Ep. 254 – Jounry to the center of my ass
starring dwayne “me off” johnson
Listen and follow along
Transcript
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You just can't hear yourself enough.
Shut the fuck up.
What are you talking about?
Is that good?
Not really.
How about that?
That's interesting.
Maybe you were right, Adam.
I was right.
Which headphones do you want?
But I think your headphones are...
Try that.
Okay.
Yeah, you good?
Now we're good.
Now I would say it's a little too loud.
Is this you?
Yeah.
So can you...
Is it quiet now?
It is quiet.
And there you go.
That's good, right?
That's, yeah, that's good.
Right there?
Pinch up.
Right there?
That's good.
Perfect.
I'm too loud.
Yeah, you know what, Adam?
That was fine.
You just needed to fucking
check with the fucking knockout.
No, I can't hear anything.
No, you're fucking lying.
I swear.
I turned him down.
Oh, okay.
I got him.
Check, check.
Shut up, dude.
Don't say anything.
Okay, I can hold now.
I can hear now.
All right.
Okay.
Okay.
You're so selfish.
I'm not being selfish.
Yeah, dude.
I'm going to have to sit on the box this episode.
I appreciate you giving me some time away from the box.
I'm going to get some chairs in here.
Since we decided we're not.
For a while, we were planning on getting a studio.
We had all these plans.
Talked to electricians and stuff.
Yeah, but none of us wanted to literally do anything.
But most of the conversations with the electricians, it was like, so you guys are in the union, right?
Yeah.
You think it's, you're like, you want health care, but you think saying slurs is cool.
And you think anybody that's like woke is a fag.
And then
they're like, what are you talking about?
Like, so do you want us to wire the thing?
Yeah.
They're like,
you said it was a podcast studio.
And now you're holding a gun to my head.
Saying that we need to be
what you refer to as your communist priest.
That's right.
As your
Marxism fucking
holy father.
Yeah.
Yep.
I love communism, dude.
It's so cool, dude.
That's the thing that bet my favorite part
about being being an online leftist is how cool it makes me feel.
Definitely not something that was missing in my life as a 36-year-old
found themselves culturally bottom-up.
I'm not replacing a bowling league with pretending to be a communist, that's for sure.
No, I'm replacing liking, vocally loving Rick and Morty.
That is so much less inoffensive at this point.
And then also denying that I was a Rick and Morty fan.
Yeah, which is a big thing.
By the way, Rick and Morty, seasons one and two were fucking good.
It's a good show.
My move is
somehow memory holding the fact that I was a guy that would quote the Dan Harmon podcast
in
real-life conversations.
That's a wild-ass move.
I don't know too much about Dan Harmon.
I used to watch community.
Now I'm a dialectical.
Now I'm a dialectical savage.
I was saying, and I expressed this to you fellas earlier, that it is funny that, you know, because it is weird, this thing where,
like, people that are just boring hipsters are now pretending to be intellectuals, like, not even just know what they're talking about, everybody pretends to know what they're talking about.
Yeah, that there's a there's a there's a space in between
being a guy that pretends to know what they're talking about and then being someone who announces themselves as reading theory.
Yeah, that is and that is my favorite part: is everyone pretending they're reading through shut up, yeah.
You can believe the right things and be a only theory I read is called the game, and it's the game by meat chicks, yep, yes, But anyways, just like, you know, thinking like, man, these people should go back to just
not go back, but like,
I don't even know how to set it up, the joke idea, but just that, yeah, they're just, they're still appropriating black culture, but now they're stealing big words from middle-aged black guys.
They're stealing Kangle hat, Bluetooth culture.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Absolutely.
I'm trying to philosophize.
Yeah.
They're stealing, they're stealing, holding you hostage at the barbecue just while he got you cornered.
They're telling me to think about theoretically.
These are too damn dialectical.
If you read all those guys' tweets while tapping your temple,
then it starts making sense.
Think of it with a Koofi on.
Those people are saying that shit with a Koofi on, and it's pretty fucking awesome.
Yeah.
They have a beaded necklace with
Africa.
But a beaded off necklace.
A beaded off necklace.
That would be tight.
I got a a necklace for you right here.
What is it?
It's a pearl necklace.
You don't have enough cumbersome in your life, Adam.
Don't you do not.
Okay,
falsehoods and misinformation, but here's how much Adam reaches climax and his dick goes
like it's going to tell us.
Whispers gossip to a pussy.
Okay.
Yeah.
Lisps.
I've got some tea.
I just found out that Anthony Hopkins' second nephew is a huge fan of mine.
It's amazing.
It's fucking crazy.
Dude,
the guy that cuts Catherine Zida Jones's hair, apparently his neighbor used to work with a guy
who was in the hospital.
with a guy who has a brother-in-law.
That guy's kid went to preschool with, one of the guys he went to preschool with is actually a big fan of ours.
Wow, that's crazy.
Isn't that amazing?
That's just crazy just seeing how fast we've grown.
Yep.
No, I'm with you, dude.
You know, in this, in this
artwork that we've created, that we've painted over five years.
Yeah.
Yeah, I bet that guy not only has he thinks the show is...
Not only has he done more than heard it once or twice or sort of knows what it is, he respects us.
He respects us.
He respects us.
He could pick us out of a lineup.
And he thinks it's good.
As geniuses.
If I could change one life, then I feel like I've had a life worth.
If I could change the world,
I would make you shut up and go to jail for saying things.
I would make you suck my dick and smile while you do it.
I'd put a gun to your head and make you suck my dick.
I would make you wear a dress and fuck your dick.
I guess I don't really have to change the world to do that.
I guess I'm about to change.
I guess you're about to get a world change, bitch.
I'm about to change the world.
Surprise I got a girl.
Putting on some lipstick.
Put the dress on.
And now suck my dick.
If I could push you in the back of my van.
Drive you somewhere remote where no one will find you.
Make you suck, my dick, and then when it's over, kill you.
Make you suck, dick, to save your life.
And in the end...
Your final thought is, oh, damn, I did some gay shit for nothing.
And taking you all the way out there, and I'm immediately arrested because who else would do that to Adam?
Except the the people who know him best.
My entire defense of trial would rest on that it's what you wanted.
You taught doing what you love, and I'd make your family testify.
I'd make them admit that it's what you want.
Or they wouldn't get any of the Patreon.
There you go.
I've made a secret backdrop deal with your favorite.
And as a final disrespect, I've paid them off to say
that you wanted to be forced to suck naked gunpoint and then murdered in a dress out in the woods.
That would feel like a massive betrayal.
Just looking up.
Did that happen?
Looking up from fucking Jewish heaven and being like, what the hell, my family?
And then no surprise.
Double cross, they don't get the money.
Your dad is suddenly blindfolded and guess what happened?
The blindfold comes off and we're back in a
familiar tableau of the woods.
Well, he walked into that one.
I think it is.
There's a dress that he remembers from when the evidence was presented as photos.
But this dress is a different size.
It fits him like a glove.
Then I'll rape and kill you because of people too.
And you're backsyco.
Your father says you're just going to kill me after I suck your dude.
You did it to my son while he's at the trough.
And I say, can you be sure of that?
And cock the gun.
Something deep inside his brain takes over.
And before he knows it, he's thrown deep on it.
My balls are resting on his chin.
The tears are streaming down his legs.
He's soaking tight.
The hot load makes its way down as his side for the guns.
And then the gun is pressed to his head.
He knows he's about to die.
He knows he's about to die.
Man, that song is weird.
Yeah, that's a weird song.
And I'm back on trial.
Guess who's done more bribes?
I've done my perfect crime of bribing family members to say there was a family of people that wanted to be
forced to suck David Dumpor.
There was a family tradition.
You can get a lot out of Eric Clapton.
Yeah.
Especially that song.
I would do an entire show that's just the song.
That is a great one of the taking breaks just to do ad reads, and then it's right back to
an elaborate criminal empire of raping people at gunpoint.
I don't know if it's a criminal empire.
Can you make a lot of money raping?
It will be explained by the time we get to the 18th verse.
I'll just have to trust the process.
So it would be like some sort of life insurance scam.
Oh, that's true.
You keep signing up people up for life insurance and then raping them at gunpoint and killing them.
Yeah, and
you take out extra on like rape, murder.
You give yourself power of attorney, right?
Is life insurance like prop bets where it's like you can bet on the way you're going to die and like see if you like if it's lightning strike, can you get double insured for that?
Well, I think that you can not get life insurance for certain types of death.
Like, I'm not sure you can get it for suicide.
I mean,
I don't know what I'm doing.
That just feels like you couldn't.
Yeah, it feels like that's cheating, right?
It does feel like cheating.
Yeah.
There'd be plenty of people that would be better off taking in a nice policy and then having a fucking nice lead omelette for a fucking dinner.
That's right.
If you're thinking about killing yourself, audience, maybe frame it and look like an accident so your family can make a little bit of cache on the back end.
Absolutely right.
That's smart.
Nick's not.
Let's get a little juice, dude.
I got to walk after this.
Is Nancy Grace still doing her thing?
Here, suck it from under the table.
Oh, yeah, that feels good.
What are you talking about?
No, I'm not sucking it.
Tell the audience what he's doing.
I'm sucking Nick from the back.
How am I doing?
You're sucking him from the back.
I was going to say.
I was going to say how, but even if I was, I could easily easily talk because Nick's dick is so small.
But I'm not doing it.
Them fat girls really know how to suck.
Not a girl.
And he's fat.
I'm a guy, and I'm talking.
So, you know what?
Yeah, I am sucking your dick, but I'm talking so effortlessly because your dick is so small.
I wouldn't.
I don't even realize I'm sucking your face.
I wouldn't put it past me.
It's like.
I'm not that good.
I'm not that good that I can do both.
That's not what's happening.
It's not that you're so good.
It's that my dick is the perfect shape.
It's not, not at all.
It's so small, it's getting caught in between my teeth.
It's not even Smith's.
It's beyond.
It's like a fucking popcorn skin.
It's transcendent.
It's one of those popcorn skin kernels.
It exists in the fifth dimension.
No.
Where it's in your mouth and it's blowing your mind.
No, it's not.
You're communicating.
How is that the fifth dimension?
You're communicating telepathically.
What is the fifth dimension?
It's like when
you're thinking you're speaking right now, but you're really just communicating with the universe in a way that everyone knows your thoughts because your mind has transcended the human plane because you're enjoying sucking my dicks.
That's not what it is.
It's like when avatar people connect with you.
That's not what a dimension is at all.
Who knows more about dimensions?
I don't know.
It's a tie.
It's a tie at zero.
A guy whose entire body is a single plane.
That's not.
That wraps around itself.
That's not what I am in 3D in.
Because you have
so much gravity at the center.
I'm not 2D.
Yes.
Or 1D or whatever the fuck.
And you know what?
We both know zero about dimensions.
One inch.
No.
One D inch.
One inch of D.
No.
I have much more than one inch of D.
Thank you very much.
I'm in 3.5.
I'm easily in the fucking five to six range.
Damn.
I'm going to keep it there.
You just got knocked all over the ropes on that last six.
No, I did.
Not at all.
Just the various types of truth scenarios.
There was no truth said.
There are different dialectical styles.
In fact, you had Marxist scenarios.
You had to hit the turbo button because I said your dick was so small I could talk while sucking it.
Thank you very much.
And the turbo button indicates indicates
if you actually read
fucking
Ingalls.
Yeah, that's right, bitch.
Ingalls.
Joe Ingalls from the Utah Jazz.
Yeah, sure.
That's the only guy.
That's the only Ingalls I give a fuck about.
You would know that you were enjoying sucking my dick so much that it blew your mind into another dimension that can communicate with the universe telepathically.
That's not how dimensions work for the last time.
Oh, yeah?
What does Joe Biden have?
What do you mean?
What does he have?
He a dementia.
And what can he not do because of it?
Nothing.
He's not limited.
What is it?
He's the first member.
He can't speak.
Yeah, he can't speak.
So dementia makes you able to communicate.
If he just couldn't speak alone, then he would never become a president.
Yeah, you're saying he can.
Yeah,
you have to communicate with the American people through
dementia.
Have you heard?
Dementia puts you into dementia.
Has he communicated with you telepathically?
And he communicated with the American people through non-literal communication, and that's what resonated is the idea.
Joe, you can't see it because it's happening on an astral plane.
But Joe Biden is sucking Barack Obama's cock, and he's enjoying it so much that it's blowing his mind into a demented state that allows him to communicate with the American people in the same way that you can communicate.
I was with you until that last moment.
They can hear you on the show while you're sucking me off.
I'm not sucking you off.
And you you love it.
I don't love it.
And you're like, oh, I hope this meets my diet.
I'm on my diet.
Am I sucking a guy's cock right now?
His penis is in your mouth.
Your eyes have rolled back to me.
How dare you betray me?
You just have your eyes are white and your brain is glowing.
I am not.
Your brain is glowing.
I'm looking at both of you.
And my dick is so big, we can see you getting fatter off of it.
You at least have to say his dick is small.
Say I'm sucking it, but you at least have to say he's small.
You can get us both.
But Nick is cross-legged and levitating.
What about me?
You?
No, you're on the box.
I'm on the box.
Wow.
This is the last time.
This is the last time I offer to take the corner.
Welcome to the rules of the box, bud.
This is the last time I offer to take a look at it.
You want to play?
You can't take the fucking cockside.
You better get out of the damn kitchen.
How dare you, fucking.
I do you a kindness of getting out of the box.
You want to know something crazy?
Adam isn't even here.
You're just hallucinating him because you're enjoying sucking my dick so much.
I'm not even here.
i'm an astral prisoner adams in israel yeah
adams ran away with the show money and i want to keep it going anyway so i've been convinced you that we're still getting paid yeah and meanwhile you've just been sucking my cock for years how long uh
most of your life actually yeah it's like in the matrix you're in a pod i have to unstuck your cock from the back of the you're in a pod sucking my cock with the back of my head holding it and you're hallucinating the entirety of your reality because you're enjoying sucking my dick so much.
This is fucking bullshit.
And I don't really believe it, actually.
So fuck you guys.
And then the agents are after.
Agent Ian.
Yeah.
And exactly.
I'm trying to trick people into being gay for real.
Can you imagine Ian cast as one of the agents in the Matrix?
Him trying to be serious.
But then the rest of the agents are still those other guys.
It's just one guy.
Ian with sunglasses on and ska tattooing.
Curly like fucking mullet.
Yeah.
That would be awesome.
This clown mullet.
Yeah, just to tapping his ear being like there's a breach into security
yeah trying to fucking one of the programs is messed up we can't let him get to a payphone
so that they could go back to zion
we gotta get the code's design
oh fuck dude that would be a great cast that would be pretty cool.
That would be awesome.
Damn.
Should we get a Dreamcast?
Yeah.
Fucking crazy taxi.
We should get Dreamcast to play during the show.
Yeah.
We should.
Yeah.
Dude,
Adam, you weren't here.
Me and Nick were talking
the next fucking
getaway, Podcasters Getaway.
Oh, yeah.
Eastern Shore, Maryland, or Western Shore, maybe.
Who knows?
I was thinking Miami, Florida, but that sounds even better.
Nah, dude.
We got to go back to our roots.
We got to have bows, or I guess, you know, we got to drink drink bows.
We got to have crabs.
You know, Bay Day.
We should just rent the boat.
Fuck yeah, dude.
Do a podcast on the boat.
That would be so sick.
And we can say whatever.
Now you're speaking about
whatever we want because of international waters.
Well, section 230 just got struck down.
I don't know what that means for the show.
What is that?
I don't know.
Some gay.
Somebody silences us, dude.
Yeah, we're going to be, we're going to be.
It'd be tight if everyone got silenced.
Yeah.
You know, because it used to be like you'd think like, oh, well,
you know, people shouldn't, like, like this whole kind of
hostile attitude towards speech or whatever.
You know, oh, well, wouldn't it be nice if some of the people doing it got a taste of their own medicine?
And that doesn't really
matter.
They just cannibalize themselves.
Yeah.
And other ones pop up.
But if it were like...
Now it's sort of like
are you in or are you out sort of shit or get off the pot thing?
And it's like, well, if we're not going to have it full stop, then we might as well just have you go to jail for saying shit.
Yeah.
Because that would be fun.
If it was just strict rules.
But we would go to jail.
You should get it like
everything should be grandfathered in.
Oh, so we're good.
Well, starting next week, they would be like, all right, you're only allowed maybe once a week.
You have to pick one race that you can do the voice of.
And we have to register with like the Office of Being Race.
You work like anything else in New York.
Yeah.
So much.
Oh, I wouldn't want to be the boss of voices.
Yeah.
Just
the New York City public authority of racist impressions.
You'd be the guy from Suck Cock.
Me and a bunch of Irish guys in the...
Suck Cockamini Hall.
Yeah.
That's where you'd be.
That's where you'd be the boss.
Yeah.
I guess you're...
It's still in one of your fever dreams.
Oh, no.
Adam, you can admit he would be the boss of Suck Cockmany Hall.
I can't admit that.
You think, all right, we can build with that.
That's step one, dude.
Adam would be the boss of Tiny Balls.
No, come on.
You do have tiny balls.
I have to admit.
See, Nick got me small.
Because of the long scrotum.
Nick knew how to come back with one of my pet projects.
Which is saying that your balls are small.
I chose to agree with Slob, and this is how you treat me, Nick.
And this is why I would be a perfect boss of Tammany Hall.
I thought I was
understanding the line.
That was expert, too.
That was like I, Claudius.
I would have been with you on anything but how little your balls are, which is one of our most ancient disagreements.
The Power Joker.
The Power Joker.
The Power Joker is brought to you by Blue Chew.com.
All right.
If you like sex, you'll love having sex while reading Blue Chew.com.
Yep.
Bluechew.com is a website.
It's not the name of the medicine.
That's right.
But it's a website that sells chewable
tablets.
Tablets.
They're not called chews.
They're not called Blue Chews.
They got in a lot of trouble for saying that they were pills.
Because I guess the thing is, if you want to sell any kind of drug in America, there's this little organization called the NAACP
that's got to stick their nose in.
I think that's the one.
Oh, which one?
I think you're thinking, I don't know, FDA?
No, I think it's the NAACP.
I think it's NAACP.
Oh, yeah, it's the NFDA.
that's right.
I don't, I'm not familiar with that one, but either way, FNA.
What are you talking about?
N NFTs?
F D N Y.
Yeah.
Yeah, now we're back.
Yeah.
I have a question for the F D N Y.
What does the D and the Y stand for?
Is it a downhall?
My question.
Department of War.
We know what you try.
Stop trying to get us to say it.
My question is for the FDNY.
What are the letters D and Y stand for?
The other two, I'm pretty sure I can.
I got a handle on those two.
I can fill in the blanks on that.
Blue Chew.com.
Back to Blue.
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And Blue Chew.com is a website.
Yes.
Not a pill.
Not a pill.
And
I've never taken Blue Chews.
I've taken, I have had some Blue Chew.com chewable tablets.
Yes.
And they, and I will say this: they've made my cock rock hard.
Yes.
When you have one.
Right.
And I like them because
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Viagra and Seattle.
So if you're in the flavor, it's fantastic.
Then they have these.
Here's what you got to do.
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Instead of having us try to
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Come on, pull up your phone, pull out your phone, pull up your computer, whatever.
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In fact,
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Right there, brother.
Wow.
Yeah, so I'm going to click on that.
That's awesome.
And then buy 500,000 blue chews.
Is sex with chewable tablets right for you?
Oh, well, I didn't know you were supposed to have sex with the tablets.
You rub your ball.
That's what it says.
Is sex with chewable tablets right for you?
Are you trying to fuck chewable tablets?
Yeah, just a little heads up for whoever Blue Chew, put that one in there.
You're fired.
A lot of people don't know this, but I actually.
I think has a stake in the company.
I own the company.
A controlling stake in the the company.
It works sort of like the Marlborough points, where if you...
Yeah, the guy with the softest dick gets to be the CEO.
If you take a million Bluetooth
tablets,
you can buy the company.
I started off, I got all the Bluetooth koozies
and then the helicopter.
Yeah, the generator.
And I'm the boss of the company.
So whoever wrote
is sex with chewable tablets right for you.
Clean out your fucking dick.
Discuss
salenophil
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Yeah.
And they have, of course, different membership options for the amount of pills you get every month.
I'm on the Blue Chew Pro plan,
which is 34 tablets a month.
I got the 90 tablet a month plan.
Get the fuck.
Is that a, I mean, I guess that makes sense.
It's a premium secret
secret sponsors.
Yeah.
If you sign a, I just sent them.
You can chew one once a week.
I had my attorney send them a signed affidavit that says that I absolved them of any legal responsibility.
However, I will accuse them publicly of raping me if they don't give me
way more pills than you can.
And you had your attorney just kind of...
Your attorney kind of rubber stamped that one.
Dude, how the hell did your attorney pull that one off?
You got one of the best guys in the business.
He's good.
He's a real pro.
He's a good guy.
And so they sent me the 90 pill a month plan.
That's awesome.
I want to say I'm on 14 or something.
This guy in the fucking picture, he's got the black.
Mine don't come in the black shit.
Did you get those?
The little black?
I believe those are the.
I think we're both.
Tadalafil guys.
I do the Tadalafil.
And I think the black one is the San Diego.
I like it because it sounds magical.
Were you a Sedanophil guy, Adam?
I like the one that is Cialis.
Yeah, we're all Cialis guy.
We're all Sedana La Fort.
I only
the newer one.
Sealis is the one that hit the market like 10 years later.
Exactly.
They had the better commercials.
Yeah.
Viagra is now forever tainted as being like
for old people.
I'm not old, dude.
I'm young.
I'm cool.
I'm not secretly gay.
I'm a super hit.
I don't need any communist that has
always been a theory guy.
Certainly not in the last four months when I realized everything that I've ever liked is now fucking embarrassing.
Like Rick and Morty and Harry Potter.
We just need to bring that stuff back so those guys will stop.
And this communism thing I'm doing will definitely last.
I guarantee you.
Check in in two years.
In five years, I'm definitely going to be tweeting all day, every day, about communism.
Instead of what's cool in five years from now, which is
the return of
Viagra, getting your dickhead.
Generic.
It's active ingredients.
Sidenophil.
And sadalophil.
And sadalophil.
Hard time taking pills?
Up to 40% of Americans agree.
Oh, that's why you can't say pills because people
they associate pills with swallowing.
That's why you got to say chewable tablets.
You got to get chewable tablets so that you can get swallowed.
So whatever retarded home is like, I can't take pills.
Beep, beep, skip, delete episode.
I can't hear this.
I can't hear the ball.
You know, I I have people in my family
very close to me that don't like pills.
Yeah.
That do liquid medicines or crush them up into
like.
Some of the other animals live in his cage.
They have to blend the medicines into
the slot.
So, okay, let me ask you something.
You're getting your dick sucked by an animal?
Then you've admitted to bestiality.
Check mate.
You said other animals, which means that I'm an animal.
In your little twisted logic.
Other animals as you can see.
Thank you, Adam.
No, there's another.
There's no other explanation.
There's another animal here that I already acknowledged before we started the show.
No, you didn't.
And that one does not live in your case.
No, nice try.
You're on real thin ice with Adam.
I don't care that your lawyer is the best in the business.
You've never been on thin ice.
You're not going to be able to.
Yes, I have.
You've never survived it.
Fat ice.
You've survived thin ice.
I've survived thin ice because I am not that fat.
And solid oral dose.
At least not as fat as Nick makes me out to be.
And Bluechew.com.
Here we go.
Let's just run through some of the check marks on their website.
All right.
I love that.
You've heard of Blue Checks on Twitter.
Check out Blue Checks on Blue Chew.
Blue Chew.com.
100% U.S.
licensed medical providers.
Check.
Prescription consultation for Sudenophil or the Dalafil.
Check.
Triple double check.
Professional ED-focused medical support.
Oh, you better believe that's a check.
That is a check.
No waiting rooms, no appointments.
Check that one.
30-slash-45 milligram sedenophil or 6 or 9 milligram Tadalafil chewable tablets.
Oh, we got 9?
Shit, I might have to upgrade, get my dick extra hard.
That's why I'm on the three-plan, dude.
I've been taking 18.
Respect.
18.
You're just like, you can't see.
You have blinding headaches constantly, but your dick is at full mass.
Throbbing.
Long way to the top if you want to rock and roll.
Getty Lee.
Famous slash word it's a long way to the top if you want to if you want to get your dick hard if your dick must get hard so we got three plants here the active it's only twenty dollars a month you get 30 milligrams or 45 milligrams for thirty dollars a month wow you get six
six pills a month which i guess that's if you're like basically an incel and you never have sex don't get pussy at all here we go busy only thirty dollars it's ten a month nice ten or ten pills a month for thirty dollars okay very nice that's a little that makes a little money that makes you slightly not gay.
That makes you, yeah.
That's one smash every three days.
Popular.
17 pills a month.
Popular.
Now we're getting there.
Yeah, you're starting to get there.
Now we're getting into business.
Into the regular guys.
Not only fucking 17 times a month, but needing a pill every single time to get there.
And here we go.
The pro plan.
Yeah, they do have pro.
It's 45 milligram pills.
You get 34 of them a month.
And it's $120 a month
for the low price.
You don't get the higher MG.
Lolo price of about $1,300 a year.
About $1,400 a year, you can have sex almost as much as your hero, Stavros the Pig.
I'm not a pig.
I don't have that much sex.
Stavros, the slam pig.
I don't have, and I'm not using the chews to give to the guys to fuck me by.
The Bronx Zoos
most popular attraction.
I live in the Queens.
And again, by the way, if you're saying that, which I disagree with you,
in your logic, you're getting sucked off by a pig.
Only to help you create a fantastical world in which you can live peacefully, which you wouldn't be able to in the zoo.
Oh, I see.
Your dick is like
a serum to help me fucking.
Well, it's like whatever.
Once again, I'm the hero the world needs,
not the one it wants.
By letting me exist in the fifth dimension where I'm a podcaster.
Yes.
Instead of a pig that has to suck my dick all the time.
I would prefer the pig, the simple life of the fucking pig, dude.
Without getting my, without sucking your dick all the time.
Those are the kind of thing Chinese people sit around thinking about all day long in their dumbass little temples.
That's so true.
They're in there and they're like, you know, would you rather be a podcaster or a pig?
They got a very dialect
mentality.
So go to go.bluechew.com/slash come town to receive free shipping or like 20% off your order or something.
What is it again?
I think it's a free intro.
Maybe a free intro to pay the shipping.
Look, the point is just go and get your cock hard.
And it'll change your life.
Even if you're a woman.
Amen.
Yeah.
If you're a woman, maybe you're a fuggly ass bitch.
Feed these shoes to the fucking guys and their cocks will get hard.
Yeah, put it in.
Right.
Put in your bedside table with the confidence.
And by the way, this goes for if you're a fuggery-ass guy that gets fucked by guys as well.
100%.
You feed them to your Lotharios coming in and fucking slamming your cheeks.
Yeah.
Let's say you're a gay guy and you're getting bored with Dick and you're thinking about pussy and you need to stay hard for your boyfriend.
Yeah.
Bluechew.com.
Go to bluechew.com/slash goptown.
Yep.
All right.
But the movie's Sleepy Hollow, but it's Sleepy Homo.
Yeah.
It's about you and Johnny Depp.
Johnny Depp, and he's like,
I think I'll go to sleep.
Actually,
oh, yes.
I was looking for a place to take a nap.
Is Johnny Depp?
Welcome to our town.
Certainly, you've heard the legend of the gay horseman.
Of get dickabob Craig.
Suck Dickolot Craig.
Suck Dick a lot.
Suck Dickolot Prince.
Are you just making this up now?
No, no, no.
No, it's real.
It's on a scroll.
I read it on one of my parchment papers.
Suck dick a lot brain.
Suck dick a lot brain.
And what does he have instead of a pumpkin?
Is it a dick?
Yeah, I actually watched Sleepy Hollow maybe a month ago.
I feel sick of it.
No, and he's terrible in it.
Really?
Really?
Yeah, Johnny Depp.
His character doesn't make any sense because he's supposed to be like this guy that's dealing with dead bodies all the time.
But he's scared.
And when he sees them later in the movie, he's like, oh, you know.
And it's not like you don't.
I don't understand.
Yeah, he does a bad job performing in that movie.
What is the story?
Ichabob Crane gets his head.
He's a medical examiner from the city that is sent out to some Dutch town in like the Hudson Valley.
to solve this like string of murders.
And so he brings his fancy forensic science.
And then it turns out to be like it's leaning towards it being just like some
money dispute.
Oh, it's Puerto Ricans.
Some money dispute thing.
And yeah, it's like one of the guys is set to inherit some big part of the town for two families.
And then it's his bitch wife that's actually using witchcraft to summon the real headless horseman.
Oh, fuck.
So the headless horseman is real.
But his wife is doing it.
I don't know.
It's a fucking boring movie.
I just remember that was a, but isn't that like a fucking old, like a folk tale or something?
Yeah, yeah, they made it into him.
And what's the folktale?
There's the headless horseman.
And what happens to Ichabob Crane?
Does he get fucked up?
He fucks the pumpkin.
He fucks Jack Skellington.
That's awesome.
I am getting raped.
I am getting raped.
What's that?
Fucking nightmare before Christmas.
Yeah, yeah.
Nobody's like talking to somebody talking about fucking a baby to death, and then the werewolf being like, ah, even for Halloween.
This is fucked up.
It's a little too dark.
You know, we're thinking like pranks.
Yeah, you you know, maybe like bugs or something.
Candy.
That's a little.
Yeah.
The guy who takes it one step too far for all the Halloween dudes.
It'd be fun.
I wish I was cool enough as like a fourth grader to go door to door, just like a cape on, but then you draw a picture of a baby getting fucked in its ass and just like put with string, tape it around your face.
And you go door to door and people are like, what are you?
And you're like, I'm a baby getting fucked in its ass.
Yeah, dude,
you would have been an awesome fourth grader.
You would have been the fucking coolest.
Isn't that scary?
Called the police and said,'Who is raping you, son?'
My costume is a baby getting fucked in its ass.
Your fucking pairs just did handcuffs immediately.
He's a weird kid.
No, that would have been an imaginative costume.
I am getting raped.
I am getting raped.
Suck my dick, fuck my ass, fuck me.
And my mouth and call me.
Oh, geez, Louise.
What do you boys been up to now that it's getting nice?
You're taking fucking strolls and shit.
Yeah, I've been doing some strolling.
When's your second vax coming up, Adam?
In a couple of weeks' time.
Nice.
What else?
Nothing much.
I watched Godzilla versus Kong.
I didn't finish it.
I did like it.
I think it was a perfect allegory for a race war that's happening right now in this country between the blacks and the Chinese.
It's true.
But that's how you read the movie?
Yeah, but stop if you want to close your ears for this.
Oh, that's very fun.
I didn't know what movie you were talking about.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Are you going to do a spoiler?
It is a spoiler alert.
Okay, spoiler alert for.
I don't care that much.
Okay, I still don't don't care.
But what happens is the blacks and the Chinese need to team up to defeat
automation to defeat the robots.
Yeah.
Yep.
You're right.
And then to liberate society.
And do you think the robots are white people or is it automation?
I think it's just,
yeah, I don't know.
Well, it's
the godzilla Chinese and is the automation the Japanese.
Well, it's like I think that the Mayo asses that are running our society are trying to poise or trying to position BLM against Stop Asian hate.
And
what they find out is, well, what they do is it's kind of like when a Chinese guy starts rapping.
They've team up together.
Like Jin from the Rough Riders.
He was very famous on the 106 of Park Freestyle.
Exactly.
Tremendous freestyle.
This is King Kong.
No, Jin, remember?
Your girl had my dumplings and my egg roll in her mouth.
I remember that.
I still remember that line.
Let Let me tell you,
that made the whole thing jump.
Maybe you remember that line because it's very similar to your true reality.
What do you mean?
I'm Chinese now?
No, you're a dick-sucking kid.
Dumplings and egg rolls?
See, we all have a true reality underneath this that we're engaged in a fantasy of this other reality.
Let me ask you, if I was to deal with your dick, why would you create yourself in my fucking, in my
fucking fantasy?
You're still thinking about this.
Why wouldn't I be getting pussy or something?
You're still thinking about this in terms of.
Why would I be doing a podcast?
You're still thinking about this in terms of a human understanding of space and time.
Where it's like, yes, the reality could be that you're sucking my dick, but the reality that I'm experiencing is not
strictly that.
I'm in my own fantasy where I'm forced to have my dick sucked by a pig as an escape from the other reality.
Where you have to have sex with women.
Yes.
For you.
You would rather have your dick-sucked by a pig than look at pussy closely.
Because it makes sense.
Okay.
As long as you're escaping
straight.
I'll admit I'm a dick-sucking pig.
Because I see women as disgusting.
It's also funny comic.
I see women as easy.
It's funny that this is.
I don't think you should do something as disgusting.
I don't think you should do something as disgusting as fuck to a woman.
That's what a gay guy would say.
Think
to the pigs in the zoo
in the space prison in which we all live.
And women are meant to be married
and then come delivered to them.
Ziploc bag.
And they can choose what to do with it.
They say, Bring me sons.
Bring me
a male heir while I take my seat by the door.
Bring me sons while I
spend the afternoon enclosure.
Spend the afternoon in the garage
with the pig in the baby bath.
Interesting, though, Adam, that that was.
You know, I hadn't thought of that, but it's a really smart move.
I think what you're saying is it makes a lot of sense.
You know what's wrong with you?
And then the other thing is another.
Do you know what's another smart move?
What's that?
Do they get to hold it?
It's another smart move.
Buying a Ridge Wallet.
Oh,
that is smart.
That is smart.
It's one of the smartest things you could do.
It's going to ridgewallet.com and say, type it, use promo code
R-E-T-A-R-D.
I don't think that's F-A-G.
No, it's not.
No.
In another dimension, maybe.
Okay, I'll agree with you there.
Perhaps in another dimension.
But currently, here, I believe the promo code is Cometown.
Or Cometown 20.
It's either Cometown or Cometown 20.
Reach Wallet.
The problem is that all of these places have kind of the same deal with us.
And so I'm like, so that makes it harder to do.
Same deal, but it's a different product.
Because it makes me feel like I'm being lazy.
You know what I mean?
It's like, oh, no, and we know how enterprising you are usually probably the same
um
but it's but listen before well let's talk about what a great fucking product it is while you look up that you know because i i can speak for all of us here we love the ridge wallet yeah it's fucking fucking metal sleek keeps all your cards your id you don't need that bulky shit
um yeah and it's a front pocket wallet so if you're a man like myself who's constantly getting pickpockets wearing capris all the time i'm wearing capri pants single pocket.
I'm in the blackout room in the back of the club called the Man Hole.
But every time I'm there, I just want to meet other cool guys, but I just ended up getting pickpocketed.
Or violated in another way that you're not
that open to talking about right now.
Not at this juncture, but with a little bit of therapy, I will be.
Yeah, so that's why the Ridge Wallet is good for you.
If you're a guy like Adam who's getting sucked off against his will and Capri's,
the Ridge Wallet is really easy to keep track of because you just put your hand in your one little pocket.
God damn, I can't.
I don't even know what the fuck.
Then they not only have fucking wallets, they got a bunch of shit.
They got a whole
backpacks that are cool.
The backpack looks good.
I still want it.
Well, fucking buy it, you fucking cheap piece of shit.
Well,
they're
friends of the show.
They should be sending some.
Send two backpacks.
Send two of the and me.
What?
Because we're two backpacks for star.
One for his
reality and the other.
I don't need a pig pack.
He needs a pig.
I don't need a big backpack.
The wallets are made out of premium materials like aluminum, titanium, carbon fiber,
premium, which is a type of metal, I understand.
But yeah, the backpack looks really good, and I need something to put a laptop in for travel, which is coming back soon.
I'm going to Santorini in Greece.
Are you seriously?
No, but I would like to.
Sounds like
a better way to carry cash and cards, and we invented it, Slim RFID blocking.
So no one's hacking your shit.
And I'll be at the town hall next week, and I'm going to say, RFID, what is the I and the D stand for?
I know what the R and the F stands for.
I'm having a little trouble with the I and the D.
Wow.
And they're like, why are you here?
Why are you at the FDNY town hall asking us about wallet blocking technology?
Man with questions.
Because I live in subsidized housing for the mentally ill.
Yes.
And I have nothing else to do.
And you're giving out free cookies.
Wow.
The commuter backpack you can get with
a power bank.
I dated a girl that would like ran a housing program for mentally ill, like violently mentally ill people in the city.
And at one point, she was sincerely like, you know, I could get you
a place.
And it's like, not as like, oh, I can scam the system.
Yeah, yeah.
It's like you would easily qualify.
Yeah, it's like, I think
you are.
My opinion of you as someone I'm in a relationship with
is that you're so severely mentally ill that you could be living somewhere in the city for free.
And you know what?
That's that was the one person in your life that ever truly knew and cared about you.
Let me just say that right now.
That's the only person that was ever honest with you.
Well, I stabbed her to death with Parvamira.
So I guess she was right in the end.
Wow.
Ridgewald also offers something called the Summit Knife.
Incredible.
It's $160,
and it's a knife that's made out of grade 5 titanium and car.
You know what's another Summit, Adam?
What is that?
That you could get?
Summit this day.
You know,
I really,
I really,
I really like.
You can put it in your mouth.
You got it.
Yeah, I got it.
I really got him fairly.
I sauntered into that one.
You fucking knocked that one out of the park.
You know what?
Touche.
Mona.
Touche.
I'm speaking French now.
That was so good.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Let's see what they got in the ETC section.
Soft goods.
They got a leather.
Soft goods, both of your dicks.
Yep.
Soft and good.
I'm going to get a fucking Chevy S10 pickup.
Hell yeah.
And then slam it to the ground.
And then airbrush soft and good on the side.
Girl, I'll find it.
Blue Chew logo.
Like a little, like.
Yeah.
All the
dick pill logos.
Yep.
It'll look like a NASCAR, but with different dick pill logos.
Soft and good.
The soft and good.
Wow.
And of course,
they got a drink sleeve.
It looks like they had some kind of notebook.
They got sticker packs.
A lot of good shit.
They got a t-shirt.
They got a bandana.
They have a tropical ridge wallet with like Luau theme.
What the fuck is a cavity tray?
I think it looks like something that
you can put your...
Yeah, you can put your change in a
season.
They're constantly innovating over there.
Fucking Ridge Wallet.
I had an idea for them.
I forget.
Oh,
no, wait.
I was thinking, like, not a knife, but there was some...
I thought of something that could fit in there.
You know what would be really convenient is an SD card slot, but only because
for us.
Yeah, for I do this for podcasting, the podcasting, which is a big industry now, and I think they would be right to fucking incorporate that into the market.
But it's coming, man.
It's funny because I saw Lewis was the first person that had one, and he was showing it off at the same time as his fidget spinner.
Right.
Look who's still around.
Ridge wallet is still around.
No, fidget spinner is illegal.
Lewis, it's one of the gayest things I've ever seen.
And then they sent me one when I had to replace my big leather wallet because I started making too much money.
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
And you do keep cash on hand.
You don't trust banks.
I walk around.
I've never had a bank account.
I've got every dollar I've ever made from the podcast is in my wallet.
I walk away or walk around with about $2.5 million.
Just stuffed to the gills.
That'd be sick, dude.
To be that stupid.
Meet the man.
Meet the libertarian who doesn't trust.
Doesn't trust banks or even keeping things in his house.
Yeah.
He's walking around.
He doesn't trust his family.
Banks.
He's just safes.
Just like a
he just like he's got like a like a like a Looney Tunes dust cloud around him.
And then it settles and his wallet's gone.
It's been served all of his clothes.
It just comes leaking out of his ears.
Damn.
So yeah, Ridgewald's good.
And
go to Ridgewald.com.
Ridgewald.com.
Try out promo code Come Town.
Just play around, Cometown20.
Just fuck feel it out.
Feel it out.
There's probably free shipping or 20% off.
Something nice.
Something along the nice.
Just make sure you use the promo code.
Use the promo code and tell them come town, send it to you.
At the very least, buy something and then send them a subsequent email saying, I wouldn't have bought this if it weren't for
me trying.
I want to be like the Cometown guys.
We have everything, by the way, here.
Yeah.
Here we go, Bridgewater.
I used to be
a neo-lib chud
until I was radicalized
by the Cometown podcast.
And now I'm a revolutionary
all day long.
But saying, like,
yeah, not a good look.
Not a good look, Chief.
Check, please.
Oh, fuck.
I feel like kids in cages, check, please.
I feel my little bitches.
That's a definite check.
Check, please.
Yeah, I agree.
That
wasn't yogurt.
I did not eat your.
Yeah, you ain't cumbing.
I mixed it in my home.
You ain't coming now.
You're pregnant.
Yeah, I have a house, okay?
You're not going to convince me that I'm a pig-sucking dick.
And even if I was even if I was why would in this reality would I be eating your cum?
This is supposed to be my escape from sucking you ate yogurt.
I'm just all right.
Thank you.
I'm pulling the curtain back
I Watch the Zach Snyder movie sucker punch
and it reminds me of this reality about
where you're
you're going into an alternate reality to forget trauma because this girl is raped and then institutionalized and then lobotomized.
But in her brain, she goes into a world where she's...
It all happens in her brain?
Where she's kicking ass.
How's the movie ending?
They should do the happy ending.
The Matrix.
The movie ends where her friend escapes, and she's just a lobotomized retarded.
What the fuck?
That's a good thing.
They should do the Matrix, but it's like Neo's the whole time.
Like him coming out of The Matrix doesn't happen until the last third of the movie.
And he's like, yeah, I want out of the Matrix.
And then he, like, comes to in the tube, and he's got pig ears, and he's some kind of like pig human, and he's just sucking some guy's cock in the tube.
And then
that's what the real world is.
You think it's the year 1999, but it's actually close to the year 2099.
You've been sucking cock in the tube as a pig man
your whole life.
And Joe Panaliano is like, kind of makes you want to go back in, huh?
Before you knew you were a cock sucking pig.
All right.
I mean, yeah, I guess that's something that could appeal to some people.
I don't really see the appeal personally, but, you know, others might like it.
Look who?
I don't know, you.
Celebrity.
See fitness celebrity John Baystyle?
No, I don't think so.
You seem to be really, really infatuated with this idea of pig people recently.
Well, I'm an artist.
John Baystyle.
Yeah.
What a reference, dude.
Fitness Made Simple.
I forgot about it.
But you got to just let whatever is going on in your mind
go there so we can get to the true reality.
We can see ourselves in true reality.
I agree with that.
John.
some somewhere somewhere in another my real my closer to reality dimension i'm watching john bass dow infomercials on tv and it's 1997 john bass god dude i got a i got a cup of italian ice from the ice cream truck nice yeah i would love a lemon ice
you said shut up before i even finished finish
then you told me to shut up
come on dude the box is hot over here dude i'm by the sun i'm telling you the box is it's a different temperature over there.
There's a different climate on the box.
Do you remember how you ended up on the box?
No, dude.
No, you just ended up there.
I'll say it's almost like there's another reality.
Shit.
Witches controlling him.
And a heat lamp just turned on.
You are kind of like a lizard.
It needed to be justified somehow.
Retroactively.
So pissed if I'm a pig in a cage right now.
With a heat lamp.
If I go to bed tonight and I just have a pig, just fucking dick, I'm going to be so fucking pissed off.
Did we say what the promo code was for?
I think we said Cometown or Cometown 20.
That's right.
I like these bags, dude.
I like them too.
Yeah.
I do need a small fridge.
Shut up.
I'm getting the bag.
Come on, man.
Oh, now they got this weekender bag and a travel case.
They have bigger bags.
I don't need a big bag.
I have a big bag.
I need a small bag for fucking zipping around.
I might be done with phone cases, though.
I'm done myself.
Now that I just have to pay, like, a monthly fee for the phone, I'm just going to get into breaking them.
What do you mean you pay a monthly fee?
Instead of buying the phone out, right?
Is that what you do?
Yeah.
I buy it out right now.
I pay like 40 bucks for my phone every month.
I just prefer to buy it outright.
Why?
I don't know.
I do it.
I finance it through Apple because you get free Apple pay or Apple Care with it.
You get free Apple Care.
You always you should never buy anything you can finance.
I like to buy things.
It's good for your credit if you finance medical.
Not only is it good for your credit, but if you have more liquid capital, you can use that to your advantage.
I'm an old-school type of guy.
I don't trust the system.
No such thing as an old school type of guy.
The people who say that just don't understand how money works.
And that's fine, and I prefer that.
I'm going to start my own investment.
The only thing I'm going to invest in, I'm going to buy a house at some point, and that's it.
Yeah.
I'm starting a maybe a bunch of hedge fund called Gay Man Financial.
Gay Man Financial.
Yeah.
And it's a subsidiary of Liquid Capital.
Yeah, Gay Sex Financial.
And And the Liquid is calm.
That's good.
Yeah.
Gay Sex Financial.
That's awesome.
You could probably make big money doing that.
We do default credit swaps.
That's where two guys spit each other's calm into each other's mouth.
Yeah, it's like snowballing.
That makes me hard.
Yeah.
Yeah, thinking about that makes me pretty hard, honestly.
Yeah, finance is gay.
Yep.
Oh, yeah.
So is sucking my dick.
But that hasn't stopped you.
Yes, it has.
That's exactly why I don't do it.
But you want to.
That's precisely why.
But you want to, but you don't want to be gay.
I'd suck dick, but that shit's gay, dude.
It looks delicious.
It looks cool.
But it's gay to do.
The bob motion looks cool.
Yeah.
It'd be fun.
You know, it's nice to get a new skill, to master a new skill.
Damn.
What?
Ridge wallet, hit me up with a commuter backpack.
I'm getting the commuter backpack.
Hit me up with a black commuter backpack.
I'm getting it.
You can get it in teal.
I don't want teal.
You can get it in teal.
I don't fucking want teal.
Fuck you.
Looks great.
Very simple.
Not that kind of slim.
Not too big.
A lot like your dick.
Come on, man.
Now I want to look at the.
What else is in the news?
Rapper DMX is in a vegetative state.
I think he's beating it.
Is he going to come back from a vegetative state?
I feel like I saw a picture of him giving up the peace sign, throwing up the peace sign.
Really?
I hope it's not old.
I'm sure he's been in.
I'm sure he's been in the hospital before.
Lena Dunham debuted her new plus-size clothing line.
That looks pretty good.
They should call him ODMX,
folks.
That's true.
That's true.
Have you seen this guy?
This guy in DMX?
Apparently, he's in the hospital for doing too many drugs.
Damn.
Yeah, maybe it's not looking good.
Maybe I saw an old picture.
Yeah.
That's bullshit, dude.
DMX recently went to the hospital for doing too many drugs.
Sounds like
what's that's going to give it to you?
A bunch of ashes from a funeral home, folks.
That's what you should give DMX.
Hey, we'll be back with the Kings of Leon.
He's apologized to the Asian community and he's now turning his sights.
DMX was in the hospital thing
where my dog's at.
Apparently, they're at the Chinese food restaurant.
And then he's bringing it back to the Chinese food.
We tried cutting out the jokes and realized.
But it was pretty funny.
It was pretty fun.
It made me laugh.
The DMX thing is pretty funny to me.
DMX said, who let the dogs out?
It was the Chinese people letting the dogs out in the back of the restaurant.
Wow.
Is that real?
You know what I mean?
It sounds like he had a real rough ride to the hospital after
overdosing on drugs.
Hey, Kevin, do you know this guy?
Is he one of your friends from the corner?
In the neighborhood?
You guys go hang out at your cat houses together?
Jay, come on, man.
Come on.
Come on, Jay.
Come on, Jay.
You know, I don't want to find another job.
I told you, man.
Stop being racist to me.
Jay, just at least if there could be one person you're not racist towards, maybe it's me.
Fuck you.
I pay your fucking bills, you fucking muck.
Fuck my dick, you piece of shit.
Ha ha!
Ha ha!
Ha ha!
I'm Mickey Mano.
It's me, Mickey.
Leto.
And I've seen this.
Guess what?
If it wasn't enough for me, we're both Mickey Master Jay Leto.
There's one other fact about me.
I'm fucking gay.
Wow.
This show's gotten weird.
I'm talking ghost talks.
Imagine it me!
I know this is gonna blow your mind!
But what if I was also a fake?
I'm gay!
I'm gay!
I love Zoggy Kong!
Have you heard this?
Have you heard about that?
I love Zoggy Kong!
Watch me suck this guy!
What's it there, Kevin?
Yes.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, boy.
Now that's good stuff.
Oh, fuck.
Has we did an hour?
I don't think we're topping
JJ, Michael, fucking Mickey, whatever the fuck his name is.
Who cares?
Who gives a shit?
Fuck comedy.
Okay, damn.
All right, here we go.
Is this going to be one of those?
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