Ep. 255 – springtime for hitler

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In all tribal cultures, every village had a sentinel.

Yes.

Now a sentinel is chosen because of a genetic advantage.

A sensory awareness that can be developed beyond normal humans.

Your time spent in Peru has got to be connected with what's happening to you now.

I've got hundreds of documented cases of one or two hyperactive senses, but not one single subject with all five.

You could be the real thing.

Hell yeah.

Welcome to the show.

I've been reviewing Highlander, the TV series, but there's another show I want to review.

I've always connected it with Highlander for some reason.

Who's this guy?

And that show is The Sentinel.

You don't have this much charisma the sentinel was a canadian television show oh it's canadian ran for three and a half seasons three and a half vpn for 65 episodes and shared 113 cast members with highlander whoa

focuses around detective james ellison of the cascade washington police department After a three-day stakeout trying to catch a bomber known as the Switchman, he starts to develop heightened senses, and only an entomology student named Blair knows why.

That is

in all tribal cultures, every village can

let's just do that for an hour, dude.

Yeah, let's just play the Sentinel audio for a pretty good show.

Yeah, we're just, we're just this is now a UPN podcast.

Oh, yeah.

Well, we haven't really talked about it.

Come town, the official UPN podcast.

We're gonna do Santa, we're gonna cover Sentinel.

We should do Ed and Eddie.

I just initiated Stop and Adam to Sentinel.

It's pretty good.

We kind of liked it.

Yeah.

It's not.

I mean, I just watched it.

We've been watching goofy bullshit that's bad.

This was pretty good.

But yeah, no, it's not.

It's the best of Seven Days Viper and Diagnosis.

Diagnosis Murder is so good.

Dude, it's good.

It is.

I love that fucking show.

Diagnosis Murder was the best bad TV show I've ever seen.

Yeah, it's really good.

Yeah.

Because you have a certified star.

You got Dick Van Dyke in the mix.

And then his dickhead

dickhead son, who in real life is also his dickhead son.

Yep.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it's Barry Van Dyke.

I didn't realize.

Yeah, so what happens is we watch Diagnosis Murder.

Adam just stares at the stock market all day long.

No, it doesn't.

So he'll be on his phone scrolling through stocks.

And then me and Stav will make jokes, and then Adam will look up from his phone and repeat the things we had said.

Well, because they came to me, but I wasn't listening.

So it was parallel.

It wasn't parallel thinking.

Or is that my subconscious was you were stealing.

Repeating.

Just steal it.

You see what's stealing.

Yeah.

Yeah, but that's good stuff.

I mean, Sentinel's pretty good stuff.

The main guy's pretty hot.

UBN had a reality show.

People forget that this is...

We're talking about the first couple of seasons of Survivor, right?

We're brand new.

So people didn't really know what direction

reality shows were going to go.

And fucking Fox had their own called Temptation Island.

Of course, I remember that.

I used to jack off to Temptation Island.

Yeah, where people were on an island, they had to not fuck each other.

I think that was the temptation.

And then, of course, they did.

You would just watch people fuck on night vision cameras.

Yeah, they would be blurry.

And like Texas pushes would be blurred.

Yeah.

But I would easily jack off to that camera.

Yeah, that sex.

I counted that.

Because here's the other thing.

That's also the highlight of night vision being horny because of one night in Paris.

Let's not forget.

And then the UPN, they had because UPN had SmackDown at the time, so they had some kind of agreement with WWE.

And their reality show was a show called Manhunt.

Where it was just people on an island, and John Cena went around with a gun.

Wait, really?

Yeah.

I don't remember this.

Did he kill them if he was?

It was a paintball gun, but they had John Cena dressed as an army man.

They would just be hunted by a bodybuilder.

I don't remember that one at all.

I do remember SmackDown coming to UPN.

That was huge.

I also

remember, like I said, the show with Eddie Griffin.

I watched every episode

of Manhunt as they aired, and I remember being excited for the finale to find out who won.

You know.

But you didn't watch SmackDown?

I would watch SmackDown, but I was never really into wrestling.

Right.

I mean, I would just watch everything that was on UPN.

Of course, you were a a UPN guy.

You were a company man.

Yeah.

That was a great fucking channel.

This is John Cena before WWE, too, by the way.

Get the fuck?

What?

Yeah, he was not on.

Wait, he was a game show host.

Was he a rapper, too?

No.

Or his character was like hip-hop.

Wait, why would that be a fucking tie-in with SmackDown then?

Because Manhunt was supposed to feature SmackDown Wrestlers, and then it fell apart.

But that doesn't make any sense that John C.

was just a rant.

And then he got hired by the WWE?

Yeah.

Do you guys ever, do you guys remember when they were at the WWF and it was also the World Wildlife Fund or Foundation?

Yes, yeah.

And then the pandas were like, you can't use the same name as us.

I don't think pandas are.

Yeah, well, the ones that can go to court do.

I mean, I'm doing an impression because a lot of them speak Chinese.

Right.

Yeah.

I want the audience to know what the pandas are saying.

They wouldn't understand it.

Because you have the ability to speak Chinese.

Well, the pandas would be, yes, they would be

speaking

or Cantonese?

Pandanese.

Pandanese.

His internal monologue is Chinese.

It's

Pandanese, yeah.

You perceive the world in Cantonese.

That's what's going on in my head.

Yeah, he's constantly translating.

It's Pandanese.

That's actually.

Got some clicks in the clicks.

Well, it's the most advanced language, it's Pandanese.

Yeah, it's like a combination of various world languages.

It's this beautiful tongue.

The pandas and racist, autistic guys only speak.

What was that?

They tried to start a new language.

Esperanto.

Esperanto, yeah.

William Shatner was into it.

Wait.

What?

Yeah.

Well, they tried to trick black people into speaking it by naming it after a Cadillac.

Yeah.

The Esperanto.

That's the greatest trick.

That was a big thing.

Back in the 70s, they were like, how do we get them to stop talking like that?

They're like, we'll make up a new language and call it El Dorado.

Right.

They're like, what?

Esperanto.

Esperanto.

Esperanto just sounds like Spanish, though.

It sounds like Spanish.

Yeah, it's supposed to be in the middle of all the languages.

Are you fucking serious?

They tried this?

What does it sound like?

It's like we already did that.

It's called English.

Colonialism is the answer.

Yeah.

Just speak English, god dang it.

It's so funny.

English is just

a bunch of people speaking a bunch of different languages in the same place.

And then it just became one fucked up language.

Yeah, I guess there are like native speakers of this bullshit.

Oh, is there?

Are there?

from where

um

the most

i don't know this is this is i love doing the idea of doing like one of those like like did you know research podcasts

just like look at wikipedia yeah isn't there that fucking made up shit

it was intended to be a universal second language there should be different languages depending on what class you're in i feel

like not just accents but full languages yep so once you start making a certain amount of money, you get access to Pandanese.

And everything below that, it's like, what is he saying?

And you're like, don't one go by.

And then a panda just nods at you.

Dude.

That would be so tight to be able to communicate with a panda.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I would love to go down their little slides.

Yeah, just a panda like looking at you and then looking back angrily at me and then saying something.

And then in subtitles, it says, I don't look like him.

And I'm like, what's going on, Nick?

Is the panda happy?

He's a frowning panda upset.

Like, I'm not fat in the panda world.

This is just what pandas.

We're all this size.

I can see that he's a fat human.

The normal size for a panda.

Fuck that panda, dude.

The panda should be fucking

honored to look like me.

The pandas, don't they eat like 24 hours a day?

Yeah.

They're always just fucking munching.

Yeah, all the bad.

And they bust fast.

Do they?

I think so.

They gotta get back to eating.

Is that the problem that they don't fuck that much?

Oh, that's why they're endangered.

You gotta make me a panda, dude.

We need to do a freaky Friday panda body switch.

You fucking.

Make me a panda.

I'll fucking fill up every panda pussy I come across.

Yeah.

That's where the name Panda Express comes from.

A lot of the sauce is just different colored panda cum.

Whoa.

They're using it for sauce instead of.

Well, pandas come so much faster than any other animal.

In Chinese cuisine, this animal cum is a huge ingredient.

Yeah, it's true.

It takes 15 minutes to suck off a dog to get the sauce you need before cooking the dog and then glazing it with its own.

That's one of the biggest delicacies is a dog poached in its own cum.

Yeah, twice-fucked dog.

They call it the Beijing twice-fucked dog.

Yeah.

And, you know, the panda comes so quick.

That's why it's like, you know, we have we paid $10 million to rent the pandas for the National Zoo.

That's true.

But a lot of people think we rented them from some Chinese zoo, and they don't have those there.

We just rented them from

the big cum restaurant.

Yeah.

Good lucky dragon number 64.

Yeah, BJ Changs.

BJ Jangs is a big thing.

That's a big restaurant over there.

Damn, I would love to go to B.J.

Changs.

It's just a Chinese lady with big fake tits that sucks your dick and feeds you egg rolls.

Well, there is a

famous

BJ Changs.

There was that story where they had to close the Rainforest Cafe in Dallas because

they built it next to like near this Asian community, and the families were going in there and trying to suck off the gorilla.

Is that so?

Yeah, they would go suck its dick, and they're like,

Sir, there's not a cab animal, there's no cum in this gorilla's ball.

It's empty.

They would demand refunds.

Yeah, why?

It's empty.

Now, I didn't, see, I didn't realize gorillas were indigenous to China.

Well, they thought they were different types of pandas.

They thought they were American panda.

They were a very strong panda.

Like, kind of like a pit bull versus a bulldog.

Yeah.

Yeah, so they had to close.

That's where the Raiden Forest Cafe went out of business.

Get out of town.

Yeah.

This is in weird Dallas.

That's what they said to those guys, too.

This was in Dallas, you said?

It's up in Dallas, yeah.

They have that many Chinese people in Dallas.

Oh, there's a big community.

There's a big community.

They love the rodeo.

Yeah.

This is all new information to me, to be honest.

Now,

why would you, would somebody assume a gorilla was an American panda?

Well, they don't,

because they don't have to be white.

I would love to go to the rodeo and

like, you know, just like use the bathroom at the rodeo and then come out.

My pants are still down my ankles, and I'm like wiping my ass at the sink.

My penis is out, and people are like, What are you doing?

Sorry, this is my first rodeo.

There you go.

Oh, I'm sorry, bro.

It's my first rodeo.

Yes.

Yeah, Nick really got himself that one, goddamn.

My fault, fellas.

Never been to one of these before.

You have the whole spigot in your ass.

You were using it like a dildo.

You were fucking yourself with the sink.

Sinkish water.

Tossed it in my ass.

Spraying shit all over the water.

All in the mirror.

Sorry, this is my first rodeo.

That would be cool.

That would be really funny to see, honestly.

Yeah, that's that one, that one crucial punchline to build up.

It's beautiful.

I get what you were going for there.

Oh, fuck.

Okay.

I'm ready to do the show.

I'm ready to get back to work.

Look, break time's over, Nick.

You can enjoy that image of you pulling your shitty ass cheeks apart and sliding a faucet in your ass

while a guy from fucking Texas looks on horrified.

Yeah, I've never been to the rodeo before.

Sorry.

Ain't never been to one.

Did you actually go when you were in Austin ever?

Never in Austin.

I used to go to the Cowtown Rodeo in New Jersey as a charge.

Really?

Yeah.

There's Cowtown Rodeo?

Yeah, in South Jersey,

it's cowboy country.

They got a little cowboy area of New Jersey.

No, they don't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like in between Philly and Atlantic City is like the cowboy area.

They wear like cowboy hats?

It's called Cowtown.

It's weird.

Cowtown Rodeo.

Yeah.

That's where I used to have a hat that says Jesus is my boss

that I used to wear all the time.

Yeah, you got it, the Cowtown Rodeo.

And then like Nate Bargatzi did a photo shoot with that hat years later.

I guess he found it separately.

I'm like, well, no, I guess I can't wear that hat anymore.

But great minds.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I lost a bit

in that sort of way.

Yeah, that's true.

Jesus is my motherfucking boss.

Damn, we should go to Cowtown.

I would go.

Yeah.

I would go.

My shit is kicked in.

I'm invincible.

Yeah, I'm going to go down there and meet some rough customers.

If you get fucked in the ass by guys with calluses on their hands,

you can feel that fucking

ranch hands.

And then one of them gets AIDS from you, and it's like New Jersey.

Devastate the community.

New Jersey's buyers club.

Your patient zero.

Yeah, I sent that.

Let me ask you something.

You telling me a regular cowboy is some kind of fag?

They're like, well, we can give you HIV medicine.

He's like, nah, I refuse to take it.

And it's a story about one man that kept saying he wasn't gay in 2021 until he died of AIDS.

No, I'm not taking no pills that a gay guy would take.

Yeah,

I'm I'm just the regular cowboy.

I'm a fucking cowboy.

I'm a cowboy.

Yeah, this place is only two hours and 43 minutes away from here.

That's so far.

That's basically Baltimore.

Yeah.

You know what's even further away?

What is that?

Wait, never mind.

What is that?

I did the math wrong.

I was going to say the tip of your dick from your asshole, but that would make it big.

Yeah,

that's what you were thinking.

It could make it

from the center of his ass.

You're doing math, you fucking idiot.

But in your brain,

how about your dick?

The tip of your dick from the distance.

You know what it is?

From the front of your ass.

The entrance to your ass from the end of your ass.

No, but that's not what you were thinking.

You were actually thinking the distance between my ass and the end of my penis.

Which is.

It is.

No, no, he's right, but it's only because your asshole is three hours deep.

I'm going to contact the guinea.

My dick is

negative 15 minutes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

See that?

That's a horrible way to do it.

See that?

See how that's flipped on public right now in front of all these fans of the show.

Your asshole is

deep.

Your dick is negative 15 minutes.

Minutes long.

That's right.

My dick saves time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it's just exit one off the Jersey Turnpike.

Oh.

Yeah.

Cowtown.

That's not bad.

Cowtown, right by the Delaware Memorial Bridge.

I just saw a dead body next to the Delaware Memorial Bridge.

That's so fucked.

Yeah.

I wonder how dead was it?

I mean, they were loading it into the fucking corners, man.

Damn.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

Someone jumped, you think?

No, they got in a car accident.

Oh, were they sexy?

Fucking disrespectful because

I mean to disrespect the body.

Asking how someone died.

Did you see the corpse's penis?

I did.

It was hanging out of the bag.

Why did they zip it in?

It's stuck on the side of the bag.

That's disrespectful.

They're zipping it up against the dickens.

Oh, classic.

There's something about Mary.

The whole dick and balls are

fucking.

The zipper goes around it.

The fucking dick and balls hanging out.

Oh, God.

The guys down at the morgue probably have a lot of fun with that one.

That was a classic morgue, bitch.

Yeah, this guy down at the rodeo.

It was his first time at the rodeo, and he died.

A fucking kohler sink broke off in his ass and caused internal bleeding.

I'm taking this guy to the morgue.

It's his first time in the rodeo.

Daddy, why is this nicking balls out there?

You'll understand when you're older, son.

There's something about the West that you can't

know what you're in the West.

You're in the West.

Man's man's di the d direction in life is different.

That is such a good visual, dude.

Yeah.

It's really cool.

I'm sorry, Captain.

I don't know how this happened.

We're out of bags.

He's all like pants to the bottom and the top.

It's stuck.

We're out of bags.

We're going to have to transport it like this.

We don't want to unzip it and cause more damage in a murder investigation.

The murderer gets off because they tampered with the penis.

Classic.

I got a penis you can tamper with, Adam.

Why?

What do you mean?

Adam loves tampering.

So it can't be presented as evidence?

No, you're just going to tamper with it.

I don't know.

It has nothing to do with it.

You can tamper with something that's not

in a fucking court.

I only know the court version of that.

That's how my brain works.

Yeah.

I bet I'll tell you what also works is smokable CBD works good

and does it ever really works perfectly.

I love smoking cushy dreams when I go to the rodeo.

Oh, yeah.

And then they think you're some sort of ganja smoking

criminal.

And then you tell them.

Adam, why don't you tell the good folks at home about cushy dreams for a little bit while I

just rest my eyes here for a second?

Nick just rolled his eyes into the back of his head.

We can only see the whites.

That's how I rest my eyes.

Undertaker style?

Yeah.

That was such a

pushy dreams is a line of premium smoking.

That's a sequel.

Undertaker's like

autistic kid angry look.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, dude, how many.

But although, to be fair, that's kind of a chicken or the egg.

I feel like he caused, he is the cause.

He taught those autistic people.

It's the Undertaker.

He's being Norway Typical.

We've never seen this before.

Oh, my God.

He's color-coding all those Legos very fast.

Oh, and here comes

the sensory overlodean.

And he's got pieces of Velcro that he's rubbing on the Undertaker's forearms.

Uh-oh, he's screeching.

The Undertaker's screen.

He's screeching and punching himself in the side of the head.

They call him that because he has to undertake the difficult task of living as a neuroatypical boy

in a world that would consider him a fag even if he was just an eccentral normal guy.

Yes, sure.

Yeah, well, and actually the only thing that caused

the Undertaker's autism, the only thing that

fixed it was smoking

CBD.

Not just any smokable CBD, CBD from our friends at cushydreams.com.

Yeah, with premium buds that are hand-selected by botanists

in California.

They got one of those fucking from Eujack City.

It's one of those warehouses where every bitch has their titties out.

Look picking on us.

That's a picture of this guy running this horse.

What is the picture?

Get a different picture, bro.

What's the picture?

No, you know, let's see it.

Come on, let me see.

He looks like...

The guy looks like...

Oh, my God.

He looks like he's doing a fucking

but getting his dick sun at the same time.

Go to cowtownrodeo.com and take a look at this guy.

Yeah.

Anyway,

so yeah, if you want to cure your autism or if you just want to chill out,

have a nice time, watch the UPN lineup from 2000 on bootleg DVDs.

Yeah, how about you hit up our friends at cushiesdreams.com and you order some of their premium line of smokable CBD.

They got a hustle, chill,

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They got a quit,

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If you smoke that, you'll be fine.

And marijuana has now been legalized in New York State, but it's so now it's more badass actually to be smoked.

Now it's cool.

Before, we're going to be honest, before it was gay, when it was

before it wasn't badass, it was, yeah, now it is.

But I just read this: the Cowtown Rodeo is the most well-known rodeo in the the United States.

Wow.

That's how shitty rodeo is.

It's just...

It's funny.

No, San Antonio, don't they have a better rodeo?

I don't think so.

I think people are confusing rodeo with matadors.

The Spurs...

go on a one-month road trip every year.

I think bullfighting is cruel, but if they did it where it was like one of those autistic kids that puts his arms behind him and runs with his backpack,

and then there's a guy.

Saruto running?

What's that?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that kind of thing.

Like one of those guys going through a towel while he gets stabbed with a little stiletto.

That would be cool to watch.

That would be awesome.

And less cruel.

Woo!

This is the Undertaker.

Brought to you by Cushy Dreams.

Would the rodeo be better if we were killing the retarded?

Not killing the redardyard.

Cushy dreams.

Stabbing.

They don't kill the bulls at the bullfight.

Yes, they do.

No, they don't.

But then what do they do?

Get another bull?

Eat them.

Oh, they do?

No, they let the bulls kill them.

They famously kill them.

No, that's in the Matadors, too.

That's what the fuck Nick is talking about, you fucking dunkadors.

I thought you were talking about the rodeo.

It brought you by Cushy Dreams.

Brought you by Cushy Dreams.

Cushy Dreams.

Anyway.

Sorry, I was looking at pictures of cowboys right now on my phone.

Yeah, you're looking at pictures of cowboys with their hard dicks.

Yeah.

Coming out of their fucking dungarees.

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Nick.

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You know, who knows?

Spain is the gayest country in the world

why why these book these fucking people i know

i know just i mean even like the clothes and then the stance

i mean this is just this is atrocious

uh you know what i like the clothes yeah i would love to wear a fucking bullfighter's outfit but not cause harm to a bull well i guess caught i mean i guess i'd like to eat a steak yeah yeah but bulls wouldn't be tasty why not because they're like too athletic and muscular

Their meat would be tough.

I bet you we eat bulls.

I think you need like a fat lazy

woman.

Cushy Dreams is brought to you by the same people that came up with Bob Evans.

Yes.

Is that so?

Yes.

Cushy Dreams is a...

I'm pretty sure you eat bull and it tastes good.

Can we please just get some read?

You're the only one here trying to stay on.

You're right.

No, bulls are usually not used for meat.

Bulls are usually larger than other cattle.

The only part of a bull that's...

They got a premium, Adam.

Your job was talking about because you just did already.

You were listening.

You were looking at Spanish guys on your phone.

That's true.

You were pulling up your fucking broken

shit.

And then one of the things that I'm talking about.

You're like, it's so tragic how he goes in there and fights him.

And I gave him my love before he's married.

I can't wait to give a little stab to my boyfriend to dress up like a homo and

wave a tiny flag at my big boyfriend.

And when he runs past, I give him a little prick.

Oh, apparently, we eat bulls' ground beef because they're tougher.

Really?

And also, the testicles for shows like Fear Factor and

gross-out kind of reality TV shows.

You got to eat a bull's balls.

Cushy Dreams is brought to you by viewers like you.

That's right.

Ah, shit.

I rarely do this, but I have to piss.

I'm sorry.

That's fine.

That's fine.

That's fine.

While you're gone, we'll just talk about a new website, cushydreams.com.

Cushy Dreams, look.

This stuff, I tell you, it's smokable CBD flour.

And it comes in pre-rolled joints.

It's like eight different types.

They all got dumb names.

I think they do different shit.

That's explained on the website.

They all do different shit.

That's the point.

And they also have nitrogen-sealed tins.

If you're one of these, I got to break my own weed up guy.

I like the pre-rolls because that takes a step out of it that I always thought shouldn't have been my job.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, that should be the damn factory workers.

They should be making the joints for me.

But I've tried oils in the past and it doesn't really do anything for me.

Yeah.

Gummies, CBD gummies, that's a racket.

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You know, I'm going to do it now.

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Okay, nice.

And we're going to tell you about the...

Look, they got a picture of the Brooklyn Bridge.

Wow.

that's pretty good when i think cbd i think the brooklyn bridge yeah which is weird because none of it it's all from like it's all from those like obnoxious

like northern california yeah weed country oh weed country well new york is about to be anybody that's ever been like oh i really gotta go i gotta go see humboldt or whatever it's like just stay there forever don't ever for sure yeah i have no patience none whatsoever for for california but especially northern california that's right.

At least Southern California has the

courtesy of announcing itself as just retarded trash.

Northern California, where they're like, oh, we got coffee shops.

We're intelligent.

So true.

They don't have those in Southern California.

They've got none of that shit.

They do not have a single coffee shop.

They fake ticks.

And they show up here in New York and they're like, I'm just trying to get a fucking burrito, bro, and go surfing.

I'm like pal you're in the fucking wrong place chief yeah I'm like pal I'm just trying to get through this damn rodeo

and obviously I'm struggling

I'm struggling my ass is so dirty I've been too scared to go to the bathroom my pants are soaking wet

and now my socks are soggy too because I can't covered in shit

they're wet I'm all squishy and I'm I'm afraid part of the sink broke off into my ass that's causing internal bleeding my

is up in this body bag and my shoes are all squishy.

I hope I'm going to get it.

I'm trying to learn how to go to the rodeo.

So select your next smoke here with the pre-rolls.

We go to CBD pre-rolls at cushydreams.com.

I do love the half-gram little joints that you have.

Dream pre-roll, 15 bucks.

That's less than I thought.

Those make my dick hard.

Cushy Dreams, if you're listening, please.

They sponsor us, so we get this shit for free.

I haven't gotten a care package in quite some time.

I've been smoking this shit thinking it was like, oh,

this is like $400 each.

I thought I was smoking it.

And it would have been worth every goddamn thing.

I would have spent that.

But $15 is nothing.

Imagine if it was this cheap to smoke a cigarette.

It only costs $15.

That would be it.

I'd be

smokable.

Okay, so smokable hemp CBD pre-rolls, $15, or four interest-free payments of $375.

With Sezil.

This is the best thing.

Here you go.

You can finance fake weed.

If you even thought for one second to do that, do yourself a favor and kill yourself.

Yeah, my credit score is a knife to your fucking jugular.

All right, add the cart.

I'm going to do the payment system because I'm trying to build up credit.

You're trying to build up your credit?

Yeah.

Okay, so the coupon code, let's put it in Cometown and see what happens.

I'm pretty sure it's going to work.

I have a really good feeling.

Come town, apply coupon.

Let's see.

Coupon code applied successfully.

Nice.

Oh, coupon code come town.

It gets you $6 off.

From what?

From the fucking from $30.

So that's 20% off.

20% off.

That's a big, that's a big discount.

That's really nice stuff.

So

go over there, do that.

Use the promo code.

And as always, remember, smoke your CBD.

Because you can.

Because you can.

One of the best,

one of the absolute best mottos any company has ever had.

And if you can't smoke it, then don't smoke it.

If you're one of those voice box guys,

don't do that, man.

You smoked enough.

I'm sick of these fucking voice box guys.

My penis is small.

The doctor had to

try to make my dick bigger by putting a hose down my throat

and blowing it up with a bicycle bomb.

But it just blew the faucet out of my ass, and everyone at the rodeo laughed at me

Your doctor did the operation at the rodeo?

I spent a lot of time at the rodeo.

I thought it was your first rodeo.

I wanted to get it all in.

I made a day of it

Wow, that's so fucking interesting

Dude, I think I'm dying.

I got this headache.

I dialed a wrong number one time and got one of those guys.

Really?

Yeah.

I was like, this is wild.

It's so crazy to sound like that.

So they put a little microphone up to their throat or what?

I don't know.

But there was like another speaker, there was like feedback noises and shit.

It's really scary.

Do you think if they put that?

Is this fucking Alex's house?

Like, are you the you the like his like

his uncle that's visiting?

Yeah, that uh is a robot,

and uh

you know, obviously that was the wrong guy.

I felt bad.

Yeah.

Because no one's calling him.

No.

My family hates talking to me on the phone.

You know what, though?

Probably texting.

That guy's probably really good at texting.

Yeah, he's probably gotten so good at texting.

He's probably really good at sexting.

Oh, he's so good at sexting.

Yeah.

I was going to say, do you think it feels good to put your, if it vibrates, to put your voice box on a clit and talk?

Yeah.

that's a possibility.

Yeah, they sing.

Does this feel good to you, you da da da bitch?

Why did you say dot dot dot?

I don't know how these work.

I was confusing it for Stephen Hawking for a second.

There's it.

I would have loved it.

I wish Stephen Hawking were still alive because you know his chair would exist and like with like Wi-Fi.

It would be like on Wi-Fi, right?

Yeah.

Because because I'd have to update it.

You could have to hack it, update, you could update it, and then Stephen Hawking could be going giving a speech somewhere, and he's rolling his chair up to the podium, and he's like, Good afternoon.

I'm so

this

there seems to be something

has gone a goofy with my computer voice,

but because I am already here, we must continue the program.

I am giving a lecture on getting side pussy from your nurse.

Black holes.

Why do they call them that?

But Stephen Hawking.

Have you ever noticed there are too many coconuts but not enough bananas?

I did not touch that.

I want to be clear.

There is not me.

There is someone, there is a trickster god playing jokes that no, I did not say that either.

Someone is playing a joke, but I think.

The witch doctor has put a curse on my computer.

I'm not saying any of this.

Please unplug me.

Yes, I may be a celebrity and a popular target for pranks, but don't forget I'm also a cripple.

That part was me.

Whoever is doing this, please return the bananas to my heart.

That was not, I did not say that part.

Oh, fuck.

Then he just lets one racist one go just because he's got total cover.

It would be cool, too, like, before

Stephen Hawking, like, he has, like, a big speech or whatever, and he has to go out on stage.

You, like, secretly put, like, a fish hook under one of his sleeves, and then you're in the rafters above the

thing.

And he's on stage talking, and you just take his, like, hand off the chair, and you make it look like he's jacking more.

And he's like, I am not doing that.

That's not me.

Yeah.

And they're like, Stephen Hawking can finally beat off again.

We found the cure.

I bet it.

Sadly, it was yet again another prank.

Just a prank.

Someone playing a prank on Stephen's gay body.

Damn, imagine really wanting to jack off and not being able to.

Oh, my God.

The world of torture.

That's why he had to devote himself to math.

Just because he missed jerking off so much.

Yeah, you can't do that.

They put you in a straitjacket and insane itself and you can't beat off.

Dude.

Because you could call it a gay jacket, because that's what you are if you don't beat off.

Totally.

That's true.

Do you remember the longer you go without being off the gear your thoughts get?

I find.

Did you know anyone that thought it was about?

Did you know anyone that thought it was about?

No.

Oh, because it's a penis in your hand?

I don't know.

You would hear it every once.

You would hear that argument every once in a while, but never from anyone.

Not in good faith.

You maybe as a kid feel that way until you jack off one time.

Yeah, you're like, this is awesome.

And then you're like, this ain't

right.

I'm fucking gay.

I'm gay, but I was...

Oh, I'm gay, but I was thinking about a girl.

Yeah, so how is that gay?

My hand is only the gay part.

I got a gay hand.

My hand is gay, but my dick is so straight.

My dick is straight.

My brain.

Because he was thinking about Takara from

ANTM.

Rick's next top model.

I don't know what that is.

She was a plus.

jacking off.

She's a plus-size model on that show.

I jacked off to her quite a bit.

That's pretty cool.

There's a video, a TikTok I saw of a little kid stealing his grandma's voice box and then using it to auto-tune while he sings.

It's pretty cool.

It's really creative.

And he gets yelled at by his mom or something.

Fucking bitch.

Yeah.

Fuck that bitch.

I feel like you have to be Puerto Rican to have one of those.

A voice box?

Yeah, one of the electric things.

No.

Plenty of white trash people have them.

Do they?

Oh, yeah.

Greektown was.

I don't think I've ever seen anyone with one in real life.

There was somebody on my fucking block that had outside of that one phone call.

Because I can't imagine if I lost my voice box, then I would not speak.

Yeah.

You know.

Yeah, this lady that I'm thinking of was just some fat old lady, like what, old, white trash that smoked still.

And I don't think she talked that much, but she had one.

And then she gave me some pussy.

And there was a Greek guy that had it too.

That kid's incredible.

Wait, that would.

Her voice could do that?

I mean, I think.

Or it's only when you use an actual useful voice.

A useful voice.

No, her voice is differently abled.

Okay, I see.

But that kid's.

Dude, how much does that thing cost?

I want one.

I kind of want one.

Play that again one more time.

It looks so fun.

He's incredible.

I love that kid, dude.

He's very.

When you said little kid, I did not think someone that little.

Yeah, he's little.

He's like six.

He's also more light-skinned than I imagined.

Interesting.

Yeah,

I was picturing a much darker child.

I was actually picturing a white trash kid.

Yeah, interesting.

So, yeah, so that's that.

Let that be a lesson.

Yeah.

I'm trying to get rid of my sort of disdain for the light-skinned community.

Sure.

Sure.

That's one of your big...

Anytime you talk about Nick, he's always talking about how much he hates light-skinned.

It would be funny if there's just like a redneck that's like, don't get me started on them light skin folks.

Just getting all the pussy.

Getting whatever they want with their green eyes.

Speaking of getting pussy, you can do that at

glucue or with

macweldon.com.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you can get pussy from you'll be taking your Mac Weldon underwear off to get pussy when you finally get it by wearing the Mac weldon.

You know, I had a fun thing happen.

You'll finally get pussies from wearing Mac Weldon that you want to keep it on while having sex

and use the hole.

I had a fun thing happen.

I was wearing Mac Weldons and

the part that covered the penis was a darker blue for some reason than the outside part.

And I was, after eating pussy for a while, because I'm a gentleman, I eat pussy first.

With a top hat on.

I had a bib and a top hat.

And a monocle.

And the monocle popped off because once I see the pussy, I'm like, my word, and it pops off.

So it's

cumber bun.

It's all part of your product.

It's all part of heaven.

It's all part of the production.

And

it was finally my turn to get my product.

I am a theatrical when it comes to getting pussy.

This is Stav over here.

Suit.

That's exactly a picture of Porcupig naked other than wearing a jacket.

That's how he's always dressed.

Anyway, my underwear came off, and it was a darker blue than the rest.

That's stopping.

That is me, dude.

I don't care.

He is so good.

Stop ownership.

No, he's not.

Take that back.

He's cool.

Look at that.

I'm a faggot.

That's what he says.

I had a voice and a speech and stop saying that about Porcupig, who I did like as a child for no reason.

Did you?

I did.

I thought he was a nice guy.

Anyway,

I was asked if I had already come in my pants, in my Mac Weldons because it was a dark

shade.

And I said no.

And

she was like, wow.

What?

Now I get even more cock.

That's so funny.

That's right.

The woman just

preparing herself to not look shocked that you came in your pants.

No, she was shocked.

Thank you very much.

She was like, because I made no indication.

My dick was very hard, and I made no indication that I had come in my pants.

This guy's probably going to come in his pants.

No, she said it like what?

She was confused because of how firm my erection was.

It was not the kind, and maybe that had a little something to do with a different sponsor that I won't name right now because they are not paying for anything currently.

Oh, damn, this Yosemite Sam Roadrunner Taz Bugs Daffy Sylvester Tweety Porky Tuxedo vest.

It's awesome.

I'm going to have to order that for my cousin's wedding.

So, anyway, my point is

My cousin's funerals coming up.

Yeah, I need something that shows a little bit of sass, but it's still black and white.

Looney Tunes is tuxedo.

It's formal.

It's my boss's daughter's funeral, man.

Her daughter died of juvenile leukemia.

So she was like Louie Tunes.

It's such a substitute teacher that you just know is going to be tortured the second you see them

wearing that kind of a vest yeah if it's a man for sure if it's a man that's that's what we call it fresh meat so so anyways mac weldon underwear looks like you came in so it'll look like you busted but then and so the girl for a second will be upset but then guess what you didn't bust you have plenty of cock to give her and you've made her night so get mac weldons if you want to pull the the wool over a woman's eyes temporarily it's polo season and the new silver knit polo is available at mac weldon featuring the cotton blend fabric and antimicrobial ionic silver designed to keep you cool and comfortable from the golf course to the backyard cookouts.

So,

you know, it's for every race.

Every race.

I don't think they meant that at all.

Oh, okay.

I think that's just no matter what race you want to.

You don't think Mac Weldon.

I do think, I happen to think all the clothes.

Stop,

stop.

I think that's a little wild of you to claim.

I don't think the copy, that specific copy, was saying that.

I think that's more just a general.

You don't think that that's what that means?

Designed to keep you cool and comfortable.

The two features of each

of different

races.

So,

who's cool?

Black people?

Yes.

White people are comfortable.

Yeah.

Black people are always uncomfortable.

I mean, yeah, in the socioeconomic sense, usually.

All right, so then what's the next part?

From the golf course to the backyard barbecues.

Steph Curry loves to golf.

Am I wrong?

Tiger Woods likes to golf.

The question for the jury is, am I wrong?

The barbecue, what's the.

And everyone likes to barbecue.

The cookout, the cookout.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Anyway, yes, I do think, I think Mac Weldon does want all races to use their products, but I don't think that's what that

of the copy was.

Well, the name Mac is a traditionally black name.

That's true.

My My art teacher, my middle school art teacher was named Mac Daly.

How awesome is that?

It was a good name.

Well, let's go to the next line here.

As Michael Jackson famously said, it doesn't matter if your color is black or white, Mac Weldon clothing is for every race.

Explicitly.

I don't believe that.

Can I see where it says that?

You may have heard famous

porky pig impressionist Stavros

claim that Mac Weldon clothing is only for one race.

I never said that.

Well, I'm not a porky pig impression.

It says, let us be clear.

We're Mac welding and we're gay.

We're gay.

We're gay.

The clothes are for everybody.

You can wear them.

We got underwear.

Bottoms, tops, and accessories.

The accessories, that seems to be masks.

Cock rings.

Cock rings.

A gator, fucking socks and shit like that.

That's pretty cool.

I do wear the underwear.

I like it.

Me too.

I'm a Mac welding guy.

When I open my, well, I'm going to say underwear drawer, but when I say the dumped-out pile of clothes from the laundromat on the floor of my bedroom, and I go through the section I've sort of discriminated all the underwear into,

I will use up all the Mac welding underwear.

I have maybe four pairs, and it takes me about, I'd say, 27 days to go through all four of those pairs.

I have more,

and I like them.

Yeah.

And they make my cock and balls feel nice.

Yep.

Yeah.

What about you, Adam?

I have probably the most out of all of them.

Oh, you don't.

Yep.

And I've paid full price.

I didn't even use the ComeTazz promo code.

Well, we'll use the promo code.

They also have the Mac Weldon Blue.

That's how much I respect them as a company.

The Mac Weldon Blue

loyalty program.

Back the Blue program.

No, no, no.

It's not the Back to the Blue program.

You click on this here.

It says, get retarded with Mac Weldon Blue.

Weldon Blue is our loyalty program full of insider perks, savings, and bragging rights.

You are taking some liberties with this copy.

I'm reading what it says on here.

Is that not what it says?

Get rewarded with Weldon Blue.

Weldon Blue is our loyalty program full of insider perks, savings, and bragging rights.

Yeah.

That's all.

Was I wrong?

Insiders.

Huh?

That's what he said.

Okay.

It sounded like...

Did not hear the man?

He sounded like he said insiders.

Why would he say that?

That doesn't even make sense.

Okay.

To become a member, just

to become a member, just create an account

and make a purchase.

Create an account and make a purchase.

Okay, fine.

I guess fine.

We're going to click get started here.

I'm going to enter my email address.

And then I'm going to sign into the website.

Okay, perfect.

Okay.

I'm not actually going to do that because I got to hold the microphone with one hand and

text with the other.

And

I can only do that while driving.

Or dragging off.

Yeah.

Okay, so where do I let's go ahead and try to buy something and figure out what the so free shipping on orders over $50 and loyalty perks.

Wow, that's awesome.

I figure out what the promo code is by trying.

I like this new method of figuring out the promo code by

buying something.

Alright, so let's go ahead and put the

just add the cart.

The purple smoke flavor.

Shit, I'm about to get those.

Those are cute.

Purple smoke.

Check out.

Check out.

That's pretty sick.

And

full name.

Where the fuck do you put the promo phone in?

You know what?

In fact, I think

you can just go to MacWaldon slash Comtown or some shit.

Let's see, the promo code is so...

It's probably Comtown.

If it's not, it's Comtown 20.

Fucking MacWaldon.

And if you're looking at any of the underwear photographs to see what they look like on a guy, the ass is actually my ass.

Can you see their cocks?

No, but they show their tight cheeks and that's actually my ass your ass is little as fuck no my ass is actually you've got no cakes whatsoever I'm a Mac welding ass model yeah Mac welding from Socks it's the Jens men's genuine essentials brand that believes in smart designs and high quality fabrics MacWeldon shirts is the same shit oh it's it they were in business insider

excuse me yeah business insider come town 20 for your order visit macweldon.com slash come town 20 and enter promo code Cometown20 to receive 20% off your first order.

It's Macweld.com slash Come Town20.

You get 20% off your first order.

Beautiful.

Versatility, technology.

Suck.

Guarantee.

Suck knowledge.

They want you to be comfortable, so if you don't like your first pair

underwear,

you can keep them.

I'm sorry, boy.

And they'll still refine you.

Your first pair of what?

I don't know.

I forget.

I forget what happened.

So let's just not even talk about it.

I like to wear the stealth, the Mac Weldon stealth 8-inch boxer brief,

which has a body mapping technique.

What you like to wear is a little bit more.

It's weird that they do all the sizes

by the dick sizes.

You have to measure your dick.

I get the 8-inch actually

a little snug.

No, you don't.

So

he can fit his and his boyfriend's penis.

Come on, that's unrealistic.

How could you feel comfortable?

How could you walk around wearing one pair of penis?

It's called being in love.

One pair of penis pants.

It's called being in love, player.

Yeah.

I guess you've never been in love, Adam.

I'm constantly in love.

That's true.

I'm falling in love every day.

Me and my wife constantly share clothes

at the same time.

It would be nice to just pretend I'm married and have a wife.

Yeah, just complain about it.

Am I constantly just describing a boring life with some person that doesn't exist?

Yep.

I want that, dude.

And then when people find out, like, people don't even think twice about it, and then they find out that I'm unmarried and I live alone in a UPN apartment

and are like, wow, that is a tragedy.

That's really depressing.

I mean, that's worse than finding out he has a drinking problem.

Oh, yeah.

Without question.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

Maybe it's time I'm going to now I'm going to piss and then when I come back, we're going to talk about Ashley John.

Okay.

Why don't you guys tell the guys about some t-shirts you can buy out of my

come.town?

Sounds good.

You can do the read for my t-shirt

business.

Okay, so while Nick's in the bathroom, you can go to a website come.town

and get some really exciting designed t-shirts.

Oh, yeah.

And you can also go to stavi.biz

and get some other t-shirts.

And then we will be, we've got a couple nice and new designs coming soon.

Also, I uh I'm fucking going on tour and I haven't really announced anything yet, but

shit's coming.

Let me see if I can find some of these dates.

And nothing,

we have committed to bringing back our show.

We're trying to figure out how to bring back funny moms.

Hopefully, it will be soon.

The target date is late May, but we will keep you posted.

Oh, yeah, here's what we're doing.

We really miss doing it.

I'm going to Portland, Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, Comedy Works, Minneapolis,

San Antonio, Cleveland, Phoenix, Madison,

Tampa, Boston, all by this year.

Details coming soon.

If you live in one of those cities, you can go check your comedy clubs.

It's probably just like

Laughs, Helium,

Clarity's, Wise Guys.

I should be on the calendar, but a formal announcement coming soon.

The Veterans of Foreign Wars.

Doing Doing the VFW hauls.

Getting my dick sucked by some old vets.

Damn, dude.

Yeah, so Ashley Judd, Nick wanted to talk about.

What about this?

There's an idea.

Ashley Juggs.

And she's exactly the same, but with fat fucking tits.

No, I just was trying to remember.

I was trying to remember what that clip of her on stage at whatever that event was, where she said the nasty woman thing.

That she is a nasty woman.

Yeah, where she gets to.

Oh, where she she read like a child's poem?

Well, no, Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton a nasty woman, and then Ashley Judd was.

She was.

And then

Ashley Judd was like, I am a nasty woman.

And I was trying to remember the line because I couldn't.

And what popped into my head was Ashley Judd saying,

I am a dumb bitch.

Yeah.

Yep.

Yes, sir.

And that made me laugh.

It made me laugh who.

Yeah.

Laugh, hot.

your wife was like that is that's that's just wrong and your wife was like nick you know i'm still with her and i'm tired of you back talking you know i'm like you know i'm voting for hillary and you're not allowed to vote

because you're a felon yeah

you're not allowed to vote if you want head from me once every two months

Yeah, dude.

That's the schedule I'm on.

Yeah, you're once,

you're once every two months, head.

That would be so horrible, dude.

Boy, I don't want to get top

every two months like you're a prisoner

getting rations.

No thanks.

Uh-huh.

I went to a waffle house recently.

I don't know why I do that.

Every time I'm like, I go there, I'm like, this is hilarious.

It's bad food.

Well, the food itself is like, it's fine.

It's just the place, it's always like...

Sometimes you catch it.

They're like, let's just leave garbage on the tables permanently.

Yeah, everything's sticky.

always there should just just put a sign up that says please bust your own table yeah everyone would do it

except that they like have the the pretense of they're being like full service yeah yeah just admit you're a McDonald's

your breakfast

no what are you talking about when I first went to one

everyone was smoking cigarettes no that's not I thought it was pretty cool you're lying

where was this when was this I think in South Carolina I want to say it's fucked up because it's like it's a full service restaurant they do that so they can pay the waitress less, but then the waitress doesn't do any of the things that a waitress does, which doesn't it like incentivizes people to not tip.

Also, they're not tipping on like a fucking like seven dollar three-dollar breakfast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's like nothing.

But

yeah, I just I d couldn't find the Perkins, which is what I really wanted.

I got something very perky for you.

What, your nipples?

My nips, dude.

I want you to suck my nipples, you fucking bitch.

Dude, honestly, that is a power move to make another man suck your nipples.

Yeah, that's the kind of shit they do in

the movie Chinatown.

That's true.

Yeah, I remember that scene.

Yep.

Where Jack Nicholson.

Or Jay, yeah, John Houston makes Jack Nicholson suck his nipples.

That's a good movie, honestly.

Yeah.

When was the

last time you saw Mr.

Mulray?

Well, maybe you can suck on my nipples and I'd give you an answer.

I don't think so.

Uh

no.

Well, what if I held a gun up to your head?

And would you suck them?

Okay.

The movie Speed, but instead of a bus, it's a

electric cars.

Oh, shit.

Everybody's driving now and the bomb goes off

immediately because

of the wires.

Yep.

Because there's too many electricity wires.

So fucking true.

There's too many fucking wires.

The moral of the story is that we need to move away from electric cars.

From electric cars because there's a lot of stuff like that they didn't even consider.

Yeah, that's fucking true.

Pop quiz hot shot.

You got an electric car.

There's a bomb in it.

It goes off right away because of the wires.

He's got a point.

That's fucking true.

That's true.

Can I see your pussy, Sandra?

Yeah.

I would like to see Sandra Bullock's pussy.

I haven't seen it.

You have?

Yeah.

No.

I have.

From where?

You just go up to her and ask her.

Really?

She'll show it to you.

Yeah.

Yeah, she's actually very

down on her.

Her alive.

Even though Jesse James wrecked that pussy, I still want to take a sneak peek.

No, I don't don't care.

You don't?

I don't think it's wrecked.

Yeah, I was in.

You're right.

He didn't wreck it, but I just don't like the fact that she fucked Jesse James.

I was in my apartment.

I don't blame women for their past.

I don't own her.

Back then.

Yeah, but I can judge her for things that I thought weren't a lot of fun.

When I lived on the upper west side,

I was like dumping a bucket of diarrhea out my window.

They don't plumb in.

Well, it's kind of like an old school New York thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's how they used to do that.

Heirloom plumbing.

Yeah, I dumped a bucket of diarrhea all over Sandra Bullock's head while she was walking down the street, and I was like, oh my god, I'm so sorry.

And she's like, it happens all the time.

Then we got a picture together.

Wow.

She's still covered in your shit.

She's really covered.

That's awesome.

Yeah, dude.

And I was like, wow, check out Miss Congeniality.

Yeah.

It earned that nickname.

Yeah.

Yep.

The real life tickets.

And you're like, can I introduce you to Mr.

Congeniality?

And you have Mr.

Congeniality written on your penis in really, really small font.

Mr.

Mr.

Con

sorry, I ran out of space.

Yeah,

why do you have Mr.

Con written on your dick?

I don't know.

Ice break.

I've been waiting.

I knew you were in the Zabrin.

I've been waiting with this bucket of diarrhea.

Do a meet cute.

Do a meet cute.

Could fit the whole word congeniality.

My mom told me my dick was big.

My mom told me my dick was big.

My mom would tell me that when I was a baby, I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen.

And so I thought it was big as an adult.

And what?

I ran out and she's

dripping, and she's dripping in diarrhea.

And she's like, that

is the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

Jesus starts sucking a little

shit.

Mr.

Con.

Mr.

Con.

Mr.

Con.

The sequel to Miss Congeniality.

Yes.

That's the thing that happened.

What else did you tell her?

Fuck, dude.

Mr.

Gunch.

It's really upside down and all fucked up because you're running it from your vantage point.

Yeah, just extra, just the space in the margins.

Just taking those.

All right.

Okay, now I'm back.

I feel like you had one of those earlier.

I did.

I did.

And it put me and now I'm.

It put me in the zone for a second.

Mr.

Conch got me really nicely, dude.

Yeah.

Okay, anyway.

Well.

So.

That's the kind of stuff that could happen in a

New York minute.

In a New York minute.

This fucking city, man, that's the type of shit that happens every fucking day.

Yeah.

I introduced her to my.

Well, I probably said it on the show before, but I remember when Jesse James cheated on her.

That was like presented into

the news.

It was something that we were like all supposed to be mad about.

Right.

Yeah.

And it's like, what the fuck do I care?

Some like

marital dispute between two cities.

Also, it's fucking Jesse James.

You think that guy's not getting some trashy pussy?

I thought that he was a good guy, honestly.

Wasn't he also like racist or some shit?

Oh, I mean,

I thought he would just at least be good to his us.

I think you're thinking everyone else named Jesse in the world.

That's true.

I think you might be confusing him with every single guy named Jesse.

Every guy named Jesse?

Yeah.

That is a fucking stupid name.

Now I'm remembering every guy known named Jesse.

They're all racist.

They're all pretty funny, too.

They're all funny and they're all racist.

Yeah, I know like a rich, like a fucking guy named Jesse that's like, I think probably become rich racist.

Like, well, it's one of the most standard types of racists, but you know, like, who I think went to, like,

Yale or Princeton or some shit.

he had curly hair it's I just think I could see him being coming a race or maybe was he was he half black

I'm not sure it's humble though to go by Jesse because if you're like if you're like a snob you go by Jesus you know the first Jesse isn't short for Jesus is it that's what I thought

no shut you're you're laughing you're joking no it's

shut the fuck up

I know you're trying to troll me because you're doing that overly serious face it's short for Jesse

give yourself away that's just my face you give yourself away when you're in the face.

What's my not serious face?

You're thinking about something good cool you did, and you kind of have a vacant stare because you're not engaged.

That's your normal face.

Well, I'm thinking about all the guys named Jesse that I've met.

You fucked.

I didn't fuck.

There's thousands of them.

What is just Jesse just the name?

Like, is it short for anything?

It's short for Justin.

Justin.

No.

It's probably one of those ones where it's like, it's like

it's like short for like Thomas.

James.

Yeah, yeah.

Like when people are like, yeah, my name is Dick.

It's short for Richard.

You're like, that makes no sense.

Jesse or Yeshua, Hebrew.

King or God's gift.

Yeshua.

Yeshua.

It's very funny that once upon a time there were Jewish kings.

Is a figure described in the Bible as the father of David?

We was kings, actually.

Yeah, we were all kings.

We was all kings.

And Israel was filled with gold.

And there was a library.

We would chop babies in half.

This was annoying.

Timbok 2 was that.

Actually, Africa was all Jew.

It would be funny if there were like the reverse

black Israelites, the Israel Blackolites.

Did we already do that one?

No, I don't think so.

I think I pitched that as a sketch to something.

It's like Jews that were like, we were the original blacks.

And then just go out in the street.

And then the white death.

You guys are just, boop, we're the real blacks.

The original fresh princes of Bel Air were all Jewish guys.

The first seven princes.

I noticed they say the Timbuktu used to be gold, a golden library.

Sounds like a college and a bank to me.

Yep.

Yes, sir.

Yep.

Where you can find most of us today.

That's right.

Part of the original tribes called Quest.

Yes.

That's right.

And how come I'm always seeing them at the club?

Yeah.

And you're always seeing me at the bank.

I'll tell you what, if you want to see more of

Adam being sexually assaulted, you can check it out at patreon.com slash cometown.

That's right.

And that's a guarantee.

Oh, yeah.

Where we have a second episode every week.

We have a second tab.

We have hell, and you know what?

There's so many in the fucking archives, too.

Yeah, we thought that this show, we thought the show had an audience, but really, it's people listening to the show for about three weeks, and then they cycle out.

Yep.

So we get enough people to come in for three weeks.

And you know what?

It'll be nice.

You'll see.

You'll recognize.

If you get the Patreon and you fucking plow through it for three weeks and then you're done, you're like, Jesus Christ, what have I done with my life?

That's stupid.

That's fine.

Pay for it for one month.

And then go to MacWalden.com and

use promo code GABA Google to get a 10% off

customized Italian underwear

that tells you

that tells...

Damn, I am.

I should have had a couple more Dr.

Peppers

beforehand because my brain

is filled with dog shit.

So is your ass.

Yeah, well, I like to, I like to, I always like shitting when I go out.

I like to try out bathrooms, and sometimes I don't have to.

So I stuff my ass with dog shit that I thought you're always locked and loaded.

On the way to a date, that's one of my big date tips.

Is when you go out with a woman, as soon as she takes you back to her place, you want to excuse yourself to take a long, loud shit in her bathroom.

Because if you come out and she's still down, that's how you know.

She's the one.

That's the one woman to have sex with.

When I'm on a date, I like checking them to see if they're wearing a wire.

Yeah, I'm like, sorry, I have to finger you to make sure I'm not.

Sorry, I got to feel your body to make sure that you're not going to be able to

do it because I'm actually a criminal.

I like to go through a woman's pubic hair with one of those inspection probes they use to check children for lice.

That's my move.

Make sure she's clean.

Like she's at Ellis Island or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I go through a woman's pubes with chopsticks.

Yep.

And

then I say, okay,

I've already covered my past.

Like, I have to go now.

I just remembered

I have something to do.

I'm wearing MacWold none.

I use the chopsticks.

Dude, coming in your pants is so goddamn funny.

I will never not be.

I'm not even coming in my pants.

I don't think I've ever done it.

Nobody's done it.

You got to be like fucking.

I think I've had some friends when we were young.

I've known a few people who've come in the pants.

My friend Alice comes in his pants.

It'd be funny to come in your pants at like dinner.

No, we're like making out with a girl and you're just at Benny Hana, and you.

Yeah, that is hilarious.

That would be funny.

She's like, you want to come back to my place afterwards?

And you're like, huh?

You're like,

no.

And then just some guy pops a fucking shrimp tempura in your mouth from across the room.

That would be awesome.

Yeah, it would be awesome.

That restaurant is so cool.

I've never been in my life.

What?

It's really cool.

Have there been a Benny Hanna?

I used to think it was like fancy.

Like, I'm going to grow up and be a business owner.

It's a little fancy.

It's not fancy for me.

I used to think that's where

Jewish kings are.

The Jewish kings.

King Jesse, the Jew.

King's Solomon.

I'm going to just see going.

P.F.

Changs, Benny Hanna's.

King on Salomon.

Rotating.

King on Salem.

That'll do it, folks.

Yes.

What are the other Jewish kings, Adam?

David.

Okay, that one's already pretty Jewish, so I think go to the next one.

I just know Solomon and David.

I don't know.

I can't think of any others.

Yeshiva.

Yeshiva.

King Yeshiva.

King Pincha.

Yeshivant 5% offer order.

Yeshivant's

discount.

Or the Jewish kings.

Let's see.

Jewish king list.

Come on, pull it up.

Jehoash.

Jehoash.

Jehoash.

I should put the N-word on the end of that one.

Jehoash.

What you looking at, and then that word, and then the N-word.

Yep, very good.

Amazia.

Amazia, the how small your dick is.

Yes.

Yeah, that's good.

Jotham.

Yeah, I'm going to kill Jotham and then the N-word again.

Yeah, okay.

But plural.

Jotham.

Jotham.

Yep, okay.

This has moved away from a bit where it's

let's try and work this into banks or coupons and now Rehoboam.

He goes from Rehoboam.

Yeah, and that's just a follow-up to the last statement.

Yeah.

Rehoboam, yeah.

Where else?

J-hu?

J-hu.

J-E-H-U.

It just sounds like a toothless guy who owns a barbecue restaurant in Houston just trying to speak a sentence about revenge that he's going to get

one more name, Adam.

Ahazia.

Ahazia.

Damn.

Maybe the black Israelites are right.

I don't even know what these names are.

How can you hear those names and not be like

these were black men?

I mean, they were black men.

Jotham and Ahaziah for sure.

Jothoboam.

Nadab.

Nadab.

Nadab sounds like the first first name of a quarterback for LSU.

The next one's like that boy.

Nadab Williams.

That boy.

Derry Golden.

Jefferson.

Basha.

Basha.

That sounds a little too close to home.

I don't know where.

You.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, Black Dasha.

And Black Dasha, yeah.

She's like, sorry, I'm late.

That's true.

The Black Scare podcast.

That's pretty good.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, I think

now that

Black Anna is just like, have you ever read The Late Psychiatrist?

Oh, that's good.

Yeah.

Thank you.

And everyone's like, Black Anna's late.

And they're like, yeah, we know.

They're like, no, I mean, she's having a baby.

Oh, okay.

She's late on her period.

Yeah.

Congratulations.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Late.

That's good.

Why don't you pull up the Red Scare podcast and we'll go through their episode titles?

I don't think we'll do that.

We'll do the black version.

Yeah, we'll do

that.

I think we're good on that.

You had that Adam Lecurtis on recently?

Adam Lecurtis.

Manasseh.

Manasseh.

Manasseh.

Manasseh.

That's good.

Sephard Gorn Cleghorn, Jewish King.

Jehoekim, Kim, Jehoi Kim.

Joaquim.

Oh, Joaquim.

Joaquim Phoenix.

Yeah, Jehoi Kim.

All right, man.

Fuck Jews.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

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