Ep. 246 – Indiana Loans
this belongs in a bank
Listen and follow along
Transcript
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I've never had sex before
I've never had sex before.
We're just finished watching Wanted.
A great flick.
If you're just joining us.
If you're just joining us, live from New York, it's come town.
It's come town with musical guests.
With musical guests, the FAG.
Now is Adam.
You're hosting Adam.
Yeah.
And your host, Adam Friedlove, featuring
Najambu, Jijabande, Nazim Pedras,
Diditi Do-Do-Do-De-Doo, Will Farrell,
Donald Drum, Donald Trump, E.
Honda,
but it's a gay version.
But he's sucking dear.
Gay Honda.
Jar Jar Bing
with his dick out.
and a 12-year-old black girl that has done three tweets
with musical director
VAG Smith
Shouts out.
Shouts out to GE.
Yeah, we need a band.
Come town live.
It's my my ass.
I'm gay.
It's pictures of my ass.
My asshole is spread open.
Everyone can see my penis.
It's Saturday night.
They should let that guy talk for the whole sketch.
That guy rule the announcing.
This sketch fucking sucks.
This is gay bullshit.
This shit is not fucking funny.
There was maybe one punchline in seven minutes.
This is barely an idea.
It ended with a man leaving a room.
Oh, man.
Yep.
Yeah.
You know who actually is that guy now?
It's Daryl Hammond.
He does the announcement.
He's the announcer.
He's one of the SNL guys I will forever follow.
He rules.
Tiny Penis.
He's a haunted.
Tiny penis.
He's haunted by demons.
He really truly is.
And it's just, you would never know unless you were told.
Yeah.
My man is a big-time addict.
And
he's getting pussy for money.
He's paying for pussy.
He's paying for pussy.
Check us the fucking Prostitutes.
Have you ever been fucked in your ass?
I want to have gay sex.
Mules are cold grass.
Say anyone.
Just say somebody.
Somebody, fuck me.
The man.
What does the fuck say?
What do the five fingers say to the face?
That's funny.
Sorry, I gotta...
Hold on.
We just said
the old switcheroo here.
No sweat.
Can I just say wanted?
It was quite the film.
Well, the only thing that would have made it better is if James McAvoy got pussy
and totally.
I think we can agree that would have been incredible.
It was a disappointment, but
I like the overarching message that you can bend a bullet by
stop being a pussy.
You stop being a bitch and you stop taking bullets.
You can eat my ass.
You can fuck my ass
if you want to.
If you're gay,
if you wanna have sex with me, all you gotta do is use a gun.
How you doing tonight, folks?
Hey, how we doing, folks?
Beautiful family got there, sir.
Yeah, it's nice.
If you wanna fuck my mouth,
you just need a gun.
Pull out a gun.
Pull out your car.
You know, a lot of people think things went down a hill after I was railroaded out of Vegas by the gay community.
Things have I've been doing okay here in Dover.
I've got my,
you know,
I'm here at the local Perkins singing every Thursday night.
That's right.
Try the meatloaf, folks.
They really don't like me, but,
you know, I mean, you do what you can in life.
Okay.
You do what you can, and you get your ass fucked.
This sketch blow.
This is bullshit.
This is fucking garbage.
What about Italian guys and they're saying
cork soaker?
Oh, that was funny.
Well, you can say the Coca-Cola.
Yeah, the Coca-Cola.
She's soca.
Yeah, that was funny.
No, I'm saying that is an original idea.
Yeah, that would be funny.
Wouldn't that be a good original idea?
That would be funny, yeah.
It's soca core.
An original idea.
Just kidding.
Psych.
We're just kidding around.
Here's a celebrity doing a really shitty impression.
How about something about social distancing?
Maybe I'll sketch about a Zoom call.
Fuck these.
But
yeah, Wanted.
You guys want to keep talking about Wanted?
Yeah, sure.
Good movie.
That's my thing.
Redo Wanted, but it's funny.
Like next week, there's an SNL sketch where it's the movie wanted, but the guy finds out that he's the Subway mascot.
That's good.
And not an assassin.
That's awesome.
Yeah, that's how.
Okay, here's how we're going to test if they're really stealing.
If they do a sketch,
where Morgan Freeman is like,
you're actually,
your father was Subway Jared.
It's a movie from 2008.
It's a movie from what a coincidence that this came up on this seasons F's and L.
15 years ago.
And now you're the only person.
Coincidentally, we wrote a sketch about it.
These threads that are weaved decide which children should be fucked.
Your father was fucking children out of turn, and so we had to stop him.
Fuck dude.
It was awesome, man.
It's just nice to see.
What was that?
2000, what year do you know, Adam?
2007.
Yeah.
2000.
Before Obama had to ruin it.
Yeah.
But when America was good.
That's right.
Right.
I just loved the fucking whole vibe.
That was like the first year I was like an adult.
07 is when I graduated high school.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Polly.
Shouts out to the Baltimore Polytechnic Institute.
Class of 07.
Adam, when did you graduate?
2005.
Oh, the class of 05, FUBU.
The FUBU 05.
Why FUBU?
Because in the FUBU jerseys, they always had 05 on it.
Fuck us, but us.
Fuck us, butt, us.
Fuck us, but.
Yeah.
Yep, that's it.
I just want to have sex
in my
dick and balls.
Mama.
Let me
let me song young dick.
Yeah, the vibes are very.
you guys go go treat yourself to a little wanted there was a yeah, it was big energy drink energy a lot of energy drink a lot of full-body tribals a lot of full-body tribals we had um common making his I'm not gonna say debut, but it was one of his first
James McIlvoy really that I feel like was that his what was that his first big movie?
Uh
no, he was in Atonement, wasn't he?
Atonement.
What the fuck is that?
I only know about it because there's a sex scene with Kira Knightley that I've watched a bunch of times.
You're in a library.
It's a good sex scene.
How is she getting fucked?
She never really did it for me, but the sex scene was.
How is she getting fucked?
I don't know, library style.
It's messed up.
You're masturbating without us, dude.
I know.
I should have I tried to tell you guys of all the stuff that I'm saying.
You should have told your girlfriend, hey, it's Guy's Night.
Yeah.
Guy's night.
We're going to just play some poker, get some cigars.
Yeah, we're doing like the whole fellas are coming up.
And then we just watch a movie.
We're just doing people people in the garage we all sit around smoking cigars and masturbating
we have an ipad with the new grounds game where you put clothes on britney spears yeah and we're gonna take them all off yeah we're gaming all right
we're taking them off and we're smoking cigars out in the garage and masturbating on our little green table
yeah just like the fellas are wont to do yeah we're gonna we got a we got an emulator game and it's a card game and if you win um it's anime girls that strip, you can see them for about four seconds.
Yeah, we're all beating the game, and then right when you see those four seconds, we're beating off.
And it's also like Nintendo NES graphics, so the titties are square.
We have a TV in the little table, and it's hooked up to a PS2.
And it's got Vice City loaded in there, and it goes into the strip club.
We're all beating the game.
Just being guys.
To the Vice City Strip Club VIP.
That shit was so hot.
Yeah.
And if you win the whole game, you get to fucking.
We're masturbating the Candy Sucks from Vice City.
That's right.
Candy Sucks.
What a great name.
Awesome.
You know, it's another really good name?
A lot of vagina from Austin Powers.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I, that, by the way, a little peek behind the curtain, folks, guys,
What I just described about jacking off to an
emulator card, Japanese card game.
You did that.
I used to do that quite a bit.
Well, you didn't tell us about that.
This is when I was like 10 or 11.
Well, you should have let us.
No, I'll say 12.
I wasn't jacking off at 10.
I was.
I think I started jacking off in 6.
No.
Jacking off and smoking weed were similar categories in my mind because I couldn't wait to do it before I did it.
I was scared of weed, dude.
No, I remember
I would like listen to Pink Floyd with my cousin cousin and stuff like we're gonna be stoners one day
it's pretty pathetic dude i was so scared to smoke weed because there was my friends there was actually a uh a jewish how about a white guy that's murdered by the police and you call him pink floyd oh okay all right i got it yeah yeah
i got it i i wish there was a white guy i wish i had thought of that back when those protests were going on there would be mad guys there would be like what about what about tyler Copeland?
And you're like, who?
And then it was like, you know, some white guy that got murdered by the police.
Yeah.
I know.
I love that argument because it's like, but you guys also think the police are good.
But
what's stupid about the argument is like, then go do a protest.
Yeah, exactly.
You're not protesting.
You're just bringing this guy up to say that you shouldn't protest.
Exactly.
Yeah.
That's right.
It would have been nice for you to have that in your back pocket when those guys said that.
Yeah.
To call whoever they said Pink Floyd.
But I will say I was scared because there was a kid in my seventh grade
who happened to be Jewish and happened to also want to love Pink Floyd and that kind of bullshit.
Yeah.
Who actually looked a lot like you?
I'm not even going to
imagine Chinese guy.
A Chinese guy that gets killed by.
Yeah.
Okay.
Sorry.
Old man after the white guy.
So everybody knows
Pink Floyd joke.
Yeah.
And then a Chinese guy.
No, no, no.
But that would have to be after the Pink Floyd one.
No.
No, not that.
Because it doesn't rhyme with George.
So you'd have to have the pink one first.
I don't know what you guys are talking about.
I don't know if it rhymes.
Okay, how about a Chinese psychologist?
A Chinese psychoanalyst.
No, no, no.
No.
No.
Not a how about that.
Not how about that.
He's just
the Chinese father of psychoanalysis.
You could just call him shrink.
Oh, okay.
No, I wasn't going with shrink.
It was more of a shrewd.
No, I kind of got it.
It was a Freud thing.
Yeah.
It's a pink Freud.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I get it.
And then, but then, yeah, the other one.
Yep.
That would be.
But I guess Shrink also.
No,
I didn't mean to alert you to another one.
But somebody being like, I got to go see a shrink.
And you're like, what the fuck is that?
And they're like,
you know, a shrink.
And you're like, what, like Chinese Shrek?
Like an Asian version of Shrek?
I don't think that would say that.
I don't think that's where their mind would go.
I have to be honest with you.
I don't think that's where anyone would go.
I don't think anyone would think that.
You know, like Shrek, Shrink.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I get it, but I'm saying I don't think anyone would think that
you're speaking as somebody that isn't you.
How about a movie about monsters that they have jobs scaring people?
But they're all Chinese.
They're all Chinese.
They go through little doors at night or something.
No,
not about that either.
Yeah, boo.
Yeah, boo, girl.
Boo, little girl.
Yes, okay.
It would be called Chinese Monsters Inc.
That's what it would be called.
Cyrus, that's what I thought.
That's where my
point is.
Okay, all right.
I'm just asking.
I'm just bringing up a conversation.
How about blink fitness?
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
But they only know.
No.
No, no.
No more of these.
Brink some security.
Okay, that one's already ready-made for you.
Yeah, we got brinks because we don't want any brink people blinking into our house.
We don't want to bring people in here.
Oh, it keeps out brink guys.
That's not even funny.
Well, we don't want any brinks.
And now we're doing the Brinks home security score.
It's the Chinese car rental out.
How about you try that one out, SNL?
We need to lead them down a dark path, dude.
That's how we destroy the show from the inside.
Yeah, Kate McKinnon, or whatever.
Is that one of the people?
Yeah.
Is she still on the show?
She's like, hey, is this?
I just
got an airport bag, and she's like,
oh, yeah, I had a car rental reservation.
And they're like, okay, well.
Just keep in mind, this is an Enterprise.
And then behind him, there's a sign, and it looks like the Enterprise logo, but it says N-Enterprise.
She's like, I had the Kia, and they're like, Coupe de Ville?
Oh, it's a black style car.
I see.
All right, fine.
You can have that one out.
Yeah, we don't have, yeah, we don't have any of those cars.
Maybe you'd be more interested in going over to
what are the other ones?
Alamo.
Budget.
Why isn't there one that's
Inc.
Like Bink?
There's National.
Am I remembering correctly?
Is there one called Bink?
There's not.
Nice try.
Yeah, they just make up for it for the scare.
Redicars.
It's like, people are like, what?
You know, like Bink.
You know, like Bink Redicars, but it's all Chinese.
In parentheses under the name.
By the way.
Imagine there was one called Bink.
Anything that one's called Bink?
It's Bo and Yang, and he's like, you need a car, girlfriend.
That'd be funny.
You need to get a car, girlfriend.
Yeah.
That's pretty funny.
It would be funny to get a job on SNL and then just it
every day in the writer's room and be like,
what if there's like a
blockbuster, but there's a gay Chinese guy that works here?
They're like, great.
How can this be every sketch?
It's a hot air balloon.
It's like a 1800s Explorer on a hot air balloon, and the passenger is a gay Chinese guy.
And he's like, how's it stay afloat, girlfriend?
He's like, through the magic of hot air.
The only hot air I care about is celebrity gossip.
Who is
ex-what's her name?
FKA Twigs dating.
Uh-huh.
That's the kind of hot air.
Hot air,
girlfriend.
Girlfriend, assist.
Yeah.
That's the tea.
That's tea.
Mm-hmm.
Yes, sir.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah.
A plumber showing up, and he's like, yeah, you said you got a problem with your kitchen sink.
Okay.
Yeah, but it's.
No, it's actually our in-home cook.
No, it's not.
No, no, we don't have.
In fact, sir, sir, please go home.
We don't have any problems here.
And end of sketch.
You must have gotten the wrong number.
Yeah.
Everything is working just fine.
It's a tinker bell, but
no, it's not.
Okay.
Okay.
We'll knock them.
We'll just check that one off the list here.
Uh-huh.
Oh, fuck these.
Let's just talk about
how hot Angelina Jolie is and wanted.
Oh, I was gonna, that's what I was gonna look up.
I was gonna look up
the sex scene that Adam jacked off to.
Oh, an atonement.
I can find it.
No.
Maybe it's embarrassing in retrospect.
Wait a second.
I'm looking.
It says it was two guys.
No, it was a chick.
What the hell?
What?
You beat off to the sex scene from.
No movies have real gay sex scenes, do they?
Just Brokeback Mountain.
I've never seen it.
I've never seen it either, but somebody says he spits into his hands and then fucks his ass.
I'm the guy in 2021 that's like, I'm not watching that gay shit.
Fuck no, I'm not watching it.
Wait, call me by your name.
Yeah, but did they have gay sex in that movie?
I don't know.
It was your favorite movie.
They don't have gay sex.
It would be disgusting if they did.
But they did.
I mean,
I know they kiss.
No, they just sort of hang out by the beach together.
I watched it and I remember them having a lot of people.
That's what makes it nice because it's a movie where you could see how, oh, this could clearly be about normal people.
Yeah, if this was...
It's about the universality of
fleeting romance.
It's not about a couple of homos.
Going buck wild in each other's asses in Europe.
Which is a plenty that happens quite a bit.
Just taking
each other's ass to the fucking state fair.
You know?
Just hauling them out there.
Yep.
And putting a couple ribbons on.
Yes, sir.
Best in show
goes to your ass after I fuck it.
What are you looking up at?
I'm trying to find the sex scene.
I don't...
First of all, you don't even see breasts.
I just want to make sure that it's hot, just so for my boys.
He just kind of fucks her up against the library.
Yeah, I kind of like that.
Yeah, it's a, it's, listen, if I was in that situation, I would fuck a chick in a library.
It'd be hot to pull my cock out of a tuxedo and fuck a girl.
Yeah.
But I'm not.
I'm a guy over here, and I want to look at breasts.
No, but that's how I aspire to be.
I aspire to be a.
So what do you jack off to scenarios or do you jack off to?
I didn't even really jack off.
I kind of just watched it and enjoyed it.
Did you hit hard?
I mean, the truth is, we talk about this all the time, jacking off to movies, but most movie sex scenes are like 13 seconds long.
They're a little longer than that.
Can we?
I mean,
most, but they are.
You would agree.
I would agree, they're shorter than sex scenes.
They're incredibly short.
You don't see any pussy.
You don't see pussy movies.
You don't see penetration, but you see a couple of bouncing titties.
Which is a big part of what I like.
The point of enjoying a movie sex scene is not
the titillation of I think it is seeing an actress I couldn't agree it is seeing an actress simulate sex so you could be like that's what it would be like to have sex with the point no the point of enjoying Nicole Kidman the point of enjoying a movie sex scene is to jack off to completion to it I I beat off to a lot of quick sex scenes and I watch them over and over again almost on a loop uh-huh so you gotta gotta go in like a gym but I need to see some sliver of skin You know, I'll admit,
I actually jacked off to
Sexy from Escape from Dana Mora, where What's Her Facebook?
Oh, that was a TV show, right?
Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Patricia,
who I've jacked off to many times.
But she's a little bit.
Who blocks me on Twitter, by the way.
What did you say?
I don't know.
Patricia R.
Kett blocked me.
John Cusack blocked me.
Why?
I have no idea.
I've never interacted with her.
Probably some blockchain shit.
Yeah.
Speaking of, if you enjoy the blockchain, you'll love
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All right, it's called Get Super Leaf.
Get Super Leaf.
And Super Speciosa.
GetSuperleaf.com slash Come Town is the website.
Go there.
I'm going to go there with you now.
I'm there right now.
And then we're going to read.
We're on the net right now.
We're going to read about Super Speciosa, which I've been told I'm pronouncing wrong.
And it was sent a video to pronounce it correctly.
And we have not opened that video.
And I've not opened it because, first of all, I'm learning disabled.
That's right.
And that's even a learning disabled man like me can get pure kratom.
That's right.
We are too stupid to pronounce it correctly, but we're not too stupid to order it.
Neither are you.
Kratom.
They have.
It's okay.
Is it Kratom?
I don't know.
Kratom?
I thought Super Speciosa is the thing you're pronouncing wrong.
Oh, yeah, it is.
Well, then let's figure this out.
All right, Premium Botanical Speciosa.
Look, they accept Visa and MasterCard.
They got Kratom powder.
Oh, that.
And they got capsules.
And they sent it to me.
They also...
I think they have some kind of tincture, but they sent me the powder and the capsules.
I've done both.
I kind of prefer the capsules because it sort of regulates.
It takes the guesswork out of it.
It takes the guesswork out of it.
You just have a cool
thing to have 16 of them.
Yeah.
Which is
definitely way more than they recommend.
But I tell you what, when I'm doing blow and I'm hanging out with my pals,
I'm going to need even more of them.
And it's totally safe.
Yeah.
I haven't had the pleasure of trying the product, but I can imagine it's wonderful.
Yeah, it's very from what I understand.
Get superleaf.time.
That's G-E-T-E-S-U-P-E-R-L-E-A-F dot com.
That's what you mean.
Slash come town.
That's right.
And
it says sound it out in the email because I'm having trouble with that.
With especioso.
You can do it.
It's not that hard.
You should be able to read.
For 20% off.
You're 20% off your order
that's a fucking hell of a goddamn steal if you ask me and the but the brand is super speciosa
the url is get superleaf.com you hear that slash come to me you know what i saw it was recently pop you know what we're just gonna we're not done no no no no no no
no but this has to do okay
ship it you're gonna plug it in and play the video we're gonna play the video all right let's play that that way we make sure that i'm not bob Marley.
Took this every day.
Is that so?
Yeah, that was the leaf that he was talking about.
Everyone thinks it's marijuana.
Everyone thinks it's marijuana, but it was mother and child.
It was Kratom.
And the mother's pussy, you can see it.
You can see it.
And the child sees the mother's pussy,
and the child then is upset.
That's awesome.
This is cool.
We could just play video.
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This guy's making tea, I guess.
Oh, so that's something you can do.
That seems like the pussy way to do it.
Yeah.
I just put it in water and you drink it.
Yeah, why don't you put on your sweater?
We missed it.
We missed the part where he says it.
This is a really big deal because a lot of Kratom products on the market are not up to par.
Super Speciosa is proud to be able to I was saying it right.
You were saying right the whole time.
That's fine.
Email them back and say, do not
you know, it's probably an Italian guy.
Super especiosa.
You gotta do it.
Fucking come on.
Super speciosa.
It's like ordering a whore.
Yeah.
I want some speciosa pussy.
I wanted the specialist kind of pussy you got.
Birthday pussy, pal.
Alright, so yeah, so let's let me just go back here.
You know, it's my birthday soon.
Maybe I could buy some birthday pussy.
Yeah, so anyways, this shit
is awesome, dude.
This shit ships to all the fucking every state.
Every fucking state.
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And Puerto Rico.
It's good shit.
I don't know if it does.
It's very helpful.
It's really helpful.
And you're not allowed to to.
It's not.
Due to FDA regulations, we are not legally permitted to state that it is helpful for the treatment of any diseases and conditions, with the exception of Down syndrome.
The FDA has announced that Kratom is the only cure for Down syndrome.
I'm actually looking at the paper, Nick.
It looks like you put that in with your own handwriting.
I put it in in Krayn.
And somehow,
a Crayon email.
Dude, I'm doing.
2020 has been a rough year.
And Kratom can help.
Yeah, he does.
He's trying to sneeze out of his ass.
No, I'm just fucking getting a little ab workout in the middle of the recording.
They don't adulterate, concentrate, or enhance their product in any way.
It's straight from the mother guy's pussy hole.
Straight from mother of the earth, dude.
It's with mother.
It's like drinking kombucha, but for your for drugs.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
S super special.
It's like drinking kombucha, but for drugs.
Yeah, beautiful turn of phrase.
Honestly,
I would want to try to put some of that in.
Actually, that would be disgusting.
Nah, you don't want that.
Kombucha is probably just barely hanging on, anyways.
Absolutely.
That is the one thing about this Kratom shit is you got to don't try to get fancy with it.
It tastes like dog shit.
Gulp it the fuck down and go get a little
or get the capsules because then it's like yeah then it's like you're taking your vitamins yeah
it's healthy you take that of Flintstones kids what separates them from their competitors is that most Kratom brands are manufactured in really poor conditions.
Some assholes' garage
are home-based businesses selling products out of their garage like Amazon.
Amazon started that way.
Now Jeff Bezos is jacked.
He fucking stepped down, the CEO.
I know, and
they posted some picture of him.
He looks like fucking
Hunter S.
Thompson.
Should we fucking not, we shouldn't, but
most crap
on the market
has potentially unsafe levels of bacteria because it is sourced from Indonesia.
And we all know about those dirty Indonesians.
Third world country without modern food safety standards is that what?
Yeah, it's that where it's coming?
Well, it says most of it is sourced in Indonesia, third world country without modern food safety standards.
Oh, that's true.
Oh, the other, the competitors.
Yeah.
They use dirty Indonesians.
But this fucking company is white.
Yeah.
This isn't on bok style.
Things like salmonella, E.
coli, and mold are common.
That's right.
They pasteurize their kratom, which means they fill it with milk, I think.
They put it in a fucking tub of milk, boil it.
They boil the milk.
And then they put it, they sift it.
They meet the American Kratom Association standards for quality.
Which you know is a very serious organization.
They're passionate about what they do, folks.
Just like us.
Kratom organization.
If anybody knows passion, it's me.
Imagine someone as passionate about the show as I am
being that passionate about making Kratom organizations.
They care as much about Kratom as we give a fuck about doing this podcast.
You're right.
So you know it's good.
It's good and safe.
Definitely wouldn't cut corners.
Can you imagine if this podcast was something you had to eat?
Yeah.
That would be tight.
That would be awesome.
If you had to put it in your body.
We should figure out how to do that, dude.
A come town suppository.
And you're not allowed to sue us for side effects.
Ready?
Here's what it is.
We get molds made of our cocks.
Anyways,
it's a suppository of vitamins shaped exactly like our dicks.
This shit is in your ass.
It's good if you're trying to get off dope, apparently.
You don't want to take Suboxin or methadone.
This is all from Nick's personal opinions, by the way.
Let me make something very clear.
Super Especioso is not paying us to say that.
Yeah, that's not from Superleaf.com/slash Come Town.
GetSuperleaf.com is not paying us to say that you can kick heroin with this.
If you or anyone on your team has any interest, you can skim through this presentation recently given by Dr.
McCurdy,
who's a leading Kratom researcher from the University of Florida.
What is the University of Florida?
Gators.
You're like, you know, I'm a professor and like seeing how many titties you can fucking.
Yeah, basically.
Yeah, Gainesville, baby.
He's been granted funds from Nita at the Billy Donovan direction of Congress.
Let me know if you have any.
Joachim Noah.
Okay, so get superleaf.com/slash contact
for 20% off your order.
Beautiful.
Go do that, you fucking.
Yeah, you're definitely going to want to do that.
Or
you're off the team.
You're off the fucking squad.
Yeah.
And go, by the way, once do these fucking checks.
Did you see Dave Porter lost $700,000 on GameStop?
I thought he said he was going to lose $2 million.
He said he lost $700,000 on GameStop.
Well, he's a friend of the show.
Was he holding the line?
Was Portnoy holding the line?
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's saving small businesses.
I'm buying these stocks.
I'm sailing the small business owners.
I don't understand your Portnoy impression.
He's more bossed.
He's from Boston.
It sounds like that.
It's like
I don't think anybody's doing anything.
I mean, he's more bossed.
He's from Bollestone.
He sounds like a Bollywood guy.
He's not not.
I mean, I haven't heard him talk that.
I'll be honest.
I've heard him talk like four.
Well, when he speaks, I listen.
Whatever.
I liked his video
for you, Dave.
I'm listening to his videos.
One of these days, I'll sound exactly like you.
This lights out, dude.
I'm calling into your company.
I'll be like, summon the money to my bank account.
Dude, that's a great idea.
You should call it.
It's me, Dave.
Is that the stool Presidentist?
It's me, I'm President.
We're doing a wire.
The name on the account is Adam Friedland.
He's my new accountant.
He's my accountant.
You're sending it to him.
And if at any point you figure out that, you know, this is me,
but in this event that it's ever not me,
make sure you know Adam Friedland is the one who did the fraud
and not some other guy that he's very closely associated with.
It's entirely him.
No questions about it.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, that'd be awesome, dude.
Call in and make everyone who subscribes to Barstool subscribe to us instead.
Using his voice.
How about Jar Jarstool?
Jar Jarstool.
Misa,
Misa.
I love gambling.
Jar Jarstool Banks.
That's right.
How about Asian Jar Jar Banks?
No.
No.
No, Adam.
Don't ask him any follow-up questions.
Misa loves the smoke show of the weird.
Misa.
Jar Jar Binks.
Misa loves.
Taking the can't-lose parlay.
Jar Jar Bink some security.
That's good.
There you go.
But don't try and backdoor into the other thing again.
Backdoor, huh?
I did hear that there's a beef brewing.
Between?
I don't want to start shit, but I heard that.
Start it up, bro.
I heard that Gas Digital and Barstool Sports.
Oh, no.
I heard that they're going to fight.
Is there a fight?
I don't know.
That's just what I heard.
What are they beefing about?
I don't know.
I heard they were talking smack.
How are you doing?
My name is Louis J.
Gomez.
I'm calling in the barstool to get the bank account
information.
Hey, doggy, it's me.
Hey, it's the press.
It's me, Louis.
Can I get the bank account information?
That would be a good beef to start.
Honestly, it's me.
Honestly, I'm not saying that.
Me watching the Sting one time
going to Bank of America.
My name is fucking Louis J.
Gomez
and or Dave Pornoy.
Whichever one of me has an account.
Listen, I'm in the middle of a jam and I need my bank account information so I can buy Bitcoin
online.
I'm in a jam.
So you could just give me all my
cash to me.
Just tell me my information.
You're in a real tight spot.
Spot.
He would say it that way.
Spot.
Yeah, there's more of that.
I'm having a spot of gay sex.
There you go.
Tom.
I'm Dave Porno, and I'm having a spot of gay.
I'm Dave Gay Porno.
Dave Gay Porno.
I'm Gabe Porno.
I'm gay
porno.
I'm gay for porno.
I'm gay for
gay porno here.
Porno is so throwing the O every once in a while feels really good.
Porno.
Well,
it feels taking off the porno.
It feels good because it's good to call people Homo.
You think?
Yeah, Homo.
Call him people.
No, porno.
That just seems like a throw.
No, I think homo and porno both happen to
have the advantage of ending in the o.
The o is the powerful part thing.
Yeah.
You know, I think, I don't think, I don't think the O derives its power from homo.
I think the very, quite the contrary, it's the opposite.
You said, so any word ending
that ends in that kind of O, like Daddy O.
Daddy O is better than daddy.
Yeah, that's Shlomo is a hilarious.
If you want to make fun of a Jewish guy, pick that name because it's got the O and it sounds stupid.
What else?
I think it's a pretty cool name.
Steve-O from Jack.
Steve-O rules.
Yeah, there's no way you can't like a guy named Slovo.
Anything that ends in a hard O is a great fucking name.
Yeah,
hard Or Australians and Canadians fuck O Australians and Canadians love adding
O, it's a they do the dumb shit in Australia where they call they added like a Y at the end of every they shorten it and add a Y
you know, yeah, they use my phony that's right,
yeah, they call refugees refos
Refos, Abos, yeah, that's a bad word.
Whoa, yeah, isn't that a bullshit?
What are you going to do?
Ban the podcast?
Dude, you just got us banned in Australia.
All right.
See if I can.
Fuck, dude.
How about this?
Now, Australia is banned from the United States.
Oh, take that, you fucking
loser.
Thanks for supporting us in the Iraq war, you fucking dumbasses.
Yeah.
Yeah, went to Iraqo.
I did some war cromos.
Oh, you know, they named the Iraqis.
Yeah, we had to kill some Rekkis.
Rackies.
Yeah.
Yeah, we did it.
We blew up.
We blew up a mosqueridoo.
Mozzarinos.
Mozzeriduccios.
We did a sport.
We did heaps ethnic cleansing.
I'm having homo in me ass.
I'm having a homo.
Oh, I had a really good homo the other day.
I've got heaps homo.
Oh, I'm having heaps gay sex.
It's like taking a feather out of a pillow, guys.
Damn, I want a good Australian.
It's like Pringles.
Yeah, once you pop.
I find a man's penis is like Pringles.
Gay sex is kind of like Pringles.
Once you shove the can in your ass.
That's it.
It's lights out.
It's time to shove other things in there.
If I could fit an entire Pringles can in my ass, who knows what's next?
So true.
So true.
Sire.
So true.
Sire.
We should just move to Australia to do the show because we're more popular over there, but then fake the accent immediately.
Right.
I'm like, no, we're just trying to.
Because when we come to a country, we learn the language.
We're here.
We're speaking.
So we're in this
language.
This is a message for all the Mexicans and Guatemalans back in the day.
No, it isn't.
Yes.
No, no.
Just a bit.
No, I'm saying when we're in Australia, we're saying this.
Because then it won't be racist because
it'll be such an alien political issue that there's no way it could be interpreted as racist because it's like, I don't know.
I don't know any better.
I don't live in America.
Yes, but we're from America.
No, we're Australia now.
It's different.
So I'm allowed to hate people from Veracruz.
Narr.
You're nor.
Narr.
Is it that hard to learn English?
I did it.
I learned Australian.
I moved to Australia and I learned English very quickly.
Without it, should I pick up the language?
No problem whatsoever.
No problem whatsoever.
I picked up the language very quickly.
Like a Guatemalan guy that taught himself English by watching like
your masterpiece theater or something.
Yeah.
He only had PBS.
He only had masterpiece theater on DVD.
Well, hello.
Yeah, he's like, good evening.
Good evening.
Are these the Tokyo?
Do you have any denim jackets with Winnie the Pooh?
Do you happen to have a T-shirt from the thrift store that says Princess?
Do you have anything featuring Tigger?
You have this little vest of the catch dressed like a Cholu.
I was wondering if you had...
had an early two thousand skateboarding backpack that I could fit a bottle of Mickeys in.
Shit.
Well, if you like getting trash off Mickeys in the Home Depot parking lot, you're going to love
man skate.
You're going to love shaving your cock.
Shaving your cock with a man
scraped your Reno.
Okay.
It's a great product.
The Lawn Mara 2.0.
It's got a light.
You tell them.
Hey, fellas, we're in the thick of winter and a storm's a brewing.
Actually,
we shit on their copy, but they're the only ones that actually put effort.
They do the best job, I think.
Yeah, it looks like one to three inches are in the forecast.
So you know what that means, stuff.
Yeah, Adam's about to show us his penis.
No, it's
either soft or completely hard.
Adam's about to show us his one or three.
They didn't say that.
Yeah.
I think that's what they said.
It looks like one to three inches are in the forecast when you trim that hibernation bush that's taking place in your pants.
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I was in the blackout basement in Bergheim.
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I was shaving and showing my son how to shave a la the opening scene in Gangs of New York with a straight razor.
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You can shave in the shower or even in the jacuzzi.
Can you?
Damn, that's wild.
Because most shows is waterproof.
It's like water resistant.
You can't.
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They have NASA people working on this.
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This is the way Aquaman shaves shaves his cock.
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I like the travel bag.
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Wow.
You know, talcum powder was giving bitches pussy cancer.
Are you serious?
Yeah, they're rubbing it and breast cancer, too, I think.
By putting it in your pussy?
By putting it on your underarms and your pussy, yeah.
Interesting.
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You could probably use this shit on your pussy also.
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Don't let the name fool you.
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What's your face?
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Elliot Page, who's a man, could use some of this powder on his pussy.
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My fucking balls.
I'm imagining two of the like
big-eyed emojis because the copy, it just says use promo code code.
So it's got to be promo code come town or come town 20.
yeah try them both swap them so let me let me just go to the email yeah let me do that while i think about my balls looking up at me and going thank you uh-huh just imagine the the the the like the emoji that girls use with their eyes big or i guess a gay man would use a bottom would use yeah the eyes the big eyes like watery oh yeah yeah imagine if your balls my balls sound like uh 1800s british cometown
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Give me head, chief.
Give me head.
You gotta ask yourself one question.
Are you gay?
Well, are you punk?
That's not even his movie, is it?
No.
A movie called Gay Wish.
Yes.
He's heating up.
Where's the cash, mother?
Give us the cash.
My husband's going to be home any minute, and he's gay.
I went out to Arizona for a while and learned how to suck cock.
Damn, I'm going to fucking watch Deathwish again soon.
Watch all five of them.
I might.
I might with a hard-ass pricadel, dude.
I'm getting tired of doing anything.
All I want to do is watch four movies a day.
Yeah, honestly, find a nice pattern to get a little workout in.
Exactly.
My days, I just want to wake up, do some fucking yoga,
maybe do a little workout, go on a nice long walk, come back,
the whole rest of my day.
I wake up, I hit the corner store, I get some cat food for the cat, coffee for myself, come home, feed the cat, cold shower.
Then I go buy a cigarette at the other, the fucking deli that's like cool, six blocks away.
Get a couple steps in, yeah.
Then I have my morning cigarette with my coffee.
Love that.
And then I go back to sleep.
That's like,
you know, you just wake up, drink a bunch of Nyquil, keep passing, just keep yourself asleep.
Yep.
And then it's 7 a.m.
next day.
Wake up, little cup of coffee, feed the cat, cigarette.
Right.
You know?
Force your body down.
Yeah.
No matter what it's telling you.
Yeah, dude.
Get myself put down like a dog.
Oh, you're like a dirty little dickless dog.
Like a dickless dog.
There's.
That's the sound it makes.
The dirty little dickless dog.
All it's got is a dick hole.
Do you have any mock echo shoes?
I'm sorry, chap.
I was...
Pardon my
interruption.
I was wondering if you had any Mark Echo shoes with the springy shoelaces.
Oh, fuck man.
Do you happen to have an adjustable baseball cap that was promotional material for the movie Cause 3
that I can wear to the Home Depot ball?
Those guys rocked you.
Pardon me.
Excuse me, sir.
I love this one.
Yes, and throw in a bottle of hair gel, if you don't mind.
Yes, the cheapest, most toxic one there.
Yes, the fifth-grade picture day hair gel.
If you please hurry up, I have to go eat crab legs with my family at a Chinese buffet after this.
It's my birthday.
Adam, were you going to say something?
I forgot.
You look like you're about to say that.
Oh, yeah.
There's a TV show now about like, it's a competition show that's for the best laborer.
It's all like,
yeah.
Guys, Guatemalan games?
No, but it's all like to see who does the best
We're here in a Lowe's parking lot.
We're outside the Home Depot in Santa Cruz.
And today we're talking to Miguel and Juan Carlos.
And they're squaring up to see who can tape the most drywall in 12 hours for $4.
That's basically what it is.
Yeah, and then Guy Fear is like...
still eating the joint compound.
And he's like, that's a rock star bite right there.
Out of bounds.
That is, hit that one directly out of the park.
God, I love when a guy calls things out of bounds.
That is the bomb.
That's a triple play bite right there.
You got the spice, you got the sweetness, you got the salty.
That is the hat trick.
I want to be friends with Guy Fieri so bad.
Yeah.
You could probably swing him.
He seems happy.
He does.
He seems like no one can get him down.
He's got a great life.
He doesn't have demons.
Well, if you watch Diners, Drive-Is, and Dives, there's times when clearly he's working with somebody that's not laughing at his jokes.
Yeah.
And the cuts will be kind of like awkward and quick.
Because they're just not buying it.
Yeah, they're not in the guy.
They just have to push through.
Yeah.
Well, apparently
he's there for like a total of seven minutes.
Is he?
Like, he has a team that goes, does everything ahead of time.
They photograph all the food.
They like do all the interviews.
They do everything.
And then Guy just like eats the, like,
interviews the person real fast.
He makes it with the who really had it made was the man versus food guy Adam Adam Richmond.
Yeah, which was just a show.
It's like watch this man kill himself.
Yeah,
yeah, he had a good thing going because it was never an Elder.
I think maybe the first, yeah, the first episode, it was an actual challenge that a restaurant offered.
And then after that, he would go places and then be like, I'm going to drink 37 milkshakes in 20 minutes.
And they're like, yeah, that's not a thing we offer.
He's like, I made it up for the show.
He, I think I said this before, but he blocked Eldis on Twitter.
Why?
In college.
Because Eldis kept asking him what his shits look like.
What does your penis look like?
Can I see your ass in balls?
Can I suck your penis?
Can I suck your penis?
Hey, Adam, can I see your ass in balls?
Hey, Adam.
Adam, hey.
It's me, Eldis.
Oh, the man versus food guy's going to be at the mall, and he's letting people suck his cock, and I'm missing it.
Stop.
Do you have your picture on the wall of a place?
What do you mean?
Have you ever done the challenge at a place?
Yeah, his picture's on the wall at the Bronx Zoo because he ate all the prairie dogs.
Yeah, they were delicious.
They kept popping.
I thought they were churros.
Was that a challenge?
No,
at the Chi Burger Chi Burger.
Where the fuck is the original one?
I think it's somewhere in like White Marsh, Maryland, or
I don't remember.
There's a Chiburger Chi Burger chain.
What is Chiburger Chi Burger again?
It sounds like a cheeseburger restaurant.
It's a chain of restaurants.
They stole it from an SNL
bit from like the 70s.
Remember that one?
Chiburger, Chiburger, Chiburger?
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
How does it feel to get stolen from SNL?
I know that must really suck.
And that's why SNL never steals anything from it.
That must really hurt SNL's feelings.
But
it was a burger restaurant, and they offered some kind of like five-pound burger.
If you eat it, you get on the wall.
You know, your boy got on that wall in college, no problem.
But I haven't
put five pounds.
It's some kind.
I don't remember what it was.
That's so much.
It was some big burger, but I was fucking fat.
Five pounds sounds right.
I don't remember what it was.
A one-pound hamburger is 16 ounces.
No, it's not.
That's not.
A pound is.
Come on.
A double quarter pounder is a half pound.
Because here's the thing: it's the weight before they cook it.
Oh, so it shrinks.
It shrinks, dude.
Yeah, yeah.
So a pound.
That's at least four and a half pounds.
A pound cooked is nothing, dude.
The quarter pounders are little as fuck.
I miss Fud Rockers.
We should get in the car and drive to Fud Rockers after this.
Fudge fuckers.
Ass fuckers.
Ass fuckers.
Just beating on the door.
Let us in.
Let us indoor dine.
I hope you like my joke.
It's coming back.
Indoor dining.
Well, you would have to drive out to Jersey.
Valentine's Day.
Yeah.
You would have to drive out to Jersey to go to Food Brokers.
Dude, I think he got dining out there.
Thank God, fucking Cuomo, dude, has solved things.
Yeah.
Thank God.
Now we get to open up the fucking restaurants just because the numbers are going up,
and so is my penis.
When my penis is hard,
you have to
give me the card to suck me.
That's the rhyme we do.
When my penis is hard, you give me the card.
Folks, I just tell you what happens when my dick is hard.
Indoor dining is allowed.
When it's soft, we're closing it down again.
So you better keep me hard.
We're going to keep doing the press conferences every day,
even though the virus is over.
Today,
we had an early start.
We've been trying to, we got a switch, and the team has been trying to create an
me for me.
And it's very difficult because there's no way to put nipple piercings
on the little guy,
and they keep making him look pissed.
And I said, I'm not pissed, but I'm going to be if my little guy keeps looking angry.
I'm not pissed now, but if we don't pierce his nipples I will be
you should make him look cute with pierced nipples and he's smiling and anyone who beats me at wee bowling is fire
and we're gonna hold them down and give them a hundred doses of the vaccine at once
so it kills them and they're not allowed to sue anybody
dude I I heard that if you're obese, you might be able to get the vaccine.
Are you going to go top of the list?
I don't have it, but maybe I'm going to.
I mean, I'm not getting the vaccine.
I'm getting it as soon as I can.
Our vice president said you shouldn't get the vaccine if it came out during the Trump administration.
Kamala?
Yeah.
Is that what Kamala said?
During the debates, she said it.
She said, I will not get any vaccine put out by this administration.
I don't give a fuck what Kamala's done.
Well, now she's the boss.
Yeah, so
I want her to get sucked myself.
What are you going to do?
Not listen to black women?
Yes.
I did it every day of high school when they called me a gay white woman.
This is the one instance where
I am gay.
Every other instance, sure, I see your point.
But this time.
This time around.
This time, baby, I will
listen to Kamala.
Yeah, I'm getting the fucking veggies.
What's she doing?
Has she said or done anything?
Oh, presidents don't do shit.
I'm checked out.
She's doing
all the work.
She's doing all the work, I'm sure, and getting none of the credit.
Dude, thank you.
Classic story.
Classic story.
Old Mayo Ass Joe.
Mayo-ass Joe's taking credit for all her good ideas.
He's getting paid more than her.
Excuse me.
Number one.
That's crazy.
And number two.
It's about time
one of the least popular politicians in the world got a bunch of power.
This time, baby, I will
suck up.
Is there a way we can make money off of Joe Biden dying and her becoming the president?
We could probably bet on it.
Placing a bet, maybe.
Well, let's save that for next week's free episode.
Yeah, okay, fine.
Joe Biden.
I'm looking for Joan Biden.
Excuse me.
Do you know how I could?
I'm trying to fuck Joan Biden.
Is there a bet?
Ah, Gracias Senor.
It's good to see you again my Home Debra brothers
He learned the English from the masterpiece leader
I saw his speed late
But it's because he only watches period pieces
Wow, what the devil
What's going on here
Who took my family guy t-shirt?
Who sucked my penis
Which one of you 411 chaps sucked my penis?
Yeah, I'm gonna have to go out there and hit those guys up.
What are you looking to get done?
Well, no, just to see if I can make any of them watch Master Piece Saturday.
Just put your plan into action.
I want to create that guy.
Yeah.
If you can make one, it would be pretty good.
And if you want a t-shirt, you can go to come.town.
That's true.
Pick up a cometown.
Well, any kind of shirts get the come town shirts get my i'm selling the official come town calendar which is actually just my calendar special for black history month for black history month 50 off it's not it's ten dollars off which is close to 50
it's about 40 off i don't know how to do math
three fifths off for black history month
yeah
um
and i might i i'm thinking i'm trying to cook up some new shirts but i also have shirts over at stavi.biz trying to cook cook up some fun new designs for the new year.
And I think that's, oh, go to the Patreon.
Sign up, patreon.com slash come town.
All right, later, folks.
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That's mutesnoring.com.
