Ep. 253 – bandaullio

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Suffs!

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It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

Hey, everybody.

Welcome to the Improv Jam.

I'm your host, David Thomas Penis.

And this is my co-host, Zach Rothstein.

Hey.

Hey, we're just

a couple of guys that did not get any pussy until college was almost over.

And now we're wearing purple hoodies and doing improv.

And we're pissed.

And we're freaking pissed off.

And we're going to pretend we're not.

We're going to be seething at our core.

We're some of the angriest people.

And we will rape.

We'll rape.

And then once we get called out for rape, we'll move to an even darker place.

And at least one of us, it hasn't happened yet, will do some kind of mass crime.

Shouts out to Thomas Middleditch for raping at a goth club, it sounds like.

Yeah.

Was he one of the...

That should be Lord.

Which group was he in?

No, he was in the Nerd show.

Yeah.

He's in.

But he does Long.

Big Bang Theory?

No, no, no.

It was good.

The show is pretty good.

So, Silicon Valley.

Oh, okay.

I actually, I don't know.

I didn't know who Thomas Middle Ditch was.

I don't know who

Chet Scorpion.

Is that the guy everybody's talking about?

Yeah.

By the way,

I just realized I said David Scorpion.

That's his name.

David Scorpion?

Sandy Rainbow.

That's the one I'm thinking of.

Sandy Rainbow Rainbow.

I thought I confused him.

That would be awesome if he was.

He turned out to be a rapist.

I confused him and chicks only.

Him and Eric Scorpion, I confused pretty often.

Who's Eric Scorpion?

He's that actor's son.

He's the son of

Foster Scorpion.

Michael Wando.

Michael Wando.

David Foster Scorpion.

David Foster Wando.

You know, David Foster Wando.

Of course I do.

Yeah.

He was in Everybody Hates Chris.

He was the teacher.

Oh, God.

That guy's hilarious in that.

Dude, lobsters feel pain.

Oh, I see, I see.

Do you do that whole?

Wait, wait, what's his name again?

David Foster Wando.

David Foster Wando?

Wando.

And his son is Chet Phoenix.

Wait, wait, shouldn't he be David Foster Phillips if he's doing that?

No, he's

Phillips, David Thomas.

Who's Wando?

He played Stubbs on Miami Justice.

I thought you were doing.

I thought you were doing like Emo Phillips and David Foster Wando.

No, I'm just getting into misinformation.

Yeah, we're a lying podcast.

Yeah, I want to see like what, because apparently now doing misinformation is the highest crime.

Oh my gosh.

So I want to see what kind of misinformation you can do.

Well, we actually are Russian agents.

We have been saying misinformation on the show.

Everything we've said is not true, except for that thing about Randy Rainbow.

About Adam being gay.

Which is true.

When did we say that?

Sort of the whole time.

I don't think on this episode.

So like the undercurrent of the entire show.

All right.

Well, for the the last five years

i suppose i guess that's what the show is about

um

yeah it's uh like uh the but our big piece of misinformation that we've um

we've been trying to combat is what the mRNA uh vaccine what mRNA stands for men's rights no

no they're just the RN part of

registered nurse

yeah

wait that stands for registered nurse?

Yep.

Yeah, not in this household.

That's what RNS stands for.

Yeah.

So they got this

Derek Chiobon

trial coming up.

I'm going prosecution on this one.

I think we're all pretty much on the prosecution side.

I'm rooting for the prosecution.

Do people really pick sides in that thing?

It seems like it's kind of like everyone's sort of waiting and see.

What do you mean by that?

Let the best man win.

I think we sort of know who that the guy on trial is not the best man.

I think that's pretty clear.

I didn't realize that was sort of like I thought that was just something I think people sort of casually.

No, I think everyone is rooting pretty hard for one side.

Are there Derek Chauvin fans out there?

I don't think there are certain.

I mean,

I don't think out there.

Out of the closet, Derek Chauvin.

I put my foot in the water, and the temperature reading the room, my general read on the consensus of American citizens, this very much like a 1998, should we introduce the blue MM or the purple MM kind of thing?

I think the stakes are a little higher than that, and I think you're read on the room.

In this situation,

the purple MM has been murdered by the blue MM.

Oh, yes.

And we're deciding whether or not to be mad at the blue MM.

I think we're all mad.

Yeah.

And everyone's hoping that we're not mad.

But isn't the moral of the story is that underneath it all we're all chocolate?

That's not the moral.

That by being on trial for murder, in a way,

Derek Chaveen is not.

No, no, no, no, no, you're not.

You could say that he is.

You couldn't even say that.

No,

whatever you're going to say.

Who has gotten the RN vaccine?

No, that's certainly not the case whatsoever.

Even following your twisted logic, I don't believe.

Would you say that you could call Derek Chaveen?

No, whatever you're going to say, no.

Whatever you're going to say, no.

And why don't we go back to talking about Thomas Middledich raping people with black lipstick on?

Yeah, let's go.

Adam wanted to talk about Derek Shelley.

He did.

And that was.

I just wanted to get it to see what he was doing.

And what did he say?

Where did he temperature on this?

Derek Levine, and he's Derek Shelley Levine from Glen Gary Glen Ross.

Okay.

And he's like, you should have seen him.

No, no, no.

I had him done.

We don't need to do anymore.

We don't need any character bitch that are spun off of Derek when

we can give his death.

We can just have it.

No, no, no.

No.

You asked, how about?

And I said, no.

And And he had a $20 bill.

No, no, no.

And it was fake.

No, sir.

You said, how about?

The machine.

Roundly, no.

I just wanted to chraveen the machine.

I wanted to see who you guys were rooting for, and I think that Stav and I are both going prosely.

We are definitely.

Let me just say that.

I am firmly rooting for.

I want to put that out there about myself, too.

I'm going prose.

Whereas Nick isn't.

He's Ken Bone.

He's a decided bone.

I need to know who all the players are.

Nick's wearing his big red sweats.

And he wants to ask a question.

I need to know who all the players are.

Apparently, they already had the karate expert textify in the trial.

So I see we've reached the karate expert phase of the public trial, which is a very important part of the public trial.

The karate expert era.

Who did they have?

There's the tiny glove era, and then there's the fat twins on motorcycles.

Who were those guys?

I don't know.

I think they were on postcards.

I really only know the reference from The Simpsons.

Who was involved in a murder case?

Who would they get as the karate expert?

Who do they get?

A real sentence?

Yeah, that guy from the video.

He was in the video?

Derek Shavine?

No, there's a guy who testified yesterday.

That's what the jump off of this is.

Is there was, in fact, a martial arts expert who testified that Derek Shauvin did a blood choke.

Yeah, it didn't seem like he

wasn't very well trained, whatever the fuck was going on.

Blood choke, you you know he's well at the point of his testimony was to prove that derek chavine knew that he was cutting off circulation of george floyd's brain

probably sad

yeah so i'm i just want to say i hope he goes to jail as well

i'm going probably i would just like to put that let's go pete let's go let's go a rare time that we are voting for the prosecution but what if the defense attorney is like just the most charming

doing rhymes yeah what if the defense attorney is a George Floyd in his own right?

No.

I don't know what you're saying.

A different kind of hero.

No.

No.

Again, I really.

Have you even met the man?

I don't.

This is one of those times where I don't need to meet.

Derek Shavine should have hired just like the most fucking like.

The biggest showboat.

Yeah.

Just, yeah.

If you could get like Don Arazzle.

Yeah, yeah.

That would be.

Egregious.

Outrageous.

Ridiculous.

Ludicrous.

That would have been a,

I gotta say, that would have been

to land on such an upstanding man as Mr.

A gentleman, Dr.

Reverend Derek Shabin.

Here's what I don't want to hear your side of the story.

Day one, we're going to get him ordained.

We are going into that courtroom, and he will be a man of the frock.

Just an organ playing in the background?

Yeah.

That would have been one way to go.

That would have been better better for TV.

I don't think this is a TV trial, is it?

I don't know.

I think it's O.J.

Simpson style.

Why don't they have this lifetime trial about he was on trial for the racist murder of an unarmed black man that the entire world witnessed, and no one could help him except a fucking bum ass drunk

clown of

an attorney

that passed the bar by bribing people with detailing jobs.

That would be a beautiful love story.

They found Roman.

Not a love story, but he gets them off.

He gets them like the Lord.

I think the story that nobody believed in.

I think they need to spice it up and make it that they fall in love.

I'm just saying, if we want to take it to the next level.

I think that unfairly portrays the gay community as a bunch of racist murdering cops and elderly black people.

I wouldn't go to the least.

I think that's the same thing.

Is that the message you want to send?

Is that all gay people are Derek Chaveen and a cartoon of a

line?

You put your foot over it there by saying that Derek Chauvin is gay.

I think you tiptoe over the line, and now you're covering it up.

And the crime.

There's no covering up.

You're saying he has criminal sexual attention.

I'm saying being gay is everyone is gay.

That all of us have that in us.

And through the power of

understanding, two very different people.

The Kinsey scale is what they call it.

It'd be cool if those existed in real life.

You wake up in the morning, wipe the sleep out of your eye, you go in the bathroom,

stand on the scale, and it's like, you're a fag.

Oh, man.

I knew I shouldn't have had all that cockle.

Yeah, I ate too much chocolate.

You're a fag.

Today you will be sucking dick.

You're a homo.

I had too many chocolate-covered checks, mix.

That would be nice if I had.

I had too many chocolate-covered strawberries

at the Christmas party.

I've been gay desserts.

Now Now

I've gone up on the Kinsey scale.

Sweets are incredibly gay.

Uh-uh.

Not necessarily.

I think so.

Yeah, because you don't like sweets.

You said a fucking peanut butter sandwich was the best sweet you eat.

I like a peanut butter cookie.

That's a great sweet.

Okay, so now you're gay, you're saying, because of that?

No, but that's a mask.

No, that's a masculine, manly type of sweet.

I remember one time my girlfriend made cookies,

and my friend was over, and he was kind of a fatter guy, and we were all like really high and there were peanut butter cookies and he ate one and he was like these cookies are delectable respect and then we both started laughing at him and he got all

and he fucking blew up and left well you guys were being racist you were being prejudiced against the fat community only first of all delectable doesn't sound good coming off the tongue of anyone that's not at least overweight That's a word only we can say.

Yeah, but delectable is kind of a show Bodie sing song.

I don't think so.

I think that's the kind of joy he was in.

Musical theater.

He was enjoying that cookie in a way that you don't have the faculties to enjoy.

If I could sing, I would go into musical theater.

Because

if all those gentlemen are homosexuals, then I could smash all the pussy?

Probably smash all that puss.

Or suck all those guys' dicks.

Or both.

Depending on where you stand on the Kinsey scale that day.

Yeah.

You're both.

You are gay as shit.

You're gay as shit today.

You're a little bit gayer.

Your Apple Watch says, hey, we notice you're looking a little gay today.

Would you like us to download Grinder?

Small fluctuations in how much of a homo you are normal.

It's nothing to worry about.

My wife is sleeping.

Hell yeah, dude.

We noticed you were getting fucked in your ass in between the hours of 9 and 8 a.m.

9 and 8.

9 p.m.

and 8 a.m.

last time.

That's the sleep isn't tough on the asshole.

No, it's just

the entire time.

We wouldn't want to discourage you from getting fucked in your ass.

Identity style.

That's true.

What's the longest you think you get fucked in your ass and it's still comfortable?

What do you mean comfortable?

It doesn't sound like it's easily comfortable.

It's comfortable in a minute, either.

I don't know.

I think if you like getting fucked in your ass.

I don't even like taking a shit.

What do you mean you don't like taking a shit?

It's not.

I don't like it.

I like the feeling of aftertaking.

I'm sort of like a dog in that

I shit outside and I do the weird arching thing and then I make that weird like sometimes I make a weird grimace and I make eye contact with people.

Sometimes I do squat to shit to get it all out quick and it feels nice.

I do a lot of panting.

But sometimes I like a shit.

A shit is when you take a real nice one, ain't nothing wrong with that.

Yeah.

I just mean there's probably, I don't know, 15 minutes at the absolute max.

Of pure excess.

Of pure getting your ass just railed.

Other than that, it would probably feel bad.

Even if you love it.

You know what I mean?

Damn, I'm excited for Easter chocolates.

What's your favorite?

When is Easter?

I don't know.

It's coming up, though.

It's Passover right now.

You guys haven't wished.

Shut up.

I haven't.

The pregame, do you know what happened?

Guess what?

Can I tell you

something about an apology?

Yeah.

It's not an apology.

You're apologizing.

I need an apology.

Jesus Christ on the other side.

Skipping.

Skip Passover this year.

Not celebrating.

Yeah.

No.

I'm changing my name to the day.

Not skip Passover.

Skip Passover.

Hey, how are we doing, folks?

How are you doing?

Name Skip.

Skip Passover.

Isn't that why it's called Passover?

You're supposed to skip it.

If they wanted you to do it, they'd call it dude.

They'd call it stay on.

They'd call it keep your plans.

You ever notice that black people got

big lips?

Whoa, Jerry.

I'm trying to

go blue.

Where did that come from, Jerry?

I'm trying a new hour.

Folks, it's new.

It's new.

Some of them aren't going to be winners.

I had to dump my 12-year-old girlfriend because her titties were too hard.

They weren't ripe.

They looked good, but they weren't ripe.

You need a little sag to them.

You can't titty fuck unripe.

That's it.

Teens don't know about titty fucking.

You have to learn that when you're older.

You ever notice that when you fuck a 14-year-old, you meet in the park, or tennis are

they're not ripe enough.

It's like, it's like, it's like an avocado.

Jesus, Jerry, what the fuck, man?

Just a bunch of 72-year-old Jews and tuxedos watching him do this.

Oh, he really went there.

I tried fucking her in the ass.

It was like trying to untie a balloon with my cock.

It's impossible.

That's what you meant by that.

That it's impossible?

Yeah.

Wow.

Well, imagine it.

Imagine trying to untie a camballoon with my cock.

You're right.

It wouldn't be impossible.

Anyway, back to the stuff about black.

Get him off.

For the very first time.

For the very first time.

Jerry goes blue.

Jerry goes blue.

Sign felt unrated.

Sign felt good.

Well, we're bombing Syria again.

Good.

Jerry.

Oh, people say, oh, we don't know why we're over there.

I do.

Because they're a bunch of ragheads.

You don't need to sell.

Jerry won't be silent.

You don't need to sell me on anything more than that.

Good luck trying to cancel this guy

after 40 years of observations about phone books.

just picture him with caution tape around his mouth.

That's the fucking thing.

Yeah, they say, oh, well, those weren't the guys that even did 9-11.

Yeah, well, neither were the police officers that defend us every day.

They protect us.

But they're on trial.

They're the ones on trial.

They're on trial.

I'm still on the fence about Derek Shaveen.

I think he's cute.

If it were up to me, he'd be my boyfriend.

Wow, that took a turn.

He's cute.

I think he's cute.

I want to give him kisses on his ass.

You're really fucked up if you get to track five being gay with Dick Show.

When they show him on the stand behind that big wooden box, I wish I was under there sucking his cock.

I want to suck the judge's cock, too.

I want to go under his robe so I look like an 1800s photographer.

Just suck him off under there.

But I thought you wanted to fuck children with big teeth.

I want to fuck guys.

He changes his mind.

Oh, our guys special.

Now he's gay.

He's not a pedophile anymore.

35 minutes in.

He's

dies to fuck me in my ass.

He's gay for races.

So I felt unleashed.

Did I do that?

And he's saying all the lines from your favorite shows.

Hostile Avista, baby.

We were on a break.

It's all right.

Oh, man.

I would love to watch that comedy special.

He's not a pedophile anymore.

Now he wants to fuck Derek Chauvin.

That guy should be in jail just for having that.

Fuck up.

I hate saying his name.

Yep.

Derek Chavine.

Yep.

Chauvin.

Chauvin.

How do you say it?

I want to shauvin my cock is ass.

Yes.

Derek Chauvin.

Oh, fuck, man.

I wish Jerry would take a turn.

Derek Chauvin.

Okay.

Chauvin.

Look, there's a slow button you can.

Derek Chauvin.

Alright.

I think we got it.

I don't think we got it.

Google has pronunciation built in.

That's pretty cool.

What else can they pronounce?

Anything good?

Yeah, hold on.

Hold on.

I'm definitely doing it.

I'm definitely having it pronounce something.

This is like playing Russian roulette right now.

It's like letting Nick fucking have a computer.

Title work.

No, hold on.

No, dude, let's spin the bullet and see what what comes up.

Yeah, let's live a little bit to that.

Let's

Derek Chauvin, a cock in my ass.

That's good.

That's Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, that it actually is from Jerry Seinfeld and you special.

Derek Chauvin, Iga, Kung Ti Tai Wo Piku.

Yeah, hell yeah.

That's for all our Chinese listeners.

What does that lady say?

Derek Chauvin Iga Gong Ji Zai Wa Pi.

It means Chevy Cock in my Derek Chauvin a a cockamamouth.

I didn't know you spoke Chinese, though.

I do.

Derek Shavine speaks Chinese.

The defense is hinging his case on that.

My clients.

My clients.

Could a racist man do this?

Go ahead, speak a little Chinese for him, Derek.

Go ahead, Derek.

Blow these people's mentalities.

Go ahead,

do the shit off the menu.

We was practicing out there

in the cell.

Go ahead, say a lot of the general sound shit you were saying.

Go ahead, Derek.

Don't be shy.

Shit.

You kill a motherfucker on camera.

You can at very least speak a little Chinese.

The greatest lawyer of all time.

If you convict this man, I'm going to kill a bitch.

I'm going to walk out of here.

The first bitch I see, I'm going to beat her ass to death.

And that's going to be on you.

Yep.

That would, again, be a very good shot.

That's a persuasive argument.

You're on a

motion to say just kidding.

Motion to say psych.

Motion to psych.

I'm going to psych that from the record.

Oh, fuck.

Damn, dude.

You know, I.

You got to look good.

You got to look good when you testify.

We're going to put you in Gucci slippers.

He's spending all the stuff in.

The kitchen magic got on.

We get him a Jerry curl.

We get him lipstick, Gucci slippers.

Derek Chauvin is a man.

We're getting a manicure.

He's been immediately found guilty

of the law.

Even the most racist cops defending him were like, you got us.

What can we say?

Yeah.

My client would like to be referred to by his Muslim name, Rosebud Delicious.

Yeah, my name is Rosebud.

No, Derek, talk the way we taught you.

When we did the miscongeniality scene.

Oh, the montage.

Yeah, we did like a teaching you how to be a lady montage.

Yep.

What's the lawyer's name?

I like, too.

They bring Stanley Tucci and to teach Derek Shaven how to act like a homo.

Yep.

Say you.

Oh, honey, that's all wrong.

Just having a walk around

Stanley and Tucci.

Kathleen Madigan is the people they bring in to coach Derek Chavine on being a messy slut.

Has Kathleen Madigan been in any movies?

I mean, Kathleen Turner.

Turner, yeah.

And no, she hasn't either.

That's funny.

That's funny.

The phone said message slut is what it is.

I don't see slut in your context.

You hear that, ladies?

You would think a guy like me would have some woman just named.

Every woman you've met chronologically would be slut one, slut two.

But instead, they have all names like Tinder 5 or

Hinge 7.

Damn, maybe I should get on the app since it's fucking springtime.

Yeah, that sucks.

No, I'm about to be celibate for April, I've decided.

Don't throw yourselves to the wolves.

No pussy April for Stavros.

I'm the no-pussy prince.

I'm the no pussy prince of Queens.

Teach yourself how to meditate and hands-free.

No joke.

I'm literally, it's one more month in the dojo, and then in May, I'm let loose.

I'm let loose on the streets.

I'm going to start doing stand-up again.

But for April, we're getting jacked.

As jacked as we can get in a month.

Continuing the diet regimen.

And I'm back.

I was the 20,000-step bastard for the first time in a while.

So I've been lifting.

I haven't been being the bastard.

I felt great.

Fucking, I had my second shot in Harlem.

And

I rode a bike to Central Park and I walked up through the two miles every day, two inches in the pants.

That's what they call it.

That's true.

It's true.

I walk, that's way more than two inches.

Mr.

Tutu.

They call him Desmond Tutu.

They call him Desperate Tutu.

They call me the Archbishop Desmond.

Bishop Tutu.

I cannot get any pussy.

It is because I have the two-inch penis and I walk two miles.

And I walk two miles every day to the pussy-getting place.

And they say, we're all out of pussy.

Go home.

Maybe that's why he became a priest.

Yeah.

His two two-inch penis couldn't get any pussy.

He's a friend of the family, so.

Oh, you know, Desmond?

Can we stop real quick?

You started it.

Desperate 2-2.

Desperate 2-2.

It's pretty good.

But yeah, man.

April, celibacy.

Unless a hawk girl wants to fuck me, no questions asked.

And then I'll reconsider.

And then she just better not tell anyone.

And she better keep it under wraps.

Because everyone else should think.

April celibacy.

If a hawk girl wants to fuck me, she's going to have to come over to my apartment and watch an entire series of Viper.

All four seasons.

Viper's pretty good, man.

Dude, it's good.

Yeah.

Seven Days We Just Watched, that was awesome.

I found this website that sells DVDs of the worst TV shows.

all the TV shows that I don't shut up about the UPN lineup I guess this company just downloads them off pirate bay and then puts them in a box for you

like that'll be $45 sir you're like you're happy to pay it I'm like here you go I worked hard for that money

I gotta say a seven day

me spending money on pirated DVDs

of the shows that made me as retarded as I am is as close as a guy like me gets to giving back to the community.

That's literally it.

Yep.

That's true.

I guess you could.

What am I going to do?

Teach basketball?

No, no.

You could get.

I don't know how to play basketball.

Exactly.

Well, I know how to play basketball.

I just don't because I'm racist.

You've never learned.

No.

You don't have the athletic ability.

No, I know how to play all of the ethnic sports.

Ping-pong, basketball, golf, which is Scottish.

That's true.

Cricket.

No.

Well, British isn't an ethnicity.

Well, but wouldn't you say it's more I feel like more Pakistani and Indian people like it than British people at this point.

No, they don't have their own culture.

They love cricket.

They just have spices.

They're just spicy British people.

No.

Yes.

They love cricket, bro.

Nope.

Indian people are just spicy British people.

Although I do love that the the British colonized India and they were like, well, we're taking the hats.

We're definitely going to call each other Raj.

Do they call each other Raj?

Yeah, they were doing that.

They called it the Raj.

And they were like, and then you can keep the rest of your shit.

We're taking these two, and

yeah, all the other stustable shit.

Yeah.

Which, if it were me,

if I was the king of England, what would you do?

Elephants.

Bring those motherfucking elephants back here.

Yeah.

And I'm not even, we're not going to use them for anything.

I'm just going to...

Wheel them out in front of the houses of every fat bitch with opinions on the internet And be like, oh,

Helen, good to see you.

You're quiet today.

Just all loud until she comes out and you're like, what?

Two, Helen.

You have a twin sister?

I'm seeing double.

Yeah, put a fucking purple wig on the elephant.

Yeah.

All right, that's good.

Pack the elephant back up.

We got 7,892 more women to go through here.

Oh, fuck.

Just another day in the life of the Raj.

Raj is good.

And if you want to live the life of a Raj, check out getsuperleaf.com.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

The Raj is good.

There's nothing more royal than taking pills, kratom pills.

That's right.

Or

kratom pills.

A beautiful, beautiful,

I don't know, supplement.

I don't know.

Yeah, check this out.

I don't know what the fuck it is.

So go to get superleaf.com slash come town,

which will activate the 20% discount.

On what you ask, well, just give me a second to wait for the click on the link so I can read the website to you like a father to his young, dumbass son as he goes to bed.

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It says that.

Our kratom meets the American Kratom Association, aka.

Not to be confused with the American Kennel Association, which judges dog quality for certain restaurants.

It should be American, no, because it's the American Cancer Society.

Yes, you're right.

Or ACA.

Is it ACA something else?

The ACA is the American

Ash Cheeks.

Ash Cheeks Association.

Yes, Ash Cheeks Association.

Our Kratom meets the American Kratom Association Standard for Good Manufacturing.

The Affordable Care Act, ACA.

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So what's the GMP qualified vendor?

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Wow.

As we know, so many in the Kratom community have been killed by the police.

That's so true.

And the only way to prevent that from happening is by embracing the good manufacturing practices, which are a set of guidelines that provide a system of quality to ensure that supplement products meet standards for quality, identity, purity, and strength.

Holy shit, for real?

This is boring.

Yeah.

No one cares about it.

So here's how this works.

So this shit is either powder or capsules.

Yeah, it's one of the things.

we can't really say make that many claims, right?

Yeah, we're not allowed to make claims.

And here's the thing.

The more we're restricted legally,

the better.

The better the thing is.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Because saying, if this did nothing, we could be like, oh, it's, it's, go ahead, take it.

Take 100 pills.

Yeah, with this shit, it's like.

So that's a nice.

Don't take 100 pills.

That's what we would be saying if it didn't do anything.

If it didn't do anything.

If you don't have a heroin problem yet, you will if you try this stuff you're gonna say what's next

let's keep it going baby let's take it to let's keep the good times rolling well it doesn't say that but it is good apparently if i i myself never do i don't use drugs but if you're trying to get off pills this is the way to go

Yeah, and I've definitely taken it, and I think it's good as well.

And I've had a good time.

And you know what?

I can't make claims for anything scientific, but I'll say the vibes are off the charts.

Another thing I like about it is when you're doing a bunch of it, women are like, stop, it bothers them for some reason.

Which is a good prank.

Stop doing this.

Come on.

Yeah.

Which is a selling price.

I'm already a half hour late.

It bothers women.

It bothers women.

That's big on the bullet points.

For me.

Premium botanicals for sale.

I love calling it botanicals.

There's botanicals, botanicals, for sure.

Yeah, I'm into botanicals.

That sounds awesome.

I wish I was into botanicals.

I'm sort of what you would call it.

What are other shits?

Like a botanical mentality.

What's other botanicals?

Flowers?

Incarnations.

The

syrup?

The orchid show at fucking.

Those are botanicals.

That's a botanical.

The Encyclopedia Botanica.

Uh-huh.

That's a botanical.

That's a botanical.

Okay.

Nugs.

Tank nugs.

Settlers of batan.

Settlers of batan.

That's a botanical.

That's what bloods play.

A botanical

pencil.

A botanical pencil, of course.

That's a botanical pencil.

That's so true.

Yana, my client doesn't even own a botanical pencil.

And going

furthermore,

research indicates that there's no such thing as a botanical pencil.

So I ask you again: how could he possibly have killed Mr.

George George Floyd?

Yeah, well, that's that's a good defense.

They're like jury, there's one guy in the liberating.

He's like, I mean, he made a really good point about the botanical pencil, it doesn't exist.

They're like, That, but what

there's no pencils involved,

there's no pencil at any point.

Yeah, half of half of his argument was that I'm going to show you a magic trick monologue from the dark night.

Oh,

That would be awesome.

I would love to see an insane old black guy try and remember the magic trick.

Is there an old black guy with Ledger Joker makeup?

Derek Shraveen.

Maybe we've all gone a little psycho.

Maybe we've all had too much in this world.

Everybody hurts.

Everybody cries.

Sometimes.

Sometimes.

What's the frequency, Kenneth?

What is the frequency, Kenneth?

Mm-hmm.

So if.

So

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I kind of, you know, I started off with the capsules.

They're easy.

You just pop like fucking 16 of them in your mouth.

Yep.

And then I graduated to the powder.

And that shit, you just, you get like a big old fucking big gulp of mud.

You spend the day on the couch.

You just keep

how much you want.

You go, all right, show me.

And then you meet God.

Dude, it's like meeting God.

What I imagine meeting God would be like is like you and three of the stupidest people you know going on a walk outside and laughing too hard at the Arby's logo.

That's what meeting God is like.

If I had to describe it, when you die, that's what happens.

Yep.

Yep, just sitting in a little-ass fucking park and talking to a tree and the tree's telling you no one will ever look at it.

Yeah, dude.

Meeting God is you die, and it's kind of like being in an efficiency apartment somewhere with a manager of a GameStop watching the Toontown scene from Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

Yeah.

Until you freak out and have to turn off Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

And

that's what it's like to meet you.

It's a life-changing experience.

You got to try it, brother.

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That's so awesome.

Why buy Super Speciosa?

It's because you deserve the highest quality product.

Real quick, everyone on the podcast that doesn't have a little S penis say yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

That's everybody.

Yep.

No, so you deserve the highest quality products and service.

That's another reason to buy Kratom is because you deserve it.

You deserve it.

And they'd strive to give you that at every step of the way.

They got a 30-day guarantee.

If you're not happy, then neither are they.

They're so fucking pissed.

They want you to make it.

If they hear that you're unhappy, they're they're like, no.

I'm like, damn, I just got a hankering and do like a jigsaw puzzle.

I don't know what happened.

There's something wrong with my brain.

Every like six months, I'll have this thing that's like, do a medieval theme jigsaw puzzle.

I don't know where it comes from, but it's like getting a thousand-piece Robin Hood jigsaw puzzle.

You're starting 3D.

You know what it is?

It's like

your destiny is to be a fucking like a Renfaire guy.

No, it's just to be a hobbyist.

No.

Is it work at a hobby store and recommend different kinds of balsa wood to make like model biplanes?

Yeah,

if your dig was any, it was wood, it would be balsa wood.

Mine would be old oak, delicious,

aged.

Yours would also be balsa wood.

Mine would be a native carved.

Actually, yours would be carved totem.

Trust in quality.

Styrofoam.

We subject our parsing.

Styrofoam, bitch.

You know what I said.

You said like Spyro the Dragon.

Spyrodome.

Spiro Dome.

Are we living in a system of justice or is this some kind of Mad Max Spirodome situation?

That my client can't get a fair trial just because he's got a Jerry Curl and a Velora tracksuit and Gucci slippers.

I know what you think.

You look at Derek Chaveen, you think he ain't.

And it was the beep heard around the world.

And somehow also the lawyer was convicted of murdering to that display.

They were both immediately prosecuted to death.

Like, there's got to be no way that he's.

Like, you have to prosecute him.

The system knows that because if he doesn't go to jail, there's going to be riots.

I think he's probably going to get off somehow.

They always get off.

They always get off.

I don't think that's going to be.

Kyle Ridden has.

Kyle Rittenhouse will get off for sure.

But the Shaveen guy, it's like there's too much.

Although the one cop in South Carolina they caught on camera, he did go.

He shot a guy in the back.

He's like one of the only guys that.

Something fucked up is going to happen.

There's no way he's going to get off.

I mean, getting them even to trial is like a big deal.

Well, who cares?

Yeah.

The point is.

I mean, we care.

They should let, they should let me orchestrate that defense.

Yeah.

Find that lawyer.

The whole thing.

The Joker makeup.

You can't.

You can find Valor tracksuit, the Gucci slippers.

Have a mentally ill lawyer in Joker makeup.

Call Derek Chaveen the N-word.

Yes.

And some.

Oh, I see.

So that way.

He definitely goes to jail.

Is that what you're saying?

Well, yeah, I mean, it's kind of a,

but it would, it would really start a conversation.

It would make people think.

It would really open up the dialogue in America in a way.

And that's what we need.

We need more talking, a little bit less yelling at one another.

And what we really need, though, is getsuperleaf.com.

Yeah.

Slash come town.

Are we done?

Slash come town.

Getsuperleaf.com.

We're done.

You can also check out patreon.com/slash come town.

Oh, yeah.

If you want to hear the conclusion to this argument

wherein Adam and Stav admit that I was 100% right.

That doesn't happen about what?

Anything prior to this segment?

And anything further, because this is being edited in in post, this part of the conversation.

No, it's not.

It's happening right now.

We almost forgot.

And in the next 10 minutes, we'll have a discussion about something else.

We will.

The topic of discussion is is almost certainly.

And I'll tell you right now, folks, it's going to be funny to listen to because they'll be disagreeing with me until the cows come home.

But this part, which is being edited in after.

It's not being edited in.

You're doing it in the middle of the flow of the episode.

A lot of people as a broadcaster listen to you, Nick.

And remember this.

And I'm not going to be sleeping you said.

And this part, which is later.

It's not.

It's 3.09

on March 30th right now.

It was like 3 o'clock when we started that plot.

That's right.

Don't ever tell them what time it is.

Yeah.

I don't want these people knowing.

They got to think the show's done at 7 o'clock in the morning.

That

we're in some Bruce Springsteen-ass refinement.

Yes, we work hard.

We wake up, we have our black coffee at the diner together, and then we take our five-week podcast, then we have lunch.

Well, Bruce would actually, you know, he felt bad about portraying himself as this working-class kind of guy.

Really, he lived a life of luxury that he would get up at 4 a.m.

every day and pimp himself out.

He'd

go out.

He'd just hit 95, and he'd be at the

Thomas Edison service station.

Ass wide open.

With ass wide open.

Yeah, that's where that song comes from.

The Springsteen truck.

Well, no, it's

Scott.

Foster.

Stapp.

Scott Stapp was a young boy, and he walked in on...

In in New Jersey and he walked in on Bruce Springsteen being raped in a truck stop.

Well, I thought he was pimping himself out.

And he's he walked.

Then he, when he became older, he learned that.

But at the time,

he didn't understand what was going on.

He asked his father, who was Christian.

He said, Why is Bruce Springsteen having gay sex?

I thought that was a sin.

And he said, No, he's being raped.

It's against his will.

It's the only way his father could stomach it.

He's still the boss.

He's not doing gay shows.

Come on.

Don't say it about the boys.

It wasn't consensual.

And that's.

So if you know how to edit genius.com.

Yep.

Is that editable?

Yeah.

Is that website still even a thing?

Because Google can do that now.

Can do what?

You can annotate?

Annotate songs.

I don't fucking know, dude.

Who gives a fuck?

The point is, go to patreon.com slash come town and buy the fucking premium.

To hear Adam and Stav admit they were

about the upcoming

debate.

We won't.

There's no upcoming debate.

The intellectual master off.

The intellectual suck me off more like it.

And go to stavi.biz and pick up a couple Stavros Halkius approved t-shirts.

You know how they had like Gary Kasparov play chess against a computer?

Yeah.

Or they do a thing where like a woman has to compete against a Roomba.

That'd be awesome.

Yeah.

With her mouth.

Cleaning.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

Oh, I thought sucking dick.

No, you've been.

Just a woman versus IBM flashlight.

That's beautiful.

Deep pink.

That would be cool.

Yeah.

I do really want to put my dick in one of those Chinese dick sucking machines.

Yeah.

Have you seen those?

How good are burn banks?

They look awesome.

It's sort of like a bidet for guys.

Exactly.

Yeah.

They should have that urinal.

You should be able to take a shit and get your dick sucked at the same time by a robot.

A blumpkin.

A blumpkin.

An e-blumpkin.

Yeah.

dude, we might have to sell that.

We should.

That would be a pretty good invention.

I would love to get suggest

on Shark Tank.

Yeah.

It's a bidet, but it sucks your dick also.

So far, sharks, our prototype is just

a pulley, a lever and a pulley system.

We put a fleshlight on one side of it, and you have to tug it yourself.

Weren't you just here with a Groucho Marx mask on trying to sell a laser pointer that you put on the top of your dick?

No.

shut up, number one.

Yeah, no,

number two, I'm getting out of here, and you're like angrily packing up, and the dots going all over the thing.

Your dick sound is flopping around with a laser,

just blinding everybody.

That was some other guy.

Wow, look at this machine.

What machine?

Chinese dick sucking machine.

Wow, look at it, go.

It looks awesome, right?

The best top,

the best top I've ever had in my life was somebody she kept incredible

rhythm.

I wanted

a dick sucking machine.

And that is what I think

right here in my apartment.

Right in front of the couch.

It's obvious what it is, but it looks like the chef from the Chuck E.

Cheese band.

Yeah, that'd be awesome.

And so people come over and they're like, what's that?

I'm like, check this out.

Yeah.

Then they're gone, and I'm my eyes rolling back.

Getting my dick sucked by that chef.

Yep.

The only human, right?

Everybody else was a fucking

animals.

I think the story of Chuck E.

Cheese is that that chef stopped taking his medicine.

Yeah,

he got rabies from a couple fucking rats and a little bear or whatever the fuck it was.

Yeah.

Oh, was there like a bird?

Yeah, the bird

in that band?

Yeah, she was hot, dude.

Imagine this guy just sucking.

Yeah,

dude.

That's so fucked up.

Gene shallot.

Yeah.

It does look like Gene Shalet.

It looks like Ian.

It does honestly look exactly like what's going on, man.

Hey, okay.

Is it time to sucker that?

Dude, things have been going really good lately.

I started a band with a rat and a duck.

I'm sucking dick for a living, and I'm in a band with a rat and a duck.

Yeah, we're bringing ska back.

It's a ska band.

It's me, a duck, a rat, some kind of purple monster that represents my gay impulses

and a dog And a basset hound.

Oh, yeah, the hound, of course.

Yeah, you know what?

The fucking bird bitch could catch a dick.

Oh, they made her hot now.

The bird bitch?

They gave her regular people legs.

Like sexy legs?

It's just a person wearing yellow tights now in the reboot of it.

This one's funny, the old version.

It looks like a certain podcast.

Casasista.

Let me see.

Oh, my god.

That thing is fucked up looking.

Andy also works as a pizza man, ironically.

Oh, okay.

Very funny.

Very funny.

Wait, was there a pig?

Oh, someone's excited at the possibility

of a relationship.

Oh, I just don't remember there being a pig.

A possibility.

I'm not.

I don't want to fuck with you.

Representation.

That would not be representation.

Yes, it would be.

In what sense?

I'm not a pig, am I?

Nick.

Answer the question.

I'm pleading the fig.

It has nothing to do with you.

You're not accused of anything, so you can't bleed the fig.

I reserve the right to.

Chuck E.

Cheese Pig.

There was a pig, I think.

That's awesome.

Because they're cute.

Sucky D's nuts.

Mm-hmm.

Harmony Howlette.

Who's that?

That's a different one.

You can howl that to my dick.

Madam Oink.

There's somebody named Madam Oink.

Damn.

There was a Texas dog broad that they had for a while, I guess.

A Texas dog broad?

It's Foxy Colleen.

No, it's Hannah Howlett.

Or Harmony Howlett.

Look at Foxy Colleen.

No, that bitch looks terrible.

No.

Yeah, she looks awful.

No, she doesn't.

Yeah, she does.

Fuck you, dude.

Oh, actually, she looks pretty hot.

Yeah.

Damn.

I would legitimately fuck that thing.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I would fuck

that animal with big tits.

Yeah, shout out the retarded women who are really into being from Texas.

Okay, shout out to them.

Who are those women?

You know what I'm talking about.

Like, they wear the hat and shit.

Anybody that's into their dumb thing.

Big hat, big tits.

Big hat, big tits, big ass.

Sounds good to me.

Sign me up for the rodeo.

Tassels.

Oh, yeah.

The western wear shit.

They're handicapped women, the dudes.

No, they're not.

I don't mean retard.

I mean, retarded and texted.

Stupid women.

Yeah.

Late.

Jasper T.

Giles.

Mentally retarded.

Jasper T.

Giles, I think, was the retarded character.

Oh, he released an album in 2020 called Every Day is a Birthday.

Wow.

I was recently listening to the latest Jasper T.

What does it sound like?

Play it, dude.

Uh, yeah, let's go ahead and listen to baby music.

It's actually pretty good.

All right, let's see.

It's on Apple Music.

Yeah.

Um,

yeah, okay, this is Jasper TJ,

not bad.

Well, come on, man, get to it, Jasper.

Nah, this is.

Yeah, this is...

I guess it's a Chuck E.

Cheese album.

Well, this is like ambient fucking house music.

I don't know, it's pretty good.

I don't mind it.

Well, don't sell him short just because he's an anthropomorphic dog from Chuck E.

Cheese, dude.

Every day is a birthday is a pretty good album.

There's no way this is him.

It is.

There's no lyrics?

You just show me a Google thing.

You're not showing me where you're playing this thing.

No, it's playing from Google.

No, you're playing something else.

No, it's.

Well, this is a.

No, I'm being had.

You're not being had.

What is this?

You've never been had in your life.

Go to Spotify or Apple Music or something.

I'm not a dunce, bro.

I know this isn't everywhere.

That's what all their music sounds like, dude.

This is Dream Big Kids Inspirational Song, Chuck E.

Cheese.

This shit sucks.

What the fuck is this bullshit?

Pretty good.

This shit sucks, dude.

Boo.

This isn't fun.

Little kids like

Jasper sing like this, like a woman.

Okay, actually, this is pretty good.

on my way to come and save the day.

I snatched you from his claws and we were out of there.

And I'm gonna dream.

Duck peek it.

Okay, if you're just tuning in, we're reviewing

listening to Lovers and Friends, the Chuck E.

Cheese Band music podcast.

We check out some sweet tunes from the Chuck E.

E.

Cheese band.

Which suck dick.

Is that Carly Ray Judson's?

This is Helen Henney's classic hit, Dream Big.

She's a hen, that chick?

Chuck E.

Cheese.

Let's see.

What are their videos?

They don't have good music, dude.

Crochet all day, Chuck E.

Cheese.

It's not peppy enough for me, dude.

This one's this is pretty good.

This is Stav trying to put his clothes on in the morning.

Recently, I've been spending a little more time at home.

This should stop listening.

This is pretty good.

Yep.

Here we go.

Chuck E.

Cheese Spring Break Dance.

Let's see if this one's good.

Hi, everyone.

We're having a blast here today during our springtastic celebration, aren't we?

You know,

I have a fun dance for us to do here today.

It's my spring break break dance.

Don't worry.

You don't have to be a professional break dancer to do this one.

Okay, but like, has break dancing even been a thing for like 25 years?

No, it's more than that.

What child is like, yeah, I'm into break dancing.

I'm into boom boxes.

This is 1985.

Crack has decimated my community.

Man, I need a high top fade and some Terminators.

And

I did want to be able to break dance with the ball.

Oh, it seems like the coolest thing of all time.

I'm going to show you exactly what's going on.

It's not bad.

He's got bars.

But this is like so Sugar Hill Gang.

I know.

It's so outdated to release.

And when did this even fucking come out?

In 2021.

Weird.

That they did that.

Like, whoever wrote this is probably still too young to write rap music that sounds like that.

100%.

How did it happen?

Which you know means that there's

what's that?

Is it being skewered online?

No.

This is gay.

It's all children.

They're like, it's all children commenting.

Like, I'm being molested.

My favorite comments are.

They go to the Jagues YouTube videos for help.

My favorite comments on YouTube songs are like,

My brother recently had stage for leukemia and he died.

And this was his favorite song during the last couple of months.

That's your favorite?

Yeah.

That's pretty fucking fucked up.

Now,

musings with Mr.

Munch.

What the fuck is this Jack Handy shit?

Make sure they're ripping ripping off J.

Let it go.

So there's duct tape, but what about all the other birds?

Stop looking at the bottom.

Where's the goose tape and the turkey tape?

Just doesn't seem fair.

This is literally deep thoughts.

Yeah.

But shittier.

Jasper told me that the word race car spelled backwards is race car.

But how about the word race war?

Race war backwards seems like what's going on these days.

You ever notice how it's not cool to be a white man anymore?

Wonder what Mr.

Munch Backwards is

Which is a Nordic

chant that will bring about the racial holy war where the white man will finally return to his kingdom.

What is this?

A dog?

Who's singing this?

Nemanz.

Not as cool.

They call him billboards, but who is Bill?

I think he's the guy that fucked my wife.

Well, I was working at a pizza restaurant for the last 40 years.

They call him billboards.

oh man who I'm gonna submit a writing packet to the Chuck E.

Cheese website and be like look I am a Emmy award-winning

professional comedy writer

and I've got a couple of ideas have you heard of Matt about you have you heard about

the protocols of the elders exile

it's probably my most famous work

You wrote that?

Yeah.

It's a credit.

It's a credit.

You wrote staff, but you weren't.

You staffed on episodes.

I remember in high school,

the nerd lunch.

Richard Lewis being like, how about the Prozac of the Elders of Zion?

Oh, because they're depressed.

That's what we really need.

Ah, geez.

The other day,

I went to go take a picture of the urinal and I saw my dick, and I almost killed myself because it's so small.

It's small, folks.

Have you ever seen?

I was looking at my nephew.

He was just born, and I went in.

His parents were asleep.

I went in the room to get a peek, just a peek to see if this infant's penis is bigger than mine.

And what do you know it is?

So I'm telling my therapist, she calls the police.

Now I'm in jail.

I'm sucking dick for cigarettes.

That is so much funnier than

we got.

They're not even fucking me.

They're using my ass as a purse, folks.

I've got half the commissaries stored in there.

It's like the hidden compartment scene from heavyweights.

There's a Costco-sized drum of peanut M ⁇ Ms shoved up my ass so some guy named T-Bone can go in there and have a snack when his blood sugar is low.

Yes.

And now.

That's my pitch for musings with Mr.

Munch.

We get Richard Lewis.

We switch it out instead of Jack Andy because four-year-olds don't know who that is, and you're butchering it.

I forget the reference.

We get a hip also.

I mean, this has to be like a fucking 75-year-old man writing.

100%.

He's like, what if we?

It is Richard Lewis.

It's from Western.

I'm saying we should get Richard Lewis to do it.

That's who did that.

Right.

Richard Lewis.

Like, what if we do a rap?

Kids like rap.

We get Chucky and he's like, hello.

Zippy to the West.

Zippy to the East.

I like pizza, and I don't get HIV.

Just say no and look both ways before crossing the street.

You got fucking sneakers on your feet or something.

You know, a rap.

You got it.

I'm going to lunch.

Yeah.

You know, that's what rap sounds like now, right?

Damn.

I don't even know.

That's how, because that shit sounded dated when I was a child.

Yeah, exactly.

And I'm old now, and my, what I think rap is now is a guy's just like,

yeah, it's just like a guy overdosing on fucking cough.

No, not even cough syrup.

That was when I was a teenager.

The cough syrup music was great.

No, they still do lead.

They still do

codeine?

Yeah, that's true.

All right.

I'll let it slide, though.

Sanex.

Yeah, they like anti-anxiety pills.

Yeah, it's bullshit.

Fucking benzos are bullshit.

Those aren't drugs.

They take depression pills.

You're taking too much of

the shit they prescribe you for being a pussy.

That's why they're so into Richard Lewis these days.

They love

Richard Future Lewis.

Let's come full circle.

Yep.

He loves Curb.

You got to do real drugs like gasoline.

Huff that shit.

What do people say that gasoline is about pissing on a woman's pussy?

That's the Daddy Janky song.

Yeah.

I don't know if that was ever

confirmed that it means pissing on top of a woman's pussy.

I don't really see the...

This is cool.

So they have a music video called Nothing Like a Walk.

It's about going for a walk.

And it's very funny to imagine putting this on for a class of preschoolers, and one of them is in a wheelchair.

That's rude.

That's good, man.

I thought you were going to do something about a fat kid who doesn't want to go to learning.

No,

the teacher comes back and she's like, and did you guys like the video?

Whoops.

I forgot that Legless Larry was in this class.

My name's Eric.

Oh, Legless Larry.

Shut up, Larry.

Now, learn how to be a scientist.

Okay, kids, today

we're going to take off all of our shoelaces and tie them together and attach them to Larry's legs and turn him into a puppet.

I don't want to do that.

It's not up to you, Larry.

It's about making sacrifices for the class.

Because I'm hungover.

So I'm going to let them play with the kid with the legs.

I got too drunk at the field trip to Chuck E.

Cheese.

And I showed Mr.

Munch.

And I tried to fuck the chef because I thought he was a real guy.

And the width of his head made me think he had a big dick.

I saw his big head and I said, that guy's got a thick cop.

Now that's the kind of thick little python that I can wreck on.

I unzipped my jeans and pulled my pussy lips through the hole.

And then I started talking like Duke Ellington.

me.

All right, let's see what other videos are.

Damn, that's a nice, that'd be a very meaty pussy on.

Adam, get off your phone.

No, no, no.

I was trying to find this song.

Get off your phone.

I was trying to find this song that

I remember.

I was going to tell you guys.

But I remember in high school, the nerd lunch table were all laughing, right?

I was like, damn, it looks like lunchtable.

It wasn't my lunch table.

I was like, you were alone at a red table.

I was the weed.

Case closed.

No, no, that was on my table.

It was

girl power.

I'm saying this is the smart, the smart girl.

What's bailando?

Bailando is Spanish.

It means dancing.

Sometimes I feel I'm having a Chucky Cheese.

Maybe feeling a sad way, and I could break

it.

Who the fuck is this?

It's not bad.

How many views are you?

Who the fuck is this?

I just feel like.

This is a parody of this.

Hold on.

Why does it start with

this is Spanish for dancing?

Uh-huh.

And then the rest of this is just.

It might be Spanish.

Alright, well.

Bailando might be in the fucking chorus.

Alright, alright.

And I thought you were

always making me feel like a dancer.

Thank you.

True, okay.

I would absolutely go on a little Trudy's Mexmart tour and get drunk to this song.

That's the challenge.

So this song is 18 minutes and 27 seconds long.

No way.

Yeah.

Girl, how's that power?

Hold on, hold on.

Let's go to the maps and let's see.

Let's go to Trudy's, Austin.

What is Trudy's?

Trudy's is a

Tex-Mex restaurant in Austin.

And there was a thing called the Trudy's Challenge, which I don't know if it's real or if I just thought of drunk,

where they would cut you off.

You weren't allowed to order more than like two or three mechs marts because there was just a shit ton of booze in them.

And so you try to, yeah, you try to hit all three Trudy's in one day.

No chance is that a real thing.

And get cut off.

I think it's their challenge.

I think that Trudy's northbreak came up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's definitely the truth.

You drive from each one yourself.

Trudy's North Star, Trudy's Texas star, Trudy's South Star.

Trudy's North Star.

North Star, Austin, Texas.

I got to remember these places, Adam.

So please

quiet.

Please.

Sorry.

I apologize.

He's trying to remember the

channel.

Trudy's South Star.

Let's put that in there.

I'm mapping it out.

And then we're going to add a stop.

Adam, please.

That's a good song.

It's in my end.

It is pretty good.

This is, you know how hard it is to keep the audience surprised to what's going on.

Nick is on Google right now trying to figure out the remote.

Okay, done.

Okay.

So Citrudi South Star driving.

What's the verdict?

Yes.

Okay.

17 minutes to go from all three of them.

Oh, that's nothing.

Now, Bylando is an 18-minute and 27-second.

So wait, no.

You'll have to do contactless ordering.

Okay, yeah, you got to order ahead.

And the clock doesn't start until the first drink touches your lips.

But that leaves you a minute and 27 seconds to drink six Mex Marts.

And you can absolutely, remember, guys, listeners, this challenge is absolutely endorsed by the Trudies Corporation.

So you have to listen to Bylando.

Oh, it's kind of a time.

It's a time challenge with the Bylando song from Chuck E.

Cheese to get cut off at all three trudies.

It's awesome.

Change is out the bad weather.

By Lando, always makes it I'm okay.

My London.

This is good, though.

That's a good message because for children,

if you're having a bad day,

you dance.

You dance.

If you're an adult.

And if you're an adult, you drive to all three trees and you drunk, drive to all three trees.

Absolutely fucked up.

You get cut off.

17 minutes.

I can't believe how perfectly that worked out.

Wow, that's pretty smart.

17 exactly.

Now, keep in mind, you have to take,

it looks like you're going to have to take 35,

and then you cut over on, what is this, MLK, probably 30th Street?

So you got to make sure that

you cut over on Dean Keaton.

You probably should be in a motorcycle so you can lane split.

Yeah, you want to definitely be on a motorcycle.

Yeah, something.

You take Dean Keaton to 200.

Dean Keaton to what is it, Speedway?

What is that?

I don't remember Austin geography.

It's Dean Keaton to San Jacinto.

Then you hit, yeah, you hit the fucking trudies over there by the campus.

And then 29th, you're going right through the school.

I love it.

Yeah, don't get distracted by the co-ed, all the hotties.

Cock and pussy.

Right, so then you take

19-year-old cock

bobbing around.

29th over to Mopac, and then you take Mopac all the way up to fucking the to the other Trudy's up on the north side by 183.

And you can do that.

And I'm looking at Google Maps now, 17 minutes.

And this is the middle of the day.

This is 3.35 p.m.

on a...

If you are on the screen, you should be doing this late at night.

No, you want to.

There's way more traffic.

You should be doing it first thing in the morning.

Well, what time is Trudy's open?

We'll see.

Trudy's South Star.

What time do they open?

Let's check that out.

Let's call them, actually.

Okay, hit them up.

Thank you for calling Trudy's North Star.

Please hold while I try to connect you.

I'm going to ask them if they still do the Trudy's challenge.

Okay.

If you're listening at home, maybe

you want to look at pictures of like

guys or something.

Yeah, some hot guys.

You just want to get it.

Yeah.

I hope it's not like this when you try to do the challenge.

Because it's going to completely fuck it up.

It's going to fuck up your timing if you're on the phone calling the next place, trying to order the drinks beforehand.

You might need a cover.

Order two.

You need someone in the sidecar of the motorcycle working the phones yeah while you're driving drunk i would love that dude and they got to be dressed like the dog from chuck e.

cheese

you're dressed like chucky cheese

you're like it's the bylando

it's the bylando trudies challenge i'm trying to get fucked up

please hold while i try to connect you thank you

just taking so long what are they swamped i'm not i'm not waiting on that come on dude we call a different different truth.

Call the one in the South Star one?

Okay.

No, call the one on campus.

Ask if any chicks are over there right now.

I don't think there is.

Okay, you want to do that?

Yeah.

Oh, hold on.

These are all temporarily closed.

Oh, geez.

For what?

For COVID?

I thought Texas was open.

Yeah, what the fuck?

These must be one of those

fucking liberal ass Austin.

Yeah, faggot Austin.

Fucking bullshit.

All right, let's do the Houston challenge.

Let's do the Houston Bilando challenge.

Yeah, but I don't know if they have.

Do they have Trudies in Houston?

I hope to God they do.

I've never been to Truthies.

I just typed in fucking Houston and Google Maps.

Look at the middle of the map.

The Holocaust Museum.

The biggest thing in Houston, according to the map, I type in, is the Holocaust Museum Houston.

It's got its own icon.

It's massive.

Yeah.

What the fuck is the Houston Holocaust Museum?

Was it really important?

Well, I tell you, folks, it was one of the worst hootanes they've ever done had in the world.

Now, I agree.

A couple of them German fellas decided the bankers had to go.

And they formed a posse and ran them all the way out

right to the fringes of what they're polling town.

And a couple of Jews, they decided to do a resistance.

One of them is good with books.

She wrote a little bit about her titties in it, and they kept it a secret up in the closet.

We got that very book right here, folks.

It's called Anne Frank's Diary.

You can read about her first Menses.

I remember jacking off to it when I was a boy no older than you, young man.

What's your name?

Leaf?

Come up here, Leaf.

Let me take a look at your penis.

You can see here.

Everybody look at this boy's penis.

What do you notice?

Well, how's it different from mine?

It's cuter.

No, mine's got a tip on it.

Because I'm from an older time back when we thought that was wrong.

And see, the young boy now, because enough Jews have repopulated themselves.

They've spread their disgusting ideas like circumcision around.

Interesting.

Let me ask you something, Parker.

Yes.

Is there something else, some kind of other product that you're interested in, maybe?

No, I'll tell you what.

I'm here because

I was doing the Trudeau's challenge, and Barlando, I cut off.

I failed.

Yeah.

And there was nothing better to do but to hang out at the Houston Holocaust Museum doing free-guided tours and insisting the child shows penis hard.

That's all well.

I guess what I'm wondering is:

do you have either trouble getting your penis hard or do you like to gamble?

Neither of those have anything to do with CBD penis.

No, not this week.

Just checking.

Oh, so you only like Kratom?

I only like Kratom.

Just checking, because

usually we've been doing two.

This week, I got stuck in the middle of negotiating a

six-read buy with another company that wanted me to take some weird experimental fucking pill.

And I said,

I'm better off without the $3,000.

Okay, back to the child's penis you wanted to look at.

No, I think I'm all right.

I've hurt my throat doing that guy.

That's a good guy.

Yeah, he's a good kind of guy.

I've hurt my throat doing that guy.

A sentence Adam has said many times in his life.

No, I've never said that.

Yeah, dude.

You just said it to me.

One of Adam's famous sentences

as printed on the Adam statue

at the Houston Holocaust Museum.

Back in the Castro district, they called me.

The statue of Adam on his knees, and underneath it, it's inscribed, I'd rather live on my knees than work a day in my life.

Yeah.

Listen, when you love what you do,

you have no work at all.

You don't work a day.

Yeah, you don't work a day.

Well, anyways, come.town.

Or, yes, I guess that's also patreon.com slash come.town.

It's where you can hear us attempt the Trudy's challenge.

We will be doing it live.

And we will be forcing Adam to drink and drive.

I had a second steering wheel installed in Adam's car in the passenger seat for when we go to lunch.

And

I have my eye on everything.

Yeah, you have like a driver's head car.

It was my birthday present to Adam is having a second steering wheel installed in his car

for when i'm when we go to lunch and i i can decide

can i can i uh and that's the yeah i can i'll play us off oh okay are we still playing yeah go ahead no you hit the button or no i did hit the button so are we on still no we're off i just want to play

Are we on or off?

We're off.

I just want to play you guys a song that I remembered.

Go ahead.

The nerds were listening to in high school and they were laughing.

And I was like, why are you guys laughing?

They said this is the gayest song.

Play it.

Yeah, I'll play it.

It's from.

Let me see.

We have a scarf for Skywalker right here.

And perfume for the princess.

I don't know what this is.

Hello.

Couldn't we get him here?

What can he?

Couldn't we get him?

Star Wars.

He gave gave him a cone.

Nice man.

Really good stuff, man.

Well, that was definitely worth it.

Dude, I think

it was pretty good.

That was awesome, dude.

You don't like that?

That was fucking hilarious.

When do you get a Wookiee for Christmas?

I know, I know, I know.

When he already has a cone.

I get it.

So it's really good.

Such a funny contribution.

That was awesome.

What do you mean that's not a contribution?

That was awesome and was definitely going to work not in the rhythm of that being mentioned.

It was definitely funny enough to work against the momentum.

So I thought

the show was over.

For 45 minutes.

I wasn't zoned out.

I got to get this.

Somebody talked about it.

I was trying to remember the name of that song.

And don't do the math.

On how long Adam.

From the moment he talked about it for a while.

Somebody call colomarticia?

No, don't.

Stop doing the math.

Oh, that's over.

Hit the button.

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