Ep. 251 – suckdictionary

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What'd you say?

What?

Where's your shit, dude?

Where's your stuff?

Where's your microphone?

He's lost his microphone and his heads.

Headphones.

Where's my shit, then?

You've lost Stavros' stuff.

You've lost...

Stop.

Now I can't hear Nick.

Yeah, maybe Nick or Adam.

You just fucked something up, dude.

You're a fucked up guy, dude.

You're trying to fucking ruin the podcast.

There you go.

I'm one.

Okay.

I'm three.

Check, check, check.

Here you go.

Can you turn off this DVD menu of diagnosis,

please?

No, it sounds

playing the same song.

Yeah, I don't know what you're looking at.

Don't pull this.

It needs to be closer to me than you.

Adam, you're starting the podcast with a bad attitude.

You're starting the podcast with a bad attitude.

Well, unplug your headphones.

You're calling me fat.

Unplug your headphones.

Not yet, but that's the whole point.

And then we're going to do this, and then you can plug your stupid headphones right.

Yeah, you're not fat yet, but you will get fat.

Okay, man.

We get it.

It's really.

What?

You know what?

Yeah, we should.

Well, it's not going to pick up in the back.

Because Adam's.

I just don't want to keep listening to the DMs.

Why are you saying distracting?

I'm diagnosis murder.

You can't get it.

It's like jazz, bro.

It's relaxing.

It's the same song.

Is it?

Yeah, for 30s.

Is it the same song?

Stop playing it on the podcast.

The fans don't want to hear this, dude.

We're going to get DM's.

They want to hear about our lives.

They want to hear about the rich tapestry of our dating lives.

Yeah, we need to do the Tinder updates.

They want to hear a lot of people.

We're going to talk about dating in New York today.

Hear about a couple of girls in the city.

Can you believe it's coming up?

We're coming up on five years of this show.

No, no, yeah, dude.

Five years in May.

Are you serious?

We were just kids.

Now we're all grown up.

No, it's not five.

There's no way it's five years.

Four years.

Five years, dude.

Five years, right?

Because it was before the election.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

That's fucked up.

That's sad.

Shit.

Well, we got to end it.

Yeah.

It's weird to even think about being 27.

Wow.

Dude, we're just young people.

My dick was so big back then.

Mine was small, but it's big now.

It's small now.

Well, mine was small, but it's huge.

So now if you hear such a thing,

know that that's more of a recent update.

But back in the day.

Back then, dude.

I'm telling you.

I was having sex with women back then.

That's true, dude.

Now I'm having sex with

six.

Yeah.

Now they're having sex with me.

You're fucking absolutely poning your whole

you're getting your whole pony get the chips out of my fucking face adam you fucking scream snake to think back you treacherous fucking snake i was just a guy on the lower east side playing accordion

selling selling fruit on my car to his with your monkey other italian immigrants to my monkey that does with the first couple of chinamen showed up yep and they started the boxer rebellion whatever that is

that was when that was going on when the when the chinese were getting

into the italian fruit fruit market.

Back in the old lower East Side, where people would hang their laundry across the streets.

Yep.

Everybody was getting pussy from bitches that looked like Stregonona.

Yeah.

Women yelling out of the windows.

What?

Diagnosis murder?

Suck on my penis.

I'm gay.

Suck on my penis.

Suck out my fucking little

Diagnosed murders are very good ass shows.

I do miss the New York that was shut the door when we moved to

what?

Shut the fuck up.

Doing it as a joke, and then this on-the-serious note bullshit.

What?

We've been here for five years, six years.

Yeah, Times Square used to be all porn.

Literally, the only thing that's changed in five years is you pretending you like Avatar starting today.

That's true.

I saw Avatar yesterday for the first time.

Interesting.

Curious.

It's what America does to people all over the world.

Very curious.

We rape them for their resources.

And we dress up in there.

There should be a show like Diagnosis Murder, but Dick Van Dyke is like, he's in his office, and Scott Bayo comes in.

He's like, yeah, Doc, Adam's got a new opinion.

We've got to figure out where it came from.

Where did it come from?

Where did this opinion come from?

Well, I could just open up Twitter and probably find out in 14 sessions.

I don't look at Twitter.

Let's go ahead and look at some of the other things Adams.

I just do my tweets.

I just do my tweets.

I don't look at it in solidarity with our former president, Mr.

Donald.

You don't check it.

I get my

tweet from a

bro.

I used to text.

I used to text my tweets.

My friend Jonah used to do that.

Yeah, because I didn't have a smartphone.

I used to literally text my tweets and check them at my work computer.

I would use a desktop.

Yeah, dude.

I'd have to dial in from a terminal.

That was the way to fucking do do it, man.

Just one of those

old-timey mainframes with the drum memory.

It spins back and forth.

I don't even remember those.

That sounds awesome.

I want one of those.

Yeah, like Ram used to just be two

drum discs.

Like actual.

It actually.

Yeah, it would just spin back and forth to access.

That's pretty fucking tight.

Yeah.

Old computer rooms used to be slick looking.

Yep.

The big giant ones that were like.

Now it's like what's in a fucking like Tamagotchi is the same computing power as that entire room yeah

um

but really the most despicable thing you did Adam

today suckdickable the most suckdickable thing you did let's hear it I'm sure it'll be a real fair appraisal of my your good friend is trying to better his life okay and you know it's my off day where I don't my first two meals and we're recording this fairly early yeah I have to as soon as we wrap here I have to go home to eat a rich meal with 35 grams of carbohydrates.

That's nothing, too.

35 grams of carbohydrates.

35 grams of carbohydrates is fucking nothing.

And two cups of vegetables.

But today, right now, all I have to sustain myself was a salad that I made with chicken breast and cabbage, and I had a Greek yogurt.

So what do you do?

You have two, usually you don't even eat.

You have two meals.

Two lunches.

Two lunches, one before you recorded the premium that has already happened.

And now, and then you get a fucking, and then you're like, you know what?

I'm fucking, I'm hungry.

And then not only do you get yourself a fucking sandwich, you come back with a big bag of chips for the whole day.

I just, listen.

I just a whole fucking bag of chips.

And I have to sit here and watch you fucking snack.

I just read a book called Fat Like Me, and it was about how I, it's, it, it made me realize I want to live a day in your shoes.

You don't have the gumption to be.

If you're going to be the hot guy on the show, I can't be the hot guy on the show.

You don't, first of all, you've never been hot.

You've never been the biggest piece of ass on the show.

You've never been hot, and you could never.

I'm the guy whose dick used to be big back in the day.

That's true.

That is who you are.

I'm the guy with this.

I can't be the sex symbol of the squad anymore if you're going to lose your weight.

Adam, you could never in your life be fat.

You don't have the fucking personality.

You know how much people would hate you if you were fat?

You barely get by on being Jewish in Brooklyn.

If you were fat and this annoying, it would be a Harvey Weinstein situation immediately.

Immediately, it would be some Harvey Weinstein situation.

I don't have the power to wield over impressionable.

But in hindsight, women would see a picture of you and then, in their memory, incept themselves that they got raped when they had consensual sex with you.

Just by just for what you look like.

I would just look like a fat lesbian woman.

You'd look horrible.

Yeah, I would look like Manette.

I would look like Manette.

So don't even joke about that.

I can't wait for her next special.

Oh, it's so easy to be a fat guy.

You walk into a room, you say, Where's the party, everybody?

I'm the fun-loving

guy everyone thinks that most people hate fat everyone sees you they're like hey fatty they put a lay on you like you're in Hawaii here's what it's like being fat is like it's a it's a it's a giant ramp right yeah most people struggle to climb it they get too tired they're too fat and they fall asleep and they roll back down to being a loser but if you have enough sauce if you're swagged out enough you use that hill as a ramp to fly into the sky and that's what I do but it takes a lot of fucking it takes a lot of fucking effort the mission you don't have it a little bit of this, but instead of a mountain, it's a buffet.

It's something you just keep eating, brother.

But for a little bit, you're at the top.

Yeah.

And you're eating sugar buns after you had plates and plates of wings and this.

Gervais never actually gets that boulder.

In this one, he does.

In this one.

In this version, he does.

They should offer.

You know what would be a cool, like a Chinese buffet, and you get a little earpiece?

And there's judges that do like color commentary on what you're eating and doing.

I would love that.

I would love to be...

I would love to compete.

And he's going back to the channel.

And then in my,

in my i would love to compete and then in my retirement i would love to be like the charles barkley of that yeah and just and then become the commentator and then just become like a hater yeah these boys don't you can't be you can't be in this game if you have respect for yourself

you got to be going 120

150 of the time you got to be blowing past yeah your blood pressure about how soft everyone's nor not soft enough perhaps my eyes used to bulge out of my head i had my blood pressure was so high.

And these boys are over here taking fucking Zantax.

Xantax 75.

They're juicing

some number of guys.

They're taking talks.

You're right.

That's today.

Not in his life.

Not today.

I've been with you guys all day watching diagnosis.

We met at 11.

So

you had a lot of time.

I told you.

I had a call this morning.

Yeah, with guys to fuck that.

Well,

not 75 of them, that's for damn sure.

Just one.

One of them was the call was with one guy who was critiquing how much sex you were having.

It was a business call.

While 75 guys fucked yourself.

That's like a business call.

He was like, all right, that one was good.

That one wasn't so good.

Yeah, those chips were disgusting.

They were very bad.

Okay, let's give a review.

Good.

I'm glad.

You bring it.

Kettle brand potato chip Korean barbecue flavor.

Not good.

Good.

And that's what you think.

That is getting

treachery.

For your treachery.

All I'm saying is you weren't missing much, dude.

Yeah, but I smelled it.

You know how hard I took.

I would have long looked damn.

I thought.

Five servings at 140 calories.

That's like

700.

What is it?

I had to sit here and I had to meditate until those were done.

Yeah.

I'm sorry to do that to you.

I slipped.

You're not sorry.

No,

you caught.

I slipped.

I shouldn't have done that.

And you know what?

Maybe you should get fat for the show.

I'll get fat for the show.

I always thought it was an audio product.

We don't actually have to

lean into that.

But it's about the energies.

Yes.

And you're not a good enough actor.

I would get even more sluggish.

Or maybe I'd be faster because I wouldn't be as anemic and hungry.

We'll never know until you put on at least 50 pounds.

I feel it.

I had two legs.

How much do you weigh?

Me?

140.

That's so fucking funny.

I weighed literally.

I just stopped weighing W.

Mr.

Rogers' weight.

Was it?

Yeah, remember that part?

He loved weighing 143 pounds because when you line that up with the alphabet, it's I-L-Y.

No, I-L-Y.

I love you.

I love you, yeah.

Is that real?

No.

I didn't even come up with that.

No, it was in the documentary.

I'm just misremembering what it was.

Dude, 143 pounds is the weight of women you fuck, not the weight you are.

That's pathetic.

I don't know.

I could never.

143-pound woman.

Mr.

Rogers weighed 143 pounds.

He could give me those fat titties and a nice fat thigh.

And the constant pattern accounted for another constant in his life, his weight.

For 30 years, Rogers weighed exactly 143 pounds.

Uh-oh, pro-anna much?

In fact, he checked his own weight daily.

This man had a eating a weight.

He had a problem.

I don't check it daily, but I am around that weight.

This has been probably every day.

Mr.

Rogers refuses to do anything that would make his weight change.

He neither drinks nor smokes nor eats flesh of any kind.

What?

What?

Who's eating flesh of any kind?

Meat.

Yeah, you eat the inside.

Flesh is skin.

No, flesh is fucking meat.

Okay, well, who would know better?

I would, thank you.

Me or you?

I would.

Me.

I know what flesh is.

The answer is me.

It's definitely not.

The answer was me.

If they said he sucks on the flesh of a man's penis, you would know that part.

Imagine if

Costavros was straight.

Okay, it's done.

No imagination.

Don't have to change anything, everyone listening.

Just keep imagining the way you were already doing because that's what it is.

And you're imagining the Twilight Zone.

You're not imagining.

You're just going about life as you were before Nick asked that question as Rod Sterling.

In a crazy world.

In a regular world that we currently exist in.

It's different.

That has no change whatsoever.

Hypothetical world.

It is not hypothetical.

It is based in the reality that we are currently experiencing.

And it's the Twilights.

And it is the fucking normal time.

And it's a small town.

It's a regular.

It's just what.

If you're in a small town, it is a small town.

If you happen to be in New York City or Los Angeles, strange occurrences.

Big city.

Regular occurrences.

Turn purple.

The clouds are white.

And Stop Ross is having sex with girls.

That's true.

In the Twilight.

In the

In the Twilight Zone.

Case Club.

In the regular zone.

It is not the Twilight Zone.

Nick is gay.

Nick is gay.

Nick is gay.

That is the song.

Thank you.

Anyway.

Maybe that's the song in the Twilight Zone.

But I'll get five for the show.

That's not the song from the Twilight Zone.

It's the song in the Twilight Zone.

It's the song from the Twilight Zone, the show that we're all aware of because it's a piece of media from like the 50s or wherever the fuck.

And they were so prescient that they knew about a fake world where Stob versus Strand.

It's a current world.

It's a fake

current world.

It's a Twilight opposite zone world.

And by the way, the Twilight Zone isn't always opposite necessarily.

Having said that, I'm not in the Twilight Zone.

I'm straight

in the regular world.

And I don't exactly...

In the Twilight Zone, I don't know what sexual I am.

I could be straight.

I could, whatever.

I don't know.

Yeah, if it was the Twilight Zone, I would not get a lot of pussy.

No.

No, no, no.

Oh, you know what?

Sorry.

It said, I love you.

I has one letter.

Love has four letters letters and you has three letters.

That's weird, bro.

That's disgusting.

I don't like that.

That's the first negative fact about him that I've heard of.

Yeah, yeah.

People have tried to be like,

it's actually because

it stands for I fuck kid.

Kid?

Dude, the signs were all there.

43 bytes.

How do you feel about, by the way, Adam, to keep you on the hot seat today?

Yeah.

How do you feel about

the hot box?

Actually, because I'm sitting on the box again today.

You're relegated to the box.

You guys are on the couch and back on the box.

In a world where Adam doesn't sit on the box,

no, no, no.

And he already said okay.

The first part.

And he already said okay.

The first part can't happen in the twilight zone.

Andy, and let's go to the box.

Did he say okay?

Who cares what the box says?

Going to the box.

The box doesn't matter.

Do or die.

The box is in the twilight zone.

The box now has a chance to confirm.

No, don't fall.

The box don't fall forward.

It's up to the box.

Here's what's the problem: Nick is in a perfect position because if the box says something he doesn't agree with, he'll just say it's in the twilight zone.

But if the box says something he agrees with, he'll say, Good, that's awesome.

I'm confused, honestly.

Yeah, your mind is too frail for these high-level games that mean Nick or engaged in.

You guys are playing wicked games.

We're playing wicked games.

We're like cube.

We're like

on a different level of logic.

You know, I heard?

I heard that guy was gay.

Who?

What?

John Delance?

What's his name?

Chris.

Chris, not Christopher Crock.

What's his name?

The Wicked Games guy.

Chris Isaac.

Chris Isaac.

Yeah.

Very handsome man.

Where'd you hear that?

From him while he was fucking your ass?

No, from someone.

Dude, that would be awesome if you fucked Chris Isaac.

If I fucked Chris Isaac, I would be bragging about that on the show right now.

Adam said, this is a very handsome man.

Is he?

No, dude.

He doesn't look good.

I thought he's on the beach with that chick.

He looks good.

No?

She looks looks good.

Oh, you're gay.

Let me see.

You're gay and you have bad tastes as a gay man.

No,

if I was gay, I'd have great taste.

No.

Yes, I would.

And no chance.

What a wicked dick to suck.

What does he look like?

He's ugly, dude.

Isn't like you and you are as well.

Give me a phone.

I gotta look at it.

That's the other thing.

If you were fat, you don't understand how much uglier you would be.

Chris Isak.

Chris Isaac.

My name is

I don't want to get fucked in my ass.

He wrote that song in jail, actually.

Whoa.

What a weak game to play.

Trading me for cigarettes.

I guess he wasn't that good looking.

Not at all, brother.

Wow.

No, when he was young, he looked good.

Let me see.

Show me a picture.

He looked good right there.

Maybe he's holding the electric guitar.

Maybe that's what's.

Yeah, that is the kind of shit that attracts you.

What a bitch-ass game to play.

Acting a bitch.

Why is your...

Adam, let me ask you a serious psychological question.

Why is your

reflex to call a man handsome?

Because I want to build up my brothers.

So that's good to know then.

I'm so sick.

Honestly, I'm so sick of us tearing down our own people.

I agree, men.

Man-on-man crime is running rampant

in our community.

I actually agree with you on that one.

And it's time for positive.

It's time for us to do crime.

You know what, Adam?

And you know what, Adam?

You could maybe pull off being fat.

How about that?

Thank you.

I appreciate the compliment.

Yeah, if you bring up any guy, Newman from Seinfeld, he's a pretty good looking guy.

Because he's a fellow kid.

He's a fellow.

I think I'm signing for a new

van Dyke.

Yep.

Sign his penis.

That was a crucial sign his ass.

Yeah, that was crucial.

He wants him to Kramer his ass.

Kramer's cock.

Kramer's cock.

Kramer.

He wants to lay down

on the bed and suck his bennis.

He turns into putty in a man's hands.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's looking for an oval teen male, a fat boy to have

sex with.

He tried to go into the straight guy stores, but they're like, we have to ban you from this place

because you're gay.

That's okay.

That's great.

You can't go to the straight guy store.

We have to ban you from it.

Who else was on Seinfeld?

Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld.

Uncle, we already said, sign your ass and feld it with calm.

Were you not even listening?

No, I missed the.

That was at the beginning.

That was the very first one.

Why would a homosexual sign someone's ass?

His handiwork.

If I met a famous gay person, I'd ask him to sign my ass.

John Waters.

If I met Klay Aiken, I'd be like, will you sign my ass?

I can't tell you how many nights I was out in Baltimore at the bars at Club Charles.

Club Watson.

And there was a fucking line out the door of gay.

Guys trying to get your ass signed by John Waters.

I would do it.

Me too.

No joke, I would love to have my ass signed by John Waters.

I might get it as a tattoo over his signature.

But the...

Just the cheek, right?

On the cheek, with the hole, not around the hole.

With a heart.

I would love to do it.

The O and John.

This is my asshole.

It's one of those special signatures that incorporates graphic design elements.

That guy is a genius.

He is, man.

How'd he come up with that O asshole thing?

By being gay.

Yeah, I guess by being gay.

Fuck.

What else?

Did I have anything else to bring up to the group?

Oh, I watched

Hard to Kill 90s Segal.

Yeah, it's great.

Incredible film.

Yeah.

Hard to kill and Out for Justice.

But he was

trying to fight still.

He was in a great shape.

He was in good shape.

And he had a full head of hair.

He didn't, though.

He had plugs.

Well, whatever.

Visually, it was hard to do.

Hard to kill is the first one, right?

I believe it's the first one.

Then Out for Justice is the second.

It's been a while since I've gone through this situation.

Yeah, he's just kicking people's ass.

Dude, he's in a coma, and the nurse in the coma looks at his cock, and she's like, I hope you wake up someday.

So I can suck it.

Literally, that's the.

And then she fucks it.

And then he cures himself from

being in a coma by, like, lifting weights three times and doing karate.

It's awesome, dude.

I haven't finished it.

I'm going home.

Above the Law is the first one.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

That's it.

Yeah, because if you watch Above the Law, his hair is fucked up.

And then in Hard to Kill, it's fixed.

Oh, yeah.

Hard to kill, he's got a beautiful head of hair.

Yeah.

And the lady in Hard to Kill could absolutely get my prick a deal.

Like you wouldn't believe.

She's like, I don't know if she's actually British, if she's playing British, but she's a, she's got a redhead, she's British.

I would absolutely fuck a girl that kind of checks those boxes.

Yeah.

Me too.

But not because you said it.

Yeah, because you're copying.

I'm not copying.

You're absolutely copying.

Honestly, we mentioned her, we will mention her in the future, but I had a biology teacher who had red hair, and that's a big reason I want to fuck girls with red hair now.

Due to the fact that I jacked off to her quite a lot.

I like red hair now.

Copier.

No, I just remember

copy your

life took.

Oh, yeah.

It's just where life's.

You know what?

I'm going to drop it, but you've copied a lot of stuff from me, dude.

I didn't.

We've already been through one of the main things you copied.

Started that.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm about to watch this when I get home.

Oh, yeah, nice.

And family in the mafia.

That was talking

with a bad attitude.

Do you know why I love you?

You don't live the way other people live.

You officially suspended this guy.

The feds come in, the doors close, nobody hears, smells, or sees anything.

One man.

You just made number four on the most wanted list.

Wow, dude.

One obsession.

I want to be getting one.

One rule.

You guys think you're opposed to law.

All those fucking great, like, old Don La Fontaine fucking trailers.

When does he start talking like a black person?

Glimmer man.

Is that where it is?

I think so.

Yeah, because right now he's right now.

You can tell his influences are from the Orient.

Yeah.

In Hard to Kill, what's the guy's name that he plays?

Jackie Chan.

No, no, no.

It's an awesome name, though.

It's not Matrix.

Matrix is.

Which movie are you asking his name?

Hard to Kill, the one I just watched.

It was his character's name?

Yeah.

Gino.

No, no, no, no, no.

Gino Gelante.

It's an awesome name, but I forgot.

Jalupa Gennardo.

Jalupa Gennardo.

That's it.

I mean,

honestly, nothing's better than the Seagal TV show.

Yeah, that was awesome.

Yeah.

But you know what?

That was awesome for another reason, but I actually had never seen the early ones.

So for me, it was

Mason Storm.

Mason Storm, incredible.

The first three are kind of tight.

They're awesome.

They're really tight.

Oh, the chick is cat.

Alpha Justice.

I was from Weird Science.

Oh, is that her?

Yeah.

Ah, dude, I could tell.

Alfred Justice.

My dick could tell.

Wrongfully accused.

It's a fucking R-rated movie, dude.

They need to make some back to making hard R movies.

I want to, dude.

I want to make one just like...

Oh, hard R.

No, I mean it.

Because a lot of R rated.

Mortal Kombat, have you seen it?

All R-rated movies now are like the soft A version of

what movies used to be.

We need old school.

I literally agree with you.

And Mortal Kombat looks like a hard R action movie.

Yeah.

They're like ripping people's garments.

Just like fascist cop movies.

Yes.

Exactly.

Especially in this political climate.

Can you imagine a movie about a cop that just fucking like

kills some black?

Cobra.

You make.

You even have to do it.

Here's a movie.

Have you seen dragons?

Dragged across concrete.

What?

Go ahead.

Talk about dragged across concrete.

That's exactly what you described.

No, I didn't even get to describe it because I said, here's what you're going to do six times.

And then you said,

I don't know where my chips went.

I didn't say that.

Where's my boyfriend?

I think I left my chips.

You didn't say it, but your eyes said, where's my chip?

Where's my purse?

I think I left my chips in my purse.

You could.

Your eyes.

You were lost.

You were scared.

Your fucking glance said, where's my boyfriend?

I need him.

So a cop that's shot to death, an unarmed black teenager, and he's been put on suspension because there's a bunch of protests.

But then there's only one crime that he can solve by going outside of the law.

And then he has to do it behind the scenes because the rest of the police department.

So, he's like secretly feeding information and beating people up

while like the media smears this guy.

Well, I'm sorry, so wait, is he sorry for interrupting that idea because I think it's a good idea?

It would be a good idea.

And then the message of the movie, it's not even like a redemption story,

it's just uh then he ends up getting away with no one finding him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The case just sort of dries up.

Yeah, I want, I literally do want to, I'm going to write an action movie like that, dude.

And dragged across it's going to be

called Fuck the Law.

that's dude it's called fuck justice my my my guy is gonna be named pussy oh or fuckio pussigetti and he's an italian hitman for the cia frank binge

and i'm literally writing that movie frank binge was addicted to cocaine in the evidence room

oh my god this is good shit yeah

But one day, his penis shrank.

Put your hands up, you fucking faggot.

He's reaching for something.

That kid was 13 years old.

But his dick was huge.

I could see it through his pants.

I could see his dick through his pants.

I thought it was a gun.

It was a guy's dick.

I've been doing this job 20 years.

I don't give a shit what the fucking law is.

Fuck the law.

Fuck the law.

Fuck the law.

Starring Stephen Dorff as Eric fuck.

It's fuck dick.

It's Detective Fuck Dick.

Hard R.

Rated hard R for multiple names.

The N-word gets used a bunch.

Only by white people.

But only white people say it.

But you're trying to relate to the black characters.

But they're using the hard R.

You know what they think of you?

They think of you as nothing more than a boot.

Not me, though.

I'm not going to say it.

I'm the one that's different because I understand the gruff reality of the streets.

I'm Irish.

Yeah, I'm.

That's an Irish guy.

I can relate to a lot of people.

Because he's Irish.

Hey, Jizasani, I heard your wife shot herself in the head with your gun.

That's none of your business, pal.

Shut the fuck up, Feggy.

His wife killed herself, so now he has to get pussy while solving crimes.

Half of the pussies he gets are questionable.

Most likely basically rape.

This is rape.

No one would believe you.

She doesn't say yes.

She just stops saying no.

It's almost certainly rape.

The quintessential meeting

in a bunch of cargo boxes in a seaport area.

You got the stuff?

Do I get the stuff?

You got a fucking attitude.

That's what you brought.

Yeah, I miss those movies.

Yeah, dude.

I'm about to get it.

The suspenseful, like, xylophone music.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The montages.

There's always a good-ass montage.

Yeah.

Nothing says like slick crook like a big

old town car limo.

Yeah.

Yep.

You know.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, dude.

I'm literally, I'm going to quit comedy and just try and produce those movies, one of those movies.

No, I'm taking back two of those movies a year.

Yeah, dude.

We'll just bring back Canon films.

Yeah, dude.

We should.

We should, man.

His wife was killed by ninjas.

But he was cheating on her.

They were gay.

Oh, by the way, also.

They were gay ninjas.

But he was getting pussy on the side.

Do we have any?

are we do we like any products or anything?

Oh shit.

Yes, we do.

We like Mac Weldon.

How the fuck has it been thirty minutes?

Oh damn, we're rolling, baby.

Yeah.

That's good news.

Yep.

All right, I'm gonna have to make it fun.

That's why.

Make a note of this because

thirty-one minutes.

Yeah, I'm gonna s I'm gonna I guarantee you I've gotta edit that I'll scrub through it.

And I'll forget and I'll be like, we didn't do the read.

Mac Weldon is the premier underwear company for gentlemen who like to have underwear.

Have underwear on their cocks.

If you like sex, you'll love it.

You'll love Mac Weldon, Doc.

You'll love Mac Weldon.

And John Binge, you know what kind of underwear he wears while he's raping?

Mac Weldon.

Don't lie to me, pal.

I got a pair of underwear on with a swastika right on the front.

Don't lie to me.

I got antimicrobial underwear on from Mac Weldon.

The silver line.

The Mac Weldon mission is simple.

Make sure all your basics and beyond are smartly designed, and shopping for them is easy and convenient.

Just fucking going.

Steven Seagal meeting a guy

in a Lincoln Town car.

He's got a suitcase full of underwear in it.

And he's like, what the fuck is this bullshit?

This isn't Mac Weldon.

He's like, sorry, I did the best that I could.

And then he kills him.

The best you could is Ugats.

And then he kills him sexually.

Bring me the right kind of underwear next time.

Bring me the

fucking bitch

and piece of shit.

And next time, don't make it just underwear.

Because Mac Weldon's got a full line of stuff.

They got a full line of premium.

Sweatpants.

Sexual fabrics.

Beautiful fabrics of all kind.

Leggings that I wear.

The Mac Weldon.

It's cold outside.

But it's not leggings for fags.

It's leggings for colds.

Or athletes.

Yeah, athletes.

Those are your options.

Yeah, if you're good at sports, you can wear leggings these days.

Yeah, I fucking...

Honestly, I'm a newly converted guy to Mac Weldon.

I've been lying about wearing them for years.

I can't believe you would.

But six months ago,

I bought a big shipment.

Just to check if this shit was actually good, and it's even better than I even had hoped for.

And since I've gotten a nice amount of pussy in Mac Weldon's, by the way.

So that's another fabric.

It's a premium men's essentials brand and believes in smart designs and high-quality fabrics.

Mac Weldon offers a one-stop shop for men's basics, socks, shirts, hoodies, underwear, polos, and active shorts.

Yep.

Whatever you need, MacBolden has you come up.

They got that shit.

Unlike the assortment of department store brands that make up your top drawer.

All of MacWaldon.

I like to keep my underwear in the bottom drawer, actually.

Yeah, me too.

I'm a top drawer.

No, I start at the bottom, and then you put the underwear on, and as you rise to the day,

you become more dressed.

I understand.

Socks on the second.

Yeah, socks on the second.

Beautiful.

I like to put my pants in my shirt on.

I put it on the fifth.

I get dressed opposite where I put all the clothes on except the dick area last.

Interesting.

So do you wear a lot of chaps?

Yeah.

Dickless chaps.

Dickless chaps.

I wear Mac Weldon-style dickless chaps.

Unlike the assortment of department store brands that make up your dickless chaps drawer, Mac Weldon's basics have a consistent fit that you can count on.

I love that.

One-stop shop for men's essentials from socks, shirts, hoodies, underwear, polos, and active shorts.

Mac Weldon promises comfort and a consistent fit.

I love that.

I love consistency.

Your dick will always look the same.

Your dick will look awesome.

And by the way, here's something.

It's such nice fabric and it feels, it clings so tight

that you could, if you wanted to have sex, pull your cock through the hole and it would act as a sort of cock ring,

keeping you erect.

Erect.

And that's not something they advertise.

I think that's something does.

I think so.

Erector Reno.

Why else would you wear it for fashion?

I thought it makes your dick vibrate or something.

There's certainly a vibrating kind.

So Adam pretending like he does he hasn't looked into cock rings.

Out of all of us, you've definitely worn cockrings more than us.

No, I don't know how many times you've worn a cockrings.

Never worn a cockrings.

Liar.

Adam's done.

Adam's worn cockrings.

Adam's tried every type of dick-growing pill.

You have worn cockrings.

Don't lie to me, bro.

I've never worn a cockrings.

Why are you fucking doing this?

Well, I wouldn't lie, dude.

You're hurting.

Cometown, I'd say, you're hurting the humiliating thing.

And you're lying, and I know you are.

No, I'm not.

I just have never done that before.

It's what Nixon would call a limited hangout.

Why, dude?

I've never worn a cocking ring.

You would say, Yes, I'm gay to hide the fact that he's wearing a cockring.

Old Dick came up with that.

I've got an idea.

I'm going to tell people I'm gay.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

Now no one knows I wear a cockring.

But I got at MacWeldon.com.

MacWaldon offers a wide range of customized fabrics that can keep up with you no matter what your day looks like.

18-hour silver air-knit X, dry knit, warm knit, and the full Grand Wizard clip.

Oh, that's not what it's called.

Yeah, Mac Weldon Blue program has created a totally free loyalty program.

That's right.

Level one Grand Dragon.

No, it's no, it's not that.

Because you're free shipping for life.

Once you reach the Electric Wizard level, okay, maybe.

I don't think that's really cool.

So that's kind of cool.

It's

like a Wiz or something.

It sounds like Wiz?

No, like the Black Wizard of Oz, the Wiz.

Oh, so Electric Wizard sounds like the Wiz.

Oh, Adam.

That's awesome.

That's what it was.

That's a really cool observation.

Yeah.

What?

It sounds like one of the words in it shortens.

We got a real mind of Mencia over here.

It's not an observation.

It's just

something that you could say it feels like the whiz.

Maybe that's what you meant.

Yeah,

it gives whiz.

Because

the whiz

is a movie.

Yeah.

It feels like the movie.

I don't understand that.

All right.

Oh, you don't understand that.

I try and bail you out, and then you try and judo me.

Well, you put me in jail.

Now you're bailing me out.

Yeah, I am.

That can happen.

Mac Weldon.

Using copyrighted music in an attic.

Mac Weldon is brought to you by Electric Wizard.

I love that.

Mac Weldon, sponsored officially.

Officially, by Electric.

Electric Wizard.

By the band Electric.

Is that a band?

Yeah, dude.

It's a very famous band.

I don't know them.

I know most bands.

See, I don't know who Bob Dylan.

Electric Wizard is.

I've never heard of Bob Dylan.

I have on a list of the gayest guys to like

musically.

Why?

I don't know.

It's just where I heard it from.

Mac Weldon gives you 20% of the time.

Oh, I've also heard him on a list of guys who say the N-word in their songs.

The Hurricane.

Wide, wide penis.

He said that song to get a guy out of jail.

Come fuck me.

I'm going to go to the middle.

He was wrongfully accused of a crime.

He kind of spoiled the story, and the movie wasn't as good because of that song.

Once you reach level two by spending $200, Mac Wilton gives you 20% off every order for the next year.

He had to say the N-word in that song, otherwise the guy wouldn't have gotten out of jail.

Hell yeah, it was pretty good.

Yeah.

You should apologize to Ruben Carter and Bob Dylan.

I don't apologize to anyone.

Mac Willen gives you 20% off every order for the next year.

They want you to be comfortable, so if you don't like your first pair of underwear, you can keep them, and they'll still refund you.

No questions asked.

That's so awesome.

Remember, you use promo code ComeTown20

to get the same deal, but before you spend the $200, the first order.

And if you don't like it, they'll refund.

Oh, I think that's the same thing.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

And if you want to wear clothes on your chest,

let's just put this right out.

Pretty cool band, honestly.

Honestly, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, we'll just chill.

I mean,

some people listening might not agree.

I'm kind of vibing right now.

This is a great episode, dude.

10 minutes late on the read, just

hanging out.

Let's get Diagnosis Murder going back up.

Yeah, I'm so interested.

This is what people want.

I've heard people refer to this show as a friendship simulator.

Uh-huh.

Oh, hold on.

You hear that?

This is what it's like to have friends, dude.

Yeah, that's shit.

Hang out.

This 100% is reminding me of college.

Some guy would absolutely throw this on and

derail the momentum of the hang and be like, shh,

just chill with it, bro.

Yo, just imagine we had a black felt gnome poster.

What what genre would this be?

Like doom or stoner metal?

Stoner Metal.

Oh, shit.

If you heard that band.

I love getting it.

Same kind of

Texas penis.

SAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

What band?

Sleef?

Never heard of them.

Yeah, Stoner Metal.

I'm more into

Ingwe Malmstein.

Megadeth.

If you, uh, yeah, if you want clothes, you can go to come.town.

That's right.

And pick up a t-shirt before they sell out, and I never release shirts again.

And go to stavi.biz.

We got a new t-shirt.

We got a dream to imagine ponytail shirt.

So it's a beautiful fucking piece of merchandise you're going to want to pick up.

Go to stavi.biz.

We got a little birch.

I'm going to try and release some t-shirts myself.

Cool.

Check those out.

Adam, what do you want to plug?

I'm coming out with a...

Dream, I'm coming out with an app.

I think I'm going to have to go for it.

Does anyone want to

get iOS

and the Android store?

That's awesome.

I'm ready to get it approved.

That's really awesome, and thanks for checking out.

And there's a zero bullying policy on the app.

So just to recap, go to come downtown for shirts.

Go to stavi.biz for shirts.

And then finally,

the scores.

Perfect, perfect.

All right.

All right.

Back to the episode, folks.

And we're back.

That's cool.

That's cool.

Like, they're like, metal's too fast.

What if we made it slow?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love that.

It's for people that couldn't keep up intellectually with Death Metal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're like, what do you mean, Satan's our father?

Dude, slow down.

I'm too high.

I'm on too high.

Dude, I'm honestly on a

Ying Wei kick.

Yeah.

He rocks.

Well, we're back to the show.

In the name of God.

Just in time to tell you about my bookie.

People are going to be like, wow, the first 20 minutes will be like, they're really on a roll.

I'll be like, oh, yeah, well.

We're just going to ghost into the back half of this one, folks.

Hope you enjoyed that first half.

Sorry.

We got caught up.

We got caught up.

We're not doing any extra time.

We're just

chilling, listening to some cool music.

Bomb, bum, bomb, bomb, bum, bum, bum, mind, exponent.

Anyway, my bookie, what a fucking really cool website.

Well, actually, let's just chill for a minute before we talk about

it.

I love chilling, dude.

Sam, yeah.

Oh, you know what?

I have something that could be good fodder for the podcast.

Okay, yeah.

And you know what?

Fodder away.

I forgot.

This is another

something else you for you Adam

another one of your transgressions all right you something that I did you tricked me into weeks ago into taking a shitty pair of your headphones that that I don't know I saw you this is this is classic Adam I saw you we both had our headphones okay they got tangled you inspected the headphones put them in your pocket and I took what I assumed were mine and then I plug yours I plug no I have them just because I'm laughing I have them Yeah.

Because you're fucking guilty is why you're laughing.

Just because I'm laughing does not mean I'm laughing.

Because I had the official Apple iPhone.

Headphones are Apple phones.

No, no, no, no.

They're not, my friend.

What are you?

You have some bullshit, like, fake Bluetooth you put in and they pair.

And I know those are yours because I put them on at your house one time by accident.

Well, guess what?

And I was like, these are bullshit.

They're not mys.

Guess what?

Guess what?

I got.

I actually got you a gift.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

What's the gift?

You have to say that I'm innocent.

I can't say that.

I can't in good conscience say that.

All right.

Well, I guess you're innocent and then let him say.

You're innocent.

AirPod Pros.

In a sense-year-old's ass.

God damn it.

What's the gift?

Yeah, sense-you're old.

You're innocent.

Innocence, homosexual.

Innocence, a gay man.

Yeah.

What's that?

Fucking yes.

Here's the thing.

I'm giving you your your bullshit headphones.

I don't want.

Where you have the headphones?

Yes, I do.

I didn't take your headphones.

Yes, you did.

Because you know, and you know why I know?

Maybe you didn't do it on purpose.

Maybe.

You said that I inspected?

You inspected.

I saw you.

How bad are these headphones?

They're horrible.

You know.

Don't act like you don't fucking know because they're your headphones.

I only use Apple headphones.

You're such a fucking liar.

Apple-corded headphones.

I have a lightning

input.

I bought them directly from Best Buy, and I come.

This is the first day I fucking was using them.

Freshies.

Fresh.

and my levers are your house we're still down at your house

I have two pairs I have one I have my actual headphones and I have your bullshit ones and when you plug them into your phone they do a fucking annoying beep and then they pair okay you know these are yours man

don't fucking lie to me bro those are clearly me if you're just joining us

headphones we're just joining us who are in the atoms lying section you're so you're fucking lying and the thing is all right maybe you didn't realize when we recorded i didn't there was a moment when you plugged them in and listened to music for the first time.

I'll say this.

That they didn't beep.

And you didn't say to yourself, oh, I must have gotten Stop's headphones.

You were quiet.

You were like, if Stop brings this up, you know what?

That's the problem.

You were like, if Stop brings this up next week, I'll cop to it.

But it's been weeks.

Okay.

Okay.

And I let it simmer because I wanted to see what was going to happen.

And here's what happened.

My good friend Adam betrayed me.

Let me play me for the fucking fool that he thinks I am.

All right, alright.

Here's what happened, right?

I used my headphones after that.

Yeah.

And I thought that the headphones got fixed.

Oh, you just assumed they were fixed.

When me and you had a very obvious headphones mix-up.

You thought they just got fixed.

That they were another

being's headphones.

You're admitting.

Not even a friend of mine, another human being.

You're admitting.

Oh, my God.

My assumption was

a piece of shit you are.

My phone thought that they were beats.

Uh-huh.

I don't know.

Don't ask me because they're your fucking headphones.

I thought that they got fixed.

I didn't realize that in

a random switcheroo.

Are you listening to this?

I know.

He does this all the time.

This is unbelievable.

You do a lot of this.

This is unfucking believable.

You make a lot of mindless, admit to it.

Careless mistakes that benefit you.

Thank you, yes.

It's always like, oh, I thought this was mine.

You just did months of cups.

You've been caught.

Return my headphones.

I'll return.

And it'll all be good.

I just had

them with me.

I have yours with me.

God damn it.

I don't want those headphones done.

Those headphones suck.

I didn't realize that I took your headphones.

I really didn't.

But God damn it.

You also just straight up stole the headphones from my house.

Which headphones?

Another set of iPhone headphones.

You have AirPods.

I know, and I bet I use the headphones.

My AirPods are broken.

They disengage.

God damn it.

These were really great for a couple weeks.

Yeah, they were because they're fresh out of from fucking Best Buy.

Oh, they are very white.

They haven't yellowed yet.

Yeah, he stole mine, too.

I was wondering why.

How are you going to actually

accuse me of a separate crime?

Well,

let me go find your shitty ones.

I did think those headphones got fixed.

And while Stop's finding those headphones, you can check out mybookie.ag where you can place bets on whatever the latest upcoming thing is.

Which, Adam, what is that?

We got a lot of sports this week.

NBA Finals are here.

The NBA Finals are

here in like four months, I think.

Yes.

We have, what else is going on in sports?

We have

March Madness.

March Madness, and we are having, we have our brackets out right now.

We've got our picks.

I think Maryland number one.

They're the 10-seed, they're going to win.

We're going to see a bunch of 16-seed upsets in round one.

This year is poised poised for that.

Let me just, I'm going to do this.

What are those?

I'm going to see if it beeps when I plug it in.

Yeah, let's see.

We've got upcoming fights.

Seems like we...

Here we go.

We can place bets on this.

On March 18th, we have Visions of Abolition, Black Women's Fight to End Racism.

The end mass incarceration at MoMA PS1.

So go online.

They're giving 30 to 1 odds in favor of racism.

Beep.

What the fuck?

Well, I guess we have two working sets of headphones.

And it has this weird fucking computer.

No, come on.

I don't have that.

That's not mine.

Plug it in.

You know they're yours.

March 18th.

Did you know you were shopping for some bullshit?

For some bullshit.

You got them online for fucking $3 cheaper than the actual iPhone.

UFC Vegas 18th, Friday, March 19th.

UFC Vegas Overream versus Volkov live results discussion.

You got to bet on that.

At the United States Disaster Response Venue.

You can go to mybookie.ag mybookie.ag that's where you want to go.

My boomy?

That's not it.

My bookie.

My bookie.

Mybookie.ag.

Terrible.

Yeah, they do, don't they?

And let's say I sound so bad.

Bet on anything, anywhere, anytime.

First deposit bonus up to a thousand.

Bet on whether Adam was lying.

I'll tell you what, it's bracket season.

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And you can bet with Bitcoin.

That's right.

All of the gains you made over the last

whatever, however long Bitcoin's been back.

You can hit double its trousers.

If you can become the billionaire, your father always said you couldn't be because you were gay.

But NBA, live odds, NHL, live odds.

Such good shit.

VIP online betting experience.

They send you, there's a clip of a woman dancing naked.

And you get to bet if her pussy's awesome.

Check this out.

They got a section now called Our Team.

And it says meticulously hand-picked professionals with a refined skill set stemming from years in the online gaming industry.

They'll just tell you what to bet on, and you're guaranteed to make money.

Their vision.

That's not a good selling point for a casino.

Meticulously hand-picked professionals with a refined skilled set.

If you're trying to attract customers and you're like, everyone who sets the odds is a mental reason.

He's never heard of this.

They don't know how to gamble.

You're smarter than them.

It's your time to beat up those retards at mybookie.com.

Let's go ahead and just fix this for them.

Everyone who works there is a mongoloid.

He's never been able to read.

They're handicapped, not handicappers.

That's right.

And you're better than them.

You're smarter than them.

You're more handsome than them.

Forget the sports book.

They can't even figure out a coloring book.

The only spread they know how to read is the Nutella all over a

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Information about us.

We'll click on that instead of looking up the copy.

Online Gaming Pioneers created My Bookie in 2014, vowing to improve services where so many other brands failed.

My bookie is so funny.

I can think of one brand who's failed.

Yeah.

A former brand that used to advertise on this podcast.

Yeah.

Say it.

We can't.

Do we not say they're now?

They're going to sue you.

Just a reminder to all of the lawyers who represent the companies that advertise with us.

This is a joint venture, and each of us are independent contractors.

So neither of the other ones are legally responsible for what the other ones say.

That's right.

And have I run that by a lawyer?

No, I haven't.

No.

No, I have not changed.

It's probably not true.

It's probably not true.

It's not true.

And now back to Electric Wizard.

My dick is spong.

That's not to mention providing an always-expanding selection of sports odds for players at all levels.

That's so fucking awesome.

It's the industry's most rewarding loyalty program, 24-7 English-speaking customer service.

I love that that's a selling book.

I love Hindu bullshit.

Yeah, right.

You call another sports book, and they're like,

We speak English around here.

That's awesome.

I love that.

I hate when I'm fucking calling.

I'm calling because my fucking bookie has ripped me off.

And I hit a parlay and I get a,

I hit a triple parlay.

And my fucking, it's not paying out.

And I call the customer service line and they're fucking speaking in Urdu.

That's one of my biggest fucking pet peeves.

All right, so here we got Gonzaga, plus 175.

Baylor,

Illinois.

Gonzaga undefeated on the year.

Plus 450.

Michigan, plus 750.

Michigan, you got fucking Juwan Howard over there.

That's pretty fucking tight.

You know about college basketball?

I know a a little bit about it.

I don't know, either.

Yeah, because you're not a fucking real man like me.

Yeah, you don't

know.

March Madness rules, honestly.

When I say I know a little bit, I literally started paying attention last week.

There is nothing better on the real basketball.

I didn't watch this set.

Steph was at David's.

Here's a real actual.

I am not.

Look, again, we do a lot of lying on these ads.

I'm not a big gamer.

Do we?

For the most part.

But this week, you're literally going to want to go to my boogie.

There's nothing more fun than betting March Madness.

There's a fucking

lie I've ever told in the show is that my penis is small.

Well, no, it's a lie.

Well, you just did, Deal.

That's not true.

Right now, you just did.

No, that's a lie.

It's not a lie.

That's true.

That it was a lie.

I was lying.

So you're this.

Now it's not true that it was a lie.

It's a lie.

Now you're lying.

The lying part was that me, the statement was me.

The lie was my penis is small when the truth is Stav's penis is small.

Oh, that's not how lies work.

Yes, it is.

It doesn't necessarily mean

that my dick is big.

That's all.

That is a statement.

That's not at all how lies work.

That's a completely different statement.

I don't even know how the fuck you're trying to spin that one.

The point is, you do have a little dick and you were lying.

No, the lie was saying my dick is small, and the truth is that your dick is small.

And the lie is the word mine.

So anytime you say a sentence that isn't my dick is small,

are you lying?

If you take a sentence and a part of it can be swapped out for another thing,

then that's a lie.

So truth.

So,

no.

Because

the force, the operating force, the jussance of of the sentence

is a dick being small is what you're saying is a dick being small or but it's it's whose it belongs what about what about if you said my dick is orange

my dick is blue

yeah hmm that would be a lie because your dick is small

my dick isn't blue it's fucking it's a nice tan you have blue bluish my dick is not blue and you can find out at my bookie.com depend on what color my dick is wait stop if you're fat do do you not have the veins on your penis?

What are you talking about?

Well, you know, like if you're buff, you have like veins in your arm, right?

You're vascular.

How fucking dare you, man?

But if you're not buffering.

You steal my fucking headphones.

I'm asking.

And now you're over here accusing me of having a veinless penis.

Do you not have any veins?

You're getting on my fucking nerves right now.

If I were you, I'd be on my best fucking behavior for the end of this show because you've stole from me.

I'm sticking to it.

And I let it slide like a medical question.

I'm asking you.

Now I'm animal question.

You've got my head.

You've got the stolen goods on you.

You've probably walked in the same room as me multiple times.

I didn't know that they were your headphones.

Yes, you did.

I saw

these headphones

swapped out by someone else.

I swapped out

my headphones.

Listen, something registered.

Someone else swapped my old working headphones.

Something registered for these pieces of shit.

Which I never would have paid for.

And you try and fucking pay the shit forward?

You're the opposite of paying Joel Osborne to that.

You're an agent of shit.

I just said it take EL.

I told you.

I thought that they stopped nothing.

Adam got fixed at mybookie.ag where you can use promo code something.

Come town 20, probably.

Or Come Town.

Promo code Come Town20.

Beautiful.

Fucking something else.

You get a nice something on your bet.

You probably get like $100 or something to play.

Is it Come Town 20?

You got something nice.

Either Come Town or Come Town 20 for they do the match, but they do a match.

The Matchbox 20 special

and our promo code so smooth

to get $20 for free mailed to your house.

And you get to get pussy from Maria from the song Maria, Maria.

Maria, Maria, suck my dick like it's nobody's business.

It was just a medical question.

Going down on my penis.

I have a vein on my penis, right?

That was my penis.

I have a nice vein.

You sucking a dick.

I have a nice central vein, and and i have a secondary vein too all right and it looks cool it photographs well yeah it gives it some shading i got i got too many veins my shit's looking like the back of darth vader's head wow

so you got a vascular dick uh you got vascularity yeah is it you better be asking these questions only because you're curious because you're going to get fat for the show that exactly that was why i was asking Yeah, that's actually, we discussed that off Mike, but Adam's getting fat for season five of Cometown.

That's right.

It's the only way we can keep the show going.

We're stealing the idea from it.

It's always sunny.

Yep.

But I will be getting.

And Nick will be getting the surgery to make you three inches taller.

I'll get fat, dude.

I'll get to 150.

You literally couldn't even do that.

It's always penis.

You eat one sandwich and half a bag of chips, and you have to lay down for five hours.

I am feeling sleepy from two lunches.

You're not built like this, bro.

You don't got it in you.

Come on, dude.

You're not.

You know know I'm different.

You're not built different.

You're built exactly the same as everyone at your fucking summer camp.

That's how you're built.

We had some fat people.

We should get a full Darth Vader outfit.

We had a couple gay people.

Why do I got to be Darth Vader?

You're a fat Darth Vader.

I don't want to be Darth Vader.

I'm good.

Actually, Psych the Sith get pussy.

The Jedis don't.

So yeah, I am Darth Vader.

Oh, yeah.

Is Jedi is like a priest they can't fuck?

They don't fuck.

I want to get some dumb costumes.

You should, dude.

You should become a cosplay guy.

No, I might just like

a big, like a geely suit to just wear.

I like a ghillie.

What do you mean, geely?

I don't know what it is, geely.

It's ghillie.

I don't know.

What is that?

Don't tell them.

Okay.

Sorry.

Normally I would, but you fucking stole from me and you denied it for minutes at a time.

I didn't know that I stole from you.

I knew that.

I knew that I had a switcheroo.

Here's what really bothers me.

I didn't know that it was with.

You are doing what Nick said.

I knew that it was a switcheroo.

What am I supposed to call everyone that I've ever met and say, oh,

did you have headphones in a proximity of top?

It was a switcheroo.

What you're doing is despicable right now.

What is despicable about you?

You are doing what Nick said, the Richard Nixon half-lie.

You're only copying the part of it.

You're trying to get off on manslaughter instead of murder right now.

You premeditated, stole my fucking headphones.

It was not premeditated.

It was not first.

Okay, and you knew what happened.

It was not first.

Afterwards, you knew.

And guess what?

No, not everyone you're in proximity with.

Somebody that you record with every fucking week.

You knew that eventually.

And who

an hour tops before you discovered your headphones got magically fixed, you had a fucking mix-up with motherfuckers.

I wasn't listening to a music.

Because you know what I did?

You know what I did?

When I got home, I was like, oh, fuck.

These must be Adam's gay ass headphones.

I'm sitting off the box.

You don't deserve to be on the couch.

It was hurting my bum.

You don't deserve to be on the couch, right?

It's hurting my bum to sit on the box.

Just

admit to treacherous behavior.

I am sorry.

No, no, no.

I don't want this apology.

I want you to admit to pure treachery.

No.

And then I have forgiveness in my heart for you.

I am a man of principle.

But you aren't.

You aren't.

You're a crime that I didn't.

You did commit it.

You are at the very least guilty.

Look, the victim.

Listen.

You were the victim

of a random chance

occurrence.

I am letting you

of that.

I don't have the proof that you stole them on purpose.

I'll just put my arm around you.

I'll admit this.

Oh, you're stealing them again, you fucking prick.

I don't have the proof that you stole them on purpose, but I know in my heart that once you discovered that they were mine.

I didn't know you were the victims.

I didn't even attempt to ask about it.

I apologize, but I didn't even know

you needed to admit that you

absolutely.

Okay.

If it'll make you feel better, yes, I will admit to it.

I planned it out.

No,

that's not what I said.

I planned it out for you.

What you did.

I was a matt.

No, no, no.

Criminal mats.

No, no.

Don't you dare.

I knew you were a kid.

Don't you fucking dare.

I need you to admit.

Well, and my motherfucker.

When I see one.

And my motherfucking

slipped on you, baby.

I saw you wobble into my apartment.

Oh, you're fresh, dude.

You better shut the fuck up.

And I knew that it was.

Because here's the thing.

What I need you to admit to is that you fucking, once you discover that you had my headphones, you didn't even attempt to right the wrong.

All right, Nick.

I'm trying to go to the zoo and meet the animals.

That's a good idea.

Is it open?

Oh, yeah, it's open all year, dude.

They just get, they get

parkas for the apes.

Yeah, gorillas in apple bottom jeans and fucking Canada goose knockoffs.

Hell yeah, dude.

I'm sorry that you were the victim of that.

No, that's not what I need the apology for.

I need you to apologize.

I'd love to become the director of the Bronx Zoo and then draw attention to the zoo with like planned controversy by having like trans awareness day at the zoo and we just put lipstick on like the gorillas

like big dangly earrings and shit and fucking high heels

Stavros can I say something you go ahead

hello

Stavros want to tell you I don't like this whatever that is anyways so what they got at the zoo yeah

yeah so you fill in the gorilla enclosure, you put a bunch of like toilets in there.

That's awesome.

You know, like, it's like they're always in the bathroom.

Yes.

And then, you know, something that says.

You give them all cool names.

Welcome to the DNC.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

That's my mind.

And if you do a little math, folks, you can see it's even, there's even more layers to that.

Yeah, the Democratic National Congo.

Okay, that's good.

Yeah.

What's the Congo called?

Isn't it called the something?

Yeah, it's Democratic Republic.

Democratic Republic.

Go ahead.

I dare you to say another fucking fact.

See how quickly I hit the mute button on your ass?

Stop muting me.

I don't want to.

You're doing to yourself.

I was trying to say.

I don't want to.

We've been on good terms lately, actually.

Ever since you sold you stole Saav's headphones and sold them and used the money to buy me dicks and smallening pills.

So that you wouldn't be a liar anymore?

No, because my dick.

Yeah,

I didn't want to be a liar.

I got surgery to make my dick small, to protect my integrity.

Something you would do a lot to learn about, Adam.

Adam, yes.

But unfortunately,

and you know what, Adam?

This was really an opportunity for you

to

admit to treachery, and we could move forward.

And it would be, you know what it would be like?

It would be like the prodigal son, where

if you cut a piece of rope,

well, you really need to learn about him and other lessons

and other lessons from the Bible.

If you have a here's a here's a sermon I remember from

Adam, you've been quiet the whole show, too.

My volume?

Oh, no, you just weren't talking like that.

No, no, no, no.

I just had the microphone.

Yeah, you're being lazy.

No, but I'm sitting in a different place.

Can I tell you something, Adam?

I remember a sermon from when I went to church.

Oh, like this, the Apple Watch said, you did it.

You stood up.

And I didn't.

I just leaned forward.

Guess who just discovered a new Apple hack?

Applehacks.com.

Also, patreon.com/slash come town.

If you want this story to continue and you find out exactly what Stav did to Adam's body as punishment for stealing the headphones, you will.

There's a video of what happened to the story.

Come Town is now a mystery show.

On the premium.

We introduce a mystery on the regular, and to get to the bottom of the whodunit, you got to listen to the premium.

That would be awesome.

Diagnosis Cometown.

Honestly, we should do it.

it.

We should have a little Cosby mystery spin-off.

That would be cool.

Yeah.

Damn, did he have a mystery spin-off?

Somebody

who fucked the ladies and gentlemen, somebody in this room sucked my dick.

The suckist is on this train.

Very well, maybe the person speaking right now.

To prove it wasn't me, I will remove my pants and try to suck my own penis in front of you.

You will see it's impossible.

Yeah.

I'm too rigid.

rigid as you can see i've i've i've bent over as much as i can to the extent that i've sprayed shit all over the wall

in reducing the longitude of my abdomen clearly i cannot suck my own penis it must have been someone else

oh fuck anyway yeah anyway adam the point i was making is so listen to the premium to find out that it was adam that sucked i mean to find out who sucked my dick no

That's not what you find out.

I want to use a simple metaphor for you to learn.

Okay.

There's a rope, right?

I'm going to tell you that.

And two people are holding each side.

If you cut the rope and their relationship is severed, they're completely apart.

But then when you tie it together,

that second rope is closer than they were even at the first part.

All right.

You learned that in church?

I learned that in church.

So, what you did by stealing my headphones is you cut the rope.

You severed it.

I gave you the opportunity to tie it together tighter to make us closer friends, friends that understand that sometimes mistakes are made.

And what do you do?

You spit in my fucking face and you keep.

And you know what?

I'm taking my half of the rope and I'm running.

He's running away.

I didn't want anything to do with you.

And that's the end of that's the end of

that.

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