Ep. 240 – hauld my dangke

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Your ring, your way.

I just said.

You hit the record, though.

I just said, Adam, just go make the coffee.

Why make the coffee?

You were the one who asked for it.

Nick said, I'm gonna make coffee.

Make the coffee now.

Make it.

I can't hear that stuff.

I don't have headphones on.

Yeah, you can't hear it because

I'm not wearing headphones.

Oh.

Yeah, it's in the back of my car.

My car should be unlocked, but if it's not, the keys are on the code right now.

Just make you know.

You just woke up from a nap.

Adam's taking naps.

I'm cranky.

Yeah, so make some fucking coffee to fix your attitude before I fix it for you.

You're yelling at me.

I'm not yelling at you.

For everybody.

For everybody.

Why are you yelling at me?

What are you doing, Nick?

He's about to get five across the lips.

I'm going to give you a fucking backhand if you don't.

I'll give you something else across your lips.

I would fuck you up, Adam, right now if we fought.

If we fought right now, I would fuck you up so easily.

That's not true.

I would dispatch you so easily.

That's not true, because I fight by Israeli army rules.

No.

Sorry, bitch.

There are no rules.

White phosphorus.

You don't have to

men's penises.

That I will have to do it.

Ratchet in Gaza.

Fight rules just right.

The Gaza Steakhouse.

The Gaza Steakhouse.

Welcome, come on into the Gaza Steakhouse.

Everything comes with Hemison.

Actually, that nap made me feel good.

I don't need coffee.

You better start fucking behaving like that.

Get in the back of my car.

There's some salt service.

I'm not going to get in the back of your car.

Just get in the back of the car.

Go ahead and get in the back of the car.

Why do you keep telling me to go in the back of my car?

It's cold outside.

My station wagon.

Yeah.

Station wagon.

Second station wagon.

The crew.

The state.

Yeah, the second one.

Oh, what are you accusing him of?

Coffee.

I would have gotten a sedan if I had seen a

little 240 sedan for sale, but they didn't really care.

What do you say about Adam's charges of copying?

I mean, he doesn't even have a car.

Sav has agreed with me off the record that he copied.

I've never said anything.

Yes, he did.

I'm a neutral observer.

He said, you got to say, Schwaggen, I'm sucking.

I'm suck dickswerland.

What I got was an old car.

I mean, it just happened to be a sedan.

My car is old, too.

It's 16 years old.

Your car should not be in the condition that it's in.

What condition is?

Inoperable.

You have have to have your girlfriend fix it for you.

She's not fixing it for me.

I'm going to hardly do that.

We went out of town and he's like, babe, can you help me with the car?

You have to have your girlfriend.

That is what happened.

Let's be honest.

What are the facts?

No, this is the thing.

Did you leave?

And then did your girlfriend fix your car?

Are those the facts?

I left and there was a flat on the car.

She was born.

And who took care of it?

Who took care of it?

I called fucking AAA for her so she could get a tower new wheel.

Who had to deal with that?

Who took care of it?

I took care of it because I had a warranty.

I had a warranty at Costco.

He took a career.

I did.

I had a warranty swindled by the working man.

So you have your.

She got a new wheel, but she was borrowing the car for the week and the car had a flat after we were ready upstate.

Don't bring my personal

pajamas and didn't even check your car before you gave it to the woman.

That's right.

That's recklessly giving a broken car

very nicely.

Wasn't a girlfriend who knows more about tired than you.

What do you mean knows more about you?

There was a flat tire.

You're 15 years older than her, and she knows more than you.

All right, Nick.

All right, Nick.

How is that?

Her generation didn't even grow up with cars.

That doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, they had iPads.

Everyone had cars.

It doesn't make any sense.

They took taxis everywhere.

They took electric cars.

You're even losing Stavros on this.

That's the type of car.

What do you mean, even Stavros?

Well, you guys were both doing a two-for-one, and now you're

losing me.

He's losing me with that.

This car thing, nothing changed.

You did lose me.

But what did I lose?

I don't know.

It's a vibe.

I got too aggressive, but the point, didn't

survive.

What do you guys think?

You guys are mad at me because I took a nap for 15 minutes.

No, I lost him.

I lost him in terms of the aggressiveness.

I did not tell anyone I was going to make coffee.

You did.

Why am I in trouble for you?

You woke up cranky.

Right.

I didn't wake up cranky.

I was

erections.

You woke up with a hard dick and you tried to get

it.

You woke up and I said, stop,

I have a boner right now.

You said, I don't believe you.

I said, so you can touch it.

I said, you pussy.

No, I said, let me see it.

I showed you through.

No, I wanted to see your bear cock.

Okay, well, next time I get an erection, I'll show you.

Show me the bear cock.

I don't have one right now.

The point is, listen, you woke up, you needed coffee.

I didn't need coffee.

I'm feel fine right now.

You asked for coffee.

All right.

If I woke up and I wanted to get my dick hard.

Okay, right before I took my 15-minute nap, we said 4 p.m.

Okay, Nick said, I'm going to make some coffee.

We'll get it going at 4.

I don't remember that.

And then I ended up jump roping okay so you jump roped I thought you made coffee I just asked if oh I didn't know you had a verbal promise from Nick I thought you I just asked if there was coffee so Nick's in breach you're in breach of contract I said I want to have a cup of coffee I never said I was making it Adam said do you have a grinder and I said yes it's in the car that's true that's true Adam how do you yeah you brought your coffee grinder from the city yeah you know what we shouldn't be fighting I didn't bring I have a better coffee this is probably tearing the audience what I brought what I brought is they like a little insight to the drama.

I brought as a coffee grinder I'm planning on either giving to somebody or throwing out that just happens to be what kind of a coffee grinder?

Something like KitchenAid coffee grinder.

Okay.

Now that I'm trying to learn coffee.

Mr.

Coffee over here.

You're saying you're planning on giving it to someone that happens to be a woman?

No.

Is that what you just said?

You didn't say it was a woman.

Wow.

Sounds like you got some.

Some weird thing.

I thought you were bragging about giving garbage to women.

Wow.

Things that you're...

Adam, see, this is why I'm saying you need a cup of coffee.

Yeah.

Because you're being cranky right now.

I'm not being cranky.

I bought both of you guys Christmas gifts today.

You did?

Yes.

Let's change the subject.

I told you guys what the Christmas gifts are.

It's already

yet.

I ordered them.

It's already January.

It's already December 30th.

I know.

It's a late Christmas gift.

You haven't.

December 30th.

By this time, I've already given you my incredibly thoughtful Christmas gift.

I didn't have it.

How about this?

Here's a Christmas

Cushy Dreams.

You check them out.

Is it?

No.

There's a Christmas gift to the Cushy Dreams Company by giving them by our friends at Cushy Dreams.

We're giving a free

zero effort involved bonus.

Is this a free advertisement?

Cushy Dreams.

Check them out.

Patreon.

Oh, hold on.

Okay.

Hey, can you hear me?

What's up?

We're doing the podcast right now.

It's Robert Kelly.

Really?

Put it on speaker.

We can't put it on speaker.

Hey, Bob, can I call you back?

Can you tell Bobby I said hello?

Are you doing a podcast now?

We're doing it right now.

Hi, Bob.

Stavro says hello.

How are you, baby boy?

I'm doing pretty good, Bobby.

Thank you for asking.

All right, have fun doing your wildly popular podcast with this money in your pocket.

Okay, all right, well, yeah, we'll call you.

We'll put you on speaker and

we'll all talk together in like maybe an hour.

All right, bye bye

nice to hear from Bobby.

It was nice to hear from Bobby.

I did his he's got he had a workout the 30-day less titty challenge is what he was doing.

I saw it.

I did a workout with him and honestly it fucked my ass a little bit.

Yeah.

Did you lose weight?

I lost 100 pounds.

Wow.

You did.

Yeah, I know that.

You look beautiful.

I think you did that.

It's so crazy you lost 100 pounds.

Everything except your breasts.

I chopped one of my...

You're a hot.

First of all, I don't have breasts.

Even at my fattest, I just really have breasts.

I mean, I've grabbed them before.

Not really.

It's not very funny to claim that you don't have breasts.

I don't really have breasts.

I've left-hand palmed you and right-hand-palmed.

Put it this way, they could be way worse.

That's true.

I fuck girls with smaller titties than you.

That's not true.

You know what?

That's true, but that's on your

type.

That's on your, like, that's like saying, you know, I can do.

You know, I like big natural.

No, you don't.

I'm honest.

Now we want to talk about copying.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

You're the first person.

Now we're talking about copying.

Xerox over here.

I've loved station wagon.

You're saying station wagon.

Meanwhile, Nick bought an old car to work on.

Have you done a stitch of work on your fucking Carmelo Soprano wagon?

No, motherfucker.

No, I did.

You haven't done shit.

I have done it.

Right now, you're going to somewhere, replacing the fucking tailwind.

You bought it and immediately got into an accident.

Okay.

That's right.

First of all, that was not my

bragging about fucking women with smaller tits.

It was a cannabis user.

It was a cannabis user

on the Long Island Expressway.

They made a sudden stop and I was following a little control your vehicle.

Thank you.

Maintain control.

You can't go

from saying you fuck girls with smaller tits than me, which, by the way, I fucked all types of different tits.

I'm just on your behalf.

I fucked all women with all different tits.

That's number one, because my tits are not big.

They're little and they don't look that good.

If it was on a woman, I wouldn't be that thrilled if I had tits like mine.

Now, as a fat man, these are the best tits you can possibly have.

But on a lady, these are not good tits.

Secondly,

you cannot establish yourself as a guy who fucks girls with titties like this and then, in the same breath,

claim to love big naturals.

I've always when I have been on the fucking record since before this podcast about loving big ass

making copies to claim that liking that's you're Rock Schneider.

is your thing.

You're the copier.

Out of the three of us, it is my thing.

That liking big.

In this well-worn.

Copier's jammed.

Copier.

Asshole number one.

You've got a dick jammed in the copier.

Asshole number one.

That's true.

Please empty the copier's mouth.

It's filled with cum.

Error.

Error.

The copier's been nutted in and it's jammed up with nut from copying too much.

So

that's you, by the way, the copier.

Mr.

Xerox.

All right, man.

The Batman villain.

Listen, it didn't bother me that you got the second station maga in the crew.

It's just officially the second station maga in the crew.

That's all.

You keep bringing this up as if I give a shit.

Oh, cool.

I don't care.

I'm just putting something on the record.

Adam, you sound mad, dude.

I don't sound mad at all.

You're being trolled and you're a great nap.

Have a nice direction.

You have been trolled.

Have a nice day.

You have been trolling.

You're trolled.

I've been trolling both of you.

You're a troll.

I've been doing a long-term troll on you.

And the trap is nearly set now.

Nearly set.

You might think you've had little victories all along the way.

That's why you're making war.

But the war.

I fought a war of attrition for years.

No.

A war of attrition.

That sounds like being trolled to me.

Me, I didn't even know a war was going on.

I was just having a good time, jump roping.

That's right.

Eating pizza that's been left out for three days.

Is there any more cold pizza?

There's plenty.

There's all of the

for some reason the meat lover didn't get touched despite having a huge meat loving copying piece of shit right here in front of me.

I wouldn't describe stoppar us that way.

What?

Oh, why would you point a stop restaurant?

He pointed at you.

Now you're just lying to the audience.

And that's something I've never lied to the audience.

And that's something that's both of you guys, both of you guys, every single episode, spew lie after lie to these kind souls.

No.

Oh, my God.

You think they're going to fall for this little fucking stunt?

I would love to have an argument for the entire.

You think this is how they're going to fall for this little story?

I think it's finally time we have an argument the entire episode.

A lot of people think the premise of the show is that we bully Adam, but the truth is that's never actually happened.

No, it doesn't.

We've never even gotten close to bullying Adam.

No, no, no, no.

We keep him in check.

I think what you need to do is go make a little coffee.

You can't kill a man who's already dead.

You have to go make a little coffee.

Well, you can't be the crazy coffee.

You can't kill a man who's not even a man.

That's right.

You're cool.

You can kill a woman.

You're a little girl baby who's not even born yet.

You're a girl sperm.

That's true.

Listen, Nick.

You're a little sperm with a pussy instead of a tail.

You're always, you're always.

You're a girl.

You're a sperm that's like, hey, boys.

You've always been jealous of me because I'm 18 months older.

We all know that.

Shut up.

that's the one thing you're not allowed to bring up on the show

everyone knows that everyone who listens knows

nick wants to be 18 months old he wishes he was 18 months old feels so fucking gay

because my birthday is late oh now he's just leaving you better bring pizza for the crew you better bring that main lovers pizza in here you better bring the whole fucking pizza the beat lovers That's right, the beat lovers.

Beaten off.

Suck me off.

What did they call everything bagel at the place we went to?

The tornado.

Suckley's

Suckley's Delight.

What the fuck?

Only one slice.

You're fucking insane.

There is an entire pizza.

Give me a slice of that and go have the sausage.

I'm the guy who ordered pepperoni mushroom.

No, I was going to share the one slice that I found.

It was a whole fucking.

I would have brought more slices if there were more slices.

Let's see.

Wow.

How the fuck did that happen?

There was only only one slice left.

I guess, did you?

You guys are midnight snackers.

I had a slice at 3:48.

I had a slice at 7 a.m.

That's what happened.

Yeah.

It's weird because

Will and I were hitting the Frank Deuce.

I'm a little bit hard.

I'm a daytime guy.

I wake up.

No, I'm a nighttime snacker.

At 10 a.m., I'm gorging myself and then

starving.

My pattern, when I'm really in the fucking eating zone,

the first meal of the day is around 5 p.m.

Because I'm so fucked up off what I ate last night that I can't even stomach the idea of eating anything.

I love that, dude.

Most of the day is spent recovering, right?

I wake up.

We should see if we could get

Ethan

Sherwood Strauss

from the basketball guy.

Yes.

We should get Indiana Jones on the guy.

The basketball Twitter guy.

The guy.

Who wrote the victory machine?

Who Perox?

I'm sorry, Ethan.

The fat Nazi.

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

Shouts out, Ethan Suppley.

I'm sure he's from Boy Miss World, too.

He's got his own podcast.

Ethan Suckley.

He's about diet and exercise.

Oh, shit.

But we said, bring him on and see within an hour if Stav can destroy his life.

I probably could.

I can't be near that guy.

I'm a big fan.

I'm a big fan, but I shouldn't be around you.

You're just the worst.

I just fucking would.

He would be.

Everything he's worked for would be a good thing.

You're his Courtney love.

Yeah.

How much weight did that guy lose?

He's awesome.

He's 700 or 800 pounds.

Yeah, he lost about 4,000 pounds.

He was real fat.

He was American History Act.

He's fat.

Yeah.

He looks good now.

He's like a powerlifting guy.

I can't be around that guy because, yeah.

We would have a really nice time.

That's the thing.

It would be an awesome relapse.

Relapses are the best.

The first few, the first week of a relapse, there's nothing better in the world.

See, that's what now I get to enjoy November and December and just eat whatever the fuck I want and be like a complete piece of shit.

Yeah.

You know, because it's the ant and the grasshopper.

That's so true.

That's what I've been eating.

I've been eating bugs.

You've been eating bugs.

I've been eating nothing but an ant and a grasshopper every day.

Every day.

That's like Adam-type amount of calories.

Yeah.

You know what I'd like?

A chocolate-covered bugs.

Yeah.

If I were to have to eat a bugs.

I forgot.

Oh, yeah.

We need ice cream.

We haven't had ice cream once this trip.

We haven't had ice cream the entire time.

We got to get ice cream.

Tonight's the night, fellas.

I feel it.

If you thought I got high as shit, the last three days.

I just remember

the same cousin whose makeup I ate when I was a kid, I was fat as shit, and I would make fun of her for being anorexic because she would get like a salad, like make a healthy

choice.

While you're having two McDoubles.

Yeah, right.

I can't breathe.

I'm like, oh, can I just have half a pancake?

I'm having nine of them.

Shit, maybe pancakes for tomorrow.

Dude, I would love to make

the flat top.

Buckwheat pancakes.

Tomorrow, we need to fuck up the flat top.

Make pancakes, make fucking burgers and cheese steaks.

We should cook in the fireplace.

That's no, it's not Red Dead Redemption.

We should cut off a Chinese guy's skin and make soup out of it.

Nick's trying to make explosive bullets with butter.

With butter and fucking

skeet shooting around.

Nick's trying to open up the anarchist cookbook.

Hey y'all, I made my own pornography out of awful.

Now we can set up camp in the living room and beat each other off.

Uh-oh.

What is awful?

It's just like dried whole rat.

Is that what it is?

Yeah, isn't it?

It's a rodent?

I don't know.

I don't know.

It's gristle.

I don't know, but Adam made the mistake of leaving the pizza on the couch.

Maybe it was a mistake.

Maybe it was a deliberate.

Mistakes.

Maybe it was a trap.

The mistakes have been made.

I got worried about you last night.

Because one of these days you're going to just die.

No.

You thought he was going to die last night when.

I'm not the one who fucking did how much cocaine all fucking night talking about global warming's fake.

So nothing to worry about over here.

I was getting high as fuck, passing out to John Travolta.

You also did cocaine.

You also did a little bit of cocaine.

You did a little bit.

Okay, to be fair, I forgot I did cocaine.

I did green tea.

And my heart was pounding

cocaine, green tea, and watched Money Train.

Did you guys finish Money Train?

I went upstairs.

No, we only made it.

Midway through halfway through.

J-Lo is fucking ten in that movie.

I fucked her up.

We already fucked her.

I fucked her in.

No.

I fucked her in out-of-site.

No.

And you know what I did the other day?

No.

I fucking woke up and I saw my Amazon.

I'd been looking up how to buy official vaccination records, say, doctor your own vaccination.

That was a fun one.

What to say that you got the COVID vaccine?

Well, all of the vaccines, because I don't have my...

You don't have any?

No, I was vaccinated.

I just don't have my medical records.

So I don't want to go get another vaccination or a fucking.

Can't you go to your medication?

I don't know your mom well, but she seems like the fuck a pediatrician.

You don't know your pediatrician?

No, I never had a consistent doctor.

Really?

Yeah, no, never.

How about you?

I would go to the doctor when I was

very, very, very sick as a kid.

Did you go to do checkups?

No, never.

Shout out my guy, Dr.

Salihi.

I'm still very close with my pediatrician.

You're one of those guys that went until he was 27.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

As long as you're still on the nipple, you're allowed to go to the pediatrician.

Mm-hmm.

And you bottle feed.

I put a nipple at the end of my dick and trick Adam into sucking it.

Mm-hmm.

You ever do that?

Yeah.

Yeah, I've tricked Adam into doing a lot of things.

I've actually been tricking you to do more things.

No.

Yes, I have.

Like what?

I don't want to display it.

Like by a station wagon that adds

pleasure to my life because I have a project and something to work on instead of a thing that's constantly broken.

I have a girlfriend to handle it for me.

Wait, having a flat tire, you say it's a broken car.

I don't know what to do.

Having a flat tire, you were

carbon.

Because the keys weren't working.

Can you bring all your tools over here and help me?

Never mind.

My girlfriend fixed it.

No, you didn't fix it.

I fixed it.

I didn't do anything.

I stayed at home.

Wait, that happened to me, not you.

Your girlfriend fixed it.

The same thing happened.

Really?

No, because

he lacked the wrist strength to put the key in the no.

Nick tried to fix it.

He couldn't.

I did not even come over.

What happened was

remotely close to your car, your girlfriend had to fix it.

He's absolutely lying right now.

It's so funny.

What do you mean?

Whoa.

You didn't remotely come close to the car.

You didn't go into the car and put the key in the ignition.

You said the wheel was locked.

The car was not.

You called me up.

You said, I can't turn the car on or move the steering wheel.

And anyone would tell you, just pull the steering wheel a bit and turn on.

That wasn't what happened.

That wasn't the problem.

I said, yes.

The battery was dead.

I said, just push the serial, and then I came over, and it's like a push-start ignition.

And then I said, oh, I don't know what this is, but I didn't try to fix your car, but the battery was dead.

And my girlfriend didn't fix my car.

Your girlfriend had to fix your car.

Stop saying that.

I heard that you didn't fix it, though, Adam.

No, I just,

I thought initially that it was a dead battery.

I was pissed when my keys stopped working.

That was annoying.

My car worked, and it just, I had to pay some Greek guys like $700 because they ran dice.

I thought they were Pakistani.

I went to the Pakistanis.

They were so rude that I had it shipped over to the Greek guys that I can trust.

Damn, Will Mataker is making us dinner, and it smells great.

It smells better than my fucking little dick.

It smells better than Adam has ever smelled in his life.

That's true.

And you probably haven't smelled better than Bolognese.

What?

My body?

Yeah, your pheromones.

No, I'm getting into sense.

I told you.

Your pheromones can...

First of all, 2021.

Culturally, that's cheating.

You don't wear

boring cologne one time around.

Can I say this?

This is the last episode of the year.

I just want to say, you have an awful attitude today.

I don't know what happened during your nap.

I feel fine.

No, you know what it is?

You know what it is?

I'm standing up for myself.

We're not even going after you.

You just started off.

You're like, you copied my station wagon.

You don't like the fire.

Well, you're the copy.

I was lightly teasing you.

You hit that.

It was a light tease.

It was a really television.

Okay, that's fine.

I'm like, we're not even going.

No one's going after you here.

Yeah.

Your attitude is bad.

I've been trying to talk about PlayStation 5.

No, I brought it up one time

because I've been trying to, and you keep saying, I've only sucked 18 digs.

I never said that.

You did.

You keep bringing like you said.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

You've been saying that.

I've only sucked 18 digs.

My car is broken because I had a flat wheel in the microphone to fix my car for me.

All I'm saying is, you should have, if you had made the coffee,

no problem.

He plans, he manipulates the situation to plan to be out of town because he knows he'll get a want to kiss the tow truck driver.

That's true.

Okay, if that's true, then you're being a good boyfriend.

If you're keeping yourself out of

situations of temptation where the tow truck driver comes

and he's so hot and he's got so much grease on his overalls, I would say what's the last temptation of Christ about?

Is it about sucking copies?

No, it's about sucking copies.

No, well, it's about getting pussy.

Which is awesome.

And who wrote that?

A Greek guy?

Who?

Scorsese.

No, bitch.

It's not Zakis.

And

it's about what, Adam?

It's about getting pussy.

Is that the joke answer or the real answer?

Both.

It actually is both in this case.

Yeah.

All right.

I'll give him that.

It's a great movie.

I'll give him that.

It's about getting pussy, which is cool.

It's funny that they made a movie about God and his biggest issue is whether he can get pussy or not.

And that's the kind of God that I identify with.

Yeah, your God, Scott.

How great is our God?

Our God is a horny God.

Come Town this year is brought to you by Cushy Dreams, MacWaldon.

Oh, and this is nice.

We're doing a little the people we love the most.

Thank our sponsors.

Manscaped.

We got some new players.

Mybookie.ag.

Mybookie.ag, Manscape.

All of them them you can use promo code either ComeTown or ComeTown.

Which one of the two, folks?

Yeah.

And this is what we like.

This is the kind of thing that we do that separates us from other podcasts.

Because people that buy the premium, they think, well, we don't even get to hear ads.

Well, guess what?

Right now.

This is not a premium episode.

I thought you said it was.

No, there's just no ads booked for the...

This is a regular episode.

Oh, nice.

Oh, it's a regular no ad.

Yeah.

I got confused.

Because I fucked up when booking the year, and I thought that

December 30th, or the week of this episode, would fall into January.

I see.

So you don't book that because it's the radio week, and the radio week would fall into the next fiscal year.

What is radio week?

I don't know, man.

It's just some shit where there's like there's 52 weeks out of the year and

people buy ads.

That's too many weeks.

People buy ads for the beginning of the week, but our air dates are like, I don't know.

I just fucked up.

There should be 40.

48 weeks, and we should get four weeks vacation.

There's one week that fell through the fucking cracks, and it's this week.

So

there's no ad sold.

I see.

I see.

That's all right.

But we do want to thank all of our sponsors.

Who stood by our side, despite numerous multi-thursday boots.

Let's not forget Thursday boots, of course.

Now, allegations which have never been proven.

I'm trying to

negotiate these reads for next year.

And one of the sponsors has a specific clause that says that if any of the hosts are accused of sexual misconduct,

they're allowed to cancel the reason.

It's in the contract.

Well, it's like one of their stipulations.

Just sexual misconduct.

I can assault someone.

Yeah.

I can beat a homeless person.

It's like, you can cancel the contract whenever you want.

Just like we can stop doing this show whenever you want.

That's right.

That's the flip side is we may just leave.

That's right.

We'll cash the checks and you'll never hear from us again.

Yeah.

One of the best days of my life, actually it was a terrible day.

It was one of the worst days of my life now that I think about it.

That's quite the reversal.

What day?

What day is it?

It was one or the other.

I don't know.

I was like 18.

I was working at a gas station and the job sucked.

I hated it.

Of course.

My girlfriend at the time showed up and she had a bunch of like booze in the car.

And I was supposed to be working from like 7 a.m.

to 8 p.m.

And it was like 11.

And she was like, let's just go get trashed.

And I was like, all right.

And I went into the station and I told the African guy, I was like, I'm leaving.

I'm not working anymore.

I'm going to go get drunk.

And that was one of the worst days of your life?

Well, then, yeah, then we got drunk and fought for two years.

Oh, okay.

Damn, man, that smells so good.

I know.

You know what I want?

I want

Paula Dean stovetop mac and cheese.

Never had it.

Do you ever have that restaurant?

Stovetop is not baked?

I think...

No, they do a stove top and then she bakes it

with a nice crust on the top.

I like a crust.

That's the good stuff right there.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Thanksgiving's coming backwards.

That's already happened.

Thanksgiving's coming backwards.

I think I'm hoping Korean barbecue restaurants were open on Thanksgiving.

Dude, I'm hoping they're go.

You know, I'm taking my cousin.

My cousin's birthday was several months ago.

And so I'm taking him and his girlfriend out to

Korean barbecue if you want to come.

When are you doing that?

Next week, when I go back.

In this case.

Wait, Thanksgiving?

No, well, close to Thanksgiving.

I'll see because I'm probably going to have some visitors that week.

I might be entertaining.

Well, I'm planning to just, you know, fucking make it rain or whatever at the Korean restaurant.

Oh, yeah.

All are welcome.

Thank you.

I've already set aside $10 million.

$10 million.

But

I want to do it before they shut the fucking city down again.

I know.

Which they have done.

Yeah, they probably have done.

By this point.

Or they did shut down the schools on

November

18th.

They shut down the public schools.

Did they shut down the schools?

Today.

Or November 18th.

De Blasio even showing his fucking face in public.

I don't think so.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

It's November 18th.

There's too many goddamn birthdays in November.

November and April for me are like, I just feel like a fucking asshole every three days because they have like.

Really?

Yeah, I have a bunch of friends that all have birthdays in.

What is it, Gemini season?

Yeah.

What is it, Scorpio?

November and April, you said?

Scorpio season?

That's very sweet, Nick.

It's very sweet of you to remember.

Yeah.

Remember my birthday month?

I have like two friends

Let's see.

What zodiac is it?

Okay, good.

That's sent off.

You've done it.

Yeah, November, it's like November 17, 18, 19, 20.

I have like fucking 10 friends who have birthdays.

I have a run like that in July.

Where it's like three friends of my dad.

See, it's weird.

I don't know anybody.

I have like rarely anybody that has a birthday in July.

In fact, I dated a girl whose birthday was in July, and I used to routinely have to like find excuses to look at her ID because I would forget what her birthday is.

I knew it was in June.

First of all, there shouldn't be two months with the same

thing you just said.

Yeah, June and July is the same.

I used to always forget my mom's birthday, but I know it now.

Yeah.

But I used to think it was in May and it's in March.

Yeah, my dad's birthday is in March and I forget his birthday routine.

Like I will never I'll never remember it.

nice fuck him but another other birthdays in march i know a lot of girls with early march birthdays oh yeah me too yeah and what i'm saying no

i mean i've i know where they live yeah i've never seen their birthday

i know their social security numbers and there's nothing you can do to hide to keep me from lurking the birthday remember shine michael don't

i heard it was your birthday birthday Somebody told me it's your birthday.

Do you want to have sex?

Do you want to have sex?

Do you want to show me your pussy?

Do you want to have sex in my Toyota to Sam?

Beep, beep.

Beep, beep.

I'm outside.

It's your birthday, and I'm horny.

It's the War of the Hoses, and it's Michael Douglas and Martin Sheen, and they get married, and then their marriage falls apart, and they have to get gay divorced.

That's awesome.

We should have like a decade of gay divorce movies.

I agree.

They're coming.

Like Gamer vs.

Gamer.

Yeah, gay guy versus even gayer guy.

Creamer versus creamer.

Yep.

Creamer versus creamer.

I like that a lot.

I was I was very specific.

I wanted the dildos in the divorce.

Mrs.

Doubtfire, but this time Mrs.

Doubtfire is keeps the children.

And Sally Fields, her like cis woman wife, is the one that loses her kids to her trans husband.

Yeah, absolutely.

Because the courts

have to be transferred to.

Yeah, the court's too afraid to.

I was born like this.

The courts are afraid to not give custody to Mrs.

Doubtfire.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because they don't want to.

Go ahead, I dare you.

You'll have a PA nightmare.

And they're like, yeah, after the Brock Turner judge lost their job, I can't risk it.

Definitely the same thing.

Yeah, pretty much.

I don't want to piss off social media.

Is that letting a rapist off?

The guy who raped that pass out girl.

I'm not trying to end up like that.

I'm not trying to end up like that good judge.

The judge who just did his damn job.

It'd be funny to be the Brock Turner judge.

Like, we also find out that they were dressed like Judge Dredd when making that shit.

That'd be cool.

That would be cool.

If you're about to do some wild shit as a judge, you should do this.

You should get that helmet.

You should dress up as Dredd.

You should get that cool helmet.

I am the love.

The glass of eyes on it.

I am the love.

I don't think it was that bad that he raped someone.

You get four months or whatever.

Nice pussy, Rookie.

Rookie.

Rookie, show me your pussy.

Rookie, call it.

Rape in the first degree.

Sentence, zero years.

Punishment, nothing.

Sandra Bullock.

It's a good call, Rookie.

Good call, Rookie.

Good call, Rookie.

Wow, I can't believe Sandra Bullock would let him off.

It's not Sandra Bullock.

It's not the second one.

It's the second one.

The better one.

Come on, dude.

I really like that.

That's a much better movie.

I really like that movie.

It's so good.

I recommended it to my dad.

My dad's like, I hated it.

What?

You got to kill your father.

I'm like, I don't understand anything.

I don't get you.

It's over for him.

This seems like it would be right up your ass.

We got to take him out back and shoot him in the back.

The amount of times I had to listen to his, like, oh, I was watching the special features on the Guardians of the Galaxy DVD.

And you're going to pretend like you're too smart for dread.

He was like, there was, I mean, like, really nothing like there's no intellectual value to it.

It's like, of course, there isn't.

Yeah, it's just rocks cock.

From the second you press play till the end, it rules.

Yes.

That's all.

That's the value.

That's all it's supposed to be.

It's a drug that slows down.

People are getting fucked up and slow-mo.

Yeah, he's like, it's just people getting shot in the face in slow motion.

It's like, yeah, it's a B action with the fools.

You fucking loser.

And the action is really good.

And there's a little pinch of titties, if I'm not mistaken.

A pinch of tit.

Just a little sprinkling.

Not as much as I would have liked.

I love when he just throws that bitch off the roof of the end.

It's so cool.

And then she dies in slow motion, and he's just looking down in his final line in the movie.

At least in terms of all the conflict, he goes, yeah.

And that's it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's a good movie.

That's such a cool movie.

Shouts out Carl Urban.

Call it rookie.

Isn't that his name?

Penis.

Six and a half inches.

Not that bad looking, but but probably not have that.

Trouble staying hard.

Trouble staying hard, not particularly pleasurable.

Call it again.

He must have written,

must be jammed.

Oh, it sounds like you're getting the wrong read on that one.

I am the law.

So maybe

turn your helmet and stop looking.

Suck it for a second and then do it and read it again.

It gets much bigger.

Give it a suck, a couple up and downs, and then give me another reading.

Oh, maybe you're going to lick my ass.

Suck all my titties and jack me off and then read it again.

Put your gun in my ass, Rookie.

Put your gun in my ass and use the incendiary round.

Yes, quick hub.

Lift my bicycle up and put the tire on my asshole and then rip the engine.

Do a wheelie into my ass.

Do a wheelie into my ass, Rookie.

Yeah, that's a good-ass movie, bro.

That's some absolutely good shit.

What's the next movie we should watch?

Well, let's do some film reviews, maybe.

Stop, you could tell them about the movies we've been watching.

No, I don't feel like it.

Alright, never mind.

How about that?

You don't tell me what fucking gets done.

I say what gets done.

Tell me what gets done then.

See?

Just feel your tits that I'm.

Go ahead, feel them.

Honestly, feel them.

You're telling me you fuck.

See, you tried a much bigger handful than this there no i'm just holding something else in my hand try it again tell me these tits are you fucked a girl with tits like this that's a handful

you're pathetic it's a small handful it's pathetic i've definitely fucked small handful

than this smaller than this

i've i'm just saying that's in the category of small handful

i'm not saying it's a big handful

whatever man shaped like this no my tits aren't shaped like

They're not.

They're shaped.

They're more like horizontal.

Exactly.

They go to the side more.

Thank you.

They spill out over the side.

They don't like do they don't bell.

They don't do a bell curve.

A nice, beautiful bell curve.

No, they spill over.

I do need to get the horizontalness of my titties under control.

It's kind of like a Phil Margera, kind of.

They go like horizontally.

No.

That's not the correct comp.

I think it is.

I have a better body than Phil Margera.

I'm just saying it's the same, uh, it's the same

genus.

It's the same phylum of breast.

You know what?

Fuck you.

Let me take a look at Phil Margero's breast, and I'll tell you right now.

And I'll tell you right the fuck now.

I don't have big tits, though, Phil Margero breasts.

I don't think he does either.

Yeah, you're right.

In comparison to his tummy.

How about instead of Phil Margero, it's Phil Margina?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, okay, I guess kind of similar to Phil Margera.

I take it back.

Come on, Bam.

Don't film me with cum.

Come on, Bam.

Come on, Cream, Bam.

Don't make me into a cream pie.

Cream pie, your dad, Bam.

Come on.

But, Dad, it's in your name.

Dad, your name is Phil Magina.

Phil Magina.

Come on, Bam.

Don't come in, my pussy.

Yeah, you're watching Viva LeBang with Bang Magina.

Bang Magina.

That's awesome.

His name is Bang now.

And his dad is Phil Mygina.

Bang Mygina.

And here's my mother, April Mygina.

Her name is still April.

And Don Don Vita.

Don Vita.

And Vag himself.

Vag himself.

Yep, that's right.

And then.

Ryan, come.

Ryan

Vagina.

Ryan, you done filled up my pussy with Ryan Dunn.

Yeah.

Ryan Dunn filled my pussy up with cum.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

That's right.

Oh, yeah.

That is correct.

That makes me cum on my pants.

Dude, fuck.

Yeah, fuck how dark it's about to get.

Yeah, it's already.

I really don't fuck with this.

It's 4.30 right now, and the sun is down.

Such as.

This is fucked up.

Sad winter day.

Such is bust.

Winter absolutely sucks my dick.

Ashes, bust.

Winter absolutely sucks my dick.

I agree.

I'm a summer man.

I mean, fall is the best.

We got to do this again, dude.

We got to go to Puerto Rico in February.

Puerto Rico, January.

Puerto Rico.

And for the super special listeners, we'll be having a secret show in Puerto Rico.

I don't know if we will.

We're selling two tickets, and you can't look at us.

You cannot have big tits.

You have to be facing

Toronto.

It's got to be a hot girl, big tits, and you got to fuck us.

That's the secret show of the secret show.

It's getting fucked in the Airbnb.

Yeah, you got to fly yourself to Airbnb.

Going from room to room in the Airbnb.

Yes.

And then afterwards, we're going to the jungle they got there.

And then we're having dinner in San Juan.

And we're all going out to San Juan for some time.

I guess we could just get three girls instead of sharing the same girl.

Yeah, we're having a secret show where three girls come with us to Puerto Rico, and we pretend pretend to be in a relationship for a weekend.

That sounds awesome.

And we don't do the podcast.

No, no, we still got to do the podcast.

We still do the podcast, but we're doing a secret show where we all

fuck you.

All three of us pretend to be in relationships as women for about a year.

That's too long.

And we never really commit to.

Just a weekend is fine.

We never really commit to the relationship and you've lost the ability to feel any connection.

Yep, and you're one year closer to your 40s when you look back.

And you're just turning into one of those guys that you just like

just disgusted you.

Yeah.

When you were 25 years old.

One of those guys that you would look at and be like, well, at least.

One of those guys you'd like to be that fucking loser.

You develop target fixation on, and you said, oh, please, God, no.

As you inch closer and closer, like you're on one of those

conveyor belts at an airport.

And you just drift through life.

That's correct.

Listening to elevator music while you become that guy.

I can't wait.

And that's the secret show.

Yep.

Which sounds pretty good.

I would like to get some Puerto Rican pussy in Puerto Rico.

That would be cool.

Yeah, I wouldn't if I were I like that secret shows are actually they'd have to be secrets now'cause they're illegal.

That's true.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not doing any shows till it's outside again.

Oh yeah, me too.

Out of uh

you know, concern for the virus.

Yeah, I'm back to being scared about the virus.

Yeah.

But it'd be cool if we could get like a secret show, like your own secret show.

Why are you back to being scared about it?

Because the numbers are going on?

Yeah, yeah.

But it's not a different virus.

No, I know, because of the numbers.

That's it.

And it was in flu season, shit gets more, I don't know.

Just ba essentially just'cause of the numbers.

I'm not real worried because New York is not anything like South Dakota or North Dakota or wherever the fuck it's really the put you know, everyone's getting their dick hard over there.

But I'll probably just

get back home,

try and get jacked in my house.

I mean, I don't really, I'm at the point now where it's like you, there's no reason to look at the world and say, this isn't the way it should be, and think you have any ability to make it the way you want.

So you should just look at the world and say, this is the way that it is.

How can I

ignore it and fuck off?

Yeah,

you should.

That's what I'm saying.

I'm going to.

You should have sex sex in the N95.

No, no.

Listen, I just don't want to be in, like, at parties or indoors with a lot of people.

I'll hang out with a few people and I will absolutely get pussy through this.

That's one thing I will not.

I'm not willing to sacrifice.

That's

getting top.

I can go about a week before I start getting very horny.

And I need to get some fucking Muffa Ditch.

Muffa Duchliani.

But, you know

am i gonna fucking

and should i be doing shows in december probably not is my thought process my sexuality now is i got one of this little wind up teeth thing with the feet on the bottom

i have that guy eat my ass

and just put my ass up on my desk and i have that guy

that sounds awesome

Are you jacking off or do you do you just slowly cut?

No, that's all I want, dude.

I just want a little

woodpecker.

A little piece of teeth eating dentures.

Just chomping at my ass.

The actual hole?

Yeah.

Nice.

Just pulled up.

Has it done any damage?

Sounds hot.

I want one of those little woodpeckers from The Simpsons where he's drinking water, and I want that to dip into my ass.

That's cool.

Every once in a while.

Adam, what about you?

What kind of toy do you want to fuck you in the ass?

What would I want to fuck me in the ass?

Or eat your ass.

Someone I always loved.

Really?

Yeah.

Is that why you're talking about how much you love?

Nice one, bro.

Guys.

Earlier.

Do you remember that nick?

Quick on the draw.

Whatever you're talking about.

You just had that.

Whatever the time was.

Whatever I'm being asked to agree with.

I definitely.

Goddamn.

Christmas time, I'm gay.

Dude, I can't believe Christmas.

Suck my dick and fuck my ass because

I'm gay.

I wonder.

Suck me off.

I wonder what this week is going to be like in New York City.

It's my favorite week of the year.

No fucking movie theaters.

Christmas.

New Year's Week is the best week of the year.

I'm really going to miss movies.

There's no movie theaters.

Yeah.

It's probably going to suck.

Taking ass and watching Star Wars last year was the best Christmas.

The city is empty.

Yeah.

I took movie theaters for granted.

It shows me before this pandemic how I just didn't do shit ever.

I did nothing.

I lost.

I lost nothing.

I had no friends, no fucking life whatsoever.

I did nothing.

That's so fucking funny.

I just fucking like work out and eat lunch and maybe watch a movie or read a book once a week.

And that's it.

Yeah, dude.

So in many ways, you run a female.

Are you going to start living for the first time?

When?

When it's over.

What do you mean, when it's over?

You get a vaccine or whatever.

Nope.

Nah, he's staying.

He's doing this shit.

I'm not getting the vaccine.

Kamala Harris already said we should not get the vaccine.

She did?

In the debates.

She said

under no circumstance should anyone get the vaccine.

That's right.

That's right.

She definitely did say that.

Yeah.

No, she did say that.

If Donald Trump says a vaccine, I'm not taking it.

Which was stupid.

If she says that the vaccine is like, oh,

if it's a vaccine that Donald Trump promotes, she would not take it.

That's weird.

That's smart.

You think it's smart?

Yeah.

Why?

Because it would make him so happy if she took it.

And it really hurt his feelings if he didn't.

It was filled with cum.

I made cum and I made her take it.

And

now she's got my cum in her brain.

They injected it into her brain.

And she actually, she was the one.

She said, Oh, this is true.

Don't ask her.

Don't ask her.

Anything she's she's lying now because of the way the cum has affected her brain.

But I tricked her.

She was tricked.

And she's got my juice in her body.

So I'm getting the vaccine and I'm gonna go to Greece oh yeah I'm getting that fucking motherfucker

I want to travel I want to I want to fucking I want to travel too I want to do a fucking US tour do this summer basically every city I'm just gonna start falsifying my vaccination records and then do that too

your mother strikes me as someone that didn't vaccinate her kids

Oh, is that

my mom who you've never met?

That's everything that I know about her.

Putting the pieces together.

Yeah, it's weird.

Your father strikes me as similar.

Guy who sucks.

Had sex with your ass.

That's crazy because he strikes me as that too.

Yeah.

Sorry, I shouldn't have said anything about your mom.

Yeah.

Yeah, you shouldn't have.

Well, his mom strikes me as somebody who sucked my dick also.

Oh, my God, dude.

So that's, if we're talking about what

our moms strike each other with.

Thanks for.

You actually, it's funny, you actually strike me as a guy who also sucks.

Oh, I don't know.

Hold on, I'm being stricken right now

by a vision of Adam.

A vision of you giving a guy a head in the dress, in a little pink, that strawberry dress everybody was talking about.

Yeah.

You were wearing that.

No, I've been vaccinated.

So you were fucking

back too.

Although I never got the follow-up vaccines for hepatitis, and I had to get that done when I was like 25.

Because

I got my blood test on that.

Do you get that when you're a kid?

You get it hepatitis vaccine I think you have to get it to like go to college or something yeah that's that's probably why I never got it right

I don't think I got any shots for college

but the at the time I had a Chinese welfare doctor and she was like oh you don't uh no hepatitis

I was like oh and then I got those done nice nice I used to love welfare doctors actually you know what I should I should hit up that office because if they knew I didn't have

your records they might have my records but like good luck what do i google chinatown doctor

what if you get all your full records you find out new things about yourself like what i don't know like you have different parents or something because that's not how those work it'd be kind of cool dude who do you think your parents are adam who would you wish your parents were it's two women

two black women yeah psych yeah diamond and silk or diamond and silk

those are two bad bitches right there.

Yeah, what if

I'm trying to get my balls sucked by diamond and my nut and

my nuts licked, I'm sorry, by diamond and my dick sucked by silk.

And then I bust.

I wonder what they're going to do now that

when Trump isn't the president anymore.

What do you mean?

Diamond and silk?

Yeah.

But what do you mean you wonder what they're going to do?

They're going to get like a residency somewhere.

They're finally going to be on their lunch break, which is the thing they've wanted more.

They've skipped their lunch break for years.

Those women

for four years.

Those women, first time in history, have been showing up right at 9 a.m.

Damn.

With their hard hats on, ready to get to work.

Yeah.

I am not on my lunch break.

While Donald Trump is president, you have my solemn vow that I am never on break.

January 21st,

2021.

They're hitting the vending machine, hot fire Cheetos.

That's right.

As much as you can handle.

Sprite remix.

That's right.

You have their own private stock.

Yeah,

they're getting a cabin up here.

Yep, being on break.

They're going to go on break.

Diamond and Zilk are going to get a cabin

eating the hot fries.

Eating hot caps, Andy Caps hot fries.

Hot fries.

Grow their nails out.

Absolutely.

Yeah, their nails are now 17 inches long.

They're picking up hot fire Cheetos from the other side of the room.

Ooh, girl.

It's the Cheeto.

She reaches 17 feet to the other side of the room, grabs a Cheeto out of a tiny bag, and then as the Cheeto makes its way across the 25 feet of the room, she goes, girl,

all the way over the girl.

The whole time.

Yep.

And that's being operating.

Man,

that shitty little piece of watermelon on the plane on the way to Australia.

Still the hardest I've laughed at.

It's the hardest I've ever laughed.

That's pretty good.

Yeah, it was.

We should go back to Australia.

I know Stav doesn't want to.

I don't really want to that much.

I would go, but it's just such a fucking,

you know, so far away.

Yeah.

What if we got a private jet?

Sure.

What if we got a boat that you could be in a relationship with?

I don't want that.

Like a large ship.

Again, is there girls I can fuck on the boat?

Oh, I forgot how this hypothetical worked.

Because

I'll marry it.

What?

He shouldn't have given him that he's allowed to have have sex with the girls on his boat.

Of course I am.

What the fuck?

How do I fuck a ship, bro?

The stern.

No.

The sails.

First of all, he's not giving me anything.

I choose my wife.

He's offering me a different style of wife.

Are you still hard?

I'm not still hard.

I lost my erection.

Fucking loser.

I'm torqued up.

My dick is hard.

What percentage of in the middle of the night when you're sleeping is your penis hard?

Pretty hard.

Is that just how it is?

I think in your sleep it recharges.

For real.

Your dick is recharging, dude.

It's not fair if you can't get it hard when you're awake, but it's tell me about it.

It's hard when you're asleep.

It's like God is laughing at you.

That's a mean prank.

I would like to get my dick sucked in my sleep, though.

So in the off chance, you're getting your dick sucked in your sleep, God

has

your back.

But it's not like a sexy builder.

It's like a P builder.

It can be pretty fucking you can get it sexy, but it's like it can be pretty nice.

Yeah.

I've only been woken up to get head once in my life, and that's something I really would like to fix the numbers on.

I would love to be awoken, getting my dick slurped.

Yeah.

That's cool.

That would be really tight.

That's one one of my favorite stuff things to have happen.

Getting jacked away.

That's pretty nice, too.

Maybe we should all go in on a Cinnabon franchise.

I'm listening.

Yeah.

This is the first investment thing you've said that I'm 100% on board with.

Yeah.

I would love to just.

We should use them.

No time for donuts.

We do it after dinner, dude.

What do you mean after dinner?

Don't crack donuts now.

We got special donuts from somewhere?

Will

us donuts.

From where?

Don't crack cider from me.

Nick's going to have them all.

Will showing us what real friendship is.

What are you talking about?

We don't really know.

We think it's all about

Will is showing you what real friendship is.

Contempt.

Why are you laser laser?

You're staring into my soul while you're telling me Will doesn't have my dad.

I'm with my glasses on and it's dark.

I can't see anything.

Well, it looks like you have laser sights on me.

No, what you're feeling is energy.

Guess what kind of donuts?

Apple cider.

Apple cider donuts.

Did I guess it first, also?

Did I say it first?

So I've got a little bit.

I think I said it first.

I said it first.

Don't try.

Don't try.

I said it first.

Well, we'll see about that.

No, we already saw him, and I said it first.

When you listen back to this, it'll be always happening.

Oh,

we'll check that later.

That's fine.

For everyone at home, just know he doctored the tape.

I don't know how to doctor anything.

Yeah, you do.

Who's showing somebody the picture of their cock and it's mic?cock.pst.

Yeah, yeah.

It was Eric Clapton.

No, I don't think it was.

Well, I think it might have been, yeah.

I think it was Eric Clapton.

Eric Clapton using Photoshop

to show off.

Again, just go listen to that episode.

It's honestly the only episode

there is.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was worth it the four years of this show.

Yeah, it feels like it just to arrive at that moment.

Yeah, yeah,

especially because your dick is small.

Yeah, let's have a moment of silence for

the Eric's penis

for Adam's penis for being so small.

Damn, that food smells so good.

I know.

How long do you think it'll take Will's making a bowl in this?

Three hours?

Have a little some snacks.

I guess

I guess my comments about Will knowing what friendship is.

Fuck Will.

Yeah, Will.

How dare he?

Will can go to a little place I like to call gay hell.

Oh, we're going to need a drink.

That's so true.

Yeah, exactly.

And not those donuts.

Because that's the dessert.

It's dessert.

You're such a man of restraint.

I'm not.

I just want to go crazy in a certain way.

You're like an older Buddhist monk meditating.

I'm a drug addict who knows the order that he likes to take his drugs in.

That's true.

And if somebody fucks it up for me, I get fucked up.

You like to start off with the upper and then wind down with an.

I do.

Donut is definitely a downer.

Yeah.

Damn.

Ice cream?

Should we get ice cream?

I can't wait to have it.

Let's go get a vanilla ice cream.

Pluto.

Where the fuck do we get ice cream from?

Does anyone know where to get peanut butter for my dog?

I'm trying to help him take medicine.

Well, it's a dick pill.

It's a dick.

The dog is going to fuck me in the ass.

What I'm trying to get at here is I, Mickey Mouse, ha,

want to make Pluto suck my dick.

Oh, I thought maybe.

Get it?

You get fucked in the ass by Pluto.

So here's the premise.

The Mickey Mouse show I first pitched in 1919 to

some of my friends at Walt Disney Studios.

Okay.

At the time, I was just a mouse.

Yeah.

You were Steamboat Willie, weren't you?

Not yet.

I was just a mouse.

And I said, the idea for the show is I work on a steamboat, but I have a dog

who sucks my cock.

Oh, wow.

And they said, maybe there's like a cat or something that is your boss.

And I said, all right, fine.

I'll do one for you, one for me.

One for me.

And eventually, when we, you know, we get to.

But if this does numbers, I want a dog that sucks my dick.

We're getting a dog that sucks me off.

And then they came up with goofy.

And'cause goofy used to mean queer.

Because back then queer meant, you know, you were...

He was just a goofy kind of guy.

He was like a dandy or something.

Queer meant goofy, and goofy meant queer.

They swapped.

And they switched them, you know, like pink and blue back in Victorian time.

Right.

And so Goofy was supposed to be a gay man who's a dog.

And I said, I don't want to get my dick sucked by a gay guy.

I want it to be a dog sucking my dick.

They said, okay, well,

I don't know if we can really get away with that.

And I came up with the idea for Pluto,

which had been a recently discovered planet at this point.

Right.

So it was hot.

It was hot.

Hot.

Pluto was a hot idea.

Pluto was on fire back then.

Pluto.

It's me.

And that's where I came up with my idea for 12 rules for life.

You're like a self-help guy.

I thought you were Mickey Mouse, but it turns out

you are Mickey Mouse.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

That's right.

He does love cartoons.

I love cartoons.

He cries about Pinocchio.

They're going to change the cartoon so it's not Mickey getting his dick sucked by Pluto.

They wanted to be Mickey and Goofy in a relationship together.

That's disgusting as far as I'm concerned.

Two men being gay is gross

and not as funny as a man getting his dick sucked by a dog.

What Marxists want.

And although it is funny, we will admit that, it is not as funny as getting your dick sucked by a dog.

They want to force pronouns on us.

Instead of everybody being a mouse or maybe like a duck that doesn't wear pants.

I'm gay.

I'm Dad.

I'm Donald, the gay dog.

I want to see Donald Duck.

Let me ask you this, Mr.

Zijak.

How come we can't see Donald Duck's penis?

That's a good question.

That's what Marxists want.

They don't want

you and other Marxists.

They don't want...

Sorry, I did not do my due diligence, and I did not know that Zhizhak and Donald Duck were two different people.

I was under the impression that you were a pantsless duck and that I was a mouse that gets his dick sucked by a dog.

Do you think anyone with that specific speech impediment has gotten more pussy than Zhizhak?

What do you mean?

With like a...

Yeah.

Yeah, probably.

Yeah, I guess.

He doesn't get pussy.

I don't think that would prohibit someone from getting pussy.

But yeah, Zijak.

I don't think so.

Zijak.

He has had to say.

Eat my ass, Bucco.

Jordan, that's not very nice.

Hostila Vista, Bucco.

Didn't JP get a coronavirus?

Who knows if he's even alive?

No, he was like...

His daughters killed him.

He went to rehab.

He was selling his organs.

He He went to rehab for meat?

Yeah, he went to rehab for like fucking clonopin addiction.

Klonopin and only he only ate meat.

Yeah, but I don't think that'll send you to wrong.

Unseasoned meats.

I think like

you can

like, I think humans are pretty resilient.

You can live off like there's a Chinese guy that just eats like airplane parts and motor oil.

Yep.

We're pretty cool in that regard that you can basically eat anything.

A lot of people don't know that.

That's true.

I don't know.

Well, look at Stop.

Stav eats food.

I eat food.

Yeah, that's a bad example.

Anything.

He doesn't eat poo and

food.

It's like, oh, that guy, Stav, loves to eat anything.

He eats glasses.

He eats doors.

I've never eaten poo.

I've never eaten anything.

He eats curtains.

I've never done that.

He drive up food.

We've been feeding him now.

He doesn't even like all foods.

He's got very strong opinions on what foods he likes.

I think I might be maybe misremembering, but I do recall on the 4th of July, Stav ate all the firecrackers.

I never thought of it.

That is true.

And then they exploded out of his ass.

Necessity.

Dude, that 4th of July we had a couple years ago when it was

you invited a bunch of people over and no one came.

That was not even what happened.

I invited like five people over.

And no one showed up because...

It was me, you, Peter Mooth.

It was out of

Peter Mooth didn't show up.

We had to go to Peter Mooth's apartment to use his roof to take naked pictures of you.

And then he came over for sausage.

No, me and you had the whole morning to ourselves and we ate sausage on the balcony and then after that we went over and took naked pictures of you on Peter Muth's roof.

I feel like Peter Muth was there while we were grilling.

No, I have pictures of that day.

I was involved in a few of the early photo shoots.

I remember.

Yeah.

But the point is

he was there.

He was there at some point.

Peter Muth was there.

That's when he busted out that fucking crystal impression.

Oh yeah.

Crystal.

Crystal?

Yeah.

Come over here, show that of your pussy.

One of the greatest formulas for an impression is the same line over and over again.

Just changing the white trash name at the beginning.

Hell yeah.

Crystal?

Go ahead and suck my ass.

Yeah,

I don't want to do this whole bit.

All right.

Well, we shouldn't all be on our phone.

Well, now how do you guys know what it feels like?

I'm never on my phone.

You're on your phone right now.

I'm always actively listening.

What are you looking at on your phone?

He's looking at,

is it healthy to eat curtains?

I've never eaten curtains.

Yeah, you seem a little on edge ever since we brought up the question.

Just have looking at

MyFitnessPal, and he's like, typing in

the particle board.

And he's like, fuck.

It's not even on it.

I've been eating MDF, dude.

I'm not Google searching chocolate curtains, that's for sure.

I'm not looking that way.

There being B guy being like, oh, why are all the piano keys missing?

Did somebody eat all the piano keys?

Did somebody think the black piano keys were licorice?

Yeah, he thinks anything brown is chocolate.

You can't have brown around him.

I got something nice and brown for you.

Yeah.

My asshole.

My delicious little asshole.

Your unwiped asshole.

Yeah, he ate the lawn.

Yeah.

He went out there and he ate all the firewood.

He thought it was chocolate.

He thought it was chocolate.

I did.

It looks kind of like chocolate.

Oh,

salamoon.

well i guess we'll have to make a pot of coffee here

yeah

nice dinner and then uh and then enjoy enjoy your new year's guys it's we love you thank you for another year thank you for another year hopefully if it's getting your dicks up it's an easy year and at the very least this show will continue to get worse and worse yep but you'll have something

to you'll have something to listen to twice a week probably and you could listen to

old ones over again.

On Patreon, especially.

On patreon.com slash Come Town, you have access to over 200 episodes that are behind a page.

That's right.

2020.

This was supposed to be the last year of the show, but the world

made that impossible.

Yeah, it made it so now there is no alternative.

You literally cannot do anything else.

Other than podcasts.

Yeah, you can do it.

Or sex worker.

Or get fucked on OnlyFans.

Yeah.

and you don't necessarily even have to get more honor in that sometimes.

You don't have to get fucked you can get

a lot of fun.

Or play with your pussy.

Playwithit.com.

Play pussy station.

Play pussy.

Come on.

Play pussy.

Come on, Bam.

Don't play with my pussy.

Play pussy.

Why fuck you playing with my pussy, Bam?

Play pussy.

Play pussy.

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