Ep. 217 – Heavy Brain
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Transcript
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I'm upset because I've been like blowing just good bits all day to myself in the house.
Yeah.
And the green penis is pretty good.
That's good.
I mean,
if you're just joining us now,
we're coming hot off a black guy that has headphones held up to his penis.
Yeah.
And he plays classical music to his dad.
Because he's trying to get pushy from a smart dude.
We're trying to get an intellectual tightness.
And you're going, yeah, it sounds crazy, but it works, man.
I'm going to tell you, I've been fucking this big bitch.
She teaches defensive driving.
Yeah, she's a professor.
She's a professor.
Professor of domestic driving.
Defensive driving.
That's why he plays classical music into his balls to fuck a professor of domestic driving.
She's a professor.
Defensive driving.
Yeah.
Dad, you know,
there was a whole thing about FDR.
Oh, yeah.
Instead of them hiding his polio, he's actually
has just
big old bazongas.
huge pair of tits.
So he's always just behind the podium that's up real high.
Because they can't.
And he's like, today is a day that will live in infamy.
He's Barack Obama.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself.
We have nothing to fear but getting pussy because we're gay.
Just him in that carriage in Central Park, but he's got a big blanket or whatever.
Like, oh, I guess he was cold.
He's a cold a lot of the time.
I'm like, yeah, the Secret Service had to hide FDR's big tits.
This big pair of tits that was actually juicy-ass titties.
Those were a secret from the world.
Dude, that would be awesome if he had awesome tits.
And he was getting them sucked by his mistresses.
Well, it was his secret shame.
He had like massive, just massive guy.
How massive?
H-I.
H-coms.
Oh, not even like a nice double D.
Freak size.
Yeah.
Okay.
It's cool that they went with the alphabet with titty sizes
because they could just do like small, medium, large for the most part.
But when they came up with them, somebody was like, yeah, we're going to need 26 sizes.
And they were like, but breasts only go up to like
five of the sizes.
And the guy was like, I choose to dream.
I choose to hope that one day we might say Z.
We might see the biggest, fattest fucking titty.
We might ever see boys, it's 1890.
And we don't, look,
we haven't started putting chemicals in our meat yet.
We just invented cesarean sections to keep the pussy fresh.
We've got no idea
which direction.
How about like just a show like the Nick, but it's about guys inventing cosmetic surgery.
And it's just Clive Owen being like, as you can see, this woman's breasts are too small.
She's disgusting.
A new method invented by me while high on opium last night is filling the titties with milk from a cow.
As we all know, the titties are created
by milk from a baby.
You come into a woman, and then the cum is turned into milk.
It's turned into milk.
By our latest research, it says that breast milk is the product of cum, which is the same as milk,
going into the titties.
And now we're going to cut her
cut the middleman out and put the milk directly in her breasts.
Yeah.
Just everyone's applauding.
Yeah.
Just
slicing a woman's nipple off and then putting a hose in your cow.
Time of death, 8.15.
And they just wheeled the woman out.
Does anyone want to volunteer their wives?
And just everyone's hand shoots up.
And then it's just him just raw dogging like a Chinese whore
fucked up while
with that weird techno music place.
do they have techno music in the Nick?
Yeah, that show rocks.
It's really cool.
I thought they were going to bring it back for a third season.
Yeah.
They shot it all in bedstock.
Yeah.
It's kind of like that's for white people.
That's our spike.
That's us.
That's our do the right thing.
That's our history.
It's the Nick.
There's actually a scene where in part of the show, it's about a black guy that tries to move into the neighborhood.
And they're like, fire, fire, gentrify.
Because he's trying to gentrify the hospital.
They're saying that it's violence.
They're like, this is literally trying to start serving beef patties and all that kind of stuff.
And they're like, you can do surgery on black people in the basement.
Yeah.
But now, up top is for finding out how to get big titties to women.
Right.
That character, it does start like sort of like an underground urban style of surgery.
Yeah, yeah.
A more New York kind of gritty.
Hip-hop style.
Well, before hip-hop.
Yeah.
A lot of people don't know that, but Clive Owens' character, The Knicks, started hip-hop.
Yeah.
well, yeah.
He was rapping a lot.
It's true.
The black doctor, I forget his name.
It's like Antoine
Bastic.
Antoine Le Chevrolet.
Dr.
Africa Bombada.
You know, he's a pedophile.
What?
Yeah, Africa Bombada.
He was fucking kids.
The inventor of hip-hop.
Wow.
Yeah.
So at its very core, hip-hop is about
the sixth pillar.
The sixth pillar is pedophilia.
Yeah, the fifth is realness, the sixth is uh getting it in with a kid.
That's pretty not chill if you ask me.
That African-that's probably the only pillar that is also related to Islam, right?
Yes, all the other
sorts of Islam, weird just cultural appropriation, but that one that's the pillar they kept.
That's the pillar.
Islam also does have b-boying as well.
Do they?
Yeah, they have break dancing.
Absolutely.
That's where that's the whirling dervishes.
If the prophet can't be drawn, but if he was, he would be doing, he would be hitting, he'd be spitting on his head.
Yeah.
He'd be hitting breaks.
You guys saw the video of Kanye crying.
Pretty funny.
I didn't.
No.
I'd like to ignore Kanye now.
I like Kanye, and I think
he has a beautiful soul.
Yeah.
And people can't really handle, I mean, it's like, it's not, he doesn't really.
Kanye is an abstraction, and you have to appreciate him the same way you appreciate Donald Trump or Adolf Hitler,
which is
not,
you know, they're Buddhas.
Yeah,
you don't have to vote for Hitler.
The Buddha was reincarnated.
I would still appreciate it.
Yeah, the Dalai Lama is, I consider myself sort of a trad Buddha, where I feel that the Dalai Lama was reincarnated into Hitler
in the 1930s, and we've had basically a fake Dalai Lama.
So where did the guy that was in Hitler go?
Kanye West.
Kanye.
Split double duty between Kanye West and Donald Trump.
Nice.
With a little touch of Segal.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
I see, I see.
I mean, the fact that the Dalai Lama is like, yeah, Stephen Seagal's a pretty good guy is evidence that Hitler was the actual.
I see no other explanation.
Didn't the Dalai Lama say some shit about women got to be fat or something?
Yeah, they gotta keep the pussy type.
It could be
a female Dalai Lama, but it has to be a hot shit.
It can't be an Uggo.
That ass has to be fucking on dump truck.
I'm gonna start a type of, like, a Zen offshoot that's just for
autistic people.
Uh-huh.
So the leader is called the Trolley Llama.
And it's about.
I love it.
You know.
Yeah.
Honestly, I think
it's a good thing.
I don't know what it's about, but it's Trolley Llama's good.
A bunch of guys with bulk cuts wearing that outfit, looking at trains.
I think we've done it.
We don't have to do anything any further.
No further questions, Your Honor.
Do you think that means the Dalai Lama thinks he's hot?
Oh, yeah.
If he thinks
the bitch version of the Dalai Lama has to be fucking, has to have big-ass tees and full lips and whatnot.
You think he thinks he can get pussy if he wanted to, but he can't?
Well, if you want to.
Can the Dalai Lama get pussy?
I think so, but they just choose not to.
Whoa, that's ultimate power.
Yeah.
I think the whole point is, well, I don't actually know.
I don't know.
I don't know anything about the fucking Dalai Lama.
I've seen Kundun in seven years in Tibet.
It would be funny if he was getting
so much more than that.
I liked it.
Yeah.
Are we allowed to say Kundun?
Yeah, if Marty says it's cool, it's cool.
Damn, there should be more movies that sneak racial slurs into the title under the auspices of foreign words.
Is that a slur?
It sounds like it could be.
Tyrrett, say it, and I'll stop you.
Stop.
No, try again.
Stop.
Okay.
Now try it again.
Do it.
Slow it down.
Stop.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, but it's a U, isn't it?
Isn't it K-U-N?
Doesn't matter.
Say it again, real slow.
No.
There you go.
No, I'm not.
That's how you know.
But I will say it regular Kundun.
Yeah.
Well, we're going to need somebody
out in the world out there to cut that down, shop it, and screw it.
Yeah.
See, I'm so innocent.
My brain is so non-racist as opposed to you two.
Did you get this from your website?
No, I actually got this at an Army supply store in Queens.
Oh, okay.
Because the website was taking too long.
Stop, you want to tell the world about your website?
I found a website that sells bucket hats for the extra large-headed man.
Or I should say person.
I guess some women might have big-ass heads.
Oh, yeah.
But this hat is a size eight.
Retarded women.
Size eight bucket hat.
Retarded women usually have bigger heads.
Do they?
Yeah.
Because brains work the opposite for women.
Oh, interesting.
That's true.
Oh, for just for women?
Yeah, the bigger they are, the more retarded.
Yeah, phrenology is actually wrong.
The smaller the brain, the smarter the
spiders are the smart.
It's like a solid state drive as opposed to a regular hard drive.
Spiders are actually incredibly intelligent.
Just think about it.
Could you ever make a web?
I could easily.
No.
I could right now if I wanted to.
I just don't feel like it.
No, you don't know how.
I would get some string, and I would spray glue on it.
And I would do nice little pieces.
Spider-Man can't even make a web.
He can just spray it.
He could if he wanted to.
No, he doesn't even know.
He has done a lot.
Half-man, half-spider, and he can't even build a web.
He's not half-man, half-spider.
The web is not
spider.
The web is not like a skill of his.
It's like a thing that he built, right?
It's like a.
I think in some versions it is, in some versions, it's not.
He has to reload his web thing.
I don't remember.
I think in the cartoon,
one of them is different from the cartoon.
I don't have the Spider-Man knowledge I used to.
I think the regular Spider-Man has the cartridges and the amazing Spider-Man.
That's what makes him amazing.
Yeah, again, this is a coon dune situation.
Yeah, it's a classic card.
Where all I've seen is Spider-Man 1 and 2.
Wait, have you?
You never watched the cartoon?
I love that.
No, no, no.
That one's Cox.
I mean, the one.
The one, the after-school one.
No, the only thing I remember is the Toby
McKeith.
Yeah, Toby Moffat.
Yeah, when he goes emo.
Spider-Man 2, when he's in the middle of the day.
Uncle Ben says to him, with white power, come to great responsibility.
Uncle Ben on his deathbed says, white power.
With white power becomes the white man's burden.
Keep them safe.
Yeah.
You have to make sure.
They don't know anybody.
You got to keep Indian people in line.
They need you, Spider-Man.
No, Uncle Ben.
I'm not ready.
You're not ready to boss Indian women around.
Yeah, Aunt May's like, oh, Peter, did Uncle Ben tell you about Indian women?
Okay, good.
Dude, how about Marissa Tomei, dude?
Because in the cartoon, it's some old bitch.
Yeah, but Marissa Tomei could absolutely get this.
Marissa Blome.
Blome.
How about Marissa Blome, not you?
Marissa Marissa Blow May.
Blow May first.
Marissa Blow May.
Blow May.
I'm pointing to myself everywhere.
No, you're Marissa May.
No, that's not even close.
Yes.
Her name starts with Tome.
But your name is Edissa Mayonnaise.
Say it again.
Edissa Manes.
Your name.
Yeah, that's right.
You fucking.
Your name is P.
Nissa Suck Lots.
My name is Jonathan Gay Sexio.
Chance.
Jonathan Chance.
I'm a spy.
I'm a spy, and I've got a dossier here.
Oh, I'm actually, hold on.
I'm opening up the dossier.
And it says I, Jonathan, and it's got all of your aliases.
The first one, Edison Mayonnaise.
No.
The second one, fat guy.
Wow.
That's not my alias.
You came up with that alias yourself?
Those are all fake.
That's false flag, Adam.
You're going to believe this guy.
He's a plant.
He's a fucking DHS plant.
I see him here with this dossy ass.
Just stop with a tiny fedora on, meeting people at the Edmonds.
In the Edmonds outline.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Looking over my shoulder suspiciously.
Yeah.
That's when it catches me.
I think when you go bald pony, you should get a duster.
What's a duster?
Every like once every six months, probably every time I saw weed, I imagine myself dressing like Bill Hicks and start laughing hysterically.
Bill Hicks wears dusters, yeah, for sure.
It's very funny to imagine that Bill Hicks, like the last year of his life, he's like, How funny would it be if I just said all this like serious shit, but then I dress like the biggest fag in the world?
It was just like that was all an ironic bit.
That would have been a great bit, right?
Where he's which gave us Tom Myers, right, maybe his most enduring.
He's, I'm gonna look like I'm gonna look like some Undertaker fucking special education class retard.
Yeah, just
the biggest loser possible.
Absolutely.
And then being like the government, you ever think about it?
Yeah.
And he's really just making fun of Bill Maher.
Is there the last time?
Did Bill Maher exist at that point?
Yes.
But not in that form.
No, not in that form.
You're right.
Yeah.
Well, was he just a fucking comic?
He was in movies and stuff, too.
Really?
Yeah.
Bill Maher?
Yeah, I think he had like a
big career.
And he's not Jewish, right?
We did this math.
No, no, he's not Jewish.
He is.
I tried to claim he wasn't Jewish, but I think he found out later in life that he was.
And that's how he got into movies.
I mean, he couldn't.
I mean, let's be honest.
There's no other way.
I would say that's why he's annoying.
There's no other way I could be in movies.
Okay.
Yeah, he's ugly.
He's annoying.
He's not that charismatic.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What movie was Bill
Bill Morin?
We could look at
some bad shit.
I saw a clip.
Blank check.
Blank check.
Yeah, he plays Mr.
McIntosh.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Isn't that just the kid?
It's a fake person.
Listen, kid, if I had a check, I'd be spending it on prostitutes.
That's the coolest part about him.
Yeah.
Is that he fucks whores?
Yeah.
Everything else, though, can get.
Apparently one specific type.
Black?
Is that what you mean?
I thought.
Whoa.
I thought.
Whoa.
Dude.
That's what I thought.
Listen, we got a...
The election is coming up.
We got to swing back to being a politics podcast.
Oh, yeah.
You've got to cool it on making any kind of references to black people.
We can't be sure that they exist.
As a true political podcast, we have to ignore the existence of black people.
We've got to walk on a tightrope here.
Well, I was just going to say, I will say this right now.
I've only ever heard of white people,
and they're bad.
That's right.
I only know of one people.
I've heard of a good group of people, but I don't know what color they are.
I don't know what color they are.
I'll tell you that much.
No, my place to even acknowledge that they exist.
Oh, fuck.
It's time to ramp up the politics.
Yes, because Joe needs us.
Who's Joe?
I don't know.
Yeah, I've never even heard of him.
I don't know who he is, actually.
I don't know who Joe is.
I don't.
I think this year you should vote for
don't vote.
Just do vote.
You have to
vote.
Vote or or die.
You got a politics show that really is as fucking cynical.
Just start a politics.
Listen, folks, it's very important that you vote, or maybe it isn't.
And whatever you do, you've got to trust your gut and vote for the right person.
And if you don't, it'll be your fault.
It's your fault.
But it's also not your fault.
And there's a lot because it's about society and a lot of systemic issues, but there's also
the fact that you didn't vote
in a state that's going to go Republican or Democrat one way or the other.
What is the system, anyways, but a collection of individuals?
That's right.
And you're one of those individuals.
And you're one of those individuals, but it's also society's fault.
Thank you.
You're listening to the Patreon politics.
You're listening to Give Us Money, the politics shit.
That's right.
You know,
I've always thought that
he just used the
music.
Can we start using his music?
Yeah.
As parody long.
His music kind of sounds a little bit like
California long.
California.
I've always
been Bill Maher and I'm gay.
My show sucks dick.
California.
I'm sucking pinos.
How to hate my mother.
We should have gone, dude.
We had tickets.
Yeah.
To what?
California?
No, it's a real time with Bill Maher.
Yeah, when you were writing on that show.
When you were writing on that show, Stop and I scored some ticks.
Did we?
I thought
we got some ticks.
Some guy was like.
I thought there was some kind of scheduling issue.
We couldn't go because of that.
Or maybe we left a little bit.
Oh, when I was writing for Tucker Carlson.
Yeah.
Yeah.
When you were out in L.A.
in Hollywood.
And you lost that job to the guy that
just got shit canned.
Yeah.
Which is.
It's weird because the writer's room is that guy and a bunch of black women.
Yeah.
It would be funny if Tucker Carlson had the same woke writer's room as everyone else.
Yeah.
And that controversy happened.
It's the same writer's room as Big Mouth.
And it was like
like a 23-year-old Nigerian girl that was just like, what if we said that it was actually Jews doing all this?
Yeah.
We can all agree on it.
Yeah, I wish we could all agree on it.
Okay, well, time for all of us to take lunch while the one Jewish guy in here does all the work.
Writes all the jokes.
Does absolutely everything.
And then we'll come back for lunch.
Yeah.
Have a great lunch, everybody.
Have a great lunch, girls.
I hope you're having a good lunch.
Don't worry about me.
I'll just be sinking into my spinal column,
writing the entire show.
Chinese people, open your eyes, okay?
It's time to open your eyes.
If you go around squinting at everybody, don't get angry when they do it at you.
New rule.
Bill, Bill, Bill.
Bill.
Bill Mard.
New rule.
Bill Mard.
All right.
We did that.
We did that after he said it.
He did.
It was.
Him saying it was hysterical.
It was so funny.
There is no reason for that.
Just the confidence with which he said it.
He was so like, what?
If they took classically pulse, it'd be like 65 beats per minute.
Yeah.
Like an Olympic swimmer taking a nap.
Like Michael Phelps in a hammock.
That's how low his fucking beats per minute would be.
Just as cool as hell.
I'm a house beef.
To a senator, too.
Not even with a comic who's going to riff with it.
That interview is like a commercial for Klonopin.
It's like, this is how.
do you want to feel like this?
Yeah.
It should have just been out in the field and tossing a football back and forth.
And he's like, check this out.
Boo!
Then it's just some VO, get your life back.
Yeah.
Get back to the you that just dropped in.
What about your son being trans now?
Just go ahead and get it.
Just get on pills.
Get back to dropping in bombs.
Willie goddamn new.
Truly a hysterical moment in television, man.
So.
Funnier than anything that's been on a fucking show.
Speaking of pills, if your penis doesn't work.
Oh,
yes.
If your penis doesn't work, you can go ahead and get it working again.
Get it fucking working with the blue chew.
With blue chew.
Why don't you guys take it away?
I'd love to, Nick, because you know what?
Recently, I
have, listen, I've been taking blue chew and I love it.
And it works my penis work nice.
But I said, let's take a walk on the wild side.
Somebody a while ago had sent me random unmarked dick pills, and I took one.
Oh, my God.
And it made, I will say, to give this random dick pill credit, it made my dick as hard as Blue Chew does, but
horrible headache.
Horrible headache.
I thought I was going to die.
I had to take a fucking shower.
Hot ears.
Hot ears the whole nine.
Yeah.
I was saying to myself,
why did I fucking, why did I forsake Blue Chew?
Why did I use a different dick pill to get my dick hard?
And I'll tell you what.
When I've got the Cadillac of dick pills,
just because I couldn't find them because I'm messy, well, guess what?
Got a fresh shipment of Blue Chew, and I took one this morning.
My dick is hard right now.
No headache, no nothing.
Oh, we're all hard.
We take one before every show.
Yeah, if you like sex, you'll love Blue Chew.
You'll love it.
And I like sex.
I like it.
That's the thing.
I have an appreciation for sex.
Excuse me, but I like it.
Yeah.
A
performance enhancement for the bedroom.
Like a gun would.
Absolutely.
Yeah, if you can't find a gun to put up your own ass, have the woman put up your own ass.
If that's the only way you know how to kill your ass.
Just put the gun up my ass.
Just put the gun in my ass.
Just put it in my ass.
In Blue Chew, you get the first shoeboards with active ingredients, sildenophil or tadalophil.
I'm a tadalophil boy.
The same active ingredients as in Ballegre and Chialis.
This is Mort here for Blue Chew.com.
Listen, My Penis.
You got blue chew mort, guys.
My penis, listen.
The official sponsor.
Oh, from the big mouth writers, right?
It's shit.
Big mouth slash Tucker Carlson.
My penis has been broken since 1972.
My rent hasn't gone up.
I've been living in Columbus Circle with a broken penis paying
paying just a price that's so low that you probably put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger if you heard it, knowing that I do nothing but complain about my broken penis.
And Blue Chew.com com affiliated physicians work with you to find the dosage and active ingredient that is best for you.
Some of them really talk like that.
Yeah, sure.
They get it that way I
it did now where you know I've leaned so far into being a stereotype that I'm a baby now.
No, I don't know what happened.
I just went on down to the Starbucks to get a new swabber and now I'm a baby.
I did it for twenty years and now I've just now become a baby that talks like this.
Jubiles can work faster.
The jubils from Blue Chew can be taken on a full or empty stomach.
That's why physician consult is free, so it's cheaper than those other two.
Oh, yeah.
It takes only a few minutes to connect with a Blue Chew.com affiliated physician.
And if you qualify, you get prescribed online quickly.
Faggots.
God damn it, I said it wrong.
Some video guy.
You're fucking faggot.
You fucking frag.
Bill, it's okay.
Just take it from the top.
Boop.
Bluechew.com.
Tewbles can work faster.
The tubles from Blue Chew can be taken on a full or empty stomach.
The online consistency can fucking fitch.
God damn it.
Was Bill really the only guy he had left?
Bill, you gotta suck.
His voiceover coach bolested him when he was a child.
Now this always happens.
Chris, I'm gay.
Hey, Bill, you're not gay.
Good news.
I just called your doctor.
He says you're not gay.
Boop.
And just go ahead and take it to the top.
The online physician consult is free, so it's cheaper than those other two.
Fiaggor and see Alice.
It takes only a few minutes to get fucked in my ass when I was seven.
God damn it.
No!
You know what?
We got everything we needed, Bill.
Thank you so much.
It only takes a few minutes to connect with a Bluetooth.com affiliated physician.
And if you qualify, you get prescribed online quickly.
No in-person doctor visit, no back of a van in the San Fernando Valley.
Getting molested repeatedly.
Boop!
Really?
It's a okay, Bill.
No problems.
Directly to your door in discreet packaging, tied up and bound, gagged, fucked day in, day out, until the end of summer vacation.
Oh, no.
Going back to school will never be the same again.
Unplug, no mic, holding a mic, not plugged into anything.
Now I live outside under the Hyperion Bridge, smoking dog shit to get high.
Dousing dog shit and bug spray to get high.
Spraying off all over dog shit and smoking it.
Trying to bury the memory of getting molested in a van because my mom was a whore.
Blue chew,
give us a bed every time.
You and your partner will love it.
So here's a great deal for you guys.
Visit bluechew.com and get your first order free when you use promo code COMETOWN.
Just pay $5 shipping.
That's B-L-E-U.
B-L-U-E.
B-L-E-U.
Yeah, I just don't know how to read it.
Blue Chew.
It is funny.
Like you're having sex with
the guy who got raped to make up for the fact that I literally can't read.
That's a great character, man.
That's B-L-U-E-Chew.com.
Promo code ComeTown.
Notes and idea starters.
Please use your own language and talk about your experiences if you wish.
We want men to know it's okay to need or want to
need or want some help to boost confidence and offer better sex.
Illegal in most states.
Do not use the pills to rape.
Yeah.
I'm going to go ahead and personally.
Price is subject to verification.
Price is subject to verification.
You're not allowed to use these pills if you're gay.
You are allowed to use these pills if you're gay.
You are allowed to use the pills if you're gay.
Sorry about that last part, except in Massachusetts.
Illegal to use the pills to be gay in Boston.
Just within Boston city limits.
But good news, nobody lives in Boston.
Everyone lives in the suburbs.
Alston,
Cambridge,
you know, all that kind of stuff, Quincy, Quincy, Newton,
Salem.
No South Shore faggots allowed.
No South Shore homos.
Yeah,
better clean it up.
Yeah, come on.
Come on, man.
It's for Bluetooth.
Say homo.
Imagine getting canceled, and you're like, I said no South Shore homos.
I did not say South Shore faggots.
Fuck.
Damn.
Yeah.
Blue Penis on it.
Shout out to BluePenis.com.
Chew and do it.
I watched this movie Spedders the other day.
This Paul Verhoeven movie from before he came to America.
And
a character gets gang raped.
How about Paul N.
Werthoven?
Okay.
Yep.
Let's go.
I think I could see some.
Yeah, my idea was there's a policeman who is shot, and they but he is a white man and he's shot with a bad bot.
It is some kind of a crazy future.
They have medicine and machines, and they build him, you know,
so they rebuild him with parts of just leftover blacks.
Yeah.
Well, I think maybe what if he's a machine instead of
what if he fights crime?
They use black people parts to make him.
What about electronics?
No.
And
Part machine, part black guy, part man.
Okay, so just
part man, part machine.
He's a black.
They turn the policeman into a black man whose head is a boombox.
He's a ghetto blaster.
He gets back at the criminals by calling the name.
Okay, all right.
I think you got a lot of good elements here, Paul.
I don't know.
How you can fight crime.
Mr.
Edward Hoven, I like
the the part where he's a robot and a man.
The name of the movie is called Showgirls.
Like, yeah, actually, Showgirls went through a lot of revisions.
The original script, they cannibalize a lot for RoboCon.
Yeah, his original screenplay that the studio didn't like.
The policeman has to turn into a stripper.
He's got a good pussy.
They give him a pussy.
Because he's a robot and a black man, the police department won't pay him.
So he has to support his family that doesn't remember him because they think he's white.
So when a black man with a boombox head shows up at home, the family is scared.
So he has to become
a lady.
So he becomes a stripper and he has his penis replaced with breasts.
Oh, wait.
But he has breasts where his penis would be?
Yes.
Wow.
And he becomes the most popular stripper in Detroit.
Oh,
still in Detroit.
And then he moves to New York to become a beautiful actress.
Okay.
I love it.
So his head is still a black guy with a boombox.
But then bugs.
Bugs try to kill him, and he has to go to space.
And then you find out the bugs are the good guys.
And the bugs are actually Jews from the Holocaust.
The Jew bugs are actually the good guys.
And then does he also
go to Mars?
Was that him, too?
Yeah.
And then, yes, Mars attacks, and he has to.
There's two Jack Nicholsons, and one is the president and yeah what about
sharon stone his wife i was talking about
i think mars attacks is tim burton
anyways a character gets gang raped by five guys and then uh
and then afterwards one of the characters is like yeah we thought you'd like it and then the next day he is a homosexual No, that's what turns him gay.
That's homo cop?
He gets gang raped into homosexuality.
Wow, Like it's a gang.
Yeah.
Like a woman in the bloods.
Yeah, but then he just finds out from the gang rape that he's gay.
And every
that's a nuanced understanding of homosexuality.
Yeah.
Pretty cool.
I've had that in the RoboCop remake.
RoboCop remake where they show him what he looks like without the suit or whatever.
Yeah, yeah.
But it's just a brain, and they've made his dick huge, and that's all that's left.
And he's like, and he's just like, hell yeah!
And they're like put the suit back on him this fucking rock this rules
my dick is fucking awesome
oh hell yeah yes
fuck yeah
yeah that's good i like that a lot actually oh you kept my original dick you made my dick bigger
Thank you so much.
Yeah, they're like, no, actually, we made your dick bigger.
And he's like, delete the files.
Delete all records.
Delete the records of my penis.
I'm going to destroy the computer room.
Yeah.
RoboCop's gone rogue.
He's destroying all the records.
He's saying his penis
seems to be regular size.
Regular size.
And he's killed all the scientists.
All the scientists that knew who his penis looked like before are turning up dead.
And the movie becomes stopping RoboCops called RoboCop True Show Girls.
Yeah.
Oh, hell yeah, dude.
Just a thriller where all the scientists didn't know this thing
keep dying.
Anyone that's seen his penis, like his old high school coach.
He kills his wife.
He kills his wife.
He kills his doctors.
He's like interrogating his fucking kids.
He's like, did you ever see my penis in the shower?
You're not allowed to see it.
His son's like, why are you talking like Batman?
also Batman.
I'm also Batman now.
I've decided when I moved to New York to be a beautiful actress, I took a Batman.
He pulls his dick out.
He's like, Look, what's up?
Is this what it always was?
Yes, dad.
Rachel,
look at my dick.
Well, you see, Robo Batman cop show girls.
I know your penis used to be small.
No matter what you do, you can't fuck me.
You'll never fuck my ass, Batman.
The Joker at his asshole, so he shut.
There's nothing you can threaten me with.
Unsew your asshole, Rachel.
Take it up.
Open up your ass.
Now you have a choice.
By the time it takes you to unstitch my asshole, Rachel will be dead.
You can either go fuck Rachel and save her, or fuck me in my ass.
Harvey, go save Rachel, but you're not allowed to fuck her.
Well, if I save her, I'm going to fuck her.
No!
And Biden, somehow, this proves your dick was regular.
Is him just fucking the Joker in the ass while Harvey Dentsy eating Rachel's pussy?
Batman's on the phone, he can hear her coming.
He's like, No!
No!
Rachel!
I hope you enjoy my ass, Batman,
because now you're gay.
And Rachel, you got
broadcast you fucking me in the ass on the news.
Gotham shocked to find out that beautiful actress Robo Batman is actually gay for
the Joker.
In other news, assistant DA Rachel got her pussy eaten last night in an abandoned factory by Harvey Dent.
He did a really good job.
Yeah.
He ate her pussy eaten.
Being straight, he ate it very well.
Like cell phone video
cop fucking Joker in the ass when he laughed.
Virtual!
No!
So the speakers on.
You're gay now.
Yeah.
Now you're gay.
You've fallen into my trap.
You've fallen into my trap, Batman.
Now you're gay.
The whole point.
Oh, man.
I can't believe I've done this show, Marshal Wayne.
Aren't you gay, Marshall?
Bruce Wayne's like, I stopped being Batman like six years ago.
He's like, no, that's a dude from the Olmer Hovind movie?
Yeah, this is some guy from Detroit.
I'm in an alternate universe now where I'm in high school.
I'm a guy in high school that's goth
and they just solve crimes around the school.
I'm not a Batman anymore.
I'm for teenagers.
Oh, that's right, Masterway.
That's right.
Well, I guess I'll go kill that homo.
Alfred's also homophobic.
Oh, well.
When I was in Burma, there was a six-year-old boy that we were all taking turns with.
Alfred, where's this story going?
We found the rubies in his ass.
What I'm saying is, it might seem wrong to rape a child at first, but when you find find out that they were actually the Ruby Fief,
through the process of fucking them,
in sort of a, you know, sort of a Machiavellian sort of way, is it really?
Was it really wrong?
Yeah, it's still wrong.
It's still fucked up.
It's weird.
It's still kind of a hard time.
You're being a pedophile.
You're a pedophile.
You rape a kid, Alfred.
Yeah, but I'm British.
Oh, yeah.
That's where you got good point.
That's...
I guess it's more of a sort of a systemic problem.
Were you wearing a pith helmet while you were doing it?
oh fuck
damn that dastardly joker strikes again dude what a so anyway that is my idea for what a master
that's the idea is that uh you know that's the whole pitch
we love it mr enward hoven
then we are thinking maybe there's a sequel where there's a guy named bane who is like a black lives martyr sort of guy And they're hobby.
He's very anti-fuck.
And he also fucks Batman.
And this time,
Batman is sort of the bad guy.
Damn, Christopher Nolan's other movie is never going to come out, huh?
Yeah, apparently it's.
Dude, I saw the trailer for that on Mushrooms when I saw Star Wars, and it looked awesome.
Because I was on Mushrooms.
I don't remember the trailer.
I watched it again sober and it did not look as good, but on Mushrooms, seeing that trailer fucking was so good.
What movie?
Tenant.
Why don't they just release it on demand?
I know, because that's Christopher Nolan's a fucking meat.
People would spend 20 bucks to see.
I would.
I would.
I got a big-ass TV.
I got a big-ass projector.
I would take Mushrooms.
Theaters aren't going to be open for another year, probably.
Yeah, Broadway is shut down until 2021.
This is the third time I've mentioned that edition.
Nick loves Broadway.
But you guys don't know this about Nick.
He's a fucking meatloaf.
I honestly, I would like to like Broadway because it's like I live in New York.
I should be taking advantage of it.
Yeah, it's the only place in the world you can see.
Maybe three times I've seen plays in my life, it's like it's nice.
I've only gone in Baltimore.
Shout out the Everyman Theater when I was a kid.
They used to take us to the players.
There's a lot of cool plays there.
It's mostly guys just the guy sitting on stage getting into a fight with Radio Shack customer service.
Yeah, it's just that
Everyman kind of things.
Kind of an Arthur McCarthy.
I saw fences there.
Well, yeah, it's not clearly labeled what kind of watch the batteries are for.
Uh-huh.
And that's the pleasure.
Excuse me.
Y'all sell free days here?
And there's a lot of yelling, so you know it's good.
Yeah, you guys sell socks?
Yeah, I know it's Radio Shack.
I'm asking.
I'm fucking asking.
Oh, fuck.
No, Rachel.
No!
You're gay now.
That being the turn.
Rachel, are you coming?
Don't come!
You can enjoy it, but at least don't come.
Don't come.
Don't come, Rachel, please.
Don't nut in his mouth.
Please, oh bust.
I'm coming, Batman.
There's cum leaking out of my penis.
No.
No, I'm gay.
Do you want to know what makes me come?
Damn, dude.
Now that's good stuff.
I saw the Boston play,
the king, Gandalfini.
You did?
One of the three plays I've seen in New York.
Damn.
Yeah.
But that was before I moved here.
What a braggart.
I took a mega bus up here so I could see it.
What a braggart.
Yeah.
What shi what play was it?
It was called God of Carnage.
I believe they made it into a movie.
Was he in it?
Uh, no.
It was him.
Jeff Daniels was in it, too.
Was he shitting his pants?
Was he shi did he have diarrhea?
No, but I saw I if Jeff Daniels preview before the show like came out, and I saw David Chase and the king little Stevie walking in together.
Oh, nice.
And he is a petite man.
Stevie Van Zand?
Yeah, he is a small guy.
Shut the fuck up, really?
Little.
Yeah.
How tall?
Probably like 5'7 ⁇ .
Okay.
So
he's a really
good, tall guy.
I don't get it.
It sounds like a guy that's maybe a little above average.
Maybe like an inch lower than the cutoff for what would be considered tall tall yeah you know a tall 5'8 yeah 5'
a towering 5'8 yeah that's tall enough tall enough tall enough 5'7 I would say is the per I would I think the perfect height 5'10 you start getting into gay guy too yeah now you're like a lanky giraffe that's fucked in its ass yeah now you're you're probably a bitch that would be so embarrassing to be over six feet tall oh yeah you know how hard it is for those guys
because it's they feel people feel so bad for them that they pretend it's good they're too tall to have sex with women.
Oh, women hate those guys.
Chicks hate it.
Because they're so tall and so cool.
Well, your body uses up all your growth hormones on your bones, so your dick stays small.
Yeah, so it gets so small.
And guys that are 5'7 with little dicks,
that's regular.
That's normal.
That's what you want to be.
Yeah.
With those guys, the growth hormones
were actually sold for cash.
To help people.
To help people.
Yeah, they went to Africa.
Boy, it was buying lunchables for people in Africa.
Yeah, that's true.
And leaving
the candies in there.
There's a lot of charities that remove the desserts from lunchables.
Not these type of guys.
Not these guys.
Five, seven guys, just with little dicks.
The male, the perfect man.
But he was petite, too.
He wasn't like a big guy.
Yeah, but he is so cool, dude.
He was wearing his bandana.
Yeah, he rocks.
His stupid face.
He's so cool.
You know, he was supposed to be Cassus, Tony, originally.
Yeah, originally.
You know, it was him and the guy who played
Jack Aprio.
Or not, Jackie Apriole.
Not Jackie, his dad.
Who's the fucking who's boss before?
John.
John Aprio.
No, Jackie was the boss before.
Oh, okay.
Jackie Jr.
Jr.
Yeah, Jack.
Those three were the same.
Jackie Jr.
was his fuck-up son.
I know.
Jackie was the dad.
Stop already corrected himself for that.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Don't make me look like I don't know the guy's name.
Don't make him look like a dynamo.
No, I know the guy's fucking boss.
I don't know his name.
And then Jr.
and then tony why don't you go get us a couple of orange cream sodas all right i'm alive and why don't you go why don't you go run down the block and first of all junior why don't you run down the block and go get me a big old glass of calm
bigger head junior was not really the boss he was not really the boss he didn't actually have the power if anything tony was a genius he kept the heat off him it was a genius maneuver if i went to one of those like blue lives matter rallies with a sign that says my dick is small do you think i would get the shit beaten out of me by italians uh
as you should But really try and sell it.
Like, maybe just mingle for a while and then bust the sign out.
Bust the sign out.
You got to punish your shirt on.
You got everything out.
You're like,
nah, nah, I'm here for the cops.
But I also got personal stuff that involves me that I would like to address.
Yeah.
It would have to be a double-sided sign.
It would have to say, you know, Blue Lives Matter or whatever.
No, I got my sign from a different rally I went to, and now I got.
I'm reusing it.
I'm reusing it.
I'm reusing the phone.
Come on.
It's about, you know, you don't think about recycling.
I'm protesting the size of my own dick.
I got a problem.
I was at a different rally.
I was at different rally.
But I'm going to throw away the fucking sign or I'm going to use the other sign.
Good poster boy.
After protesting a big dick rally,
and I was pissed off.
I was pissed off about it.
Ayo, this guy's not for me.
Yeah, no, it's fucking different.
It's like, you know, look, we're all here because we're pissed off.
We're all being pissed off.
I'm just saying.
Let me just recycle my fucking side.
Where the fuck am I going to get another piece of, what is it?
What do you call it?
Big paper?
Yeah.
Where the fuck do you even get this shit?
It's like a big, thick paper.
What the fuck is this thing?
It's like a big piece of paper or something.
Before I open up the printer, I take a piece of paper out.
I measure it.
It's fucking half the size of this.
It's not even close.
So I throw that one out.
Go back to the printer, pull out the next one, measure that.
Same size.
It's basically the fucking same size as the other one.
It's only a couple inches taller.
You're talking about 15 hours I spent measuring every one of those fucking pieces of paper.
They're all about the same size.
I love it.
Yeah, I love that he.
He's so bad at measuring.
They're not the exact same size.
Give and take a couple inches.
Every single one of them, none of them will even remotely qualify as a big fucking piece of paper.
And I understand the dramatic irony of writing my penises small on a tiny piece of paper.
But I want a big fucking piece of paper.
And I only got one of them, and I already blew it at the fucking tiny penis rally.
So forgive me if I write Blue Lives Matter on the backside of my My Dick is small family
and come here, come here down the fucking Bay Ridge.
To show respect.
The Bay Ridge to show my support.
The Guinea Gulch.
Yeah.
No, me, I live in Fairfax, Virginia.
No, I'm not from here.
No, I'm not from.
No.
My name is John Malane.
Yeah, no,
my name is Richard Salzwater.
Yeah, no, my family are German Jews originally.
Converted.
I just seen the Sopranos for the first time.
My kids are talking like this.
No, my therapist said it might make me feel better if I, you know, blame it on Italians.
Because I'm so
my identity is so wrapped up in how small my dick is,
they thought maybe if I would just
pretend to be Italian, you know,
just why don't I care about the police?
Yeah.
And by therapist, I mean my wife.
Oh, fuck.
And by wife, she doesn't know we're married.
She doesn't know we're married.
It's actually
a picture of Nicki Minaj, I'm activated.
It's actually a picture on my phone of Nicki Minaj
that
I stroke my penis.
That I do contribute to.
I have a little cushy dream about it.
Oh, yeah.
If you are pretending to be Italian and you're pissed off because your dick is small, what you need to do is smoke some CBD, some high-quality.
That's the one thing all Italians love, and that's weed that doesn't get you high the regular way.
That's right, bro.
If you're like me, you definitely forget to open up the copy for the reeds.
Shit.
No.
Not me.
You got it?
You got it?
Here we go.
I don't have it.
Yeah, I got it.
Company Cushy Dreams slogan.
Smoke your CBD because you can.
Cushy Dreams up is a full line up of premium smoke.
Listen, I be I'm not even a guy pretending to be Italian and mad because my dick is small.
I'm just a Greek guy who knows he's Greek, isn't pretending to be nothing and his dick is small.
If your dick doesn't work, try Cushy Dream.
Try Cushy Dreams.
CBD.
It works at least as good as Blue Chew.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, Blue Chew gets you high, and Cushy Dreams gets your dick hard.
Fuck.
There we go.
Here we go.
Use them together.
Send the copy.
Well, I just got to say, folks, we don't even need it.
Here's the thing.
You don't even need a copy.
There you go.
No, I sent it to you.
I don't even need it.
I go to Piss because I love it.
Here's what we do.
The sponsor's probably going to be mad about this, but I'm going to dip out to go piss.
And when I come back, you boys better still be be doing the reads.
No, we'll do it.
First of all, I don't even need to.
And I'm gonna be repeating everything you said.
Which email do you send?
I love it.
The group chat.
Didn't get it.
It's coming in.
It's coming in there.
We're gonna go.
Well, here's the point.
We don't need to wait because I love Ashy Dreams.
Well, guess what, man?
Am I the only fucking professional left on this fucking podcast?
You are, dude.
I don't need these fucking ladies.
I'm going to say, okay, so Chris Drew.
I don't need you, man.
We're big.
Well, I got to tell you, man,
I love smoking
high-quality CBD.
Okay?
And I love Cushy Jeans because she's the thing.
They got the fucking powerful flower.
They got the shit fucking in little fucking.
You want to smoke eighths of that shit?
Great.
But they got beautiful little pre-rolls.
Oh.
Maybe.
Maybe you're tired of getting high as fuck.
Eating so many edibles, your brain doesn't fucking work.
You watch movies, you don't even remember what happened.
You order $400 worth of seamless in a month easily.
You know how it goes.
Maybe you're tired of living that lifestyle, but you're not tired of smoking some beautiful, high-quality flour.
Yeah, you want something that looks like high-quality marijuana, feels like high-quality marijuana.
You probably get arrested if you were smoking it outside.
Yeah, something's not getting you high.
Something that if you were black and you were smoking it in public, you might actually be killed.
You might
services.
Of our armed police service.
Of our armed police services.
And you know what?
You might think, hey, how's that legal?
Guess what?
They're shipping to all 50
fucking states, you fucking.
That means Hawaii.
You know, that means if you're out on
pipeline, maybe you're in Alaska.
North Shore trying to
get the beach.
Maybe you're one of fucking, what's your face?
The vice presidential candidate with the big titties.
Maybe you're Sarah Palin's fucking children.
Maybe you're Sarah Perlin's retard grandson.
That's right.
Maybe that's trigger.
Yeah, flip, flip, flip, dick, flip, flip, dick.
Dick Lip.
Dick Lip Palin.
Yeah,
this is my retarded grandson, Dick Lip Palin.
Maybe you're Dick Lip Palin.
Guess what?
It's in all 50 states.
Here we go.
Folks, if we talk about cushy dreams, we should probably talk about the primary talking points.
I think so.
Bullet point number one.
It looks like high control.
We already covered that.
I'm sorry.
You know?
The content, CBD content.
and I know you're thinking, look, I like CBD.
Is the CBD content going to be a high percentage?
Motherfucker, it's 20% the highest in the fucking game.
That's the fucking highest.
You can't get higher CBD content in a smokable fucking fake marijuana than this.
If you can find a higher CBD content, I will kill myself.
I'll fucking kill myself.
I'll suck my own cock, and then I'll fucking pull the trigger.
I'll suck my own cock with a gun in my ass
and kill myself via
ass gun gunplay.
you know and listen there's a lot of cbd gummies there's a lot of cbd droplets smoking that shit is the fastest way to get it in your fucking system roll up a little fucking joint of rooney okay and just feel feel like feel beautiful on your balcony and let that cbd go into your bloodstream fast and you're relaxed you're calm but your head ain't you're not your head isn't in the fucking clouds let that open up your third eye which helps you see the truth about
and this is uh this is the same type of cbd that they smoke on the tv show jackass yes absolutely steve-o used this to help get off whippets yeah it's actually copyright the exact same season
it's the same cbd that buzz aldrin used to make up the moon landing that's right it's true the same kind that astronauts use to have fuck
get pussy i'm trying to have fuck i'm trying to have some fucking pulp independent lab testing this is cool they've actually closed all the corona testing facilities to double check the city To double-check the CBD, and it turns out that they show compliance and purity.
And then there's a link here to the results.
We'll click on that.
We're clicking on it, and it says A.
And then A
100%.
Open in Safari.
Lab results.
Extraordinary Smokable Flour.
And
the CREATE Effect.
Can of
Arin is 0.09%.
Can of
is 0.61%.
Cannabidigarol is ND
tetrahydrocannabidivarin is ND.
Nice.
Cannabidulia acid is 22.212%.
Yep.
Cannabidjocarlo acid is 0.25%.
So true.
Cannabinol CBN is ND.
What about sectic?
Delta 9 tetrahydrocannabinol is 0.1%.
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
That's right, bitch.
Delta 8 tetra cannabin, whatever, is something else.
And moisture is 6.71%.
Wow.
Nice.
And this is from a company called Coastal Analytical.
They do independent laboratory testing.
I actually sent some of my cum there.
Yep, they said it was some of the weakest shit they'd ever come across.
Zero weed in it.
No weed, no sperm.
No weed.
Nick has no sperm in Come.
That's not true.
Yeah, that's what I'm looking at the results.
That's not true.
In fact,
he has no swimmers.
Yeah.
It would be great to get tested.
Your dick tests are cum tested.
And they're like, yeah, you can't get anyone pregnant.
And then you're like, abortion should be illegal.
They just come out like, just be responsible.
You don't want to, don't get pregnant.
If you don't think, just get pregnant.
If I got a woman pregnant, I would never.
She keeps it.
I would love to be a father.
Even though the idea of grooming my horse in Red Dead Redemption gives me anxiety.
I'm ready to be a father.
That's not true.
I know I'm the sort of, I'm halfway the guy in this hypothetical.
Well, this part is me.
Oh, okay.
This half is me.
Oh, all right.
Sorry.
I can't do that.
I'm sorry.
That's all right.
You love grooming your horse on Red Dead?
Yeah, dude.
I would feed the horse.
I'd groom it.
Give it a little care.
That's the best part of the game.
Easy there, boy.
You okay there, boy?
Okay, girl.
See, I would have a girl horse because I'm not gay.
I'm like you.
You're riding around on a man.
girl animals.
You're riding around on a man.
Couldn't be me.
Dutch, there's another version of me that's gay.
Somewhere out there.
Riding around on a girl horse.
On a man horse.
On a girl horse.
The gay version of me is on a man horse, Arthur.
We're going to have sex with our horses.
Perfect.
I don't know about this plan, Dutch.
I'm ready for it because my horse is a girl and I'm not gay.
Dutch, how the hell is that going to get the federales off our back?
Well, you see, Arthur, we're going to be smoking cushy dreams.
It's a new world, Arthur.
Things are changing.
It's lab tested
and it's hand-trimmed.
It's grown in Oregon.
An alternative for people looking to cut back on smoking other things.
Like cock.
Like pole.
Which is what I would be smoking if my horse was a boy.
I love sucking my horse's cock.
Ever since I started smoking cushion drinks.
I was laughing earlier about sucking cock, but then you pull the cock out of your mouth and you go,
A big glass of water after a fucking hot day stroll.
And then the person getting their dick sucked is like, can you just, that's annoying.
Yeah.
Can you just not do that?
That's not a natural reaction.
I would love it if someone sucked my cock and then went.
I hate it when people do it with drinks.
No, I love it.
See, again, it's a European thing, I think.
Yeah.
Well, you're a peeing me off.
You're a sucking my dick.
How about that?
It mixes well with other things you can smoke, like cock.
Yeah.
Just sprinkle some cushy dreams over your lover's cock and smoke that thing.
What you do is you blow it up your boyfriend's ass, and then he
suck the smoke out of his dick.
That's right.
Each batch is slow-cured for two to four weeks to guarantee maximum freshness and
beautiful.
The flights
and cannabinoids, they take an artisan approach.
So we got Leon the professional
fucking being, you know, stopping having sex with a child.
we have to we have to cultivate the flowers
and then me and my eight-year-old girlfriend will kill the policeman who is trying to say this is meat
is Gary Olman a policeman in the movie
pussy ass fuck penis fuck penis ass ripeness
like make just make a Goddard movie when you penis fuck ass shit penis
penis pussy, penis rib.
I can't wait to suck a penis, fuck my ass,
every day she has she has a penis put into my ass, and she fucks me in my ass until I come out of my mouth.
Out of your mouth?
She looks out to the city, and what does she see?
A window.
What is inside of it?
It's me getting fucked in my ass.
Yeah.
What does it mean?
What does it mean to see me getting fucked in my hair?
I think what it means is you should go to cushydreams.com, spelled K-U-S-H-Y Dreams.
No.
Oh, yes.
You fucking idiot.
Sorry.
And at checkout, use promo code COMETOWN for 20% off your first order.
Woof.
Smoke your CBD
because you can.
Smoke it because you can.
And let's start the show.
Bow bow bow wow.
I'm gay.
That's our new theme music.
Yeah,
that's a good song.
I'm gay.
Rage Against the Machine.
Yeah.
All those that suck horses,
put my dick in there, aren't you?
It's interesting to see
what would happen if things calmed down.
Because it's very easy to get into a doomsday mindset.
But with the record of social media, it'll be funny to see
if,
you know, we just have like the same kind of neoliberal future as we had four years ago, right?
Nobody really gave a shit about anything.
Yeah, and everything's still getting worse, and no one cares.
Yeah, if it's a race to be as coolly detached as possible among the most, you know,
fucking rabid people.
Actually, yeah, I don't care.
I was joking.
I was joking.
Those three years where I said get the guillotines, I didn't care.
I I didn't actually give a fuck.
I didn't actually.
It's lame to care, actually.
Man, the guys, the people that like
are like choppy boy or whatever the fuck about guillotines.
I don't know what's so gay.
What's that?
Well, people are like doing cutesy names for a guillotine.
Oh, where it's like, yeah, look, I agree.
We should kill Jeff Bezos should die, right?
But you're not going to do it.
You're a pussy.
You're a fat pussy.
Unlike me, a strong man.
But I don't, I'm not on there tweeting about it.
I just, it's a belief that I'm not.
You're just making the plans.
I just, yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm secret.
I'm, me and my fucking working group.
You're figuring it out.
We move in the shape.
Real G's move in silence like Lizagna.
Like Lizagna.
As we all know.
But, yeah, I mean, I hope things get better.
I mean, well, my point is that they wouldn't actually get better.
No, they wouldn't.
People would just stop kicking.
It would still be bad.
No, I would like things to happen.
Because realistically, things are worse, but they're marginally worse than they were
um i don't know a bunch of people are out of work with all well that's the that's the pandemic yeah i mean like that you know
whatever i mean yeah i'm not gonna go into what i think about lockdowns again
no it seems
i don't i i mean
to say like i don't think i think it's just like whatever i mean the the lockdown shit could have happened with anybody and it's just like a huge bureaucratic failure and a big like in my mind if you want to have a conspiracy about it, it's like
yeah, of course.
It's just there's no way to, it would have been fucked up regardless of who was.
Yeah.
I think that, I think you're probably right.
Like, assuming Biden wins, then there's just going to be a malaise that settles in.
Going back to brunch?
Yeah, people are going to go back to brunch.
Remember Obama?
Remember, it's like no one gave a fuck about anything.
But people like loved Obama and really thought he was going to change things.
Yeah, they loved him for 10 years.
The first term.
And then
he didn't do any of those things.
And then he got his ass cheeks clapped by the Republicans.
But he just got
re-elected.
He just became the president.
No one really cared.
Right, but then he was like, it was able to sort of
wash over all of that by just being sort of cool.
And pussy, too.
Yeah,
there is like weight to being the first black president or whatever that made it easy to bomb 11 different countries.
Any of the shit that was going on that nobody fucking cared about that suddenly is a huge issue to everybody.
And And how little dick it Obamacare ended up.
It's like Biden can't do that.
Yeah.
You know, nobody's going to be like, he's so cool.
Nobody's going to be excited about it.
People weren't excited about a Biden or Biden vice president.
Right.
You know, that was like, yeah, Obama, but I guess Biden.
Yeah, Biden.
Yeah.
It was so funny that they picked Biden, man.
Yeah.
His whole career up until then was like the guy who kept getting caught plagiarizing JFK speeches.
Every time he ran for president, he would just give JFK speeches.
We're going to put somebody on the moon
by the end of the decade.
Ask not.
What?
Fear from whatever.
Or no.
Ask your country or whatever.
Eat ass not what you can ask your pussy.
Fuck me and my ass.
Fuck not my ass because it's gay.
Ask the mouth not what you can fuck me and my ass.
Yes.
Is Kennedy okay?
Is Jack all right?
Ben on gay guy.
Ick suck dick fan
von penis.
Ick been oin penis.
German people are like, oh yeah, that's that's true.
Very cool, Mr.
Kennedy.
Can we please thank you for saying our language?
Please send us more cinnamon rolls.
There's a Berlin airlift.
They just sent fat pussy over there.
Yeah, BWW.
They said BBWs.
I feel like Germans have fatter pussies.
That's just something I think.
Fatter pussies?
I haven't done any research, but I just think a
sort of Nordic type, but fatter.
I don't know.
I feel like I still don't trust them fully.
I wouldn't
have to.
Ever think that maybe it's up to them to trust you?
No.
Because if you really look at it, whose trust was violated?
I haven't.
The German people?
No.
The German people?
Listen.
Did they break any kind of promise?
Yes, or did they just react to promises broken?
Listen, I think pretty clearly they were the ones that broke promises.
I feel like I don't know.
I'm just asking
about the Nazis,
about the German people.
Yeah, you know, an apology goes a long way.
Just admitting they were just doing their jobs.
And as we can see with this pandemic thing, you should be happy you have a job.
And if somebody tells you to put somebody on a train, you do it.
That's your job.
Because
there was a pandemic.
You could be out of work, and you could be one of these people just sucking up unemployment benefits,
spending it all on PlayStation.
So true.
Not a care in the world.
We need to cut those benefits off.
We need to make sure people starve to death to teach them a lesson about getting sick.
The problem with them making more money now than when they had a job is that they're lazy.
They're lazy.
Not that their jobs don't pay dickhole.
Goddamn.
Why don't we just give everyone 600 bucks for the rest of time?
Everyone could get pussy and just hang out.
There should be a...
Look, if I was in charge of everything, here's the two things I would implement right off the bat.
You still get to have personal property, but there's zero property taxes on any
single residence that you occupy.
Okay, I love that.
You should, if you have a second property, jack those fucking taxes up
straight through the fucking roof.
To completely dissuade people from having anything that even resembles an investment property.
Number two, there should be UBI, but the way it works is it's a bribe to never fucking post anything on the internet every year.
Yes, yes.
You have to delete your account.
You choose between a Twitter account and UBI.
You start off with you get $1,000 a week.
For every character that you type on the Internet, you lose $1.
Yeah, the whole idea of privacy is gone.
Everybody decided they didn't want it.
After 9-11, that's a fucking pipe dream that we're ever going to have privacy anymore.
And now people, even beyond being the government or big tech or whoever does it, people want to just expose every detail of their personal lives.
They willingly want to give it up.
Yeah.
Right.
So every word you type, every character, you lose a dollar out of your thousand.
Character.
Yeah.
For every word.
Even a space.
We'll figure it out.
We'll find the right word.
Yeah, we'll do that.
Character.
Adam's hardline on this.
I'm hardline.
It's like a gun buyback program, but it's for social media.
Yes.
Basically, we want to boil it down to the only thing that you can post online is a single emoji once a week to let people know how you're feeling.
Yes.
Smile.
That'd be great.
I would quit comedy.
And all the emojis are in the black skin.
Well, that's blackface.
Well, that's just the only one.
You're canceled, sis.
That's the only one.
You're actually canceled, Adam.
All right, fine.
I went too far.
Yeah, well, first of all, you do do digital blackface, and let's not forget.
Yeah.
For my
Chris Bosch.
Because you're Chris Bosch on Twitter.
A lot of people never thought I did digital blackface when I was on Twitter, but if they knew how I was saying the tweets, you know, it was in Black black voice, black scent, yeah, yeah.
The hell you mean there's no unicorns,
you mean I sucked off you telling me I sucked off a regular horse.
That's a classic
that's how I would do all of them.
Yep, dude, it's wild to think about what Twitter used to be in 200.
I used to like go on Twitter, I'd wake up, hungover, and be like, Time to have fun online with my friends, right, right, right, right.
Time to do jokes on the internet with my friends.
Yeah, I can't even look at it anymore.
It's crazy.
I think people should go back to normie posting.
Well, it's like, it's funny because people are like, you know, it's like, I've said before, like, oh, I missed the old internet, which was mean, but it was also funny.
And there was like a balance that you could strike between the two of them.
And it's not like this new internet is any nicer.
No.
No, it's more mean.
It's way more mean.
Way more mean.
Because you want to destroy people's lives.
Right.
You used to go online.
You used to go online and somebody would be like, nice hat, faggot.
Yeah.
That's it.
That was the experience.
They're not going to lose their job.
Right.
It's like you should lose your health insurance.
Because in 2009.
We're finding your mother's address.
In 2009, you said you wouldn't watch Spider-Man if he was black.
It's sadistic.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's sadistic.
It's succistic now.
Damn.
Damn, I wish I could just stop doing all this shit.
Y'all want to get something to eat after this?
I had some of my green curry that I made last night before we recorded.
Just say yes.
going to say yes on the show.
Yeah, dude.
Don't embarrass me like this.
Let's go back.
If I say new rule.
New rule.
If I say, do you want to do something?
I don't even mean it.
We got to let it.
You know I do.
I'm trying to transition.
Last episode, I said, do you want to go to the beach?
I think you said yes on the show.
Yeah.
But you just said no.
And I ended up not doing it.
Yeah.
Okay.
I see it.
I respect that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Then, yes, I do want to get something to eat.
Okay.
Have a power lunch.
Do you actually, though?
I don't.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
You ate before the show, too.
Yeah, I had a salmon.
Yeah, I also ate before the show.
I'm in day three.
I do want another coffee cover of fat recovery.
I'm doing my fitness pal,
I'm doing yoga.
I'm trying not to die.
Honestly, that dick pill that I talked about gave me a headache.
I was like, I can't die from dick pills.
My fitness pal is like, hey, we just noticed you should probably keep logging dick pills as lunch.
No, it's maybe, maybe, maybe 17,000 calories calories a day is just a little bit too much.
It would be funny if there was a way to just like you just put something in your body and it automatically tracks the calories.
If I saw those readings, it would be ridiculous.
It's just like a pop-up on Stob's from my fitness palette.
It's like, I'm sorry, I'm not trying to piss you off.
I'm on your side here.
We're trying to help you.
Gentle reminder, Stop.
Hey, listen.
So I'm going to go fucking make some chicken breasts and watch NBA scrimmages.
They're on.
Oh, I gotta go to Costco and re-up my.
I'll buy the
bags of
rotisserie, the pulled rotisserie chicken bags.
You fuck with those?
I don't really.
They're great for like.
Actually, Costco's are good.
The ones that the Key Food buy me are horrible.
The bag of
pulled rotisserie chicken.
Oh, pulled?
It's already off the thing?
They take a rotisserie chicken, they pull all the fucking meat off of it, and then they bag it up, and then, like, vacuum seal it.
Yeah,
I buy like 10 of those, and I throw them in the freezer, thaw one out, and then I use it for like chicken burritos and shit.
I like that, yeah.
That's not bad.
Oh, very nice.
It's the uh, the move arena.
I fuck with that.
See, the key food by me had, when I first, I mean, this was four years ago at this point, yeah, but I had I took one of the rotisserie chickens, and it was delicious, but it gave me wild shits.
And everyone in my apartment, wild shits.
I just haven't been back since.
I think Costco has their own poultry farming operations.
That's how many rotisserie chickens are.
I could see that.
They sell like millions of rotisserie chickens.
The chicken's good.
Yeah, five bucks.
Not a bad deal.
You know what?
I got to try doing rotisserie in my.
I have a fucking convection oven that has a rotisserie.
Yeah.
And now you have an Instapot, too.
And a mandolin.
That's right.
I got it all, baby.
All right, folks.
Yeah.
Yeah, what should I eat for lunch?
Maybe a little sushi.
Sushi's not a good one.
Make some rice,
raw fish,
A little sashimi.
It's crazy.
I didn't know until last year, if you buy raw fish at the grocery store, you could just eat it raw.
You should get sushi-grade fish.
That doesn't mean anything.
Does it not mean anything?
It just means it's been frozen, I think.
Really?
Yeah, they flash freeze it.
That doesn't make sense, does it?
Yeah, you just freeze.
You can freeze any piece of fish for a week.
Or so I read on like fucking a wiki how or something.
Yeah.
Well, it would have to be high quality.
I don't know.
I wouldn't trust any piece of fish.
Well, I've been doing it for years.
Okay.
No.
Since I read that, I've just been eating raw fish and not worrying about it.
Nice respect.
On the wiki, how to how to be Japanese.
Start saying thank you to people.
That's right.
That's number one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thank you.
All right, folks.
Well, that's going to do it for us.
Thank you for listening.
Come to town for t-shirts.
Stavi Solves Your Problems.
Go to Stavi Solves Your Problems on Fridays and check it out on YouTube.
On Mondays.
It'll be up on YouTube.
That's right.
A great program.
Check it out.
Have a good one.
We'll be back on Sunday.
Enjoy your lives.
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