Ep. 211 – Welcome Back

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We had everything figured the fuck out,

and then somebody had to make a coffee.

That's right, it's Nick's fault.

No, it's probably your mic.

You probably have a bad mic.

It's not my mic.

Yeah, you might have to go buy a new one.

It's not my mic.

Don't you dare say you got to go buy a new mic, new computer.

You're going to have to go.

No, no.

Oh, yeah.

Absolutely.

Yep.

We've been down this road before.

Your computer was fucked up.

My computer was fucked up, yes.

Okay, but it was not my fault.

All right, yeah, I got it back.

I'm in.

I'm all in.

We had to pretend you were dealing with an emergency while you spent three weeks upset that you had to buy a new computer.

I was bargaining.

Adam was haggling.

I had to go stay with my parents

an entire month to cry about having to buy a new computer

to buy a used computer.

Oh, fuck.

What's going on, fellas?

I'm pissed my soundboard's not working.

I had a new sound that was going to be like, I had a boo set up.

So whenever one of you, I was going to be like, what do people think about Nick's penis?

And then I would hit it and it would go, boo.

And I'll be like, what about Stop's penis?

And then I had a cheering one, too.

It would be like, yeah.

That's cool, dude.

That's basically all I had ready for today.

You should have had a nice fart loaded.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

But the thing is, I can't go go back to not having like a digital fart,

honestly.

That's true.

Um, but I can't go back to not having a soundboard.

I'm gonna have to bring in my own soundboard

to the live, to the in-person ones.

Yeah,

yeah, I believe so.

I kind of consider myself to be like a Michael Winslow-style human soundboard.

That kind of shit.

Yeah,

I do the old dial-up noise.

Oh, yeah.

Yep, that's one.

That's in my repertoire.

That's good.

I like that a lot.

It's nice to be back in New York, guys.

Yeah.

Why?

It sucks here.

Well, it really sucked where I was.

That's true.

I was contacted by the Black Lives Matter movement.

They said they need me back here.

So

you had to cut family time short.

Yep.

I said Black Lives Matters needs me.

They need we need someone to do a Bob Dylan cover, they said they need a song

to end it all.

We need the her, we need somebody to do a hurricane remix, but make sure he says more n-words, yeah.

You gotta add a couple more, you gotta sprinkle in a couple more n-words.

I gotta say, I'm not gonna name names, yeah, but uh, please don't.

I know one guy whose New Year's resolution was to stop saying the word, who has been very active in the protest movement,

and it's cool.

I think it's good that people are growing.

That's a hilarious New Year's resolution because you just can't tell anyone about it.

Yeah, who was it a white guy?

Yeah, yeah.

I think it was like, you know, I mean, it could be

a black guy.

A black guy that's like, my New Year's resolution is to stop saying the N-word.

And it's like, oh, look who doesn't.

Look who suddenly now wants to use the N-word.

right because you want to use it more if you're angry

you know in the protests because when you're right so as a form of anger and solidarity you scream it if you're a black guy yeah yeah yeah

you see the point that i'm making here i see the point you're making and it's it's solid it's a solid point i guess i don't know i'm i've got like heat stroke or something you got you got you don't have an ac in your shit i don't have my ac installed not in not in this room it's in the living room so it's on the other side of the apartment apartment oh you guys gotta you gotta get those titties ice cold so what do you pretty uncomfortable are you being hosed down i have i have a crew that comes in and mists me yeah and scrubs me down with ice cold water

the hose crew gets underneath each titty

those are my my titties are my main flaps you've been going through car washes It's got to stay cool one way or the other.

I put on a one-piece bathing suit with the straps and I go through car washes pretty cool a romper a romper style i put on a romper 1920 style beachwear you guys see that the new york something health something or other said that uh they don't suggest you have casual sex but if you do maybe consider a wall or sexual positions where you're not face to face really they said a wall like a glory holes baby

oh because kissing is the state sanctioned glory holes brother well they said something about rimming asses being dangerous dangerous, too.

Uh-oh.

For COVID.

No kissing, no rimming asses.

You're out of luck, Adam.

That's your favorite two things.

Those are the only two things I do.

Kissing, eating ass with your pants completely in your, with your cock completely in your pants.

It's honestly, guys, it's really nice to be.

I'm so scatter, Brent.

There's been shit that I fucking.

Okay, here it is.

Good.

I'll send it to the shit.

Do your shit.

We'll wait for it.

No, talk about eating ass in glory holes.

I just set up my dad's Grinder account.

You know these folks.

you know these old folks with the technology because i i i always i always find there's a read to do i always find i find the email before we start the show then something else fucking happens and i click out of it and then it's like fucking like where the fuck did this thing go and then it's buried in 15 emails yeah i don't know how the fuck you should star it

I need to just get a regular job.

I need to not.

You should hit star.

I need to stop fucking trying to be a businessman and having...

You definitely don't need to be a businessman, but you can't have a regular job i need to just yeah get a job at mcdonald's

at this point we're completely can you imagine

if i had to go go back to working minimum wage

you wanted to sell volvo i've had days in my life where i've made fucking like 80 000 in a day have to go back

go back do go back to minimum wage i was like for a while i was like you know what maybe i should just get a job at a grocery store no just like fill in my mornings do something be a part of the community Yeah, and then I just did some quick-ass math about how little everyone gets paid.

And I'm like, oh, absolutely not.

I will not be doing that.

Do you remember getting paid $100 for stand-up?

Dude, my dick was on double hard.

I remember like getting $100 for the first time.

And I was like, if I make this every single night, I'll make $36,000 a year.

Yep.

Yeah.

If I, damn, I never

paid it.

That's what $9.

Is every night he gets paid $40 million to do stand-up?

So at the end of the year, he makes $18 billion.

Jeff Bezos?

Dan Ninan.

Oh, Dan Ninan.

Why don't we do corporate?

We should start doing corporates, man.

What about like, what about like...

I will do fucking whatever.

I don't care, dude.

It's like fucking...

It's like...

As soon as you hit 30, it's like, I will do literally, I will have gay sex with mice.

I will put mice in my ass for money.

I don't care what it is.

I like how you're spinning this as an as a age thing.

You're like, as soon as you hit 30.

No, it is.

It's literally, I do not give a shit.

I just want a fucking ounce.

It is an age thing.

It's like, you know, I mean,

in my

gay sex.

In my 20s, there was shit that I would fucking turn down.

If I got, like, offered, like, at this point now, I know I wouldn't get it, but if I like still had management and they were like, do you want to do SNL?

I'm like, well, I figure if I do one, if I somehow got it, they would at least have to pay me for the day before they fired me.

You know what I mean?

Or is it like 27?

Yeah.

I would, you know.

I literally was like, yeah, I'm not.

I don't want to do that.

I don't want to audition for it.

But now I will have gay sex on camera.

That's my point.

If it means I can get a house with a fucking garage and not have to worry about the bank taking away from me in five years.

Yep.

Fuck it, dude.

can't we just steal a house yeah if anything these protests have told me yeah is that people power so the three of us we show up

we get a house we got guns and

we should get a place

you should get a place in in west virginia dude just something west virginia yeah just something you could cruise out on 70 from your place we'll start off your place barbecue Love that.

Hit the road.

Backyard Greektown barbecue.

Quick two-hour drive.

We're in fucking WV Panhandle.

We're zooming, zooming, baby, right up 70.

We stop at Cadensville.

We go to Honey Pig, right off 70, right?

Yeah, we do.

We get a little honey pig.

Yeah, you get meal number two.

Meal number two.

Meal number two.

Fuel up,

and then it's out to, I'm thinking at bare minimum, 40 acres somewhere, West Virginia Panhandle.

Yeah, well, we stop at Hagerstown, of course.

We stop at Hagerstown, take in the sites.

You get

that classic Hagerstown vibe.

Anytime I've been in Hagerstown, it's like, this is,

there's already enough of this.

You You know, there's already enough Maryland that looks like this.

What the fuck is Hagerstown?

Why is it here?

Yeah.

Absolutely.

It was always funny because it sounds like a drunk person trying to remember Gaithersburg.

You're like, I was called something like Hagerstown or something.

Fucking Hagerstown.

I think it's, yeah, it's like Hager.

And that's what it is.

It's just

like.

It's the same place, except on the other side.

A lot shittier, to be fair.

A little bit shittier.

Yeah.

Closer to West Virginia.

Closer.

Yeah.

The economy out in western Maryland is all propped up by one prison, I think.

Yeah, I think so.

Everyone takes their turn going in and beating prisoners.

They shift just hitting prisoners in the kneecaps.

They're all both

their own correctional officers and the prisoners themselves.

They just

Monday, Wednesday, Friday, you're the prisoner.

Tuesday, Thursday, you get to be the cop.

Yeah,

during the day, they, you know, they do the musical, and then at the end of the night, they swap, and then the,

you know, they're, they, they switch.

It's nice.

It's a nice system they got there.

They change roles.

But, anyways, West Virginia, you get fucking 40 acres, you get a mule.

Okay.

As is our right.

That would be, that would be

a fun move as a white man is to buy myself 40 acres and a mule.

No one's going to be technically mad at you.

It's just

something that I wanted.

It's something that I wanted for myself

i worked real hard and i got myself 40 acres and a mule i feel like i deserve it

just posting pictures on instagram of my 40 acres and my mule why was a mule part of it was that to do farm work yes

strong

Yeah, they also can't mules can't procreate.

You should have been able to choose between 40 acres and a mule or just like 40, 60 acres, no mule.

Yeah.

You buy your own fucking animal.

Well, the mule was because you need the 40 acres you needed for planting shit.

Yep.

Like if you want to make broccoli or collard granny.

Broccoli Rob.

Make those pork sandwiches.

Yeah.

If you want to make

awesome roasted pork sandwiches to broccoli rob.

But have a sandwich farm.

Mules are like tractors.

They didn't have tractors back then.

So you like cooking.

What about ox?

Don't you want a big-ass ox?

I think that's you go, you're going even further back then.

Oh, really?

Yeah, ox is like old-timey shit.

Mule was like new technology.

That was like.

I didn't know that.

We got little fat ass horses.

That was the Tesla of everybody was making fun of 1800s Elon Musk for just fucking around with donkeys singing him in all the time.

Yeah, just spitting donkey, spitting horse cum into a donkey's pussy.

Yeah.

Seeing what he got.

And then,

you know, and then they,

damn.

It's hot.

It is.

You know, and then, yeah, they had a mule and people were like oh this thing's like uh it's like a freaking zamboni machine you came up with a fucking zamboni over here we got a fucking zamboni over here yeah we got a regular grass type zamboni zam

zamboni that's a fun word huh oh yeah

yeah i got a zamboni for you yeah kind of a echaliano a little bit yeah oh yeah oh yeah you guys you guys have been seeing what ice ice cube is posting i did

i did he's just doing full-on, like, anti-Semitism.

It's awesome.

It started as like, fuck Donald Trump.

Then, like, he was on, he was there with Epstein.

And then he was like, he, he, first, he starts just saying anti-Trump stuff, pro-black stuff.

Everyone's like, yeah, hell yeah, Ice Cube.

Then he like posts a picture of Trump with Epstein.

Everyone's like, oh, hell yeah.

And then he's like, and then he's like, and Bill Gates was on that island too.

He's like talking about, and people are still like, okay, yeah, I guess Bill Gates was on the island, even though he's like kind of talking about vaccine.

He's sneaking vaccine stuff in.

And then he's talking about the black cube of Satan or some shit.

And then, and they're like, oh, damn, we're full-on conspiracy theorists.

And then today, he posts a picture where the black cube of Satan is inside of the star of David.

Oh,

uh-huh.

Beautiful, full-on, old-school black anti-Semitism.

Dude, I was like off the internet for a week.

And then I went back online on the plane back to New york and then i just saw nancy pelosi in a kente cloth and i was like this is amazing this salute salute to the to her she's really crushing what a what a beautiful time honestly it felt so good to be so removed and then to get back into it i'm like oh this is this is great

this is so good through right into the five this took seven days yeah it literally took seven days for this to happen Yeah, and now they're saying they don't want shit.

They don't want to defund cops.

Of course not.

They're not even going to do it in Minneapolis.

No, no, I mean the Democrats.

So, what does that happen?

They'll put on a Kentucky.

What does that mean?

That the cops just go around naked?

They just, yeah, no guns, no belts, no pants.

They got it.

No, they get a belt, but that's it.

They get a belt and their cock is out.

And they get the little hat, too, and shoes.

And a ticket book, one ticket book.

And that's why, if you're smart and you put the ticket book on, you do it in a certain way over your belt, it can cover your cock if your cock is small.

But maybe not your balls if they sag low.

So the small cocked community will be small dick police officer community, which is the majority from what I understand,

will be fine.

I went on X videos

a couple of days ago, and the top post was say his name, George Floyd.

And it was a video of fucking.

Wait, is there really a George Floyd porno?

Yeah, yeah, there is.

And I was saying,

but the video was called Say His Name, George Floyd.

No, dude,

I mean, respect to him for getting it in.

He got it in.

Was the girl hot?

She, yeah, she was, she was attractive.

Oh, yeah, R.I.P.

Yeah, I mean, I didn't know yet.

Like, I had to watch it, but not masturbate it too.

Of course, you watch it as a sign of respect.

You watch it out of respect, but you don't, you don't beat your meat.

Yeah.

It's a little too

beaten meat to George Floyd.

Thank God white women didn't catch on to the fact that he's also a sex worker.

Oh, my God, you're right.

How bad it is that they're already personalizing it in so many different ways.

If they're like,

he's me, I'm the same.

That's a 24-hour cam-the-stephanie.

I'm a slut, just like slut George.

Oh, well, you're going to slut shame George now

because he reminds you of me.

You're absolutely correct.

Yeah.

God damn.

This is first and foremost about sex workers' rights.

We can figure out the racial implications later.

I'm going to solicit recommendations from people.

What just bum fuck middle of nowhere place in the country should I move to as

my mental faculties fall to pieces?

I actually do think West Virginia is not bad.

West Virginia is not bad.

It is because you're close to

Maryland.

Well, I prefer.

I'm relatively close to the East Coast.

I prefer to be closer to like the beach.

I mean, I guess there is hiking in West Virginia, but it's like,

you know, I use the Appalachian Trail and shit.

Yeah, no, I'm not with that.

You're right.

Yeah.

I don't know.

No, I don't need to be super close.

Well, that's still expensive.

That's not, I mean, yeah.

Even like the dog shit part, like Wacomico County and shit like that.

Yeah, I mean, it's not cheap.

You know.

I mean, it's like, it's certainly not as cheap as like you would like if you lived in fucking, like, I don't know if like the Gulf states are.

Oh, yeah, hell yeah, dude.

Get the Florabama shore, dude.

Yeah, but I've only driven through those places.

I have no idea.

Alabama?

I can't imagine, like, because it's like, you know, people like, there's, people go too far because they make assumptions about the South where they're like, oh, it's just all like dumbass racists or whatever.

And it's like, well, that's not true.

But certainly it's like, it's,

there's part of it.

it's close to that yeah plenty of those motherfuckers i mean it's not like it's not that you know either there's 10 cool guys sure right exactly but but there are a lot of mostly those

you can get avocado toast there but also there is plenty of racist fuckers

right yeah yeah well not even not even like right i wouldn't mind it if they were like because there's if it's the the problem is is that people always pair racism with like local pride where it's like you shouldn't be able to do both that's the same problem with the police It's like you can be racist, but then you're also like on TV crying and demanding respect.

That guy was awesome.

Yeah.

That guy was like, they're calling us animals.

They're saying, they're telling us to leave our neighborhoods.

Like, but you know, before we're off our shift and we drive two and a half hours out to Long Island.

We all live, we all live in rural Pennsylvania.

Yeah.

It's also like communities that we fixed.

Yeah.

And we keep them in line.

It's like,

I mean,

the protests are happening because they're not fixed.

What the fuck?

What are you talking about?

And

the part where he was like, mothers are saying they're scared their black child might get killed by the police.

He's like, that does not happen.

And it's like, well, it does, though.

I don't know what you mean.

It was weird

watching all of those cops talk.

I mean, admittedly, I only saw two of them at that thing, but like, all of them, they should just let them be actors yeah they were pretty they were pretty

because they have pathos they do and but they know they're just saying lies i mean they know they know it's bullshit yeah yeah cops lie everybody knows cops lie constantly yes so they get to just lie that's part of the job that's one of the perks yeah you just lie but i mean

i would watch those guys in a scorses movie Every single one of them.

The Baker Boss guy.

I don't know about a movie.

I want them in live theater.

I think

they need to feel the electricity of a crowd.

These guys were performing, dude.

Back when they made boys dress up like women so that the actors could kiss them.

All the cops have to start playing little girls and women.

Shakespeare's hot.

Like it's Shakespeare.

Shakespeare's garbage.

Hell yeah.

Go off, my brother.

I'm fucking Shakespeare.

I don't know why they teach you that shit.

Betwixt and without withon.

Yeah.

That kind of shit.

It's not even an angel.

Yeah.

Speak clearly.

Right.

Lady Macbeth, was she even hot?

How did she get him to do all that shit?

Speaking of hot, wild, or get the fucking.

Lady Macbeth must have sucked good ass dick.

Well, it was a boy in the play.

Well, here's the thing.

If Lady, it's implied that Lady Macbeth sucks good dick, because otherwise, how could she get him to do all that stuff?

Why don't we get a scene where she's sucking his cock?

That's what I want to see it.

Why don't we get this?

Show don't tell.

Show don't imply.

Yeah.

Because otherwise, Macbeth doesn't make sense if we don't know that Lady Macbeth is good at sucking dick.

Then his just bitch wife gets him to do whatever she wants.

Fuck that, dude.

You know what I'm saying?

Uh-huh.

I think I'm making some points here.

I had to, I read that in high school, and I chose it because it was the shortest Shakespeare.

Is it the shortest one?

I think it is.

What are some other of his Romeo and Juliet?

That one's dumb, obviously.

Julius Caesar.

Oh, where they get his ass?

That's kind of cool.

That one's not bad.

I like that one.

He's getting God.

He gets got, yeah by his boys that one's pretty cool yeah

but macbeth like i said there's a huge plot hole in it i was in uh

shakespeare in fifth grade

i was in a midsummer night's dream i played a fairy one of those gay guys yeah i played uh i played puck the the sprightly mischievous fairy oh you said you were probably so excited to play puck um

the trickster tights which i was pretty embarrassing The trickster.

A little trickster.

But I did identify with it.

He breaks the fourth wall and talks directly to the audience.

Yes.

Is that what he does?

He does, yeah.

I didn't know that.

I haven't read that one.

I think it was a kids' version.

I don't think it was the full play.

I'm just fucking kind of

kidding.

I feel like.

Everyone sucks and fucks on that one, right?

Yeah, and they're like making people fuck each other, you know, tricking people into fucking.

Okay, well, that one sounds pretty good.

never mind i like that one

and then othello

othello

yeah it's about a black man can't catch a break yep that's you know that's not bad eternal story

merchant of venice cheap uh

jew my i like that my problem with othello is that they stole the character of iago from aladdin That's true.

He's stealing.

Did you ever see the

BBC production production of Othello with Bob Hoskins as Iago?

No.

It's great.

Bob Hoskins rules.

I do fuck with him.

Damn, I feel like I just ate a bunch of Indian food.

What's wrong?

Where'd you have for breakfast?

I'm going to start going to the doctor and saying things like that.

I just feel like there's just a bunch of like, I'm like, my head feels like there's like Indian music, you know, like just I'm having to like hear Indian.

I'm just in a lot of pain.

And it keeps like every, I'm just like, I'm like nauseated.

Like, I'm just smelling Indian stuff.

And he's like, yep, I get it.

No, I get it, pal.

Yeah, you're,

maybe you're just racist against Indian people.

I'm going to prescribe you not being around minorities.

So I'm going to prescribe you a nice.

That's when the house in West Virginia comes in handy.

Do you remember

the first time you went into a second Indian person's house?

You don't remember, you know what I mean?

Like, you go to one, you go to one person Indian's house, like as a kid, and you're like, Oh, okay, all right, sure, you know, that family, cool guy, fine, you know.

And then you go to a second Indian person's house, and you're like, What's going on here?

Yeah, we got to get to the bottom of this.

What are you guys doing?

What's going on?

Why is this so frank?

What

the hell

is going on?

My, my, uh, the one that me up the most it was not my indian friends it was my friend tommy his house smelled like the way when he farted that's how his house smelled yeah like you go into his house and it smelled like exactly the way tommy's fart smelled

family has a particular smell yeah i don't think my family does but then again maybe i'm i think it was all the b o covered it up my dad smelled like shit

but yeah yeah tommy's house was

some people like that There was any family that had like dogs that they loved, their houses smelled fucking terrible because they would never wash the dog,

just some like fat fucking beagle.

Yes, and you know, it was like infected, right?

Like it's the dog smelled like fucking

limping,

just limping up to you,

it has open wounds and just eating everybody's cookies and shit.

Yeah, they're like, this is Bailey, and it's like, get the fuck away from me.

Get this fucking.

And they're like, she's a love bug.

Just limping.

The dog's wearing socks.

Yeah, they're in there cooking liver for it.

Like, it can't eat raw foods anymore.

The dog's just got lost.

Right.

The dog, the half, it's everything is just linoleum floors in this dog in wet socks.

Oh, yeah.

Cracked linoleum.

Yeah.

I know the vibe exactly.

Yeah, you can't love your dog.

You can't have a big fat ass dog that you love too much.

Yeah.

My dog absolutely does not respect me anymore after three months.

Yeah, I saw her, I started crying, and she did not care at all.

Does your dog recognize you?

Does your dog think you were in Afghanistan?

Yeah, you should have come back in full fatigues.

I told them to say that, but you should have come back in fatigues.

Like, I did it.

The conceit of those videos, not explicitly, but like kind of, you're supposed to feel like the dogs approve of the war in Iraq.

Yeah.

It's propaganda.

The animals, the animals know it was just war.

Yeah.

Those are, those, yeah, those are fine.

Those are better than the ones with

like a family, because the family, it's nice, but you're like, damn, the army took this guy away from this family, but the dog is just, you don't fucking care about the dogs, really.

You're just like, hell yeah.

That dog's glad Saddam is in fucking hell.

All right.

After this, immediately, Adam, let's take a look at

like tables and soundproofing shit and like yeah you already got that

yeah I'll come over I might yeah get something to eat first and then but yeah tables and making pads to you tonight if you want

maybe and then like we need we already have mics so three mic stands

and then maybe we have like we have a couch and then a chair right there so we can like set up I'm gonna need a fucking hammock to podcast in yeah well forget a studio those are my demands yeah

I also want to be blue.

In fact, forget the studio.

We're going to get a biplane, which I will.

Oh, I like that.

Okay, I'm back in.

Look,

you said no instinctually because you're selfish and you forget that there's two iterations of balloo.

Well, it's not because I'm selfish, it's because I'm against you copying.

I'm not copying.

I'm Tailspin.

I will be Tailspin Balloo.

And you can be the cross-dressing Baloo from the King Louis scene.

No, I'm not the trans Baloo.

You cut out for a second.

I'm guessing that's what you accused me of being.

Sav, you're kind of a coconut bra.

You're the coconut.

First of all, I'm not a coconut bra, Baloo.

I'm Baloo without the coconut bra, but the same guy.

I am the jungle book baloo because he was a cool.

He didn't have a job.

You're fucking, you're in the system, dude.

I'm off the fucking grid, baloo.

I'm getting pussy in the fucking jungle.

You're right.

I'm

an essential worker.

You're with a young boy that's wearing underpants.

Logistics.

Logistics.

I'm being a father figure.

Yeah.

Not having sex with him.

I'm staying with my people, other bears.

Other bears.

That's who I'm dealing with.

yeah that's true remember the like uh Rebecca was like divorced or something and they the other bear yeah and there was an episode of tailspin where um she goes on like a date with uh

sheer khan i think or maybe no no no greg is not giving up the pussy to sheer con it's some like fucking like french

french french jaguar or something i forgot how hot rebecca was yeah but there's this like there's this like jungle cat trying to get pussy from Rebecca and fucking the kid.

Yeah, the kid hates the kids like, man, he's like, fuck that lion or whatever it is.

We'll come back to this in a second.

I'm searching, does Baloo get pussy?

And I'm not seeing anything.

I'm going to tell you something right now.

I

recently

started removing my body hair.

Interesting.

Wait,

you're shaving?

You're waxing?

Yeah, I tried it out.

No, I shaved.

I used, because, you know, I have my razor sitting around from my face that I haven't used in a year.

And I shaved half my chest and stomach in, like, just out of boredom to see what, you know, to do a character in the bathroom.

Hell yeah.

Doing a lot of bathroom characters.

To do the character of man having sex with other man.

Well, to

and you really immersed yourself in that, by the way.

Anyways, well, the way the story goes is this company, Manscaped.

They make the best

clippers, and they actually sent it to Stav because they were like, Who's the gay guy on the podcast?

Absolutely not.

And I said, Well, I'm the one after your fucking body transformation.

I said, Well, I'm the one that shaves my chest.

They're like, Don't, we already ran the algorithm, and it said stav's the gay guy.

So, oh, this is so fucked up of you to do without my soundboard.

No, so because I could run my own program, but I can't do that.

Yeah, well, too bad you broke your soundboard having gay sex.

I was not having gay sex.

How would you even break a soundboard having gay sex when I'm having sex with a man and I'm pressing the buttons and we're both wearing headphones?

Yes.

Manscaped is the best in below-the-belt grooming.

True.

They removed Stav.

Stav has maybe 15 acres of pubic area and

one inch of penis.

Much more than one.

If you imagine the scene in The Matrix

where where morpheus says welcome to the desert of the real and then it zooms way out in that scene morpheus is stav's penis and then no he's not that vast expanse no he is not is his pubic area which requires a lot of shaving um

and so the manscape uh clippers which they sent to stav to try out which he did which i did and i had a great time with him anyway he's gonna listen here's the thing i don't what nick is saying is wrong about how much pubes pubes versus penis I have.

Well, it's an advertisement, so we're not allowed to lie.

Well, we are, no, but we're not supposed to, but we are.

It's absolutely, and that's why you're actually kind of putting our whole contract in jeopardy.

And I suggest you stop doing that.

It's absolutely the truth is, the truth is, you know me.

I love the law.

I'm a right-wing psycho.

That's me.

I love the law.

I love the police.

I love the listen.

I have an irregular amount of pubes.

Having said that, I have a nice, luscious ball sack, right?

As a man with a luxurious, fat, fat, extra stuff sack.

If my balls are Santa's sack,

I'm a real, it's real, he's about to go to a kid that's been very good.

They're very plump and full.

And I, in the past, have tried to scissor cut my own ball hair to make it look nice.

And, brother, let me tell you, sometimes you snip that.

You can't do that.

You can't be freehanding.

Sometimes I've tried a razor.

I've gotten a cut on my balls.

And balls bleed, by the way.

You think they would.

Terrible.

They bleed like something fierce.

What do you mean you'd think they wouldn't?

You'd think they wouldn't

that much?

The fuck are you talking about?

They wouldn't.

You wouldn't think there's not like a direct artery on your nuts.

It's bleeding like it's an artery.

Do you think after like this,

what, eight, nine years we've been friends, I'd like finally like not be surprised when you say some of the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life.

You wouldn't think balls bleed as much as they do is what I mean.

You cut your arm, your arm cuts as much as you think, it bleeds as much as you think it would.

All right.

You get a slight nick on your balls.

It's fucking overflowing is what I'm saying.

And the point is, that's a thing of the past, Nick.

Whether your balls bleed, and maybe it's maybe my balls are heavier.

I don't know.

Maybe your balls don't bleed that much.

Who's to say?

I've actually never cut my ball sack ever.

Well, I have.

And that's why the Manscaped is such the fucking lawnmower 3.0.

That's why it's such a goddamn godsend.

Because I took it to my balls.

We did a real close cut.

I mean, these things are fucking hairless, brother.

And it's

looking like a Siamese cat.

They have advanced skin-safe technology.

And I don't know what that means, but their engineering team spent 18 months perfecting the greatest ball hair

ever created.

It's like that scene in Apollo 13 where they're stuck on the moon.

And the guy brings in, he's like, all right, boys, here's what we got.

And he empties out like a cardboard box of shit.

and he's like now who wants to shave my balls you know

the top mines at nasa it's exactly like that

you know what millions of balls that's where i that's where i should move is fucking cape canaveral or cape can that's not bad yeah move down there just hit the epcot center every day learn

just because you go to start learning go to epcot you're basically a world citizen Yep, you know, if you use fucking manscaped Lawn Motor 3.0, your balls will be as smooth as that.

Epcot Center.

Roll through Norway with my fucking balls out.

I'm like, check this out.

I'm ready for the fjord.

Look how clean these are.

And the thing is,

you could shave your nuts if you wanted to in the Epcot Center bathroom because the fucking quiet stroke technology is so gorgeous on these things.

Turn it on, you can't even hear shit.

Not only that, but you could do it on the fjord in Norway.

because they're waterproof.

They're waterproof.

You're in there and maybe you have a wild amount of hairy nuts yeah you could you it lasts for up to 90 minutes you could shave your balls a lot of people are

a lot of people are embarrassed about shaving because they they were told in middle school that if you have hair on your your penis it means you're retarded right um and i think we can all we all remember that day

we all remember being laughed at by everybody in gym class they say because somebody said that means you're mentally retarded yes and oh yeah

for sure and so you don't want to shave your balls outside of the shower.

You got to hide your clippers and bring them with you to the gym membership you pay for just to do weird things in the bathroom.

That's right.

And so the water.

You could have a nice solid bathroom.

And the waterproofing is where that really comes into play when you're

in the New York Sports Club shaving

your penis in the

sink.

Fill the sink up,

dunk your balls in there.

You're just kind of laying there.

you're laying perpendicular with your nuts and cock down into the sink and then you got the fucking you got the fucking lawnmower 3.0 that motherfucker's whirring it's got a 7000 rpm motor with that quiet stroke it's fucking fucking waterproof and you come out your balls are looking cleaner than shit brother yeah nick you have one of these at the house can i

send you some they They sent one to me and stopped to try out.

I think US UPS lost mine.

Really?

Yeah, just didn't want to do it.

I haven't really been maintaining my testicles.

And that's the beauty.

That's the beauty, Adam, is like whether you have nice, fat, luxurious nuts like me or little tiny baby marble nuts like you, Lawnmower 3.0 works either way.

We all, you've seen my testicles.

And I just described, I have seen them.

Thank you for saying that.

And I described them accurately.

Thank you.

So trim that little junk of yours, whether you got little baby Adam nuts or big fat stop nuts, and get 20% off

plus free shipping with the code just the right code i do want to try it out uh

xxx no the code is uh come town god damn it

every time man

every fucking time i'm every motherfucking town i have to look through

30

35 emails whether you have the smallest little baby nuts of all time like adam or big nuts like me or medium nuts that are wrinkled and gnarly, like Nick.

Because they're getting drained.

You know what I'm saying?

It's not a matter of whether they're drained or not.

It's not a matter, even when they're full, they're small.

If you have balls that are

also tiny, come town all capital letters.

So, what you want to do

is 20% off plus free shipping.

Free shipping code is type in the code come town all caps at manscape.motherfucking com.

Yeah.

Oh, this is cool.

It's got an LED light on it.

Oh, yeah.

So you can trim your nuts in the dark.

Yeah.

That is cool.

I mean,

you wear it with like a little like the jeweler's thing.

Yeah.

You're like Vin Diesel in that in perfect dark.

You're like fucking James

James Conn.

James Conn and Thief.

It's nighttime.

You're fucking shaving your balls on the top of a bank.

You're on the job.

You're on top of a bank.

You're cranking a safe.

Yeah, I got to get my fucking balls shaved so I don't leave any hair on the ground.

If I leave fucking hair on the ground, they're going to be able to do a DNA test and

figure out I was a guy that robbed a bank.

Let's go, Chief.

Yeah, right before you go in there, he forces you to shave your nuts in front of him to make sure you got no bald hair that'll be left behind.

Yeah, I don't give a fucking shit.

What you do?

I'm a smooth bald fucking bank robber from fucking Chicago.

And that's the movie.

We've all seen Thief.

We've all seen Thief.

We all remember that scene

they won't give him a child.

So he's like, what about if I take a black?

What if I fucking shaved my balls for you right here in the middle of the fucking, in a fucking place?

I shave my.

Where are you from?

The fucking suburbs?

I bet nobody's got shaved balls out there.

I bet you got hairy fucking suburban nuts on you.

I don't know.

What do you got?

A black Chinese?

Let me shave his balls.

Yeah, he asked for a Chinese or a black.

He has to go into the prison, and Willie Nelson's like,

just do me a favor real quick.

Maybe you can shave my balls.

I love that scene because it's like Willie Nelson clearly has no idea what to do with his eyeballs.

He's like, let me tell you something, man.

Being in here just made me think.

I don't remember.

Yeah, I don't remember.

I remember just being like, damn, that's Willie Nelson and not even really thinking about his.

I ain't got much time.

I ain't got much time left, man.

You got to get me out of here.

I mean, it looks bizarre.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't remember.

I really don't remember, but that was a good movie.

So, anyway, if you want smooth balls like James Conn or me, uh, go to manscape.com, use the promo code come town, get 20% off plus free shipping.

Your balls will thank you, pal.

What's it like?

What's it look like?

Let's give me like, what is do you have it on you?

It's yeah, let's see the text.

Let's see it.

We got me get the text.

Yeah, go get it.

Because I am interested.

I'll bring it.

It might be one of my, one of my pews might even be on it because yeah

i'm interested in and what the what the nick proof technology looks like

what do you use you just use a regular razor straight razor i just haven't been taking care of my shit yeah

big

yeah i don't uh bush is huge i until and then you know like i said i shaved my chest but that's it You know, the rest, I leave every, I'm never going to shave my fucking beard.

Okay.

Here we go, fellas.

Yeah.

Okay.

Check out the LED.

Wow.

Listen to that baby purr.

Should I shave my mustache?

Yeah, do it.

Shave your mustache.

No, I don't want to.

Shave.

You know what?

I think now is the time for you to go horseshoe.

Nah, not yet.

Just do a little bit.

Let's take a little bit off the top so we can see.

Imagine Stav's head as a giant testicle.

Yeah, I will not be doing that.

No, we're going to.

It's a good demo, but I will.

Manscaped, come play.

Listen, you drop a fatter bag on me, manscaped, and we can can talk about shaving my head like a big fat.

No, just a little, just a square.

I'm not talking about taking a nipple for us.

Just fucking right here where it's already like there's nothing.

I'll shave my titties.

All right, shave your title.

Save your tit.

So, this is the manscaped.

If you're just joining us now for 15 easy payments of

35 cents,

if you want to,

if you're watching, 72 payments of 35 cents a a month.

And boy, and boy, is my titty smooth right now.

Yeah.

It is a good feel.

I mean,

I got my shit all like trimmed up.

It feels cool.

You feel.

It's smooth.

Yeah, it's fucking nice.

I mean, like, I've never, literally have never done it.

One time, I think I shaved my stomach when I was drunk.

When I was 22.

I'm not interested in shaving my stomach.

But I've always been.

And a trim at that.

Not a shave.

I've been like hairy since I was like fucking like 14 or 15.

My stomach, I haven't seen my stomach since then, except for that, like one time.

Yeah, never

happened for me, folks.

You're smooth.

You've always been smooth.

I'm a smooth man.

The both of you are smooth.

Stop

a little bit of fluff.

Yeah.

Stop has like.

You should have more hair.

Stop has errant hairs.

Like, he just looks like he fell on the floor while he's done.

No, I don't.

It's a nice, it's a nice layer, a nice base layer, a cute amount of hair.

Yeah.

Nothing too crazy.

He looks like he shaved his pube sitting sitting down and then farted and it got it blew up and got stuck all over his body what am i

how did my pubes get what below my ass you're sitting there you're sitting like this you're shaving your pubes and they're down here and they fart and they blow up all over your chest well stop you you typically shave your shave your pubes uh in those stirrups that women uh put their legs into at a cosmicologist.

I get in those and I call one of my roommates play rock, paper, scissors to see whose turn it is to shave my boy pussy in balls.

Yeah.

I feel it, and I gotta tell you, Manscaped has made it even easier.

OBGYN, that's got too many letters in it.

I don't think we should trust women with all these fucking letters.

There's no way what's going on down there is important enough to justify using all those fucking letters.

Yeah, five letters?

No.

Yeah, call it the whole doctor.

That's about it.

You know, fuck it.

Get out of the way, bitch.

I'll do it myself.

Yep.

What do you got here?

Look, hey, look, I fucking robbed banks fucking 25 years.

I grew up on a fucking orphanage.

I can figure out a pussy.

I go in there, I fucking take a look at it, and I say, fuck this shit.

I'll just set it on fucking fire.

I don't give a shit.

You don't want to fuck.

How's that my fucking problem?

I don't work for anybody.

I don't fucking, I don't work for you.

Just James Conner is a gynecologist from Chicago Southside.

70.

No, it's called gyno.

Gyno.

And just James Conn just chewing on a toothpick.

Yeah, I guess I'll take a look at your fucking pussy, your cooch.

Why don't you fucking show it to me?

He's got his ear on it, and he's like tweaking the clit like it's a fucking Jim Belushi safe.

Jim Belushi's just next to him, fucking like watching his breath in a shiny track jacket.

He's just in the diet.

It's cold out today.

It's fucking cold out here.

That's Belushi's finest acting moment, if you ask me.

Yeah,

you better according to Jim.

I love, yeah, I love watching people pretend to be cold on film.

It's freaking cold out here.

I'm fucking freezing.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I got a grill, boys.

Did you?

Yep.

What kind of grill?

A little balcony grill.

You already had that, though.

Because remember, we had 4th of July, and then we took pictures of your peak.

Big upgrade.

I'll send you pictures later.

Yeah, gas or charcoal?

Gas.

Nice.

Gas.

Yes,

do you like, you hate camping?

You don't want to go camping.

I'm not a camping guy.

That makes sense.

Not a camping guy.

But I'll go.

Listen, I'll get a beach house somewhere.

We can grill up, go to the beach.

Yeah.

That would be nice.

We should do that.

I should.

Why don't we do that for a week?

Just move to the fucking beach.

That'd be great.

We'd have to suck each other's cocks.

We would have to suck each other's cocks.

It's the gentleman's gambit.

Because it's got to be no chicks allowed, but I'm not going on vacation without getting my dick sucked.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, that's true.

You do the math, boys.

I don't want to see a single chick in the house.

It is crazy how much quarantine has separated the genders.

Yeah.

i'm ready to start getting top i got to be honest i'm

i don't like this i'm too i i fought my whole life to stop being inside playing video games and not getting pussy and then the and then god put me back to right where i was when i was 12.

yeah 12 through 20.

see i like it though i mean i remember being 12 and being like damn i wish i could be a guy that like fucks or whatever I liked it for the first month, but I can't do it anymore.

I miss, you know, a woman's soft touch i gotta think you're trying to put you're trying to put

your dick in the ass you're trying to put your dick in the ass of life but you realize it's actually time that puts his dick in you so true and you're like i wish i could go i wish i could go back even though i'm doing the now i wish i could just go back and unfuck myself by time

i gotta get time's dick out of my ass instead of thinking about my dick in a in a bunch of ladies it probably says that in proust somewhere i don't think anybody's read it so No one has read Proust.

Yeah.

So you get

some French

French piece of shit that fucking

set out to write the longest book ever.

And people are like, wow, can you believe it?

And it's like, this is like,

it's like, it's meaningless as a Guinness World Record.

Right.

Wait, was that really what we were going to do?

Make the longest book ever.

Tony says this sounds pretty gay.

Yeah.

That sounds very gay.

Of course, I just watched it.

That sounds pretty gay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

this sounds very gay yeah i mean i that's the other thing guinea spiral records it's like that's why i heard that name i just watched that episode like a couple days ago what the madeline the proust the madeline

the proust

is that the book is that the book that melphy i don't think you should get into it dude because it's a cookie book I kind of fuck with that.

Eating a book, a whole book, a long-ass book talk because you ate a bite of a cookie.

That sounds pretty good to me, actually.

I can probably write a pretty long amount of stuff based on a couple bites of fruit.

Yeah, you should write a book called Zen and the Art of Trying Every One of the Pepperidge Farm Vacation Cookies.

Instead of going, I decided to see the world.

Milano, Tahoe, Sausalito.

Sausalito, yeah.

Nantucket.

Sausalito is damn good.

Nantucket?

Yeah.

The best ones is the main one, though.

The fucking.

Chewy soft bake?

No, I like the Milano or whatever the fuck.

Milanos are good.

Milanos are like the oval.

Milanos are the best of the dipping cookies.

I mean, ones with the chocolate in the middle.

See, this is the thing, man.

This is

the whole trick of capitalism is thinking that you need to pick one favorite.

That's true, brother.

Once we defund the police and we can buy Milano or every type of cookie for everybody, it's like, we'll just have all of the cookies.

And you can eat as many as you want and you don't get fat.

That's a dream.

That would be worth so much more to me than like

Tesla building a moon colony or the cure for cancer.

If you could come up with a way where I can just eat Milano cookies all day long and I still look great,

that would be that what we need is a cure for being fat and ugly.

Absolutely.

I've thought many times to myself that I wish if I, one of the wishes I would have is to like trick my brain into processing broccoli like chicken wings.

Yeah.

Like I'm eating broccoli where it feels like I'm eating a chicken wings.

Fuck that shit, dude.

How the fuck have we not figured?

There's all these food scientists now they got they're like oh we made a hamburger out of fucking vegetables and it's like boring

can you make a milano cookie out of fucking

bugs bugs

yeah i'll eat bugs cockroaches like a milano cookie yeah

the fuck do i care what it's made of just go all chemicals i would have no problem dying at 40 years old from like just horrific cancer if it meant that like i'm just eating just all day long milano cookies halloween candy every day is halloween i'm eating reese's cups i've eaten an entire entire chocolate bunny.

Now I'm smoking 15 cigarettes.

Yes, sir.

You know, consuming.

I love it.

Go, go, go, go, go, eat.

Keep going.

Keep consuming.

I wish.

I fucking wish, mate.

What if, oh, here's a here's a question for you guys that I posed to my roommate, Peter.

Yeah.

What, what would, if your penis was the most delicious meal you've ever had in your life, would you chop it off and eat it?

Your p uh no.

it's leaps and bounds the most delicious meal you've ever before

it's not though because okay no is the answer right now but what about when you're 85 what about hold on what about when you're 85 what a bad question it's not a bad question what about what if you're when you're 85 you have no more use for your penis

and it's the and it's the most delicious meal of your life no they got pills dude they're sucking and fucking but it's not even about that you don't you're past it you're old you're about that you're not you don't care and it's the best thing you've, it's the most delicious thing by a factor of 10.

I don't know.

I'm thinking old lady pussy might be actually very good.

They're trying to live life like they're young again.

You can still eat pussy, but then you'd get to eat your own penis as a meal.

And it's the best thing you've ever had.

You talk to guys that have had it, and they're like, I can't believe it.

No, because and they start crying.

They're like,

you could eat pretty great meals.

No, they start crying.

They're like, I've never tasted anything close.

It's not even, it's not even.

When you ask them, what's the best day of your life?

They're like, the day I ate my own penis.

And then when my children were born, and it's not even close.

They say stuff like that.

They're like,

they're like, it's unbelievable.

You'll never experience joy like this.

And the most joy you could possibly feel is you're eating your own penis.

And I agree with you.

I wouldn't do it now.

I have too many years left trying to have sex.

But if I'm like 80 and I'm not trying to fuck anyway,

why not

i think i would do it at

least on your deathbed you would do it yeah but it would still be annoying to be dickless you know you at least on your deathbed on your deathbed you well you don't want to eat on your deathbed well i'm saying i'm saying the let's say you're just like drugs huh you want drugs well okay how about this you're like you're it's natural causes you're like 95 you're like you can feel the reaper coming and you're like it's my lat and and there's a there's a way to slice it off my dick if i had 10 minutes left and my dick is the most incredible yeah i'd eat my dick fine

thank you thank you all right thank you for saying you would eat your own you won me over sir you're gay dude i'm sorry what's that

Adam, did Adam ask these gay shit about eating your dick?

Oh, eating a penis.

Eating your own penis.

If it's the most delicious meal you ever had, would you eat it at least at the end of your life?

Like Hannibal Lecter.

I was laughing, imagining Hannibal Lecter in his jail cell, and he's got a bunch of like anime pillows and like fucking like you know, the little like figurines and Funko Pops all over the wall.

Hell yeah, like he's just got like an autistic girl's bedroom in his cell.

And he's like, hello, Clarice.

Hello,

hello, hello, Clarice.

Don't mind my Dwight Shroot Funko pops, Clarice.

Yeah, that'd be

pretty goddamn funny.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Yeah, so I got a grill.

I think I'm going to grill some calamari.

Yeah.

And then I told Ian I would do his, he's doing a show on Sirius, I guess.

So I'm going to zoom into that.

You know, you should get an octopus, dude.

Grilled octopus is so good.

It's incredible, but I think you have to beat the fuck out of octopus for a while, or like

hang it off a fucking clothing line or something.

You have to buy it to cook.

When you kill it, you do.

Oh, maybe.

Yeah.

I've just seen.

You have to like bash it for hours.

Well, to make

a homicide.

Nah, Greek people in Greece, I just see nothing but octopus hanging out.

Like, I don't know what it's doing.

Drying out.

I don't know what that is.

Dad's smart, apparently.

Yeah.

Yeah, some about octopus fucking rubs me the wrong way, honestly.

Yeah, it's not, it's too, it's weird.

I thought it's delicious.

I could have sworn we had this conversation before, and you said we did.

And you said octopus is great.

It's delicious.

I mean,

it's delicious.

It's an incredible meal, but I'm saying as an animal, they freak me the fuck out

because they're so smart.

But then yet we still have dominion over them.

Yeah.

And it's scared.

Part of me is like, is there about to be like some even smarter version of an octopus that's going to come back and get revenge?

Like Planet of the Apes, I'm not scared of because it's like we are basically evolved apes.

So, what if there's Planet of the Octopus?

I'm scared of that.

Some kind of fucked up big ass squid.

It's smart as fuck.

It's already strong.

Why do you come up here on this damn land?

And

what if they figure out how to do something about land?

Well, then

they figure out how to make missiles or some shit or some kind of, you know what I'm saying?

They get technology.

Not worried about it.

You're not worried about that

saint viachure bagel

yeah remember we went there yeah monreal

the bagels were actually very good they're fine i liked them better than new york bagels no too cake too bready shut the fuck up too bready

off

i think a montreal bagel needs to actually

be brought to the rest of the world

yeah why don't you do that that could be you i think that's my next project

gay adams bagels honestly i'm not eating that kind of food for a long time gay adams parisian bagels

um what have you been eating tacos no i've been eating fucking

locks for seven days yeah bring it to your the house of your house of mourning right there's just like deli meats and locks you must have at least gotten some of that good what's that called the struggel or whatever the kugel kugel sucks no

come on it's like pasta like a pie made out of noodles

maybe i'm thinking of something else not kugel

rugula rugula is fire yeah we had rugula yeah but it's that's your i don't understand all the shit still have to eat smoke to everything that's we have refrigerators you don't have to preserve it that should's all that shit's good like once a year yeah i couldn't do it for like i i literally my piss started smelling like locks you go to russ and daughters once a year that's fine yeah it's nice that place is nice i'd love you know what i'd love right now a little blue fish dip

that would be nice i don't fuck with any of their stuff except locks honestly really i like whitefish salad but i want rugula now that i've thought about it yeah rugula is really good

it's candy

what is rugula it's a cookie it's a dessert Yeah, it's candy.

I mean, yeah, so what?

I like candy.

Yeah.

And you do too.

I I like uh talking about that's your biggest, you know, thing in life.

You eat candy, yeah, that is true.

In a private moment between the two of us, I admitted that my biggest thing in life is eating candy, and I would appreciate it if you didn't share that.

It was not a private moment, it was broadcast to the world through YouTube live.

I know Nick is a very private person.

I do know that,

I do know that, but guess what?

that

it's time he's exposed.

And someone says, I eat candy, he likes to eat candy.

Fuck.

I mean, I can't.

I am so excited to not do this over Zoom anymore.

Not do what?

Do this over Zoom anymore.

Yeah, it'll be the same.

We'll get it.

We'll get it.

It'll be fun for a couple weeks.

Then we'll be like,

yeah, but it's so hard for me to think that I'm actually talking to people, not just staring at a fucking, another computer screen.

Why is that, do you think?

It's also too, what's that?

Why do you think that is?

There's something to be said for being in the same room.

I think it's a lot easier.

I think, I thought that, yeah, but I think when you can see each other, it's fine.

I don't know.

I don't have a problem with doing most.

Like, I think it's for the most part, it's been pretty easy to do most of these shows.

I mean, not stand-up, obviously, but like podcasts and shit like that.

It's also two, having the benefit of being able to like bail on one if we don't want to do it.

What's that?

You like bail on it if we don't want to do it.

Well, if we do live streaming, we basically can't do that.

I don't think anybody watches it fucking live, anyways.

Who gives a shit?

Maybe we don't live stream.

Fuck that.

No, definitely not live stream.

We'll upload video for sure.

I mean, you can't scale that back.

Yeah.

Because it was, you know, how it was like is where,

you know, it's like we would do it, and sometimes like an episode would just be like fucking garbage.

You know what, man, I miss the ones we did when we were in Australia.

Those were, we remember that night we watched the World Series?

That was good.

That was a great night.

I miss Australia, dude.

I keep thinking about that fucking robe in Brisbane, which I found, which I found.

I think you understand you were on pills that I was very fucked up on drugs.

I'm so happy.

You were on pills in a robe.

Yeah,

I think if we really figured it out, that is the answer.

Yeah, it's time to do pills, right?

It's time to do pills.

They keep saying there's an opioid crisis, and it's like, I don't, I mean, it's pretty fucking easy to get pills.

I don't know

what they mean by that.

Yeah, honestly, it's a opioid oasis, if if you ask me.

Sounds it's better, it's better than ever.

Three of my friends have overdosed.

That's how much

it's crisis.

The hell are you talking about?

I'm with you, folks.

Oh my god, it ain't no fucking crisis.

Damn, now I'm just now.

I got on my on my lap.

See, the other thing is, I like being able to pull up pictures of Rugala or a woman's titties.

Well, that's what here's so.

Here's what the setup's going to be.

If we do it at Adam's place, I'll bring this this, the board can go live over there,

right?

So we'll bring the board.

There's three spots for the mics,

but then there's three spots for, I have an iPad.

I'll get an iPad.

Get an iPad, and then Adam, if you want to get an iPad or you can just use your phone, and then longer XLR to like fucking whatever the headphone thing is.

And we have individual soundboards that we can set up in the thing.

Because that's the next thing is individual soundboards.

And then

whatever that fucking camera setup Lewis has where we'll just do like a round table thing and then we can split the camera set up like this and then or we just go back to fuck fuck video dude.

Who cares?

I don't know.

I mean I kind of like the video.

Do you?

Yeah, it definitely adds if you want to do like a visual element.

Maybe we could even have

you know what and then I get fucking you can have like a laptop set up for a share screen and then you can add stuff to the to the feed

you know yeah maybe

listen i think maybe we should go back to no

we go back to our roots we don't even have a soundboard just three of us maybe we're taking turns talking into a fucking a tape recorder and yeah we go lo-fi dude yeah we just go we go all the way maybe we should just all share an instagram account or share a facebook account and it's like i would like yes it's like i would like frank and tina's instagram account and we can be like boomer parents that have a joint instagram account so that the husband doesn't cheat i love that

that is the only reason to do that.

That is like there is fucking no jazz.

Every time you see that, it's like, oh, that, okay.

So she's, yeah, she's a bitch.

She's a bitch.

He's got a secret one with no profile picture.

Yeah.

He's going to get caught because he doesn't understand technology.

He's going to make his penis picture his status when he's.

He got caught because he accidentally printed out a screenshot of his

hidden Facebook on the family printer.

That's next to the oven for some reason.

Somewhere next to the refrigerator is the family printer.

Wow, great pussy, babe.

Yeah, nice.

I did himself saying that.

I can't wait to give a sweet kiss to your delicious fucking

coot or whatever, however, they talk.

Yeah, cooter.

That would be hilarious.

To say cooter while sexting.

Poontang pie.

Oh,

I'm trying to have a slice of poontang pie.

I want to put that whole poontang pie in my mouth.

Poontang pie needs to make a come.

You know what else would be funny?

Well, you're sexting to say prick.

Like, oh, yeah, suck my prick.

British people are sexting, saying like, Willie and stuff.

I think they're saying knob.

Dude, I don't know.

I've just texted with British girls, and

even they like understand that their language is fucking stupid.

Like, they're not saying fanny and that kind of shit.

I don't know.

Dude, I I watched a porno where the guy said, suck my bollocks, and I fucking just laughed.

I couldn't even come.

I just stopped.

I was like, this is the funniest thing of all time.

He's like, oh, you suck me, bollocks.

What the fuck?

Yeah.

She was getting after it, too.

She was a nice bird.

All right, friend.

Some big fat English titties.

When I was a teenager, my friend Brian found some porn video with like an Italian chef.

And the whole time he keeps going, Pliss,

oh, please, please, please,

please,

please suck me, please.

Was it the god Rocco said Freddy?

I don't know.

I mean, no, Rocco's got a command of the English language.

Yeah,

yeah,

don't you even say that about Rocco?

Damn, I'm just

the whole destroyer himself.

He's so passionate about what he does.

I'm pissed that I can't be tailspin blue.

That's what I want.

You can be tailspin blue.

I'm regular blue.

Just get a plane.

Hat, get a Hawaiian shirt.

I got a stool.

Yeah, so let's finish.

I get the hammock.

You guys get two little

stools.

Do you remember when you guys were kids?

Did you ever want to sleep in a hammock full-time when you were an adult?

Of course.

That was the goal of my life.

Every fucking kid.

I think I did.

And then I sat in one and I was like, oh, I mean, this is fine, but I'm on.

I'm on boat trader.com looking at houseboats.

Maybe you'd be a houseboat guy.

Do you have any idea how fucking expensive houseboats are?

Really?

this is skip the divorce go straight to the house this is insane how much how much is a houseboat ten million dollars three what yeah uh 2020 so 350 000 for a 1994 houseboat

that with dock fees and everything no it's just for the fucking boat yeah you don't get a slip with that

Wow, and they're all in Kentucky.

It's like, what the fuck?

How do you have a houseboat in Kentucky?

Let's see.

Now I want to see.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

These are fucking expensive.

Yeah, this is.

I don't see myself being a boat guy.

Yeah, I mean, like, for what a houseboat is, I mean, just relegating yourself to that level of trash.

You know what I mean?

They should cost $20.

Yes.

If you, if, like, the thing is, is, like, it should be, a houseboat is something you should buy from like an elderly Chinese guy in a gift shop, you know, and he's like, you can have a houseboat for $20, but

you must live in it forever.

And you're like, yeah, living in it is the part where it should be cheap.

That sounds like a great deal.

And then a month later, you're like, nobody's, nobody will fuck me in my houseboat.

I think people will fuck you once in your houseboat, but never more than that.

Yeah, you don't get any repeat customers.

Yeah, you could probably fuck a lot in a houseboat, but never anyone over the age of 23.

Just a lot of like, you know.

No, I think, I think, I don't think age is the issue.

I think it's respecting yourself and being how drunk you are.

Yeah.

I think you get plenty of drunk, like, divorce.

You know what?

It's like high young, and then it dips, but then it comes back up, and you have a lot of like divorce, trashy bitches.

This one is

swanky

of the night, 46-year-old.

Look at this one, yeah.

Teased out hair.

Absolutely.

Those bitches are fucking on houseboats.

100%.

This place is fucking swanky.

This one's not bad, dude.

200 grand.

200K

in Rogers, Arkansas.

And how does this work?

You get a mortgage?

Do you have like a water mortgage or whatever?

Dude, I'm not trying to live on a boat.

This shit looks fucking stupid.

It does look stupid, but imagine me.

Just like an anchor forearm tattoo.

That's good.

You know that.

A big cigar.

Well, what's up, boys?

You ready to do the podcast?

We have to go to your stupid houseboat every week.

My houseboat, I'm like, shit, the internet's not working again.

I'm just like pulling some line, some wire in from the water.

This is where it hooks up.

It hooks up to the ocean or whatever.

That would be good.

An anchor that goes down.

Oh, it's an 86, though.

Oh, no, 2000.

Yeah.

What's 86 mean?

I get one of those little whistles.

Let's start the show.

damn

how do you how do you make that noise i guess they have a whistle it's not just their hand i can't i can't whistle at all

you know what i can whistle but i can't right now for some reason i mean I can do this.

I can just go,

but I can't.

No, I could have never been able to go.

This one's hard.

I can't.

Or the.

Yeah, that's not hard.

You just,

you know, you keep your fingers on your tongue.

I mean, I can do this.

No, I can't.

I can't do it.

I got nothing.

Wow, big show off over there.

Damn, I'm gonna pass out

Very nice.

Very fucking nice, mate.

Yeah, it's cool.

The beard helps.

You think the beard helps?

Come on, boy.

Come on, boy.

Go on.

Get what?

Helps.

Yep.

Well, that's the whistle show for the,

how about this?

Every show from now on is us trying to learn how to whistle.

Or a different skill.

We should all do a Rubik's Cube together on the next one.

I like it because I thought

it can't get worse than whistling, but at least whistling is an audio.

I would love to show that to the fans.

People are like, Wow, finally, there's video, and it just ruins the show because we're like, Today, we're learning origami,

and then you just get fucking an hour of me being like, Mine doesn't look like a frog.

Why doesn't mine look like a frog?

Yeah, hell yeah, yeah.

Well, huh, all right, fellas.

R.I.P., R.I.P., everybody.

Check out the shirts if you want.

We got a new one up.

And then I guess I'll just slowly release shirts until I kill myself.

Yes, sir.

And please check out Stoppy Solves Your Problems.

We had Tim Dylan on this week.

Shouts out to everybody on Twitch.

We raised 15K as a channel that went to a bunch of good causes.

And it's every Friday, six o'clock.

Or you can go to my YouTube channel, youtube.com slash stopby baby.

And we got all of them.

We had Ian, we had Tim Dylan.

And this Friday with Bonnie McFarlane.

Where did you give the money?

where did it go it's a bunch of different fucking it's a bunch of different we did

he went to Boston market he went to uh it's not Boston market yeah no

not not that Panera bread at first it was Minneapolis this week I did a bunch of Louisville because of Breonna Taylor David McAtee or McCatty I don't know if you say his name but the guy that got killed by the cops

during the protest they're disbanding the police in Minneapolis yeah that's pretty tight so what's

and then what happens They just replace him with like private military contractors that are even

further

shielded by the fucking law.

Perhaps.

Or perhaps it could work out and be nice.

You know, you got to be so negative, Nick.

We can hope.

Maybe it'll be a bunch of like.

You should always be negative.

I think it'll be a lot of cute people.

Maybe they, you know, maybe they don't kill homeless guys.

Listen, when has anything in your life ever gotten better?

No.

My life is better.

What are you you talking about?

It's better right now than it was, you know.

But everything in general always gets better.

No, it's not.

Your balls are bleeding.

Your soundboard doesn't get better.

Not anymore.

Not that I got the fucking Lawnmower 3.0.

I know, but it's still going to take a while.

What's the noise sound like?

Put in the.

That's a bit of a noise.

It reminds me.

It reminds me of these guys.

How come you don't see those guys anymore?

That are like...

No, no.

I had throat cancer and it was, I guess,

it was just my problem, and now it's everybody's problem.

Now I gotta make everybody uncomfortable.

Yeah,

I used to think it was hot.

All right.

That's gonna do it, folks.

Let's see you next time.

Let's stop the show.

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