Ep. 244 – Does Woah

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Okay, now we're started.

Okay.

Okay.

And

I just got to check to make sure that just send me that link and I'll print it.

The printer is right next to the stop.

I'm not getting it.

I don't give wireless.

Yeah, he's not getting it.

I don't give it.

That's not part of my job.

Wait, because you want to watch me walk across the room and

in this outfit that you made me wear before we recorded.

I do.

I do want to do it.

The outfit that you want to be wearing is Canadian Mountain

to make the boys jealous.

That's right.

You're wearing.

You're

going to work.

Make sure that this is recording the

Mr.

USB.

Let me see if this does, if it still plays.

I don't know if it's

coming in.

It's coming through the headphones.

That's cool.

All right.

Then I don't have to worry about it.

Because I was recording.

I guess the phone does like both channels here.

Nice thing.

Instead of

interesting, interesting.

Welcome to Come Town, folks.

The new Come Town.

Yep.

Which is now a

gardening.

Oh, yeah.

We're going to grow shallots.

We should pick the most boring.

Gardening is not boring.

Yeah, I know.

Not gardening.

What are the magazines that are just like shit for your patio?

Is this like

Housewives in the 80s?

It would be like, I need more wicker shit for my patio.

And I'm going to read a magazine.

Yeah.

I'm going to sit in my fucking like

my wooden ass kitchen.

would like to i would like a magazine like that yeah i've i've gotten into some intech interior decorating soft focus patio shit magazine yeah i i don't have a patio just creamy creamy ass patter patio furniture creamy yeah just real like they just

really fuck with the wicker stuff honestly no i'm talking about the photography the way

yeah there's vaseline over the lenses yeah yeah yeah yeah real real soft the same way they shoot barbara walters old ass the way yeah the way even though when she was

used to be shot back in the that is true when you go in like that was a great way to shoot when you go in some guy's garage and he just had like creamy soft stuff

with the curly like a perm and those like back when they were not quite cone titties because cone titties were out back when they yeah back when they were like you know sometimes uh an asian can have big tits yeah yeah yeah oh yeah at the beginning of that there was a lot of that it with growing up and going to like my dad and his friends like shops there that's what i mean it's very it's very garage totally yeah very garage garage.

You just saw a naked bitch.

So, what?

You're supposed to be hard while you're fucking PA.

It's always so funny.

I love making a fucking cabinet.

Your dick is hard.

Just getting your dicks

stuck in a carburetor.

Yeah, sorry.

No, I was supposed to be done today, but I got put on porno all over the walls and I kept nothing.

So it's going to be a couple more days, and we're going to have to charge you for it.

Yeah.

I think I've mentioned this before, but I got a haircut.

I'm busting surgery.

I got a haircut

at a Dominican barbershop in Bushwick once, and they had a kitchen TV like moms would have in their kitchens, like seven inches, just playing just hardcore

anal sex.

Yeah.

Anal like at like an 11:30 on a Tuesday.

Anal is really wild.

I sent it to you in DocX format.

Thanks, Nick.

Wow, you motherfuckers have Microsoft?

No, I don't.

No, the copy was sent to me in Microsoft format.

Everybody that works for for

anybody that has any kind of like middleman media job, they all use Docs.

They use ThinkPads.

Yeah, their whole world is held up by the myth of PowerPoints and Excel spreadsheets being necessary for anything.

But

I feel like we're past...

Google Docs really came through and put they dick all up in Microsoft.

We're soon going to living in a bad world.

That made me really happy, honestly.

Post-data world, you know, where not gonna be no more data.

What do you mean?

There's not gonna be people are gonna go on touch.

Just feel emotion.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That sounds sensual.

Yeah, I like it.

That's the kind of world I saw

for.

It's a patio furniture world.

Yeah, dude.

Sitting on a wicker chair, getting my dick absolutely fucking blasted.

Your printer smells fucking bad, Adam.

That's my ass.

No, it's the printer.

Wait, Sava's sitting between you and the printer.

First of all, bitch, why would I was joking?

I can say it's my ass.

You can't.

You just had a

vigorous.

You had a vigorous electric bicycle.

Shut the fuck up.

Okay, and I wasn't going to say anything.

Yeah, I did because I'm sweaty.

So I either got shirtless.

You're sweating on your electric bicycle.

It's 15 degrees out.

You're shirtless.

That's how much fucking energy I was expelling.

I told you I'm not kidding.

And you know what now, with your fucking attitude about my bike ride, I'm absolutely.

It wasn't an attitude.

And can I just say something?

It's a soft ripple.

Can I just say something?

I ripped a soft lid.

You know what?

The printer does smell bad.

Why does it keep printing?

Is it multiple pages?

I thought it was a one-page.

It's your printer!

It's your printer.

Maybe you were printing something before and you just didn't.

Let me show you a man's penis.

Yeah, damn it.

Left in the cube.

Just so many fucking black and white pictures of a man's penis.

What the fuck are you printing out, Adam?

What is that?

You fucking retard.

What did you print out?

You printed out the actual emails.

Printed out our text exchange.

Oh.

Oh, damn.

You want to burn that?

How were you ever a paralegal?

Yeah, dude.

Isn't the whole job like printing stuff and being like, right away, Mr.

Jewison?

Right away, Mr.

Jewish

Coinstein.

I'll have this printed up for you.

ASAP.

In my experience, being a paralegal was taking two-hour lunches

at the White Marsh Chili's.

That was a big part of mine.

I would like to be a pararegal, and my job is to watch movies all day.

That would be awesome.

Yeah.

It's fun.

I guess they're just never going to open movie theaters again in New York.

I'm going to kill myself if that's the case.

It's funny because it's like we had phases at one point.

There was a whole phase thing and now they're like, we're going to do what makes my dick hog.

I like the idea of everybody at home having gay sex.

If we were at home watching videos of me taking it raw, no one would miss the video, the movies.

We wouldn't have to go to the movie place.

You can only go to the movies to watch me get my ass fucked.

I painted my butt cheeks to look like Spider-Man's face,

and now he's sucking a cock upside down in the rain.

It's the same as going to the movies.

I'm not going to talk bad about the governor anymore.

Why?

Because you're worried about getting whacked?

Yeah, dude.

Honestly, it's going to be funny.

Try me, Andy.

I got the fucking blinky on me right now.

Pull stop.

I don't want anything to happen.

There is a chance.

I mean, I feel like the governor is spiteful enough if word got back.

It's a political machine state.

His family runs this state.

It could very easily get back to the governor, and he's like, I want these people killed.

No, he could say that we're doing BDS against Israel and then

get us thrown into the world.

Which we are, by the way.

And I don't know what it stands for, but against Israel, that's what I like to hear.

Yeah, it's Bond.

By the way,

did you see that they, for some reason, for some curious reason, are not allowing Ugandan Jews into Israel?

What are you talking about?

And that's from

they would also forcefully sterilize them when they entered.

No, no, no.

They got the Ugandan Jews.

Or no, no, the Ethiopian Jews in like the 80s, I thought.

No, they just flew them all out.

Black ass type of Jew.

African alike.

Jewish African migrants that come to Israel are forcibly sterilized.

Yeah,

they try to do it together.

Israel apologists will tell you that that's a lie.

Right.

And it's not.

Why is it called an

apologist?

Because they never apologize.

What are you talking about?

They never apologize for.

They excessively apologize.

That's how they get away with everything.

No, they never say I'm apologizing.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm just going to do a

sneak ball.

I'm just going to get a skinch of Holocaust.

I need a dollop

of the Holocaust.

I'm going to ask a scooch of genocide here.

If you don't mind,

I am Scotch.

You're going to

be a little bit of a snowy sky.

It's going to be two seconds.

Just give me, we're going to.

I'm going to fire a little missile into this preschool, and I will be right out of your head.

We're just going to do a smidge

of rape.

A smidge.

But you want good movies, don't you?

I'm going to eat a little smidge of rape.

Israel doesn't make movies, though.

Yeah, they do.

No, they don't.

Yeah, they do.

What?

Oh, they make all the movies.

There's that one Israeli filmmaker.

Didn't Harvey Weinstein hire the Masad to track down the movie?

Yeah, but that's

not the movies.

Here's the thing.

They made all of his.

When Harvey Weinstein was making

good movies, he didn't need Israel to track down those women because we were so entertained by the man, we would allow him to keep ramps.

Wow, Nick.

Well, in my opinion, he never made good movies, and I never liked him, even before I knew he was canceled.

So it seems like you were a fan of him.

Now, why does he get that much credit for making the movie?

He didn't make shit.

Can I have the...

I suppose.

I suppose I will.

Well, that's like saying that.

There's only one thing here.

There's only one read.

It's a one-page.

It's a one-page.

Oh, you're buying way too thick paper.

I know, dude.

I know.

I'll get a thinner paper next.

I don't think it's that thick.

I try to do it.

This is nice.

No, it is nice, but you're wasting money.

I know, I know.

Who's fucking from Israel now?

Yeah, I know.

You know what I'm saying?

Nick uses real Israel-style toilet paper at his house.

We're all collectively.

This is coming out of the production.

No, it's not.

I bought that privately.

And I'm not invoicing using Adam's share of the Patreon money.

Yeah, that's technically

fine.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

But he makes his money back working as a secretary

with free time with free supplies.

I don't like the dress code aspect of the secretary.

I have secretary.

Yep.

You got my ass.

Once again, you got my ass.

Yeah, my ass.

My ass has been gotten.

My fellow Americans, my ass has been gotten.

My ass has been fucked by the Mujahideen.

The Mujahideen have gotten my ass.

They got my ass.

At 0,900 hours this morning, the Mujahideen released a video calling me gay.

Fuck.

Yeah,

yeah,

but let me just go back to the earlier point, Adam, and say I need an apology from your comments about my bike ride.

I apologize.

Thank you.

No, and I saw the amount of exertion.

You're going to have to do some more printing here, also.

What?

You own three copies?

Well, we're going to need no.

Now you're going to have to find the other emails that I forward you.

Okay, I have those emails.

And you're going to type up a little sheet, a little cheat sheet for us with the name of the website.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I got that.

Because right now, we need the promo code.

And we need the promo code.

Highlighted.

The promo code, the thing is, is that you have to type in the URL.

I don't think they have a way to put a promo code in.

Interesting.

It's a landing page.

And then I will also forward you, or I probably already did,

the copy that was originally presented to us.

No, it wasn't post-haste.

The copy is not in the CEO.

Post-haste, bitch.

Post-haste with no lip,

gaff, motley, or dingy.

None of that shit.

I don't want any of that.

Any of that 1940s attitude.

None of that fucking attitude.

The classic Adam 1940s.

Bullshit.

Yeah.

Okay, so you want me to just

print out the name of the website for you?

The man couldn't have been clearer.

We're going to open up a document, and

you're going to make us the most beautiful copy we've ever seen.

It's going to say Super OGX, a Kratom Company, it's the ice cream of the future.

And there's over six billion served, and they're all in heaven right now.

They all died.

They're all in heaven.

They all had such a good time that they're dead, and they're in heaven.

And there's not a single, I'll tell you,

I'm not, I heard this.

I don't know if it's true.

It's all white people up there.

I can't say it's true.

But it's what I like to believe.

And that's what going to church is about, is believing things.

That is fucking true.

It is true.

Damn.

A whole week of Joe Biden as the fucking president, man.

Dude, they're going to hide him away.

It's going to be so sad.

It's time to say politics.

Yeah, dude.

Shouts out to.

What has he done so far?

I don't know.

They signed some executive orders.

And that's the politics of the world.

Do what?

I think to...

Nothing's changed over here.

I think you may.

When are podcasters going to move to the front of the vaccine line?

That's what I want to know.

I think you made.

This is 100% true, and people know this, but apparently Russians were behind the vaccine.

So Russian people were making it.

We can't do it now.

If you're a liberal, you might want to think twice about getting that vaccine.

In fact, the Russians made the masks also.

Whoa.

Fuck, really?

There's a secret memo from Putin that went to Trump that said, boy, you know what would really steam my beans if a bunch of liberals in America put guns in their mouths and pulled the trigger.

He would be pissed off.

That would bother him.

Yeah.

So maybe try that.

What size font do you want on this?

Something respectable, 12, 11.

12.

11.

11.

12 readable.

12 is nice.

12 is the price.

Or 12 is aerial.

I'll be honest with you, 12 feels a little handicapped to me.

It feels a little handicapped.

Yeah, but we're doing a read.

We want it big.

I can read fine print very fast.

13 is too big.

The smaller the font, the faster I read.

Because it reminds you of your dick?

That makes no sense.

Well, you didn't answer the question.

Well, there's no, the question doesn't make any sense.

Oh, wow.

Do you hear this, Adam?

What?

What?

He reads faster

when it's smaller because it reminds him of his dick.

And he won't say.

And he won't say that.

It reminds me of the film.

Okay, fine.

That reminds me of how fast my dick gets hard.

Oh, it's like a humble note.

No, no.

That doesn't make sense.

No, it makes sense.

What you just said doesn't make sense.

What I said makes sense.

It was a quality of fastness that was being expressed.

No, no, no.

Because

the letters aren't fast.

Your ability to read is fast.

The thing can't be fucking

affected by

your dick, your dick speed.

It's size.

We're talking about size, not quickness.

Quickness is one of the variables.

We're celebrating the anniversary of Christopher Reeves' passing.

Oh, R.I.P.

He fell off the horse, right?

I think.

No, no, he fell off the horse, then was paralyzed, then died years later.

Yeah, dude.

You don't remember that?

He was walking around or rolling around in the fucking chair.

Passed away.

Yeah, he looked like

it was hard.

Robin Williams and him went to fucking acting school together.

16 years.

They were boys.

That's why they're such similar actors.

The acting school curse.

Yep.

Well, one killed himself, one just got got by a fucking horse.

If you're a man and you're into horseback riding in a serious way,

that's kind of...

But it wasn't just horseback riding.

It was playing polo.

He had balance.

No, they were jumping over a fence and then the horse's legs got caught on the like I said.

I thought it was a polo.

The horse was like, I'm horse and this is jackass.

This is horse jackass.

This is horse jackass.

And this is

paralyze a beloved cultural figure.

Speaking of,

I saw Bam on Instagram said he's off all of the 25 prescriptions that he's been given and his skateboarding is back to normal again.

Should we try and get him back on the pod?

So I just

wishing the best to Bam.

Absolutely wish him the best.

And let me just say, brother, open invite to get back on the podcast.

This time, just us boys.

No need for your expansion.

Maybe family manager.

And Gene.

Yeah, Gene, Bam.

That was wild.

It was just all these extra people that were there.

And his wife.

That was awesome, man.

We should get Steve-O on to talk about Vinny because I guess he doesn't like Vinny.

Oh, really?

So we want to get to Steve.

Let's get Steve-O and we should get Steve-O and Vinny and try to broker a piece of corridor.

Steve-O, if you're out there listening to this right now, and I know you are.

Yep.

Either you come on the show or you've made yourselves

to your penis.

I saw his penis

in real life, actually.

What do you mean?

Yeah.

Adam 27.

Me and Brandon Wardell and Adam Two Inches.

Adam Friedland Museum.

Me and Brandon Wardell and Jamel were walking down the street on sunset in LA, and he a gentleman flipped over a bike, and then we, and then cameras popped out, and it was Steve-O trying to film a new pranks video, and he was wearing bike spandex, and then he had his penis out.

That's awesome.

Yeah, it was pretty funny.

It was pretty.

How big is his cock?

I'm not sure if it was, I mean, it was the he his penis was painted the color of his like spandex.

So I'm not sure if maybe it was a fake penis, but I'm pretty sure it was his real penis.

It was a nice.

It was like the Pocahontas song.

Yeah.

Like the Pocahontas song?

Exactly.

The colors of the window.

But you have a, once your penis is exposed in the air, though, I've seen you do it before.

You close your eyes and you can smell exactly how big a cock is.

That is true.

Some people say it's a blessing.

Because of how gay you are.

I say it's a curse.

He uses echo location.

These clicking noises to figure out

where exactly is.

Now, Adam, we're coming up on the 20-minute mark here.

Okay.

I still haven't done your little printing and typing.

You're really fucking up the.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Right away.

Listen, I'm trying to.

Because you know we've vowed never to go a minute over an hour anymore.

So we have to hit our 20-minute mark.

Well, we're going to start shaving.

I'm sorry.

Don't let people in on the secrets, dude.

All right, Nick, tell me what that looks like,

the typing that I did.

All right, and then you've typed up all the points.

No, I just typed it.

Adam, if this doesn't say Nick is gay, you're not funny.

Oh, God, I didn't say that.

Yeah, if you did your job for real.

I thought you said you wanted to do it.

Oh, my God, Adam.

I thought you said you wanted the real one.

You didn't print a picture of a dick.

You didn't say, fuck you, Nick.

Print it yourself.

That's what you would have done to be funny.

Yeah, just awful.

What do you mean that's just awful?

That is just awful.

I was a secretary for years.

Completely unprofessional.

It's unprofessional.

It's not formatted nicely.

Even if you were trying to do a good job, you did a bad job.

You did a bad job.

You didn't do a funny job.

You didn't do it.

Yeah, exactly.

The only two modes that are acceptable in office de la sexuality.

You should have tried to get Nick to say the N-word by printing it in there secretly.

Or something.

All right, I guess back to the drawing board here.

Time to forward you more emails.

Okay, right away, Skip.

What do you mean?

I was calling you Skip.

Oh, right.

My nickname.

Yeah.

Which means captain.

Yeah, it means captain.

Who came up with that?

Skipper?

Because

that was a gamble.

Imagine being the name.

Because it has to go back to the 1800s, where if you insulted the captain, they would just rail you in ice.

You'd be put in a block of ice and left.

There really was so much more decentralized total power in the 1800s.

So many barely powerful people could have you killed so easily.

Yeah.

Whereas now now it's, I would say it's a little harder.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like, your boss can't rape you.

Well, I guess.

That's the thing we really take for granted.

Yes, you can.

Your boss can't rape you.

That's true.

I mean, for real.

Women have no idea how good they can be.

Or kill you.

Or suck your dick against your will, which is also rape, I suppose.

All right.

Super.

I think men were getting raped at a good clip back in the day as well.

Okay.

Not as much.

All right, Okay.

But that's the thing.

When women weren't in the workforce, somebody was getting raped, so it was probably weaker men.

That's true.

Yeah, they saved us weaker men, the women.

The jail system.

All right.

Okay, Adam, I sent you this one.

Once you get all this copy typed up, we'll be able to actually start doing the episode.

Okay.

We're not.

But now I've been distracted professionally, and

I can't get into the

printing right up.

The clown zone.

No, you better take that email and put the bullets in a new document,

in a new document with the right URL at the top so I can see it.

And oh, now he's going to try and do the joke.

If you do the joke now, now is it?

I would be textbook at him.

The moment has passed, and it's going to be fucking gay.

If you were a clown, I wouldn't hire you for a three-year-old's birthday.

A three-year-old's birthday.

You'd fuck up the keys move.

I'm getting a spam risk from Franklinville, New York.

Let's plug it in.

Let's hear what they say.

Spam risk.

Let's put them on the phone.

Hit the.

Hello, thanks.

You're on the air.

Hello?

We've been trying to reach you concerning your vehicle's extended warranty.

Oh,

the one that I had gay sex in?

Of course,

what's your name, Eric?

Hey, Eric, how about you suck my fucking dick, pal?

Well,

we're getting destroyed.

We are grossing this guy.

This guy is getting destroyed.

What was that, Eric?

Oh, who's that?

Can we speak to a reputation?

Can we speak to a guy with a bigger dick than you?

Can we have sex with your wife,

maybe?

Yeah, that's what I thought, bitch.

Never fucking call here again.

Okay.

Well, that was a good one, dude.

Yeah.

We're getting into...

We're taking it back to the,

what did you call it?

We're taking the power back to the people.

Yes.

Yes.

From the spam callers.

Yeah, absolutely.

If you're listening and you recognize that man's voice and you want to send his personal information

to any of us, we'll go ahead and we'll not look into it.

Okay.

That's one of my favorite photographs.

He printed a picture of Nick.

Me and Nick.

Minister and CJ, where Nick looks short.

Nick looks short.

It's a pretty funny picture.

Once again, though, the opportunity to do this was ten.

That was the first.

You should have done it the first time.

And now I'm going to print a picture of Adam.

No, try to stop printing.

Don't print.

I'm going to print

struggling to bench press.

No, don't print that picture.

Adam struggling to print.

45 pounds?

No, it wasn't 45 pounds.

It's a 45-pound bar, and he was having trouble.

No, I was just doing that for the form.

Just trouble re-racking.

No, I wasn't having trouble.

I was doing that for the form.

I don't think so, mate.

Okay.

All right.

That should be the bullet points coming up.

Well, I'll tell you what.

While you're waiting for the other read to be read, maybe you can enjoy Blue Chew.com.

No.

No, sorry.

I meant, I'm having trouble with the printer because I did it again.

Well, tell you what, if you like sex, you'll love Blue Chew.com.

Oh, yeah.

Bluechew.com offers men and performance enhancement for the bedroom.

Bluechew.com, you can get the first chewables with the active ingredients.

Sudenophil and Sudadophil.

Sudalophil, there you go.

And you know what?

Why did they make those so hard to pronounce?

Yeah, I don't know.

They should have called them Dick Hardium.

That's because these are fake scientists.

They came up with the dick pills and they're like they're feeling bad about themselves, so they have to give their medicine like complicated names.

Yeah,

so they can feel cooler than they are.

I say dickhardium and coxtiphnion.

That's what I would name them.

Chewables can work faster than the others because you can chew them up yep jubilals from blue chew can be taken on a full or empty stomach cum or food you can eat cum or food are you printing that adam

what's going on with the printing i don't know it's it's the

there's a network issue what that

oh oh there it is yeah yeah that should be it it's gonna be the same joke over and over no it's not that's gonna be it we'll see

that should be the bullet points and you printed it sideway

i'm not.

I don't know how you landscape style.

Yeah, I just wanted to.

I thought you had all the information.

What is this?

I look like

I'm at a menu restaurant.

I'm in some kind of fucking restaurant.

What is this?

What are you fucking playing?

I look like what?

I'm Johnny McDonald's over here.

Let me get the Bijan freeze.

That's right.

Let me have

a little bit of a break.

Let me have

the roasted

Qui-Gan gin.

And then I think we'll have some of the soy sauce.

I look like a freaking clown.

Yeah, dude.

I look like an idiot.

I didn't mean to humiliate you.

You honestly do.

And you know what?

The people can feel it.

They know I'm humiliated.

And they're feeling bad for me because everyone who listens to the show, they identify with you.

Yeah, that's true.

I'm the most relatable one.

That's true.

I'm the everyman.

You know?

Nice, brother.

Anyways, Blue Chew.

Blue Chew is

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You could be very fat.

That's me.

You could be secretly gay.

That's Nick.

You could have incredibly low testosterone.

That's me.

That's Adam.

The only reason to be gay is because it's a secret.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the funny thing.

That's the appeal to me.

The secret part.

All these damn queer stuff.

That's why I'm against LGBT stuff because if you take away being secretly gay, it ruins it.

It ruins the whole thing.

Gays used to be spies.

They used to be

like James Bond,

Frank Spence.

And they used to have very good art.

Richard Simmons.

You know, now we have fucking

SS guy.

Gary Glitter.

Whatever the fuck his name is.

Gary Glitter was a pedophile.

It only takes a few minutes.

The Glitter guy.

Randy Glitter?

Gary Rainbow.

Randy Rainbow.

Randy Rainbow.

Reading.

LeVar Burton.

Famous homosexual.

Randy Rainbow.

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It's got swastikas all over it.

People are like, this guy's a Nazi dick, but his dick works fine.

It's Nazi literature.

It's Mark Twain, but they put in more N-words.

The Adventures of Beepleberry Bee.

It's the double appridge.

The N-Adventures of Beepleberry Bee.

By Mark S.

Twain.

Mark S.

T.

Adventures of Beepleberry Baby.

Yep.

It's in a book.

It's in a book.

Tom.

Hollowed Out.

All the dick pills are in that book.

Tom

Sayer.

Yeah, Tom N Sayer.

Tom Sayer.

Yeah.

And Blebbleberry Bleep comes over and he's like, What you doing that fence, Tom?

What you be doing?

He's like, I'm paying the N-word on it.

But why?

I don't know.

Some bitch told me to.

Some bitch said, well,

she sucked my dick if I painted this fence.

Shit, I'm trying to get my dick sucked.

It's like, well, why don't you paint some fence then, motherfucker?

And then he did.

And then Tom, when he got some pussy on the side, while that bitch

called himself the N-word on the fence.

Wow, that's awesome.

That's a good book.

Yeah.

What else happens?

They fake their dick.

He's lying.

I've never read that gay bullshit.

You didn't read it in middle school?

I tried to, but it was fucking boring.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Here's what's not boring.

Getting your dick hard.

The no in-person doctor visit.

Doing the video conference.

Which, Adam, you have some experience.

Zooming into the meeting at Bluetooth.com to get your dick pills and getting confidence in bed every time.

You and your partner will love it.

You wouldn't do it.

Here's the deal for you guys.

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That's BL.

I take them like vitamins.

I don't know if you're supposed to.

I haven't had sex in months, and I just take a dick pill every day to get my dick hard and to elevate my heart rate.

And so that's another way to and because it tastes like candy.

And so, you know what?

You could do that too, guys.

I had it honestly.

I did one time.

I took a dick pill and I fucked.

And then it sometimes it lasts, the effects last a nice amount of time.

And I had a weird dream the next day about fucking an old lady.

And I woke up and I was just in my dream, I was pounding this old bitch.

And you got pussy in it.

I literally woke up, I'm not even joking, humping my bed.

I was fucking my dick was like pushing into my bed and my and my dick was like pushed up onto my stomach it kind of hurt i had a cool dream that i was in like a defensive driving class and everyone was calling me an idiot

and uh and then you shot up the school no and then a bunch of people got trapped under ice and i had to swim under the ice and save them and i was the only person that could do it was you and your dick was hard from blue chew.com

but then half the people were dead in the dream damn they were like well thanks for recovering the bodies at least damn Well, you got half of them.

That's pretty cool.

Were you wearing scuba gear?

Were you just...

I was just, I just went in.

Damn, bro.

They're like, if anyone else does it, they'll die.

They'll die, but not you.

No, you have been talking about...

Cold showers for you.

Yeah, exactly.

You've been talking about cold water swimming.

Dude,

I want to go to Brighton and do the.

Let's go, dude.

I got my wetsuit.

All right.

I need somebody to, because if you, you can just die.

I'm not interested in it.

If you do it wrong, if you just go in there and you don't, like, I would probably die.

You could start hanging out with a rush.

You should die from the polar bear plunge, bro.

No, if you, if you just don't, if you, I mean, if you jumped in the water, that'd probably fuck you up.

Walking out there, no, you gotta jump.

Yeah, you gotta jump.

You just gotta, you gotta bring a shit ton of cigarettes so you can warm up after

get your lungs fucking hot.

Yeah, you gotta inside.

You gotta, you gotta, it's like a you gotta take a big ass bong rip and then jump.

Yeah, nothing makes me sound gets me hot or so.

Use bluechew.com promo code Come Town.

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That's B-L-U-E-Chew.com promo code Come Town.

Come Town is spelled

C.

You got it, dude.

Sound it out.

Uh,

oh, I know that one from the candy.

Yeah, yeah.

T-O-W, and N is in.

Oh, no, sorry.

I should erase that part.

I don't know why that's in the copy.

That's the only one they tell you how to spell phonetically?

Interesting.

Yeah, just calling up.

C is in.

No, no, no, no.

We don't have to do this.

Everyone can figure out where this bit is going at home.

But if you're new to the show, I think you could probably also figure it out.

It would be funny if somebody started listening like right now.

They're like, this is jacked up.

These guys are fucking fucked up.

Twisted, if you will.

One of these guys is hot.

He sounds like a voice from the I can tell.

And he's got an awesome voice.

One of i want to suck his cock sounds physically overheated though

first of all i'm wearing long i'm wearing heat gear leggings thank you very much so i'm hot i'm running hot from the bottom so i'm letting a little steam off up top damn leggings remind me of the woods yeah i wish i wish we were still we're gonna go back dude this show is gonna become a vacation show yeah we're gonna go on four vacations a year do all the episodes we should have this should give us look if guys

if diners, drive-ins, and dives can be on the air for now, I think at this point, 37 years.

I'm pretty sure that's true.

Then there's no reason that we can't have it.

I would love to have a travelogue show.

And they're like, we're here at McDonald's.

Yeah.

We're here at the pizza place right by the cabin that we got.

We're at the McDonald's in fucking

in Wilmington, Delaware.

The only one where you're allowed to smoke inside.

Sir, can you put that out, please?

Shut up.

After telling the bitch to shut up, we continued smoking.

And eating some PBJs we brought from home.

Eating peanut butter and gina sandwiches.

Oh, yeah.

That's some yummy stuff.

Adam, why the fuck isn't the URL on this copy?

On the

menu.

Well, the URL is on the other page that I put.

What other page?

The little one?

The one that sucked?

Well, if you put the little one in the middle of the middle.

The one that fucking sucked, bro.

I'm trying to read.

What do we need?

Two pages?

Look at this, dude.

I'm trying to read this, and it's giving me a break.

I'm sorry, dude.

Nick, take a break.

Take a work.

I work too goddamn.

I work too damn hard, bro.

Yeah.

To be reading a sideways assignment.

Adam's mark twaining me into having to do more work than I was doing.

Which is so fucked up.

Mark Twaining, you're so fucked up.

I just printed it in landscape.

Hammer Glendus.

Sammy's.

Do you think my boy Sammy got pussy?

The man who prints sideways is known to have a small dick.

Yep.

But if that wasn't enough, he's also gay.

Fuck.

Mark Twain was

not just very funny, but also very insightful.

And he had some great views on the Jewish people.

Lincoln, it was said that Lincoln knew Adam and he thought he was a fag.

It's Shelby Foote in the Civil War documentary.

Oh, wow.

Well, yeah, shout out to our boy Shelby.

A lot of people think Shelby is a gay name.

It's a girl's name.

They would often tease me about it, and I would always say to them, actually, it's Adam that's your girl's name.

And they would say that's true.

There are a lot of Adams that are not girls.

Most of them.

Yeah, Adam Sandler's cool.

Who else?

Adam West, Batman?

Adam West is okay.

Adam Driver.

Adam Driver.

Kylo Wren.

I could take or leave Adam Driver.

I don't mind him.

I know it's cool to not like him.

Is it cool?

A lot of people are like, he's ugly.

Don't say he's cute.

No, I think he's cute.

I think he could lay some pipe.

I'm just saying.

He's cute.

You know, I want to re-watch Star Wars on mushrooms, man.

It's very bad.

No.

Take it back.

On mushrooms, I don't know.

It's awesome on mushrooms.

I've never seen the new ones without mushrooms.

And by the way, the old ones, not that good.

Which ones?

I don't know.

I rewatched them.

They weren't like...

I rewatched Empire.

It was not that good.

Yeah, everyone knows Revenge of the Sith, the best one.

Is that what people say?

No, which one is Revenge of the Season?

I know.

I think it's like there's like.

Oh, I love Revenge of the Sith in the movie theater.

I think one is Revenge of the Sith.

I think that's part three.

That's the last one of

the prequels.

Oh, yeah.

I'm due for

getting fucked up and watching all of those movies and passing out 10 minutes into the first one.

Yeah, into the pod racing.

You know what I want to do?

I've never seen Lord of the Rings.

I want to take mushrooms and watch Lord of the Rings.

That's not good, dude.

I don't think I've done it.

I've tried a billion times to be like, you know what?

I'm doing it.

I'm getting a fucking bag of pizzeria pretzel combos.

Respect.

I'm taking respect.

I'm taking some pills.

Family size, I hope.

Yes.

And then also Muddy Buddy checks.

Oh, Muddy Buddies, bro.

Come on, man.

That is the good shit.

That just got me happy.

Doing a couple of lines of blow.

I've been taking some Kraton pills, snorting ketamine, doing Percocet.

Now I'm ready to understand.

Enjoy.

Now you're at art of a film.

Now I'm ready to be a guy that hasn't had a drink in eight years.

I'm so proud of you for being sober.

To be ready.

To get up, down, up, up, down, down, and up and middle.

Just being regular.

Just fucking really cheap.

Just take all that stuff and just be in the middle.

Don't you feel like when you take mushrooms and you look in the mirror, you look like an elf?

When I've done ketamine in the past and I've looked in the mirror, I look like the ugliest ugliest person I've ever seen.

Well, that's it.

Dissociative my face.

The dissociative will turn to the face.

I hate my face so that's all like just different discrete components.

So it's like I hate it.

You're looking at it and it's just like eyes and a nose and a mouth and shit.

I'm like, this is just one of the most important things.

Maybe I got it just sort of like placed on your head.

Yeah.

So did you get Mr.

Potato has a little bit of a drink?

It really hurts my feelings.

Yeah, I can't look in a mirror.

Maybe

you sent us a really ugly picture this morning.

You looked hideous.

I know.

I thought we were all sending ugly pictures.

Wait, what?

You looked good.

We looked good, but you looked like ugly pictures.

I looked good.

Adam, you look like you just

went through a difficult labor in that picture.

Well,

what did he look like?

It's just, I'm so happy to be a mom.

I thought we were all sending each other pics from bed.

There's a man looking colored at this woman.

Oh, yeah.

Look how disgusting.

I guess this bitch gave me a son.

Yeah.

Why are you guys watching?

I should never be able to fuck this woman up.

No, I'm looking at it from.

I thought this was just for us.

This is you after a difficult.

They had to do a cesarean.

But you did blow your pussy out.

I was trying to get it out.

Pussy blown out, and then they had to

push it back in.

You really think my picture was ugly, Adam?

No, I thought we were all sending each other bedroom photographs.

I wasn't in bed.

I was sitting at my table doing what I was doing.

Me and Stav both.

I was sending emails working on some projects.

I get up at 7 a.m.

every day.

You're snoozing like a fucking bitch.

Yeah.

Looking bad, looking dehydrated.

Going on the how to print stuff out like an asshole Wikipedia page.

Listen, I'm in the middle of the morning.

What's the most asshole way to print?

Stop, you do actually look nice.

You know,

your skin looks really good.

Say something nice about me, too.

Thank you.

Nick, I like that spitool on your lip.

It's coffee.

Is it coffee?

Yeah, my skin also looks good.

Your skin does look good.

My skin is pretty

dried out right now.

Thank you, Adam.

You're welcome.

I told you that my skin gets dried out when I don't use my dandruff shampoo enough.

Is that so?

I have something called dermatitis, and the central column of my face dries out.

Okay.

You have spermatitis?

I'm trying to do a medical

fucking

cure.

Dermatitis, 100% guaranteed by the FDA.

Yeah, and we're allowed to make that claim legally.

We don't know what that is, but we know it's cum.

It's drinking cum.

We'll do that.

But something that can't cure anything, but is nice.

It's pretty cool.

But it's very.

Hold on.

Yeah, see, this is what you need to fix.

This needs to not be

specifically the problem.

I was wrong with landscape.

The whole point of this

is a very easily readable thing.

You have made the least accessible, everything is small.

But this is the problem.

It's small.

You said

it is the fucking where it says due to FDA regulations, we are not legally permitted to state that our subjects are.

So

don't say it.

Don't say it.

But that comes after the first line that says it is very helpful for, and I can't

do it.

You need to fucking bold it next time.

No, just take this fucking line out and put the FDA regulations thing first.

Well, that's on the other paper.

We already dismissed the other paper.

No, you need the other paper because that has the promo code.

Getting hot.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Where's the other paper?

I'm here for right now.

I'm getting you the other paper.

We better go to

lunch after this.

All right.

I'm buying.

There better be a nice.

No, it's my week to buy.

No, it's Stop's week to buy.

I'll buy it like I buy it every time.

No, I bought it last week.

No.

This is what the FDA wants us to say.

I took us out in my Cadillac.

And you're 57 shovel.

Should I get a big Cadillac?

Yeah, absolutely.

Just for going to lunch.

Yes.

Your lunch mobility.

I'm going to hire a right.

Go down to Super Show.

This product is not intended to

treat, cure, or prevent anything.

Kratom is a plan.

Look, if you already fuck with Kratom, then ignore what we're going to say and just just go to get superleaf.com slash come town and super specio or super speciosia

okay for 20 off your next order getsuperleaf.com slash come town 20 off your next order now this product is not intended to diagnose treat cure prevent any disease

so we none of that shit but i will say it's nice i like it and you should buy it if this product is intended to be nice i don't know if this you're allowed to say this but it definitely fucks you up

you can get fucked up off the recommended dose is in a pitch where you can't get fucking pills yeah check this shit check this shit out because it is most definitely a drug

but it's legal for the time being there is a loophole that allows you to buy it over the fucking you can internet except for in some backward state like Alabama except for that bullshit where they might where's that fucking fat bitch uh Sarah Sanders runner Hold on super leaf running.

She's running for governor or something.

Super

super get superleaf.com

and what separates them from their competitors is that most Kratom brands are manufactured in really poor conditions.

Bullshit.

Naked ladies,

naked Guatemalan ladies with their titties out so they can't steal anything.

Yeah, like cooking.

Yeah.

Yeah.

New Jack City, but not as professional.

Sometimes these are home-based businesses selling products out of their garage.

Most kratom on the market has potentially unsafe levels of bacteria.

That's true.

And

sometimes guys, cocks.

I'm legitimately having trouble reading this.

I'm struggling to read.

So congratulations.

Can I read?

I could read it.

You've read it.

Go ahead, Adam.

Read it.

Let me see.

Pass me the paper.

You don't know how to read.

You got to pass me the paper and then I can read it.

You're in third grade.

Read it in.

Fifth grade.

I'll get my laptop out.

I tried to put the laptop away.

No reading.

Adam is a third grade baby.

Okay, listen, I want to.

Dip your head and gravy, stick bubblegum in your face, and fuck you in the act.

Okay.

Y'all know how the song goes.

All right, stop.

That's gross.

Things like salmonella, E.

coli, and mold are common.

Ugh.

And I hate all that shit.

I fucking hate it.

Yeah, and that's you can only get that kind of stuff.

It's super.

No, no, no.

You don't get that.

That's the competitors.

That's the competitors.

Yes.

That's cool that you get to say that.

Imagine we did a read for Burger King.

They're like, did you know McDonald's is filled with dog shit?

Often there's poison.

We pasteurize our kratom, which means they put it in the microwave.

I think it's 90 seconds.

They just buzz it in the mic real quick.

And then it's clean.

And then our kratom and then test vigorously, vigorous, rigorously to protect our customers.

We meet the American Kratom Association.

Oh, yeah, but you're reading it off a laptop, not a fucking fucked-up piece of paper.

But it's smaller here than it is on that laptop.

I don't think so.

Yes, it is.

I don't think so at all.

We meet the American Kratom Association standards for quality, verified by third-party audit.

And our product is handled as a food product.

A.K.A.

also stands for the American.

The way the supplement should be.

Wow.

Dogs?

Yeah, dogs.

American Kennel Association.

There's the American Kratom Association.

There's a video intro to their brand.

Should we play the video intro?

AKA, also a black lady sorority.

American Kennel Association.

The logo, it's like an Asian guy wearing a 10-gallon hat.

It says, what's on the menu, partner?

And there's a brand, like a barbecue brand.

American Kennel Association.

Our dogs are finally grown.

Some of the most delicious dogs.

Most delicious dogs you've ever seen.

USDA state.

That's Andrew Yang's America.

That's what we're looking forward to, dude.

When he becomes president of New York.

He's a real New Yorker.

It's so funny that Shane got fired for saying chink on his show and then Andrew Yang was like, I'd like to reach out to Shane and we can talk about saying chink.

And then they spoke on the phone.

Shane said he was really.

Shane was like, yeah, he's cool.

Yeah.

Shane said he was real.

He seems cool.

He's just a fucking dungeon.

Well, I'm just saying that's like a wild

series of events to happen.

So you should, you're trying to get Andrew Yang.

You're trying to get a phone call from you.

I'm trying to have a fucking position in the, in the Andrew Yang mayor's office because he will be mayor of New York.

Yep.

I don't think so.

No, you know who's putting him there?

Xi Jinping.

That's true.

He's being installed.

Okay,

these guys, the Kratom guys, are passionate about what they do and they view Kratom as something that one day can help just as many people as cannabis does.

Get superleaf.com slash come town.

The stories they hear from their customers are absolutely incredible.

People are able to ditch their prescriptions with Kratom and lead a healthier, more productive life.

They sent a link to how to pronounce super speciosa.

Super speciosa.

Because I guess I was saying it wrong.

I know, maybe it's Italian.

How about they link to this dick and balls?

Just make sure the fucking check clears.

Super speciosa.com.

Super speciosa.

Don't we give a fuck how you pronounce it?

Specciosa?

What it would be?

Super speciosa.

They don't have C in Italian, right?

It's speciosa.

Cinima, super specinima.

Super specimosa.

Special

education.

The research shows that kratom interacts with the opioid receptors, but in a much safer way, significantly lower risk of dependence and respiratory depression.

Respiratory depression is what causes people to die from opioid overdoses.

So, good news: it's significantly lower of a risk than heroin.

You have a much less chance

of dying of a kratom overdose.

There's chances to fuck up every day.

I'm out here riding a fucking bike, no helmet.

I'm taking my life into my hands.

This is significant given the opioid epidemic we face as a country.

If you or anyone on your team has any interest, you can skim through this presentation recently given by Dr.

McCurdy.

Oh, is it Janet Janet McCurdy's dad?

Yeah, he figured out how it was possible for her to have sex with Andre Drummond.

That was his first...

Damn, she was.

He was a leading creative researcher from the university

from just a scientific standpoint, would like to see his dick go into her pussy.

For science.

Yeah.

I'm not even trying to jack off to that necessarily.

Anyway.

What are you trying to jack off to?

Many girls with big tits sucking dick getting their pussies fucked.

Girls with big tits and sucking dick.

Or honestly,

what I like to jack off to is

after I send a picture of my dick to a girl, she says, wow, that looks nice, and then sends me a picture of her breasts.

I like that more than porn.

Did they do that for you?

Sure.

It feels like a really nice

boost to have a girl look at your dick and say, that looks cool.

Really, all I want to do is be in the woods and chop firewood.

That would feel good right now.

That would be cool.

I want to go on some kind of training montage.

I feel like I'm in a training montage part of it.

Get into falconry.

I don't want to get into falconry.

I want to.

You know what?

Imagine if I had a big-ass bird on my arm and it's just sitting there on the glove, and Adam prints something out wrong, and

the bird just fucking ticks his eye out, tears his face off, and then it flies back over the

two feet that flies.

Just all slow and then lands on my arm.

And I say, good boy.

What's its name?

Eric.

Good boy, Eric.

Eric the Falcon sucks.

Eric the Falcon, and he just fucked it.

You're bleeding all over the place.

And I'm like, could we please do the show?

Could you please?

Do I have to send the bird?

Do I have to send the bird over there?

You know what?

Nick, I'll say this.

You know what?

Don't listen to him, man.

You know what?

You know what would hurt?

You know what?

Anything he has to say has nothing to do with you.

It's a personal problem.

You did your job, Eric.

You know what?

It's very refreshing to have somebody do his job around.

A little tiny microphone that goes to the bird's mouth, and we just put it.

We slowly turn Adam's levels down, and Eric's up as we replace Adam with the show.

Eric, the show falcon.

Yeah.

That would be kind of cool.

You know, he can go get us lunch.

That would be awesome.

That would be cool.

We can put an order on his

tiny scroll over his

foot.

That'd be cool if we pitched a Silicon Valley.

He's not your bird.

You're not distributing anything.

No,

you're not pitching anything.

We pitch a delivery app, but it's all done by falconry.

Yeah.

But then everyone has a falcon.

It's not special.

No, every restaurant would have a falcon.

They have to bring over Indian falcons that were doctors in their country.

And they're like, where I lived.

they would have me do face surgery on the ugliest women.

I would peck their faces to make.

And now I come here

and I do Uber Eats.

And I am a talking falcon from India.

I like the idea that, yeah, he's doing the surgery with his beak.

Yeah.

Pecking her a big-ass nose, making it smaller.

You're watching Preeti makeover on Bravo.

All of the good doctors in India have moved to America to work for Uber Eats.

And now all we have left is falcons.

Hopefully, this falcon could make my wife's teeth bigger.

The falcons are laying eggs in their breasts.

She has big, lumpy breast eggs.

You have to put the eggs in there and crack them.

So the teeth become juicy but crunchy.

That is honestly a thing I would not want in a breast.

What, eggshells?

Eggshells.

Yeah.

Fuck up the whole vibe.

Yeah.

Although maybe over time, don't people like

put like eggshells on their hair or some shit?

Maybe it would make it nice.

What?

It dissolves.

Doesn't eggshells have like some fucking kind of nutrients?

People put it in

the garden.

Maybe the garden is what I'm saying.

Yeah, people put it in compost.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I feel like eggshells people claim have a lot of fucking

properties.

So maybe it would be fine if it dissolves into the titty.

Oh, I tried a new mushroom the other day that apparently is supposed to help your brain.

What is it?

It's called Lion's Mane Mushroom.

It tastes like crab meat.

I've heard of that.

Yeah.

Is it good, actually?

It tastes like fucking.

It tastes like.

Where'd you get it from?

Like a California roll?

Like fake crab meat?

It tastes great.

Lion's mane mushroom.

I got it at the farmer's market.

Lion's mane mushroom.

Let me look that up because I've been getting into mushrooms recently.

Fantastic.

That's a buy right there.

Lion's Mane Mushroom is a buy.

Adam.

It's also a bye.

Yeah.

What's that?

Sexual.

Oh, this looks interesting, this mushroom.

It looks cool.

It looks like it has.

How'd you make it?

Did you grill it?

I just sauteed it with a little bit of garlic.

I love to grill it.

I did a dry saute because it has a lot of water come out of it.

My name is Mushroom Mushroom.

And then I put in a little bit of

an extra version and then a little bit of garlic.

Adam, why don't you

riff out mushroom saute?

Okay.

Well, I read the Wikipedia page for the movie Gravity.

So

mushroom saute is a...

Sounds

like a movie.

She did.

Transsexual.

Okay.

You keep going.

Like an African-American transsexual.

Okay, keep

going.

Sandra Bulling's armpit should have not been shaved.

She's in space.

I don't even remember.

What the fuck?

The movie came out eight years ago.

How do you remember that scene?

Something I was pissed off about.

The biggest flaw in the movie to me is where there are two astronauts already in space working on the satellite, and George Clooney floats up and he's like, so what are you doing up here?

What?

Also, she's scared to be in space.

Is she?

Yeah, she doesn't even want to be there.

Well, yeah,

the real biggest issue with the movie is that this is supposed to be a person that's been immobilized after the death of their child, but it's like you're an astronaut.

You accomplished something that no one like four people on earth are like, I just, I haven't really been able to do anything since the summer.

Like, except become an astronaut and go to space.

She's like a teacher.

Yeah.

It doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't make any sense, but she should have hairy armpits.

Yeah.

And maybe you should see a little pussy here coming out of the side of her.

They all have hairy armpits.

The space suit, because space is a vacuum, but so is a pussy.

Of course.

So it equals.

So there's really no reason a female astronaut should have the suit covering any part of her.

Well, that's how a black hole starts.

Logically speaking.

Their pussy should be completely exposed.

It reverses the gravitational rays of space.

Yeah.

They put them in the suit, and their pussy's sucking up all the air from the male astronauts.

Yep, and that's why George Quinny died in that movie.

Listen, you're going to have to steal your pussy.

Either your pussy dies or I do.

She's like, you.

Men always have to sacrifice themselves for women.

That's always the story.

How cool would it be if you remade Titanic and fucking Jack made that bitch Rose sink?

No, he got the movie.

The movie is about an old man that got pussy.

And then he's like, he just starts telling a different story immediately about a different girl who got Titan.

Yeah, he's like, and then in 1930,

Rose is like four minutes of the movie.

I was in Harlem and I fucked every bitch in that jazz.

That's a much better movie, dude.

He's like, oh, yeah.

I guess she did, though.

Oh, yeah, I was on the

Titanic.

I got Pussy on the Titanic.

And then

all we see is her kids.

And then that's the whole part he remembers.

And

she was so in love with me.

She just sank in the ocean while I floated off on some shit.

She could have been on one of the rich people boats.

That's how you know I had good ass dick.

Anyway, as soon as I got back on land, I fucked this Puerto Rican bitch.

Yeah.

And we didn't even have them.

Now we got them all over the place.

Back then, they were not around.

Yeah, I was on an island.

I thought I was going to have to fuck this Galapagos turtle, but suddenly the big titty natives came out of the forest.

Dude, I want to see Jack.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm going to make that movie.

That'd be a great movie, dude.

Titanic for guys

for the fellow.

Just Jack remembering all the pussy he got.

Thank you so much, Jack.

Do you love me?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

You want to give me pussy in this car?

Car, yeah.

I'm trying to get some car pussy.

It's literally just him narrating, and all the like flashbacks are hardcore pornography.

I'm not going to get you.

Dude, the biggest ass tits.

She's just letting me.

I'm just, we're like, we were fucked up, but I was like, Lo, let me draw you.

That was my, that was my move.

That was a dream.

You wouldn't think you're an artist.

I used to carry a guitar around.

Didn't know how to play the thing.

No.

You just used it to get pussy.

And honestly, they don't know this, but I would draw the tit, the naked shit.

It was just a stencil.

And then I would just have to fucking fuck up their face.

I took a picture of her naked while she was sleeping, and then I just traced it while she was sitting there.

And she didn't know.

That's how dumb this bitch is.

They didn't have revenge porn laws back then.

Photography was brand new.

You just photograph a baby.

You rip her shirt off while she's asleep.

Take a picture, and then you trace them, and then they think you're an artist.

They show it to all their friends, and they're like, I can't wait to get a pussy from this guy who just got back from Europe.

Damn, I would love that movie, dude.

Put Leonardo DiCaprio in fucking prosthetic makeup, don't even get it.

It's halfway through, he's like, Listen, you gotta fuck my friend Fabrizio.

You're gonna have to give my friend Fabrizio a taste.

Come on, baby.

And he's like, Escucho.

Oh, no, no, especially

dichez,

spaghetti.

Yeah.

Fubrizu is just fat as shit, sitting next to him in a chair, next to him,

eating spaghetti and smiling.

I can't wait to get some pussy also.

We got so much pussy, Jack.

What are other dumb movies where men have to sacrifice themselves for women?

Just redo all of them.

As long as we're remaking everything, just redo.

Yeah, for guys.

Yeah, you don't even have to change.

The pendulum swings both ways for girls.

Isn't that you don't make it you make the guy version of a girls movie but this time it's you do actually switch some fucking expectation right

instead of it just being like the guy version of like yaya sisterhood or whatever because that would just be a movie for gay man yeah yeah

what is it they it's pants they both they all share they all have that's the sisterhood of the pants the sisters the yaya

you should see that movie you should see that movie stuff because it takes place in in the greek islands i might re-watch mona lisa today that movie's so good mona lisa smile?

No, Mona Lisa, the Bob Hodge.

No, you're talking about Mona Lisa's smile, dude.

Stop trying to take shots.

That's where I send a bird.

I don't want

before Eric comes in.

Listen,

the pain that Eric would inflict

from his talons would not hurt as much as the pain of you making a new friend and ditching me for some sort of bird.

You mean a pet?

I don't know.

That's not a man.

A pet is a fucking bad.

You're jealous of a fucking animal?

They're jealous of a pet.

I'm not jealous.

That's fucking pathetic.

It is pathetic.

Are we jealous of Isis?

A little bit.

Not at all.

Never be jealous of you.

We like her.

Better than me?

Equally.

That's the only reason we're friends with you.

I'll take it equally.

That's nice of you.

The only reason we're friends with.

The only reason you're on this show is because you have a dog.

Yep.

Well, it balances out the vibe.

What was I going to say?

Not a thing.

No.

You need

to do that.

Absolutely nothing.

No, I I was going to say something.

Shut up.

Fucking shit is what you're going to say.

What's for fucking lunch?

I know, dude.

I'm so fucking.

We hit the hour mark, boys.

Let's figure out what we're going to eat.

Did we hit the hour?

I think so.

Maybe we should do another read just for fun.

For money?

For money or fun?

Yeah, we'll do one on spec.

We're going to start doing spec.

Oh, fuck.

Is there any place to get everyone knows that?

What we thought about driving a car

is having to pump the gas.

That's why Tesla has invented a car that runs purely on batteries.

Fucking Elon.

Can we rob his ass, dude?

Let me get a fucking Elon?

Let me get 2 mil, Elon.

That's all I want.

Give me 2 mil.

I want to buy a fucking brownstone to him.

I know.

He could buy so many brownstones.

I want a brownstone.

Give me 2 mil, Elon.

Can you imagine

how much criticism she would face if Elon Musk was a woman?

So fucking true.

A woman could never.

She wouldn't be allowed to have that much money.

They wouldn't allow it.

They would kill her.

They would.

They would find her, and they were fucking shitting her pussy.

Damn, I was trying to throw up on the mic, but I can't.

I can't.

I'm going to start.

Because people get mad at what you do on the mic.

What if we started throwing up on the mic?

Yeah, how would you like that?

You fucking dumb.

You're like, they would hate her.

To the hot girl politics.

We do bulimia on the mic.

Yeah,

people getting mad at Red Scare for doing bulimia on the show.

They keep not eating on the show.

Stop not eating into the mic.

It's disgusting.

We're just kidding.

We've patched up our friendships with them.

And by we, I mean me.

Oh, interesting.

Interesting.

Well, I I went to a New Year's party featuring Anna.

It was nice.

Okay.

We had a good time.

Before people started spreading rumors about some kind of intro-show animosity.

Well, I don't know.

There's absolutely no.

There's nothing.

There's no beef.

Okay.

I mean, I don't.

Yeah, Adam's.

There are styles

of enemies in the

War of Weights.

Anyway, I watched the movie Jack this weekend where Robin Williams is an adult but a boy.

And yeah, it's pretty, it's

pretty absurd

how hot his mom is.

Who's his mom?

Diane Lane, peak 10 of 10 Diane Lane.

Diane Lane.

The perfect Diane Lane.

You know what I watched?

Actually, every woman watched that movie.

It was, I don't know, something that was put on at maybe 2.30 a.m.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, that's a horrible movie.

It's Francis Ford Coppola.

Yeah, that's so weird.

But it is kind of, I do want to like program a film festival where I play that and Clifford and

there's one other movie that I think.

Diane Lane's got some nice titties.

Diane Lane is the hottest movie.

All right, let's bring up her tits.

She gets fucked in that movie Unfaithful with Richard Guillaume.

That's what I'm looking at.

It's a very good sex scene.

That's what I'm looking at.

Well, what the fuck is this?

Is this a bitch that looks like her?

She's getting fucking torn up.

Who the fuck is this?

Diane Lane stolen sex tape.

What the hell is this?

I don't know.

You got your fucking child things on?

I'm like, oh, you know what I did?

I had to turn.

There's some fucking website, like a Jerusalem Estates.

It's some apartment complex in Israel.

And for whatever reason, like their fucking ads, but these fucking, these guys,

these shysters, they put something in like the code of their ads.

So if if you're scrolling on a website, it stops scrolling when you hit their ad.

So you accidentally click on the ad.

And I've accidentally clicked on their ad like a hundred times, so I had to block their website.

As you should have.

But when you block it, like the only way to block an individual website on the iPhone, you have to block all adult content.

Really?

Yeah.

That sucks.

I'm watching something that people.

Do you think this is Diane Lane?

Yeah.

That's the scene from the movie.

No.

That's just a board.

No, that's the movie.

She looks kind of like her.

We should do an entire episode.

She's getting her shit clapped.

We should do an entire episode where we're all just watching different ports on our individuals.

She looks like her, honestly.

I'm about to jack off.

Ooh, I'm about to jack off.

I'm about to jack the fuck up out with my bean wild.

Oh, fuck damn.

Anyway, I got to stop watching this.

Yeah.

Well, I got to stop watching this, boy.

That is straight up bad news, bear.

This is the scene from Unfaithful.

I've seen it.

Let me just say this, Ellen.

She is the hottest woman of all time.

And she plays Jack's mom.

She's bad hot, bro.

Jack's hot, but you know what?

Wait, wait, okay.

This is

the women in the movie Jack.

All of them.

Jennifer Lopez, right?

Jennifer Lopez, top of her game.

She looks great.

Fran Dresher

plays his friend's mom who wants to fuck him.

Salud.

Unreal looking in that movie.

And his mom, Diane Lynn.

It's one of the worst movies with some of the hottest women in the entire world.

Some of the nicest pieces of pussy curse.

Some of the nicest pieces of pussy in the entire world.

A piece of pussy curse.

A piece of pussy curse?

I don't know.

All right.

Listen, guys, if you haven't gotten a Stobby Baby calendar yet, we've got a discount running right now.

$10 off.

Only got about 100 left.

So go to stopby.by.

They piece a calendar at $1 each.

That is

not $1 each.

I don't exactly know what it is, but the virtual guy does it.

They're charging $47 each.

That is not true either.

Now we've overcorrected to the other way.

So go do that.

And stop me.biz.

There's t-shirts available at column.town.

It's the official podcast merch that you can wear.

A lot of them are safe to wear.

A lot of them are for bitches.

It is Nick's merch.

It is not the official podcast merch.

Well, I'm on the podcast, and it's officially merch.

You know what?

My calendar is

money goes.

It's the official podcast calendar.

Thank you.

Who gives a shit?

Thank you.

I will take you that.

And I'm starting an app.

Who gives a shit?

I just want to announce today I am starting an app.

It's an Adam Friedland app.

You can talk to other Adam Friedland fans.

Kind of like Jeremy Renner tried to do last year.

He's just starting it for me.

Yeah, why not?

I'll get in the Google Play Store and the iTunes store.

People can touch it on.

I'm not going to be able to get a bad name.

Like the Google, like, let's play.

Let's play.

Let's play.

Let's play.

It does sound like

play place.

Come over to play.

Yeah, you want to maybe use Google?

We could play around, see what happens.

Download a couple apps.

That does feel like the way...

Shove the phone in my ass.

That does seem like the way

a weird poly person would say, come over to have sex.

Yeah, well, they call sex play.

It's weird.

Yeah,

those are the worst people in the world.

Because you you know what's playing?

You know what's play?

Tossing the ball around.

Yeah.

Have an old-fashioned catch.

Kid and play.

Kid in a house party.

Put a guy.

Yeah, putting that guy's hair in your pussy.

That's play.

Yeah.

So what is the move for lunch, boys?

The move is going to patreon.com slash Cometown.

If you

are tired of the lack of quality in the regular episodes.

Oh, we post all the good episodes.

Patreon episodes.

They're much different.

They're the post-lunch episodes.

We're fired up, and I've been saying slurs under my breath, playing the penis game with slurs as the waiter approaches.

And then I'm in what they call the goofball.

It's too cold to eat outside, though, right?

We're going to have to order again.

You're shirtless.

You're not wearing a shirt.

But I'm indoors.

But you walked in like this.

All your clothes got sucked into the electric bison.

I was wearing a fucking jacket and a hoodie and a shirt.

That's why, and I was doing vigorous exercise, which even though some haters will say it's not.

Did we do the reads?

We did two reeds.

We did dick pills and crannums.

Damn, I got scared.

All I could remember was that Falcon.

Let me just say that I fucking, even though it was an electric bike, let me pull up my fucking Fitbit right now and say, you know, I burned

2,000 calories

today.

So it's like

you only had 10,000 calories.

That doesn't seem accurate.

Why?

Is that possible?

2,000,000 calories of activity?

How are you not like anemic?

Oh, that includes your

lumber

EDE.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What is that?

I have 26

metabolic rate.

I have 26 zone minutes in the fat burn zone.

I love that for you.

Thank you very much.

I love to hear that you're in the bag.

Let's just everyone chill out.

Look, it's working.

Let's everything.

The one thing that's amazing about those pit bits is that you see those numbers, and it definitely has a correlation with what you actually look like.

Again, I will, the hate rolls down my back

because of the shape of your back.

No, because

your back has the same slant as a stomach would.

There is no, no.

It's because I'm not affected by you small people.

Okay?

If you were, if Adam, Nick, for example, if you started this, look, first of of all my criticism is directed towards big tech not big people

I don't I don't think I have you have a well-documented problem with the overweight only because stemming from your own traumatic only from your money stemming from STEM from big tech's association no yes

if you were if you were doing some would I say to you if you were doing a little bit of mental health if you did a little meditation would I say you're a fucking piece of shit you only did 10 minutes or whatever you go get a go go to fucking therapy no I would say good job Nick that's a nice small step and

if you

were keeping a game

did I say don't exercise I said that doesn't sound accurate in regards to your Fitbit I would have liked some fucking positivity I think I think

I think you should late you should walk away from I've always supported you every step of the way you have yeah and when there was one thing you should you know what that would go based on

you should get rid of the Fitbit and you should exercise because it makes you feel good, and you'll establish a more healthy relationship with exercise rather than one dictated by

some trivial machine.

And you know what?

I'm going to get an Apple Watch.

I'm selling your data.

First of all, you have an Apple Watch

so I can tell what time it is.

You have an Apple Watch, and you're always talking about macros.

Macros are different.

No, they're not.

Macros are,

they turn into calories, but

it's also, I'm on the other end of the space.

You need to be exactly right.

You do need to be.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

We're the same.

No, you need to be mindful of macros and stuff when you're in the window of 8% to maybe 12% body fat

because then it's down that's down to a fine science.

When you're six, seven hundred pounds overweight.

I weigh 285 pounds.

Not bad.

Yeah, thank you.

You're down like 40.

I was at 315.

To be honest with you, I can never tell how much you weigh.

My memory of you when we first met

was that you were 700 pounds.

I was probably 315 when we first met.

But I remember you being much, I remember you not having

articulated knees.

I was round as a bitch for sure.

Moving in the way that

a geo dude would.

I was

yeah,

I do get pretty fucking wobbly.

Yeah, I was wearing, I was and then since then, though, because I remember you losing weight, and then I probably since you lost your hair, I've just thought of you as a bald person.

And I don't, I don't really notice

that I don't really notice

that.

Now the hair is back.

Now the hair is back.

And all you can do is look at how fat I am.

Adam is like, Stav gained three pounds.

I'm like, how can you tally that?

Come on, man.

I didn't gossip about that.

Always, constantly.

I didn't gossip about it.

Yeah, as soon as you leave, it's like stops up 10 pounds.

No, that's 11.

Are you serious?

I've installed secret scales in the floor.

Do you have a secret scale before?

Adam.

Do you have a secret scale on the floor?

But it was weird.

I had one of those

memories.

My entire apartment is a scale.

Those iCloud memories pop up from when we went to DC in like 2018.

We went to that Chinese restaurant.

Oh, yeah.

Remember?

Yes.

And you look like literally maybe a quarter of the size you are now.

I was much, that was right before I hurt my foot.

Yeah.

And it all went down.

I don't know if it was right before, was it?

It was like those.

That might have been the only off the beaten path restaurant that I've ever taken the boys to.

That was

where I was given a compliment.

Can I say?

You crushed it, Adam.

I was like, do you want to go to this holiday inn?

I know there's a off of New York Avenue.

I know there's a Chinese

restaurant.

Right off of the fucking beach.

Very, very much off the beaten path.

That restaurant.

And then you immediately started gaining weight after that.

So, who?

No, it was a couple months.

It was my real friend.

It was a couple months.

It was the Skank Fest basketball tournament.

And which one of your friends said, Stav, you should tear your planner fascia at the game as a joke?

Adam.

That's right.

No, I didn't say that.

So me

just worried about which device you happen to be using.

I will be using an Apple Watch.

Is that what you want?

Has this all been

so I can add you as a friend?

So we can do walkie-talkies?

So we could do walkie-talkies.

That is a big reason I want Machiavellian and its pursuits

to bully a man into being able to use the walkie-talkie.

And then as soon as Adam gets an Apple Watch, they're going in the trash.

What size do you have?

The biggest one or the smaller one?

Yeah, the 44.

I don't know.

I think I'll go smaller.

Nah, this is like.

That's probably a small one.

Yeah, you kind of have tiny wrists, actually.

You're insecure about your small wrists, and then you're producing a lot of the same thing.

You do have small wrists.

It's already the penis size, actually.

It's a pain in the ass to use

the buttons.

It's like not, I can't imagine it would be more comfortable or like easy.

Well, certainly not easier, but I feel like the smaller one would be unusable.

I don't know.

I'm just used to the little ass Fitbit.

Do this shit.

Anyway, what are we going to eat, man?

Let's figure it out.

Let's go to Smoke Joint.

Bajohr's fucking barbecue.

Where is that?

Long Island City.

What?

Where did I go to Long Island City?

Let's do outdoor dining in 23 degrees?

I want barbecue.

What I'm saying is, let's get barbecue.

Why barbecue, man?

Why not?

Seafood.

Where?

Isn't there a seafood place?

I'll broil us some salmon.

Seawolf.

Can't we just go buy some seafood and I'll broil it?

We can go to the store, yeah, if you want to.

That would be good.

Some salmon?

And watch 48 hours?

Yes, I would love to do that.

Let's get some barbecue and watch 48 hours.

No, I don't want to get barbecue.

We'll meet in the middle.

We're going to get a smoker and smoke a salmon for 40 hours.

Let's get a big green egg, use it indoors.

I love that.

To warm my apartment, fill it with some nice smoked juices.

I don't know why, but I would love to cut your head off with a machete.

Why do you say these things?

I don't know.

Sometimes it pops into my head.

You say these things sometimes.

Your head would look funny on a big green smoker.

If we did kind of like a Rwandan genocide for you,

you know, just left your head in the middle of some dirt road somewhere,

let local children kick it around.

There's a soccer ball.

But I don't, now it's past.

It's gone.

All right.

Well, I'm glad we're back to normal.

You guys also haven't noticed that I've been wearing lifts this entire episode.

Yeah, you have been.

Yeah.

Are you?

Yeah.

To fix my posture, I've bought elevator lifts.

Oh my god.

I thought you were joking.

Those are the fucking gayest shoes I've ever seen in my life.

I thought they were just crocs.

No, no, I'm wearing clogs

for my posture my post

how does that go fucking pilgrim's shoes do my posture of not being six foot three

does it actually look fit your back apparently it's good for your back yeah how is my back's been back though i feel like that would like shorten apparently people in the restaurants and people that are on their feet a lot where where dance goes

so i've i've gotten them as my in-the-house but you're not you're sitting down almost constantly that is true right now you're sitting down

you're never Anytime I've seen you, you're lounging.

No, I'm walking from living room to bedroom to bathroom, back to kitchen.

You know, I'm constantly on my feet.

That's what people in restaurants wear.

They look like they would slip.

No.

Well, yeah, you got to get used to them.

You got to break them in.

Those look like fucking dumbass shoes, bro.

Yeah, but like, look at this, bad boy.

That's horrible.

Right there.

I'm literally being a woman right now.

You are wearing women's shoes.

You're wearing high-heeled.

I'm wearing high-heeled shoes.

I'm wearing dance goes.

Anyway.

Oh, Adam's Deal Corner, Paragon Sports, if you're in the New York City area, is doing a massive sale because they're downsizing their store.

So everything was like a damage.

That store is ridiculously oversized.

Well, they're, I guess, selling.

Paragon fucking sucks, dude.

I love Paragon Sports.

It's one of the places I go to.

You go to REIs, where's Paragon?

And also, too, it's like until like fucking three years ago, there was Modells.

I mean, Mode Ells is gone now.

So now you have no.

Got to go to Moe's, but you can't.

We used to have Sports Authority and City Sports.

We had Sports Authority, City Sports, Model.

Is there another one, too?

No.

Not that I can think of that was just like a big one.

Yeah.

I used to go to Hollow Bird Sports over in.

Where the fuck is that?

Like, past Rosedale?

I don't know if there's a Dicks in the city.

There's definitely a lot of people.

I'm thinking of Dicks.

There's Dicks in Queens.

Yeah.

Sports Authority was.

Sports Authority was the spot.

Yeah, dude.

I used to love shooting hoops on the hoops inside of Sports Authority.

yeah

all right what's that for seafood market around here bedsty fish fry maybe that's not a market that's just a restaurant the captain's oh yeah yeah

something like that yeah or yo you know what because i'm moving this week we should i should we should i don't know i'm sorry for saying yo i'm sorry i didn't mean to say yo but we should

we should go to the seafood oh cool the seafood pizza pizza restaurant okay

yeah yeah yeah yeah the restaurant that is both the seafood and pizza

We should break into Davin Buster's.

I've said before I move, I want to go there one time.

Yeah, we should do that.

It's probably cool, and it's probably all filled with mold and slime and snakes and shit.

Yeah, dude.

And we could still do all those things.

It's like a New Orleans post-Katrina, Davin Buster.

We should go to Chuck E.

Cheese for the pizza, dude.

It isn't.

It's not bad, but it's a good pizza.

Yeah.

All right.

Goodbye, everybody.

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