Ep. 252 – cholos for cancer

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We recently did a test on your asshole.

It turns out that you

enjoy it.

You know, how about like you know the buttercup flower?

Just rubbing that on someone's asshole and being like, oh, it looks like he's gay.

It turned yellow.

What happens with the buttercup?

You rub buttercup out of me when I take it away.

Is it the one that gets pollen on you?

You look like you wanted to chime in.

No, I don't know actually what you're talking about, but I assume the yellow stuff is pollen.

Buttercup, rub it underneath your chin.

And if it turns yellow, you like butter.

Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah.

Does it happen for everybody?

Yes.

Oh.

Oh, it's one of those old wives.

That's part of the trick.

Interesting.

What's up with these damn old wives?

No?

They're just budgeting.

Old women sitting around a table going, I heard Adam Friedland is a job.

No, they don't say that.

They don't say that.

And then some new wives come in.

They're like, we heard that too.

That's an old wife.

And they're like, oh, and then some medium-aged wives come in.

I was at Wegmans a week ago, and Adam Friedland was sucking cock and talking

at the Navy Yard wedding.

That's quite a tale.

Is that a fact?

At the Navy Yard West.

It's quite a tale.

Well, it's one of many I have of that.

And I'm a man that's not a wife to anyone, and I also know that's.

Honestly, only old wives would

everyone else.

I have his doctor on the phone.

No,

not again.

Dr.

Mark Sloan.

It's true.

Oh, wow.

Adam, I didn't know your doctor was Dick Van Dyke's character.

Trying to do this murder.

Trying to solve a murder at the nursing home.

It seems that

no one was in the room with her at the time, but her heart exploded.

Yes.

And so they think maybe she was poisoned.

Doc, I finally got the evidence back.

It turns out Adam Friedland was sucking cock in the parking lot.

That lady, that was her son.

That's she found out he was gay and she had a heart attack and died.

She fucking died because

Adam Friedland sucked his cock.

Yeah, someone's an old bowl of fruit, if you know what I mean.

A big old Chiquita basket.

Hey, guys, you're going to want to watch Diagnosis Murder if you're going to be listening to this show for me.

We're getting into this new show because we will be watching it every time before the regular episode.

Yeah, the box of raisins where his fucking brains are supposed to be.

And they were making him do gay shit.

Wow.

That is a good thing.

If you're gay.

Dr.

Mark Sloan came by earlier.

It turns out Edith's grandson was a homo, and that's why she died.

But you'll never guess whose cock

who was sucking his cock.

Was it Adam?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Adam fumbled an entire football team into his act.

I don't know how.

You know when a football team fumbles and the whole everyone on the field kind of piles on trying to pretend they got the ball?

That's what an entire football team did to Adam's ass.

They made it extra gay by doing a two-inch conversion where they gave him a reacher out.

The two-inch conversion.

But they gave him the reacher out and they converted his dick into a clit.

Officially speaking.

They flipped it like a clit.

Like you would.

They kind of flicked it up and down instead of jacking him off.

it wasn't big enough.

Is that what happened to you, Adam?

Who fumbled it now?

Just to be.

Who's who's the.

Why don't we?

Why don't we.

You're going to come into this nursing home, young man, and try to say the tales are wrong.

I'm sick of these damn old wives.

Well, as we noted, it's also young wives.

Oh, Janice, I forgot to tell you, last week I I took a flight to Las Vegas.

Oh, no.

And there was a young man on the plane, and he was letting everyone shoot in his mouth.

And that boy's name was Adam Friedman.

Were you really doing that, Adam?

No, but it is.

Yes,

yes, he was.

It sounds like

he was doing it the whole flight.

It sounds like, it sounds like.

And when we landed,

the jetway wasn't working, so Adam

bravely volunteered.

They pulled the plane into his ass, and we all.

He parachuted down?

We all walked through his ass and out of his mouth into the airport.

So he parachuted down to allow the plane somewhere to land?

No, but it was taxiing.

Oh, it was taxiing.

I hate when they say taxiing.

Why?

Because he sucked cock in a taxi.

Because taxiing is.

When they say driving.

Taxi Taxiism is when he hangs out on the east side of Central Park at night and asks strange men if they want to split a cab.

It's too dangerous in Central Park.

Which serves too.

It's like cruising, but you do it outside the park.

And he gets to save money.

He's saving money.

That's right.

Just another old wives' tale.

Yeah.

But often.

Which is once again not true.

Which is true.

No.

Old wives' tales aren't true.

That's the point of them.

No, that's

old wives' tales.

Wow.

Oh, gosh.

I'm talking about a group of old women that always tell the truth.

That are very

old truth tellers.

They're in the nursing home

talking about you.

Telling the truth in there.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh, right.

The plane went in his ass.

I don't know.

And they opened the door, and then we all walked through his ass and out of his mouth into the airport.

Now, I'm confused because obviously his ass is big enough to fit a plane.

Yes.

For sure.

But I didn't realize his mouth was, too.

That's because

the people on the plane kept on.

He'd been fucked so thoroughly.

I see.

Yeah.

I see.

They call it Spit Roasting.

He's been Spit Roasting.

His whole body looked like an old condom.

Nice.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

Boneless.

Boneless and limp.

Only takes form when a cock is inside of him.

Yes.

He's like one of those waving guys.

Yeah, yeah, leaders car dealership.

Yeah, have you ever seen a Muppet without just like Kermit on the floor?

Yeah, it's fucked up.

It's sad.

That's you without a dick in your ass.

I was looking, I was actually in the market.

I was going to buy a Prius

to get around, to tour around town, and I found one, and I went to Carfax,

and you have to put the Vin in.

And so I was copying, pasting the Vin over, but I had,

previous to that, I had copies Adam's name for some reason.

Right, okay.

And I accidentally pasted that into Carfax when I searched.

And it said he was a fan.

Oh, really?

Oh, okay.

And bizarre.

You were getting the Carfax happen that also have the Adam is shown.

Did they say if I had any accidents or anything like that?

It said miles.

It said

hundreds of millions of guys.

It said every every

black fraternity chapter in the country.

Omega sci-fi.

Omega sci-fi.

That's how you actually get it.

He did the intensity.

The intensity.

The intensity in Ten Cities store.

Ted Nugent fucked his ass, too.

Wow.

See, I thought you were going to copy and paste his name into the CarFax, and it was going to say he's sucked the guys cocking every car in the world.

That also was on me.

That would be at least auto-related.

No, he was getting the facts on Adam through the website.

Can you put anyone's name in that?

They call him

the Cape Town King of Roadhead.

Wow.

And proud descendant of the tube hog, was it?

The tube hog of Cape Town.

My grandmother.

She recently celebrated her 90th birthday.

Tube hog of her.

Happy birthday to her.

Just imagine zooming into some like 90-year-old woman's birthday.

She's like out of her mind.

Yeah.

And she just starts reminiscing on all the cocks she sucked.

Yeah.

That's going to happen.

Dude, when I'm older.

We just had a Zoom birthday for

so many times.

Are you kidding me, dude?

When I'm on my my deathbed, I'm going to be thinking of, yes, my family, but 50% that shit, 50% like the best tits I ever sucked.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's one of my favorite activities, just sitting on a porch thinking about some nice breasts that have been in my mouth.

Yeah, I like doing that, too.

That's better than fucking, honestly, is thinking about it.

That sounds awesome.

For me, honestly, it's with,

I don't know, in about

15 minutes, I can say whatever.

Jessie May is like, what you think about, boss?

I'm like, just the Lord.

Who's that?

Jesse Mae?

Jessie Mae.

She works around the

property.

She's haying.

She's a paying fantasy of your old age.

You have a woman named Jessamae who is a woman.

You have a slave?

No.

I didn't say that.

He said works.

Oh, she works.

Well, slaves work.

They're just not paid for it.

I don't know why you assume she's a slave, Adam.

Because he talks about...

You're bringing some fucked-up racism in.

Well, bringing racism.

No, Nick has an antebellum-style fantasy about his future.

We don't know anything about it except there's somebody named Jessime.

And then he's smoking a corncob pipe.

He didn't say where it is.

He's thinking about the Lord.

He said the Lord.

Which is the fake answer for the video.

I think that that kind of elicited.

Nice pair of tits.

Yeah.

It is nice to think about

fucking cans.

Yeah, speaking of

now, isn't it?

Speaking of Diagnosis Murder, we saw a nice pair of old lady tits.

We did.

We did.

Episode 3, the episode with Dom De Louise that we just watched.

That's right.

I'm so glad I I got this show.

I've been trying to sell people on You were absolutely correct, bro.

Honestly, quite possibly the worst television.

You've been talking about it, and I was like, that doesn't sound that good.

But then seeing it, I'm like, this is one of the things I've ever seen in my life.

Fuck, what was that lady with the big tits' name, that redhead?

She was on the love boat.

Barbara Rhodes.

We looked.

You couldn't see her tits.

They don't.

If you search Barbara Rhodes nude, nothing comes up, but she could absolutely get a fucking prick a deal in her in her honestly in her old age, too.

Oh, by the way, I saw a picture of your penis earlier and I was hoping I could jack off to it.

Oh, man.

And then if you search

Barbara Rhodes nude, you don't see her, but you do see some incredible big-ass

conical breasts.

From, let's see what this lady's name is, and you guys can just look her up.

What was the reason?

Miss December 1968, whoever that is, good God Almighty.

From Playboy Magic.

I would honestly shoot Adam in the head to be able to fuck this woman.

She's probably Stop Ross.

Well, the one in the picture.

Cynthia McCarthy.

What was the reason for the conical breasts?

I don't care.

And I wasn't pissed that their breasts.

Bras were that shape.

And they molded women's breasts to be that shape when you took the bra off.

I want them back if that's the case.

You don't see those.

You really don't.

You know, that's an old style of breasts.

You really don't.

and I'm kind of pissed off.

I haven't seen a conical titty in my time.

I would like to see a funnel-shaped tit.

Yeah.

Well, you know what, Adam?

You're pissing me off.

Talking about how much you like tits, okay?

Why do you?

Come on to my corner.

I'm the guy who likes titties.

Your corner.

I'm on the titty corner.

I'm a guy, dude.

I'm a fellow like any other fellow.

I've never wanted to see breasts.

I've never wanted to see breasts.

Not really.

All right.

Back me up, ridiculous conversation.

Back me up, you know.

Yeah, whatever he said is the thing.

Thank you.

You've never been that big of a fan of big-ass titties.

You know it.

Never.

And you fucking know it.

I've fallen in love and out of love.

You know, I was at the animal shelter last week.

No, stop it.

I'm sick of these damn old wives.

You don't even know what he's going to say.

And there was.

Wow, this is rude.

It's going to be a little bit of a damn thing.

There was a woman there with the biggest tits I've ever seen, and even I got horny.

And I'm some old cunt.

I'm some old tried.

I'm just some old dumb bitch.

And Adam came in, and everyone was hooting and hollering at this lady with a big titch, and we were spraying Mountain Dew all over her shirt.

That's right.

That's it.

Classic

big titty tooth.

That was the fucking animal shelter.

Everyone's

brain mountains.

At the Bushwick Gibbs.

At the Bushwick Gives.

Here he comes at him, and what does he do?

And he started throwing up his side of the dress.

That's not true.

And he was like, can anyone help me?

I've got to get

my kale mandarin orange

big lunch that I had.

One leaf of kale.

It's nice putting mandarin oranges in a salad.

I would just say that.

Me and my girlfriend made lunch today.

It's fucking french fries made out of dust and old daddy longlegs boiled.

Soy sauce, daddy long legs.

Well, at least I have a girlfriend.

That's the main point of that.

And no, he doesn't.

He was lying.

He was lying.

And then

he said, somebody needs to help me get all these bugs back into my stomach that I ate.

And also, there's a giant boa constrictor in my ass.

And there's a giant boa constrictor in his ass, and he threw up from seeing the big tits.

And how did he get the lunch back in his stomach?

A man with a large penis put all the vomit on his dick.

He said, Well,

I don't mean to step out of mind here, but he having to talk like that, too.

I'm the janitor.

The amount of vomit here looks to be exactly the same size as my kind.

Right.

So, if we want to put it back into your stomach, the most efficient way is to lube up my cot with all your nasty ass lunch, and then I fuck it back into your mouth and ass.

Oh, and his ass, hit him from both sides.

How did it?

You said I got it back into my stomach.

Well, from the ass and from the man, I don't know.

With enough force, and you know what happened?

Yeah, that man worked so hard that he had a heart attack and he died.

Wow, Adam has caused the death of two people.

That's disgusting.

The grandma whose heart explodes.

Vomit off of a man.

Well, don't.

It is disgusting.

And you've been in it.

You did it.

Why are you saying it like it's something like Nick made up?

Listen, are you calling this?

It's the old woman online.

I'm not even here, dude.

No, it's the old lady.

I was fucking.

Nick went to the bathroom.

Shit, this old woman is nasty.

I've been hanging out in the auto zone parking lot.

That's right.

Trying to get a job.

That's right.

Some of us have to afford the equipment for this show.

Yeah.

A lot of people don't realize this, but the Patreon money basically every month has to go to new gear.

Well, and reconstructive surgery for Adam's asshole.

That's it.

That's it.

That's true.

All of that.

Yeah.

He's getting the slack back.

Paying royalties to those women in the nursing home, the truth tellers.

That's right.

The truth tellers.

The lone

gunman.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

I don't like those ladies.

I like them.

I think they're really cool.

You know, last week,

my grandson, he showed me how to hack into Adam's bank account.

Why?

Wouldn't you believe there's been a daily Venmo payment to a man named Bruno?

How much?

$80.

$80?

What?

To a man named

Did they caption it anyway?

Yes, there's always the winking and then the eggplant emoji

or some variation.

So

what do I pay?

It's always the bride emoji and then an eggplant and then the black police officer and then five spaces and then the binoculars and the smiling nerd.

It's not nice.

Come on, that's not true.

Really, every day you pay $80

for that.

That's not true.

I swear, I swear.

That's interesting.

Because I'm just kind of parsing the tea leaves here.

It seems like we've added a whole new dimension to gay.

Adam who's been very gay so far in your old truth tellings.

Yeah.

Now he appears to be a cuckold as well.

No, like a voice, I guess.

Yeah, a cuckold.

That's very, this is a very dynamic guy.

You don't believe.

We've been friends for how long?

You can't believe this.

You know what, though, Adam?

You don't know people sometimes.

You don't really know everything

with their inner lives.

You don't, really.

I tell you all, you know all of my inner lives.

Well,

that could be a little bit of you kind of throwing us off the scent.

Red herring with all the stuff you say.

To hide the fact that you're really gay and want to watch your girlfriend get fucked by a black guy named Bruno

who's dressed as a police officer or is a police officer.

It's not exactly clear, but.

No member of

the force would be engaging in prostitution.

That's all I'm saying.

It's very implausible.

And for 80s.

Every day.

It's not that much money, really, for sex work.

Yeah, but it adds up.

It's like $50,000 a year.

Yeah, $80, I guess.

Every day.

I guess if it is.

Oh, boy.

So that's a lot of labor.

It is.

And he could get in real trouble with the force for you telling tales out of school like this.

I'm a sex worker.

Is it also the jailer?

Same guy?

Is that how you met Bruno?

He fucked your ass and mouth.

He fucked the mom and you were like, I like the way you work that tool.

I got an idea for it, actually.

I'm just a jailer.

What size pants are you, you, Bruno?

Moonlight is a police officer that specializes in brides.

He was studying for his detective's exam.

The banana.

The banana.

Is there a nerd emotion?

Yeah, you know there's a lot of people.

Oh, this nerd who sends it to Bruno every day.

The nerd smiling.

This is your receipt.

It's their last sit.

It's your free.

We heard the old lady say they hacked into your bank account.

They saw your bedmost, dudes.

I only do private transactions.

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All right.

None of this fucking.

It's a little brown envelope.

Could be anything.

You think you're some sort of spy.

Could be

getting a dossier.

It could be a bill from the fucking nursing home.

That's right.

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Telling true stories about certain podcasters.

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You chew.

You chew the Blue Chew.

You chew on it the way Adam chews on his upper lip in

ecstasy when a man fucks his ass.

I guess bottom lip.

Bottom lip is more than that.

Yeah, it is bottom.

That's how you chew the blue chew.

Just like that.

Yeah.

I want boocho.

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There are two different types of boo-chew.

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Nope, you're not allowed to say that.

Oh, you're not.

No, yeah, that was one of the, there was a bunch of shit.

They're like, you can't say.

Okay, well, we're not.

Well, we don't know what's in it.

We don't know what it makes your dick hard.

But it gets you real hard.

I don't think we're allowed to say that either.

You can't say you get your dick hard?

I think that's the only thing you're allowed to say, actually.

There's something you're not allowed to say.

You can use it to fuck an ape if you want.

We can say that

they explicitly said that.

Yeah, they said you're allowed to use it to fuck animals.

Really?

That's what they so they sent a very lengthy email about what we're allowed to say.

I'm still pulling up the email.

One of them was that you're allowed to fuck animals.

Off the top of my head, I think that was one of the things.

Okay, so I use it to have sex with women personally.

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Getting your dick hard.

Yeah, that's pathetic.

Dude, those.

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They can't even get their dickheart.

I went to Defani's the other day, and there were like three old Italian guys having like just the

wildest conversation.

Hell yeah.

They covered every topic.

Cuomo, transgender stuff, racism.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

And it was like a five-minute

window.

Yeah.

But one of them was going off.

He's like, it's Staten Island High School.

They got a high school in Staten Island.

They got a transgender day.

Were you sure?

You won't be a girl that day?

All yours, pal.

You show up in a fucking dress.

They do it.

They got a transvestite teaching a transgender class

to fucking fourth graders.

I mean, it's like

Staten Island High School.

In the Staten Island High School.

And then they're arguing.

One of them's so old and so Italian that everything he says is just like air escaping a stomach.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm angel number.

What are you talking about?

This guy, what are you doing?

What's he know?

What's he fucking known?

Are they holding it down for Cuomo?

Why the hell?

This guy knows.

One of those.

They like Cuomo Philip Paisley.

One of them says, like, I don't like the guy, but I'm going to tell you right now, what's happening is wrong.

The best take there is.

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Yeah, no, they hit it out of the park.

Every fucking one.

But the one is like, at one point, the guy's like, one of them goes, hey, I don't care what it is.

You pee standing up, you're a guy.

That's all.

You sit down, you're a girl.

You want to piss sitting down, then you can be a girl.

And it's like, they probably do that.

I do it half the time.

I like to piss.

I like to have, I like to put my dick in the water and then piss under the water.

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Yeah, yeah.

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So no one knows.

No one can hear you.

In space, no one can hear your stream.

No, no, I can hear you piss.

Yeah.

And then halfway through, when it was like really getting hot, one of them's like, well, how about this?

Let's talk college basketball for a second.

Oh, yeah.

This is March Madden.

Much for this.

Shout out to Loyola of Chicago.

Are they still in it?

Chef Boyola.

They have a fat guy.

Shouts out to fucking Sister Jean.

What is she doing?

She's still alive, bro.

You don't remember Sister Gene?

How old is she?

She's like 99 now or some shit.

So she's rooting for the boys?

Yeah, she's there.

You don't remember this?

I don't pay attention to boys basketball, dude.

Shut the fuck up.

I don't know.

Sister Jean was a fucking

powerhouse, a tour de force.

And she's back.

She was at the tournament.

She's been there before.

Cheering.

I think I've seen pics of it before.

Yeah, you better have.

Yeah, I looked at pics of that old time.

Anyway, not only that, but tomorrow

is what?

Greek Independence Day.

Okay, okay.

Gustipe empti martíu

Segnoriz a potinoci

to I don't remember

police

Suck the ability

out of the baby.

Yeah, no.

Yes, I broke

your own

left area.

Smack the baby up a bit before you leave.

No, you don't.

Just put a little extra sting on it.

No, that's not the Greek national anthem.

I just want to say shout out to the whole fucking team.

Suck my dick, dick the ottoman empire yeah you fucking motherfuckers yeah empire

on our shit list the sultan the ottoman empire a group of fags

amen on this day uh amen brother imagine it imagine an entire country filled with fags a place called the turkish zone

why are you making me sit on the ottoman right now too many as a fucking to show them that's a sign for the turks even jews are sit on you.

Oh, that's even Jews rank above you, Turks.

Yeah, that's right.

Take that.

And if you haven't heard at home, I've graduated from the box to the Ottoman.

Imaginable.

Adam now has an Ottoman.

Nick has given me an Ottoman to sit on.

Imaginable.

Which is really just a box with

a little bit of a cushion.

I got to throw out that coffee table, and then I'm going to throw out this thing here.

That, the table mates?

Yeah.

That's nice.

A little.

No, not this.

The TV thing.

Oh, really?

Or just like...

Just mount it on the wall?

Yeah, I want any more stuff.

Mounting's nice.

I might just like...

I don't want to like...

To cut this thing to push it all the way against the wall so it forms against the baseboards would be

the effort that went into making the front of it look nice it would look like just retarded if I were to do that so I might just build something different so that there's like a ledge there for the TV

you could just mount the TV no because that's uh

that's like plaster on masonry or something.

I mean, it's like

interesting.

You would tear all that up.

I don't really want to do it.

I get it.

Your dick is small, no worries.

And it wasn't.

His dick was actually.

The reason he couldn't do it.

And it's because his dick was small.

We're not going to say his dick isn't small, but that's not the reason.

In the twins,

we can just end it with a trend.

It's sort of a roundabout logic.

It's

true.

It happened to be small.

And that wasn't because of it.

I just want to say, man, the fucking Greek independence motherfuckers, those guys rock.

There was a...

Who is

Paul Revere?

Paul Revere, all he did was say the British were coming.

Oh, like, who was your big independence?

There's a couple guys.

There's a couple good ones.

There's Kolokotroni, right?

These guys, by the way,

have incredible mustaches.

You know, he was just a leader of the revolution against the fucking Turks.

He was

a member of a group called the Kleftes.

The Kleft Lipses.

No, they didn't have Kleft Lips.

They had

It's like Kleft.

They were thieves.

They would steal from the Ottomans.

The fucking Turks came in.

Really?

Yeah.

The Turks came in and they said, fuck that.

We're not living in your little fucking Turkish zone.

We're going to the mountains to get pussy and live free.

Okay?

They never submitted.

Damn,

history rocks.

I love just sitting around imagining history.

Because reading about it, I don't like.

But I just think about

sick-ass battles.

Well, here's the best part.

And emperors.

Sometimes I'll just like study history, but in my mind.

Yeah, dude, absolutely.

I'm bad.

Here's the best part about the Kleftis, right?

Not only did they not tell the fucking Ottoman, didn't submit to the Ottomans ever,

but because they were in the mountains and they never wanted them to know where they were.

The Fraudomans.

The Fraudamans, exactly.

Look up frauding on Wikipedia.

That's what started by the Turks.

They developed a new way to cook a lamb.

By shoving it in your ass.

No, they smoked it.

Greek people weren't really smoking shit.

They didn't want to do it over an open fire, so they just fucking covered it, smoked that bitch, slow-roasted it.

Kleftiko-style lamb is delicious.

I saw Adam doing a Kleftiko-style dick socket.

So he praised it slowly in his mouth.

I was at Hudson News,

and Adam was sucking off the Bengalese man who worked with the Dunkin' Donuts

for hours over a campfire.

And he was like, sir, why are you doing this to me?

Adam said, I'm trying to prove to a different coffee shop that I'm not racist.

So I picked the most high-traffic Bengalese coffee shop, the Hudson News, Penn Station.

So I say, Adam is here to confirm.

Thank you, Adam, for proving the store to be real.

Yeah.

By confirming the details as I tell the story.

You know, I like the details.

Have you ever seen that place?

There's a place in Penn Station that's like a fucking like Steve Harvey suit kind of depot that's called

Tycoon.

I love that, and I think about that every single time.

We should go get it's crazy that that's allowed.

I mean, it is wild.

Tycoon.

T-I-E-C-O-O-N.

Wild.

Yeah.

We should go.

It's like not strong enough of a pun.

That's probably like the only day at work you ever talk about in the twenty years you worked at like the Department of Businesses or whatever in Albany.

The fucking Secretary of State.

You just do all the LLC filings.

And it's all just like John Johnson's cleaning surface.

Yeah.

And then fucking like a in an esquire you weary for gentlemen.

The name Tycoon LLC.

Yeah.

And you're like, I'm having a stroke.

I'm sorry.

This can s Martha, can you read this?

Am I seeing this correctly?

Can somebody come in here and read this for me before I start hooting and hollering and calling all of my racist friends?

I'm about to send this to Mike Rasheen.

Can someone take a look at this before I embarrass myself, before jumping the gun?

This isn't Photoshop, right?

It's real.

This is a real thing.

My friend Jordan, I remember he was telling me about

there was this idiot Chris we knew back in the day, and it was like fucking, I think I told this story, it was like late 2007.

And he was driving by somebody behind somebody with an Obama bumper sticker, and he was like, Yo, look at this.

There's some guy running named Bama.

It's like, you don't know who Barack Obama is.

It's 2000.

I forgot about that term, Bamas.

Yeah.

People in DC said that a lot.

That's true.

Look at this, Bama.

It means country.

Yeah, it means country.

I'm going downtown, baby.

Sock onto my penis.

I'm okay guy.

Please come and fuck my ass.

Shitty jito.

Shitty jitters.

Trump's starting his own social media platform.

Oh, hell yeah.

I hope it comes with snacks.

What is it?

What's it called?

It should be something like Twitter, but then you also get to.

I hope it's super successful.

Is it called Trumpler?

There's also like shrimp cocktail and crudite.

I'm not a crudite type guy.

Why?

Then you got the...

It's all dips.

It's all about the dips, dude.

It's not about the vegetables.

No, no, thank you.

What do you mean?

I mean, I like dips, but vegetables suck.

What kind of dips?

Like ranch?

I'm saying a crudité tray is made by the dips.

Honey bustard.

What kind of dips?

Tell me a dip.

I mean.

You could have a hummus.

Fuck out of here.

Why?

Fuck you.

That's why.

Hummus on a fucking celery stick that's supposed to be.

You can curse at me.

Because you're telling me crudité is good and it's bad.

Yeah, but you can't just curse me.

And even ranch, give me fucking buffalo wings.

Not ranch, dude.

The blue.

Oh, you know what?

We should get.

Oh, you can't.

You're going to die.

Fuck.

I was going to say we should get wings after this.

Oh, I would love to get wings.

There's a place in Queens.

We used to go home and eat fucking mushrooms and fucking 30%

of rice.

Say we,

meaning three.

It was not three.

I can't go.

I said we.

I had plans.

I did not say thrice the us.

Thrice the us, Show.

Commence

to the wings.

Shaljan to Queens for whatever bullshit, fucking fake wings you're going to suggest.

Yeah, where Brian.

Brian's

coming.

Brian took me to this place.

Oh, so you're copying Brian.

That is incredible.

What's it called?

It's called Breedies.

And now you're insulting Queens.

You're insulting Brian

on the show by associating yourself with.

Honestly, at first, I didn't want to blow it up, but now I want to help these people's business.

Where in Queens?

I'll look it up right now.

Like, roughly.

I'll look it up, dude.

Queens all looks the same.

Astoria.

The coppier's gambling.

Forest Hills.

It's like it's something.

Long Island Shakespeare.

It's my favorite restaurant.

What's the name?

Rego Park.

Rego Park.

On Woodhaven Boulevard.

Okay.

Yeah, Breedy's.

It has like a Tudor exterior.

It's pretty cool.

Rego Park was actually

in the 19th, that neighborhood was all like one of those.

It looks like this.

And then the place.

Nice.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I think I've seen it.

Breedy's Rego Park.

It was like a

credible wings.

Is that where everybody nuts in your ass?

No, that's just let me get you this without Rego Park.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was like an empty field.

In the 1920s, a bunch of Asian immigrants came over and they built the whole town out of Legos.

And

that's where Rego Park came in.

Interesting.

Hashtag stop Asian hate, guys.

We're going to,

if not stopping it, at least taking it down enough.

That's right.

No more mass shootings.

Let's just get it back to the LR stuff.

Let's

stop the violence.

We got got to crank the anti-Asian violence from 11.

Back to a reasonable two and a half.

Two and a half is fine.

Yeah,

it's not too much.

The volume you'd listen to, like, you know, like soft rock at.

Yeah, elevator music.

Elevator music kind of volume.

We just want a light background.

Like an air supply.

Yeah, like if I'm shopping, if I'm going to pay less and I'm looking for fucking

air walks.

Airwalks.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm trying to look like Tony Hawk, but on a budget.

But poor.

I'm trying to to be poor, Tony Hawk.

But yeah, but if you're still waiting for your dad's disability to come through, so you can get airs.

So you can get airwalks.

That kind of anti-illusion.

That's sad.

Shout out to my dad's fucking accident at Home Depot.

Shout out to literally what happened to me in third grade.

Did he get paid off that?

Fat?

I don't believe he did.

Well, he's walking down one of the aisles looking for something, and a nail caught his clothes, and it ripped all of his clothes.

And then he got circumcised by accident at Home Depot and then he like he was embarrassed and he kept falling and slipping and his dick got caught in the saw yeah

that's what happened

he cut his foreskin off

how dare they and he sued for years and they were like actually you're we're taking you to jail yeah for a decent experience if you want to see pictures of staff's father's penis you can go to patreon.com slash come to that's right and sign up for just five dollars a month you get an extra picture of his father's penis that's true wait isn't there some news No, there isn't.

Not until there is news.

Okay, there might be some news.

God damn it, Adam.

I didn't say anything.

Yes, you did.

The very

suggestion is saying something.

All right, there's no news.

You've already said by saying it again, that means that there should have been, you know,

you don't understand broadcasting.

You really don't.

How long have you been doing this?

Fucking 25 years?

Something like that.

And you still don't understand the basics.

We were young men when

he refers to me and Stop.

Thrice us.

Thrice you skipped too.

Exactly.

What do you mean?

I skipped two.

No, there is.

You're not even following the logic of brought to you by mybookie.com.

All right.

It's March Madness time, and that means mybookie.com.

AG is the place to go to bet on college sports.

It's probably the Sweet 16 right now or something.

It's around there, Sweet 16, which is the same age of girls that Stavros likes to take out.

That's not true at all.

Take out girls 16 or

you're the one who looks like Woody Allen here, pal.

All right.

All right.

I don't know if you're going to be able to do that.

Don't you even dare.

Is Woody Allen part of the stop Asian hate thing?

Well, he loves

that part of it.

I think it is.

Are they including that?

Shane Gillis using the N-word is what caused Soon Yee to be molested.

To be molested.

That's true.

There's a direct line between the two of those.

There's no way it didn't cause moles.

It's sort of like the trolley problem.

And the trolley is a guy using the N-word.

And the people on the tracks are black people.

And then the guy at the Switch is Shane Gillis.

And the other track is the Chinese

Misuswa.

So by saying it...

So you're saying Shane was definitely going to kill either a bunch of black people or a bunch of Asian people.

Yes.

And by saying the Chinese anti-Asian slurs, he switched the levers.

And you know where he said?

At mybookie.ag.

So go to mybookie.ag.

To bet on a video of Shane using the N-word.

If it's funny, you get $100.

They have a welcome bonus for people, I think 50%.

And 150% casino bonus for up to $750.

And for Adam, it's a 50-purse end.

Yeah, 50% like

you get double the purse.

That's right.

Or half the purse is on the purse.

You could also bet with a Bitcoin.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's huge.

So if you're one of those Thailand pedophile style guys,

you can use Bitcoin.

Yeah, we got a

NFTs.

Oh, yeah.

I'm still

whatever that is.

Nice fucking tits.

Nice fucking tits.

Is that what it stands for?

Yeah.

Oh, then I like them.

They're good.

I was, Yeah.

Like, you were what?

I was into tits, honestly, before.

Shut the fuck up, man.

You're pissing me off.

I'm older than you, so technically that makes me into tits.

Stephanie, it's good to see you.

No, stop it.

I don't want to hear that.

We're talking about myboogie.ag right now.

You just told us you missed it.

There was a story

about the animal shelter.

That's true.

No.

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And it's bracket season right now, baby.

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You know what that means?

March madness, which we have to change to March Mental Illness Month.

March neuroatypical.

I am neuro-atypical about basketball because madness is an anti-titany,

anti-retardite slur.

Yeah.

And we don't do anti-retardite slurs.

This is not an anti-tardic show.

Not at all.

Fuck.

What was I

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They got sportsbook casino racing deposit.

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even the promo code you're getting carolina chanticleers and the bryant bulldogs oh man

is that what's going on sooners and the bulldogs

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What is this?

I'm just reading the list.

I'm just killing time here.

I don't think you got Loyola versus Oregon on Saturday.

Who you got in that one, Stop?

I got to keep going with Loyola.

Oregon State.

I mean, I got to go with Loyola.

You got to keep my boys.

You got to go with Chef Boyola.

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Trabajo, boys.

Trabajo.

What does Trabajo mean?

Work.

Oh, right.

What am I thinking of?

What's travel?

You know what?

In both French and Spanish,

it's like Trabajo and Travalle or some shit.

Travail?

Something like that.

Like Beau Travail.

So it's like, I always, that fucks me up because it sounds like travel in English, which means like going on a vacation or something.

Yeah.

Yep.

And in all the other languages, the ones that get kind of nasty with it, with the

accents and all that shit.

That's right.

It means a job.

Damn.

And that's the kind of shit you get.

That's awesome.

That's some linguistic ass shit right there.

I mean, Noam Chomsky wrote books about this shit, dude.

That's facts.

I've been getting into Noam Chomsky lately as a

Noam can actually chomp on my Dickski.

As an intellectual comedian.

Oh, yeah.

I've been reading Noam Chomsky.

I've read Chomsky and he's full of it, let me tell you.

I was using my speaking spell to learn the animal noise as well

while reading

Ingalls and Chomsky

biography.

That's awesome, dude.

And I came to the realization that

Shane Gillis is bad.

Yes.

Yeah, he's a murderer.

Well, they've been talking.

Marx definitely has a whole chapter on Shane Gillis being bad.

And Adorno.

Porkheimer.

Yeah,

Porkheimer, Adorno.

I'm about to Porkheimer some pussy.

Because I adore no

cheats.

Some people say Lacon.

I say Laconte.

I say Laconte.

Lacan, my nuts.

Yeah, Adam picked the dumbest one.

All right, sorry.

I'll go back to that.

You brought it up, too.

I thought we were.

You had time to sit there and think about whether it was a good one or not.

I wasn't trying to do it.

You said Lacan.

Because the goal for you is to

leave you to be the guy we're essentially making fun of.

I don't know any of that stuff.

I literally don't know any of that stuff.

No, you haven't read.

I know that.

Oh, believe me, I know that.

Damn.

That sounds like a medical emergency.

You're slowly killing yourself by saying you can smelling your own.

And you can fix at mybookie.ag, your legal online bookie open 24 hours, seven days a week.

There isn't another sports book on the planet that gives the experience that we do.

They'll suck your cock.

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That's the experience.

Okay.

That's why they're available all of the time.

They're much like Adam Friedland.

They're available to do gay shit 24-7.

24-7.

You just ask him for the Venmo.

Just send him the Venmo.

What was the guy's name?

Bruno.

You just asked for the Bruno treatment and you would get it.

You tell him Bruno essentially.

You want that Bruno treatment freely.

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Guys,

bet carefully.

You got to check it out.

Because Adam

might be doing a bunch of gay stuff.

And listen, this is all according to the truth-telling ladies.

I don't know this stuff.

It's all true.

Okay, so they say it's true.

And it isn't used to me.

But please beg carefully because even though he's doing all that kind of stuff, he's still my friend and I love him dearly.

I appreciate it.

So I don't want him to die.

I'm not making that publicly.

I saw Adam,

me and Evelyn were at 7-Eleven, and Adam had a big goal to come.

Like your voice.

Well, a lot of people sound the same, Adam.

Maybe your ears haven't been fucked clean in a while and you've forgotten.

That's the other thing he does.

What's that?

Or, I guess, Evelyn's friend?

He gets his ears blown out.

So he doesn't have to pay the doctor.

Oh, smart.

Yet again, just like the taxi crews.

Another way to be gay and save money.

Classic two birds, one stone scenario.

More about the savings.

Adam on an infomercial.

I'm going to teach you how to save money by having gay sex.

I was a substitute teacher.

I was making $22,000 a year, and then I signed up for the Gay Sex Cash Flow Business Solutions Plan for Life.

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You can win in the Cashflow Gold Gay Sex max out system of sexual pleasure and saving a couple of bucks.

Doesn't sound like that's good economics to be making Bruno.

The guy in a home in a home, 90s home office, just immaculate, like beautiful mill work home office in front of a huge lawn using a big fucking computer.

Yep.

Moving the mouse around.

Moving the mouse around.

Yeah.

Clicking.

My returns last year were over.

We retired from our jobs as janitors, and now

me and my wife, Jessama, make over $800 million a year.

We were able to retire early, and now we sit in jet skis in our living room.

And all it took was having a little bit of gay sex and a little bit of luck.

Results not typical.

Results not typical.

What were all those?

Most customers will just be fucked out outside of Central Park.

Most customers will be turned out and sexually abused outside of Central Park.

It's never clear what those businesses are.

It's like sort of stock, sort of like passive income.

Like they never explain it.

I think it's multi-level shit.

Yeah, that shit made me so depressed as a kid.

I would watch those commercials, and it's like, this world is so like, it's just hopeless.

Yeah.

You get to be an adult, and you're like hoping that the answer is going to be a fucking 900 number at 2 o'clock in the morning.

Yeah.

Just thinking about the sad fucks that are like, I'm going to be like that Jesse.

Maybe.

I'm sick of fucking being a bitch and losing.

Yeah.

It's time to start winning.

Yeah.

I love winning.

By calling this man with dollar bills all over his suit.

Matthew Lesko?

Matthew Lesko.

It's question marks, right?

Wait, that was the Riddler.

That was the Riddler.

Wait, what is Matthew Lesko?

Matthew Lesko would like to

tell you how to get money.

No, no, I remember.

I know who he is, but I mean, like, oh, yeah, what is that?

He would, like, is he also full of shit?

He applied for grants and stuff.

I don't know.

Basically, he was like a PPP loan fraud guy.

Yeah.

So what he would do is we take out PPP loans and say, for example, that he was living in Brooklyn working as like a freelancer when really he had already moved back to his parents' home in Idaho.

Interesting.

And applied for a PPP loan.

And you could make how much money could you make on that?

It through two installments, about $15,000.

Not bad from the federal government.

From the federal government, you could falsely claim you were paying rent in Brooklyn when really you were in Idaho.

I bet you that shit got forgiven quick.

Yeah.

No, Matthew Lesko,

he's a

DMV legend.

Yeah, you'd see him around DC.

He was in Bethesda.

He's a Bethesda guy.

You know a movie I saw recently and it was kind of sick and I thought it was.

Call me by your name.

No.

Just the portrait they kissed?

No, not that, actually.

I saw, and I thought it would be really bad.

War Dogs.

Have you seen that movie?

I have not.

It's Jonah Hill, and then that guy whose face I don't like, Miles Teller.

He actually saw a movie called Warm Dogs.

No.

Warm Dogs?

And it was about

Adam Kipe.

It was in World War I.

People would get trench dick.

And the dicks would fall off.

Their dicks would fall off, and Adam, he would run up.

He was like...

I'm not sure.

On all fours wearing a collar.

He was at the movie.

He was like

Florence Nightingale running up and down the line.

I did not know.

Sucking everyone off.

It's like the trenched dicks.

Sucking the trenches.

Microbes off the trenches.

The mugs.

The microbes.

And he'd live off the microbes.

Sucking them up and then bandaging them.

Gently and lovingly.

bandaging them.

I'm trying to tell you about this Todd Phillips film, War Dog.

Oh, it's the Todd Phillips joint?

It was.

I didn't realize.

Interesting.

But yeah, it's about this 18 and 20-year-old kid who, like, during the Iraq war.

They had sex with Adam.

No.

They found.

They just learned how to use the government contracting website to order weapons and stuff for

the troops in Afghanistan.

And they like, they got

something like a $600 million contract from the government

yeah by about getting like ak-47

ammunition where'd they find the guns and shit found it in like

somewhere in the Balkans or something and then yeah they lied to the government and didn't tell them that it was Chinese like bullets or something like that yeah

from the Cold War or some shit but did it all end up good for the guys no I think they went to jail but it's a very good movie very funny respect wow cool story.

No, no, but it's

got to return a bunch of shit to Amazon.

The Matthew Lesco thing.

You got to walk all the way to the UPS store.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, it's a fucking pain in the ass.

Oh, that's that stinks.

You know what?

You know what?

You got to initiate the.

Excuse me.

Okay.

I really, I'm dying of allergies right now from your cat, by the way.

Me too.

This whole episode.

I'm also allergic to cats.

I just care.

I care about the animal kingdom.

And so

I have this piece of shit thing that lives in my house because I respect.

Oh, here she comes.

Here she comes again.

The cat.

Because she's gay.

You got to go somewhere?

No.

I just, I want her to stand up the ottoman.

I'm starting to hurt my body.

You can open the window if you want.

It's not going to help the fresh air.

It's just this cat.

I have cat dander in my noses.

In my nostrils, I mean.

In your noses?

I met nostrils.

Yeah, yeah, I'd met two noses, brother.

I'm not thinking straight, dude.

Well, what else is he doing?

He's thinking gay.

He's thinking Friedland.

AKA gay.

Come on.

You know his brain.

No, don't look at these old hats.

Truth-telling ladies.

The old truth-tellers.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Well, folks, if you want to purchase a t-shirt, you can go to come.town

while supplies last.

That's right.

Some very good t-shirts.

Go to stommy.biz.

We got a new dream to imagine pony t-shirts.

I saw a mock-up of that.

It's very beautiful.

Thank you.

You should definitely buy that.

Always for an additional episode every week, you go to patreon.com.

If you're one of our many new Spotify listeners, go to patreon.com.

You can get double this.

That's right.

We are also on Spotify, and we switched hosts in January, and they have a way to just press a button, and it puts it the podcast

and everything else.

Because

for years, people would be like, all you have to do is you email.

I'm like, all right, no, I'm not.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Most people

watch this on YouTube anyways, and I have no idea how that gets on.

Somebody is stealing.

Most of the people that get our content have stolen it.

But if you are one of them and you have had a change of heart and want to actually pay five bucks a month for bonus episodes, in addition to this YouTube video you're watching

to try and stop you from killing yourself.

Mailed to your house on cassette tape that's signed.

Adam writes a personal letter.

I write a letter, yeah.

That's one of my jobs around here, around the office.

He writes a personal letter to everyone that signs up.

They send them to you.

All right.

Stop Asian hate.

Stop Asian hate.

That was the important thing this week.

High bros.