Ep. 260 – gaza explainer

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Breaking news.

Breaking news.

It's now okay to get pussy from a man.

It's okay to get pussy from a man.

It's not okay anymore.

The date is April 1st, 1930.

April Fools.

That's our April Fools joke this year, folks, saying that it's okay to get pussy from a man.

Of course, it's still illegal.

Big news from Germany, this Hitler fella, everybody's favorite.

A young ingenue on the scene, Adolf Hitler.

Breaking hearts.

We're joined by a comedian Howard G.

to explain

this.

This is the new WKNY, New York's only radio station.

Howard G.

What do people like about this Hitler guy?

Well, you know,

he's

what do I sound like?

That's not really it.

What do I sound like again?

I can't remember.

What do I sound like?

I mostly know Howard from the Kiss My Bumpers.

Kiss My Penis.

Kiss My Penis.

Kiss My Penis.

Just kiss it.

Just kiss it.

I opened for him at Magoobi's joke house one time.

You opened your asshole.

No.

I did seven minutes.

I was closed for you.

No.

I did seven minutes about even worse constructed jokes about being fat and having a little penis.

This was 10, 11 years ago.

Genesis.

Dude, it's always been the same stuff.

It's always been the same genre, just much shittier every

23-year-old with a comb over.

Dude, no, I was

no, I had spikes.

I tried to hide being bald with spikes.

Yeah, I'm basically Mark McGrath.

I don't know if you guys noticed, but dude, I love this.

I like the little flat and then up.

Yeah, the Ricky Martin.

The Ricky Martin, bro.

That was my move for years.

Does that cover the balding?

I thought it was a good idea.

I brush it forward a little bit.

Yeah, I had no idea that I had a bald spot

for way too long.

You had no idea?

I had no idea.

That's funny.

I thought I had a full head of hair.

And I do, by the way.

Now I do.

Now you do.

You're back to the bottom.

Now I do.

But yeah, I remember being 21 and then somebody being like, yeah, somebody being like, yeah, I'm losing my hair.

He was like,

not like you, Stavi.

I mean, you know, you got the bald spot.

I'm just, I got the receding hair.

Because I didn't have a receding hairline.

I just had thin-ass hair.

And my line was always, well, I just have thin hair.

Yeah.

I don't have, I'm not balding.

I'm a fat man with thin hair.

I'm just, I have angel hair.

I'm like a fucking little baby.

Yeah.

And it is soft, by the way.

You can't run your fingers through my hair and say it's not soft.

It's gorgeous.

Thank you.

Yeah, when we met,

you were just about getting ready to lose the buzz, baby.

The buzz was coming right then and there.

Yeah, you're telling me your girlfriend was just giving you information on Rogan.

Yeah, my girlfriend and my mom were both trying to get me to use Rogan.

You were giving me those hamphas when I was 22 or I guess, however old I was.

Yeah.

So fine.

Fucking bitches.

Didn't be.

You were filling out like the postcard to get more information.

Yeah.

I called the 1-800 number.

Everybody takes that propecia shit.

Yeah, you can't get hard.

And you know what, man?

I say they're cowards.

You let time ravage your body and you do nothing about it.

Yeah.

You know, except I'm about to go buy jewelry, I think, soon.

That's what you do.

You get jewelry, you get Hawaiian shirts.

And that's how you fight aging.

This only works if you're fat.

Well.

Imagine Adam was balding.

Yeah, he would look so horrible.

It would be so funny.

If Adam went rapidly bald in the next year.

you would have a crisis.

You're not.

You're not even close to strong enough.

Maybe I'd become like one of those southwestern gay guys that gets really into turquoise and silver.

You would 100% go buzz cut, and you would have like a little mustache.

Oh, God, that would be bad.

It would be a bad look.

That would be rough.

You know, God, please don't do it.

My friend's not strong enough.

Even I wouldn't wish that on you.

Thank you, God.

As someone who regularly imagines you being hauled onto a train and taken to a camp.

complaint.

I hope it's an activities cover.

Oh, there's activities there, for sure.

Special activities.

Some would say the kind of activities only the company knows about.

Oh, interesting.

The company from Rollerball.

CIA.

Oh, CIA.

Langley.

I'm going to teach you something I learned at the CIA.

And then George Bush sucks your penis.

This is something I learned at the CIA.

This is called the Dullest Dick Twister.

It's called...

Alan Dulles taught me how to do this to a foreskin.

The Cock Eating Association.

Yeah.

Eating spelled with an I.

We changed it to the E to gaslight the American public.

What do you think?

Used to be spelled with an I.

What do you think Poppy Bush was up to in the CIA?

What kind of shit?

Where did they send it to?

Poppy Bush, let me lick your ass.

Poppy Bush gotta lick your ass.

Yeah, read my lips.

Lick my ass, bitch.

He was swinging with Barbara.

Oh, yeah.

They were using Barbara's pussy as a honeypot.

Yeah.

She was fucking.

She was fucking.

She fucked Pinochet.

Yeah, she was fucking...

She was fucking communist.

Barbara was giving the fucking box up.

Pinochet.

It makes me think of a yellow rose of Texas.

Like a cock made out of Italian ice.

Yeah, so Pinochet.

Like going up to an ice cream truck and being like,

do you have a pinochet?

You could have a pinochet.

It's two-thirds Italian ice and the tip is sorbet.

It's a piña colada flavored dick.

But the top is soft serve.

Yeah.

Dude, Rita's when they have that half soft serve, half Italian ice.

The Prince from Candyland.

The Prince from Candyland sitting there with just that

dick hard.

Pretty cool.

No joke, I would 100% suck a candy man's cock if that's what it tasted like.

If the tip was soft serve and the base was Italian ice, I am throating a cock, no problem.

Yeah, no problem.

It doesn't even feel gay to me.

It feels like having dessert.

If the penis was food.

Well, the Prince from Candyland is made out of candy, too, right?

No, he's just a licorice dandy.

Oh, he's licorice.

He's just got

like a licorice.

Let's look it up.

There's no reason to be good.

There's no reason.

That would be a good show.

Candyland.

I used to fucking hate Candyland, I'll be honest.

The best part about this.

I feel like we've actually done this for you too.

I think so, too.

We had something about the fucking muck.

I think you called me the muck guy or whatever.

Oh, right.

The mud monster.

Oh, I remember.

Candyland.

But it's okay, man.

Yeah, here's the prince.

Lord Licorice.

Lord Licorice.

Lord Licht this fad.

Oh, damn.

Oh, wait.

I thought I could zoom in.

No.

No, it's Google images.

You got him.

Damn, I'm sweating.

Oh, damn.

Why are you sweating?

No, I wouldn't want to suck Lord Licorice off.

I'm having a heart attack.

I would suck King Candy's cock.

That would be nice to die.

He looks like he's more made out of candy.

It would be nice to die.

But if Nick died, we don't know how to upload it.

No, we don't know the password.

We don't know the password to the Patreon.

I thought you were the mode monster, but you're more plumpy.

I am plumpy.

I'm 100% plump.

That's who my dick is also.

My dick is very plumpy.

You're also this guy.

What's his name?

Gumdrop.

What's his name?

Who's this gumdrop?

God, you're a lot of the kingdom.

You're Lord Licorice.

Without question.

Gookie Gumdrop.

That's not his name.

There's no chance.

It's fucking Gookie Gumdrop.

No.

Gooey.

No.

G-O-G-E-K-Y.

No, that's not.

I know how to fucking read, especially a baby game.

Let me see.

It's a gooey.

I didn't know.

That's not a name.

Okay, man.

I know the letters.

I want it to be that so that you

are making it.

Quickly, we'll go through all the ones that are Adam.

Princess Lollipop, Queen Frostine,

and what's this?

The other bitch.

There's another bitch.

Yeah, the one that lives in Lollipop Woods.

And I, of course, am King Candy.

No, you're Lord Licorice.

You're Lord Licorice.

He's the evil little gay one.

And that's what you are, without question.

M.

King Candy.

I'm the fun fact, guys.

And we're the girls.

Just a reminder for the listeners at home.

Nick is Lord Licorice.

I'm King Candy.

Nick is Lord Licorice.

And the King Candy.

And he's Lord Licodic.

And the King Candy character, also known as me.

That's not who you are.

And it's settled.

King Candy's my boyfriend, and that's not you.

I'm King Candy.

I suck King Candy's soft serve cock because you're not King Candy.

No, it's not.

I would never suck King Dick.

And we're moving on.

You're Lord Licorice, and you're jealous of what being King Candy has.

I'm King Candy.

And you're jacking off to it.

I'm King Candy.

Nice.

That is good.

Adam handed me a tweet that has the N-word in it.

Read it out loud.

I'm not going to read it.

Read it out loud.

It's some guys responding to TMZ saying Bill Gates pursued women at work, hooked up with at least one.

And he said, rich.

And then that terrible word, fucking hose, ain't news.

That's true.

That's true.

That's true.

Bill Gates was a pussy getter.

That's like half the stories on TMZ.

Why is that guy following TMZ?

Maybe he's on the DL.

He's a guy

type of guy.

So you on the DL?

Yeah.

Adam, do you think you could survive on the DL?

No, I'd get found out.

Because you're careless?

Yeah, you know these loudmouthed queers on the DL.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Back in my day, you know,

there was honor in it.

There was honor in it.

There was honor in sucking a straight man's cup.

Men used to take it like a man.

You could used to be able to be a celebrity that men and no one was the wiser but not anymore he look a like a man

that's true yeah uh my my friend uh

my friend phil but friend of the show he wrote a letter to Mad TV and said that he really liked the Miss Swan sketch and Alex Pornstein sent him back a signed headshot.

That's awesome.

And it said, Phil, you look like a man.

It's pretty nice.

He has it in his bedroom.

God damn, man.

His childhood bedroom.

Phil, you look like a man.

I would like to fucking have a bad boy.

I would have gotten so stoked off of that.

Well, hold on here, boys.

Lord Licorice is the main antagonist in the board game Candyland.

So that's me.

And the main antagonist of the animated film Candyland: The Great Lollipop Adventure.

Sounds like we got some home.

Sounds like we got.

Why don't we start watching it now in the middle of the episode?

Our brands are just deliberate.

You are Lord Licorice, bro.

Me?

Yes.

No.

You have.

I'm sorry.

There's something about you that's

evil and gay.

Yeah, I'm King Candy.

You're not King Candy.

I have a sexual relationship with King Candy, and I wouldn't.

No, you're King Candy.

Don't you dare!

Turn, thank you.

I just turned your headphones off so I can tell Adam a secret.

He didn't say anything.

He's not.

He's not King Candy.

He didn't say anything.

Whatever stops.

Dude,

I'm not.

I am.

Wait.

Nick's knocking candy.

Yes.

Fuck.

I got him.

Holocaust achieved.

Holocaust achieved.

And that's a callback.

That's a Sundays episode.

I love how we record them now because we constantly call back to the episode of

four days.

Yeah, that's the thing is.

Four days, you're going to have to

have noticed the show is bad now.

And the reason for that is

we get all the juices going for the early episode.

Patreon.com slash come to the bottom.

And that's what you want to go to.

And then I eat a bag of sour cream and onion chips.

Yep.

And then order

board games on Amazon.

And then we watch the movies based on the board games.

I'm truly trying to watch.

I'm truly trying to watch that.

Well, this is okay.

People are...

We're doing a true crime podcast.

Okay.

And the crime is

explaining what the board game is.

You know what?

This is a fucking, this is a board game podcast.

Yes.

Okay, you guys want to talk board games?

Today's episode is Candyland, The Great Lollipop Adventure,

which is an animated special.

Yeah.

And my dick is actually the lollipop.

Based off the 2002 version of the game,

Lord Licorice has his minions, the Bites,

which steal Princess Lolly's scepter and plans on using a concoction he made to make licorice grow everywhere.

You know what?

That's fucked up.

I'm listening.

Take over Princess Lolly.

Take over Candyland, turning it into licorice land, as described in his musical number.

Licorice is candy.

That's the thing.

That's what I don't like about this.

They're propagating the ugly stereotype that licorice is bad.

Licorice is good.

I don't like black licorice.

Yeah, it's like one of those 1800s candies.

I don't care.

It's fine.

And you know what?

Isn't fucking Twizzlers licorice?

No.

Yeah?

No.

The black red vines is licorice.

Twizzlers makes black licorice.

It's a type of licorice.

It's red and black licorice.

There's two licorice.

And you know what?

Black licorice is not as bad as people say it is.

They all attempt to catch the protagonist.

I don't care.

But they're all foiled.

After reaching

to the candy castle, Lord Licorice tries to bring licorice to be ruler jib stopped him by putting green icing when trying to put the scepter

this is not

i don't who wrote this i don't know this is for baby yeah well baby wrote baby wrote it yeah baby got on wikipedia

cloppy the swab monster grabs him after that

grabbing the monarch

everyone puts their gifts on the slot except jib who wasted his last icing container

this is a smartass movie.

Lord Licorice thought he failed, but he put his backpack on the slot.

Princess Lolly puts her scepter on the center slot, causing all of the licorice to go away and restoring peace in Candyland.

Thank God.

He complained that everything is lollipops and despaired he will not make everything licorice anymore.

And then in parentheses, debatable.

Debatable.

We don't know if we can trust this guy.

That movie sounds.

We should do a gritty reboot where Lord Licorice rapes

up the princess.

Yeah.

And he has got the king tied up.

Yeah.

In spin-off books.

In many spin-off children's books, he does mean things, such as trying to eat everyone's houses.

Ooh, guess who's leaning a little bit more in the Lord Licorice category?

It's not me.

You're Lord Licorice.

You're always eating people's houses.

You're always trying to eat people's full houses.

Sometimes if they have the exposed insulation that looks like cotton candy, yes.

Stop it.

Other than that, I must have really thrown you for a loop.

Don't forget to do that.

As a kid, when I went to Home Depot with my dad, it took a lot of willpower not to chew that stuff.

Fiberglasses.

Look at that pink shit with a pink panther.

A needle, a framed needle point in the foyer of his apartment that says, I'm here to eat people out of ass in home.

I would eat ass.

All right, what do we got here in the game?

I've eaten the asses of plenty of.

Here's an image called Lord Licorice's Defeat.

And look how funny that looks.

What is that?

What is it?

It looks like he's getting his ass fucked by a giant.

Oh, no.

That's horrific.

This movie looks good, dude.

I can't wait to watch this after the show.

Yeah, just.

All right, we got some trivia for you guys.

Okay.

Just call in, and you can win two tickets to see Lord Licorice at Ramsehead Lodge.

Although his real name is unknown, it seems to be either Richard, Robert, Ralph, Rick, Roger, Ronald, Russell, Raymond, Reginald, Randy, Roy, or whatever.

Too many, what it might be.

Similar to Boris Badnov, Natasha Fitali, Snidely, Whiplash, Dick, Dastardly, Dishonest John, Lifty and Shifty, and Rocky and Muggsy, Lord Licorice has a stereotypical mobster look from the 1920s and 1920s.

Oh, it's a trope.

Lord Licorice has three pets: those being a green crocodile named Crockett, the brown vulture named Buzzy,

Buzzy, and a red spider named Spidora.

Spidora.

And the last one, he is a homosexual.

No.

That's literally written on there.

On Wikipedia?

Yeah, it says right here.

The last bullet point, he is a homosexual under the trivia section.

On the villain's wiki

for Lord Licorice.

Yeah, okay, and now we've...

The pendulum is fully swung back to you being Lord Licorice.

No, this is more of an Adam camp.

Sexy, both of you.

I thought I was the princess.

You are the princess, Adam.

As long as you see me as a royal.

I do.

I do.

And if you're listening at home and you don't get why we're reading this, I'd say burn one down, maybe.

And then you're going to roast a fucking bone.

Yeah.

Yeah, smoke one down to Cometown this week.

Or maybe you should smoke, I don't know, something else, maybe.

What time is it?

Whatever the ads today.

Yeah, blue shoe dog.

We'll get into into that in due time.

Is this what do we got?

We got the Lord Licorice song.

Oh, let's fucking bump that, dude.

Yes.

Coming along nicely.

Oh, this is so you.

This is 100% you.

This is Nick.

What did you do?

Without question.

It's not me.

That's you, bro.

That's me.

That's me, you, pussy.

So, Princess Lolly's scepter is the key to today's celebration.

Dude,

that's the snake I've ever heard of in my life.

It's not me.

What do you mean, no?

Look, here's how it works.

I, Lord Licorice, am the boss.

And I want that scepter.

That's right.

I want that, so boy, give me that scepter.

Give me get that scepter.

Give me get that scepter, boy.

Yeah, I guess he is a homosexual.

I want to hear his song.

Yeah, fast forward forward to the song.

Kids are losers for liking this.

Fucking game.

I would watch this.

I would watch this, dude.

I was kind of enthralled.

TurboTax offers three ways to get yourself not be advertising this show.

Don't use TurboTax.

Fuck Turbo Bach.

Fuck Intuit.

Fuck QuickBooks.

Use zero accounting software.

Delete your QuickBooks account.

That's right.

And here we go.

Now we're going to be listening to the Licorice Land song

from the Great Lollipop Edition.

For Licorice is all but that, but right to what it should be.

Of course, Lord Licorice will be at Ramshead Live next week.

Call in, answer.

What is his sexual orientation?

The lines are hot, folks.

Win two tickets for you.

Here's a hint.

And your boyfriend by calling in and answering correctly.

Is this guy a fag or not?

I place it in the circle suite and watch it quickly rise.

And soon, my two-sticky goo will reach into the skies.

He's talking about his calms.

Yeah, that's Nick.

It is.

That's Adam.

No, it's Nick.

That's Adam, and you can read more about Adam at bluechew.com.

Oh, wow.

Bluechew.com,

the most delicious candy in Candyland.

That's the candy you get at the end of the game.

Yeah,

you can fuck Princess.

What's her name?

Princess Lollipop.

You get to suck her little lollipop.

She's got a cock, by the way.

She's trans.

Yeah, but that's the best you can ask for in Candyland.

You know what I'm talking about?

Just somebody that got the pills early, got their shit cut off.

Yep.

Back when the skin was still tall.

Nah, listen, if she's hot and she's got a piece, I'll suck it.

In Candyland, you take a bitch to the candy shop.

Yeah.

You let her lick it.

Take it to the candy shop.

Yep.

Anyway, you suck Princess Lollipop's lollipop,

and you're thinking to yourself, am I into this?

Am I pushing too hard on a sexual boundary?

And you're getting nervous.

Typically, your dick might get soft, not because you're not into the sexual situation, but from the nerves.

And that's where our friends over at Blue Chew.com come in.

Because maybe if you're trying to fuck a princess who's trans and it's your first time with someone of that orientation, of that gender, whatever you want to call it,

you might get the ner the first time fucking nerves.

And with Blue Chew, you can choose between s uh the generic version of sedenophil or tadatilophil,

which is this generic version of Viagra and sialis.

It won't keep you from crying, but

it will get you very crying.

You will be so hard

if you need to cry, which is a valid.

Yeah.

So.

Because you're nervous.

If you're licoric.

Yeah, you got to check this shit out, dude.

It's bluechew.com/slash Lord Licorice.

This is all the ingredients.

Licorice birthday cake.

Oh, he's bald, too.

Look, stop.

Uh-oh, bad news.

That's why he watches that big-ass cat.

It's not me.

It is.

I don't hide it.

It's clearly you.

You're always wearing big-ass hats.

I've never worn a big hat.

Although we're debating, I would fuck that gingerbread tree.

I'll tell you.

I missed it.

But I fucked it before you.

You didn't.

But I.

And if I were to fuck it, I would use blue shoes.

I might start wearing a cape.

Yeah, exactly.

Because you're Lord Licorice.

No.

Because you're seeing his style and

something is connecting and you because you wear a camera.

A lot of people wear capes.

No one does, dude.

A lot of people do wear.

A little opera cape.

Like a Victorian era.

Listen, not a lot of people do, but you and Lord Licorice do because you're the same guy.

No,

like I'm going to the opera.

Yeah, with your boyfriend after your plans to cover Candyland and Licorice have been foiled.

With the Duchess.

Bluechew.com offers

stuff for your penis.

Oh, yeah.

Hardening potion for your penis.

Do you use promo code ComeTown or ComeTown20?

Try them out.

Do you remember?

I don't remember.

At this point, just fucking figure it out.

Try a Come Twenty.

Just one of them.

It's probably Come Town.

Come Town 20, and they do.

What did they do for you?

First order free.

First order free.

Just pay shipping.

You best just pay the cheapie.

The cheapie.

And let me tell you, I've had people come up to me, thank me, kiss me on the cheeks, almost in tears, because

Blue Chew saved their relationship because they had a little soft cock.

And And now they have a regular size medium hard cock.

So be one of those people.

This is going to be me, dude.

I'm going to address.

That's me and Istenville.

Wearing my opera cape.

You are Lord Licorice.

Just look at a picture of him.

That's who it's going to.

You're going to be.

You're wrong.

And I'm not Lord Licorice because

I use Blue Chew.com,

which removes...

Well, then I'm definitely not Lord Licorice.

Well, I'm definitely...

Because I also use Blue Chew.com.

Or not Lord Licorice.

I'm way less Lord Licorice.

First of all, I'm King Candy.

You are not King Candy.

Don't even try this, bro.

King Candy?

You're not King Candy.

King Candy's jolly.

He fucking makes people feel hard.

You're goofy gumball.

Okay, it's gooey, first of all.

It's not.

It's not you.

And the point is, you are.

This is stop.

That's not me at all, dude.

That looks like you are.

No, Adam.

He showed me from Adam, but it looked like you.

Opera Close.

Oh, I want to say something about Tango Designs.

Money Moms is back.

How about you wait until we're done talking about blue chip?

Oh, I thought we were done.

Which has the same sexual chemicals as Viagra and Seattle.

If you want to bump your cock full of sexual chemicals, go to blue chip.com.

The chewables are delicious.

You sign up.

No in-person doctor visit, no awkward conversation.

None of that.

You just answer.

Just a hard-ass dick.

A couple of questions.

Put into whoever you want.

They send it to you.

They're not asking questions what you're doing with it.

Discretion-free packaging.

Yeah.

Shipped directly to your fucking door.

It's discretion-free.

It's a giant neon sign that says dick pills that flashes.

And

you can put the flashes on your wife's tits.

That's right.

That's right.

Nothing gets me harder.

You can hang it on your wall next to your St.

Paul girl.

Next to your Tom's a Finland poster.

St.

Paulie Pocket.

I would like to get my dick sucked by the St.

Pauli's girl.

Yeah, yeah, just when she's holding two beers beers and sucking you off.

I would like to dip my cock in the beer and then she gets a little refreshing hit of ale

as she sucks me off.

She's so strong holding those two beers.

She's strong.

She's got big tits.

I love braids like that.

Yeah, she's a powerful woman.

What the fuck is the point of an opera cloak?

Why?

I don't know.

I mean, like, what do you wear?

It's nice.

You cover as your boyfriend sucks your cock at the opera, you raise the cloak.

Yeah, that's true.

So it's almost like no one can see you.

I'd use it to sneak my friends into the opera.

Yep.

So your ticket's basically half price

under your cloak.

So there you go, Nick.

That's your answer.

Well, I guess we're going to go to Wikipedia.

Check out BlueTew.com to win tickets to see

Lord Liquor.

At Ramshead Live.

At the First Mariner Arena.

No, he's been bumped up to the First Mariner Arena.

He's sold out at Ramshead.

Whoever sold Ramshead Live, and there's been an accounting era, and he'll actually be at Fish Head Cantina.

He'll be in beautiful Arbutis, Maryland, performing live at the Fish Head Cantina Outdoor Stage.

Arbutis.

Bro, shouts out to Fish Head, dude.

Shouts out to Fishbowl Thursdays at UMBC.

That's where you would go underage, get fucked up, grind your little penis on a girl, not get pussy.

I think that's where I heard the story.

Mike said it happened there.

Mike Teason

told the story about like, you know, doing a real rough crowd or whatever.

And then

like somebody threw a beer at the stage.

And he caught it.

Oh, yeah.

He didn't open it and he goes, thanks for the drink.

Awesome.

Drank it.

That's so awesome.

The idea that it would be an unopened beer at a bar.

Yeah, that it's it's legal to sell unopened beers at bars.

That all of every single part of that is so awesome.

I missed.

Is that guy alive still?

The internet destroyed people people like that because then they just get to be insane online so you don't encounter them in real life.

Right.

Because the magic is to see that, just to stumble on those people.

We lost our notion of community, which is talking to those kind of people.

I remember going to Wiseacres one time, and

he had all of the fat middle-aged comedians at a table at the back of Wise Acres.

The boys club.

Somebody was just shooting them with a camcorder.

Hell yeah.

I don't even know.

It wasn't like rigged for sound or anything.

And in between takes.

And I couldn't even determine what was happening.

There was just a giant plate of spaghetti,

and they were all sitting there, and like he's affecting some like sopranos thing.

Awesome.

And he told me, he explained what was going on.

He's like, Yeah, we're making a viral video.

That's pretty good.

This is going to go viral.

And this was like, this is like 2006.

It's like, to what extent something can go.

It's probably like seven and a half minutes long.

Yeah.

And I have no idea.

I couldn't discern what the sketch was.

Yeah.

It was just like a bunch of fat people eating spaghetti.

It's all funny.

If someone can find that, please show it to us.

Email Adam and let him know.

Email me at Adam at Lord Licorice.

At nickislordlicorice.com.

Adam at nickislordlicorice.com.

He is Lord Licorice.

Come on, Adam.

We know it in our hearts who's Lord Licorice.

That's something, Lord Licorice.

Oh, also, guys,

I interrupted the read rudely, but now I think I have a chance to say it.

Funny Moms is back.

The first show is now sold out.

Nice.

But the second show on the 31st

are tickets available.

We will be there every

Monday?

Every Monday other than the 31st.

Other than the 1st.

So

basically every Monday other than the first Monday of the month, we will be at Come On Everybody.

And

I believe

because there's reduced capacity, we encourage buying tickets online.

Not only do we encourage it, for right now, that's the only way to get it.

For right now, that's pretty much the only way.

You can't walk up and get tickets, so if you don't have them online, don't even fucking bother yet.

Don't come out.

Don't be part of the scene like the, you know, like the lot report at a Grateful Dead concert.

I don't want you selling gemstones.

Unless you're a single woman with large.

You know what?

Not even just with.

If you're a single woman that wants to get into something after the show, you are exempted.

Any single woman.

For the most part.

Any age.

If you're cool.

Well, no,

of course, of age.

Over 18.

Yeah.

Under 100.

Under 98.

But yeah, anyway, so there.

Also, I'm going to run an hour a couple more times in the city before the tour starts up.

I'm going to do

the 8th of June at the Slipper Room.

My friend Adam will be joining me.

And then on the 22nd, I'm going to do two shows at Union Hall.

And at Union Hall, they're going to do the real capacity, but you have to have a vaccination record.

So anyway, that's two chances to see me fucking try and remember my hour of stand-up comedy.

That's June 8th.

at the Slipper Room and June 22nd at Union Hall.

I'm going to put that shit up on...

Oh, and I'm going to do Stopby Solves Your Problems again,

maybe once a month.

And the first one will be next Wednesday.

So anyway, look out for all that shit, you little fuckers.

And finally, and most importantly, Nick is Lord Licorice.

I'm not Lord Licorice.

Should I buy this Venetian mask?

Fuck yes, dude.

That shit rocks.

I'll be at this.

Get that.

What size is it?

Do they make mask sizes?

It does not come in fat.

Fuck.

Fuck.

It is not offered in fat.

It doesn't come in large cheeks.

Just that scene in eyes wide shut and then Stop's fat fucking head poking around the side of a mask.

What's up?

Can I also get some pussy from Nicole Kidman?

A head and a half shorter than all the other people?

No.

It's a movie starring Tom Cruise, dude.

I'm yeah, but then everyone else at the party.

He's the star of the movie.

You're just one of the extras.

I'm getting pussy from Nicole Kidman.

I've never seen that movie.

Does she fuck?

You haven't seen that movie?

I just re-watched it again.

I watched that movie like six times a year.

It's so good.

All right, maybe I'll watch it.

Oh, you like it, Adam?

I love it.

Never mind.

It's bad.

I think it's so bad.

I guess I will watch it.

Yeah, it's so bad.

No, it's not good.

It's not good.

I thought it was good, but then

I remember that I didn't eat lunch.

Yeah.

And I'm having.

I'm very sleepy.

I'm having a

diabetic

diabetes.

I'm going to watch.

I was thinking about Wolfred Brimley saying that

I've been meeted by women.

Oh, meeted.

Yeah.

I've been meted by a a couple of people.

Recently you may have heard the news that I raped a woman and I'm being meeted in the press.

Well it's not true.

It isn't true.

My dick hasn't, my penis has been inoperable since the filming of

the China Syndrome,

where the director made me put my penis in an actual nuclear reactor to see what would happen.

That's so fucked up.

And I lost use of my cock and balls.

And since then, I've been what I consider a girl.

Since then, I've been getting fucked in my ass.

That's a good movie.

You ever see that?

That's what it's called, right?

China Syndrome.

It doesn't sound.

I don't think so.

It's about the virus.

Imagine riding, giving out, getting a Wilford Brimley-style mustache ride.

That must feel good on your pussy.

Jack Lemon, Michael Douglas.

Oh, that's a nice little lineup.

Yeah.

That's a a nice fucking little lineup.

I watched Rollerball recently.

China Syndrome is funny because it sounds like mongoloid, you know?

Yeah.

It sounds like you're telling me this nuclear reactor makes people retarded.

That's not what I'm saying at all.

I'm saying my penis got stuck in the reactor and now I can't get my dick hard anymore.

They fraud my dick and balls.

They're mostly there.

You're saying you can't make pussy.

That's exactly right.

But if you fold my balls, maybe you can use them as a pussy.

Well, Michael, I was wondering maybe you could try sucking my penis.

Wake it up.

Only if it's sexy.

It's a movie called The China Syndrome, written and directed by me, Wolford Brimley.

Where I dip my balls in nuclear waste.

Well, the premise of the movie

is my penis has stopped, my penis has stopped working on account of me putting my penis in a nuclear erector.

And Michael Douglas.

Michael Douglas.

Michael Douglas.

Michael Douglas.

McColdeglis.

McCull Douglas has to suck my penis.

My penis has to be suked by Michael Douglas.

McColdeglis.

McCall de Glass.

Motherfucker McCall de Gliss.

Your penis, your medication, Liberty Mutual will suck your penis.

We'll come to your house and knock down down your door and give you a penis.

Liberty Mutual has a ruler that they'll send to your house to measure your penis.

And it adds one inch.

If a girl is watching, if a girl is nearby, you can ask her to measure your penis.

Call your doctor and ask him about getting pussy.

Yeah, we'll send you the trick Liberty Mutual ruler.

Makes your dick 1.1 inches longer than it is.

I'm Wilford Bremlin.

You may know that I lost my penis in a nuclear accident in 1970.

Honestly, we should make a ruler that says your dick is bigger than it is.

I love that, too.

That's a huge money-making opportunity.

Of course.

I stay active and I feel pretty good most of the time.

But my penis still doesn't work.

The bad news is my penis is still damaged from a nuclear action.

Damn, dude.

I would not want my penis in a volcano.

What a funny guy to become an an actor.

I think it's perfect.

To the stage or stage.

Imagine him showing up in Hollywood producers' office being like, I'm trying to be an actress.

I'll do whatever it takes.

You fuck me.

I fuck you.

I'm not going to squeal.

I'll do whatever it takes to have a career.

Yeah, I think actually it's great that he's an actor.

We need more guys like him in Hollywood.

That's true.

And more leading men that look at him.

turbo tax offers three ways

turbo boo

don't ever use turbo tax

you know when i was a kid and got a hold of a nickel i thought i was rich i remember that didn't turn up my nose at pennies either today some folks oh i wonder why you remember that i don't remember it dude you know uh there's something i love it's nickels and pennies we thought we played this commercial on the show wilford brimley must be a jewish icon

yeah we played this for the show

for today you don't remember it.

In fact, if anyone wants to pull the clip of Adam saying he doesn't remember the commercial, yeah, let's get that.

And then I played it on the show.

Email it at Nick or Adam at nickislordlicorice.com.

What's this?

This is probably a gotta be.

This presentation is brought to you by Liberty Medical so you can live a better life.

This has got to be somebody's joke video.

I don't want to play somebody's joke.

Good morning.

I'm Wilfred Brimley, and I'd like to talk to you for a few minutes about diabetes.

Actually, about my prediction

and and how it's affected me in my life.

Now, I'm not perfect, and I've done things I shouldn't do.

Man doesn't like to admit he was gay,

but I want to tell you,

I was very, very fortunate to be engaged to my partner, Dick Richards.

Okay, that solid stuff.

Who made it?

That's Wolford Brimley.

Shout out the YouTube channel.

Whoever did that,

probably didn't steal it.

Right, John.

It's Wolford Brimley on homosexuality by Wells for president, added 10 years ago.

10 years ago, Wikipedia.

See, back then, you actually had to learn how to use Premiere Pro.

You can't just do a shitty impression

and get on your podcast and say, I lost my dick

trying to have sex with a nuclear reactor.

I thought it was a giant glowing pussy.

I thought it was a pussy.

I had done some peyote, and I thought the reactor was a big, glowing red pussy.

You wouldn't be able to suck my penis.

My penis is gay, I'm gay, and I'm homo.

Nice, dude.

Thanks.

That's again pressing.

Damn.

Imagine if you had a constantly hot penis, like a penis so hot, you have to wear metal underwear, and it would scorch your mouth.

If it's metal, then the whole is very hot.

Metal is conductive.

It's special metal, Adam.

What do you mean?

There's come to

special metal.

There's come Town clips that come up when you search for that.

Let's just start listening to the show.

Yeah, let's see.

Yeah, that's how we flip it on the clip, guys.

You know what we should start doing, honestly?

Intuit came into the area.

There were some businesses that were...

No!

Honestly, we should just start rolling the good clip compilations as episodes when we don't feel like doing the show.

Gay Michael Douglas.

Like, you know how we went to the cabin and we did 12 episodes.

Instead of doing them, just take videos from online.

Well, these guys did all the work by putting the clips together.

Well, we did, we did the initial work.

They did this work.

It's an Urupurus.

Yeah, they're taking our labor.

And then we read their labor.

We take it.

Here's a classic Michael Penis.

Badam Battle.

He's from Pittsburgh.

Is he from Pittsburgh?

He's from Pittsburgh.

Who's from Pittsburgh?

Him and Michael Keaton.

Yeah.

I know his brother.

Michael Penis.

I hate Michael Pennett.

You know, Dennis Penny.

What if Michael Keaton's name was Michael Penis?

I just really think he was cool.

He's trying to

He's cool.

He's decorated and we can add to it.

Dude, I play Batman.

He's great at Batman.

Like a marquee just says penis.

Stone.

Penis.

I'm with you.

I love that.

That's great, man.

Yeah.

No, I'm forcing myself to get on that level, but I love that.

That'd be cool.

He's a great actor.

Tonight on Inside the Actor's Studio, I sit down

with Hollywood actor Michael Penis.

I'm James Faggot.

Yes.

That's good, Michael Penis.

Is that Michael Shannon?

Anybody's Michael Penis?

That's good too.

How would you know the difference?

I'm character actor.

I'm actor Michael Penis.

A lot of people confuse me with the actor Michael Penis who played Batman.

But I'm a different Michael Penis.

Michael G.

Penis.

My name is Michael G.

Penis.

Don't be confused with the black actor.

Michael K.

Penis.

Yeah, Michael K.

Penis and Michael Balls.

And they were both on that show.

Michael Balls Penis.

This is so much better than doing the show.

I remember that.

That was funny, dude.

Yeah.

That's the nice part about never listening to to the show.

How did that wrap up, though?

That's more funny part at the end.

Do you want to really just come on?

We can't do that.

No, no, no.

You can't do that.

I'm trying to remember.

It's funny to do it as a bit for a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But we got to get back to reading ad copies.

Yeah, dude.

We got to do that.

We got to get back to talking about cushy dreams.

And then after, maybe we.

Maybe we can find time.

Maybe we can figure out the ending after.

Oh, I remember.

I remember it.

After we read it.

We talk about cookies.

Let everybody know some of the highest quality CBDs.

Smokeable CBD.

Smokeable CBDs.

Which you smoke because you can.

Because you can.

Smoke it because you can.

You smoke because you can.

It's lab tested, grown in Humboldt County, just like the real shit.

The good shit.

With real marijuana recently.

You smoke one of these things and

it gets you fucked up without ruining your day.

It's great.

I like to wake up and I smoke a whole pre-roll.

They sell pre-rolls and they sell eights.

They also got the like, what is it, the half gram?

Half gram.

Half gram joints.

Those are nice.

Those are the best.

I love

hit the half gram to the face, wake up, and then it's like I've been smoking weed for hours and I'm done with it.

Exactly.

I'm ready to start my day.

Exactly right.

If you're like me, you have constant chest pains and your eye hurts.

Right.

And this does nothing for you.

It does not alleviate that at all, but you feel sort of high.

And you don't give a shit enough to make a doctor's appointment.

No.

That's right.

Which is.

Even though you can finally afford health care for the first time in your life.

But you can't navigate the system.

But it's a little annoying to do it.

So you just.

I literally could not.

I called in the Blue Cross, Blue Shield, and they hung up on me.

Yes.

Well, it's probably because you sound like a villain like Lord Licorice.

That's not why.

It's because I was fucked up on Cushy Dreams.

Oh, really?

Wow.

They're like, well, that's fucked up on their part.

It's the perfect CBD, and it's 100% legal.

You get caught with it, you hand it over to the cop, and you say, you know, it's like a Kendall Jenner Pepsi.

Officer, I bought this from a podcast told me to buy this.

Yeah, podcast, and they never say anything illegal.

Yeah, they got all kinds of different strains.

Independently lab-tested, yeah.

Hustle, energy, flow, rhythm,

gape, vivacity, soul, sister, sister girl,

flavor girl, flavor flavor town, they have the guy Fieri line, Bam, Rockstar,

they have Orange Crocs,

Clinical Depression,

Monsanto, they have the Monsanto, they got the fucking

middle school slut.

Middle school slut.

My name is Monsanto Ribiera.

That's a hot name.

And

I'm not gay, I'm Spanish.

I would kiss Monsanto Ribiera one time.

Yeah, and anyways, this shows me.

I'd let him show me the ways of love.

It makes you feel good.

I don't know what else to say.

It makes you feel good, dudes.

And here's the thing.

It's smokable.

What are you, a baby?

Having CBD gummies?

Yeah.

Having CBD vapes.

Get the fuck out of here.

Fucking pussy.

I just had them send me a bit more.

Nice.

Nice.

And I got it all lined up on my table here.

Yep.

And after we finish this read,

we're going to play some clips for you guys.

We're going to burn one down.

We're going to play the clips.

We're going to play the clips through the phone while we watch candyland or the lollipop adventure or whatever take the headphones off

anyone's enjoy some we have it rigged up where it will automatically end at one hour exactly

that's awesome now you know what now i kind of want to try some licorice yeah i'm telling you it's not that bad should we get some licorice after this yeah i guess we should we should just as a taste test um we'll get some licorice after the show, but while we do that, you guys should go to cushydreams.com and use promo code Come Town to receive

20% off your next order.

That's NEXT order.

That's right.

That's NEXT order.

That's N-E-X-T-O-R-D.

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When you use promo code Come Town.

That's cushiedreams.com and your personal computer.

That's P-E-R-S-O-N-A-L.

C-O-M-P-U-T-E-R.

Promo code Come Town.

That's right.

Just go ahead and type in.

That's P-R-O-M-O.

That's promo.

C-O-D.

That's P-R-O-M-O.

C-H-O-D-E.

I got a promo chat for you, pal.

Promo code Come Town or Cometown20.

And if you were born.

And that's O-R.

If you were born.

W-E-N-T-Y.

Premature, as always.

Check with your doctor before taking any medication because you are weak.

You were born pretty.

I was born Premi.

You were born weak?

No.

I was doing March.

I was born in February.

I was born February 11th.

I was supposed to be born March 9th.

I was a huge baby.

I kind of peaked at birth.

I destroyed my mom's pussy.

Yeah.

I know.

I've been mad about that, by the way.

Yeah,

so fucked up.

And then I never grew.

I've been the same size since I was in.

Yeah, he came out five foot four.

You were giant.

They only do weight and length.

Yeah, they do.

They measure your dick.

Yeah.

Shouts out, by the way, to Mike Racine, keeping his son uncircumcised.

Yeah, I know.

He just told you that.

Are you serious?

I saw his kid yesterday.

You saw his penis?

Yeah, he was like, well, let's take a look.

Let's see what's going on.

He did say

we were at Defani's, so I had to take a look.

Yeah.

It's part of the culture.

All the old-timers at Defonti's.

They all look at his penis.

They're just not the baby's penis.

Of course.

Dude, he lied to me.

I love Defoni's, dude.

No, he didn't lie to you.

And also, I went to meet the baby last week, and he claimed that the baby had a very nice penis.

Did he show it to you?

No, I said I didn't.

I had a potato.

I had a nice day with Mike.

We got some watermelon.

That's awesome.

That's nice.

Dude, I've been eating tomatoes and watermelon.

It's summertime, dude.

Tomatoes for lunch, watermelon for salt.

Watermelon right now.

Sweet tomato.

I'm going to get some licorice and watermelon after this.

Smoke a little cushy dreams and watch the licorice land of the movie.

Yeah, dude.

Lord, whatever.

Lord Licorice is hysterical.

Just a completely phoned-in gay villain from like everything.

Yeah, it's good to get into gay baby movies and then be like, I'm doing this for work.

It's for my job.

Yeah, I'm going to be purchasing this movie and writing it off on my taxes.

Yeah.

For my job.

I'm renting this for $4.99 on Amazon.

No, it's we're buying it.

Well, you got it.

Remember when Paul Manafort got caught buying that jacket for like $10,000 and writing it off on his taxes?

And everybody's mad about it.

And it's like, no, you just don't know how to do taxes.

Yeah, that guy was on.

That's the only good thing about Paul Manafort is that he bought a $10,000 jacket and he was like, yeah, I need this for work, bitch.

What was his job?

That's like from what every account I've ever had has told me, that's the one of the only things you can't write off is drip.

Yeah.

It's clothes, gym, groceries.

Yeah, and groceries.

Yeah.

Why not groceries?

What if you for your business?

What if your business is.

Even then, all the shit you like, quote unquote, write off.

Like, I basically, for every, like, every time I eat out, you know, it's like if it's with other comics comics or whoever,

and it's like that's a business meeting, but then the bookkeeper like only takes like fucking 10% of that.

Yeah, I don't think they take the full.

Yeah, they filter all that shit out.

Yeah, I um anytime.

They know you'll get caught.

They know you're a retarded person.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

That's good.

They know that you keep your records really tight.

Although I'm done with my CPA, finally.

Nice.

They fucked me for the last time.

For the last time?

For the last time.

Damn.

Well, now you can have a sexual relationship

available.

If you're an accountant,

you want to manage next month.

You want to see out there.

Actually, that would be kind of cool.

To fuck a CPA.

You want to fuck Patrick?

If you're a CPA, if you're a lady out there and you have some bullshit accounting job and you want to get stuffed.

You know, you want some business and then also I sexually harass you at your office.

Yeah.

I'd be fine.

I got to be honest with you.

Hold on.

I'm painting a whole picture here.

I come in, I drop off the paperwork.

I close the door behind me.

I start smoking in the office.

She's like, you can't can't do that in here, and I'm like, Yeah, what else can I do?

Exactly.

I step up a notch.

You're like, Oh, really?

Oh, really?

Guess she's been listening to Andrew W.

K.

on the way over.

I step it up a notch, and I'd fuck the meanest bitch that works at the IRS.

Yeah, you couldn't handle that.

They call her the angel of death.

You couldn't handle that pussy.

No, and that's, and then she, she's so addicted to me that she has to to let me cheat on my taxes.

No, you don't have that kind of dick,

you don't have that kind of dick, you don't have that kind of fucking ability.

Yeah, but a woman like that wants a pathetic penis.

No, she doesn't.

She's a powerful woman.

She's been working all day.

If you're one of these mean cunts at the IRS that wants to have sex with Adam, go ahead and call in the 98 Rock.

Describe Adam.

Call into the Justin Scott Spiegel Morning Show and describe

that we sent you.

Describe Adam's penis to whoever answers the phone and ask for tickets to see Lord Licorice at Fish Head Cantina.

Please call 98 Rock incessantly and ask

for two tickets to see Lord Licorice at the fish head cantina.

Oh, fuck, dude.

I love fish head cantina.

Yeah.

I have some great college memories.

I have some great open mic memories there.

Wow.

Shout out to Uncle Dave and his little ass penis.

I did it.

That's one of those places I'd like, it's just, I have, you know, when you have like a memory of a place that's like so hazy that you can't tell if it was like a dream.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, that's how I feel about Fish Head Cantina.

I know, remember the layout and what it looked like inside, but it feels like something I dreamt.

You did, dude.

And it's the kind of place you dream about, too.

I remember one of my first.

Because it's a bizarre-looking building.

I mean, what the fuck is this?

Yeah.

It's like it was like a Chinese doctor's office.

You think they added this park?

That they added

a jetty element to.

It's like a dock bar attached, like stapled to a Chinese doctor's office.

I would be shocked if it's still open, actually.

I think I heard rumors of it going out of business.

That would be a damn shame.

And if that's true, I'm going to go to a vigil.

I get really sad anytime I hear a business fails.

Really?

Yeah,

it's like a death.

Is a small business?

type of business dude bigger business circuit city Yeah, it's sad.

I did have some nice memories at Circuit City We had our first family PC there

how the fucking uh uh

I used to buy C D's

the entrance looks like a plug

Fish head no the Circuit City

in the commercial it was like a plug went into the entrance yeah yeah it was yeah I don't think that's used to do it for me.

Yeah, when I was a kid, I'd see the place.

I'd be like, that's a big plug.

That's the plug place.

I'm satisfied for some reason.

I'm experiencing satisfaction.

Ah, fuck.

Yeah, dude.

You go, you look at the fucking Gateway computers.

You go look at the J-Lo video they're playing.

You get horny.

Gateway 2000, because that hasn't been a year yet.

Not yet.

So it's like futuristic.

And it was cow.

It looked like a cow.

If you Google like cow-themed comedy.

Remember Doctor Dreamos?

Theater company.

Doctor Dreamos.

You know, I never made it there, but I remember.

If you Google that, you get pictures of like comedians we know from like fifteen years ago.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Hilarious pic right there.

Damn, he looks young as hell.

Yeah.

Damn, our youth is really gone.

It is gone, dude.

Oh, it's not true.

It

well, for me and Nick, we have a little bit left.

I would say we have about two years left.

I don't know, I've got my mind is youth.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah.

You don't know.

You don't know.

You don't know any of these guys.

These are freaks that were doing comedy.

These are guys back in the day.

These are grinders.

These are Mike Grinders.

These aren't guys that were

sucking on the teats of Brandon Weatherby.

Yeah.

Dude, that's not.

Do not say that.

That's the most attention thing you're saying.

When I met you, you were like, Brandon Weatherby is the one who's a kid.

He's the killest guy.

And he's going to let me suck his daddy.

That was the first time, honestly, I met you

at Looking Glass Lounge at his show.

That's what I was talking about.

Looking Glass?

Yeah.

Was it there, RFD?

Adam used to have a telescope that he would put in other guys' pants.

Yeah, that's how they named the restaurant.

Adam was just standing there looking at guys cocks through a telescope.

Yeah.

Yeah,

it's a cool name.

Oh, shit.

I remember one of my first mics, I was at RFD, and Ralph...

told me to he's like you better be good because uncle dave's in the office

and i said I said, I don't know what that means, but that just sounds so funny.

Uncle Dave's here, man.

He's like, dog, you need to bring it.

The unknown.

Uncle Dave is in the crowd.

Uncle Dave took a break from jacking off in his parents' basement as a 47-year-old man to come scout some talent.

And I remember seeing him in the audience.

He's going to hear that.

Arms crossed.

He's going to hear that, and he's going to have to beat off.

It's going to make him horny.

I hope so.

Is Cafe Japanese still around?

I don't think so.

Not as a mic, at least.

Oh, certainly not as a mic, but.

Nah.

I never went there, dude.

Former Cafe Japanese space gutted.

Uh-oh.

Oh, it's gone.

I used to go there in college to do sake bombs.

They didn't card us.

You were down there at Foggy Bottom.

Foggy Bottom.

Yeah, yeah.

Japanese.

Which is also your nickname after you speak of it.

Bosa Lounge.

Yeah.

Bosa Lounge, Rendezvous, Chief Ikes.

Chief Ikes, I do remember.

Chief Ikes.

Chief Ikes is still kicking.

It comes back every like.

But way back in the day,

the P Street mics were Soho, Japan A, and Bosa.

Bosa was on 18th Street.

That was before my brother.

Before me as well, my brother.

I was still in Baltimore kicking around.

He was a

16-year-old Phenom.

No, I was 35 years old.

Don't forget I'm the oldest one on the show, except in cases where being that makes you a loser, in which case you're

both the oldest and Lord Lickorish.

I don't care about my daughter.

Look, I don't want to get in the middle of this age dispute, but you are Lord Lickerish.

Listen, I was born during the Reagan administration, and I'm proud of it.

I'm proud that you're not the last.

Yeah,

the Nancy Reagan.

I got the last.

Yeah, you were born.

Adam was born during the Nancy Reagan.

I'm glad I got the last year of the Gippers.

You're the best president to suck dick.

Adam only knows the first ladies.

Nancy was the superhero.

I would love to get my dick sucked by Nancy.

She would be sick.

My lovely wife sucked

the Duke's penis in front of me.

I knew one day I'd have to bomb

several countries to get over it.

Nah, dude, I bet you Reagan loved watching this bitch suck cock in front of him.

He wanted the wall torn down because his wife was getting fucked behind him.

Mr.

Gorbachev, blast down this ass.

Blow out her walls.

You think Gorbachev fucked up.

Should I throw up my TV and get a fish tank?

No, but I like this.

This image.

I am fairly certain you will be a fish tank guy at a certain point in your life.

But you've been wrong about everything.

No, I think I've seen that.

You know what?

I can go.

Let's run down through Adam's takes.

Okay, let's go.

Number one, adult.

First, the take he had as an adult is real good.

Went over there to volunteer.

No, pretty fucking good.

Participated in a couple of times.

It is very funny that you did go participate.

You get mad.

I did not participate in a genocide.

You went over there to participate.

I worked on an ambulance.

It's like

for all the jokes we do, it's not like me and Stop went on some Lewis and Clark show.

I volunteered on an ambulance.

Imagine if, like, when I, yeah, when I was 18, I went to a reservation to just boss people around.

Yeah, it's part of my church group.

It was an Israeli My church group went to a reservation to shove people around

and eat their food.

Just admit you had a small part in genocide.

A very small part.

No, I didn't.

An incredibly small part.

No, but here's the thing.

Look, if somebody went to like Hitler youth camp, they're like, yeah, but I just brought the napkins.

You know, you wouldn't be like, oh.

Bye-bye, me.

Right.

You know?

You thought I brought napkins to Israel?

And that would you do?

No, that's all right.

Yeah, because it's a fight.

That's the, that's, you know, how like the Naval Academy where they all have to climb up that statue?

Yeah.

In the IDF, they have a graduation party, and they all fight to be the person that just has to bring the cups.

Yeah.

The napkin cups.

It's on napkin duty.

It is really.

Because they have to climb to have the cheapest involvement.

That really is a cushy job, the napkin guy.

No, I did not participate in the genocide.

Nobody wants to bring the Mountain Dew code red.

And once again, our official stance is free Palestine.

That is an official show story.

Well, my stance is more just fuck Israel.

You're more fucking.

You know, I'm not glad it gives me cover right now.

Sure.

Niggas are going to

be a little bit more.

I'm like, what's Palestine?

What's Gaza?

Anyways, fuck Israel.

Oh, they're doing that?

Yeah.

Did you see this Jeremy Corbyn thing where he's like next to an inflatable

guy with horns at his speech and they're trying to say that it's like an anti-Semitic caricature?

Yeah.

It looks like

an Arab.

Well, it is.

It's the Saudis, right?

No, it's one of the Emirate guys.

Oh.

Some UAE guy.

The Emiratis.

They're trying to say that that's anti-Semitic to the.

Yeah,

I saw that tweet, and I thought it would be funny to go down to the protests in Bay Ridge, be like vicious anti-Semitism on display, and then just zoom the video in on like a Bank of America

and then post it on social media.

Be like, people are informing me that this bank was already there, that it's not part of the protest, but it's very clear that the subtext is clear.

Obviously, the implication is the Jews run all the banks.

Yeah, that's why they're protesting outside of it.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you couldn't have picked anywhere else.

Anyway, you couldn't have picked another 14-block stretch that didn't have a bank on it.

Oh, fuck.

Okay, so I want to return, though, what are all Adam's bad takes?

Okay, what's my second bad take?

Because I got to be honest, I could see you getting into fish.

Because you like

learning stuff, right?

Yeah, and you like tinkering.

You like, you know, you like to dabble with hyperfish.

Yeah, but I'm bad at plants.

Yeah, but you could check

balance.

And you could.

Yeah, he might kill them.

That's right.

I could kill

you.

That's why I'm not good at cooking because cooking is a very one-way process.

What do you mean?

All the things I like to do are like iterative, or you can, like, you know, you get a lot of do-overs.

Right, you fuck around until you problem solve.

Exactly.

Yeah, you can do that with cooking.

No, you can't.

Not really.

The food is cooked or it's not, motherfucker.

Yeah, but you can do it.

Kill cookies.

Yeah, but

I'm eating real men's meals over here, Salisbury steaks and stuff.

You're having, what, a piece of lettuce marinated in Sonny D.

Is this another one of my bad takes?

Yes.

Yeah.

Juice marinated a lettuce?

Yeah.

Classic Israeli treatment.

That's true.

Yeah, they do like that over there.

I would like a fish tattoo.

I think I've had a title.

They say they ban the cops from Pride and the cops are upset about it.

You can't be a gay cop anymore.

Well, it's just very funny.

They just have to be mad at everything.

Oh, the actual cops are mad.

So some guys are like, this is unbelievable that these queers don't want us there.

Yeah.

Like,

those guys approved of it like six months ago.

Right.

Like, those guys are not.

That's awesome.

Damn.

So now you know what that means.

What's that?

We can go run a mocket pride.

Oh, I thought you were going to say we need to be the new cops there.

No, that's what I, no, the opposite.

Now we become

a men's uniform, an army guy uniform.

Fried parade.

They have fried dough.

Actually,

now I want to go to that dough.

That sounds pretty good.

Oh, man.

That would be awesome.

The fried parade?

We should have just a snack parade.

We should.

If you can have like all these other.

How about just a parade for just generalized hedonism?

Absolutely.

Not homosexual.

Not in the gay version.

Yeah, just, I mean, maybe if you want to.

Yeah, that's true.

There's a part of it that's gay.

Lazily having gay sex.

I don't want to wear a costume or be jacked anymore.

Yeah.

What I want is to watch.

I have a float, and it's me on

a big platform with wheels under it, and I'm sitting on a couch watching the Lord Licorice movie.

And I'm like, you know, it's not as gay as I thought it would be.

It's actually pretty smart.

It's for adults.

And George Sakai's like, great job.

Thank you for coming, everybody.

He doesn't talk like that.

Okay.

Okay.

So is he the Grand Marshal of the I have to suck penis?

But how do you talk?

You talk like that.

I have to suck penis.

I can't wear the suck penis.

I'm gay.

I can't wear the suck penis.

Oh, nice penis.

Oh, nice penis.

Mr.

George Takai and me will be having gissics.

We'll be having gissics.

We'll be having gissics on the parade.

Impaired float featuring me and Mr.

George

having gissics in my my ass.

Fuck.

You invited George Takai to the gay parade.

I thought we were going to have gay sex.

I thought I was going to be the grandmaster.

Just because I get pussy, I can't be the grandmaster of the gay private.

That makes sense.

I saw him in Chinatown.

Michael.

That was Jack Nicholson.

It was Michael.

In Chinatown.

No, I saw Michael.

He's not in the movie Chinatown.

He's not in Chinatown.

Another bad Adam projection name.

No, that wasn't a turf.

Another incorrect Adam projection.

He said, I guarantee you, Michael Douglas will be in Chinatown.

Oh, I didn't see that.

And it was Jack Nicholson.

Yep.

I've had a couple of bad takes, but you haven't named any of them.

So, oh, do you know them?

Well, the worst take I think I had on the show is when I didn't know what a turf was, and I said, I think that that's right.

And then the next episode says, I said that I looked it up, and I think that it's bad.

Oh, you were pro-Turf.

I think for one episode,

I asked you to say that.

Speaking

the least offensive thing.

That's offensive to the sound.

You think that's the most offensive thing you've said on the show?

No, I said the word.

That's true.

All the anti-Semitic things that you've said on this show.

No, you say anti-Semitic things.

We've said them together.

We haven't said that.

Collectively,

we couldn't.

You two have said that.

I wouldn't be in my direction.

If I had just been doing this show with my normal black female friends,

we all know, look, I did not tear down the fourth wall, but the show ends.

You go home to your girlfriend.

Stop goes to Chinese Buffet.

That's right.

That's right.

And me and my friends,

the black women I'm friends with, sit here and watch

sister and sister.

Dean Tamara?

Yes.

He doesn't know they're actual names.

He doesn't want to dox them.

Just sitting there and be like, which one's fucking sister?

Oh, the both sister.

The both sister?

All right.

Yeah, I think, you know, it's kind of hard, man.

I had to admit it, but they all look the same.

Yeah.

The twins.

What do you mean, the twins?

Like the Minnesota Twins.

You're saying the baseball players.

What the fuck?

He doesn't know what the concept of twins is

unless it refers to the Minnesota twins.

What the hell are you talking about?

Bro, they got a brother?

Yeah.

He's a wise guy or something?

Yeah.

This guy Rogers.

He's coming over all the time.

I don't know who Rogers.

I don't know what it is.

He got his own home.

What the hell is this guy doing?

What the hell is this, Roger?

What the hell is this?

He's a neighbor.

What do you mean, like, neighbor?

I thought they were all neighbors.

Oh, you mean like a guy that lives next door?

That's what you call a neighbor?

Oh, I'm very confused.

I thought it was the Dutch word for,

you know, sister.

That's what they call them over there, is the neighbors.

I didn't know that about the Dutch.

Yeah, that's why they call a place a neighborhood.

They shorten it to hood.

Because I don't like using that word.

Interesting.

Yeah.

That makes a lot of sense.

Like boys in the hood.

Right.

You know.

No, I get that.

Yeah.

The thing is, that would still apply to just the term neighborhood if it didn't mean something in Dutch.

Yeah, something like that.

Doesn't quite make sense.

Even for our retarded logic.

Let me ask you something.

Basket Robinson.

They got 31 flavors.

Yeah.

Who's counted all those?

That's such a fucking great question.

We're supposed to just take their word for it.

I mean, you could count them.

Nah.

Now, what do I look like a fucking abacus?

What do I look like?

Fucking Neil deGrasse Tyson?

Damn, Neil deGrasse.

I saw some really gay tweet from him the other day where he's like, there is a chemical that is abundant in,

you know, that will cause death if consumed, you know, and it's in 99% of our food and the products we consume.

That chemical?

H2O.

Whatever.

And it's like, shut up.

What is

why are you tweeting this like popsicle stick?

Fucking...

Cool, dude.

You had the Snapple of Facts.

I feel like he really peaked, I would say, like six or seven years ago.

Yeah, well, with the I Fucking Love Science Facebook page.

Yeah.

That was it for him.

Yeah.

Luckily, we'll never peak.

I hope he cashed in on some pussy at that time because it's not coming now, Neil deGrasse.

No, he's still getting it.

You think so?

Yeah, he's still getting it off of like ladies that are like, we have to trust the science.

It was really because he got

a lot of money.

He got me too, and he was like, I can explain.

I was trying to rip off all of her clothes to see her space tattoos.

Like, she had a tattoo of Pluto and I had to pull it on the planet he's like I had to pull her clothes off to see it

this is weird nerd like looking under this woman's clothes yeah he's like believe me I never saw a pussy

I've only had sex four times

neil to smash pussy he was uh he was kind of hot though he was kind of ripped he played bass yeah he had big arms he had bigger arms than you'd think yeah he's a black he's a cool black guy he plays bass plenty of black guys don't have big arms You fucking race.

I think that might be my worst take on the show.

You were also, I remember, pro-Tulsi Gabbard.

I'm pro

wanting to smash.

Oh, I would love to get him.

No, you were pro-Tulsi in terms of.

You thought she was going to be president.

What's bad about it?

Oh, yeah, she's

your day after the election, you said.

Tulsi's.

Yeah, because she was a

hot troop.

You heard someone else say that.

Yeah, probably.

But listen, I will fuck Tulsi.

No, no, no.

someone's marked by them.

Now, again, don't get it wrong.

Don't get me twisted.

Yeah.

I would like to fuck twisting.

She has that monotone, deep voice.

Neil deGrasse Tyson.

You're fucking me so good right now.

That would be awesome, dude.

Accused of sexual misconduct by four women.

She's a Hindu nationalist.

That's her thing.

Oh, she's on that Modi shit?

She's a Modist.

Yeah, no one believed Chia Ahmet.

That's the woman's name that accused him.

Yep.

And it's like somebody being.

So somebody.

Wait, so he has four accusers and he's allowed to tweet that shit?

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

So Chia Ahmet, and so somebody's like, he raped me.

And it's like a guy being like, Chia, Ahmet.

Yeah.

You know, like an Italian guy?

Yeah.

Like, Chia, I met.

He's like deaf, too.

He's a little, he's Italian deaf.

Chia, I bet.

I bet he did.

Tamat.

Are we going to Nirvani for dinner?

I'm going to get a big old waggable moolable.

A big...

I don't know.

That's Italian and deaf.

Yeah.

You got no chance.

No shot.

Damn, I love all your screensavers now.

They're all aquatic, dude.

Yeah.

The aquatic ones are awesome.

I've been on some aquatic shit.

I might have to go to Greece.

Yeah, I'm going to go to...

Copier.

No, I'm not copier.

I'm from the camera.

I'm copying Sisterhood of the Travelers.

When are you going?

I'm going to go to the Isle of Lespos.

Nuh-uh.

That's where my grandma's from.

Yeah, I bet she was, dude.

She was fucking scissoring that wish.

Yeah.

Shouts out to my fucking grandma this dude.

This is who hit the

Staples That Was Easy button on Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Damn.

Fuck.

Okay.

Yeah.

Dude, she's hot.

Oh, no, that's what I said.

So Neil was raping recently?

I thought it was like back in the 70s.

Well,

he set up a telescope into her pussy.

He was in the observatory looking into her bedroom.

If you stick.

And he called her on the phone.

He's like, ah, Ashley, I'm at the observatory right now.

I can see your pussy.

Do you mind if I mash my penis up to the eye part of the telescope and pretend I'm fucking you?

You'll have to forgive me.

I do have autism.

That would be awesome if it felt like you were getting pussy.

If there was an invention that was like a telescope

and you looked, you trained it on the pussy, and you mash your dick.

Tyson invited her up to his apartment to unwind over a bottle of wine.

She felt uncomfortable as he gazed into her eyes and held her wrist to feel her spirit connection.

Awesome.

They spent two hours together

as he made sexual references to song lyrics and described his need for physical release.

Whoa, that's kind of us, vibes.

Yeah.

So Neil deGrasse was clearly trying to get pussy from her.

Yeah.

And then he made sexual references to song lyrics.

Have you ever heard I'm fat by Weird Al Yankovic?

I often feel that that describes my penis when I'm sexually aroused.

Hell yeah, dude.

Have you experienced that?

Have you ever

fat cock?

Would you ever say that your pussy gets fat when you turn it on?

As would be in the Weird Al Yankovic song, I'm Fat.

Other, no, in fact, I've only ever listened to Weird Owl.

I've never heard any music aside from that.

I spent years playing bass because I thought it was the same as the accordion.

Not so smart out there.

Damn.

So, this was recent that Neil deGrasse was trying to.

So, wait, is he?

Did he?

As she was leaving, he took her by the shoulders and said, I want to hug you so bad right now, but I know that if I do, I'll just want more.

Oh, man.

That's hot.

I'll car drive home the next day.

He's on the fucking Aziz shit, it sounds like.

Yeah, he doesn't know how to get pussy.

He's too much of a nerd.

What happened next?

And he got away, Scott.

I mean, did he do anything or was he just a weirdo?

I think he's just a weirdo.

On the car drive home the next day, Watson said he told her she was too distracting to ever make it as a producer.

She couldn't stand the idea of working with him any longer.

The following day, she reported the incident and her resignation to a line producer, suggested that Watson tell everyone she was leaving due to a family emergency.

So she did.

As she processed what happened over the next few months, her mind often went to the woman who claimed to have been raped, Chia Met.

If you recall from earlier.

Don't say it that way.

The Italian guy.

Don't say it that way in this context.

Yeah, okay.

Watson found her on Instagram.

Sorry, look, my mind is a workhorse.

Just an absolute workhorse.

And you can't, you can't, you couldn't pay me to stop seeing the angles.

Of course, that's true.

In fact, it's literally why I was fired from every minimum wage job I ever had, is because I kept seeing angles and saying them out loud.

Beautiful angles.

In front of customers.

And they refused to see it as angle seeing.

They said it was just explicit, loud rape jokes being shouted across the GameStop in front of families.

Wow, that's so fucked up, dude.

The way they silenced you.

And I shrugged my shoulders and I said, you break it, you buy it.

And they said, What are you talking about?

I'm like, I don't know.

I heard another manager say that.

I'm trying to make a manager.

I'm trying to make manager.

You caught me.

My goal was to get fired as an associate to make room for myself as a manager.

Welcome aboard.

And then I put my hand.

Welcome aboard.

You already shook my hand.

I'll be starting in five minutes.

Now.

And now you're

the boss in your file.

And we're going to take my file and replace it with yours.

So now you're the one who said that you think Laura Croft deserves to get raped for how bad the last Tomb Raider

the latest Tomb Raider is.

That you wish she would get raped in the game.

Oh, God.

Because it would at least give you a reason to play it.

To see her get raped.

yeah fuck dude

watson founder on instagram and sent her a dm hi there i just wanted to reach out to say that i believe you about neil degrasse tyson

on thursday watson allegations are made public on a blog called uh i don't know how to read that word which had previously

published a met's claims twice what do you mean i see i don't remember any of this i just remember that there was some like, uh, oh, this is the one I remember.

Caitlin Aller is an astronomy and physics professor at Bucknell University, who said that Tyson had grabbed her and reached down the front of her dress to look at her tattoo at a scientific

scientific meeting in 2009.

At a meeting up front, yeah.

Well, that's that's what I've

been autistically ripping this woman's clothes off.

Be like, is that a tattoo of the solar system?

Do you want to come back to my apartment and listen to Neil deGrasse Tyson while drinking Martinelli's apple cider?

Sorry, Weird Al Yankovic.

Yeah, he's Neil deGrasse Tyson.

It's three names.

Martinelli's.

I'm trying to get pussy off some Martinelli's.

Yeah.

Do you want to drink Capri's Sun in my apartment and listen to the Jedi Weird Al Yankovic song?

Which one is that?

I don't remember.

Was that American Pie?

Weird Al Jedi.

It was the one.

I'm already looking it up.

Your chance

to know the answer has passed.

I don't even really know the answer.

I'm too cool.

You're not.

I'm not cool.

No, you loved Weird L, Adam.

Me?

Yeah, of course.

Dude, running with someone.

A long, long time ago,

in a galaxy far away,

Nabu was under an attack.

This is what I get pussy to.

You write a girl over the star.

The other guy's

holding a bottle of Martinelli's on his lap.

Fucking stomach coming out of the bottom of the shirt.

He's on his fifth bottle of Martinelli's.

Acting drama.

Acting dramas, dude.

She's with his eyes closed, just jamming out to this while trying to like pawing at some woman next to him.

Calling her Milady.

Yeah, Milady.

She's in you, Jimmy.

Does Milady care for a dance trying to slow down?

I often imagine

if I had the force,

what I would do is I would force my penis into your person.

Now listen to this part, bitch.

We took a bungal from the scene and we went to feed to see the queen.

We all wound up on chat.

This is fucking brutal.

We found

this boy.

Oh my

am I, this here anakin guy.

Just like fat people that got married and then like had their first dance to the song.

So funny.

I mean, chances are

people talk about like homosexuals destroying the institution of marriage.

Yeah.

And it's like, no,

unhod people did that a long time ago.

Like the way it worked is if you were ugly, like some poor, ugly bastard, you married a child and you beat them.

That kind of still has like a biblical feel,

but yeah, just disgusting people

with fucking like with tattoos of like the Moon and Nights from Aqua Teen Hunger Force, yeah, yeah, yeah, 100% dancing to this.

Yep, someday later, now he's just a small fry, and he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye.

Saying, soon I'm gonna be a Jedi.

Oh my god, dude, this is soon I'm gonna be a Jedi.

Did you know this junk odd slave isn't even old enough to shave?

But he can use the force they say.

Good God.

That's really good.

What do you mean, dude?

Weirdo.

He knows real pain in his life.

He's been through some fucked up shit.

I mean, shout out to him for making a career out of just what would be a YouTube channel now.

Oh, yeah.

He worked really hard do you know his parents died very tragically from

a gas gas poisoning and then and then he had a show that night that seems like then you found out that the call came from inside the house what do you mean that he killed his parents i can't confirm that wait did that really happen his parents died very tragically and he still did the show that night because the because the nerds His nerds needed him and he needed to make them happy with his song.

Absolutely.

Now this one, however.

Yo, homeboy, where you been, man?

Hell yeah.

We've been looking for you.

Yeah, we ain't seen you around Burger World lately.

So we heard you have.

Oh,

you know, around.

Want a piece of pizza?

Think I got extra piece around here somewhere.

No, that's okay.

Thanks.

Yo, ding dong, man.

Ding dong.

Ding dong.

Yo.

Okay.

Let's just.

Wow, what if gang beggars?

What if gang beggars

like that?

Yeah, that was perfect.

That was

Adam.

Adam was attempting to ruin it.

Sorry.

Nick said a really good fast forward on YouTube.

Yeah.

I acknowledge it.

I might even call it for the day.

That's it.

I'm not going to top that.

You're going to have to play that piece of fat phobic art

to end it.

Did that offend you?

It did.

I haven't been good at anything.

People are laughing at everybody.

I was pissed.

Because all the popular kids.

That's a fat punk.

I've never been good at anything else.

That was insane, dude.

That was literally.

It could not be more perfect.

That was a perfect fast-forward.

You scrubbed.

Take that, everyone who said I'd never accomplished anything.

Everyone's saying this episode is bad that we listened to an old episode for 20 minutes of it.

Guess what?

How about that fast-forward?

Perfect fast-forward.

They're going to say I edited that.

It was fresh.

Like the moon, I think.

Nope.

No.

I might have to.

I'm feeling so hot off that, I might have to just put on a bathing suit and only wear that for the next six weeks weeks

in my apartment and buy some drugs to have sent here.

Just get hosed off every once in a while outside instead of bathing.

Yeah.

Because you're wearing a bathing suit anyway.

Wearing bathing suit.

You might as well just

get a cold bath going.

What I like to do is

I get the water boiling hot on the stove, dump 12 eggs in there, wait five minutes, and then jump right into my ice bath with all my eggs.

And then I'm just sitting there eating soft.

Slowly, peeling and eating.

Just pulling soft boiled eggs out from under my body in the ice bath and eating them in there.

That's beautiful, man.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

Probably one of the most appetizing ways to bathe.

Fuck yeah.

Can you go on a body positivity

mega thread on Twitter?

Yeah, about how I'm fattish.

You talk about how that song is

needs to be canceled.

I will.

But listen, folks, go to patreon.com slash come town, sign up for the apps.

Come to Funny Moms.

Come see me do stand-up.

Go buy Nick's t-shirts.

Go buy my t-shirts.

And we'll be back.

The tickets for Funny Moms are...

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