Ep. 216 – Shaubat U Suck Me Off

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Yeah, I was gonna

go see Les Miz.

And what?

Well, I walked down there and they got this sign out front that they're closed till

2021.

What the fuck?

Les Miz?

Yeah, all of Broadway is shut down, and I just,

you know, I don't even know.

I didn't realize, I didn't look at my watch or anything, but I didn't, I figured that's I'll just chill out

until 2021.

2021.

And I made it about, I waited as long as I could, and then I just pissed myself

because I thought, you know,

if I go now, the line,

there'll be a line.

I mean, I'm first in line, but I'm also last in line.

True.

But I know how this stuff works.

I leave

there's 100 fucking

15 people in that line, ended up pissing myself.

And

so, you know,

that was noon to about 12.15 today.

Yeah.

The waiting in line or the whole episode.

The entirety of that episode

was I showed up at, I got out of my car on Broadway at 12 noon.

Parked it in time stream.

And I was soaking wet by about 12.11.

12.11.

Oh, so the four minutes at the end were just.

I was still pissing.

You were still pissing for four straight minutes.

And I thought, you know what?

This probably isn't going to stop.

I got out of line.

I get to the corner.

Guess who's finished pissing?

And there's a huge line.

Are you serious?

I don't know.

I may have been confusing it with one of those Falloon Gong protests.

I definitely was covered in piss.

I can tell you that much.

Guys, this is, okay, so that's unfortunate.

I'm sorry.

but we actually have a big opportunity.

If Broadway shut down, we can break into all the theaters, put on all the costumes,

put on our own fucking Broadway shots.

That would be true.

Yeah, we could.

No one's stopping us.

No one to stop us.

And we film it like fucking Hamilton, and now we're the fucking big, big guys.

So we put that on.

Lynn Manuel can suck this fucking prick.

I am Alexander Hamilton.

I am gay.

I own slaves, and my dick was small.

Well, we could do another person from history, like maybe Martin Luther King rap.

yes we should do martin luther king

because here's the twist yeah they did minorities as white people yeah now we're doing white people as minorities yeah we have jamie kennedy as martin luther king

yes

martin kennedy and martin luther kennedy montgomery alabama's most wanted

and it's jamie kennedy that's awesome yeah that's true we have screech from saved by the bell by malcolm x how about we do joseph mangeley's experiments, but it's the Jamie Kennedy experiment.

And he's in Auschwitz, pranking twins.

Yeah, that's good.

He was.

Yo, I just drilled a hole in your head and poured

pool cleaner in it.

You're on my new show, the Jamie Kennedy Experiment.

He used to come hang out.

He'd be at the stand like once every three years.

Yeah, there was a period.

He was at the old stand for like two weeks straight.

Yeah.

It was weird.

And he looked awful.

Horrible.

I feel like he could still sell out.

I mean, Irish people age terribly.

Oh, yeah.

I never think of them.

They're like a pair of Chuck Taylors.

They just fucking disintegrate.

Yep.

Yeah.

And there's no support either.

Yeah, no support.

And then you throw them on a telephone wire.

You could be an Irish person who never touches a drop of booze in their life.

Stays hydrated.

Stays drinking a gallon every other day.

Always got a sunblock on under an umbrella.

There's a sunblock on umbrella, moisturizing constantly, and you hit 50, and you look like the fucking Darren Aronofsky wrestler.

Yeah.

Just plastic surgery.

Nothing.

You've never done anything, but you're swollen.

You look like the last blueberry in the container.

100%.

You look like one of Alec Baldwin's nuts got stung by a bee.

Yeah.

A wasp, even.

That sounds terrible.

You look like Alec Baldwin, really.

Yeah, that's true.

That is just.

Yeah, because that right.

Because he was sexy.

Like, Alec Baldwin was hot.

And then

the Democratic Party took away being able to call valets cocksucker.

And now he's just

filled with slurs.

Yeah.

If you prick Alec Baldwin with a pin, the N-word will come out somehow.

We should just let him call Donald Trump the N-word.

It would be healthy for Alec.

Find a nice.

Just let him call the president the N-word cocksucker.

Yes, sir.

And then we can get old, you know, Miami blues Alec Baldwin back.

1980s Baldwin.

A real piece of ace.

Yeah.

He used to work at, you see the pictures of him working at Studio 54?

No, was he like a...

He was like a little fucking drink boy.

He was like a barback.

There's like pictures of him, I want to say in a speedo even.

He was a bareback at Studio 54.

You know, some like producer paid him money to suck his cocks.

Oh, for sure.

And that's how he got his start in the biz, probably.

Yep.

We should start a disco.

Yeah.

I got a lot of ideas today.

How about the hunchback of Hamilton?

Okay, it's Hamilton, but he's retarded.

So it's Alexander Hamilton, but he's.

Yeah, he's a hunchback.

But he also is physically the hunchback of Hamilton Dom.

Okay.

And he's still serving in the government and stuff?

Yeah, the French.

Yeah, he's still the ambassador.

Is the hunchback of Notre Dame?

Is that another French Revolution story?

No, I don't know.

It's a story about a fucking guy with a hunchback not getting pussies.

And he guards the Bastille.

Does he not get pussy from?

He never gets Esmeralda's pussy.

No, he's not the Bastille.

He's from Notre Dame Cathedral.

He pulls the bell.

He's the white supremacist at the top that burned to death.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

Good.

Good that this Mayo-ass retard burned to death.

Yeah.

Help me.

Help me, Doe.

The bell's on fire.

Help me.

Fuck you, white boy.

Good.

The Caucasity of the Hunt.

Why didn't you think about all the pyramids you people burned down?

So true.

The pyramids used to be cubes

until the white man came and took

half of it.

Took most of, took whatever.

The corners.

Whatever percentage of a cube you'd have to remove.

I'm going to say 50.

Is it exactly 50?

Because, yeah, because it's the corners.

I would say 50.

I was never good at geometry.

I was not either.

In fact, that's kind of where I checked out in school because algebra made sense to me.

And I remember getting the geometry, and I'm like, oh, I have no idea.

I don't get this at all.

Dude, fuck shapes.

What the fuck do we need to know about going into geometry?

I'm like, shapes.

Yeah.

Come on.

Easy.

Yeah, yeah.

And then that's where they get you because I thought the same thing.

And then, I mean, in school, it's such bullshit because it's like, I think back,

especially

to take it in the context of itself, you're fucking 13 years old, 12, 13 years old, and you have to spend a year of your life at that point, 10% of your life,

you know, which, again, I didn't go past that.

That's about right.

So that's the equivalent now of a 30-year-old man

having to spend 18 years.

Yep.

Yeah, something like that.

Imagine you had to spend three years learning how to figure out how much space is inside of a triangle.

No thing.

And it's like, well, can I just measure it?

They're like, no, take the protractor off there.

You got to do it in a way where you only have the protractor for part of measuring.

When will this ever happen?

Or, like, well, let's say you want to start a baseball game and you're trying to figure out the diamond, what it should look like.

And it's like, yeah, no, no.

We'll never do that shit before.

We're not doing that.

And guess what?

We do have calculations.

Anybody who would is no longer allowed to play in the pickup.

Stop playing.

We're going to pull his pants down and piss in his face.

Yes, sir.

And then when his mom complains,

we'll say she's being an uptight bitch.

And guess she's getting some piss in her mouth, too.

We're gonna piss in her mouth.

We're gonna piss in her mouth.

We're gonna take a little trip down to Broadway.

Get in line.

Hey, Mrs.

Thompson, we need a port-a-potty because we're trying to go see lay Miz.

And we heard from your bitch son that your mouth was open for lay business.

Les Bizzer.

Oh, I don't think, I think it's been three episodes too late, but I just wanted to say

R.I.P.

to Mary Kayla Terno.

Oh, yeah.

True.

One of my original women crushed Wednesday.

Totally.

Getting pussy from a child.

Yep.

She made me feel like when I was a boy, there was a chance

that a lady could rape me.

I can't tell you.

I cannot stop reading this Will and Jada Pinkett Smith.

Why?

What's going on with it?

I'm kidding.

I mean, I have, I literally, I still don't know what's going on.

I don't explain it to me, but I understand somebody.

It's a guy named August.

Fine.

But why are they at a table talking about it?

Well, well?

They have a show called The Red Table Talk.

What is that?

Jada has a show.

It's a TV show, or it's like a podcast.

Do you want to say it's a Facebook show?

What the fuck is a Facebook show?

But what they do is

whenever there's tea to be.

There's all these things that don't make sense to me now because I don't understand what they are in principle.

Did you see today they had a pro-police protest?

Their protest?

I don't understand what that is.

I don't know where.

I don't know.

It's somewhere.

It was in like fucking like Diker Heights or awesome

Somebody listed a I saw a tweet the other day they were like Diker Heights Benson Hurst Bay Ridge oh yeah, you know uh Gravesend all of these neighborhoods are filled with white supremacists and it's like well

I don't know if we mean Italians that's what you mean there's something those neighborhoods have in common yeah and I don't know if it's white supremacists yeah

it's Italians well for me I don't even consider them to be white.

So, yeah.

No, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There was

one video I saw from Diker Heights where it's some girl.

What are you doing?

I think we switched mics.

I'm on channel two right now.

So what?

Channel three.

So what?

So I was a little low.

If you want to change it, it's these.

Oh.

So you didn't actually do anything?

I didn't do anything.

Do you know if you were saying anything?

It could be that you think you're low.

Maybe I wasn't saying it.

You weren't.

I sound more high.

You weren't contributing anything.

No, no, no.

I think that's probably it.

Just silent for 15 minutes.

I was not silent.

Just in your head being like, my mic is off.

I'm crushing.

Yeah, I'm crushing.

I said that.

Yeah, I'm saying all the things that I'm hearing.

It doesn't sound like me, though.

That Martin Luther King,

white people, rap music.

Keeping track.

Yeah, that was.

Seven minutes into the podcast.

I'm giving myself one.

Joke's on you.

I don't even know where I am.

I've been pissing myself for 15 minutes.

i'm soaked in urine i'm thinking dude the best part is if you keep joking about pissing yourself some guys will start pissing themselves yeah it's gonna be a meme

the mullet yeah we're doing the mullin the mullin challenge stand outside stand in line somewhere and piss your pants

or from before from last episode go to a drive-through and piss your pants yeah those are the two mullin challenges

do the hashtag mullin challenge and send us the videos

you just say it's protesting protesting.

Yeah.

Because that's the only way you're allowed outside right now.

Yeah, hashtag it BLM, hashtag at Mullen Challenge.

I'm going to go piss myself at McDonald's and demand they bring back Monopoly.

Yeah.

Just protest.

But black people get to win.

Yeah.

Rig it.

Yeah.

We should rig every Monopoly game so black people get to win.

And we'll call it Even Stephen after that.

That ought to do.

We just call it M, apostrophe N, apostrophe P

apostrophe L-Y.

Oh, Monopoly.

Yes.

Yeah.

Okay.

I don't know if that would be so clear that that would be the black version, but

maybe change the name.

What would you call it?

Yeah.

What would you call it, Adam?

Monopoly.

Maybe black monopoly.

Black Monopoly has a nice ring to it.

Monopoly black, maybe.

Blacked Monopoly?

Blacked.

Blacked raw monopoly.

And jail is replaced with Africa.

Go on a two-week vacation to the motherland.

That sounds kind of cool.

So functionally in the game, it serves the same purpose, but then the little thimble has kinte cloth on it.

I like that.

And maybe with snow globe.

The thimble is a goofy.

Yeah, a little snow globe.

From Africa.

Yep.

It's got to snow in like Egypt sometimes, right?

Northern Africa?

Well,

the south part of Africa is right there by Antarctica, so it's frigid.

Yeah, it's really cold.

Where my family comes from.

Yeah, South Africa, that's true.

You see a lot of those Afrikaners in

their skiing.

In Canada Goose.

I think it snows maybe on Kilimanjaro.

Maybe that's where you get a little snow.

It is weird when you're in L.A.

or whatever, and they got those mountains that look like they're maybe...

10 minutes away.

Yeah, and they're far.

And there's snow on top.

That's really cool.

What the fuck?

How does this work?

Fuck this.

I'm fucking pissed off weather.

This goes back to not liking geometry.

Yeah.

Because that's not understanding space.

And I'm with you.

It pisses me off.

Yeah.

Because you should be able to walk to those mountains.

You should.

It shouldn't be four and a half hours.

Yeah.

Fucking bullshit.

What was I going to say?

Yeah, we used to, it used to be like that in Vegas.

It'd be like a desert, and then in the mountains around it, it was like snowy.

Damn.

And when I was a kid, you'd see old westerns, and you'd see them like riding in the desert, and then they'd ride into the snow.

They'd ride up.

and it made no, it made no sense.

Yeah, that's the way that's read that redemption.

There's some uh Jimmy Stewart movie where he has to go to Washington, D.C., and they shot the whole thing in fucking LA, obviously.

And he's like getting off the bus, and it's like Washington, and there's just the fucking, like,

you know, whatever, the Sierra, the Vaude, whatever mountains, Sierra Mission,

San Fernando, San Fernando, Santa Monica Mountains, I think.

Yeah, no, I think they are.

That's not it, yeah, whatever you said.

It's not that, it's not what it it's big bear, dude.

It's big bear, no, it's big bird, big bird mountain.

How big do you think big bird's dick is, and where do they hide it?

Birds don't have dicks, they have color.

Cloakas, no, girl birds have cloakas, boy birds have cocks, yeah, they have coiled penises.

That's ducks, that's an Argentine

duck.

That's a bird, you dumb bitch.

Ducks are amphibians

here.

before.

All right.

All right.

That's fair.

Yeah.

So a cloak is an ass and a pussy.

Ass and a pussy.

Yeah, you pissed it on and fucking it.

That's nice.

That's effective.

I'll tell you, where that was

waiting in line to see Le Miz.

Yes.

It's having a setup like that.

So you could shit as well as piss.

Just imagine, you know, you have a nice night out with a girl, and then you go back to her place.

It's kind of spontaneous.

Yeah.

And you're fucking, and then,

you know, classically, anything you do in life, you immediately have to piss.

Yeah.

And you're like, ah, I'm having such a good, spontaneous night with you, but I have to piss.

And she's like, my pussy's also a diaper.

I have a cloaka.

You're like, wow.

Well, this isn't the idea.

She pisses out.

This is such a nice.

I'm just going to piss into it.

This is such a funny thing.

I'm already sort of pissed out of their pussy.

You're ruining my romantic comedy.

This is such a fun meet-cute.

And it's called The Woman Whose Pussy Was Also a Diaper.

It's

fucking Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan in front of Les Miz on Broadway.

They all have what you're saying.

And they're holding hands and they're laughing and the front of his pants are covered in piss.

So he pissed himself anyway?

He's always pissing himself.

It opens up and Rob Ryan is like, maybe you'd have more successful dates if you weren't pissing yourself all the time.

Billy's like, but I like it.

I can't stop pissing myself.

Okay.

I like it so far.

I guess I'm wondering where the shitting out of her pussy element comes in.

Because he meets Meg Ryan and it goes home with her.

But she's so awkward.

Because my point is, you could piss into a current pussy.

She just got broken up.

She's over email.

That's real.

I like that.

I like that wrinkle.

It was Tom Hanks who broke up with it.

You're dumped, bitch.

This is the computer.

I have to go to do a FedEx mission.

The computer says you're dumped, bitch.

You just got dumped,

bitch.

Okay, that's a mean email.

She's just staring at the computer and it's saying that

the speakers.

The writer's like, well, I've never had a computer before.

My friend told me about them, and I figured that's the way they work.

We figured it didn't matter.

That went into the shooting script.

You know, the computer breaks up with a dumb whore.

Yes,

she's dating.

We couldn't get Tom Hanks, so we just had that character die on an island.

And then they loved that idea so much that they eventually cannibalized that for Castaway.

Hoping that nobody would remember that classic you got dumped bitch scene from

the bitch whose pussy was also a die drink.

Okay, so I get it, but again, does she ever shit out of her pussy?

Sure.

Yeah.

Because what I'm saying is you could have a current pussy.

She's one of those like like classic, like, romantic comedy girls.

She's very awkward about the fact that she only has one hole that she pisses and shits out of.

And she's like, I'm not sure.

And he's like, don't worry about it.

You're beautiful.

And then she pulls down her pants.

She's got this.

It smells horrible.

Smells like

straight Chipotle.

You just had a Chipotle burrito come out of that thing.

Yeah.

I can't wait to make this movie.

This one, and then the idea I had for Death Wish, but his family never never dies in the beginning.

He's just a guy that gets a gun.

He's a guy that finds a gun

on the way home from his architect job.

And he's like, what if I took the lawn to my own?

I started killing Puerto Rican teenagers.

What if I just started shooting people?

That's good too, man.

That's a couple awesome ones right there.

Wow.

We're like, this is a movie factory over here.

Yeah.

And they're making out on the chain, and Billy Crystal's pissing himself, and her pussy comes out of her dress to

suck up all the pants out of his fans.

That's awesome.

And then Bronson's on the train.

He's like, isn't that beautiful?

And then the woman next to him is like,

you just shot my son.

Shut up, bitch.

Yeah, I got it all on camera.

Yeah, then there's

Deathwish 6 is him hiding out while there's a bunch of Black Lives Matter protests with pictures of them like a rest walker scene.

And he's like, I think I've gone too far.

Maybe I'm fucked this time.

He thinks I blew it.

Got a little too greedy.

Oopsie, Daisy.

My bad.

Hopefully, I can go on Tucker Carlson this week and clear everything up.

That's awesome that they're in the same universe, too.

Yeah, that's true.

This is all part of like your Avengers.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's in the same cinematic universe.

Same cinematic universe.

I always did get a kick.

Before The Avengers, I always got a kick at it when, like, a guy from one thing would walk through the other thing.

Yeah.

I mean, I think we've probably talked about it if I had to guess, but when the critic was on The Simpsons, come on.

Nothing better than that as a fucking kid.

You used to have to wait until the end of the credits for that shit.

And

I remember the point where I i got to where it was like no because they used to put bloopers remember that

no really comedy movie i used to oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i would stay through the credits because i'm like oh i can't wait to see how they fuck this right right right i can't wait i want to see the same scene but they say fuck yeah but they messed up they messed up and everyone left yeah you know what because it is awesome to watch those it was so funny when like culture was at the ends of being this like top-down thing that's just distributed to you and you don't get to decide what's good or bad

and you can't things can suck and you just have no choice just to be like i guess i had a good time at biodome yeah

yeah yeah it was definitely better it was way better no i disagree what do you mean i think it was worse no because things could just be bad And then that's just what they were.

I like having options.

No, they were also good things, too.

That's true.

People are still talking about Hamilton.

There's still a debate.

This is something from five years ago.

Yeah, at this point, it's kind of like...

Like, Current Affairs, I think, just published another like.

Well, it's because it just came out on Disney Plus.

Who cares?

It's the same thing.

Yeah, but

there's nothing to talk about.

So anytime there's an opportunity.

There's nothing to talk about?

No, no.

There's not much going on.

Okay, all right.

I mean, we just did 15 minutes on the woman who's pussy is also a diaper.

Yeah, there's tons of things.

I I guess I'm thinking purely in sports because that's the only news that I keep up with.

That's true.

We only have Premier League.

You're right.

The world is literally ending.

The government is fucking up a pandemic.

Florida just had the highest single day in any fucking city in America.

Or any state, yeah.

Yeah, I guess there's stuff to talk about.

I just guess my point was.

The NBA hasn't started yet.

But they're there.

They're in Orlando.

Until we get Bubble Ball.

I can't wait, dude.

I'm going going to take a vow of silence.

Maybe I should go to Disney World.

But there's still

motherfuckers in Disney World.

There's still ads on TV about.

Disney World just opened today.

No.

Did you see that?

It's like yesterday.

Well, I mean, it's open.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Universal Studios, like Florida, there's an ad where they have like the gun taking people's temperatures, and they're like, we're here for you.

Yeah, it's hysterical.

We're waiting for you.

They're all in masks.

It looks fucked up.

It's like, why are these people?

They're all smiling, but their eyes are smiling, but you can't tell.

It

sucks.

And what's crazy is they're doing that, and in the same complex, the NBA is just like behind a wall.

It's fucked up.

Bush Gardens is the one I'd like to.

Yeah, you've mentioned that.

I've never been there.

Yeah.

Is it good?

It's very good.

They have good roller coasters.

It's in Virginia?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do they have bees?

What if you could rent one for the day just with the fellows?

Would you go?

To Bush Gardens?

Yeah.

Yeah, but I would want like hologram people.

Like hologram black family reunions, yeah, oh, all wearing the same team.

Come on, y'all, yeah, just and then I'm waiting in line behind them.

Yep, a hologram child being abused by his parents, yeah, getting

spanked, getting yanked by the wrist, yeah.

A hologram,

a hologram Indian kid on a leash, yeah,

Hispanic family taking turns with a wheelchair to cut the line,

yeah, but yeah, motherfucker, I cannot believe people are going to fucking Disney World.

It's crazy.

Yeah,

patriots, dude.

They are.

Land of the free, home of the brave, for better or for worse.

I saw on Twitter sexual Jumanji was keeping tabs on some people that were live streaming.

And apparently, some bitch was like, literally, had it was coughing

like a fever.

And Disney asked her to go home, and she was like, no.

There was a guy.

She's like, no, I won't go to Disney World.

There was a guy.

Let's not forget the people that built Disney World.

Yeah.

The GIs

fought for our freedom.

And they came back from hell and then they built coasters.

I wish we could have a war with hell.

That would be pretty cool.

That would be

just a fucking hole opened up in the ground.

Against demons.

Demons would fuck us in the ass.

No, but they wouldn't have guns like we have.

They'd be on fire.

How are you going to fight a guy that's on fire?

They'd have talons.

He's already dead.

Yeah.

I don't know.

We would figure out a way.

These demons are like, look,

we're just trying to get to Israel.

We're just trying to go home

today.

And then President Biden's like, you got to die to protect them.

I'm sorry.

Everyone in America needs to fight the demons.

$300 million.

There's nothing I can do about it.

They got me elected.

So I owe it to them.

I made a bad deal, folks.

I'm not a deal maker.

yeah i guess biden's gonna win because he's basically just a republican at this point well he's in hiding he's in hiding i think it's cool if a guy that's in hiding wins i think that's a cool like narrative in terms of narrative i think it works that would piss trump off yeah that's the way you beat him you can't you're not going to beat him face to face no he's going to wreck you if but if a guy that's like like comes out if biden's like i don't feel like debating it would piss trump off oh it would piss me off too i would vote for damn trump man

I need those debates.

Oh, yeah.

I can't wait for the fucking Alzheimer's off.

Fuck, dude.

I really just want to fast forward till NBA basketball is back.

What's the end of the month, right?

Yep.

I think it's like 18 days, 19 days.

So cool.

I've been real depressed the last couple weeks, and I've just been watching movies, but I want to watch basketball.

Dude, I watched straight up, I watched a video, a five-minute-long video of Shea Gilgis Alexander playing his finger rolls playing playing cornhole against Chris Paul.

I just want to see the boys hanging out.

There were some kids play that like broke into the

school.

No, no, no, the school by me, they were playing like half court.

Yeah, and I was just I was like I sat and like watched like teens play fucking basketball for like, you know, I s I paused for like a minute.

It was like nice.

That's that's always I I really always love like when you're at a public court seeing the one old black guy, no matter how trash the game is, sitting there and being like, what they need to do is play zone.

Just take it seriously.

Absolutely.

Oh, it's great.

Absolutely.

Yeah, they're not switching.

Oh, oof, my own.

But anyway.

Damn, now that piss character, I'm jealous of him.

I'd like to piss myself.

Yeah.

I want a diaper.

Should I get a diaper?

What do you think, Nick?

I'm trying to think of something.

I had something I was thinking about, and then I was like, nah, that's not my idea.

My friend just sent me a picture.

He's in

the drive-thru at Wendy's, and there's just a guy who's just standing, ordering from the drive-thru in front of him.

Hell yeah.

He's just respecting it.

I mean, I did that.

I've done that numerous times during this pandemic.

It's pretty really?

Yeah, I just walked through the McDonald's drive-through like four times.

Yeah, there's a guy that's like sagging that rocks, dude.

You know, it was built for the pandemic.

Because you know what you do?

You go, Hi, I'm Steven Crowder, and I identify as a car.

We're here at McDonald's.

Yeah, I identify as a car, and I was wondering if I could order.

He's just smiling to the camera, and they're like, All right, what do you want?

Yeah, you can order.

They're like, wait, so you're the car?

So the car needs food?

Yeah, whatever you want.

Just go.

Okay.

Yeah.

So want do you want gas then just say the trans people should be in jail just say it as an employee at mcdonald's you have to

man i i wonder what guys like that they can't really go out and prank people like they used to be able to too high profile college college campuses are all closed now

you can't really own a like a shaking a lib a shaking scared freshman purple hair girl yeah i would i'm gonna once we're open i'm gonna want to be one of those guys that antagonizes college students.

Get a little film crew going on with the microphone and just a sign that says, I've gotten way more pussy than you.

I'm 35

and I have gotten so much more pussy

than any of you.

Debate me.

Debate me on.

Debate me about not.

What's your body count?

Oh, 23.

Faggots.

Nice try.

Good try, dude.

Yeah.

Ball them up, throw them in the trash.

Yeah, I've been alive twice as long as you.

Yeah.

I've had sex with one more girl.

Yeah, just

yeah.

The beauty of our social experiment is you always just add a number to their number.

And one kid's like, actually, I was lying.

My number was actually 27.

I just said, I'm like, delete the video.

Let's get out of here.

I was like, just cut the tape.

Cut the tape now.

Abandon.

Confiscate the phones.

I was like, two.

I was also lying.

I've never lost a debate to a college kid.

I'll be on my podcast later to discuss the fallout from this event.

It's a three and a half hour long podcast.

Where I logically break down how I won that debate.

It's funny.

I remember doing a podcast one time

and I know

if it existed, it would be online.

But me and Norman went to a guy we were friends with.

He's like, yeah, come to our podcast.

I didn't even know what the fuck a podcast was.

And we get there, and there's like six other guys.

And it's Austin, and these are like old school Austin heads

where

they've just been high since 1993.

Oh, yeah.

And like, just like Gen X or like totally, you know, drink beer, maybe go play disc golf occasionally.

Yeah, hell yeah, dude.

And we sat there and we just like talked.

We hung out and we talked in the microphones.

And

I was just drinking.

And it went on for like six hours.

I was like, dude, what do you guys do?

You just like, somebody left and then another guy came.

I was like, do people listen to this?

And he was like, nah, man, no.

I was like, all right.

They're like, yeah, we actually cut down the best 30 minutes from the six hours that we do.

That was fun.

Those are simple times.

Good times.

Simple times, simple minds.

Oh, dude.

I love to be around simple minds.

What's the deal with that?

This is a band, right?

Simple minds?

No.

Yeah.

And

that just means retarded people.

Yeah, retarded, basically.

Who's in simple minds?

Anybody I know?

You got the hunchback in Notre Dame.

You know, all types of different types of people.

It's that movie Dangerous Minds about retarded people.

Yeah, it's true.

Because when you think outside the box, society doesn't like it.

They should do a stand and deliver thing with just a retarded,

retarded kid.

It's not even a board school.

What's stand and deliver?

It's the same thing as Dangerous Minds, but Danger Minds.

It's one of those Edward James almost.

Yeah, like teacher wants to

inspire kids or whatever.

I started Dangerous Minds recently because I remember.

I was like, oh,

it is so bad.

She teaches them poetry by teaching them Bob Dylan.

They're like, damn, this is kind of cool.

I mean, I love Bob Dylan.

Just Charles S.

Donald.

in front of a classroom of retarded kids being like, Oh, you think the alphabet is stupid?

You're stupid, motherfucker.

Oh, you weren't ready for that.

Well, the world isn't funny.

Just kids crying,

rocking back and forth, holding their hands over their ears, screaming.

He's being berated by Charles S.

Dutton.

Stop screaming.

He's teaching them.

Yeah.

He's teaching retarded kids with tough love how to not be retarded.

That's the only way.

Yeah, he eventually loses his patience and the janitor gets a video of him

through the window and the door just slamming a kid's head on the desk, screaming directly into his ear.

And then the video makes it on the local news and he's suspended for a week.

And then he has to figure out a lesson plan for when he gets back

to inspire them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

To make up for almost killing a kid, giving him brain damage, probably.

He's like, why don't we try this?

Yeah, why don't we try it?

Was it going to make it work?

Like an old TV.

Have you ever seen Happy Days?

You know how Fonzie gets the jukebox to work?

Pop, pop.

A couple pops right to the temple.

Bada bing, bada boom.

You're not retarded anymore.

I should have one night a week where I get high and watch a bad movie.

Yeah, why not?

Although I've been getting too high, I might have to chill.

Yeah, you know what you should do?

Shave my balls?

Yes.

Instead of getting high.

Instead of getting high, you should get high and shave your balls.

And you want to be careful doing that because if you do it the old-fashioned way with a knife

with a steak, which is what I used to do.

Support for XXX is brought to you by Manscaped.

I wonder if they don't like that if we say it as Manscaped.

Manscaped.

Manscaped.

Manscaped.

It makes it sound worse.

Manscaped?

Manscaped.

Offers precision-engineered tools for your family jewels.

Mm-hmm.

Which reminds me of Dead Ringers.

You ever see that movie?

No.

It's pretty cool.

Is it like The Ringer where Johnny Knoxville pretends to be retarded to get into the Olympics?

Yeah,

twin gynecologists that pretend to be retarded to

get into women's pussies.

Have you seen it?

Johnny Knoxville is the dead ringer.

That movie is about.

I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is pretend to be retarded to have sex with a woman.

Can I have some pussy?

Johnny Knoxville?

Just in a cafe.

No costume.

Can I have some of your pussy?

Johnny, is that you?

I'm a big jackass man.

I mean, I guess if you weren't doing the voice.

Yeah, he's just a red lobster.

Menscaped obsesses over their technology developments to provide you with the best tools for your grooming experience.

Yeah, this is actually true.

I did.

Just think about trying to feel bent over.

You know, you have some pussy from you.

He's dressed exactly like he always dresses.

Yeah, I'm jackass.

This is get some retarded pussy.

This is retard trying to get pussy.

Manscaped has completely redesigned the electric trimmer.

The engineering team spent 18 months perfecting the greatest ball hair trimmer ever created.

That's true.

And they just released the new and improved Long Bower 3.0.

Their third generation trimmer features a cutting-edge ceramic blade to reduce manscaping accidents.

Yes, sir.

Millions of balls are about to be nick-free thanks to Manscaped advanced.

I don't like them using my name.

Yeah.

Let's call them wounds.

No.

No.

Wound.

There's a reason why.

Something annoying.

In the battlefield, they're called wounds.

They're called Nicks.

No.

They're called Nicks.

No.

The whole point is to get rid of it.

I'm going to edit it so it sounds like you guys are saying the N-word.

No, you're not.

You're not.

You would never work.

You would never do work.

I would.

I would, and I will.

And I'm editing that part out.

Let me just get this.

Let me get a clean recording of this.

Guys, stop saying the n-word.

All right, let's do a clap

to sync cards.

Manscaping accidents are finally a thing of the past.

When I tell you this is premium, I mean premium.

Wow.

For real?

Yeah.

The battery will last up to 90 minutes, so you can take a longer shave.

I mean, that's.

You want to throw on rush hour two and shave your nuts the whole time?

Right.

Well, good news.

Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth?

A longer shave.

What's up?

You guys going to lunch?

Yeah, no, I'll vacuum up after.

She's got a 90-minute battery.

I just wanted to do my usual Tuesday rush hour two ball shave combo.

Yeah, I always used to pause in the middle to charge it, but not with the fucking long mower 3.0.

After I got cerebral palsy and lost use of my limbs, when I got muscular dystrophy and it started taking hours to shave my penis and balls,

you know how, you know,

look, you're pretending to have MS so that you can get pussy.

But the girl comes over and she's like, aren't you going to shave your balls and penis before we have sex?

And you're thinking, oh, it'll take 10 minutes.

But then you remember.

You have to be.

I already bought the motorized wheelchair.

There's no way I can just zip zip this down.

Yeah, so she has to sit there and watch.

You watch Zoolander while she

while you slowly shave and you're like, any second now.

And she's rubbing herself off.

She's fucking jacking.

I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is take 90 minutes to shave your balls to prove you're retarded to get some pussy.

Thank you for giving me pussy.

Thanks for being so patient while I shave my balls.

thanks for giving me a patient pussy while I shave my balls yeah that's fine John I mean I know who you are man so you can drop this at any moment I'm trying to fuck you because I'm addicted to heroin and I want to fuck a guy from Jackass

yeah yeah I was actually married to Bam Margero

their third generation trimmer features a cutting edge ceramic blade to reduce manscaping accidents manscaping accidents are finally a thing of the past what I like to do is I have a little traffic cone that I put over my penis when I shave my balls.

Isn't that cool?

Nice.

That is a novelty traffic cone.

A penis-sized traffic cone.

Yeah.

That's crazy.

I'm going to get one of those and use that instead of.

So it has a hole at the end.

I'm like, yeah, it's more.

I think it's more neat.

It hurts.

Yeah.

And the piece of the wrong shape.

More neat.

It's kind of slick.

Yeah.

Your dick doesn't touch your pussy, but you bust, and it just dribbles out.

Like a funnel.

I mean, like, it's a traffic cone.

I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is have autism, traffic cone, penis, get a woman pregnant.

They also upgraded to a 7,000 RPM motor with quiet stroke technology.

That's powerful.

And let's not forget about the charging stand.

How could we?

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If you're listening to me speak right now, I want you to experience it firsthand for yourself.

Oh, yeah.

Trim that junk of yours.

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Your balls will thank you.

It's 20% off free shipping with the code ComeTown at manscaped.com.

I'm almost positive that is the code.

It's probably the code.

It's probably Come Town slash Johnny Knoxville Retarded.

Manscaped.com.

And that should be, that should do it.

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Put a traffic cone around your cock.

Should I get some flowers for my apartment?

I was trying to today.

I couldn't find any.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you go to the flower district?

No, no.

I was in Brooklyn, but they didn't have.

You can go all the way down to the fucking flower district, get flowers?

Yeah.

That's an error.

That's a flower.

If you're in the flower district, folks, go see Chris King, the king of plants.

Yeah.

No one can beat his deals in the city.

Yeah, you guys got to start sending me flowers.

Yeah,

Nick wants flowers.

Everybody wants flowers, beats.

Let's get the fellas together, send Nick some flowers.

I'm trying to have the apartment of like a Palm Beach widower.

A widow.

I keep messing those up.

Widowers, right?

No, but I wouldn't.

Yeah, he wants to be the girl.

A widower wouldn't have the.

Yeah, I'm thinking of one person specifically.

I went to the house of a woman whose husband had died?

It was a girl I was dating, and she told me this woman is like my spiritual guide or whatever.

Which

there's an inverse relationship between believing in that shit shit and

your life being good.

And no, and how good the pussy is.

Well,

it's almost

the better the pussy is.

Yeah.

100%.

The worse the brain is.

100%.

Yeah.

The worse the brain.

The better the

better the gash.

Right.

The squish.

So we go to this lady's house.

The trim.

And it's just, it's like, it's sickening.

You know, it's like, there's fucking, there's like throw pillows up to the edge of the couch.

You don't know what you can sit on.

Yeah.

It's set up like a, like a, like a, like a, it's like a staged home from 1991.

Oh, yeah.

You know, like a very much like furniture store vibes.

Yeah.

Like clearance sale furniture store vibes.

There's no room for anything.

It's all just filled with bullshit.

Yeah.

But it was filled with flowers.

And she's giving all this advice the whole time and like spraying fucking essential oils.

Talking about the moon.

And then

she just sort of like casually looks out the window and explains that her husband killed himself.

Hanged himself in the backyard

like six months prior.

Oh, God.

And I'm just sort of like staring through this sliding glass door with like vertical blinds, trying to figure out like,

you know, them just dragging the body through this apartment with like being,

be mindful not to knock over any of the fake Faberge eggs from Jennifer Fabric or whatever.

Jennifer's convertibles or wherever all this shit is from.

God damn.

My man hung himself.

Hanged, yeah.

Jesus.

Yeah, well, my cousin,

yeah, she looked like Ursula.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

Hot,

meaning.

Yeah, just like probably like a $600 haircut to look like just shit.

Just one of those ladies that has to go get her hair done.

Oh, yeah.

As

a 50-year-old woman,

I can't wait to go to the barbershop myself now.

I worked for a lady once.

You should get the Ursula haircut.

Dude, well, first of all, I'm getting a ponytail.

Yeah.

Honestly, you look more Greek with the hair grown out.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

This is a real ball.

I have a real Mediterranean balding pattern.

You look more Mediterranean for sure.

You really should see if you could comb it over.

I could if I wanted to.

I mean, it would take, you'd need to grow it out for another like year and a half.

See, that's why it's going to be shorter than that.

You'd have to moose it up a little bit.

No, I mean, that's, you see me, you react as if I'm disparaging you and not just like making a comment on how long hair takes to grow general.

Mine will be shorter than that.

It'll be faster.

It's like if you were like, I'm going to make a pork shoulder tonight.

And it's like, oh, that'll take like an hour.

And you're like, it'll take five minutes.

No, these things just grow.

First of all, a pork shoulder takes minimum eight hours, minimum three.

If you're cranking it high.

Not me.

You're a hater.

This is how you're acting.

This is what you sound like.

Well, I think my hair will grow faster than that.

Look at the excuse.

Look at the progress I've made in

the volume.

I'm a little bit in the front right now.

You like that?

Yeah, you got a little bit of something.

You got a little bit of height on it.

A little bit of height.

Well, okay, let's say it takes nine months.

Yeah.

I think I could comb it over.

I can't wait, dude.

I can't wait to have the dumbest hair of all time.

Yeah.

Maybe I'll dye it.

It'll be interesting to see how long my beard is when you finally have the comb over.

It's a way we can pass time.

Because people were bitching at me.

They were like, when are you going to just shave your face?

You have to shave your face.

Oh, that's not a way to make you shave.

And I was like, well, I want to get to a year.

And I surpassed that last month.

How long is it going to be now?

Five years.

You have no idea what Nick can do with defiance on his side.

Absolutely.

Do not tell my man what to do.

The kind of effort it will take to just not do something.

Yeah.

The sheer determination I have to abandon a part of personal hygiene and just sort of not think about something.

It is funny.

Yeah, I can't believe it's been a year.

Yeah.

Wild.

I mean, it's not, it doesn't really require,

like,

I like moisturize my face, I guess, because it started to, like, dry out and burn or whatever.

But

it probably does take a little effort at this point you have to oil it right i yeah well i stopped and then it just burns and itches all the time and i'll scratch it and then there'll be like blood on my fingers

so i don't know what's going on under here yeah it's definitely not good a colony of fucking little yeah i think that's

yeah probably a bunch of mites and

i don't care who fuck who cares i'm with you i'm what the fuck who cares i'm done caring dude i don't have health insurance i hit another level of depression where i'm like i can't wait let's let's do it

And it's like every time in my life, I keep learning the lesson of like, maybe I should care.

And then you do, and then you just feel awful.

I feel bad.

The whole world is like, what are you doing?

Stop.

How dare you care about things?

And you're like, good, you're right.

I'm going back to getting fucked up.

Yeah.

And then you stop caring, and it's like, hey,

no, you're fucked.

You're just going to die.

You can't do drugs.

Trying to get some pussies.

Just kill yourself.

Just give up.

Yeah.

There's really no good way to do it.

Good way to what, kill yourself?

No, to just be alive, I guess.

Because, you know, you can become overwhelmed by everything, and then that makes you miserable.

Yeah.

And then you can ignore it all, and then you eventually just get more miserable at the end of that.

There's no right way.

Or you could continue to ignore everything forever.

Yeah, but you can't really forever.

Which is my new tactic?

You're going to smack into a wall eventually.

Yeah.

Probably.

Or I could just find a wife who she does everything.

Honestly, that's really the only solution.

Find the wife, have some children.

At this point, it's the only solution.

Yeah, I really am trying to be one of those dads that just sits in the living room and fucking says nothing.

You know, like

there's kids coming over.

I have no idea who they are.

No interest in learning who they are.

Don't look.

Don't even look.

Yeah.

Just fucking sit there, shoot them a glance if they

take the time facing out the window, pay attention, just not even

don't look at all.

Your dad's weird, you're stealing all the booze.

I don't care,

just don't

care in the slightest,

dude.

I'm just trying to grill all day,

have a family around me.

No, I'm gonna be a stage father, yeah, and make my son try out for every Broadway

musical.

Yes, boy, little Mr.

Little, Mr.

Nevada, boy patch.

Little boy from the little, yeah.

Just for sure.

Try and make your son gay

straight.

I want to have the gayest son in the world.

I'm going to put him in.

We're taking him to ball shows

to make that your goal.

You're going to make your son do drag against his will as a child.

Listen, it's a new fad.

It's coming up.

You've got to go viral.

You've got to go viral.

I saw that was a show on Hulu.

Really?

I was like looking for something on Hulu.

Drag kids is now a show.

Well, some kids are gay as hell from the jump.

I guess this is her Adam's son.

Do you ever see a video?

Somebody took this.

That's it.

Good, right.

Somebody took this.

This girl was on Good Morning America, and somebody slowed it down to half speed and uploaded as drunk dwarf.

And the way it's slowed down is so fucking funny.

Because the response, you know, you're watching the, I don't know,

it's like the

whoever the hosts are watching.

But they're slowed down too, so they're like

blinking all slow.

Drunk dwarf.

Let me see this.

Yeah.

That would be cool to have a gay son.

Oh my god, it'd be so cool.

But you're not going to have one.

No.

matutie.

I'm a so drunk, I'm not snooty.

Smell face and magazines, papers from the Hayden.

TV, cute bag, got my old face past.

Pretty hair, pretty eyes, could you have a scratch type?

Books all tutions, don't drunk, keep it real.

Hello, cutie, cute.

Yeah, that shit used to get me good.

Damn.

Back in the day.

Back in the day.

Hard to believe that was a decade ago.

That was a decade ago?

That came out a decade ago that somebody did that shit.

The slowed down cutie patootie rap.

Yeah.

That used to.

Man, I'm fuck.

I missed.

That was.

That's why the internet, what there was that brief period where the internet got good, but then there was also like a lot of, there was still not a complete relinquishing of control in terms of what we're supposed to consume.

Yeah, yeah.

Where, which, you know, I guess still exists to a certain extent, but you have the option to just not fucking you can just spend all of your time on social media, not consuming anything, and get the fucking Cliff's notes from people who are already mad on your behalf, right?

And, like, you used to at least have to watch the shit, you know what I mean?

Absolutely, and yeah, just smoking weed, watching TV carnage,

getting into arguments on IRC,

loved it, them were the days, they were watching shit like that.

There was that other one, the uh, somebody slowed down the

some video from like a

Olson Twins thing.

You ever see that one?

I've seen that one.

Yeah, the making, what do they order a pizza?

Is that it?

I think it's something about pizza.

Yeah, but slowed down, it just seems like they're fucking high.

It's demented.

Yeah, it's very funny.

Whipped cream floats like waterfalls.

It was nice to see, like, oh, look at how these black people are reacting to a leprechaun being in this community.

One of the best videos of all time.

Look at this woman

falling off an elevated grape-stomping, you know, platform.

That's a great one.

You know?

And that was.

It is funny now, too, to think about like 4chan is just spending all their time trying to figure out which elites are pedophiles.

But you go back 10 years ago and it's just them posting constantly about how they want to fuck an 11-year-old from a TV show.

It's an interesting turn for Fortune.

It went from just a horny posting about Stephanie from Lazy Town

to now being like,

is the guy from the Motel 6 commercials a pedophile?

Is the light, the light he's leaving on, that's the room to fuck kids?

It's a signal.

It's a signal.

Wherever the light is left on, that's where the child pussy is.

Exactly.

I am a gay guy.

My name is Adam.

No, that's not a song.

I'm a gay guy.

My name is Adam.

Getting fucked in my gaping booty.

No,

that's not what she was saying.

There's too much duty in my booty.

Pull it out with your giant dick.

Did you pull it out with your prehensile dick?

You're singing the song wrong, Adam.

That's not how the song goes.

You're ruining good morning, America.

Again,

sing it again.

I just want to go kiss my boyfriend, dad.

My dad did have stage father tendencies.

He's wearing a scarf for those old-timey megaphones.

It's just the cone.

Sing the song, Gaya.

He got mad at me at Dare graduation for telling the sheriff.

He was like, the sheriff was going around asking the kids what they wanted to be.

And I said, I wanted to be a baseball player.

And he was like, that's a ridiculous thing to say.

You're terrible at baseball.

How old were you?

I was in fifth grade.

Yeah.

Damn.

Hats off to the cool kid in every one of those that probably said drug dealer.

To the one kid

who knew how to crush.

I remember Dick

probably did become

a drug dealer.

And died and is memorialized in everyone's mind.

As

I had the funniest friend in high school, yeah, he peaked at 13.

What's something funny that he said?

And then you think about it, and it's like, nah, that's just all racist.

Yeah, he's just called him gay.

It was really funny when he would just absolutely annihilate you in the testicles.

Yeah.

Because I remember in my life, I have like, I have like tree of life memory flashbacks of like kids that were like so funny.

Yeah.

And I remember there was one, I don't even know his name.

I remember there was a kid that was like, could do such a a good impression of somebody with Down syndrome.

And because he kind of looked like he had a Down syndrome.

And he would just do it.

I remember

he did it one time with like a candy bar.

He would do this thing where he would like

struggle to open up a candy bar.

He had a whole candy.

Yeah, he would just

sit there.

He would do it unprovoked.

He'd be sitting there by himself and just go into pretending to be retarded.

Respect.

And you would like just look over and he would be like looking over his glasses,

you know, like

make you sort of cross-eyed right now.

Candy bar, you know, and he'd get his lips going and the tongue sitting out, you know.

And then he would just like look up and be like, Rocky Road, Rocky Road,

breathing like Tony Soprano.

Yeah, he just nailed it, but then it would just be like the subtle things like that.

Rocky Road, Rocky Road.

God damn.

My friend David, who was that kid and he got kicked out of school, he used to force erections during school, like presentations and stuff.

What?

Yeah.

And he'd like to jack himself off.

He'd like flex his boner, like, and like, we'd start laughing because he'd tell us, I'm going to get a boner for this.

The teacher, like, wouldn't realize what was going on.

Because he had

majorly small wood.

Yeah, it was like a fucking sixth grade boner.

That's awesome.

He was amazing, though.

That was an incredible bit.

Did he ever get caught?

Did a teach was the teacher ever like, David, your penis is hard?

He got caught making fun of the retarded kid in gym class a lot.

This kid Albert.

Damn.

What a great name for your retarded son.

Perfect.

Yeah.

We're naming him Winston.

This is my retarded son, Cornelius.

D'Artagnan.

God damn.

Albert.

Shout out to Albert.

Come here, Corny.

Come on, Corny.

Cornboy?

What you doing out there, Cornboy?

Are you fixing stuff?

Albert was non-verbal.

Yeah, basically, he lives in the driveway.

We let him play with distributor caps.

That's Cornelius.

Instead of school, we got him a little tuxedo.

We let him threaten the mailman.

That sits out there threatening the mailman.

Tries to bite the mailman, comes inside, gets us some cold drinks.

You know, just throwing them distributed caps around, threatening the mailman.

That's a life.

That's a life for him.

That's something he can agree with.

And finds it very agreeable in his internal world of deficient cognition.

Keep him chained up next to the dogs.

He's got his own little house out there.

Yeah, he's got a dog.

But it's no, it's nicer than a dog house.

Yeah, it's a

special person house.

But it's nice.

Yeah.

Got a little AC in there for the summertime.

He's got, yeah, he's got some posters up.

Poor Al.

I feel bad for Albert.

Poor Albert.

He couldn't even defend himself.

David, just hard as shit.

Are you sure he was trying to rape him?

No, he would just tell the coach that Albert was high-sticking when we play like floor hockey and stuff.

Not bullying the retarded kid, telling on him.

Albert, stop

snitching on retarded people.

Albert, stop high sticking.

Stop high sticking, Albert.

Coach.

What an ass.

What an asshole.

He was so mean.

Is he still alive?

Yeah, I think he's got a pill problem.

Nice.

Nice.

A lot of kids got pill problems in Greektown.

Couple kids died.

Couple kids just got just kind of

fell into

right where they belonged over in Greek town.

Yeah.

Fuck, I got

my little nuts are quivering.

Joe Liz posted a picture of girl Norman and girl Joe List on FaceApp.

Nice.

Are they cute?

Norman's all right.

I mean, Joe List looks like Joe List.

Kind of mousy looking a little.

Yeah, recently found out what I'd look like as a bitch.

Somebody posted a picture of me as a bitch on the internet.

Let me see.

Now I want to see.

Yeah, I was thought I'd be more attractive, but it turns out I look disgusting.

I'm a disgusting bitch.

I wouldn't fuck me.

Ooh, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, it does look exactly like Joe, but with lipstick on.

Yeah.

Mark looks a little too much like Mark, although I guess I'd let him give me a head.

Yeah.

Now I know how bad all that rape everybody was going to be.

Joe's all right.

Joe's, but he's still a fundamental bitch.

Yeah, I I was a woman for a day, and I got raped.

Just kidding.

Never happened.

I don't believe it ever happens.

It didn't happen to me.

I mean, I was a pretty hot lady.

I mean, it's only happening to the ugly ones.

Asked Joe, I said, Joe, did you get raped?

I can't do Joe.

I never could, but.

I remember when we were really doing Cruising Joe List, I at least put it on the bottom.

Well, that was that one night.

That was such a fun night, dude.

Going up, having one of the worst sets of my life, just putting me up.

Like, I had to go up first on that showcase.

And then I was like, yeah,

there's no way this is going to be good.

The fucking host is like, I think I opened up with, like, would people be mad if I raped Harvey Weinstein?

And it was just nothing.

I was like, I didn't, I want to know.

And then fucking like 10 minutes of getting nothing.

And then, and then just wandering around sexually harassing Jim 2's.

As Joe Louis, as Joe, yeah.

Yeah, I remember that.

I took a bunch of edibles.

Yeah.

Yeah, I went to that ice cream bar, and my fucking hands went dumb.

That's right.

Yeah.

Ice cream with the cookies.

Twos looking cute.

Jimmy.

Jimmy.

Has anybody seen that Jim Toos guy?

Jim Toos.

I was wondering if anybody want to come hang out in the bathroom.

Pretty good festival.

You know, I saw earlier that Jim Toos guys.

Oh, that guy's a cute guy.

He's cute.

Jimmy, Doey, you don't have a girlfriend, do you?

Yeah, we kissed a guy.

Jim, come here, buddy.

We're drinking.

Yeah, we'll try it out.

Just give it a shot.

See if you like it.

Come on.

Yeah, just try it out.

Just give it a shot.

Limp penis out.

Yeah.

I don't know if I'm gay.

I'd consider myself more of a scientist.

Just do bits through gay sex.

What do they call it?

Getting fucked.

Shouldn't it be HIV negative?

You know, they should switch those.

That is true.

Because it's a bad thing.

That is true.

It's a bad thing to have it.

That's true.

So true.

So fucking true.

Either way, that's what I meant when I said I was HIV negative earlier.

It's that I'm riddled with virus

of a negative disposition.

This is just going to turn into Obama.

I'm losing it.

Well, has anybody seen Jim 2's?

Yeah.

Has anybody seen Jim 2s?

I've seen his asshole.

I've heard it's cute.

I'd like to look look at it.

I was telling them.

I'm trying to have gay sex.

Michelle Jews.

Jim can't just be walking through here looking all sexy.

You can't just come in here looking sexy.

You can't just look cute.

You can't look cute.

Love it.

I'm going to have sex with them.

I'm going to pull down my pants and I'm going to put my penis in his F's.

Pretty good.

Pretty good obama.

Yeah.

The problem is I can't do an impression for more than five sentences before it turns into somebody else.

Right.

It's too liquid.

Yeah.

I got something liquid for you, pal.

I'd fuck Jim Toos the first second I got.

Is that the rock?

It is the rock.

Yeah, pretty good.

I'm out here in beautiful Vancouver looking for Jim 2s.

My cute boyfriend, Jim Toos.

Oh, fuck.

Poor Jim Twos.

Yeah, Fast and the Furious Ada.

I came too fast, and I'm furious about it because I'm looking at Jim 2s.

I'm thinking about fucking him eight times.

It's too sexy.

He's too sexy.

Oh, I'm trying to have sex with Jim 2's too.

Where is Jim 2's?

I'm dying, I'm fucking Jim Toos.

I've heard about this Jim Toos guy, yeah.

This is God Jim Tooos, yeah.

He's got one of the sexy

sexiest cars on the Sode Summer.

Oh, fuck.

Salute.

Yeah.

Salute to a beautiful time.

I'd like to transport my cum

into his ass

from my balls all the way into his ass.

God damn.

I'd like to crank two myself, Jim 2.

If I stop beating off the gym 2, I'll die.

Craig 2's.

It's called Crank 3.

Story goes.

They figured out it was.

They figured out they gave me a robot heart.

But now my days

beating up.

No, they didn't say it was specifically the gym twos.

That's just what I like.

That's just a chore somebody.

Just that character.

And he's going on like Twitter and looking up Jim Toos.

He's just jacking off the Jim Toos' head shots.

Now where the hell is Chelio?

Shit, no, don't.

Just give me back my picture of Jim Toos.

Fuck.

That's some good stuff right there, folks.

Check out Jim Toos.

Very funny comedian.

Funny guy.

Yeah.

And sexy.

I wish I could do a Jim Toos impression.

Yeah.

I don't even, I can't even

came up with Cruising Joe.

Oh, yeah, he just happened to be

happened to be the only person there.

Yeah,

Mick walked up to him, and he's like, Who is this?

I was going through, and you're like, Yeah, I want to go have gay sex in the bathroom.

And he's like, Which guy that we know is this?

And he's like, I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, you couldn't perceive the

impression.

He couldn't take the leap.

I was trying to figure out whether it was.

Because it's like List and Norman, you don't really were like, I don't have to change my voice too much to do.

So it's hard to tell whether it's accurate or not.

Right.

You know?

Yeah.

John Hamm's the same thing.

Like, it's just a slightly different register.

Yeah.

And then maybe a bit of a cadence thing.

So it's like hard for me to tell if it even sounds like him.

I feel you on that one.

What did you do with the water?

I poured it into that plan, then I realized that it's going all over the ground now.

Poured it into his ass.

That was my water.

I'll get you more water.

I think it looks good right now, right?

I just gotta piss him.

Well,

anyway, folks, I guess

thanks for listening to the podcast.

Oh, we had an hour already?

Oh, yeah.

We're at an hour.

We're at hour 10.

Oh, damn.

I feel like we just did the read.

Time flies when you talk about having sex with gym dudes.

I guess

if I had like maybe 15 more impressions in my repertoire, it'd be great if I could just be an impressionist and then have a podcast where I just cycle through celebrities wanting to have sex with Jim Toots.

If I could be one of those YouTube guys.

Yeah, a guy that could just, because there's YouTube guys that can do like four

people.

Yes, those videos.

Those are old internet, too.

Yeah.

Well, it's funny because it's like, you know, like you would think that the guys who were best at impressions were like the ones that were famous.

But really, it's like you also have to be a good comedian right that doing impressions like there's a lot of people that can just nail impressions but then they have no ability to write a joke they're not funny no charisma on stage nothing yeah so youtube it was like oh this and i did i ever show you that indian guy i found that does impressions i don't think so it's so funny because it they he's still just an indian guy the video is starting he's like smiling and he's got a whole home recording set up and it's like this is dustin hoffman awesome and he's like

Dustin Hoffman.

How can you be Kramer if I'm Kramer?

If you cannot be Kramer, there cannot be two Kramers that are fighting each other because I just want to have my son.

I do not want to get a divorce.

I want to have my son back.

And if I can get my son, and he thinks impressions are just talking as fast as possible and saying things through the room.

He sounds pretty good to me.

Yeah.

Ah, fuck.

Well, listen, folks.

Do not laugh at my penis.

Do not laugh at my penis.

If you ever laugh at at my penis

you are not allowed to laugh at my penis and that was gene hackman dude this is gene penis

my name is uh computer printer and this is uh gene penis

from the movie enemy of my penis yes

yes sir

you ever see jim toos

you ever see jim toos's ass?

One of the sexiest goddamn asses I've ever seen.

God damn it.

God damn it.

All these guys want to fuck Jim Toos.

If Jim Toos are here right now, I'd fuck him.

How you doing, Coltrane?

How are we doing, Coltrane?

How does he sound?

He's so fucking hard to do.

Gene Hackman is the hardest impression in the fucking world.

It's kind of gruff.

Because it seems like it would be accessible.

He has such a distinct voice, and I don't know what it is about it that makes him so hard to do.

I don't know.

I have no ear or ability to do impressions.

But.

Look, folks, you want me to stop this?

Come dot town and buy shirts.

And listen, watch Stoppy Solves Your Problems on YouTube and stuff.

Fridays at 6 o'clock on Twitch.

Today on Hey Culligan, reverse to reduce.

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