Ep. 228 – Teflon Tussin

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Pussy.

Pussy, pussy, pussy.

She had me come bust up that old chiffer robe.

Come over here and let me get some of that pussy hole.

I'll go bust up that chiffero for him.

She said, hold your dick with the baby on.

Little Robuck on

your coat on your dick with the baby on.

Why don't you hold your dick with the baby on?

A penguin classic to kill a mocking bird.

As presented

by the Come Town players from memory.

The Come Town Players and Pimps.

Oh, damn.

Somebody's got to be.

I wish we had like a Foley board.

I wish I had a complete Foley board so I could do radio plays.

You should just get one, dude.

Yeah.

Who cares?

Just like footsteps in a big hallway.

Well, another day being a lawyer, another day to go home to my child sport and the other one Pringus or whatever.

Yeah.

Pringus and Sports.

Whatever the fucking other one is.

Just another day here in 1940s, fucking

Mississippi or wherever you're.

Getting guilty black people off.

That's the door.

I'm using a door.

And now.

And that's me getting into my car.

You're just joining us.

You're listening to the radio play of To Kill a Mockingbird.

By Memory on NPR.

I'm driving home.

Thank you, Stop Ross.

When I drive home, I like to think about how racist things are in the South

where I live.

Seems like everything's in black and white.

And it's fall now.

It's fall in the south.

And the thing is, the south is hot, but the leaves...

And I've run over a black person accidentally.

And

they're like, oh,

we saw you run over that colored fellow back there.

And we were about to arrest you for murder, but I didn't realize your famous lawyer, Atticus Finch.

Oh, please, I beg of you, you have to arrest me.

You've got to arrest me.

You have to arrest me.

I have to face justice just like this man I ran over would if he had done the same to me.

Well, we've actually been following him.

He's baby arm Joe, and he's been using his tiny arm to make his penis look bigger, which is a crime in Mississippi.

Is it a crime when a white man does it?

Yes.

Yes, it's a crime for everybody.

This really isn't a racing.

I know you

wanted to feel he's tricking women.

All right, well, in that case, I guess I'll go home scot-free.

Time to start my car back up.

Thank you, Starbrose.

I'm on my way back to my house.

Still thinking about racism here in the south.

That's what it sounds.

This is the sound of fall

horses.

The horde of wild

Mississippi horses.

Here comes the sheriff on his horse next to my Corvette.

How are you doing there, Atticus?

Very good.

I'm glad I make so much money as a lawyer to be able able to afford such a nice race car here in the South.

It looks very good.

It's the finest race car in the South.

What year is this again?

It's 1950.

The Corvette's existing.

Sometime in the, somewhere between 1920 and 1955.

And it was the first year of the Corvette.

It's 1927, the first year of the Corvette.

And I got the first one as the least racist lawyer in the South.

But still a racist from the second one.

But still a racist.

If you don't, don't forget, I just ran over a black man and killed him.

And the police let me go because he had committed a different crime.

And I demanded justice for myself, but now I'm second-guessing it, and now I'm home.

That's cool.

And here's

walking up the steps to my

and I'm opening the door.

And then here's my

child, my androgynous daughter, Sport.

Sports!

Hi, Dan!

What is that?

Your penis?

It's my pussy!

Why do you make a spring noise?

I don't know either, Dad.

You'll have to help me.

I'm blind, as you remember, from the movie, I think.

I don't think so.

I don't think you were blind.

Anyway, so you were just asking me how court was today.

It was court, Dad.

Bad.

We had

the question of whether you're allowed to teach evolution in schools came up, and

I think there was me and 12 other jurors, and we were angry.

And one of them

there was a monkey in the courtroom.

The monkey's right here, Dad.

Ah, yes, the monkey's at our house.

That's why we I can hear him.

Sometimes I forget as a blind man

because I've been blinded by the injustice of racial South,

whether the sounds are

what their context is, whether they're part of a narrative flashback or happening in the moment as I'm reciting the details of the story.

You have to understand.

Anyways,

yeah, there was a kid.

He's on trial for stabbing somebody.

And there's one guy who's Italian, so he's from the slums, and he knows how a switchblade works.

That's right.

And then the guy who does the voice is

I'm Scow.

That's my daughter, Scow Badam.

Oh, sorry.

Adam, how did you get here?

I'm in the mocking brain.

You know what I mean?

It sounds less like Marge and more like Jared from Super Jail.

Yeah.

Sort of.

It sounds almost exactly like Jared from the bottom.

My voice is fluid.

Yeah.

Anyways,

and then so

where are we?

In the heat of the night, what is this again?

So a Puerto Rican kid stabbed stabbed someone there was a weird boy named Boop.

That's right, that's right.

And

the guy that does the voice of Winnie the Pooh says that he was probably innocent.

That's right.

All right, well, anyways, on the way home, I ran over this black guy who's

and he had all these pieces of a shift robe in his pockets.

And, you know, I thought maybe he stole the shift robe.

Apparently, this woman, a bitch, if you

asked him to bust it up for her,

and he was fucking her or something and I don't know

that's a really really interesting day dad and then uh now wait now I'm remembering it is

uh the husband came home

and saw the the baby arm Joe uh f

finger fi putting his baby on

the whole baby arm went in the guy's wife's pussy into the wife's pussy you know honestly I I can't fucking remember something

but the cops let you off I know Maybe you should.

Maybe as my son, Adam,

you should lecture me on why I should really press to be charged or something.

Dad, you always taught us to do the right thing.

You're right, I should do the right thing.

You kids go hang out with that retard across the street.

I'm going to go back to the courthouse and demand to be thrown in jail.

Oh, the retard?

Boop, Riley.

And

I'm going to be the man that decides to prosecute himself for racism in the South.

And I'm the mockingbird.

To suck the mockingbird.

Wait, you said there's a second book?

Yeah,

Go Kill a Watchman.

Go Kill a Watchman.

It came out like.

Gentlemen, we're in the middle of a play.

Oh, yeah, right, right.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

We're actors.

Don't you understand that?

You have to always study the drama.

You never stop.

I'm sorry.

Go to court, Dad.

And then I'm in.

Bye, Dad.

Taking my Corvette to court.

And here I am at the courthouse.

Yeah, drifting to the courthouse.

And I'm

the doors open.

Judge

Atticus Finch, the best fucking

swinging cock in the whole world.

The best motherfucking lawyer we've ever seen in the South.

One of the fucking greatest.

What do you want?

What's up?

What the hell's going on?

I ran over some colored guy on the way home.

I want to be put to death for it.

What do you mean?

I'm charging myself, but you're not the DA.

Yes, I am.

I'm the DA, but I'm also, I'm so good at the law that I'm both.

I did both, Your Honor.

And we're going to have a whole trial where I argue

against yourself.

It's about white fragility.

It's because black people are done talking to white people about race.

They're done.

It's not hard.

It's our job.

Yes.

Yes.

I was thinking, I was on my way home and I thought to myself, what if Dato was black?

Would we be okay having him as a slave?

A robot slave.

He kind of is one, though.

That's what I'm getting at.

Race, the final frontier.

These are the voyages of my Toyota Prius to Portland, Oregon, to participate in the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone.

Where really I'm just going to see if I can get some tent pussies.

I'm trying to get tent stinky tent pussies.

I'm trying to get just disgusting tent pussy.

Because I went to Bonnaroo when I was 15 and struck out.

And now I can never get it out of my mind that I can't live that down.

Just getting some nasty deadhead pussy.

Okay, Atticus, we'll let you have your trial.

If only there was some kind of sound effects going on to make this world more livable.

What it is, ho, what's up?

Just get some cut

here in the courthouse.

Cut you up like you ain't being cut.

Teach your ass how to really catch a nut.

Give me your number and I'll call.

Well, I'm in tearing down your walls.

You can suck a mar balls.

I'll follow that ass to the mall.

Everybody in the neighborhood, everybody.

Meanwhile, everybody in the neighborhood think I'm scary.

I don't think so, boop.

Rob?

They call me boo because they think I'm scary, but I'm actually just a um retarded.

They think I k they think I kill people.

Can I see your big retard penis?

That's the thing, is the surprise twist at the end is that I was the one that raped a woman.

They blamed it on the black eye.

I turned out to be the secret villain at the end.

That's what go catch a watchman's about.

That's what you go catch.

Go catch the real the rapist in the movie.

Is that how Tu McKill Muckingberg ends?

The retards raping?

Absolutely.

And Robert Duvall actually plays Boo Rabbi.

Did you know that?

In the movie?

That's like one of his first roles.

Oh, wow.

I didn't realize.

He's like, you gotta play the retard slow.

You gotta play the retard mentally slow.

You gotta come in and think about a real the card he's got a real slow mind

when he thinks about things are real slow down.

That's him teaching his seminar on playing a retard on acting that Sean Penn

attended.

Yeah, if I wanted to play a retard like you did, yeah, there's probably a big on the set of colors.

Can you tell me how to play a retard?

I can't do Sean Penn at all.

I can do Chris Penn.

Okay, it's me, Chris Penn, standing in for my brother Sean.

I'm Chris Penn.

I'm Chris Penn, and I'm fucking, I'm fucking, I'm Sean Penn.

I'm Chris Penn from

Corky Romano and I'm gay secretly.

And I'm gay.

That's the joke.

Yeah, and he can't read, right?

Oh yeah, he can't read.

Oh man, when he orders wise

and gentlemen.

Let me read that Bucky Road.

They're like, sir, we have three plates.

And they're like, we don't have that.

And then it just pans out and it's just vanilla and chocolate.

Let me get a pistachio.

Yeah, yeah.

As for pistachio.

Shouts out to Corky Romano.

A great great movie.

Yeah, it's very funny.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you're about to witness a trial never before seen in the state of

Texarkana.

Texas.

Texadelphia.

Here in the southern city of Philadelphia.

It was a gusty wind.

We've let sand in.

There's sand.

There's a sandstorm in the trial, and we're all

entering a biblical journey through

the Baja.

I took mescaline before the trial

to thoroughly dissociate so that I could play the role of both prosecutor and counsel for the defense.

No one has ever attempted this before, but I'm putting myself on trial for racism because it's more important that we show internal accountability, especially while on drugs,

than it is for us to lecture others because societal change only comes through the man directed outwards.

And what I did, and I admit to it, objection, Your Honor,

I don't want to admit to it.

But

sustain.

I don't, yeah, who's the judge?

Who's playing the judge?

I'm the judge.

Anyways, our first witness is the retard from across the street.

You may approach the bench or

the chair.

The stand.

The stand.

That's right.

That's what it's called.

Thank you.

Can I ask you a question, Judge?

No,

the lawyer asked you the question.

But I just have a question real quick.

Okay, real quick.

Make it quick.

I'm the other judge.

Yeah, we got two judges in the chat.

Two judge situations.

There's one attorney and two judges.

It's bizarro court.

We use

a Napoleonic code in this state.

We have one straight judge and one gay judge.

And I am the gay one.

Am I allowed to go to the bathroom and the seat?

No.

No, you may not.

You can use Judge Adams' mouth.

In that case, I request a mistral.

You're not the lawyer, boy.

I've already gone to the bathroom and the seat.

Annicus,

your witness is being retarded right now.

Objection from the judge.

I'm objecting to him.

Your Honor, at least allow me to cross-examine him first.

You haven't examined him.

I did, Mr.

Picard.

Mr.

Radley, can I call you Boo?

Do you mind if I call you Boo?

Oh, you're asking me?

Yes.

Yeah, everybody calls me that.

And why do they call you Boo?

And he looks, you know, towards the jury, eyebrow raised.

Because I'm scary, because I'm retarded.

That's right.

And is there anyone in this courtroom that's scary to you?

Yeah.

Do you mind pointing them out for us?

And then Boo Radley pointed at the black guy.

Who isn't on trial, who was just there

for some reason, even though he had been run over by Atticus Finch.

He was dead.

And why does he scare you?

Because he's a ghost.

Whoa.

And maybe that's the lesson we can all learn: is that it's not black people that scare us, but ghosts.

And we often, because they're dark, we think they, you know, that they come from ghost town.

Right.

Yeah.

Case club.

My case.

Really?

You don't want to.

Are you sure you don't want to ask any more questions or present any more witnesses in this trial you demanded of yourself?

It's the British judge.

Please join us.

It's me, the British judge.

There's now three judges.

You can tell he's British.

And it's wearing a wig.

There's a secret clause hidden in the Constitution that says if a man ever goes on trial for himself, that British law supersedes American law and it's our way of sneaking back in after the Revolution.

What have you done?

Because we knew that racism and America's attempt

to dismantle it would always bring down.

And that's why we intentionally lost the Revolutionary War because baked into

the American genesis was an inherent contradiction of equality while upholding slavery and something along that.

But we're back is the point.

And now we're British.

Right.

It's the 60s or 50s.

That's the year of the

year of the Corvette.

And now we're back.

And I have my own Corvette.

And I'm going to drive it.

And I will.

And I'm gay.

And I will know.

Going down.

And one more thing.

I'm gay.

And by the way,

I forgot to mention.

And the surprise.

Mr.

Finch, what have you done?

When the British are back and this time we're gay.

We're going to have sex with all of you.

Have gay sex.

Bring about 400 years of gay British rule like you've never seen.

And I'm, by the way,

I'm gay.

Mr.

Finch,

wow, this has been the Cometown Players present.

Fucking the birds.

But fuck the birds.

If you enjoyed tonight's presentation of the Cometown Players NPR broadcaster

to kill a mockingbird from memory, join us next week for Glen Gary Glen Wilson.

Hey, you drink coffee, you fucking faggot?

Hey, what are you getting?

I'm not touching no Indians.

Yeah, something like that.

I'm mad that you made me call an Indian guy.

The three letters, ABC what the hell is this you come into this office you think you can talk to me like this you fucking piece of shit

I'm a piece of shit you're a piece of shit

the shit the shitty pieces inside of that piece of shit are your fucking that's shit that you shit out you fucking cocksucker I'm a man

David Mammet was one of the greatest writers

David Mammet's

monologue he wrote for Alec Baldwin's character who didn't appear in the initial play, is regarded as one of the greatest pieces of American writing of all time.

Let's see an excerpt now.

If you can forget, what do you want to sell stuff?

Well, too bad you can't because your dick's too fucking small

pussy.

Well, you got a problem with that?

Why don't you take a look at this watch?

How about I take it off, shove it so far up your fucking ass,

you know, you're fucking.

You'd be telling time with your tonsil.

It tastes like fucking, you know, minutes.

You'll taste like

you guys.

You fucking piece of shit.

Come on, show this fucking watch so far up your fucking bitch ass

that it tastes like fucking alarm clocks.

That you're fucking throwing up fucking tiny gears.

Yeah, fucking gears coming out of your ears.

Gears for ears.

You fuck.

Let's go to the board, ABC.

You know what that stands for, you fucking retards?

You fucking re- I'm talking talking to you, you piece of shit.

What's your name, Levine?

What's that?

Jewish?

What is that?

A Jew, a fucking Jew name?

Yeah, yeah.

Where'd you get that?

The fucking, at the same place, this guy got his watch?

That I'm putting in his ass.

By the way.

Where'd you get that name?

The same place I left my watch is up this guy's.

Watch store.

What do you do?

What did this guy do?

Shit out watch pieces all over your birth certificate?

And that's your name?

It's fucking watchy McGew face.

Is you?

Hey, what's that stand for?

Always B, B, C, closing.

Closing what?

Your fucking mouth.

All right?

When I'm in here, when a man's speaking,

you can do one thing.

You can open your mouth and put my fucking cock in it.

Outside of that,

your mouth stays closed until it's question time.

And that's when I ask you the questions.

Papa.

And then you better.

The only time you open your mouth is to pull out little pieces of a wasp.

And that's only if I put it in your ass, by the way.

That's where I put it.

Now I gotta go.

I'm going back to work.

See you guys later.

Be astounding.

Alec Baldwin.

Unbelievable.

Alec Baldwin is amazing.

Five stars.

The greatest scenes in American history.

They say it's similar.

The Gettysburg Address.

But without all that gay shit.

And if you

enjoy it, it would be Alec Baldwin's speech.

And that was our the Come Town's presentation of Dangerous Liaisons.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Oh, Marquise, meet me in the powder room.

I'm putting arsenic in my penis oil.

Yeah, I guess you could say it's a dangerous liaison, whatever the fuck that movie's about.

I've never seen it.

My brother was watching, when I was in Baltimore, my brother was watching Amadeus.

His wife in that movie has some of the biggest, most juicy titties.

That movie has a lot of juicy titties.

But if you like juicy titties,

yes, that's right.

Absolutely.

I fucking, I don't know about you guys, but I love juicy titties.

I love cushy dreams, and I love that they have high-quality motherfucking CBD products.

Because, look, I don't know about you guys.

tired of gummies and vapes yeah right

what do I want

to smoke my fucking CBD

and that's what fucking cushy dreams allows I'm trying to get fucked in my ass by fucking CBD I'm trying to get my asshole absolutely obliterated by a fucking nice pre-roll joint I'm trying to have a CBD I'm trying to have sex and guess what cushy dreams has that where the fuck is a goddamn cushy dreams copy man I lose this shit every time it's because I'm so fucked up on their shit that gets you 100% high as shit.

Spotted.

It does not

get you high.

I'm sorry.

But it gets you feeling nice.

Here's the thing, ladies and fellas.

When you take a girl home, you want to have absolutely zero

zero shadow of a doubt that she is in any way, shape, or form impaired.

Right?

Right.

So you want to put on a little nog choppa, roll up a little bit.

Cushy dreams.

We sell inert roofies.

Right.

You can't get out If you can't get hard without secretly slipping something into a woman's drink, exactly.

Exactly.

If you're a former date rapist, and you're trying to have a Lovian reaction to slipping something in a woman's drink where you get hard,

Cushy Dreams has pills for that.

It'd be funny to be like, yeah, I can't get hard without pills.

Oh, I don't take them.

I didn't mean pills for me.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

So listen, Cushy fucks.

Is he somebody that thinks that's what people mean when they say dick pills.

Yeah.

They're like, oh, yeah.

Oh, we could just openly talk about it.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I mean, I get it.

Yeah, they're like, we went on that website.

They didn't have any GHB for sale anywhere.

Well, they have non-psychoactive GHB.

Nag champa is what it's called.

What's Nag Champa for real?

Some Indian.

Incense.

Yeah, it's like a flavor of incense.

And what, it gets you horny?

Yeah, it's like

it gets you real loose.

Oh, nice.

It really sets the mood.

So it's like pops.

You are.

Did you realize?

Sometimes it's like, I got.

I want a gay guy in mind.

I got to cool it with the F song.

Bomb, bomb, bump.

Yeah.

Bomb, bum, bump.

It's fun to say, but sometimes it goes a little too much.

Jeremiah.

But listen, right now, we're not talking about slurs.

We're talking about Cushy Dreams.

Some of the fucking most luxurious, high-quality, smokable CBD in the fucking,

in the whole goddamn planet.

And guess what?

If you live in America, they'll ship that shit right to your fucking door.

They got pre-rolls.

One of my favorite things about Cushy Dreams is how much excess packaging they come in.

That's right.

You got a plastic tube.

You get a plastic.

You got a stopper on the air.

It's covered in a fucking, like, like, you know, they seal it all up.

Like, I guess maybe it's to avoid.

Yes.

But there's a thing in there that tells like the postman, like, this isn't weed.

Yeah.

Because the thing is, and it smells like high-quality marijuana, it tastes like it.

And it smells like it.

But it didn't get you high, baby.

It gets you feeling right.

Yeah.

It does.

You know what?

I mean, because oil honestly is bullshit.

Oil does not work.

Yes, sir.

I found some old oil lying around.

And I was like, CBD oil?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was like, let me just put this in my smoothie.

And what it does is it ruins the smoothie.

It makes smoothie taste like dog shit.

It destroys it, but smoke the smokable shit.

That's the way, because that's the way

the drugs wanted to be done by themselves.

Exactly.

The drugs aren't going to be a good thing.

That's the way Mother Gaia intended for you to do it.

They don't want you to touch the leaf that we've been given by Jaw.

Yeah.

It is a gift.

It's all about peace and love and smoking, smoking CBD.

God, can you imagine how fucking annoying the 60s were?

So annoying.

I mean, I could like, it's weird because if I had to be around those people, I would be like, fuck it.

I'm going to join the CIA and figure out a way to kill these people.

Yep.

I don't care.

I will cut my hair.

I'll fucking, I'll take the fucking test, whatever the gay test is.

I'll wear a fucking suit.

I'll figure out who fucking, you know,

the mayor of fucking,

yeah, whatever bullshit I need to do to get into the State Department so I can kill these people.

I'll do it.

And it has not fuck this country, fuck it, all the way through its ass, right?

But fuck these people more.

Fuck the hippies, yeah, fuck that.

God, just the worst.

I agree with you.

Yep, I agree with you.

Too bad they didn't have cushy dreams.

Too bad they didn't have cushy dreams so they didn't have to open their mind's eye.

They could just chill the fuck out and shut up.

Chill out, have a nice time.

I like smoking the pre-rolls.

I like they come in eighths as well.

You can fuck them.

You get a tin of them.

Mix them into you know, something else.

Smoke other stuff.

Angel dust and CBD.

You know what I'm saying?

Which pretty much cuts the angel dust in half.

It cuts it in half.

Smoke cess and CBD.

You know,

you can dip a fucking joint in fucking.

Yeah, so they got tins that are like an eighth or whatever.

3.5s.

Yeah, and then they got the pre-rolls.

Yeah, 3.5s, just like Adam's penis.

Yeah, they've got...

That's right.

They got an eighth of a dick.

They've got...

Ah, fuck.

They got basically the.

Boy, Nick just pulled a dildo out of his ass.

Yeah, just like a bunch of handkerchiefs, like a clown.

What the fuck?

Oh, yeah.

I forgot to tell you guys, I got into Magic.

Dude, you fucking Imagine?

It would be so funny to, like, if you just didn't care about anything, just like

spending years as a clown to get hired

demonstration date at an elementary school and your grand finale is just pulling

out of your ass, showing your asshole, like spreading your asshole wide, and then

having a midget pull them out in front of the kids and seeing all your balls flap in the wind, police dragging you away.

You're like, don't let go.

And the midgets holding on as they separate you.

You're being dragged off in separate directions.

The midgets holding on.

No.

No.

You can't go ahead and separate us.

It's just going to make it worse.

Tell them, CJ.

You fucking tell those pigs.

Black Lives Matter.

Black Lives Matter, kids.

Fuck the police.

FTP.

Your ass out.

Hey, Cab.

Your ass is out.

You're like, hey, Cav.

Hey, Cab.

Black Lives Matter says, fuck the police.

Black Lives Matter.

Four-year-olds are looking at your nuts.

You're scared.

Fascist.

Fascist.

You believe this story?

It came out of.

There's a fucking, he's a clown saying Black lives matter and he's pulling handkerchiefs out of his ass in front of a bunch of four-year-olds I didn't make this up

I saw it on Yahoo News

somebody told me there was one of the one of the only respectable outlets

Yahoo News I read it every day

yeah I go to cushydreams.com

and I say I use I type in promo code either Come Town or Come Town 20.

I think it's Come Town.

It's probably Come Town.

Try them both.

Try them both.

One of them works.

And you will enjoy 20% off.

20% off or something along those lines.

It's a good deal.

It's a good deal.

Especially, I think it might be

free shipping.

Free shipping.

Free shipping.

Free shipping.

Folks, I may tell you.

Reitz Hard Trump.

I was down.

Downsell Trump.

One of the most difficult verses to do.

There's so much nuance on that.

There's a lot of nuance to it, but it's durable down the sold trunk

you know a lot of this it's a miracle

it's a miracle how they do these things they've got markers that smell like the things that they are

it says oranges on there you smell it it smells like oranges

so go to cushydreams.com cushy dreams.com code promote

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Whether it be free shipping or a discount on your business.

And listen, the important thing to remember is smoke your CBD.

Yeah.

Because you can.

Because you can.

Yep.

Damn, we almost forgot to say the tag.

Shouts out to Teflon Dun Joe Biden.

He's best friends with this Black Lives Matter clown.

By this point, dude, when this episode comes out, Trump will be doing fucking chit-ups in the White House again.

He's going to be fucking rich.

Because this is what?

This is Monday.

This comes out Wednesday.

So, what could happen is that he's like, oh, I'm fine.

And then he just dies.

That would be so funny.

He just gets way worse and dies.

Him dying would be an incredible, like, an incredible end to the bit.

Oh, my God.

Bravo.

Maestro.

Bravissimo.

And then his dumbass children try and run frobs and it doesn't work because they don't have the swag.

Yeah, they think they're just as good as they don't have the sprezzatura.

Maybe Ivanka has a little bit of.

Oh, she's got a little double something.

I'll show you.

You'll show me.

I'll show her.

She does have big-ass breasts.

Does she have big breasts?

I mean, come on.

I want to.

Look, the family is, you know,

I love that shit out online.

People are like, he wants to fuck his daughter.

He wants to titty fuck his daughter, pull her clothes off, and jam his dick into her pussy.

And they're fucking in the Oval Office, and he's got her up on the de he puts her on the desk and he spreads her legs, and he's he starts off licking, gets her wet first by licking her pussy, and he's licking all and he's her father, and he's fucking licking all over his pussy, and then he's fucking her, but it he goes too hard by accident, and she starts crying, and then he pulls his dick out, and he's so he's mouth fucking her until the tears stop, and then she shits all over his chest.

And then it's like, what are you, what?

And you know he wants that.

You know he wants that.

Yeah.

That's what he wants because he's sick.

Because he's fucking his, he's a sick man.

He's a fucked up man.

He's evil.

Just stick to your clown act, please.

Please just do the act.

Please do.

We hired you here for cut his mic.

This is the first week elementary schools have been open since March.

We have no money.

We just want to make the kids happy with some clowns.

Yeah, all of the money went to build the New York City Police Department a new gym.

The police officers.

State-of-the-art.

The police officer said we'll defund the police, but the police are getting their own laser tag and go-kart facility

that will

be built on top of the South Bronx so that it blocks out the sun.

And the New York Police Department.

We're hiring.

No new officers.

No new officers.

But they have their own Dave and Busters.

And they basically, there's everything from that movie blank check.

Yeah.

They got the

precinct gets their own blank check house.

Yeah, the New York NYPD is basically that movie blank check.

If the kid's like,

what if I could put a 12-year-old black kid in a chokehold

because he didn't pay for the subway?

Yep.

They got their own Damon Busers and Bill de Blasio thanked them for their tireless service while they spit in his mouth.

Bill de Blasio.

Bill, who let the dogs out de Blasio?

Why Bill de Blasio?

Why not just go all the way?

You know?

My name is Africa.

He should become Africa Bombardo.

Yeah, Africa.

That's just Bill Bombato.

And my name is Africa Bronx.

He sounds like a black woman's name.

My name's Asia

La La Temptation.

And this I'm from the De Blasio house.

This is voguing while people are dying of COVID.

It's honor to uh honor the essential workers.

I'm dressing up like Bit Davis and hanging out in front of the strand.

I'll be voguing in front of the strand in pumps and no pants, no, just panties.

Sheer panties.

We're going to take this city back.

Fuck, dude.

I'm hoping the shit stays open.

It's been very nice around here recently, dude.

Indoor dining's back.

Have you indoor dined?

Yeah, I wanted to get food the other day, and they're saying they're going to close it all down again.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, really?

Why?

Is shit popping off?

Damn, dude, I want to do comedy.

I had so much fun in Philadelphia.

Shouts out to everyone who came out of Philadelphia.

Shouts out to the three guys that all kissed.

I have to say, there were three.

I asked the audience if anyone had ever had a threesome, and then three guys raised their hands, and I asked them who they had threesomes with, and they pointed to each other.

That's really cool.

They all fucked before going to the come to the show.

They were just three gay guys hanging out and becoming just three fellas playing fucking GameCube and sucking each other off they were they were nerds they had a little bit of I would say they had a little some little nerd stank to them

they looked like three regular ass white guys and then they were just all happened to be homosexuals that Aaron's a gay triad to answer your question uh I had to have no idea what's going on the guy at the coffee shop said that they were closing everything down okay because they finally opened it back up I'm like because it was it was like curbside bullshit or whatever right now you can go in the place and I was like back inside you know and he was like yep and I was like almost back to normal he's like no they're shutting it all down really and I was like oh he's like yeah cases are going up it's the orthodox

fault it honestly is you know I was like it's a fake virus to hurt the president thanks for the coffee

it's fake and you can't hurt him and you're just trying to hurt him and he's going to

hurt him black lives matter just leave just scream

Yeah, dude.

I'm going to make Make America Great Again hats to say Black Lives Matter on them.

You'll make a million dollars.

People love parody Make America Great.

I hate those.

They stink.

They're terrible.

They stink.

But people

have never been a good one.

They look like...

No one can tell you.

You just look like a Trump fan.

Yeah.

And then if you get close up enough to them, then you're like, oh, you're just a loser.

Nice.

Yeah.

Very clever.

You make a lot of money off that.

That's almost as good as my idea for the fucking laser pointer that's the Batman logo.

So your cat chases it around.

Like Batman would.

Why haven't you done that yet, dude?

There's a lot of things I should do, you know?

That's true.

That's probably a 10-year-old idea you've had.

Yeah.

I bet you got a lot of 10-year-old ideas.

No, I know what I mean.

Shut up, dude.

Having sex with them.

That's the main thing.

I think actually it's just one, actually.

That's the only one you have, Adam.

To have sex with a 10-year-old.

Yeah.

By the way,

I do think Philly's cool.

I remember we had this conversation maybe a year ago, and I was like, Philly's not that cool.

But I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Philly's all right.

Oh, it looks like we got a little mindo changeo going on here.

Somebody's got a magic trick of their own.

I'm just, I'm a guy who's open to new experiences.

To being wrong.

And had a great time over in the Illadelph.

Did you hit an Illadilf bong down there?

Hell yeah, dude.

Three percolators.

Three percolators.

Couple Keef catchers.

Ice catcher.

Ice catcher.

Got a little bit of

Ever Clear

in the water part.

Just to get drunk.

Oh, fuck ya.

Fuck ya.

Fucking y'all.

Aw, fuck my pussy.

Well, I've been like off.

Fuck my fucking pussy.

I just open it again, and

I'm immediately at the refinery 29 page.

That's your favorite pitch.

And it's, I mean, it's just, it's truly bizarre.

It's a screen cap of an Alicia Silverstone tweet.

Respect.

And then

from Clue.

She was Bat Girl, right?

It's first of all, they screen cap an Alicia Silverstone tweet and then just put it over some shitty graphic in the background.

I love doing that.

So it looks like somebody did some kind of work, and then they put their own watermark on her tweet uh-uh yeah what's the tweet say it says the face you make when someone says climate change isn't real and then the eye roll emoji hashtag mood and then a picture of herself from clueless rolling her eyes oh my god and then refinery 29's caption is ugh as if

you have got to be kidding me wait so they think climate change dude somebody's making ninety thousand dollars a year to post it's what why refinery 29 is fascinating to me is because

it's weird.

It's like

a tone you can't hear anymore.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, it's a vestige of the film.

I read these, and I'm like, it's like somebody saying, what's that noise?

And you're like, what noise?

And I know that sounds schizophrenic.

Well, to me, it seems like something that's like an old tone.

It sounds like Buzzfeedie almost.

But it's beyond, it's not like it's anachronistic.

You're right.

Yes, but it's also like it's just

like a fucking, and I may have even said it, described it in this way before, but it's like a fucking, like a silent scream almost.

It's like.

No, that's how you feel.

You feel powerless to do anything about it.

No,

no, no, it has nothing to do with the way I'm.

You do.

No.

Yes, you do.

You said it earlier.

I did not.

You said you're scared of the girls who were Fiery 29.

I'm not.

You're annoying me because I'm trying to express what does it mean telling the truth?

No, because you're doing the actually your dick is small thing in the middle of me just trying to articulate a thought.

Well, by the way, your dick is small.

We can get to that later.

And we can talk about me being afraid of the refinery 29 girls later.

Are you scared of your dick?

Because they laughed at his dick.

Because I had sex with all of them.

Yeah, and they said it was funny.

Especially the fat ones.

God, can you imagine?

There's a girl that made that, though.

Can you imagine who she is?

Yeah, her name's probably like Bart.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

My name's Bart Friedland.

Bart, we need her last name.

Friedland.

Something Jewish.

Yeah, probably.

Some Jewish shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She went to NYU.

My name's Bart Cohen.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I majored in Sex in the City.

I just got my braces off and had them replaced with a different kind of braces.

The watermark is the best part.

Her own

I have a fun social media job, and then I go home and strike out on Tinder every night while getting drunk off wine from the bodega.

Just another night here in Bushwick.

Oh, man.

Yeah, but it's cool that you're scared of them.

I'm not scared of them.

You should get married to them.

You're scared because you love them.

Yeah.

Jeremiah sucked my dick off.

How about I?

You know what I would love?

Taking a gun out and putting it to your head and pulling the fucking trigger.

Blowing your fucking brains out.

Come on, dude.

That's what I would be in love with.

You know what I get married to?

You don't have to get somebody.

Who I get married to is taking

a fucking buoy knife and jamming it into your fucking skull.

Come on.

Looks like we hit a nerve, Adam.

Looks like I'm just

Nick is scared of the refinery 29, girl.

I've never even heard.

I don't even know what that website is.

I've never even heard of the fucking.

Dude, chill out.

Nick is shaking right now.

I've not.

I'm not.

I'm not.

You're literally shaking.

I'm not.

You're literally.

I have Parkinson's.

No, you don't.

I have Parkinson's because I was never afraid of anything, and so I ate a bunch of chemicals when I was younger on a day-air.

Whoa.

You have Parkinson's anytime you look at the Refinery 29 green.

No, I always have Parkinson's.

No, you don't shake

when you look at other stuff.

Wait a minute, Marty, you got Parkinson's?

You've got Parkinson's.

I didn't know you were retarded.

That's fucking gay.

What the fuck, buddy?

That's the gayest shit I've ever heard.

I'm going to the future and I'm going to slap your shaky ass.

I'm going to slap the Parkinson's out of you.

I'm going to slap the black off your ass, mommy.

Jeremiah, boo, my dick.

Time to talk about a little website called mybookie.ag.

Alright.

Mybookie.ag.

Mybookie.ag.

The cold autumn winds are coming through the air.

That means football season.

Football season is back, folks.

It's time to have sex with your friends.

It's time to have sex for money with your friends.

It's cuffing season, and it's time to bet which one of your friends you're going to knock up.

Will this be the time you both say fuck it to going and getting the abortion?

Is it time to have not a mistake, but a fuck it?

Who cares, baby?

Bet on which one of your friends you're going to just lazily nut

and then say, I'm probably sterile

because

why wouldn't I be at this point?

Let me tell you this.

It's certainly not in my heart or my soul

to father a child.

You can keep it, I guess.

I don't care.

I don't give a shit.

Whatever.

You want 50 bucks a month?

Who cares?

Okay,

I think somehow I can manage being a weekend dad and not end up as a fucking just piece of shit deadbeat.

The fantasy I have is the kids happy to see me once every six months.

You can bet on all that.

And I'm still going to midnight releases

just to see what's going on, not even to buy anything

because I like the vibe.

I like a vibe check.

I like to say to guys, I remember when I used to do this kind of shit before I had a kid, before I was a dad, before I was

going, dude.

I just mentioned my kid trying to get new pussy

when I'm trying to make new pussy happen because I heard that bitches like fathers.

Yep.

So go to mybookie.ag

and blow your savings.

But you won't.

Instead of having a kid, why don't you lose all your money gambling on sports?

Well, no, I think if you have a kid, if you're about to have a kid and you don't, you're not financially prepared, go double your money.

What's the worst that could happen?

Just do it.

Fuck it.

You end up just as shitty as your own father?

Yeah.

Who cares?

Then things are just the same.

They're the way they should have been.

But with my bookie, you have an opportunity to transcend that.

It's not going to be through hard work.

It's going to be through betting, winning, becoming rich quickly.

Play, bet, win.

Play, bet, win.

Play, bet, win.

Up to $1,000.

Mybookie.ag, a completely real website.

It's a real website.

It's not a trap set up.

It's State Department.

We promise you it is not a trap.

It is 100% real website.

Very good fucking deal.

You put deposit down, a matural deposit up to $1,000.

You hear that, you fucking idiots.

And they got pictures of all major credit cards on the website.

You take a picture of your credit card, you mail it to my bookie, P.O.

Box 5862.

Stick nabado job,

Russia.

Shook the bus,

Russia.

11625 Prison Avenue.

Hero of the prison boulevard.

The man who raped the most people in prison boulevard.

Hero

Avenue of the heroes of raping people in prison because

they laughed at Stalin's penis

boulevard.

You send a picture of your credit card there, and something will happen to your money.

We promise you.

Something you'll do.

There will be a change.

You will double your money up to $1,000.

They also got super spreaders.

Yeah.

No super contestant?

Super spreaders.

You go online, there's a woman, she opens her pussy so wide, cash blows out.

Cash just blows out of her super spreader pussy.

Every bill covered in COVID.

If you can put all of the bills in your mouth and suck off all the the pussy juice without ending up on the ventilator, $1,000 to you, my friend.

The extra $1,000 goes directly to your bank account.

That's right.

Just send a picture of your wife's pussy.

5682, hero of raping Dissidents Avenue.

Dissidents will be raped and fucked to Death Avenue, Moscow, Russia.

That's right.

A really good-ass ass website that you'll love.

And when you're doing all that, when you send in the picture of your wife's pussy, make sure to use promo code ComeTown or Come Town20.

The Cometown or Cometown20, we cannot remember.

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

It actually does.

It does matter because

make sure you do it right because A, there's something that happens that's some kind of benefit for you.

And B, and much more importantly, much more importantly, they can track to make sure we did our jobs.

that we did because this podcast is not about being funny, it's about selling gambling websites, selling you dick bills, gambling, dick bills, and fake drugs.

Selling you dumb motherfuckers, making you go broke, gambling, and buying fake drugs so that we can get

a little richer.

Oh man.

And underpants that I hear are kind of good.

Promo code is Cometown.

Oh, it's here that promo codes come town.

Visit my bookie online today.

That's M-Y-B-O-O-K-I-E.

And don't forget to use the promo code Cometown when creating your account to claim bonus.

Between get pussy.

Between get pussy.

I cannot wait to get pussy.

I cannot wait.

If you rape enough guys, they let you get pussy.

They put me in good luck where they fuck my butt chicks.

I mean,

they bent me over and they say, You have bec you have been dissident and now it is time to get fucked in your boot chicks

I say, I why do you fuck me in my boot checks?

My boot checks.

My boot checks.

They put a pianist in my boot checks.

I become so painfully fucked in my boot checks

that I cannot walk.

I try to take a shit in my ass, my booty acts hurt so much that I shit out of my own mouth.

Out comes tiny watch pieces.

I don't know.

It's like I become Alec Baldwin.

I am coming to Balewyn.

From the movie How You Say Ross Gary Glen Grossi.

Ross de Grossi.

DeGrossi.

Glen Gary

de Grassy.

Glen Gary de Grossi.

Glenn Gary.

Wait, no, it's in there somewhere.

Glen Gary.

Whatever that mashup of.

Glen Gary de Grossi?

Glenn Gary Den Grassy.

Glenn Den Grassy.

Glen Grossi.

DeGrossi.

Glenn DeGrassi, Del Grossi.

Glenn de Gli.

Del de Grassy, Glen Grossi.

That's it.

Whatever.

Whatever it takes.

I know I'm going to make it through.

You hear that, you fucking piece of shit?

We can't be the best.

You better be, or it's your fucking ass.

I know I can make it through.

I watched like five episodes of The Grassy.

What do you think?

I've watched every episode of it.

Yeah, he loves it.

It is

a great show.

You saw the one where Drake got shot?

Yeah.

Damn.

Classic.

You know who he gets shot by.

It's so funny, dude.

There's like a fat girl character on the show.

Hell yeah.

And then there's like a freak nerd.

And then the freak nerd starts dating the fat girl character.

And they make fun of him.

And then he starts beating her.

Whoa.

And he likes bounces her head off a piece of concrete.

Jesus Christ, and she's just off the show.

And then he's still in school, and then people go back to bullying him for like beating the girl to death.

And then he brings a gun to school, and he's like, This is what you get for laughing at me.

And Drake's like, I ain't trying to get no shot in no damn school.

I ain't trying to get no damn shot in no damn school.

And he's like, This is what you get, Drake.

God damn.

Shot me in my motherfucking ass.

I got shot in my motherfucking boy, you cheeks.

He gets shot in the ass.

Yeah, and he's paralyzed the way he's down.

But the bullet goes into his ass?

Whatever, man.

Who cares?

He's in a wheelchair.

But that's like a children's show.

Like, there's no breasts.

It's teenagers.

What are you, like, a fucking teenager or something?

What are you a fucking fucking?

You call yourself a teenager, you piece of shit.

They fuck me and myself.

Part of that speech, Alec Baldwin just turns around and he goes, you hear me, you fucking faggots?

Really?

Yeah.

For real, that's just part of it.

Damn, hell yeah.

What do you say, brass balls or something?

Yeah.

You need brass balls.

You know what you need to do that?

You need a pair of nuts.

Is Is this Michael Douglas in that role?

You know what you have to do?

You know what you need.

You have to get...

It's not just about making sales, it's about having sex.

Every sale I've been on, every sit I went down on, I had six.

If it's a woman, great.

If it's a man, a couple, I'll have sex with both of them.

I've had six.

I've made love to every one of my clients, and that's why I close sales.

I'm sure what you're thinking.

You're sitting there, what is this guy?

Some kind of faggot.

What is this guy?

He's just sucking people off to get them to make real estate deals.

Sure, you can look at it that way.

Another way you can look at it is: I'm the guy that's keeping his job.

Because I do what I have to.

Man does what he has to do.

He does what he does, man.

Basically a prostitute.

Yeah.

Alec Baldwin comes in.

Who the fuck is this?

I'm sorry.

Where am I?

I think I'm in the wrong office.

You fellas need head.

Yeah.

I'll do you all 50 a pop.

I'll leave, but let me ask you this first.

Is anyone trying to get their dick sucked for $5?

Levine's about to raise his hand.

Ricky Roma's like, just give him a dick.

No.

No, don't do it.

No, Levine, don't.

Yeah, cut it off.

No.

What the hell is this?

This guy just comes in the office, tries to suck everybody's dick for $5?

You don't like it, pal?

You can suck your own dick.

You can make love to your own dick.

I'm here to have sex.

I'm here to have sex, my guys.

I'm here to get fucked in my ass.

My least favorite character in that movie, the lady who steals a sale from

fucking Pacino, dude, by making her husband say no.

You remember that?

Yeah.

All ladies and all of David Man things are villains.

Whores.

Dumb, stupid villains.

I love the end of House of Games

where

Joe Montagna just gets shot and he's just like,

you fucking bitch.

He's just like, it was you, you fucking bitch.

I mean, yeah, whatever.

That's the ending.

Yeah.

The whole time, it was you.

We couldn't figure out who it was, but it was you.

You fucking slut.

You fucking bitch.

Powerful.

Let me look it up.

We just gotta watch it.

Calling a woman a bitch.

Nothing better.

There's no better way to fucking own her ass, even if she's killing you.

It's called House of Games.

A House of Games.

You ever see it?

No.

I like that movie.

Oh, great.

A commercial.

What's it a commercial for?

I don't know.

Every fucking commercial now is like

it's just a fucking ad for Kamala Harris.

It's Kamala Harris putting people in jail in slow motion.

And then it's like the Jeep Brand Sheriff.

You can't bluff someone who's not paying attention.

Are you nuts?

What are you, nuts?

I want you to beg me.

Fuck you.

I'm not going to beg you for a goddamn thing.

Beg me.

It's a goddamn bluff.

You're all bluff.

What are you gonna kill me and then go to jail?

Give up all that good shit that you have?

Your bestseller, that doctor stuff, all that stuff you're trying so hard to protect?

You're gonna give that up?

It's not my pistol.

I was never here.

Beg for your life or I'm going to kill you.

Hey,

no.

I can't help it.

I'm out of control.

Hey, no, I...

Beg me for your life.

Hey, fuck you.

That's is what you always wanted, you crooked bitch.

You thief?

You always need to get caught because you know you're bad.

I never hurt anybody.

I never shot anybody.

You sought this out.

This is what you always wanted.

I knew it the first time you came in.

You're worthless, you know it.

You're a whore,

sick bitch.

I'm gonna give you shit.

Thank you, sir.

May I have enough?

yeah, I forgot that that's the final line is thank you, sir.

May I have another when she shot him like three times.

Who's the bitch lady?

I don't know that actress's name.

Lindsay Krauss.

Fucking who.

You're a bitch.

You're a bitch.

What are you going to do?

Give it up?

Give up everything?

All that doctor stuff?

The best seller?

I mean, I like really enjoy David Mammoth, but it's funny because it's so easy to like just tear his shit apart.

Yeah.

I mean,

but it's good.

I don't understand why.

You know?

Sometimes, dude, the best shit.

I've watched House of Games probably like 15 times.

And every time I'm like, this is autistic.

This is fucking autistic writing and acting, but...

Fuck if I don't enjoy it.

Hmm.

You were drawn to autistic writing.

I guess.

They got movies now.

Let me tell you.

I guess

that'll be on the premium.

Oh, is that the other one?

Yeah.

Yeah, who fucking even knows?

I like that.

I wish that that episode had just been entirely bad and we could surgically remove that bit and put it in this one.

Right.

So if you guys are waiting for the premium this week, which you can always get by going to Patreon.

Patreon.com slash

come town.

And forking up five bucks a fucking month.

month.

Yeah, just skip ahead until you hear the

Donald Trump impression.

Skip ahead until you hear the.

I don't even remember.

I ain't giving you shit, you fucking whore.

Bitch.

You bitch whore.

You're bluffing.

It's just a bluff.

It's all a big bluff.

What are you going to do?

Kill me and then go to jail?

Like some kind of bitch?

It's not my gun.

I was never here.

That seems like a fun movie, but now I know the ending.

Damn, I'm trying to have diarrhea.

I had a bunch of ice cream.

I will when I go home.

Nice.

It's funny.

I like, I never thought I was lactose intolerant or whatever, but like Scott Chaplin was telling me, he's like, yeah, I didn't think so either.

But this doctor lady told me that if your stomach's like distended all the time, it's because you're having some kind of like gastric allergy.

And I'm like, oh, I'm like that constantly.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

That's because you're a quarter Jewish.

Well, I never, I never went.

I don't think I'm lactose intolerant, but I think I might have like a mild peanut allergy or something.

A peanut.

Because I get that shit when I fucking like eat

like half a jar of peanut butter.

Well, you're not supposed to eat half a jar.

What do you mean I'm not supposed to do it?

Why don't you shut up, you fucking bitch?

Take a little bit and put it on the bottom.

That's what you're going to do?

You're going to tell me how much peanut butter I can eat?

You're going to tell me how much I can eat like some kind of fucking whore would

fuck you.

I'll eat as much peanut butter as I want to.

Has Joe Montagna ever been good in anything?

He was good in the Midnight Dancer trilogy.

What was that?

Midnight Dancer 1.

Midnight Dancer 2.

It's 1 a.m.

now.

And Midnight Dancer 3.

Holy shit, I've been dancing till 7 a.m.

The third one, obviously the best of the series.

It's where he breaks his legs tap dancing and he has to get a job sucking dick in a real estate estate office.

Oh, in the Glenn Rose.

Of course, in the Larry Glenn Ross office.

Joe Montagna was, you know, doing House of Games at the time, so they had to get Michael Douglas to play the iconic role of the cock sucking legless man.

Oh, I didn't even realize he was legless.

You may have just now noticed that I don't have legs.

Horns are so powerful.

How do you think I lost my legs?

Sitting around like some kind of Vietnam cry baby?

No, I was dancing.

A Vietnam cry, baby.

But like some kind of pussy, some kind of gay bitch.

I was danced all night long the way a man dances.

Like some bitch would.

I don't dance for fun.

I do it because it's a job.

I do it because it brings home the bacon.

You think I'm some slut that's going out with their friends to dance, maybe get fucked at the end of the night?

I'm dancing for work.

I'm dancing for Mitch and Murray.

I'm dancing for the guys down at

the shop, the union bosses.

That's who I'm dancing for.

Oh, yeah.

I'm dancing for all the guys that got sucked into machines.

Back when fellas like us, they had nothing to dance for.

They were making pennies on the hour.

And that's how I lost my legs.

This day.

Can you get the fuck out of here so I can do my speech?

No one wants you to start their cock.

No one cares.

You're just dragging a legless Michael Douglas out of the office.

Remember.

Black Labs Matter.

All cops are bastards.

All cops are bastards.

Black Lives Matters.

Fuck.

I had him with his gay ass little corduroys.

So I'm calling them gay, dude.

Sorry, I must.

They're nice.

You need to get them tailored.

I might need to get them tailored slightly.

You smell that little fart just escaped my ass?

Yeah, that's it.

I farted it earlier in the episode, and now that you said anything, I thought it was very professional of you.

Didn't hear it.

I didn't hear it.

It was an SBD.

It probably just fucking slid out of your ass.

Stav, can you give me a ride, home?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Hello, everyone.

Well, it looks like we're wrapping up.

So go to stavi.biz and buy some fucking tickets to see me.

I'm going to be in.

Where are you going to be, Stav?

By the time this comes out.

Oh, the Wuhaha in Worcester, Mass.

We've got some tickets left for the 5 o'clock show, the early show.

And then I'm going to be at Royersford PA on the 16th, and then at McGooby's Joke House, good old Baltimore, Halloween weekend.

So come suck me off.

Buy some fucking shirts over there.

All that good stuff.

And fuck you.

Suck my dick.

Etc.

And if you want t-shirts, come dot town.

We got Nick's got some good ones.

Boy pussy, Adam.friedlandland.

Oh, yeah, I forgot I sell t-shirts.

If you want some boy pussy, adam.freedland.

It's also just a suggestion.

If you don't have to, I would definitely recommend just

getting off your phone permanently.

Just stop using the internet.

You're saying that to the listener.

Because I really have had a clean break for the most part.

You've been good.

It's honestly, I mean, it really is like I just kind of like, it ran out of it.

There's nothing I can extract from it anymore.

The point of the internet is to find the clip where Joan Montagna calls a woman a bitch.

That's it, dude.

I mean, maybe you check in and you just fucking look at that and then you just go right back to like, I don't know, do a crossword or something

to figure out.

I feel great.

I mean, I don't feel great.

I feel like normal.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

I know.

I was off when I was at Baltimore and it's creeping back in.

I'm going to get off again.

Yeah.

You just got to put the phone down and like, because once you separate from it for a little bit,

you don't miss it.

Yeah, you don't.

You really fucking don't.

But it also just, it's so easy to slide back in.

Yeah, I mean, the best way to do it is like, I found is just leave your phone at home and go for like a 45-minute walk in the morning.

Like, wake up early.

Which way is you?

Yeah, start your day off.

If you can, like, not look at your phone first thing in the morning and then figure out a way to just like have a coffee, go for a walk.

Or like, you know, on your commute or whatever you're fucking doing, just like don't check the phone in the morning and then see if you can make once you start making it to like midday, then it's easy.

You know what I mean?

You just stop giving a shit because it's fucking boring.

I know.

Yeah, check out a book called The Turner Diaries, also.

What's that?

Oh, it's like a racist book.

Well, that's inspired that you do.

Well, look, it's a book.

It's a book.

You know, I mean, it's better than

using a racist phone

that's made out of Chinese people,

and African batteries.

This whole thing is, yeah, it's just African and Chinese people.

Yeah, that's true.

I don't even see this.

I just see what ching chong, boo, jam, chong.

Okay, that's going to do it for us, boys.

Look at this thing, and I just hit this shit.

The episode is over.

All right, the red button.

Hit the red button.

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