Ep. 242 – Zer0 (inches) Books

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All right.

Like you, we don't want to do this either.

So we're going now.

This is the show.

Welcome to the show.

Welcome to the show.

If you're listening, we're trying out something new.

We got the phone plugged into the board.

Yeah, we're doing a call-in segment, like sports radio style.

Our friend Doug Lane.

Is it Lane?

Yeah, Lane.

Lane, okay.

We're close, close friends, yeah.

I didn't know if it was a good buddy.

It could be pronounced Lion.

Lane.

Lane.

Lane.

No, it's Lane.

Lion Doug.

We got Lion.

Are you related to Nathan Lane?

Yeah, perhaps.

No, unfortunately, no.

And it's spelled differently, I think.

We got Doug Lane, famously brother of Nathan Lane.

Nathan Lane and Lane's brother.

Also gay brothers.

Talk to us about his experience on the set of mousetraps.

That was a pretty crazy movie.

Yeah, they got that guy from

Robin Williams to be in it.

What if you remember it?

From Water World.

Oh, that guy, yeah.

The plot of the movie is a mouse has escaped from Richard Gerezad.

And he's being chased

around the house.

And they got, yeah, they hired three former members of the SEAL team.

Real quick, though, before, because we already recorded one episode, but I did want to say up top, because it's the first episode we've done since the Capitol Hill thing.

Rest in peace to the guy who shocked his nuts

so hard he died.

That's all, and then we can get going.

That's the first thing I wanted to say.

We have Doug here, and it's good timing because I would personally like to go off about censorship, but considering the current context, it wouldn't be received as anything other than me being a Nazi apologist.

Yeah, right.

Doug has his own issue he's dealing with with big tech silencing people.

And we can have Doug on discuss his issue in a way that won't make people

send hate mail to me.

Wait, Doug, real quick, also.

I can't guarantee that, guys.

Oh, yeah, that's fine.

It's the kind I can deal with.

Real quick, we're.

This is one thing I will say is that the hate I get from

frog Twitter people is usually

they'll just call you a faggot and then they stop.

Yeah.

I mean,

that's easy to deal with.

It's the people that like

me to, like, go to them for, like, absolution as if they're, like, a priest,

you know, for defe I don't know, defending whoever.

Who are these people?

I don't know.

The other half of the people in my DMs?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, I have found that the mute button is

a, works wonders.

So I'm constantly ratioed on Twitter, but I have no idea what's going on.

Unfortunately, my mind, I don't work that way.

And if if

somebody comes a knocking,

I'm yelling.

Interesting.

I can't hold back.

Nah, you got to fucking put that shit on mute and go fucking

fucking salmon.

That's what I do.

I have nothing to live for.

I have nothing else to do.

Just either argue with people online or watch the grassy.

And

I don't want to spoil my dinner, as they say, by consuming too much degrassi at once.

I want to spread it out over the next

year or so.

So, Doug,

you've got, like, what's what's going on?

I briefly read over what you said, but YouTube is.

Yeah, also tell our audience who you are.

Yes, yeah.

Okay, yeah.

So, I'm the publishing manager and publicist for a book imprint called Zero Books.

I'm also a writer in my own right.

I've written some novels.

People should Google me and buy my books.

But, yeah, I put out YouTube videos to promote the books that we publish, uh-huh, and it's sort of like a left-wing Marxist commie kind of imprint of book publishing.

And so I put out these little like faggoty critical theory videos, and um

they uh uh are usually I try to be topical to get the clicks, right?

So, like, I'll be talking about

I don't know, uh, Adorno, but I'll be uh talking about Jimmy Dore or,

you know,

very topical Jimmy Dore.

Very topical.

Yeah, Jimmy Dore.

People are still talking about that.

Extremely topical reference.

Jimmy Dore.

You go outside, you ask any 14-year-old who their favorite comedian is, and they'll say Jimmy Dore.

Oh, wait a second.

I remember those motherfuckers.

Corkheimer and Adorno.

They were doing some shit, right?

I took a class a couple years ago.

What did they say?

What did that motherfucker Adorno say?

Adorno was a Frankfurt School guy who said that

there's no such thing as poetry after Auschwitz.

No,

the fans are going to love that.

He famously said Auschwitz was the most beautiful thing.

That's what we have.

There's no way to create meaningful art because nothing will ever top out.

Someone says that.

No, that's fucked up.

Someone said that about 9-11, and I kind of do agree.

Adorno said, no one's allowed to have fun if I'm in the room.

I think it's the most cool thing.

so yeah, so anyway, a few months back actually was in November, I created a video about the Great Reset.

You guys heard about the Great Reset?

Yes,

the Prince of England is trying to create a new world.

No one's allowed to call him gay.

You can fuck as many children as you want if you're the Prince of England after the Great Reset.

We need to save capitalism by making it even worse and keeping the people in power in power for even longer, but in a different way now.

Yeah, that's basically it.

So, the great reset is actually like something that the, I don't know, like the Goldman Sachs and the World Economic Forum put together as a way to rebrand exactly the same shit they were doing anyway.

And it's such a, it's such a, like, honestly, it's such a Chad move to be like, this is not working.

We need to, we need to do it over, but worst, it's still us.

We still win.

What's that like?

It's like when Stringer Bell renamed the product.

Remember when he's going to fucking school, economic school, and they tell him just rename the thing and try it again?

Is that what you're saying?

Yeah, that's basically this.

So I made this, but you know, the Great Reset.

The Great Reset on the right is like a big conspiracy theory.

They think the Jews are

doing revelation of method, or I don't know what they think.

So I made this video.

I don't know what you think.

But I made this video.

Yeah.

I made this video critiquing the great reset, right?

Like, I like, I like, but I made the mistake of quoting Alex Jones, like running a clip of Alex Jones at the beginning.

And then Alex Jones said something like, COVID is a weapon.

And I said, of course, he's right.

COVID is a weapon, a weapon against the working class, just like everything else under capitalism.

You know, real smart.

Anyway, they took it down.

They took the video down.

The YouTube algorithm flagged it or something happened.

I mean, I hadn't even made it public and they took it down.

Oh, shit.

And then

I got a community strike.

Or not a full strike, but a warning.

Which in the YouTube world is basically like you've been outed as a pedophile, and you have to go around.

Yeah,

that's right.

That's right.

So, like, this is like I violated community standards by releasing this video about how the right-wing are nuts, and you know, Christopher Lash was worth thinking about because that was the other thing in the video.

But the thing they accuse the video of being is like misinformation about covet you know like is putting forward medical misinformation um so like okay if you it's like a 15 minute long video if you listen to the whole thing it's our usual marxist communist bullshit it's not uh giving you instructions on how to burn a mask or why you shouldn't get vaccinated or anything like that right that's not in there so they're wrong they're just like this they just they didn't pay attention to the video which of course they didn't it's a robot right um And

that's kind of the real problem is that

not only do these companies have all of this power now, but then the power is going to be automated.

So there's even less accountability.

Right.

Right.

Yeah.

So, like, the first thing I do when it's taken down and I see this community standard strike is I try to get to some human being through their system and I can go to a chat window and I'm chatting away with somebody who knows where they are.

But it's clear to me after a little while, because I used to work at Comcast in the sales department back in the early 2000s.

Yeah, it was the worst job I ever had.

And

it was clear to me, like, this is just some rep who has no power, but has a script.

Like, they have no.

So, like, they're telling me, oh, don't worry.

If your views are going down, it's probably just because of

your thumbnail.

Right.

You should actually try a picture where you can sort of see a lady's tits.

But

I have found that those get the most views and I have also as a consumer found myself clicking even if it's like some kind of even if I know it's a video that I'm not gonna see tits part of me is like well maybe so I don't know that's what I would say it's based Todd Lovian you know yeah

so I guess that's what I would say what I would suggest is to maybe think about that to lead with something like that

Well, the reason I'm on the show is because I've heard a rumor that one of you guys are fucking Susan Waziski, the CEO of YouTube.

Yeah, well, I used to hook up.

She used to eat my ass.

I've fucked her several times.

I actually fucked her before Nick, though, to be fair.

Let's get that on the record.

No, not that.

Could you make a video about how Nick lies about fucking women before me?

On YouTube?

On YouTube.

I want that out.

I will be glad to make it.

The other thing Adorno said was that

lady.

Whatever you said, no.

Well, I'm hoping that you could maybe, you know, talk to her after a session, a little pillow talk about getting the

honestly, dude.

We don't talk that much.

Listen, they don't.

It's not really a talk thing.

Yeah, she knows.

She knows myself.

My thing with her was more emotional.

Yeah, Adam's who you want to look at for talking.

But she doesn't respect him.

Yeah.

No, yeah.

Well, I get emotional.

So would you say, would you,

the idea is that you are like what people call shadow banned?

Well, it seems like it, although it's hard to, you can't really say, right?

Because you're, you know, like in the last month, our views have dropped significantly, but at the same time, we're not putting out exactly the same content as we did before.

So it's, eh, and it's December.

And, you know, so I don't know, but what I do know is if I get another

glitch like this,

they will remove my channel.

Like, I'm on the precipice of it's all gone.

And, you know, it's not a huge channel, but it has has like 77,000 subscribers.

Yeah, that's something.

That's something good.

So, and

hopefully after this,

yeah.

So, I'm hoping that I can communicate with someone at YouTube and have it removed.

But also,

we gotta, some of us content creators need to get together and try to make some demands because this is ridiculous.

If you can get a community standard strike based on an algorithm, you know, fart, then you're, you know, the whole, the whole thing is sort of, it's very precarious.

Oh, yeah.

A lot of things aren't precarious enough.

We're definitely fucked.

Do you have any hope that that'll ever happen?

Because it thoroughly feels like that war is lost.

Like,

that's done now.

Any idea that there'll be any way to push back against the idea of like big tech and a handful of like maybe companies that you can count on like on one hand will have complete control over who's allowed to say what and when.

And

also that it'll it'll be completely automated.

I think

that a demand that content creators could make if we organize was that when you reach a certain threshold, like basically, if you're monetized,

then you should be able to talk to a human being about your

these kinds of things.

That's such a hilarious low bar, but you're so right.

There's no way to get a fucking human being ever to talk to you about any of that shit.

Right.

So you should have it should be transparent.

There should be a process.

You should be able to defend yourself.

I guess

I would agree with that, like from our position, but it's also like

I don't know the actual answer, but I feel like with something like Patreon, right?

It's like Patreon probably makes the bulk of their money off like the like probably 100,000 anime accounts

that have

that have like you know two or three subscribers because like we do we're we're up there you know we're probably like 15 we're in the top 15 or 20 patreons and if we do the math we really we only bring in about like 45 grand a year of revenue for them it's like really it's really not that much money so they have to be making all their money off of these smaller accounts that are just you know they're collecting that five percent fee off like all of these people that sign up and

contribute a small part individually but it's the bulk of their money so right the idea that they're funding our access to be able to tell patreon what to do and they have no protections whatsoever as much as i don't really like or want to associate with any of those anime accounts

they're all your accounts it seems in well they're the ones that are actually

they're all the ones actually funding the whole fucking thing i don't see what you're saying what do you mean how are they funding it because the bulk of patreon's money has to be coming from those people so this model so So there's like a flat fee to just have an account is what you're saying?

Well, they collect 5%.

If there's fucking a million anime accounts making in $5 a month, it's making more than one account that you're going to have.

Right, right, right.

Okay, I got you.

Yeah, so

for YouTube, it must be something similar, right?

I mean, it's like, well, yeah,

an idea of like, okay, well, if you're monetized and you get access to customer service, it's like, well, everybody should have access to customer service.

The easiest answer should be that these companies don't get to just fucking kick people off.

Or if they are, then they should be broken up so that

there's more competition and more options.

Yeah, but the problem with that for something like YouTube is that there's so many billions of hours of video going up every day from all over the world that a human being couldn't really handle

all of it.

Like, I'm thinking there's a small section of

content creators that maybe the top 5% or something that are actually monetized, and

even a smaller number that are like making enough that it matters at all.

Right.

That's the other thing.

Isn't it like in that case, then the ones that are really making the most money are these like super huge, you know, like these literally like the Paul brothers or wherever the fuck, and like people doing like pranks or whatever with like you know, 10 million subscribers.

And then somebody that is kind of in the like fifth, you know,

even let's say 20,000 to 100,000 range, though, then I don't know, aren't those people sort of like kind of in the weird middle where YouTube definitely doesn't give a fuck about them because they don't, I guess so.

Yeah, I mean, that's probably right for YouTube, but on the other hand, you have a platform that has, let's say, 50,000 subscribers, and you have a Patreon, and you do, I don't know, affiliate marketing or some shit like that.

It's all part of your business, right?

Right, right.

I figure like you should have,

if you're monetized at all, maybe you should have some way to have a process for this this and not and have it be relatively transparent.

And

I don't think that's a wild demand.

Whether the question is, like, can we get like, what, yeah, like, what's our leverage?

And I, but isn't that kind of just an appeal that if you have enough money, you should get special treatment with this company?

I mean, because it's like it's more like if you're an employee.

Because the other thing is, they're they're changing their model and they're going to,

you know, they're going to pay you a little differently and almost as if you're uh an at-will contracted and or, you know, like you're, there's like some sort of contractor with them instead of

however the fuck they were doing it before.

Yeah, I it's it's I mean, because I agree with you that they shouldn't like this, it should not be an automated process that people should just get shut down or whatever, or shadow banned, or whatever iteration of like censorship is happening in big tech at large.

But the idea that if you're monetized or there's some sort of like income threshold you need to cross before you have protections from that automation is not something I agree with.

It should be like a full-stop principle that this shouldn't be happening to anybody.

Because as things move on, especially if who knows how long this fucking virus bullshit is going to go on, where everybody has to work from home, or we move into more of an economy where you're dependent on like the online version of the gig economy, where you're required to deal with these payment processors or the one or two companies in front of them that insulate you from them.

If these processes are automated and you have to make a certain amount of money before you can get any kind of like

you know look at or oversight into you being automatically banned from these things, it's like furthering a problem that already exists.

So it should just be full stop.

Nobody is getting banned automatically for anything.

Not, you know, if you get banned automatically and you're monetized or you make X amount of money, then you get access to somebody that can look into it for you.

Yeah, you know, at that point, though, I mean, I can see the principle of what you're saying, but at that point,

really, they just have to change their whole model because they would have to, they just have to make it a lot harder for people to upload content.

Well, they would have to make it a lot harder for content to get removed, which means allowing things to stay on there, which means, like, you know, sometimes, yeah, it may be offensive or like misinformation.

And I guess that's like, that's the, the balance you have to figure out.

But I don't know.

Well, I mean, I'm just saying if you have to have a human being involved before things get taken down, like, you know,

then you'd have to have human beings hired to be going through these videos for, I don't know, pornography and all sorts of shit.

Right, where do you do that?

I feel like that's probably how it used to be at all of these companies.

If you go back to YouTube in 2006, 2007, that's probably how it worked.

I feel like there was like a vice article or something about some people who just like their job was to make sure there's no like snuff porn or like literally like you know people dying or like kid porn like they used to have people that were like screening this shit and i guess they don't anymore i mean yeah i mean i can't even imagine the sheer amount of

hours of footage that gets uploaded to youtube a day

right yeah i mean i'm just assuming i don't i i don't really know how feasible it is technically but you know if you just look at the raw numbers that are out there and the promotional material around youtube it looks like an insurmountable task at the very least.

Essentially, I don't know.

I feel like you should get an to appeal to a real fucking person.

Like, everyone should at least, like, I know you're, I see what you're saying, Nick, where it's like, let me tell you, everyone should get a shot at it.

I'll say this.

Well, theoretically, you do.

Like, we did an appeal, right?

And it supposedly was looked at by a person, but that person didn't tell us why they rejected our appeal.

Right, right.

And we didn't talk to that person.

And so, like, it, you know, it may have been a person.

It may have just been somebody who saw the appeal and clicked no, or, you know, I don't know what they did.

Yeah,

I'll say this, and then you can, like, plug your channel and stuff or whatever videos.

And then, um, you know,

we'll go from there.

But, like, when we, so there's been times where we've been worried about like Patreon as a platform for whatever reason, either like deplatforming because they're worried about like, you know, a massive amount of reports on our account or just that, you know, there's like, they've had trouble in the past just keeping the lights on with a couple of decisions that they've made.

So, like anyone else on Patreon that eventually transitioned to making all their money off of it, we were worried about like, okay, well, we have to build our own platform at some point.

And then once you go into the idea of like distributing content and collecting like subscription payments, the first hurdle you'll get to is you're going to have to choose some kind of payment processor.

And there are really not a lot of options.

And I don't want to go into which companies like we went with, but just based on the name of the show alone, we got a hard no.

Not for political reasons, not because it's dangerous.

We're not selling pornography.

It's just the name of the show.

And these companies have a lot of money and they'd rather just not deal with it.

Now, I got one of the companies to change their mind because, like, I just happened to have a friend that knows a lot of investors in Silicon Valley, and I could just ask him for his help.

He sends some fucking email to somebody I don't even know.

And then two hours later, I get an email saying, Congratulations, we can work with you.

So,

basically,

and it's like

this is what I want you to do for me

at YouTube.

Find some guy.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I will.

I can refer him to you.

You probably know him anyways.

But

could I expand this conversation slightly?

Because I think this is pretty important, but I just want to open it up a little bit.

But you're as a

head of a publishing imprint and an author yourself, you're probably pretty familiar with books.

And Stav just read this book called The Giver.

Yeah.

And I just want to know if you've read it or what you think about that.

I don't have a lot.

Is that about sexual

giving?

There's a girl named Fiona who's pretty sexy.

Yeah,

from what I recall is a guy who's learning how to come, a young man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Learning how to come.

Fiona was divided.

I do have an idea for a book, though.

We can talk offline, but I was thinking kind of like a lifestyle, kind of like a thing called the Hard Dick Warrior's Way.

And it's sort of like, I don't know if that's the kind of thing your outfit would be interested in, but let's talk afterwards.

Yeah, you know,

I'm 50, so anything about getting a hard dick.

Oh, we've got some

for that too, my friend.

We've got something different this week.

Actually, not this week, but yeah,

you can bet on it at mybookie.

Oh, wow.

I hope you don't mind, Doug.

We're just going to go right into this.

Yeah, Doug, we're not Marxist socialists like you.

Because at any moment,

yeah, go ahead.

I have a question for you guys.

Before I came on your show, I mean, I,

well, no pun intended.

But before I appeared here, I kind of looked you up and because I've listened

to your show a few times.

I was like, is this like Chappo?

Is it not like Chappo?

I looked it on Wikipedia.

We're a lot like them.

Yeah, we're

just smarter.

We're a lot smarter.

Which, by the way,

if you're listening.

You're not about politics, but you're about being gay with your dad.

Yeah, that is.

If you're listening, all you have to do to get on the show is send me an email, which makes sense.

Yes, I mean, and then maybe Google.

Now, here's a girl took a bus from Pennsylvania once and did the show.

Just a girl.

Just a random girl.

It's important that you've never listened to the show, aren't aware of what it is.

That's way, no, that's so much more important.

We do not want like a super fan.

No, no, you're not.

If you've listened to it, you're not allowed.

If your avatar is you wearing chain mail and a Panama hat for some reason,

I wonder why.

Please don't ask to be on the show.

Yeah.

But I was wondering, like, when you say gay with your dad, do you mean it like in the old-fashions?

Like, you know, how do you do that?

We mean suck his cock.

We mean you suck his cock, you fuck him in the ass, he fucks you in the ass.

That kind of thing.

Give a little reach around

in the old sense of all of those words, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you put on a wrestling one league.

It's a new season.

Antonio Brown is on the Raiders.

Odell Beckham is in Cleveland.

That's right.

That's right.

That's one thing that hasn't changed this year.

Are you guys still there?

Yeah,

we're doing our ads.

We're just organically talking about a really favorite website of ours, mybookie.ag.

Mybookie.ag, which, Doug, look, if you're worried about your money because YouTube's shadow banning you and you're running out of places to turn, your dick doesn't get hard.

You have to come on Come Town in a Last Ditch Appeal.

God, you're.

Can I just be.

I don't want to be, I don't want to be mean or anything, but you're fucked.

This is not going to work.

This is not going to work.

You know who else asked to be on the show?

Mark Halperin.

Oh, yeah.

The guy from MSNBC that got me too.

It almost happened.

He wanted to revive his.

Because I didn't want to publicize it on the show, but Mark Halperin's publicist asked if he could be on the show so he could rehabilitate his image.

And at the time, we were still talking with Vinny.

And so

I approached his publicist and I said, here's what I want to do.

I want to put together the Bam Margera Mark Halbrin comeback board.

And

I'm going to have Scumbag Vinny on the bottom.

Scumbag Vinny.

Post of Scumtown Pod.

That would have been so off.

Vinny was fully on board, and

his publicist was like, I need more details.

I'm like, Vinny's in jail, but he'll get out.

And he's going to be out.

That's a guy you should look at for the rights to his autobiography, Vinny.

What's his last name?

It doesn't matter.

Scumbag.

Scumbag Vinny.

Scumbag Vinny.

His last name is Vinny Veadley.

The Beetle.

Yeah.

If we could find a critical theorist to put like Scumbag Vinny as understood by Marcuse, we'd do it.

I think so.

I think he knows.

And he's a big reader, too, of that kind of shit, too.

Marcuzo, yeah, whatever.

Well, I'll tell you what.

You know, if you find yourself in a year, you got six grand left of your name, all the money's dried up.

Then you need to double it up quickly.

You need to double it up quick, man.

Hit mybookie.ag.

It's the place to bet on football every weekend.

They've got better bonus and more prop bets than any other sports book, period.

And that's facts.

This year, they're hosting

an online handout.

On 1,000.

Super contest.

First place is guaranteed to win at least $100,000 and only cost $100.

You probably still have time to do that.

Look, go and find out if Andrew Cuomo is going to get his nipple piercing ripped out at the billion Cuomo.

There's prop bets on that.

You can find out if that's going to happen.

I think they match your deposit up to $1,000.

All you got to do is spend

NFL games against the spread every week to climb your leaderboard and score.

I think that's over.

That is the playoffs.

Go Ravens, by the way.

Fuck the Bills.

Go Bills.

Last year.

Yeah, fuck the Bills.

Go Bills.

Fuck the Bills, man.

My heart isn't wet.

Adam, shut the fuck up.

I would only recommend a service to my listeners.

It's been good to me.

That's why my bookie is always the right place.

Oh, it's been always the right place.

You win, they pay.

My bookie is live in-game betting on every NFL game.

They've got the most rewarding player person.

We got NBA back right now, folks.

We got it all.

And so go to mybookie.ag and you can.

Put money on the playoffs.

Promo code ComeTown.

Yeah, go bet on the playoffs.

Bet on the fucking Ravens.

We're not losing.

Fuck the Bills.

Here's the thing.

Fuck the Chiefs.

It's too late to make money in crypto.

You blew it.

You should have sold it 40.

That's going to collapse.

That's over.

The dollar's about to fucking collapse.

So bet on Lamar Lamar Jackson.

Big Truss motherfucker.

We got this shit.

You'll never bring yourself to buy gold because you're trash.

So take the money.

You're not elegant enough to buy gold.

You don't deserve gold.

You don't deserve to touch it and feel it.

No, sir.

Yeah.

So go to mybookie.he, promo code ComeTown or ComeTown20.

And you get a

nice bonus.

And it's the best website.

It's Come Town is the promo code.

Come Town is the promo code.

Do that, place a fat wager,

and bet on whether our friend Doug gets his YouTube channel back.

I'm going to bet against that.

I'm going to bet the house against is what it's looking like from here.

You have your channel.

Doug is really trying to circle the wagons by getting us.

Doug, Doug, let me ask you this.

So you have your channel, you just have a community strike against you.

Is that the case?

Yeah, it's a warning.

So it's like, if you do this again, you're gone.

All right.

So now,

do you have any enemies that are also on YouTube?

Well, I would say most of everyone else.

If you want, you can direct.

Yeah, you can direct the listeners to go to their accounts and file bullshit copyright claims

to get their channels taken down.

Because as we've learned, the only path forward is an eye for an eye.

That's right.

That's true.

I'll tell you what, guys, I'll give you an exclusive, something I don't talk about in public normally, but there is one channel that I actually hate.

It's called Cuck Philosophy.

Adam,

he's trashing your YouTube channel.

Are you going to let this stand?

Well, let's hear him out first.

So this guy, I don't know, some grad student with big long fucking, you know, rest, putin' beard,

started making videos.

Yeah, he's a real dick making videos about post-modernism

and Marxism and stuff like that about a year after I started doing Gerald Books stuff.

and the videos look remarkably similar.

But here's the little thing that

is like a thorn in my side.

It's like way bigger than us now.

It's like way off the chart.

You know, like, you know, oh, the Marxism of Shrek and shit like that.

So, um,

he stole your shit.

That is

sorry to stop you there, but that is one of the gayest things I've ever heard.

That is evidence enough that all of this is dead in the water and it's never going to happen.

Someone's producing videos called the Marxism of and then it's doing numbers?

Somebody's watching that?

I don't know, dude.

Oh, yeah, lots of people.

I read a book called Philosophy and Seinfeld recently, and I learned a lot of smart shit.

God damn, dude.

All right.

Well, you heard it here first, folks.

Go harass that guy.

Yeah.

Pile DMCA flags on him and get him banned.

Yeah, that's right.

Honestly, really, we need more people, more

people receiving automatic bans and suspensions.

Because that's the thing.

That's the end road.

It all goes to shit.

We all get banned and then we start over with an agrarian society.

The ideal is that if at the end of the year, the only accounts left on social media are Chinese state-affiliated accounts

denying the Uyghur genocide.

Those should be the only accounts on there.

And then Coca-Cola saying how gay they are and how upset they are when they're

Coca-Cola sucking a dick in honor of Officer Brian Sicknick.

Say his name.

Say his name.

Officer Brian Sicknick here

as we suck a cock at the Coca-Cola Corporation

and spit the cock, the come out.

That's right.

Absolutely.

Well, Doug, what's your channel if you want to plug it?

Just go to YouTube, type in zero books.

You can find it.

Google us, zero books.

My name's Douglas Lane.

My last name is spelled L-A-I-N.

All right.

Go to Amazon, type that in.

There's books I've written or other imprints that you should buy.

What are the latest titles you've published?

What's hot this year?

Well, you know, we published Against the Web by Michael Brooks.

Yeah, Yeah, you said it was

the latest

RIP.

Yeah, and uh, it's it's it turns out that if you die, it's really good for book sales.

So he's doing really well.

So are you saying Mike faked his shit?

Yeah, he's somewhere in Huckleberry somewhere.

Yeah, he's out there with Andy Kaufman somewhere.

No, um,

he did it unfortunately.

He got canceled authentically.

Yeah,

R.I.P.

R.I.P.

to a hard dick savage.

Good guy.

We've got a book by Grafton Tanner that's coming out about social media and about big tech.

I'm hoping, well, I can't say, but there are some big names in the podcasting world that may be writing a book for us soon.

Hey, man, 2022, the Hard Dick Warriors Wave.

We got it coming, dude.

I'm all in.

If you guys, you know, you guys have a platform.

I am a whore.

No chance.

I will literally write that book.

Give me like three weeks.

I'll have it done.

Stream of consciousness.

Before you finished, that fucking guy at Cuck Philosophy will have made a video about it.

Yeah, get that guy.

I'm writing a book too right now.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's called The Game of the Game, and it's

how to become friends with other

artists and

how to pick up on signs that people are using pickup artist style tactics on you and not actually in love.

I'm writing the unofficial Louis J.

Gomez biography.

That's pretty good.

You should put that on your imprint.

That's good.

Yeah.

The real ass person

is just what I remember of the movie City of God.

It's a good movie, bro.

I haven't seen it.

I want to see it.

You haven't seen City of God?

Come on, dude.

That's a great movie.

I'm going to watch it.

I've never seen

the sequel.

City of Satan.

What's it called?

City of Man, I think.

Oh, I don't.

Doug, are you a City of God fan?

No, but I should be, right?

No, he's a books guy, dude.

This fucking nerd is over here reading shit.

He's just never saying that.

I watched The Queen's Gambit.

Okay, now

that makes me current, right?

No,

that's chess.

You know, we don't torture women playing games, dude.

That's right.

Absolutely true, Adam.

I don't like them when they play games.

So fucking true, brother.

Nice, man.

Well,

we'll let you go.

Thanks, big dog.

Thanks for coming on.

Good chatting with you.

Yeah.

Anything?

Go ahead.

I feel like I've been hazed.

I've been hazed.

I feel, did I get in?

Yeah.

No, you got to get sexed in, dude.

Yeah.

You got to come through.

Yeah, there's no hazing.

There's no hazing.

You'll figure out.

You'll know when you feel.

Face down, pussy up.

That's right.

Put that boy pussy in the air.

All right, buddy.

Yeah, check out.

Thanks, man.

Check out our guys' fucking YouTube page.

All right, Love.

Guys, books.

Okay.

Nice.

All right.

Back to business.

Charlie Staron,

getting a little disgusting in the world games.

Really?

None of her backgrounds.

No, she was looking good.

She looked all right in that movie with Seth Rhodes.

I saw a recent picture of her, and it made me want to throw.

No, she could still catch it.

Fury Rhode, she was kind of pushing it with the haircut.

She looked really good in that movie, Monster.

She made up for it by having her hand ripped off, which I imagine was in my ass.

Nick loves that.

You know what you clenched out with your sphincter.

That's what they different kind of pinching one off.

That's when you rip a woman's arm off.

That's your fetish.

I would love to see that SVU episode where there's just a woman and she's like running down the street crying and her arms ripped off.

And like Icedy and Olivia are like getting ice cream.

He's like, I love eating ice cream from the store.

And the woman's like,

and they're like,

damn.

And then it turns out there's a guy ripping women's ass.

That would be the perfect crime for you because it's both,

you are gay, but you sort of are interested in women.

And they're no fingerprints.

Just no fingerprints.

I'm just interrogated by them.

They're like, of course I couldn't have done it.

I'm gay.

They look at each other and we go to a commercial break.

Yep.

They're like, yeah, he's not gay.

He just likes putting things in his ass.

And then I saw him.

And then I was like,

by the way, you tested positive for coronavirus.

Yeah, yeah.

We watched another two episodes of SVU today.

Yeah, this is an SVU podcast now.

Although, I don't feel like we talked about the other one at all.

Which other one?

Last week.

I don't think we really talked about it.

We hung out in Jordan our afternoon, then we went back to work.

Then we punched back in.

Back to ours.

But you know, here's what we do need to get back to.

What?

Jason Statham telling the guys to break out of prison.

Was it Jason Statham?

A British guy in the prison?

It was just a British guy.

No.

Wait, telling who to break out of prison?

You weren't there.

You weren't there.

It was a good riff.

We shouldn't even.

Yeah, you know what?

We'll just save it for when we walk

when we both take our motorized wheelchair bike.

First of all,

it's a fucking city bike with an electric boost.

You fucking prick.

Oh, God.

Listen to Sunday's episode.

Listen to Sunday's episode.

There's a big reveal.

There's not a big reveal.

I've been open about it the whole fucking time.

I take a fucking city bike with an electric boost.

It's not the same as taking a fucking electric bike.

You have to pedal for it to work.

You're like Lance Armstrong.

You're lying about it.

I'm a step below Lance Armstrong.

I'll admit that.

You're juicing.

You're blood doping.

That would be cool.

Just had a mental image of stop getting on one of those accordion buses, but on the back part, and then it drives off, and then it's stretching the accordion.

hurry up I'm just in the back like come on

we're not even fucking moving halfway across the city it's just stretching

then the front comes back and they smash it

this bus sucks this bus is fucking gay dude

my dick's fucking small well yeah people getting shadow banned that's uh

that's almost worse than a regular ban dude is it you know and you know the they're they really got it out for people fucking

selling pussy online.

People say they're shadow banned, and then other people are like, no, you're not.

You're just like not getting it.

It's like, for what reason would they not have a shadow ban?

It makes way more sense than banning people.

What is the shadow ban?

You can't aware throttle or yeah, you just throttle or limit their content.

People don't really see it.

It doesn't pop up in a feed.

It doesn't

dude, I fucking posted a joke about how to go to my own.

I said, like, oh, something about go to my OnlyFans.

I don't even remember if I said I don't.

I said, share this if you think I'm hot, and it got no interaction.

Yeah.

Then you got shadow banned.

That's probably what I'm saying.

First of all,

I'm not shadow banned.

I say shit like that all the time, and I get plenty of hits.

Thank you very much.

A lot of people want to suck me off, and you're just going to have to deal with that.

You're a Cinnaban.

Okay.

I'm not Cinnaban.

I'm sorry I shatter your little fucking fat phobic worldview that I get my dick sucked.

I got Cinnabon on Instagram.

I did not get Cinnabon, all right?

I never have claimed that.

But I put a post and I just said OnlyFans of the Thing and it just got immediately taken down on Instagram because it said I was, you know, I don't know.

It's fucked up, dude.

You can't even see it.

Girls like linked to their

own.

I think they got to go around it or they get shadow banned.

Wow.

It's fucked up.

I tried to go on a TikTok speed run and they just started deleting all my videos immediately.

And then they let the band back up.

And then one of them they took down because I'm smoking tobacco in it.

You're not allowed to smoke tobacco.

I'm not allowed to smoke tobacco.

On TikTok?

Can you smoke weed?

No.

Wow.

You can't do shit.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Interesting.

You can just basically show your pussy.

Show your penis.

I feel like you could show your pussy in like exercise shorts or some shit.

Yeah.

Or maybe that's not, maybe that's the Instagram one.

What are those Instagram ones?

Reels?

Yeah.

All the reels I get are women with humongous breasts.

Or they're showing pussy through workout.

That's a new trend.

Women didn't used to really show off their pussies, and they do now.

And you know what?

I am actually a pretty big fan of it.

I like to see nipples.

Really?

That's surprising.

I like that they let that through.

Very interesting.

It's not bad.

Very, very interesting.

Interesting.

You know, it's a type of mentality I didn't even perceptualize before you said that.

Now I'm going to go home and just re-watch Black Men Revealed.

Yeah.

The greatest TV show.

That is such a good show.

Next time we got to watch Black Men Revealed.

Yeah.

That is so awesome.

Yeah, I prefer a woman to be On Naturale.

She's 47.

They're just fully seriously talking about this bull.

Whether they like pussy hair.

They're 50 years old.

And they think it should be a TV show.

TV.

Oh, nice one, dude.

Thanks, man.

Nice little Louis arms or squeaker.

Little trumpet.

Old Satchimo stuff.

All fucking motherfucking Satchmo, dude.

I get no kicks from pussy.

Mere titty balls do not thrill me at all.

I'm gay.

I don't remember how

does it go after the song?

I'm a fucking homo.

You didn't say mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all.

I get a kick out of you.

I get a kick out of

cock.

It's a good song, though.

That's right.

Well, folks,

if you want to check out, if you like Kratom,

we got a new sponsor.

Oh, welcome to the family.

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The print shop is always emailing me right when we have to do these reads.

Fucking cocksuckers.

They're always fucking something up.

Fucking cocksuckers.

Yeah.

Yes, we got this.

So Super Especioso.

It's a new Kratom product.

My phone is charging in the other room.

God damn it.

I got it.

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Send an order.

So Kratom is helpful for chronic pain and anxiety and depression.

Oh, I have all those things.

And we have all that.

I'm constantly in pain.

I'm just going to go to the website and then we're going to look at it.

It's a mild stimulant at lower serving sizes and popularly used as an alternate.

Kratom is very helpful for chronic pain and depression, according to a survey of users by Johns Hopkins.

Whoa, shout out Baltimore and Johns Hopkins.

Hell yeah, dude.

It's also I got waitlisted there.

A mild stimulant at lower serving sizes and popularly used an alternative to coffee.

This company's super organic, so they sell these little capsules and then also the regular bags of the shit if you want to just be an asshole and drink it all day long.

Yeah.

But they sell the little capsules, and you just pop a couple of those.

Okay.

And it is, you take, if you only take a little bit, it is kind of like...

It feels sort of like taking like a Percocet with a cup of coffee,

which is my zone.

That's the best, dude.

Oh, my God.

A little pill.

And I would, personally, I would take one little, very tiny puff of weed and then have a cold brew.

And then...

Due to FDA regulations, we are not legally permitted to state that our kratom supplements can be helpful for the treatment of the diseases, conditions, above.

Okay, so just

legally, it's not.

And if in the future reference,

that part should come first.

They say,

not after the part that I read.

The next part is very funny.

Instead, keep it vague.

Like, 2020 has been a rough year.

Kratom can help.

Or get a boost of energy from Kratom.

Be yourself again.

Be your fucking self again.

Just do this over-the-counter heroin.

Fuck the FDA.

The FDA, fuck my ass.

Fuck them for Waco.

Fuck the ass.

Fuck that FDA.

Fuck them for Dallas Buyers Club.

I should never forget that the FDA wanted Texans to die of AIDS.

That's right.

They wanted gay guys pretending not to to be gay to die of AIDS.

Kratom can't do shit.

It doesn't help anything at all.

But let's put it this way.

If you've already done Kratom and you like it for whatever reason, you should check out

the Super Organics.

Super Especioso.

Super Organics.

S-U-P-E-R-O-G-X.com.

And

wow, they insulted our

listeners in this email.

No, he was responding to me, insulting them.

And then, oh, okay.

Yeah, I said they're retards, so I don't know if all of this

information, this scientific information.

This is too much charts and shit.

Can we tell them it's drugs?

Some of this info may not matter to your listeners.

Parentheses, retards.

Yeah.

No, that was Nick.

So kratom is a

their kratom supplements contain only one ingredient kratom leaves crushed into powder.

That's pure pouré.

They do not they don't step on the fucking

caravoo, Bolivia.

Uncut raw, baby.

We do not adulterate, concentrate, or enhance our product in any way.

It's only natural kratom.

You hear that, motherfuckers?

What separates us from

competitors is that most kratom brands are manufactured in really poor conditions.

Sometimes these are home-based businesses selling products out of their garage.

No exaggeration.

It's quite common.

Most kratom on the market has potentially unsafe.

The competitors are bullshit.

Super Orgasmics is the shit you have.

Good shit.

And in fact, you got to be careful with.

Apparently, like Spirulina will fuck you up.

Spirulina?

Yeah, it's not even worth taking the shit.

Really?

Yeah, because a lot of the times it's just like...

It's that green stuff that makes everything taste like grass.

Yeah.

But it's like sweet too.

It sucks.

Well, it's bad for you.

It has to.

Yeah.

I don't fuck with that shit.

They say it's a super food.

Yeah, it can super duper desuck my dick.

Yeah, so I guess I legally have to retract my statement about the Kratom pill taking like a Percocet glue.

Yes,

we're not making any promises.

We can't say any of that.

It is a herbal supplement.

We'll say it's good shit and we like it.

It's a herbal suppulant

that is not a treatment for anything other than fucking being bored as shit.

Yeah.

Like anything else worth doing now in life.

Just pop the fucking kratom and stop asking so many fucking questions, you fucking pigs.

Things like salmonella, E.

coli, and mold are common.

Oh, in other projects.

In other words, not with our guys.

No, bro.

Don't read this part.

Guaranteed to kill you.

Dude.

Whoops.

Dude.

Dude.

They pasteurize their kratom and then test it rigorously to protect their customers.

Nice, dude.

Like the police are supposed to.

That's right.

But then they've decided to go against

the real fucking heroes, not the fucking cops.

This is cool.

They meet the American Kratom Association standards for quality.

Who the fuck runs that organization?

I don't know.

It's a guy named Charlie.

Some guy named Charlie that's living in one of those Toyota truck campers from the 80s.

Now, this is good Kratom, brother.

Brother, let me tell you something.

I used to be addicted to fucking battery acid.

And I decided to get off.

Kratom was the only thing that helped me quit.

And I just want to make sure everybody's getting that good shit.

And now I spend all day certifying Kratom and throwing ninja stars at my bedroom wall.

They're passionate about what they do, and they view Kratom as something that can one day help just as many people as cannabis does.

Someday, brother, we'll get there.

Yeah, the stories we hear from our customers are absolutely incredible.

People are able to ditch their prescriptions with Kratom and lead a healthier, more productive life.

I do know, I don't know if I can read this part, or should I say it, but I do know people that like fucking did have opiate problems, which a lot of people do now since the Democrats destroyed the economy on purpose to make Trump look bad.

Yeah, that's true.

That's true.

Don't and that's what the guy from Zero Books says, not us.

But, like, methadone and suboxan are both like fucking poisons.

Yeah, dude.

And they put you on that shit, and then you can't ever get off it.

But I guess this shit is, like, like, can help with that.

Again, I don't know.

Again, legally?

I have no idea.

This is way worse than the CBD shit because it's like, in terms of understanding the legality of it.

Right.

CBD is just Odweeds.

To be honest with you, I have no fucking idea.

This is Odueroin.

No, it's something else.

It's a good-ass supplement.

And

you're going to want to get it at superorganics.com.

That's super, what is it?

OGX?

SuperOGX.com.

SuperOGX.com.

That's cool.

Promo code.

No, so you want to go to superspeciosa.com.

Oh, my mistake.

Super speciosa.

Superogx.com, I think, is just the guy's email.

Okay.

Supervance is the cometown.

Oh, that makes a lot of sense.

And it's superspeciosa.com/slash come town.

Look, that may seem shady that there's three different names, but consider that our other sponsor today is on a Swedish shadow company domain.

That's an offshore.

That's right.

This is us moving up in the world in terms of legitimacy.

Yeah, where some guy named Hans LaForce set them up.

All of their money is in fucking ingots

that they take in off their offshore legal betting operation.

So go to that superespeciosa.com slash dumptown for 20% off.

They put the mob out of business.

Yeah.

That was the last thing the mob had left was like fucking was was

sports betting.

You go to a massbooth and hang out and fucking those guys are bringing so much goddamn money off sports betting.

The mafia or yeah, their last bus was like 15 years ago and they brought in like $12 million in bets in a year.

That's beautiful.

Yeah.

And like, but that's yeah, now it's all now, it's all like offshore, now it's all computers, and no one breaks your fucking legs, you just go bankrupt.

Superspeciosa.com/slash come town.

That's C-U-N-T-O-W-N.

And he says, I will give you a coupon code for 20% off, and we can promote that if you give a link.

And that's the link.

That's the fucking link.

So the promo code is either Cometown or Cometown20.

How do you spell especiosa?

Especiosa is the traditional Spanish spelling.

Esse epucho.

That's really helpful.

Dot como chicho.

No, it's S-U-P-E-R-S-P-E-C-I-O-S-A dot com slash cometown.

Go do that shit, boy.

Yeah, I ain't never taken that shit, but I'm about to, just so I can be a a more

bunch at my apartment.

Oh, you just want to be a more fucking

educated spokesman.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Spokesman of the whole damn thing.

It was good, too, if you're like trying to,

you know, like if you're starting a diet or whatever.

It's like, you know, you don't want to you're like bored and you don't want to eat and you just pop one of those chills and stuff.

I've gone back to cigarettes.

I've gone back to smoking cigarettes.

That's a good idea.

You know what I literally haven't started actually doing that I have not in years.

You should honestly think you can get fucking Marlboro as a sponsor.

That would be so cool.

That would be awesome, dude.

I think that would be so cool.

If we're just advertising

cigarettes.

Cigarettes.

Cigarettes, bro.

Fuck yeah.

Look, smoking makes you feel fucking smoking.

It's cool.

I think they're not allowed to advertise.

On podcasts?

Maybe.

I don't know.

It's the wild fucking West over here, man.

They just have buildings.

They're not allowed to advertise, and we're doing offshore

ones.

I know, I know, yeah.

We're doing au duise.

I just said the thing that put the mob out of business.

No, I think

they used to have billboards and stuff and like magazine ads.

And

Congress made that.

First of all, when was the last time you read a magazine?

He reads Gay Guy Weekly every week.

I read Gay Guy Weekly and The Economist every week.

Very Adam on the cover of Gay Guy Weekly on all his shoes.

He's wearing low-top shots.

So big.

Yeah.

Her clown shoes.

I look fucking stupid.

When I was a little girl, I fell out of my cradle and my mom said, What do you want?

And I said, Huh?

Tupac.

Has Joe fucking said anything yet?

About what?

Just about anything, honestly.

Yeah.

Yeah, he made a speech against.

Yeah, what happened at the Canada was

crazy.

We got everybody out there looking like they're trying to go try to hang out at the fair.

I don't even, I know I'm going to say, go ahead, say it.

I know you want to.

I'm not saying it.

Say it.

No.

Rare droid.

I didn't say shit.

That was you.

No, it was not me.

It's better this way.

It haunts you.

No, it doesn't.

It's around the corner.

You're constantly worried about it.

Yeah, it's the bogeyman for your bitch ass.

You're thinking about ice cream.

That's what's happening.

I'm thinking about ice cream, so what?

That doesn't bother me at all.

I'm not thinking about it.

Me saying that word does bother you.

Stops being stalked by an ice cream.

That's not stalking.

That would be a fucking convenience for me.

I can have ice cream whenever the fuck I want.

It's funny that they're called convenience stores.

Yeah.

You know, what's convenient about them?

Just that they're stored.

They got good stuff.

They got all the stuff to say.

Yeah, I guess that is pretty convenient.

It's convenient.

Yeah, now that I think about it.

What's the fucking deal with convenience on?

Why the hell do they call it a gas

Because of what?

Just because they got gas?

You got gas there?

Most of the shit there is fucking.

Shit, it could be called a chip station.

Call it the fucking chips there.

If you want gas, there it is, you fucking asshole.

How about that?

How about that?

eBay?

What's the e-stand for?

Electric?

And the bay part is what, is that like a port or something?

It's pretty good.

I think it's gas.

They should should call it fucking gay.

They should call it the gay website.

Wow, Cherry.

I want pussy.

I got my new hour coming.

We're all locked in.

Everybody's talking about work from home.

How about home from work?

That's what you really are.

They got it backwards.

Back home from work.

You know, work from home.

Work is a place.

Maybe work at home, but from

I'm worth $800 million.

I have a billion dollars.

My new girlfriend is seven.

It would be funny if like Leonardo DiCaprio was dating a four-year-old with double D's.

She's got an old soul.

She's got an old soul.

That was a line from one of the old USB moments today.

And then every fat woman on Twitter being like, I would never fuck him.

He's done.

Why are they so mad he fucks young women?

Because everybody, the whole world is just people that are upset that they don't have a thing that they probably didn't even really want in the first place.

Right.

Fucking true.

You know?

So that's me.

I'm pissed off about not having PS5.

Yeah, me too, actually.

I'll never even turn the PS4 on anymore.

Wow, that's cogent.

Yeah.

Because I am also pissed, but I do play PS4 sometimes.

I play NBA 2K.

Yeah, and that came out, what, 400 years ago?

I got a new game on PS4 I've been playing, which is a Jeopardy game, but you play with real episodes.

So

you get to answer.

You should have your PS4 taken away from you.

That's the gayest thing I've ever played.

Yeah, you're playing the gay games.

This is what you play trivia on a fucking PS4.

Well,

people are hanging out.

You get the boys over, play a little Jeopardy.

No, I don't know.

It's pretty fun.

Wait, wait, so is it multiple choice?

No, it's Jeopardy.

You watch real episodes of Jeopardy,

and before the contestants answer,

you and other people get to buzz in.

And then on your phones, everyone is.

I've got a show called Who Wants to Come, and Regis is like, Yeah, that's pretty good.

Your penis, my mouth, let's go.

30 seconds.

Dum, dun, dun dun.

He's jacking them off.

Dun dun dun.

Regis is just shouting things out.

They're like, come to things.

A woman bending over in the middle of the store.

She's trying to pick up a quarter.

She's jacking them off.

Nick is doing a ferocious jack-off motion as Regis.

You guys are listening.

It's not working for me.

I'm sorry, Regis.

Play with my tits.

You only have 15 seconds to come.

Suck my nibbles, Regis, please.

The woman's bending over, and you can see how wet her pussy is.

It's so hot, there's a Yankee candle display next to it, and it's melting.

The heat coming off her pussy is melting the candle, and now she's slipped on it.

Photo friend, photo friend.

The titties have come out, and now there's wax drying on her titties.

It looks like, come, she's got a big pair.

Your time is out.

You slip also.

Your cock goes into our mouth.

It's in there.

Come on, bus.

Come on.

Everybody wants you to do it, Derek.

They're watching you back in Toledo.

They want to see see you come.

They want to see you come all over Regis' face.

Fill me up.

Philip Philbin, let's get it done.

Let's get you off.

Oh, and he can't do it.

He's got stage fight.

Get the hell out of here, Patrick.

Who's going to play next?

Let's go to the audience.

It would be tough to be in the hot seat.

You know why they're calling?

I sat there and I warmed it up for you.

so is this just a one-round game somebody it's a one-round game

and you have Regis has 30 seconds how much money now we're playing who wants to come

and what do you win our next guest because who wants to be a millionaire she's a win the millionaire she's a fifth grade social studies teacher and a fat pig

from shaker heights we've got Arlene Arlene thanks for coming

I'll go ahead and just start rubbing you here just to get you warmed up

thanks

Let's get the clock going 30 seconds.

Your husband's late to work.

There's a knock on the door.

It's a black policeman.

He kicks the door down.

You're saying, what's this all about?

He takes his baton, he puts it against your neck.

You're up against the wall.

He rips the basketball shorts off that you've been wearing as panties all weekend.

They smell like an entire retarded gym class.

He doesn't care he's excited by it he's excited by it

his savage penis is hard straight from the jungle right up into you

oh my god she's come ladies and gentlemen she's come she did it she's our winner for the day congratulations you fucking big bitch the prizes just coming

you don't get any money you don't get any money i keep all the money you just get it

You just get a hand job from Regis Philadelphia.

That's worth the price of admission.

That's not bad.

I would have honestly...

Stay tuned for when Ben Stein's come coming up after this.

Honestly, I would have gotten jacked off by Regis.

That would have been a funny story.

Welcome to the show.

All of our painters.

No one's canceling headphones, and you can suck me off.

Wasn't Ben Stein like a Nixon speech?

Speechwriter, yeah.

That's fucked dude.

I felt betrayed.

Kimmel was his sidekick, remember?

I remember that show.

Kimmel was making

a lot of Comedy Central books back then.

Kimmel has got the man

in a lot of pots.

Yeah.

A lot of pussies.

Las Vegas legend.

Is that so?

It's me, Kimmel.

Stop, stop.

And the killers.

The killers.

Kimmel, the killer.

And Panic at the disco and me.

Nope.

You got Green.

It's me.

Greg Maddox from the Atlanta Braves.

Steve Shirippa lived there for years.

We know if we listen to him.

We loved having him.

Great podcast.

How about Mechanic at the disco?

Okay.

It's like, what the hell is this?

A bunch of homos?

What is this?

A bunch of fucking queer guys or something?

Why are the pants so tight?

What is it?

Like, fuck it.

It's 2004.

Everybody's wearing girls' pants.

Hey, it's me.

The fucking mechanic at the disco.

I I had a rivalry in high school.

It was a one-way rivalry.

Oh, yeah, we've heard about it.

And then his band got big.

We don't fucking care, dude.

I hate it.

Oh, yeah.

Woo!

Fuck, I forgot about him.

That was a motherfucker boon, my fucking book.

Brandon Urey.

I don't ruin it, dude.

Don't ruin it.

Brandon Urey, if you're listening to this,

edit that out.

If you're listening to this, Brandon Urey, I haven't forgotten.

And I will use all the power that I amass in my life to take you down.

Oh, fuck, do not.

You know how my brain works.

Oh, yeah.

No, I can't.

Yeah, don't ruin the big joke from Sunday's episode.

Oh, shit.

Was this panic?

Panic at the discard.

Damn.

Haven't you people ever heard of?

I can't wait to solve a penis.

Damn.

I just want to dance with my wife at our 40th winning anniversary to that song.

And you know that my dick is small

and so

my boss

is small

Michael, we've got another hit.

Oh god, he's so good.

It should be illegal for a white man to have a voice that good.

You should go to jail if you don't like Michael McDonald's.

Yeah, brother.

He was at the Capitol.

He was.

He was the first one in.

Hey, I was wondering if you could tell me where Nancy Pelosi's office is.

I'm trying to take a shit in there.

I'm going to try and shit in her pussy.

Well, I am a dumb bitch.

Oh, fuck.

Me and Michael McDonald, we broke in there and he was taking a shit

in her ficus while I put my feet up on her desk.

That guy was so cool.

She had a letter.

I didn't know how to read it, but I was left to court her, even though that bitch ain't worth it.

Did you hear the part of that interview where he's like, he's like, I put my flag down.

I sat down in Nancy's chair.

He's like, I want my fucking flag back because he forgot his flag in Nancy Pelosi's office.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's memorable.

I want my fucking flag back.

Yeah, he's from Northwest Arkansas, apparently.

That gentleman.

How the fuck did all these guys?

He looks a lot like Brett Favre, like on the Jets.

Remember when he was kind of brave?

Breed Arf or Beat Arf.

Bret

Arf.

Favrea.

Beat Arf.

Beat Arf.

Yep.

It was cool that he was

sending dig pics.

They're impeaching Trump.

How dare they?

What, for caring too much

for his country?

For trying to save.

One Trump supporter talks about why he stormed the U.S.

Capitol.

Doug Sweet.

Oh, we just talked to him.

Doug Sweet.

That would have been so awesome if you snuck in a fucking guy that was in the

Capitol.

That would have been awesome.

Suck me through the penis.

Do you remember there was a singer Keith Sweet?

He said he felt

God's hand on his back pushing him forward.

Oh, God.

I checked with the Lord, he says.

I checked with him three times.

I never heard a no.

Hell yeah, dude.

That's my justification.

This is rape defense, too.

But look, I asked God three times.

Well, sweetie, no offense, but I asked God, should I stop drinking?

And he never, I didn't hear a word.

I didn't hear no.

Sorry, I ruined

fucking bring your dad to school day.

I'm fucking gay.

Yeah, I'm not going to open a court case saying that Mrs.

Clinton eats children, Mr.

Sweet says, but I can believe that she might eat children.

Hero.

Honestly, I don't know if you want to call them patriots or not, but everyone involved is a kind of hero.

And we'll have the full rundown on Sunday.

We recorded that.

A real human being.

Real human being.

And my dick can get hot.

I am fucking gay.

Dude, I want to watch you drive again.

Yeah.

You know that song?

Yeah.

I thought imagine my dick in your ass.

Imagine getting

fucking your ass.

Imagine that my dick is very small.

Yeah, hell yeah.

And you've all seen how small my dick is.

And so

are my balls.

My balls are small.

This ain't living.

Have a dick so small.

Makes me want to kill myself.

Yes.

You know, Michael McDonald's got a big nice fat cock for sure.

Absolutely.

I would be honestly pissed off if his dick was small.

My dick is big, just kidding.

It's really big, just kidding.

It's fucking huge, sigh.

And you know, my dick is wide.

on second thought.

I was joking

them.

What song is that?

I gotta try.

Yeah, I got a child's penis.

I got a child.

I got a child's pen.

I have a child's penis.

Yes, yes,

that's right.

That'll never stop being funny to me, friend.

Never, my friend.

I'll tell you what,

imagine trying to make friends with this sense of humor.

Like,

in public, brutal stuff.

At a bar, everyone's got to be grandfathered in, bro.

If you

don't have this,

you know, you've been talking to them for five minutes.

You're like, yeah, no, I'm just passing through town.

Yeah, you got to be like,

you know, Michael McDonald.

I know this isn't even close to a good impression.

Imagine if all of his songs are about his dick being small.

Charles Penis.

I have a Chelsea Penis.

My dick is fucking way too small.

My dick is small.

The only way you can make friends with that sense of humor is like gay guys in the 1950s.

You have to give the other guy a knowing wing.

That sounds like something you would know about.

Yeah, you'd know a lot about that.

It's when there was honor in

that AMC show, Gay Man.

Yeah.

It's when it's when.

Well, Adam was offered the opportunity to travel back in time, and rather than kill Hitler, he chose to go have gay sex in the 50s.

It was a real big mistake on my part.

I called it a boo-boo or a bone or something with Don Draper in a restaurant, and the black waiter comes by.

He's like, Let me ask you something.

What cigarettes do you smoke?

I was like, Well, I smoke Lucky Strike.

And he goes,

You don't have any gay, do you?

I was wondering if uh, you wanted to come back to my place, maybe have gay sex,

damn, R.I.P.

Sal, the gay guy from Mad Men, who Don caught being gay because of a fire alarm, I think.

And he got him fired, got him fired, yeah, and then he was a hobo.

Really, that's what happened?

I think so.

I never watched.

No, I thought he was just I watched for a couple seasons,

and you never see them.

Yeah, you don't see basic cable.

Shut the fuck up, Adam.

It's AMC.

They could show a tit once, maybe.

No, you got to go on the HPL for a while.

Well, they didn't even show her like in a see-through.

Maybe she's in the bath with a white shirt on or something or a nightie.

No.

Maybe they did, actually.

Maybe she's, or maybe I just jacked off to that image in my mind.

I can't wait to beat off.

We're going to get home.

He can't wait.

He's chomping at the dry riding the train.

Just so cannot wait to beat off.

When I'm on the train home from work,

all I wanna do is just

pull out my car

and beat off.

Yeah, hell yeah.

But I have to wait.

You gotta wait to beat

your penis.

Beat your penis off.

Just fucking

just fucking like 50-year-old black women listening to that in the office, being like, He has, he's got such a nice voice.

Oh, I love him.

I just love him.

Beat your penis off.

Just blast

on their little office radio.

I wait again, Maldigon.

Oh, yeah.

I need to get Maldigon

when I'm home.

This is a great song.

Dude, this song is amazing.

This whole fucking album is amazing.

It's good shit.

Yeah.

All right.

What happened to good music, right, guys?

Okay.

You have to piss?

I've been holding it for a while.

Why don't you go in between

professional, dude?

I'll wait till the end.

Nice.

All right.

Thanks.

All right, folks.

Nice.

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