Ep. 219 – michael clayton

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All right, we're just going to go here.

All right.

Still waiting on some confirmation emails

about

we're going to have Michelle Obama on Michelle Obama who's going to be on the podcast.

A little cross promo.

She can, and it's okay to do on a podcast because there's no video, but she's going to demonstrate how she can unpeel a banana with her vagina.

Yeah, hands-free.

Really?

That was her contribution as the first lady.

She would go, she would often go.

Lady Bird Johnson got halfway there, she could never really do it.

Yeah, well, she could do other things with her vagina, she would fuck dogs.

She would fuck the dog that's why he lifted those dogs up by the ears because he caught them having sex with

Lady Bird.

Yeah, yeah, and then is that something the LBJ did?

Yeah, there's a picture of him holding a dog by the ears, the more you know,

yeah.

And then, and then, what's her name, Barbara?

Not Barbara Bush, Laura Bush, Barbara Cush.

Barbara Cush.

She would smoke pussy.

Smoke weed with her pussy.

She would dry out.

She would fucking juice all over the weed and then dry it out and get high off her own supply.

That's so true.

Yeah,

that bitch that looked like George Washington.

It's a picture of LBJ holding a dog up by his ears.

It's pretty fantastic.

Apparently, he had a big-ass dick.

Yeah, he was obsessed with his penis.

Respect.

You know that man was raping.

No, I think he was chill.

No.

Oh, no, actually i think maybe he was a homosexual lyndon johnson lbj i don't know lyndon's a pretty gay name yeah i will give you that it sounds british

but other than that the man was definitely a rape i feel like everyone was raping back then if you're a politician maybe i'm basing this off of like a story i read once that was fiction

everyone was raping until 2012 there's a story there's a david foster wallace story called linden that implies that he was gay yes and i'm not sure if it was based on anything.

It's not just that story.

The only kinds of stories you read are exclusively homoerotic fan fiction about the presidents.

Yeah, it's true.

And

when you mean red, when you say red, you mean rote.

Yeah, that's why I'm voting for Biden because of all the gay sex stuff I read about him and Obama.

Bye, then.

Yeah.

Well, I read it after I read it.

Yeah, he's bi.

But

what's up, guys.

How are you doing?

I'm doing fine, I guess.

I don't know.

You had a good last couple of days since we saw each other last?

It was pretty recent, right?

Sunday.

What's today?

Yeah, we're on a regular schedule.

It was Wednesday.

We're back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Oh, I went to the dentist.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah,

that's a good old days.

Yeah.

They were fucking with my mouth, dude.

They were screwing shit.

I have a little screw hole in my mouth now, and they were just fucking shit up in it.

My lips all fucked up because I got a pear, and I don't know what happened, but I just.

you were practicing kissing no i was eating a pear and i kept fucking

biting it biting into my own lip interesting and i just i tore

i tore into maybe you were punishing yourself for enjoying something no i was carrying groceries so i but i don't know why not having a free hand would mess up my ability to eat a pear i've eaten probably

30 40 pears in my life that's it probably yeah

i'm trying to think.

Damn, I guess you're right.

It's not a go-to fruit.

No.

Yeah, you're right.

I would actually put it around similar numbers.

Yeah.

Now, apples, I've eaten thousands.

Yeah.

Adam, how many pears do you think you eat?

Well, you go to bed every night.

My dad had a lot of pears, so I don't know.

You sit down in your bed of lettuce.

No.

I have a regular bed made out of bed material.

You lay down on your stomach on your bed of lettuce with an apple in your mouth.

And in the morning, have I eaten it?

Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

And then you slowly rotate until the morning.

Can I be honest?

That sounds kind of nice.

If I was swaddled like a baby and I was rotating slowly.

Just Stav is wrapped in twine with an apple in his mouth.

And then he slowly rotates until the morning.

No, that's not what I do.

Yeah.

No.

It is.

I have something over my nose.

You just said, can I be honest?

And then the next thing you said was, that is exactly what I'm saying.

That's why I say, can I be honest?

That would feel good.

That's exactly the theoretical world being swaddled, no.

Although I wonder about that, because

wouldn't that wouldn't you feel constricted?

What?

You know, when they wrap up babies?

Not twine.

Well, some fellas like to be wrapped up.

We're just going to stick.

Do you mean condoms?

We stick cloves into your back and stomach.

We surround you with cloves and then wrap you in twine, and then we put an apple in your mouth.

And it's every night.

It's a, you know, a lot of people

can sense the powerful

tension on the show sometimes between me and Adam and you.

And it's because we've, you know, slave every night basting you.

And you think I'm grateful.

I'm setting up a full Hawaiian.

And you think I'm ungrateful because I don't show enough.

I had to learn fire dancing.

That's true.

That's why my skin looks so good.

You slather it with me.

From being glazed

and rotist.

Being rotist to sleep.

Brushing honey on stop.

And then kissing him goodnight.

Damn.

Damn.

And now I want a fucking pig.

A whole roasted pig.

I think we should offer a cometown fuck you to Judy Gold.

Okay.

Yeah.

She's trash.

She's a dog shit comedian and always has been.

I don't think she's a bad comedian.

Yeah, she's trash.

She's never been.

But I think she's a hypocrite about what she said about Shane.

And then releasing a book about like that's all about like.

She did an interview in Salon this week where she brought Shane up again.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Yeah, in the interview.

To trash him?

To trash it.

To be like,

you know, yeah, they mentioned Shane again in the interview.

To sell her a shitty book.

Are you fucking kidding me?

As if she's done, there's not a clip of her on serious from like the last four years where she repeatedly calls Nikki Minaj the N-word.

Which.

Jesus Christ.

I used to be like.

I thought she apologized for trashing Shane.

No, not at all.

Wow.

Never apologized.

She doubled down this week.

You're saying she put a book out, which nobody's going to read.

It's a book about like,

what is it?

Like, you could say whatever.

Yeah, when they felt free speechy when I saw the title.

It is.

It's like, when they come for comedians, we're all in trouble, which is like.

Which is exactly what gives us Shane.

First of all, yeah, what she did is comedians don't matter.

They don't matter.

Can we stop pretending comedy matters?

They don't matter, but it's the least important part of society.

How untimely is this fucking book?

It's not 2013.

Nobody gives a shit about this.

And even at the time, it wouldn't have been fucking insightful or worthwhile writing anyways.

Yes, especially now

when

unemployment is about to be cut off and everyone's going to get evicted.

Definitely no one gives a fuck about comedy.

Yeah.

Well, no, people give a fuck about comedy, but

there's really no reason.

But no one really does.

It's like the same people that talk about cancel culture.

Yeah, that's true.

No one actually gives a fuck in the world.

Anyways, I can't imagine the books anything other than her carving a system in which she's allowed to go on serious and repeatedly but did you have you heard that clip yeah we i think we played it on the show yeah

which and it was hilarious but i mean

that she would say that and then say shane is like a she said some wild shit about shane too the thing is she fucking sucks i mean she's this middling fucking dinosaur that's been around forever that's never been particularly funny i think she's a solid comic i don't have a problem with her comedy i just i have a problem with her her fucking attacking Shane.

What's your favorite Judy Gold joke?

Dude, I don't have a fucking favorite.

I'm not a Judy Gold stand.

I'm just saying I respect old comic.

What's a good bit that she's wrote then?

We had to take down all his Judy Gold stuff to put up all that Luau stuff before the tour.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I don't, and you know what?

I'm still a little fucking heated about it.

All my fucking

one-night stand.

HBO.

I don't fucking know, dude.

I just, you know, I don't necessarily,

I'm not saying she's a fucking revolutionary comic.

I'm saying her, what is fucking bullshit is that she would trash Shane.

I don't even know her stand-up, really.

I think I've just seen her on Talking Heads shows.

Like, isn't she on I Love the 80s or something?

She's like one of those kind of people.

Whatever.

It doesn't matter.

What matters is, like, you should not trash comics for trying to be funny.

and getting their shit taken out of context and then losing the biggest a job that would have made him fucking rich and set his family up

and then especially when you do the exact same shit and then furthermore you definitely shouldn't do that when you're about to release a book about how comedians can say whatever they want or how they're a fucking endangered species when you did that to your own to a comic

well the i think the official fuck you still stands right i think so yeah

um

and i i second it so if you can third it

okay i third it yeah it was bullshit what she's fucking said about shane Yeah.

I'm sorry, I don't want to take the wind out of your sails if you want to trash Judy Gold.

No, it's all right.

It's fine.

I don't know what else is going on.

What's her whole, what's her shtick?

Is that she's Jewish and lesbian?

Big Jewish lesbian.

I guess there's a lot of controversy with lesbian comedians this week with all the

child sex on the Ellen show.

Oh, yeah, Ellen.

Damn.

You know there was some fucking like twink assistant that got whipped by Ellen.

That just got happened.

It was abuse?

Yeah.

I don't even think it was.

I mean, I guess Ellen was like a bitch to people.

I think she was just, yeah, a bitch.

I can't imagine she's a very friendly person.

But then the her like top three producers or whatever were doing like predatory homosexuality.

Wow.

Damn.

The best kind.

I mean, that does also grabbing people's dicks and shit.

And I guess they would complain to Ellen, and Ellen's like, well, I'm a lesbian.

I don't know what you want me to do about it.

I don't even like guys.

Which is a solid argument.

I don't even know what that's about.

I don't even fucking know.

I am.

I'm fucking dicks.

I'm probably the last person you want to tell about this.

I eat pussy.

I don't know what the fuck

you expect me to do if some fucking queer is grabbing your penis.

I don't know.

Like, what the fuck?

You're making me sick.

You're speaking Greek to me.

You're making me just, I'm fucking about to throw up.

You talk about grabbing a man's penis again.

Now, maybe if somebody, you know, chewed on your labia like a little piece of bologna without you asking, that's something.

Maybe I could come in.

That's a red line for me.

We could have a sit-down.

I could throw some menstrual blood in her face, and then we could share a cigarette outside of a coffee shop for some L Justice, a big L justice.

Interesting.

Is that how lesbians deal with disputes?

Yeah, they parlay.

They parlay like Prop Joe.

And somebody gets pussy blood on their face.

I'm telling you what I imagine to be going on.

Based on my knowledge.

They gather the council of elders.

Rosie, Ellen.

I mean, it's like, you know, I think Lewis is right.

I think they're canceling Ellen to make Joe Rogan look bad.

And

it's because of the Spotify deal.

It's true.

The dominoes are falling.

Yeah.

Oh, dude.

If you think about it, dude.

If you really think about it, why does Ellen get canceled?

Because she has a show.

Who else has a show?

Joe Rogan.

Yes, that's true.

So they're going after show people

to make Rogan look bad because he's squeaky clean.

I love how confident Lewis was in saying that.

Yeah.

It's probably like next week that somebody's going to be like, Joe Rogan, rape me.

He doesn't feel like a rapist to me, but I don't know.

Who knows?

Anyone can be a rapist, I guess.

Yeah,

Cosby,

yeah, never would have seen that one coming.

No, no one would have seen it coming, but

I mean, besides the joke he did about Spanish philosophy.

That is true, he did do a joke in like the 70s about how sometimes you just have to drug a bitch,

respect

you, and then telling people to fucking that boozy clip, right?

What?

That boozy clip where he's like, no.

He's like, they knew what was in them drinks.

Bitch, you at Bill Cosby's house.

You know what's in them drinks.

That's such a good thing.

Let the man out of jail.

Man.

You got him killing people.

You got a 97-year-old black man in jail.

Let him out of jail with the virus.

They let Harvey Weinstein out.

So, did they?

They letting Harvey Weinstein out.

Put your pussy on live and get $1,000.

Shouts out to Boozy, man.

Listen, it's about debate, and it's about not, you know, hearing all viewpoints.

Yeah.

And he's an important voice.

He's never said anything I disagree with.

I agree.

I think anytime I've heard him speak on anything, I've

stop expecting dyke-ass Ellen to solve your problem.

Come on, man.

Ellen Eat pussy.

Man.

Ellen E.

Pussy.

She ain't never had any kind of genius DNA put into her body.

They can't be solving problems because they ain't got no sperm in.

Did you see the follow-up to the Nick Cannon thing?

Is that he started reading the Barry?

There he was.

That was so awesome.

Hell yeah.

I did not see that.

He's like, yeah, I'm learning

about anti-Semitism.

I'm learning about anti-Semitism.

He's going to be a pro-Israel guy now.

Nick Hayden's going to go execute a Palestinian child himself.

Oh, God.

Oh, that's so bad.

Yeah, Lil Boozy has some excellent takes on Dwayne Wade's transgender daughter as well.

I think he was.

So he called him his son.

D-Wade's son.

Yeah.

Something about, come on, man, don't chop the boy's penis off, man.

The best part about that video is that he's just in between sets at play and finish.

Yes, that's right.

Just literally Planet Fitness.

Not the gym, Planet Fitness.

You see the yellow and purple.

Imagine you're just at Planet Fitness and you're like, is that fucking Lil Boozy?

I'm Lil Boozy.

Is he making a video?

Like, you'd be annoyed if that was anyone else, let alone rapper Lil Boozy.

Yeah, respect.

Yeah, that's so funny.

Wipe me down.

Because I'm gay.

Cause I'm gay.

Suck me off.

Don't cut his penis off, man.

Don't cut his penis.

It is very funny that how that works is they cut your penis off.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Suck me off.

Cause I'm gay.

Because I'm gay.

I feel like if I were going in for surgery and they're like, well, we'll tell you what

the process is.

First, we cut your penis off.

You're like,

can you not say that?

Just say we're making a vagina out of it.

And I'll give you a nice pussy.

Yeah.

It's step one of the pussy making.

Step one, guillotine your penis.

Because that's got to, yeah, cutting your balls off.

No matter what, that's got to just don't say that.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yep.

It'd be like if you know you get a heart surgeon, you're like, well, the first thing we're going to do is paper cut your eyeballs.

Yeah.

You're like, I just don't know.

We're going to rip open your chest.

Yeah.

I don't want that.

We're going to make a decision.

And this is all imagined.

G-A-Y-S-E.

That is what the surgeons say.

Can you have it's gay sex?

Do you know what that means?

G-A-Y-S-E-S-E-E.

Sexy.

Sex.

G-A-Y-E-S-E-E-S.

Gay seats.

I'm having gay sex.

Do you know what that means?

Shouts out to young philosopher.

Lil Boos.

Lil Boosadel.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck me.

Yeah, I went to the fucking dentist.

In about three weeks, I'm going to have a tooth.

You're a new man.

Well, I don't have the tooth yet.

You're going to be hot.

Dude, all this gorgeous hair.

Oh, my God.

An extra tooth.

Hair, tooth.

I've gained probably 60 pounds since you're looking

since I had a tooth last.

Oh, yeah.

These bitches are about to get their pussies chomped on with all 32 teeth.

Somebody sent me flowers.

How many teeth are there?

Who sent you flowers?

I have no idea.

They were anonymous.

Like a fan?

Yeah, but now they're...

That's very nice.

But now the flowers are dead.

And

I guess they were expensive.

I showed the flowers to some girls, and they were like, that looks like it costs probably $200.

Damn, for real?

It is annoying how much flowers cost.

They're so.

You should get a solid one.

It's like $80.

And I don't know if I killed it.

They're supposed to die, right?

They only last like two weeks.

Yeah, that's even long.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Two weeks is a good one.

Did you put the little fucking food in there?

No, I don't know what the fuck that is.

You give a little packet of fucking flowers.

If you want to send me a gift, it better not involve learning.

Maybe don't send Nick something that dies.

That's kind of sad.

You know?

Send him something that can last.

No, you can send it.

Just send me more flowers.

It's like a few.

You got me hooked on flowers.

That's true.

No, it's kind of nice, dude.

It's nice.

Like, if you have a table, a big table in your house, it's nice to fucking get a nice fresh thing of flowers.

for a week or two.

Well, I don't have a big table.

What I have is uh yeah, your apartment is laid out weird.

Yeah, uh, it's a plyo.

My apartment's set up for working out and playing video games.

You're the uber male, yeah.

Um,

yeah, it is nice to have flowers around.

I got ripped off

before we recorded last time by who, James Bond, by a fl florist,

and uh

really, yeah I was usually when you guys started for each other no it was a Russian lady when Nick an old woman when Nick started and I was here late I was

in the process of being ripped off by a florist how did that feel it felt bad felt bad I said can I get I was told to go into the store and get 12 roses garden variety roses and she came out with a massive arrangement that took her 25 minutes to make damn and she charged me $75.

Damn.

You just wanted Lucy's.

I just wanted Lucy's.

You wanted 12 Lucy fucking bullshit roses.

Yeah, but after the Eric Gardner incident, you know, Florists are afraid.

Was that in a florist?

He was flipping Lucy's.

Oh.

You know, you can get jumped.

I see.

Yeah.

That sucks, man.

I hate to see my boy go down like that.

Yeah, it did suck.

Should we go back there and fuck that old bitch up?

Well, my girlfriend girlfriend went back there and then was pissed off that I was taken advantage of like that.

Right, a woman defended your honor, and then she was like, When I came back to do the show, she went back and then she got an offender bender

on the way to yell at that florist, respect.

And then the florist took the flowers back and said, This isn't the right card, even though it was the right card.

And we've subsequently emailed and called her back, and she's $75 has about

damn.

So, not only did we get no flowers, yeah, we

That bitch is eating deluxe borscht on your dime right now, dude.

How's it feel?

It was a weird setup at that store because it was like her adult gay son in an office that she was shouting at

and just her manning the floor of the

florist.

Did you and him have sparks?

No, no, he looked pretty sad.

Looked like I have to live the rest of my life with this woman.

How did he look?

Was he cute?

No, not necessarily.

Damn.

She's so mean to me.

That sucks.

I wouldn't want to live with my Russian fucking mean ass mom.

Yeah, nor would I.

I just found this Quora question: What's the difference between Cheerios and honey not Cheerios?

Fucking idiot.

Yeah.

Whoever asked that is a fucking idiot.

Yeah.

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I think it's where French men commit rape.

That's where it got its name to begin with.

Yeah.

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You know, it did bother me.

That's very nice, Tony.

You're gonna say that in front of your son that your dick doesn't work.

I don't care.

I don't fucking care.

Yeah.

Just fucking meadow in the car.

Dad, does your dick not work?

Who the fuck told you that?

Who the fuck's telling me my penis doesn't work?

That's very disrespectful.

Daddy, does your penis not get work?

You know, it's offensive to Italian Americans.

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No, I'm just saying.

Because you came in here because your penis isn't working.

Shut the fuck up!

You fucking bitch!

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Because I'm perfectly normal.

It works.

I'm only here because I'm trying to fuck you.

Tone.

That's how the show doesn't work, Tone.

The final episode of Sopranos, when it fades to black, it's actually Tony gets a phone call from Melfie, and she's like, come over to my apartment.

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And then David Chetty said all this, by the way.

Yeah, yeah.

He fucks Melfie, and then she's like, were you going to come in on Monday?

He's like, nah, I never really needed a therapist.

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Reminds me of when my dad would take me out of the garage and show me that his dick didn't work here.

Back in the 50s or some shit.

Back in 50s, New Jersey.

When everybody had a radio.

Listen to the fucking radio

drive-through and diners and

fucking before Guy Fieri ruined it.

Back when we thought, back before we saw a mirror and realized how gay this looks.

This kind of culture.

Just cruising down to the boardwalk with your broken dick.

That's who's making the pills.

Yeah, Bruce, the boss himself

has had his fingers all over this.

It's weird that he's called the boss when all of his music is about guys that have never been bossed.

Well, he wants them to

see him as their boss.

It is the irony.

The working working man.

He's the king of the working man.

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You're spending hard.

You're not shooting me.

That's B-L-E-U.B-L-U-E.

Why do I do that?

I fuck that up every time.

B-L-U-E.

Yeah.

I think it's because my mind does it in alphabetical order.

No, it's because you think of blue cheese.

Oh, yeah.

Blue cheese.

Yeah.

At the boudoir, i put the baruches in his house and i fuck him that's b lu e chew dot com promo code come town

promo code pussy yeah slash cock so if you're trying to if you're trying to get your dick huerda

to have sex

i had a

i can't wait to have my penis huerda have sex i went to the costco yesterday

and uh

oh boy here we go man threatened to beat me up really Yeah.

For what?

I don't know what I did.

And, you know, my face was covered in a mask.

Normally, I would be like, oh, I just have one of those.

That's a lot of energy out there, man, that you're a bitch.

Yeah.

But it was funny because he did have a similar voice to like a John Claw venture, but he was like, yeah.

But he was.

Hey, you with the faggot fest over here.

No, he said.

Why don't you come fuck me and my ass, stuff guy?

I think he was trying to say,

take a picture, it'll last longer.

Take a picture of my penis, ass.

But he said, I wasn't looking at him,

but he said it was beating off to this man in his mind.

Why don't you come photograph my penis?

What he said was,

Do you want a picture of me, motherfucker?

I mean, he got you pretty good.

Do I want a picture of him?

Were you looking at him?

Man, I was really confused what he was even trying to say, or what was.

I think

here comes a Christmas card from my ass.

Yeah, but he said, Do you want a picture of me, motherfucker?

Maybe it was.

Maybe it was Jean-Claude Van Damn.

No,

it was a bigger, bigger.

Yeah, it was a big fat guy.

Okay, you can say it.

It was a fat ass.

Okay.

You can say it, man.

Go tiptoe right now.

You should be a good jigger for fat guy.

A big-boned

jiggler.

We got a couple of jigglers.

A couple jigglies.

A couple jiggly puffs.

Yeah.

So he was a fat jeep.

Tired of these fucking jigglers.

He was a big fat guy, too.

Okay, say that.

He was tall.

And fat.

Yeah.

But I don't know what I did.

It was very confusing.

He was self-conscious.

Jiggler's going to jig.

Yeah.

So they're going to jiggle.

Yep.

I mean, there were a bunch of Orthodox Jews around him.

He could have picked on any of them, but he chose me.

It's your vibe.

You were

vibe there.

Hey, Santa Claus, nice curly ears.

Yeah, Jean-Claude Van Damme.

You can't get them in a ranch and eat them.

Jean-Claude Van Dam was at Costco bullying Hasidic Jews.

That would be cool.

Hey, why don't you come?

Why don't you come make me out of clay, tough guy?

You know, it would be really disrespectful is if Jean-Claude Van Damme did a split right above your face and then his nuts dropped just so gently on your nose.

That would be ultimate disrespect.

Yeah, that would be.

If he gave me the Arabian goggles

whilst doing the splits.

I remember after, like, the

Arabian goggles?

Well, you know, those Arab guys.

Arabian goggles.

Hell yeah, dude.

You saw that scene in Aladdin?

I remember after the

nuts on the parent's face.

Oh, my God.

Get your nuts off.

That's my Gilbert Godfrey, by the way.

Do Arabians have goggles?

Or did they just pick the one culture that doesn't have goggles?

I mean, they should have goggles for the sand.

Yeah.

Ignore all those sandstorms.

Maybe they do.

The British guys that would go there to bugger.

Yeah, they need the goggles to fuck in the sand.

Just big mustache and fucking Nigel Thornberry teeth.

Damn, imagine how much sand they got in their foreskins.

Oh, shit, what damn need to have guy six?

Dude,

their fucking foreskins must have been filled with shit and sand.

Who were the British?

Yeah, having sex in the desert.

You think the British are coming, dude?

Dude, getting high and saying that to yourself is so awesome.

Just kind of just walking around your apartment doing that.

It becomes so fun.

It feels excellent.

I think the British are coming to the

club, man.

Eclipse club.

The absolute king.

I've smoked pot.

Yeah, dude.

He will forever just be a symbol of my beautiful youth.

I've tried.

I've tried pot.

That's why I always love Tom because I associate him with starting stand-up comedy.

Yeah.

So it's nostalgia, and he's the best on his own.

Yeah.

Damn.

I hope you know.

I don't know what

those days.

I do.

When you just suck at comedy and you have no idea where it's going to go.

No, but you're getting better, and you're not worried about a career.

You're just like, this feels good to level up.

Yeah.

It's like the beginning part of a video game.

Yeah.

You just do side quests.

You don't have to worry about the gay ass plot.

You don't have to worry about feeding yourself.

And

you're not a 31-year-old man

with a fucked-up penis that needs medicine to work.

You know what I mean?

That kind of stuff.

No, that doesn't apply to me.

That does.

It does.

I know for a fact.

It does not.

Even though you're not as fat as me, you're not fat at all, but your penis still doesn't work.

It works.

It works.

Discuss you to kick films.

24-7.

Isn't that you're always pissing a little bit?

I'm always pissing.

You got a diaper on.

Always Always busting.

It's one slow little fucking drip.

Yeah.

I sucked a dick in a small town.

I sucked a dick in a factory.

Was a dick-sucking factory.

And now they're closing the factory down.

And I don't know what to do

because they've made it illegal to suck dick outside.

damn dude i hate draconian fucking government oversight i hate draconian government oversight

of the underground dick sucking industry

it reminds me of my uncle ted sucking on my dick

and saying son one day you're gonna do this as a job

so that's why i'm technically not molesting you

this is jobs training yeah spray the boss i'm not molesting you

the boss

and then just a nice 15-minute sack solo

shouts out by the way to silvio

pretty nice run he's he's in bruce springstein's band and then he's on the best show of all time yeah it's true

he must have gotten all types of pussy oh he's probably married, I guess.

He was a hairpiece guy.

He actually, he was the guy that danced in the Bruce Springsteen band.

I think that was Clarence when he was shout out to the dancing guy in the Maudy Mighty Boston, the Adam of the Mighty, Mighty Boston.

I just watched Clueless, and they're in that movie.

It'd be funny to see

an Adam equivalent of a band, and it's just a guy on stage with his hands in his pockets.

You clapping everybody.

That's cool.

That's nonchalant.

That's a style.

Who's that other guy in Stone Temple Pilots that would just be standing there on stage?

Yeah, just every 30 seconds being like, yeah.

No, I think that guy would be people would think he's chill

and technically in the band.

Yep, by the skin of his teeth.

And technically on his paycheck in the band.

I sucked a dick in my asshole.

I got my dick fucked by a guy.

I am gay, and you can't stop me, Uncle Sam.

I think it'd be funny to

use Glenn Greenwald's encrypted email address to send him pictures of your cock,

just unsolicited pictures of your asshole and cock

at his P2P private Edward Snowden.

Tell him you have some leaks for him.

Yeah.

Well, I got something that leaks all right.

I got some nice leaks.

He has to check it on a 200-pound laptop and a plane.

Yeah, satellite connection.

Yeah, I got important details coming in.

He's in Brazil, right?

Yeah.

Damn.

People try to

city of God.

That guy keeps getting fucking Corona.

That's what they call Brazil.

The city of God.

Who Bolsonaro?

Yeah, that man loves Corona.

Well, he always almost dies.

That's his thing.

Before Corona, he almost almost died.

He's so hilarious.

He always looks like shit.

Yeah.

He looks like a henchman.

I think it's cool.

I think being a world leader in a neck brace is cool.

Yeah, absolutely.

But, like, that's the kind of vibe where it's like, he's just always going to survive.

Yeah, which sucks.

Yeah.

It would be funny if he died.

Ball suck narrow.

That's.

They should try that.

They should try him dying.

Maybe he'll stop tearing down the rainforest if they call him ball suck narrow.

Yep.

He sucks some.

You have some narrow balls, Adam.

That's actually a great point.

They're not narrow.

They're just...

I have a lot of scrod on.

Yeah, actually, that's exactly right.

Your balls are narrow.

I mean, sometimes they're not a lot.

Like, after a bust, they're pretty normal.

They're narrow.

I'm not going to say it again.

Why is it...

Don't make him say it again, Adam.

I'm not making him say it.

It sounds like you are.

You're provoking Stavros.

and you're fucking pissing me off and it's pissing me off in in and you see what that does to the whole dynamic i don't want in kind we were having a nice time on the podcast i know i'm fucking pissed off because you you're gonna make me say it again

make him talk about your narrow balls they're not narrow okay what the fuck did i say all right they're narrow all right are you happy i said it one more time i'm not happy

god damn dude why is it why do the balls jesus christ after you bust right Louise.

It would make more sense.

If the balls themselves would get smaller and not to sack itself.

Do you know what I mean?

You topping.

Why do you have I'm not talking balls with you, Michelle?

Why does the skin go in, but not the

size of the balls are the same?

They're not.

What do you mean?

I don't have to fucking tell you anything.

The size of your balls diminishes significantly after a bust?

The actual balls?

Yeah.

The organ versus the thing, the juice.

What are you talking about?

You know, I used to have a shirt that said.

it's a camelback.

Think of your nuts as a camelback.

Eat my dust

that I got at Kmart, Eat My Dust.

And I thought it was funny because it's just such a dumb shirt to wear.

Of course.

And

I donated it, and now I wish I hadn't because I'm just remembering how often I was complimented by homeless people specifically

on that shirt.

I mean, it probably only happened like three times, but it was a weird thing.

It was a weird thing that homeless people

eat my dust.

Yeah, I walked by this one guy one time and he goes,

Eat my guts.

All right, man.

Yeah.

I like that.

Eat my guts.

That's a shame, man.

Yeah.

Imagine what you could have done if you gave it to one of them.

I know.

Well, I did, technically.

No, it probably went to some fucking asshole.

That's where homeless people shop at Salvation Army.

I like the whole premise of Salvation Army:

donate your clothes so some hipster can buy them.

Of course.

Yeah.

So anything cool can go to a dickhead

yeah right

and then all the all the shitty free t-shirts will go to the homeless maybe yeah

suck the dick in the smoke i can't stop thinking

i suck the penis

good night folks

i'm yay That was the first, I think, parody song you ever heard me do, Adam, the spring scene in the car.

Yeah, when we were in New Orleans.

And you were so amazed by the concept of changing crying, no, now you got to turn it into crying, dude.

You called me, we weren't even

on that trip.

You did.

Hey, little girl, is your daddy home?

I want to suck his dick.

Yeah, hey, little girl, is your daddy home?

Tell him to come outside.

I want to suck his dick.

Oh,

I'm a fact.

Oh,

I'm fucking gay.

I'm a fact.

Damn, the fucking boss.

Yeah, I was getting myself good imagining like CSI or, you know, fucking like NCIS, one of those shows.

Just like, yeah, we got a handwriting expert coming in from Quantico.

But then you just got that, like, just a quick shot of the letter.

And it's just from like a teenage girl

being like, if the money isn't in my account in two weeks.

And just some guy in a suit being like, yeah, this guy's a fag.

You can tell from his gay ass handwriting.

You can tell by the loops.

You can tell he's a gay guy.

This guy's gay.

He puts hearts over the eyes.

Where'd you get this guy?

I'm thinking he wrote this after he kissed his boyfriend.

He's one of the best.

It's one of the gayest handwritings I've ever seen.

It's Millennium.

It's fucking Lance Hendrickson.

This guy's a fag.

He's got one of the coolest voices, that guy.

Yeah, you'll never sound like that.

Like Lance Hendrickson?

Like me and Lance.

You don't sound like Lance.

Yeah, I do.

Who's Lance Hendrickson?

Daniels.

Oh, that's not his name, isn't it?

No, you're thinking of.

I'm thinking of Lance Reddick.

Lance Reddick.

Lance Hendrickson is a different guy.

Oh.

Who's Lance Hendrickson?

Lieutenant Daniels is just a black guy that speaks like...

No, his voice is a good thing.

No, he's got a nice deep voice.

No, he's using the voice.

No, you're crazy.

He uses like theater voice.

I think all of the guys on the wire were professional theater actors, or they were literally drug dealers.

I think Bunk owned a mini mall.

Bunk?

Yeah.

That'd be awesome.

Yeah, I don't think he was an actor.

No, I think he was.

I think David Simon.

I know who you're thinking of, though.

Something.

That's a mini-mall.

Living rooms, bedrooms, dinettes.

Oh, yeah.

We can find them at the market.

We're talking about flea market.

Montgomery

is just David Simon songs.

I gotta have him.

Ma.

Hey, hey,

you heard me.

Come shop with us.

I'm gay.

What a hilarious generation to be.

To be like a black guy that was too young for like RB or so old.

Yeah, yeah.

Like seven, like earnest majority.

Right, but no, but still like old enough for the worst era of rap music.

Yeah, like early hip-hop.

You could just erase the entire 1980s.

Yeah.

And it wouldn't fucking matter.

I don't recognize Lance Henriksen.

Yeah, you do.

I'm looking at him right now, motherfucker.

You're looking at a picture of a man's penis.

No.

And the man I was, but not anymore.

The man is wearing underwear.

And guess what kind of underwear it is?

What?

Guess what kind of underwear it is?

I don't know.

Guess what kind of underwear?

Gay underwear?

Guess it is from a Mahuilda.

A Mahueldo?

A Mahuelda.

Mahuildo.

Yeah.

Mahuela.

Sorry.

I am looking at the guy's.

You're right.

And can I say something?

His dick looks even bigger in these Mac Weldon underwears.

Geez,

I wish there was a way for me to get the kind of underwear that makes my dick look huge like Mac Weldon.

Mac Weldon is, you know, they had a simple mission is to make sure that your dick doesn't look fucking stupid

in the gym.

If you're like me, you go to the gym and you spend about six and a half hours in the locker room.

Always.

Slowly trying on every pair of underwear.

That's left out there.

Sizing everyone up.

Wearing

a hamburgler outfit from the neck up and breaking into all the lockers and trying on everyone's underwear.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

And what I've found personally is that Mac Weldon underwear is the best underwear to steal and prance around in silently in the men's locker room, twirling around like a woodland fairy.

Yep, if you were in a cartoon, your feet would go

completely silent, twirling and spinning,

dancing beautifully in the moonlight

in the locker room at Equinox,

wearing someone else's pair of Mac weldon.

And then somebody's like, bro, what the hell?

What the fuck?

Are you wearing my fucking underwear, bro?

Like, you'll never know.

Thrice the moon cursed thee.

And then you get beaten up.

Beaten up.

And it's not technically a hate crime because the finance guy was able to secure a good enough lawyer to explain that he meant the other kind of fag.

Cigarettes.

Yeah, London cigarettes.

Because he did a semester of London.

His great-grandfather was English.

And so when you were just brutally beaten and called a faggot a million times in the locker room and you were.

He was referring to the other kind.

But you know what?

You do it all again just for a chance to wear those MacWald underwear.

Well, good news.

That doesn't even have to happen anymore.

You don't even have to deal with that.

You don't have to steal and get hate crimes by a beefy finance.

A beefy finance.

Unless that's what you're into.

Unless that's the only reason for having the gym membership.

Our mission is simple: to make sure all of your basics and beyond are smartly designed, and shopping for them is easy and convenient.

I love it.

I hate when shopping is not easy.

Yeah, no,

we're back with Mac Weldon.

Nice to be underwear.

They actually gave me another

little credit, and I got some underwear.

I already used it up, so you guys can't.

I like the taste.

I like to wet my beaks.

No, no, no, no, no.

I already got myself.

Maybe we could share them.

We absolutely cannot share it, Adam.

That's a good question.

Can I share it?

No.

I'm already wearing

six or seven pairs of underwear that I got for.

Mac Weldon is that comfortable that you can wear

multiple layers of it.

And I'm ready for winter.

That's true.

You don't even need extra.

Yeah, your dick is.

The only thing you need to keep warm is your cock.

The mind's brain.

The brain of the body.

The brain.

The penis.

The brain is.

Is what they call the penis.

The mind of the groin.

Most underwear is shit.

I actually, I literally actually threw out all of my underwear.

Some of it I gave to Ian when he came to my apartment and had shit himself.

You gave him some or you gave him one?

I gave him some pairs of underwear.

That's very nice of you.

That I was getting rid of.

That weren't Mac Weldon underwear.

It was the other underwear that I don't want anymore now that I have Mac Weldon underwear.

Oh god damn.

You alright, man?

Yeah, no, sorry.

I just got like indigestion or something.

I ate probably half a jar of salsa this morning.

Respect.

Yeah.

With chips?

With egg whites.

Wow.

Nothing crunchy.

I have probably 16 gallons of egg whites from Costco that I need to go through.

Okay.

Yeah.

But you make fancy non-alcoholic drinks for yourself.

I will.

I'll make egg white joints.

Egg cream.

Yeah.

Yeah,

egg cream virgin martinis.

Yeah.

Boston stepdads.

It's you who and egg whites.

So, Mac Weldon, they found they wanted something more out of the basics and always questioned how something so essential could be

such a pain in the ass to buy.

Damn, you know what?

I'm wearing actually, I'm actually, you can look, I'm wearing Mac Weldon underwear right now.

Oh, those look very fetchy.

I'm actually not wearing underwear.

You can see my balls.

From my hips, oh, nice, yeah.

From my hips.

Oh, nice tall.

He's got no underwear on it.

From my hips down to my thighs.

This is actually the only area of my body that's not in just excruciating pain.

It's the only part of me that's comfortable, and the rest is just burning just as almost there's acid in my veins my bones are are

disintegrating

turning into some sort of like caustic powder but not your pelvic bones and my mind is bleeding it's seeping blood into my mouth and i'm decaying yeah but everything from my cockballs to your ass area

dude it's like it's like in fucking aruba it's cabo san lucas you got a vacation happening in the pants my my dick has got a little

Lua on.

A mini umbrella stuck in your urethra.

Yeah, a little umbrella in there.

My balls are sitting in a coconut.

They're on vacation.

Hell yeah.

The rest of my body, though, it feels like I've been thrown into the gears of Big Ben.

Just excruciating.

Yep.

And

if you live in constant pain, if you have chronic fatigue syndrome,

which because it's technically not a real virus, it's fake,

we can say that

Mac Weldon is officially the cure.

For coronavirus.

Not cure coronavirus, but for chronic fatigue syndrome.

Okay, okay.

Fibromyalgia, Lyme's disease.

Yes, anything fake like that.

And vitiligo.

If only Michael Jackson.

All four of which are just

universally accepted as malingering.

Yeah.

As malingering fake diseases for bored housewives.

Yeah.

So if you're a bored housewife, probably try on a pair of Mac Weldon underwater.

Oh, yeah.

Wrap your pussy in some of this fucking silver antimicrobial.

Put your bitch in him and take a stroll.

So Mac Weldon's frustration was

real.

Oh, yeah.

He was a frustrated ass guy.

Yeah.

There was a guy named Mac Weldon.

He worked in finance and he was

tired out.

The gay guy kept feeling his underwear.

Some guy at the gym kept putting on his underwear, twirling around like a woodland fairy,

placing pagan hexes on his

playing a pan flute.

If you're tired of the moon being hexed by underwear stealing woodland fairies,

maybe you should try out Max Weldon Underwear.

Max Weldon.

Max Weldon.

Well, that was what it sort of.

Yeah.

Mac Weldon Underwear.

We started from scratch and engineered our own fabric.

They did.

Not we.

We didn't do anything.

I did absolutely not.

I don't want to give the world the impression that we know how to make.

I used to work there.

We know how to make underwear.

I don't know.

I used to work there.

I know how to do it.

I don't know much.

It's not just underwear.

They actually make bibs if you're a big factor of staff.

Well, they don't.

I asked them to, but they don't.

Yeah.

But I don't need one of those.

Thank you.

It's like I do.

I do get stains on my shirt a lot.

We should bring bibs back, actually.

They do.

You go to Brooklyn Crab, you get a little bib.

Yeah, why is that the only acceptable bib environment?

It's seafood.

Thank you.

They should have that at more restaurants.

Speak on it, my brother.

Surrounded by a mind-numbing assortment of underwear and socks, we realized consistent fit and quality became a game of roulette.

I hate that shit.

The deer hunter.

Picky mao.

Yeah.

So f I hate when some fucking Vietnamese guy's yelling at me when I'm trying to fucking.

fucking fucking Chinese guy.

I'm trying to just

steal underwear at the gym.

And some Chinese guy

is screaming at you and putting a gun to your head.

They started from scratch and engineered Smart Designs Premium Fabric Simple Shop.

Yeah.

They're better than whatever you're wearing right now.

My thing, my, my, what I didn't even know underwear existed until I got back.

Well, I used to just have a small top hat I'd place over my penis.

Yep, for a cotillion.

Yeah.

I would stuff leaves down my pants.

I have all of

all the words to the Gettysburg address tattooed on my thighs.

Interesting.

And then my penis wears a top hat.

So kind of an homage to Abraham Lincoln.

Yeah, because, you know, look, if you're wearing Mac Weldon like me, you're hooking up with a lot of black girls.

Yeah, okay.

And you want them to know you're on the right side of history.

Certainly.

So you have to have an Abraham Lincoln tattoo on your penis.

And you have have to support the Lincoln Project.

What is a Lincoln Project?

It's a bunch of gay ass Republicans pretending to be good.

I don't know.

I just see people mad about it, and I've never looked into it.

They're like never Trump Republicans.

No.

They're like, there's a pack against Trump that they started.

You know, guys that were like, the Iraq war is tight.

And what the fuck does it have to do with Lincoln's?

Because he was the only Republican.

He was, yeah, he was

treated the slaves and was so old ago that he's not even fucking technically one of them.

Yeah, it was a completely different political party at the time.

Yeah, fucking.

Who's another good one?

They all suck off him or Reagan.

Eisenhower, I thought

Ike.

Ike was cool.

Yeah.

But he was he had the gat on him.

He was fucking.

It'd be fun to do that with the politician that's still alive, like the Obama project.

And then every tweet is like, we need to put Chinese people in jail.

Respecting the heritage and

the foresight that Barack Obama had in deciding what he would say today.

He's like,

actually,

I've been in the locker room stealing underwear.

I've been

taking underwear and twirling around?

I've been

wearing other people's underwear.

Put on Mac Weldon.

Yeah, you can't.

And I get fucked in my ass.

I wear Mac Weldon underwear.

Go in the locker room and twirl around like a fairy.

They're better than whatever you wear.

They do indeed.

Mac Weldon does indeed offer industry-leading underwear.

Okay.

That's a weird sentence.

Yeah, they does indeed.

They does indeed.

Yeah.

Yes, diddly does it.

I does indeed.

They're really one-stop shop for men's basics of all kinds.

They're basic sock shirts, hoodie underwear, vesper polos, and four-way active shorts.

Wow, Vesper Polos.

Damn, four-way active shorts.

Perfect shorts.

It's like your dick, they fuck your ass, they get your balls.

Well, it's like a lemon party.

Yeah, yeah.

The fuck are four-way active shorts?

I'm going to say it's a stretch type of thing.

I just stretch four-ways, but

I get so many targeted ads for like kettlebell shorts now

on Instagram.

It's like, I know you thought you were exercising before.

What's been holding you back is the shorts.

Right, bro.

Just a million of them.

I get a bunch of targeted ads with that

skateboarder.

Did you get those?

Yes.

The dreadlock guy?

The dreadlock guy who's like light-skinned.

You can't tell what

he is.

The light-skinned

guy with the David Koresh glasses.

But his ads, he likes the shorts too much.

Yeah.

And they're kind of weird.

Like the latest one I got, it's him opening the box.

It's weird because for whatever reason, that guy's targeted ads feel way more personal.

And not that they seem more authentic.

I think

it's clearly a targeted ad but it's like it feels like he like it you're like

the reality of that person existing as an individual somehow comes through more not that it's like he really believes in this product but you're watching a human being somebody who exists yeah and I don't really know exactly what I mean but I think you want to fuck him and it makes you uncomfortable I mean you're the one that's saying all this and you immediately knew who I was talking about and pretending like you didn't so it seems like you you're like oh yeah I think I know they he's like light-skinned, and you can't tell.

He's maybe half Asian, and you've like looked into it, you're like, yeah, star sign is Leo.

Look, and yeah,

you're good at deflection, and you're good at having a lot of people.

You're the one deflecting.

I'm being specific, talking about

the exact thing that I've identified.

You want to kiss this guy.

I don't want to kiss this guy because I want to weigh in.

Yeah, it sounds like you...

Adam's trying to get it.

Adam's trying to inside of you.

Nick is gay.

I mean, we've established that Nick is gay, but it's why is this guy triggering?

You're right.

You're right.

Why is it this guy specifically?

It's a well-established fact that Nick is a homosexual.

This is full projection from Stavros.

Nope.

I don't know.

Who has been even before the show, and I don't want to do this.

Okay.

But he was saying, hey, man, when we do the Mac Walden read, can you bring up that skateboarder guy?

If it's in the read, then I can kind of play it off like it's just, I'm joking around.

But I want to say this.

Stav's like, I want to put it out there that I want to kiss the mixed race order.

First of all, we took a pack that whatever goes in the pre-production meetings doesn't work.

It's pretty messed up for you to bring that up.

That's against our

nuclear.

That's against our bylaws.

Mac Weldon believes in smart design, premium fabrics, and simple shopping.

Mac Weldon will be the most comfortable underwear, sock shirts, undershirts, hoodies, and sweatpants that you'll ever wear.

Wow.

They have a line of silver underwear and shirts that are naturally antimicrobial.

Oh, yeah.

Which means that they eliminate odor.

They don't stink.

If you're like Stavros, you smell bad from letting cum dry in your ass.

Somebody is a little self-conscious.

You got stink lines coming.

Yeah.

Who?

You?

You.

No, you.

You're attacking me.

I'm not attacking you.

I'm saying truth.

Who started this?

You did.

No.

Adam.

I'm just trying to read the thing.

I'm just trying to read the thing.

If there was an opportunity, look, you could have called me gay when I was doing the thing about the locker room.

That was way more revealing.

About secret desires.

I don't think so.

And you could have said, that's real.

That's not a joke.

And I would have been like, Touche.

But I bring up the skateboarder.

You're gay.

I'm not ready.

You must be gay for that guy.

You would have been like Touche.

Here's the other thing.

This is another beautiful thing.

Not to you, obviously.

You would have been

immediately destroyed.

No, you would have said, you know what?

Why don't you go get me a coffee?

All right, you know what?

Why don't you pipe down while we try to get through this ad?

You have a coffee in front of you, you, and you know, I like that if I like the other if.

This is a classic

example of history judging me correctly.

Hold on.

The folks that Mac Weldon have created, because we do actually have to go through this,

they've created, because now they have this loyalty program.

Oh, nice.

Which is something Adam could learn a thing or two about.

His loyalty program.

It's loyalty.

We should have a loyalty program for Adam where he no longer gets paid from the podcast, but gets points.

Yes.

Where we've traded in his money.

Social credits.

For a point, sister.

We keep all the money.

You get certain prizes if you get enough points.

He gets $15,000 worth of points every month.

And he can spend at either Dave and Busters or Sheets.

Right.

And then we get a kickback on that.

And then

I have to go gamble at all the Dave and Busters and then sell

the merch.

The merch that I get for the prize stand.

I got to sell my Chinese finger traps.

And that way you feel like you earned the value of a dollar.

That is a hard day's work right there.

Gaming at Dave and Busters.

The folks at Mac Weldon have created their own totally free loyalty program called Weldon Blue.

Level one gets you free shipping for life.

And once you reach level two by spending $200, Mac Weldon will start giving you 20% off percent per

20% off every order for the next year.

Wow.

Damn, I'm telling you, with this.

I mean, I haven't had talk since Sunday.

That's true.

I isolate myself and just fucking chewing into my goddamn lip.

This shit is excruciating.

Thank God I got Mac Weldon underwear on, which they're antimicrobial, so they release a small amount of oxycontin into your body as you're wearing it.

Yeah, that's how you deal with your pain.

Wait, but you don't talk when we're not doing the show?

Shh, let's get to that.

No, why would I talk?

You like live a monk-like existence?

I'm in my apartment locked down like everybody else, and I don't have roommates i mean what the do you think i'll text people but yeah i'm not speaking there's no reason to what if you get a phone call i mean yeah if i get a phone call but i mean it's like a when i say i haven't been taught i mean you know what the i mean

i don't know i was just asking god damn it why

why are you mad at me because you're making me talk more I already told you I chewed into my lip eating a pear.

You said that this is the time that you have to talk.

All right, let's move on.

What's this promo code?

Nick, you're still chewing your lips.

Stop chewing your lip like that.

Well,

I'm chewing on the outside.

I know, but it's not.

It's because you pissed me off.

I know, but it's not.

I don't want to see me murder yourself.

I don't want to see you hurt yourself.

I don't want to see you.

Who fucking told you that?

Yeah.

It's cool that both our sponsors are kind of competing.

One, Blue Chew to make your penis come out of your pants.

Right.

Mac Walden

to keep your penis in your pants.

It's the beautiful yin and yang push and pull of the world.

Personal experience required, it it says to talk about.

I got the blue.

So you're wearing them.

I got the blue on the

I guess I already did.

So we already did that.

Okay, here we go.

For 20% off your first order, visit macworld.com/slash come town20

and enter promo code ComeTown20.

A lot of steps, folks.

There's a lot of steps.

So it's Come Town 20 twice.

It's MacWorld.

It's in the URL.

And it's the promo code.

And the promo code is Come Town today.

If you fuck this up for us, we're going to find you and we're going to fuck you in the ass.

We're going to fuck you.

You cannot fuck this up for us.

We're going to fuck you in your ass.

You're going to get fucked in your ass.

So if you don't want that.

The fabric explanation for host reference only, no need to voice.

Let me see if I can figure out what his active short thing is.

I think it just stretches.

They put Stav into

gay sex fugue for the Chinese gymnast.

Nice try.

Everyone listening knows who wants to fuck the Chinese gymnast.

Yeah, the only reason you don't want to fuck him is because he's not four years old.

That's not true.

Why would that be a reason I want to fuck him?

You want to have sex with a four-year-old gymnastic?

But he's the size of a four-year-old.

Is he?

As a gymnast, they have a lot of shock on their joints from tumbling.

So they're oftentimes, you know, five feet tall.

I would wonder if that was because nobody ever makes that argument for basketball players.

People are like, oh, well, gymnastics made that guy.

It stunts your growth.

Interesting.

But, which is retarded.

That's not what I mean.

Well, basketball, they don't really do intense shit until you get to be like 20.

No, but I'm saying nobody's like, well, that guy's seven feet tall because he played basketball and shooting the ball stretched him out.

That's true.

Well, I think it's...

The reason gymnasts are fucking tiny at the elite levels is because they have better leverages.

Yeah, that's the body type that makes sense.

It's the one that makes sense.

It's like the one, the people that did gymnastics that fucking grew to be like 6'3 had to just stop doing gymnastics.

Yeah, they just became flexible.

Yeah, they just became people that when they fucked put their legs over.

That girl, Simone, is like I love doing that as spy.

Me too, yeah.

That's

you, literally, could do that as eldest.

He can

put his legs over his ass.

I can do it.

He's just doing that to women.

Yeah, then they eat his ass like that.

Why didn't you come eat my ass?

Why didn't you eat my ass?

Oh, fuck.

Damn.

I'm thinking about a little croissant, a chocolate croissant for Myrtle and Marcy, the best chocolate croissants in the neighborhood.

Where is that Myrtle and Marcy?

Don't tell them.

Don't tell him where that coffee shop that's named after where it is.

Don't tell them where it's at.

Is that Myrtle and Marcy?

Adam's not allowed to have it.

All right, I don't want one.

Yes, you do.

I have to go do my sport.

Oh, yeah, you're going to go surf after this.

Yeah, I got to go do my sport because I'm actually devoted to athletics.

I bet you suck dick at surfing.

Yeah, I'm pretty bad.

Where are you going surfing?

Rockaways.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I didn't know there was even waves.

They got five-footers.

They got waves.

They had a storm yesterday.

Oh, yeah.

The storm was scaly.

Are we sure you guys were scared of the storm?

Oh, go out of the way.

I was scared of it.

A boat would be nice.

The Stugats.

La Belle La Stugats.

Go fishing.

That'd be nice.

It would be.

I'm gonna suck on sucking Safari.

I'm going sucking, sucking a penis.

Barbara,

suck my car.

Fuck me in my ass.

Fuck me in my.

Oh, go, go for me.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

After you.

She was a sucking and a fucking, sucking and a fucking, suck my dick, dick, dick.

You know, something.

You could have just ended in a bar brand.

Barbaran.

All right.

Suck, suck, suck.

You just put me on the spot like that.

Bro, did I?

Yeah, you did.

You did that after you.

Didn't I?

It's called ISO.

Yeah.

We ran an ISO play for you, Adam.

Well, I should have waved you guys out.

You know, at the top of the key, I should have said, you guys, get out of the way.

That's not always how it happens.

You got to fucking take your chance and you've got to grab it by the fucking balls.

All right.

Let's see.

Next chance I get, I'm sure to grab it by the balls.

Fuck.

I'm fucking kidding.

Who fucking told you my dick don't get hard?

Who fucking told you that?

It was nothing, T.

I didn't even say nothing.

Yeah.

T, the pills that make your dick are shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up.

I just get my fucking dick.

I'm just saying,

I don't want you to get so fucking mad about it.

I don't have to get mad.

I just want your dick to get hard.

Chris is taking fucking pills to make his fucking penis hard now.

It's a fucking disgrace.

It's my fucking nephew.

I've seen his penis.

I saw his penis when he was a baby.

I saw his penis when he's a fucking baby.

And I got to think about this fucking shit.

I got to think about his fucking penis getting hard.

Don't.

I just don't.

You don't have to think about it.

You're right.

You're right.

Yeah.

Oh, I mean, damn, you you know, you're right.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

My fucking nephew, he's taking pills now to get his penis on.

Tony, how is that any of your business?

The fuck is the matter with you?

What the fuck is the matter with you?

I sell pictures of his penis on the internet.

God damn, I love this.

I just finished my rewatch.

I miss my friends already.

You know what I'm listening to?

I'm listening to talking sopranos, though.

Oh, how far are you into it?

Really?

They do one episode each

week.

Wow.

I'm only four in.

That's a pretty big project.

Yeah.

Respect to them.

Yeah, good for you.

I love Imperial, and Sharipa's funny, too.

For the parts that I've heard, it's funny that

Sharipa is like kind of loud and obnoxious.

Well, Sharipa just.

But in real, in the show, he's like kind of shy.

It's a total flip.

Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, Sharipa always just wants to talk about the

clear plot points.

And anytime Perio is like trying to talk about symbolism or anything, he's like, wow, yeah, I didn't even think about that.

It's clear a lot of the guys on the show had no idea.

Well, they had on the one I listened to, they had on a guy who played Jackie Aprio

before he died.

And he's clearly like a good act, but he's just like such a fucking Italian, just purely an Italian fucking.

He said he pronounced Amish Amish.

And like, that's the next level Italian.

The fucking Amish guy.

What the fuck are you doing on a podcast?

Tone, I mean, it's just me and another guy.

I didn't think you'd be mad about it.

I'm trying to do, I'm trying to get my, I'm trying to start a Patreon.

I'll kick up.

I'll kick up every week, Tone.

Well,

just figured there should be more WOC voices.

Christopher's saying we got to have more fucking WOCs.

The mafia is not diverse enough.

I'm just saying, maybe a trans woman of color.

Is there maybe a 20-year-old that's been doing mafia for six months that we could give a job to?

Maybe she should be the boss.

Maybe she should be the fucking boss.

You out of your fucking mind.

Maybe somebody that's done about six mafia open mics could, you know, have her own show.

Tone, she went to Princeton.

She's a fucking genius.

Isn't the whole idea of smashing these hierarchical institutions that we then immediately embrace things like princeton

it doesn't make any fucking sense what the fuck are you talking about chrissy

we're trying to steal batteries

not fucking due to due to french revolution

god damn

oh i miss my friend tony already yeah all right well i have the piss so well that's gonna do it for us listen come.town to buy shirts everybody if you want to check it out, we have the same designs that were before.

And you guys can end the episode while I go piss.

I myself have started.

Don't forget to hit the button.

Record.

Which one?

The red one.

Yeah.

I started selling some shirts.

Go to stopby.biz.

I have a dream to imagine shirt.

I have a can I see your penis shirt in the style of Creed.

Wow.

I'm tired of Nick making all of the money off shirts.

Yeah, well, then I've also got a couple shirts on the way.

Fucking copier.

I know.

That's my job, right?

Go to stavi.biz, buy some t-shirts.

They're cute.

They look awesome.

Definitely go check those out.

Check out Nick's shirts as well.

Nothing else to report.

Savi, you're doing your Twitch show on Friday.

Stavi Saws Your Problems.

We got Joe List this Friday.

Okay,

we can ask him a lot of pointed questions about his lifestyle.

Some atrocities that he's committed.

All right, bye.

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