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My penis.
Yes!
All right, welcome to the show.
Welcome to fucking Cometown.
A beautiful day today.
Beautiful Monday.
Beautiful day here.
It's Tuesday, you fucking Tuesday.
You are
so that's after a long weekend.
You know, I take all my bank holidays off just like I take the other six days of the week off when we're not recording.
That's right.
Brooklyn, Mexico.
We're in Brooklyn, Mexico.
We're here in Brooklyn, Mexico.
It's a beautiful day.
Tepinas.
My penis.
Touch penas.
Touch penis.
Oh, fuck.
Damn, it's so nice out.
It is really nice out.
Suck my dick away.
Suck my dick on gay.
Bum, boom, boom.
I want to fucking stroll out with my titties out.
Yeah.
I can't wait till the summertime, dude.
You know what you should get into?
What's that?
Deep Vs.
No, no.
You know also what you should get into?
I don't think so.
Rosary beads and deep V's.
No, I'm not a fucking Catholic, motherfucker.
No, you don't have to be Catholic.
I'm just saying Orthodox.
Just have a more despacito
style.
It's not my fucking style, bro.
Listen, I'm gold chains.
I'm other bracelets, but rosary beads?
You're Orthodox movies.
You think I'm a fucking papist?
What do you have to walk around with an incense ball?
Now, first of all, they stole that from us, too.
No, I thought that's Easter.
What is love?
I love that style.
Yeah.
Dude, I loved Night at the Roxbury as a kid.
What is love?
It was my favorite movie.
It was literally my favorite movie.
You're copying.
No, I swear to God, I rented it for my birthday party.
You're copying my memory.
I'm copying his memory.
I'm not copying, dude.
I love that.
He's copying my memory.
I was them for Halloween.
It's the perfect joke.
He's copying me.
It's a perfect joke for little boys.
You don't understand this guy who's copying me.
That's true because those characters are little boys.
They're little boys.
They don't understand how pussy works.
I know.
They hump women.
They sandwich a woman and they just hump her back and forth.
I so.
I thought that was so funny.
I thought that was a great.
Yeah, me and my boys used to do that at the at the speaking of Greek Orthodox at the Goya Greek Orthodox Youth of America
dances I remember I did that too actually you're a liar no now I was lying that was a lot okay okay because you didn't have the rest of it was the truth you didn't have the guts to do it no I couldn't I couldn't you didn't have the guts to rub your little penis on a girl
under the guise of a joke
shut the fuck up some things are too far he's Greek orphamox I'm Greek orphamox that doesn't even make sense
and we don't have any of that in our gene pool.
Thank you very much.
Greeks are superior.
We bred out.
The Spartans used to fucking punt retarded animals.
Actually, that's fucked up.
I'm Athenian.
I'm not a Spartan, dude.
Oh, you're an artist.
I'm the fucking.
I'm the brain and the little-ass dick.
Spartans are fucking animals.
Everyone who's worshiping 300, no.
They were cruel to fucking people with birth defects, and they all raped each other.
Stop touching my penis.
Whereas Athenians,
you couldn't exactly call it rape.
It was more sexual coercion of children than raping them.
It was like a training program.
You teach them fucking geometry and philosophy and shit.
It was a mentorship.
It was like
a big brother's little brother.
I suck on my father's dick.
I suck on my mom's pink.
My mom.
I sucked on my daddy's ball.
It's pretty funny that they figured out
to be homophobic, even though
I remember, but man, I miss being a little
youngin'.
A little youngin', huh?
Man, I remember my daddy, he called me, he caught me sucking on his nuts while he was asleep.
Made me suck.
He said, You're going to sit here.
I'm going to suck my whole dick.
And I never sucked another dick.
And it made me sick.
Bro, yeah, man.
I had to go to school.
We had in chorus class.
Everybody's laughing at me because my vocal cords was bruised.
That's why you talk that way?
And I, yeah, I thought it was still cigarettes.
Oh, no, I'm man.
My parents, I'm first-generation Taiwanese.
Vietnam Andrew.
Yeah, my mobile call.
Hey, good afternoon.
My name is Presidential Candidate Andrew Yang.
I think you mean mayoral candidate.
Mayoral candidate, Andrew Yang.
Andrew Yang.
That's the thing I love about New York.
You go on into Burdette.
You stop with that, man.
Go on into Burdet.
That is.
He said, let me get a chirp cheers
and put extra sun on it.
We can either.
Let me get extra CERN on it, chop cheers, and y'all need
job.
The chopped cheers.
Yeah.
Hey, man, are you okay?
No, I'm having a stroke.
What was it when you had a chance?
Cash shoes or shit.
Two things you need to know about me.
You want to bust nuts.
I'm from Taiwan and I'm having a stroke.
We have a cash shoes.
Cover shoes.
You know what I mean?
Hershoes or her shoes.
Come down here and bust nuts.
You want to come bust nuts with me?
Then we ain't got no problem.
But we're going to have a a problem, then it's going to be.
I don't got word problems.
I got action problems.
So true.
You know what I'm saying?
Mr.
Yang, the question was about school vouchers.
The vouchers will be redeemed for Bitcoin.
I already said that.
I already said, we don't need no damn schools if you just give the kids cryptocurrency.
If you got
currency.
They got cryptocurrency, but they ain't got no blood row currency.
That's the problem, is that there ain't no balance to it.
There needs to be be more violence in the crypto markets.
Look, a lot of people, they don't trust me because they know I said the N-word throughout my teen years.
But you have to understand that was an act of endearment.
That makes him the most
New York candidate possible.
If as a Chinese teenager, he said the N-word.
That's
Queens is crawling with those.
Have you taken the subway?
Have you taken the seven?
Yeah.
All it is is Chinese kids.
You want to call it Caesar
saying the N-word.
They call it the Saturday.
Because I grew up on a seven.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm Chinese.
I'm from Flourishing.
And I grew up on a seven.
They call it the seven because there's seven letters you say when you're on that train.
Yeah, no, no.
I don't think that's why they call it that.
Yes, it is.
They think it's the seven train is named after the letters in the N-word.
No, it's the number of letters.
N-I-G-A-F-A-G.
I don't think that's it.
That's on my license plate.
Mr.
Yang.
Wait, I'm sorry, Mr.
Yang.
Are you saying your license plate?
I got a
slurs?
You got a vanity.
I got a Toyota.
I got a stretch limousine Toyota Avalon with N-I-G-A-F-A-G on a license, the license plate.
Wow, that's pretty, that's bad for the city.
That's right.
And I got a parallel perk left.
And we got, look, you know how they got moon roofs?
This thing, the entire top glass, and then there's a shark tank above it.
When you look it up, you're just seeing sharks.
That's awesome.
You're just seeing, and you would drive around the avenues, rubbing down the city in the avenues, and you're looking up at sharks eating all the buildings.
So I'm sorry, is that...
And
that's called the dollar bill money mentality.
Is it a little
dollar bill?
So is it a very high avalon?
Or are you smushed under the...
Yeah,
it'd be on 82s.
Okay.
You got to be rolling on 22.
Okay, I understand.
So it's high, but does that give you enough space to sit if you're under the aquarium?
Hold on, let me explain something to you.
Yeah.
Because I don't think you understand what we're seeing.
Yeah, I don't.
I think you have a bit of a comprehension problem.
I am.
I'm having a hard time comprehending the layout of this limousine.
It's on 82s.
But that only makes it higher.
It doesn't make the actual inside.
It's on 82s.
It's on 82s, but the car will be sitting in the middle of the tires.
So down low.
So it's hung.
the car.
The tires are higher than the bar.
And the tires drag the car along the ground.
You still got it dropped.
I don't understand.
I'm having even a harder time.
The car got a snoop.
They got like a train plow on the front.
Okay.
Cow pushes.
And so that digs into the streets.
The strookers is destroyed.
Oh, I see.
You're destroying the street sharks.
It destroys any street shark style.
And they stole the idea from me.
I was the first NIGFAG on the block that had a car.
Please stop saying that.
But I'm Chinese.
I'm from Flourishing.
Come on.
Growing up and flourishing,
we would all call each other.
I think you're from upstate New York.
Look, I'm first-generation Taiwanese.
So pardon me if I'm calling my friends NIGFAGs.
Please stop saying that.
I have a question just to change tracks.
But
I was the first person to be destroying the streets with a bunch of sharks on top of my car.
And then that show show came out, and I said, I said, I said, whoa!
I said, hold on a damn minute, moan it.
So, Candidate, Yang, there's been a lot of
hot pot.
So, I'm sorry.
There's been a lot of anti-Chinese nation sentiment after the coronavirus, which
as you know.
What are you talking about?
I don't even know.
There was a virus that came from Wuhan in China.
No, I don't know nothing about that shit.
Anyway, so
what we're trying to do is think about like eBay, but for pussy.
Woo!
The crowd is going wild.
Andrew Yang with a landslide victory in the Ray World primary with running on the platform of eBay for pussy.
Everybody trying to be a circus worker right now, but if you're trying to be a circus worker and you ain't got your shit cert, then you in for suck.
You know what I'm saying?
If you ain't circed, you suck.
That's true.
That's what it's saying.
Because we got a lot of,
you know, they be thinking that people outside of New York be thinking that's for Jews only.
Right.
But, you know, the reality is it increases the sensation.
Not getting circed.
Yeah.
Okay.
I love it.
Andrew Yang, everyone who's from
Baltimore and Oakland, it sounds like at the same time.
Let me explain you something.
Let me explain something to you.
Yes.
Look, you got a hat on, and you go outside.
How's that feel on your head?
The weather, the wind.
Imagine wind issues.
You can't really feel the wind.
Imagine wind.
Okay, so the wind is blowing.
But you take the hat off, and now you got pussy all over your motherfucking face.
Oh, the wind,
pussy dripping down
on your shirt.
Which sounds awesome.
That's why I want to take it a step further.
I'm trying to get all the skin taken off my penis and turf.
Wow, that sounds painful.
I'm trying to have my shit inside earth.
I thought you were for
you were against circumcision.
I've changed my mind.
Somebody said, look, somebody sent me some literature on an earshoot,
and now my position has changed.
It has evolved.
You could even say my position has become circumcised.
Oh, okay.
All right.
It's been turned inside earth.
Because of the metaphor of
a hat on your head and wind being pussy.
Is that what turned it around?
I don't even think about it because that's how, you know, Jews be doing that shit with everything, you know.
That's true.
You wear a hat to hide the fact that you're going bald.
And so the Jews said, why don't we just cut it down to the part where you're actually bald?
Yes.
And then
we can feel all that pussy wind on our
hair.
On our hair.
But not on our bald head.
Where it would slide off.
You want the rest of the hair growing.
You want the hair saturated.
Yeah, it was a wet pussy.
Yeah, a small hat.
Yeah.
A small hat to cover the bald part.
Because pussy juice can be corrosive to the skin.
And they're just doing the same shit with the cocks.
That's awesome.
You know what?
Honestly, Mr.
Yang, you have turned my
vote.
You have turned me around on that.
Yeah, I know we're supposed to be the moderators and be objective.
But between eBay for pussy and getting pussy juice.
He had me as eBay for Pussy.
He had me there as well.
Now, what about the issue of
child molestation?
Yeah, what about that issue?
What about that?
Like, no.
Oh, my bus.
My bus.
What do you mean?
What is your taste?
My bus.
No, my bus.
We got to bring my bus.
Move on, please.
Okay.
Next question.
What about an occupancy tax?
Oh, is that your next tell?
Where are you at?
Who's next telling you?
Sorry, I'm just my shit blowing up.
I'm trying to, I'm not actually, I'm not, I ain't be trying to interrupt
Mr.
Kamala over here.
That's just a, that's not, what do you mean, Mr.
Kamala?
That's just a black guy.
I'm just trying to, you know, my shit be blown up, but
it's just a different bitch.
Yeah, Mr.
Kamala in real life is a Jewish guy.
It's not even a black guy.
Never mind.
Wait, is there a guy named Mr.
Kamala?
Well, this is a situation.
I'm on a deburr stage, and we're debating, and I'm interrupting somebody's answer by pretending girls are blowing up my phone.
Oh, I see, I see.
So it's not girls.
It's not the phone.
It's not.
It's guys.
It's me.
Oh, you're hauling yourself.
It's me making a noise with my mouth.
What What do you have to say?
Thanks for being honest.
Mr.
Yang, please wait.
My shit blurring up.
It's not blurring up.
It's blurring up.
We can see your phone.
It is not lighting up.
And it's bitches that got their pussy hard from my purnis.
That might not serve well with Simmy.
Mr.
Yang, where did you pick this accent up from exactly?
And what is it?
Yeah, is this
a traditional Turwanese accent?
Oh, this is from Terwan.
Yeah, I'm from Turwan.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, I had no idea.
I had no idea, sir.
Yeah, the doctor says it's brain cancer.
The doctor says I got a benign tumor that's grown to half the size of my skull.
Wow.
But it's benign.
Right.
I told him benign.
How about you suck this benign and a half?
That's very funny.
Thank you.
I'll give him that.
That's very funny.
But he's got problems with redistricting.
So you shouldn't vote for that man.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
How many motherfuckers are running?
I'm bringing back bananas and pajamas, but this time you can see the circumcised.
You can see their penises.
The top of the banana.
Let me ask you.
The top of the banana has been peeled down.
So wait, they're all the you're telling me, you're revealing that the bananas and pajamas are actually two cocks, two giant cocks.
No, they're banernas.
But it's a metaphor.
I see, I see.
That's what makes art good.
Do you think some people might think what you're saying is?
Look, so like if I just said, oh, it's about a Polar Express, it's about a train that goes to the North Pole, that would be gay.
But when you say the train, it's actually about the mentality of lifestyles.
That's how you know it's a genius.
Are you a big Robert Zemankis animation fan?
That's how you know it's a genius.
That's the dollar bill, cash mentality.
Dollar bill, cash, money mentality, of course.
Wow.
It's about executive styles of life management.
Between the dollar bill, cash, money mentality and being Chinese and saying the N-word, that locks up a lot of New York.
Yeah, yeah.
And if he flips on circumcision, that's three of the biggest things.
Oh, yeah.
Then you got the worth rocks.
You got Jews, you got Chinese.
You know what I'm saying?
You know, they got circumcision, but I'm trying to get smirkum size.
I'm trying to get a smirkum size.
Oh, smirk himself.
So you want to smile?
Yeah, I said carve my shit up so it looks like my dick is like, what's up, man?
It's smirking.
Hey, how you going, Ma?
You want your penis?
I penis shit smirkum size.
You want your your penis to look like
Keith Ledger and the Joker without his makeup.
So the lip, the hole, the slit, it's got one, it's like the cheeks coming up on one side.
It's like, hey, I see you.
Oh, and that way
you'll come in sort of a crescent moon shape.
Yeah, and I got on the side like a shark mouth tattooed on me.
Oh, yeah, you're at the start.
Like a sailor Jerry, like a girl
that says it ain't over till the fat lady turns.
Oh, wow.
But she's not fat.
The girl.
Yeah, the girl.
She's fun as she's fucking.
I'm fucking that.
That's the girl.
I'm fucking the fine girl.
The fat bitch is just, she's some bitch.
She sings.
That's how you know when shit's done.
Because back in the day in the factory, they used to hire a fat bitch to sing at the end of the day.
That's where that expersion comes.
That's when it was Quentin time.
That's where that expersion comes from.
The expersion.
The expersion because it was the boss's wife.
She'd be like, hey, I'm trying to...
I'm thinking about becoming like a celebrity and trying to sing.
And she would try, and everybody would be like, we got to get the fuck out of here.
This fat bitch, ain't nobody trying to to fuck her ass.
And now she pretends she's talented.
She pretends she's talented instead of just
big.
Thank you, Mr.
Yang.
Once again, you've gone over your time by 45 minutes.
No one is here anymore.
It's just.
All right, don't forget that shit.
The most important takeaway, I invented street sharks.
Damn, it would be awesome if
that's what Andrew Yang sounded like.
Then I would vote for him.
Do you remember when Andrew Yang was first running and I did a Chinese voice and you were like, is that what he's saying?
Yeah, I never heard him talk.
It was possible.
Oh, what was it?
Something in bear ice.
No, it's not possible.
Nick was doing like his hardcore Chinese accent.
It's not.
Why is it not possible?
Because it's not possible.
You guys are racist for thinking that, not me.
I'm the kind of guy that thinks America's ready for a guy that talks like that to be president.
I don't know if we are.
You're not.
I'm ready.
I'm ready.
I don't know if America's ready.
That's the kind of guy I am, though, that I'm giving America the benefit of the doubt.
Well, I'm ready to hear his voice
and then know what it sounds like.
Who the fuck else is running for mayor?
Some chicks.
Oh, nice.
They better.
Suck on my dick.
Suck on my dick.
My pain is a small.
You're gonna go,
suck, suck, suck into my dick.
Sometimes, if I fart and it's like a long, squeaky one, I'll say, ooh, barracuda at the end, and I don't know why.
It doesn't have any relation to the phone.
They hit that a couple times.
Oh, Barracuda!
I don't know why.
It doesn't sound like that.
They hit something in that tenor a couple times in the song.
Do they?
Not right before Barracuda, but you know what?
Depends what kind of food.
Some gay-ass song.
That's about a fish.
About a barracuda fish.
But a scary fish, though.
Wait, barracuds are fish?
Yeah.
Yeah, they're violent.
What the fuck do you think it was?
Some type of cat?
I thought it was like a fucking, like a Tasmanian devil type of thing.
I swear to God.
Doesn't that sound like a furry type of
wolverine type of thing?
You've never watched Legends of the Hidden Demolum?
You're thinking of a Wolverine.
I guess now that you're saying that, I am thinking of a Wolverine.
No, a hundred.
But you know what I thought?
It was something in between Wolverine and like Badger.
No, a barracuda was like small like a sky.
Kind of Tasmanian devil.
Fierce fish.
They made like piranha.
Oh, that's fucking
bad.
Yeah, that does suck.
You don't remember Legends of the Hidden Temple, the Blue Barracudas?
No.
None of us watched it.
You're the only one that watched Barracks.
I did watch that.
I know it was not yesterday.
I was accusing my cat of watching baby shows while I was gone, and that was making me laugh.
I'm like, what are you doing?
Just watching fucking Arthur and Barney and you know
fucking loser.
Fucking idiot.
You cat's
begging for food.
Yeah, they're like, you don't get paying for attention because you watch baby shows.
Instead of me doing bits at the cat that it doesn't understand, and the cat's not even paying attention.
Who knows, man?
Maybe the cat does understand.
Look at this motherfucker.
Oh, that's what a barracuda is, huh?
Let me see it.
Wow, scary.
I gotta say, I think it should be an animal with fur.
All right, well,
write a letter to God.
A barracuda, I will.
There was like one of those medical mystery shows where they like somebody's all fucked up and there was some guy that went to the hospital.
They couldn't figure out what was wrong with him.
It took like two days to figure out that he had just eaten the barracuda that he caught.
Oh, shit.
I got like a braced.
They're bad for you?
We got like a barracuda parasite.
But they're like, is there anything like, I don't know what it could be?
And he's like, well,
I guess I ate this weird fish.
Are you not supposed to eat barracudas?
I think there's a lot of shit you're not supposed to just eat.
Interesting.
Why?
It's a fucking fish.
You chop it up?
Because it's dangerous.
It's a dangerous fish.
I don't give a fuck.
Obviously, if it got that powerful, you have nature decided that it is to be respected.
Yeah, and there's nothing more delicious than fucking b uh forbidden flesh.
Yeah, they don't have predators because they should have tried to taste like shit.
Oh, puffer fish?
Yeah.
Yeah, we should have.
Hell yeah, dude.
I think it's delicious.
That's awesome.
Instead of doing the only thing I did while I was there, which was buy Kit Kats that I thought were special of Japan, but it turns out they sell them to the cat.
The green tea ones.
You know,
they have they do no, no, the green tea ones are here, but there are plenty of ones you can only get in Japan.
Like, what?
They love cats.
Do you know that for a fact?
Yes.
Yeah, they have a million.
We're going to bring over all the.
I mean, I suppose you could order them off the internet.
And it's brought to you by Blue Chew.com.
Blurture.
Let me make sure it's brought to you because I got to start doing this by the end.
Yeah, it is by Blue Chew.com.
Yeah.
This shit is brought to you by motherfucking Blue Chew.com.
My penis doesn't work.
Put your phone down.
I'm looking for the reeds.
No, you're not.
You're checking your fucking...
No.
You're checking your fucking pork no no no send us the reed you should check your penis twice a day for cancer you should check your penis 17 times a day with the man's mouth with blue chew.com if you like sex you love sex.com you love save you love sex if you love blue chew you'll love sex.com
what do you think sex.com's got on it absolutely you never checked it when you were like 11 sex.com that was like the first website i checked hits.com
That was my first step.
Sex.com was the first one I checked.
No, dude, that's why you don't have any imagination.
You got to go to tits.com.
And I was caught, in fact, at the Roland Park Middle School Computer Lab looking up tits.com.
Oh, hell yeah.
What's that?
It's sex.com.
That's awesome.
Oh, nice, dude.
I'm actually
just got a little jump in my cock.
A woman's pussy.
If it would change.
Let's look at sex.
I have to say, I'm rock hard right now because I took a blue chew this morning.
Exactly.
So you just take the Blue Chew.
Oh, nice.
Check out Sildo.
Now, what's she doing with that gigantic dildo?
That thing must be six, five inches.
What kind of human pussy can take all that?
I don't like that kind of pornography.
That's fake.
What is that?
A whole five and a half to six and a quarter inch dildo?
Yeah, that's massive.
That's disgusting.
They're blowing out that woman's pussy.
That dildo must be.
She's going to have incontinence problems from now on.
Yeah, if you like.
If you like blue chew.com, you should check out blue.com.
You should check out blue chew.
If you like to get your dick hard and in a pussy or an ass or a mouth,
or in between a fucking feet or an armpit, whatever the fuck you're into and you're mad, you're just like,
sex.
Go to come.town and then from there buy a shirt.
Don't do your own read in the middle of the read.
But they're different things.
If you wear a come.town shirt while eating the blue shirt.
Okay, put on the shirt and then buy the shirt and then open up Internet Explorer.
Yeah, beat off While you're on there, go to stavi.biz, where there's other shirts that you can also buy.
And if you want to go to Blue Chew.com,
you can check out there are two drugs that they sell.
Yep.
Saladinophil.
And Tadal.
One of them is for Sicilians, and the other is for homosexuals.
You figure out which one.
Tada.
The secret is they're both the same pill.
Tada.
Oh, Tadalophil is for gay magicians who can't get hard.
Well, that's what they say.
They take their preps and they go, Tada.
I'm all cured.
No,
listen, folks, we have a good time.
We joke around in here, but in all seriousness, Tadana Lafil and Sedeta Phil are fucking Seattle and Viagra.
We're being serious here, and you're going to want to take those to get your prick hard as fuck.
The Michew.com affiliated physicians will suck you all.
You'll show them a picture of your cock.
They'll try with all their might to get it hard.
And if they can't, that's the test.
They've hired Corinne Superhead Stevens on the Bluetooth.com staff.
True Bulls, she sucks your cock if it doesn't get hard.
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The Chewbows from Bluetooth.com and taking on a fuller empty stomach.
Online physician console is free, so it's super unit.
Only takes a few minutes to connect with Bluetooth.com.
Affiliate physicians and qualify, you can push out online quickly.
So true.
No person doctor visiting all conversations.
Pharmacy?
None of that stuff.
Secretary's doors and discreet packaging.
That's right.
Discreet.
What if I started getting drunk just for the reads?
That would be awesome.
Let me stop the episode and let me sleep for 12 hours.
How about
flight?
Put a fucking yellow.
Are we ready to do the rest of the show?
Yes, we are.
Yes, I am.
Did I crash that plane?
Yes, I did, and I'll do it again.
What was flight?
He did crash it, but he crashed.
He crashed the plane on purpose to get his penis hard because it makes him calm.
Interesting.
Blue Chew gives you confidence in bed every time.
You and your partner will love it.
Chew it, do it.
That's so fucking true.
That only takes a few minutes to connect with a Bluetooth diet.
Let me tell you, I've had sex with Blue Chew.
I've had sex without Blue Chew.
Same.
And I've shoved it in my head.
And women much prefer when I take Blue Chicken.
Women think his dick sucks.
Without Blue yes.
Without it, and then he takes it and they say it's.
Don't even try and say they also think it sucks.
Hold on, let me go over here.
Do it, do it.
They say it sucks.
What the fuck?
I can hear you, Michael Douglas.
What do you mean, you can't do it?
But it's sexy.
Say it, but if you're whispering, I'm doing it behind his back.
He can't hear me.
Listen here.
Where'd gay Michael Douglas?
Just let him talk.
Just wait one time.
Do you know where he went?
He's whispering.
And I'll tell you.
What's he whispering?
I don't know.
I can't hear you.
We saw his dick, and it was the smallest dick I've ever seen.
I can't hear what you're saying, but it feels like he's lying.
I watched the China Syndrome the other day.
Did you do it by going to Bluechew.com and using the promo code?
Promo code Cometown.
Come Town or Cometown20.
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And it's free.
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It's $5 for shipping.
That's Bluetooth.com.
So the promo code Cometown.
Michael Douglas is in China Syndrome.
Nice.
And,
well, I was watching Richard Jewell at the time.
I watched Richard Jewell, and I said, how about Richard Drool?
And it's about a retarded guy that finds
a bomb at Millennium Park?
No.
Come on.
Sorry.
Yeah.
I start the joke.
All right.
I didn't mean to say that.
And you derail it by saying what it is.
Just the plot.
Just the fool straight away.
Well, it would be a mashup because it would be a retarded guy that finds the ball.
It's a retarded guy that finds choking hazards at the special.
Okay.
That's better.
That's better.
You didn't even consider the Olympics angle.
That's better.
Because Richard Jewell is about the
rule.
Anyways, I said that
creative that was invented.
And he didn't respond.
And then I was watching China Syndrome, and I said, how about China Syndrome?
But they get to
the titular line where the scientist looks at Jane Fawn and he goes, they call it the China syndrome.
She says, why do they call it that?
He goes, because you'd have to be a fucking mongoloid to let that happen.
That's fine.
I'm not familiar with the film, but.
Oh, it's good.
Michael Douglas is in.
He plays a cameraman.
Nice.
I've got this tape you got to see.
It's a woman sucking my penis.
I kept the camera rolling while we were in the nuclear reactor, and I went into the bathroom, and I made a video of me and Jack Lemon having sex.
Dan, what do you think would happen if you had gay sex in a nuclear reactor?
You think it would make you even gayer?
Creates a China syndrome.
Wolfred Bramley's in that movie, too.
What is the China syndrome?
I'm not a Navy guy.
I've been a company man 30 years.
You tell me I'd have gay sex.
He's good at that.
I don't think I've seen it.
What happens?
If they ever made a Chapo movie, Wilford Brimley from 40 years ago should play Matt Christmas.
Plays Matt.
Yeah.
That's good casting.
Yeah.
That's dream casting.
If they made a Come Town movie,
we would have.
Nancy Pelosi is a cunt.
She's got a
vagina vitis.
She's got a vagina vetis.
Your lancets, your medications, delivered directly to your door.
Oh, I see.
Vagina Vetus is diabetes.
When you got a penis?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Have you got guy penis?
Diabetes.
Have you got a guy a penis?
A guy is penis.
Yeah.
The only thing I love more than oatmeal is getting fucked in my ass.
Did he love oatmeal?
That was his thing before Liberty Mutual.
Really?
He was the oatmeal guy.
I had no idea.
You remember that?
I remember him solely from Liberty Mutual and Diabetes.
Liberty, Liberty, Liberty.
Oh, wow.
Liberty came up, huh?
Because now they're everywhere.
They got that emu or no, is that a different guy?
Who fucking cares?
Fuck commercials.
Yeah.
I don't care about any commercials other than Blue True.com.
The only commercials I care about are
eating oatmeal is the only thing I know how to do.
And some other commercial in about 15 minutes, probably.
You know, when I was a kid and got a hold of a nickel, I thought I was rich.
I didn't turn up my nose at pennies either.
Today, some folks won't even bend to pick them up.
I remember this ad because I fucked with a little bit of a bowl of steaming Quaker oatmeal, and I can't think of a healthier way to start today.
Cost you one nickel and four pennies.
So, if you can't be bothered with nickels and pennies, throw them in a jar.
Start an oatmeal fund, Quaker Oats.
That is the right thing to do.
It's a right thing to do.
Yeah.
When I was a kid, back when they invented pennies, I mean, what the fuck is that?
That is such a depressing thing.
Are you so poor your breakfast needs to cost nine cents?
What are you offering?
Damn, dude.
Back when I was a kid.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't want some oatmeal right now.
I'm not an oatmeal guy.
I love oatmeal.
I like it when you dress it up, you know, with fruits.
That's one of the things I mentioned.
It's a payment
about being on the road.
Is you wake up at some shitty motel and you go downstairs and you mix the oatmeal with a bottle with tricks?
With Activia.
You make a nice big bowl of Activia Oatmeal.
That sounds horrible.
See, I'm over here eating fucking four of those Danishes, pre-wrapped Danishes.
I was on the road with Lewis and Dave one time.
And I drove, we borrowed Bobby's car and I drove to Detroit for them and Bobby's car.
I remember that.
You had that fucking show in a strip club?
Yeah, and it was like, if we drove, I forget how.
I drove like fucking maybe seven hours at night.
Oh, Jesus.
And we got to the motel like way late, and Lewis was like about to get into a fight with the guy at the, like, Lewis was immediate as soon as we get there.
He's like, What do you mean the fucking rooms aren't?
You know, and the guy's like,
We don't have reservation.
He's like, at some shitty motel.
And he's like, bro, you're going to find a fucking.
And so I'm like, I'm not.
And I just immediately, because I'm like, I'm figuring they're going to call the cops.
We're going to have to leave.
So I just like went to the breakfast area and started eating right before anything.
Respect, respect.
And then eventually it got ready to
Lewis comes over and he's like, what are you doing?
You're an animal.
And I'm like, me?
You're about to hate crime this Indian man.
I'm just trying to get free kicks.
You're about to just over the overnight guy who works the desk at a holiday inn.
Yeah.
Dude, that motel was such a dump.
They had like, you know, like some places you go, it's like, feel free to take our towels, but keep in mind there's a service charge for you.
So this place had one one of those signs, but it was like, had a listing of prices, and the towels are like $25.
Hilarious.
But then it's like the TV is $500.
The mirror in the bathroom is a price.
Yeah, dude.
People probably just don't know.
That's a real Andrew Yang move is to keep the TV from a hotel room.
Yeah.
What a funny thing to do.
Like, they're not going to notice.
Well, I think they're like, huh.
I think if you're doing that, you're just trashing it, right?
No one's stealing TVs from a hotel room, are they?
I think you're just getting fucked up off.
You want this Magnavox from 1989?
Yeah.
You need this fucking
Ray Tube TV.
What's that?
Cathode Ray Tube.
Is that the name?
I forget.
Yeah, she's one of the cooking women.
Cathode Ray?
Yeah, Cathy Ray Tube.
Oh, yeah, I know.
Cathy Ray Tube.
Y'all, we're making chocolate cocks filled with
the Bernays
yummy yeah
oh I want to suck I want to get my dick sucked by Kathy Tube Kathy Tube
what's the wish she'd be so nice about sucking your dick she'd be nice to you after she sucked it oh she'd be she'd love it dude she's a kind of
like thank you Joanne Fabrics vice are worms and women not normally nice to you afterwards no I mean they're like get out Adam yeah that she'd be like thank you for that for the cup that was delicious That was great.
Get out of my high school.
Get out.
Get out.
You don't even go here.
Get out of
Benjamin Netanyahu Elementary School.
Hey,
right now.
I am going to report you if you don't leave the Golden My Ear auditorium right this instant.
I am the club advisor for the comedy club here at Benjamin Nets on Yahoo Elementary.
Okay?
I'm I'm trying to bolster my resume at 33
by helping out after school, teaching them comedy.
I got to give it to Israel in terms of that they did do
some impressive wars.
I got to admit, the Six-Day Wars.
The Six-Day War is pretty cool.
Now, I wish they didn't do genocide right after that, but the war itself, you got to give them props for that.
The war on Getting Percy?
The war on Getting Percy.
My friend's name is Percy.
I'm like, come on, bro.
That can't be your real name.
Yeah.
That guy, that character, this weird version of Andrew Yang getting mad because he saw the movie Percy Jackson.
Yeah, and it's not actually.
What the hell is this?
I thought I was about to watch Samuel L.
Jackson get Percy.
Yeah,
I'm trying to have Percy an evening with some Percy.
I'm actually, what about, what do you guys think of this for...
A phrase to say that you are a Vietnam veteran.
Because
you got pussy in Vietnam.
Vietnam.
But you weren't in the war.
You just went to Vietnam to get pussy.
You just went for the vibes.
The vibes, dude.
I bet you the Vietnamese vibes are pretty good right now.
Over there, right now?
Yeah, that's probably great.
They probably lock the fuck down.
Probably better than here.
Probably don't have coronavirus.
And you get a big bowl of pho, some spring rolls, get your dick sucked pretty cheap on the cheap.
Or ride a Rickstraw.
That'd be awesome.
Go to Ho Chi Minh City, get some pussy.
I would love that.
That's such a good name for a place.
Ho Chi Minh City, bro.
I'm about to grow his facial hair, start wearing a little hat like that.
You should get a food man, too.
Stavros Chi Minh.
Stav Chi Minh.
You could look a little Asian, actually.
Scrooge.
When I went to Popular Jewelry to fucking get a couple.
They thought you were Chinese?
They asked me if I was Chinese.
That's so sick.
You should have said yes for the discount.
I should have.
For the family discount.
I feel like now, though, growing out my hair, I look much more Greek.
I feel like this is the haircut of Greek excellence, a balding, long flow.
Actually, that's true.
I had a guy
on my old my old apartment on my block that was a like a buzz cut fat asian like chinese guy he looked a lot like you actually yeah buzz cuts are the great equalizer with a fat guy a lot of fat people just look
you can either look chiny if you're fat if your cheeks go a certain way it gives you a little asiatic flavor i think it's safe to say how about tug butt cheer let's hear it no i got nothing on that one tug butt cheer sorry i'm gonna have to make a coffee real quick.
Why don't you drink the coffee you have there?
I already finished it.
You really are a coffee addict.
You're addicted to Java.
Well, you got to understand.
It's like something's got to power.
The machine.
I just did a flawless Andrew Yang.
That was really good.
That was really good.
And to stay on note, I mean, you got to be able to.
They should give us credit for what?
You really need drugs to
get going.
Maybe you should do drugs, dude.
Butt cheeks.
But cheeks.
Butt cheeks.
Don't you understand?
His cheeks have been clapped.
Someone clapped his cheeks.
Stuff.
Are you telling me?
She scratched you?
Sorry, dude.
Oh, her shit's all over my jacket, man.
Somebody told me.
Come on, man.
Stop coming out.
Are you going to complain about the cat?
Do you see my eyes right now?
You're the one we were supposed to do with this at your apartment, but you said we have to do it.
We can do it at mine, dude.
I'm so allergic to this fucking cat.
We had to switch it to yours.
I had to move for one week.
We can go back to mine.
It's fine.
We can use the living room.
We have three chairs there.
I won't have to sit on a box anymore.
I've been sitting on a box the last three weeks.
I'm going, if you say another word, I'm going to kill your dog with Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu boots.
No, you can kill my dog anyway.
Why don't you fucking hang up your fucking coat next time, bro?
Where does he have a hang for that?
He has a claw.
He has a coat closet.
Oh, that's true.
Put your fucking phone away.
He's going to make coffee my money.
I had didn't check my money.
Anyway,
Wall Street.
Okay.
Stop.
Do you see how much hair there is on that jacket?
I'm not.
That is a quote.
That's a disrespectful amount of hair.
That is.
Oh, my God.
That is a nick amount of shit.
I'm not going to shed all over.
Nick did that.
It'd be like, I don't know what you're talking about.
That's pretty funny.
Oh, my gosh.
Okay.
Anyway, we'll deal with that after the show.
You have a lint roller, Nick?
He's not answering me.
It is so funny.
You're allergic to cats.
I forgot.
I hate it, dude.
I hate these cocksuckers.
I think I'm allergic to my dog anyway, but I can't get rid of her.
You're allergic to your dog?
I love her too much.
Sometimes her fur makes me itching.
When you put her tail in her hair,
you use her fucking tail as a dildo.
Well, her tail is
she can move it in four different directions.
It's better than a real peanut.
Do you think you could train her to hit your G-spot with her tail?
Do you think I could?
Have you ever had your prostate stimulated, Adam?
I had a prostate exam once.
Was the doctor finger fucking you?
The doctor presses on your prostate.
Okay.
And he said, and I was an old man, he said, this is going to feel like you need to pee.
And it really does.
Wow.
I wouldn't say it was pleasant.
You think if you worked it a little better, it would have felt good?
I don't know.
That's what gay guys, I guess, that's the ultimate for them is feeling like they need to pee.
Really?
From some guy's fingers in their ass.
Is that the ultimate gay guy desire?
I don't know.
Getting your ass stimulated?
Feeling like you need to pee?
I assume that's the point.
Yeah, I guess so.
Unless you like the same thing.
Based on my limited experience of having things in my ass.
That seems to be the point of that.
32, right?
Being 32.
I think it's time I got the stiffler treatment and got finger fucked by a hot lady.
Got milked?
Why not?
At this point, what the fuck is going on?
Yeah, I guess so.
I I mean, I'm not opposed to it, but
based on that doctor's.
It sounds like you are.
It sounds like you're a fucking coward.
I'm not a homophobe, and I'm not a coward.
You're both.
I'm both.
You're a coward who's scared of gay men.
Yeah.
It's true.
The hatred shouldn't be phobe.
It should be a different word.
Uh-oh, here we go.
Yeah, thanks.
Go off.
Let's do it.
This is your ISO.
This is your ISO.
This is my
observational.
You get 30 more seconds.
Okay, so if I'm a homophobe, that means I'm just like, ah, so
that's really good.
It should be something I haven't heard before.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've definitely never heard that before.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's such an original bit.
Thanks.
By the way, Nick said it's an original bit, everyone.
I probably from his kitchen.
I mean, first of all,
it's not an original bit.
Second of all, I've probably said it three times on this show, and it's probably stolen it already.
And that's probably, and that's, you guys probably came back with that.
I feel like I was living in a ground house.
I think it's a good premise.
Thank you, dude.
Let's see.
I had some thoughts about something that I wanted to bring up on the show, but I forgot.
Oh, I want to say I'm jealous of Joe Biden, dude.
Why?
Because
he gets to just be
rocks, dude.
He doesn't know where the fuck he is.
All he did was get one cool black friend.
If you get a black friend cool enough, all your dreams can come true.
I don't know.
I think all
those little kids at the
friends.
What was the guy's name, Slipknot or Blackjack?
Cornpop.
Corn Pop.
I think Corn Pop was probably his friend.
I guess that's true.
He made two cool black friends, Corn Pop and Barry O.
Yeah.
No, his granddaughter posted a picture of him from President's Day where she
bought him a bunch of stuff that says that he's the president on it, like a president
and a president jacket and stuff.
And he looks so so utterly confused.
Yeah, dude, like happy president's day, we got you all this cool swag.
And he looks like he does not know where he is.
I love him, dude.
I wish that was my fucking life.
You just accidentally fell into your career dream.
Come on, man.
What I'm now the president.
That's my daughter.
They got me a delta.
It has the seal.
It says Ask Force One.
That'd be cool.
Big long belt.
It says Ask Force One on the side.
And you can, you, when you sit down on a 15-inch tilde, well, the second that, but the second it reaches your brain, you feel that's how that's how you get the thinking started.
That's how I couldn't think about anything until I sat on that big cock.
Big cock.
I put the big cock in my ass.
It would be awesome if he just had a fucking plug in at all times.
I plug up.
He's got a plug and two nipple rings.
American people want to see
a big cock of my ass.
I hope they let him do an audio book.
I think he'd be a good narrator.
One fish, two fish, red fish, bullfish.
That's two different fish.
He's got two fish.
There's just this guy down the street selling fish went over there and said, why don't you give me a f a hand job
chapter two if you want curses
we can either
bust that there was a guy named Dickhead Faggot we he was he was his dad owned the railroad and we would all go over to his house and we'd compare our dick sizes
and I remember there was a guy named Big Cock Larry and we thought he had the biggest cock but he pulled his pants down to his regular size wow and turns out it was actually a mongoloid mongloid that had the biggest one.
Anyways, if you like Joe Biden, you can find out more about him at MacWaldon.com.
They have a MacWaldon.
Go to the Joe Biden tag.
MacWeldon.com slash Walden.
Joe Biden.
Mac Touches.
MacWaldon.com slash touch me.
Touch me.
Touch my dick.
If you suck my hog, then I'll fuck your ass.
You can make me.
You can fuck my ass.
Fuck me in my ass.
Why don't you suck me there?
Suck my dick.
I can't wait to get fucking memory.
I'm fucking gay.
My dick is small.
Stuff my bussy.
Mac, well,
they got a simple Pratt fabrics here.
I love simple fabrics.
I hate when they get simple fabrics.
They're just complicated.
Simple fabrics for simple minds.
I'll tell you what.
I had to buy some Long Johns recently.
I have some Long Johns from Mac Wells.
And it was such a pain in the ass to have to go figure out how to buy them.
I ended up just completely nude in the middle of Fifth Avenue.
That's right.
With a
sandwich board that said, I hate the N-word.
Right.
And then I'm trying to explain to everyone.
It's like, no, I hate when people say it.
Can't you see the quotation marks around it?
Yeah.
It's because someone's saying it.
That's what I hate.
What a cool scene in a movie.
It is pretty good.
We founded Mac Weldon.
We did.
Because we wanted more out of our basics and always questioned how something so essential could be such a pain in the ass to buy.
Thank you.
I've been questioning that for years.
Yeah, that's a good question.
The frustration was real.
And the Eureka moment happened in a department store aisle full of brands that dominated our top drawers, surrounded by a mind-numbing assortment of underwear and socks, who realized consistent fitness.
Adam, Adam, stay on your box, please.
No, my box is hurting my box.
Stay on your box.
You're fucking up the feng shui, dude.
No, no, I'm looking at you like this.
You're not even looking at you.
You guys are so comfortable in the guy's back turn his box.
You're looking at him the way Kate looks at Jack and Titanic.
Hornily.
Yeah.
With your pussy fucking dripping.
Your pussy saturating.
Why don't you tell him about a long island where you guys are?
Well, let me say this.
I, for years, was pretending I had ever worn Mac Willis.
But really, are.
I literally am.
Look, I'll prove it.
I'm wearing it right now.
I know you are.
Let me see, am I?
Let me see.
Just a little bit lower.
It looks like a vagina.
That looked, I mean, I just.
I pulled my pubic hair out.
Yes, I trimmed my pair.
You pulled your pubic hair out?
Yes, I trimmed my pubic.
What am I?
I fucking in the mouth.
I don't trim my pubic.
No, I use a Norelco One Blade to give it a little bit.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No, you use a Playbook.
I don't think we've gotten money from anybody else in a while.
Okay.
I've used the Norelco One Blade.
Thank you very much.
Until the check clears.
That's what I use.
Mac Weldon.
Mac Weldon, on the other hand.
The underwear is really nice.
In fact, I'm like, they keep sending me a promo code that, like, a one for us that just gets.
Yeah, why can't I?
Shut up.
I've never gotten it either.
They get it for free, but then one for you.
Well, they send it to me because it's always been a good thing.
The media code.
I think Nick deserves it.
He fucking does all the animals.
He deserves the free underwear.
You can buy your fucking underwear.
Yeah, I will.
You can go to MacWeldon.
How about I buy you some damn?
How about you buy me some underwear?
You go to MacWeldon.com, promo code, what is it?
Come Town 20 or Come Town.
Anyway, I bought the long underwear.
I love it.
I've been going on walks.
Everyone knows.
Everyone by this point must be acquainted with the fact that I am the 20,000 step bastard and I get around 9 to 10 miles a day walking on most days.
In the winter, that's difficult to do.
I bought some cheap fucking bullshit long johns.
They would bunch my nuts up.
I would get fucking jaws.
Some of those guys are.
It was horrible.
I said to myself, what the fuck am I doing?
We got a fucking sponsor here that makes underwear so beautiful it'll make you cry.
Honestly, let me buy it.
When I run out of MacWald and underwear and have to go back to wearing my other underwear
before doing laundry, it makes me pissed off.
It pisses me the fuck off.
It makes me really fucking angry.
Me too.
And he takes it out on the people in his life.
No, I don't.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Stop it, dude.
Don't interrupt me on a good underwear day.
I'm sorry.
I got my MacWalden underwear.
Come on, let him.
Come on, cool out.
Cool out.
Leave the kid alone.
He doesn't know what he's doing.
Cool on out.
Cool on out.
Ready to bring your gun to the Palisades Mall
and show everyone.
That would be awesome.
I was watching.
Never mind.
On the local news, there was a savage attack in a Brooklyn Mall the other day.
Really?
Yeah, they said that before the commercial
Fangard News Network.
Was Was it a guy wearing Rihanna's lingerie line?
I don't know.
Oh, Savage Fenty.
Which, by the way, of course, we saw that pic, dude.
I would honestly, honestly, Adam, I would shoot you at point-blank range to have sex with.
I would die tomorrow for one second.
I would shoot your nose off with an elephant rifle to have sex with her.
I would shoot my own nose off.
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
What do I mean?
Oh, sorry, I said what I was texting.
He He literally did, folks.
You might think Nick was joking.
I saw him X out of his text box.
Mac Weldon will be the most comfortable in the wear sock shirts.
Comfortable, warm.
Hoodies and sweatpants and more that you will ever wear.
I'm going to start talking like Spinner from Degrassi.
Oh, I like that for you.
Dude, I've had, I've told multiple women.
I've been watching Degrassi with Strange Women.
Nice.
I love chicks.
Numerous people I've told that Spinner is the character is supposed to have Down syndrome.
And they believe it?
100% hit rate.
Nice.
I love that.
They probably really believe it.
They're not just like, why won't this guy shut the fuck up about the grassy?
Yeah, no, it's the way I said it.
I'm not the one that's.
They're like, uh-huh, they're putting their fucking shoes on that.
They're not coming.
You're confusing your dates when you're like
showing off your Eminem collection.
You're like, this is the blue one.
He's the smart one.
First of all, I would eat my.
Pick a side with me.
If i'm so fat in your fucking little fantasies i'm eating the fucking m's before there's a chance
i would eat those two out of being confused and hungry thank you very much this character of stomros that you've created oh you would accuse him of eating these plushies i crushed um now who's mad about characters
don't you try to instigate
because you can create i wasn't even paying attention to what you're saying i was just like whoa adam likes a little sparring match between the two titans of the podcast.
He's this guy.
And guess what I am?
He's a gay little Japanese guy going, oh.
You have to stop a muffra.
I did good on Valentine's.
I made spaghetti meatballs.
Nice, man.
Where did this?
Who asked?
I just wanted my boys to know.
But what did that have to do with that?
Because we're talking about the empty women, the empty sex that we have.
I'm just telling you guys, giving you something that inspires me to blitz.
Maybe you get a girlfriend.
I don't even fuck anymore.
I just force people to watch the grasses.
I'm just saying, maybe you get a girlfriend and you make from scratch
spaghetti and meatballs.
No, I'm not doing that shit.
What?
That sounds crazy.
I'm saying I mix half pork, half ground beef.
And you know what?
Instead of milk, you know what I used?
I used ricotta.
It was more, it was richer.
And then I had
put a nice spice on the bottom.
You'll be richer if you put on MacWald and
your dick will feel like a million bucks.
If you don't like it, you could.
Or your pussy.
If you don't like it, they'll refund you
order.
And if you get a fucking
no-risk guarantee, you get
$1020.
Yeah, the no-risk guarantee.
I think they send you free underwear on your birthday or something.
That might be something.
They got the MacWaldon Loyalty Blue or something.
I love being a part of the Blue.
You'll see it.
Look, go there and you sign up for the Blue Network.
And if you spend
you sign up, and you get something like 20% off every order if you spend over $6 million.
Yeah, just like this.
6 million yen, which is much lower than 20%.
6 million yen in general.
Which is what Mr.
Yang wants to convert us to.
Andrew Slurn.
Andrew Slurn.
You got to check it out, Mercwill.com.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Thank you, you, Andrew.
Damn.
Andrew Urin.
Andrew Uren.
My name is Andrew Uren.
No, that's how we say it in Erkland.
And Erkland is
Andrew Uren.
Terra Wearn.
I love having wearing derpers.
I love putting on my Mac World and derpers.
Mac World and should start doing diapers.
Derpers for wiggers.
Derpers?
Derpers for workers.
What do we miss here?
Spaghetti and meatballs.
Do not share promo code.
20% off your first order, MacWorld.com.
Where the fuck is this loyalty?
Because that's the thing they want.
Okay.
So, yeah, we're still doing the read, and I want to say...
I love the loyalty program.
I'm a part of it.
Look, to be honest with you, I don't fuck around with any of that shit because I get the underwear for free.
But I do.
But
here's how much I enjoy the underwear: I've harassed the media company buyer for additional promo codes so I can get even more of it for free.
Sounds fair to me.
Yeah.
But I would pay for it.
It's just it would be foolish of me not to try and Nick is a capitalist at heart.
My heart, I'm a captain of industry.
And how you make money is begging for free.
Capitalism, bad.
Captainalism?
Now that's cool.
That is cool.
It's going to be so funny how gay all of this
socialism is.
Yeah.
Well, just the online world of...
What are you doing?
You're the idiot.
I'm just blocking out the lights.
I'm just playing like a little game.
What are you playing?
What are you doing?
Okay, for the...
Sometimes you literally have the mind of a gay cat.
No, that was like a cat.
You were like a cat playing with a laser pointer just now.
Bro, I didn't even plan.
I wasn't, I was totally just my body took over.
I was like,
no, I mean, you're playing like a baby's game of object completion or whatever the
yeah.
I'm playing peekaboo with your lights.
I like the orange hue.
It's cool.
Yeah, it is nice.
It's nice at night when I put on westerns.
Oh, hell yeah.
I love that.
In fact,
I got the light bulbs that change colors?
Yeah, and I got blackout curtains too.
I can give you a little O Sam Powell out there.
That's very nice.
MacWeldon.com
promo code ComeTown20.
And sign up for the fucking Blue Netflix.
The Blue Netflix.
Support the Blue.
Back the Blue.
Back the Blue.
Mac Weldon.
Blue Lives Matter.
For every order, a dollar goes to Officer Brian Sicknick's family, who was raped to death at the castle.
This fucking bastard pig, R.I.P.,
had a fire extinguisher shoved in his ass.
All cops are bastards,
especially.
This guy's good, though.
No, especially.
Bastard, but he's a dead bad guy.
He's the kind of bastard like Sean Connery would respect him after being his enemy.
Yeah, he's a bastard, but he's a hero.
I'm anti-fuck, but he's very hears.
Very good guy.
Yeah, Mumbai Sean Connery.
Oh, Bombay, Sean.
Raj Connery.
My name is Bon James Bond
and I want to give a kiss your possession.
That's awesome, man.
Oh, fuck, dude.
Sucking a dick because I'm gay.
Putting a dick inside my ass.
If you like Come Town and you're upset with the quality of this episode, you can always go to patreon.com slash come town and sign up and get an additional phoned in.
But yeah.
No, no, the really good ones are there.
No, no, we save the really good ones.
We don't sell out any of the other things.
Those ones are the writer's room.
Yeah, we plan them out for scripted.
We got Asian girls, Indian girls,
black girls.
We got whatever the fuck.
All types of girls writing our episodes
patreon.com it's basically um mambo number five yeah writer's room yeah we got pamela i wanna it would be funny if i could manage to somehow still have a conversation with anybody at any fucking
anybody in the industry to just be like i got this idea for a show and i think it'd be really good but basically it's like it would be like sort of um
Kind of like a man on the street thing, but we like really try to tackle the issue of gentrification and figure out what's going on with that.
Okay.
And then that's it.
That's the pitch.
But a comedic, it's a comedic look at gentrification.
Oh, that'd be funny.
Because that's what I think a lot of people, they don't even understand.
Dude, I've never heard that discussed.
Yeah.
We should talk about stuff like we should talk about like it's crazy how neighborhoods change.
We should do a show about like a white privilege, I think.
Do you think the world's ready for that?
I don't think so.
It's very funny, too.
We all know that.
I think we should do a show about a guy who keeps shitting his pants.
We should.
That would be an awesome movie.
We should do a show about an Indian guy who grew up with doctors as parents.
It would be funny if Comedy Central just now, like in the last month, aired four different shows about Joe Biden.
Yeah.
That were all like
president dumbass and cartoon Joe.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The idiot.
Yeah, yeah.
They just do that with every president.
That would be honorable.
They all tank.
I wouldn't watch a Joe Biden show, man.
Yeah, he is so he's a good character.
If you put a dick in my ass,
I would watch that before I watch a Trump show.
Yeah, that has the opportunity to be actually funny.
Biden is hilarious.
I said, listen, Cole House, imagine how mad Hillary Clinton is.
Mayor Clinton, she sees a picture of Joe Biden as president.
Mayor Clinton were talking about making a movie.
And I said, what kind of movie?
He said, take your pants off.
I'll show you.
I said, I don't know about that.
That seems kind of weird.
But you gotta, you gotta, sometimes you gotta do weird things so you can go ahead and do the right thing.
You gotta do stuff that f feels weird just so you can help some guy get off.
Damn, Joe Biden and Clint Eastwood having gay sex.
That would be awesome, dude.
Joe, why don't you take your pants off?
Joe, what the hell are you doing?
Sucking your cock.
So you're sucking my cock,
Well,
good job.
Are you feeling gay?
You gotta ask yourself that question.
Where am I?
That's not the right question.
Where the hell am I?
We're in the master bathroom.
We're in a handicapped stall in the food station.
I know, guys,
that would be awesome if they got caught having gay sex in a public restroom.
There's that guy
Joe Pod in there.
So I walk in there, and there's the president.
Wow, it's my lucky day.
And I said, fellas,
you're stealing my bits.
I'll forgive you if you let me suck your cocks.
Oh, we got a friend.
We call him Gay Joe.
Chicken, gay Joe will come by and he live in the bathroom.
The president is having lunch.
The president will be getting lunch.
He's having his 3 p.m.
dinner.
Now everybody just can't wait to suck off this Jen Sacky woman.
Who's that?
The press secretary.
They like her.
Do you want to fuck her?
I mean, I would, but I wouldn't be that thorough.
The red has
the best.
She's perfect.
She can suck my little prick as far as I'm concerned.
Yeah.
It's just like, she's just going to lie.
Like, everyone's like, oh, it's just so nice to have somebody who doesn't lie to you.
It's so funny.
Who loves facts?
It's like, no, she's
lying.
It's so funny to go back to just concentrating on myself instead of making everything about myself via politics.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
It's so refreshing to have a woman who says, I will look into that for you, Dale.
The American people should know I accidentally got my dick ripped off in a toaster oven.
I thought you could fuck it, and it turns out you can.
If you put your penis
in a toaster.
In a toaster.
I can't remember what he sounds like.
I mean, it's fucking.
It doesn't matter.
That's a good approximation.
It's so elusive.
Yeah.
I'm just going to cruise and pretend.
Does he talk in public anymore?
I think they hit him away.
That's why it's hard.
They hit him away.
That was the nice thing about the campaign is he had to contractually speak.
And he wasn't even out there that much.
No, they hit him away.
There's debates and one one speech every month.
On Zoom.
Little Little Have a Star.
Tell us where you wonder are.
Up above the clouds so high.
Joe, that's Joe, go back to bed.
You're having a stroke.
It'd be cool if we had a deep fake president, though.
Yeah.
I remember a song I used to sing to Bo when he was going to sleep.
Little Little Have a Star.
Little Little How.
How I Wonder How You Are.
Up above the Clouds So High.
Wonder why it's you and I.
Where's Hunter?
Is he getting pussy?
Yeah, he's back getting pussy.
I love that guy.
He's trying to be an artist, too.
Yeah,
trying to do art.
Hunter, you're invited to become on the podcast.
Me and my dad, we used to smoke crack together.
We're going to have all the hunters on.
What is that?
Just what Hunter Virus sounds like?
He has a little bit of it.
It's obviously his dad, but yeah.
Does he?
I don't know what his voice sounds like at all, actually.
Sounds like my cock going into your mouth, man.
It does sound like that.
That's rude, Mr.
President.
It does sound like that, Adam.
That's rude to me.
Sounds like taking a shit.
Sounds like shitting in your own pussy.
I'm gay.
Suck
my dick.
Let's get another tequila on the way.
Suck my dick.
Nah, let's just fucking
shut up.
I'm gay.
Shut up my penis.
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