Ep. 218 – Just Skip to 16:00

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Okay,

well

folks

We're doing something different this week and what we're doing is

Stav

is

he's under the weather

according to him he may have

COVID

or coronavirus, I'm not sure

or he could have he could have had too much

I'm thinking either Cookie Crisp or Captain Crunch one of the cereals that fucks up the roof of your mouth

Because he said he had a sore throat and I don't think he knows the difference between the top of his mouth and his throat He's not very aware of his body and so

he he checked out and then we

We had a time set for 430 to do the podcast and me and Adam sit on that And now I'm in his apartment, and he's gone.

He went to go, I think he went to go shop for records and leather jackets.

He said he had the dead ass

go get

cool clothes.

No, I'm not sure where he is, but you know, it really doesn't, I don't think it matters

because we didn't book a guest.

And,

you know, most people check in just to hear me clear my throat, anyways.

So, I'm just gonna start at 4:30, anyways,

and

you know, when he gets here, then he can hop in.

Hopefully, it's

he will he was accurate in when he said 20 minutes.

Um, so it'll be me doing basically rant, like a rant-style thing for the first 20 minutes.

And there's a lot of stuff that that I want to get into that I feel like I really haven't been able to I haven't really been able to spread my wings

because I've been held back by the politics of the show

so we're gonna we're gonna start off with that number number one something that's really been kind of stuck in my craw is a friend of mine recently told me that

that they volunteered as a hugger at the Special Olympics

and this is somebody that I you know I like

So I had to curb my instinct to be like, you did what at the retarded Olympics at the Special Olympics?

And

because

there's many questions that came to mind when I heard that somebody could volunteer as a hugger at the Special Olympics.

Number one is: I wasn't aware that there was a paucity of hugging going on at the Special Olympics that would require extra volunteers to handle

the distribution of hugs.

You could have told me that that was an event at the Special Olympics was hugging, and I would have believed you.

But I guess they do have volunteer huggers at the Special Olympics, which

is like, it's very funny to imagine that the regular volunteers were refusing to do any of the hugging.

That there was a guy who signed up to help out at the Special Olympics.

It was like, Look, I'm just going to take pictures of the retards.

Don't expect me to touch them.

I will not, I don't know how it works, but in the age of corona, you can't play it too safe.

You don't, we don't know how not only this virus spreads, but any other virus.

And who's to say, you know, I'm here doing my civic duty, helping out at the races by, you know,

giving them all fun nicknames and placing bets on them.

And

then you have me hug them.

And then what do we know about the transmission of the Down syndrome virus?

Then suddenly my eyes have an extra set of eyelids on them.

And I'm lubricating my chin with every sentence.

And,

you know, I need candy to live.

Oh, here comes Adam's dog.

Adam's dog is here.

This is, you know, people probably hate this, but this is very funny to me.

It's it's a very funny way to approach doing the podcast is

is what if what if out of nowhere I just completely I just fired Adam and Stav

and then there's no feedback.

It's a complete echo chamber and

And I just really get to lean into complete

I don't even know, is that mental illness?

Something feels, you know, it's funny because this isn't much different than doing the show.

But the idea of recording just yourself speaking seems like

so incredibly self-centered, which is, there's no difference.

I mean, it's literally, it's the same thing.

You just do it with two other people, but when you do it alone and you're aware that you're recording something that you haven't prepared at all,

with the presumption that people are going to download it and be like, let's hear this guy's rambled to himself in a room.

it's, uh,

I tell you, it's not laugh out loud funny, but it's, it's, the kind of funny, you know, it's like book funny.

It's like that kind of Mark Twain.

It's the way Mark Twain was funny, and that you don't laugh at it and it's fucking gay, but, you know, somebody works at the library, so everybody, if you want a job at the library, you gotta

pretend to like Mark Twain.

I kind of like Mark Twain.

I think I said that, and it sounds cruel, but he does, he does hold up a bit especially

you know some of the n-word stuff where he went hard

okay I'm taking a look at the New York Times here we're at six minutes so one-tenth of the podcast I could at least fill on my own

an extra six hundred dollars a week kept jobless workers afloat now what

And then there's a picture of a fat lady here, which, you know, I don't think she's going to have any problem staying afloat.

Am I right, fellas?

Am I right?

How come?

How do you, you know, it's so funny with all this eat the rich stuff that's going around.

Fat people must be fucking wiping their brows because they put themselves in the spotlight and now, you know, everybody's making this analogy.

I see it maybe that we're all, you know, stuck on a raft, that America is now just a raft adrift at sea with no safety net, and it's every man for himself.

And the classic move is eat the fat guy.

That was the way that we all we would go eat the fat guy, and now somehow the fat guys and the fat ladies have flipped a script, and now it's we're eating rich people, which they probably taste disgusting.

They're all inbred.

I mean, not that you know, I mean, fat.

I can't imagine eating a fat.

You would want to eat the muscle man.

That would probably, I'd pick the gayest guy on the boat, and that's who I would fillet

and turn into

an emergency snack.

If you guys have any thoughts about who you would like to eat in terms of rich people,

and I know it's just an expression, you know, but

we've moved past the age of expression and nuance.

You know, if you can't say master bedroom anymore, because people don't know what it means, then you shouldn't be able to say eat the rich unless you're literally willing to cut off and eat Jeff Bezos' penis

which do you think he maybe he would agree to that

how much how much do you think that they love their billions of dollars do you think if instead of the tax we could say that we find the most disabled like the transest disabledest poorest person

And we say, Mr.

Bezos, you get to keep your money.

You get to keep keep your newspaper and Amazon.

Keep all of your riches.

We can change the name of Amazon to the Amazon Redskins.

And

I don't know why we would do that, but that would be the name of it.

But we're going to cut off your penis and balls and we're going to feed it to the neediest person.

Are we still saying neediest?

I don't know if that's.

Is that fair?

I don't.

I'm not up up to date on that.

The transist

the queerest

yeah, this sucks.

It sucks having to do this.

But I don't want to do Zoom, and literally everyone has left New York.

There's nobody

left in New York.

I really don't I don't know who is protesting.

I think the only people that live here are me and then the guy that brings Sierra Miss to my bodega on the truck.

And

for the most part, it's cleared out.

I've been having a nice time lately.

I watched Michael Clayton this morning, which is such a

awesome way to start your day, is pretending you're Michael Clayton.

If you're like depressed, just wake up in the morning, you just, and then watch like kind of like fuck you style guy movies, you know,

where that you know.

I'm no, I'm not, I'm, I'm not the guy you fuck with, I'm the guy who fucks you.

I'm the, I, I, I'm the one that does fuck, asshole, fucking shit ass.

Just imagine yourself as a bag man, a fixer.

Um,

sorry, I'm I'm just I'm checking my DMs now.

It's funny to me, it's going to be the same joke

throughout this, where I just, it just cuts to silence because

I'm looking for headlines and I'm going to the DMs.

It's wild that fucking, that there's people that just do solo shows.

You know, and it's wild that someone's capable of doing that, which it seems impossible to do.

I really, I mean, it seems like very fucking hard to effectively sit by yourself and have the confidence to think that your meandering thoughts are, like, could possibly be entertaining to anyone.

But then to actually be able to do it, which some people are, you know,

I think.

I don't know.

I mean, who does this by, I guess, Garrison Keillor, probably?

He just fucking makes up bullshit about a fake town.

How the fuck, you know, it's funny because I think about the show and it's like, oh, we don't, we got lucky, you know?

It's like a time and a place, and like, specifically, you know, like having two or three idiots that are friends with each other.

I mean, you can find that anywhere.

I mean, it's like, I just think it was like this confluence of events and timing that kind of made the thing take off.

But then you look at other shit that like predates, I think, like the, the, there's sort of like

there was like an uh, there's like 9-11 and then there was the cultural version of 9-11 which is the invention of podcasts which is mark maron um getting a garage i think that's that's what i that's like the planes going into the towers is mark maron pressing record on um on you know on in garage band for the first time and uh and then everything that that that made like delineated culture from being uh something that's like edited to you know maybe it's commercial or whatever, but at least some thought went into it and it's produced and then distributed to people to being

just a thing where everybody does exactly what I'm doing right now and produces shit and then we all just eat the shit and then get sick from it like a big like human centipede that's like connected to itself.

I think like, but you go, you escape that and you go back and you look at other stuff and there's, there's, it's always been that way.

There's always been just like dog shit like Garrison Keillor.

We're defending the caveman.

I mean, I guess maybe Garrison Keillor does edit what he does, maybe he puts some thought into it.

Um, but I like to imagine that the pages are completely empty in that stupid fucking notebook, and he just goes on stage and he's like, Oh, it's a fuck, it was windy,

it was a windy day in

Tinny Fuck, Wisconsin.

The sheriff's pants blew off,

and so did his shirt, and his clothes, all of his cop clothes, ended up on the town's

biggest criminal.

And

then the criminal,

you know, that's like a fucking, that's like an allegory.

It'll take English professors years to figure out the moral of that story.

And then there was a bitch named

named

named like Helga Sarsgaard, or like you know, she's like and her deal is she's Swedish and fat, and uh she's always she's got like rosacea or something, and uh she's always making apple butter for people.

And uh everybody was having a a contest to see who could walk the wo the furthest out on the frozen lake, and she wanted to do she wanted to participate to prove that women could do things, but they were trying to dissuade her from doing it.

Everybody in Lake Wobegon, they didn't want her to go out on the frozen lake because,

you know, she's a huge fat bitch.

She probably weighed more than everybody else in that fucking town.

And

she was like, oh, what, you don't think a girl can do it?

And

like, nobody wants to be like, no, you're a huge, you're fucking fat.

You're too fat to do it.

So they kind of have to like tip down.

They're like, no, it's not a gender thing.

And then she's like, well, what is it?

And they're like, okay, I guess you can participate in the see who can walk the furthest out

on the ice thing.

And she appoints herself.

All the other women don't say anything because nobody could be rude to her about her fucking weight.

And so she walks maybe two feet out on the ice, immediately cracks right through the thing, sinking to the fucking bottom, dying, you know.

And

nobody saves her because she brought it on herself.

And that's just kind of how the way things, you know, work out there.

They just, in the Midwest, they just pray for you.

That's definitely unique.

Everything that the Midwest thinks is unique about them.

It's like the way,

you know, like whatever.

Anyways, back where were we?

Like Wobegon.

And, you know, so this bitch is dying.

And the moral of the story

is now she's con she's fucked up this whole gender thing by

you know

stomp

making it this big fat bitch moment when you put any other normal woman out on the ice and they could have done it.

Never mind the fact that walking out to the middle of the lake has nothing to do with talent, it has nothing to do with ability.

They choose something that requires a good.

Are you back?

All right, I started the show already.

Yeah, I've already started the show.

Well, yeah,

we're just trying to do it, you know.

I want to see what it would be like.

I'd do ten minutes up top.

I've done 16 minutes so far.

I started at 4.30.

Sorry.

I'm doing Garrison Keillor.

It's on?

Yeah, it's on.

I'm doing Garrison Keillor.

Are you doing what, Lake Woebegon?

Lake Wobegun.

Well, the whole premise is this, is that I don't think that Garrison Keillor prepares at all.

I think his little notebook is empty, and he just goes up and wings it.

And he tells stories about

Minnesota.

So I had two stories about Minnesota.

The first one is about a sheriff.

It's like a big storm, and he goes out looking for

the criminal in town.

And the wind blows all of his clothes off and directly onto the criminal.

Okay.

And the story ends there abruptly.

And the second story, I was in the middle of it.

It's about there's a competition.

It's a middle of winter.

It's a competition in Lake Wobegon to see who can walk out the furthest on the frozen lake without falling through.

And naturally, all the men do it because they're the most brave.

But then there's a woman,

Hilda,

Hilda Lundquist or whatever.

Okay, yeah.

And she's Midwestern.

Yeah, and she's fat as hell.

You know,

she makes apple butter is the living.

She's a fat bitch.

she's a big type of, and she's like, I'm like, oh, I'm gonna prove that women are as good as they can do it, too, you know.

Okay, they do, and so she wants to go, yeah, she wants to walk out onto the lake, and they're telling her, they're like, you can't, you're too much of a, I mean, you're a whale, no, they don't say that because nobody wants to hurt her feelings, or like they're Midwestern politeness, right?

They're like, we don't think maybe you should do it, and she's like, why?

Because a girl can't do it,

and they're like, no, that's not what we're saying.

I mean,

a girl could, yes, a girl could do it.

It's just maybe this time

you don't.

And nobody has the courage to say to her.

So it's this competition of all of these people that are trying to show how brave they are with some traditional display of masculinity, but the masculinity that would matter that would actually save this woman's life by just telling her she's too fat to walk out into the middle of the lake.

They can't do it because they don't want to deal with the social consequences.

That's a great moral.

So they can't deal with it.

So this bitch walks out on the lake, and of course, she gets two feet out into the thing, and she cracks through the ice and sinks to the bottom and dies.

And no one was willing to save this woman from herself.

No one jumped in.

No one jumps in and saves her.

They're all just sitting around praying for

a

Hildegard Sarsbrand.

Praying what, like

Lutheran prayers?

Are they Lutheran?

I think in the Midwest, that sounds like they are.

I don't know.

That was my assumption.

Well,

that's pretty good.

I just want to apologize for being late.

Oh, it's fine.

I mean,

who cares?

You know, we were due for a bad one anyways.

You were here just with the dog in the apartment?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

You've found it suitable, the accommodations?

Yeah, sure.

I'll recap you, too.

I told a story up front.

Somebody I know, they told me that they volunteered as a hugger at the Special Olympics,

which I didn't, you know, I told everybody already I didn't know that there was a...

that they were lacking in hugs at the Special Olympics that were required.

So it's not someone that's special.

That's what I said.

It's like, you know, perhaps you were just in the Special Olympics.

Yeah.

And maybe you misunderstood what volunteer meant.

I think that's probably true.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was as if it was a,

you know.

It sounds like that'd be a job you'd give a retarded person.

Yeah, exactly.

I mean, it's very funny because there's so many ways to go with that.

One, that they were just in it, the Special Olympics.

It's one of these setups for a joke where it's like you.

Or they hired retarded people to be the hookers, but they kept murdering people.

Yeah, well, I also like

the idea that they had other volunteers to like hand out juice or whatever, and they're like, hey, can you hug some of them?

And they're like, no.

Right.

Absolutely not.

I'm not touching.

Yeah.

I'm not fucking touching any of these retards.

I just want to I want to time them.

Uh-huh.

I want to see how long it takes them to run.

That's so nice that that's a job.

I mean, I would assume that they give really good hugs, though.

I mean, some of them, you know, they seem like good huggers, that community.

Maybe not the ones with the small arms or, you know.

I guess the Paralympics are people that are lo missing limbs, right?

Um,

yeah, uh, the special Olympics, you could have a guy with a small arm.

You could.

Now, I let me this.

What's going on?

Uh,

I'm not sure.

Let me I think nothing, but I just want to know.

Did you go to text?

No, but we had to move some stuff around because

the ad reads got fucked up.

Oh, okay.

I just want to make sure I'm not missing anything here.

No, we're good.

We are good.

Yeah, it'll be interesting to see how bad that first 16 minutes of the show are.

I think they're probably good.

It sounded pretty good to me.

Not until I landed on the Garrison Keyler thing, and then to just do that to absolute silence.

I mean, you know what I mean.

He does it to a live studio audience.

He does it to a live studio audience, but it's like, it's, it's,

the concept of just sitting here pretending to be Garrison Keillor is very funny.

But in in actuality, it's.

No, I believe in you.

I think you could probably do an hour of that.

Oh, I could do an hour.

It's all nonsense.

I could do an hour.

How many more weeks?

It would be funny to just see how long the show goes on if I

just turned it into an hour of me doing improv Garrison Keillor.

I think these people will take it.

For, yeah, but see how long it takes until there's absolutely zero downloads of the show.

Just do it week after week.

You're like, how about this?

There's a dog.

There's a dog that's paralyzed.

Okay.

And there's an old man that has this dog.

Yeah.

And he loves the dog, but it's paralyzed and he can't walk it anymore, so he places it out in the yard.

Okay.

But little Decino, a boy, came by and was planting apple seeds

all over Lake Wobegon, and a tree starts growing underneath the dog.

Yeah.

And then it raises the dog, you know, because the tree grows.

And the dog's still paralyzed.

And it stays in the tree until the dog's above everyone in the town, but it's still paralyzed.

So it's just pissing and shitting all over everyone.

It's finding a way to eat up there.

It's eating the leaves.

The leaves of the tree.

And the apples.

That's like an American

folk story or technology.

Yeah.

And old man is the only one that knows about the dog.

So there's all of this just apple-flavored piss coming out of this tree.

And everybody's like, everybody, it's a tree that makes juice.

It's a tree that's got its own apple juice.

Oh, okay.

And

no one can see the dog.

No one can see the dog.

It's pissing apple juice into everybody's mouth, and they're all drinking it.

And eventually, one boy, he says, maybe we shouldn't neglect the elderly, and he goes inside and he says, you got to come outside.

There's a tree that pisses or the tree that makes apple juice.

So, wait, the old man can

see the dog, but he can't go outside and tell everyone about it.

No.

He's also paralyzed?

Well, he's inside, and nobody goes to visit him.

And they're like, old man, old man Wilkerson, you got to come see this tree that makes apple juice.

The mayor of Minnesota is here

to meet the tree and drink piss or drink juice out of the trees, leaves.

And he goes outside

and he's saying, actually, that's dog piss.

And if anyone had been so kind.

What do they think the shit is?

They think it's a

tree.

I don't think they explain that.

This tree makes.

We're all going to be rich.

The president's come to town, and he's got shit, dog shit smeared with him.

You gotta get the president to see the magical tree.

It was another day in Lake Wobegon.

Yeah, just another day.

That's pretty good.

Just Garrison Keeler being like,

there was a

Route 20.

There was a Batteries Plus that they turned into a a a laser tag place.

Yeah.

And um

and then they had to turn it back into a batteries plus.

These people didn't know where to get their batteries.

The people didn't know where to get the batteries.

And also, nobody in the Midwest, they're afraid of laser tag.

Yeah, they think it's real.

It sounds like a bunch of Yankee computers.

I don't think they're afraid of Yankees.

Sounds like a bunch of Yankee doodle computer nonsense to me.

I don't know about laser tag.

Yeah.

We just got regular tag here a couple weeks ago.

So they were all afraid of it, so they had to turn it back into a batteries store.

See, now it's a batteries plus again.

But the

lasers

are now haunted.

They're now made out of, they're now ghosts.

And now people say they just

scare as a killer making making up stories like a four-year-old

but now in the midwest they had there was a dairy farm and the dairy farm was the biggest dairy farm that anyone had ever seen but when the when the when the president went to meet the cow the cow fought it and it made a gas so bad that it killed all the japanese people and the president was blamed for it and so then we had to go to war with japan and that's how World War II happened that's how and and that's how World War II

well off the rape

yeah that's right he got me too he did get me too

goddamn imagine being that lady

the lady that had to come forward with her Garrison Keeler rape story yeah she had to she had to talk about the most tragic experience in her entire life and people are like the guy from the radio I like to imagine his little book on stage his little like moleskin book is that what he takes up on stage?

I think so.

I have a mental image of him on stage.

Yeah.

And he's got a little...

I know Robert Altman made a movie about it.

And the book is his

dictionary.

It's the list of all the women that he sexually assaulted.

And he's just reading through it and salivating and going into a fugue.

Imagining he's having a rape flashback fugue where he's just drifting off and he's like, and then

they had a tractor pull

and everyone in the town

just fucking losing his mind fantasizing about some small town.

How the fuck is that entertaining?

How the fuck is that shit even remotely entertaining to anybody?

Yeah, I don't know.

I think it's,

I think people just have it on.

I don't know if they actually listen.

I think it's just one of those things you're in the car, like on a road trip or something, you just have it on just to have noise so you don't have to talk to your wife.

You You know, when you're a kid and there's like a part of like culture at large that you can't really appreciate, and then you get older and you kind of play something.

I get it, yeah.

Yeah, when you're a kid, you're like, you know, like everything.

You know, you're like, oh, Little River Band sucks, dick.

You know, it's like, this sucks.

Who's Little River Band?

There's, you know, just some fucking shitty 70s rock band.

They do

credence style.

Lonesome Loser is probably the most popular one.

I don't know.

Yeah.

But, you know, you get older and you're like, all right, I guess I can listen to this.

Yeah.

But fucking Prairie Home Companion.

Never.

I mean, like that.

The older you get, the worse it gets.

Did the show get taken down after he raped?

Probably.

Or it's like we still need this.

A show created and hosted by Garrison Keiller that aired live from 1974 to 2016.

That's so long.

Yeah.

So long.

That's a fucking institution.

Yeah.

That's 40 years.

Jesus Christ.

This is a hurt on 690.

Uh

yeah.

I just want to see a transcript from one of his little readings.

Um

fuck come on.

Where is it?

Just show me something here.

Show me, show me something.

He sold books.

Yeah.

He had merch.

Um

let's see.

Here we go.

This is the first one I find.

We're at the Minnesota State Fair, where we come for our annual look at cows.

I mean, it's just fucking, it's like, it's worse than the parody zone.

No, no,

enormous Holsteins.

Insisting on the president, I think it's pretty good.

Enormous Holsteins and Swiss cows lying down chewing.

Fairy tale animals, ducks, chickens, geese, sheep, pigs.

This is your only look at them all year.

Goosey Lucy and Henny Paby and Babe and Lamb Chop all here.

It's the home of the slingshot.

You get strapped into a chair, and then you sit there for the five longest seconds of your life.

And then the enormous bungee cord shoots you 200 feet into the stratosphere, and your stomach turns inside out.

It attempts to simulate the effect of sitting on a love seat in the living room when your house blows up.

A cue, a bunch of dickless fucking 47-year-old accountants laughing.

Yeah.

There are all sorts of octopus-type rides in which you are strapped into your and you are spun and flung laterally and vertically, which simulates the effect of being in a van as it rolls over and over down a rocky slope.

I mean, suck my dick.

I just, I really

it's just fucking complete garbage.

I was brought up to not waste food because my ancestors came from countries with poor soil, so vegetables were sacred to them.

My mother used to say starving children in China would be happy to have that tomato.

But here's a tomato I don't think the starving children of China would be interested in at all.

It's rotten.

There are white things swimming in it.

Pick it up.

It sloshes.

There's your sister bending over picking tomatoes.

I wonder if you could hit her from here.

Go ahead, try.

That's a story.

This is what I mean.

I mean, it just sounds like, like, why would you sit down and write this?

If it's, it sounds like if someone at a bus stop was saying that, you'd be like, yeah, you'd try to move.

And yeah, it's awful.

Yeah.

Yeah, he looks disgusting.

I never even knew

the big annual tuba banquet.

You've been to this before.

It's deadly.

A room full of tuba players.

This is what he looks like.

Yeah, no, he looks terrible.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

I like my story is

about the big bitch with the lake contest.

That's pretty good.

There's a lot going on there.

There's a lot of things you could think about.

Well, there's like a morality to it, right?

Because everyone's too afraid to offend her, but not doesn't care enough about her life.

Yes.

You know, that has more ambiguity than any of this guy's gay ass stuff.

Earlier, I did call it Mark Twain bullshit, and I tried to clarify immediately after that.

I do admire and respect Mark Twain, and I think Mark Twain holds up.

My friend

told me he's reading Huckleberry Finn right now.

He said it's the funniest book he's ever read.

That's too far.

I'm reading Charlie Kaufman's new book, and it's fucking mad.

I just got it.

It's so funny.

Is it good?

It's really good.

He's a genius.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's, I mean, he's, it's funny for a guy who, like, he is kind of one note, I guess.

Like, he, he does sort of make the same thing over and over again, but

he's so funny that it's okay.

Yeah, he's so good.

Yeah, I re-watched

Synectoke New York.

Yeah, it's really great.

Or whatever.

I mean, that might be his funniest movie.

Possibly.

I mean, it's like, I think it's the first one he directed, maybe.

Yeah.

Well, it's definitely funnier than...

I mean,

it is.

I don't know.

Yeah, I can't think of anything funnier than that.

Apparently.

Adaptation's pretty funny, but Synectoche, there's so many good lines in that.

Yeah.

Where he's in the therapy.

That's funny.

Where he's in the fucking therapy.

That twin brother character is so fucking funny.

That shit's funny, but that's the screenplay that he's writing.

Yeah, that scene in Synectochee where he's sitting in the therapist's office, and he's like,

He's like,

You think it's true what they say about, you know, child geniuses or whatever?

And I forget the exact line, but the therapist's like, oh, yes.

She's like, one of the best books ever written was written by a four-year-old.

And he's like, what?

And she's like, I have it right here.

And it's it's about, like, I don't know, it's like some Polish name of a guy, like a character.

And they're like, Yeah, he's a virulent anti-Semite that documents his initiation into the Klan before being brutally

tortured in a BDSM cult and then murdered by an African-American man by the name of Jeremiah Washington Jackson Jefferson.

Let's see if Morhopman goes, A four-year-old wrote.

She goes, Of course, he killed himself when he was five.

Oh, God, that's so good.

Yeah, I heard that he was on the staff of the Dana Carvey show, yeah, and they there was like it lasted for like six episodes, and it like had that like legendary writer's room, which had like Robert Smeigel and like a bunch of other guys, yeah.

Um, but he wrote a sketch about uh, about Weird Al having a twin brother named Weirder Al,

where he'd just do parodies of weird al songs.

That's funny.

And it never aired.

But even that is like, that's what I mean.

It's like Charlie Kaufman

can only write one type of thing.

That's his thing.

That's his thing.

It's this, like, you know.

And I think that idea, it never aired.

It eventually became,

he worked it into adaptation.

Because I know that was like a story.

Charlie Kaufman is just like, what if Inception was as funny as The Simpsons?

Yeah.

And that's

his whole deal.

I didn't like the puppet thing.

Not that I didn't like it.

I think I fell asleep when I was watching it.

Anomalisa?

Yeah.

Yeah, it didn't really do it for me.

It was like a teleplay, kind of.

Yeah.

Or like a radio play, I think.

I'm going to find this

fucking.

This cushy dreams is what we're folks.

Let's talk about it.

Yeah, we got to talk.

So you talk about it for a second.

Have you smoked that shit?

Oh,

I smoked that shit down.

I smoked it to the face.

And how did it make you feel?

It made me feel better than I feel normally.

So that's good.

It improved

the way I see myself, the way I view myself, and view the people in my life.

It made me feel like they didn't hate me quite as much as I normally think they do.

Who hates you?

Oh, I think everyone that meets me hates me.

Strangers, people that love me, people that I love.

Yeah.

Yeah, but Cushy Dreams, it really lifts that cloud of self-doubt.

Yeah, here we go, folks.

So if you find that.

Cushy Dreams, they offer a full lineup of premium smokable CBDs.

So this is weed.

But then they remove the THC,

I'm assuming with dangerous chemicals.

Yeah,

of course.

If you like weed,

imagine the Monsanto version of

weed.

This is Factory Farm.

This is Factory Farmed.

The bad guys from Michael Clay.

Tilda Swinton takes the fucking THC out of the weed herself.

Yeah, it's the company from Michael Clay.

Disgusting, cold, bitch pussy.

That movie is so good.

That movie rocks.

There's like one woman in it, and she's just a bitch who gets what she deserves.

That scene where she's practicing her speech for the next day in the mirror.

Yeah.

Oh my god, it makes you hate her so much.

It should just be called The Bitch Who Gets What Serves.

The Bitch, starring Tilda Swinton.

Oh, God, that's such a good movie.

I want to watch Michael Clayton now.

Yeah, George Clooney rocks.

He's so cool.

Anyway, but George Clooney's favorite thing to smoke is Cushy Dreams.

He smokes Cushy Dreams

when he's on Lake Cuomo with his

wife.

His bitch.

Hot bitch what?

Yeah.

Anytime a maul Clooney comes up, just being like, I think you mean George Clooney's bitch.

She's got a name.

It's George Clooney's bitch.

It's Clooney's bottom bitch.

His cum sock.

holding nut in.

Yeah, I think she's a lawyer or something.

Yeah,

she's a humanitarian lawyer.

Excuse me, but she's a Michael Clayton in her own right.

Yeah, do you know the movie Michael Clayton is actually based on George Clooney's bitch?

She's a fixer.

Yeah, she's a his bitch is actually based on the character he plays,

anyways.

Cushy Dreams, smokable CBD.

It's pre-roll CBD joints.

Join the group of adults who are sick of vapes and gummies and want to smoke their CBD.

It's now shipping legally to all 50 states.

So if you're worried about legality, don't be.

You know, it's not like buying the lower receiver for a fully automatic AK-47 on the dark web.

It's stress-free.

You don't have to think about it.

No, it's way simple.

It's nothing like

downloading the Tor browser

and going to

gunmarket.onion

and for

the low-low price of $8,000,

which you can pay for with Bitcoin.

You can go on Coinbase Buy, transfer to a wallet, and then transfer over

the Onion router, buy the lower receiver, buy a fully automatic AK-47,

and then use that to

do insurrection, to kill people.

To kill, yeah, people who are saying bad things about the president on Facebook.

It's not like that at all.

It's illegal.

It's legal.

You need to buy it on a regular website.

In all 50 states, and they ship there.

Yeah, and it looks like high-quality marijuana, feels like high-quality marijuana,

and tastes like high-quality marijuana.

I'm like, I got

congestion.

You got the.

There's something weird going on with my nose.

CBD content is up to 20%, which is some of the highest in the game.

And you'll be the highest in the game.

Not really, because you won't get high at all.

You won't get high, but you get a thick, heady body high.

The attention to detail is noticeable in every beautiful flower.

Wow.

They're gorgeous.

I like to just look at them.

I love just looking at my fake weed, inviting girls over and being like, yo, you want a monster energy drink?

I want to show you something.

I got diet monster energy drink, and I got smooth.

Check out how beautiful this this flower is.

It's a gorgeous flower.

I like to get a bouquet of cushy dreams for special occasions.

They're looking at it.

They can hear me breathing through my nose, my erection visible in my sweatpants.

So what's up?

You want to fuck or something?

Yo, you ever listened to the fucking infected mushroom?

Dude, that shit's crazy.

Yeah, all right, later.

Yeah, no, I've never gotten any posters.

Yeah.

No, just make sure just screaming from the window so that the neighbors see a woman leaving.

That counts, dude.

As long as the neighbors think I fucked.

All right, thanks for coming by.

Glad we had sex.

Oh, what's up, Mike?

Fucked her.

Hey, Mike, how you doing?

Yeah, no, I'm just saying goodbye to

this bitch.

Yeah, you see the dark spot on my

sweatpants.

I don't know.

It's pre-come.

I pre-come a lot.

Yeah, check out the pre-come on my sweatpants.

Yo, you want to come watch Michael Clayton?

Yo, it's a good movie.

You got to come, dude.

I don't understand it, but there's a bitch in it.

I know that that gets what she deserves.

Y'all remember 2007?

And you deserve

to does not get you high.

There's next to no THC.

The bitch gets what she deserves.

She is such a cunt in that movie.

Oh, my God.

I'm getting pissed just thinking about it.

Independent lab test shows compliance and purity.

It's grown in California and Oregon.

They got labs working on it.

Dude, that's

Anarchist Central up there.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, that's where you go there.

If you want to fight the powers that be,

you go to California and Oregon and you put on a costume and shine laser pointers all over the place.

Yep, you get some umbrellas as shields.

Each plant is hand-selected by a team of experienced cannabis flower experts.

It's an alternative for people looking to cut back on smoking other things,

which I don't know what that means.

I mean, I guess it's kind of open-ended.

Well,

it's kind of alluding to men that are living on the down low.

Yeah.

I think that's what it is.

Yeah.

If you're a black man that if you're a black man that's sleeping with other black men.

If you're a black man that's hiding the fact from your family that he goes clubbing every weekend and takes home guys,

then maybe you can switch to smokable CBD from cushy dudes.

Dripping poppers.

Yeah.

It mixes well with other things that you can smoke.

I like that these talking points are back-to-back.

It's an alternative if you're looking to quit smoking other things.

It also mixes well with other things that you can smoke.

Imagine like O'Dools having an ad like that.

It can help you quit drinking a certain something.

You can also mix it with Jack Daniels.

O'Dool's mixes perfectly with Jack Daniels whiskey for that little extra something that you may be missing.

Each batch is slow cured for two to four weeks to guarantee maximum freshness and preserve flavor and cannabinoids.

They take the artisan approach.

They got Steven Seagal in the factory using his sword on all the plants.

Artisanally.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and slice this damn plant up right here.

Go on, easy slow now.

His version of Black Guy is so good because it's Cajun Black.

It's Cajun Slave.

It's Cajun Slave.

It's antebellum, right?

It'd be funny if, like, in all the woke marketing stuff, they're like, yeah, we're actually going to get rid of Steven Seagal because he's right.

The character Steven Seagal has been playing for the last 20 years.

Yeah, we can't.

He's racist.

My friend told me he got his hands on the SNL, the Steven Seagal SNL, which is pretty much wiped from the internet.

Oh, really?

But he has a

torrent of it.

I'm going to watch it.

They have organic farming practices.

I don't know what that means.

Some Democrat shit you know the selection includes indoor exotic strains indoor exotic what does that mean it means it's hydroponically grown

inside but exotic means that it's like

I can't that's like in my mind indoor exotic makes me think of like a black gamer girl

indoor exotic yeah yeah that's her twitch stream yeah if I was saying like if a girl was like I'm an indoor exotic I'd be like oh okay so you got like dark skin and big tits and you are obsessed with with anime.

Yeah, you're not good at video games, so it causes her just washing your tits.

An autistic black girl.

Yeah.

We call a white unicorn.

That's

yeah.

That's I think that's what it's called.

100% hand trimmed, never machine-trimmed.

They get them trimmed from they all have papers.

I knew an autistic black girl.

I think we had a couple fans.

Yeah.

Her name was Greer.

And she would talk just just like this.

My dad is the best at piano.

Yeah, that lady was annoying.

She would just lie constantly.

Is that a thing that autistic people do?

I know they can't lie.

Well, she really

was brutally honest.

She would say things that wouldn't make any sense.

Maybe she was just a loser.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm just giving her too much credit.

Smokable CBD flour.

They got three lines.

Private reserve, ultra-premium, premium.

Every can size, three and a half grams.

So it's an eighth.

Each can is nitrogen sealed for optimum freshness freshness.

Oh, God.

I'm going to start replacing all N's with M's.

It's a cooler way to talk.

Like,

like, if you know a girl named Natalie, you call her Matalie.

It's got to be after.

Like, it's got to be in the middle of a word.

Like, I can't even think of a word.

Well, instead of grandma, you would say grandma.

Grandma.

You know, people like that.

Oh, like a slang.

Um

oh shit.

Tim Hortons.

I'm trying to go to Tim Hortons.

What?

What's wrong?

I think my girlfriend just hit a car.

With uh your car?

With her car.

She's got her own car?

Uh yeah, we we we're a two car operation right now.

She lives here?

No, she doesn't live here.

She's just she's just she's in and out, but

we were just picking stuff up and I think she ran back out.

Should I call her?

I guess I should call her.

Yeah.

I don't want to leave you hanging again.

I mean, it's fine.

I'll deal with it.

Who gives a shit?

It's summertime.

You know, the world's ending.

So they got three lines here.

The private reserve, indoor grown, the ultra premium that's indoor grown, and then premium, indoor slash outdoor grown.

This I don't like.

They started the lowest tier is called the premium, I guess.

And then ultra premium and private reserve.

This is sort of like we only only got three sizes, large, super large, and diabetes.

You don't like, so there's the regular,

I'm going to rebrand this for them.

They got the regular one, which is the premium, and that's the indoor outdoor grown.

And then the other ones I said.

You can mix it with anything else you like to smoke.

I've actually been thinking about trying to cultivate my own opium, which to get a little poppy plant.

And then, you know, I guess I would watch YouTube videos of Indian guys lancing poppies and then cure cure the latex myself and then maybe i'll mix that with my with my completely legal cbd

to turn it into a schedule one narcotic and kill myself with opiates dude you got to get the long pipe we've been saying this yeah the nick style but see part of the appeal of like

the the opium thing is that scene in the nick where you come to and you're just staring at a bunch of chinese bush you know what i mean?

Yeah, he would get whores to watch him do OB.

Yeah, yeah.

Which is pretty cool, in my opinion.

And bring your Chinese bush over here.

I want to wake up to it.

Oh, no.

She didn't pick up.

Well, what is it?

I mean, how do you know she got in an accident?

She just texted me.

She just said the steering wheel was in a bus cage.

She said I just hit a car.

I think she's okay, probably, but

she said it's fine.

So here's what we got.

We got six choices of strange, specific full flower cans.

There's relax, peace, create, hustle, energy, and dream.

And you can go look at the website because I don't know if I want to.

I'm just going to get tongue-tied here rattling off

what these hybrids are.

They got pre-roll CBD joints

with the same thing.

They got indicas, sativas, hybrids.

Yeah.

They got things for energy, things for chilling.

Yeah, so go to cushygurdreams.com, spell K-U-S-H-Y dreams.

and then check out use promo code COMETOWN for 20% off your first order.

So you want to smoke your CBD because you can.

Every time, like I said.

Yeah.

Smoke it.

Smoke

it because

you have it.

Smoke my penis, baby.

Smoke my penis.

Smoke my pen.

Smoke my penis.

I just scrolled through the calendar.

I see my 32nd birthday.

Yeah, what are we doing for that?

I don't know.

I mean, it's not for a while, but fuck.

You just get older and older.

It's embarrassing.

32 is an embarrassing age.

Yeah.

It's fucking...

33 is pretty embarrassing.

Yeah, but I remember when you turned 32 and I was like, God damn.

That's fucking.

That sucks.

Yeah, it's...

Yeah, it makes you feel bad

when you think about it really hard.

Yeah.

But whatever, I don't know.

At least I'm not a woman.

Yeah.

At least my body

doesn't have a clock.

In Lake Wobegon, it was the fall solstice.

You know what that means?

Any woman over the age of 33 was thrown into a giant meat grinder and turned into applesauce.

Well, all the women without offspring.

Yeah.

Every kind of woman in the world was there.

Big women, slightly less big women, a different kind of big woman.

And, of course, flat-chested women that were also just sort of boxy.

Annoying.

Yeah, annoying, flat-chested, boxy women.

It was the Minnesota fair of all the different types of women.

Pause for polite NPR laugh.

There's people that have, like, have never actually authentically laughed in their life.

They just listen to NPR.

They're just fucking like libs that fucking listen to NPR.

For some reason, the laughs on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me are more offensive.

Yeah.

Because it's Garrison Keillor is like, oh, this is whimsical, but he's not necessarily doing punchlines.

But WaitWait, Don't Tell Me is like, we are killing right now.

And it is just, it is dog shit.

Yeah.

And it's, it's all, it's awful.

I feel like that would be very funny if every Garrison Keillor performance ended with a severely mentally disabled man with no clothes on coming out on stage and violently caving his skull in with a ball peen hammer.

Yeah.

And then

Mark Twain comes out and he goes, or you know, Steinbeck or whatever, and he's like, ladies and gentlemen, the violent retard.

Yes.

They get a village idiot from each town in Minnesota.

They're like, this week from

Augusta, Minnesota.

It was a warm 44-degree May afternoon, Lake Woebegon, and the townsfolk had gathered in the square to watch the annual torturing of the mentally disabled boy.

And he screamed and he cried and he wailed in his metal cage as they threw apple butter at him,

as they coated his penis in apple butter and let the squirrels have at it.

Well, the old apple butter on the retard's penis trick was once again a huge success.

And the second the blood drained down his legs, they knew there would be four more weeks of winter.

Something had gone wrong that year, and the

hinges on the retards cage came loose, and he was he escaped.

And instead of getting revenge on his direct captors, he raped an entire class of kindergarten students

just another day

on Lake Wobegon.

Yeah, Garrison Helter Skeeler.

Just a brutal,

just satanic garrison keeler.

That'd be cool.

Just to go do those.

Just stories about some quaint town with then there's like child sacrifices.

Yeah, doing sacrifices to B.L.

Zebub.

Yeah.

Yeah, that'd be cool.

Did you see that Midsomer?

I feel like if I was a if I was like a Gen Xer, I would go do that.

That would be

a stand-up comedy, I would just do Satanist, Lake Wobegon

monologues.

And then, you know, people would be like, so what do you do?

And I'd be like, fucking nothing.

And then girls would be like, cool.

And then I would just, I would get really just

real garbage pussy problems.

Do you remember when the Church of Satan would like respond to Trump?

No.

They'd be like,

You're an idiot.

People would be like, even the Church of Satan thinks he's an idiot.

Nope, no, no, no.

It's very gay.

We deserve everything everything that's coming to us.

Oh, we deserve everything that's happened.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, it's funny because you know that there was like a Jew on the train to Auschwitz who was probably like, you know, this is our fault, right?

That you all just said.

I've been saying it's just our fault.

We deserve this.

You couldn't dial it back just a little bit.

You had to fucking ruin it for everybody.

It's a Boston Jewish.

It's a Boston Jew, yeah.

Yeah.

Those guys from Newton.

Yeah.

We had to fucking ruin it for everybody.

It'd be funny if they, if there was a

Holocaust happened, but it was to people from Boston.

Yeah, I think it would have been a lot.

I would Jewish people if like Hitler just hated people from Boston, which for some reason there were millions of in Berlin

in Europe in the 1930s.

The Boston question.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got to hide in the fucking attic.

Ma!

Where's my fucking diary?

And I gotta write about a fucking dream I had.

Yeah, they say they're giving us a shower.

Yeah.

I'm like, what the fuck, you think I'm dirty?

What the hell is this?

Gas?

Dirty?

What is this?

Gas?

What is this?

Gas?

Smells like fucking gas.

This isn't a fucking shower.

They're too stupid for the gas to work.

It doesn't work on them.

They don't use enough oxygen.

They're too f stupid.

they breathe every ten minutes and they just they breathe in lobster butter

just atomized lobster butter and they do not have any way to get oxygen into their blood yeah that would be funny if yeah they did that

it would be funny it would wouldn't it boston strong

oh yeah oh yeah that's what yeah we'd have to never forget the boston tragedy yeah it's so funny that people

already forgot that marathon.

Yeah, who fucking cares?

Yeah, nobody remembers the marathon.

No, it just became a meme that they were innocent.

Yeah.

That the guys who did it didn't do it.

Yeah.

Oddnon.

Yeah.

Or is it Odnon?

It's weird that there's you don't hear Jahar.

Jahar.

It's very weird that every city right now is burning except Boston.

Yeah, well,

they hid their black people.

Where?

I think in like there's one name.

Lawrence Fishburne's character in Mystic River.

Yeah.

That's a great performance from him.

Yeah.

Just showing up, just the beginning of the movie.

Yeah, we're investigating a Moida.

Just him showing up with that stupid accent.

Trying to approximate a boss in that.

Yeah.

He's so funny, dude.

He looks like absolute shit in John Wick.

Oh, yeah, he is in John Wick.

Yeah.

I think maybe he's in the sequel in John Wick 2.

Yeah, I think so.

They took the first two John Wicks off of streaming.

I wanted to watch them again.

I mean, he looks like after they finished shooting The Matrix, he went into one of those pods and was just like,

Tank, load up the Cinnabon program.

He just sat in there destroying his body.

Tank,

load the Cinnabon and fucking Bailey's Minis simulation.

And we're going to run that until we film John Wick 2 and see what it does to my body.

Yeah, he looks like an absolute dude.

I mean, it's not like he looked that great beforehand.

It's like black people saved up all the aging and then made him do the use their portrait of Dorian.

Yeah.

They're like, Black Don't Crack.

Except for the beat.

Yes, because

we made a deal with Satan that Lawrence Fishburne would age on our behalf.

Oh, there's that classic all black people made a deal with Satan to make sure that Lawrence Fishburne aged on their behalf stereotype.

Yeah.

Once again.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Cancel me, Floyd.

Go ahead.

I like the idea of being like a Boston guy that just works at

a pizza restaurant or like a short-order cook.

No one knows who he is.

He has a Twitter account with two followers that he just uses to yell about Boston sports.

But in his personal life, he's like, I don't care.

I'm going to fucking say.

Go ahead.

Cancel me.

Go ahead.

Fucking cancel me.

He thinks he's a victim of cancel culture.

Right.

And there's just nothing to cancel.

That is the best guy.

Go ahead.

Fucking cancel me.

I feel like I can't even share my fucking opinions.

No one cares.

Go ahead, fucking cancel me for it.

What are you going to do?

Get me canceled?

Yeah, that's the best guy.

Is the guy that

literally is on the fringes of society that thinks he's constantly under the tyranny of cancel culture?

Or like the open micer that's like, if it wasn't for cancel culture, I would be huge.

Yeah.

Like, doesn't realize that he just sucks at comedy.

Yeah.

You know, are there a lot of those guys?

I think they're like guys that are like, it's because I'm too hot for TV.

It's, I don't get that, dude.

You see a lot of people that have failed a comedy that like have some kind of justification for it.

And it's like, I can honestly say, because I mean, I did comedy for a decade and it didn't work out.

And I was broke.

And there was like no indication that this show was going to happen or anything was going to fucking happen.

Yeah.

And I remember like coming to terms with the fact that I'm like

just okay.

Like, I was okay enough to get the bare minimum amount of work to call yourself a professional comedian.

I think the answer is that it's just really hard, and you have to kind of be lucky sometimes.

Sure, but I mean, it's like, I don't, I like, I wasn't getting to a place where I'm like, oh, well, the reason it didn't happen is because the industry.

Yeah, it's just like you have to do that.

You have to get one guy in the middle of the money.

You have to be lucky right now.

Who?

Podcasts that I think no one listened to except for you and Dan Soder that you showed me once.

That was very funny.

Oh.

Yeah.

But his whole perspective was...

It wasn't that...

His was not a cancel culture.

His whole perspective was that

PC culture.

He had a whole rant against PC culture that I thought was very good.

I don't remember that.

I remember the dating woes, which was...

What it is.

Oh, man.

I got to go back and listen to that shit.

That was so funny.

That was so good.

Me and Dan.

What we're describing right now is a 40-something-year-old man who's decided he's

who got a compliment once.

People are going to find out who it is.

You really got to keep the details slim.

I'll keep them slim.

Yeah.

But yeah, me and Dan on the way, but we drove back from Boston and fucking just did like six hours of that show.

Just pausing it to laugh.

The name is so good.

Yeah.

The name is so good.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I think that is, like, really, it is a

great character type, though.

Because, like, you know, when you're in Open My Comedy, you're like starting.

You are surrounded by delusion.

You know?

And

it is very funny.

Like, pretty much there is a bevy of people we've met over the years that were very sure they were going to make it.

Were there?

I think so.

It's funny because it's kind of like you need to be humble in comedy.

Yeah.

So there's a lot of people that affect that.

Well, prior to like, now I think with like a lot of like,

it feels even weird saying like woke comedy because I am out of touch and I'm like, I wasn't doing shows or mics prior to this COVID bullshit.

But just from what I see online, like a lot of people that do feel entitled to comedy.

Yeah.

And they do it.

And they do it because like they presume that like

comedy was nothing but rich white men that are like, this is my place in the world.

Well, it's two sides of the same coin.

I think the guy that thinks that he's too edgy to be successful, and the guy that thinks that because he's pansexual, he can't make it in this industry.

But there weren't the same thing.

The people that were like, I'm too edgy to make it, were mentally ill people.

That's what those are.

I mean, they were like, those are the best people.

They're the best people.

You know,

there was never, which you could say it's two sides of the same coin.

I mean, like, I kind of, there's probably people on the other side in like the woke comedy world that are like, I'm too, I'm too much of a truth teller.

Like, they have to have their Tom Myers, basically.

Exactly.

Yeah.

They're like, well, because it's because I'm too trans

and I'm not successful.

And then the other trans comedians are like, sure.

Yeah,

that's what it is.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

I mean, like, I don't know.

I remember when I moved up here, I would follow on Facebook DC Comics calling each other out on Facebook about disrespecting their rooms and saying, you're never allowed back in my rooms.

I'm like, just like the kind of

sort of power that they kind of felt like they had or that they felt like they were expressing was very funny to me.

Yeah.

Because it's like, but you're talking about an open mic in, you know, Clarendon on a Tuesday.

Yeah.

You know.

Yeah, I mean, people are truly insane.

People are.

But those, yeah, those are the most entertaining.

I mean, I would rather watch 10 hours of that than 10 hours of mediocre.

You know?

Because there's a virtue to being the worst.

Yeah.

You know, whatever.

Yeah, I mean, it's like you at least used to have to affect some humility, though.

But I think to even try out stand-up, stand-up, unless you're someone that's genuinely...

I think very few people genuinely

have some sort of calling like they think they have.

But for the most part, you have a sense of entitlement early on.

Oh,

this is something that you could,

something that a person does.

And it's kind of based on delusion.

Well, you should want to be very fucking good at comedy.

I mean, you need to, it's not entitlement, but it's like you should be motivated by wanting to be.

I mean, literally, you should set your sights on being the best comedian.

That is the right attitude.

I mean, yeah, anything you want to do, you should always think of like otherwise, there's no opportunity, right?

You should set your sights on being the very best person to ever do the thing ever.

But then you meter that with like some sense of like, I mean, you just don't be an asshole.

Humility.

Yeah, with exactly.

But like, in terms of your work ethic and what you're doing, it's like you should always be trying to make yourself better.

Because, I mean, competition will make you

you know better

and then like if you're ever like oh I just you know I kind of want to find my place in the thing it's like well

you know then you're just gonna suck I mean you're just gonna turn into a fucking loser yeah or the kind of person that starts off and assumes that they're good yeah

which I think is like there are a ton of people that start of comedy that assume that they're good yeah just absolute dog shit and like very few people are immediately good

Sarah was when we started.

Sarah moved to Philly, she moved to Philly.

Yeah, I just talked to her.

Congrats on your move, Sarah.

Yeah, she just moved a couple days ago.

I remember seeing her at her second open mic.

Yeah, when she had braces, and she was like, This is my second time.

I'm gonna go down there and hang out with her.

I'd be down to go to Philly.

Yeah, I haven't been to Philly in a while.

Are you guys on good terms?

Yeah, we text.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She sent me a very nice gift basket

along with you

a couple of weeks ago

um

yeah what else let's say let's let's wrap it up yeah I guess you got to do your birthday party no I don't have to do it yet

I had to pick things up for someone's birthday I I actually do have to I have like I have a thing I gotta work on that I gotta start work on um

which

um well I guess we fulfilled uh yeah you know that's it that's what it is folks sometimes you're just gonna get a little bit of Garrison Keillor riffing and 22 minutes of ad read.

Yeah, that's not bad.

You know, it's a nice day.

Maybe take this one.

You get it on the JBL out on the beach.

Yeah.

And

yeah, take it out.

Yeah.

Take the, get a frisbee going.

You're out on the beach.

Get the JBL out now.

Put the podcast on, re-listen to it, maybe without headphones, and then you can appreciate it a little bit more.

And maybe if there's a Hispanic family sitting nearby,

music, maybe they'll overhear me saying this and you like they'll pick a fight with you.

And maybe

they'll be like, What the fuck is this, bro?

What the hell is it?

There's on your block, there's like a the the building next to Amber's old place is being sold.

Oh, yeah, that like warehouse

with the real estate agent's name is uh Sandra Meskin.

And it's I was just about you call her up and she's just like, Uh, I am the real estate agent,

I am Sandra, the one who is Mexican.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

She's a southern Mexican.

Yeah.

She's a Mexican.

Yeah.

I guess, yeah, Mexicans don't say that.

They don't say it.

I guess black people

from Texas say

Mexican.

Yeah, that's true.

Oh, you're a Mexican boy.

You're one of the Mexicans.

Yeah.

I don't want my daughter running around with no.

She had to change her name to Washington Mexicans.

I don't even know they were called Ameskins.

I really hope they fuck up that new name.

Yeah.

I'm really hoping.

Well, they should just leave it as a football team.

Because that really is the only team.

Washington football team would be sick.

That's what it is.

And that's the only name you can use, really.

That's the only one that's future-proofed.

Literally anything else you use, it's like.

Oh, yeah.

You don't know.

Well, football is offensive in and of itself.

It's a barbaric sport.

Also, paraplegic people.

But what about people without feet?

What about people without balls?

Yeah, exactly.

What if in two years there's a trans person that's like, well, my gender is I have a penis, but instead of balls, it's a foot.

There's a foot.

So I got a foot.

So it's a yeah.

Instead of my ball sack,

there's a foot that also has a pussy in it, like you've seen in sex shops.

And my penis rests on top of the foot.

And somebody's like, you know, what do you call these people, footballs?

And then they're like,

you're going to jail.

And then

Dan Snyder's like, you saying I got to change the name again?

It cost me $45.

Really good, Dan Snyder.

It cost me $45

at the name changing office toy last time.

I had to start a new limited liability corporation.

I'm allergic to spending money

what is he rich from six flags his initial thing was that when he was in college he he would um

rent private jets and then sell seats on the private jets to go to spring break so that's that's clever yeah so he would like rent out an entire private jet and then sell like plane tickets basically so he's a party guy yeah and then he would like charter flights to the bahamas or whatever charging like a shit ton of money for this private jet planes because you could only you only have to rent, you only rent the plane for a day, and then basically, yeah, it's like subletting a plane.

So, he wow, that's smart, good for Snyder.

And if I'm like, if I remember correctly, that gave that's like he made like a million, you know, as like a fucking by the time he graduated, yeah, yeah, doing that.

Wow, what a legend!

Yeah, shout out to the legend, Dan Snyder.

Dipping all my plane money,

I took my garments for money in the middle of the morning.

Which seems like a scam.

Seems like that.

What's the name of that

fire festival guy?

Yeah, I forget his name.

Michael McDonald.

Yeah, I think it was him.

A different Michael McDonald.

It's the same Michael McDonald.

That was the same guy.

Yeah, I was thinking about having

a festival down in the Bahamas.

Called up Ja Rule.

Yeah.

And I was like, Ja.

Yeah, me and me down in the Bahamas.

I got an idea.

I have a vision.

Yeah, me and my friend, Ja Rule, actually.

We worked together.

He's a very, very, very talented guy.

And he

had the idea to

rip a bunch of people off, actually.

Yeah, it was me.

Ever see that music video, that song he did with Shaka Khan?

Michael McDonald?

No.

It's very funny.

Because he's just like...

If they're in, like, a room and she's standing up, and he's just seated at a table and he doesn't know what to do with his body.

Was it you the other day who was talking about that Louis Theroux documentary where the black Israelites said that

they were like he's asking them like what famous people are are actually black?

And he's like, Well, there's actually one singer.

Yeah, you said that, right?

Yeah, Tom Jones.

Tom Jones.

Let me see if I can find this video.

We'll just leave on this one.

All right.

Keep talking.

Yeah.

I saw a store in the West Village

the other day.

It was a men's

menswear leather leather store called Slightly Alabama.

You heard of this, Nick?

No.

No.

I thought it was a weird name for

a store

for wealthy gay men.

Slightly Alabama.

I don't know.

What is is that, you know, is that something, maybe?

Um, sort of.

I can't find it.

Oh, you're trying to find that Michael McDonald video?

Yeah, it's it's very funny.

Was he on a beach or something?

No, they're in an apartment and he's just like sitting at a d like a dinner table and then she's next to him.

And they're not like singing directly to each other.

They're just um

they just uh

keep talking.

Um

yeah, what was it?

What um

I watched uh Rebel Without a Cause last night, Nick.

That's a great movie.

It's really good.

Yeah.

I'd never seen it before.

But I hadn't I hadn't noticed that our old friend, what's his name, Dennis Hopper, plays one of the young one of the young gang gang kids.

And I was looking up later, um, apparently

uh Nicholas Ray on the set of it

uh raped Natalie Wood when she was sixteen and Dennis Hopper

and Nicholas Ray had a falling out as a result.

Or maybe dated.

I don't know.

Well, I guess statutorily raped her.

You're not allowed to rape anybody.

That's messed up, man.

Yeah, rape?

I don't think that's very fucking cool.

The funniest scene in that movie is when Natalie Wood tries to kiss her father, and

he said, God damn it, you're too old for this.

She gets hurt that her dad won't kiss her.

Yeah.

Maybe I'll rewind.

I haven't seen it in probably like it's on Max seven years.

I just got HBO Max.

I got rid of all streaming.

Well, I just used my dad.

Okay, here we go.

Here we go.

Here it is.

Did you just add an apartment?

It's just sitting in that fucking.

It's Patty LaBelle, not Shocker.

But I just love his just sort of rotating and that

just no whoever directed that was like, yeah, whatever.

He had a no-standing clause in his contract.

Yeah.

I was so disappointed because I had thought for years.

Somebody told me that fucking

that, what's his name?

Marlon Brando refused to wear pants on the set of the score.

But that's not true.

And they had to shoot it from the waist.

Is it not true?

There's clearly a scene where he's wearing pants, but it's like,

if that had been, that would have been great.

That's so funny.

Yeah.

He's so fat in that movie.

He's a million pounds.

Mikey, you got to do this one for me.

It'll be great.

It's the last score.

It's the last one and you're out.

You don't have to do it again.

It's cost me.

Oh, God.

I used to be sexy and now I weigh 600 pounds.

I care a lot about Native Americans, though.

Yeah, it's funny how Hardy got booed for sending Sackage away to collect his money at the award show.

Yeah, people hated it.

Yeah.

He's so good.

Yeah, it is funny to see, just, I mean, because Hollywood's always just been full of shit.

But

just now,

the kind of applause you could get in an award show, even though 90% of the people.

For pandering.

For pandering.

I thought that Ricky Gervais

set he did, maybe the Golden Globes, was very funny.

I don't remember it.

I wouldn't be like, I don't know.

I wouldn't like

him, yeah, but he

Michael Moore was like, fuck the Iraq war.

And he got like, boo.

Yeah.

Fuck you, Mr.

President.

We do not want this war, Mr.

President.

You know, he refused to wear pants during the film of bowling for Columbine.

And at the Oscars.

Yeah, definitely.

He was getting booed for his dick.

It wasn't actually a standard.

He had no pants on.

Yeah, they didn't show it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Michael Moore just completely nude, really weighs down.

We do not want this war, Mr.

President.

We do not want you with an illegitimate election that was stolen.

He said you're an illegitimate president.

We live in fictitious times.

Fictitious times.

Was a fictitious president in a fictitious war.

Michael Moore's never been wrong.

I think he's, I think he's, maybe he's been wrong a couple times.

Actually, I watched his last documentary.

He did Fahrenheit Fahrenheit 11-9.

And the only part I didn't like about it was he was really into the Parkland kids.

He was like, maybe these kids got it figured out.

Yeah.

And I was like, oh,

that's kind of gay.

Well, besides that, I agreed with him.

This works out because we did a little 18 extra to make up for the 16 at the top.

So we're done.

16 at the top was good.

No, you weren't even here for it.

I bet it was my.

I kept slipping up and saying slurs

i got my nervous tick maybe listen back to that

um all right thanks until next time until next time same funky time same funky place all right at the funky guy you listening to groovy one old groove point

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