Ep. 208 – This Is Your Captain Speaking

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All right,

what's up, boys?

How are we doing?

I think there we go.

That should fix the audio thing, whatever that issue was.

That should be resolved now.

Yeah,

it didn't do it.

I don't think it did it.

How do I sound to you guys, good?

Sounding good.

A little loud.

You might want to turn your shit all the way to zero.

We should do the podcast completely just at zero.

We talk for for an hour.

It exists.

It's a visual product now.

Yeah.

It's really low.

It's some avant-garde shit, dude.

We could become like podcast artists.

Like that lady that pulled a pussy out of her scroll.

Or a scroll out of her pussy.

What are you talking about?

There's a lady who pulled a famous like performance artist pulled a scroll out of her pussy.

Who that one bitch?

Marina.

No, not her.

The one that she jocked her whole shit from.

Really?

Yeah, you don't know about this?

Mm-hmm.

What's the story?

Well,

the story.

The thing about the story is I know a lot of details other than some bitch pulled a scroll out of her pussy.

Oh, that's the story.

I don't know, man.

It was about fucking lady scroll pussy.

It was about feminism or something.

It's like in the 60s.

Caroly,

Carol Schneeman.

Damn.

I guess women have just been doing dumb shit for like decades prior to the quarantine.

And we were told that that was important.

How much of women's creative output is entirely dependent on the CIA inventing modern art?

It's just a way just because it meaningless.

They just need to.

The CIA is like, all right, Jackson, you're just going to fucking do a bunch of shit that looks like cum, and you bitches, just put some things on your pussies.

Right.

And that'll be that.

We're worried art might do something like stop the Vietnam War, so we're gonna let women have their period,

and we're gonna say this is the best art in the world, and we're gonna have a gallery, yeah, we're gonna have someone like Marina Abramovich hang out with child rapists, globalists that control everything

to establish their legitimacy and kind of feed into this system,

this circular,

and every uh,

yeah, dude.

They had some good-ass art on Little St.

James, dude.

Yeah,

they apparently okay, so this is called Interior Scroll.

You know, there was they said it was so weird that Epstein had that like painting of Bill Clinton in the dress,

but what would be really weird is if he had that, like, the poster that's like the oil painting of Kramer.

If Jeffrey Epstein had like

just like just shit from like Spencer's gifts and his fault fiction, yeah, if you had Bob Marley smoking a joint, we need a hellgo to the line.

Yeah.

One of those glow-in-the-dark alien posters.

Every sexual position in the zodiac.

Yes.

The best

is the beer pawn one with those ladies with the big ass fake titties.

Yeah.

But he wasn't into big fake titties, I guess.

If you're a pedophile, I guess you don't.

Oh, that.

If you're a titty man, it means you can't be a pedophile.

How about that?

I think that's their question.

I think all the titty guys are always always just pedophiles.

No.

Yeah.

How dare you?

By very nature of being a titty man, you can't like children.

No, yeah, it's Nick Sarad.

They don't have tits.

It's a Sherrod.

It's a...

What?

It's a Sherrod?

You have tits.

It's a Sherrod small?

You already have a giant Sherad.

You already have tits.

Why would you want tits?

Because you know they're a different quality.

He wants four.

He wants four.

Yeah, he wants a different kind of title.

I don't want four.

I have tits.

He's already got four.

About four and a half.

And he's got tits.

No, four and three, four and five, four and seven eighths.

Thank you very much.

The point is, they're different kinds of tits, and you know that.

These are man titties.

They're not round.

They don't feel good in your hand.

They got hair on them.

It's not the same thing.

It's like legs.

You have an ass.

Do you want to fuck your own ass?

I don't have an.

I don't have an ass, and I'll never have a big, beautiful woman's ass.

Exactly correct.

I don't have tits the way a woman has tits.

Okay.

If you say so.

You get it.

I don't.

You wouldn't get it.

Hold on.

If you say

about the fuck a girl.

And yeah, some women have.

She has tits like mine.

Yeah, some women have been like nice.

Some women have awful tits.

You just happen to have awful tits.

Well, I don't want.

I guess the solution is to get.

It's not that.

There's no such thing as men's tits.

You have a bad pair of women's.

No, there are, first of all, there's breast tissue and shit like that.

They feel different

even ladies with little ass titties have something have some it feels like more bouncy a woman's tits feel more bouncy than a man's tits

even the smallest lady titties have a little bit of that flubber type atmosphere which is what tits feel like

that's what that movie feels about the best titties feel like flubber

and they bounce flubber is a uh it's a movie i know that but

I can think about what it might feel like.

So, to describe what titties feel like, you chose something

literally, you've never felt.

No one's felt.

It doesn't exist.

Yeah.

No, but you can imagine what it.

Again, this is a problem.

There's a limit of imagination with you two motherfuckers, and I have none of that.

I don't know, man.

It sounds like you've never felt titties before.

You're a self-proclaimed titty guy.

This is a bag of titties.

You got real defensive when I said the titty guys are just pedophiles.

You seem to know a lot about Marina Bromovich.

No, I don't.

You seem to be real.

I don't fucking know a lot about Timmy.

You've got a new world order background going on.

Dennis Rodman.

There's been an uptick in your.

You've been saying, like, you know, just slipping in conversation, like, hey, I think globalism is pretty good.

And I can't

extremelines the market.

You said you keep saying things like, I hope they put the vaccine in Sour Patch, kids.

Yeah, because that way it saves me a trip to the doctor.

What's wrong with that?

I get a nice snack and a vaccine.

I don't see the issue there at all.

And that's the kind of shit the government should be working on.

It's true.

You have been leaving crumbs of clues everywhere.

And I really haven't put it together until now.

Thank you very much because I'm eating my whole muffins.

I see that I'm doing a shirt that's like the cover of Clue, but you have to suggest that Clue is like the board game Clue.

Yeah.

But like they're trying to figure out who's a pedophile and all the characters look regular, but then there's one guy that's just clearly a pedophile.

It's like Miss Scarlett, Colonel Mustard, um, Mr.

Fingers,

uh, yeah, Ruby Randolph.

Is Mr.

Fingers the pedophile?

Yes, okay.

I didn't remember if that was one of their names.

You've just

played that version of Clue, and every game ends.

We're like, oh, it was Mr.

Fingers in the nursery.

I would have guessed that.

Whoever gets to go first wins.

You know what I loved as a kid?

As a small autistic boy, the

include a little manila envelope that said confidential on it that you put the cards in.

Yeah.

You liked it.

I agree with that big time.

Dossiers.

I did.

I like those small, yeah, a small dossier.

There was some good pussy in the movie Clue.

I'm going to try to do that.

Make a board game about the steel dossier to sell to children at Urban Outfitters or wherever liberals buy that bullshit.

You know, they're like, like the Good Night Moon parody that's like, good night, fucking president, bitch.

And then it's like, it sells 80 million copies.

Yeah, where do they buy that?

Like, what store carries that?

I don't know.

Is it Urban Outfitters?

I don't know.

That guy, Jeff Tried Dick, or whatever his name is.

That guy's my favorite.

The guy that responds to everything Trump says.

Oh, yeah.

Who the fuck is that guy?

Jeff Tried Dick.

He's some guy that probably has an inverted penis.

He's a fucking loser, dude.

Yeah, that guy is.

He hasn't had a single nice own on him once.

Never.

He's got an invaginated penis and he

is.

It's great because the windup is there.

You could tell he thinks he's about to drop a ball.

Every time.

Hey, President Dick Suck ass.

President Dick Suck is pretty good.

Yeah.

I would love it if, honestly, it would fucking rule if

Donald Trump tweeted first, like, we're sending the police to Jeff Tiedrich's house to shoot him in the chest.

And then he's like,

this is supposed to be a fuck democracy shit ass.

And then the police, on the news, there's a helicopter.

They just kick down the door to his house and just blast him.

Trump retweets body cam footage.

Yeah, and we don't have to be like, this is, I mean, we live in a prison.

This is fucking...

This is worse than normal.

This is not normal, sir.

This is worse than Nazi Germany, but it's pretty funny.

It is funny.

It is fun.

Look, man,

you keep barking.

Eventually, you're going to get clapped back, man.

Squeaky wheel gets to grease.

Is he just a guy?

Is he like a writer?

He seems like some kind of shitty journalist or something.

One of the guys is the producer of This Is Us, but it's not him.

He's just some

really,

I don't know, probably Jewish.

Probably.

Him and Palmer.

Adam, hold on.

That's the other one.

Adam, probably.

Jeff Tiedrich, for sure.

That doesn't sound Jewish.

Look at it.

It doesn't sound Jewish, but he looks...

I don't know, man.

I think that's either like Dutch or German or some shit.

I think

that's just a regular white guy.

He's just annoying, I guess.

I think that's just a white guy with a shitty beard that's annoying.

Yeah.

Really?

Yep.

That ticks all the boxes, but somehow.

Why does he have 350k followers?

Because of that fucking Trump bullshit.

He was like nobody before all this shit happened.

Oh, he's got a Patreon for a hot $244 a month.

That's gonna be me.

That's gonna be me in three years.

Just responding to all of President Stacey Abrams' tweets.

Yeah.

Nice try, you fat bitch.

You fat black bitch.

President Cunt is at it again.

Please donate to my Patreon where I get $150 a month and

buy my

parody of the Hardy Boys

called fuck you, president, black lady.

I mean, can you imagine like the conservative inversion of

like, I mean, because the conservatives do a lot of dumb, gay shit, you know?

Like,

being obsessed with that snake.

They love that fucking dumb.

That fucking bitch-ass snake.

And it's got a German name, doesn't it?

What's that shit called?

The Gadsden flag.

It's the Gadson flag.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I thought it was called like the Dussendorf snake or some shit.

That would be cool, dude.

I would then

be my favorite minor league baseball team.

The Dussendorf Snakes.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm a big fan of the Dussendorf racist snakes.

Yeah, they're a short season team, but I go to every single, I would go crazy for them.

Every single game, I'm there.

I think the new kicker for the Patriots had to apologize because he had a Gadson flag tattoo.

No, it wasn't the Gatson flag.

He had like some something, something I thought it was the Gatson flag.

No, there's some kind of like

racist group tattoo that he had or something.

Some kind of like white supremacist flag tattoo.

Biden's kind of getting my respect recently because I don't know if you saw him just

isolating that sound clip at him saying Biden's getting my respect recently and then his poll numbers just dropping just on seeing it.

I'm doing a little

espionage.

No, no, because he had Stacey Abrams on a joint television appearance, and she thought she was going to be announced for vice president, and you just saw her face sink.

Wait, really?

Yeah, it was great.

That's hilarious.

I thought it was a pretty good prank.

Everybody's sucking that lady off, but what the fuck is that?

Nobody's sucking that lady off.

The Washington Post.

She's annoying.

Washington Post wrote this fucking, like, glowing profile of her that was just absurd.

That's what I mean.

Like, the mainstream is sucking her titties.

And I thought, like, a year ago, I barely read it, but yeah, in the Washington Post, it's like she hits the stage, flashes everywhere.

It's like, okay, well, we know anybody knows that there is no flash photography in 2020.

You're describing a,

this is fiction.

This is absolutely fictional, and it doesn't exist.

She hits the stage.

Right.

A crowd of admirers screams, stay, see, stay, see.

Yeah, that's not happening anywhere.

She's talking about like a fucking, literally a fashion show.

You compared it to a fashion show, and then you lied and said it was a fashion show.

I don't, yeah.

And it's like, that's not hyperbole.

You're describing the event.

Imagine if like the opposite.

It's like, well, she walked on stage and she immediately broke through the floor from being too fat.

It was almost if she was too fat and she fell into the basement and then she was rolling down around down there and bacon fat.

Like a fucking cartoon.

And just handing that into the editor and being like, here's my real profile of Stacey Abrams.

Yeah, just go ahead and publish that.

Yeah, we're just lashes everywhere.

Yeah, just go ahead.

Just go ahead and publish it.

Yeah, I'm trying to check that out over here.

Yeah.

So you go ahead and publish that.

Yeah, I've been having sex with a picture of Michelle Obama since quarantine started.

I think some of

the photo developing chemicals have got seeped through my penis into my brain.

Oh, you got a dark room for that.

Oh, you do them yourself.

You get the photos yourself.

Interesting.

On a film camera.

On film.

Yeah.

She's one of those flash bulbs.

That's how you get the best fucking photograph pussy, dude.

You got to make it yourself.

That's right.

You get into telescopic lenses.

But she was like, she was going to win in Georgia, but there was voter suppression or some shit.

Isn't that?

Yeah, the guy she ran against was Attorney General and probably cheated it.

Yeah.

That's funny.

Kemp.

But basically, she she hasn't done shit except that, right?

Yeah, all she did is lose, which is what they love.

They love.

They love a dignified loser.

That's what they do.

They love some of them.

They love the most, dude.

Just, yeah, like a proud captain going down with a ship.

Yeah.

Damn.

That's a gay move.

Oh, my God, dude.

I'm not going down with a fucking ship.

Are you paying for the ship?

I'm saving myself at any cost.

I feel like I'm throwing women and children off board.

Commercial airlines, only the captain should have a parachute, and he should be wearing it when you get on the plane.

And he's like saying hi to everybody and waving.

And he's just already wearing the parachute.

Hi, how are you doing?

How are you doing?

We'll see how this one goes, huh?

Have you folks ever seen the movie Flight with Dead Zell?

Good afternoon, folks.

This is your Captain

Osama bin Laden.

I'm just kidding.

It's a beautiful sunny day here.

It's been a while, I guess,

with the quarantine stuff.

I haven't flown a plane in

months, I guess.

So

we'll see how it goes.

But

they gave us parachutes now,

which is pretty funny.

You think about it, it's like they're just

expecting you to fuck up your job.

I mean, you know, they're not.

That's something I've been.

The co-pilot didn't show up to work, so usually I run this stuff by him.

I've been getting into open mics lately.

i've been doing a lot of zoom comedy shows i i my daughter she's a slut

i'm just kidding she's

no she is

yeah she has a uh she she moved to new york to do comedy and uh

became a slut

No, I'm just kidding.

But yeah,

no, I watched her show.

She's doing Queen Queen Karaoke, but she dresses up like classic Disney characters.

And that's the theme of her comedy show.

And I thought, well, you know, at the very least, there should be one joke.

You know, that's true.

And so I started writing them.

And I thought, well,

listen, I got a 14-hour flight, you know, coming up.

Why don't I write some stuff for that?

And I'll stay.

I can just stay on mic.

I can stay on mic the whole time.

The entire flight.

Obviously, our first-class passengers, if you want, you can hit the mute button and we'll turn it off

for the economy classes.

If you'd like to upgrade and pay an additional $78, you can mute me for three and a half minutes

or an additional $27 and then after that, you can

mute those.

And if you pay with your jet blue card, which we will be signing you up for,

just based up we're just going to

we're running everyone's credit right now.

And so we're doing a hard pull on everyone's credit.

And so, if you got a mortgage coming up, I'm sorry, you should have read through the carrier contract when you bought the tickets.

It's that

85-page PDF that we mail out that you're supposed to read.

Any lawyer will tell you, always read the fine print,

you know, which, of course,

they definitely follow that advice as well.

You know, they go into Subway and they say, I'm not ready to place my order yet.

Let me read all the small text on the fucking brochure first.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

People just hitting their buttons over and over again.

That way, I could be an asshole when somebody says, Oh, yeah, I got I went to this mechanic.

He fucking took the brakes out of my car and it killed my three-year-old.

And he said, Well, did you read the fine print?

Yeah,

yeah, thanks a lot,

professor asshole,

anyways.

if you're booing i can't hear you through the door yeah uh

just go ahead and sit back and

suck my dick just so

you know i started doing this a couple weeks before 9-11 started

and uh and i

this is true this is absolutely true uh like two weeks i forgot to

forgot to put the wheels up on a flight which is uh apparently really really fucking dangerous and

And then I was like, God, this fucking sucks.

I'm going to lose my job.

And then what happens?

A couple of Muslims come through.

Save my ass, dude.

I'm saying, there's a silver lining, you know?

As-salamu alaikum to my brother.

There's a silver lining to every cloud.

And in my case, it was the wheels of my plane sticking out from underneath the cloud.

And I had forgotten.

But it was also the Muslim guys.

That was just kind of like a wordplay thing that I was working on.

Yeah.

I'm getting pretty sleepy.

I stayed up all night writing these.

Yeah, I just, you know, it's weird because I ran this by some of the guys in the

crew hangout area.

We have a, that's what it, that's the real name of it, I'm assuming.

Club, clubhouse.

The clubhouse, the firehouse, the airplane firehouse.

We just have bunk bags.

We all sleep there.

Honestly, I feel like more people would like their job.

We could save capitalism if every workplace had a fireman's slide pole.

Why is it that only firemen get to slide down a thing to get the workplace?

And they had that shit before 9-11 happened.

You know,

how come we're not called the first responders?

If you think about it, we were literally the first people in the towers.

Right up front.

In the front row seats today.

Very first responders.

Sure, I I had a box cutter jammed in my asshole, but

your first one in that motherfucking tower, I'll guarantee you that.

Tell you that right now.

Boo, people just pelting little pretzels at the door.

John get it to stop.

Yeah, that guy rocks.

Yeah, he's a good guy.

to listen to.

Fuck, dude, it would have been so...

It would have been...

I cannot believe hijackers did that shit, dude.

Like, just blowing yourself up.

I mean, driving a plane would be tight.

And probably there's a couple moments where you're approaching the building where you're like, hell yeah.

But being like, damn, I'm about to die for this bullshit.

No, but then you get pussy in heaven.

I guess.

Weren't they, like, doing coke and shit and strip clubs and shit?

Yeah, in Florida at flight school.

So that's cool.

They get to go to fucking flight school.

Flight school's cool, but God couldn't have been pleased.

They're soldiers, man.

That's true.

That's something you don't understand.

You're right.

I'm not an operator.

Soldier.

I'm more of the brains of the operation.

Getting brain of the operation.

I'm the getting brain of the operation.

Yeah, I'm what you call a brain getter.

Get.

I would like to get brain.

I can't wait to

get it.

Do you guys see that

the fat Hawaiian guy

is on Google?

What fat Hawaiian guy?

The guy that did over the rainbow

I was just about to fucking say the guy that did over the rainbow because here's what's interesting is every single one of them is the fat Hawaiian guy

if you said the Hawaiian guy you would you'd be talking about dog the bounty hunter is he Hawaiian yeah that's where he lives I didn't know that that's right brother I mean he's from Texas

yeah Israel Kameo They fucking got him on Google because he's got such a nice little voice.

What do you mean?

What do you mean they got him on Google?

What are you saying?

He's the fucking main guy on Google today, motherfuckers.

Oh, he's on the splash page?

Yeah.

Oh, it's fat.

It's Fat History Month.

It's Fat History Month.

That's right, dude.

Maybe they're going to have Hurley from Lost.

Do you think McDonald's would touch Fat History Month?

Oh, 100%.

Yeah.

Instead of like Kente cloth, they just got like shirts with mustard stains all over them.

What's the fat version of Kente cloth?

I guess

pants, maybe, napkin, or that like Italian restaurant tablecloth material.

Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah.

A bib, a nice, nice adult-sized bib.

Yeah.

Fat History Month's nice.

We got a lot of fat pioneers.

We got Israel.

How do Jews feel about him being named Israel, Adam?

I think a lot of Mexican people have that name too.

Yeah, they got weird names.

It's not a big deal.

Jesus or Israel.

Yeah, my name is Palestine.

Palestine is not a place.

My name is Palestine.

My name is Jasper Arafat.

My name is Palestine Gaza Hernandez.

I'm sorry, your name is what?

Yes, my name is Hanukkah Menoro Juan Carlos.

Hey, Chocolate Money.

A Diego.

What does Israel mean?

Like land, good land, or some shit?

It's the name of the children of Israel.

It was the tribe.

That's it?

That doesn't mean shit, though?

I don't fucking know.

Doesn't mean like promised land?

That's Zion, I think.

Zion.

Zion Williamson.

That's cool.

Yeah, I guess that's true.

I gotta say, they are cool names, but not.

Yeah, no, Israel is pissed at Zion Williamson, though.

Israel sounds cool, but it sucks.

But it's a a good name for a fat Hawaiian.

Anyway, R.I.P.

to him.

And, you know, tomorrow they got Rosie O'Donnell on the fucking Google Splash page.

Other fat pioneers, dude.

Taft, that one president.

The only thing people know about him is that they made the bathtub bigger.

Yep, for that big, juicy ass.

Because he was fat.

He oversee the first flight in America.

Didn't he witness?

Was it him?

I think he was in office when the Wright Brothers did their thing.

It would be someone.

Fuck that little wooden thing.

The only thing I have even remotely in my head about Taft is that he oversaw some kind of AVH.

All I know is the bathtub.

Factory too.

And by

the way, witnessed.

What's that?

He was around while it happened.

Yeah.

Wasn't that shit in North Carolina, though?

He went all the way down there.

Yeah, I think on the damn beach.

It may have been a demonstration of the first flight with

all mechanical controls.

So, you know, you didn't.

that early on, it's like you can't see shit once the ground's not visible.

You know, you have no idea, you just crash right into the fucking ground,

you have no idea which way you're going.

That's true, yeah,

damn.

Um,

yeah, what are some,

yeah, and there's other fact I peep fats are buckle.

Should I get a plane?

I say, I want a plane, I want property with a little plane, but I feel like

anybody

anybody that has a private plane gets murdered.

It's just Yeah, you disappear in a foggy day.

Oh, every time, dude.

It's like the worst.

John Denver.

John Denver.

JFK Jr.

JFK Jr.

What's that?

With the fucking octopus journalist, Paul Castellano.

He's an octopus journalist.

Castellano, yeah.

It's an octopus.

Frank Castellano.

He writes the news, yeah.

What do you mean he's an octopus journalist?

He covers octopus news?

No, it's this.

He was working on a story called The Octopus, which was like some widespread conspiracy involving like the Catholic Church and politicians to abduct and molest children and shit.

Basically, Epstein.

He was working on.

Yeah, he was like, I got to go meet this source out in West Virginia.

And then he left and then he just slit his wrists in a hotel room in West Virginia.

Damn, yeah, man.

I mean, you know, the work can really get to you sometimes.

Yeah.

It just happens.

When you're on the verge of a really big story, sometimes the pressure's too much and you slit your own wrists at a hotel

with no note, or with a note in somebody else's handwriting left.

Yeah, see, I think I promise I'll never kill myself if I got a scoop.

The only thing I'll do is suddenly stop caring and be like, you know, people should just not look into this.

Yeah.

That's how you know they got to me.

Not when I kill myself.

Yeah.

You know what?

Live and let live, brother.

You know what?

This doesn't fucking.

Look, I got PlayStation.

I looked into it.

It doesn't add.

It doesn't make sense to me.

Dershowitz is right.

He's innocent.

There was no Jeffrey Epstein.

Damn, it would be so funny.

I guess Alan Dershowitz is just going to be okay, huh?

Yeah.

He's never going to get caught.

They're not going to kill him.

The Illuminati isn't going to kill him.

Yeah, he just knows who to squat up with.

He squatted up with Trump.

He squatted up with Clinton.

Yep.

Big Dersh.

Yeah.

When you're a man with no nation, you kind can float around.

It's kind of like a

kind of like a Shogun assassin.

You'd say he's like a Shogun?

Yeah.

Was it a Ronin?

I guess a Ronan.

Yeah.

Shogun means something else.

Yeah.

Damn, Ronin was good as hell.

Yeah, Ronin.

Sick movie.

What are some other decats?

What was the movie you told me to watch, Adam?

I haven't watched them yet.

I don't remember.

I'll look at my movie.

We'll talk about it later.

Did you guys see that one goth bitch that talks like she's the nanny?

I re-watched Breakdown the other night.

What's Breakdown?

What's that?

1997, Kurt Russell.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, it's great.

I love Kurt Russell, dude.

I've watched so many Kurt Russell movies in this time.

The premise of Breakdown is hilarious because it's like this guy.

It's this guy and his wife.

They're driving through the desert in like a 1996 Jeep Grand Cherokee.

And it might have been, I don't think it was the first year of the Grand Cherokee.

Like, I'm pretty sure that that was around since like 92 or 93.

But he's driving the Grand Cherokee, and then, like, it's a good-ass name, the Grand Cherokee.

Yeah, and then he has some kind of like weird dispute with some like pickup truck guy.

Like, he almost hits a pickup truck guy, and then they meet at the gas station, and the pickup truck guy's like,

Wow, you got a nice fancy car, huh?

Fully loaded, leather seats, you know,

air.

You know, he's like, just fucking like naming basic accessories and vehicles.

Gows, gasolines.

Right, exactly.

And then Kurt Russell's like, listen, I didn't see you back there.

You know, you kind of just pulled out in front of me.

The guy's like, watch a dickhead or whatever.

And they had like some kind of dispute.

And then like later down the road, his, their car just stops completely.

And then this truck comes by.

And the trucker offers to take his wife to the service station while he sits there and waits for the car and the or stays with the car when the wife's going to be there.

It's a different trucker.

It's a different trucker.

Uh-oh.

And then eventually he looks under the car and realizes there's some wires disconnected.

So he

reconnects the wires and the car starts back up.

And he drives to the diner.

And they're like, listen, buddy, we don't know who, we don't know what you're talking about.

There's no truck that came here.

And then it's like the whole town is in on, or everybody's kind of in on like abducting this guy's wife and gaslighting him.

Damn.

And then,

you know, I mean, you can goes from there.

But, you know, it's a fuck, that sounds awesome.

Yeah.

God.

Oh, I think I remember what I said.

A lot of Kurt Russell wearing like a lacawa shirt and khakis being like, where's my goddamn wife?

Does Kurt Russell have some kind of background?

He used to be a green beret and he's doing a

since he's a regular guy.

Yeah, he's like a middle-class guy in the

like the Arizona desert being harassed by, you know, they try to like paint like Southwestern people as being like for being gay, basically.

Yeah, we're get, we're going to get this boy,

Yeah, for no reason.

Because he had a couple words, so a whole town is going to kidnap and rape his wife.

Yeah.

I watched another Where is My Wife movie?

It's one of those frantic.

Frantic?

What did Kurt Russell do?

Does he a badass?

Does he become a badass?

Does he kill?

Does Kurt Russell become a badass?

Yeah, eventually.

Nice.

Yeah, but, you know, it's just...

It's like, I feel like if I was in that situation and I was that guy and somebody kidnapped my wife, it would be like, ah, fuck.

Like, fuck.

I like her, dude.

Okay.

Where do you get pussy around Arizona?

Yeah, just in the next,

just walking and cruising into that diner, that for the second scene in the movie.

Just being like,

my wife just got kidnapped.

Is there anywhere to get pussy around here?

Y'all know I'm trying to be a fucking desert fucking piece of shit like you.

I'm trying to be a desert desert pimp like you guys.

I'm trying to be

motherfucking the Scarlet Pimpernell of the Dusty Road.

I watched...

Who's Scarlet Pimpernell?

I don't know.

The Scarlet Pimpernell is a play.

Oh.

Pimpernell is a type of flower, I think.

It doesn't describe.

I see.

It doesn't mean...

That sounded like a pimp.

No, I know.

Scarlett Pimpernell.

Yeah.

Now, as a kid, I thought it was about a guy that got a bunch of pussy.

I thought it was about a 70s black guy

wearing burgundy furs, yeah, just but in like fucking like like uh uh uh revolutionary France, so cool, yeah, that would rock, yeah, hell yeah.

I watched the TV, sorry, yeah, I was gonna say the Martin Lawrence movie The Night, Max a Million Robespierre

Hey, Maximilian, yeah, Maximilian Robespierre,

um,

the Scarlet Pimpernell.

It's a novel.

Sorry.

In historical

fiction, published in 1905.

It's actually her stage play, so it was a play first.

It's set during the reign of terror during the French Revolution.

The title is Nam de Guerrero, its hero and protagonist.

Okay, oh, yeah, that's right.

It's a

reactionary play where the Scarlet Pimpernell is an English guy that's like helping fucking like aristocratic French people escape the reign of terror.

Oh, so

he's some rich fag from England that's trying to help us rich.

I need to help the people as gay as me get out of France.

Other men wearing powdered makeup.

Yeah, it's like the opposite of V for Vendetta.

Yeah.

It's really non-sympathetic.

Yeah.

Fuck the Scarlet Pimpernel.

That's my stance.

He's a big.

If I see the Scarlet Pimperna, I'm going to fuck his ass up.

Yeah.

I could probably take like a lord from Britain in like the 1700s, right?

Yeah.

Sir Percy Blakeney is a wealthy English baronet who rescues individuals.

Baronet.

Sentenced to death.

Bitch ass.

He soon reveals himself to be a master of disguise, an imaginative planner, a formidable swordsman, and a quick-thinking escape artist.

With each rescue, he taunts his enemies by leaving behind a card showing a small flower.

The scarlet pimpernalle.

God damn, you could be...

It's so funny that like gays pretend they were like oppressed historically.

And it wasn't just like something that literally only happened in between the 1930s and the 1980s.

Yeah, this guy, the Scarlet Pimpernell, is a drag queen that helped rich people escape getting what's coming to them.

Right.

The whole world was LGBT until they invented fascist haircuts in the 30s.

You know, straight men took pencil mustaches and they'd be like, well,

if everything's going to be gay now, we might as well start locking them up and putting them in mental institutions.

I believe that's correct.

Yeah.

But prior to that, it's like anything goes.

The gayer the better.

Right.

The fucking government, like French parliament was just the movie Call Me by Your Name.

That's right.

Yeah.

They're all just like sucking each other off.

You got sexed into the French Parliament.

Right.

You would put your dick.

You'd show up on your bicycle your first day.

You put your dick through a grapefruit to vote I, and you would put it through a piece of

orange.

Yeah, you would put orange zest around your cock and then get it sucked off by

the baronet.

The baronet would count all the votes by sucking everyone's dick.

And if it was cherry-flavored, it's a no.

If it was orange-flavored, it's a yes.

It would be a fun take is like the homophobic roots of the French Revolution and

talk about the disdain for aristocratic dandies.

It's true.

How dandies were the pinnacle of LGBT culture historically?

The French Revolution was just like a

homophobic populist movement.

Yep, persecuted for wearing makeup and rouge on his cheeks.

For getting syphilis and having your nose fall off.

Having a fake metal nose.

Damn, fake metal nose.

Who's the guy with the fake?

Oh, I'm thinking of.

I thought I was like, damn, do I know this character from like a play?

And it was like, no, I'm thinking of Chris Farley from Dirty Work.

Yeah, you're thinking of Chris Farley from the farm.

That's the only character.

The Zygon whore that is the best thing.

The Zygon whore that bit my nose off.

Such a good movie.

The best movie.

Shit, you're getting a call.

Yeah, that's annoying that that's how that works.

Yeah,

I watched the movie where...

The character's wife died and he barely cared the other day and it rocked.

Huge rock.

You should watch it.

Charlie Varick with Walter Mathow.

His wife dies in the first 10 minutes after assisting him in a bank heist.

And he's like, he moves on so fast.

That rocks.

Yeah.

Was Walter Matthew?

It's Walter Mathow's wife.

It's Walter Mathow's wife, yeah.

And he gets pussy by the end of the movie.

It rocks.

That's my type of flick.

That's my type of flick right there, pal.

Yeah.

It's one of those movies where there's like an ugly male protagonist that every woman just cannot resist.

Yeah.

Yes.

That's my waking, that's my waking dream.

I walk around feeling like, damn, I want to be Walter Mathow in that movie.

That's my goal, dude.

I watched the Dead or Alive, the first two Dead or Alive movies.

How many hours is that?

They're both like an hour and a half long.

Oh, shit.

Honestly, every movie should be an hour and a half long, if you ask me.

Wait, Dead or Alive?

What did you say?

Dead or Alive?

Dead or Alive, yeah.

It's that guy Takashi Mikke.

No, it's a Japanese movie.

It's like Yakuza versus Triad.

Gory.

Gory as hell.

The first movie opens with basically a music video.

There's a scene that made me think of you.

I think I put it on Twitter, but the Yakuza boss is like on Smack,

like look, like admiring a woman that's in a bathtub of diarrhea.

Oh, what?

And he's like,

they all laugh at it when they look at it, but they love my cock.

Sorry, it's so small.

Hold on, give me a second.

It's genetics.

Wait, for real?

Yeah.

It rules.

Sorry, it's a diet.

He's in a bathtub of diarrhea?

It's genetics.

No, no.

He makes the whore

go into a bathtub of diarrhea.

He drugs her and then puts her in a diarrhea path.

Damn.

I fuck with every aspect of what you just described except for the diarrhea bathtub.

I mean, it's like, it's, it's every scene has something disgusting and insane.

Dead or alive.

Yes.

The first two, the second one I kind of maybe even like better.

Which was like, it was one of those like,

you know how like,

have you ever seen any of the John Wu movies?

No.

Do you hear that?

I think I'm getting Nick's phone call.

It's still connected to his

Mr.

Mullen.

There's just nothing we can do about your penis.

It's just.

There's no way it can grow back

after you had too much gay sex and it fell off.

Oh my God.

That's right.

Well, isn't there something we could do about it?

Jesus Christ.

Jesus fucking Christ.

This is not the time.

I called you people and you said you could grow my penis back.

I'm going to talk to a manager.

I'm going to need to speak to somebody about this fast.

It's like, look, Mr.

Mullen, I'm sorry.

Our records indicate even before your penis fell off, it was under one centimeter.

Dude, honestly, we're going to have to be really nice to him when he comes back after.

Hold on, we got to, yeah, let's end this because it's too...

I'm going to hang up the call so no one else can hear that because it's too embarrassing for Nick.

It's really fucked up.

It's really fucked up that

they can't regrow his one centimeter long penis.

That is pretty fucked up.

That he that fell off for having too much gay sex.

So please respect Nick's privacy at a time like this, everyone.

I can't believe it.

I mean, I'll treat him the same now that I know that, but it's going to be hard not to be laughing in my brain.

I know, but that's that's the kind of thing that we can fucking figure out as good guys.

Damn.

They laugh, but they love his penis.

See, honestly, I got to say, I have every women are pretty nice when it comes to looking at my penis.

They've never had my penis laughed at in front of me.

Me neither.

Me neither.

You know what I found out recently, not recently, but in the last couple of years, is that I don't think guys do as much locker room talk as they say we do.

Like, I don't think we're like, oh, her pussy was, you know, this is the color and this is the

look.

I've never described color of pussy.

I think they all do that with every single every woman does that.

Women are so much worse.

They are, they have absolutely no discretion.

Well, a lot of women put a mold in their pussy and then, so your dick is in it.

And then once you stop fucking them, they they pour wax into it and show their their friends exactly the size of your dick.

They kind of make like a plaster of Paris

that's uh sorry about that that's no no worries dude unfortunately the audio was still linked so we heard your doctor call and say they can't reattach your penis because it fell off from having yeah

sorry bro so we can cut that out of the episode we'll cut it out even though it's on the live stream we'll cut it out

no it's it's live so it doesn't it's fine all right well we'll just listen all right well you that's big of you you want to know it was fedex

yeah okay, it was FedEx.

Well, they were ringing my fucking doorbell.

Yeah, yeah, no, we got it, dude.

Don't worry.

I got it.

I understand.

Hey, they warranty my drill.

The Chuck seized on it.

The who sneezed on it?

The Chuck on my drill seized.

I hate that, dude.

I hate when the Chuck seizes up.

Dude, I bought a grill off of fucking.

Because I'm not trying to use Amazon anymore, so I'm using all these bullshit websites.

Like Walmart.com?

Like a nice one?

No, dude.

No, not Walmart either.

This fucking bullshit, Mr.

Green or something like that, Mr.

Organics or some shit.

And I just have not.

I bought a grill a week ago.

They haven't shipped that shit, dude.

I'm pissed.

Like a

grill?

No, I bought a one specifically for a small apartment for the balcony.

Well, yeah, I mean, that's how it works.

It's like, you don't want to use Amazon.

There's a reason Amazon is the fucking on its way down the fucking monopolies because it's the best one.

I know.

It sucks, dick.

They control the post office.

What's that?

They control the post office, which is like, you know, we're kind of in this, like, we have, I have the same political dynamics as the Middle East when it comes to my relationships with the United States Postal Service and Amazon.

Enemies are friends, mutual enemies are,

you know, it's weird a lot.

So you're against Amazon because they're friends with the post office.

No, I'm with Amazon because they're the only people that have the power to control the post office.

Oh, I see.

They've mastered your enemy, so

you're their friend.

For now.

they're trying to get rid of the post office yeah it's fucked dude i love the post i actually do love the post office do you

it's cute to pop in there mail a little letter i'm gonna have to go in there and get all my mail when i get back a chinese couple runs the post office i went into the post office by me one time the funniest because it's always the post offices in brooklyn are a fucking nightmare they are terrifying and it's like it's so bad that you can't even like get mad at the employees because it's a bulletproof class well they're horribly fucking understaffed.

It's like one person, and it's like, you know, well, of course, she's being a bitch.

It's like

there's fucking 900 people in here, and one person staffed.

And no one ever knows how to mail anything.

Yeah, I went in there one time,

and

like, I just go in, and it's fucking completely empty.

Like, there's just no, there's no one.

There's not a worker, there's not a worker.

I'm like, what the fuck?

And I go outside.

And I realize that they had closed like an hour earlier, and they they just fucking uh

they didn't lock it they just left the post office open

I was just like in there by myself like looking through the fucking thing and you know that rocks dude did you steal every envelope I did all of the children's letters to Santa Claus

damn and you wrote back and then I brought not gonna happen you fucking

brought them to Israel where they're used as compromot against the Christian children

all letters to Santa actually go to Israel.

A lot of people don't go to that.

And they're stored there

in case Israel needs to get revenge on children for taking down Epstein.

How dare those children?

It was fucked up if those children got tired of getting fucked

and took down Epstein single-handedly.

Yeah, I think the post office is cute.

The one growing up was cute in Baltimore.

It was always nicely staffed, staffed, and it was right by a steakhouse.

What's the name of the, I guess it's in D.C.

They had the old post office, which wasn't a post office.

It was just like the old post office.

It's the Trump Hotel now, I think.

Is it?

I think it is.

I remember going there with my grandma a couple of times when I was very small and like because there was like a food court in it.

It was a nice building.

And they had an old-timey elevator.

They had an elevator from the 1800s, which I was both afraid of and respected and admired.

A hundred percent.

That's exactly the right attitude to have.

Yeah, I would spend often, I would we would walk in and I'd be excited to go to the food court and then I'd see the elevator.

Just like,

you know, like maybe eat wanting so bad to go in there, but like scared of the gold buttons.

Yeah, the gold buttons, the cage, the whole system.

Was there an old man working the elevator?

No, it was not in use.

Yeah.

Bummer.

Yeah.

That's cool.

I never went there.

I never, that was in DC.

I never, my family literally never went to DC.

We stayed within like a fucking

move.

We were in Greektown, and maybe we went to White Marsh.

I didn't go to Towson until I was like 19 years old.

You didn't go anywhere.

I mean, it's like

you're saying I went place, but that's not, that's not went.

That's not going.

That's what I'm telling you, though.

We stayed in Greektown.

Yeah.

Which is so funny.

If you know the size of Greektown, it's four sides.

Greektown is nine by like 12 bottles.

It's 30 houses that all look exactly the same.

Yeah.

Yeah, White Marsh was 20 minutes up 95, and it felt like a fucking road trip, dude.

Dude, you're a townie.

I am.

You've been changing your towny roots.

I was.

Now I'm a fucking real New Yorker.

I'm looking at fucking house.

I'm going to buy a house in Queens.

Hell yeah.

You should.

Like flushing.

Detached.

Fuck yeah.

Single family.

Flushing rocks.

Yeah.

I mean, I've been looking at it.

It's like, I guess like houses are probably going to get cheaper.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then I'll, you know, I'll get foreclosed on.

And I was looking,

my life will suck in 10 years.

There'll be another guy who's like 27 who has a million dollars from like Zip Zap.

Yeah, I'm a star on ZipZap.

We're buying your house in a short sale.

Get fucked.

Get fucked, millennial.

All right.

Dude, Queen, honestly, I would.

That's my long-term plan.

Like, I want to live in different parts of New York for a little longer, but I want to live in like, flushing or fucking.

If I move from Bedside, I'm moving to Queens.

This is the same thing as the Queen, the Queen Town thing.

It is, dude.

I'm trying to live all over New York, dude.

No, when I buy

Flushing,

I want to live.

I want to live in the city and all that stuff, and I want to live around, but eventually.

Sunnyside.

Eventually, I would like to buy a house in like Sunnyside or like

somewhere else in Queens.

Woodside's nice.

Woodside.

Southbrook is just as nice, but Forest Forest Hills.

It's got weird architecture.

It's that weird, like, fucking, like,

like, uh, like, Caspian Sea vibe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All there's like the retarded like Eastern European people.

They have a bunch of town.

They're like,

I want to live in a house with everything look like Mercedes logo.

Every piece of house is very cool, disco vampire vibe.

There's a neighborhood right next to Greatneck, but on the Queen side, that's all all like

criminal

shoes.

They named that neighborhood after the kind of neck that I get.

Greatneck?

Yeah.

After the kind of sexual stuff I'm into.

But that neighborhood in Queens, like the architecture is just a catastrophe.

It's great.

Yeah, there's parts between Astoria and like the fucking airport, basically, like this weird, fucked up neighborhood that has a ton of space, but there's nothing there and there's no train or anything.

But it's hysterical where it's like, you just, there's people that have built like little parthenons, like it's just trashy-ass Greek people that have like columns that go up these fucking big ass marble lions, marble, oh my god, little fucking cubicles.

And what's so funny is that there are like Greek revival homes made by normal people that look good, yeah, yeah, that look fucking like some of those houses in like in DC on like fucking I don't know, yes, like 16th or any of the avenues that lead out of this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, those are fucking cool.

In Calabra, too, yeah,

these are like, these are like they use like weird colored marble like it's like cream colored yeah and they have like gold trim it's so fucking funny looks like dog shit yeah but some of those houses down in like marine park ever go down there no yeah

just everything's like um that like wavy kind of wrought iron whatever that look is and a lot of overlap with like the hasids make a lot of disgusting choices they have awful taste yeah for sure yeah i like their cages for kids that they have in their apartment.

Yeah, the fresh air cage.

Yeah.

The child cage.

I love seeing.

I support flushing, dude.

Get some dumb jail.

That's the other thing, too, is it's basically fucking China, dude.

I wouldn't have to, you know, because I'm always thinking, like, oh, I could move to China.

What if I just moved to Flushing and then I just spoke Chinese all day long and just Chinese people?

No joke, yes, you should do that.

That would be awesome.

Yeah.

I just,

you know, hang out at the dim sunplace, play a little mahjong.

fuck it.

You'd never speak English unless you're doing a podcast.

Not a word of English.

Speak bad.

In fact, you do the podcast to an interpreter from now on.

Or I would just

make the podcast a Chinese language audience.

We get 800 million downloads in Chinese.

That's the trick.

Damn, you'd replace me with that Chinese guy that drinks the beers with Twirling.

Peng Zai.

Peng's Eye.

I love that guy.

He died.

And Adam, you'd replace the little Chinese girl.

No, just

the 14-year-old that Nick used to use to translate to his old roommates.

Oh, yeah, the World of Warcraft child.

Oh, yeah.

That kid, a kid, salute to him, a warrior.

Yeah, that kid rocked.

That whole family rocked, dude.

They were cool.

I remember that.

Them not snitching.

Them holding it down is the best part of that.

The best thing I've ever heard.

The kid using the N-word while playing like Maple Story.

I fucking love that, dude.

And then he would sing, too.

He would always be singing like top 40 songs.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

I'm trying to think, what were like the hot songs in like 2014?

That must have been Classic Man era.

Yeah.

Yeah, around then.

But he wouldn't sing Classic Man.

Get Lucky Daft Punk.

No, that was 2012.

2015.

Happy by Pharrell, Dark Horse, Katy Perry featuring Juicy J.

Yeah, Yeah, that's now we're talking.

That was 2015.

Fancy idiot alias.

I saw a cum shot compilation once on

set to Dark Horse by

Katie Perry.

It was very funny.

That fucking rocks.

You know, occasionally you get a nice chuckle.

You a compilation guy, Adam?

You a cum shot guy?

Is my shit fucked up sometimes?

It's backwards.

My son.

No?

Okay.

No, no, it flips the image in your view, but we see you regular.

I don't know why it does that, but it does.

I think it's because you're used to looking at yourself in a mirror.

So the like

asymmetry of your face is like jarring if you've never seen yourself.

Like if you don't, you're not used to seeing yourself accurately.

I'm about to switch my shit.

They should make a mirror that shows you how other people see you.

Yeah.

If you switch your shit and you look at your face, you're like, what the fuck?

I mean, my face is like particularly asymmetrical.

So when I do it, it's like, yeah.

One of my eyes is like pushed into my fucking head further.

I got a droopy eyelid, too.

This one's droopy.

Really?

Yeah.

Anyway, yeah, I couldn't figure out how to do it, but

I did figure out how to get.

Oh, it looks like it looks like Zoom auto-updated everyone with their real name,

which is pretty cool.

What?

That's not true, dude.

What?

No!

Did it auto-update?

No,

actually, now there's a bug.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, now it's good.

You mean comma, Gabe, but cool?

I didn't do anything.

Yeah, I don't know what you mean.

Oh, now,

yep.

Things are looking pretty good.

Yeah, things are looking good.

I'm just playing old guy.

Damn, dude.

I'm this.

I wish it's summertime almost.

Yep.

And I tell you, there's nothing.

I would love to go down to fucking Brighton and just get some fucking liver and onions.

That's what you miss?

Yeah.

Liver and onions?

Just some wild shit.

Just get some

wild Russian food.

Look at those houses.

I would like a cold borscht.

That would be nice.

You can make that at home.

I don't, yeah.

I don't fuck with borscht.

Yeah, borscht sucks.

Although now I'm kind of.

You know what I'm interested in?

I've never been a Bloody Mary, savory drinker.

Dude, Bloody Marys rocks.

See, this is what how I became because I drank a lot as a teenager, but I mean, just like frequently.

You know, I wasn't.

Yeah.

I guess, you know,

I was miserable.

Yeah, I guess I was drinking a lot as a teenager, but like what really set me off was living in fucking Austin because the day drinking like like world of like, you know, waking up hungover and then going and getting fucking Bloody Marys.

Here are the dog, brother.

Dude, Bloody Marys at brunch or fucking mimosas.

Drinking in the morning is one of the greatest joys in life.

It does.

It is really nice because your day, you have so much hope for the day.

Yeah, I mean, imagine combining the optimism of, because I wake up at 6 a.m.

every day.

And no matter what, even if I've barely slept, it just feels good to be up.

Fresh start, baby.

Get stuff done.

Every morning, I feel great from 6 a.m.

till fucking 9 30 i'm like perfect that's when i get stuff done i read i can watch stuff it's like that's and then every second of the day outside of that is

would normally require lots of alcohol

you know just massive amounts of alcohol and cocaine throughout the day to keep me going and keep that feeling alive

But if you combine the beginning of the day with alcohol, actually, you know what?

The best is to be waking up early, pounding coffee until about 11 a.m., and then you switch to beer or fucking get, you know, go to brunch.

I agree with that because you want to ride out the early morning optimism, feel like you're a good feel wired, get stuff done.

And then the second it tapers off, it's not gone, it starts to taper off, that's when you switch to booze, light up a fat little joint to run.

Your workday should be from 5.45 a.m.

You wake up at 5.30, right?

Wash your face,

brush your teeth, get coffee, three hours, you just go.

You just fucking go.

Six to nine, you just fucking go.

Then you have an hour and a half of maybe like consumption, you know, maybe like broaden your horizons, try to learn something, make a plan for the next day or whatever you're going to do.

Exercise also would be nice.

Exercise would be fine.

And then

you just, then you start getting trashed.

Then you get fucked up.

You just get.

But you're in bed, but you're so fucked up.

Just a little bit, though.

You go to brunch with your homos,

and you get fucking cantaloupe, Bloody Mary's, mimosas.

you get you get a little, you get trashed, you sit there, you chat, you gossip, you know, you compare abs.

And then that should put you, that should land you somewhere around 12:31 p.m.

Okay, and then that's sort of the golden hour for me with like uh with like joking around.

So, if I'm gonna like if I'm gonna come up with ideas for like shirts or I need to punch up a bit or like I've written something and I need to go back and punch it up, usually in between 12.30 and 2 o'clock is when I can do that.

Definitely.

No, that's a great point.

Definitely.

I never thought of that, but you're right.

That's me, too.

Yeah, I feel like that's a nice zone.

Oh, for sure.

The nuts and bolts you do first thing in the morning.

If you got to write, if you got to write like an essay or something, and it's got to be funny, you just write it like strictly premise-based first thing in the morning, go back in the afternoon, punch it up.

Anyways, but now

you're drunk.

And

it's 1:30.

You go out on the hammock, you take a nap, nice fucking.

Oh, fuck.

And I'm talking a nap.

You wake up.

Oh, yeah.

It's 7.30 at night.

You're hungover.

You get some cocaine in you.

You get fucking, you get to take some pickleback shots.

And then the boys.

The boys are just getting ready to go out.

So you hop in their car, one of them.

You wind up at some bar.

Now you're blackout.

You don't know what's going on.

You've been kicked out of the bar.

You're texting people.

You end up.

You've stolen your friend's keys.

You're driving around.

You're driving around.

There's a homeless guy in the car.

You're fucking talking to him about how you get it.

You're calling him brother, man, because you think he's black, but he's a Latino.

You keep saying, God bless.

Yeah.

Let me ask you something, man.

You ever hear of an Opi and Anthony show?

God, God bless.

You sleep through your alarm.

You miss work tomorrow the next day.

You're a fucking Brooklyn gentrifying hipster that becomes religious the second he interacts with a black person at the Bodega.

The best.

Yeah, God bless you.

Yeah, it just makes me want to throw up.

The Volcom preacher.

All right.

God, yeah, God bless you.

Just fucking

the most patronizing shit in the world.

I hate that shit.

And also, clearly, how quickly they'll just switch up, how they have no belief in anything.

It's like you can just be like, nice day, huh?

Yeah.

Good to see you, man.

How are you?

Yeah.

Real nice out, huh?

Yeah, I love the sandwiches here.

Great place.

That's it.

You don't have to fucking.

Yeah, it's not like they're pressing you on God.

They're not even like.

You don't need to cradle their head and dip it in the river.

All those motherfuckers have left, though, you know, they're somewhere.

They're places like, I don't know,

you know, Connecticut, Vegas,

just kind of places like that.

Whereas the real guys are stuck around.

I see, Adam would be that guy if he could get any inroads with the black people about that.

Right.

Black people viscerally hate it so much that he gets the opportunity.

I even open my mouth.

And your ass better not be thinking of saying, God bless you to me.

You fucking Jewish ass.

I know you're not.

I'm just like, fuck.

I just have the confidence leaving my house of saying, God bless that dog.

I've only got one God.

It's the Bank of America.

That's so true.

Just openly doing anti-Semitism in his face.

No one at the bodega reacting.

No, no, no.

Yeah.

Being like, oh, what's up, brother?

Do you have any of the

Berry Blast monster energies?

Can I get a Black and Milds?

Do you have any?

Yeah,

what kind of Swisher Suites you got?

Yeah, where are your blunt wraps.

I'm thinking of

an L to get the guy's praying.

He's like, can you get up?

Can you help me real fast?

Yeah.

I'm trying to put one in the air with you, brother.

Yeah.

Yeah, bless up, dude.

God bless.

Just bless up.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Damn,

I wonder how many motherfuckers are.

Do you think people are going to not come back to New York?

I don't know.

I mean, mean, it's like it'll be interesting to see what happens with commercial real estate because there's a lot of offices that people have been renting that are like, oh, we can just make people work from home.

And we don't have to pay for all this commercial real estate.

Right.

We work was already fucking collapsing and that rented a bunch of commercial real estate anyways.

The residential housing market in New York was already kind of chilling out prior to any of this happening.

Interesting.

With like lost income and shit.

And it's also like, I don't know what the

cross-section of like,

you know, homeowners looks like with all the single-family homes in brooklyn or multi-family homes it's like is it mostly people that just rent you know like a unit or two and they're subsidizing their mortgage with it or or is it it's mostly fucking rich the most the places that have emptied out are like rich areas so it's like Queens is not I mean where I'm at it's pretty fucking regular we're like I'm sure bedside is like that too it's mostly like fucking the upper west side like yeah you know fucking well a lot of people I mean the New York Times published that infographic with like the numbers of address forwarding requests per like breakdown by neighborhood.

And it's a it's like a lot.

Really?

Yeah, he taught me like a big, like a five-block window, and there's like a hundred people that have like

a lot of people.

Have you guys gone into Manhattan at all?

I drove through it, yeah.

I did some when I got the car off back on the car.

Is it cool?

I mean, it's it's literally, I can't, because I do drive around.

I mean, you know,

but you're in your car.

Yeah, it's

no, I mean, it's maybe a little bit less traffic, yeah.

My fucking car, really, people still drive my car shut off on the BQE yesterday, and there's like I had to like, and there's no shoulders either.

I just like stopped in the middle of the BQE, yeah, but you know, it's like, I guess this is how I'll die, but yeah, and that would be you know what?

I feel like that's like a that's good for me, that'd be good.

It's like down with the ship, down with the Volvo

88th, 88th to 2020, getting creamed on the BQE

by a fucking box truck.

You know?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That'd be a cool story.

It would be.

Damn, I missed the BQE.

I can't believe I said that.

No, what had happened was, is I had done some other shit the other night.

just had to like fix some power steering issue.

I had the battery out and then the battery tray was was like kind of it was like there was a.

I just want to clean it off, so I put the battery back in the car, and then I just kind of put the cables on the terminals and didn't

tighten them down on the way.

So the cable of the alternator, dumb bitch alert, cable of the alternator was just a little loose, so it just shut off.

So I just had to took two seconds to fix.

But dumb bitch alert.

Is that is it someone at your door?

No, yeah, I'm ready.

Is that your doorbell?

Is that your dumb bitch?

Yeah, is it you're at the dumb bitch residence.

Oh, it's your doorbell.

First of all, why would it alert you?

Dumb bitch.

Why would it alert you?

If a dumb bitch lived there, it wouldn't alert you.

Well, it's alerting me that someone's at the door.

You're at the dumb fat bitch house.

Can I talk about how mad I am that they renovated, quote-unquote, the Maryland house?

Oh, did they?

Yeah.

They made it look like the fucking, because you know they opened the Chesapeake house, which was nice because it's like, first of all, the Maryland house is like the perfect

perfect rest stop.

Yeah,

the move, the ultimate fat guy move of like, let's get out on the road and then we'll get something to eat, which is like, oh, yeah, immediately.

Yeah.

Well, we're going to need to stop at Roy Rodge.

We've been driving for four dude.

Yeah.

I know when I'm really fucking, when I'm on my eating bullshit, when I stop at the Maryland house, because when you get there, I'm 40 minutes from my house.

Like, there's no reason to stop there.

The spread is beautiful.

They got it all.

They opened the Chesapeake house, and that one sucked but i remember being excited about the chesapeake house opening but they also renovated the maryland house because it used to be that cool old like fucking big colonial style building yeah that

tore it down like no

tore it down

gone and now it's like some new style just like the chesapeake house bummer open

yeah a lot of glass they got all the same restaurants um Jesus fucking Christ, man.

There's just people just blowing up my fucking spot left and right.

Did you drive to Maryland?

Why are you thinking about the Maryland house?

Well, I'm hungry all the time.

Is your diet done?

Friday.

Hell yeah.

Oh, shit.

Well done.

Very nice.

Yeah.

Actually,

this is business, so I got to take this phone call.

Okay.

But

that's we're good here, right?

Yeah, we're good now.

They got Wendy.

Oh, they got the Phillips, Wendy's, Jerry, subs, and pizza, Carritos, burritos, which, if you want to change your pace.

And they have a Carvell in there, which is very nice.

So you can get a cake.

You can get a cake on the road.

In the car.

But I guess that's going to do it for us, folks.

Watch Stavi Solves Your Problems on Twitch this Friday at 6.

Ian Fidance will be my guest.

That's a great.

If you want advice from Ian, 903-883-STAV.

Call in, leave a voicemail.

Come.town.

I got three new shirts out this week.

I'm rolling out some more soon, but the shop is

fully functional again.

They're printed up,

everything being sent out.

I don't know.

Just go look at the shirts.

Just buy the motherfucker shirts.

You don't have to buy them.

Just go look at them.

Come.town.

If something appeals to you, then get it.

If not, I say buy it.

We're still in the market research phase of me figuring out how to make t-shirts because I cross the line very too often.

And these are the ones that

retard selling?

Oh, yeah.

That's a good one.

I mean, that's the thing is artwork can offset

being offensive, I guess.

But imagine the ones Nick throws away.

Yeah.

The ones that don't see the light of day.

Imagine ones that me and Adam are just like, oh, yeah, that's something.

When he's like, what do you think of this?

Like, oh, yeah.

I'm sure.

It's good.

You can find a couple of retards to wear that.

But I tell you, the shirts thing, this is, I mean, I've never, I've like,

this is what's been missing for my life.

This is like filled up.

That's great.

I filled the void that's been missing since I stopped writing.

I love that.

Yeah, check him out.

Adam, you got anything?

Nope.

Okay.

Well, that's it, folks.

Thanks for joining me.

Bye.

See y'all later.

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