Ep. 230 – Oooh Give Me Pussy

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And it's a photo start.

We're getting started as quickly as possible.

Adam's in the living room.

And his dick is small.

And he's trying to find his penis and he can't find it.

He can't find it.

And he's picked up a picking up speed now.

Is he doesn't even have a penis.

He doesn't have a penis coming up on the left.

It's a thimble monopoly piece, and he's saying, Is this my penis?

Hello, everyone.

It's me, Adam Friedland.

This is my normal speaking voice.

Oh, we started recording.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Let me put on my radio voice.

And I'm ready.

Hey, guys.

Welcome to Come Town.

Oh, Adam.

We'll cut out the first part.

We'll cut out the first part.

Everyone heard your regular voice speaking.

Your regular voice.

We'll fix that.

Your really cool voice is definitely not like an affette British guy, which is what you actually are.

That's right.

Just kidding.

That's a joke.

My second.

As everyone who listens knows, we're actually best friends.

We would never reveal a secret like that.

I don't know.

Pit Adam is actually a 3'11 British man.

I am the turtle dust

guy.

He's Manx.

He's

a Manxkish.

Manxkish.

What are they fucking people?

Manxish?

Like a Manx, like someone from Manchester?

People from the Isle of Man.

Oh.

Isn't that what that is?

They're Manx.

That's like, isn't that a place where people launder money?

It's what I do there.

I think it's a banking hand.

I go there, I ride my motorcycle around, I wash all my money off.

That's what I love, washing my money.

I went there, and I was very upset when I got there.

Because you thought there would be no pussy and there were checks.

I was saying before the show started that, and I get this, just as a vibe check, a vibe, if you get this.

Let's do a quick vibe.

Joanne Fabrics, the Joanne of Joanne Fabrics.

I get the sense that she sucks your dick only on your birthday once a year, but it's mind-blowing.

Yes.

She's rocking your shit.

She's just going to town, but it's just that once a year, and then she, like, clasps her dumb jewelry back on.

She's got a jewelry box.

She's got a jewelry box.

Absolutely.

And then she drives.

She's got a little haircut.

She's got big, fat titties that have only gotten larger with age.

They're so big she can literally steer

her SL five hundred to a charity.

Yeah, a charity dinner.

But you can tell, dude.

Where some, yeah, some old Italian guy with transitional lenses is giving a speech and he's touching her lower back.

Normally that would bother you, but you just

you look over and you know you just busted the fattest load that you ever

matter.

You know in her

in her stomach intertwined.

And here I am, just some kept man, usually a cup,

living off my wife's fabric money.

That's right.

But not today.

She doesn't view you as she thought I was an airline pilot.

That's right.

I was a doorman.

Just same uniform.

I smashed once because she thought I was an airline pilot for six months, but I was just the doorman of her building.

Oh, funny, Nick.

I keep bumping into you when I'm leaving.

At the lobby, like opening, yeah, no, I'm always coming and going.

You know, I'm flying in places.

I was just in Mumbai.

I just came.

I was, I left the uh,

I left the uh

the Antarctica and I just came back here to pick up some things.

I've left my lunch.

I headed back to the airport now.

Do you mind giving me some of that pussy I keep hearing about?

Joanne,

Joanne.

It's not too much trouble.

Young Joanne.

Young Joanne just working at a fabric store.

So

you make stuff like bitch clothes or something?

Yes.

And one day I'm going to have my own fabric empire.

Well, do you suck, Dick?

Every single day.

Every day until I'm rich.

But then she found out you're not an airline pilot.

You're just some fucking asshole.

Yep.

Opening and closing the door.

And getting pussy from her in the broom closet.

Yeah, but you know how to lay pipe.

And that's what got your foot.

That was your saving grace.

That's what got your foot in the door.

And now you're Mr.

Joanne Fabrick.

I would love to be.

Yeah,

I was also saying that there was a lady that I worked with in college.

She was like the secretary of the University of Maryland Baltimore County

Graduate School.

Let's go ahead and just give her full name while we're at it.

Her name is

Karen.

But the thing is, she had a big, I used to beat off in the bathroom of that job.

I just remember that show you put on

at UNBC where they still had

like a set up from some musical or something.

Yes, yeah, at Fat Tuesdays.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

I didn't even realize that.

The bar was called Fat Tuesdays because it was a

New Orleans-themed bar.

And that stayed in your head.

And that stayed in my head.

Wow.

Just like my years of

getting my dick sucked by Joanne while she drives around her SL500.

And I'm in the passenger seat and she's sucking my dick while she's doing 80.

Yep.

Oh, I love that.

On the right next to the Biscayne.

It's 1983.

Yes, sir.

And I'm fucking, I'm just getting my dick sucked.

The cocaine, the fabric money cocaine is coming and going.

I'm like, this Reagan guy is bad news.

And she's like, who cares?

We're rich.

So shut up.

I guess I'll just go numb.

I guess we'll just call this a numb decade.

We'll just write it all off.

And that's where we're living in right now.

Whether you feel it or not, basically you're getting your dick sucked by Joanne from Joanne's Fabrics.

You think all these things are happening.

No, since the 80s, which you see.

Oh, in the 80s, she's sucked daily.

Yeah, but now I'm talking about the present day, and Joanne's Fabrics has turned into an allegory.

Yeah.

Sort of

a story for modern times.

Yeah.

You know, because who the fuck knows what Joanne's Fabrics is?

So true.

Who the fuck is Joanne?

Does it matter?

It doesn't.

Just you go through there and you're a concept.

She's not a girl that sucks your dick anymore.

The textures and it's all just, you know, broken promises.

You know what I mean?

So fucking true.

But what were the promises even to begin with?

You were the liar.

You were never an airline pilot.

You weren't a pilot.

You worked the door.

Yeah.

But you thought you were entitled to that.

And now it's just another write-off.

It's top-down Novocaine from the top.

You know what I mean?

So, absolutely.

100%.

Absolutely following.

Real,

but disengaged.

Yep.

I ate too much.

What does it even mean to get pussy fabric?

I don't know.

Joanne's fabric.

I ate too much deli meat.

Now I'm having trouble thinking.

Yeah, we got deli sandwiches and then Nick went back to the deli and got

deli sandwiches.

You said you were like, we have to try this place.

No, I know this place.

We have to try this place.

And my friend Josh had a pretty good sandwich.

My friend Anus told me about this place.

Well, you guys are going to have to listen to the next episode where we discuss the deli sandwiches.

And my friend Anos and Seaman told me about this place.

Those are not my friends.

Jacques

Adam's friends, Anos and Seaman.

And I'm Seaman, and I'm Jacques.

Yeah, well, we've come from Europe to wear little girls' clothes and hold hands with Adam.

And get $40 sandwiches.

And we're twins from Germany, and we flank Adam everywhere.

You said the sandwiches were too expensive.

Yeah, you said

we told us they were too expensive.

You said there's an expensive sandwich place.

We said, let the source of it.

Sandwich is decent.

Then you're like, but it's very expensive.

But when you bid into it,

it's a good sandwich.

When you bid into the sandwich, you said, this is not $20.

Because

that was my first reaction.

Because you said it so many times, you fucking.

Because a sandwich shouldn't be $20.

Okay?

Some of the guys.

The cats' sandwiches should be, because they pay those guys for it.

That's barely a sandwich.

And you get a shit ton of meat.

you get two slices.

I've never been there,

it seems overrated.

You'd like it, it's a restaurant.

Do they have food there?

Oh, you'd like it, they have a menu.

I wonder if that place is going to survive through the pandemic.

Um, just to stop it like a Best Buy, like, what the hell is this?

What the fuck?

Are they

meatloaf?

Where's the food?

Do you have what kind of stuff?

Do you have scout over refrigerators?

Hello,

Hello.

Speaking.

This is Stavros.

Is there

to the door of the refrigerator?

You rip the handle off the refrigerator.

You're holding it like a telephone.

Reality check calling.

It's the future on the line.

They want their clothes back.

People are like, yeah, he's going into diabetic shops.

Yeah.

He thought there'd be be pudding in the fridge.

Did you just rip ass?

Maybe about five minutes ago.

It just got over here.

It got over here, dude.

It's like a poison.

Now you understand my little speech about the past and the future.

I've forgotten your speech.

You're going to eat fabric.

I got to say, I've forgotten your speech.

Oh, man.

I would like to get my dicks up by an old lady that was so good at it in the 60s.

And she's just got a little twinkle in her eye.

Oh, my God.

She knows.

She sucks.

I would like to get ahead from a very 65-year-old.

There was a girl I knew and we like we had to we went to Dallas and stayed at her like mom's apartment.

Oh, yeah, I know.

I know.

Her mom like lived in like a

like you know, she had like a nice, she was like a single woman who was older, I guess.

And so she like stayed alone in this like very

curated nice apartment.

But that girl was telling me like, I guess she had, there was a lube like we needed.

But it doesn't.

The point is, she had to get a lube, and she knew where to get it in her mom's room because, like, she walked in on her elderly mother getting, like, fucked in the ass.

Woo!

Yeah, right.

And, yeah, she.

That rocks.

Right.

So she.

Wow.

Yeah, she fucking.

But her mom was like very much one of those like pearls.

Like, maybe I just put it together that way because we were in Dallas and I was thinking of the show Dallas.

Right.

But I imagined her very much as

a dick-sucking

little Mercedes-Roadster.

Yeah, a little Mercedes-Roadster driving Ursula haircut, cock-sucking grandma, cock-sucking dramatic Texas girls.

She has to take her

clip on costume.

Me and the girls are going out for drinks, like the girl from the

name from

why am I blanking on the old bitch show, Gold Girls.

Yeah, I was thinking of Fat Bitch from Titanic, Kathy Bates and Titanic.

fat.

Yeah.

No.

But that she's in that

Junois.

She's sucking.

That Junroi.

The Jean Noir FPUC.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ooh.

Ouvre.

Ooh.

Yeah, I would absolutely get a fucking dick sucking from a lady like that.

Have her take off her long costume jewelry clip-on earrings before she gucks you off.

No, I want the dangling.

I want the jeans of jewelry.

What do you mean taking off her earrings?

She takes them off.

That's like her.

Are you out of your goddamn mind?

That's her sign that she's ready to go.

Are you out of your goddamn mind?

She's ready to guck.

No, the jewelry stays on.

The jewelry stays on.

I'm out of opulence.

I want opulence when I get my dicks up.

I want it to be a fucking opulent.

I'm talking about a businesswoman.

This is somebody you're like cheating on your wife with, but it's not even a lateral move.

Oh, definitely negative.

This is, yeah, somebody in the office.

She's doing it for the thrill.

You're both, look,

we both need to be cheating for starters because that's a power move.

Totally.

It's 1983.

Yeah.

We're lawyers because no one was in finance at the time.

Yeah.

The best thing.

I tried, but I was a lawyer.

They were like, sorry, no stocks yet.

Yeah, no stocks.

The only thing you can be is a trial attorney.

That was power back then.

Yes.

And you cheat with

Joanne from Joanne Bradford.

Joanne from Joanne's Bradford.

She's got.

Who works at the lawyer place?

She's a lawyer.

That's where she got her fabrics.

She sued for it.

She sued

a Haynes

company.

Her business card said Joanne Fabrics.

Suing?

No, selling.

Yes.

And people are like, what is this a card?

What do you mean?

She's like, I'm a lawyer, but also I own this company.

So, wait, but yes, suing then, I guess.

And they're like, she's like, shut up.

She's like, that's just, I needed something.

Shut the fuck up.

Just shut up.

Do you want yourself to get it?

Just put your cock in my mouth

and fuck up my $800 haircut.

Yes.

Oh, my God.

Which is the height of fashion.

It's just like a koosh ball.

Yeah.

Yes, yes, yes.

Little fucking spiky shit.

I had to go see a gay guy to do this to me.

Yeah, you did.

But why'd you stop the bid to tell us what happened to you, Adam?

No, that's what the lady did.

You had to go see a gay guy.

No, that's what Joanne Fabric said.

Everyone at home, Adam said, I had to go see a gay guy to do this to me.

And then he held open his asshole for me and Nick to look at.

And it was completely bad.

And Porky the pig stuck his head out.

Yeah, but he yeah, but

Adam's gay, folks.

There's a lot more in here, folks.

He's coming here, folks.

That's disrespectful.

What the fuck was Porky the Pig doing in that hole anyway?

Yeah,

what did that end with?

They're like, and how about at the end of the cartoon, a pig comes out of an asshole?

That's all, folks.

Yeah, dude.

It was kind of like a target.

That sounds pretty loony to me.

It is quite loony.

Yeah.

It's so funny that that was like, you know, during the war effort, they're like, well, we need all kinds of racists.

Some of them will go to the war to kill, and others will stay home to teach children about the Japanese and how treacherous they are.

Yeah.

And that's where cartoons came from.

That's true.

Is indoctrinating the children.

Very true.

To invaginate them.

Tell them about pussy.

What were you going to say, Adam?

I just wonder if they hurt Hitler's feelings.

If he saw the cartoons and he was like, that's pretty jacked up, man.

Yeah, because they had.

There's a line for me, you know, and this crosses it.

I'm like, kind of like a I'm kind of an edgy guy, but like this actually kind of crosses it.

You know, I've never read Mein Kampf, but I read something that had like quotations from Mein Kampf in it.

Bad book, good book.

It's like atrocious writing.

Yeah.

I mean, it's extremely gay.

Yeah.

It's like actually

writes like a fucking, like, like a

flowery.

Well, it's like a nerd, kind of like a, you know.

Let me see if I can find.

I guess, I guess I never thought about it.

It was called My Struggle, so he's all about himself.

So, he's like a little emo prima.

I think he was in prison when he wrote it.

He was feeling bad for himself.

Hitler went to prison?

Yeah.

Before?

Yeah.

I think so.

For the push.

The push?

What do you mean?

Wasn't there the first one where he tried to take over the government and then he was thrown in jail?

He was like, hey, hey, dude, a fascist.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And he flopped and then he still got to go.

He kept grinding.

He kept grinding.

He kept grinding.

That's good to show you, man.

Don't give up on on your dreams.

Yeah, that's be a good meme.

Let me see if I can.

I'm trying to find like a

what is it?

Didn't he get his ass fucked up in World War One too?

Wiki close or good click or whatever.

Yeah, I mean, look up Mind Commons.

I'm just saying, don't do that.

Yeah, he was one of those guys that had the helmet with a spike on top of it.

The Kaiser?

So you can buy it for 99 cents on Barnes Noble.

99 cents too much.

But yeah, I want to call up Barnes Noble Customer Service and be like, I was wondering if you had any used copies that I could perhaps get for maybe 50 cents.

45 cents.

49 cents.

Yes, I noticed you have it available for a dollar, which, you know, for something that should frankly be public domain, I think that's a bit too much.

That would be the final victory over Hitler.

To do an anti-Semitic prank call to a bookstore.

No, no, for an actual Jewish guy to talk him down, talk over him.

Yeah, that's how we pay less.

That's how we're going to defeat Hitler is by being racist against Jews to buy his book and harassing a bookstore.

No,

if that was a real guy,

that would be him beating Hitler.

You should talk down.

I don't know, he'd be beating the,

you know, taking up the time of the customer service department of Barnes and Noble's, really.

But if he succeeded to get Hitler's book for free.

Do you think...

Are the Hitler family getting royalties?

I think so.

Yeah.

Probably not if they use books.

It's more of a symbolic victory.

You know, his nephew fought for the,

was in the U.S.

Navy?

Really?

His nephew, literally, his name was Billy Hitler.

No, I'm now Kraut.

That's a mistake.

Billy Hitler.

Well, he didn't have any

competition

on Goodreads.

Nice.

What?

That exists?

Yeah, it's a famous book.

Okay.

What are some of them, I guess?

I guess we'll do that.

These are all the famous ones.

Oh, give me some fucking yeah, so let's get some deep cuts.

Instruction in world history in the so-called high schools is even today in a very sorry condition.

Few teachers understand that the study of history can ever be to learn historical dates and events by heart and recite them by rote.

What matters is not whether the child knows exactly when this battle or that was fought, when a general was born, or even when a monarch, usually a very insignificant one, came into the crown of his forefathers.

No, by the living God, this is very unimportant.

To learn history,

yeah, I mean, he writes like...

By the living God, how about you livingly suck my?

Well, the living God, but also usually a very insignificant one.

Right.

It's that fucking like Homer Simpson, oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.

Yeah.

Kind of use the language.

You know what?

Fuck Hitler.

Thank you.

Fuck him for that, for just the way he writes.

I don't know about that.

For nothing else, necessarily.

Yeah.

The jury's still out on all the other stuff, but his writing style,

fuck him.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I feel like if he had been, if like if Hitler had been Obama, I mean, people would have liked him.

It's because he was kind of like an autistic kind of fag that people don't.

But that's why history judges.

That's your problem.

Yeah, if he was a cool black guy.

I mean, honestly, yeah, dude.

Imagine if Hitler had been Barry White.

Yeah,

instruction.

And world history is a so-called high school.

Like, you do it that way.

Yeah, it would be cooler.

That would make a lot of sense.

Imagine if Hitler was Barry White.

Yeah, that's true.

Well, that's kind of what drove him nuts.

I mean, because he's like, he's a fucking loser, and then he's in World War One, where he gets to be in the army and some of the things.

He's the what no pussy does to a MF or meme meme come to life.

Yeah, well, I don't know if it's that.

I mean, yeah, I guess it's he's Hitler, but

he got his genitals fucked up in a bomb in a

trench looking at some bomb thing.

Did he get gangrene on his nuts?

That would be fucking

his dick and balls were chewed off by baby alligators in Louisiana

when he was visiting his

nephew Billy Hitler.

Billy Hitler.

Ouch!

These alligators are biting my nut sock.

Something like that.

Yeah, they go a little something like that.

That hurt

when

they bit my nuts.

You know what's great is on Goodreads if you go to like quotes from Hitler.

Half of these are in Arabic.

Like, I swear to God, half of them are just in Arabic.

Oh, shit.

It's just looking at Arabic people.

Interesting.

Certain ideas of Hitler's resonated, bro.

I wonder.

It's probably more stuff about the school system.

I guess

Netanyahu does have a point.

The scream of the 12-inch shrapnel is more penetrating than the hiss from a thousand Jewish newspaper vipers.

Therefore, let them go on with their hissing.

Damn.

That's a pretty kind of fucked up, honestly.

Yeah, no, that's what I mean.

He's a very like...

The vipers.

Well, an ineffective kind of cringe writer.

Hissing.

Yeah.

It's not very...

It's not.

Can I say something?

I know that fewer people are won over by the written word than by.

I mean, it is, it's not necessarily malady.

I'm struggling to land on the right thing here.

Right.

But it is very much like, you know, when you're looking on maybe Reddit or something for how to do something.

Yes.

And you come across a subgroup of paragraphs where there's just a guy that's just fucking really making you like this.

Hitler would have loved Mythbusters.

Hitler would have fucking loved that show.

Yeah, he's a TLDR.

He would have loved bullshit with Penn and Teller.

Oh, my God.

He would have loved Penn and Teller.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

There's a one who doesn't speak.

The other one, he's always speaking.

I find it's very amusing.

There are certain truths which stand out so openly on the roadsides of life, as it were, but it's not as it were.

Yeah, why did you say as it it were, you fucking beast?

Well, so he's like, this is like a well-worn, established metaphor.

Meanwhile, I think this motherfucker invented highways.

There weren't roadsides prior to it.

You know, I mean, there were highways, but the fucking autobahn.

Did he make the Autobahn?

Yeah, Hitler was the autobahn.

That was Hitler?

Yeah.

There are certain truths which stand out so openly on the roadsides of life, as it were, that every passerby may see them.

Yet, because of their obviousness, the general run of people disregard such truths, or at least they do not make them the object of any any conscious knowledge.

People are so, yeah, I mean, it's

bad.

You suck, dude.

How badly do you have to fuck up to write it like an anti-Semitic manifesto and make it boring?

Yes, come on.

Well, I'll tell you, now I'm glad I never read Mein Kampf because that would have really soured my opinion on the guy.

I've been a pretty open-minded up until this point.

You know, I mean, I had heard that it was chalked up there, right up with DeLillo and

you know,

fucking McCarthy, the Masters.

The Masters.

I don't know.

Who else?

Faulkner?

Mario Puzzo.

It would be funny if Hitler wrote Mario Puzzo.

It would be funny if Hitler wrote it.

The only good writer.

Hitler wrote like Faulkner.

That's the godfather, dude.

It would be funny if Hitler wrote like Faulkner.

Yeah, I don't remember the one book of his I read in high school anymore because I'm stupid.

As I Lay Dying, that was a good one.

That was a good book, book, I remember thinking at the time.

You know what?

I had a teacher that had the Joanne Fabrick's haircut, but she definitely didn't suck dick good.

She was too old, and I never could see it.

She had like sort of bugged eyes.

Didn't seem like somebody that sucked a nice cock.

I'm sorry, I missed the first part.

This is someone that had Diane Fabric vibes, but didn't suck it.

No, no, no, just the haircut.

Yeah.

Oh, just the haircut.

But everything about her, no.

You know what?

If that were a problem, you could always just take a blue chew

to get your penis hard to get your dick sucked off by that woman.

That's absolutely true.

Why don't you tell us a little bit about your experience of blue chew stuff?

Well, I don't know.

First of all, this is the first ever male enhancement format

that's blue.

Absolutely.

That's blue and kill taste.

That you can chew, and then it's candy.

It's the first chewable format pill candy.

It's candy for your penis.

It's candy, and your dick gets hard.

It's candy for your penis.

And personally, I kind of got to it from the candy.

The doctors are calling it a miracle, and you gay if you don't take it.

You're actually gay.

Well, the doctors are in.

The doctors just came in, folks.

The doctors are in, and the answer is blue chew.

A pill?

No.

Yes, actually.

It is.

It's candy.

It's candy.

It's a pill.

It's a pill, sort of.

And four out of five recommend that you taste it with your mouth.

Eat it for your penis.

Get your penis hard and fuck a man in the ass.

You can also take it rectally.

You cannot.

You cannot do it.

put you can take one and get your dick hard enough yeah you scroll down far enough and it's all arabic on the goodreads for ebook wow yeah well i don't know about you guys but i love getting my dick hard and not a lot of stuff does it for me anymore um looking at breasts maybe but what if i'm just alone and there's no breasts to look at and i want my dick to get hard you're trying to imagine breasts pulling your soft penis i'm pulling it i'm tugging at my soft penis

hoping that my dick gets hard.

It never does.

Then I pop a blue chew, and you know, two to seven hours later, my dick is hard as fuck.

But it lasts.

You feel faster.

Well, I don't know.

For some people,

I think the fatter you are, the longer it takes.

That's my guess.

Oh,

your blood is thick.

It's got to work its way through your thickness.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Through your gravy-like blood.

That's why I wouldn't say gravy-like, but yeah, thicker.

I would say thicker than normal.

And anyway, folks, let me tell you,

I chew this fucking thing, and when it's time to get my penis sucked, it is so hard that it is, it is, uh, it hurts my dick sometimes.

That's how hard it gets.

Because people are forcefully sucking at it.

They're no Joanne Fabric.

They don't have the style and penetration.

I have to say,

the one girl I fucked recently did suck dick very well, but some of them haven't.

And it hurts my dick because it's so hard, there's no room for error.

Right.

You know.

But Blue Chew really papers over those cracks.

Well, now, when we're talking about penetration, though, that's when you want an excessively hard dick.

And in the past, it has taken me.

Sometimes I've had to stop and get my dick sucked four times before the erection finally

settles.

Until it finally settled, exactly.

But with Blue Chew, all the dick sucking is ceremonial and the pussy fucking, now that's where the business is at.

It's ceremonial.

It's ceremonial.

Oh, it's not like necessary.

It's not a necessity like it used to be.

So you're used to

it.

Now it's more for you to release doves.

Well,

it is a celebration.

It is ceremonial, eating pussy, getting your dick sucked.

It's a token of wanting to do something for you by the woman.

Whereas in the past, it was an absolute, it's like, you know, the check engine light is on.

It's steaming up.

We have to pull over.

Oh, suck the dick so we can get home.

That's kind of what

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It used to be.

It was like calling.

Roadside assistant.

Whereas now it's like a beautiful hood ornament

on getting pussy.

Yes.

And Blue Chew, that you can do that too, my friends.

They got Viagra knockoffs or

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Remember Papa Smurfka, Lick Your Ass?

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That's what I was thinking about.

And so you can get that shit.

You don't have to go to a doctor like some kind of fucking bitch.

You go to the internet, you lie, and say whatever the fuck they ask you to.

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And guess what you think, what kind of health you should be in to get dick pills.

And you say that.

And then they mail you the dick pills right to your fucking door.

You have your resting heart rate.

Yes, you ask your friend that weighs a hundred pounds less than you what his resting heart rate is, and that's what you put in the form.

And they will mail you dick pills, you'll get hard as shit.

You just dial up fucking blue chew dot 100, 1800, blue

dot pussy, dot blue KKK.

No, that's not it.

Blue chew was taken, so they got blue KKK.

That's not what it is.

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Oh, why would that be one?

L-I-C-K.

Okay.

Just call them up.

It isn't that.

Just punch those numbers, folks.

Just get punching.

I don't think that would even do anything.

You call them up and you're like, is there any way it could be 50 cents?

Don't haggle.

Because the thing is, you don't need to haggle because our listeners.

This is completely free.

It's not free, but we do have some kind of deal, which is, I think, first order free.

You get something.

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Or it's 20% off, or there's free shipping.

I'm going to say the first one's free, if I remember correctly.

I think there's like an introductory.

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Go to come or

come to

come town slash Viagra.

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You know what I should do?

Is just have the links, the promo links on the description?

I can just send them to Cometown.com/slash

the sponsor, and then it'll send them there.

That's good.

Because that way I don't have to remember anything.

That way we don't have to remember anything.

But it'll say for the time, though.

I'm like, fuck it, I'm just so out of it.

We could just print it.

I was looking for the copy, and I'm searching Google Maps.

Why the fuck isn't Blue Chew coming up?

What the fuck is this?

Boston?

This doesn't make any damn sense.

Yeah.

It's going to be funny when I'm like 80 years old and I'm like, what's today?

February?

I got nothing in my head.

Yeah, my brain is

completely shut up.

It's already just like filled with plaque or whatever.

That's crazy that your brain gets fucked up in the same way as your teeth.

Wait, my teeth are any of them

I don't know.

They say something about plaques.

Plaque gets in your brain?

Can you clean it?

Can you brush it?

How about on your body a plaque is bad, but in a business, a plaque is good.

That means you're the best employee of the month.

That's true.

This is what happens to a comedian when you take them away from their audience.

That's right.

It's so funny to imagine all those those club guys just in their house being like, what the hell is what the hell is this over here?

The bathroom?

Hey, what do you do for a living?

You fork?

What do you do?

Put food in my mouth?

What are you fucking what are you fucking

Arab fork?

Whoa, somebody wants to eat dinner, huh?

This dog's been dead for three weeks.

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Notes and ideas starters.

Please use your own language and talk about your own experience.

Oh, my own language.

Okay.

Is that the language you're working on?

Yeah.

It's a new one.

Me and James Cameron are working on it for

avatar too?

No, it's a completely different movie about

there's a world and it's made out of water.

But the water's an alien.

Well, the whole water is.

Yeah, and there's a guy.

There's one guy with gills, but he's an alien.

And Dennis Hopper's in it, and he's part of the bad guys who love it.

Oh, you still.

You talking about Water World?

No, it's a completely different movie.

I forgot Dennis Hopper.

Oh, yeah, and there's that fake Robin Williams in that one, too.

Remember from that?

Welcome to the World of Water.

What's up with that fake Robin Williams guy?

You guys know who I'm talking about?

I don't know.

All I remember is at the very beginning of that movie, he drinks his own piss.

What a fake Robin Williams man.

Isn't there a guy that's like fake Robin Williams in Water World?

He's doing like bits?

He just kind of looks like him.

Ooh.

Oh,

my dick's home.

Let me let's look up the cast here.

Dennis Hopper.

Kevin Costner.

Kevin Pussner.

I'm not seeing anybody that looks like.

No, there is, dude.

There's a guy that looks sort of like

Robin Williams.

Like, if you look, if you

if you search Water World Robin Williams, it comes up.

So, so you've done this before.

No, I just looked it up.

What's his name?

I don't fucking know.

I just feel like I watched it.

And the guy looked like Robin Williams.

You just watched it?

No, look at this guy.

Doesn't he sort of look like Robin Williams?

Adam, what's his name?

I don't know that guy's name, but I remember that guy's face.

Thank you.

What guy?

Can I see him?

I just

like Robin Williams.

I guess he does, dude.

All the closer.

I don't know.

I guess he does.

This guy, he looks kind of like fake Robin Williams.

I have no idea who that is.

I don't even know this.

He's in Water World, bro.

Ooh, I'm gay.

Is this water coming out of a man's house?

Oh,

it's water, but it comes out of your penis.

Stick on the pee, but we put it in a little machine.

Oh, is it a magic lamp?

Can I live in there?

Can you piss in my mouth?

Maybe I can.

Maybe you can piss in me.

Piss in my ass.

Maybe you can piss in my ass, and I'll throw it up, and you can eat the vomits.

What the hell is this guy talking about, man?

This stuff sounds gay, man.

That sounds fucking gay to me, man.

Everybody's turned into a piss-drinking freak just because the fucking world is made out of water.

How about instead of drinking piss, you come over here and suck my fucking cock?

These are some wiki quotes, Dennis Hopper in Water World.

You'd be great instead of water if the entire world was made out of pussy.

Well, that's a good line.

Baby want pussy.

Well, that's where he thought of baby want.

Imagine how good that would feel.

You wake up in the morning, you fall out of your raft, you're knee-deep in a fucking pussy.

That would be good.

I'll smoke to that.

I smoke to that.

I'm the bad guy in the movie because I smoke cigarettes.

Like, that's the biggest fucking problem now that the entire world's made out of water.

And some people like getting cancer.

Wait, the whole world is made out of water?

That's the premise of the movie.

Well, they're trying to find land.

Oh.

There's like a map on a tattoo of a baby or something.

Do they find it at the end, I'm guessing?

There's a tattoo on a baby's penis.

Yeah, and it's the map to the land.

You can't see it unless you get the baby's penis hard.

You gotta get the baby's penis real hard, man.

I'm still trying to figure out who this fucking Robin Williams is talking about.

He looks sort of like Robin Williams.

He's like a fucking bad guy.

Oh, I look like him.

But the difference is I'm Chinese.

I'm actually from China.

Oh, Ching Chong.

Oh, I'm good.

Ooh, Ching, ooh, Chong.

Can you imagine

how China had a Robin Williams over there?

Yeah, I did.

What his name would be.

Did him try to say his own name?

Oh, I can't even pronounce it.

Where the hell did I get my name?

The Goofy Name Store?

Oh, yes, very funny.

Oh, yes.

Very good.

Robin Williams is very funny.

Oh, can you imagine?

If I was in China, I bet it would go a little something like this.

Everybody wants to solve the problems between the United States and China.

And how do you do it?

By being Chinese.

By being Chinese.

Oh, but you can't be Chinese, Robin.

Why not?

Because your name is too hard to say, brother.

Because.

Hell yeah.

One of the just doing stand-up with a wireless microphone.

Like it's Janet Jackson sweating.

Just sweating for free.

Just going from one to the other.

And they got little hats and little ponytail hat wigs.

And they walk around like they own the place.

Walking around.

Here he comes.

Here comes Chinese Brother Man.

Oh, is there anything about that?

What about the brothers in China?

Yeah.

Some of them brothers.

How could you tell?

If they all look alike, maybe some of them are black.

So fucking true, Robin.

Yeah.

I love when he does his black sentence.

So awesome.

Who were the black people in China by Robin Wood?

I didn't even know.

Honestly, that's not a bad bit.

Yeah.

Well, he was a master.

Yeah, he was one of the bad.

Oh, that's actually one of his bits.

It was on his last special.

Yeah.

He came out in like 2011.

I'm About to Kill Myself.

Oh, yeah.

This is the last one of these I'm going to do.

Yeah.

I just found out I got a little disease called.

Called Pocket Suits.

Fuck.

And they said I wasn't supposed to tell anybody.

My agent did not like the idea.

Maybe he's fucking.

Nobody is going to watch a special knowing you're going to die.

Maybe he faked his death to go live as a Chinese man.

Yeah.

No, he's in Jamaica with Bob Marley and Tupac.

Smoking.

Aren't they in Argentina?

Yeah.

Is it Argentina with Hitler?

It's him, George Carlin, Bill Hicks,

Paula Poundstone.

Oh, yeah.

Island somewhere.

The fucking Mount Rushmore of stand-up comedy.

All the legends.

Mm-hmm.

Goddamn.

That sandwich is coming back up.

It'd be cool if Bill Hicks was around for Trump.

You could hear his

takes on that.

He would be funnier than you.

I'm not saying that.

Yeah.

Whatever he said, it would be funnier than what you came up with.

About Trump?

Yeah.

I don't do Trump material.

That's your whole act, dude.

It's not Trump.

You're Mr.

Trump.

No, I don't do Trump-style comedy.

I'm not one of those.

You love it.

It'd be nice if Dennis Hopper were still alive so he could get his take on Robin Williams' death.

That's true.

They were friends, right?

Yeah.

Probably really close.

We worked together on Water World.

Turns out it was a different guy.

Dennis Hopper thought that guy was Robin Williams, too.

Robin.

I'm telling you, there's a weird, like, fake Robin Williams.

He's doing a fucking Robin Williams.

I'm still trying to figure out who the fuck it's.

He's like a guy.

He's like, robs them or something, or like comes on the boat.

He's kind of dressed like Peter Pan, even.

It's weird.

It makes you feel like it's fucking Robin Williams.

He tries to fuck the girls or some shit.

He's like a fucked up guy, and Kevin Costner beats him up.

Honestly, I haven't seen that.

I mean, that movie sucks so much, dick.

I feel like I even might have even watched it at your house.

Water World?

I think so.

No, we watched Sicario.

No, we did.

Did we?

We went on Water Williams.

Is it this guy?

I don't know.

Maybe.

No, it's the guy you're talking about.

I mean, maybe it's it's Kim Coates.

It is.

It's Kim Coates.

Yes.

It's Kim Coates from Sons of Anarchy.

Because I found the screenshots.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

It's the screenshot.

Oh, my God.

That is him.

They got the same nose.

But he's also doing Robin Williams stuff in the movie.

Like, he's doing an impression.

Yeah.

Kim Coates.

Fake-ass Robin Williams.

I bet you he did that a lot in the 90s.

He played fake Robin Williams.

I mean, Christian Slater's whole thing is so funny.

Jack Nicholson.

Well, yeah, he's just been doing an an impression of Jack Nicholson, which other people have pointed out, obviously.

Yeah, of course.

This isn't.

Why are you saying, yeah, of course?

Because you would have.

No, you heard that.

That was one of the things I told you that you did not pick up.

I probably roasted you in the past for pointing it.

One of Adam's words.

So now you're trying to reverse the yeah, of course.

But

you're remarking on it as a matter of reality rather than the discovery of a bit.

It is wild that you're allowed to have such a career

and be such a fraud.

That's how good some guys are.

You can just do an impression of them.

It's pretty good.

What should I do?

Should I be Dom De Louise?

You should be a Jackie Chan, dude.

We should all be Dennis Hopper.

I can't do the voice.

You can.

You should be Dennis Hopper.

Dennis Hopper rocked.

Yeah.

I should just steal Jackie Chan's whole thing.

You could be Jackie Chan.

You understand the words

that are coming out of my ass.

That's good.

Pretty good.

You don't say it with enough.

Brush Hour 3 starring Dennis Hopper and Chinese Robin Williams.

There was a Rush Hour 3.

Rush Hour 4 starring

Rush Hour 4, Tokyo Lisp.

That's good.

I bet, yeah.

Fast and Furious 8, Tokyo Lisp.

They're like, maybe you need a gay guy.

Maybe.

Maybe we have

gadgets for these.

Tokyo Lisp.

This time they're gay.

Yeah, I don't know if we could use a gay guy, but I guess we'll figure it out.

Drifting in little cars into each other's asses.

Dom, you know I'm a fucking lesbian, right?

Yeah, in real life.

Not in the movie.

Not in the movie.

Not in the movie.

You suck my dick in the movie.

You suck my dick like Joanne.

Just on your birthday.

Every other year, I'm a lesbian.

I can see that.

I can see her being like a 90% lesbian, 10%

dick on special occasions type.

Who Michelle?

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

Do you think you could handle having sex with her, Adam?

Or would she be too powerful for you?

I mean, I think I'd bust, but I'd come out black and blue.

That's for damn sure.

I'd be coming out bloody.

Did you realize they busted inside your eyes?

Yes, I did.

I am gay.

You know I did.

I love Kanye so much.

Are you voting for him?

No, but I love that he's just trying to fuck up the election.

Yeah, he's fucking insane.

He's insane, and he's beautiful.

It's a beautiful mind, beautiful troll.

It is a beautiful mind.

I like that he's advocating setting up

if there was a way to canonize people in the church of trolling, he would be a saint.

He would be one of the first.

He is a great troll.

Yeah.

Because every time, I mean, he always just pushes people's buttons whenever he has an album coming out.

He knows exactly what to do.

Yeah.

And well, he's not even trying to.

It's effortless with him.

That's just a test.

That's exactly when to stop taking the pills.

Those are his natural movements.

Yeah.

You're probably right, Adam.

He probably is.

I think he's like, I got an album out.

I'm going to stop taking the pills, finish it.

I'm going to become the Hulk.

Declare myself the Pope.

The trolling Hulk.

Yeah.

Boom, bum, bum.

And then go away for 18 months, come back.

It's a good cycle he's on.

Did you realize?

Did you realize your penis gets too small to have sex?

Yes, I did.

Yes, I did.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Did you realize

Your penis was dismal.

Did you have sex?

Yes, I did.

Yes, I did.

Just going small.

I got to figure out first for the fall season of Cometown, I got to figure out a new voice to do.

I'm tired of Jeff Goldblum.

Jeff Goldblum had a nice run, though.

It is really nice to use the show as an outlet to figure out a voice and then spend like three months repeating the same jokes in that voice.

Yeah.

And being like, well, time to figure out a new episode.

Time for a new guy.

I guess I only got one episode out of Mr.

Feeney.

That's true.

Mr.

Feeny should come back, man.

Every once in a while.

Yeah, because that's it.

I'm gay, Mr.

Matthews.

Mr.

Matthews, show me your penis.

Oh, Mr.

Shapiro,

Mr.

Shpiro, show me your penis.

I was wondering if you wanted to show me your penis white.

Mr.

Shiro, stay after class.

He's not British either, huh?

No, he's a Boston Brahmin.

That shit's fucked up.

So you're telling me in the fucking 40s, everyone talked like that?

No, only people from Boston.

That's one of those.

How did they become like the guys that talk like

more like working class?

I'm gay kid.

The working class took over

the regional culture of the area.

Because like New York had an accent like that.

Like

FDR had

the New York equivalent.

The only thing I have to suck is dick itself.

Yeah,

that's true.

Not even,

I mean, it's at a certain point, it's like worse than just saying the N-word and laughing at it.

No, just being like, who else?

Fucking Robert McNamara.

I don't know what he sounds like.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

I sat down with the president, and we decided that I'm gay.

That's good.

I looked at the president.

I'm loving that.

Me and the president, we looked at the situation in Cuba, and I said to him,

Mr.

President, in all honesty, I am a gay man.

That's good.

He said,

why are you telling me this right now?

I don't care.

The entire world is on the brink of nuclear war, and you're telling me me now that you are gay and i said yes

yes i listen it's it's never an ideal time to come out of the closet but the s in robert s mcnamara a lot of people they think it stands for nothing but it actually stands for sucking pieces

so fucking true

boom bomb

yeah it's weird that's fucked up Do anybody, so nobody, though, still talks like that, right?

There's not like a young person that talks like Mr.

Feeny.

Feeny.

Yeah, maybe someone decided to make that their action.

Oh, I forgot.

His middle name stands for Strange.

Strange?

Yeah, that's real?

Yeah, because S, I always.

I remember the S stood for something retarded.

Yeah.

And it's strange.

Strange?

Joe Biden's got a weird middle name, too.

It's like Teresa or something.

That's awesome.

He's got a girl's name?

Yeah, it's funny.

It's Joe, like Claudette Biden.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Robinette.

That's it.

His name's Robinette.

Yeah, Joseph Robinson

rules, dude.

What is that, a family name?

Probably.

Wow.

Some people make their kids' middle name the woman's maiden name.

I've seen that done before.

Yeah, that's fairly common.

Yeah.

No, his mom's last name was Finnegan.

Who the fuck is Robinette?

His father's name is also Joseph Robinette Biden.

Sr.

Yeah.

And there's no, his father was born in 1512, so there's no record of

they didn't have such good record keeping back then.

Apparently, he had a bad stutter, and Frontline did this special on like the presidents or whatever.

And they tried to frame his current like fuck-ups as part of a stutter, which it's like, that's clearly not from a stutter.

He's been in the public eye for 50 years.

Yeah, right.

And he was a very good, like, even when he was running, when Obama ran the mother, like, have you guys seen clips of that motherfucker talking?

You're like, oh, he's actually, like, good at speaking.

Well, wasn't he, like, caught?

He was like plagiarizing, but I guess it wasn't funny.

He could always.

He would do a gaffe, but the motherfucker could talk.

He did, yeah, he was good at like the folksy stuff.

It is good.

And then my pop would sit me on his knee.

Like that kind of stuff.

But I mean, he could talk.

It's not like now the motherfucker can't even fucking

finish a sentence.

It sucks that we'll never get to be in World War II.

No, it would have been.

That sucks.

World War II sounds awful.

No, I would have loved being in World War II.

You would have liked it.

Being in Banner Brothers.

That would have been awesome.

No,

I'm going to camp.

I'm back on the Robert McNamara Wikipedia page.

Was he in World War II?

Yeah, everybody was.

I guess that's true.

Every single fucking guy was in, you would have to go to war, and then you do something cool.

What if you were fat as shit?

Then, no.

You're the cook.

Do I get to stay home and fuck everyone's wives?

Yeah, probably.

That would have been my.

Well, that's why nobody, people are like, Americans have gotten fatter.

It's like, no, they just fattened back up.

That's right.

Because all the fat people stayed here.

Well, they got all the pussy.

Yeah.

They ate it.

That's true.

The dust bowl used to be filled with cereal, and then they ate all of it while everyone was at war.

And they were like, what the hell is this?

A bunch of dust?

I know that timeline does, it's kind of the opposite, but that makes it checks out.

It makes sense to me.

Yeah, the dust came after the grapes of wrath.

I would have gotten out of it.

I would have probably just stayed behind.

Hello, Penice.

Hello, Penice.

Dr.

Lecter, you know my name is Clarice.

Well, what if I called you Penice?

What if I talked about sucking you like you're a giant cock?

Wait, I've got a new character.

There we go.

Okay.

Hello, Elector.

It's about damn time.

Hello, Penis.

Hello, Penice.

What if I undressed you and you're a giant penis?

You had the balls and the foreskin.

Just like...

Just like fucking like buff firemen and thongs all over his prison cell.

Posters.

Posters.

Posters of like

hot guys.

Yeah, just a Zach Efron poster.

Hello, Clarice.

Hello, Penice.

Yeah, Dr.

Lecter's down here because he would kiss his victims on the lips.

One of the craziest.

He kissed them in the sun.

He was crazy.

Dr.

Lecter, we can use his expertise.

Don't shy away from using the man just because he was a homo.

So he's in jail for being gay, to be clear.

It's funny because

when

they try to kiss him, he's in jail for being gay.

He's in a sanitarium for the criminally insane.

This is the gayest man I've ever seen.

One of the most criminally insane people I've ever seen.

It's criminal.

You know, they were going to cast Michael Richards as their role originally.

That's not true.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Hello, peace.

Jerry.

That's more of a Wayne Knight than

you got.

There's more Wayne Knight.

Hold on, but I'm doing the thing.

No, it's still Wayne Knight.

I'm seeing Wayne Knight.

I'm seeing news.

I'm seeing two.

I'm doing.

You guys in whom can't see it.

I'm doing a flawless body impression of Kramer's body language.

I'm gay.

There was something I was going to look up, and I forgot it.

Oh.

Oh, I'm gay.

Do we have any more ads or no?

Oh, yeah.

What time is it?

I think we're

55.

Oh, then, yes.

In that case, you go gamble in my book at that age.

In that case, folks, you want to.

Folks, you want to take your money and you want to gamble.

You want to go gamble.

You want to gamble?

Is that what you want to do?

You want to gamble?

Oh, fuck.

Nick just let out another one.

Yeah.

And it's going to be bad because I've been living off protein powder for the last couple days because I refused to buy groceries.

What flavor?

Well, you're not going to pick up on that

at this point.

Now that it's been through a part of my body I like to refer to as the wasteland.

What but what flavor out of curiosity?

Vanilla quesin.

Nice.

Yeah.

Vanilla queso?

Yeah, vanilla queso.

Yeah, hell yeah.

Now we're talking.

They let fat start making protein powder flavors.

Yeah.

Tacos.

Damn.

Damn, it's that fucking time of year, folks.

Antonio Brown is on the Raiders.

Odell Beckham Jr.

is on the Cleveland Browns.

Damn, I got a good search history going on here.

Porky the Pig, Mein Conf in English.

Mein Conf quotes.

Craigslist NYC.

Waterworld, Dennis Hopper.

Waterworld, Robin Williams, Kim Coates, and Kurt Sutter.

Nice.

Who's Kurt Sutter again?

Kurt Sutter's the guy that that created Sons of Anarchy.

That's right, that's right.

He's married to Peg Bundy.

Yeah, he is.

In real life?

He used to have a video podcast called

What the Fuck?

It was called like WTF at the height of Mark Maron's thing being popular.

And I don't think he was even aware that Mike.

That's awesome.

Is he like, what's this dude?

He's like a real biker guy?

I don't know.

He writes TV.

No, I think he's like, he's similar to that Pizzolato guy where he's good at his job, but then they talk.

Because I remember liking, I watched the first four episodes of True Detective.

I was like, oh, this is a good show.

And then I saw some interview with him.

Oh, yeah.

I think

it was a little bit of a show.

Yeah, his personality ruined it for me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The first one is good.

The first season.

But that's what makes somebody good at fiction or drama is that they

could get...

What the fuck is that?

Did you hear that?

It's my front door, probably.

Oh.

Yeah, I think it's a door.

That resonated in my head a a weird way.

I thought it was like an elephant.

I'm with

you.

It did sound crazy.

Anyways, mybookie.ag is a fucking website.

Where you can go and you can fucking get

where everybody knows your name.

Where everybody sees your damn

sucks you off.

You can place bets.

You can do live in-game wagering.

And this they guarantee that you'll win every bet.

Yeah.

You know what?

We're going to go ahead right here and go to copy.

We're going to go to copy.

Folks, hang by for a second.

Definitely don't fast forward as we go to copy on this advertisement.

Do not fast forward.

If you fast forward, I'll fuck you.

I'll fuck your ass.

I'll fuck you in the ass.

I will find you, and I will put my thumbs in your ass.

We're going to bust inside your head.

I'm going to tickle your balls and fuck you.

Oh, boy, they say, brother,

you better believe we're going to fuck you in the ass, brother.

And there's little old me, little white boy in jail.

First time going to jail.

And here's young Robin.

William's graphic recounting of his time in jail in 1977

in his latest special

leaves something to be desired.

Ooh,

and they pull you off in a sound.

God, God, save me.

But the gods in on it.

They paid him off.

Hello,

being raped.

Yes.

That is correct.

My bookie turned.

My fucking bookie.ag.ague.

That's where, listen, where I have to.

You have to go to mybookie.ag.

It's a new website.

They have gambling.

You like gambling?

You go to the website my bookie.ag.

They're putting your credit card and it's very secure.

They take the information

and they put it, they write it down on a piece of paper, and they remember it, and then they fold it up little pieces and

eat it, and it becomes shit to them.

That is what they think of your money as they teach.

It's shit to them.

And that you say that sounds bad, but if you think about it, if your money is shit, they will not steal it.

That's true.

So, my book.

You will be thrown in prison, where you will get what they call the Robert Robin Williams treatment.

Where they say what

we will run him out like we did Robin Williams when he visited Turkey as a teenager.

When he came here as a teenager and he accidentally touched the beautiful drapes,

when he visited the mayor's house and touched the beautiful drapes on tour and he spent weekend in Turkish jail

and he thought we wanted to hear porky pig voice,

But instead, we fuck his ass.

That's right.

Instead, we fuck his ass and his body becomes fucked.

Ooh, are you the type of fan that knows football so well that you could choose any game and call it?

Well, my bookie is the place for you because they let you turn all your sports knowledge into cash in your wallet.

I love that, dude, because I have a lot of sports.

Oh damn, that hurts my lip makes my lips tingle to do that.

What?

It makes your lips tingle to sing the Jeopardy thing.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Between football season, NBA, and the start of college basketball season, it's time to get off the sideline and get in on the action with my bookie.

If you're the kind of guy who likes to bet a little to win a lot, try a parlay, brother man.

And for all the slick brother players we got out there,

for instance, if you like a couple, it's funny because both him and Billy Crystal, it's like you met one black person

in 1967, yeah, one ever,

and then you're like, that's been the touchstone, yeah.

It's like, don't worry, I got it.

Here comes the character now.

I can do him just fine.

I'm gay.

If you're the kind of guy who likes to bet a little or win a lot, try a parlay.

For instance, if you like a couple of the big favorites this week, parlays are perfect because they let you bet multiple times,

multiple games together for a much bigger payout.

So, if you're going to bet this season, do the smart thing.

Go to mybookie.ag because no one gives you more ways to win, pal.

Tired of watching the games from the couch with nothing to gain?

My bookie wants to get your mind off everything else and back on the game.

The best way to get your mind back on the game is the prospect of losing thousands of dollars.

Your whole fucking down payment on your house.

The problem with watching sports is that you can't get enough into it.

So you need to have a financial incentive to do so.

And so you lock yourself into this system of a gambling addiction.

And look, you probably already got the virus in you.

And if you're going to bug chase, we're saying do it at our club.

Come to my hookie.ag once you swap, spit, go bare back with a couple of the fellas in-house.

That's right.

Yeah, we'd like you to be if you're gonna bug chase, do it as safely as possible.

Why don't you bug chase see you?

That's what my hookie.ajo

my parents told me.

Hey, I got a fucking bug you can chase right here, pal.

Why don't you come over here, Sugar Titch?

I got a bug and a bug.

No, I got HIV from roughing up a guy that owed us a couple of used condoms.

The gay mafia?

Yeah, Well, the regular mafia, but I was on used condom detail because I disrespected the boss's daughter.

I told the boss his daughter she'll never be a Joanne fab.

I say with those lips, sweetie,

you ain't never gonna be a Joanne fab.

I said, what the fuck is the matter with you?

You're gonna say my daughter is never gonna give a good birthday, dick suck.

You fucking come you come in here and disrespect me by saying my daughter's never gonna gonna suck a penis

on your fucking birthday before getting back in her five SL 500

driving all the way to the charity event with the fucking Italian the one we fucking talked about already

the one from before he's got the tinted glasses

And she rubs her on her lower back and it makes you feel uncomfortable, but it doesn't fucking matter anymore because she just sucks a fucking crock

when you are a fucking doorman

You were a fucking doorman, and Reagan was just about to fuck everything up.

So, what'd you do?

You fucking checked out.

Mentally, you checked out.

A whole generation.

Are you okay?

I don't know.

I don't feel so

man.

So, go to mybookie.agu.

If you join right now, my bookie will match your deposit halfway all the way up to $1,000.

That means if you deposit $2,000, you get an extra $1,000 and free money to play with.

And I got something else you can play with right here, bitch.

What is it?

Or if you got an extra $1,000,

something free that you can play with with your lips.

If you know what I mean.

Just use promo code, enter promo code.

All right, come town.

Either come town or come town 20.

One of those.

Figure it out.

Come town or come town 20.

Once again, that's promo code.

So take advantage of my bookie's generous sign-up offer.

Visit mybookie.ag today.

You play, you win, you get paid.

You get paid, you get laid.

You get slayed.

You get your dick sucked.

You ever listen to Metallica?

You ever make pussy with listening to me?

Recently, I've been listening to Metallica.

I've been playing for whom the bell tolls.

I love the way that the music is metal and the name of the band is Metallica.

I love saying it.

I love having the idea of having sex with a woman made out of metal.

With a woman that's like Metal Mario, but she's a woman.

But she's got a pussy.

I love the idea of making sex to Metal Mario, but she's got big tits.

Six feet tall,

all legs.

Just a leggy Metal Mario that I have sex with.

Ah, that's right, folks.

The fuck is the matter with you?

What is wrong with you?

Metal Mario is supposed to be a fucking metal man.

He's a fucking guy.

He's fucking made out of Marl.

None of this fucking Metallica shit.

Michael Douglas.

What do I tell you about this fucking Metallica shit?

You see this guy?

He come in here.

He says he's going to have sex with Metal Mario, and she's a girl now.

Oh, whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Listen, I don't know about this.

Come on.

I don't know about this shit.

Metal Mario's got a fucking cock.

Metal Mario.

You tell me you're going to chop his metal cock off.

What the hell is it?

He's supposed to be Joanne Fabric.

Yeah, I thought I was going to fucking Joanne Fabric.

Whoa.

And that's it for me, folks.

I'm going to kill myself.

Robin Williams' latest special, I'm About to Kill Myself, leads a lot to be desired.

Initially, he starts going off about Water World and something about Joanne Fabricks before hinting at the fact that he was raped

and that he would prefer to be in China.

And then what about the black guys in China?

And then there's something about Joanne Fabricks again at the end in the Sopranos, and then

he just just walks off stage.

But a true artist, I would love to watch that special man of a thousand voices.

The one we just described.

Yeah.

Just hand Robin Williams a set list.

Yep.

I don't know what it means, but I'll do my best.

He is a fucking great performer.

You got to give the man that.

As an actor, he's unbelievable.

Electric.

Unmatched.

Except maybe my dick.

He and Christopher Reeves were boys.

boys rift all of Mrs.

Dabfire.

That's right.

That was supposed to be Matilda.

Yeah.

They hired him to play the fucking dad in Matilda.

And he was like, oh, what if I dress up like a dumb bitch?

What if I have tits?

What if I had a big pair of jersey tits

and you could suck on them?

Oh,

fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck my pussy.

Folks, listen, if you want to come see some of this style of humor live, I'll be at McGooby's Joke House Halloween weekend.

And if you want to see it on a t-shirt, you can go to come.town.

There's new shirts.

New shirts available.

New shirt alert.

Check out the shirts.

New shirt alert.

The shirts are funding my addiction to

making more shirts.

You do love making shirts.

The shirts are kind of self-sustaining at this point, but I do love making the shirts.

Yestavi da biz,

all my tour dates are there.

And, you know, pretty soon it will be calendar season.

So don't

we are hard at work at the Stavi Baby Factory making Stavi Baby 2021 calendars.

Stav's got his little elves, or little elves are working overtime to make your calendars.

And they prep your calendars.

Little Stavs.

That would be cute.

Portly little elf poor little elf boys.

That's right.

Wow, you ever think about how the elves in the factory?

It's like capitalist.

It's like

Karl Marx.

I'm going to do a two-hour podcast this week on the elves factory.

Where they need a union.

And the proletariat and

Trotsky.

What about the whole?

The elves don't own the means of

Marxist-Leninism.

Hold on, what about the wholetariat?

Yeah.

You can get plenty of people.

sex workers.

That's so true.

That's cool.

Okay.

Well, all right.

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