Ep. 241 – la la la

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Oh, yeah.

Turn me up.

Hell yeah, ladies and gentlemen.

My dick is small, and I can't get I can't get it hard.

I'm not gonna be able to do it.

Time to come town 2021.

The official Kylie Mino podcast.

You're not allowed to sue us because you're Australian.

That's right, Beach.

A woman.

Yep, no rights over there.

We've got a new law that says Sheila's

you can't do a lawsuit because you're a can't.

Cause you're a fucking cant, because you're a cunt.

Woo!

Damn, dude.

Can I say something?

Fucking can.

Kylie Mineau absolutely could get it.

She could get it, yeah.

I definitely beat off to her.

More so when she was older.

When I was 12, I beat off to her.

You say more so when she was older.

I say

the same so in a different fashion.

She's aged.

She's aged well.

She's like fine wine.

She's like, Joanne's boomerangs.

She is.

Joanne's didgeridoo.

I know what you're saying.

Just getting your dick sucked through a didgeridoo.

Wow.

That's probably the funniest hate crime.

They're all funny, but the funniest one is sticking your dick in the end of a didgerido.

Is that a hate crime?

While an aboriginal is trying to play it, get closer.

Well, hold on.

Wow, wow, wow.

And then you just put your cock in there.

Is that right?

I guess that's some kind of assault.

Putting your cock in an instrument somebody's playing.

Yeah.

Because that's not, you're not.

Like, if I put, how long does the instrument have to be where it's not sexual assault?

Next time we go to Australia, we should find a guy playing a didgier-doo and be like, oh, what is this?

You're like, oh, it's a didgier-do, right?

And you're like, oh, with an N?

You're like, no.

I'm like, all right, cool.

All right.

Fly back.

Well, that doesn't.

That was the bit.

That was a $15,000 bit.

But it was worth every fucking penny.

Absolutely.

Oh, yeah.

Let's get it back.

Can't get my penis hard.

It hurts when I think about what you're doing.

I should control this.

I should do the levels on the phone.

I love it.

We got a cord.

We got a cord that puts.

Oh, fuck.

I just got it.

Yeah, I just got a charlot horse.

You need Adam to massage you?

Oh, I'll give you a little rub.

Dude, nice.

I'm the rub guy.

You can't rub for shit, Adam.

No, Stav gives incredible massage.

I have beautiful hands.

Any of the 12 girls listening, Stav stop giving somebody.

I have beautiful hands and they're just as good on a shoulder as they are in a pussy or around a titty.

It's true.

You know, it's crazy that strong.

Gifted hands, actually, I actually sued Ben Carson because gifted hands is

your thing.

That's my thing.

I told you, I thought that the name of his book was.

I was trying to remember it, and what popped into my head was If These Hands Could E Pussy.

Yeah, that's right.

It was just beautiful.

Which is really good.

It's crazy that he died from coronavirus.

Yeah, dude, alright.

I miss him, dude.

I miss his pizza.

Pizza, yeah.

It's so good.

Dude, his wife is a piece of ass.

We haven't done this in so long that I'm like worried that this is just not recording anything.

It looks like it is, but we should.

I think it is.

Everything lights are on, but it's.

Here's what we should do.

We'll just record the audio on my phone and release the shittiest audio of all time.

We should do it.

Just a notes app.

We finally switched podcasts, so I'd like to say thank you to Shout Engine for years of

our side and never charged us for bandwidth, and then we had to switch just because I guess we need better stats.

I've forget why we did it.

Well, I think it kept on crashing.

Got the first bill from the new host, fucking $1,100.

Nice.

Yeah.

I love it.

I mean, we're going to have to switch to phone audio.

Yeah, let's get that notice out going.

Dude, yeah, it feels like it's

no way they pay that much, like anywhere close to, it's got to be like fucking 10,000% more.

We should get littler audio files.

Yeah.

Well, that was the other thing.

Shout engine, like, compressed all your shit.

Like, they would do it 40.

Yeah, it was like 30 megs or something.

Yeah.

And I think it's cool.

How does audio?

If I hadn't.

Is it like a reverse of a hard cop?

If I haven't learned at this point.

The thing, audio engineering is kind of like cooking.

And to be good at it, you have to be like kind of

a homo, sort of.

Yeah, I wouldn't say that.

You got Abby Flay gets a lot of pussy.

Yeah.

Well, he fucked January Jones to prove.

He fucked Ari's wife from Entourage.

Yeah.

Who's Ari's wife?

She wasn't given a name in the show.

She was called Mrs.

Ari.

Seriously.

But who was the character?

Who was the actress?

She's hot.

Let me just check.

She's a hotter, older

actress later.

I'm feeling a little January Jones right now.

Yeah, that's right.

Welcome to 2021.

2021, I'm ready to start doing doing drugs.

Really?

Well, I did a lot of drugs in this movie.

I accidentally became addicted to Kratom for like three weeks.

Yeah, Nick was texting me when he died

in withdrawals.

Melissa Gold, she does have a name, you liar.

They gave her a name, I think, in the Entourage movie.

I think for seven seasons, she just.

She's built kind of her body's way better than her face.

Yeah, she's got, yeah, she's got a tight body.

But, you know, her face has a nice little charm to it as well.

Who's Meg the Stallion?

Oh, she's so hot.

She's fat as shit.

Yeah, she's not fat.

She's a family guy.

I don't know who she is.

She's hot as shit.

She's got big ass teeth.

She's a big ass.

She's a rapper.

She's a good rapper, too.

But she's fat as shit.

No, she's not fat.

She's got big teeth.

She's not like another Lizzo.

Did you see Lizzo?

Lizzo fucking.

Not even close.

Lizzo mentioned that she was going on a diet and all these fat women were losing their minds on Twitter.

I was one of them.

They're like,

she betrayed us.

Yeah.

She betrayed the community.

This is violence.

It's violence against me personally.

How dare you.

Wow, I can't believe how many people are sharing this fucking body negative notion.

It is pretty funny.

It is pretty funny.

That's why I don't keep my

you guys, you can say it, but I have lost 400.

I've lost 150 pounds.

I've lost 150 pounds.

I had the surgery.

I ruined the surprise.

And that's why I keep it secret because

imagine the beautiful little fat boys that would be crying into their pillows if they knew they lost their their biggest hero and inspiration.

Yeah, so if you have a fat son who's listening your skin looks better than it normally does.

Thank you.

I actually have been.

I was the 20,000-step bastard in December.

I took 20,000 steps every day.

It's like nine miles.

And yeah, I've been eating fish.

I've been a lot of fish.

Yeah, I really fucking destroyed myself.

You look good.

December.

No, you look fine.

No, you look fine.

No, I am in pain.

I don't know how you feel, but you look good.

Your body looks nice.

Something happens.

The arms are looking jacked.

This part of my knees sort of hurt, whatever this bone.

Oh, that fucks me up all the time.

This shit started hurting, so

I started limping.

Hell yeah.

I'm putting more weight on this leg, and now this knee's fucked up.

So now I just look like a pirate.

You should get fucking knee braces.

I just have like rickets.

Yeah.

Dude, speaking of, did you see the fucking

Tom Segura video?

Dude, that guy got his shit fucked up.

It's brutal.

It's insane.

It's brutal.

his arm snaps no it's before it's even his arm he goes to like dunk and then his he just breaks his knee approaching the hoop yeah so his knee just gives out and then as he falls to the ground he snaps his arm like snaps bro his his arm is the wrong way completely

and his body just disintegrates

he's in a little yeah he's in a fucking not even from trying to dunk because it would if you realize it it falls apart when he's considering that dunking is an option it's the first time time he was body was going to even sort of explode at all.

The first instance of building towards explosion for a dunk.

And it all happened on like a live stream.

Yeah.

It's insane.

Pick up basketball games have killed more comedians than COVID.

Yeah, but this happened to Tom Segura.

This wasn't like a video he really posted.

It happened.

And that's the irony.

It's that like he's become the guy that posts fucked up videos.

Yeah.

And it's like he became one himself.

Oh my gosh.

It's actually poetic, although I feel sorry for the guy.

Yeah.

Poor guy.

He got fucked up, bro.

I mean,

it's brutal to watch it.

Brutal.

In a way that doesn't even make me feel like

nothing happened to me.

Because it's just like seeing somebody dribble a ball twice and then just

fall apart.

I'm not even joking.

I will not play basketball until I lose 70 pounds.

That's the next time I'm playing basketball.

But I love it.

It sucks.

But yeah.

Shouts out to Tom Segura.

Prayers up for Tom Segura.

I think he's fine.

No, he's fine.

But they literally had to fucking.

Is he in a body cast?

Bro, they literally, he showed his x-rays.

Like, he posted this shit.

Like, it was a part.

It looked fake.

It looked like a cartoon.

Like, it snapped.

And they had to put nail, like, fucking eight nails in his fucking arm to get his shit.

Like...

It's crazy how much.

Like, I did not even know an arm could snap that much from that kind of injury.

I was laughing about like a trans person getting their surgery and then they have a caster on their penis, and all their friends are signing the cast.

That's funny.

Have a great summer.

Have a great summer.

Can't wait.

Can't wait to see this thing in action.

Yeah, you're going to have such a nice penis.

You're going to have such a cool penis.

In fifth grade.

That's what's going to happen, dude, once they start giving the kids the surgery.

Uh-huh.

That's what Biden's proposing.

We're going to get the kids.

I'm even further away than I want to be.

The kids are going to, they got a damn, they got cock surgery.

This is awesome because I don't remember anything from any of the episodes.

I don't even.

They're probably going to be so pissed.

I also don't remember exactly what Biden even, like, I don't care.

He hasn't talked in a month.

He hasn't.

He hasn't done anything.

He hasn't said shit about fucking $2,000.

The only thing he said is, like,

the situation on the border, you're going to need to

buck your britches, Charlie.

Exactly.

The only thing you can do.

You're going to need to slow your cookies.

He said, Charlie, he thinks the Vietnamese are cookies.

I don't know what he's saying.

There was some reporter that's like, the stories about your son, do you still think that's Russian disinformation?

He's like,

come on, man.

You're just nothing but a, you're a two-time, you're a two-time Jolly Sunday over here.

You got a

one-horse Davy.

Yeah.

He called somebody a one-horse pony.

That's awesome, dude.

It is going to be hilarious how fucking horrible he's going to be a president.

Things are going to make so much worse.

And I don't know, this is probably just projection, but like in my own head, it's like, you know, better than to know that like

the election and then the change of the year isn't suddenly going to make anything let up.

Yeah.

But no matter what, like, at least internally, on like an emotional level, you still like, there's still some idea of like, no, it'll be a new year.

It's going to be great.

Yeah.

And then as soon as like,

yeah, Biden's like, we're going to keep those kids in the cages.

We're going to, we're going to, we're hiring.

I don't even say that.

I don't even mean politically.

I mean, I just like fucking everything.

It's like.

No, the whole world.

I know.

Nothing's going to change.

No one's getting any fucking.

It's only getting savage.

It's only getting worse.

More businesses are going to close.

They're not going to give people enough fucking money to survive.

I'm going to day trade my way out of it.

Oh, yeah.

You move for Wall Street?

That's been my month, guys.

I want to be a fucking real estate mogul.

I've decided.

I think it's not a bad idea.

I'm going to buy every house in Greektown.

I was looking at real estate in New York and it's not getting any cheaper.

Despite what I would have seen.

Because it's all going to be bought up by fucking like Chinese food.

You know, though.

Those guys.

Yeah.

It's going to be the people that get Chinese food on Christmas and the people that sell it on Christmas.

That's who gets all the fucking houses.

And everything's going to be Chinese food restaurants.

That wouldn't be bad.

It wouldn't be bad.

That's a consolation prize.

It's going to be a golden age.

The golden dragon happy tower.

Every huge, fucked up.

You know what I miss?

Chinese buffet.

Dude, I was just thinking about this the other day.

I was thinking about because I don't really give a shit about Chinese food, but like going to Chinese buffet as an adult, that's like that's Dave and Buster's for you.

Hey, dude, getting higher than giraffe pussy and going to fucking just the shittiest Chinese buffet, something that costs you $9 to get in, and just

seeing a fucking, getting so many chicken tenders and chicken wings and all mains.

When all this opens up, I'm going to open a Chinese buffet place, but like as you eat, tickets come out of the table.

That's awesome.

So the more you eat, there's a scale on the table that weighs how much your food is.

And as the food comes off, you get more tickets.

It's like a Chucky Cheers.

You got to exchange your tickets for gezos?

Yeah, you get heartburn medicine, you get diabetic socks,

vampire teeth, but also real replacement teeth.

Yeah, dude, all I want is to be crushing my fifth plate while watching a Hispanic family eating crab legs.

Remember that?

You know the basketball game?

But it had like the Rocky music.

Yeah, yeah.

Unlicensed.

It had a fake

rocky music.

If I had a basement, I'd put one of those, the Super Shot, but the boot that goes back would rock.

I would want one of those in an NBA Jams

console or a Simpsons console.

Like a cabinet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cabinet.

That would be cool.

I got half a mind to buy a fucking

cabin.

We used to go to Pinballs in Austin.

I remember going there with someone who will not be named on the show or ever given a shout out again, other than to call him a piece of shit.

I'm going to give him a shout out.

But years ago, many years ago,

before

I like to imagine I'm Obi-Wan and he's a Jedi that never got good at the Force at all.

He wasn't even good enough for the dark side.

Instead of admitting that it was was a lack of talent, he decided to rebrand himself as a public intellectual

instead of a Jedi.

But back when we were friends,

we would go to like pinballs and I remember there was one night we just like stored a bunch of beer in like the fucking like the newspaper thing outside

the family and then we would just go, you know, like go outside and drink beers out of the newspaper thing.

That is such a ricky thing to do.

Yeah, that's so trailer park, boys.

Yeah.

And then just go because you couldn't have beer because it was literally a children's establishment.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I remember like bitching about there being children there.

And then he was like, that's like the most Austin statement.

You're going to fucking pinball arcade and bitch about families being there when you're trying to get trashed.

You're trying to break the rules and get drunk in the parking lot next to the,

you know, whatever.

Yeah, get trashed, play the Sopranos pinball game.

Ah, hell.

God damn, dear.

RIP to the creek and the cave.

That's true.

That is kind of gay.

I heard Rebecca started doing OnlyFans toward the end, and they changed the name to A Peak at My Cave.

Really,

in the basement.

In the basement.

Yeah.

She would just show her pussy to her.

She would show her pussy.

She would sit on the open mic stage and show her pussy to a camera set up on the far end of the room.

She would go on OnlyFans and you'd be looking at a woman 35 feet away.

Right.

Just opening her pussy.

That's awesome.

There could probably be an open mic of OnlyFans.

There's enough people, like open micers, that do OnlyFans that you could probably.

Is that a thing, though?

Everyone does OnlyFans.

Everyone's got their titties out for money.

Wow.

Which respect.

I wonder if I could have one.

If gay men would pay to see my balls and how much.

You probably could.

I heard celebs are going into it now and not like showing dick.

Yeah, Cardi B has one and like.

Michael B.

Jordan's getting one.

Really?

Yeah.

To show the.

But not showing the penis.

So what's he showing?

I'm trying to see Creed's dick.

I want to see his cock.

It's so funny that we've landed on a world where everyone's convinced that not only should you, but it's also good to whore yourself out on the internet.

I know.

That you should just be like a fucking bottom-dollar prostitute.

It's a new way to connect with your fans.

That's like normal.

Yeah.

I know exactly.

I was thinking about this because it's like, I mean,

like, I don't give a, do whatever you fucking want.

Well, you don't have to be a prostitute, I guess.

You just get to show nudes.

Yeah, you sell your nudes in a, in a, uh, you know, special.

I mean, that's clearly, if that's not a sign that society is crumbling, I don't know what is.

Yeah.

It's just like,

you literally have to fucking.

I mean, we have one of the, that's, us and them are the last two jobs in America.

100%.

And what they do is so much more valuable to society.

It's true.

I mean, it is pretty humiliating.

I guess some people are.

To do something because it was a hobby five years ago.

Literally, the only reason it started is so that when we did Stand Up, you could kind of stream together

like a consistent audience.

100%.

You were just like, that'll be fun.

It'll help our members to reach new fans.

And then, I mean, I guess I got writing work, and so Stand Up fell by the wayside, anyways.

But like, now Stand Up doesn't even exist.

I know.

I think now it's just now it's just this thing, which is even further removed from from being any kind of creative output than stand-up is even, which was already pretty fucking lazy.

100%.

It's the easiest one.

Because even if you didn't feel like writing, you just get on stage and be funny.

Exactly.

So I did it.

I didn't work at all for the last few weeks, but

I fucking called somebody.

I went to work.

Yeah, yeah.

I clocked in and clocked in.

And then you think of one, like, one new joke, and you had your like, I did it.

And it's like

25 seconds you did it 25 seconds of work and then you're like you're like yeah i got some new stuff and you're just working on that bit for four weeks and this is like i don't even remember i don't remember this show happening what do you mean i don't remember doing i don't remember no oh yeah any anything i've ever said on this show no this is complete bullshit it's crazy that this is what has made our lives so easy this is what this is like

we just have never

it was really funny when jake did the show, Jake Head, and he was like, damn.

I mean, I didn't think you guys had a fucking

script.

We're like, yeah, man, we just fucking talk for an hour.

Yeah,

that's all a podcast is.

And people love it.

And everyone fucking eats it up.

And you know what?

Me too.

I would listen to basketball.

I mean, I listen to a ton of podcasts.

But I don't listen to any fucking comedy podcast.

I listen to one soccer, one basketball podcast.

What's your soccer pod?

It's an arsenal podcast.

Why is that embarrassing?

I don't know.

He's pretending to be embarrassed.

Yeah, what's that?

I like it.

Yeah, they're pretty

cool.

Why was that couched that way?

I don't know.

That's just how I say it.

I was expecting to be like, ah, it's a couple of pedophiles.

It's the gay guys only listening to the soccer podcast.

I listen to a soccer podcast.

Oh, it's embarrassing.

It's the one for the team I like.

It's a good podcast.

What are they called?

Give them a shout out.

The Arse Blog podcast.

There you go.

They're pretty funny.

They're pretty funny sometimes.

They have jokes in there sometimes.

There you go.

I listen to a bevy of

basketball pods.

Fucking the athletic, low post.

I listen to low posts as well.

Dunk Dawn is very good.

Hollinger and Duncan.

I never have a thought.

I'm always listening to a basketball podcast.

That's cool.

Or

The Talking Sopranos, which is the best podcast.

You know what?

I have Michael Imperioli and who is.

And Steve Sharipa.

I have to say, listening to that podcast makes me understand when it's the Michael Imperioli podcast.

No, it's the Talking Sopranos.

Oh, okay.

Steve Shrippa and Michael Imperioli.

Can I say something embarrassing about the one time I listened to it?

Yeah.

I felt like I knew more about Sopranos than them.

You're so wrong.

What the fuck?

I just felt like.

You're You're such a

new boy.

You're such a piece of shit.

I know.

That's the embarrassing thing.

That's true.

That's embarrassing.

I mean, I haven't listened to that.

Well, they were like analyzing stuff, and I'm like, all right, you got half of the point, I guess.

Okay, but the point is.

They're just actors.

They're just actors.

They're just the people involved in the fucking project.

But they're not damaged.

Michael Imperioli wrote for the show.

Harrison Ford famously despises Star Wars and hates Star Wars.

No, no, I don't think, but they love the show.

Imperially wrote for it.

They've done a live show.

I listened literally to half of an episode.

What you just said offends me.

Yeah, it was very obnoxious.

And it shows what a piece of shit you are.

I feel like a piece of shit to say.

I shouldn't have said that.

And my apologies to that.

But tell you what, if you're a piece of shit and your dick doesn't work.

Oh, boy.

Here we go.

I got the solution.

We are pleased.

We are pleased to announce that our good friends Blue Chew have returned as a sponsor of the show

in 2021.

And I got to say, the new pack,

there's a little difference in in the packaging.

I finally have to re-up.

They're fresh?

Because

I had my shit on like fucking, I need nine pills a day.

Yeah.

Years pay like $10.

$100.

Yeah, and then quarantine happened.

And then I had this stockpile.

And what I've now found that if there was like we were like the bunker down, there's any kind of nuclear holocaust, I would need to fill the bunker with Blue Chew pills.

Yep.

To keep your dick hard.

Because, yeah, because I started going through them.

I didn't even realize.

Yeah, because you're right.

The old packaging, there's like too much packaging.

Too much packaging.

And so you think you have way more than you do.

Absolutely.

Wait, I love the new pack.

It's in a like a, what's it called?

Like a pork.

You know what it is.

With a cockhead on top.

I haven't gotten that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You get a hard cock.

I haven't gotten that in a little bit.

They're a shape blue.

They're in like a mentos tube now.

Oh, man.

My dick sucks.

It doesn't work.

I'm only 30 years old and I'm getting dick pills.

To get hard.

My dick doesn't work anymore.

Mentos, you're gay.

Beluch you, just admit you're gay.

Just say you're gay, Belucho.

You don't need to stop living the lie.

You're a piece of shit.

Anyway, if you are in the closet like me and Nick, I had him over here.

A big a big fancy walk-in closet is.

Oh, it's a really nice closet.

Oh, my wedding clothes.

We're doing our makeup in there.

And then we're like, oh, time to take a Blue Chew and have sex with a a girl.

Everything's color-coded.

So why can't I just be with a guy like Elliot Page?

Why can't I just be gay and have sex with Elliot Page?

A man.

That would be awesome.

God damn, I really want to just shove my cock into Elliot's pussy.

His male pussy.

Does Elliot have a pussy still?

I don't know.

I haven't asked him.

Is he trying to get a cock?

I wonder.

He didn't say anything about

a letter.

What a brave thing to do to come out for the ninth time.

That is, yeah.

Well, yeah, he has done it a couple of times.

It's like that song Let's Twist Again, like we did this.

Like, this is the same song.

And now I'm gay again.

I'm a different kind of gay now.

I'm gay again.

I'm still queer.

Blue chew.com.

But

regardless,

whether you're a man with a penis or a woman with the penis, and you want to get it hard,

you got to go to our friends over at Bluetooth.

And like I said, the fresh pack, it's getting my dick harder than it has in years.

It's even, I don't know if they changed the formula.

They have a new pharmacy.

I don't know what it is, but my cock is screaming right now.

It's coming at hard and fresh.

You ever see those baseball from Major League?

you know how it's got the flames in the face and it's screaming yeah it's like that's what my cock is like now your dick is the wild my dick is a wild thing and it's going in there and i don't even have to worry sometimes with the old packaging or maybe it was because i was even fatter and doing more drugs my dick would even need a little kickstart even on a blue chew

now folks with the new the new pack

My dick, like I said, harder than it's been in centuries.

And if you want your cock to be like that, and here's the thing, it's not like we're selling you fucking

random herbs.

This isn't fucking, you know, Chinese fucking lemongrass or moose root or whatever the fuck it's called.

This is the same active ingredients in Viagra and Cialis, Tadadilophil and Sedenlophil.

And it's getting your dick so fucking hard.

I'm playing the music from Blue Chew's video.

Oh, that's awesome.

Wow.

Yep.

Enjoy.

Enjoy getting your prick

stiff.

The Blue Chew, they'll be like, wow, thanks for doing the audio, making this sound really professional.

Thanks for that Elliott Page design.

But yeah, you talk to a fuck.

You don't even have to talk.

No doctors visit.

You're like, please, doctor.

I remember at one point I tried to trick my Italian doctor when I was in Baltimore still.

I said I was pissing all the time and I read somewhere on the internet that dick pills are a solution.

And he didn't believe me, but he still gave me the dick pills anyway because he's a good guy what a nice guy you're not gonna get a guy like that you're not gonna get a guy like my friend vincenzo okay

a doctor with just a first name

i don't i didn't want to say his name his last name oh no you know 90 000 to

my dick doesn't work in chinese yeah 90

Why is it so slow?

Because Chinese people have

a language of int intonation.

I love this.

Arabic is an option here.

Oh, they won't let you.

The Arabs won't allow to

say their dicks together.

It's Chichihua.

I'm going to get canceled by people.

How dare you say what is Chichihua?

One of the most beautiful native languages.

I don't think saying what is Chichihua is the cancelable part.

How dare you fucking ask that question?

You're fired from the reservation.

You're not allowed to come here.

My dick doesn't work.

Good old American style.

That's right.

So, what my dick doesn't work.

But, yeah, apparently.

What you want to do is go to fucking bluechew.com.

You put in

promo code ComeTown.

Come Town, I believe so.

And you get a

very generous.

Maybe it's ni function pas.

What do you say?

flute?

Isn't it flute?

Yeah, it's flute.

But whatever the way you say flute,

I honestly think it is.

Is it?

Or something like that.

That's funny.

My dick doesn't work.

Yeah.

That's a good one.

My dick doesn't

have the option to make them sound like their own fucking kettlebell.

No, when you uh hit play twice on Google Translate, it um slows it down, slows it down so you can hear us.

Oh, Maori.

Here we go.

No, it doesn't do it.

My dick doesn't work.

Well, that's fucked up.

My dick doesn't work.

Where's Greek, dude?

Kaori takudiki mai.

Is that not Maori?

Dude, do Greek.

I'm feeling, I need the representation.

I don't think they have Greek.

What?

Yeah.

Yes, they fucking do.

No, it's not a real language.

What the fuck?

What is that?

It's Greek.

That's not Greek, dude.

Well, that's what it is.

Sounds like you, dude.

Sounds like your mom.

That's not a fucking

Greek word, Steve.

Sounds like Venetia.

It doesn't sound like my mom.

Anyway, BlueTree.com, promo code ComeTown.

You get a very generous handsome.

Your first order free, I believe.

Yeah, I think you just pay the shipping, right?

Just shipping.

Just the shipping.

And you pop a couple of those.

Listen.

No.

How dare you?

Now you know how to do Greek.

Wow.

That's your mom.

Now you understand how to do it all of a sudden.

To do that, though.com.

Blutzu.com.

Go to blucher.com and you can get your tiny penis card.

Really, it's a fantastic product that we all stand behind.

We all stand behind.

We fucking advertise a lot of products on this show.com.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah.

This wire is fucking.com.

And you get the fuck a Greek woman's pussy if you log on to Bluechew.com.

Yeah.

Yes, Bluechew.com, promo code Comtown.

FuckmyPussia Bluetooth.com promo code Fungo.

Fungo?

Is that put faggot?

Fungo.

That is promo code.

Oh,

it's promo code Come Town, correct?

There you go.

It might be Come Town 20 or Come Town 20 or Come Town 20.

I'm looking it up now.

Yeah, why don't you talk about your experience

doing a video or whatever?

I just did.

Promo code qui que vioji lave siko siena.

What is that?

2021.

Yeah, but

I wanted to say that one.

Well, she pronounced it.

How did she play it again?

Minier.

Okay.

It's with an M.

Okay.

It's the M-word.

It's the M-word.

Mom, mom, they call me the M-word at school.

Thank God he's retarded.

Or else this would really hurt us.

The mom's all confused.

They called you the what?

The M-word.

They called you a boop-boop.

No, no, mongoloid.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you are.

What's that?

What's that?

You're getting crazy now, son, with all this political correctness stuff.

You don't even know half the letters.

What's that the word?

Spell it and then I'll get mad.

Spell it.

Go ahead.

If you even

get mad.

You don't even know what they're saying.

You got to stop having me fight your battles for you.

Yeah, grow up.

This is the shittiest

of a fucking mentally disabled kid.

All right.

It's sink or swim time already.

You're in fifth grade, but I don't know how to swim.

And that's part of the problem.

It's promo code Come Town.

It's promo code Come Town.

Promo code Come Town.

If you like sex, you'll love.

You'll love getting pussy.

That's true.

They should rebrand as that.

What's up with Mr.

Peanut?

He keeps dead, and now he's a baby.

Wait, they brought him back.

Oh, it's like they're getting into the baby Yoda craze.

I don't fucking know.

Kind of a baby European.

Shout out to Baby Yoda, by the way.

The Mandalorian is good.

You watched it?

I did.

I watched it on Acid.

My father

loves it.

Really?

He's a big fan.

Tell him to call me.

We'll talk about it.

You want to get fucked in my ass by baby Yoda?

I want baby Yoda to use the force to fuck my ass.

Something like that.

up my ass with the force baby yoda no

he didn't say that you sure he likes the show wow um

put beskar in my ass i was trying to think beskar is the hardest metal in the universe by the way so that's why in mandalorian and the star wars um cannon you can even fight a lightsaber with it wow and that's what your dad wants in his ass by to be clear

Because it's not very pleasant.

Because it's that hard.

Well, not for you, but for a gay man.

Well, I guess for you.

I don't know if it's.

I mean, once it gets hard,

I don't know if you need it to be the hardest thing.

I guess that's true.

A hard dick is hard, but compared to metal.

A hard dick is still a little bit.

It's got a little gib.

It has a little gib.

Welcome back, YouTube Pipe Smockers.

Mutton Chop Piper here.

Oh, it's your pipe guy.

I love this guy.

Is that playing through the thing?

Yeah.

Or is it just loud as fuck?

No, that sounds really loud.

It sounds good.

It's just, yeah.

That pipe guy's amazing.

Today's video is entitled.

It sounds like we're in a room with a kind of

smoker.

Do you want to be?

This is the kind of shit you've been watching.

Dude, I love this guy.

It's so funny.

He just lives in his basement.

I don't know if he's got a family or something upstairs, but

fuck you.

I'm about to be a basement dweller, dude.

We're doing the basement in Baltimore.

Oh, this is the quote.

This is it, right?

What influenced me to start smoking a pipe?

I have told you this in the past, but

my primary reason was because of

reading about pipe smokers in The Lord of the Rings.

Salute.

Big, big salute to this man.

A.R.

Tolkien's Lord of the Rings.

Fuck yeah, dude, that rocks.

That guy's cool.

That guy is cool.

Welcome back, YouTube Pipe Smokers.

Button Shop Piper here.

Munchop Piper.

Well, the

title of today's video.

Sorry,

I guess I should do my job.

He's pretty cool.

Yeah, no, this guy rules.

It's like there's no way to.

Have you been letting the pipe fly?

Yeah.

I've been just smoking the pipe in the apartment.

You smoked it in my apartment and it smelled like pipe for a couple days.

Yeah.

It smells good, huh?

I don't know.

After a couple days,

it didn't smell great.

Yeah, you can't smoke a pipe in another man's house, man.

Yes, you can.

No, I mean, we were doing.

You were smoking other stuff?

We were smoking dust.

You were smoking angel dust.

And I also came over and just started smoking it casually.

Yeah.

Even outside of the context of that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a move.

You should bring your pipe.

Yeah, that's wildly distracted.

Go to a move.

Go to a movie.

Start smoking in someone's home.

It doesn't get smoking 1942.

It's a heavy smell.

There's a weight to the smell.

A cigarette, that doesn't smell good.

You can't rather,

I would not smoke a cigarette in somebody's house.

But I would not, let me be very clear, I don't want either.

I'll say a cigarette, I mean, maybe it's the volume of smoke, but a cigarette wouldn't last as long.

That's probably fair.

One cigarette,

growing up, one of my best friends' parents were smokers that just ripped cigs all day indoors.

Yeah, that smells.

That smelled horrific, dude.

You went into that guy's house, your clothes smelled like cigarettes for fucking weeks.

Yeah, I went, I got a fucking

credenza off of Craigslist once from these two sisters that smoked in their house for like 50 years.

That's awesome.

And you wiped the soot.

Like the soot that came off of.

No, they were both dead of emphysema.

And the kids say it again.

Say it again.

Emphyzema.

Shut up, dude.

You don't pronounce it like that.

You don't say emphysema.

You know, you've never heard anyone say that just don't be funny in that moment i wasn't trying to say i wasn't saying that to be no one says emphysema i wasn't saying it to be funny your brain is like i should say a joke here and it lands on i'm gonna say a word dumb on purpose don't do it it's not even how i say the word you've never said that word i've said that word to you before where have you heard it that way

Where did you learn to say it that way?

Well, we used to live when I was growing up.

Oh, is that how they pronounce it in Las Vegas?

That's how my dad used to pronounce it.

We lived by all these old ladies.

That's only because he thought he was pronouncing Chateau.

My dad called Mph Guy Zema.

Maybe.

He called the house Chateau M.

Geze.

Adam, I have F.

Guy, Zima.

I'm drunk off Zima, and I can't stop F-Ghaz.

I'm effing men off Zima.

I've got Mphgai Zima.

That's the stretch.

That was the reach.

They keep stretching me.

They keep reaching into my ass.

I'm stretched.

Okay, okay.

They've got a new card.

It's called a stretch limo because you can put it in your ass to prepare yourself for Bastille Day.

For the storming of my castle.

How do you say it?

Celebrate Bastille Day.

Emphysema, motherfucker.

You know exactly how we say it.

The way everyone in the fucking world says it.

The way you've heard it said in

an American accent, yes.

Emphyzema.

Even your dad doesn't say it that way.

He says he used to call it.

Emphyzema.

He would say it like that.

Shatto, Emphyzema.

Maybe that's all.

Well, here's the thing.

I say words wrong all the time, not as a bit, but sometimes I do do it.

To be a little quirky.

But not in that context.

That's a horrible way to.

That's a horrible character trait.

You know what?

Why should I really?

Just by going in the kitchen and whipping us up some rice krispy treats.

I don't know.

I would be honest.

It's like I can't.

I have to be a bit more.

I thought you guys are on diet.

How about this counterpoint?

Rice Krispie Treats.

You know what I did do over winter break?

Snap Crackle.

Which we've talked about.

Someone do this.

Do me a favor and

whip up a little drawing of Snap, Crackle, and Pop having sex with the pet boys.

Okay.

Yeah, there's a three-on-three kind of situation.

We were doing it on the board.

Who's fucking who in the end?

Where was that Brady bunch that gave me doing it once?

Oh, it was

they were all guys or something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then the guy met another guy, and then they were all gay guys.

And the sons sucked each other's guns.

And then the sons also had gay sex.

The gay guy bunch.

And it was called the gay guy.

The gay guy bunch.

The gay guy bunch.

The gay guy bunch.

I mean, it wasn't.

That was possibly the dumbest one of them.

It was one of the smartest.

And the sons also fucked each other's bunches.

One time a guy met another guy, and that guy also had three sons.

And the two guys had sex with each other.

And then the sons also had sex.

They were all gay.

They were all gay.

They were all gay.

It's pretty funny

in retrospect.

So anyway, you were at

Retrospeaked?

You were at Chateau M5.

Madam Retro Speaked.

Oh, I did over winter break make the banana pudding with vanilla wafers inside of respect.

Which we've been talking about for months.

Big respect.

I always keep a bit of

jello banana cream pudding mix in my cabinet.

The powder because you can put that shit in fucking anything and make it taste fire.

Sounds awesome.

Smoothies.

Yep.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

I do think I might have some in the fridge.

I don't know how long it lasts.

I should destroy everything in my liberty.

No, Liberty Mutual.

Now you're ruining bits.

Now the phone's interrupting.

This is someone's fault.

Someone else's fault.

My dick sucks.

My dick sucks.

My dick.

Liberty Mutual.

Has the worst commercials.

Yeah,

they got the guy from fucking Whiplash.

It's funny because Geico probably has, you know, in the world of advertising, probably the best ads.

Their ads are like totally random.

Yeah, them and Skittles.

Yeah.

You know, Skittles are good.

And then Old Spice

has become a meme into itself.

Old Spice is kind of like

adult swim kind of style.

It's one of those things that was good.

It might be annoying now, but it was good.

Yeah, it was all right.

They had Terry Cruz doing that stuff with you.

Terry Cruz apparently is like,

what's going on with that guy?

I don't know.

He's like, his whole career is.

Was it like black women or something?

Oh, I thought he said he got raped.

He did get raped.

Or

some Jewish guy jacked him off or something.

Some big fat Jew just touched his cock at a party.

Happy Hanukkah.

But then, I don't know.

Black people seem to not like Terry.

What's his name?

Terry Cruz?

They don't like him.

Terry Cruz.

I don't know.

Terry Tate was the office linebacker.

Terry's cool.

Terry Pooz.

No, I think Terry Cruz was a football player, too, wasn't he?

Yeah.

Back in the day.

I don't remember.

Terry Cruz did some shit over a couple months ago.

I just remember it.

And one day, then somebody sucked my penis.

Terry Cruz's one thing is that he was a menu.

It turned out that it was a man.

It was Adam.

No,

and I was gay.

No, he was worse.

He had it worse than me.

It wasn't me.

You had to choose one.

If you had one gold brick that said golden medal that said gay, You can only place it around the neck of one.

You can only adorn one.

Adam would get the medal.

Adam would get it.

He would be the one who gets the medal.

And even though we might be sort of,

and then at that point, I would become jealous and give him the medal, but then take the ribbon part for myself.

Oh, you want the ribbon?

I want the ribbon.

Well, the ribbon is actually the gay part.

The ribbon is just something that means you're a winner.

You can keep the part that says gay.

and I'm keeping the gold.

Well actually the ribbon also says gay.

And you can have both of them and

you still want

it

because you're gay.

Because I'm the winner.

Because you're gay.

Because I'm the winner.

It actually turns out that both of you are gay.

Then Stavros and I didn't eat them.

I didn't eat them, though.

I saved the medals for you.

You walked in the middle.

I resolved that you guys are both homos.

And this conflict was resolved when Stav ate all the medals.

Okay, if I resolved it.

I'm a peacekeeper.

Very diplomatic.

But we all know that.

There's another type of piece he keeps inside his ass.

It's the kind of piece that attaches to a man's ball.

No, it doesn't.

And the rest of it's spelled P-E-N-I-S-W-T-Nick sucks.

P-E-N-I-S.

Only at gunpoint.

To prove how not gay I am.

But he is actually holding the gun.

But Nick is holding the gun up to his own head.

Yes.

That's a fucking guy.

That's a crazy move.

The Joker.

It's a psycho move.

That's a real movie.

Batman.

He just dies a Batman.

It was a gun.

Yeah, Jared Lettow was crazy on the set.

He'd come up to me and he would suck my dick at gunpoint, but he was holding the gun.

Let me tell you something.

Ever since I started this podcast, people have been asking me for betting tips.

Oh, Oh, it's dude.

It's non-stop.

Who you got, Lakers or Clippers?

Mm-hmm.

And I'll tell you what, I tell them where you bet is just as important as who you're betting.

That's so true.

That's true.

That's why I tell people to bet with my book.

My book is Rappers Penis Fuck.

It's rock solid, and they've got the best odds, contests, and promotions in the business.

I love that.

The only place I trust to handle my dick and balls.

So true.

My NBA-related bets, the one sports book guaranteed to give me the best lines for the next year.

I love love the best lines

i used to bet at a place that had horrible lines but now with what are line this website the line is the the money line oh the money line like the odds you know plus two and a half gotcha got you got you got you i thought they meant like lines for the reads no yeah plus two and a half is a line it could also be how much bigger adam's penis gets when it's hard yeah well we've all heard the brady bunch theme song we all know this already

We've all seen the classic television show.

Yeah, so this place.

Maybe restaurants that are failing in New York should start whoring themselves out like women are doing on the internet.

OnlyFan style?

Yeah, like restaurant owners.

There should be, I mean, I guess sort of the peak of my cave idea.

But it should apply to all of them.

Absolutely.

How funny would it be if you go...

How funny would that be, folks?

It's funny.

More

hysterical.

Everyone wants to see Mario Batali's asshole.

Well, yeah.

Well, I guess he showed a lot of people.

He showed Guy Fury in a bowling shirt and flip-flops, but no bottoms.

Bottoms, dude.

Just being hot.

Just as weathered Princess.

That's a rock star asshole right there, brother.

Look at that.

I'm thinking about fucking it right now.

I got a mirror set up.

We're here in St.

Louis where you can take a look at my hole.

Oh, yeah.

Dude, they've been doing guys' grocery games over Zoom.

It sucks.

Imagine how it gone.

How are they in a they mail them something?

What do you do?

You're just watching Guy Fury eat fucking shrimp cocktail on Zoom?

No, grocery games is the competition.

Oh, right, right, right, right, right.

I remember now.

Yeah.

It's chopped.

I don't understand the premise of that show.

It's like it's a cooking competition.

Supermarket sweep.

But you can only get ingredients at the place that has all the ingredients.

No, there's little games.

Okay.

What the fuck is that?

There's fucking blue-eyed blue ribbon special or something, and there's only things that start

weird.

Stop seems to know a lot about ribbon recipes.

I know he claims he doesn't eat medals.

It's a type of game in guys' grocery stores.

Yeah,

sometimes you can't go to certain instruments.

I've never eaten all of the metals.

I've never eaten the medals except to sell the song.

Listen back to the song.

This is a decent amount about ribbon recipes.

Listen back to the song.

I only ate them to solve all our problems, but you guys ultimately are still gaming.

It's just somebody in a grocery store parking lot, and they come back to their car, and there's like a note on the bumper that says, I'm sorry, but I ate your autism awareness ribbon.

I apologize.

I thought it was a banana laugh.

It was a last-minute image.

I was on the way back to my car, and I had already eaten all my groceries

in the parking lot.

And I couldn't help myself with just one last

Susan G.

Komen

snack.

Wait, what's the yellow ones?

Oh, that's

the troops.

The troops is yellow.

The troops is yellow.

Didn't they steal that from Livestrong?

No, Livestrong was after that.

No.

There was a song called Tie a Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree, and it was for the troops.

Was it a yellow ribbon?

Yeah, Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak tree.

You know what's weird is it just.

If you turn any of those ribbons sideways, it's the Jesus fish.

That's true.

That's true.

And brother, that's something that's pretty interesting.

Brother, that's something that I think about a lot.

I think about a lot.

There's a lot of things you can turn sideways and they mean something else.

Yes, sir.

Like a swastika.

Well, I think it's the other way.

Oh, then it's Buddha.

It's an ancient Buddhist symbol warning people about dangerous parasites in society.

Oh, no, it's not that part.

They own

98% of the world.

I got to say, it's.

Anyway, we don't have to fucking say it, but it's a cool-looking thing.

It is weird that 11% of the population has 100%.

It's waste of face sex.

Taken away from that.

It's a very cool shape.

Taken away from it.

It's one of the coolest contexts.

It's a cool shape.

It's very fun to draw.

But let me just be clear: the context makes it bad.

It's simple.

Sign up and enter promo code.

What is it?

My bookie.

Is it Come Town 20?

It's It's got to be Come Town 21.

Let me just, they sent me an email, so I'll go ahead.

Yeah, it's really simple.

MyBookie.

I freaking love my bookie.ag.

I love it.

I don't know if they've changed.

What the fuck is that?

That's Switzerland.

Yeah, it's somewhere.

It's somewhere.

AG is

somewhere where they definitely force you to pay people all the time.

It's that kind of company.

MyBookie.

Let me see here.ag.

Mybookie.ag.

Live read copy.

Yep, that's the website.

My bookie.

Yeah, it's awesome.

They got a 50% sports welcome bonus.

Love that.

You can bet with Bitcoin.

Come town is the promo code.

They got slots.

They got live odds.

Bitcoin.

Doing hot right now.

Except for today.

Yeah, it hit 34 over the weekend.

First deposit bonus up to 1,000.

So that's some really good stuff.

And you want to do that.

Because listen, the playoffs, the NFL playoffs are coming up.

We got the NBA season.

There's games every fucking day.

Match your deposit up to $1,000.

I don't know if we said that.

I believe we did.

I wish I knew more about sports betting.

I wish I knew more about any kind of betting.

You could get into betting.

Nah, I can't.

I'm too lazy and emotional.

Interesting.

I only know how to.

I only know how to.

That's exactly the kind of people who are into sports betting.

Yeah, but I don't like doing any kind of analysis.

You got to just fucking

fire things off.

And if you're wrong, who gives a shit?

And if you're right, then it's important you don't gloat about it.

Right.

You just fucking take the fucking winnings.

Yeah, it's fun to get.

I like guessing.

I don't like the consequences, good or bad.

I wonder how good you would do if you just

think that libel suits should exist.

I like to guess.

I like to be like, yeah, Rick Moranis molested his children, and so he had to stop acting.

It was a guess.

It's a guess.

Right.

Even though it's because his wife died.

I'm guessing.

His wife killed herself after she caught him molesting himself.

I don't don't believe that.

And it's a guess.

And if that's why I shouldn't be able to do that.

So, what's the gamble here?

If you're right, you don't get sued for libel.

If I go to court and I'm like,

can you prove it?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, may I interest you in the game of Chance Cube?

Heads, if it comes up six weeks more honesty molested this child.

And if the cube says anything else, then I go to jail.

And the judge is like, you can't, that's not how it works.

And the jury's like, we want to play the game.

We want to play Chance Cube.

Fuck you, judge.

And I'm like, what is it?

It lens on three.

The judge has raped and murdered his children.

But is Chance Cube just a piece of dice?

It's just a dice.

Yeah, it's a piece of space dice.

Not a piece of dice, but

a piece of ass.

Irregular six-sided cups.

I can't wait to get a piece of ass in space, dude.

I want a little piece of pussy pie myself.

Space pussy.

I've made no secret of my desire to fuck a bitch that's green with huge tits.

That would be awesome.

Diora Baird, I believe is how you say her name, in Star Trek the first one.

Captain Kirk is getting pussy from her.

Yeah.

Give me that green pussy.

See your pussy.

Let me get my penis inside my pussy.

Now,

if her tits are, okay.

Yeah.

Her skin is green.

Her pussy must be a darker color.

Why don't you just fuck an Indian girl?

I feel like that's as close as you're going to get.

No, it's a kind of green.

They're all

kinds of colors.

First of all, I would.

I mean, I would like to.

If any Indian women are out there, it would be something that sort out there that hit me up.

Yeah, it's purple, it's pink, it's kind of looks like

a green lady's pussy look like a dog that doesn't have any fur on it.

I wouldn't go that far.

You ever see an animal that misses some of its fur, they've got all kinds of spots?

Like that of surgery.

Certain people's pussies are like that, is what you're saying?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm wondering, do you think a green alien

pussy?

It's purple.

It's a purple pussy.

That would be cool.

That's settled.

We all know that.

So it's Barney.

It's reverse Barney.

Yeah, they're complimentary color.

Barney is mostly purple, but green, a little bit of green.

I remember being a teenager.

That would be cool.

I would like to fuck a purple pussy.

Working with a Pakistani woman, and every time I talked to her, I thought about how her pussy was probably purple.

Literally, every time I spoke to her, I would be like, man, I fucking, I want to see you.

Do you really think it's purple?

Maybe.

I don't think.

No.

I think the inside of a pussy is pink.

The inside is, it's pretty.

Yes,

no matter what the.

They're all pink on the inside, I believe, is a thing I've heard

racist people have said about why they have sex with

different types of

racist pussy.

Oh, so I just said a racist pussy.

It's talking about Indian pussy and it's hidden.

I was trying to say something.

It's taking me to DanNinan.com.

You didn't say something racist.

But I have heard that.

Oh, wow.

And I remember thinking, well, that's fucked up because though that's true, that's purple, my friend.

It might be the lighting.

Okay.

I guess

it's a dark lighting.

I would say it's a darker pussy, but it's a pink.

It's a deeper pink.

It's a deep pink.

It's purple.

That's purple.

That's what that band.

That's purple.

That's what the band Deep Purple was named.

Deep Purple was named.

They were getting Indian Pussy.

Indian pussy.

Smoke on

the

woman's pussy.

The pussy's all purple.

Suck on my pen ass.

And let me fuck your ass.

Dude, how good did it feel to play Deep Purple on the fucking guitar when you were like 11?

It's like

a riff, brother.

I'm a rock.

Bamp, bounce, bam, bro.

I'm a rock.

Is that Eric Clapton also?

No, it's deeper, bro.

I'm pretty sure every song is Eric Clapton.

Yeah, our old pal.

It's so funny that after we did that episode, all this shit came out about him being like racist and denying it.

Well, we could have

just because God walks with the boys.

That's true.

If that's not a sign that God is on our side, I don't know what it is.

We bend reality to our will.

And that's why I'm hoping an alien with big tits comes and sucks me off somewhere.

Layla.

Don't tell me to wear a mask, Layla.

Layla.

The Chinese are lying to me.

Lay down, Sally.

Suck you down my dick.

I got balls and my dick is hard just to fuck your mouth.

Suck you down my dick.

Suck you down my dick.

Lay down, Sally.

Suck you down my dick.

Some unplugged plan.

Some gentlemen, sir, clapping.

Yeah, I guess we didn't.

We suck you down, my dick.

I got balls and my dick is hard just to fuck your mouth.

What song is that?

Lay down, Sally.

I don't know that song.

We're going to pull it up.

We've got the fucking cord.

We do have the chord now.

Now that they made it a federal crime to stream music

on a podcast, I'm going to break that.

Is it really?

It's possible.

You're trying to get us in trouble with the Fed.

No, dude, isn't it cultural commentary?

No.

Yeah, NPR can talk about fucking music and then they talk about it.

They play a snippet all the time and then they talk about it.

That's what we're doing.

We're snippet boys.

We play a snippet and we discuss.

They pay for all of those.

I don't think they do.

It's fair use.

You're listening to NPR.

Segment Dick Now Sam?

Is that the song you're talking about?

No.

No, that's the.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Damn, I love rock.

What the fuck is up?

Dude, how funny would it be to be a guy that loves classic rock?

We're listening to fucking Eric Clapton, and uh, I don't know how long this fucking pandemic's gonna be.

Oh, yeah, I know this song.

Fuck my ass,

I'm fucking gay.

You can suck my dick and ass.

You can take a shit on my chest.

Let me eat your shit.

Lay down, Sally, and suck you down my dick.

Yeah,

fuck my ass.

Lay down, Sally.

And fuck you in my ass.

There you go.

Yeah, that's a good song.

It's funny.

British people really were just stealing from American black people, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the whole stone.

Because if you think about it, it's like America doesn't have really a

cruel racial past so much as it was

a startup incubator for the British Empire.

Let's put all the the races together and let them kill themselves until they come up with a new type of music.

Until the gay a gay one of them comes up with a good music.

There's a type of music.

Shouts out to Lil Richard.

That song was about fucking people in the ass, right?

Too many fruity.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

There's just something about like shit and cum or something.

Oh, wa-bop-ba-doo-bop.

Little Richard rocks.

That guy fucking rules.

He rocks.

All right.

Gay as hell, going, whoo.

Rest in peace.

Probably getting pussy and fucking ass and getting his ass fucked with like

fucking a chick while wearing a bra with awesome hair.

Yeah, that guy.

Sick eyebrows.

A little pencil mustache.

I'm gay.

Yeah, we're a music podcast now.

Yeah.

Today we're.

Welcome to Top of the Pops.

Welcome to

top of the list.

We got the top 10 here.

We've got the best shot.

Who is that?

I don't know.

Casey Casey.

Andy Rooney.

Back in my day, you just suck a dick.

Now everybody wants to put it in your ass.

I don't want a dick in my ass.

That's where shit comes out.

Being gay used to be simple.

That's why it meant happy.

I was happy to suck a dick.

I don't want to have to stretch my ass ass out with a limousine

just to learn how to keep up with the times.

I don't want to have to pronounce emphysema wrong.

I don't want to have to pronounce emphysema wrong as a bit.

It wasn't a bit.

Nowadays, comedians are trying to get away with just saying words wrong.

No, I wasn't doing that thing.

And the ones who aren't are reinventing themselves as public intellectuals.

At least I was.

Back in my day, comedians used to suck cock.

Oh, fuck.

Summer dick now, Sally.

Let me see you.

Set my penis down, Sally.

Set my penis down, slow.

You gotta suck it slow.

You gotta suck the dick slow.

There's two bulls.

There's a young bull and an older bull.

And the older bull is gay.

And the younger bull is straight, and there's a bunch of cows down in the field.

And the younger bull says, Let's go down there, let's run down there and fuck all those cows.

And the older bull holds him down and erases.

He says, Shut up, you're gay now.

Okay, cut.

No, that's it's you got the star.

I got the star the way I wanted, Mac.

He's Joe Bud.

Listen here, listen here, Dick, Dick Cock.

I got a bunch of spiders shoved up my ass and got there making cobwebs up there.

See, I got it.

Yeah, you got it.

I got it.

I got it.

Yo, by the way, shout out to Hunter, dude.

He's doing art.

He's copying you, Adam.

I know.

Hunter Biden is doing an art exhibit.

Hunter sucks my cock.

We both work.

Hunter, my son, my son does what he needs to do to suck my cock.

I saw there was a.

Is it in New York?

Can we go?

Does he have a show?

He's got a show somewhere.

Oh, I'm trying to go, dude.

I'm trying to go for sure.

I got to the ledge.

So much pussy.

Hunter the ledge, Biden.

Yeah, he's doing cocaine and having sex with Malay Obama.

Yeah, there's a picture.

She's like 16.

There's a picture that says from

the laptop hack that has a a line

of Malia's.

I'm 16.

I like getting my pussy fucked.

I want to get fucked.

I want to get fucked and

drink cocaine.

I think she's like 21, not that I've been tracking.

Adam's been googling me.

He's trying to look my pussy.

You can't just google me to find out if i'm of age if you gotta fuck my you gotta take a chance

this is the way hunter did it he took a chance he didn't know

he thought i was 16.

Dude, if Hunter got pussy from the Mali, from the Obama girls,

that would be so.

He just has to fucking, he's like the guy from Californication.

Yeah.

He just has to fuck everyone in his.

Didn't David Ducovani just do that to get some pussy?

Yeah, he went to sex rehab.

Somebody has huge tits on that show, and she's somebody's daughter.

Yeah, I know.

I remember that scene.

Is it Susan Sarandon's daughter is huge?

I think it is.

Because those puppies probably run in the goddamn family.

Big old sweater puppies.

Good lord, them shits were delicious when I saw them.

Oh, yeah, it was someone's kid, but she had a lot of fun.

But she had Scully.

She had huge jumbo yum yum.

I want to fuck Scully so bad.

Oh, yeah.

She's so hot.

And

she gets good pussy, too.

She's still hot, actually.

Oh, yeah.

Jalee.

Jillian Anderson.

She fucked Megan Fox.

I saw a picture of them all about to have sex.

In real life?

Yeah,

they were like leaving a club and they both lost their life.

I would love to watch.

They were lesbian with each other.

Scully.

That sounds awesome.

That's so cool.

That is cool.

Scully and I got hard.

I'm no joke thinking about that.

And Candyman era, Virginia Madsen, fuck each other while I hold a gun to my head.

Just like a guy's cock.

And now

we're going to play a game.

They're like, okay, well, we're just going to leave if you're just going to point it at your own.

I'm going to kill myself.

I'm going to kill myself.

We don't care.

Oh,

that's such a funny visual.

I.

Can I at least see your pussy?

I'm gay.

Why do you want to see us fuck?

Just do it.

Just.

I didn't really think it through.

I didn't consider

how any of this would go.

Fuck.

God damn.

That's a good one.

Sleeping now, Sally.

What are we going to get for lunch, boys?

What song is that?

It's the band, The Wait.

Suck my face.

Yeah, but now I'm confused.

No, it's not the weight.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm thinking.

There's a song that goes The Wait, or is it The Work?

No.

The Take a Load Off Sally is the Wait.

The work.

The Work or some shit.

The Wait.

The weight.

What song is that?

Oh, my shit.

No.

Let's take a load off Annie.

Take a load off Annie, man.

Annie, yeah.

There's a fucking...

The word.

He says something over and over again.

This is definitely a song where somebody says something over and over again.

It's Bruce Springsteen.

I think it's the weight.

The weight.

The weight.

Or maybe it's the word.

Yeah, we'll figure that out before the next one.

Where do you guys want to get lunch?

That's a great question, mate.

I've been

maybe a nice sandwich.

I don't know.

Are you guys on diets these days?

I mean, I'm on, I'm, I'm, but I know, I'm just not going crazy.

Yeah, we'll just have a response.

I was going fucking wild.

Oh, yeah, dude.

I was, I was fucked up from like December 20th.

I would get like a box of those rich, frosted Endamin's donuts and eat the entire thing myself.

Respect.

It's like, hold on, I'll have donuts for the whip.

Bat

some fucking penis.

Touch my penis.

Puck me in my ass.

So what do we got?

Movie reviews.

We got a bunch of shit that come out recently.

Yeah.

Wonder Woman, 1984.

Looked like shit.

I didn't see it.

Here's my review.

It sucks.

Looked like shit.

Didn't see it.

Who cares?

I didn't see it either.

My father called me up to say that it was a piece of shit.

Wow.

He didn't like it.

Interesting.

Let's get some damn lunch.

Yeah, I'm hungry now.

Buy my calendars folks.

You still got time?

You have a couple left.

We got beginning of the year.

Yeah, we got

biz.

11 and a half good months out of that calendar.

Oh, more than that, it's the fucking

what is this the sixth right now?

It's the fourth.

Well, you know, when it comes

the fourth.

And then, yeah, we got shirts fully restocked.

I love it.

Tom.town.

Love it.

Everything should be in there.

And then probably we'll do a rollout next month of maybe a couple new.

I don't know if we're going to go more

hoodies or something because it'll be winter for a while.

That's so true, man.

So maybe we'll offer a couple more of those.

But everything's in.

You get that Slurple Brain hoodie.

Everyone was demanding it.

They said

that thing that you never said on the show.

That was the thing he texted on.

I think that was from the text.

It was something that I thought maybe was on the show.

I don't know.

But that's really what you want.

Nothing on Come.town is a podcast shirt.

You should never wear a podcast shirt.

I saw a girl wearing a Pod Save America shirt the other day, and I almost pushed her onto the train tracks.

Well, I think a nice amount of the shirts on there are podcast shirts, aren't they?

No, none of them.

Literally not a single one says the name of the podcast, and it all works outside of the context of

Andre's Steakhouse.

If somebody sees you wearing that, they're like, what is that?

If it's a black person asking, you're like, I don't know, it's just some restaurant.

It's a really good restaurant.

It just closed down.

And here's your cover.

It closed down because coronavirus because the owner died of coronavirus.

Oh, yeah.

My favorite restaurant closed down.

I just found out.

If it's a white person asking you about table dick sandwiches?

Sammy's Romanian steakhouse is now closed down.

I wanted to go with the boys.

We never went.

I wanted to go with the boys.

I said I'd do my birthday there last year.

Fuck, dude.

The virus shut it down.

I want to do it.

I was trying to do a show for like a

like

one of those car dealerships.

It's like, you know, like Bob Poon, Honda.

That's good.

Or Ken Schitz.

Ken Schitz, Toyota.

Yeah.

Ken Schit Hyundai.

Yeah, Dave, Dave, asshole, fuck.

Scion.

Scion dealership.

Michael Pussy, Scion.

That's a great idea.

Well, go to come.town for you.

I can't figure out the style.

Come.town for TV.

Listen, you can't.

No, I play around with a lot of fun.

It takes a while, man.

You know what I'm not?

There's things I spend spend months on, and then I get close to being done.

I'm like, no, this is the mark.

It's not good enough.

It goes right in the trash.

Get the fuck out of here.

When I was doing all those Dudes Rock Summer shirts, I spent a month doing Mount Rushmore with fucking Don Simpson.

Dorn WPA-style travel poster shirt with Dorner, Don Simpson, Michael McDonald, and then I forget who the last one was.

Oh, Paul Newman.

Yeah, that's a good lineup.

Those are the four coolest guys.

Those are some cool guys.

Those are some cool guys.

It was Mount Rushmore, and I spent a very long time on it.

And you threw it away.

I threw it away because I couldn't get the likeness right on fucking Don Simpson.

All the rest of them was fine.

You gotta swim.

Well, were you guys swap out Don?

No.

No.

I couldn't do it.

That's next Mount Rushmore.

Yeah.

Those are your guys.

Who are your guys, man?

All right.

All right, folks.

Come downtown, stop me.biz for the calendars.

We'll talk to you soon.

Bye.

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