Ep. 261 – I dunno man

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Well,

folks, we did

that just tires.

Yeah, you missed it.

We did about 30 seconds to the show.

So it's kind of hard for us to come back for it.

We're all pissed.

We lost 30 seconds of the show.

This fun little thing we did about Just Tires, which

it was racist.

You want to try again?

No.

The Magic Squirrel, dude.

The Magic

Shallow.

The Magic Johnson.

That guy's name sounds kind of like he's got got a great cock.

That's interesting.

He's got a magic cocks.

And it's almost like

his cock,

because it's magical.

That's why he didn't die of AIDS.

Well, he magically lost his AIDS.

Maybe it's spelled M magic with a K, and he's a Satanist.

Oh, he's doing black.

He's doing Aleister Crowley-style magic.

There's black folks, they only got a couple of names, huh?

It's either Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson, Michael B.

Jordan,

B.

Jordan Jackson, B.

Jordan Jackson,

B.

B.

King, Martin B.

B.

King, Martin B.

B.

King Jr.

Martin Lawrence King.

Martin Lawrence King.

Lawrence of Arabia.

Lawrence of Arabia.

Who's actually black?

Saudi Arabia.

Saudi...

Myers.

Saudi Myers.

Saudi Murphy.

Saudi Murphy.

Saudi 5000.

Andre 5,000.

Right, right.

Andre 7,000.

Andre 27.

Iguadala.

Johnny 27.

Johnny number 5.

Johnny number 12.

Mambo number 5.

Lou Bega.

Lou Bega.

That's another black.

Lou Bagels.

Lou Bagels.

No, he's not black.

He is black.

He's not black.

He's black.

He's black.

He's not black.

You know who I found out was the best.

Bagel boss.

Bagel boss.

Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel.

No, not Vin Diesel.

President Warren G.

Harding.

Mike Diesel.

Nearly was black.

No, he wasn't.

Yes, and he got a lot of pussy.

Everyone knows he got pussy.

Warren G.

Harding is another black.

Warren G.

Harding.

First of all, yes, Warner Brothers.

Warren G was named after if you see the police, Warren Warner Brothers.

Warner Brothers.

That's black.

The Tasmanian devil.

Sylvester the Cat, Six Flags.

Yes.

Brian Six, the comedian from Philadelphia.

I don't know.

He's black.

Okay.

I'm pretty sure.

That's awesome.

He might be white, but

I'm thinking.

It doesn't matter, man.

Just keep saying things for an hour.

Keep free associating.

Let's go.

What were you saying?

Warren G.

Harding's black?

I know that he wrote those letters about wanting to fuck his mistress.

Warren G.

So it's a.

So, yes.

So Warren G.

Harding was the first black president.

Bill Clinton was the second.

Right.

And then Barack Obama was

at the most the third.

But Donald Trump was the first.

Boo.

He was the first one we treated like a boo.

Was that a meme or is that something we joked about on the show?

I don't know.

This is a picture of Obama.

It says, you know, like first black president and then Donald Trump and it says first N-word president.

I've never seen that.

No, maybe it was just something in my head that I was smiling about while in line at the ice cream truck.

Sounds like it, man.

Yeah.

But it's a keen observation.

I'll give you that.

First of all, look at the picture of this.

This is an African-American gentleman.

He's not black.

That's a black man.

Not at all.

You know who is black?

Is Brian Ruth from

Babe Ruth is Dominican.

Everyone says that, and you know what?

I believe it.

Yeah, he was a K-Lo-K-Pop kind of guy.

Babe Ruth, famous orphan.

Was he?

Yeah, his parents gave him up for adoption because he was bad.

He's a bad guy.

And the only, there was a priest who taught him baseball and saved his life.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He was originally on the.

Those are the stories about the Catholic Church you you don't hear.

Yeah.

Everyone wants to talk about when they fucked the kid in the ass.

He taught the Bambino how to play.

The Great Bambino.

And yes, he did get fucked in the ass.

You got to pay the cost to be the boss.

That's exactly the best.

As some might say.

That's exactly what it is.

And the cost.

Hugo boss.

That's

on the Sunday episode, we were talking about great names.

Hugo boss.

One of the best names of all time.

His name is Boss.

Hugo Boss.

Damn, dude.

I wish my name was fucking the designer famously of the Nazi uniforms.

Right.

Is that true?

I feel like that's another

J spiracy.

No, it's not a J Spiracy.

A what?

A J Spiracy.

I've never said the Nazis didn't dress slick.

I've said a lot of other things that are bad about them, but not a pre-cultural

monetary report.

And it's like minority report, but they have precogs that

can tell if somebody's going to say something anti-Semitic.

Right.

And they arrest people for it.

It's sort of a dystopian future.

What does that have to do with it?

I don't know.

It factors in in certain ways.

Why is that the monetary report?

Well, they have to pay them.

Oh, yeah.

The precogs are wealthy.

Instead of a pool of water, it's the coin room from DuckTales.

Yeah.

Listen, I'm seeing a lot of stuff that says Warren G.

Harding wasn't America's first black president, but I think that is that ishing.

But, you know, people, the barbershop, the job, the cooking.

When you're getting lined up, how about Warren Peace Harding?

He's like, oh, Marshall,

look at how big this book is.

What's for breakfast?

More cabbage.

Yeah.

Have you guys read War and Peace?

Cover to cover.

Yeah, I've read every book ever.

I read the books.

Especially The Russians.

Dostoevsky.

Tchaikovsky.

Toy Storyvsky, right?

Toy Storyevsky?

Yeah.

That's my favorite Russian author.

How about that?

Have you ever read any...

Oh, that's going to be a really gay shit.

Go ahead.

No.

It's too bad.

Have you ever read Chekhov?

I've read plays.

Reading plays.

No, I read like his short stories.

Adam's reading plays.

No, you haven't.

His short stories are all like the like morals, but the

the morals are always really like

like unfulfilling.

You know, Chekhov, you know, his famous quote?

What's that?

Fuck you.

He said that to you in Potato.

He was talking to Adam Friedland.

No, that's not true.

He was like, in a couple hundred years, there will be a lot of people.

Fuck you.

Probably sounded weird.

There was one guy that came up with it.

He was like getting bullied.

And he's like, fuck you.

And people are like,

you know, and they like laughed at it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then an even bigger bully was like actually we are going then we are gonna that is cool that is cool

And then everyone the school was like whoa And he became the number two bully after the big bully Yeah

remember when everyone do you guys do you guys know this uh

wives tale really embarrassed by what I just said about chat yeah no it's good it's good that you are that fuck remember when everyone I don't know do you guys w did people in your school say that fuck started when it was uh the king was giving permission?

Fornicate under consent of the king?

Yeah, everybody's heard that one.

Yeah.

Well, I asked you guys, have you heard it?

Yeah,

I still adhere to

you only get pussy when the king tells you.

You can't tell me when a bus.

Kings tell me when to fuck my wife.

Are there any kings left?

There's queen.

I mean, I guess the Saudis, right?

Yeah, well, they have.

I don't know if they're kings.

I guess they're kings.

Yeah, because they have princes.

Damn, dude, look at that fucking beach.

I know, it's nice.

Island style.

Oh, by the way, guys,

Funny Moms is, we're recording this a couple of days ago, but Funny Moms is back tonight.

Tonight and next week are going to be sold out.

But please continue to check out.

Continue to buy for the future.

But come on, everybody, website.

We are very excited about tonight.

Getting back on stage and reconnecting with our gorgeous.

I'm pretty tired, honestly.

Yeah, I'm already tired.

I'm already tired of it.

It might just be you, Adam.

Are you going to have me get fucking slaughtered by these guys?

It's going to be the same thing that would happen every time where I go, we host, and I think I'm going to do a spot, but then I get what I want out of hosting.

No, just do a spot.

Yeah, I don't.

And now that I have to go back to Queens, I don't know if I'm

ever coming back.

And then you get up.

I thought we were all gung-ho.

No, now

it's, it's, I'm going to turn it into me going through the newspaper and telling you what the real story is.

Okay.

And we lock the doors, and I light a bunch of candles.

And then that's why you know i really i blow people's minds sure and we got pyrotechnics also uh oh yeah might be might be a problem

um we'll see who could have foreseen such a tragedy at the at the fireworks the government needs to let us have fireworks show

yeah so um would you buy a gun if they let us buy guns here In New York?

Probably not.

If they like change, if the law radically changed.

I don't see a reason to have one.

Because they're fun.

Yeah, but you can go to the firing range and fuck around with them, but you have to

go buy a prostitute, but it's much funnier to own your own sex slaves.

That's true.

Make sex slaves chained up

at the foot of the recorder, right?

That's not much funner.

Ironclad argument.

That's a great point, Nick.

It's much better to just have a woman chained to your recorder.

I prefer.

See, that's where we differ, dude.

I prefer the...

You have too much maintenance.

You always have to get her pussy re-tightened at the pussy dock.

Isn't it fun to have one in your house?

You got to oil your own.

You got to disassemble an oiler.

Yeah, that's true.

I would rather just show up, fuck the prostitute, the prostitute owner.

He's in charge of tuning her up.

I like going to the

meeting up with the prostitute and having just a nice conversation about what her vibe is, who her guys are, doing kind of a W.

Yeah, you hire prostitutes to make them call you Mark.

You take them to a garage and you interview the there's probably some shitty comic that's like, yeah, I started a uh the theme is I interview prostitutes.

There's a really bad uh there's an artist guy that did a thing where he'd h hire prostitutes and have them draw him.

Draw him, how?

Which I think is like and then he would probably sell their work for fucking

dollars.

Yeah, yeah.

What's his name?

I forgot the guy's name.

Garfield.

It's Jim Davis.

Jim Davis.

That would be so awesome.

If Jim Davis was getting prostitutes.

It's just Jim Davis.

He's like, just fucked a prostitute.

And she's like sprawled out on the bed.

And he's smoking a cigarette.

And they're both laying there.

And he's like casually just drawing Odie on her inner thigh.

Yeah.

She's like, oh, Jim.

You worked my fucking box over like you wouldn't believe.

She's a local

Wilmington, Indiana prostitute.

Right.

Just drawing John Arbreckle's face on one of her ass cheeks with a sharpening.

I got a great idea.

Just sit still.

Dude, he brands them.

Yeah.

That's how you know you got fucked by Jim's Davis.

You got G'd.

You're fucking welcome.

You're welcome, whore.

I'm worth $1.9 billion.

Every time someone fucks your ass, they'll think about James.

Yeah, they'll remember that Jimmy Arbuckles, you know.

James, this pussy property of Jim Davis.

Yeah, that's right.

Who do you think fucked more, him or the guy who drew Family Circus?

He just draws Garfield sitting facing on her inner thigh, but facing towards her knee.

And Garfield's tail is just sort of shoved into her body.

That would be awesome.

And Garfield's just smiling.

Yeah.

That would be awesome.

Or a cat's tail could be pretty good at tickling a clit, you'd think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Garfield's big puffy tail.

Puffy tail, tickling a clit.

But what if the girl's allergic to cats?

That's a great question.

Then her clip would get itchy.

Yeah.

But then scratching your clip probably feels good.

Yeah, it's like beating off at the more itchy, it gets.

But wouldn't scratching your clip feel like beating off?

Think about that.

I mean, girls rub their clits.

That's what I'm saying.

Do women do that?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Scratching their clits.

Like it works, sure.

Yeah.

No, not till it bleeds at them.

It's a light scratch.

It probably feels good.

I don't understand what it's like to have.

No, like nine-inch nails nails type of girls do that sort of stuff.

These goth girls they have now.

They do have goth girls.

Can you believe that?

I was reading about that.

It is terrifying.

These goth kids that they're trying to, they want to spook people.

They want to scare people.

Yeah.

To me, you know what?

Coming.

On Jenny Jones, we've got some goth teenagers who say that

they're snowballing.

Where they spit cumb into each other's mouths.

And you might think that has nothing to do with being goth, but they're doing it.

They're doing it.

And they're doing it with black lipstick on.

What a weird era.

The Jenny Jones talk show era.

Yeah.

I just wish I was in the audience where I could boo a kid.

That was the point.

When do you think society is going to get back to being afraid of youth culture?

And will it be

libs

or

fucking

Twitter?

It's like guys with like their entire bodies are fupas and they're 43 years old and they like Carly Ray Jepson like arguing.

No, but those guys love

the kids are like the kids today are so much smarter than the kids are all right.

The kids are all right.

They're all radical communists like me

and not just someone that is living in the same time.

It's my understanding as a fat-titted 43-year-old lib narcissist is that children now are

living in the same exact culture I was

20 years ago because I can only understand people as extensions of myself.

And by the way, these kids, they think I am cool.

Yes.

They would like to hang out with me.

Why don't you just drink out of the bottle?

What the fuck are you doing?

No, you're doing it in the dangerous.

What the fuck are you doing?

Adam took out, he finished his cold brew.

He has a bottle of water that he poured into the cup.

I like drinking out with a straw.

Some of the wackiest stuff happens on this show.

Dude, you're really a fucked-up guy.

You're really

in the biz, a pedophile.

No, this has nothing to do with pedophilia.

In the business.

In the business, dude, it's a joke.

Oh.

Well, it's a good thing in the biz.

You know, if I could have dinner, any historical figure of all time, Cheerios bee.

Cheerios bee?

Yeah.

And we'd be having Cheerios for dinner.

In fact, now that I think about it, what I really want is just to have a bowl bowl of Cheerios.

Yeah.

The B doesn't even need to be there.

The B doesn't have to be there?

Dinner with Hitler afterwards, but

pre-gaming with Cheerios.

A little bowl of Cheerios so I don't embarrass myself at dinner with Hitler by

eating too much.

I have to go fully stuck.

Because you know he's going to Adderall.

He's barely going to eat

Adderall vegan type bit.

I'm just going to sort of picket my Caesar salad, maybe just one or two at the croutons.

Of course.

And so Hitler respects me.

And he'll be like, wow, he's not.

And I'm like,

tell me more about the beer hall push.

And then I'd like to burp and throw up a little bit of Cheerios all over the table.

I'm like, that's from somebody else.

That was before we got here.

Now, in this case, are you trying to fuck Hitler?

No, I just, you know,

I mean, he's Hitler.

He can send people.

He killed 6 million people.

You want him to think that he's cool.

Yeah.

He killed more than that?

How many people will he kill?

Well, you're not.

That number

costed 11 million.

We're talking about gypsies.

We're talking about gay guys.

Don't forget about it.

We're talking about communists.

We're talking about a lot of people.

All of us forget the gay guys.

The pink triangle.

The pink triangles.

That would be a fun SNL sketch is to have, you know, it's like the gay people that were in the hallway.

Yeah, where's gay is real?

I mean, I guess it is.

That's real.

That would be pretty funny.

And maybe Bowen Yang can play that character.

That would be very funny.

Yeah.

He's very funny.

Really show his range.

Yeah.

You can play a gay character in that.

No, we're going to the sketch

just to get that job and get fired immediately.

How about the Holocaust?

But they're killing gay Asian men.

Let's see.

Who should play that?

They like, get out.

The fat woman, the lesbian.

The kid who

his dad died in 9-11, but he acts like he got raped.

He acts like

you could not be more molested than that by a plane going into a tower.

Or, I feel like there's somebody.

Anybody want to volunteer?

I don't even want to typecast

here, but perhaps

there's somebody who it's in their wheelhouse or roundhouse, you might say.

they're like leave

leave

you've been mailing us this sketch for 10 years we don't we don't know how you got in sending them like little like like saw like the jigsaw tapes that say play me

um so it's a gay chinese guy

but it's funny it's like it's jigsaw that's saw movies but it's a gay chinese

gay guy and and there's like, and it's a gay Chinese guy, and he's kidnapped by Saw, and they play the tape, and he's like, Wear an outfit that just absolutely clashes in summertime,

or die, or kill yourself.

And the gay guy is like, he's throwing his prep pills away, right?

He's,

you know,

he's trying to put a gun in his mouth, but he can't stop sucking it.

He gets confused every time something goes in his mouth.

That's why all his food has to be milkshakes and who do we have that could play that

oh i'm running out of tape liver die

the choice is yours

and then someone in the writer's room is like stop playing those tapes yeah why do you keep playing those tapes we know who it's from

It says every time it says Adam Friedland on the return of drill.

That's Nick writing my address.

Yeah.

But you know what I was just thinking at the beginning of that riff, right?

So Jews got Israel after the Holocaust.

What did the gay guys get?

What did the gay guys get?

They got the Castro district.

What did the Gypsies get?

The only reason they gave them the Castro was to be mean to Cuba.

The Gypsies got the movie Slimmer.

Is that a good movie?

No.

No.

Well, that's a good movie.

Where they hit a Gypsy with the car?

Yeah.

Whoa, what the fuck?

The guy hits the Gypsy with the car and then he gets cursed.

Yeah, she goes, oh, thinner.

It's not thinner.

Thinner.

Yeah.

What else?

You know what they could get is some

fucking

wallet?

No, no, no.

No, first.

This is what they could get.

Yeah.

It's pretty fucked up that the reparations for the Holocaust for gay guys

was not a beautiful wallet from our friends at ridgewallet.com.

And this is the kind of shit that it doesn't matter if you suck cock, you eat pussy, you get your ass stuffed, you you get your pussy stuffed, you get your cock maybe put into another bigger cock, docking style.

Whatever you're into sexually, Ridge Wallet has an option for you.

If you're a big fat guy, they have the fridge wallet, they do have the fridge wallet, which we've covered in past episodes.

So you can have just a little square, a credit card-sized piece of cheese that you pull out.

I don't see emergency pulling.

That would help

anybody carry their credit cards or money or anything.

Remember that picture online of that fat bitch just eating a block of cheese?

The fat woman in the wheelchair?

Yes, that was awesome.

With the box of Cheez-Its in the back of the wheelchair, she's just eating a block of cheese.

Respect to her.

Yeah.

Respect to her, my sister.

And she was also a valuable customer of

a famous Greek woman.

She's not Greek at all.

She was clearly an American.

Her name was Athenos.

No.

Athenos would be a man's name, you fucking idiot.

Athena.

Fuck.

What's her last name?

Thanks for correcting me.

What are the other Greek bitch names?

Penelope.

Penelope's one, sure.

Persephone.

Persephone's the other one.

Stop right.

I knew a fat lady named Persephone.

She was a dumb bitch.

How about the male version of Persephone is wallet to Sepherphan?

That's right.

Wallet to Persephone.

And you can get the wallet at ridgewallet.com.

In the answer to the question, how about that?

I say, that's awesome.

That's cool.

Yeah, that's really hitting all the notes for Sav.

It's Greek.

It's wallet.

And I gotta say, I wasn't a big wallet guy before this.

I used to just loosely carry shit in my pockets.

He would keep his money under his breast.

I would not do that.

My breasts are not capable of holding one.

He would keep

it.

I don't have a bra.

I am jealous of women that do that.

That seems awesome.

And my love and support to the big titted community, of course, and to the regular,

any titted community.

Well, I actually have no love for the regular titted or small titted community.

Okay, well, we know that you have

tolerance

with a small titty community.

See, I like a small titty as well.

I like all breasts.

That's neither here.

Because you know what?

I have that in common with them.

Well, yeah, you had a rough go with the small titty community.

That's not it.

You brought it up.

I'm saying that.

You said I want to talk about

it.

Shut up.

Come on.

Come on.

It's seven years ago.

No.

Anyway, I hold no prejudice, even though there's one dumb bitch in that community.

I personally, because I have something in common with them that I can't hold my money under my tits just like them,

poorly endowed.

No,

that's not what I have in common.

My penis, if we're going to take it to the metaphor, the breast equals penis, which I would say it doesn't.

But if we're going to say that...

It does.

If we're going to say that, my dick is fine.

It's fine.

Thank you very much.

And you know what?

It's even better when

it's got a Ridge wallet nearby.

Because I don't know about you guys, but my dick has gotten bigger since I started putting a Ridge wallet in my pocket.

Do you find that, fellas?

Oh, yes, definitely.

You get a little more hands.

My dick has gotten a little bit bigger because

it's sort of like

you rise to the occasion.

of what you're you're only as good as your friend show me who your friends are and i'll show you who you are what about the midge wallet and it's like yeah i'm a dumb bitch and uh yeah, you know, I got my fucking wallet here.

Some bitch named Midge.

That's right.

And what I keep in here is extra condoms.

Because I get fucked.

Because I, you know, I'm cheating on my husband, who's

an elevator repairman with a different kind of elevator serviceman.

Whoa.

He handles, yeah.

My husband handles the down stuff,

and I

handle all of the

going when that the other guy I'm fucking he does up elevator moves, okay,

kind of lost her voice there.

I'm fucking both of them, don't you?

Don't you fucking

start sounding like your Virgil impression.

Uh, oh, yeah, hey,

yeah,

I'm Chinese.

I am Chinese Midge.

Wow, here for Midge Wallet, aka RidgeWallet.com.

another thing about me is that I'm gay.

So anyway, that's Midge Wallet.

But Ridge Wallet,

you're cool.

You have that.

And it makes your peen.

The point I was trying to make is it's around cool stuff, so your dick gets cooler.

That's right.

If you keep your wallet in your pocket next to your cock, your cock wants to impress the cool wallet, which is made of,

Nick has a gold one for Christ's sake.

I have a fucking carbon steel fiber, whatever the fuck it's called.

These are high-quality ingredients, folks.

This isn't your fucking gay-ass daddy's wallet.

And this isn't something that's just, this is something that the great men of history have used.

Ernest Hemingway had a

rich wallet.

Ernest Hemingway had the sickest daily carry.

Oh, yeah, he definitely did.

A compass, a different, like a stopwatch, a timepiece,

a little flask with

EH

monogrammed on it.

Oh, very good.

Um an Apple Watch.

Yep.

Mustache wax.

Yeah.

Uh a jigger.

Okay.

A

wooden comb.

Uh-huh.

A multi-tool type of situation.

Magnifying glass.

A moleskin notebook that he would write all of his poems in, whatever he did.

A suspender repair kit.

Oh, yeah.

He had all that kind of shit in his wallet.

A flash drive with 30 Bitcoin on it.

Whoa.

That he kept in case of emergency.

Yeah.

He could sell that off for a bunch of whale blubber or whatever the fuck.

And then a picture of Adam.

Really?

Really?

A lot of people don't know that, but he carried a picture of

Adam Friedland, famous serial harasser of the SNL.

program.

I didn't harass.

No, you sent those tapes.

I would send him those tapes.

No, you sent the tapes and you wrote my address on it.

Live or die.

Do the sketch or die.

It's the movie Air Force One, but the president is gay and Chinese.

Even by your standards, this is pretty lazy.

Is what they wrote back that time.

They usually follow.

You didn't even let me get to.

Maybe that could have gone somewhere.

Don't underestimate me.

What about

a guy running for mayor?

What's the difference?

It's a guy.

This time Wilt Smith is gay.

He's also Chinese.

Welcome to Earth.

It ain't over until the fat lady sings.

Welcome to Earth.

So yeah, if

whatever Ridge wallet and you want to wallet, they also got other stuff.

They got bags.

Bags,

backpacks.

They got backpacks.

I can't really speak to how.

They got some good backpacks.

What do you guys want to say about the big backpacks if you use them?

Well, they got a slot for my power block.

And then I have a cord coming out of the power.

How many times have you power them?

Use it about three times a week.

Three times.

The power block?

I've got a bunch of those lying around.

I'm more of a let the phone kind of die guy.

No, I have to be at 100%.

But I have a stack of power blocks from a failed relationship with a robot?

With a robot, with a woman that constantly needed to charge her phone.

Yeah,

that's the thing with these damn broads.

These fucking whores.

They're always on one person.

Yeah.

Because

they always be texting other motherfuckers.

They're always be texting other.

That's what done it.

They always text other.

I got a a funny story about that, but I'll tell you about it afterwards.

Oh, yeah.

Me too, brother.

No, no, I got a good line I got from a guy

whose spot I'm not going to blow up.

Okay.

But

they said something very funny to me.

Well, sorry, guys.

That's an exclusive friendship tidbit.

You'll never be our friend.

But what you want to do, though, is go to ridgewallet.com and use promo code ComeTown or Cometown20.

Or maybe there is no promo code for RidgeWallet.

We're not sure.

Maybe it's RidgeWallet.com slash Cometown.

Just whatever you do, make sure you do not buy the golden wallet because I was under the impression that was an exclusive for me.

Yeah, it's Nick's thing.

So if you want to have the exact same wallet as Nick, do not golden colour.

Do not copy me.

In fact, that would make you cool.

And Nick is saying that right now, but he's holding up a sign that says whoever buys the gold one is my friend.

So

go out and buy it.

And I will hang out with them.

Not only that, that, I will riff with them and I will find what they say funny.

And I'll go to central Ohio and riff.

So go to fucking

ridgewallet.com and figure that shit out.

You fucking animals.

Fuck, I really didn't get enough sleep last night, dude.

Yeah, I never get enough sleep.

I sleep like three hours a night now.

I need that far.

And you know what's crazy?

I turn the lights off.

I get tired at 8 p.m.

I lay down, turn the lights off,

and then I just sit here and I'm like Chinese toy store

and then I do every movie, every line from every movie

to infinity and good time, happy luck show.

Yeah, that

Buzz would be saying that.

Yeah, Chinese Buzz.

Chinese Buzz.

Chinese Buzz.

Aren't they making a Lightyear movie, which is like what Buzz Lightyear, the action figure, is based off of?

Whoa.

So tricky.

Well, they already did that.

There was an animated series.

I hope he gets pussy.

There was a Buzz Lightyear animated series.

Was there?

Was Tim Allen?

Buzz Lightyear was voiced by Putty from Seinfeld.

That's awesome.

If I remember.

Not Tim Allen?

In Clinton.

No, Tim Allen voices the action figure.

Fuck what?

What idiot?

He's the voice of the action figure.

He's not the voice of the actual Buzz Lightyear.

Oh, there's a real guy.

Idiot, dude.

Is this embarrassing for you to be this wrong in front of this person?

Almost as embarrassing as the Chekhov thing from earlier.

I don't know why I keep calling back to that.

What's more embarrassing is imagining Adam before the show saying, I'm going to bring up Chekhov and then pretend to be embarrassed.

Yeah, 100%.

So, honestly, I've never practicing him

to show humility.

Practicing being like, oh, I can't believe I said that.

I was on a drive-over,

re-rending somebody, practicing his false humanity.

Oh, by the way, he's never read it either.

He's never read it.

No, I did not read it.

I was on a

Wikipedia page

that said Chekhov also wrote short stories.

I was on a three-hour short

of my girlfriend.

She said, Do you want to listen to some Chekhov short stories?

I said, All right, let's go.

And now blaming your girlfriend.

Yeah, blaming your girlfriend.

So the whole.

He should be reading stuff like that because she's seven years old.

She's not seven years old.

Also, seven-year-olds shouldn't be reading that stuff.

They should be reading nicer stuff.

Yeah, Chekhov's.

Like Clifford, the big red dog.

Clifford with the big red cock.

Yeah.

That'd be how red and how big is it?

Clifford goes to.

Because every regular dog's dick.

Every regular dog's dick is pretty red.

Clifford goes to Brooklyn.

And then there's a little Italian guy on each page that's like, look how fucking big this fucking dog is.

You ever seen a fucking...

He's just turning a child turning the page.

Look at the fucking size of this fucking dock.

And look at his fucking cock.

And the next one, yeah.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I see.

It's like a four-year-old flipping the baby.

Clifford goes to bro.

Does Clifford do stuff?

I don't remember what.

He's just.

I don't remember.

I mean, I remember being inundated by Clifford Media as a child.

Sure.

He was hot.

I think Clifford was like a good guy and like helped and saved things.

But he had to live outside the house.

Yeah, he could have too big.

He was too damn big.

Which is fucked up.

I remember being more

impressed with the color of Clifford than the size of the dog.

Right.

A red dog is cool.

Yeah, and I remember wishing so bad that I could have a red dog.

That would be awesome.

Yeah.

I never had that desire, but I respect that you did.

Yeah, just a dog that's a color like that, like blue or green.

Imagine having a neon green dog.

That would be pretty badass.

You could have a neon green dog.

Neon green dog wearing Oakley is pretty sick.

Just imagine that.

I'm doing it and my dick's getting harsh.

About Oakley Carmichael, and he's like, we need a country just for people with Down syndrome.

Why is it?

Why is Oakley Carmichael retarded?

Well, that's your words.

No, I think

cool guys were Oakley.

We wanted to create the future for mentally retarded people of all syndromes.

Oh, okay.

It's called Pan Down, Pan Down, Pen's,

whatever.

I remember on Pan's Down

on the show, Dog the Bounty Hunter, they had special Oaklands that had like

ears.

How about Downs the Candy owner?

Yeah, okay.

So what would that go like?

He's trying to arrest candy.

Yeah, he's like,

Babe, we just got a report that there's a bunch of Peanut MMs down by the

Ron John Surf Shop.

Somebody buried Peanut MMs in the sand.

Let's go.

And they rush out, and then he's just sitting on a public bus with a siren strapped to his head.

He's like up front.

How you doing, folks?

We got this under control.

No need for a long.

Please speed it up.

Mr.

Bus driver.

Please drive fast.

If I have to show you my candy hunting license, I will.

I'm a law enforcement officer.

Do you have to have a license to bounty hunt?

They have like a fake license that I don't know if it's real.

Yeah.

It's like the vaccine card.

He always showed a badge that

I don't know

where that came from or how much is a bounty worth dude?

How much is a dog get guy motherfucker?

It depends dude in the old west you can get $200

for like a multiple child rapist.

Yeah.

That used to be a lot of money back then bro.

$200.

Oof.

Oof I'm at on that.

I just watched For a Few Dollars More.

Was that triggering for you to read the title?

What?

Is that real stressful?

To have to read the title and everything.

That's what led me.

If I clicked He's like, this sounds like the scariest movie of all time.

I'm tired of this anti-Semitic media.

This is one of the most horrifying movies.

No, no, no.

I made a choice.

I saw Fist Bullet Dollars, the original.

That one you were all about.

That was another one.

I would love that.

I saw another one called For a Few Dollars More, and I was like, well, that sounds like a better deal.

No.

For a few dollars more.

Oh, I guess in your head you were selling something.

No, he gets even more money in this one.

Nice.

That's also

triggering because it reminded you of when you were

negotiating with a gay prostitute.

Okay.

All right.

They're particularly stingy.

Damn, I kind of want a Snickers bar.

Oh, I got a little Snickers bar for you, dude.

I got a little fun size.

Do you?

I got a little fun size.

Halloween.

Yeah.

It's funny that the only two sides that have names are king and small.

Or it's king king and fun.

And then everything in between.

What is that?

It should be like that with penis.

It is, basically.

Huge dick, little dick.

Big dick eyes.

As everything else.

King, dick.

I mean, yeah, dude.

Yeah, there's really no more pathetic size of dick than slightly above average.

I agree.

No.

That really is worse.

I agree.

Just barely average is a lot better.

Just barely average.

Honestly, it is.

It is.

It's slightly above that.

Why is it better?

For psychological reasons.

Yeah.

That's like a guy that wants to tell you about the Volkswagen he just bought.

Yeah, but it's not like.

Like, Consumer Reports said that it's a really good deal.

Shut up.

Right, right.

Because when your dick is barely serviceable, you have no ego around it.

None.

So you're just a ser your cock is there to serve the pussy.

My dick is a bit bigger.

Whereas if your dick is barely a little bigger, then you're like a guy who was really good at like football in high school but couldn't play in college.

Not even really, just happened to be on the football team.

Right, but still talk about it.

They needed guys, you know.

They just needed to fill out the wrong.

Whereas my dick is Rudy.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

My dick is Charles S.

Dutton in that movie.

I haven't seen it, actually.

He's the janitor

of Rudy.

The males.

Let's Rudy live in a shack or something.

I have not seen Rudy in a million years.

Yeah, I think I watched it at the doctor's office when I was was like a kid, but it doesn't count as having seen it.

The movie kind of sucks.

Yeah, I don't.

I mean, again, I don't know.

I remember it getting me real hyped.

For what?

You never played sports?

Well, just when he makes that tackle.

For sitting on the bench in Little League, you little bitch.

I wasn't sitting on the bench, bro.

I worked my way into the infielder.

He's sitting on

the rail.

No, don't erase.

Don't erase.

He's like,

this is about teamwork.

Adam,

Adam, you're off the bench.

We got a special seat for you.

I was the middle infielder, baby.

Which one?

Second.

Not as cool.

Shortstop.

Shortstop is cooler.

Yeah.

It's got the coolest name.

How many errors did you have?

Listen, dude,

I started my athletic career.

My parents put me in baseball because they thought it was the American sport.

And I was picking pansies out in the outfield, wearing the outfit.

Of course.

And then I decided I didn't want to suck anymore.

And I worked my way into the infield.

And then I had to retire

to go to Israel in the middle.

In ninth grade, no.

In ninth grade, I had to retire.

I was able to prefer the IDF doing

social media campaigns.

You ran the IDF.

That's not what has.

No.

And that's not.

That isn't what.

That's awesome.

What song did you say?

You're learning to code.

All right.

I'm not going to finish.

Yeah.

You.

You put an ACDC song.

You said the IDF Adam was in the guide the L.

Yeah.

He was.

No, it's not true.

That's what I heard.

He's saying a lot of false things about me on this show.

No, no, no.

No, I don't know about any of the other episodes, but this one has a lot of false stuff.

No, dude.

How about the IDF?

But instead of

Israel's a bunch of gay Chinese guys,

they were die.

Who's playing the tapes?

Is that a new tape?

I went to go see, we went to go see the new Chris Rock saw movie.

Oh, how was it?

That was a fun night with the whole crew.

It was a bad.

I love that Steven left after 10 minutes to go drink by himself at a bar.

He went to go drink by himself.

Respect that move.

Yeah, it was quite bad.

It was pretty bad.

It was terrible.

It was one of the worst.

But one of the worst.

Chris Rock is like so bad at acting, and now he's like old and I guess maybe going crazy.

He's not cool.

He used to be cool.

Yeah, but

outside of not being cool, he's like,

he's just sort of like incapable of acting.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's, I mean, I loved, as a kid, I would watch all his movies.

I would go to the theaters and watch them.

I loved Down to Earth.

Down to Earth was my favorite one, but it was so bad.

Tiger Tiger Woods, y'all.

What's the one?

What's the one where it's in DC and he's president?

Head of state.

Head of state.

Bernie Mac is his vice president.

Yeah, Bernie Mac's great in that movie.

He's great in everything.

In that movie, I saw a guy getting a blowjob.

Chris Rock just, like, he just seems to be.

And then you look him in the eyes and you're like, am I doing a good job?

Maybe it's also because

he has so much presence in Bring the Pain, and he seems

so powerful in his performance.

And bigger and blacker.

That when he does...

When he acts,

he just seems incredibly uncomfortable.

Yeah, he's just not.

It's tough because you'd think he would at least be passable.

But he's just not a good child.

It's funny because everything he does in acting, it feels like he's delivering a bit.

You know what I mean?

That's true.

He reads lines with like bit delivery kind of cadence.

Yeah.

Where there's already some idea that he knows he's going to get to, and he's using like written language to get to the idea.

Right.

Rather than it seeming like a performance

moment.

Yeah, exactly.

And guys, if you want to see real acting, go to the Come Town web series.

I guess

the point I was going to make was

he's now kind of entering Nicolas Cage territory.

And it's just barely there, yeah, where he's sort of detached.

There's a couple of scenes in that Saw movie where he just seems psychotic.

And it makes it kind of good.

But he's nothing on Full Cage.

Yeah, well, Nicholas Cage has been perfecting Neo-shamanism for...

Yeah.

Dude, Vampire's Kiss is incredible.

The color from Outer Space,

the Richard Stanley movie that he did.

Oh, recently.

Yeah.

Richard Stanley from Kiss?

Yeah.

That's Paul Stanley.

Yeah.

That's the star.

Axel Foley directed that.

But what also could happen is you could get a Kratom or something.

Yeah, you could get that.

All right, that's exciting.

In fact, there's a specific way he could get it

that I think Stav

might naturally want to.

I would love to naturally talk about some of the benefits of Kratom

from our friends

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Are you kidding me?

Kratom helps people feel better.

I'm not kidding you, pal.

Don't fuck.

If you're kidding me, I'm going to be pissed off.

I'm not kidding you.

Kratom is also used to relieve stress and take the fucking edge off.

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here's a couple things I was thinking about.

You know, Kratom gives your whole body energy, but for some people...

But for some people, it's like coffee for your cock.

Yeah.

Or your pussy.

If you're tired from all the sex you've been having

or your vagina.

Yeah.

Taking Super Speciosa could could energize you to fuck like a god.

Kratom is, in fact, a cousin of the coffee plant.

I don't know if you know that.

So it's like a little latte for your balls.

Are you an aging millennial?

New aches and pains?

Kratom is great for pain relief.

If you hurt your back, pull a muscle from all that fucking unwind with a glass of kratom tea.

I can't tell you how many times.

Nice big fat glass of mud.

I can't tell you how many times I have been balls deep in some gash and

I've thrown my back out

because, like I said, I have an average penis, and I have to get wild with the positions to make it really do some work.

I've figured them out.

Make it do any work at all.

No, no, no.

It does work.

Even barely feel it.

No, they feel it, okay?

But I'm talking.

The weight of his body.

The weight of my body.

Sometimes the weight of my body as well.

You know what?

Some women are into that.

I'm sure they are.

Women's dream sex is being crushed by that boulder from Raiders of the Lost.

Honestly, for some of them, it is.

That's what they want.

They want to be chased down an alley by a giant boulder.

And then have a boulder, have a five and three-quarters go right into their

easily.

Just with no stress, no mess.

A woman's dream.

A woman's dream relationship

is the first level of Super Mario 64, where they climb a mountain and then there's a bomb with a mustache that keeps crushing them, just lying on them, eventually

throwing them off of the mountain.

and that's the the mythology of the feminine

ethos

if you're only into so hold on okay

so um

um yeah after i like that

that's what i like to do i get a glass of kratom tea go ahead adam if you're only into jerking it and which is probably a wrist injury and you need a little extra push to get to comb town super speciosis kratom will get you there.

That's right.

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That's right.

So

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help you finish to jack off.

Kratom is the secret supplement that influencers don't want you to know about.

Why are these fucking influencers?

Why are these damn?

Keep in mind, we're not influencers.

We're not influencers.

Jake Paul.

We encourage you to think for yourself.

Exactly.

So do the research.

Do the research.

Go to superspeciosa.com and decide whether you want an experimental MNRA vaccine or if you want kratom

to drink for

to make you feel better about the plant the scam demic yep

that's kratom kratom also helps you write jokes i imagine this is why you're so damn funny

and that's true for for us yep yeah we all fucking snorted a bunch of kratom before today's episode that's for sure.

So, look, I mean, there's a lot of other stuff here to talk about.

You know, Kratom comes in a tea, powder, and capsules that you can put anywhere.

Anywhere, folks.

Your pocket, your backpack, suitcase, they're great for on the go.

You can put them in your asshole.

Yeah.

Everyone, listen, and we have all got that residual COVID blues.

Super speciosa can pull you out of your rut.

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You could use it for, so you can keep jacking off.

Southeast Asians have been using kratom to reduce pain and raise energy levels for centuries.

They're also in great shape.

Southeast Mouthfeast Asia.

Mouthfeast Asia.

Yeah,

they got a Bob Evans down there.

They're trying to put it in their mouths.

They're doing a big breakfast for everybody who's trying to stop Asian hate.

That's right.

Stop Asian Hate at eight.

Nick at Knight's Stop Asian Hate series.

We have every episode of the Charlie Chan

those movies.

Yeah.

Charlie Chan?

Charlie Chan.

Who's that?

It was a white guy that

I can't remember the name.

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Damn, Stingray's got to be the laziest fucking animal that God ever made.

And they took our guy from us.

Yeah, it's just like a big-ass frog with flaps and a horseshoe crab tail.

I don't trust them, personally.

They seem chill, though.

They have a spike, though, and their tail is like a spike, no?

Yeah.

Stingray, bro.

That's what sting came from.

Oh, I also want to say, I said on last week's episode I would be doing Stopby Solves Your Problems again this Wednesday today.

However, I got tickets to see the Knicks instead.

I'm going to go to game two of the NBA playoffs.

So Stopby Solves Your Problems will be coming back monthly next week.

Damn, I should get tickets to do something.

Nah.

Nah.

I changed my mind to meet you.

Nah, fuck that.

Yeah.

In fact, what I will do is go to patreon.com slash come town and sign up

for the premium episodes of the show.

The entire archive of premium episodes.

Is it starting to become clear to you that we check out about halfway through

regular episodes?

Well, you might want to get your hands on on the ones we do in the morning, right after I've had all my cigarettes.

Right.

And let's just say we record that one first, and it was better.

Every episode, I get the second dose of the Pfizer, or as I call it, the Liser.

Oh, the Liser.

The Liser or

Homoderna.

Homoderna.

What would they be calling it?

They always have funny.

They always have funny names for things.

I haven't even looked at the what they're calling what they're calling it?

Yeah, I don't know.

That does seem to be your wheelhouse.

Liser, Liser's good, they probably say that Liser Manelli.

Yeah,

you know what I'm saying?

It makes you sing.

Yeah, Moderna know what's in it.

That's right.

You got to do a Down syndrome kind of a the Moderna.

Wait,

everybody taking the Moderna vaccine.

But Moderna, Mo.

My name's Mo.

Mo don't know what's in there.

Mo don't know what's in there.

Mo don't know what's in there.

You can take that to the bank.

What about the Madonna vaccine?

The Madonna, yeah.

She's like, copyright this, and she's just pulling her pussy wide open.

That's infringe on this copyright,

and her pussy's farting a nice long queef.

Hell yeah, love the pop at the end.

Yeah.

Just fifteen minutes of her

Madonna's pussy pussy farting.

Yes.

Yes.

A lot of people like how we knock celebrities down a peg on this show.

It was only a matter of time before we found her in our crosshairs.

Yeah, sorry, Madonna.

Sorry, Madonna.

I do like some of your songs, but your pussy's farts.

I heard a song the other day that I really liked.

What was it?

It's like her Asian-sounding song.

Oh, I Want to Be Ninja?

No.

I didn't think that was Madonna.

Yeah, it is.

I want to be ninja.

I don't believe that was.

That's Madonna.

I think it's called Time to Say Goodbye.

You know, it would be great to do an Asian version of Madonna,

but he's also gay.

Yeah, that'd be great.

That'd be a fun sketch.

That would be awesome.

I found a.

I've heard choice is yours.

I found a

Ying Wei Malmstein song with a little Asian flare.

In front of you is a pitch for a sketch.

It's a new Disney movie, but the princess is gay and Chinese.

They're like, why is this saw-themed?

You've never killed any of us.

You've never even threatened us.

We're pretty sure we know who you are.

We're not the cops.

We're not the cops.

Please stop saying that.

We're not going to to arrest you.

Dude, how about those flutes?

Huh?

Oh, this is doing it.

Dude, I've just been just smashing.

Sounds like Metallica.

No, it doesn't.

Yeah.

Shut up.

I'm Chinese.

Every day

doing mouth.

Karate

eating couch.

I'm Chinese.

I'm China.

I'm being Chinese.

Damn, dude.

This is a fucking banger, dude.

Let's get to the fucking guitar parts.

What is this?

It's Yangvi Vei Malmstein from the album Eclipse.

It's more of a romantic.

This is the kind of shit they'd sell at like the Discovery Channel store.

Yeah, okay.

It's less Asian now.

It's less Asian, yeah.

It was just the pipes, but it's a power ballad now.

I'm still Chinese.

I'm Chinese.

I'm still Chinese.

My biggest small

and so

on my bowels.

Yeah, dude.

Check out Yingwei Malmstein's album Eclipse.

It's pretty romantic compared to a lot of his other stuff that's more about

fantasy battles between

different realms.

He also released recently a single, Wolves at the Gate, which is very good.

Do they let them in?

They don't.

You know what?

Who are we kidding here?

Why don't we have a little bit of...

Why don't we play Wolves at the Gate?

Or watch our Wolves at the Door.

Oh, they're at the Door.

Yeah, Madonna's like, why don't the wolves try to enter this door?

They're blown back.

Dude, this looks cool.

Oh, shit.

Now, this is music.

This is just like the Power Rangers team.

This is 2021 Yankee Bay Mouse team, dude.

Yeah, dude.

Wow.

Yeah, I've just been listening to that getting jacked, dude.

That's pretty sick.

Getting fucking energized.

Doing fucking curls.

Doing very light curls and hurting my forearm.

I wonder if I haven't checked in on the adjustable dumbbells since the pandemic started, but I feel like they haven't been restocked yet.

They're probably restocked.

There was a real run on those and pull-ups.

I got to start exercising or something again.

I took a long break and just switched to doing drugs.

That's the yin and the yang of life though, my brother.

Honestly, though,

I feel like I haven't been depressed in like

six months.

I don't know about that.

No, I really feel like fine.

It's hard to describe what's feeling fine because it feels like nothing.

What do you think is better?

Feeling depressed or feeling fine?

Obviously feeling fine is better.

All right.

I was just checking.

But it's confusing.

It is confusing.

Because it's like, you know, I'm not happy.

Right, right, right.

I just don't want to kill myself.

Yeah, it's just, you know, it's a nice day out.

Probably want to get stuff done, but I won't.

But that's because I'm a lazy piece of shit.

Right, which is separate from.

Damn, look at the fucking.

Yeah.

Look at the.

What is that?

The Santa Monica Pier?

I don't know, but it looks cool.

That's where I'm from, dude.

No, you're not.

That's the pier I grew up on.

No.

I was born in St.

John's Hospital, Santa Monica.

Yeah, they told you that, but what you actually grew up on was a pier, which is a penis.

It was a long penis that extended into.

Why don't you take a long walk

off a short

penis?

Penis, yeah.

Why don't you take a long suck off my short?

Why don't you take a long

suck on my short dick?

Hey, pal.

Hey, pal.

I like that.

Yeah, that's my new motto, dude.

Don't put that on business cards.

Why don't you take a long suck on my short dick?

Why don't you take a long suck off my short cop.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

It's got a nice sound to it.

Nice flavor.

Brand new flavor in your ear.

Well, folks, this episode is brought to you by Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

It's the cheesy episode.

You don't know what to feed your family tonight?

Neither do we, but this is something.

Yep.

Something you could feed them.

You could put tuna in it and make it Nick style.

How did you know about that?

That's Nick's favorite style.

Yeah, tuna hot sauce, a little bit of craft macaroni and cheese.

Now you're cooking with pussy.

That's right.

Now you're sucking with Dick.

Oh, yeah.

Now you're sucking with Pricado.

Now you're fucking with

whatever.

Are Chinese people still playing ping pong?

Absolutely.

Oh, yeah.

They've been playing throughout the pandemic.

Actually, that's why they let it escape from the lab.

To give them extra time to practice.

To give them practice time.

So they'd be ready for the 2021 olympics oh they are going to dominate yeah

yeah they found out japan's trying to stop it from how they're saying the olympics

it would be very cool for this the pandemic to end and then china to announce to international media that they're having the that they're they've been able to reschedule you know they're opening back up and the first big thing they're doing is the 827th annual bat even festival

yeah that would make a lot of people nervous.

The pangolin soup festival.

The pangolin souffle.

Who's trying to get some?

Yeah.

Is that penguin?

No,

it's a disgusting-looking animal that they

got COVID from.

It's not a penguin?

No, it's a pangolin.

It's not like that.

Which sounds like an annoying girl name.

The Batman villain pangolin.

Pangolin.

It's a Chinese.

It's a gay Chinese version of penguin.

Yeah, that's right.

What do you think?

I'm going to eat you, Batman.

Yeah, who do you think should do a sketch about that?

You've got one minute to come up with the answer.

Yeah, a pangolin looks like a fucking artichoke fucking anteater.

Yeah.

I cannot believe they eat these motherfuckers, dude.

How about the show?

The magic school boss.

But Miss Frizzall is gay and Chinese.

What if they actually make one of those sketches?

They probably will.

What if I just, what if I pitched everything,

but you do a gay Chinese swap?

So no matter what.

Yeah.

They have no.

We're calling dibs on it as hard.

We call dibs on all of them.

Oh, fuck, dude.

God damn, I got a fucking piss.

This sucks, dude.

I got a good night's rest the other night, and then I'm at home.

I'm watching basketball.

I can't fall asleep yesterday.

Dude, I'm not going to.

Do I got to start doing drugs to sleep?

Yes.

Yes.

I think it's time for waiting for me.

I got a good night's rest last night.

Does anybody have a fucking

go ahead?

No, it's boring.

Does anybody have a Kolanopin hookup?

Because I always sleep like a baby on either Kolanopin hook.

Yeah, but I don't think muscle relaxer.

I don't think it's proper sleep.

Yeah, I think when you take a benzo, I don't think it's prop.

Like, I don't think it's.

Who says that?

I don't think it's the restful sleep.

It always feels like it is.

It always feels great.

But some, yeah, it always feels like that.

It's incredible.

What about muscle relaxers?

That's not benzos.

Xanax before bed.

Muscle relaxers and benzos.

If you have muscle relaxers or benzos, hit me up.

The best one is just drinking a bottle of NyQuil before bed.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you just sleep for two days.

You feel terrible when you wake up after that.

You just do like...

A vampire when you get up from that one.

It's like 7 p.m.

the next day.

When I take a Xanax before bed, I wake up sweaty.

You felt come to my ass.

Welcome to my ass.

Welcome to my penis and ass.

How about Dracula?

And he's like,

guess what kind of Dracula I am?

That's a great question, man.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck my ass.

Instead of Bramstroker's Dracula, it's Bat Eater's Dracula.

I was going to say Cockstrokers.

How about Dracula gets eaten by a Chinese guy when he's in bat mode?

Do you become a vampire then?

Instead of, what's his name, Van Helsing,

it's Chan

Chan Helsing?

Chan

Don't Chan.

Don't do it.

No.

Just leave it at Chan.

No, I think so.

Hold on.

I'm afraid I think I can see Mark.

You're going to land.

Come on.

No.

I know you're worried about the singing part.

I know that.

It's a fucking, what'd you call it?

The Tony Hinchcliffe thing just happened.

We got to have another week or two of being good boys

and only targeting one guy that was a writer and now performer for SNL.

You're listening to the whistling podcast.

New whistles.

New types of whistles every every week.

What's that song called, Soph?

Well,

yes.

Wow, I like you put a little bit of English on that.

Next week

we'll be broadcasting live

from

the Newcastle, Delaware Whistling Festival.

Socially distanced, vaccinated, masked down so the whistles work.

Oh, that's true.

It's been...

Masks have devastated the professional whistling industry.

I've been triple masked all year and unable to whistle, and it's been hell for me.

What's the song called?

Oh, I know that song.

Adam's got a little penis.

No, whistles only, sorry.

Nope.

No, you can't sing at a whistle.

Thank you for tuning into the whistling podcast, guys.

We'll be back next week.

And as always, for the good version of the show, patreon.com/slash come town.

And go to stopvi.biz.

I got some shows coming up.

Me and Adam will be doing a show at the

slipper room

on a Tuesday of some kind.

And I'll be at Union Hall with Ian

Fighten 622.

Tomorrow, a show is already sold out, but me and Nick will be at the stand of Fat Tuesdays.

But, you know, whatever, man.

Just keep a fucking eye out.

You know,

keep checking for those funny bombs tickets.

More will be going on sale soon.

We're excited.

I know this already happened.

We're excited to see everyone.

We're not excited.

I'm only at an audience.

I'm excited to see everyone.

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