Ep. 215 – The Taste Of my Ass Zero

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This is Bethany Frankl from Just Be with Bethany Frankl.

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Do not take the COVID test, dude.

They are testing for marijuana.

Sure, we found that.

Oh, my God, for real.

The test came back.

G-A-Y.

Yeah, dude.

They're sending, they're putting you on a list of chill people.

Oh, fuck.

The COVID test.

I want them to know that I chill.

Maybe a fun move is you just, um, get, like, white pages and find find, like, con like, heavily conservative areas

and then call people up, like, just any, you know,

shotgun effort.

You record all the phone calls,'cause it would be pretty funny.

Yeah.

For a prank call campaign.

You call up people in a conservative area and then you start saying, like, yes, I'm calling you guys the name of the local hospital.

Calling your COVID test has come back and you are positive for antibodies.

So we just wanted to let you know that we are adding that to the total count of cases.

And

we want to thank you because the president's saying a lot of really dangerous stuff about this disease

because you're going to get a bunch that did not get the test, right?

And then what?

How did it?

That would be fun.

You're one of them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yep.

So, thank you.

Sir, we got your name is a Myers, isn't it?

Right.

Of

court.

That's right.

Yeah.

We have all your DNA.

And now it's being pro that it's proven not to be a hoax.

Hello, sir.

This is the deep state.

We're giving the money.

Now we're giving some of your money to trans.

My name is James Bond.

I'm the deep state.

Good afternoon.

My name is Dr.

Bond.

James Bond.

I'm Jason Bourne.

And I'm Jason Bourne.

And this is a three-way phone call from the hospital

to let you know that you have tested positive for the coronavirus, and we will be using that test to hurt the president.

Have we seen Trump with a mask yet, dude?

No, I'm trying to see him with the bane.

I want to have a bane mask.

He gets a test every day.

Bolsonaro today said that masks are for fags.

He has it, right?

Yeah.

Doesn't he get it?

The coronavirus every week?

His whole country gets it.

He almost dies every week.

That guy's hysterical.

And he like his whole thing is that he's a strong man and he's good at push-ups.

He looks like he sounds like the

makes that sound all the time.

Well, I think that's just Portuguese.

It just sounds like that.

No, Portuguese can be hot.

How about

nair ball sack hair off?

Yeah, there you go.

And you have to get rid of your ball hair.

You nair it off.

It's just him, but without nut hair.

You know that man's got a fucked up bush.

Trump, too, probably.

Similar vein to the prank.

I was looking at real estate.

Obama's got probably tight pubes.

And you can buy a whole town.

There's places in the south where the entire town is for sale.

Where?

In, like, Georgia and shit.

How much?

Like, one and a half million dollars.

What do you get?

Like, a post office?

Yeah, a post office, a fucking.

A saloon?

The whole thing.

Yeah, there's a lot of stuff.

You got a saloon?

Yeah, towns with, like, they got a population of 500.

The town's bankrupt.

And they're like, well, I guess we'll let one man own the entire town.

You can Sim City that shit.

That's all.

Why would you get it?

Do they all have to suck your dick?

Yeah, I'm going to get a little town in Georgia, rename it Slavery Rocks.

And then just drive around in my rusted-out Coupe de Ville with the top sawed off.

Saw it off

in a white seersucker.

How are you doing, boys?

Hot out today, isn't it, Miss Miss Claudia?

There it goes.

See Colonel Mullen.

See, Colonel Mullen.

I'm going to say something, man.

I'm going to say something to him.

No, I don't.

That faggot-ass white boy on the whole damn town.

You can't stop him.

The podcast factory is too powerful.

That little faggot-ass white boy owned every building in this goddamn town.

When podcasts came to this town.

Stay cool out there, fellas.

You just have people yeah you just have uh shirtless people

in infields but on computers editing podcasts right

just that the trunk is ripped off and you're riding back there in a jumper seat facing the facing the other way

eating chicken wings as i drive that coupe de ville around the slavery rocks georgia

you provide everyone with

everyone has job everyone has health insurance you're a good but you just the aesthetic will be slavery.

Yes.

Yeah,

you're like,

it's a great place to work, but there is a catch.

Yeah.

You just look like Colonel Sanders.

I was thinking about it.

They do like jigsaw or Saw 7 or whatever.

And he's like, in front of you is a fucking knife.

You have to put it in your own dick.

It's a this bomb.

It's going to go off.

Unless in front of you is a camera live streaming directly onto Twitter.

If you don't put on this blackface makeup,

you've spent your life canceling people.

Now, you can cancel yourself.

You have to cancel yourself.

Cancel yourself or die.

You have to put on blackface and tag Stacey Abrams.

You have to call.

You have to call Thomas Sewell La Coon.

That dumb bitch from Will and Grace,

Deborah Messing told, I don't remember, she told a black woman that she'll have

Stacey Abrams call her about democracy.

Yeah, I couldn't really fucking rock.

I couldn't

figure out what she said.

Twitter's trending topics thing broke.

It used to work where it'd be like, oh,

Pasta Primavera is trending.

I'll see what this is about.

And you click on it.

It's like, it's the ninth annual Pasta Primavera thing.

And then it's like...

Now it's death hooks.

But you click on pasta prima vera and it's like fuck John Anderson and fuck his pasta prima vera and everyone in that town is racist.

You're like, what happened?

Yeah, and there's no way to get the underlying information.

What is pasta prima vera?

It's the first pasta they ever did.

It's the spring pasta.

Pasta prima vera.

Vera.

Vera means ring.

It's got I think it has cherry tomatoes in it, maybe.

Sounds awesome.

Hold on, let me.

I gotta look this this up.

It's fresh.

Yeah, I feel like

I don't know maybe if the trending topics are tailored for me or my geographically.

Let me see your phone.

Oh, guys kissing.

No.

Guys kissing with their shirts off and their dicks hard.

For some reason, they're not out, but you can tell their heart through their jeans.

No, that's not.

I don't get that.

Why is that every trending topic in your phone?

No, that's not on my trending topic.

Let me check mine.

Girls with big tits, being a cool guy.

How did you get that?

I don't know.

Oh, man.

I guess that's what it is.

Oh, boy.

Mine.

Tactically getting back into Legos as an adult.

I gotta be honest, I'm looking at pasta primavera.

There's a lot of vegetables.

Make your own Reese's PCs at home.

That aren't tainted.

That the government hasn't put fluoride in.

Why is it called pasta primavera?

Oh, it means springtime.

I see.

You were right.

For the best and brightest of spring vegetables.

No thanks.

Pass.

If I'm eating fucking spaghetti, it's with fucking a fuck ton of tomato sauce.

I just cheese.

I just read that Norman Finkelstein tweet again.

Oh, yeah, read it.

I challenged Netflix to explain why they didn't play the tape recording that confirms my wife and daughter were gangbanged by Jeffrey Epstein and the Los Angeles Rams right in front of me while I was wearing my

How is that real?

It's got to be he's trolling, what's his face?

Maybe he's making fun of Dershowitz.

He's making a joke, yeah.

I think.

Yeah, he's got to be.

What the fuck?

What do you mean, you think?

You think he would be seriously using the term gangbang?

He's so autistic that it's.

But if an autistic guy using gangbang signals to me that that joke is a tempting joke, he's got to be, but I don't understand what because it's fucking Dershowitz did tweet something like I challenge Netflix.

Yeah, Yeah, to present like a video of me fucking a child or something, which has never happened and it's never been

on video.

He was like, I hope there's video because it would just be.

Because if there is a video.

Because I would not be in it.

I would not be fucking a child in it.

If you watched the O.J.

Simpson trial, not once was I fucking a child when I was on his television.

I've done video.

I've done video television appearances.

I've done thousands.

Have I ever once been caught having sex with a child?

In my book, The Case for Israel, I never had sex with a child once.

Not once.

God damn.

Dershowitz is like kind of the like that could potentially have just gotten curved by a kid.

Yeah, absolutely.

If somebody's not going to get pussy for a while, a child might have been like, nah,

a child probably should be like, I'm good.

I'm a slave, but oh, God.

That's the kind of energy you have that I can I feel conf confident to turn you down.

People were saying they found Ghylaine Maxwell's Reddit account today.

And I haven't really looked into it too much, but if it is her account, it would be very A, very funny.

And one, because it's like one of the most successful Reddit accounts of all time.

That would be awesome.

She has the most karma?

Yeah.

It was the first account to ever reach a million karma.

She was moderating iHeart Doggos.

Yeah.

She was posting Chunky Boys.

But then they're also like the accounts like a resistance lib.

Oh, fuck yeah.

That would be awesome.

I think people are saying

Andrew's going to be going down.

He's like

the prince?

Yeah, he's top of the list to go down.

Now we'll see what the fuck it means to be a fucking prince, dude.

Yeah.

Because if he can skate on this, then my respect to the crown.

But otherwise, you guys have lost your juice.

Some bitch that was on suits stole your son, and now

you can't even be a pedophile while you're a prince.

What's even the fucking point of royalty?

It's time for that shit to end, anyways.

I mean, they're already having to, like, salute these fucking Wallace and Grommet faggots.

Yeah, don't get me wrong.

It's fucking embarrassing to have a queen.

Yeah, right.

But I'm trying to pay taxes.

How do you have any self-respect as a British person?

You said about royalty.

You have to pay taxes

like an inbred family.

Just getting a s they don't do shit.

That's like we had we did that in America.

They tried to label the Kennedys as royalty, and we said that, nope,

nope, we'll take out that whole thing.

We can't even pop, pop.

Don't even try and get a pilot's license, bitch.

Yeah.

You motherfuckers stay on the ground where we can see you.

Your brother, your son, and your black friend.

We'll kill them.

We'll kill them.

And you know what?

We're going to let your fat brother kill a woman and get away with it just to be funny.

And then when he least expects it, for a laugh, bam!

Brain cancer.

Hit him with the brain cancer gun.

Hit him with the cancer ray.

The second we're about to have Medicare for all.

I said, yeah.

They killed John McCain with the being 90 years old gun.

The Clintons.

They killed him.

They got him with the fucking

87-year-old man gun.

The 87.

Multiple forms of cancer gun.

Yeah, tortured by Vietnamese and survived.

Oh, man.

Yeah dude.

It's so fucking embarrassing.

They should they honestly you could you could be a queen and shit, but they take all your money and you get to live in like a nice apartment.

I guess

don't really matter after all, huh?

What happened?

Nothing.

I'm just going to start saying that after every story or

anything that happens, I'm going to say, well,

looks like black lives don't really matter after all.

They're giving you shit at the post office.

We're post-take.

I don't think that all of the takes have been had, the good and the bad.

Yeah.

And now you could just say anything.

Whatever the fuck you want.

It doesn't need to make any sense at all.

No.

Weiss published something today I saw that was like, could classifying racism as a mental illness help solve the problem?

Awesome.

And it's like, that is

honestly such a even make

basic sense.

That checks out and it not only would work, it would never be abused.

It seems completely legal and smart.

Smart is good for people with mental illness.

It's a great idea

to not even have, but also to say,

to think and to type up.

To think once, to say out loud, to tell a bunch of other people after you've said it once, and then be like, I'm actually going to publish this as a piece.

Yeah, I'm going to put the.

I'm going to go ahead and write.

That's good.

It's good that you did that.

It's not the type of thing you should think once, save, damn, I'm a dumb asshole, and then go back to playing fucking Crash Bandicoot or whatever the fuck you were doing

you guys ever play the Crash Bandicoot the new ones that they put in on PlayStation

you mean the re the just where they dressed up the graphics yeah yeah I got well I I went

when I lived with Amber I got it and Amber and my ex-girlfriend would play it pretty fun but yeah I know I'm not that good at it yeah I'm not good at it either it's for girls it is for girls and they're good at it Christina was good at it crash bandicoots and Spyro were for girls Spyro I fucked with yeah because

I'm not a girl you're a girl yeah that was fun.

I ever tell that story about me and my friend Adam growing, like when we were little kids, growing up, like we'd watch TV, and there would be like commercials, we watched like, you know, cartoons or whatever.

Yeah.

There'd be like commercials for toys.

And if it was ever Barbie or whatever, we would like, you would be like a race to not look at the TV.

You'd be like, you're watching it because you're gay.

Just imagine like you have a kid and they're like five and you just hear like, no, you're a faggot.

I I don't think they understand these concepts.

That's awesome.

Yep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pretty cool.

You're watching the girl crazy.

You're thinking it's about my little pony.

It's for you, faggot.

Now, where the fuck is my Yoohoo?

Where the fuck is my juice?

You fucking homo.

Where's juice?

Tell your bitch mom to get juice.

No, I want my own unopened fucking gummy snacks.

I bet you put you kept those in your fucking ass.

I bet you kept the fruit by the foot out of your ass.

Yeah, I remember him and his brother one time.

They were like, We made you chocolate milk.

And I was like, What's going on here?

Yeah.

And then on their like the front porch of their house, there's a cup that's clearly just been like pissed in.

They're like, We left it out here to keep it warm.

You know, the temperature milk should be warm.

Yeah,

like, right, sure.

We made a kid drink piss that just moved from Israel.

Reparations.

Now, in retrospect, now

that was a political thing that I was doing.

But no, I was just,

he's like, why is it so warm?

He's saying, this drink is warm.

Yeah, we made him drink.

Did he like it?

What did you tell him it was?

We're like, yo, do you want some drink?

I don't know what we told him.

He got pissed.

He pushed me in the pool, my friend's pool.

But yeah.

And then he held you down.

Years later.

Years later,

he was fucking my friend's older sister

and then got cheated on by another kid that just moved from Israel.

Whoa.

And then that girl had a really sad life.

This bitch had a type.

She had a really.

She dated a guy who made her and her sister have threesomps with her.

Oh, what the fuck?

That was really sad.

And she was the first, uh, she she gave me my first suck, actually.

Would she fuck her sister?

Yeah, she would do it for that.

What do you mean, like, you always do this for stories?

Like, yeah, that girl, she was so badly abused.

I also raped her, but I feel bad.

She had sex with everyone.

Yeah.

It's like the same thing with the strip club girl.

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

Where you're like, it was really sad, actually, but everyone would go see her.

We were like, oh, right, right.

You guys forgot about that.

You,

just Adam.

It was just me.

No, it was like 10 boys.

It did feel bad when I got there.

I love it when it's like almost about the rain.

This makes me want to go like on a hike.

Oh, dude, that little pre-rain breeze licking up your nutsack.

There is nothing better than that.

I'd love to be

going for a hike right now.

Yeah.

You know?

You take a break, maybe sit down, eat a cliff bar, some blueberries.

Yeah.

You like Italian sub.

I'll probably put

fries.

I'll probably burn over

35,000 calories walking for 10 minutes.

It's time to have trail.

Endurance athlete.

I need fuel.

I need gorp.

Time to bust out my entire Coleman stove set.

Time to set up camp.

Smoke ribs for nine hours.

My trip to Catoctin State Park, where I've walked 35 feet from my vehicle and now make an entire pasta prima bear.

Fuck pasta Prima Bear.

That's my take.

You ever go there, Kataka?

It's too fresh.

In Maryland?

Yeah.

I've been there.

It's very pretty.

Yeah, it's pretty.

I think I have.

And they got full Ravens there that just hang out.

You ever see them?

What part of Maryland is Kataka?

Like north of Frederick.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I've been there once

when I was at UNBC.

Because Frederick's not too, too far.

State parks are great.

Love them.

Yeah.

National parks, even better.

Yeah, I've never, I don't know if I've ever been to a national park.

We should hit up a national park this summer.

A nationalist park.

A natty park, dude.

Welcome to Yellowstone, Al Hitler.

This is Nationalist Park,

Yellowstone Nationalist Park.

See that elk over there?

I'd kill him if he was a Jewish person.

But he's not, so the animals are hands-off.

Respect nature.

Unless it's Jewish nature.

Unless it's part of Jewish nature.

Oh, yeah, I asked you yesterday.

Any tree with a yarmulke, you can cut it down.

Hold on.

Oh, never mind.

Sorry.

I thought that condor was a black man.

I was about to kill him.

But it's a beautiful part of nature.

Beautiful bird.

No, I don't work here.

Matter of fact, I'm barred from the premises.

In fact, they asked me to leave.

I'm a voice actor for anime.

Been out of work since COVID started.

Here I am at the park.

Here I am.

Just trying to spread racism.

Trying to spread racism.

Jeff, just a regular anime voice.

Spread racism here in Yellowstone.

Yes, sir.

I did accidentally teach myself Japanese,

but I am none too pleased.

I'm what you would call an otaku.

The problem is, is the whole

dubs, not subs movement kind of memed itself into popularity, and now

nobody wants dubbed

anime anymore.

Yes.

I've lost my job because of the internet.

He sounds hot, though.

We should probably suck his cock, wouldn't you say, Adam?

No, I would not.

Fuck.

Almost had you there.

You almost had me there.

As a matter of fact, I would not.

Almost had me.

Had you dude?

had you

walk into my shit.

Going back to that

trying not to do gay shit.

Now, do you think that's the A-Hero Sister's Pussy?

Who?

Oh, in the threesome?

I don't know.

I found out that this happened after

high school.

Mario and Luigi situation.

Yeah.

They didn't fuck Peach.

After high school.

Luigi got his own.

Yeah, but they're siblings.

Right.

Yeah.

Does that describe anyone being being siblings.

Oh,

here's my sister, like,

in the Ouija situation.

And what's the idea of being just mentally ill in a way where you can still function?

So you just say shit like that.

People just let it slide.

People are like, I guess.

Yeah, I guess.

Well, isn't it people who are profoundly autistic can teach themselves how to speak by memorizing Disney movies and shit?

Kind of, yeah.

I don't know if that's even remotely true.

No, I listened to it on, I think,

This American Life.

Wait, wait, don't tell me.

Wait, wait, please suck me.

Yeah.

The quiz show for being gay.

And if you're lucky, that fat guy with a deep voice will be on your voicemail.

Or I don't put a voicemail in your fucking machine.

That shit is so good.

You fucking homo.

Wait, wait, don't tell me.

It's so

fat.

I was like, Philadelphia in a cab, and the cab driver was listening to it.

Oh, God.

I was like, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Aren't you supposed to be a Philadelphia cab driver?

This is so far off base

that I mean, I can't.

I feel like I'm please just drive me to the hospital.

I'm having a stroke.

That doesn't make any sense to me.

That's the equivalent of smelling burnt hair.

Yeah.

Is you're in a cab in Philadelphia and the cab driver's listening to NPR.

Yeah.

Something's wrong cognitively with you.

Well, it would be like if you were in San Francisco and you called a lift and a Prius showed up and there was healing crystals hanging off the fucking like rearview mirror, and then it was like,

oh, a rush limb here.

And then, like, just turning it up.

Like, this, what?

Are you doing research?

Yeah.

Yeah, no, I'm listening to it to make sure that, you know, they don't do anything too gay.

I know where they film it.

Yeah, you got to keep an eye on them.

If they do gay shit, I'm going to go fuck them up.

Got to make sure they're not doing anything gay.

I'm going take a little day trip down to Philly.

I miss Philadelphia.

Why not?

Philly's cute.

It's a nice city.

It's the best city in America.

It's so much closer than I realized.

I don't know why the fuck.

It's so easy to take a day trip.

It's fucking an hour and 10 minutes.

Yep.

I don't know about that.

Traffic depending, yeah.

An hour 10?

Yeah, dude.

You could hit.

Maybe from here.

From here, yeah.

Queens.

If you take fair in 25 minutes.

Yeah.

I got back from Good Good to when I borrowed your car and I covered it.

Oh, middle of the night.

You could definitely.

middle of the night, yeah, for sure.

Yeah, I had to drive back.

I drove back and I split.

I uh

there's a comic who like I'd only met like a couple of times from Jersey who had moved to New York.

And he was like, Yeah, can I y'all get a rod back with you?

And I was like, All right, sure.

And then we just didn't speak the entire

like, Yeah, you can just let me off here.

Respect.

Yeah.

That easily can happen with comics.

You get two of the right comics.

You're definitely one of those guys.

Yeah.

And you can spend a nice amount of time in pure silence.

Yeah.

And not a comfortable silence either.

It was like Fargo, but both of us are the Swedish guy.

Jesus, would it fucking kill you to say something?

Okay.

Two of us can play that game, pal.

You sit here in silence.

R.I.P.

in ever in that and in the sopranos

you just thought that he was dead because you watched him die in a in a tv show yeah and you had to correct yourself before that blew up what do you mean you said all the character dies he does die but i said in that and the soprano you you for a second you thought that steve buscemi was dead i did not think i'm i know exactly that he's alive he was in the king of staten island thank you very much very recently it's crazy that he was watching he went into the towers on 9-11.

Do you know that?

Buscemi?

He was working as a firefighter.

He was like a volunteer firefighter.

I did not know that.

Yeah, dude.

He was like on, because he's a volunteer firefighter.

Oh, he was on one of the trucks that responded.

He rocks, dude.

Of course, that's not true.

It's very funny to say that.

I could totally.

I bought that.

Because he seems like a good guy.

Yeah.

And he lives in Brooklyn, right?

Yeah.

At the same time that he was already the actor Steve Buscemi.

He was

a fireplace.

A volunteer?

Why not?

He's weird.

Yeah.

I saw it when I first moved here.

I got to take a break from shooting.

I got to go respond to 9-11.

I'll be back in

maybe about an hour.

You know what?

A favorite.

I don't know if one of you even told me this.

Yeah.

But

I'm thinking of 9-11 and

they were shooting the Dana Carvey movie where he's a turtle.

Oh, yeah.

At the turtle club scene.

Yes.

Yeah yeah.

The Master of Disguise.

Master of Disguise.

That's a famous story.

That they had to stop production for the 9-11.

It's like a minute break for 9-11.

Yeah.

And then they get right back to it.

Turtle.

Turtle.

They're making one of the worst movies of all.

It's thought of as perhaps the worst.

Yeah.

What's his name?

He's like an Italian guy named like Marcus Disguisi or something.

Oh my God.

That's awesome.

I kind of want to watch it though.

It's funny.

It's because the guys that came out of the best era of SNL went on to like they just they gave him too much rope.

You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah.

And just produced fucking dog shit.

Yeah.

Just do whatever.

You know, it's like, because I remember I used to watch Wayne's World all the time as a kid.

And I don't know if it necessarily holds up or if the jokes were repeated so many times that they don't even register as jokes anymore.

Could be there's a little column A, little column B.

Because like even, it's funny, the line where they see the cop and like, you know, the cop says something to Wayne and he's like, no way.

And the cop goes, way.

Which, like, people have said, like, that's been a way to respond to things

for so long that you forget at a time because of that movie.

It's because of that scene where Way would be like an absurd response to the statement, no way, that people used to make all the time.

It's kind of a Mario and the Luigi situation.

Totally.

I was just going to say classic Mario and Luigi.

Classic, kind of like, also like a baby Bowser-Bowser situation, I would say.

Kind of like a Monty Mole boo.

No, it's not like that.

Oh, okay.

It's like the other two, though.

All right.

What is their relationship?

Who's Monty Mole?

They're both in

Mario Party.

They're co-workers.

Damn, I miss Mario Party.

I gotta be honest.

I think it's fun the three of us playing Mario Party.

I need it to be a little harder.

I mean, it is a game for babies.

I know it's for babies, but I need it to be stepped up just a little bit.

We can play Mario Party 2.

I've got it.

Is it better?

It's more adults.

Mario Party 2 is the best of all.

It's more adult, yeah, for sure.

It's got duels.

Oh, I remember duels.

Duels are tight.

It's for grown-ups.

Oh, is that funny to you, Adam?

Oh, it's serious, bro.

Okay.

It's serious.

All right.

Just wanted to.

No, no, no.

I just wanted to clarify.

I'm just disparaging Mario Party.

No, I'm not disparaging, actually.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh.

I guess we're all having fun at Mario Party's expense right now.

Yeah.

I guess we're just going to laugh at Mario.

Get the fuck out!

Get out of my fucking house!

Good!

Some gets really, you get really pissed playing Mario Party.

Peach, you fucking bitch!

Fucking bitch, you fucking shit.

I've gotten fucked a lot of times on the roll.

I like that you're yeah, you're complaining that it's not hard enough when you would just have temper tantrums repeatedly at 30.

First of all, it's called having a good time.

Yeah, with your boys.

What's the point of gambling if you're not up and down?

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

You need a

thrill of competition.

There's no good without evil.

It's so funny, but I have the same memories of playing the Switch Mario Party as I do that time we went to that, you know, we were in fucking Brisbane or wherever it was.

And what I'm actually remembering having a good time doing is sneaking into my bedroom to take another tramadol every 30 minutes

to do another line of tramadol.

Dude, there was one that we were playing Mario Party.

I swear to God, I think I had like eight or nine 50 milligram pills.

Well, triaminoles don't, they're not that hard.

They don't hit you that hard.

They don't hit you that hard, but that's too much.

Yeah, that's definitely too much.

Yeah.

Yeah, I knew you were high again because you were like, you came up to me in that bar in

Melbourne, and you're like, you're a good guy.

And I was like, oh,

he's using.

Nick's using.

He's doing compliments.

I kept making myself laugh thinking about the guy like everybody talking about they got an iPhone, man.

Oh, yeah, get you some

pussy.

Get you some pussy.

Get you some pussy.

Talking about they got an iPad.

iPhone, iPad.

Why don't you get some computers?

Why don't you get some motherfucking pussy?

I get some pussy.

That's what I get.

PG County open mic

in the best premises in the world.

Why don't you get some pussy?

Nah, I'm talking about getting me some pussy.

Download.

I ain't downloading shit, but no pictures and titties.

I download me some pussy.

That's what I download.

I'm going to download a piece of pussy.

Let me know when you could do that.

Y'all hit up Kinko's.

Going to Kinkos to ask them how to download an app.

Why don't you show me how to download some pussy?

How do I get pussy?

How do I download an app?

How do I?

How much it costs?

How much does it cost?

I got Easy Pass so I can go to the beach, man.

Why don't you pass the pussy over here, man?

That's what I'm saying.

I want Easy Pussy.

Easy PC US.

Man, they got this thing called Easy Pass.

Now I think what if they had a thing called like Easy Pussy?

Where you put it on your car, and the bitch's panties just fall off when you drive by.

That's literally

something that would be that bad.

That's a great bit.

Oh, no.

I love that.

I could write you three hours of those open, Mike.

Circa 2005.

Yeah, Steve.

The panties just fall off.

Fall the fuck off.

You ain't got to touch the horn.

My man go touch the horn and say, hold up.

Pull his hand away.

Watch this.

You just tap on it, man.

It's right up there on the window.

You don't even see it.

easy pussy

that's what i need

talking about easy pass

how you gonna

talk about easy pass

i don't need no damn easy pass

i can pass no problem i need some pussy though me and hampton used to do that he used to be just like driving like open mics or whatever and he had me going one time with like man he's like man how you gonna gonna just, how you gonna just eat a McDonald's?

He's like, you just say anything.

It's literally anything.

How you, they're talking about internet.

What about in a pussy?

How you just gonna

go online?

Man.

When you can't go

on a pussy.

How the fuck are you gonna change all?

How you motherfucking.

I miss it.

Those are the simplest years of my life.

Just do open mics.

Go work as a paralegal during the day.

Not do anything.

I must do an open mics as a teenager.

Because you can still smoke in

Virginia and in D.C.

Really?

Yeah.

My freshman year of college, you could still smoke inside.

Yeah, I used to do DC mics and just chain smoke at bars all night.

Yeah, it's like 16.

Just no questions.

I didn't look old either.

I mean, I looked like a child.

My freshman year in college, I became friends with all these Cuban kids from Miami whose parents were like...

No, you didn't.

They had their parents' black cards and stuff.

You say friends.

I don't think he did.

No, and

we used to go to this club.

They should call them L.

Lion Gonzalez, man.

My man telling lies.

My man came over here on a raft to pretend he had friends from Cuba.

No, no, they were from Miami.

I got Janet Reno on the TV.

Looking like a motherfucking guess who character.

There was a club called Platinum in DC.

And they used to get

no, they used to get bottles

in the white room at Platinum.

That rocks.

Just fucking 18-year-old boys smoking cigarettes while adults were at a club.

Just sitting, not looking at women because they were like too afraid.

Just drinking stoley, yeah, just drinking.

But you had to mix it yourself because that's bottle service.

Yeah, you get a fucking, yeah, you get a carafe of orange juice and cranberry juice and seltzer.

Yeah, which is almost like you're paying to be at your house.

No, we could.

When New York comes back, we should go to One Oak.

No.

We should go to the meat packing district.

I can't, I can't anymore.

They kicked me out for fucking everybody, every girl there.

My friend's ex-girlfriend went to high school with this NBA player, Terry Rozier.

Hell yeah, scary Terry.

I used to beg her when he was playing the Knicks.

I was like, please, can we go to One Oak with Terry Rozier?

Terry cashed the fuck out.

The Hornets fucking paid him big to be just okay.

Yeah.

But salute to him.

He's from Cleveland.

Salute to Cleveland's own.

Scary Terry.

Scary Terry.

He had some big moments.

He busted Eric Bledsoe's ass in the park.

I remember that.

They loved him in Boston.

Yeah, but go chase that bag, Terry.

Is Terry short for anything?

Terrence.

Terrence.

Maybe.

I think it's short for a lot of things.

What else?

Like Richard.

Richard.

What?

Everything is short for Richard.

Terry is not short for Richard.

My name's Richard.

Yeah, Nick.

Nick is short for Richard.

A lot of people know that.

Richard Mullen.

Nichard.

Dude, you gotta name your child Nichard Mullen.

You're like, what?

What?

It's his name.

It's a family name.

It's a family name.

It goes back.

It's a family name.

My name is Nick, and

one of my favorite names was always Richard.

Eldous's name is his mom's name mixed with his grandmother's name.

That's so funny.

I'm not even kidding.

Two girls.

Salute.

Salute to that name.

Doesn't even exist exist in Albania.

I know.

Your friendship is beautiful.

There's like Hispanic ones.

Hispanic L Disas.

The two countries are sworn enemies.

We're the fox and the hound.

You guys are the, you know, yeah, you're Israeli-Palestinian, Albanian freak.

That's right.

That's a beautiful friendship.

Oh, yeah.

I miss LD.

I know.

How the fuck is he going to get a girlfriend not to ask us first?

Should have asked.

Should have asked for permission.

You should have asked the the squad.

All my boys have to ask me for permission to get girlfriends.

I haven't checked in on the open mic scene, but like,

what do you mean?

It hasn't happened.

I know, but I mean, in years, I haven't.

And if Wokeness took away,

like, completely politically incorrect black comedy, then that is the gravest injustice.

We need to do an open letter about that.

That would be like if they just got rid of all of jazz.

Yeah.

one of the only like uniquely american art what was the what was the room on u street karma was it tobacco tobacco i used to go there if i just wanted to be alone shouts out to rollo yeah yeah i loved it there rollo used to that mic was so fun rollo would just do like 40 minutes up top it was hilarious just crushed crushing yeah i remember there's some fat hispanic guy he's like my man looks like a teddy god that's right

my man said he got his jacket on and off one of the the funniest things I've ever heard in my life.

Ooh, my man said he got his jacket on and off.

Roll is so funny.

Yeah, tobaco's good.

Seriously, gay sex is disgusting.

How you going to just get raped to death in a bath, man?

Nah, but for real, gay sex is gross.

It might be the hardest I've ever laughed.

Just him at Wonderland Ball Room.

Was I there too?

In a hipster room.

I think you were there.

I think I was.

The back of the room was dying.

He was just like crushing with, like, ooh, she looked like she got pink areolas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Light-skinned girls, man.

They got damn green palm veins.

And then just suddenly, like, record scratch.

Like, nah.

How are you going to have gay sex, though?

That's disgusting.

He's like, gay sex, man.

That's just disgusting.

Yes.

You're just trying to get raped to death in the bathroom.

Silent.

And it's like, I can only sort of barely see what he's saying.

I don't know what he's saying.

I don't even know.

I think the point is that, like,

to overgeneralize gay sex as being like intentionally high risk on top of just the physical act of gay sex, where it's not just two guys fucking each other, but it has to be like barebacking a stranger.

Yeah, cruising culture.

Right, right, right.

Shouts out to Pacino.

Yeah, Pacino.

Shouts out to Al.

Yeah, he's like, I saw this movie Cruising the other day.

Al Pacino goes into this leather clip.

They putting fists in guys' asses.

Yo, yeah, that movie is so good.

Damn.

Yeah, they got men trying to be women now, man.

It's time for us to have

use all the money to get plastic surgery so we look like different people, and we start over at Open Mics.

And it's just

Marlowe Stanfield style.

Marlowe Stanfield style, man.

Just curb something.

I watched a YouTube compilation of Marlowe Stanfield scenes

the other day.

Sounds awesome.

A lot of good stuff in there.

Yeah, he rocked.

He had no, like, redeeming qualities, though.

He just seemed pure evil.

Yeah, which was pretty fucking tight.

But, like, Stringer and Avon had, like, there were, like,

there was good.

That's the whole thing.

No, they're just the characters introduced in the first season.

Maybe you like them better.

Yeah.

Because they're for them.

So you have, like, an emotional attachment to them.

I guess so.

Stringer.

I mean, at the end, it's like clear.

Everything is the same.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, just because he's at CCBC doesn't mean he's not a fucking sociopath.

Dude, we should go to community college.

For what?

Well, I'm going to go for painting.

Try to cruise in on some art school pussy.

Community college.

Try to get community college pussy.

Just like just like fucking kids that like to draw cars.

Yeah.

Going to community college for art.

just painting tom myers in our class

no matter what the assignment is

i remember when i worked at a community college the vibes of the cafeteria were awesome there was like a fucking there was like a like the nerds that like that set up literally would set up like they would play magic the gathering and sometimes bring computers in and like have land parties in this community college cafeteria just exactly who you're thinking fat fat guy, ponytail, just acne.

Yeah.

Awesome, awesome guys.

Yeah.

Those guys are absolutely wrong.

What happened to those guys?

I mean, I guess you don't know.

Because they were stupid.

Like, they're geeks, not nerds.

Nerds are smart.

They were nerds, but the dumbest people you've ever met in your life.

Yeah, yeah.

Remember, I made friends with those people, and you would think they were smart, and then you find out that no, they're often not nice.

Yeah, no, they're not nice.

They're not nice.

They're smart.

There's an assumption.

There's like that like

80s television movies drilled it into your

popular people are inherently sadistic and evil and that the nerds are like good.

No, popular people are cool.

I mean, it's a mix.

I mean, it has nothing to do with it.

That's all determined by how much money your family has and whether or not you're attractive.

It has nothing to do with

your underlying morality.

Right, right, right.

Or what your vibes are like.

Right.

And oftentimes if you're rich, you're probably more pleasant because your life has been easy as fuck.

You're either like kind of nice or a complete piece of shit.

I feel like that's true.

Yeah, that's true.

I remember like the nerd tale.

We probably talked about this.

Whereas those kids are probably like white trash, but like

dragons.

Wolf t-shirts.

Their dad calls them gay if he's even in the house anymore.

You know what I mean?

They're all wicked.

Some people are just Chinese.

That's so true.

They're born Chinese.

You think it's like a caterpillar type thing, a metamorphosis, but no.

It would be funny if chinese people formed cocoons

and in like middle school they would be like now in in health class they explain like now some of the stud the chinese students will be in cocoons

and they're gonna they're you may go into the locker room and it will be very damp and there is a corner filled with silk where the chinese

students have in entombed themselves in cocoons and it's racist to disturb those cocoons.

And when they come out, they'll be able to bleed acid and chew your skin off.

Oh, them.

And it's racist to not let them do that.

So they would go from Chinese to some kind of super-soul.

Some kind of monster.

Monster soul.

Gotcha.

I see.

They're in their cocoons.

That would be funny.

Fuck you, bitch.

Wait till I go cocoon.

Just you wait, bitch.

I get out cocoon.

Then we'll see.

It's like, yeah, you gotta not fuck with the Asian kids because right around around 12, 13, they set up shop down in the locker room and they all go into their cocoons.

And when they come out,

they can kill you.

They can kill you.

Can they speak English, though?

Like, do they have languages?

They still sound exactly the same.

Yo, who laughed now?

But they're just giant slug monsters with fangs?

Well, they look like that dragon that they make on the street.

Ah, yes.

But over the

fangs.

So they all look like little dragons.

Yeah.

With that, that

fucking that face with the kind of pulled back teeth are out.

The eyes are all bulging.

Very scary.

Yeah, who laughed now?

But they got little whiskers.

Yeah.

I love how they give dragons whiskers.

Because you got a Chinese type of, you got a Chinese type of dragon, and then you have the British type of dragon.

Yeah, how did they both get dragons, you know?

Because they had completely different fucking names and they weren't worth called dragons.

But

when we translated, they're like, we guess we'll call this thing a dragon.

Oh, really?

What were they called?

I mean, they had a name, presumably, some Chinese word.

What about the British people?

They were called dragons.

But the concept of a winged beast that breathes fire.

The Chinese ones don't have wings.

They don't.

Do they fly, though?

Yeah.

No, they don't fly.

They fly through the air.

No, they just sort of snake around the pin.

No.

They fly.

Yeah, they got like 12 guys inside of it.

I've seen the version they do for parade.

I think they fly.

I'm pretty sure.

But in myth, they definitely fly.

You got to.

I'm going to start culturally appropriating the pantomime dragon.

Okay.

I'll let you and see who gets mad.

What's the end game there?

Why?

It's just a social experiment.

I have no idea.

Just for your YouTube channel?

You're going to start doing...

Cultural appropriation and see who gets mad.

You were on what would you do?

I'm John Quiñones, and we brought a Chinese New Year dragon into this restaurant while patriarchy knocking shit over is a full-size one yeah it's just 35 people

and then like people are like what the fuck is going on yeah and then the head guy takes that top and he's like wiping his brow and it's a white man and then he puts it back on and they're zooming in on people just reacting and nobody says anything and he's like can you leave please uh ma'am i'm john quiñones with uh with what would you do how did you feel when you saw that the chinese dragon was actually a bunch of white guys she's like what?

I'm just trying to eat my mashed potatoes.

We're just trying to have mashed potatoes here.

And he's like, okay, ma'am, please leave.

Get the fuck.

Get out.

You're racist.

Get out now.

So you don't condemn this kind of behavior?

Get the fuck out.

You're a little piece of shit.

Ma'am, how did you feel when I had sex with a child in front of you?

Why didn't you stop him?

I'm just trying to eat my mind.

I'm John Kiñonez.

And this is what would you do?

They're upping the ante.

He's doing hate crimes.

He's raping children.

They're calling people beefs.

Yeah, I would love to see a final season of What Would You Do?

that just every single scenario involves the Chinese New Year dragon.

We had a Chinese New Year dragon filled with people with Down syndrome

trying to order spaghetti at a restaurant while our plant yells at them for not being able to read.

Awesome.

That's a good one.

Can I have

biscuiti?

Ah, come on.

You're wasting everybody's time, you retard dragon.

Somebody's like, sir, you leave that dragon alone.

Sir, I'm John Quiñones.

What made you speak out against this man berating the dragon?

I just like they do that, but every single time it's like, can you please leave?

There's too many people here.

I got a piss.

I'll be right back.

Yeah, don't worry about it, man.

Now, shit, now I got a piss.

Do we, we don't have ads, man.

What?

No, nothing.

No.

Isn't it Sunday today?

No, today is the week, Wednesday.

Today's Wednesday?

Yeah.

Damn.

Every fucking day just kind of blends.

I know that, dude.

I had a steak for lunch.

What did you have, Adam?

I had leftover seafood pasta that I made last night.

It was very tasty.

You made it?

Mm-hmm.

Good for you, mate.

Good for fucking you.

Yeah, I had some squid, had some shrimp in it.

God damn it.

Had a red sauce.

Ever since Nick said he had to piss, I have to piss.

Bought some fresh pasta.

Where'd you get it from?

From this Italian place in Red hook

wow yeah you're taking the whip out very autentico yeah i took the whip out you know no um someone picked it up i didn't buy that but who

um two girls did whoa nice two chicks did that's awesome and they were

then they sucked off the whole team

off the whole squad Wait, who's the whole squad?

Why wasn't I here?

Me and the rest of the L.A.

Rams.

Are you fucking...

You know how pissed I would be?

If you're describing a night where two girls brought pasta and fucking seafood and then sucked the whole team off?

Oh, my God.

Can you think of a guy who would enjoy that more than me?

No,

be honest.

I don't know.

You'd get sucked off, and then everyone else would be getting sucked off.

It'd be kind of boring after a while, I feel like.

Yeah, that's tough for the first guy who busts.

How many people are on the team?

That's the problem with running a train.

I imagine.

I'm not interested in running a train.

I've never been part of it, but it's like if you go too early, then it's boring.

If you go too late, you're just jacking off the pussy.

And the pussy's been blown out.

The pussy's been blown out.

You're waiting to go.

It's got to go.

You know how everyone's like...

I don't like waiting in lines to begin with.

Well, you know how everyone's like, they should board the plane back of the plane, starting at the back of the plane.

It makes so much sense.

Right.

In gangbangs, they should fuck in order of whose dick is the biggest, smallest.

Right.

The smallest guy should go first.

The smallest guy gets to go first.

That is the most democratic system.

It's the only way.

It's the only way.

The smallest guy should go first.

And that's a nice little nod to the small dick community because most of life

it's a detriment.

And potentially, small dick guys have always steered clear of gangbangs, and perhaps it's a beautiful experience that they're missing out on.

Totally.

I don't know, as a small dick guy.

As a member of the community.

How many times have you gotten a fucking

paperless post to a gangbang, and then you just look down at your pathetic little fucked up mangled cock, you know, and you're like, I wish.

And you're like, what?

I'm gonna have to get there early, wait in line to get to go first.

Because it's really a bonding experience between men.

It's not so much even about it.

You know, it's about community.

It's about community.

Yeah.

Fuck.

When we were talking about being afraid to do gay stuff as a kid, I remembered when the trailer for the birdcage came.

And there's a scene that they played in the trailer where Nathan Lane's trying to drink out of a glass, but he can't keep his pinky down.

And I didn't know that that was a gay thing to do.

And then I drank out of a cup and my pinky went up.

Uh-oh.

And then I just became terrified the rest of my life.

I thought you were gay.

Yeah, I became terrified.

That you thought you were Nathan Lane.

I want

Italian cheesecake.

What's the difference between Italian cheesecake and regular cheesecake?

It's a little bit more savory.

I could laugh.

That sounds good.

Yeah, it's got kind of a.

Ricotta?

I've only ever had it at Cafe.

It's Trustless?

Cafe Reggio.

Isn't Italian?

Cafe Reggio.

That's where Adam buys his weed.

Yeah, at Reggio.

Fucking smoking Reggie.

I go to Cafe Midzus.

I only smoke heads, dude.

Yeah, I go to Cafe Exotics.

I keep the Cafe Headies.

Drug Talk to a minimum.

Yeah, I agree.

There's feds that listen to this show.

Oh, really?

Dude, I love that.

Suck my dick, Federalist.

I love the

fucking anarchist move on the internet where they think they're all personally under, like, you know,

surveillance.

15 FBI agents.

That's stage three, is you think that the government's trying to kill you.

Yeah, they're like, yeah, this is definitely a psyop violence.

No, maybe they just let you fucking embarrass yourself in front of the national media by trying to set up your own society in front of an old blockbuster.

You think they still had any fucking candy in there?

Blockbuster, I'll give them credit.

They had a lot of candies.

You missed the candies.

They had a good candy selection.

I worked at Blockbuster.

I never, I don't remember it.

Because they had to make, it was kind of the concession model as well.

They're trying to make money on concessions.

Yeah, I mean,

the pits of being fat was like going to Blockbuster, renting a movie, and then getting that candy that was just a spray.

Oh, yeah.

That you would mace the back of your arm.

Remember that spray, bro?

Like a banana?

Yeah.

Honestly, it's like...

As close as you could get to it just being a fucking IV filled with insulin that you put into your arm so you could get the response of

your pancreas shutting down.

They make those for weed now, like THC banana.

It's crazy how little self-control I have.

I had like a birthday cake sitting around for my birthday that never got made.

And I made cupcakes yesterday.

I made 24 cupcakes.

Oh, birthday cake mix.

Yeah.

I made 24 cupcakes, and out of the 24, guess how many I ate in one sitting?

11.

14.

Actually, yes, exactly.

11.

Wow.

So that's why we're such good friends.

And then

guess how long it took to eat the rest of them?

About 12 hours.

So they're already gone.

Three hours.

Three hours.

Yeah.

I underestimated

you.

24 cupcakes.

Shit, I'm about to go buy cake makes and make cake now.

Yeah.

I'm jealous.

That sounds awesome.

No, that was not the moral of the story.

I just reminded Sam of the concept of campaign.

No, to self, eat

I read you loud and clear, Chief.

I had a conversation with my therapist, and he was like,

Are you even enjoying when you go on like a bender?

Shut up!

And no, no, no, no, no, no, be quiet.

No, no, no, no.

He was like,

Zoom.

Oh, Zoom.

This is a while ago.

I do Zoom now, but this is a while ago.

And I was like, you know what, I'm not.

And he was like, and then what I took from that is, you know what?

I'm going to enjoy these fucking benters.

I'm going to have a nice time.

I'm going to stop doing this trying to tell you.

Well, honestly, that is the first step.

It's like, you should figure out, like, because if you can reassociate it with, like,

I shouldn't deprive myself of things that I actually enjoy doing.

Yeah.

Then you can, I feel personally based on nothing and not being an expert in any way, that like you do want to just like reassociate.

Because it's with like drinking, the healthiest thing would probably to be able to establish some degree of moderation and be able to.

The reason moderation doesn't work is if you're like an alcoholic and you like, like, well, I'm going to just have two beers.

It's like you're forcing yourself to only have those two beers and you're like, you hate your, you either hate yourself.

You're not enjoying the two beers or

you're not enjoying it.

It's like,

you, you kind of want to like, if there's a way, we're like, okay, have as many beers as you.

You should be able to get to a place where you're like, you can have as many beers as you want.

And eventually, naturally, you only want two beers.

You know, with the same thing with like binge eating, it's like the healthiest thing would be if you're like, yeah, if I want cupcakes, I can have cupcakes, but then you only have two cupcakes.

Right.

You know, but I'll be having cupcakes.

Which may be impossible, exactly.

You're going to eat the entire box.

Because once it's done, it's out of the way.

It's gone.

It's not,

I don't need to have it hanging over my head.

I don't have this kind of thought process with anything else in my life.

Nope.

It's not work where I'm like, well, if I get it done now, I don't have to worry about it.

I'm not that guy.

But when it comes to consuming something I shouldn't have access to, all I think about.

It's like if I have 24 cupcakes today, then tomorrow I'm going to have zero cupcakes.

Right.

Exactly.

That's the, it's like, oh, I have a lot of ice cream in my house.

I better eat all of it now so that tomorrow I don't eat any ice cream.

Yeah.

That's cocaine logic.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I got to do this whole thing, so tomorrow I can't do it's insane that your brain will do that.

And you listen to your brain.

And I'm like,

that makes sense.

It makes zero sense.

And still, I'm like, you're right.

I should finish Luigi's Mansion.

I should finish it.

The deals you make.

I don't even enjoy it.

No.

You don't enjoy anything.

No.

Joylessly.

In fact, some of my darkest moments were in that same cafeteria that I was telling you where those nerds were, where I'm just like getting in line to get a cheesesteak for lunch.

And I'm like, I don't want this.

It's not even...

After I've eaten it, I've regretted it.

On the way to order it, I'm like, this isn't what I want.

Yeah.

But there's no, I don't know what I do want, so at least we'll do this.

Hmm.

Having said that,

I could go for a fucking mortadella sandwich.

That would be nice.

A nice deli sandwich, Italian deli sandwich.

That would be really good.

There's a really good

Italian butchery in Carroll Gardens.

You should go.

Carroll Gardens, the fuck.

I'm not going to go.

I'm not sure if I go all the way out there.

Paisal.

Butchery shit.

I got butcher shops in Astoria.

Yeah.

But if you're going to nice

Guanciale to make, you know, a good Carbonara.

Motherfucker, there's plenty of Italian shit.

I'm not going to Carol Gardens.

He has that Italian place in the

special place that Jonah told him.

Yeah.

Jonah did not know about that.

Jonah did tell me about Flavor Garden, which Joshua disrespected when I took you to the.

Oh, Flavor Garden was at the beginning.

That was

cheeks.

That's Jonah's favorite place.

Listen.

When I told him that you guys did not appreciate Flavor Garden, he got really upset.

Well, he was like sad.

He should be upset at his own fucking taste buds then.

Dude, the cold noodles at Flavor Garden are.

I'm willing to give it another shot, but you have to admit what an absolute L, unequivocal that visits.

Well, I've redeemed myself with the tacos, I would hope.

The tacos were very good, but they weren't as good as the other thing was disappointing.

Alright, fine.

But the memory of

you, the two of you and Felix being so disappointed, that's a memory we'll have for the rest of our lives.

We will.

We absolutely literally

will never let you forget.

Why did you make a staff?

I don't know why we've ever let you pick the restaurant after that.

Because I know what it was.

What was the next thing that Adam was adamant about?

I know good places.

If I remember correctly,

Norman.

Let me finish.

Because this is a serious issue.

The next place we went to that you suggested was Kleinfelders.

Oh, yeah.

Where the salad was $20?

No, I chose that place because it was next to your

convenience.

The salads were wet?

I didn't choose it.

And you insisted on eating there.

Salads should be in the middle of the week.

I insisted on

to give Adam some credit here.

I was very hungry.

To find a place always.

Yeah.

It is hard to get a consensus.

My batting average is incredibly strong.

Well, now you're crazy.

This is what happens.

You give a moose a muffin.

Yeah, All right.

It's not incredibly strong.

Well, what I'm saying is it's shit, but you've been put in tough positions.

Thank you.

You've set me up to fail plenty of times.

You've been set up to fail.

I know that.

I know the deal.

I know how my bread is buttered.

I watched.

Oh, Nick, I texted you about this.

I watched Talk Radio, the Oliver Stone film last night.

It's pretty good.

About Oliver Stone.

It hits

Bliss.

are you fans you like his movies I like JFK and natural born killers platoon and

yeah his movies are always hit or miss for me Nixon I think is a really just a shitty movie yeah and platoon rocks I don't it's a terrible performance and I don't understand why people like it

especially when you compare it to Secret Honor which is a much fucking better that's Altman right yeah yeah

but this one talk Radio, it hit very close to home, but it was about this shock jock in Dallas who's like about to get syndicated around the country.

It's a Don Imus type?

It's kind of, yeah, kind of like a Don Imus, but like a Jewish version.

Played by Eric Bogozhin, who is

Armenian.

Yeah.

I wish Don Imus was still alive.

I miss him.

I wonder what he'd be saying about all these black lives.

These nappy.

How did Don Imus get it?

He's just a radio guy?

We got a couple from the Jews.

He just wore a cowboy hat.

Wore a cowboy hat.

Was he like an old radio guy?

For some reason, my dad listened to Imus in the car.

He was like, I mean, he was like,

he was like a less popular Stern, basically.

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Anyway, but this guy, it like basically, as a bit, his

ex-wife calls him the show years later.

There's like a flashback, and she's like, you suck, you know?

And then it becomes kind of a meme to hate on him.

And then the audience actually

starts to hate him, and then yeah, and then neo-Nazis start targeting his show, but then he always takes their calls.

And it kind of, you know, it's about

it's about how a fan base could turn toxic,

you know, and how, as a meme, they could pretend to hate you, and right, it can become real

hatred, and then you know, they'll listen to your talk radio show every night.

Wow, sounds ridiculous, like a ridiculous

fantasy to me,

but it is very good.

And I think it's up there for me

with

maybe my favorite Oliver Stone at this point.

Platoon is so good, though.

Platoon is pretty tight.

I stole that from Blockbuster.

Because you know what I found?

JFK is tight.

It makes no sense.

And it's really long, but I enjoy it.

That's my dick.

You just described it.

That it just doesn't make sense.

It makes no sense.

It's really long, and you enjoyed it.

All three of those are key for understanding my penis.

But yeah, that's Adams Movie's picks.

Can I see your penis?

Damn, I need a soundboard just to play that.

Yeah, the stop version, too, with the U singers is very good.

Can I see your pre-nerves?

Yeah, j folks, I don't want to tease anything, but I might be.

Welcome to my house.

There might be, can I see your penis shirts coming soon.

Yeah, I'm tired of Nick making all this t-shirt money.

I love these guys that are wearing these shirts.

Yeah, if you

can wear Nick's retard shirt, you can wear my Can I See Your Penis shirt?

I've got a baby dick, baby, Dick, baby, Dick.

I almost bought a t-shirt from Come Dot Town the other day, but then it hurt my feelings

that I couldn't get one for free.

Chili's baby dick penis, chili's baby dicken.

Marjurka's small, my dick is small.

my dick is small, my dick is small,

my dirk is small, my dick is small.

I thought I was one of

gay.

Oh, it's please give me head,

give me hand,

I'm gay now.

I'm gay, gay, gay, gay.

Yeah, yeah, that's good, right?

What's that song about?

It's about zombies.

Zombies, yeah.

It's about zombies.

Zombies in Ireland.

Irish zombies.

Dude, that's a fucked-up type of zombie, dude.

Yeah.

Irish people

are gay.

Please give it me.

I'm trying to look at some Irish titties with some like

wet rubber.

I like

me some Irish titties.

Some translucent nipples.

I'm in.

I'm in.

Kind of like blends into the

brass.

I'll take that.

Very fair, a fair nipple.

but i want like a bright nipple a quiet place part two is coming out no wow i didn't see the first movie wait dude i mean we've all been waiting for the sequel to a quiet oh this is real it's actually

from the office i thought you had like a bitlock loaded no that's a real movie they're remaking i saw it on a on a serial box the other day

exclusive quiet place part two isn't the whole what's that movie the noise is what makes that the monsters kill you if you make noise yeah but also noise noise kills the monsters.

I didn't see the movie.

I think that's the whole

big trick.

Oh, it's like the twist at the end of signs.

And I'm sorry, I'm usually a guy who hates spoilers, but that movie looks stupid, so

my thoughts are.

It's going to be funny when that movie comes out and I go see it and I genuinely enjoy it.

When I just have a good time and I'm like,

fine.

It's weird that Jim from the office had a career after that show.

I wouldn't have expected that.

Well,

he seems like a guy that's like, has that one character, and then you kind of like that.

No, that's Dwight you're thinking of.

Everything he said about that fucking,

was it Jack Roger?

Jack Richard.

Everything he says about Venezuela is about the CIA is just so funny.

Yeah.

He's like, these people deserve

to come in our mouths.

They deserve us to get on our knees and suck them off at will.

CIA rock.

He's like, yeah, I went out to Langley.

Fucking loser.

I went out to Langley, walked around the field.

Being a fan of the CIA.

That's so one of the worst, gayest things of all time.

God damn, dude.

What a fucking thing.

Every time I see them, I take my index fingers like I'm about to whistle, insert them into my ass, pull it completely wide open.

And like the man that they shove the flag in there.

Do they have like a federal booty inspector version of the CIA T-shirt?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Cocking ass.

That's too simple.

That's too simple.

Cunt Investigating

Association.

Mm-hmm.

Yes, sir.

The Cunt Investigating How much.

Cunt Inspecting Association.

Cunt Inspector.

Cunt L Inspecting.

It should be, of course.

I'm going to make it a Kunt Inspecting Association shirt for myself.

That's all.

Just for yourself.

Just go away.

Yeah, just one.

One of one.

Just go away.

Yeah, just one of those.

Very rare.

Wear that.

Wear a 3XL Cunt Inspecting Association shirt with very short net bathing suit and then flip-flops to the Air and Space Museum.

Walk around leading a giant pretzel pretending to be from the Midwest.

God to peek too, bro.

I think we're done here.

Yeah, we're done.

Yeah.

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