Ep. 210 – Regis and Kelly

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Well, folks, this is the podcast today.

We should have just postponed it for an hour.

We might still do that.

That might still be the answer because Stav is having trouble.

He couldn't join, and now he can't.

He's invisible.

It's been a tough year for Comtown.

There's been personal tragedies.

But this is the worst yet is now that Stav has

become too fat for the camera, which is why we can see now his virtual background, but none of his body completely fills the frame.

And so he's just now background space.

The Zoom is...

Stav,

I can't hear you.

Now your audio is not working either.

Let's go.

Do me a favor, Stav, if you can hear me.

if you're out there We're gonna you're gonna do stop video stop audio and then restart it and then try again that way God damn this zoom shit is great.

It's uh it's really cool that

That we have to use this this software and it continues to fuck up and it's no good

and

We're now months into quarantine and it's completely fucking unreliable, especially for how much this shit costs and And today, I don't know if you guys saw, but Zoom announced that

they are making it so that you can't encrypt the free

Zoom meetings because they want to work with law enforcement.

Never mind the fact that this is not the time for as as cynical as it is to fucking for any company to come out right now and and say that you know they don't like cops or whatever as if that's not a cash grab to announce that you're want to make efforts to work with law enforcement by making it impossible to encrypt the

free Zoom meetings because they don't want anybody using Zoom for nefarious purposes unless they pay money.

If you pay for it, then you can encrypt it.

So they want to make sure that they're on the up and up with law enforcement and criminals unless you pay them, which is literally you're just bribing Zoom.

They're just announcing that they're okay with criminal behavior on Zoom as long as you bribe them to do it.

And I don't know if

we're probably

unless this is just going to, we're slowly losing members of Comtown, and eventually it's just going to be me.

It's going to be great.

It'll be like

it'll be like the Bill Burr show.

I'm like, oh,

did you did you see

the fucking it's rioters and

there's people stealing

prescription glasses.

Is that I can't usually I can do Burr, but not today.

You know, let's say I'm doing

my support for Blackout Tuesday is all of my impressions will be bad.

They're not, they're going to be subpar, and that's the way, like Apple Music,

removing the browse function from Apple Music in support of Black Lives, my support of Black Lives Matter will be that my impressions will be slightly off today.

And if hopefully that frustrates the consumers.

I can hear you now.

Okay, that is cool.

I can't see you.

Yeah, I don't know why.

It is gay because your hair is finally.

People don't know.

You finally have the ponytail.

It finally happened.

Yeah.

Break their hearts.

That's one of Black Lives Matter's demands, is that you have a ponytail.

They were

covering that extensively on Fox and Friends.

Yeah.

I don't actually watch Fox News, but I guess they're already starting with like, they don't have any demands

the uh Fox that's other yeah, those are the covering

Why?

Is the camera off?

Did you eat eat the camera?

Yeah

I'm sorry.

You're right.

We need more in the words of Mark Wahlberg in these times, we need more peace, more grace,

more

we'll get, we're going more peace, more getting pussy,

and

damn.

I mean, it really doesn't matter.

I mean, this has always been a podcast first.

This video bullshit is like

I don't

Right

I don't

Yeah,

you should what you should get

You should get a picture of like you should get like um you know it'd be cool if the camera never works again is if you could get like sort of like

like an old like either like metal gear solid or like you know like fucking 8-bit

you know like with your head just

bobbling, you know,

well, like,

yeah,

yeah, some kind of Super Nintendo thing.

That would be sick.

Damn.

Damn.

What if this was like a regular bottle of soda?

Yeah, I'm getting back in the soda.

But imagine, imagine, imagine this is like

this is a regular bottle of soda, and I'm a mouse-sized.

It would be, dude.

Oh, yeah.

No, I'm just drinking like a two-liter of like

I'm full.

Yeah.

If I was an X-Men, my power would be able to change my, I would change sizes.

I keep my ass,

yeah, I keep my aspect ratio.

My clothes change too, but I can just scale up or down however I want.

Yeah.

Yep.

That's how it would work.

My name would be Sizoid.

Yeah.

That'll be cool.

I mean, more often than not, I would go tiny.

You go like pocket size.

You could just spend yeah, most of the day you could spend just like the size of a like a Christmas ornament

I mean it would be cool

the longer you live dude I would get a little like tech deck and just fucking go all over my

all over my desk all day long

yeah

yeah

yeah and then but you also think too is like you know because you're I guess your bone density stays the same because it's a material, you know?

Like

the chemical makeup of all the materials that go into you, like that stays the same.

Well, it's like, so when you get smaller, it's like you'll be much stronger technically, comparatively.

You know, it's like,

yeah, it's like.

Yeah, imagine it's like, so if you like, like, take a piece of paper with your hand, right?

Like a strip of paper, and you hold it out flat, and you can probably make it stay straight if it's like an inch of paper, right?

Now, if you had the same,

like, the same dimensions of paper, but it's twice the size, it's going to bend, and that's because, like, the rigidity of the material, the density of the material doesn't change.

You know, it's like it's the same kind of material, the same thing with like steel, like a steel I-beam this big is going to be able to comparatively,

you know, take more stress.

The point I'm making is this:

I'll be able to, like, fucking, I'll be able to, like, like, ollie off of, like, you know, do like a 15-stare.

And if I completely wreck my shit, you know, on the tech deck, it won't, it won't hurt at all.

Well, I'm not invincible.

Well, yeah, because you're tiny, so it's like, it's, there's less impact, there's less inertia.

Yeah, because the mass is so scaled down

that you're, you know, my point is, is that if I made myself like fucking, if I went too big, then my organs would just crush my body.

And that's how I kick,

that's how I kill myself.

Is I fucking, like, I just go up to 15 stories and then my skin rips off my frame and my bones, my bones all.

Yeah, I just basically melt when I get too big.

You know, so I go like King.

They're like, we need someone to fight King Kong.

And I forget that because I've been spending so much time in the Tech Deck skate park that

the opposite works the same way.

Because I've been just killing it in the time.

Yeah.

I don't give a shit about King Kong.

He ain't got shit on me.

You ever see that movie, Training Day?

Yeah, that would be my other X-Men power, is the guy who's seen every movie.

Every single movie that's ever come out, he's seen them.

And he can talk about all of them.

Yeah.

Are you still trying to figure out like what?

You've uh

you figured it out

yeah

huge huge assmen

huge fat man

huge people like is that the actor huge fat guy

is that Australian actor huge fat guy

who played

Wolver?

What's this?

What is all this principal thing?

Dude, you look great.

You look you look like a Greenwich Village artist.

Mm-hmm.

So,

Yeah, my name's

Jonathan St.

Samuel.

I make I do modern art.

I do installations in Soho.

I love that Soho is getting destroyed.

What a what a what a bitch ass neighborhood

fucking fuck Soho, dude.

I'm so jealous.

I want to be looting

That shit looks that shit looks looks hilarious.

Whatever.

Who gives a shit?

Who cares, man?

Fuck this podcast.

Fuck this shit, dude.

We should be looting right now.

Yeah.

I'm trying to.

I want to get this over with so I can get high and watch Akira for the first time.

I've never seen Akira.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I'm going to get too...

I'm going to get too high and stay awake and just watch it and be freaked out and be like, fuck.

The world is fucked up.

I'm like, shut up.

Shut up.

Just watch Akira.

Just shut up.

Have you been getting stoned?

Once or twice.

Somebody just gave me a pre-roll on the street, and I'll hit it and put it out.

Yeah.

I love that.

And it's taken like a month to smoke a single joint.

Yeah, dude.

I did the same thing, except I smoked the whole damn thing yesterday, and I went right to bed.

At like fucking 9 p.m.

I'm on my couch.

I just woke up at 3 a.m.

Like seven episodes of the Sopranos have auto-played.

Yeah.

I'm on HBO Max too, by the way.

I'm in there.

Have you seen, have you watched any Mad TV?

I watched the first episode, episode, the pilot episode of Mad TV.

I did.

It's so funny how

all sketch shows kind of get off on the same awkward footing where they don't know how to use the cast.

Yep.

It's like

there's a couple in there that are like, this is fucking fucking brutal.

The first sketch they do.

Well, first they just do one that's like the Budweiser thing, but the frog dies.

That's the big joke.

Is that the frog dies?

Yeah, the second sketch.

The Budweiser one was funny because it was like, this is just a budweiser commercial i don't know what you're i don't know what the parody is

and that's the thing a lot of our a lot of our listeners are you know the young bucks they don't remember youth they don't remember the the the budweiser frogs no no

why is there that kind of

early 90s beer commercials those guys were like

they were kings that's fuck don draper and his gay ass like it's toasted fuck that shit the 90s guys that came out of the 80s when like oh yeah they just have like brain damage from cocaine and they're like what if we fucking what if a guy what if we did a doritos commercial where a guy parachutes into the super bowl but then we actually have him fucking parachute into the super bowl that is a good idea with doritos and then and then people are like

okay i mean sure fine and then they do

sounds good man next

what does this have to do with doritos why don't we get chester the cheetah to get pussy on TV?

Oh, yeah, why don't we give him a pussy?

By get pussy, I mean the surgery.

We do a full,

uninterrupted, uncut surgery where we're giving Chester the Cheetah a vaginoplasty.

Yeah, we do a commercial right before the State of the Union where Chester the Cheetah interrupts Donald Trump and he goes, check this out.

And he's spreading his pussy lips.

But then what we actually do is we hire someone to make that happen for real.

Yeah, so during the State of the Union, and then people watch it and they're like, just like in the commercial, just like in the commercial, we would have to find some kind of, I don't know, a homeless man who would shave him and dye his body orange and cut his cock off on camera.

Yeah.

And give him a nice orange pussy.

Yeah.

Chester Beto.

Chester Betofa.

Offa.

Chester Bitoffa.

Jimmy Bidoffa.

Uh-huh.

Like Jimmy Hoffa.

Jimmy Hoffa.

Jimmy Hoffa.

Hello.

Yeah.

I'm beating off.

I.

You know, I started the whole beating off business.

There was no guys beating off before I came around.

Jimmy beat off.

Hello.

I'm beating off.

Hello, Frank Sheeran.

This is Jimmy Beatoff.

Why don't you tell me what you're wearing?

This is Jimmy Beatolfa.

This is Jimmy Beatolfa.

I could use your help beating off.

I could do that for you.

I could beat off for you.

I could beat off on camera for you.

That's very good.

This is

yeah.

Shouts out to Jimmy Bidolfo.

Yeah, brother.

In his most famous role, The Scent of Pussy.

The smell of the pussy.

The smell of a pussy.

Disgusting.

I'm gay.

Gross.

This smells horrible.

This smells like shit to me.

To me, it smells like fucking shit.

Let me smell it ass.

I want to smell your ass.

Fuck.

What's scent of a woman?

That's the one we've talked about a hundred times where he's Woody Harrelson's?

Yeah, no, that one's a indecent proposal.

Sent up a woman is he's a guy that gets kicked out of the army for smelling women's clothes.

Oh, that's awesome.

And they're like, either rape or don't do anything.

None of this pussy footing.

Either rape me or fuck my ass.

Oh, fuck.

That's so true, what you just said.

Damn.

Yeah, I should have gone coffee instead of diet soda.

Hey, man.

Chug the whole thing.

Get all the caffeine.

Yeah, I didn't have time to run.

Chug it on cam.

I didn't have time to run to the grocery store and get more K-cups.

Dude, you know what?

My dumbass roommate,

the guy who was subletting, he ordered the wrong size thing.

I have a bunch of K-cups.

I can just give them to you.

Oh, yeah.

That'll be.

I believe they're Nespresso, the full-size Nespresso K-cups.

That does not fit in the...

The Nespresso is different than Kurig.

No, but they're...

I have, I usually get the Nespresso little ones, and I guess Nespresso makes big ones, and his dumbass bought big thinking they were the small ones.

Well, do they fit in the the Kurd?

I don't know.

I'll take a look and I'll send you some pics.

Yeah, I don't want to come up to Queens and fucking

with the

way the world is out there, way the world works out there, brother.

Just crazy, just walks.

It's so funny how Queens is just there's just nothing happening.

Yeah, there's like one, there was a protest yesterday, but it was like peaceful as fuck.

No one did shit.

There was like four cops.

Yeah, like it was literally just people walked up and down Steinway

and, you know, sat in for a sec, but there's nothing crazy.

Queens Row.

The bong shop.

The bong shop boarded up and nothing else did.

Yeah.

There is because I went into Manhattan.

I drove through Manhattan to just see what was up yesterday or whatever.

And

it's boring.

It's like, who cares?

Who gives a shit?

It's like not even, you know, yeah, there's boards up on stuff and some stuff was broken into, but,

you know, people were taking

like, what got broken into like Fifth Avenue and all those stores and shit.

Yeah, a lot of shit in Soho.

I mean, going around Soho was like fucking

everything was boarded up.

What the fuck does Soho even have?

Little fucking bitch-ass jeezeks?

Yeah, just fucking gay, like, you know, it's like, like, sandals, like fucking expensive sandals.

It's just a bunch of gay guys in blackface.

They're like, look what they've done.

Yeah, I was stealing scarves.

I could not stop laughing about like a fucking, like, a place putting a sign out front or just doing it myself.

I mean, somebody would see you and it would be an issue but yeah but just put a sign out front of like the bank that says a jewish owned minority owned business do not loot

jewish owned

one of the good guys is a jewish

for every bank for every bank yeah

this is jewish owned don't

it's not white people don't own this

that would have been good man yeah Because there's stores that are putting signs up front that just say black-owned businesses so people don't smash the windows.

And it's like,

there's no, what are people going to do?

Check?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like, it's like Vincenzo's Salumeria.

Black-owned.

Don't do it.

One of them was like Finn McCool's Irish Bar.

Man, up front, he's like,

black-owned business.

And it's like, hey.

You know, I guess it depends on your opinion of your perspective.

Well, the black Irish.

Yeah, what black means.

Black.

They treat us.

You know, the English treat us like.

Just see the Irish guy getting the shit.

Did you see that of him?

That video, that guy in Philly that's like screaming or whatever.

No, what is it?

It's so funny, dude.

It's just some like dumpy old guy, and he's like yelling.

And for a second, like he has the attention of the people at the protest, you know?

Yeah.

And he's like, fucking, oh man, this is like this video of this guy makes everything that's happened up until this point worth it

i mean and by that i mean the american revolution yeah the civil war the legacy of slavery yeah civil rights movement coronavirus everything that's

been worth it for this moment and this guy fuck dude i gotta

uh you know what you talk for a second let me see if i could just find the video because

it's so fun i love that Yeah, I fucking love that shit.

Also, you know, Philly did a bunch of hilarious stuff.

There was, um, they had that like roving band of white trash that was like walking around with fucking baseball bats and shit.

That was fucking hysterical.

Yeah, I love the idea that all these people are like, there's no way they were pro-police until there was like, oh, we can fuck up some black people.

Yeah.

Nice, yo.

I mean, yeah, it's Philadelphia, but here we go.

Here's the guy in Philly.

Can you hear this?

Every black man, every Catholic,

Can you hear that?

Yeah, I can hear it.

Okay, so just so I don't know if you can see the video, but it's, I mean, you can't.

But this guy, so this guy's like, he's downtown, he's like on Market Street or something, and there's a huge crowd of people, and they're all listening to him.

Hell yeah.

Every Muslim, every person in Philadelphia needs to pray and love

and believe in something greater than yourself.

This is not about George Floyd.

This is about hate.

This is about yay.

Niggas.

Niggers come in every color.

Niggers come in every race.

Niggers alive.

Oh no.

Yeah, I know.

And then they all just start booing.

It's it's it's holy fucking shit, dude.

It's one of the greatest things I've ever seen in my entire life.

I did not,

dude.

Oh my god.

I saw the end of that video.

I had no idea there was a lead up where everyone is listening to him.

He's got everyone's attention.

I thought it was just an insane person screaming and shit, which it is.

Yeah, yeah, it is.

God damn.

The fact that he had

everyone's attention.

They're like, yeah, woo!

And then

he hits them with the big, the reverse Uno card.

It could not be any fucking funnier, man.

This thing is producing some.

You know what?

This thing is kind of finally fixing comedy because it was destroyed by Trump.

And like, Trump was the only thing that was funny for like four years.

And now the world is finding ways to be funny again.

Yeah, that's hysterical.

Like, that's, I mean, that is what I mean about the fucking those Philly people.

They're like, yeah, yo, we love cops now that they ain't enforcing child tobacco child support.

I'm all for that shit.

Yeah, that's they made a point of announcing prior to all of this that we will not be enforcing child support payments

in light of coronavirus.

Child support payments will not be

whatever had sex with.

They will not be having had sex with them.

I can't get over that video, dude.

It's it is

incredible stuff

This is not about George Floyd and you can hear a woman go what?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the that's the fucking warning sign right there

Just drops

just the n-bomb combo

just mashing the n-bomb turbo button.

Yeah

Oh, fuck, dude.

And then it's just like, because nobody's listening to that guy his entire life, and he finally has he finally has his moment.

Yep.

And just

and just blows it.

Yeah.

And he just completely blows it.

And that's a kind of, you know, it's like that that should be like a like a like a Greek parable.

You don't hear that.

There's not is there is there like in Greek mythology or

any of the dramas or tragedies like or comedies or tragedies a story of somebody that's like waited for their moment their entire life and they get it and they just completely fucking blow up.

Absolutely shit to bed.

Yeah.

No, I don't believe so, but I don't know most of them.

Because that feels like it should the prevalence of that in life.

That happens so much more than the like, right?

Than the like, you know, inspirational, you just have to work hard and one day your time will come and that's when you'll show everybody.

Like, right.

No one ever does that.

Never happens.

Three people in the world have done that ever.

Never.

Everyone fucks it up.

Right.

Nobody's, yeah, nobody handles it properly, and it's much funnier and much more human than

absolutely.

He's because, like, this guy's going to go back to living in a phone booth after this.

He just goes home to his

phone booth.

He's drying, you know, fucking boardwalk shirts from the 1980s in.

Yes, sir.

That's right.

And he's like, you know, fucking talking to his wife that exists in his head.

And he's like, I don't don't think people liked my fucking boop come in every color speech.

I don't get it.

I was trying to unite us, and that's the problem.

I thought that they would really be on board, especially when I said this isn't about George Floyd, and then sort of referred to him as the N-word.

That he just happens to be one of many N's,

that we're all, we're all,

in a way,

we're all sort of like that,

which is bad, though.

Yeah, and they come in every, but we're all, there's that version of us exists, and every type of person, he was one of them, I guess.

Yeah.

And we should not, but we, it's, you know, I don't exactly, I didn't, yeah, thank God they cut me off because I was not sure where I was going with it, I'll be honest.

It's also, too, that guy's like that kind of like urban white trash, indiscernible race where it's like if he had to put something down, it's like it would probably just be like cigarette ash.

Would be my description of that guy's race is like an ashed parliament.

Yep.

A parliament fucking ashed into a fucking ice beer, some kind of ice tall boy.

A soft pack of fucking palm malls that got

pissed on in a gutter.

That man is Ian if he never finds comedy and stays drunk.

Yeah.

You know, Ian would give some kind of speech like that.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, that happened.

That literally happened.

And then I spent like a year apologizing.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

God bless you.

I felt bad for him on that one.

Oh, yeah.

Samsies.

But hey, what are you going to do?

Yeah, there was some other...

You see France just absolutely just fucking up shit for no reason.

They protested.

They just had fucking motorcycles and shit on fire.

Oh, France loves that shit, dude.

They love destroying shit, dude.

They love it.

Especially, it's like, you want to talk about like

two things France loves.

It's fucking rioting and destroying bullshit.

And then

I guess nothing.

I can't think of anything.

Sex with teenagers?

Yeah.

You know, being owned by the Nazis.

I got a piss real bad.

I'm going to come back.

And then I got a special message for you guys about...

Actually, maybe you got do you got text?

Maybe I have text, yeah.

You can maybe you can get this one started.

Well, yeah, let me see if you can open that.

If not, I'll be right back.

Text it to me.

I did.

Did you text it?

Well, folks, hello.

I don't know what the fuck Nick was said to me, but I have some good

here.

Let me play the X-Men riff

and the end one.

Hell yeah.

I don't, I guess we're supposed to be doing a read right now.

But I don't think it is.

I don't know why the what the fuck he sent me.

I guess he sent me a read on Google Drive, but I can't open it.

But at least you can see me.

Let's be honest, I do look my hair does look gorgeous

yes it's me

sign and approved all right well take me to fucking Google Drive then you fucking piece of shit

oh my fucking god why the fuck won't it sign me the fuck in

just sign me in I gotta do a read you fucking piece of shit it is me I just fucking confirmed cocksucker now open it

Oh my fucking god.

Just let me open the thing.

Is it not working?

It wouldn't let me open it.

That's okay.

I'll have to change the permissions

on

those files.

So I was thinking, you know, everybody's posting black squares.

Yeah.

You know, I was thinking maybe what I would do is employ a black square.

Ah, I like that.

And so I was thinking about hiring a blurred to teach me how to play Street Fighter.

That's great.

Yeah.

So that is good.

That's the kind of shit we're supposed to be doing, supporting black-owned businesses.

Yeah, I mean, that's the kind of.

Well, I'm going to create a black-owned business.

You know,

this guy's out there.

He probably never even thought twice about fucking charging money to podcast hosts to get to fucking

coaching, Street Fighter coaching.

Exactly.

Street Fighter coaching.

I like that idea.

If you want to help me get, if you want to train me in Street Fighter.

Because I can fuck my friends up.

But yeah, because it's like I've always wanted to be good at fighting games.

I was never, the only one that I was only okay at was Killer Instinct.

And I remember Killer Instinct.

No one plays Killer Instinct, dude.

What was that one about?

No one fucking...

No one plays it.

It's actually sick, dude.

Killer Instinct.

Do they have girls with big tits in it?

They do.

Killer Instinct for Super Nintendo is a...

And if you like tits, actually, and you'll love Blue Chinese.

I do.

You'll love Blue Chew.com, by the way.

Oh, my God.

Blue Chew.com offers men a performance enhancement for the bedroom.

That's right.

I know what you're thinking.

What are you talking about?

A second penis?

No, sir.

Yes.

Unless that's what you want.

They're selling that now.

You get a second cock on Blue Chew?

You get a second cock on Blue Chew.com.

And you can get the first chewable with the active ingredients, sildenophil, and

whatever.

Who gives a shit what the ingredients are?

Who fucking cares what the ingredients are when you're reading the fucking

fucking bitch?

What am I putting in my body?

Shut up and take it.

Shut the fuck up.

You want your dick to be hard or not?

It's hydro.

It's hydrochloroquine.

It's good for you.

That's right.

Blue chew,

which, you know, if you get your prescription, that's great.

I love it.

If you get the prescription now online, you'll have a nice stockpile by the time the world opens back up.

Dude, I have so many cockpills just ready to go right now.

And all this shit that people used to care about, consent and fucking permission, that's out the window.

It's gone.

It's a new world.

And the United States of looting.

You know, everybody loves looting right now.

Wait till they start looting the pussy.

Wait until then we'll see who.

It's about to be pussy looting season.

We're about to get a whole sack of pussy.

And we've got blue chews going for it, baby.

So true, man.

Chewables can work faster than the pills.

It's possible.

Yeah, and they taste good.

They taste like candy.

They taste like.

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Did you see the videos from coming out of Long Island?

I didn't.

It's so funny.

So there's like protests in every state in the country.

Even in the deep south, you know, it's like people are, those guys are like, all right, I guess let them have it.

Yeah.

Let them just let them go

their right on this one.

I saw the video.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then in Long Island, it's like,

send them home.

I've been the Merrick resident my whole life and how dare they how dare they they march and say the police are bad

these fucking

just laughs how dare they love say the police are bad anyway i'm gonna go watch the sopranos and then the godfather and then goodfellas back to back long island sucks so much i know dude it's such it's such a shitty place and it's good food's not bad you can get some good food you go out there and you think it's like because it's like all of the you know it's like it should be nice suburbs, but it's like that's because it was suburbs like fucking 30 years prior to the rest of the suburbs existing, it's like this experiment that went on way too long.

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Right.

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I mean there's good pizza pie and diners.

Yeah.

There's better diners than there would be in the city but Jersey has better diners.

That's true.

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Jersey is similar in a lot of ways, but you can just go somewhere real quick and be out of New Jersey.

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I love how I just, it's like completely off.

It doesn't

honestly, that's my best work ever, dude.

Yeah, no, it's good.

It's good for sure.

I should get some sounds going, dude.

It's all about the sounds, man.

The last thing I did was that voicemail from the Iranian guy.

That's great.

That was a fucking heater.

That was fun.

I love that shit.

I was getting myself all morning doing an Indian guy in an argument, and he keeps saying,

You must exactly suck my penis.

You must exactly.

You must exactly suck my penis.

Yes.

Yes.

You are too sucking my penis exactly.

You must exactly suck my penis.

Yes, dude.

Yes.

He's just at Boston market demanding a refund for something.

I do not, I don't want to hear it.

You must exactly suck my penis.

You give me the money back, you fucking shit ass.

You must exactly suck it.

Ah, fuck.

My favorite guy.

Look, there's been some great protesters.

We've got the French people.

My favorite protester, though, was the guy.

Do you see the guy who stole a cop radio and told them to suck his dick?

Yeah, there's been a lot of that.

There's a guy that stole a horse.

That was pretty cool.

The horse is cool.

Yeah.

This guy, Raw, here, I have a his uh I went to liberty to add it to the soundboard.

That's great.

He fucking rules, dude.

Thanks, Papant.

Respect to that guy.

Yeah.

It's funny.

I didn't even like check this morning to see if more rioting happened last night.

Or looting, rather.

Fucking, what's a fucking Billy, Billy the de Blasio, Billy the tomato sauce?

Seems to really be blowing it here.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, like.

The way Corona and now this has proven that there's like back to back.

Just zero competence anywhere.

Right?

Like they're fucking completely old-prepared to handle like literally fucking anything.

The whole reason like a state exists and they can't fucking do any of it.

Just the most basic shit.

Yeah.

Well, what's funny, too, is like, and then Cuomo looks like a fucking retard.

Because like Trump's saying, like, governors better reign their shit in, or, you know, I'm going to send in the military.

And then the media is like, this is,

we can't do, this is outrageous.

How dare he say that?

And then the next day, Cuomo is like, Bill de Blasio better rein in, you know,

or we're gonna send the National Guard.

It says, like, literally the exact same thing that Donald Trump says, and people are like, with poise and grace, Cuomo.

And then today, he had to spend the day like apologizing to the fucking NYPD.

Who Cuomo did?

Yeah.

Jesus fucking Christ.

You do apologize to them for saying that they didn't do their job.

Why?

I don't like

mayors and governors literally scared the police will just start shooting them?

Um,

no,

they literally doxed de Blasio's daughter.

Yeah, I mean, I think the bigger fear is that, like,

NYPD will just be like, okay, go ahead, do whatever you fucking want.

And then, right, you know, like, sort of just stand down and let, which, I mean, I haven't really paid attention to it since the Freddie Gray protests, but like, BPD, like, they were like, we're backing off or whatever.

And then, like, crime rates, not crime rates went up but it caused problems i'd have to look into it again but it's like you don't really i remember there was like one or two days where they stopped issuing citations or something like because the mipd like literally announced we're protesting like we're counter protesting black lives matter by not fucking arresting people and then they quickly saw that it like

like fixed things you know

like crime didn't go up or whatever yeah didn't they go on strike and it wasn't a big deal yeah it wasn't a big deal at all but if you have a situation where people are already like fucking like looting and property is being damaged and the like economy has been fucked up and like there's like the governors had nothing but like disdain for local business, local businesses that are like, hey, I need to feed my family.

I need to like reopen my business.

I mean, it's like attitude like a month ago when, you know, there was a reporter that asked him, like, what about people that need to work, you know, to pay their bills?

And he's like, that's not my problem.

You know, he's like, go.

He told him to become a fucking

go get a job as an essential worker.

So, which is such fucking horseshit.

Yeah, they've had this attitude towards those people and also the fucking Hasidic community.

I mean, the Blasios just like straight up railed against them and named them specifically.

I know.

And then, you know, these protests happen, and his daughter's there, and he's like, these are good.

They're necessary.

And then today, talking about like, well, we're still on schedule to reopen by June 8th.

And it's like, what are you fucking talking about?

Hysterical.

Just open the city and we'll deal with the consequences.

Let's stop pretending that this is fucking.

just you blew it.

It's fucking over.

You blew it.

It's like

what they, the only thing they should be doing is saying, like, we need to reopen the hospital at the Javit Center.

We need that ship back or whatever.

We need to make sure that we have as many ventilators as possible.

Because again, it's like...

The whole point, like, you just erase all of that lockdown if

there isn't fucking like preparation right now to deal with the massive spike that these protests should cause if you know if it exists.

Yeah, if it's real.

I mean, it's real.

It's like it's never been that it's not real.

It's that

the peak would have happened anyways.

We would have had these cases and that whatever difference it made, the lockdown was insignificant, and the hospitals wouldn't have been fucking overwhelmed if they didn't lock down and just issue general guidelines about social distancing or whatever.

Right.

Do you think that shit's going to pop off or no?

I have no idea.

I mean, I mean,

it's like it's not nice but it's like it is it if it doesn't then i was right and if it does then i was wrong so i mean it's like if it does what i missed a lot if it does then i was wrong i mean if there is like a massive spike because it's like there was a way where it was going to be like okay we're going to ease into reducing these restrictions and it's like well that even in that context it doesn't make any sense because from the get-go it was like you know it like we can't open up until we have mass testing or we have a vaccine or something you know?

Yeah.

So it does the whole premise of opening up before that happens didn't make any sense.

But

now it's like they've blown this fucking release schedule.

You have like a shit ton of people congregating.

It's like, you know, it's like, I know.

There's no, it doesn't, it's too late.

It doesn't fucking matter, you know.

So if you don't see a spike, then it's like, well, what, is there going to be an explanation for that?

Probably not.

I mean, they'll probably get away with just saying like, oh, it's good, you know, we already fixed it.

Well, I heard, I heard what I saw is like people saying, like, outdoor transmission isn't a big deal.

In which case, like, well, then

people do shit outside.

Right, no, that is true.

And, like, that information was available to people prior to these protests happening.

It's like there were studies that say like outdoor transmission isn't happening for the most part.

Like, there were studies in South Korea that showed it's mostly people in confined spaces together for a long period of time.

It's like, there's other things.

Which that is fucking pissing me off because, like, I don't know, we were made to think, like, don't fucking do shit.

Don't do shit.

Why couldn't you stay inside?

Why couldn't businesses just fucking, why couldn't restaurants serve outside?

And we could even do, I mean, as fucking annoying as it is, you could have done some kind of outdoor comedy.

Like, we didn't have to shut everything the fuck down.

Yeah, not shut everything down, but you consider that they told everybody to stay in their homes.

And it's like, okay, well, who in this city?

is more likely to live in close quarters with a bunch of other people.

It's like, well, poor people.

And who do they happen to be?

More often than not, it's like fucking people of color.

So you have like these elevated death rates in those communities, and they're like, what could have caused that?

It's like, I wonder.

You know, it's like, you can't, there's no way you can make an argument that the virus itself is racist.

So unless you want to put it on the healthcare workers and say that they're giving substandard care to people of color, go ahead.

You can blame them if you want.

You can say, all of these, you know, these people you've been clapping for at 5 p.m., they're all racist because they didn't do a good enough job saving black people.

Or there's some other circumstance there.

It's like, you know, like,

there's no analysis of any of this shit.

Yeah.

You know,

whatever.

I mean, who cares?

No, I agree.

Who fucking cares?

I agree with you, Hall.

I'm just, I'm mad that I didn't do any looting.

I'm mad that I already.

What would you have wanted?

You're just fucking looting a fucking

linen kimono.

Like those fucking, those robes we had in Brisbane, dude.

So maybe you should have gone to Soho.

There's probably some kind of gay robe store.

I'm sure there is.

You know, I'm sure it's too late.

I'm sure all the fucking gay robes have been stolen already.

I'm sorry, dude.

They probably have been.

Imagine me like fighting with a guy and getting shot outside of

some gay robe store.

That's how the podcast ends.

I got it first.

Yeah, dude.

Is the podcast just me trying to do Bill Burr shit?

Yeah, dude.

Right.

Hey, everyone.

Somebody caves my head in with a fucking wrench over a fucking, like a linen kimono.

R.I.P.

to Nick.

He did.

He died trying to get a fucking.

He died protesting.

He died standing up for George Floyd.

That's right.

That's how we would spin it for sure.

You know, Nick talks a big game, but he was actually protesting for George Floyd and raising funds for COVID relief.

So

he's a hero.

He's dead.

He did not get his shit split by a pack of gay men who were mad he was getting the nicest robe in the gayest looting of all time.

That's weird because I mean, I'm never in that neighborhood.

I used to live over there.

I lived in Chinatown, so but yeah, the fashion of that world, it's just like it's like gay black guys dressed like dark-winged duck.

Yes, fucking Carmen San Diego.

They love that shit.

They love those big hats, bro.

Yeah, they love them.

Looking like

spy versus spy with a scarf.

Why did those hats start, like, initially?

Because they're bigger than cowboy hats.

What do you mean?

Like, in the world?

In the world.

Well, all hats have had the same basic design, and then we kind of just fucked with it for, like, fucking 400 years.

But why that big?

The sun?

Yeah, more coverage from the sun.

You know,

who needs that?

The big ass, like, Zoot suit fedoras from the, like, the, I don't know, what is that?

The 20s in Los Angeles that the Mexican guys would wear.

That's because, like, all the clothes were big.

I see.

And I think that was partially like there was like war rationing going on, so you weren't allowed to have too much fabric.

So they were like, fuck supplies.

That was their form of stunting.

We're going to make the biggest fucking clothes.

Supplies can suck my dick.

I'm dipping my clothes in oil and eating a bunch of fucking chocolate.

Hell yeah, dude.

Zoot suits were like as cool as things got here.

What about the fucking oatmeal guy hats?

The oatmeal guy hat, that's like the basic hat.

I guess.

You know, I mean, it's like a fucking just like, I mean,

I'm trying to think what

like a.

Yeah, I guess it's kind of like a cowboy hat.

I'm looking at it right now.

Mm-hmm.

There's like the.

Yeah, I guess it provides coverage from the sun.

Yeah,

like a boss of the plains hat is like the like that's like the typical hat shape.

It might be a little bit higher than

you know, but yeah, I mean, just imagine like a button dome and a flat, you know,

a flat brim.

Damn, look how cool this guy looks.

Who is it?

I'm just looking at hats, but you're hoping.

Look at this guy, dude.

Imagine being that guy.

You're just a hat model.

Oh, hell yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah.

This guy rocks.

This guy rules, dude.

Oh, wow.

I'm getting really into hat models now.

You should be a hat guy.

You got the big-ass beard.

You gotta have a hat.

You gotta have a hat.

That's the next part of the look

look at these results of all these hat models you just typed in hat model no i typed oh fuck

uh these fucking little there's some fucking horrible ones here yeah like i get the big flat like i get a big ass hat if it's like straw or something light for when you're in the field yeah but why why a big black like felt type hat that would be hot

you know what i'm saying you know style i mean there's a lot of rule i I guess style is the answer.

Why wear a track suit in the middle of summer?

I mean, ideally, you can.

Well, that's form and function.

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

You just go around in a bathing suit.

Well,

we could have a tearaway track suit with a bathing suit underneath.

That's the ultimate ready-for-anything look.

I want a nice bathing suit.

Maybe you should get one, dude.

I've never had a nice bathing suit.

I've always had bullshit fucking bathing suits.

You got a spring, brother.

Yeah.

You got a spring at least $60.

I want you to buy at least a $60 bathing suit yeah

i want you to looking cute gonna have to work those thighs out for the match that upper body though yeah i mean they're proportional i just if i no you're ripped you're you're nice up top yeah i get i want some more leg meat on them fucking

on them sticks brother yeah

i want the bitches gnawing at your fucking quads Yeah, I gotta do more squats.

The problem is you can't until.

That's why you should have looted a squat rack.

I should should have, but it's too late now.

I don't even know where to fucking get them, dude.

Go to Dick's and try and do a one-man.

Does Mac Weldon sell bathing suits?

Oh, I thought squat racks.

Um,

uh, accessories,

hats, scarves, gloves, wallets, slippers, cold.

Do they have a robe?

Uh,

they should have a robe.

Hold on, let me see here.

Maybe.

Are we about to go organically into a reed?

I mean, maybe.

I don't know.

They do not have a robe.

Fuck that.

Yeah.

They don't have.

Fuck that bullshit.

They should have a fucking robe.

And they don't have.

Oh, shit.

Father's Day is coming up.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, well, I don't give a fuck.

I just realized.

You get to fucking buy your dad some bullshit.

Yeah.

Oh, 20.

God damn it.

Now I'm pissed.

I looked at my calendar.

I was supposed to be at the Sacramento punchline.

That would have been cool.

Sacktown, dude.

That place sucks.

Sacktown.

That place sucks, dick.

It does suck.

And it's not even basketball season, so I can't watch the...

It wouldn't have been.

It would have been the playoffs, and the Kings probably weren't going to be in it.

What a dog shit city, dude.

Yeah, I've never been, but.

It's like nauseous.

How far is it from San Francisco?

I might have tried.

I mean, now I'm just pretending what I would have done.

It's like an hour and a half, I think.

I probably would have just gone, stayed in San Francisco for like a day afterwards just to hang, just to cool.

The whole city?

Receive dumplings.

The whole city feels like dying of an aneurysm.

Sacramento?

Yeah.

I've never been there.

It's just fucking shitty and boring.

And it's like, you got, it's California.

It's like California has all this natural beauty, and they just like, but they fucking blew it.

The fucking capital just sucks, dick.

Yeah.

Yeah, all I know is the Sacramento Kings.

Why do they have a fucking team?

Fuck Sacramento.

Damn it.

I want a fucking, I want a bathing suit, dude.

I want a cool bathing suit.

Dude, we'll get it.

Should I get the bathing suit from Casino Royale?

Do you want to look tropical?

What do you want to look like?

Maybe I should get the Casino Royale bathing suit.

Oh, the blue one with his cock looks nice?

Yeah, the penis.

I'm looking for something for my penis.

I want a bathing suit that makes my cock look humongous.

Can I get it?

Oh, dude, this would be cute.

Yeah.

Honestly, though, and I don't mean to say this, but

I don't know, man.

You got to work those legs out before you get this one.

My legs are...

Although your dick is bigger than you'd think.

So maybe your dick would look nice compared to your skinny legs, and you got a nice ripped upper body.

No, my legs don't look bad.

It's just, you know, they need a pump.

I'm looking at Daniel Craig right now.

He looks fucking hot, dude.

Here you go.

Here's my legs.

I got updated.

This is how bad my legs have gotten in quarantine.

They're pretty thin, but

they are cut up.

Well, the thing is, you look, your upper body's looking cute as fuck.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, there you go.

I'm sorry.

Damn, who are you sending this?

What guys guys are you sending this picture to?

Just me, dude.

That's for that's for progress photos for myself.

But I'll tell you, though.

You're sending these to Evan Williams, and you guys are both talking about how jacked you are on it.

Nonsense.

Wait, wait six months, though, until there's progress.

You know what?

I take it back.

Your legs are looking nice, dude.

Then they will both be sent when people are.

Yeah, your legs look good in this picture, but your dick looks bad.

No, my dick looks good in the picture.

I wouldn't lie to you.

I'm your friend.

You're lying to yourself.

You're not lying to me.

No, dude.

I'm telling you, you have a nice cock that looks nice to the eye, and you're not doing yourself any favors with the way you pulled it up to show your quads in this.

Well, I'm going to tell you right now, dude.

The problem is that I don't have expensive underwear.

You're probably right.

Let's solve that.

This is my promise to you right now.

If fucking Saks Fifth Avenue is looted tonight, send me a text if you're one of the looters.

Pick me up a pair of LaPerla underwear or a bathing suit.

A LaPerla Perla bathing suit.

Not you.

What do you mean?

No.

I thought we were about to go into a read.

No.

Oh.

Because I thought you were going to be like, the problem is I don't have expensive underwear.

And I thought they were going to be like, really?

Where could you get some that's quality, but not that expensive?

Oh, no.

I'm saying, if you're, if you loot Saks Fifth Avenue tonight and you want to pick me up a pair of expensive underwear, yes, get Nick the LaPerla Grigioperla blue swim trunks.

That's what I want.

And then, and then I never realized that fucking Virgil, Texas is in Die Another Day.

Or not Die Another Day, the other in Skyfall.

What do you mean, Virgil, Texas?

Virgil, Texas is like Q.

The Q in Skyfall is just Virgil, Texas.

Oh, I thought you meant he was literally in a movie.

Oh, hey, James Bond.

Good to see you.

That would be so fucking fun.

Yeah, listen, I was wondering if maybe you could kill this Russian guy that we've been having a problem with.

Damn.

How are you going to tell me my dick looks bad in that picture?

Look at how.

It doesn't look good, man.

Look at how fun.

Look, I'm saying you got a nice cock, but it doesn't shine in this picture.

Compared to this, this looks like dog shit.

Wow.

No, his cock looks nice in this.

No, it doesn't.

Dude, I can't clearly see your cock.

This picture you sent me of Daniel Craig, his his helmet is nice and, you know, I see where it is.

It's resting nice.

It looks tasty.

It looks good for the hand, good for the mouth.

We're going to have to have a long conversation.

We're having a long conversation about this after the show ends.

I'm sorry.

The thing is, I'm telling you, your cock can look nice.

It just doesn't in this picture.

I don't understand why you're mad at me for having your best interest in heart.

I'm not mad at you?

I'm postponing my anger until later.

I just want your cock to shine.

And it's not shining.

I want to come up with it.

And for you to be mad at me right now is fucked up on your end.

Honestly.

I'm not mad at you.

Because

if I was a bad friend, I would say, oh, yeah, your cock looks fine.

Yeah.

Because right now, a coward would want to avoid this reaction that I'm getting.

But because I believe in myself, I believe in you, and I want your cock to look nice in bikini pics that you take, I'm telling you right now, maybe I should just look good in this.

Maybe I'll just get bikini bottoms.

Now we're

finally getting somewhere.

just going good to get pictures of myself taken as james bond but we're like a bikini

yeah dude you just get a fucking light blue fucking g-string oh hey uh james we're gonna need you to be trans for the next uh mission the problem is is that russia hates gay people the new the new james bondens he has to go help the lgbt community in russia hell yeah judy dench is we can see your penis.

James, you have to go over there and fix them.

James,

you have to get your penis cut off.

They're unwelcome.

We're getting our penis cut off, James.

We've had enough of.

Now, James, yeah.

And then they just, Daniel Craig's only in the movie up until the scene where he gets the surgery.

This all happens in the first five minutes, and then he's replaced by Michelle Rodriguez.

Oh, hell yeah.

Oh, so he's trans and he's

transgender and racial.

So this is, I'm, this is what I look like now.

This is what James Bond is

fine.

I think

it wouldn't be Michelle.

Who would it be?

I don't know.

They'd probably make some British bitch.

Some British Michelle's too old.

I hate to break it to you, man, because I know

the fast and the furious movies mean a lot to you, but they do.

Let's see how old Michelle Rodriguez is.

About the fast and the curious movies.

Yep.

Yeah.

This is about

we're a family and we sometimes we check out each other's cops.

Sometimes we hold hands just to see how it feels.

Man,

there is a lot to go with on Fast and the Curious.

I live my life a quarter inch of penis at a time.

Dom.

Why don't I bend over and you can look into my asshole?

That sounds crazy, Brian.

Sounds fucking crazy.

You're just crazy enough to work.

Fast and the curious.

That's good for me, dude.

Ludacris and Tyrese just sucking each other's coffee.

Fast and the Curious six.

Every time they add a character, he's not gay at first, but then he's gay in the next movie.

Curious 5.

Yeah, at the end, he just kind of like, yeah, I could.

I'll look, I'll watch you guys kiss in Curious Five, like the Rocks.

Like, there's one thing I don't, I can't stand, it's these fucking fags.

Curious six, he's like, What's up, boys?

Like, it's good to see you part of the family.

Boy, I'm not doing no gay shit.

I've never had gay sex in my life, I'm not about to start now.

Okay, I could get a little freaky, whatever Whatever it takes to get the job done,

put a finky in my ass, but that's it.

Go ahead.

Take a peek in my ass.

If that's what it takes to get the job done, go ahead and take a peek at my ass.

Yes.

All right.

Well,

that's going to do it for me.

Oh, yeah, that's some good stuff.

All right, folks.

We'll see you.

I guess buy the shirts.

Come downtown.

Buy the shirts.

This Friday, I'm doing Stopby Solves Your Problems on Twitch.

Tim Dylan will be the guest.

And we'll be raising money for

fucking...

I think I'm going to start doing some mutual aid

for places affected by the protests and whatnot.

Anyway,

yeah, Friday, that'll be fun.

And then it's on YouTube also.

The fundraiser we did with Microsem comes out today, I think.

And then

we'll be going back to Australia in two weeks.

Yeah, we're going back to Australia in six days now that it's fake.

Yeah, it was so excited.

We're going to go back there.

They tried to like reschedule this for fucking like for like right now.

Yeah,

it'll be two weeks.

Yeah, and then we'll have your art back.

Did you see that?

They tried to make another Haka video go viral.

It's like the new Maori's do the Haka for Black Lives Matter.

It's like, all right,

we've seen enough of the dance.

Stop this shit.

The dance was always gay.

We gave you

a couple of tries to make it not gay.

Listen, I don't even think it's.

I think sometimes it can hit, but this is not going to be it, man.

It's not going to be it.

Especially because the one they tried to make viral was like, it was like half-fat white people.

Yeah.

Well, the last one they did was like they're doing the haka for firefighters in 9-11 or something.

It's like, what the fuck is this?

There was one, there was a funny, there was one that you would like where the New Zealand basketball players are doing it to the U.S.

at the Olympics.

And they're like, we're 5,000 times better than you at basketball.

Yeah.

This fucking gay ass dance doesn't scare us at all.

And then they beat them by like 100 points.

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, we're going to do it.

Bye, everyone.

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