Ep. 212 – Handing It Off

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outcomes.

That's

a great point.

And that's why I'm glad I finally got to come.

I came to come town for the geopolitics.

Y'all, y'all really, y'all really paid attention in social studies class.

Oh, yeah.

That was my best subject for sure.

Come on.

Social studies was my shit.

So I was, I was a fucking, I was a little, I was a little AP history slut.

Ew, yeah, that's nasty.

That's me, dude.

I was a, I used to sell candy for Model UN.

I wasn't in Model UN.

Respect.

You just wanted, you had a couple points on the package?

Yeah, yeah.

Nice.

Then one time I did get robbed.

Niggas took all my candy.

That's fucking hilarious.

Big respect for that.

So what?

Were you faking?

Were you setting up like a fake?

Were you trying to get people that wanted to support the Model UN?

You wanted to divert funds?

I mean, I think I was more trying to divert funds.

I was trying to get some slush money for myself.

I see.

Yes.

You know, but then I ended up getting robbed before I even

had to hit him off.

I had to pay him back for the pack I lost.

Oh, that was always.

I used to love when the was that shit called?

The Wolf something, Wolfsons, or what the fuck was that chocolate?

Oh, yo, y'all had some different shit up there.

But I know what you're talking about.

Just school chocolate.

A little bit just bars and school, school chocolate, the Easter Seals pack of chocolate.

Bro, when I realized that there was no like, there was no like cosmic justice that meant you had to get a dollar every time you took one out.

When I realized I could just eat as many chocolates as I wanted and the pressure would be on my father and my mother to pay the difference, dude, I fucking cranked like, yeah, we might as well be.

I fucking cranked like 11.

Fucking cranked like $11 with the chocolates.

They had a toffee flavor.

Jesus Christ.

Did you ever embezzle from the school, the school, a chocolate fund, Adam?

No.

My mom would just take it to work and then sell all my shit for me.

Just jigging my hands.

Marcarines, chocolates, that kind of shit.

Wow.

Virginia Diner Peanuts?

Any of y'all have Virginia Diner Peanuts?

Nah.

Yeah, that's that South shit.

Yeah, we used to smell.

Never made it with the Mason Dixon.

They had us selling Confederate peanuts, guys.

So I could go on a bandfield trip.

Wow.

Cancel those motherfuckers.

You know what I'm saying?

What were they called?

Confederate what?

It was Virginia Diner Peanuts, but Virginia Diner.

Just having Virginia in the name, that ain't.

Of course.

Where was that school called School of the Burning Cross?

What was it?

They saw Confederate Peanuts.

I went to Evangel.

Where'd you go?

You went to what?

I went to Evangel

Christian Polytechnical.

Very nice.

Urban Goering High.

They changed the name of one of the elementary schools I went to when I was a little kid.

He was like a Confederate.

Pedophile.

Confederate pedophile.

Yeah, Confederate pedophile.

I love that they even continued to name it.

It wasn't even the big guys.

It was like the most minor Confederates of all time got middle schools and shit.

Just like the guy who would like the guy who prepared the whiskey for the fucking yeah he's the one we're gonna jeffers we're gonna stamp him when we uh molding the youth of america you ain't fooling me that's right bearegard pussythin the 42nd we're gonna have we're gonna have beauregard polytechnic institute um anyway folks listen we might as well why don't we just introduce introduce everyone see what's going on look you've been asking for it we heard you

an episode without nick every we can't we can't we can't get enough dms where you're like, I'm tired of hearing about them.

I'm tired.

Time for Adam to shine.

I want to hear Stop do something other than laugh.

Yeah.

And here's a goddamn time.

And it's about them.

We've seized, me and Adam Union.

We actually seized the means of production, and

the labor, the working class, has stolen it from fucking Mr.

I know we make fun of a lot of guys on the Reddit that were like, if in real life Adam knew me, he wouldn't even be friends with Nick Rosov.

You know, there are a lot of those kind of guys.

And it's true.

I probably would be friends with you.

That's true.

Well, okay, that's a little joke.

The reality is, Nick called us, and he had shortness of breath.

He was having trouble.

Yeah, it wasn't.

It seems like he's been talking way too much shit, and he got the damn COVID-19.

So

how awesome would it be if that motherfucker had Corona?

It would be like when he lost all that money in Bitcoin.

Honestly, it would feel just as good.

When I seen him with the tarantula beard, I did begin to wonder.

Oh, no.

That's a brain thing.

That's not a rain.

That's got nothing to do with it.

Okay.

I was like, I thought that was COVID.

He got into Bitcoin when we were in Japan.

We were like on vacation.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot it was Japan.

And he stayed in the Airbnb the first two days to day trade.

And I was like, do you want to to go see some Buddhist temples or something?

He's like, He's like, You guys don't understand money.

He's like, Honestly, you guys.

And then, like, three days later, he's like, I just lost $100,000.

Jesus.

God damn.

I don't think it was that much, but yeah.

Okay, well, listen, he did listen.

Look, you got to spend money to make money.

Michael Douglas.

That's also true.

He was walking around Japan in a fucking double-pleated suit.

Looking like Boiler Room.

That's right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, anyway, yeah.

We prayers up for Nick.

We hope for a quick recovery.

And anyway, in the meantime, here's, it's, you, it's, it's the boy.

It's the fucking.

What's, it's not a classico.

We got, we need it.

We need an you, you and Nick are the dark alliance.

It's a minor classico.

You feel me?

It's like when the classico is in the little, like the uh copa del rey.

It's like this is a twist.

This is like, this is like when Sprite Cranberry.

Oh, Aruba Jam.

That's Aruba Jam.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

This is like the most of the people hate it, but there's a weird minority that they fucking can't get it.

This is, I thought we were going to go on a tour, the three of us,

the Triple XL Boys of Comedy.

The King.

It's still on the board.

And we were going to have a little tiny Bernie Mac in the corner.

Yeah.

I would just be a suit with my eyes poking out of the box.

That's right.

That is true.

We are going to be the Triple XL boys.

Me and Jamel, we've talked about opening up a fats-only consignment store.

We're still building.

It's happening.

And it's about, you know what?

It's about time because Nick has,

this is what's happened about, he's talking about starving yourself.

It's time we made a plus size, a plus size episode.

This is one for the fatties.

This is fun for one.

Yeah.

Yeah, y'all got some thick joints.

Listen, slobs.

About 50% of

50% of our audience are larger women that do enjoy having sex a lot.

Shout out to Libsy.

You got the numbers on that?

You got their numbers?

I was like, I got analytics.

I was surprised.

But big bitches make some.

Yeah.

I love that.

Big booty hose.

That's what the Libsyn printout says.

It has big.

damn.

I wish that were true.

I would love some Tapaduccio right now.

Ooh, Jamel,

has your penis broken quarantine?

Look, man,

as a member of the cab, like, I don't have to answer that question.

That's what I'm a U.S.

senator, dog.

You can't ask me that

on a private podcast.

You want to text it to me?

I want respect, bro.

I think we all look, he pled the fifth.

We all know it.

Yeah, you know, yes.

Come on, man.

Don't press the man.

My lawyer ain't here.

My lawyer told me not to even do the show because this is the last white thing I'm doing.

First of all, I'm not doing no more white shit after this.

Period.

Yeah, well, yeah, that makes sense.

We actually, the last thing I, I've actually been investing my money, and thank God, I bought a lot of bottles of Aunt Jemima pancake mix.

I bought a lot.

I'm stock buying that.

I'm going to go hit up.

I'm going to go hit up the fucking Red States and just make a fucking fortune selling the last remaining racist pancake mix there is.

Go nuts, man.

Get that Wyoming.

Get them Wyoming dollars.

I've been going the other way.

I got Vineyard Vines.

I got the Vineyard Vines next.

Jeez, I'm trying to flip on these niggas.

I'm thinking Vineyard Vines is going to be

the next wave, actually.

You think so?

I knew this kid.

I think they came to the live show, that male model.

The first night I I met him.

That kid's like, the first night I met him, he was like, check out the fucking drip, dog.

I got the fucking Vineyard Vaughn's hat, Vineyard Vaughn's polo.

Oh, yeah.

I remember that shit, though.

Oh, yeah, you were there.

That was in the middle.

I wasn't there.

It was in LA, but y'all told me about it.

You went to a

right.

What was it?

It was like a Saudi Prince-themed party.

I went to Jamel's birthday party to have an evil night.

Yeah.

And it ended up being like the worst kind of evil.

We were.

You know what I'm saying?

of course.

That's what happened when you try and do cocaine off

your own.

I got a text that there was an Arabs and models party in the Hollywood Hills.

That's ridiculous.

I was having a fun time with my friends.

And you left us over be with Arabs and models.

I was at Jamel's birthday, and then I was like talking to LA Comics.

I was like, yes, I agree.

Intersectionality is hilarious.

But I gotta go to this.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

I gotta go to this models and Arabs party in the Hollywood hills.

You shouldn't have had to deal with that.

My bad.

No, I'm just good.

I'll be trying.

Nah, it's true, son.

I'll be on my El Politico, man.

I watched a lot of Madam Secretary, so I'll be trying to

bridge the gaps.

Shmell's been binging the Michelle Obama documentary in quarantine.

Yeah.

He has a notorious RBG

poster in his bedroom.

I'm a Hillary guy.

I'm an RBG guy personally.

You know, I like it when they say

it's like a

Madeline Albright thing.

I'm a Madeline Albright guy.

Hell yeah, dude.

She always looked decrepit.

Was there ever a point in Madeline Albright's life where she was like not even just hot, but just young looking?

No, she probably looked like a...

But she was probably slinging the pussy.

Yeah, that's why she was

Secretary of State.

She was just fucking and sucking all over the globe.

She's sucking right up.

That's what it's about.

You know, she had a very wrinkly pussy, by the way.

If I had to bet my money on anything, it would be an abnormal amount of flaps on Madeline Albright's cheek.

Bill, extra flap.

Everybody got a taste.

That's nasty.

Everybody got Al Gore's got one cheek, one pussy cheek.

Bill Clinton's got the other.

If Al Gore was striking Madeline Albright,

oh man.

Like a VWK.

That feels good, Madeline.

Take it to the balls, you flappy whore.

This is solid.

You rounded it.

It got good.

Thank you.

Thank you, bro.

Shout out to you.

I just want to say the end of that Models and Arabs party is we get to the Hollywood Hills.

It's like 1.45 a.m.

The place is surrounded in Los Angeles Police Department.

Surrounded.

And then we just waited.

We took Ubers, so they dropped us off.

And then we were just waiting outside like a high school party, like waiting for the cops to leave.

And then, like, we saw there were like girls inside, and there, and they were like, Can we just go in?

I

like went up to the door.

It was like this rich dude,

this rich dude paid for security.

And I was like, I was like,

don't lie, it was, don't lie, nigga.

It was Crystalia.

It was

he does have something in common with Arab lords.

You know what I'm saying?

They're They're tasting boots.

How they wear their boots.

He dresses a lot like a bucket.

Yeah.

Like an Iranian man, like an Iranian oil.

He's obsessed with Armani.

Armani Exchange.

Yeah.

Armani Exchange for sure.

It was a lot of Fakuck and Armani Exchange kind of.

Yeah, any dude who wears the see-through tops, you know how their shirts be like, kind of like...

Yes, sheer.

That was my summer uh vision board actually i was gonna go net open shirt wife beater underneath but covet had no

if you started doing like jamaican like gang like

net

single mesh top

yes i want to go slashes in the eyebrow

hair net

yeah i want to go like oh you're all your nets everywhere you're Your mesh.

Net hair.

This nigga like a tuna, dressed like a tuna.

I love that, dude.

Let me get some pussy.

Let me get some pussy.

Just talking about that.

Sean DePaul kind of aesthetic.

Yeah, Ponderina.

Hey, Mr.

DJ.

Anyway, we leave the.

We wait.

Another Uber comes 20 minutes later.

We're waiting.

We're not being let in.

I told the security at the house, the Arab security guys, I was like, I left my inhaler inside, and they were like,

They're like,

I was like, Excuse me,

I was already inside, and my inhalers in there, I could die.

And then, yeah, that's bold of you.

I like that.

That's bold of you to double down on being Jewish and an Arab female.

I was like, I just want to say,

I respect the Emiratis, I respect the Saudi royals.

Please let me in because my inhaler isn't there.

I left it in a girl's pussy.

And wait.

So we leave.

The Uber comes.

It takes forever to get up to the Hollywood Hills.

We get back down to sunset.

It's 2 a.m.

LA fucking sucks.

Every bar closes at 1:30 a.m.

It's like not like New York.

That is weird.

I do find that shit.

We go to bed.

I don't get why, but

so some of the people we were with were like, we go to their apartment and they were like, oh, we might have a bottle of wine at the apartment.

We get there, zero alcohol.

Everyone,

all anyone has is cocaine.

So

just soberly, soberly doing cocaine with 19-year-old male bottles.

He was the 19-year-old, but everyone else was around our edge.

Anyway, 19-year-old male model gets a text, right?

We're soberly doing Coke.

everyone's hitting Jewel so hard, just like

pacing around this one-bedroom apartment.

It's awful.

It's like 4 a.m.

I was like, I would kill someone just for a beer.

I want a beer so bad.

And the male model gets a text.

He's like, Yo, my fucking boy is downtown.

There's a warehouse party.

He's like, after hours, they got drinks there.

And so I was like, let's fucking go.

I gotta, we gotta fucking go.

Yeah, you're, you're gacked.

We gacked up.

I was like, get it.

Let's go.

I get there.

So the Arabs are in the middle.

The Arabs never let us in.

Yeah, first of all.

Please were surrounded by the brain.

He was outside the whole.

We never got in.

We never got in.

So

we get to the warehouse party.

It was me and Brandon Wardell walk in.

They're like,

I had a $100 bill.

They're like, cover is $20.

I was like, I don't give a fuck.

Brandon's like,

can I then?

And I was like, oh, God.

Okay, fine.

Right?

So I pay for Brandon and I.

The rest of the crew we're with are like, we don't have cash.

I was like, I just have to get a drink.

I get into this fucking rave.

It is the scariest place I've been in my entire life.

It's like the Zion rave, but like

from hell.

There was, I remember I walked in, the first person I see was a fucking amputee.

There was a guy missing.

It's the, and I don't know if I was like fucked up.

It seemed like everyone was injured.

It seemed like it was terrifying.

The invalid's ball.

The music was horrific.

And I was like, Brandon, let's go to the bar.

I just need one drink and then we go home.

And Brandon's like, I don't like it.

It's scary.

I am scared.

So we go.

We go to the bar.

You niggas is at Walter Reed Hospital.

It was not even in the same city as me.

Oh, by the way, like, I met, so the night.

Just putting fucking, just putting fucking strobe lights on and stealing all the fucking oxy that

recent war veterans were getting.

Those kind of parties.

Also, I was in the Uber with the male model

and Brandon and one of the person,

my friend, and I was like, so you're butt a boy?

And he's like, fuck no, dude.

I'm not a butt boy.

And I was like, no,

no, you're just a boy.

And he's like, he's like, yeah, dude, like, me and my mom moved here when I was 16 from fucking Phoenix.

So I could be a fucking mom.

You're going to be a model, son.

You know, that woman has just nothing else to do.

Beautiful boy.

You're so gorgeous.

I'm glad I tricked that NBA G League player into nutting inside me so we could have you.

Oh, man.

She's wearing leopard.

It's like a lot of leopards.

She definitely

dresses like she's like 16 still.

And she's like, definitely in love with her son.

I love this.

This kid is my bathing with him.

It's a miracle he's not gay.

This kid, he came to Funny Moms and Stav absolutely destroyed him from the stage.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I did roast him.

He will, again, he will get molested.

Like, I don't want it to happen, but there's a not and there is a,

I would say, 95% chance that some powerful gay man will make him will make the gay, the producer will suck his dick for money.

That's what's going to happen.

Politician, gay.

You know what I'm saying?

He's not that type of kid.

He's a lot of people.

I really fuck with that kid.

He's a cute kid.

He's a cute kid.

But no, he's, he's fun.

I mean, so then I was like, so why do you live in LA and not New York?

Like,

isn't New York better for modeling?

He's like, yeah, dude, like, I got dropped by my New York agent because I took a picture wearing a Make America Great Again hat because I thought it was funny.

And

anyway, we get to this fucking rave.

It's terrifying.

And we go to the bar.

Yeah.

Everyone there is like, it's like, like a like fishnet, like arm sleeve, kind of like that kind of raver.

Like

early 2000s raver culture was like so weird.

Yep.

Guys with Chris Kirpatrick

and Sinkhair.

100%.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was like, yeah.

That guy rocked.

When are we canceling him for having those

stealing just a rhymes?

Yeah.

Your time is coming, Chris.

Walk around with that fucking pineapple triple X sentassion.

You don't think we'll notice?

Oh, nigga.

Y'all hold a side.

You remember when Jeremy Lynn?

Hold up.

He looked so Jeremy Lynn was out the league.

He was out of the league, though.

And remember, he was like crying and he was like, yo, they kicked me out because I'm Asian.

And then the next week he had cornrows.

I was like,

I was like, what shot did you wanna man his way back in?

He was trying to be like,

hello, fellow African-Americans.

Anyway, we get to the bar.

It's these two, like,

maybe in their 50s, like, flannel butch lesbians.

And I'm like, can I have a...

can I get a tequila soda?

And then the woman just looks at me and she's like,

like Charles, like speaking in tongues, like on PCP, kind of like, and I was like, and I was like, tequila soda.

And she's like, we don't have that.

We don't have that.

We don't have that.

I was like, what do you have?

What do you have?

And she's like, she points to this like bottle of brown alcohol.

I was like, two shots of that.

Hell yeah.

And then she's like, and then she looks at me, she goes, $60

for two Carlo Rossi's.

Two Carlo Rossi's.

Mind you.

Two Carlo Rossi's in a fucking

business.

I had a $100 bill.

I paid for Brandon and I to both get in.

Brandon clearly does not have money for the bar.

So I paid $60.

I've spent $100 in about 30 seconds.

And then we take a shot and then we leave and go home.

Yep.

It was

a whole experience called.

a hundred dollars to go to hell

i really thought i really thought that night was going to be the best night ever

keep telling us

turn your life over to christ man i know man dude i know

you could do that

yeah you know what you fucked you know where you up adam is you were looking for alcohol when really you should have been looking for some smoke apes

products i think i think that's what we can drink.

Kaboom, bap, bap.

I think we have a sound effect.

Yeah, hold on a second.

Uh-oh.

Look at that.

Check the board.

Adam, what you need to do is relax right now with some of Cushy Dreams smokable CBD.

Smoke your CBD because you can.

Look, man,

I know there's a lot of people in the world that love the way wheat tastes, but hate getting high.

I think we can all agree that's

you know, you like to smoke big, right?

Look, dude, I don't blow big no more.

I don't do that.

No, no more.

Nah, dude, I'm running for public office.

I'm a Christian comedian.

I don't blow big no more, but I would love an alternative.

I would love to

hit the fruit without my mental getting all scrambled.

Well, how would you like some something that looks like high-quality marijuana, feels like high-quality marijuana, and tastes like high-quality marijuana, Mr.

Johnson?

I mean, the attention to detail is noticeable in every beautiful flavor.

Oh, y'all better be sending me a half pound of this shit for free for even

internet radio show.

Y'all better

fold it up, send it on down.

You're getting a quap, brother.

No, we thought the exposure from being on such a big platform would be enough.

But if you want,

yeah, thanks for the drink tickets, guys.

Of course, dude.

I got to be honest.

I have this.

I, no joke, have.

I literally, I've been smoking so much weed.

I've been getting, I've been getting so fucked up off edibles that I can't even remember a whole

slew of days.

And I literally went to my bodega and bought some like very shitty, dried-out CBD.

I bought a pre-roll and just gave myself a fucking headache.

But when we're talking about

this fucking beautiful new sponsor, Cushy Dreams.

Cushy nightmares, homes.

I was having cushy nightmares over at the bodega, but I got cushy dreams now.

They got smokable CBD motherfucking flour.

Okay, they got the private reserve.

They got the ultra premium.

They got the premium.

You think there's just premium?

No, bitch.

There's also ultra premium.

That's right.

You know what I'm saying?

It's like they got it's nitro, nitrogen sealed nitro.

Oh my god.

They got NOS.

All right.

Yeah, they put a nitrous in that bitch.

Yeah.

If Paul Walker was smoking cushy dreams, he'd still be alive today, bro.

I'll tell you that.

They got pre-rolls.

H pre-rolls a fucking gram, bro.

Okay.

Okay?

Whatever the fuck you want.

They got sativas.

They got indicas.

It does not get you high, but it gives you that body effect, brother.

They got relax, peace, create, hustle.

If you're trying to fucking

flip it.

If you're trying to get some work done.

If you're trying to sell other people drugs while smoking something legal, fucking fire up a pre-roll a hustle.

Okay?

they got dream.

That's my shit.

The nighttime hybrid puts me right there.

Love the hustle, do a little wake and bake, rise and grind.

And you see, like, THC opens up your third eye,

but CBD

is a body thing, so it opens up actually your third eye.

Your heart

so

actually,

you get a third hole in between your dick and your asshole.

Exactly.

A hole that if you get fucked there, you're not gay.

It's a loophole.

That's not gay.

That's a loophole.

You got to smoke enough CBD to have

a mythical pussy, a straight pussy.

Wow.

And that's how you're getting fucked.

What a strange angle to get fucked at, but

it makes sense to me.

And it hits you right in the back of the ball, so it feels great.

It hits the back

ball.

The back ball.

Penetrate your back balls.

Did this company write back balls for y'all in the copy?

We're trying to make money right.

Can you please do it?

All of this is in the copy.

And if you're a woman,

there's an even smaller pussy inside your pussy that you get.

So that's great.

If you have a guy with a business, I was working at a summer camp once.

And one of the other counselors looked in the campers' confidential medical records.

Apparently, one of the campers,

apparently, one of the campers had three pussies.

Not lying.

I'm not making this up.

Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit.

You know what I'm saying?

That's how Catholic style pussy.

Yep, one for your husband.

One for, yeah, you should.

That's got to be come in handy.

You save one pussy for your husband.

That's the husband hole.

You know what I mean?

You got one pussy for the weekends.

You know what I'm saying?

Wait, there's an episode of Tyra Banks when she had a talk show.

Do you remember remember that?

So she had a woman on who had multiple pussies.

And then a bunch of people rode in.

And then the next episode, I'm butchering what the opening line was, but it was

before you, 10 women on stage and 30 vaginas.

What a dream.

Set me loose, bro.

I thought you were about to say.

She put on a third.

I thought you were about to say she put on a three-pussy suit.

Like, remember, she had the fat suit.

She went around town with a

hidden camera while she was.

Social experiment.

See how people treat me when they find out I have three pussies.

Three pussies.

I have three pussies.

She's just at a subway ordering a sandwich.

She's like, I have three pussies, by the way.

Anyway, listen,

if you're ever in that position and you find yourself in a room with 10 women with 30 pussies, what you're going to want to do is smoke a whole fucking eighth, a whole 3.5 grams of cushy dreams, create the sativa dominant daytime.

You can have a CBD or the hustle or the energy.

Yeah, that's right.

That's they got hydrogen.

The couch CBD.

You can have an in-the-couch CBD.

So smoke that hustle, fuck with your one penis, fuck all 30 of those pussies, and open up your own

little ball pussy.

Open up your third hole.

Open up your little ball pussy and get it fucked big time.

When are they going to do a CPD for PCP?

I want to smoke dust, but it only makes me feel like I'm strong.

That's right.

You don't think that the devil is trying to kill you, but you just kill you.

Kill you.

I'm just

lift cars.

I love that.

And from what I understand, our friends over at Cushy Dreams are working on that right now.

But for the time being, what you're going to want to do is go to cushydreams.com.

That's K-U-S-H-Y Dreams with the K, Cushy Dreams.

And at checkout, you're going to to use promo code Come Town for 20% off your first order.

I can't believe you niggas got promo codes.

Oh, we got multiple codes.

You know what I'm saying?

Smoke your CBD.

Smoke your CBD because you can.

Okay?

So I'm with you, though, Jamil.

I think you're in a really good point.

I think you're making a really good point about

we need CBD for fucking for all kinds of drugs.

Yeah.

You know, CBD for PC, CBD for Sherm.

I want

some, I want some

spice spice CBD

oh man

some spice PD

yeah I love that that's that's a great idea Adam

damn three pussies

one of the key

I feel I mean that's fucked up to know

that's all that you're on your Dahlia shit knowing listen I did not hack into the medical records I was just told and it wasn't a hack i think they just read some binder

damn what happened to Chris Dahlia?

I'm offline these days.

He's a bunch of like.

Oh, hell yeah.

He was sneaking some fucking little

teen bitches in the club or something.

Yeah, he was Snapchatting 17-year-olds and being like, can I see your pussy?

Shit like that.

What the fuck, man?

That's my Dahlia impression.

It's not my.

Wasn't bad.

Thank you.

Yeah.

There's also, he also, it's really funny because there was like a clip people fucking circulated where he was like, yeah, dude, Hollywood, there's a big secret pedophile ring where every all the producers are passing around kids.

Yeah, for sure, dude.

Oh, wait, he was a denier?

Oh, come on, bro.

Just don't speak on it.

Why would you say that if you fuck kids?

Oh, no.

Yeah.

yeah,

but so since you moved out to LA, you've uh encountered any uh pedophile rings, Jamel

fuck me, nigga.

You know, I don't go outside, man.

No, nothing

have you ever been propositioned for sex in the entertainment industry

once, but Jamel, you ever get casting couched?

No, I had two couches in my apartment, though.

That was as close as I got to that.

Nobody trying to fuck me, man.

I think me and Adam crashed.

I slept on that double couch situation.

We had a little sleepover.

That was fun.

There's got to be people that are out there fucking sucking and fucking the plus-size boys.

I mean, trying to get casting cash.

For sure.

But I was, you know, look, dude,

I don't even want to be successful.

I'm trying to stay below the poverty line and, you know, I mean, just fucking get these little comedy dynamics credits, pay my life bills,

of course, brother.

That would be great if there was like Brian Singer pool party, but it was only for big boys,

just like, yeah, that'd be awesome.

I'm in there, dude.

Just boys, just wearing speedos.

That would be fun, yeah, dude.

Oh, gold Speedos, yeah.

I'm in James Corden.

James Cordo, come on, James Corden.

Come on.

James Corden's.

Not only have you got four sex drinks.

Yeah.

You have to change into his drawers when you get there.

Yep.

That would be great.

Today we're going to be doing Gloria Karaoke.

Yeah.

Where you put people your digital.

James Corden's just waiting outside high schools, like getting boys to carpool karaoke in his car with him.

He's checking out the JV football teams.

seeing seeing which D linemen get cut from JV when they're at their most vulnerable

nose tackle would you like to come in and have a an ice cream cone in mind my escalate

you know the megos was sitting here just the other day

oh dude I'm pretty sure James Gordon is smooth down south

if he had if he had any version of Jenna Taley he would have he would have caught the case by now.

Nah, y'all got my man Cordon fucked up.

Wait, you're a Cordon apologist?

L.A.

is so political, Jamel.

You can't talk shit on Jane.

I got my man fucked up.

We on the same intermural basketball team.

You hoop with Corden?

I hoop with Cordon, so back off.

I'm trying to do, well, once stand-up's over now, so who cares?

Yeah, I know.

What?

We'll be back in 2022.

It's not happening, bro.

Nah, I'm a performance.

Nothing but podcasts.

I'm going to buy an oxygen tent.

They're going to let me in.

You're going to do it from like a Hyper Barry, like Michael Jackson chamber?

That'd be so sick.

At lyric hyperbole.

If we all become bubble boys,

that's not a bad idea.

We could easily be bubble.

Wait, this is crazy.

Holy shit, guys.

Nick is calling into the show.

Is he?

Yeah.

Yeah, he is.

Nick, what's going on, man?

Do you have anything you want to tell the people?

I'm a gay man.

Oh, okay.

Really?

You're a gay man.

Well, I think that's really nice of you to finally admit that.

Which is fine.

Like, I agree with that.

I know.

It's good that you agree.

That's what I'm saying.

Hey, real quick, how many inches is your penis?

Zero.

Really?

Can you repeat that?

Your penis is how many inches?

Zero.

But that doesn't account for millimeters, though.

He has a dick, though.

Oh.

Can you answer?

Does that account for millimeters, Nick?

Nah.

Oh,

you do have a dick.

But it is zero inches.

Zero.

Okay, cool.

That's what I thought.

Real quick,

what's your favorite thing to download off of the internet?

Child porn ivory.

Really?

Man.

Where is Splitsid?

Yo, get Split Cider on the phone.

Somebody, hold up.

Are you?

I'm calling him.

Yeah,

we got to get some guy that did three open mics to write a profile of Nick's child pornography habit.

Dude,

I think it's wrong for a man to have sex with children.

Actually, completely disagreeable.

Wow, that's, dude,

you're honestly, this is pretty fucked up.

Your opinions are pretty fucked up right now.

Do you have anything else you want to admit to the people?

I murdered 37 infants to make fried calamari out of their cocks.

Okay, that's pretty gross.

You needed all of them.

Why?

Why the odd number?

What a weird diet.

That's fucking wild.

Do you have any other favorite foods?

Baked beans with little pieces of child pornography.

You can get it.

He's chopping up VHS tapes and putting it in his beans.

That's, you know what?

Wow.

That's fucking weird.

I'm glad that he's,

you know, feeling better at least.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Are you feeling better, Nick?

Tell me.

Yeah, dude.

Okay.

Good animal.

I'm happy for you.

Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Nah.

Oh, okay.

Just had to check.

Never.

You've never had sex with a woman.

Nah.

Okay.

Just for the record.

But a guy?

Tommy.

Yeah, dude.

Okay.

Nice.

Well, thanks for calling in, dude.

Are there any final things you'd like to confess to?

Even the things I love, like being gay.

He loves being gay.

He's gay and a pedophile.

Tom.

Oh, I guess that's true.

So you're gay and a pedophile.

Tommy, dude.

Interesting.

Interesting.

Okay, again, any last confessions?

You know what?

And I've said this before, and everyone thinks I'm joking, but I'm a gay man.

Ah, okay.

Very interesting.

Triple down.

And it's Pride Month, right?

So.

Hey, right on time.

Tom.

WNBA season right around the corner.

That is so true.

But you

so coronavirus is real.

Which is fine.

Like, I agree with that.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Well, I guess he's changing his tune.

Anyway, always good to hear from you, Nick.

And I guess you're going to go back to what do you, what are you going to be watching at home?

Child pornography.

Uh-huh, interesting.

Okay.

We're good to hear from Nick.

I hope he's doing okay.

He sounded all right.

Fuck, Fuck, man.

I've been watching a lot of Sopranos.

It's so awesome.

It's the best.

That shows, honestly, as a fat, it's the best for a lot of people, but as a fat, watching a fat man get pussy and

act erratically and eat delicious Italian meats.

There's not a better show made for me.

I don't know.

It's definitely what it's all about.

It's what it's all about, brother.

What I don't understand is I feel like black guys and Italian guys and fat guys, I feel like we all have the same goals in life, but there's this like divide.

I don't get it.

All we want to do is,

you know what I'm saying?

Touch an ass.

And that's what racism

separates those people from one another.

That's so true.

And we have to stop it.

We got to be careful.

And Aunt Jamama is the first step.

We got to get it.

We got, who's going to be the new Maple Searblady?

It should be a Canadian lady with big fat tits, if you ask me.

I mean, just they should just make Miss Butterworth that they should just give her ass shots.

I think

that's a good option.

So stay with Miss Butterworth, but update it a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, give her the ass shots.

Bring the tits.

You know what I'm saying?

Put her in some fashion Nova and

let's get to it.

Yes, absolutely.

Yeah, start paying people for their work.

Get Cardi B to be Miss fucking Butterworth.

I love that.

Yeah, you got to make Miss Butterworth half Latina at a minimum.

What about the Cream of wheat guy?

He's out too, right?

That guy.

Oh, he should have been out.

What the fuck was that?

I don't even fuck with rice because of that nigga, dude.

I haven't had rice in months.

Uncle Ben was definitely like a Sam Jackson in

what do you call it?

In Django, Django.

He's definitely incredibly loyal to his master.

Yeah.

He's got to go.

What about Count Chocolate?

Is he Transylvanian?

Is he black?

Don't, don't.

He's Transylvanian.

Don't insult me.

You don't claim Count Chocolate?

Hell no.

You don't fuck with me for a fucking second.

Nah, dog.

Amen.

Frankenberry, little

bitch-ass.

Fuck no.

Yeah.

Frankenberry's are good, though.

What are your go-to cereals, bro?

Come on, you know, it's very berry kicks.

We talked about this.

Very berry kick.

Off rips.

And then,

like, I'm a CTC.

You know, I'm a simple man.

Yeah.

I'm feeling.

I've been on a real fucking,

I've just been eating chips, dude.

I've been in a chip zone.

I'm about to get back into cereal.

I'm fat boy relapsing hard.

I was big on them, the Himalayan, the pink salt chattel joints.

Yeah.

Those are, those are a problem.

Yeah, once I, when I found out salt was pink, I thought, and I got it, I was like, I'm so fancy right now.

This is incredibly fancy.

They did it's it's got pussy juice in it.

That's why the color, that's why it looked like that.

That's the only that's the only kind of salt I eat now, because it's pussy.

I love pussy-fied salt.

Yeah,

essence.

It's the same way they flavor LaCroix.

It's pussy essence.

Yeah.

Dude, I took a fucking blue chew the other day just out of

it.

On some field of dream shit.

To play catch with your ghost dad.

This nigga ate a Bluetooth and then started an Adult Friend Finder account.

He's like, today's the day.

Oh, yeah.

Today's the day.

Oh, baby.

I can't wait.

Were you ever on Adult Friend Finder, Jamal?

Nah, but I did one time.

You know how the pop-up ads would come up?

There was a girl I saw on the Adult Friend Finder ad that had sucked me off before.

Wow.

Are you serious?

I swear to God.

That's huge.

And that's, how do they get there?

I had no idea.

That was the day I found out that the internet was not on our side, nigga.

That's when I knew they was.

All that fucking...

That fucking...

What was that nigga who ran to Russia?

That fucking internet.

Snowden.

Yeah, that's I was on my Snowden from that moment on.

I was like, nah, how is this bitch in my house on my computer screen?

Wow.

I did not like it.

Dude, Facebook, I popped onto Facebook for the first time in a while, and it recommended me, like, there's some comics, obviously, but then, like,

because I have a ton of friends in common, but then it recommended me a bunch of girls that I fucked and I have no contact info for.

How the fuck do they know?

know?

I'm telling you, dog, it is not good, man.

We gotta fucking, we gotta start farming, man.

We gotta get off, man.

We gotta get off.

We gotta go agrarian.

Yeah, man.

Have you ever looked at like your

parents' Facebook feed?

I was like, looking, I think my dad left his on the computer.

I was like scrolling through, seeing what old people say on Facebook.

Insane.

Because, like, they're using it way wrong.

No, they're like still using like 2010 internet where like people are starting beef, like personal beefs in public.

There's like

it's not like at this point, internet for us is like we got to take down systematic oppression.

You know, it's like big concepts.

There's like calling out fake people in their lives.

But these are like adults.

You know?

Yeah.

These are grown.

I know that.

Yeah.

And you know like how they have like they instead of typing out a status, they have it like on a background with like confetti on the back.

And like this one chick, I was like, just

Deborah, I know you showed my Jeffrey your pussy in the save a lot parking lot.

There was this

lady.

It was just like, since my surgery, since my surgery, the pain has been intolerable.

And it's just like with a birthday cake in the background.

Yo, no.

Dude, Facebook is like, it is what?

I kind of want to go back on Facebook.

I don't have it on my phone.

I've like haven't checked it in years.

I think the best genre of that is

like the divorce of an AAU basketball coach.

Just mad at women.

You know what I mean?

I don't know.

Yeah, just like

talking about like,

how can I describe it to you?

I think.

Tell me

what are the beefs with the divorcee, dude?

Well, you know, just like putting rumors to rest that they didn't fuck any of the kids on the team.

Stuff like that.

And if they did,

he's of age now, and it's none of y'all business.

Damn.

Were there any groomers in your community?

I knew that.

Had to be.

Had to be.

But I never, I was never, I like,

I wasn't close enough to see them signs.

Actually, you know what?

I take that back.

There was this track coach.

There was a.

A track coach.

I knew a track coach did the same shit.

There was a track coach.

This motherfucker had like an alert on his phone every time a girl turned 18.

That's nuts.

Yeah, one of the

gym teacher at the white high school I went to, because I went to a black one, I went to a white one, and the gym teacher, the white one, he was always happening at the white high school.

Extra on the bitches.

Yo, white things are bad.

Y'all don't live right.

Y'all are pure.

To be fair, my high school was mostly black, and you know, the people involved in this grooming ring were black people.

It happens.

Hey, look.

Sorry.

I saw our R.

Kelly.

I I know.

I know how R.

Kelly.

Sweatpants.

You know, there's bad in all types of places.

We had a gym coach

who had a teacher's aide who was

insanely hot.

And then, like, one day I got to school and the news was out in front.

And then,

and then, yeah, he was fired.

And then we all loved him because we thought he was a legend.

And that, you know, we were like, damn, that girl's so hot.

He's so cool.

And

court cases are technically legends.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Court documents.

Everyone was like, bring him back.

He rocked.

And then we had this other gym coach who took over the rest of the year, who, for some reason, I don't know if it was a rumor that a kid started, but that he had people said that he had testicular cancer.

He only had one testicle.

So we just completely roast him the rest of the year.

I don't even know if it was true.

Yeah, hell yeah.

I was about to say,

I like the idea of everybody being like, bring back Mr.

Johnson.

He got pussy.

That guy wrong.

Bring him back.

We love Mr.

Johnson.

He was cool when he got pussy.

We love that guy.

That guy was fire.

That's what I want to have.

I lost my helmet.

Oh, yeah.

That was too much.

That was too much.

This is the police.

You're gay.

Pull over.

You're digging small.

Pull over.

This is the police.

You're gay.

Come on, dude.

That's not cool nowadays to do police voice.

Dude, come on, dude.

I ran away from the computer.

I just got scared.

It's satisfactory.

No,

what about the police be mad about their egg McMuffin?

Wait, didn't the cops.

Yo, what that?

Pull over.

My McDonald's McMuffin didn't come out on time.

But also,

you have diarrhea.

There's shit coming out of my pussy somehow.

This is the police.

There's shit in my pussy.

Yeah, well, that's satire.

That is mad TV level satire.

I had fun that time.

That was fun.

You guys think.

Talk about best interaction with the police.

Here's a question.

You guys think that with the rise of the protest movement that we're going to have a return of mid-90s conscious hip-hop?

Yes.

I certainly hope so.

Yes.

We're weeks away from Lil Pump and

dirk and trippy red doing their version of self-destruction

i want i want some completely leaned out rap yeah that's it is gonna be funny to hear rappers be like hey the cops is treating us like bullshit and i am also on liquid heroin

like niggas who can't help but mention that they're high in their social justice raps

i can't wait i can't wait six nine needs to stop

it more on what's happening.

So sad.

Oh, yeah.

So sad.

Listen,

you're a Mexican-American that uses the N-word no one seems to bat an eye.

Truly.

He's got the range.

Yeah.

I'm sure the first time he pulled that off in high school, he felt like.

6ix-9 was my friend Brian's Bodega boy.

When he was like 13, he used to work.

Yeah, he used to work night shift at my friend's bodega.

And apparently he just made his own clothes.

And they were like, he'd wear like shirts that said AIDS gang on it.

He was always

wild.

He was an irony guy.

Yeah, he's an irony guy.

He kind of is.

There's a big something awful guy.

Yeah,

he's an eight-chatter.

On Twitter, his name is the N-word Sayer.

That's what he's one of those guys.

You know, I think you're right.

Mid-90s, conscious hip-hop is coming back, but also shaving your penis.

That is definitely on the way back.

Because as much as

a demand for an end to police brutality, people are also demanding a shaving solution that doesn't nick the testicles.

Y'all gonna put those together, huh?

Jamel, I believe you said this to us.

You know what?

Conventional razor.

You said this to us before we started recording.

I'm quoting you.

Conventional.

Yeah, I remember.

conventional razors brutalized my balls the way the police brutalized the actors.

I was speaking to my friends.

Listen, now it's on the record.

Speaking to my friends, now it's on the record.

I asked you if the Zoom was recording, you said no.

Now it's on.

Now we're live.

The good news is, Manscaped, which I got right here, which I shaved my balls with.

This is the abolish the police of shaving your nuts.

Okay?

This isn't reforming.

This is not reform the police.

This is defund them.

All All right.

It leaves your nuts smooth.

All right.

Shave your nuts and abolish

cubes and the police.

With the lower 3.0.

This is the last white.

Jamel, you said we could say all this stuff.

I cannot, I will repeat it again.

Manscaping accidents are finally a thing of the past,

folks.

Okay?

When I'm telling you premium, this motherfucker, we mean premium.

We got the quiet stroke technology, okay?

Which is how I fuck, by the way.

I kind of, yeah, I like

stealth bomber.

You know?

You hear that?

It's barely, you can barely hear.

It's like a Tesla.

That's exactly.

It's the Tesla of fucking nut shavers.

All right?

Trim your fucking cock like it ain't nothing.

All right, I've nicked my balls in the past, big time, okay?

It's hard for me to even hear that word right now.

Yeah, Nick.

Balls.

Makes me sick to even think about it.

Nick, have you ever trimmed your balls?

Yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Have you ever sucked a man's balls?

Oh, yeah, dude.

Really?

Do you like when a man's balls are hairy?

No.

So you would love it if they...

So you think every man should use the lawnmower 3.0?

Which is fine.

Like, I agree with that.

That's what I thought.

That's what I thought.

And

just again, how many inches is your penis?

Zero.

So anyway,

it works on tiny dicks, too.

It works on a zero-inch penis, which Nick has.

He just admitted that.

So what you're going to want to do, guys, to trim up your balls is get this fucking, go to manscape.com, okay?

Get 20% off plus free shipping with the promo code ComeTown.

All right?

It's water-resistant.

It's got a little light.

You can trim your balls in the dark.

That happens to me a lot.

You know, I go to a lot of basement sex parties where it's completely black and it's just hands and penises touching each other.

But sometimes

heat wave on the go.

Of course.

Because

that's the thing.

You have a hard time growing facial hair.

That's because your nuts grow at an alarming rate.

Your nut hairs are all you have five o'clock shattering.

True, my testosterone is kind of manifested in a very strange.

Well, that's not what.

I'm incredibly high T in certain areas in my body.

You have low T, but you do have.

Low T.

It's actually because you have a lot of pussy cells around your balls and put you have mouths.

Oh, right.

Yeah, yeah, it's like ions.

The ions don't match.

So

thank you, Jameer.

Thank you, Jamaica.

You're a natural scientist.

I've always said that.

That's right.

That's why I got this heart out.

And look, man, you're just going to love this shit.

All right.

Your nuts are going to be smooth as hell.

You're going to get 20% off plus free shipping.

I'm talking, go to manscaped.com, promo code COMTONT, 20% off plus free shipping, and get the smoothest nuts

you've ever experienced in your fucking life.

I love a nice smooth sack.

My dick is going to be clean as fuck when I fuck after this.

You'd be really shaving your nuts for real?

With the manscaped I have, yeah.

100%.

I thought about it once.

I did not used to.

I've never cleanly shaved my nuts in the past.

I'm scared.

I don't want, like, I'm not trying to have razor bumps.

Well, now with the man's

lawnmower 3.0.

The first lawnmower 3.0.

No, that's a 3.0.

Meaning, there were two lawnmowers before that.

The first being an actual lawnmower.

What was the motherfuckers doing in the 50s?

Like,

because, like, dudes is probably shaving their nuts.

They were straight razoring.

They'd go to the barber.

With straight razors.

They go to the barber.

The barber.

Yep.

Yep.

Get a barber.

Put a hot towel around their nuts.

The barber's.

get one of those little fucking brushes.

Yeah, you'd have to go to the barber, they'd have four-part harmonies, you know.

Show us your nuts.

Oh, that's why they did the songs because they were shaving people's nuts

to keep their mind off of the demeaning work they were doing.

They picked up singing:

This isn't gay, we're paying the bills, the bills.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

I don't think, I don't know when people were shaving their nuts.

I bet you artists

were shaving their nuts.

I think Egypt did everything.

Bushes used to run wild.

Not in France.

Not France, France Part 1.

France had the wild bushes.

I mean, they was off the bushes now.

I'm talking about back in the day.

They was probably

the original back in the fucking, you know what I'm saying?

Like the in the 20s, maybe.

Yeah, nah, like the 1400s.

I think they was

way back.

You're right.

They had powdered, they had powdered pussy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that shit.

They had rouge, yeah, that Beethoven.

That Beethoven era shit, and then they came back.

Yeah,

suck on my balls because they're clean.

They don't have hair.

Suck on my nuts.

I'm fucking gay.

Please suck my dick.

I'm fucking gay.

My dick is ball.

I'm what you have.

Sex.

Yeah, that kind of stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm with you.

You fully understand.

Yeah, we're on the same fucking wavelength, we're on the same motherfucking wavelength, pal.

I like that background.

Whose house is that?

This is my Tony Soprano's house, bro.

Okay, straight to it.

I'm trying to manifest this shit.

It was on the market for 3.5 milli, and I don't have it right now.

I'll be honest with you.

I do not have I can't put it down paying.

You got to put up 350 racks to put a downing on that?

For a 3.5 million, I would guess 700 or something.

Yeah, I always thought it was the same as bail money.

I bought a house in Greektown.

It was very easy.

They just tell you.

You showed up with Kohl's cash and they gave you that house.

I had a couple Chick-fil-A coupons.

And they're like, we will take this.

Thank you for the.

Do you remember those coupon books you have to sell

for your school also?

Yeah.

Of course.

We know it'd be like $20,000

worth of savings inside.

And it would all be for TCBY, even though there wasn't a fucking TCBY in my fucking town.

Three malls,

not narrow TCBY.

10 pages of this book is frozen yogurt coupons.

I don't think I've been to a TCBY in my entire life.

Exactly, because that shit is trash-ish.

Yeah, I don't think I've ever been to one either.

Do you miss the mall, Jamel?

You love the mall.

I'm a mall guy.

You haven't been able to go to the Glendale Galleria in a while, I'm sure.

Yeah, that's I'm anti-Americana.

I love the Galleria.

I'm anti-Americana.

I'm pro-galleria.

Wow.

A controversial stance.

I'm not as up on this, but it certainly seems like there's a burgeoning online movement.

The problem.

I heard that there's a man.

There's one retail clothing retail store, apparently, in New York that's open right now.

That opened early.

Apparently, Jimmy Jazz on Fulton is open.

I want to say this publicly.

If anyone needs Jordan socks or whatever, you know.

Yeah.

Dude, don't fuck with Jimmy Jazz.

They have a great selection.

That's

what I'm Steinway.

Can I get them Laker LeBrons over there?

Yeah.

Oh, you certainly can.

Sure.

The fucking, the fucking,

the fucking sweatsuits are looking good over there.

I'm just trying to go to Jimmy Jazz Jazz just because I want to go to a store.

It sounds fun.

I need a new fucking wardrobe because I'm fat as shit.

You know what I'm saying?

I saw a line for Shoe Palace out here.

Maybe I'll see what's up.

I'm about to go to Target and

I'm pulling the trigger on Friday, by the way, boys.

I'm going to the surfer store.

Wow.

Oh, Neil.

Shut the fuck up.

I am.

I'm going to the surface store.

I'm going to be a surfer.

Dude.

This is a joke I used to tell, but I really would love to see see if you did this.

You should walk around all summer in the black wetsuit with Tim's on, bro.

That's New York style.

That's New York style.

You, you, New York.

King of the Rockaways.

A double appropriator.

Yeah, king of the Rockaways.

No, you know, I'm going to be out in my hollow mindset on those waves with the Yankee fitted.

I'm going to be looking great.

At Rockaway.

At Far Rockaway.

You're going to surf

away.

I'm going to surf in New York.

And then I'm planning on getting good.

You're not good.

Go out to the Rockaways, get good there.

And then I go maybe deeper on Long Island, Montauk.

And then

by the winter, North Shore, Hawaii Pipeline Masters.

Kelly Slater.

I'm going to be in competition, dude.

Yep.

You're trying to get in competition.

Go surf in Staten Island then.

Staten Island, dude.

Of course.

Staten Island.

The island vibe.

Oh, I love Staten Island.

MAGA, man.

MAGA.

Make America great again, mate.

Oh,

Jesus.

Staten Island.

Stop.

Remember when that nigga?

Remember when I did your fucking call-in show and this nigga called in and was like, uh, my friend shot an old black man.

What?

But I love him.

But I love him, and I don't know what to do.

Yeah.

His man is.

The dude who shot the black man.

Oh, he committed a hate crime.

That's a joke.

He was like, I don't know what to do.

No, the story was real.

I don't think so.

Because I hung up on him, and then our producer was like, hey, this guy keeps DMing us and calling back.

He says it's real.

And it was just, and I just, yeah.

I should have known shit was fucking real.

I had this guy.

I had this guy that was like writing like insane comments on like all my Instagrams.

Like, you fucking kike suck, you know, whatever.

And then I like, I was like, who the fuck is this?

And so I checked DMs.

I was like, I'm sure he's DM'd me in the past.

And, you know, you see a bunch of like those kind of messages.

And then you scroll back to the beginning.

And his first message was like, hey, man, you mentioned that you had bad dandruff and you were doing something about it.

And I was wondering if you could help me out.

Jesus.

You created this monster, dude.

You pushed him into the arms of right-wing anti-Semites by not having

a gentle soul with his dandruff.

By being greedy.

Yep.

By being greedy, which

I guess I suppose is characteristic.

Yeah.

I'm going to rip this binger one more time, dude.

This CBD?

Dude, fucking yang.

Bing, yang.

Yeah.

I'm jealous, dude.

I wish I had some delicious, cushy dreams right now.

Same.

I threw away all my weed yesterday, guys.

You gave it away or you smoked it away?

No, I mean, I threw it away because it sucked.

I just was tired of smoking here.

I've been smoking the same weed like

just for a couple weeks, man.

Just a pay period.

Yeah, of course.

I just have to prove I can be alive without it once.

That's

you need that reset.

You smoke the biggest out of anyone I know.

Yeah, and things were going pretty good, but I got so high, I forgot that the cops was trying to kill me.

That's true.

That's true.

Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan wants you to be getting high again.

Yeah.

that's why he's

smoked so much weed.

I smoked so much weed, I thought affirmative action was a terrible idea.

You were so high, you're retweeting those videos where the cops are doing the nay-name.

Yeah, you're retweeting the electric spring videos.

Did you see Saint the rapping cop?

There was a cop in Baltimore who was rapping.

Oh, my God.

Before all this jumped off.

And somebody shot Saint the rapping cop.

That's right, baby.

Be more.

Don't try that shit.

Don't try that shit.

So good.

Oh, man.

God damn.

Saint the rapping cop.

I'm pretty sure it's Saint the Rapping Cop.

And

he got hit with one.

I think he's still alive.

The cool cop industry has completely that.

Yeah.

I hope you didn't have stock in that.

That's gone.

Fuck no.

Cops playing basketball?

Fuck off.

Yep.

Nope.

None of that.

Sorry to the pal.

Sorry to the police athletic league.

I do want it on the record that

I was the first.

I do have ridiculousness segments making fun of the police.

There you go.

I was the first one doing that.

We're all doing our part.

You know what I mean?

This is how I went.

This is how I went.

Oh, yeah.

We never said it.

Jamel's written some of the best segments on Rob Deardick's ridiculousness.

Oh, yeah.

Every one of Chanel West Coast lines, that's me.

Chanel West Coast going, that's crazy.

I write those in calligraphy

on a scroll, on a papyrus scroll.

What?

That's gotta hurt.

Yeah.

I've been down.

Season 13, a segment called Turn in Your Badge, Bitch.

That's me.

Well done.

It's so funny.

That show is literally like idiocracy out my balls.

It's like literally, it is a thing.

It's out my balls.

But you know what's hilarious?

Like, since I've been employed there, there are people who think the show has become more liberal.

Like, we had people right in.

It was like, I don't like.

I'm not watching this for the fucking politics.

Yeah, I don't like the direction the show is going.

I'm like, yo, I saw somebody puke on a nigga's nuts two seconds ago.

What are you talking about?

I'm watching to see people hurt their fucking penises.

What about black on black crock?

That is so fucking awesome.

That is so fucking good, man.

That's great.

Oh, fuck.

If only, yeah, I'd like a writing job like that, you know, where I could really steer the.

Is Deer Deck chill?

Is he a cool guy?

Oh, he is.

He's fine enough.

Why don't you try to be his new big black?

that sounds terrible it seemed like they were best friends i don't even i don't i don't even like the way you said that take that riff back

yeah take that riff back return that riff why don't you try to the riff

obviously

i don't want you getting any new friends you still got the tags on that riff right you better check that i have the receipt of course i have the receipt

good he keeps the receipt even if he was gonna he was gonna even if he didn't in three years he was gonna try and return it after 40 years.

Costco, they take anything

that's how Adam does.

I've returned things from 1997 to Costco.

Oh, fuck, dude.

I'm sweating my fucking little titties off over here.

Yeah, I got the air pumping in here.

Good for you.

This helmet hot as shit.

Are you still in the same picnic?

No, no, I'm not a little bro.

I'm around the Hollywood, like, legit, like, East Hollywood-ish little Tymenia.

Oh, you're in the tie zone?

Yeah, yeah, I'm in the tie zone.

Fuck.

My bicycle seat has been delivered, boys.

I'm about to be a little bicycle slug.

Oh, my God.

Dom De Loise.

I got some fancy shit.

Because I'm so fat that riding.

I can't ride my bike three days in a row.

Huh?

You have to break it in a little bit.

It has to like mold to your ass cheeks.

I know.

In a couple of weeks, it's going to be perfect.

Oh, it'll mold, pal.

Those are the best.

I can't ride a bike more than three days because the pressure of my ass.

It hurts my ass.

So I literally bruise my cheeks if I ride three days in a row.

So I'm excited for this new saddle.

I'm gonna be fucking tearing up queens,

trying to get a little basket.

I'm gonna ride on into the next town.

I take my bag and ride my horse.

Davis riding his bike to get fat.

You the only nigga you ride a bike, get fatter.

Oh, that's true.

That is true.

I love, I just walk my shit up hills and then glide down.

I like the wind in my hair.

You know what I'm saying?

I might start riding the bike to Brooklyn and literally walking up any challenging parts and just cruising on the other ones.

You should hit the cemetery, man.

They got some crazy hills.

I've been chilling at the Greenwood Cemetery.

He's not golf.

I'm going by golf.

I'm thinking of golf.

I chilled at the cemetery yesterday.

So sick.

I will only go to the cemetery if I'm going to get tired of it.

It's a good date spot.

I'm serious.

Bring a picnic to the cemetery?

I'm serious.

Inside a crypt, stopping there, getting napped.

I'm trying to get headwilled off.

When I was in the cemetery yesterday, I was like wondering what I want because there's like different options, Obviously, you have the simple, you know, modest headstone.

That's not me.

Then you have some guy had a fucking pyramid, which apparently Nick Cage has for when he dies.

Respect.

There are a ton of obelisks.

There are a ton of dudes that put up obelisks.

And, but

I think I'm going to go Chris.

I think I'm going to go Crit.

It gives you a lot more.

You can fuck around with it.

I'm going to actually be buried in a fucking replica of the Sopranos house, actually.

That's tough.

Or maybe the Bada Bing.

Like Lego size?

Maybe I have a fucking one-quarter the size Bada Bing that I die in.

And where it says Bada Bing, it'll have my bag.

I love that for you.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Because that's too rich.

Oh, yeah.

That's clean.

I'm thinking.

But it's still the bitch with the titties.

I'm going to go.

I'm going to go cremate it and then just pour my shit center court, Capital One Arena.

After Washington,

12 and

yeah,

yes, after our eighth straight WNBA championship, Elena De La Dawn to do a LeBron, like

Marjorie to do a LeBron powder toss.

Nah, listen, whoever dies first,

if it's me,

if it's you, I'll smoke your ashes in a big blunt in the hopes that you will come back.

Take the test high.

I like that video.

The high grades.

High scores, yeah.

Yep.

Except it'll be, yeah.

Except it'll be great segments for ridiculousness.

Yeah, yeah.

You'll come back from the grave to tell me, to tell me how to write.

Yeah, yeah.

You'll

find funny internet clips about the imbalance of power in America.

Jamel wrote most of the Machine Gun Kelly episode.

I know he's being modest right now.

That is true.

All that feet stuff, also me.

You write most of the feet material.

Yeah, yeah.

Are you Jimmy?

Are you a foot fascist?

Nah.

I tried it out for a little while.

I've been leaning.

I wasn't thinking about it because I've just been thinking about like comic view.

Like every black comic in the 90s had a bit about.

That's so true.

Sure.

And I was like,

well,

I like comedy.

Yeah.

I think it is something that happens when you get older, but I don't know, man.

Call me old-fashioned.

I'm a breasts guy.

You like tits?

I still like titties.

I got nothing wrong.

Ashes have grown on me the more I'm a mature man.

I'm a armpit.

The more I've actually fucked instead of theoretically fucking.

I'm an armpit guy.

Having said that, I still.

There's nothing like a nice titty.

Yeah.

Give it one of these.

You know what I'm saying?

A little smooch.

I love giving a titty a smooch.

I love.

I only blow.

I blow kisses at titties.

I don't touch them.

And I'm putting my dick dick in.

I'm an armpit guy.

I'm putting my dick in an armpit.

That's why I think Jones is the best because you've got the space

in between the arm and the armpit.

It's like it's

concealing, but yeah.

It kind of looks like that.

It's like Madeline Albright.

To bring it all full circle.

He conforms and conceals.

I saw a video on

Pornhub once, which was like a bodybuilder chick.

And I think in muscle girl videos,

um, they fuck in between the uh the bicep, the bicep, and the forearm.

Yeah, so they fuck like the inside of the elbow.

Yeah, that's good.

Have y'all seen this shit?

You know what I seen on pornhouse the other day?

They're doing these, like

it's like porno

wrestling matches.

Yes, I saw this, and it was like it was perplexing to me.

Yes, I had a short period in in my youth where I would jack off to those.

That is called, I believe it was called

Kink.com girls.

It's in the kink.com family, for sure.

They're like legit Greco-Roaming Wrestling, and then we'll just take a break and

then suck the guy off and then go back to really trying to pin.

See,

the mixed sex never did it for me.

I like to watch Blackboard.

Wait, do they have a guy fighting?

Yes!

That's what I saw.

But to me,

it takes me out of the moment.

It takes me out of the moment because, let's be honest, the guy is going to win in reality.

But when it's two women, then I can at least.

You're forgetting that he's walking around with a hard dick, man.

That's hard to fight.

In a wrestling singlet?

Yeah.

I never understood how they awarded points.

It's like sometimes

Sometimes they would like sneak a finger pop or like strike him off real.

I don't understand what the point is.

That's what I'm saying.

I couldn't, I put my dick away.

I didn't get it.

Yeah, I just like to know.

That's see, again, to me, if it's girl on girl, I understand.

Even if I don't understand the points, I see how the match is going.

You know what I mean?

I can tell

the direction of the match.

And I like to see,

and then they strap on, and it's like, yeah, you lost, and now you're getting fucked, and you deserve this.

Okay, but you know, I like that it could be either one of them.

Whereas, what happens if the girl wins?

They peg the guy?

I don't think that happens.

I think they're always going to fuck.

Yeah, there's nothing at stake in the heterosexual one.

I'll put it that way.

And also, I'm jacking off to the stake.

And it also seems like if you win, you should be the one

getting fucked.

You don't do the work.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yo, these strap-on bitches, y'all ain't fucking nobody for real.

Y'all don't know shit about fucking pulling up short, pulling that hammy.

That's right, absolutely.

100%.

You're so, that's so correct, dude.

If I won a wrestling match against a woman, I would like to lay back.

Yeah.

Eating a bowl of popcorn would be my dick.

Yeah, give me, yeah.

I'd like to do no work whatsoever and just lay back and just get my little prick, my little pricidoro serviced.

Nick, just text: Are you gonna send me the file tonight?

Always working, yeah, yeah, bitch,

yeah,

yes, of course, we'll send it to you.

What the fuck do you think we're gonna do?

Just record for fun.

You want a wav?

I'll send y'all a wav file.

Yeah, send us

a wav.

Mm-hmm.

Damn.

Sorry, man.

We got you.

We got you, Nick.

Y'all ain't even peeped my background.

I know.

I love the background.

Nah, but look.

That's good.

Boy Meets World jocked my guys.

They did the same joy.

True.

True.

Terrible.

They don't have the jewelry.

Terrible, dude.

It's fucked up what they did.

All right.

Well, I guess we should probably wrap it up anyway.

Nick,

we'll have it soon.

Is there anything you want to tell the people?

You know what?

And I've said this before, and everyone thinks I'm joking, but I'm a gay man.

Okay.

Well, you did say that earlier, but that's fine.

the we'll have that over to you no problem

um but uh for here this the episode has come to an end everyone thank you for listening jamel where do you want the people to find you brother uh jameljohnson.com i got some stand-up on there uh yes call friend or foe and i i might have done the same riff from the stand-up in this episode of Come Town and I forgot about that.

That's fine, dude.

That's fine.

Just act like it came up naturally.

I don't care.

We're professional comedians.

That's what we do.

We tell jokes.

jokes.

That's true.

Fuck them, dude.

That's true.

And then, you know, non-profit comic on the Twitter and

Airbugs pod everywhere on all the stuff.

That's right.

Yep.

Just fucking come see.

Keep listening to the podcast, I guess.

I don't have any dates to plug because the world has ended, but check out Stobby Solves Your Problems.

And also my YouTube channel.

I'm posting a lot of shit over there now.

It's youtube.com/slash stoppy baby.

So you get all the fucking pods and shit like that that I do, etc.

All right.

Nothing.

We'll see you again soon, folks.

This has been a fun experiment without the old mull dog, but he'll be back in it.

He'll be back at some point, I guess.

And just as this is officially the last white thing I do, aside from this meeting I got with Bill Maher tomorrow,

I just want to say I love y'all.

And Adam, I love you, bro.

It was great, man.

I love you, Jamal.

I miss you.

It was nice being friends for so long.

But we understand that you can't do any more.

No, we can be friends.

I'm just not

going to do anything.

Yeah, none of your white programs.

No, I'm not coming to the show to have eight niggas call me Jamal no more because

I'm going to hurt because I'm going to hurt one of them niggas and it's over.

That's fine.

And you know what?

We'll have your back.

That's love.

You're welcome at any black things I do.

Y'all can still come to my love.

I'm going to it.

I'll be at Christmas, I promise.

That's a bet.

Yo, my mom's been asking about you.

When are you going to come to church with this?

This is the Johnson family Christmas

every

year when I'm here.

We leave a plate out for you every year.

Listen, dude, I've been learning all the black Christmas songs.

I know you guys have slightly different ones.

I'm going to have them all.

We got drums on ours.

We got 808s on ours.

Yeah, I've been putting claps on my Christmas songs.

Oh, my God.

All right.

Are you ready to clap, Adam?

Yes.

Yes.

Bye.

All right, folks.

That's going to do it.

We'll talk to you soon.

Bye.

Can I see your painters?

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