Ep. 237 – Roddendirty

At the UPS store, we understand the importance of a first impression.

That's why we're here to help you put your best foot forward and be unstoppable with our printing services.

With high-quality paper stock options,

banners, business cards, menus, and more, we make sure your small business stands out and your message reaches the masses.

After all, we're the one-stop print-that-pop store.

Most locations are independently owned.

Products, services, prices, and hours of operation may vary.

See Center for Details.

The UPS Store, Be Unstoppable.

Come into your local store today and get your print on.

Ready to buy a car, a home, or just want to take control of your money?

Your FICO score matters, and 90% of top lenders use it to make decisions.

Check your FICO score for free today without hurting your credit score.

Visit myfico.com/slash free or download the MyFICO app today.

My FICO gives you the score lenders use most, plus credit reports and real-time alerts to help keep you on top of your credit.

Visit myfico.com/slash free and take the mystery out of your FICO score.

This is the real ass podcast with Dave Gomez.

Oh, they're merged.

The Republican ass

progress.

Podgrass would mave movement.

Yeah, or did I mean, yeah.

What if I just had a stroke?

That'd be awesome.

What if I just forgot how to speak?

And then we were just like, all right, dude, just for an hour.

Come on.

Yeah, we need.

Are you okay?

Are you having a stroke?

Your fans I need you.

I'm too lazy to speak normal.

I dare you.

I'm too lazy to.

Like the way babies sometimes.

You ever fucking see that?

A babies trying to do the.

When they try to talk, it's very cute.

They do the fucking, like, they do the rhythms of talking.

They try to talk about it.

That bad, that bad.

They are awesome.

So cute.

Yeah, goo-goo fucking gaga over there.

Smoking a cigar or having a C section.

Shit, we should get cigars.

Yeah, we should.

I'm trying to smoke a fucking stogue.

You fuck with stogies?

Come on, man.

I had one nice cigar once, and it made sense why people used them.

Someone had a Cubano that someone's

they stole from someone's dad.

When?

Over the summer.

This summer?

Yeah.

Wow, look at you.

Not bad.

Smoking Cubans, and you didn't even tell us.

I didn't know that.

I don't know.

I've never been a cigar man.

In high school, I used to smoke black and mild.

Everybody did.

And I thought that that was luxury.

Black and mild swisher sweets.

I thought it was, that's how.

That's how Caribbean businessmen enjoyed their afternoons.

Yeah, we've been over this, the wooden tip.

That was luxury, the black and mild wooden tip.

Yeah, you feel like Hunter S.

Thompson.

Did they say plastic?

No, but that's what I'm saying.

They had like an upscale version that had a wooden tip.

Oh, I never had that.

You never had that?

Oh, a broke fucking idiot.

A woodland creature would smoke.

Exactly.

Like a fat little squirrel.

Some kind of, yeah, some kind of like goat pedophile.

Oh, no.

Not the goat pedophile.

Not the goat pedophile.

He'd blow into his pan flute and smoke his wood tip to black and mild and then lure children into the wood.

Why?

No, it was just horny for regular women.

You should get goat legs.

That's what I was imagining.

Me.

Gustav is Puck.

Puck?

From Midsummer's Night Dream?

Yeah, Midsummer's Tight Cream.

Midsummer's

Tight Peen.

Midsummer's Tight Jeans.

And it's a bunch of Shakespearean guys

wearing very tight jeans.

You can see their balls.

Doth thou see my penis?

Doth thou see my prints?

My lines, my outlines.

My luscious and

salubrious outlines shall dance upon my thigh and trace down the piss as it runs

as it stains dark my blue jeans

dye dark with the stains of urine as they make their way down my constricted and turgid tight legs

and into my ankles

and and it fills my shoes with the scent and weight of a thousand pisses and

the piss of autumn and I don't have to look at Shakespeare.

That's good.

You did very well.

And doth thou eyes present to me a picture of a big pair of tits that I may get

that I may find myself completely erect inside my tight jeans.

And the jeans, the pressure,

they shall make me come, I dare say.

And I shall bust.

And I hath busted.

In mine jeans.

How bust now,

there, good sir.

How bust now, good sir, upon my visage

upon my visage.

Thou busteth in pleasure,

thou bustest in sin, thou bustest in duty.

And thou leave thy bust upon my lips,

upon mine ass cheeks, upon mine ass cheeks to dry

And peel it off like Elmer's glue and to dry in the d in the in the brisk breath of Uncle Winter's disdain for our

for our devilish tryst

of the mates of gender

shall he do say the good lord this is an abomination this is disgusting mine eyes mine eyes fell upon the the dried bust, peeled off like paper mache.

And shall I say when my one eye, chapter twelve.

Yeah, do you

the confessions of St.

Augustine, chapter twelve?

O good Lord, when you look down upon me as I bend at the knee and hip to receive thine good graces upon my puckered anus

my eyes shall fall upon my reflection in the spittoon as I've bent over like a bovine in repose waiting for the load of the Lord

to wash upon my anus and dry out the sins of defecation

left as flex

morsels upon

my hemorrhic

my hemorrhic lines of swollen vascularity around my aims,

each one representing

hidden desires buried deep in me, O Lord, and I took your grace into my ass.

Into mine own ass, I hath become fucked.

Into mine own ass, O Lord, I confess I have never felt such girth and pleasure

as brought to me by the Lord Lord

as each knot of the rosary entered my body.

I.

St.

Augustine's diaries were discovered after his execution of homosexuality.

Chapter 13, San Francisco.

And fifteen of thou men shared a van where we lived and fucked, oh Lord.

And I knew that the gas tank was filled, not just.

Hey, Argy, you still doing your gay-ass little fucking girl?

I'll break my book!

Get the fuck out!

Come on, yo!

Come on, yo!

The fucking Ravens is playing yo with that gay shit.

We can hear you from in here, yo.

And my roommate from Dundalk then would yell at me, and I would tell him I am busy

testifying to the grace of the Lord.

Yeah, he's in there doing some gay shit.

He says, He thinks he's having sex with God, yo.

I don't know, man.

But the thing is, when he's asleep, we fucking rob him, so it don't even fucking matter.

He's rich or some shit.

I got his debit card.

I got pictures of his debit card.

He was dead.

He was doing ketamine in the middle of the day.

The Confessions of St.

Augustine, chapter 14.

And one time I got hard at Suncoast Video

looking at a novelty t-shirt of Stewie Griffin, and I thought I got lost.

I thought to myself, shall what

do I confess?

The scene of homosexuality or pedophilia, or does it not matter?

Because

Stewie's presentation is so far removed from that of

an actual human at all, that it could just be the Lord's grace of artistic divinity.

And what I experienced was not sexual attraction to a forbidden class,

more so an appreciation for mankind's gift of art

that channels through

basically

what I'm getting at.

I get it, yeah.

Do you?

Yeah.

Then why don't we let's go ahead and say even one thing contribute to your side

to let

my dear friend

for just for once maybe possibly.

Even the ones.

No,

he was just saying that.

Oh, so not only are you not going to be a part of the bit, you're going to mid-bit explain it.

I don't know why I said I get it, but I felt him on that.

Not that he actually...

Because you've gotten hard at pictures of babies.

No, but he was getting hard at man's accomplishment.

Right.

What happened when we were driving?

We passed by that skiing.

Oh, yeah, the

ski resort.

No, come on.

Is it Catamount?

Catamount.

I said, I've heard that name before.

Oh, yeah, I've heard it.

I know about that.

No, it was like, what was

Catamount?

Is a ski resort, is what Nick said.

And then you said, I know, I've heard the name before.

Yeah, that's not a skinny.

No, I walked by.

It's clearly a ski.

There's fucking slopes.

Right.

I'm like, oh, shit, we could be skiing right now.

Right.

If there was any snow.

And then

you said after that, oh, that's a ski ski resort yeah catamount

i've heard of that

no i've heard the name before

not even i've heard of the place i've heard that referred to before

i've heard that name what an awesome thing to brag about

um

yeah no that i mean i have some i have some notes here All I have is stick another dick, stick another dick, oh, here it is.

Stick another dick, stick another dick in my ass some gay.

That's what I got for this episode.

Your notes from lunch.

I also have the door doesn't close, you have to lock it, which is what you said after

you left the front door wide open.

Can we address something from lunch, Nick?

What's that?

Okay, when the old man dropped his $20 bill, and I said, sir.

Hold on, I'm dealing with something right now.

All right.

Fucking bullshit.

Stick another dick.

Ba-bom, ba-bum.

An old man dropped $20

outside of the French sandwich place.

Mm-hmm.

Why don't we wait till Nick is done?

No, you can go ahead because now I gotta.

Well, I was just gonna sing another game.

No, no, I wanted to address.

I wanted to address.

You can go ahead and address it all you want.

I wanted to address your snickering, and I wanted you to finally explain to me why it was so funny.

Oh, that I told the old man.

Sir, you dropped

$20.

He'd already bent over and he was touching it.

That's not true.

That wasn't true.

You're chilling that Adam was checking it.

Sir, you dropped your.

That is true.

I watched it and it was stupid.

No, he dropped it.

I said, sir, you dropped $20.

He was already bending down.

Yeah, you're underplaying.

Well, he's an old guy.

I would have picked it up and then maybe taken a founder's fee or something.

No, no, you would have just gotten the points for being a good guy.

Yeah.

You were mad that he stole your good guy.

He was an old man.

And I don't think he recognized that he dropped $20.

People drop things all the time.

And he's already retrieving it.

He wasn't.

He's already retrieving it.

I said it it before okay how about this do you think if you hadn't said anything it would have changed the way that man behaved

i didn't know that he had known no the answer is no it was a completely gratuitous

um

uh what's the word i'm looking for gratuitous declaration of dropping uh announcement of dropping um i was just trying to be polite

hold on what's what's a good word gratuitous

I don't know what you're trying to say.

If you tell somebody something.

What is it called when you...

Announcement?

Maybe announcement.

A gratuitous announcement of dropping his...

There's still some other word that I'm looking for.

The point is...

The point is, I said, sir, you dropped $20, and then Nick snickered at me.

Because it was full of money.

And then had to turn around.

He was already touching the money he wasn't already touching the money yeah he was no i said it to him before he meant that it really at him but he had at as an impartial observer who didn't laugh at you but in my head quietly thought that was fucking gay uh i can't quietly you thought it was quietly to myself without making with unless somebody somebody had to make a big deal of it and look make nick look like he was in the wrong whereas maybe should he have laughed audibly maybe not because maybe the old man thought he was laughing at him but did you deserve to be laughed at sure absolutely.

Well, I spoke to the old man later and I said, don't, I just want to let you know that my friend was laughing at me, not at you.

No, you didn't.

Yeah, I did.

When?

After Nick went to the W at E.B.

Dubois rare book shop.

It was closed.

So you're lying, because I tried to go there.

I tried to go there, too.

All three of us tried to go into the game.

I tried to go first.

Fellas, leave your dick in my ass.

I'm really fucking gay and I want to have sex.

Destiny's child.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

Fellas, if you dig in my ass,

is it Du Bois or Du Bois?

I think either way.

Either way.

WE B Dubois.

WE B Dubois.

Adam D.

Friedland Does Boys.

Yeah.

It's pretty good.

Thank you.

Fellas, if you dig in my ass.

I'm fucking horny and I'm also and I also happen to be gay.

Ladies and man at home.

The club is full of ballers and their pockets full of grown.

That song pisses me off.

Why?

It's like

go out and cheat, ladies.

Cheat as long as the guys have money.

If they have more money than your boy.

Then it ain't cheating.

If the dick is of a higher tax bracket, then you're

once told me

that men with more money are of a higher caliber, higher caliber, more worthy.

And that's what that's what the feminists always have your head on a swivel because pussy, all pussy knows is trading up to that next cock that's going to be his paycheck, right?

And also, in that other song, they had when they said automobiles, that's not a word.

Can you suck my dick?

Can you suck my little last dick?

Can you suck my dick?

Can you suck my little ass dick?

I forget.

I only know key parts of their songs, but not the whole thing.

I hate this shit, dude.

Just do it after the show.

No, I gotta do it now.

I gotta send this fucking email now just because it's almost the end of the workday.

I don't think you do, man.

Can you suck my dick?

Can you suck my little last dick?

Yeah, they, of course, had another hit, the survivor song.

I have a penis, but it is very, but it is so small.

Everyone hates it when I pull it out.

I have have

now I got the littlest dick that you've seen.

Everybody doesn't want to suck it because it's green.

Okay, my dick is fucking ugly and it smells like shit.

Everybody hates when they have to suck it.

I have a small dick, nobody likes it.

I'm going to fuck some other guys now because I am gay and my dick is small.

I don't want pussy.

I am a homo.

Oftentimes, the songs are are about how a man is forced into homosexuality because of

the fact that his penis is too small.

What are we talking about?

Which I don't think is how it happens.

That's part of the joke.

We're talking about Michael Juice?

Yeah, Michael Juice.

We're talking about St.

Augustine.

Oh,

John Foul.

Jonathan, show me your penis.

Everybody.

What's the big deal about St.

Augustine?

He's like Christian, but

I don't feel like philosophical or something.

I don't fucking know.

What the fuck?

You're asking me some fucking stupid

theology.

The only thing I know about God and shit like that is that

in Greek Orthodoxy,

Santa is actually Saint Vasilios.

It's not Saint Nick.

That's

Ayos Vasilis.

That's the only thing you know about God?

That's the only thing I remember that.

Santa has a different name.

Santa has a different name in the Greek,

you know, whatever.

Uh-huh.

What did he wear?

Like a red

shit?

Same.

We just call him Saint-He lived in the North Pole also.

We just call him Saint Billy.

I don't know the fuck.

I hear Vasilis.

Vasili is like Bill.

He has the same origin story and everything?

I don't fucking know, dude.

You didn't ask?

No, I forgot.

Does he have elves?

I guess.

I just know he has a different name.

I don't think he's either one of them, honestly.

Saint Nick in Greek Orthodoxy is just a guy that was good at speeches.

I think he was like Turkish or from Asia Minor or some shit.

Oh, that's whack.

I think every Christian, every saint, every early saint was Middle Eastern.

Yeah.

The whole Bible is just in that line.

Jesus was Middle Eastern.

Yeah, I'm going to pause this for a second because I have to bitch about something that I don't know.

Okay.

And we're back.

And we're back.

Jesus.

I tell you, being a businessman,

hardest job in the world.

It's difficult.

Being a small business owner.

Being a fucking small business owner.

It is funny because they should call it, instead of small, the word should be pretend.

Yeah, fake business owner.

Yeah.

Because a lot of being a small business owner is like, I got to go to Staples.

I'm going to have to buy a Stapler.

I'm going to have to justify.

I'm going to have to get a website I don't need that no one will use and and spend three weeks.

Unless you own like a restaurant or something.

Yeah.

That's a real business.

You own a diner.

You own a diner, you got to fucking harass the app kit.

We should move up here and all just have failing businesses.

That would be awesome.

We should try to start something.

Walker your podcast money through.

Yeah, because it's illegal to have a podcast.

Well, it will be

the way we're going to do it.

The way we do it, folks.

Officer Kamala is not going to be doing that.

Welcome to the describing a child's penis podcast.

Just in the Supreme Court.

Yeah.

Where they're like,

you know, at a certain point, the description becomes so vivid that it basically is child porn to a blind person.

It's a joke, Your Honor.

Wouldn't it be funny if someone did actually do this?

Yeah.

Is why they're laughing.

It's comedy.

And so what?

Blind people aren't allowed to have a laugh.

They're not allowed to cry.

They're not allowed to love

didn't we just go through this with deaf people in this very court that's right

the highest in the land the most supreme of courts heard the case of the deaf guy laughing at his own penis versus the government versus the people versus the people the deaf guy

uh what would a deaf i guess they would just look at child pornography yeah but the sound was off your honor

it's only half It's only half a crime.

It's only half a crime.

That's true.

Is it a crime to listen to it?

I would think

imagine you're a blind pedophile and you're just like, you got headphones on.

You're like, yes.

Probably a pedophile.

Other pedophiles, you're like, Mike doesn't know how lucky he has it.

The ultimate loophole.

Just a lubed-up baby.

Those sounds.

I bet you it's, it probably still would be illegal, but it probably wouldn't be illegal to do like a radio play version of it where you just have a fake someone crying and then like a pocket pussy getting fucked by a cucumber.

Well, Nick was saying he wants to do a radio play.

That might be our whole new that might be our whole next demographic.

Describe of childhood

radio play.

I drove to the school.

I would love to be I would love to be like the fucking Gideon versus Wainwright

of

the visual descriptions, very vivid descriptions of something illegal to look at.

I'm an advocate, Your Honor, for people with disabilities.

Your Honor, I'm just a simple dipshit with a radio show.

Yo, I'm just some fucking asshole piece of yours.

I'm just a dumb piece of shit that pretended to be recording child pornography audio.

Your Honor, I may just be a fucking retard, but

shit.

But I'm a retard with a hard penis.

Or who gambles?

I certainly have a nice suit.

I'm wearing a suit.

What, a gamble?

No, I was saying, but I'm a retard with a hard penis or who gambles or something.

You're a retard who wants to shave his penis.

Who wants to shave his penis?

All right.

Your honor,

I'm a simple country retard with a hairy penis.

That is, until I got

the Lawnmower 3.0.

Manscape from

Manscape.com, they actually did a taste test.

They got blind pedophiles, and it shaves your pubes so close to the skin that

they were having blind pedophiles suck off the small penis in their mouth.

Yeah, and they were like, it's a baby's pen.

It's just like a baby's baby.

They called it the Pepsi Challenge.

Manscaped shaves your cock so tight

that it looks like it's to a blind pedophile, it tastes just like a baby's pencil.

No, we're all trying to get those babies, that's right.

And we want to congratulate Adam for actually being the pilot

of the

off-the-show thing.

We were talking about a guy teaching kids how to skate goofy.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah,

but it's a pedophile, a neighborhood pedophile.

So the kids are like,

Mr.

Stevenson taught me how to skate goofy.

And they're like, that sounds normal.

Isn't that a type of skateboarding?

He's like, no, No, you're taking off all your clothes.

Take off your clothes.

Take off all your clothes, Benjamin.

Don't you want to be cool in school?

Wasn't that an episode of Smart Guy where the pedophile?

It was.

But he went to a video game.

You had to surf naked.

What's that guy?

The Surf VR game.

It's Teotamera's little brother, the hitcher.

Todd Showery's show.

And there's a pedophile episode where he tries to get them to skip the sky.

We are sucking penis

in a 90s kind of world.

I'm glad I can shave my balls and dick with Manscaped Lombard 3.0.

It's a premium electric trimmer that's designed to give you confidence in the bench room.

In the bench room.

If you like sex, you'll love Manscaped Length.

If you love having Lansbroox 3.0 sexually,

then you'll love having sex.

If you like having sex with your own body, sexually,

sex style.

I love sex.

If you love sex style penis.

Oh, yeah.

We just shaved, by the way.

Yeah.

That's what a sextile penis is.

I had the wrong copy.

That's right.

Oh, yeah.

You don't even need copy because we love the product so much.

You got to hear this part.

Brace yourself.

Winter is coming.

Uh-oh.

That's right.

Oh, man.

Do I miss Game of Thrones?

Me too, man.

I really miss it.

You know, in the grand scheme of things, that's not as bad as sex.

No, no.

I think there's a joke later in it that's not bad.

It's that Brand is in a wheelchair.

Right, because

the skick hair is too overgrown.

Yes, it's

an alternative

trying to trim.

Autumn is in the air, and Manscaped is here to ensure you don't carve your pumpkins when you're grooming.

That's not bad line.

Okay, they have an okay copywriter.

That's right.

Shout out to them.

Yeah.

I mean, actually, we wrote this.

Maybe some of their other artists.

We're not even reading anything.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry, they ruined it.

By pumpkins, we actually mean your boys downstairs.

Oh, okay.

That's the Adam.

There's a guy.

Yeah, that was the guy who works there named Adam.

I see.

It was like, oh, and pumpkins means...

It means you're testing it.

When his co-workers deliberately write a joke, and he's like, wait, I think there's a joke there.

Yeah.

Don't be the boys downstairs.

It's funny because boys downstairs is also what would be going on with that.

With that blind pedophile.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

You got the boys downstairs.

Oh, I got to take care of my boys downstairs.

Everyone always thinks he's talking about shaving his balls.

But he means fucking the sex slaves and everything.

And it's Jake Gyllenhol and Zodiac, and he's like, he has a basement.

He has the only house with a basement in San Francisco.

Whoa.

It's the St.

Augustine house.

My Lord, I created.

I sucked a child.

I had a basement built for the sole purpose of

committing sins closer to hell, where I will one day

undoubtedly end up.

Oh, Lord, I love these penis.

And I can't wait to drink penis.

I can't wait to have sex.

And drink your smooth cum out of your smooth penis that's been shaved by the lawnmower.

And by coming and going, it brought to my mind other ideas and remembrances.

Like having sex.

Like the Chucky cheese, oh Lord.

And little by little, so easily penetrated to the quick, except that I've I've gotten it.

You don't even have to change that.

You don't.

You can just go right to the man himself.

Wow.

Yeah.

Look, go.

Those are some lucky pulls I'm on.

That was good.

I got lucky with the scrub on the side.

And St.

Augustine, of course, loved the full range of Manscaped products, right?

Absolutely.

The Shears 2.0, the Shears 2.0.

Huge improvement over the Shears 1.0, which was just a knife with a laser pointer attached to it.

You do not want to be cutting your fingernails with that.

Laser-guided pube trimming.

Sharks with freaking laser beams on them.

They have ball toners.

Woo!

They got crop cleanser, body wash, crop my ball wipes.

You never know when an opportunity strikes.

You always be prepared.

You imagine being that on a date with a girl and you know your balls.

You know, you gotta wipe your balls.

Yeah, because you just had some fucking cheese, the brie, and for some reason, the cheese oils went right.

We were laughing about a guy who pulls his pants down to fart in public.

Yeah, it's very funny.

Because he doesn't want to get his pants dirty.

The visual is very good.

What if I shart?

Okay, so I ruined my fucking pants.

I was doing.

I guess you got a fucking million dollars you spent on pants every day.

I was pulling my pants all the way down.

Nick was showing his asshole and pretending to fart.

No, I did fart the first time.

Oh, nice.

Awesome, dude.

Don't lie about me.

Oh, dude, I didn't mean to lie.

I didn't know that.

He pulled his pants out of Farta.

I wasn't lying about you.

I didn't know you farted.

The Manscaped Refined Cologne is a cost-effective way to no longer smell Indian.

I don't think that's the copy.

Oh, sorry.

Whoops.

Yeah.

What does it say?

Easy way to smell clean and fresh for your date.

I just...

I guess I misread that.

Yeah,

that is a mistake you should apologize for.

No, that's one of the guy that made the Game of Thrones jokes.

Yeah, he put that in.

No, I don't think that was one of his jokes.

These formulations are all vegan, cruelty-free, dye-free, sulfur-free.

Wow.

Paraben-free, so you know your manhood is in good hands.

The hands of

a little angel.

A little vegan angel sucking you off.

Yeah.

Every time you put, you wipe your nuts with a little bit of a break.

I'm gonna get a little hand statue.

A little hand statue.

Rest my nuts in.

A hand statue.

To hold them up.

The cathedral.

You know what I want to invent?

Fuck, what was that road called that we saw?

That was Adam's nuts.

Button Ball's Road.

Button Ball's Road.

Button Ball's Road, yeah.

He said that was my road.

He said that was my road.

That's your nuts road.

What do we got here?

They would have lost button ball lane.

Weird whacker ear and nose hair trimmer uses the same skin-safe technology when you're trimming those delicate nose hairs yours.

This thing is waterproof.

You bring it in the shower, you can shove it all the way in your ass.

Fully up your ass.

It'll shave the hair in your asshole.

It's self-cleaning, too, so you can put it in your wife's vagina and she will not get an infection.

No, it'll turn her pussy even cleaner.

Oh, will it?

Yeah.

Damn.

Self-cleaning, Self-cleaning, and also, once it's done cleaning itself, it cleans the pussy.

A lot of women, women do a lot of shit.

You can get these.

These are probably pretty good on your pussy.

Sure.

And you better not be caught slipping out here.

No.

I better not catch you slipping with pussy hair.

If we catch you lacking, or I guess not lacking pussy hair,

you want to be caught lacking when it comes to pussy hair, but not guns.

Let's make that very obvious.

You'll catch these hands.

Yes, if Nick catches a woman with a fairy pussy, he will beat the fuck anywhere on the bus.

By loving a man as if he would never die, who never lost.

No way.

Loving a man.

Have you never read The Confessions of St.

Augustine?

Is he actually gay?

No.

No.

But I mean, he's like, just it's all about having a sound of being like being gay.

Yeah, it's very homoerotic.

That's awesome.

Respect.

Salute to St.

Augustine.

A gay guy from antiquity.

Yeah, they got this.

I don't even, I don't know if I'll get in trouble with them, but I don't want to read about this foot cleaner thing.

Just read, I'll read it.

Yeah, you got upset about that.

What do you have a foot problem?

No, it's just gross to me.

It's not gross to have nice clean feet.

No, this bothers me.

You never put a foot in your mouth?

The cooling tea tree on the floor.

Wow, you really ignored that question.

What?

Have I done it?

Put a foot in your mouth.

I mean, I've done literally everything.

So say yes.

So yes.

Thank you.

You've done everything you could do fucking.

Getting fucked in the ass by a man.

I've done everything.

I've done everything.

I've had every kind of sex.

So, Lord.

If I could, let's see, let's see.

One more.

Blow my load in.

Come on.

Triple or nothing.

Yeah, yeah.

Chapter 9.

This is what we love in our friends, and we love it so much that a man's conscience accuses itself if he does not love one who loves him, or respond in love to love, seeking nothing from the other but the evidences of his love.

This is the sauce of our moaning when one dies.

Wow, dude!

This man loves me.

This is the sauce of our moaning when one dies.

He said sauce?

Source, I think.

The sauce.

The sauce?

But But either way, the sauce of our business.

The sauce of our broad.

I got some sauce you can moan about, Augie.

Shut the fuck up and do your dishes.

So, Manscaped, and they have a beautiful foot powder.

It keeps you dry, it keeps you clean, and you're going to love it, especially if you have foot order, but if you just want to fucking stay fresh, get some of that foot powder.

Yeah, no,

I think it's the word stank that bothers me.

I also hate the name Skank Fest.

Sure.

It's always viscerally bothered me.

SkankFest, but not the Legion of Skank Fest.

No, you know what?

It has nothing to do with even feet.

I think it's just like the construction of those words.

A-N-K, is that your problem?

Ang, Skank, Stank?

I don't know.

Dank.

I don't like it.

What about Dank?

I don't like it.

It's like fucking having, it's like having a dental scraper running my kid.

I don't like the sound.

Plank?

I don't know.

It's A-N-K.

Stop.

Just stop.

It's just fucking panty.

I used to date a girl who claimed that she hated to hear the word panty.

I fucked her.

No, you didn't fuck herself.

We both fucked her.

Neither of you fucked her.

And I, what if I just cut to her and he's like, and they both fucked her.

They fucked her.

They fucked my scale.

We'll go to St.

Augustine.

Let's see what St.

Augustine has to say about whether we fucked her or not.

He'll have the answer.

Break them, I will declare, and all who worship thee shall say, when they hear these things, Blessed be the Lord in heaven and earth, great and wonderful is his name.

Sounds like we fucked thee.

Thy words had stuck fast in my breast, and I was hedged round about by thee on every side.

Of thy eternal life I was now certain, although I had seen it through a glass darkly.

And I had been relieved of all doubt that there is an incorruptible substance, and that it is the source of every other substance.

Nor did I any longer crave greater certainty about thee, but rather greater steadfastness in thee.

But as for my temporal life, everything was uncertain, and my heart had to be purged of the old leaven.

The way,

the Saviour himself, pleased me well, but as yet I was reluctant to pass through the straight gate.

And thou didst put it into my mind, and it seemed good in my own sight, to go to Simpson, who appeared to me a faithful servant of thine.

And thy grace shone forth in him.

I had also been told that from his youth up he had lived in entire devotion to thee.

He was already an old man, and because of his great age, which he had passed in such a zealous discipleship in thy way, he appeared to me likely to have gained much wisdom.

And indeed, he had

finished the reading.

We haven't even done the promo code.

Sorry, I've heard.

I'm sorry, guys.

What were we talking about?

We were talking about how great

the lawnmower 3.0, the shears 2.0, and the foot bullshit, and the ball wipes, and the fucking cologne.

It's just so funny to imagine a guy that just fucking smells like shit.

Just like absolute shit being like, finally,

my package is here.

I'm covered in shit.

I'm caked and diarrhea.

Like, hosed down by my Manscape package.

This product, but you know what?

That guy's probably out there and he's probably listening.

And go to manscape.com get 20% off plus free shipping at manscape.com with promo code Saint Augustine.

Come town 20.

That's right.

Right?

Yeah, I don't know.

I think so.

I think so.

Or Cometown.

I think it's Come Town 20.

I think Come Town 20.

I believe so.

I believe it's Come Town 20.

Come Town 20.

I think so.

Or come to.

You guys are smart guys.

Fuck.

Fuck me in the pussy hole.

Spread open my pussy and fuck it with your knees.

Put your pussy in my pussy.

It's Come Town 20, dude.

Okay.

Come town 20, and you'll probably get 20% off of your first order.

It's Come Town 20.

And free shipping, maybe?

Yeah, some shit like that.

Some shit like that.

And you're going to be smelling fucking good.

You're going to be smelling.

I have absolutely no excuse.

I do like their little

model.

You know, it's nice.

Oh, yeah, good stuff.

Got a nice little bag with all your bags.

Nice little fucking bag.

I brought the bag on our trip.

I mean, there's a toiletry bag.

Big Town 20.

Check it out.

Check it out.

Check it out.

Check it

out.

You fucking piece of shit.

Check it out.

My lord, I can't wait to bust inside.

All I want is pussy from a girl.

If there is a way to make my friend, my dear friend, pregnant by

way of my bust, the source of all life.

The source of all sex.

Fuck.

And getting pussy from which

getting pussy from inside my penis.

That the pussy was never external to my penis but the sensation of pussy lives inside of it and so in your grace good lord i can have my penis and pussy whenever i like if i remember that his whole world is pussy

amen to that such a gift that as my penis even remains hard in my pants it shall be in pussy of your grace

i'm gonna update the copy so that it actually has a promo code in here that's good yeah that'll

that'll be good for us

moving forward.

I can't figure out how to do it.

Yeah, who cares?

I guess who gives a shit?

Who fucking cares?

I'm just having a very nice December 9th with my friends.

Oh, yeah, here we go.

Or whatever the day is.

Let's not forget.

It's the best trimmer for your butt, balls, and body.

So you are supposed to use it on your asshole.

Yeah, totally.

Your butt, balls, and body.

Yeah.

Damn, that's all of it.

That's everything.

That's the whole thing.

I use it on my face.

I get rid of my eyebrows with it.

Your face looks like other people's balls.

I've been doing a kind of a girl with the dragon tattoo, sort of look what I've been up to here.

Color contacts.

I got glow sticks shoved into every orifice.

I've bleached my eyebrows.

Yeah.

You have or you do?

I'm going to start doing that.

No, you'd look funny.

I'm also going to get a

Padawan Lerner side braid.

That I would think

your report, but it's an update on guys that bleached their assholes.

Hey, it's Steve and Mark.

Just giving you guys some updates here.

Still looking good.

Still

crest white here.

Number 10 on the chart.

Yes.

Yeah.

Oh, they bright white.

Oyster Pearl assholes.

Alabaster of shit.

Just a couple of guys, and I've been taking a lot of shits because I had a busy spring break.

And you got to empty yourself out.

Totally.

Guys, remember

going out there, not only stay hydrated, empty yourself at the end of the day.

It's like being a you gotta blow out the spit valve on a trumpet.

Oh, yeah.

Let that build up.

The tone is all off.

Actually, I was talking to I met Wynton Marcellus.

Really?

I asked him about the spit valve, and he was very interested in telling me about it.

And then I mentioned to him, I said, you know, it's very similar to me.

I go have rough trade gay sex down in Miami during spring break, and I have to empty my asshole out.

And he just walked away.

He hated me.

He could not.

He could not.

He couldn't just.

And it's sad to know that it's disgusting.

It's sad to know that a man that you admire is a bigot.

Yeah.

To find out that Wynton Marcellus is racist.

Terrible.

White gay men who are rich

and have nothing to do but have gay sex.

Don't really have a job.

Io and I are just going to partner and having sex.

And I have to empty myself.

And I'm part of the Kamala.

I said, Winton, you're going to love this, but I call my asshole Wynton Strombus.

I love that that specific guy.

He also loves jazz.

And he's not just listening to football.

It's like New Orleans style jazz.

It's not it.

This is a really big day, December 9th, guys, which it is today.

Oh, I'm having a great December 9th.

Did you know that it was the...

A lot of big stuff happened,

including the beginning of the Nuremberg trials.

Oh.

It's today, 1946.

You know what I liked even more than the beginning?

What's that?

The end of it.

The end?

Yeah.

Well, this was when they begin with a doctor's trial, prosecuting physicians and officers alleged to be involved in Nazi human experimentation.

Oh.

You know what you can also do is you can take Bluetooth to get your doctor.

Why don't you tell the fans about your experience with that?

Oh,

the fans and listeners, while I go to the kitchen to get another mango slice.

Can you get me one, please?

I'll bring the whole thing up.

No, don't bring the whole thing.

Then we'll eat the whole thing.

Just get one slice.

Okay.

It's too early to go off the rail.

I can't yet go off the rip.

Wait until this pork shoulder is done.

Once the pork shoulder is done, then we can fucking go crazy.

And we're not going to eat mango slices with the pork shoulder.

But we'll eat it for dessert.

Okay, bring me two slices.

You have two slices.

We'll eat the whole fucking thing.

Bluechew.com changed my life.

Well, the thing is, folks, the way I just described the mango slices is something I can't even be around or else I'll eat all of it.

That's how I am with pussy as well.

I can't be around it, I want to fuck all the time.

However, the difference between eating mango slices and fucking pussy is that you can eat mango slices and nothing has to get hard.

But to fuck pussy, your dick has to get hard.

That's correct.

And unfortunately, because of many reasons, stress, anxiety, being, you know, hundreds of pounds overweight, whatever, each of these is equally the reason why I can't get hard.

I can't do it sometimes.

And that's that's why I go to Blue Chew.com and I get cock pills delivered right to my door that make me stiff as fuck.

No in-person doctor's visits, no waiting in line, no being embarrassed because my fucked-up little cock doesn't work.

I have to look an Italian man in the eyes.

That was my old doctor.

Shouts out, Dr.

Dr.

Mario.

Dr.

Mario was my old doctor.

A lot of people, the Blue Chew actually bought the rights to Dr.

Mario.

So when you play those games now,

Mario has to get down on his knees and suck Yoshi's dick.

This is one of the new Mario Party mini-games, is Dr.

Mario has to suck Bowser hard.

Yoshi has a stretchy dick like his tongue.

Yes, exactly.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, come, come.

Yeah, that's true.

What's Yoshi's deal?

So he makes normal noises, but then he also makes like beatboxing noises.

He's a cute dunno.

But the older one.

And also like it used to be.

Yoshi would just be like,

so the point, though, is that

after going on Bluetooth.com, and I get my choice of sadadenlophil or tadadinlophil, and that's

generic Viagorosialis.

It's just the real shit that old motherfuckers get to use their dick hard, but it's the same ingredient.

But it also works for young men who are fat as shit, depressed, or on so many drugs their cock can't get get hard.

Or me, likely a combination of the three.

For me, I'm not in bad shape per se, but I'm constantly finding myself in fuck team five style scenarios.

Right, right.

Where five four stars roll up in a sprinter van and force Adam to eat their pussies and get his dick hard.

And typically, he has such stage fright and he's not.

Look, I love Adam.

He's one of my good friends, but the moment sometimes can be too big for me.

I can't really rise to the occasion.

You can't rise to the occasion.

I'm at CVS.

Right.

And

Lisa Ann.

And Brittany Ann.

Or Brittany.

What's the fuck?

I jack off the shit.

I know that chick.

The one with the big, who got big fake tits.

Brittany.

She's like, Jewish lady?

That noise.

Duzama or Duama or some shit.

Sarah J.

Sarah J.

She's looking rough these days, bro.

Disgusting.

We're talking about fucking bad.

Sarah J.

She's definitely been on the Britney B.

Brittany B.

That's who I'm thinking.

Okay.

And she sponsors Blue Chew.

Well, we're just saying Adam

find yourself in a fuck team five stock you want your cock hard and that's why I would if you're worried about that I would go with the tadatlophil which is the sialis which keeps your dick hard over the over a course of time you could stretch that out into three days absolutely whereas the sandanlophil or which is more of a 24-hour woman right

sarah jay

sarah livingston jay no no no so fucked up i saw a really funny

she's the founding she was the american socialite and wife of founding father John Jay.

Oh, no, not her, but I fucked her.

Look at this guy's outfit, dude.

That's a good thing.

I don't have my glasses.

He's got big sleeves.

Nice.

Bluechew.com.

If you like sex, you'll love having sex.

So, yeah, you get your dick hard.

It gets your penis hard.

And that's, what else do you need to fucking know, man?

They're right to your fucking door.

Just go to Blue Chew.com.

You don't have to leave your house.

A performance enhancement for the bedroom.

At Blue Chew, you can get the first chewables with this active ingredients, Sudan Mill or

Tadalum Mill.

Another scenario where.

Would they do a Skype now?

This is a zero contact thing.

I didn't have to do a Skype.

I think they just knew I was.

They knew your dick was fucked up.

They knew they could sense the vibes from your email address.

Just the keys were hit so softly.

Like, this guy's got no blood in his extravagance.

All my blood's in my brain coming up with riffs like St.

Augustine.

Like St.

Augustine.

With remembering time codes of St.

Augustine

to cut to.

So go to Blue Chew.com.

No in-person doctor visit, no awkward conversation, no waiting in the lab.

I hit all these fucking parts.

I'm a fucking professional.

Ships directly to your door in discreet packaging.

Yes.

But did you do it in this voice?

I didn't.

I didn't.

You got me there.

Here's the thing is you couldn't get dick pills.

I'm Chris Cooper.

I'm actor Chris Cooper.

Oh, yeah.

My dick is from from American Beauty and my dick doesn't hard.

My dick doesn't hard.

Well, my dick doesn't hard.

No, sir.

Every guy has performance issues at some point in their life.

Blue Chew makes sure that you're confident in will perform another every level of time.

Yep.

A lot of people take performance enhancements in other areas of their life.

Helks looks working out.

Why wouldn't you want to make something that's good better?

No matter what state of life or relationship you're in, you got to try to chewable somebootshoe.com.

Don't bring the stress of the outside world into the bedroom.

Right.

Don't let a bad day affect what should be the best day of your life.

The best day of your life.

The best day of your life.

You're getting pussy?

Yeah.

The first any time you get pussy.

It's the best day of your life.

I've gotten pussy on some horrible days in my life.

9-11.

Yeah, dude.

I was getting pussy in seventh grade

for my teacher with the big-ass tits.

It's weird to think that on 9-11 there was probably people fucking the KM FDM.

It's true.

You know, just industrial couples having sex.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The Matrix came out two years ago.

Yeah.

They were probably feeling great.

Yeah.

I was saying I wanted to, I don't know how.

Did we do the promo code?

Yeah, yeah, we did.

It's

Cometown or Cometown20.

Just go to Bluetooth.com, put in Cometown or Cometown20.

Free introduction.

Get your first order.

Just pay $5 shipping.

Just pay $5 shipping.

Visit bluechew.com to get your first order free when you use promo code Come Town.

Just pay $5 shipping.

Again, that's B-L-D-U.

B-L-U-U.

B-L-E-U, like the cheap.

Blue.

Blurchy.

Blurch.

When you are trying to have sex with your child mistress

and your dick cannot get held,

just focus.

Finish the episode.

I'm focused.

And then you can get a fucking slice of mango.

You got a P2.

I'm holding it.

Hold it the fuck in.

I'm holding it.

Damn.

The only breaks I take are to go to help us to put in a pork shoulder.

Okay.

You're back together.

Okay.

Sometimes I got to whip you into fucking shape, Adam.

Oh, you can whip me.

I would love to.

I would absolutely dominate you if I was gay.

I need this.

I would fuck the shit out of you as a because you would definitely be a bottom.

I'm just so undisciplined.

I would fuck you up, dude.

No way.

I would definitely talk you, dude.

No chance.

I would definitely talk.

No chance.

You guys want to go to the Rainforest Cafe?

No.

Do you have one out here?

it's trending on twitter and it reminded me that if they there's now i got a bone to pick with that fucking gorilla

is it his cock it is

you gonna pick it with your teeth i went to the zoo the other day i saw the gorillas finally nice it was nice now that the zoo's not so fucking busy with those goddamn kids that's right finally adults can go enjoy this the prison is the zoo where tony fucked his crazy mistress yes it is

the bronx yeah really The Bonks.

Yeah, I'm from the Bonks.

Damn, I want to go there and get

a stealer chick.

Are you okay?

Do you need help with that?

I'm like, no,

it's not what you think.

I'm actually just from the Bonks.

I'm from the Blonks.

I'm from the Bonks.

I'm from De Bonks.

Yeah, I got a sort of uptown mentality.

I got what you call a mind of

I'm sorry, but your son has a mind of Mencia.

Unfortunately, miss, your son is diagnosed diagnosed with one of the worst cases of a mind of Mencia.

How can I put this delicately?

Your son has mind of Mencia.

He was born with mind of Mencia.

Mind of Mencia sounds like a spice.

It really does.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Do you have any

chicken with

Rosemary and Mind of Mencia?

Dude, I was hyped when Mind of Mencia came out.

I was a Mencia fan after the first one.

They didn't cancel it.

Chappelle was gone.

They didn't cancel Chappelle.

Can you believe that fucking asshole would just make fun of mentally disabled down there?

Where does he get off?

He thinks that's comedy.

Where does that Mexican gentleman get off?

That's right.

He's German too, I think.

His real name is Ned Holness, as I learned from the video where Joe Rogan confronts him for being

over stealing bits.

Yeah, before Joe Rogan had the Aries, Joe, right?

It's so funny because it's like, who gives a shit about stealing bits?

The bit, the joke that they're like,

you're the biggest joke thief in the industry right now.

Probably the most famous.

Yeah, probably.

And who cares?

We don't care.

Yeah, well.

Who gives a shit?

As long as you keep finding those mango slices, boy, you can do whatever the hell you want.

I found them, put them in the cart.

That's back when libertarians owned comedy.

That's right.

That's when joke theft was a big thing, when the only thing that mattered was intellectual property.

Yeah, rape's cool, but if you steal your...

The only thing

who's going to build the fence in Mexico,

the only thing that

joke is the abstraction

of property.

That's the only thing that's real.

Everything else is fake.

What are you talking about?

In the mind of

Mencia.

In the mind of Mencia.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, but who's going to build the wall?

Yeah, D.L.

Hughley had that one.

Yeah.

My favorite of that era was like the, I don't know if this guy's homeless or he's got Bluetooth.

Oh, because he's talking to himself.

This guy's talking to himself.

Okay, yeah, that was a good thing.

Now with AirPods, it's even worse.

People look at me like I'm fucking insane.

Yep.

Are you doing the bit for real now?

No, I mean,

it's worse now because it's like you can't even, it doesn't, you can't even see the Bluetooth.

Right, right.

Yeah.

It is worse.

Because there was, there, like, it practically didn't make sense when people were doing that joke.

There's a giant

light on it.

It looked like Lando's slave.

Lando sucked dicks again.

Hano buddy.

Oh, listen, Lando.

Don't tell Leia what we used to do about any of this.

Oh, the secret's safe with me, huh?

Shit, you don't think I've moved on from all that?

I mean, obviously, I keep a boy here.

Yeah, I fucked him so bad one time they had to remove his brain and replace it with circuitry.

Isn't that right, B-boop?

Yes, sir.

Oh, shit, dude.

December, December.

Today, you want to hear some famous birthdays?

Dame Judy Dench.

Okay.

Dame Judy Dench.

You're tuning in to December 9th.

Dame Pussy Stench.

Today is December 9th.

Today is.

Today.

Kirk Douglas, huh?

We owe him a lot on this podcast.

I'm Spartacus.

I'm Spartacus.

Imogen here.

Can't wait to have Spartacus.

It's like my day.

I want to spit it.

That sounds good.

Use cusses into my ass.

Michael Dorne.

Michael Dorne.

Captain.

Captain, my penis is small.

Yep, that's right.

Captain, I believe my penis is too small.

It's too tiny, Captain.

Captain, I am angry because my dick is not the size it was promised to be based on the color of my skin.

Dick Van Patten?

Seems like somebody you would know who that is.

Gene Roddenberry just being like, well, the Klingons, initially my idea was imagine black people, but they have small dicks.

What would that look like?

If you have all of that latent aggression, but no reward, no outlet.

You're like, hmm.

Imagine a black guy with a Chinese-sized penis, but also his forehead had ridges on it.

Right.

Yeah.

That's a lot going on there.

I should get into sci-fi.

What if I just transition to being a sci-fi writer after this?

You should.

Just write a thick-ass book, and it's like, oh, the Digaboobians,

they collect a very rare type of space banana.

Yeah, you can really get away with some racists.

Absolutely.

That's the medium to be racist in.

Right.

Their lips are so big it changes the atmosphere on their home planet.

That's right.

Who was Gene Roddenberry?

He was just some guy on a

plantation.

But his name makes him sound like he got mad pussy.

Yep.

That was the berry that went rotten.

You fucked Gene?

Honey, everybody fucked Gene.

Yep.

It was the 60s.

He invented Star Trek.

You fucked Gene Roddenberry?

That is an awesome name.

He's a fucking whore.

I wonder if he looks like what?

As British as that name sounds.

Gene Roddenberry.

I remember there was that show.

Yes, I'm Gene Roddenberry.

There was that show, Andromeda, that sucked Dick.

And they had to call it like Gene Roddenberry.

Didn't they call it Gene Roddenberry?

No, maybe I'm thinking of another movie.

It was Gene Roddenberry's something.

Gene Roddenberry's Earth.

Was that it?

Yeah.

I think.

Earth Final Conflict.

That's what it was.

Yeah, and that show sucked ass.

And they had to put Gene Roddenberry's name in there to like trick you into thinking it would be as good as Star Trek.

Damn, my man had another thing.

Yeah.

He just wrote the show, though, right?

He never wrote any books or anything.

No, I think it's based on...

Is Star Trek a book?

No.

Yeah.

Gene Roddenberry.

I think it is.

No.

The series was produced under the guidance of his widow.

Oh, shit.

Who possessed notes kept by Roddenberry that provide the conceptual basis for the series.

Ran for five seasons between 97 and 2002.

Oh, you're talking about this shitty show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I see.

Was his widow hot?

Can you see your pussy?

She was probably so hot.

Let's look up Gene Rottenberry wife.

Gene Roden.

Gene Rottenberry Wife.

Gene Roden dirty.

Yep.

Yeah.

And he's like, what if space was filled with fucking drugs?

Oh, damn.

She was hot.

What if you went into space and as soon as you left the atmosphere, you you got hot?

Oh, dude.

You got fucked up off weed.

Oh, Gene looked cool.

Gene's wife was big-ass sideburn.

Gene's wife was kind of hot back in the day, but

she was an actress, and she guess what?

She was hitting Star Trek.

Stop, have you seen Battlefield Earth?

I haven't.

Oh, my God.

We got to watch it.

We watched that.

I was watching that.

We got to watch it, dude.

It's so bad.

It's fun to watch for the first 20 minutes.

No, no.

It is not bad.

It's tedious.

Battlefield Earth is fucking amazing.

I can't wait.

All of horses.

Let's watch that.

Let's watch it tonight.

It is a fucking amazing movie.

Do you know about it?

Sort of.

Do you know what it is?

It's the L.

Ron Hubbard movie that all.

It's the L.

Ron Hubbard movie.

Oh, he's like psycho.

Scientologists were like, we're going to make this movie, and it's fucking, like, absurd.

Travolta is on 1,000.

Oh, wait, hold on one second.

Dude, this man fucked up.

I've said it before in the show, but my favorite line ever written is in that movie.

What is it?

When Barry Pepper speaks their Cylon language.

Was he a Scientologist?

Guys, guys, guys.

Please know spoilers.

We're about to watch it.

We can talk about it afterwards.

Barry Pepper speaks their Cylon language.

I'm taking my headphones off.

Forrest Whitaker.

I'm taking my headphones off and I'm plugging up my ears.

All right, never mind.

What is it?

Wait, just

his ears are plugged.

Just say it.

We'll just do it later.

We'll watch it later.

We'll watch it later because

you can't hear one line from this.

I don't like spoilers.

It's not a spoiler.

It has nothing to do with the plot.

It's just a line.

I don't want anything spoiled for me.

Now,

can we say this?

Gene Rottenberry fucked two of the bitches on Star James.

His name is Gene Roddenberry.

Two of the black girls.

He did fuck the black girl, Michelle Nichols, and then he married Major Barrett.

You always know this stuff, and it's like I'm looking it up.

But where is your source?

Because you're always, anytime anyone comes up, you're like, oh, yeah.

I haven't read a single piece of Faulkner, but I do know that his penis was 6.32 inches.

First of all, I don't know what Faulkner's cock looks like.

And he fucked Eudora Walty.

Who's that?

Oh, Mutant X.

That was another big series from that period.

You remember that show?

No, I remember that.

Oh, dude, listen to this fucking pimp.

He was dating both the black lady on Star Trek, Nichelle Nichols, and Majil Barrett, who I guess was also on Star Trek.

And then after several months,

I could pedia.

Oh, I'm reading it.

After several months, he introduced Nichols to Barrett, with whom he had also been having a relationship.

At the time, Roddenberry wanted to remain in an open relationship with both women.

But Nichols, recognizing Barrett's devotion to him, ended the affair.

She did not want to be the other woman to the other woman.

Literally, Nick's joke about Gene Roddenberry getting mad pussy in the 60s because he made Star Trek

just

salute, dude.

That's a good idea.

Gene Roddenberry,

real-ass dude of the week.

Yeah, he's the real ass dude of the week.

He got mad pussy again in the 60s.

Hell yeah.

Man is the most powerful.

I love Gene Roddenberry, David.

The bulldog has done it again.

Shouts out to the Lord Roddenberry.

Yeah.

That's me.

Dude, call me Stavros Roddenberry the way I'm about to get pussy.

I also think he had a wife while he was fucking both of them.

Yeah, his wife, he died, and he was like, make my show, bitch.

And then after he died, she had to make Battlefield Earth.

Mm-hmm.

Dude, he had a cool look.

Yeah, I love his look.

Oh, damn.

By the time he started on the series, Nichols said that they were only good friends as his involvement with Barrett continued.

However, during the production of the first season, writer Ken Kolb entered Roddenberry's office to wish him a happy birthday and found Nichols there naked and under the desk.

Dude, look at this headline.

This rules.

Patrick Stewart thinks Gene Roddenberry never really accepted him as Captain Picard.

Oh, hell yeah.

Can you imagine that?

Like, to be such a pimp that you made Patrick Stewart like

turn you into his like absentee father that whose approval he'll never win hell yeah dude I just want Gene to I want Gene got so much pussy that I wanted Gene

just recognize I want Gene to think that I'm cool

just tell me that I'm John Luke Picard Gene always said my penis wasn't big enough

captain I want to show Gene my penis.

Not now, Mr.

Wolf.

I think he's mad at me.

Dude, I'm going to do more research.

Yeah, y'all better be in character in there.

I'm trying to get pussy in my trailer.

Come up with this faggot sign shit.

Y'all ruin it by being out of character.

Oh, damn, he is from Texas.

Yeah.

He's like that fucking like pussy girl.

He's dude.

He's from Elvis.

Real ass dude of the millennium, dude.

West Texas.

I'm trying to come up with this science shit, and y'all showing each other your cocks.

Shit, you better, I better, I'm about ready for my fucking 11 a.m.

martini.

Oh, you know he was drinking more.

Dude, I love this fucking shit.

No, we get it started every morning.

I eat an entire tube of Jimmy Dean,

wash it down with half a handle of svedka, and then we get right into the science fiction.

I'm gonna say, here it comes now.

Spaceship goes faster than light 10 times.

One of the fastest fastest ships on Earth.

That's right.

Fastest ship in space.

It's so funny.

In the first iteration of the show, we got this man, similar to myself, going around the universe fucking every kind of pussy there is.

Network comes back and they say, we want something a little more updated now that the Cold War is fading out.

I said, okay, we'll put some kind of bald guy in there, make him French or something, so people think maybe he's gay.

They said, that's not enough.

We need a black guy.

I'm like, all right, but he ain't going to have a bigger cock than me.

I'll tell you that right now.

I'll tell you that right now.

What we're going to do is we're going to do small cocks, make them angry.

Dude, what a pissed off.

What a man.

Oh, man.

Now, if you excuse me, I got some casting to do, quote unquote.

Dude, I'm about to do some research on him.

Yeah.

I want to learn his whole life story.

Yeah, I mean, you could tell all that just from his name.

I mean, it's true.

True.

I thought he'd be British.

He did sound British to me.

I thought he was British, too.

Gene Roddenberry.

Roddenberry.

Roddenberry.

No.

No, it's even better that he's from Texas.

Yeah.

I mean, his name may as well be like Leif Gunderson.

I love Leif.

Just a big Texas Swede.

Mm-hmm.

You know?

Mm-hmm.

A big Czech Texan.

Aren't they German?

German, Czech.

Czech.

A lot of Germans, yeah.

Well, it's a collatches are big in Texas.

Nice.

All right.

Well, well, folks, buy the calendars.

Go to stoppybaby.biz, buy my calendars, go to come.town, buy Nick Shirts.

Come.town.

We got shirts.

You're running out of time to get them in time for the holidays.

Also, stock is limited.

Check it out.town.

And also, if you like the show, you want some more.

Go to Patreon.

Patreon.com slash Cometown.

You can listen to the premium.

Double the shows, you fucking idiots.

It's the whole backlog, all however many fucking bullshit you have.

Probably 200 or 300 of them.

Oh, the bull.

Oh, what time we're racing.

Check it out and go take a look at that.

Doing this dumb shit for five years.

Yeah, fucking now.

I'm too old where it's not even funny anymore.

And maybe I might be doing shows in New Jersey this weekend if Corona hasn't ravaged them.

That is getting canceled.

It's probably canceled.

It's not happening.

There's a small chance.

But there's a small chance it hasn't.

Who knows?

People are going to be listening to this on the fucking moon by the time this comes up.

It's

Gene's plan.

I I hope so.

I imagine there's a virus.

I'm saying there's a virus, but it's not one of these new fuck viruses they got trying to scare us away from the business.

Not a gay pussy.

Gay virus.

They're trying to scare us off from the pussy getting, but I'll tell you, brother, I found a system.

All right.

Come up with space shit.

Tell women you're an astronaut.

Go up to bars.

I'll have to learn how to, first of all, they wouldn't take me because my eyesight's too bad because I got it.

maced

a couple years back for getting a little too sweet with a lady in the bar.

Fucked up my eyes, and there goes flight school.

Failed out, spent a bunch of time drifting around working in oil fields and stuff.

And I thought,

what if there was a black guy with a small cot?

And it started with WARF.

A lot of people don't know that.

He was the old star wharf.

It went back from there.

Yeah, and they said, we need another black guy, too.

I'm like, all right, but

I'm making him blind.

Yep.

I met Wynn Marcellus a couple of years ago.

All right, later.

From Australia to San Francisco, Cullen Jewelry brings timeless craftsmanship and modern lab grown diamond engagement rings to the US.

Explore solitaire, trilogy, halo, and bezel settings, or design a custom piece that tells your love story.

With expert guidance, a lifetime warranty, and a talented team of in-house jewels behind every piece, your perfect ring is made with meaning.

Visit our Union Street showroom or explore the range at cullingjewelry.com.

Your ring, your way.

This NFL season, every moment counts.

And with TCL, every moment looks better.

It's the ultimate season to score, powered by TCL, the official TV partner of the NFL.

And believe me, football has never looked better.

Picture this.

Kick off on a massive 75-inch TCL QD Mini LED TV.

The colors explode with intensity, and the motion is so smooth, you'll feel like you're standing on the sidelines.

Whether it's game-winning touchdowns, blockbuster movies, or late-night gaming marathons, TCL delivers performance that brings it all to life.

TCL is making it easier than ever to upgrade with savings up to 50% off select models.

From the flagship QM8K with its incredible picture and sound to the versatile QM6K, there's a TCL designed for your home.

Don't just watch the game, own it.

TCL is the official TV partner of the NFL, and football has never looked better.

Available at all major retailers, visit TCL.com for details.

TCL, the ultimate season to score.