Ep 209 – Summer Pussy

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That's actually gay.

It's actually don't like it.

It's actually one of the gayest things we've ever seen.

It's one of the gayest things on record.

What many experts being gay.

Many experts are referring to the gayest thing they've ever seen.

Yeah, I was over here, and apparently, when you go on YouTube, you got a sign in.

That's fucking gay, yeah.

They're calling it one of the gayest things of all time.

It just gets funnier the more you say.

What many are referring to?

Yes.

Many are calling.

Let me sign it.

Let me use my official background.

Wait, wait, hold on.

I just posted it, so nobody's watching it yet.

Okay.

And then we're going to switch to gallery view here.

Interesting.

Oh, I just kind of.

What?

And you had a sign made?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Every doctor told me.

And it doesn't make the sign.

Yeah.

Well, it doesn't make any sense.

And then you had a sign made.

To tell you, just for information.

I can see now here that when you move your hand,

the background is fake.

No.

Yeah, it's a virtual background.

Whereas you could have just made a sign.

No.

You could have easily digital.

No, you could have very easily made a sign, hung it on the wall.

You didn't do that much, which means the sign is fake.

That's not how that works, brother.

Absolutely.

We live in a digital world.

We live in a social distancing world.

This is a digital sign, pal.

There's no

string.

There's no string.

There's none of this, whatever is going on over here.

Yeah, it looks nice.

No, I dressed it up.

What you have is a fake sign

that speaks the truth.

It extends the information on it.

All right.

Well, you know what?

I actually bought a program that tells you, tells us the most true statement in the world.

So why don't I play it?

Why don't I run that program?

First of all, I don't,

for starters,

you know, we'll just,

I'm not going to refute all of the information, but I'm certain that every doctor in the world didn't tell you that.

Every single one, man.

I don't know what to tell you.

And why would you wish it wasn't true?

Because I don't want you to have a small dick.

You're my friend.

But you're my friend, and I want you to have a small dick.

Well, that's the that's what we're different kind of guys.

I root for my friends.

I root for my friends too.

I want you to triumph over hardship.

Well, I know you don't have any universal.

Who the fuck is rooting for a guy with a big dick?

I want my friends to have every advantage in life.

Yeah.

That's the kind of guy I am.

I know you couldn't handle having a small dick.

You couldn't live in this world.

I'm like, I'm quietly praying for all of my black friends to become white and prickly.

I just want them.

Dear God, please fix Marcus's skin.

Please.

His skin, it's too much melanin.

Make him white.

Yeah.

Well, the cop, yeah, speaking of that, cops have been murdering people.

And also, uh, they got that sexy birder guy.

It's funny that that's like the only thing from the pre-Corona world that's still going on.

Every other bullshit type of news story that, like, everyone stopped caring about.

It's like,

like, because, you know, seven months ago, it was like, stop the presses.

Leslie Jones tried on a mini skirt.

Yeah.

and then that's nobody cares about that anymore no not none of that stuff's happening like you know a trans kid

like

did team

can him in square to yeah fucking a picture of donald trump or something yeah but now the only thing that's still going on is the cops are like let's

Let's just keep doing it.

It ain't no problem.

I've been cooped up too long.

My murdering finger's itching.

Yeah.

Cops are like, look, the world's got to go back to normal.

Why not us?

We'll start it off, and it'll be a beacon of hope that things will get back to normal as they were before the pandemic.

Yeah.

We'll get to keep murdering people.

It's funny they're just doing that because they're bitter that, like, once again,

you know, 9-11 happened, and everybody's talking about the first responders, and they're talking about firemen.

Right.

And then,

you know, that's, come on, say us, too.

Yeah.

but we're putting it on the car, anyways.

We're putting it on, yeah.

We were there, sort of.

We were driving around, and now this happens.

They're like, now it's our turn because we got to be out here.

And then it's like grocery store guys, yeah, dude.

They got jumped completely.

Grocery nor nurses, of course, but then even grocery store guys, delivery guys, they're more heroes to me than cops.

Easy.

This is this is like cop land happening to them.

So that's for Salone, who they thought was a retard.

Yep.

Grocery store, retard bagging groceries at the grocery store.

I wanted to be a cop, but all I could do is, because I'm deaf in one ear.

All I could do is, which it's like, that never made sense to me.

It's like, I feel like you could be a cop if you're deaf in one ear, especially considering that, like, he knows all these cops.

Yep.

They're covering up for their friend who murdered somebody.

That's right.

And they're like, what are you talking about?

Rig the system to let a deaf guy in?

We'll get 30 years.

There's no way we could get away with that.

Hey, we got to do things by the book.

Now, help me grind up this child's toes.

Yeah, what if somebody whispers something sensual into his ear and doesn't hear?

And then everybody thinks we got gay cops on the

we can't do that.

We couldn't have that.

What if somebody tries to bribe him and he doesn't accept it?

He doesn't hear the bribe.

Because he can't hear it.

He can't hear it because he's a fucking ear tod.

Damn.

Salute.

Copland.

I enjoyed Copland, but it was one of the, it was a movie I saw just high as shit.

Yeah, I mean, that was like part of the when I was a teenager.

Was that Michael Mangold?

Is that who did that?

Just Jewish Michael Mann?

Yeah, Michael Mangold.

Yeah, James Mangold.

Hold on.

Mangold director.

I think that's who it is.

It was a good, it was a solid one.

Who what it Michael Rappport plays the guy who killed someone?

Yeah, he was cute in it.

James Mangold.

Yeah, somebody told me that,

yeah, James Mangold did Logan, too.

Oh,

hell yeah.

Best movie of all time, bro.

Fuck the Godfather 2.

Logan.

That's the best movie.

Yeah, and then Ford versus Ferrari and Walkton.

Oh, dude, this man has nothing but bangers.

No, he's a good director.

He's made some good movies.

Peters from James, Big James.

Yeah.

Copland, Girl Interrupted, Key and Leopold, Identity, which was was kind of a piece of shit.

310 to Yuma remake, which I liked.

People say that's good.

I should watch it.

Yeah.

Bell's great.

I fuck with Russ.

So's that

the other guy, the fucking wormy guy, Ben Foster.

Oh, yeah.

Whatever happened to Ben Foster?

What's he up to these days?

He must have gotten some kind of strange.

All those guys got pussy that didn't deserve.

I wonder who he fucked.

Yeah, he died of coronavirus.

What?

this would be a really convenient way to double up on conspiracy theories and it i guess that is what they said was gonna happen right that they were gonna kill all the pedophiles or something empty the jails yeah i mean that's kind of that's got to be the end of q and on

that's that's the point where you got to be like okay this is fake

I feel like they're going to marshal on, brother.

I don't know.

What could they possibly, you know, just pay attention to the clues?

I know we said that there were underground tunnels where they were arresting,

they're going to arrest all the pedfiles and it didn't happen, but that's just one of the clues.

It's part of the clues.

It's part of the clue.

The clutality of a Q genius.

Yeah, shouts out to QAnon.

They really are all keep, hey, keep digging, brothers.

You're almost there.

People keep saying this Karen thing is like,

they're like, it's basically like using the N-word.

I love that.

Which,

I mean,

can we start using it that way?

Yeah, because I've seen Karen fly.

If we can say the, if it's like the N-word, then what the hell?

Yeah, there was a couple of, oh, shit.

I got you, man.

I knew I forgot something.

I got you, bro.

Go ahead.

I don't know.

What I forgot to do was record the podcast.

That's all right.

We can get it off the feed.

What minute is this?

Minute fucking seven?

I clapped hard as shit.

We'll get it off the feed.

We'll just wait until somebody else steals it.

Yeah, we'll just take one of it for us.

One of the sole ones and re-upload it.

Yes, sir.

Damn.

Honestly, it's crazy how quickly something is fucking, a word becomes fucking horrible and useless.

Yeah.

I hate, I don't want to hear about Karen anymore.

People say,

put it this way.

I don't Karen.

Karen.

The only Karen I'm interested in is the big titty bitch from Will and Grace.

How about care ends?

And it's C-A-R-E hyper,

high,

hyphen, hyphen, and then N, and then an asterisk.

Okay.

You got a bunch of care ends all over the timeline complaining about something again.

Because they care.

Yeah.

So caring N-words, caring is what you would classify them as.

Someone who cares about anything.

Care and, yeah.

Yeah.

What is it?

That's something.

I think if you say Karen, you should have to post a picture of Megan Malally with her tits out.

Because I'm thinking about her from Will and Grace, and I want to see them.

I want to see the fucking girls, the big fat titties.

Yeah.

The bird guy was hot, though.

I will give him credit.

Even though he was a nerd.

You see him?

Which bird guy?

Well, so because the cops murdered a guy, they up the racism times a thousand versus that lady who was going to like call the tried to essentially get the cops to murder that.

Oh, the guy that made the video.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot that he was a bird watcher.

He's a bird watcher.

He's a fucking nerd.

But he was hot, dude.

He was ripped.

Well, that's what I was thinking.

It's so funny.

It's like we see the other side of the video, and that guy's like seven foot three, and he looks like Ronnie Coleman.

And he's just like, like.

He's like, I was doing my knife tricks.

He's just got like a

Kente cloth shirt on that says, I eat white bitches for breakfast.

And he's just taping her.

He's like,

can you put your dog on the weather,

please?

And she's like,

please get away from me.

Please.

Yeah.

This guy's just the scariest looking dude of all time.

But with such a cute voice.

Right.

Well, because the voice makes you, you're thinking like, you know, fucking CeeLo Green.

Yeah.

That's what I was picturing.

Just a guy with like a scarf on and a little like

session musician hat.

You know, like a little, like a fucking pork pie hat with feathers on the side.

Yes.

A little fat guy that loves watching fucking hummingbirds.

Right.

He looks like he's just wearing nothing but samples from Diane's fabrics.

He's just sacheting around the park.

I'm trying to watch birds.

Can you make your dog please tell your dog to stop?

He's scaring the birds.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, what are you going to do, man?

Shouts out to America.

That video is great.

That's an all-timer.

Yeah.

I'd actually watched the whole thing.

There's an African-American man threatening my dog and my life.

Threatening my life.

Yeah.

What a dumb bitch.

It's great because it's like just this fucking like storm of the worst kinds of people in the world all tattling on each other to death.

Yeah.

It's just the natural end to the tattletale Mexican standoff.

Yeah, yeah.

Because honestly, it's like even if that woman had not made that call, then that guy's a fucking asshole.

Yeah.

Do you give a shit about that?

Yeah.

Like

who cares whether the dog's on a fucking leash?

Well, apparently the reason they have to be on a leash is because they eat birds.

Dogs eat birds.

So her dog was eating a bird?

I don't fuck.

I didn't actually read anything into it, but apparently it's the reason those leash things are there because dogs go buck wild and fucking.

Even if.

And let me ask you.

If you were walking through the park and you saw somebody without their dog on a leash, would you start making a video and trying to shame them on social media?

100%, no.

Of course not.

So that's...

Oh, so he just made the video without even asking her beforehand?

I have no idea, but I mean, even if it's like...

Truly, I would not.

Yes.

I wouldn't even say...

If somebody was cutting in line for a claire's.

Yeah.

For, you know, something near and dear to my heart, the way this man cares about birding.

Yeah.

If it was, if somebody stole one of my tokens for the getting pussy factory,

which is something I hope exists, yeah, maybe I'm taking my phone out.

I'm saying, excuse me, I was in line to get pussy and eat a clair's before this person.

Maybe I would.

I mean, because

the other way that video goes happens probably all the time, which is like fucking him making that video, putting it online, thinking he's going to shame her, and it doesn't take off but it's still causing all this fucking undue stress to this woman that's just like just walking her dog and letting the dog off the leash in a fucking empty park

there's nobody there right right right right i mean it's like you you are being a fucking tattletale and the dream was exactly you got exactly what you wanted out of the lady they're a beautiful it's jordan and pippin dude it ends each other it ends with him going thank you

because it's like oh now i get to be famous yeah he just had i'm sure he he was like, fucking, it was Christmas morning the second she said, there's an African-American man threatening my life.

Oh, dude.

Absolutely.

That's, that's tattletale.

That's the, that's a tattletale fucking.

You batted for the cycle there.

He hit a fucking tattletale grand slam with that one.

You hurt me.

It's all the same people.

It's all the same fucking people.

And they created a tattletale world thinking that there was more than one spot for the teacher's pet.

That's right.

Doesn't exist.

Nope.

You're going to have to.

Yeah.

You wanted it.

You wanted the gauntlet and you got it.

He, yeah.

It is funny how racist you have to be to make people side with a fucking tattletale nerd who loves.

Well, they're all, they're all the, yeah, they're all the tattletale.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I know, but her tattling is racist, dumb bitch tattling versus his.

I mean, she's, yeah, she's fucking stupid.

Threatening my life.

Yeah.

I mean, that's not a card you ever pull.

Like, if that's what I'm saying, I mean, even your mind would go there.

She got mildly inconvenienced.

She was like, I'm going to get the cops to kill this mother.

You threaten the person with your fucking dog.

That's as far as if you want to be a piece of shit.

You're like, get him, boy.

Sick him.

You fucking sick the dog on the person.

And you know, if the cops had killed that guy, she would have been crying and been like, he tried to rape me.

Can you imagine what would have happened?

How much she would have lied if there was no fucking camera, if there was no video, dude.

Yeah.

I mean, she made that call and the cops were in Prospect Park like two minutes later beating up a 14-year-old from Sri Lanka.

Like, we got him.

We found the guy.

Yeah, we got him.

They just go to a fucking jungle gym, a small community jungle gym, just beat up a child, a baby, a black baby.

They got a super soaker filled with piss.

Just spraying a baby in the face with urine.

We're responding.

We're first responding.

We're doing essential work.

We got him.

Yep, we got him.

Check.

I'm sorry.

Hold on.

Yep, we got him.

We got him.

We're fucking up, little black boys.

We got a super circle full of piss, and we're going to shoot it into his mouth.

Also, Nick's gay.

What?

Was that last part?

Well, the cops are liars.

Everyone knows you're right.

Yeah.

You meant he was straight.

Oh, what the hell?

So if they lied.

Yeah.

Yeah, fuck that lady.

It is funny.

She was like, she worked for an investment bank, and they were like,

we can't have a racist here at this investment bank.

At this fucking...

Yeah, only

we only want the most upstanding people fucking getting people out of their homes.

But upstanding.

I don't think we have a read today, but I finally got the

Mac Weldon finally came through with the

shits.

whatever whatever I was talking the check

not the check the uh underwear yes nice yeah they were supposed to give me a code a couple weeks ago when they did the other read and it didn't happen but I got it now hell yeah dude I got some underwear company and we got a new sponsor I gave them your address it's a surprise oh really hell yeah

I don't know

it's probably the least useful thing for you

What is it?

Well, you'll see.

We'll do the read.

I'm sure you'll find a creative way to use it.

Okay, exactly.

And it's only just recently become a thing that I can use.

Interesting.

Oh, it's all okay.

It's something to have gay sex with because you just became hot enough to have gay sex.

I just became hot enough to have gay sex.

I get it.

That makes sense.

Yeah, I won't have any use for that.

That's for sure.

That is interesting, though, because I actually bought a program for you.

I got something for...

It's nice to just be like being like just getting my foot in the door into being gay hot.

How does it feel?

Like it took a decade to become like to cross the boundary from like regular hot to now just being like a gay two.

Yeah, absolutely.

Hey, come on, man.

You're a gay six.

Yeah.

Just

just like working in the mail room at gay ink.

Like,

yeah, here, first thing in the morning, ready to work, boss.

Anything I can do for the company, I'm ready to move up.

Finally, you don't look disgusting.

He spits in your mouth.

Just filing letters in some 1930s fucking some big building.

There's steam.

It's early morning.

Yep.

Just taking big

scoops of cum and putting it in different fucking

pneumatic tubes to go into different

gay bosses' cups of coffee.

Now I want to rewatch Hudsucker Proxy.

Mm-hmm.

With my shit.

Tim Robbins invents a hula hoop.

Interesting.

Yeah.

That's the whole movie?

Yeah, that's my synopsis.

Hash.

Yeah.

No thanks.

It's one of the shittier Cohen Brothers movies.

Oh, that's them?

Mm-hmm.

Damn.

I just watched Barton Fink.

Love it.

Solid Ass Flick.

It's one of my top ten movies.

Love that.

Love Frasier's Dad in there, too.

Yeah.

Love to see Frasier's Dad cutting loose, being a good actor.

Yeah.

Not just being like, boom, my sons are gay.

Yeah, him as that fucking Faulkner character is like amazing.

Yeah, he rules.

When he's just fucking throwing up in the bathroom from alcohol poisoning, and then he comes out, a good afternoon.

Dude, that was the dream.

Imagine if that system existed, dude.

Somehow, off the strength of this dumbass podcast, we get to just have a contract with a film studio and they just bury all our work and just pay us to do nothing.

Yeah, I don't know if Faulkner actually wrote movies and if that's based on like a true story story or something, but there was a period where it was either like Fitzgerald or one of those

that era of like esteemed writers had a period where they were just writing pictures.

But yeah, you just go out to Hollywood and just pump out garbage.

Yeah.

Like literally because they didn't couldn't have algorithms.

If they had algorithms, they would just use that.

Yeah.

But it didn't exist.

They're like, listen, Faulkner, we need a wrestling picture.

Yeah.

He either needs to get pussy or he's got to have an adopted child.

Yeah.

Love that, dude.

Yeah.

I wish I could do that shit.

And then get pussy from my secretary.

There's so many great

performances.

That fucking scene with, I don't even know that actor's name, but the producer,

the big studio head, when Barton first gets.

Oh, that guy rocks, dude.

That guy is so fucking good in it.

Yeah.

He's unbelievable.

That's such like a, it's such a Hollywood vibe, which is like, we love you.

Everyone's obsessed with your shit.

We can't wait to see what you do.

And then in the second, it's it's not like

exactly what they say

what the fuck is your problem you're actually my enemy and i will kill you i will kill your family yeah

i loved it i loved i uh all the uh internalized anti-semitism that was a nice part of it also yeah them just saying it to each other the canceler

That guy rules.

What else?

Yeah, where is it?

What else has that motherfucker been in?

I don't know.

Probably on Wishbone.

And Tony Shaloub out there?

Tony Shaloub.

A lot of people are horny for Tony Shaloub, I feel like.

What do you mean?

I think that's out there in the Zeitgeist.

Is that a Nazi word?

Zeitgeist?

Yeah, I mean, it's German.

But

I don't think it's Nazi.

I think it just sounds cool.

Zeitgeist.

Were the Nazis using it ever?

No, it feels like too

too about gay stuff for the Nazi.

The Nazis weren't about culture and stuff, you know?

They were all about,

you know, killing gay guys and Jews and gypsies and stuff.

Okay, Michael Lerner is an American character actor.

Nice.

Nominated for an Academy Award for Best Support.

Michael, I'm a Lerner How to Suck This Dick.

Barton Fink.

He got nominated for that?

Yeah, he got nominated for Best Supporting Actor for Respect.

He deserved it.

Let's see.

What else is he in here?

He's in a movie called.

He's in a movie called Busting.

Woo!

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

It's a 1974 film directed by Peter Hyams and his theatrical debut, starring Elliot Gould and Robert Blake as Los Angeles police detectives.

Oh, hell yeah.

Oh, he's the inspiration for Starsky and Hutch.

Wow.

Let's see.

At what point do...

A couple of detectives that could not help but bust in their pants?

Yeah, I mean, I'm hoping

they're famous for coming.

Is it a comedy?

Do they bust?

What is this?

Do they bust?

Do they have?

Gould looks like he busts.

Mr.

President, do they bust in the movie?

In the movie, busting.

Yes.

Mr.

President.

Let me be clear.

Yes, they bust.

And they're gay.

Michael Butts, Butt Cheeks Liano, Channel 6 News.

In the movie Busting, do the characters bust in their pants?

Yes, they do.

And also, Michael, you're gay.

Dude, I actually talked to Barack Obama and I asked him

what's one way that we can solve the panic.

What are two things we need to solve the pandemic?

And you know what he told me, Nick?

What?

Gotta have them ribs and pussy two.

Wow.

That's really interesting, Mr.

President.

Is that from his book?

No, I don't know.

I just saw it on the internet.

Gotta have them ribs and pussy two.

And honestly, I respect that.

That's actually, that's what I think you have to have, too.

Somebody should teach Donald Trump a uh like to get him to do like a perfect Barack Obama impression, and then he's just doing Obama every presser.

How funny would that be?

He just breaks into it.

Oh, I don't know about the virus, but I'm gay.

Hey, everybody, it's me.

Who remembers me?

You know, he's sucking dick, folks.

You know, he's being gay.

That's good.

Is that your Obama face?

What is that?

Is that De Niro Obama?

Hey, it's

I'm fucking the parents over here.

Hey, I'm fucking meeting the parents.

Yeah.

The parents.

Ben Stiller's gay.

You gotta meet the parents.

De Niro Obama, everybody.

You gotta, when you, when the parents show up, you gotta meet them.

Okay?

It's that simple.

You can't get away with not meeting me.

You gotta meet the parents.

You gotta meet the parents.

Speaking of one of the gayest-hero movies, not even a good teen-year-old movie.

You gotta.

And I'll say, I've said it before, I'll say it again.

I'm a dirty grandpa.

I'm getting pussy

from that one bitch who's in every comedy for five years.

You got Rocky and you got Bull Winkle.

And they're friends with each other.

You know, there's bad guys.

Bad guys in the movie.

Can't fuck.

You can't be a bad guy.

You can't be a bad guy, Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Did you see Rocky and Bullwinkle?

No.

He's in it.

He's the bad guy.

I think so.

Yeah, hold on.

Nice.

That feels more like Danny DeVito to me, but probably not.

He's probably too slight.

Oh, fuck.

It's hot.

The movie, yeah, it was him and like Fomka Jensen as the bad guys.

Why don't you funk my dick?

The adventures of Rock and Bullwinkle,

2000 American Live.

yeah,

live actors, Robert De Niro, who also co-produced the film.

Oh, look at Bobby D getting in the mix.

Boris Badenov was Jason Alexander, and Natasha Fatale, Renee Russo.

Okay, Rene.

I don't know.

Yeah, it was not Fomka Jensen.

Who's not Fomka?

Yeah.

She was so hot, dude.

I don't know who that is.

I don't remember who that is.

Yeah, you do.

You know exactly who Fomka Jensen is.

It would have been nice to have been married to her from like 1999 until 2003.

Oh, yeah.

And then I go back to rehab.

Oh, damn, she's hot as hell.

Was.

You wouldn't smash now?

Absolutely not.

She went off the rails with surgeries and stuff.

That's a big shame.

That's a shame.

Going off the rails surgery.

Sometimes, you know, just age gracefully.

We'd still let you suck us off.

Guys like us, good guys.

Guys like us.

That's our movie.

Just a couple fellas.

Let an old woman suck us off.

Yeah, provided they haven't had any fucking plastic surgery.

I'll tell you that.

Too bad you got plastic surgery and ruined it.

We can't get plastic surgery.

If a bitch gets plastic surgery.

This is a very vague impression.

It's just Obama.

You're doing your eyes like De Niro.

You talking to me?

No.

But Obama's always saying stuff that's like, he's just mentioning Robert De Niro.

Are you talking to me?

Are you talking to me?

I don't see anybody here.

Else here.

You can't talk to me.

Can't be talking to me.

Did you fuck my wife?

Yeah.

It's other suggestions.

We can tell you, Fomka Jensen is Gene Gray, Gray, Star Trek, Sophie Turner, James Martin, actress, Hansel and Gretel, height, beautiful, surgery, the faculty, wallpaper, taking

the Wolverine thigh.

What's wrong with the thigh?

Yeah.

There's some nice fake nudes on here from her.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Is that so?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, there's some good fake nudes on here.

Yo, Famka, come over here and suck me off, please.

Famka Jensen, how about fuck my ass in?

Funk.

That is correct.

Funk

assing.

That's right.

That's right.

That's right.

Oh, fuck it.

I love these.

I love the way you Google any female celebrity, and it's like you,

no matter what, there's always what comes up: is

Famka Jensen, completely unrecognizable as old bitch.

Some dumb bitch got old.

Jane Fonda, absolutely.

You will be shocked to see how much of an old bitch

she's turned into.

She once had a juicy pussy.

Now, dried up and no good to anyone.

Yeah.

She was married to Todd Williams.

Who the hell is that generic ass name?

He directed Paranormal Activity 2.

Wow.

Damn, dude.

Famka fell off.

She should have gotten married to somebody better.

Somebody better.

That's why she had to get those surgeries.

She wound up, not even the first paranormal activity.

Yeah, that one was actually pretty good.

Yeah.

Fuck Famka, dude.

I'm out on her now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's canceling.

She's a dumb bitch.

But they should let guys do some canceling.

And we're canceling women

getting old.

Can you imagine that?

The New York Times headline.

Controversy surrounds Famka Jensen looking gross now.

So we've talked to everyone in her life to demand accountability.

We've quoted, we've quoted powerful men.

We've quoted everyday men as saying, yeah, I don't know.

Just, I can't even get hard anymore when I check off to her pictures.

I can't get hard to her pictures anymore.

When, when is she going to be held accountable for me not being able to get hard when I look at her pictures anymore?

Yeah.

That's what I want to fucking know.

When are we going to get our, It's our turn.

It's our turn to cancel.

It's our turn to cancel.

Sandra Bullock, you better keep it tight.

You're on my radar.

The summer of guy canceling.

I found out somebody was a lesbian, canceled.

Yeah, I was trying to fuck that girl from Twilight.

I was going to put vampire teeth all on my shit and have her suck me my dick, but turns out she's a fucking lesbian.

There was something I, I don't know why, I was trying to look something up when I looked up Fob Kajensen, and now it's

escaped you my brother everything I've had a lot of things escape me today.

I feel that I've taken I took some Adderall to clean my room and honestly I've just I just got very focused and just beat off to one person like I just you know when you're scrolling X videos then you go through a whole like hmm Let me find this person's entire body of work.

Yeah.

Jacked off to the best picture.

Not a long time.

I don't do much beating off anymore.

You don't beat off anymore?

I'm too subdued.

I got up.

I've been getting up early you can't use any of your life force to beat off no now now my new thing is i wake up ass early 5 45 a.m and i start doing yoga whoa what are you doing i'm doing whatever i got some down dog app that everybody recommended okay is it good

uh we'll see i mean i'm like so like inflexible or whatever that i just need to see like what like establish some kind of like baseline to progress from because just everything is like

everything's fucked up i want it i want it so like when quarantine ends if i can ever get back in the gym to make sure that i'm like as lean as possible and then also as mobile as possible love that so because you know

i'm like in my 30s it's like i can't really get away with like gyms back open now i'm gonna go in i can't touch my toes and i'm fat and i'm like expect anything other than to just like get slightly less fat or more and then injure myself right right right right right so so you're trying to be flexible you're trying to have a dancer's physique in your 30s 30s.

Yes, I love that.

Just a little ballet, dude.

You start wearing tights everywhere, tights, start putting like a little salami at the front of it to make your dick look bigger.

Yeah, just wearing just but a salami that goes all the way up to my chest and pokes out of the top of the

taking bites throughout the day.

The leotard, just sucking on the tip of it.

It's where I keep my meal.

I'm on a diet.

I'm on a diet.

I'm getting lean.

I'm fucking.

I can't eat it.

I fucking.

It's a snack.

You're just sucking the juices.

It's to keep me on my fucking diet because I'm getting lean for when the gyms reopen.

In line at the fucking post office, wearing nothing but ballet tights and a fucking big ass, a fucking six-foot salami.

No, I don't have anything to mail.

I'm just hanging out.

It's under your mask.

I'm just hanging out.

You're just sucking off a pepperoni under your mask.

People are like, New York's back.

We got New York back.

I love that guy.

Nature's healing itself.

New York's turning back.

Nature's healing.

A guy deep-throating a pepperoni.

A guy in a bow

outfit hanging out at the post office,

sucking a salami out of his shirt.

Hell yeah.

I decided I would have sacks.

You have the guitar.

I get the sax for a good riff.

Yeah, my soundboard's a good riff.

My soundboard's busted.

Oh, that sucks.

I mean, it would take two seconds to fix, but I haven't in nine weeks.

Sorry, man.

Don't worry.

I got it.

Nick is gay.

That's cool.

The kick is gay computer.

Yeah.

Should I run that again?

This is the most work you've done for the podcast in four years.

Do you want me to run the computer again?

Because it might have been wrong.

No, it's cool.

You should

make music.

Would you get like a little vocoder?

Is that just all like one app?

It's one app.

Yeah.

I was thinking about getting a vocoder to plug into this thing.

I would love a vocoder.

I'm going to get like a whole like Apex twin setup.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Hell yeah.

Never.

The fucking technological fucking arms race has begun.

Yeah.

I

want to get my big stuff.

That's like an 80s style.

That's cool.

But this is just standard.

Just regular.

I can't wait, dude.

Hold on, dude.

I want to run it again because, you know, it said you were gay, but I just want to double-check.

You're my friend.

I want to make sure.

I just checked again.

He's even gayer than I calculated the first time.

I'm sorry, dude.

How many things?

Is that it says a soundboard?

What do you got on there?

Yeah, I got a soundboard.

Damn.

I got a soundboard.

That's a full-featured soundboard, man.

I know, dude.

It's fucking tight.

That's very nice.

Gotta have them ribs.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hell yeah, dude.

That's great.

God damn.

I love it.

Those are really good soundboard selections.

Thanks, dude.

I want to do it, but I want to have an iPad that plugs into the board.

Yeah, it's like a dull separate thing.

An iPad would probably be good.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, it is the most work, but you know what?

I enjoy.

I just,

it's fun to have sounds.

Yeah, because it's like, that's how we do.

You know, we're living in a digitized world now.

Digital world.

You got, for example, you get digital signs that are true.

It's funny.

It's like we're finally living in the technological dystopian nightmare they predicted in all those 80s science fiction movies.

Except

we don't, nobody says, you know, gay 80s slang.

Yeah, that's true.

And TVs are flat.

That's true.

But it is basically this, yeah.

Yeah.

You know, they're going to track us on our phones, dude.

That was the thing, too, is like they, in the 80s, they could make the world look like a dystopian technological nightmare only because the technology at the time sucked.

Right.

So they would project their own shitty technology into the future.

Yeah, big-ass fucking cathode TVs.

Right.

They're like, imagine you just have to talk to your family through this shitty box, and it's like, okay, well, my regular TV is like 8K.

So

I can see the pores on my grandma's face.

Yeah, I have a 75-inch screen.

I can get closer to my grandma that I could in real life because she would die from the disease, and also she smells bad.

She smells like, she already smells like death.

Them teeth are looking fucked up.

I'll tell you that much.

Last time I saw my grandpa, he asked me to clean, like, fix his vacuum.

Nice.

And it's just filled with death.

There's just like decaying, just skin that came off of them.

Old man, dead skin.

Ugh.

Yeah.

No.

How much more vacuuming can you possibly have to do?

Man, stop.

Eventually,

you're going to suck yourself into this fucking thing.

That's right, brother.

Just chill.

You're done.

You've got maybe three more vacuums left in you, and you want to fix this thing.

Get into a boat and just fucking set sail, never come back.

That's it.

It's crazy.

You get to that age and you're still doing bullshit chores.

Oh, I will.

I barely do chores now.

I'm not doing chores no more.

You can count the days you have left.

Probably, what, 78?

And you're like, oh, fuck.

I got to go get stamps.

It makes you feel...

Well, people also say like it makes you feel vital.

Some people can't retire, but believe me, I'll be able to retire, dude.

I'm the king of not doing shit.

I love not doing anything.

That shit rocks.

I'm going to be one of the people that goes nuts.

But I'll probably just have a heart attack when I'm like 55.

True.

And I live in the woods and no one's around, so I just die from like a very mild heart attack.

Yeah, it's very treatable.

You probably could, if you just chewed an aspirin in time, you would have been fine.

Yeah.

But you have no more aspirin because it's all f owl feed.

I do want a young child around, though.

Somebody to cry and try to resuscitate me.

Yeah.

And I'm like, I'm not even dead yet, but I'm still pretending to be dead.

Yeah.

I die eventually.

But even

leading up to that, I'm like, like, let me just scare him a bit.

Let me just test it out.

Yeah.

This child I stole from an orphanage.

Yeah.

Oh, wait.

Nope.

Yeah.

Now I'm gone.

I'm dead.

Now I'm really dead.

Yeah.

I'm dead.

I'm dead.

I'm dead.

I'm dead.

I'm going to make him an offer.

He don't refuse.

It's me, Nicholas Cage Obama.

I'm bringing out the dead.

It's a national.

Pussy and barbecue is a national treasure.

Nicholas Obama.

Nicholas Obama.

Cage of a.

Pussy and barbecue.

Pussy and barbecue.

There's only one national treasure.

It's pussy and barbecue.

That's true.

That's true, Nick.

Nick Cage.

The founding fathers, they drew a picture of pussy on the back of the Constitution.

It was originally written in barbecue.

They were really busy.

They had to jack off to something.

The original Constitution was written in barbecue sauce.

Thomas Jefferson actually fucked so many of his slaves, he became black.

You won't find that anywhere.

Yeah, they're like, yeah, most of National Treasure 3 was ad-libbed by Nick Cage.

The budget, you know, the studio, they knew it would be a smash hit, so they actually gave us $8 trillion to make the film.

And we basically, we let Nick Cage riff it out for 17 hours straight on a Pez binge.

He fucked up his insulin with a, he found a whole lot of vintage Pez dispensers complete with candy on eBay.

He ate them, went into diabetic shock and had a fever dream and just ad-libbed the entire movie.

And then we CGI'd it around him.

We spent most of our budget on Black Face CGI so you could play Black Thomas Jefferson.

Yeah.

But it was worth every penny.

Smash it.

Billion.

The only way to get around China.

We have to get around the security cameras is I have to dress up like Thomas Jefferson of Blackface.

It's the only way to do it.

Get around there's lasers.

Only one man's face was programmed not to set them off, and that's black Thomas Jefferson.

Yeah.

It was crazy how there was like laser grids in every movie.

For I know it's like it's like it's so funny that like the entertainment industry is like hyper obsessed with intellectual property and then you know they had like a whole decade of like maybe we should put grandmas in jail yeah for for you know their nephew downloading fucking movie did it again

yeah

and then at the same time every movie is just stealing fucking like nine every movie has a grid every movie did the matrix thing for like of still some are still doing it yeah then every comedy parodies it and every parody steals everything.

How many times have you seen say hello to my little friend in some form or fashion on a fucking movie?

Yeah.

Yeah, things suck.

Fuck that, dude.

It's so funny.

It's like to think back.

It's like, did I have a good time ever in my life?

No.

Yeah.

No, so.

Not consuming anything.

Because we were talking about it's like, you know, oh, did like, was it the thing?

And then you go back and it wasn't.

Actually, that's not true with comedy.

Comedy did definitely get fucking worse.

Yeah, it was fun.

Yeah, no, I mean, you go back and you watch stand-up specials from like 2001, 2002.

They're just infinitely better.

Yeah, for sure.

I mean, there's actual jokes in them.

Yeah.

Oh, and then that's going to use some new shit.

Douglas, dude.

Douglas is popular.

Have you seen the trailer?

No.

I saw someone screen capped it, and it was like she was going off on Hogwarts.

Yeah.

Well, she's like, she's like, if I had known trauma was such a marketable blah, blah, blah, I would have gotten raped more than once.

I mean, she doesn't say that, but,

you know,

that's funny.

To paraphrase.

No, it's just.

She says she got raped twice.

No, she just like has run out of, she has nothing to complain about.

She has no point to make.

So she just has to go into her material, which I'm assuming predated Nanette.

Because Nanette was supposed to be...

Nanette for her is like this Jerry Maguire moment.

I guess it's for comedy in general, you know?

Like she's like,

you get pussy from Renee's Elweger.

No, I said that and then I kind of forgot with the plot of Jerry Maguire.

But from my, what I recall is that it's about a sports agent who like stays up all night doing cocaine and it's like, you know what?

Fuck this job.

And he like wrote a book report on, you know.

I don't remember.

I used to remember he's getting pussy from Renee's Elweger.

He writes this whole fucking like essay in the beginning of the movie.

He stays up all night sweating at the computer and it's like, how to fucking fuck,

you know, your job, like just like, you know, like motivating people to be better sports agents.

And then he like comes in the office and he's like, read it, you know, and people read it.

And then,

like, unlike the real world where people would be like, you need to be in a mental institution.

Everyone's like, wow, Jerry did it.

And then he gets pussy.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

then Cuba Gooding Jr.

helps him get pussy.

I've probably only seen the first seven minutes of that movie.

I thought Jay Moore is involved and he backstabs him or something.

No, you're thinking of the movie Fluke, and it's not Jay Moore.

No, Jay Moore is Jay Moore is in there somehow.

Yeah, but that's

Jerry

Maguire.

I'm pretty sure Jerry Maguire, Jay Moore isn't Jerry McGuire.

I'm sure you're right.

Let's see here.

Jerry Maguire is a glossy 35-year-old sports agent working for.

It's crazy, too, how young Tom Cruise is.

Yeah.

I hate realizing how old I am and how I've done nothing with my youth.

Yeah, Tom Cruise is 57 years old.

Yeah.

So you go back to movies.

Yeah.

Well, I guess he's a little older than

you know.

It's just to some people, how young Usher is is insane.

How young is Usher?

Usher is like our age.

damn shouts out to usher having herpes yeah no you would be surprised at how young usher is he is 41 years old damn that is pretty young

john legend is is 41 also chris brown is our age he's 31 yeah but that makes sense it's like but usher is around since we were like very young you know Yeah, 10 years older.

Actually, that checks out.

The one that's weird is Pharrell is like old, but he looks young and he's been around forever.

Yeah.

Pharrell's

63 years old pharrells yeah 75 years old

somebody started a rumor that doug benson was like 68 years old

like like 10 years ago people are like you know doug benson's like 65 years old doug benson's old as fuck he is old

i do actually remember hearing that doug benson was older than he said yeah way back in the day yeah maybe it was just you being drunk and telling me that yeah probably maybe when i said there was a rumor going around I meant I was saying that to people.

I literally think I heard it from you.

He's 55, no spring chicken.

Shouts out to Doug Benson, just getting stoned.

Yeah, I don't believe that.

I believe he's older.

You think he's older than 55?

I think he's 68 years old.

Yes,

all right.

So,

all right, so he's back to the show.

Back to the show.

Um, after experiencing a

Nick, I am gay.

Darth Vader.

Okay, Darth Vader.

So after experiencing a life-altering epiphany about his role as a sports agent, he writes a mission statement about perceived dishonesty in the sports management business and his desire to work with fewer clients and produce a better relationship with them.

See, fuck this movie.

That's gay.

It's fucking gay.

Nobody cares.

And it's like, oh, like Hollywood cares.

That's why this got made.

It's because agents are like, oh, my story.

Yeah.

Agents are fascinating.

Yeah.

Wow.

People want to know about

absolute parasites that just use their social position that was like gifted to them by way of their father drunkenly raping another woman at fucking Emerson.

And then,

you know,

being the least successful member of an incredibly rich family,

getting to be an agent.

Getting to be an agent, and fucking then you drinking with other people at parties and spending your parents' money or whatever.

Yeah.

You know, leveraging that position to take money away from artists.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Yeah,

Cuba was ripped in that movie, though.

He was.

Yeah.

He was looking.

You see that video that was going around of him saying, like, somebody gonna fuck that baby or something?

And it's like, clearly, not.

Is that him?

It doesn't look like him at all.

I don't know.

I just laughed when I saw it.

I don't know.

I saw it, but people are like, I mean, that could literally be any black person in the world.

It doesn't look like him.

I think he, like, went kind of crazy, didn't he?

Yeah, a lot of people go crazy.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Yeah.

Who's Cuba Gooding Sr.?

That's what I want to know.

Yeah.

He offers a, he writes a mission.

He's a singer.

Yeah.

The g the main ingredient.

He's hot.

He's a hot guy.

You know, Cuba Going Sr.

is 37 years old.

He died on 420.

Salute to a real one.

Cuba Gooding Jr.

died on 420.

Or Cuba Gooning Sr.

died on 420, 2017.

Yeah.

Rip a binger for him, dude.

Leaving the office, Jerry announces that he'll start his own agency and ask if anyone will join him, which only 26-year-old single mother Dorothy Boyd agrees.

And then he fucks her?

Yeah, he fucks her.

She starts a whole business to get pussy.

Couldn't be me.

You know, so then there's something about, I don't know.

Yeah, I know I've seen this movie, but it's like,

I don't care about anything that happened in it.

That all I remember is that dumbass kid, Renee Zellwiger's face, and then him, like, writing that fucking thing on the computer.

Because I remember, like, when I saw it, like, the idea of like a laptop was so cool to me.

All I remember is show me the money, yeah.

That screaming on her,

yeah, sounds stupid.

Sounds like a dumbass movie to me.

Yeah, you're right.

If you got Tom Cruise, make that motherfucker jump out of a plane and fight fucking Henry Cavill, yeah, or Cavizzel, whatever the fuck his name is, that sexy guy.

What about Arless?

Was that a good show?

I got HBO Max now, so I guess we'll find out.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

How much is HBO Max?

I think it's $15 a month, but guess what they have, dude?

Something we've been wanting for a very long time.

Hit me with it.

Every single episode of Mad TV.

Oh,

hell yes, dude.

It's about goddamn time.

It's a lot of people who listen to this show, watch this show, they don't know, but that is not, there's been no way to have that.

Not on YouTube.

Good luck finding a good torrent of it, but it was never, the entire series in its entirety was never released on DVD.

HBO just got themselves $15 a month from Stavros Halkis, I'll tell you that much.

Yeah, Shout Factory for a while had like a chunk of them, I think.

Maybe Shout Factory had the whole run, but like, you know, I mean, you couldn't find those.

Damn.

Hell yes, dude.

Hell yes.

Yeah.

Fuck yes, dude.

I'm trying to see Mrs.

Swan.

I'm trying to see the depressed Persian tow truck guy.

I'm trying to see fucking

two couple different rapist characters.

That one fat Jewish rapist that Michael McDonald played.

I'm ready to smoke we Donza

and watch fucking Mad TV.

Oh my god.

It better rock.

If it doesn't rock, I'm gonna be fucked up.

I'm gonna fucking kill a police officer.

Dude, this is the first time.

We should zoom watch Mad TV.

We should, dude.

We should Twitch stream.

We should Twitch stream Mad TV and do commentary on it.

Explain why it's funny.

Dude, getting high and being like, hell yeah.

Dude, pausing this show to explain jokes, explain mad TV comedy to people.

Well, you have to understand the nuances of the Stuart character.

A lot of people think he's supposed to be retarded, but that would be too obvious.

That's why he's a quote-unquote 10-year-old boy, a joke most likely stolen from the movie Clifford.

Now, you would say to yourself, okay, well, they're making fun of retards.

They're doing it in a way where they're not even being explicit about it.

And the character itself is stolen.

Why is this funny?

And it's because

all of those things just elevate

how funny this stupid character is.

And also my favorite part is at the end of Clifford or what Clifford, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

At the end of that, towards the end, he just started getting very sexually explicit.

Like there was a joke where he was like, he told someone not to shut up or I remember there was one joke where he was like, next time I hear from you, the only time I want to hear your lip is when I jiggle my zipper.

I was like, What the fuck?

I remember watching that and being like, Damn.

Your sexual awakening was imagining sucking Stewart's penis.

Oh, yes, Stuart.

Yeah, as an eight-year-old boy.

No, I wasn't imagining that.

You're thinking about a grown man playing a retarded character, forcibly sock, like fucking your mouth.

And you're like, what?

You're scared.

I'm scared, but I'm hard.

My eight-year-old dick is hard.

You're confused.

You love Mad TV, but now it's molesting you and you're they're like what i'm sucking his penis it looks like my dad's dick he's got the dick the size of my dad's and i'm sucking it but it's it's the retarding character now he's going to now he's going pee-pee in my mouth and i

time to go time to go eat an entire loaf of bread No, I wanted to fuck the black lady with the big titties.

That fucking sketch where she runs down.

Hopefully that's uncensored on HBO Max.

And we get a look at the Peridanzo.

Dude, if it's uncensored,

I'm about to beat off the census.

I'm about to masturbate to sketch comedy, baby.

I can't wait to beat off the sketch comedy.

What the fuck was her name?

The big-ass titties?

Deborah Wilson.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I'll tell you what, if I was Tom Hanks, that's a a couple of Wilsons I'd like to have with me on the island for fucking titties.

Yeah, they would call her.

If I was if that was me and I was on the island, they'd call me Tom Thanks because I'd be saying thank you for letting me titty fuck her.

Oh yeah.

And what I would have been working, if the plane I would have been working for would have been a federal, a Fed sex plane.

I'll tell you that much.

Because I've been having sex on it.

Yeah.

And then

the

where is he he lives in jacksonville in the movie yeah let's say he does he got no it was somewhere because that movie came out and like the timeline was he missed like the nfl expansion so he's like in some town that got a team oh so it must have been jacksonville yeah i think so

jacksonville or carolina yeah the panthers maybe i can't remember but he

he uh He's like, oh, we got a football team now.

Nobody told me.

he came back.

What if he came back?

The movie ends and he's with his family and he's like, I got an island accent.

I spent four years on the island.

All the time on the island, make them crazy, man.

It's the island that gives you the accent, man.

It's not the people.

It's all the time in the sun, in the sun.

I've been having sex with Christmas presents for the past four years, man.

They wash up, they wash up on the shore, and I'd be having sex with the Christmas

Damn, I've never seen that movie.

Is that what happens?

Yeah, Christmas.

That's Wilson's a Christmas present.

How unlucky, dude!

Because you know, if that was a present-day movie, there would be a lot of pocket pussies being mailed, at least as gag gifts.

Yeah,

there's probably a lot of weed in the mail, you know what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah,

damn.

I need a weed sound effect.

Yeah, now I just started looking at porn.

It's crazy how that happens.

Yeah, let me look up Deborah's titties again.

Deborah.

I might just fucking put my name in the hat at a temp agency.

I guess the economy's fucked, so there's no jobs, but just get jobs at like offices and then immediately just start looking at pornography on the computer.

It would be an awesome game for us to get temp jobs

to see who can get fired faster.

We should do that, dude.

We should start, we should transition more into like a jackass vibe for the show and start playing pranks.

Now that you've got a soundboard, we got to up the technology.

We got to start calling people and shit.

That's right.

We do.

Yeah.

Do you want to play a game?

It's you show me your pussy.

Show me the game as you show me your pussy.

I love that, dude.

Saw?

Do you want to show me your...

Just okay, fine.

Show me your pussy.

Or I'll moss off that guy's penis or something.

I'll put a key in his ass.

Can you route me into that?

Can I just see your pussy?

We'll figure out how to route you in, man.

Damn.

I want to be the saw guy.

I'm sorry, dude.

I'll tell you what it is.

We got to both get dueling.

The software is called voice mod.

Yeah.

Let me see if.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

I'm looking at her tits right now.

Let me see if I can.

You want to port your game?

How do you do it?

You want to play your game?

You want to play a game?

Game.

Game.

You want to play a game?

Let's see.

Tone.

Rate.

Tone.

Tone.

You got it, man.

You want to play a game?

In the meantime, why don't we hear from your penis?

You order poison.

Hi, it's me, Miss Penis.

Do you want to play?

This is how I sound, because I'm real.

Do you want to play your game?

Game?

Game?

Game?

I have only been sucked by men.

Gang.

And we've all been ugly.

Do you want to play a woman?

I've never been sucked by a woman.

Do you want to play a game?

Anyway,

I'm going to go now.

Do you wanna play a game?

I'm gonna go think about a man's ass and get hot.

I'm gonna get as big as two and a half.

Do you want to

figure it out, man?

Do you want to play a game?

Do you want to play a game?

Now you're just doing tech now.

Do you want to play a game?

Do you want to play a game?

Do you want to play a game?

Do you want to play a game?

Do you want to play a game?

Do you want to play a game?

Do you want to play a game?

Do you want to play a game?

Do you want to play a game?

the game is called let me see your pussy and let me and you can suck my data

oh man i love this voice thing

i can't believe you waited that long to drop the fucking the saw on there because it's like you know the comedian in me is like come on put more effort into it it's got to be more than just you show me your pussy and

Nope.

But the not comedian to me, the guy that quit stand-up to just do this fucking bullshit podcast is like, yes.

Yep.

I just found out about this about a minute before the show.

Oh, yeah.

And I was like, yeah, he's going to keep asking to see your pussy.

That's the joke.

He already kidnapped her.

She's tied up.

She's fucking being slowly fed into a furnace underneath an abandoned elementary school.

And he's still like, come on, let me see the pussy.

Come on, just

up a little piece of it, please.

Let me see one cheek.

Oh, let me see one of your pussy cheeks.

Just come on.

I just want to see one.

Whatever.

I don't even want to see it.

I have cancer, bitch.

My dick,

I can't even get hard because I have ball cancer.

You know, bitch.

You're not even going to let me shoot a pussy.

Okay, cool.

No, that's fine.

Yeah.

I'm dying of cancer, by the way.

I'm teaching my daughter how to fucking do the job because I believe women.

You're not even going to give me a peek of both single pussy cheek.

Damn.

Fuck.

I need to get that, dude.

We got to have.

You definitely do, man.

We're going to have dueling.

But see, I'm on Mac, so I don't know if it's probably like, if that even exists.

It's like

costs $85.99 a month.

Probably some bullshit like that.

And then all the features are like, you can sound like you're from France.

You know, you could be from, you can be having a French Macintosh from France.

You're from France, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, bonjour, bon friend.

Would you like to have,

how do you say, get sex with me?

What even, what filter is that even?

What is that even supposed to be?

It's just not, you're just doing a French accent yourself.

You see, you hear the like the romantique, the front-france, the background vocals.

Yeah,

I thought it was more French, the no the music, but

it's called Romantic Paris.

I was really hoping for an accordion or something.

Yeah,

that's why you got to check your voices beforehand, folks.

Damn, but hey, what are you gonna do?

I love that saw.

Let me see your pussy.

Yeah,

can I just let's play a game?

The game is called I See Your Pussy.

The game

suck dick or die the choice is yours

oh jeez Louis man well

that's another one in the what do you got for the day brother what are you gonna do um I'm gonna make some food and respect what's on the docket

chicken peppers I mean the same shit maybe a banana That's the thing.

The diet ended, but I'm like, it's still quarantine.

It's still quarantine.

So it's like, you know, I guess while I'm still cooking for myself and it's going to be

that.

Yeah.

You know, I'm making baked chicken wing.

My boy.

I thought I would get moving out.

I thought I'd get tired of eating like eggs with egg whites in the morning, but it's like, no, I kind of I just had regular eggs and I kind of developed a taste for the regular eggs are too creamy for you, dude.

Yeah, they're just, yeah, they're too

rubbery.

Too rich.

Yeah, too rich.

So I just lighten them up with some extra egg whites in there.

Maybe like maybe like a three to one ratio.

And then

I kind of like turkey bacon now.

Damn.

Yeah, breakfast was nice.

Three eggs, splash of egg whites, four slices of turkey bacon, a piece of toast with some peanut butter and cinnamon.

Ooh, peanut butter and cinnamon.

That's cute.

Yeah.

That's fucking cute right there.

I'm about to have some cinnamon right now, dude.

I've been making some squash.

You ever fuck with acorn squash?

Bake that that bitch.

I don't know if I had acorn squash.

I've had a lot of spaghetti squash, and I might pick that shit up.

If you bake acorn squash, put a little coconut milk in there, throw some cinnamon, it tastes almost like rice pudding.

It's good as fuck.

Really?

Yeah.

I was thinking actually about making rice pudding.

Yeah.

Maybe make some rice pudding.

I think acorn squash is cute.

The quarantine started, and I bought, I was like, well, I guess you should get rice now.

And I got one of those like bags at Costco that are for like people that haven't learned English yet.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, absolutely.

They're like fucking a hay bag.

Yeah.

Like, I thought, oh, I'll probably go through this in a month.

I'm going to have that rice for years.

Yeah, you're a single man.

Yeah.

That's meant to feed like a Korean family of 12.

Yeah.

Well, it's time to

have some Korean kids.

Dude, you should.

You would be a great white dad.

Yeah.

I'd feel bad.

I mean, I would knock up an Asian for sure.

Who wouldn't?

You know?

Yeah.

Amen, brother.

But you can't.

You said it.

God forbid, you know, you have a son.

Oh, yeah.

You can't.

You've seen

the half-Asian subreddit.

You know how fucking angry those guys are.

Yeah, that's true.

That's a real coin flip.

That's a weighted coin flip.

Because if you get daughter, great.

Daughter's fine.

Very hot.

A woman can deal with being half white, half Asian.

Fucking a man cannot.

It's all of the problems of being Asian without the chill factor.

You're as unchill as a white guy, but then you're fucking Asian on top of it.

Imagine being a white dude that also had to be Asian.

That sucks.

Yep.

You're like, this fucking sucks.

You're like, what's wrong, man?

You're like, I'm fucking Asian.

You're like, oh,

that's the white guy who's upset about.

I think it's feast or famine.

I think they can be, yeah.

The worst, the worst case scenario is very bad, though.

I agree with you.

Yeah.

but i've seen a lot i think i could like i when me and my brothers go get green barbecue for thanksgiving they straight up stopped making blazions

that's true that stopped happening there i think street fighter got shitty

and then

no i mean really i i really i think that's what it is

I think it starts there.

Dragon Ball Z went off the air and Street Fighter ended.

And then that was sort of what created

the Blazion Invasion.

Blazian invasion.

How do we get it back, dude?

Read the Street Fighter, yeah.

You know, you got to get you got to get black people back into Asian culture.

I think they're in it.

You know what I think it is?

It's become mainstream.

Yeah.

So it's not, it's no longer you're hanging out with a bunch of Asian guys to watch anime.

I think black guys all watch anime together.

I think the reason is that it's like a type of race mixing that doesn't

destabilize anything.

And so the powers that be stop pushing it on people.

I see, yes.

Which is how, to be clear, that's how all race mixes.

All race mixing happens that way.

The powers that be push it on people.

The powers, yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

It'd be cool to have like an alt-right jazz podcast.

Just talk about jazz and then fucking like eugenics and

what is it?

Phrenology.

Yeah, hell yeah.

Like, well, black people are incapable of creativity.

Love that lick.

You know, their minds aren't capable, and they just, but then they're both like jazz historians.

They know everything about jazz.

This is so awesome.

They love jazz.

Love jazz.

Love the NBA.

That would be a great type of racist guy.

Yeah.

Exclusively consumes black media.

Right.

I love that.

Like, even rock bands, it's like he likes, was that, what's the one?

Color me bad?

No.

Hootie and the blowfish.

Hootie and the black.

No, there's the one.

Bad brains.

Maybe bad brains.

Yeah, they just pick the three black bands.

That's the only ones they like.

Fuck, there's one.

One black band that has an awesome song.

I'm racist, and the only musician I like is Darius Rocker.

I've never seen a picture of him.

I have no idea what he looks like.

But I tell you, that man, the way he sings, frees my soul.

Joe, eat me the ass, boy, and fuck my hole.

I wanna get fucked in my ass.

I'm fucking gay.

I'm gay as shit.

Damn.

All right.

Suck on my dick, boy, and fuck my ass.

I wanna to get raped and deny it later.

If anyone asks,

I'm just looking at Deborah Wilson's tits right now.

Some pretty cool.

Oh, someone, someone photoshopped Deborah messing onto a lady with big tits, and that's the fakest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Yeah.

Well,

all right, folks.

Some really bad Deborah messing fakes here.

Oh, yeah.

Brutal stuff.

Yeah, I used to.

My big joke when I was like 10 years old

was that the reason

Jack and fucking Will are gay is because Deborah Messing's tits suck.

That's a really good one for 10, dude.

Dude, I was fucking...

That's the thing.

It wasn't a journey.

You had it, brother.

I was here.

You had it.

We've all been who we've

who we've been the whole time.

Yeah.

You know, I was out there.

I was out there the life of the fat life of a party.

Yeah.

From a young age, dude.

Yeah, it's funny because it's, I think back, and it's like, oh, I was so miserable, and it's like, well, I know, I just now know how miserable I was, but in the confines of being just a fat retard that can only make jokes, it's like, oh, yeah, is that the ideal?

And it absolutely was.

Yeah, because you have to distract yourself.

You can't look in a mirror, and it'll kill you to do so.

Absolutely correct.

So you're like, well, I guess I better make jokes.

Yep.

And then it's non-stop.

And now, and now we know about the Matrix, dude.

Now you know about the Matrix.

Now we're Joey Panthaliano trying hard to get back in there, but we're doomed.

Well, I wanted some steak.

Just him having that romantic dinner with Agent Smith.

Yeah, I'll do it, but I want to psych your cock.

So what are we doing?

We're going back to your place.

Yeah.

Just Agent Smith all stoic getting fucked in the ass by Joey Cant.

And he's like, and after this, you give me the codes to Zion.

And he's like, no, I told you I don't have them.

I can get you the guy who has them, though.

There's one thing I want.

You want Neo?

There's one thing I want.

You got to let me fuck you in the ass.

Just wearing the suit top still, but his ass is getting fucked.

No bottoms, full suit up top.

Yeah.

All right.

Well,

okay, folks.

Yeah.

We'll see you Sunday.

Buy Nick's shirts.

Come dot town.

This Friday, I am doing a Stopby Solves Your Problems on Twitch with guest Tim Dylan.

Check that out.

It's also on YouTube.

Stoppy Solves Your Problems.

We just had Ian this week.

It was really fucking good.

So check that out if you want to watch some visual comedy.

Other than that,

you know, buy the shirts.

Hopefully we'll be able to tour sometime next year.

Who fucking knows?

I just bought clippers.

I got like real deal clippers coming nice i'm getting back into cutting my own hair love that do anything with the beard or just the hair just the hair i'm gonna see if i can i'm gonna see if i can do a good bald fade on myself respect i can't wait to see it yeah it's gonna look bad but still look horrible i'll keep i'm gonna keep learning because this thing

i'll probably go bald eventually so see listen man you can't be saying stuff like that i'm sorry

you can't be talking like that i'm sorry dude it's just first of all i don't care i have a beautiful full head of hair, as you can see.

Yeah.

It's growing out.

You can already see my shit's fucking.

My shit is.

How fucking dare?

Put your fucking hat down, man.

Yeah, you can see it.

It's already.

I got some

recession here.

Shut the fuck up.

Every year that sneaks back a little bit.

Shut the hell up.

This side is mostly fine, though.

Honestly, I don't even care.

Little devil horns.

That'd be cool.

That would be cool.

Yeah.

Cut your own hair.

I'm excited, dude.

I'm growing my shit out.

I i cannot wait to have a fucking i honestly the only thing that's getting me through this is thinking about being on a beach with a fucking ponytail

just absolutely a fucking earring dude we should go to the beach silk shirt open look we got we should both get tested and that way we can fucking hang again still do the show remotely yeah but go back to being regular friends that way this can finally be the job that it should be agreed the friendship

we can keep the friendship discreet i love that the podcast

we should go to Puerto Rico, have a fucking nice, nice little vacation in Puerto Rico.

All I want, silk shirt, fucking earring, blowing in the wind.

I want to be eating a woman's pussy who's on a hammock, and she's tugging my hair with the ponytail.

Two cigars at one.

Cigar.

No joke.

I've been thinking about smoking cigars again because it's nice on the porch to do something, and I don't want to smoke weed.

It's nice on the porch.

We get a little cabana.

You know, we go out there our week in Puerto Rico.

Maybe I take the day to go visit the rainforest and go on a nice little walk.

You can hit hit it.

You can go whoring.

And then at night, at night, we get drunk off absinthe and go bed on the cockfights.

No joke, that sounds awesome.

Dude, post-Corona is this is this is now this is when dudes become male men dudes.

Dudes become male dudes.

Yeah.

Male men dudes.

Geomale dudes.

We evolve to ria dude.

That's right, brother.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can't wait.

All right.

All right, folks.

See you next time.

Bye.

This is Bethany Frankel from Just Be with Bethany Frankl.

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