes that you'd use if you're a f.

Okay.

Steve Jobs giving one of the most electric performance keynote addresses for the state of the getting your dick sucked.

It's the Worldwide Developer Conference.

And what does that stand for?

Wide motherfucking dick

swanging

confidence

and I'm Steve Jobs

and I'm Steve Jobs and I'm never getting cancer I'm never gonna get cancer why because my dick's too big I pulled down my pants and I said doctor said

this guy is either a or a

whole cock like that

and I said neither I'm a millionaire

Steve Jobs had that kind of you ever see those dicks in pornos where it was like there would always be like some Brazilian guy, and it was like their dicks were like

the Austin Powers

cock pumps, and they would pump, or maybe they would like inject like saline or something into them, and they would just have these hysterically large cocks.

That's what Steve Jobs had.

That didn't get it, they never got hard.

Yeah, I saw a couple pornos in my youth when I was really just cranking through whatever to beat off.

Last week at a conference, Bill Gates said that I'm a f

but I want you guys to know that it's it's actually Bill Gates that's a

and a

welcome to the Worldwide Development Conference,

and by the way, we got the fucking, we got a screen you can touch the screen now on your phone, and it works.

You can touch the screen just like you can touch your mama's.

I went to Bill Gates' house and I touched his mama's

because I'm Steve Jobs.

A f and a

wait, you're both of those two.

Now I'm a f.

I thought you just said Bill Gates was those things.

He's them separately.

But in a bad way?

In a bad way.

What are you in a good way?

I'm a f.

But the good kind.

But the good kind.

Steve Jobs.

Yeah.

Yeah, the beep rolls, dude.

I'm a beep, beep, but the good way.

It makes the show so much better.

I agree with you 100%.

Yeah.

Who's got the keys to the G?

Yeah.

Damn, bro.

Fuck.

I'm out here in beautiful fucking Brooklyn, New York, gazing at it.

I'll be away from here for almost a month.

More than a month.

Yeah, I'll be here the whole time.

No, dude,

you got to go somewhere exotic.

I'm going on a vacation, and by that, I mean I'm going to start a new file on Red Dead Redemption 2.

Play through the game again.

Put on a fucking Hawaiian shirt and start a new file.

This time I'm giving myself a second chance in life.

I'm going to make sure to take the hair tonic in chapter 1.

Make sure that I get Arthur's beard exactly the way it should be.

By the end of the story, so I don't, in my own personal life, have to grow a giant beard for two years to prove that I could do it.

You have to do it early to get his beard long?

It's funny because it's like people, like,

this girl was like, yeah, when you grow the beard, it seems like you're hiding something or whatever.

And it is true.

My psychology works like everybody else's.

But they make the mistake of not realizing how retarded I am.

Right, right.

Literally the only reason I grew a beard is because I got to the end of Red Dead Redemption 2, and I did not take the hair tonic in chapter 2.

And so Arthur's beard never reached a full level 10.

Right.

The mustache was like...

You know, I got max mustache, but the beard itself, like the chip.

I had no idea you could.

So no matter how how much hair tonic you get towards the end,

unless you time it all right, you never get Arthur's beard right.

Wow, that's fucked up.

Yeah.

What's the point of a tonic?

I don't know, but I had to grow a two-year beard myself.

And you showed the fucking developers.

I did it.

I literally, it destroyed my relationship.

Yep.

You know, I was living with somebody, they left me.

Yes, and it was worth it.

And you would think, yeah, of course.

Without question.

That was six months in.

I was like, well, now I'm committed to this project.

By the way, I'm growing a giant beard now.

You are?

No, no, no.

That's what you said to her.

Oh, yeah, I said that.

By the way, bitch, it's a girl.

I was like, notice

I see that you're crying because I've been doing nothing but playing this cowboy game.

I just want to let you know that I will be growing a beard to be more like my friend from the game.

No, I do not want to go get drinks with your friends.

No, I don't want to see your gay-ass friends, who I've actually been friends with longer than you, but then when you became friends with them, I no longer want to.

No, I think they're gay.

Now I think they're gay.

No, kind of like, it's kind of a Steve Jobs-Bill Gates situation.

Yeah.

Whereas you

are a

and a,

I am the.

And

she just couldn't understand that.

She just couldn't understand that.

It's just

chapter three, the Obama stories.

The Obama stories.

The Obama book.

It's chapter three.

Getting pussy from Michelle.

Getting pussy from Michelle and becoming a true

instead of just a

becoming Steve Jobs instead of Bill Gates.

Getting pussy from Michelle.

I bet you thought I met my wife.

I met Michelle Kwan.

I met

her.

I met Michelle Welbeck, the author.

What does she write?

He wrote.

Oh, it's a guy.

It's a guy.

A French guy.

A lot of people don't know French guys,

they got pussy.

They got a little pussy underneath.

You can get a little little pussy underneath their balls.

You can f them in their pussy.

You lift up their little French balls and they got a pussy there.

I fucked a four-year-old boy from Thailand.

While I was doing it, he turned around and he called me a f

and I said, Hey, hey,

that's uh that's

to you.

Damn, dude.

Dreams of my father.

Yeah.

Chapter three:

Flags of Our Father.

Kidding Pussy in Iwo Jima.

The big thing this week is some woman found a book where another woman had annotated Charles Bukowski in the margins.

Did she?

Yeah, that's the big thing on Twitter.

Charles Bukowski.

That's the guy who were forced to read Charles Bukowski.

Or as I called him,

but found

That's just the kind of guy I wasn't.

That's the kind of things I would say back in those days.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

We called him f.

And then also sometimes just

say, what are you doing?

I said, I'm reading a little bit of.

Why does everybody always talk about that fucking guy?

Wasn't he just the guy who would like get fucked up and get pussy?

Yeah.

seems so okay to me as far as i'm concerned now of course i've never read a book by him i will never read a book by him

uh

but you know what i was reading the book dune dune yeah i always thought bukowski was gay from the get-go i've never i don't really know anything about him like i said I know that annoying girls don't like him.

No, I remember when annoying girls did like Bukowski when I was a teenager.

And the thing about Bukowski I always thought was gay because they're like, oh, he's just, you know, he's disgusting and he's an alcoholic or whatever.

I'm like, yeah.

And then he does gay-ass poetry.

Right.

Real alcoholics are

passing out behind their fucking Hyundai Elantras in a fucking school zone.

That's what you're doing.

With their foot on the brake.

And somehow they fell asleep like that.

I don't need to write a poem.

No.

Yeah.

I can just piss myself

in a public park.

that's what a real disgusting alcoholic does.

Here we go from the New Yorker, the post-dirtbag left.

Oh, shit.

For years, chap.

I don't understand, like,

who

like imagine you're just some fucking

like old boomer.

Right.

You know, and you're only like last year, you learned that you shouldn't say,

you know, referring to black police officers.

Right.

You love.

And you're like, you think they found that out last year?

Like, oh, Donald, Donald, the new New Yorker has come.

Aren't I just the happiest little f in the world?

Yeah.

If I can read my New Yorker magazine, I hope they have some nice pictures of fucking Fauci with my friends while we all talk about sucking Dr.

Fauci's peace.

That little finger Dr.

Fauci.

Damn, the beep was going to be the MVP of this episode.

Let's see.

What articles do we have in the New Yorker today?

The post-dirt bag bag left.

What does that mean?

For years, Chapo Trap House?

And what is this

bullshit?

Chapo Trap House?

Is this something one of my fing grandsons listens to?

For years, Chapo Trap House.

The one we got prep for his 14th birthday?

Yeah, prep so he could have gay sex with his friends.

Because one of them said

For years, Chad Bazavaz and other podcasts have paired anti-capitalist ideas.

Oh, my God.

With a report.

Social media is a new form emerging.

Shut up, you fucking literally.

We need to read this, but it's like, I'm a boring fag.

I'm jealous that these guys are rich.

I'm threatened by the fact that a different type of nerd beat me to the punch.

Now it's my turn to be cool.

Wait a second.

These nerds found out how to get rich and pussy, and I'm on a fucking gay ass magazine my whole life?

I'm a fucking

on the evening of January 6th, while guard troops were still trying to remove an insurrectionist mob from the Capitol, the right-wing activist L.

Brent Basel III.

No, that's that guy's name.

How about you, L.

Wright bobble my nuts in your mouth, three times, bitch?

Appeared as a guest on Fox Business.

They believe this election was stolen, he said of the rioters.

I agree with them.

They are furious about the deep state.

I agree with them.

He offered a limp concession or two.

You can't countenance our national capital being breached, but spend most of the time zigzagging across the thick.

This is gay.

Oh, yeah.

I could have told you that.

Oh, no.

I mean, I knew it.

Oh, I could have told you that, Chief.

This is all about this.

It starts off talking about Chapo, and then it's five paragraphs about the insurrection at the Capitol.

How about a little erection at the Capitol?

What?

What about that?

Here he goes.

In February, Zeke was charged with three federal crimes.

A week and a half later, the two hosts of Know Your Enemy, a podcast founded in 2019 that builds itself as a leftist guide to the conservative movement.

So, you know, we're going to cancel Comptown.

We're getting rid of it.

Yep.

And we're starting a new show called

Murder She They.

Murder They Road.

And it's yeah, Murder She Her.

And it's

an LGBTQ

crime comedy podcast.

Okay.

Like that.

But this time for leftists.

Whoa, that's good.

Yeah.

And what kind of people are they?

Well, we cover a crime.

From what kind of perspective?

From the LGBTQ leftist feminist perspective.

And

what would they call themselves?

Well,

the he-she, whatever.

And the first episode is about

a couple of f ⁇ ing guys.

I was trying to get you to get it.

No, trust me, I'll call it.

I know.

I know exactly what we have to do.

Every wish way, but loose.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know what that means.

Every wish way, but in my asshole.

I sure love saying it.

A leftist guy to the conservative movement.

Like, who are they, like, fucking, like...

I mean, I guess it's probably the same people listening to this.

You have to understand something is neither of us have ever listened to a single episode of this show.

Never.

Or, honestly, any other podcast.

I have listened to every basketball podcast that exists, but I'll never listen to a comedy or fucking

picture.

I listened to cereal when podcasts were, like, you know.

Yeah.

I was like, all right.

It was when I got a smartphone.

I used to, listen, before moved to New York, I listened to, when I had an office job, I listened to a ton of shit.

I listened to Comedy Bang, but yeah, I didn't listen to anything.

I listened to Bobby's podcast.

I listened to Cereal, and then I used to listen to a lot of Smoking Tire

when I would drive trucks on commercials, and I just had to sit in a truck all day long.

And that's it.

Literally the only podcast.

Cereal doesn't, I don't even really count that.

No.

Smoking Tire is the only podcast I ever really listened to.

You listened to Smoking Tire, and you actually lived Smoking Pole.

I didn't.

That was your favorite thing to do.

Well, they called me Smoking Pole Robinson Yeah.

Because I would get my dick sucked.

No, they wouldn't.

Yes, they did.

They called you Nicky Nicky Smokey Poly.

They called you f.

Yeah.

So what?

It was an ironic name.

Because I'm actually not that, whatever you're imagining.

They used to call me

Nick Dick sucking.

Because I didn't.

They would call you Dick sucking Nick.

But they called me out because I would get my dick sucked by girls.

I really don't think that's what they did.

No, well, that's what I...

I never followed up with them.

Yeah.

But when people be like, there's that cocksucking.

There's that guy.

I'd be like, yeah, they probably called me that.

Yeah, because girls suck and they're like,

which they don't.

But

because of the way I carry myself.

Because the way I carry my dick.

And suck and suck.

The way I hold it with my tweezers.

With my extra small tweezers.

My index finger and thumb out of I hold the tip out of the zipper of my pants.

And then when people say, what are you doing?

I'm like, It's in case I have to pee.

So, some of us don't want to pee in our pants.

Yeah, ever think of that?

Idiot,

and then they beat the shit out of you and make you suck their dicks.

I'm like, Teacher, I'm going to go back to the even more retarded class.

I don't think I'm ready for

emotional retards.

I need brain retards.

I was the king of the brain retard class.

I want to go back to the class where one of the students is a dog.

Fuck.

Oh, baby.

It's a fastball right down the middle for us, says Sam Adler Bell, one of the hosts.

How about you?

I would like them to profile my balls.

The other host, Matthew Sittman.

More like Matthew sits down to pee, man.

Oh, shit.

Or sits down.

Sure, that's good.

Sits on my Dickman.

How about math girl sits down to pee woman?

I like it because of the dancing.

Yeah, you fucking f.

Sits on my dickman.

I'm still going to go with, but that's fine.

I like your route, too.

Mine's more vicious.

It is.

It's more of a vicious takedown.

But that's why I'm the vicious one on the show.

Yeah, you're Vishnu.

Vishnu.

The Indian god of

deep burns.

And sucking dick at retard class.

Being held down by kids with cigarette burns on their arms from the

article is so gay.

Yeah, of course it is.

This is a really great opportunity for us to dive into some deep-cut conservative lore.

It was less than two minutes into the episode, and already he had made a self-consciously erudite joke about Leo Strauss, and another about the Carlist movement in post-war Spain.

Wow, that sounds fucking hilarious, dude.

I don't want to learn anything, I have to say.

How about the hot Carlos movement in your fucking mouth?

In your mouth.

After I ate a fucking Chipotle burrito, double meat, extra guacamole, and hot sauce, and I had a fucking cold brew.

I'm taking a big fat Chipotle hot car right in your mouth.

Hot car, right in your mouth.

I got some homework for you right here.

Yeah.

To do Suck Stob's dick.

Yeah, it's a new era of podcasts where we try to out-Chapo the Chapo guys.

And it's certainly because, you know, we bring something new to the table.

It's definitely not a bunch of bandwagon bullshit from hipsters.

It's not a bunch of trend chasing dickheads.

I don't know.

These guys are probably nice.

I don't know.

Yeah.

They probably live.

I don't even know who those guys are.

I have no idea.

The New Yorker guy can suck my dick.

The New Yorker guy can.

Let's not forget who the real target here is.

The New Yorker guy who can suck my dick.

Yeah.

And look, I'm not even saying that that guy's podcast is bad.

I just don't want to listen to podcasts to learn.

My dick is too big to do that.

I listen to podcasts to hear about whether Buddy Healed is going to be traded to the Lakers or not.

I don't want to learn about Hot Carl

unless it's the rapper who actually actually, no, wait, Hot Carl is that guy who did the shrimp tails thing for Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

So I take that back.

I don't even want to learn about Hot Carl.

Personally, I don't even like doing podcasts.

None of us want to do these podcasts.

The complaint here is...

That's the thing.

I have a problem with anyone who wants to do a podcast.

Yeah.

Speaking of which,

it's time to get fucking paid, folks.

And if you like.

But what I don't have a problem with.

If you like, when you guys get paid is whatever your job is or you go to Cushy Dream Dream or CBD.

You go to Cushy Dream.

Yeah, it is CBD.

Cushy Dreams, and you spend your money on Cushy.

You got to balance it because you got a budget you got to figure out.

Of course.

Let's say you guys, you're working, you're getting your STEMI's money, and you're working at

the food food court at the mall.

I'm going to make myself seem as out of touch from regular fucking as possible.

You know, you're working your ass off at Blockbuster.

Yep.

You're getting

9-5 at Radio Shadows.

You're ready to buy a gateway computer from fucking Circuit City.

You're in Circuit City, and you're buying a VCR.

Your day job, where you buy a VCR at Circuit City with a.

You put your subway token in to take the

train they've discontinued.

S?

No, the S is just the shuttle from Times Square to Grand Central.

It used to be like the V, but I think they brought that back.

I don't think there is a V.

Then we'll go with the V.

The V.

Because

the W they brought back.

W runs it through Queens.

I see it very often.

Yeah.

Because I think the R was supposed to be done by now, and it wasn't, so they brought the W back.

The R is running.

Yeah, but the R used to go through the river,

I believe it still does.

It does now.

I know you can take the R.

The R is separate from the NW.

The R runs with the M,

but they're both Queens.

They're both on the yellow line in Queens.

They run through different parts of Queens, but they meet up in Manhattan.

I've never really lived off either one of any of the

yellow trains classes.

I'm Mr.

Yellow.

Yeah, never in my life.

I'm Mr.

Fucking Yellow.

I'm a G-train, an L-train guy.

No, I'm Chinatown days.

I'm RM.

BDFM.

BDSM.

Yeah.

Oh, I love our BDFM.

I love to do that.

That's what they call that in Chinatown.

I love going on the train and have at CushyDreams.com to have

to have

vicious gay sex on Cushy Dreams.

And you know how those Chinese guys numb their assholes?

When you go to Cushy Dreams.com.

By smoking high-quality CBD from our friends at CushyDreams.com.

Anyways,

you're on the Q-train on your job, the Circuit City, where you sell VCRs

in exchange for Pokemon cards.

Yes.

I don't know, whatever the fuck it is.

You've got to balance your budget where you've got to spend half the money on Cushy Dreams with promo code Come Town.

The other half is 20% off.

The other money at patreon.com/slash.

That's right.

That's right.

And whatever's left over, make sure to go to stavi.biz slash tour, buy tickets to my tour, coming to a town near you, or buy a t-shirt.

And then make sure you wear a t-shirt from come.town to stav Shows.

Well, no, no.

We'll wear a t-shirt from stavi.biz slash shop.

Well, then don't buy the tickets.

Well, buy the tickets and wear the shirt.

Listen, buy the shirt from come.town, but don't wear it to stav show and thinking he's going to be happy to see it because he didn't see a cent from that fucking shit.

He's going to be happy to see it.

He's going to be pissed off.

He won't even take a picture with him

if you're wearing one of those shirts.

If he sees that shirt and he's mad, you can calm him down with some cushy dreams

with promo code come town.

You're going to do shipping on all orders over 70%.

So only come, only wear Nick shirts if you bring me at least $40

of Cushy Dreams.

And that part is sensible.

That you use from Cushy.

Stav just said he doesn't want to say anything

about your shirts.

They can hear me talk through the beep.

They can hear me talk.

No.

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Damn, I'm sorry to hear that, Nick.

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Damn, I wish I could get my sperm

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Yeah.

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Yeah, we got some customer reviews here from Daniel Kay.

I wonder what that stands for.

You want to guess?

Little.

You know, absolutely fantastic product.

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That's awesome.

Cheers.

Daniel Kay, a pedophile, is what that's right.

I remember this guy.

I guess they probably delete that part of the website.

Just reading customer reviews from their website.

I'm sure.

I don't know if they like that or not.

I think they love it.

Cushy Dreams provides extra steps.

And if they don't, Nick, can I tell you something?

If they don't, they can suck my penis.

They can suck his penis.

They can make with the check and suck my dick.

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You know, I just got a hankering for checks.

Rice checks.

Checks are good, dude.

Yeah.

I'm more of a corn check.

Let's talk the rest of this read, actually.

Let's talk about checks for a second.

I'd love that.

Checks, yeah, the corn.

Well, we said the promo code, right?

We did.

Yeah, promo code come town.

The read is over.

Read is over, 20% off, a million dollars, something like that.

Yeah, listen back to old episodes.

A million dollars worth of fake weed.

It's actually, it is very nice.

We do use it.

We actually do use this product.

There's some shit on the.

I'll tell you, the Smokey Dreams I smoke, I use the Ridge wallet.

I fucking

gamble.

I gamble for sure.

I lose a lot of money, but that's me.

That has nothing to do with the product.

That's just Nick.

The website, it's kind of hard for Nick to lose money, actually.

I feel like we'll talk about that a little later, actually.

We'll talk about that in exactly 17 minutes.

I do want to say before we talk checks, I am about to go on toward the August shows.

I just want to highlight these.

Portland, we added a second show.

We sold out the 18th on a Wednesday.

We added a Tuesday show, the 17th.

Then I'm in Seattle on the 20th and 21st.

Tickets to those are going fast.

And then I'm in Utah, Salt Lake City, the 26th through the 28th.

And then, of course, Denver.

Those tickets are going fast as well.

That's September 12th.

So buy tickets to those and also Acme.

We got more coming up, but those are the ones coming up right now.

Buy those tickets, you little fuckers.

Portland, Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, and Acme, Minneapolis.

Stavi.biz slash tour.

I'm excited to see you little fucking sluts there.

Anyway, checks.

Yeah.

So you go rice checks, huh?

Yeah, listening to Know Your Enemy can feel like visiting a semi-reclusive friend whose apartment is crammed with out-of-print books, but who always keeps a stash of good bourbon on hand.

Kill yourself.

Whoever wrote this can really suck my dick.

Quote fucking

can truly slurp on my little nutsack.

Yeah, some guy in Tivas riding his bicycle around

Park Slope

with his messenger bag, drinking in this podcast life.

Who sips bourbon and coughs this way?

Yeah, this sips.

He takes a sip of bourbon and goes.

Special podcast life that he lives.

New York sucks.

These people

ruin it.

That's why I like Queens, dude.

Nobody knows what the fuck pod.

No one knows what Chapo is in Queens.

We need more retards to move the Brooklyn.

I hate coming here because people know who we are here.

In Queens, no one knows who the fuck I am.

It's all these fucking, it's all Eastern European guys.

It's all guys that have my body type, my hairstyle.

They got chains on.

They operate

a restaurant that I've only seen three people ever go into.

You know, they have food I don't know about.

It's good shit.

Or you get a lot of fucking young Arabs with expensive cars.

It's just a lot of hookah going on there.

Nobody knows what a fucking podcast is over there.

And if they do, it's like, you know, I don't know.

I don't know what kind of podcast they would even fucking listen to.

Maybe like

if Wilding Out made a podcast,

that's what they would listen to.

Yeah, I want to.

The only podcast I'd listen to at this point is like

a guy with Down syndrome trying to put together IKEA furniture.

You just want to hear the sounds of that.

Well, him walking us through the process.

Okay, so it's more, it's him trying his best to tell you how to do do it.

All right, we got a thing here.

It looks like they're calling it a Dowell.

Boy, I feel like I got Dowell syndrome of it.

So he's pretty witty.

Yeah, I would write this.

He would write it for me.

I would be the head writer of the show.

Okay, all right.

Conceptually, I think you could do that.

It's called Talking IKEA with Chris Hart.

Chris Hart.

Oh, you know what?

I take it back.

I used to listen to Talking Sopranos during the pandemic.

Really?

Yeah.

I love Michael Imperial and Steve Sharipo.

Yeah, this is all just a glowing profile of this guy's friend's podcast.

And you know what?

Again,

I don't know those guys, their podcast,

but

the writer I can say can suck my dick.

That's my issue with it, is how little this guy's dick is.

Yeah, podcasts suck.

Scroll down.

What else has he got?

Let's see how he wraps it up at the very end.

This was just sent to me, so I haven't really dug into this.

I'm trying to find something that's not just more of the same.

Oh, you know what?

I also listen to

that.

What I can tell from this is that, I mean, now we've moved on completely from the fucking lead.

It's no longer about some post-dirtbag left thing.

It's listen to this show instead of Chapo.

And then they're just talking about these guys.

Right.

Maybe they have a lot of books and they drink bourbon and want to

get Christians.

I don't know.

I already forgot.

Maybe he wants to suck their cocks.

Aaron Morantz.

Oh, yeah.

I think that's something like that.

Or Andrew

Mauricio.

Andrew Mauricio wants to suck these guys' cocks.

Yeah.

Maybe that's what's happening here.

I do have to hand up.

Again, admit, I actually did learn.

I listened to the Blowback podcast.

It's very good.

And I did learn while walking.

So hand up, that's on me.

I accidentally learned

because our friends do blowback and I clicked the link I saw on Twitter.

What was blowback?

I don't know what any of these shows are.

It's about the one I listened to is the one about

how we got into the fucking Iraq war.

I don't care.

I didn't care, but all my basketball podcasts were over and it's really well, you know, it was well done.

So, but that's the one exception.

No, we got to have it.

I'm sorry.

I admit it.

I fucked up.

I learned.

We're going to call up the New Yorker.

I'm sorry.

We're calling up the New Yorker.

We're doing an article.

We're going to find the guy with Down syndrome.

Okay, get him to try.

A little field trip arena to IKEA.

Let's get his fucking Reese's covered mitts on some malm boxes.

And

then we got the next big hit of the summer.

Yeah, I still don't know what this is about.

Who cares, dude?

All right, here we go.

Now here's where they're talking about

why you shouldn't listen to Chapo anymore.

When podcast Chapo began in March, it served a real need.

The need to suck my dick.

Scanning for the word but.

Bearded white guys.

Felix and Matt.

Chrisman.

The one host with any red state cred.

This guy can suck my dick.

Whoever wrote this article can suck my hard-ass little penis.

Yeah.

This is what I hate.

Chapo came to exemplify an online subculture that called itself the Dirtbag Left.

Although its flagship products were podcasts, Chapo, Street Fright Radio, and Come Town.

What?

Literally never.

Fucking losers.

Never.

We just did a podcast that we didn't think was going to be successful, and people are stupid enough to give us money, and we're trapped at doing it.

Okay?

That's it.

That's all that's happening.

They call it the dilemma.

They call it the f

dilemma.

Why don't you put that in your article?

Yeah, quote me on that, Chief.

Yeah.

I remember at the planning meeting when we launched Come Town when me, you, Will,

the guys from the other podcasts sat around the table and we said, well, guys, we really would like to be the smart ones, but if we have to be the fucking morons that talk about sucking our dad's cock,

we play rock, paper, remember we played rock, paper, scissors with Will over who got to do the sucking your dad's cock podcast and who got to do the one that knows about politics?

I don't remember that.

I don't remember anything.

That's right.

I still don't understand what glue.

You were huffing glue in the corner.

I still don't understand what the point of this article is.

Who is this for?

Who reads this?

Nobody.

Who's reading a 5,000, I mean, it's me.

I get angry.

Yeah, that's true.

You're getting got by this guy.

But I don't, like, who wants, like, what's going on?

I want to know more about fucking faggots in Brooklyn recording things with their friends.

I need to know more about

not only the dirt bag left, which was already, I'm sorry, it's gay.

That was a gay thing to ever call anybody doing anything.

Yep.

But now a post version of it.

What about the ball bag left?

I like that.

And that's when girls suck my nuts.

And I'm like, yeah, I'm a socialist.

Because that seems pretty cool to me.

Yeah.

The ball bag left.

But after Sanders' loss, Chapo seemed to have nothing left to say.

Who gives a fuck?

This guy.

What is the point?

Yeah, what is the title of this article?

I'm a jealous little bitch.

It's like, maybe there's a new thing.

If only I got a little bit of pussy, I wouldn't write an article this fucking annoying.

I forgot, but let me tell you this.

It is a godsend.

Yeah.

Because

we've got two minutes left.

Until the next ad read.

So then we get to make a little bit more.

We do the ad read.

And then from the ad read, it's smooth.

Really, this podcast, the free podcast have become...

Can we do 20 minutes up top?

I'll tell you this, guys.

Maybe you're the one.

And if we do, then it's first ad.

Maybe you're the guy that wrote this article.

Yeah.

And you're listening and you're like, hey.

Hey, what the hell?

Or maybe you're the other guys maybe the the know your enemy guys or whatever and we've met numerous times and we're friends and we're nice and we're friends with each other and you're saying what what why yeah

the answer is to go to patreon.com slash comtown give us more money so i can kill myself with drugs eventually nick will kill himself eventually he got close like a month ago he's he it ebbs and flows yeah the next peak if you give us money, might be higher.

And it might be dangerously high enough that he does finally.

The real post-left thinking is that the only way to destroy capitalism is by doing capitalism so much that it's like when Neo steps in, they put him in the machine.

Yes.

And he fights.

And he knows all the fucking kung fu.

And he knows all the...

So it's the end of the matrix, and instead of putting me into the machine, you need to put fentanyl into my arm.

That's right.

And then he'll see everything very clearly.

Yeah.

The show's 500th episode recorded this February

on the anniversary of the Sanders' victory in the Caucasus, trying to Pico's campaign.

Damn, they've done 500.

How many episodes have we done?

Have we done 500 episodes?

I have no idea.

Oh, fuck it.

Oh, man.

No, this is the 270th episode, I think.

Yeah, but we also do bonus episodes.

Oh, that's right.

Then you know what?

Oh my God, hold on.

500?

Yeah, literally this Sunday will be the 500th episode.

Are you serious?

Yeah, because this is 270 and the premium's 230, so that's 500.

Oh, my God.

I know.

It makes you want to kill yourself, doesn't it?

This sucks.

Makes you want to kill yourself even more.

Either kill myself or maybe go on to a website and place some wagers.

Right?

Play some.

Oh, yeah.

At mybookie.ag.

Yeah, I was going to kill myself because I realized when I was 19, I wanted to do stand-up comedy more than anything in the world, and somehow I'm trapped on this gay ass podcast 500 episodes later.

But then I decided, no,

I'm going to bet money on the Olympics using mybookie.ag,

get so rich, bet all my podcast money on a sure thing,

double it, and then get so rich I can get a fucking BBL and have a luscious fat ass and all my problems will go away.

Yeah, I'm just trying to have a fleetboard brom that I raise a family in.

Yes, sir.

That's it.

I want to open my fucking surf and turf restaurant.

Every four years, trade out the wife for a younger, bigger titty bitch.

That would be awesome.

We all just live.

Like a lease.

We live in that Cadillac.

And I'm snorting lines off the dashboard.

Yep.

Illegally parked.

Absolutely.

In some city, Trenton, maybe.

Trenton.

Yeah, we have a beautiful.

Trenton makes the world takes.

Trenton makes my dick hard.

That's what they put on the bridge.

Trenton makes I'm going to get that tattoo, dude.

That would be awesome.

Whatever that bridge is.

Yeah.

And then written on it, Trenton makes my dick hard.

That would be a great.

If you're listening to the show, get that tattoo, show it to Stav at the show.

Do not show me a tattoo of Nick or me or anyone.

Go ahead.

If you're the guy that wrote this New Yorker article, get a tattoo on your forehead of the Trenton Bridge, and it says, Trenton makes my dick hard.

That's true.

If you're that guy, do it.

And then if you really want to be post-dirt bag left, prove it.

Prove it, baby.

By getting that tattoo.

Check mate, Mr.

Anthony Maurizio, whatever the fuck.

Maurizio De Pussy Sacchio.

Yeah.

No, I'm sorry.

The penis penisacchio.

I'm Mauricio de Pussysacchio.

This is, here we go.

We're now 37,000 words into this essay.

I found the episode hard to finish

because the humor was too vulgar.

Shut the fuck up.

And not because the observations were unfounded, but because none of it seemed to matter.

It was like, watch how do you think?

The lack of self-awareness to write.

Oh, this doesn't seem to matter.

My long read in The New Yorker about,

don't listen to Chapo, listen to Chapo 2 with some guy who I had bourbon with.

Well, we pretended

we were revolutionary.

They probably don't even like these guys.

They just needed a way.

They needed to suck something off so they could immediately get into it.

They couldn't just trash Chapo, right?

They had to fucking ease into it by complimenting somebody else.

Let's fucking get our dick sucked by Maurizio.

At mybookie.

At mybookie.ag.

Which I tell you, our good friend Roy over at mybookie.ag love that guy.

If you ever find yourself in the mybookie.ag offices, you say, take me to your media buying department.

I want to meet that cocksuit.

That's Roy.

That cock sucking Roy.

I want to suck that fucking cock.

I want to suck that fucking shit.

I want to suck that fucking cock right here, right now.

Because of the incredible deals he's given me through Comtown.

Because he's shown me, he's given me a piece of the ear pussy that I can't even.

You know, something.

Definitely something.

Well, he said he emailed me shit from this week, but I don't see the email here.

Here's what you can bet on.

Sporting events to go on.

The Olympics.

Going on to mention Olympic baseball.

Do you remember the Olympics?

Gymnastics, boxing, etc., folks.

Yeah, folks.

There's a lot of good shit you can bet on.

And listen, football's coming up.

It says MLB baseball.

I love it.

Don't bet on the fucking Japanese league.

Don't bet on the Nipponese league.

Yeah.

Super Nippon League.

MLB baseball.

UFC, we got Derek the Black Beast versus Cyril Gain.

The Black Beast is such an awesome nickname.

That is a pretty good one.

And you know, all the other black guys in the UFC are like, damn.

Yeah.

I could have been that instead of the Black Beauty.

Damn, I'd love to be the Black Beauty.

If I was a Black Fighter, I would be the Black Beauty.

The Black Beauty?

Stop Ross the Black Beauty, Halkis.

I would be Darth Vader.

That would be awesome.

Yeah, just steal him.

Licensed shit.

Darth Vader, Mullen.

The Black UFC guy.

We got a big fight.

Tonight, this is what we bet on Derek, the Black UFC guy.

Stavros, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Halkis.

Versus Cyril Gain, which sounds like a fucking

Cormac McCarthy name.

Cyril Gain.

Yeah, like a guy who owns a fucking...

What ethnicity is that even?

Probably white trash.

Yeah.

So I had to guess.

Let's look up Cyril Gain.

Let's see if he's hot.

Wait, hold on.

I don't want to lose my place in this.

I'll look him up.

This article.

No, you can, dude.

No, no, because we're just going to go through this whole thing.

Okay.

And then not pay attention when the

guy who wrote it spends a week complaining on Twitter about it.

Oh, yeah, absolutely not.

Oh, Cyril Gain is a, he also appears to be black, and he is kind of hot.

I mean, he's jacked.

Oh, well, I guess he has to earn the title of the Black Beast.

What's the guy he's fighting?

Derek the Black Beast Gaines.

Derek Gaines.

Derek the Entertainer.

Derek the Entertainer.

Derek the Black Beast Lewis.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

This guy's not as hot as Cyril.

But he does appear to be a black beast, if you ask me.

That's a good nickname for him.

Oh, fuck my ass cheeks.

Yeah.

Yeah, so you want to bet.

There's a ton of shit you can bet on.

Listen, the NFL's coming up.

Do you think Tom Brady's bitch ass is going to win another ring?

You can fucking bet that at the beginning of the year.

Is Aaron Rodgers going to fucking retire and go host Jeopardy and suck cock on the sneak behind his

news promo code behind his fiancé's back?

Come Cometown or Cometown 20.

One of those ought to do it.

Is America gonna win the world

the

gold medal?

The golden penis.

The golden schlong.

They're giving out a golden penis at the Olympics.

They should do that, dude.

Give out gold cock.

Yeah, golden penis statue.

I'd go to the Olympics if they did that.

That's the only reason.

You ever been to the Olympics?

Huh?

You ever been to Olympia?

I was invited.

For what?

Flying.

What do you mean?

They tried to have, I'll tell you this.

You think I'm lying?

1987, they invited me to the Olympics for fucking.

I was because that in the old neighborhood, everybody knew.

Everybody knew I was throwing dick better than anybody.

Than the whole, anybody on the street.

They tried to put fucking in the Olympics back then, but the South Koreans said they weren't going to do it.

87 Olympics, South Korea, look it up.

Next time you're at the library, look it up on the computer.

Next time you're at the library.

Look it up on the motherfucking computer.

Go ahead, ask the librarian.

Put my name in there.

Derek Cereal.

Derek Cristian.

The Black Beast Cereal.

Derek, the Black Captain Crunch Cereal.

Olympics fucking.

Type it in.

Yeah, there's a lot of beautiful wages you can put in.

And I feel like our friends over at at My Bookie, they got a deal for us, don't they, Nick, of some kind?

Where?

My Bookie?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You got to check the Super Spreader event.

Super Spreader events.

And

they match your deposit up to $1,000

for free Republic credits.

For some type of gambling credit.

I don't really know how it works.

I have too much money to worry about.

I don't like free money.

You guys like free money.

I like earning money.

Drunk motherfuckers

like that shit.

Yeah.

I go leverage, dude.

Margin.

I'm always gambling on margin.

I love margin.

I put $25 down, multiply it times $50.

I say, let me get...

I want $50,000.

I love leveraging my position.

Yeah.

I want $50,000 on the Diamondbacks.

Yeah.

And then now I owe $8.2 million to mybookie.ag.

But leverage is powerful.

I tell them Molin Labe or however you call it.

Yeah, Molon La Ver.

However you say it.

Come and get it, motherfucker.

Yeah, yeah.

I got that tattooed right underneath the Trenton Bridge.

That's right.

Trenton digs my dick hard.

Molon la Ver.

Come and get it.

Yeah.

That actually makes sense because what you're saying is my dick is hard because of Trenton.

Why don't you come and suck my dick?

Why don't you come?

Yeah.

That's good.

That's good.

A lot of you guys thought this was a stupid show for guys that didn't understand things like

Time to Say Goodbye, Left Anchor, Death Panel, and The Dig.

Which are other shows you can listen to instead of Chappa.

According to this, these motherfuckers really are jealous, man.

Yeah.

Sorry, dude.

It was never going to be you.

You never had the sauce, Maurizio.

You didn't have the sauce.

You couldn't do it.

You weren't rookie at the end.

Your balls weren't as heavy as

big balls, Billy Meneker.

All right?

Keep fucking crying about it.

My man's over here.

He's getting paid.

He's watching good movies.

He's making an incredible.

What did he make us that one time in the cabin?

That beautiful pasta?

Who?

Big Balls Billy Menneker.

Oh, I don't know, but it's delicious.

He's a very good guy.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

These motherfuckers will never be our boy.

So stop writing articles.

Everything that fucking Will has ever made that I've eaten is delicious.

Including his asshole, which you think loves to munch on.

All right.

Yes.

You ate Will's ass.

You know what?

And he made you, by the way.

You know what, dude?

You didn't want to.

And we were all laughing at the podcaster party.

We had a common enemy, an Andrew Morantz.

Fuck that guy, too.

But you did eat Will's ass.

I did not eat that's ass.

And everybody loved it.

No.

Except for you.

No.

We were all

having a really good time.

Everybody loved eating Will's ass, except for me.

No, we all loved watching you do that.

Because I didn't want to, and you wanted your life.

It's my turn to eat ass.

No, we just loved seeing you do that.

It's my

because you know what?

Because it's nice to see your friends doing what they're good at.

Yeah.

And you finally admitted what you're good at is eating a man's ass.

Yeah, and if anyone can judge eating, it's you.

That's true.

Thank you.

And I can.

And

I was right, and you're good at it.

Oh, fuck, dude.

My fucking Platino chips lunch is coming back up.

Yeah.

I had a gentleman's lunch of plantain garlic chips.

Anyways, fuck this guy for taking shots at

Will, who got his ass eaten by

you.

Don't try and fucking spin this part because this is the part that's the most important.

Pal, the only spin you know about is watching a cotton candy machine going around waiting for Spin City.

Waiting for me.

It's Spin City with Michael J.

Fox.

And later, Charlie,

you hand

the can of whipped cream to him and say he shakes it up.

Get it ready for me.

Yeah, I like it all over the place.

I want it inserted into my mouth.

I don't, yep.

What's wrong with with that?

Like a hamster's feeder.

Oh, you're telling me you wouldn't let fucking Michael J.

Fox, a screen legend,

Back to the Future, feed you whipped cream?

I would say, Let me meet the DeLorean.

Well, and he would say, Maybe I will if you fucking were a good guy and let me put a little whipped cream in your mouth.

How about that show, the man DeLorean?

And it's a DeLorean, but it's got a big pair of tits on the front.

Wouldn't that be the woman DeLorean?

No, it's a good DeLorean for guys.

Okay.

That's what I thought that show was, and then it turns out to be a bunch of gay Star Wars shows.

That's true.

That would be an awesome car.

Would the tits be on the windshield, or would they be where would they be on the where would you put the tits?

I'm asking.

On the car?

Where would you put the tits?

On the hood.

On the hood.

Awesome.

That's awesome.

Yep.

That would be fucking awesome.

Would it have a pussy you could fuck?

Nah.

No?

No, I don't want to fuck the car.

I just wanted I want I don't want it in my

tits.

don't you want to fuck it?

No, it's just, you know, it's like putting up porn in

the office.

You know, like mechanics.

I love that movie.

It'd be funny if there's a guy that was just like a like a like a physician.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your doctor.

It's just like, yeah, just like some 1980s leaning over

the biggest, fakest, hardest tits you've ever seen in your life.

An Asian woman with a snake around her shoulder and her pussy out.

Yeah.

He's like, well, it's a guy's, I'm a guy.

It's a guy's doctor's office.

Yeah.

Or a cashier at a supermarket has it in his stall.

A public notary.

You got to get like a title signed over.

Hell yeah.

He's just got

a foolish pair of titties.

Just a bitch holding a wrench.

Holding a wrench on the hood of like a barracuda.

Yeah, that would be awesome.

That's true, man.

Why do only mechanics get that?

That's got to go.

That's got to spread.

Yeah, well, that's the only thing their union demanded.

No health care.

They just get porn.

It's watch pussy.

Yeah.

It's good to see pussy.

Nice.

Just filling your lungs with brake dust and getting fucking mesothelioma.

But at least you get to see whole

all day.

I definitely, my dad, I've said this before, but my dad had some of that going on as a carpenter, and I definitely jacked off.

I would take the calendar into the bathroom with me, jack off, and put it back.

Yeah.

All right, well, I guess now we're looking at Andrew Morantz's Twitter.

Fuck this guy.

I want to talk about vacation, dude.

Well, I just want to get through the show.

This was presented to me.

Sure.

At the right time, by the way.

Somebody texted you as we started recording.

And I'm shooting.

We haven't done a nice little shoot from the hip in a while.

That's true.

know?

That's true.

Just to say, fuck these guys.

And I'm with, listen, I'm with that.

I love to say fuck these guys.

Yeah.

Fucking losers.

I hope this guy doesn't have a sister with big tits.

Oh, that would be fucking tragic.

Now you can't titty fuck me.

Can I say it?

Hold on, hold on.

If you have a sister, if, man, if you exist and you have big tits,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I didn't think of it.

I'm sorry.

My brother was a retard.

I apologize.

Everything I was saying was a joke.

Will is gay.

I don't like him.

Felix can suck my dick.

You can't even eat his ass, to be honest.

Nick did, unless you don't exist.

In which case, Nick did eat his ass.

He's cool.

I fuck with Felix.

I fuck with the whole goddamn team.

Matt is a good ass.

You do exist.

But if you're real, fuck Matt.

Fuck his little cloth shorts that he wears everywhere.

Please let me tinny pump.

I promise I'm a good guy.

Me and Andrew can get along.

We'll hang out.

We'll play Cornhole.

We'll listen to the podcast.

We'll drink bourbon.

We're going to fucking have a sip of bourbon at your parents' house and we'll play Cornhole.

We'll sit around the fire pit.

I'll charm the whole family.

Then we'll get back to you.

At 8, 9 p.m., I'll titty fuck you when I'm full of hush-puppies.

That would be awesome.

And when I'm fucking my guts hanging over you.

Yeah.

I'm on my guts when we both barely breathe.

I get rug burn on the bottom of my gut from your fucking bloated tits.

And Andrew's in his own bedroom.

Yep.

Fucking his probably

Chinese girlfriend.

You think so?

Probably.

I get those kind of vibes.

Okay.

And but let me say this: if you don't exist, fuck that guy.

But if you're real, what's up?

What if you're real?

What's up?

If you're real,

let's talk titty fucking.

Let's talk titty fuck.

Let's talk in titties.

One of my favorite.

The post-dirt bag left.

What a cool thing to be.

Again, I'm part of the ball bag left where I like to get my balls sucked.

That's the part that's the left I'm on.

So put that in your little fucking articles.

The ball bag left.

And the titty fucking left.

The two types of leftism I support.

Ball bag, getting your ball sucked, and titty fucking left.

Okay?

That's the kind of shit we're on.

I gotta we should just we should find a hobby so we can transition this into being about something that's

to be untouched by all of this.

We might have to get into Warhammer 3000.

We should just

make it a movie podcast.

We should.

But movies are too close.

It can't be anything that has any kind of culture or anything you can look into.

Okay.

It's got to be.

We should become a deep Lord of the Rings lore podcast.

That's too gay.

I can't.

Well, okay, man.

It's fucking throwing shit out there.

It's also too, I just said it can't be a movie podcast.

You immediately just picked it up.

It's a book.

How about that, Chief?

All right.

There's books of it.

It's a book.

Who read those books?

I did.

Literally, nobody.

Everyone saw the movie.

A lot of fucking guys.

That's one of those books everybody pretends to have read.

Yeah, like

I don't fucking know enough books.

I don't know enough.

Really?

There's one?

Not one.

I don't know if you've read.

Not even the topic of books that you've read.

It's books that you've pretend to have read, and the answer is there's no possible answer.

I don't know.

The old man in the sea?

Moby Dick.

How about that?

Yeah.

I don't know why I'm only thinking of nautical books.

I'm looking at your bookshelf.

They're all how to.

None of them are about how to do it.

How to be gay for you.

For guys who are straight.

For guys who are actually straight.

So you can understand.

So you can understand your friends.

I don't understand your friends game on

it's not what the book says

i'm i it's not what it says i'm looking at it right now and i i yes i remember i remember reading it

that is not what it says

it just says the first part

it has nothing to do with you having a friend or being straight

yeah i gotta the thing is is that you can't leave New York and move, like, the only thing the guys like me moved from New York, and they're like, I'm gonna move to Stone Mountain, Georgia to be in the Klan and buy a bunch of guns.

Yeah.

And now I've moved here.

I spent the first month building a podcasting studio.

And you can't, I don't want to be that guy.

Yeah, Nick DePaulo.

Yeah, that's not the move.

I want to move to like, nah.

Not for me because the move would have to be and then you quit podcasting.

Right.

What I'm going to do is I'm going to buy the rights to Blockbuster.

Awesome.

And move to a time when I'm going to have have my money guy find a place where Blockbuster is viable.

Okay.

And move to the town, restart Blockbuster, and just employ myself as the Blockbuster checkout guy.

That's awesome.

And you hire the rest of the staff.

I'm the only one that's allowed to smoke weed.

Perfect.

And if I don't, if I'm not incredibly high to the point where I can't function, then I'm fired.

Yes.

That's awesome.

And

you turn that into a prison.

That's really good, dude.

I would love to just live that live your adolescence forever.

Shouts out to Blockbuster, my alma mater.

I quit by just not showing up and my boss kept calling me and I had to pretend I pretended I got evicted or something.

Yeah.

'Cause I'm too much of a coward to admit I was quitting.

But, you know, I had a nice six months there.

Watched a lot of movies for the first time.

That was the only time I ever watched movies in my life

until like recently.

If I didn't watch it during freshman year of college, while this was the break when I was a blockbuster, I never watched it.

But

yeah, I'm just still thinking about should I buy Martin on DVD?

Yeah, of course, dude.

That's not even a fucking question.

That's not even a fucking question, Chief.

Yeah.

Damn, I want to write a little gay ass article for the New Yorker.

You could.

On the post, post dirtbag left.

It's time to admit it.

We're having sex with children.

A lot of people have shied away from this and tried to cover it up by talking about books.

Talking about a bunch of gay ass books.

And I know these books mean more to me because my dad was in the union.

And that's why when I tell you how to

be a condescending dickhead at bourbon bars,

it really means something.

We're moving past that.

And we're coming out in the open as guys that have sex with mentally disabled children.

That would be good.

You could probably get published.

Yeah,

I could be a New Yorker writer if I wanted to.

I'm going to make

a magazine called The New Porker.

And it's both about

three things.

Pork.

It's about getting pussy.

Yeah.

And

it's about fat men style tips.

I'm going to write a memoir about my time in the Olympics for flying.

Where you just jump off a building.

You're Suck Dicorus.

No.

That's what your book's called.

Suck Dicorus.

The man who flew too close to the sun.

Licorice.

And fell onto a man's blood.

You're Lord Licorice.

No, you're Lord Licorice.

Thank you for admitting that, by the way.

By the way, thank you for admitting that you're Lord Licorice because you were fighting it.

You're Lard Fatterus.

No, I'm not.

Lard Assaris.

No, I am not that.

Yes.

I'm cool, guys.

Gets pusseris.

And you are actually suck dicarous.

I can't wait until they

fall down.

They find your fossil

onto a man's cock.

They find your fossil in a million years.

And they're like,

wow, half man, half manatee.

No, they wouldn't say that.

Half man, half manatee.

I have all the fucking skeletal functions of a man.

A sea porpoise slash.

There's nothing about me that's porpoise.

It's a missing link when humans devolved into being obese

sea animals killed by boats.

You know what?

I wish I was a manatee.

You know what?

You're right.

They're going to find you at the bottom of the battle.

Half man, half manatee.

They're going to be like, the Cheshire Basin is

filled with Greek whale people.

Half-manatee.

And they were all killed by boats.

Because you've seen that video where the manatee sucks its own dick.

He's got a big dick, and that's me.

And that's the episode, folks.

My dick is big, and Nick's dick is small, and he sucked Dickoricks.

And we'll see you fucking

this Sunday.

Go to Cometown.com.

Remember, you've got to support the post-dirtbag left by subscribing to this renegade, this truth-telling.

We're the renegades of funk.

We're the ones that are building a cohesive left movement that will finally

change things.

The titty fucking left slash the ball bag left.

And make all the time you spent at those DSA meetings worth something.

Because you certainly didn't get any pussy on them.

You certainly did not even get a smidge

of all that pussy.

He told you that he was a little bit more.

I'm not doing it for the pussy, but if I happen to get a piece, I mean,

well, you know, I'm certainly not going to turn a piece of pussy down.

I'll certainly, you know, I'll be.

Yes, ma'am.

You can give me a piece of your pussy, but I just want you to know I'm doing this because I have principles that I learned from my homework that I can't stop doing.

I'm 37 years old, and I can't stop doing homework.

Can I have some pussy now?

Yeah, go to patreon.com this Sunday.

You're going to love our most experimental episode yet.

Oh, this is trending on Twitter.

Chapo.

Many discuss an article in the New Yorker titled The Post-Dirt Bag Left, written by Andrew Morantz, which examines the podcast Trappo Trapass.

Oh, Wolf is trending.

Now I feel now it sucks.

Fuck this guy.

He got exactly what he wanted.

Little fucking slut.

Yeah.

Fucking slut.

Andrew Morantz.

More like Andrew.

I hope this isn't rude to say, but it would be kind of funny if that guy got prostate cancer.

No.

No.

What?

That's not a threat?

You could.

I know it's not a threat.

All right, I'll take it back, but the only reason I'm taking it back is so I don't get prostate cancer.

And I'm taking it back.

Because his sister has big tits.

There might be Indian people listening to this, trying to do that karma shit to me.

And I got mine.

I know what you guys are up to.

Oh, yeah.

You folks.

Oh, yeah.

I was like wondering the other day, like, if an Indian woman does right, you know, she's like a Mother Teresa sort of type.

When she dies, does she come back as an Indian woman with even bigger tits?

I think so.

Is that the rule?

That's how it goes.

Is that the rule?

When you max out on tits, then you get to be a guy.

Call up 1-800-98-ROCK and ask them.

Yeah, find the number again.

Yeah, find the number again and ask them.

The Indian women come back with bigger tits, you think?

If they do write.

Ninety-eight rock.

Yeah.

The the there's the untouchables and there's a cup,

you know, A, B, C, D, all the way up.

Yep.

And then once you get to H,

you do if you're if you're an H titty H titty woman, you happen to be sisters with Andrew Morantz, and you let us titty fuck you despite or feud with your mentally disabled brother.

Or because of it.

Whichever way it works for you.

However it works, you do that.

guess what you get to come back as a homeless man

you get to come back as andrew murder

yeah so call 800-737-0098 yeah and ask them wow this woman uh

uh has something in common with you stuff race says she doesn't went viral at age she doesn't whatever it is no she doesn't for skateboarding in a fairy costume uh i never did that yeah you did but that's cool I like that.

From Brazil.

She went to the Olympics.

Oh, yeah, she got the silver medal.

I saw that.

The silver medal.

Respect.

Shouts out to her.

She's trying to eat it in this picture.

She's our cool guy of the week, and Andrew Morant is our little dick bitch of the week.

Yeah.

We're doing new segments here.

I'm going off.

We have a new Durant segment where we Andrew Morant

about some guy that's got ants in his pants.

Who's got an ant-sized penis.

Where is he?

Yeah.

Were we talking about that

what's did i dream that the ant penis thing i don't know somebody having an ant's penis

fuck what was that i couldn't tell you but brother

i couldn't tell you little chief

ant penis

damn

Well, it's like it's weird because you know it's like you know it's kind of pathetic because I'm like, well, it has to have been on the show because I don't socialize or talk to anybody outside of this podcast.

I don't think it was on the show.

Because at this point in my life, literally have no social outlet other than this fucking podcast that I fucking hate.

I have nothing.

I don't have a fancy.

It could have been at the bar.

No, it wasn't at the bar.

It could have been doing cocaine.

I mean, no, actually, you know what?

I don't even want to say it.

The problem is being a cocaine addict is that, like, once you're a cocaine addict, anytime you say, like, actually, I haven't been doing cocaine, it just people are like, oh, okay, pal.

Right, right.

Right, right, right, right.

Oh, it's been three days.

Yeah, yeah.

And you're like, oh, I haven't been doing it.

It makes you more of a cocaine addict.

It's not,

you know.

Yeah, I get it.

Yeah.

So that girl from Brazil, cool guy of the week.

The guy from the New Yorker, Little Dick motherfucker.

Mm-hmm.

The small ass fucking dick of the week.

And, you know, don't forget to buy those tickets to see the tour.

Buy my shirts at the shows.

Buy Nick's shirts, but don't bring them to my show or you will be escorted out.

As a matter of principle, I will not be taking pictures with anyone in merch that I didn't see any money from.

Because fundamentally, folks, this is a business.

And

I forgot what I was going to say because I'm thinking about getting Korean food later.

What's Korean food?

You know, binbop, fucking.

Oh, right.

Korean food.

Yeah, what did you think I said?

I don't know.

Just for whatever reason, there was like a division in my mind between Korean and food, and it just didn't populate like

it didn't materialize in my head.

There was just like a whole.

Sure.

It was like Korean food.

You ever have that?

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

Just doesn't work.

Yeah.

That happened to me with like a school bus, like somewhat recently.

You're like, wait, they teach on the bus?

Not literally.

I was like, a school bus.

What the hell?

Where did the chalkboard go?

What the fuck?

What are the fucking you talking about, man?

Well,

folks, I'm going to go get tan.

I got to go pack my bags for Athens, Greece.

Yeah.

And, you know, I guess

keep on keeping on, soul brothers.

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