Ep. 207 – Piss of Penus

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Oh shit, you got flood rockers on the head and flood rockers in the background, Nick.

Big respect.

But this is this is the kind of shit we should be doing before exactly 3 p.m.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For

not only future reference, but also past reference.

Literally the last show we did.

Yeah, when we said, hey, it was agreed.

Yeah, let's try to get this going by, make sure everything's good to go by 2:55.

It was a five-minute window, was all you had to.

So maybe tried 253.

No, no, no.

255 is fine, I think.

Yeah.

I understand.

It's Rosh Hashanah.

There's other things going on.

We're constantly doing different Rosh Hashanah.

Yeah.

Rosh Hashanah.

Does anyone say it like that?

Rosh Hashanah.

Rash Hannah.

Rosh Hashanah.

Rash Tashana.

What's Rosh Hashanah?

The Day of Atonement?

Yeah.

No, it's the New Year.

15%.

Yom Kippur is the Day of Atonement.

15% off.

Passover is 25% off.

Yeah, nice.

It's like different tags at a thrift store.

Yeah.

Passover is the day that Circuit City went out of business and they did an 80% off liquidation.

Barash Hashanah was the holy day of sticks and stuff liquidating.

Wow.

Liquidation.

Yeah.

That's where Moses got all the stuff for the fucking the little

little shit with the ram.

What's that shit called?

The chofar?

No, not the chofer.

Didn't he have like a didn't he have like a like a treasure chest?

Yeah, he did.

Yeah, he had a tabernacle.

What was in that motherfucker?

What was in the treasure chest?

I don't know, some gold.

They made him carry it around for 40 years.

Yeah, well, he was just in the desert.

Did you either you guys notice I trimmed my mustache?

Did you?

You can see my mouth now.

Oh, I guess that's true.

Oh, yeah, you do.

Yeah, you look better.

I trimmed the whole eating area.

I shoved all my hair in my mouth and then i just used the razor on to cut it out and then i spit all the hair

that's fucking gross

that's how you have to do it yeah it's weird it looks your face looks better but now the bottom looks like oh

well it's because it's all frayed you gotta put some oils in there dad oil that

I didn't I slept three hours last night.

Shit, what were you up to?

I don't know.

I just woke up.

You want some manic shit?

You've been working on shirt ideas.

No, no, I just didn't sleep well.

I'm not sleeping either.

It's so I get up at like five.

Talking about me.

Okay.

Thought we were sharing.

We were discussing my.

So, what else is going on with you, Nick?

It was rude of me.

Yeah.

I had breakfast this morning.

That's awesome.

Adam?

Yes.

Put the coffee down, please.

Come on, I'm trying to listen to what Nick had for breakfast, Adam.

That's true.

We're trying to talk about Fud Ruckers here.

I'm just making Fud Ruckers at home for breakfast, and I hurt myself.

I haven't been sleeping well.

I hurt one of my balls making Fud Ruckers at home.

Hello, police.

Police?

Police, I've hurt one of my balls making FUDRUCKER.

One of my testicles has been stuck in a cast iron skillet.

Police, send your best man over here.

I need the essential workers to come here immediately.

I've hurt one of my boss making Fud Ruckers at home.

I was trying to make an ostrich patty,

like I was from Fud Ruckers, and it was so dried out, I threw it on the ground.

I was, like most people in quarantine, I was missing

my American right, my constitutional right to access Fudruckers.

Thomas Jefferson said, I shall visit the salad bar unmolested.

Absolutely.

That's true.

I'm about to get Sally.

I'm about to get some pussy from Sally and then go to the city.

That's in the Constitution, is that you're not allowed to be molested.

Dude, I love doing shit unmolested.

Yeah.

I hate when I'm trying to do my American rights, and then someone puts a thumb in my ass.

When I'm trying to stop a British guy from being quartered in my house,

and then the fucking government puts a thumb in my ass molesting me.

That's so annoying.

Benjamin Franklin had his asshole licked by an older gentleman when when he was eight.

And that's why he had to invent stuff.

That's why he's such a fucking freak.

Yeah, that's why he was like, he's like, fuck this shit.

I'm going to kill myself with a kite.

So he was mad.

He was trying to get electrocuted so hard he wasn't going to be gay anymore for being molested.

Yeah, I'm going to put the stove in the middle of the living room to kill myself.

And then it didn't work.

He just warmed his house.

He just warmed his house.

I'm about to make milk punch to kill myself with milk and fucking boots at the same time.

He hooked all of, he made it, all of, poured all of the wine in his house in the glasses and set up a pulley system so you could drink all the wine at once.

And then

somebody came over and they're like, what's that?

He's like, oh, it's my new piano.

Yeah.

They're like, that's not a piano.

It's 35 glasses of wine.

He's like, yeah, no,

it's an instrument.

Oh, yeah, watch this.

Woo!

Yeah.

People are going to.

Ooh, bitch.

In 15 years, 100 years from now, everybody's going to be playing this thing.

Of course, it's a musical instrument.

You guys don't know who Prince is, but a guy like that is going to love it.

Nah, I'm not drinking myself to death.

I'm not going to drink.

Nah, it has nothing to do with that thing I put in the Constitution about being molested.

Just put that.

Hey, Ben, you keep saying at the end of every amendment you want it to not be molested.

All the founding fathers are just putting their personal issues in there.

You shall have the right to bear arms and not have your penis ridiculed by your wife.

I don't want any of these British faggots in my house.

Make that rule number three.

So you can't put no more British fags sleeping on my couch.

My roommate always has his British friends over, and I don't want that.

No, I don't want.

I pay rent, and I'm not having the using my Xbox.

I don't want them here.

Once, you know, maybe a weekend a month, sure, but every day?

Yeah.

No British homos.

Isn't one of them that you can't, you have to pay back a loan over $20 or some bullshit?

I don't know.

I put that one in there.

Benjamin.

Yeah.

One of them is really stupid.

That was Franklin Benjamin.

You put that in there?

Yeah.

No, I'm a different guy.

I'm different.

I noticed.

I saw that there was a sign out front that said free luncheon, and I always just see if my name happens to be on the list anytime I pass by a free luncheon.

And by chance, it was.

And so I came in here.

My suggestion is that

you're not allowed to, you have to pay your loans back.

$120?

I'd listen.

I'm not crazy.

$10 is free.

$17?

Let bygones be bygones.

I'm not like one of those Jews.

Is there a dip for the crudite?

Is there any dip for it?

Can I take it home?

Who let this man in here?

Yeah.

Can I take some of the crude dip home with me?

Take whatever you want, please, Lee.

How about we put a thing in here that says we have to give all our money to Israel?

That doesn't exist yet.

Okay.

Well, can we just remember that for later?

Oh, right.

I'm sorry.

We haven't told you guys about that yet.

My fault.

We'll put it in so when you read it backwards, it says you have to give all your money to Israel.

Oh, right.

We haven't orchestrated the Holocaust yet to get Israel yet.

My fault.

The plan hasn't gone into effect.

I'm only another 100 years.

I'm 150 years ahead.

My bad.

Franklin Benjamin.

Franklin Benjamin.

Sneaking his way in.

For one of those legendary free lunches when they wrote the Constitution.

Yeah.

You get a pint of Sam Adams, and you know,

they have some, there's deli meats out, and they got a sandwich from Jersey Mike's.

What was the spread back then, man?

They exalted.

At the Constitutional Convention, yeah.

Uh, yeah, probably

did he is his shit cut out for you, too, or is it just me?

No, no, I hear.

No, it's no, it hasn't.

Okay,

yeah, my internet died.

A lot of people know this, but my internet died right as we were finishing the uh

last app.

Last episode.

Got it in just under the wire.

Through the wire.

We did the last episode.

And then Nick's internet cut off because he was downloading too much Sampon.

Yeah, it sucks because it's like there's literally only one option for internet here.

And I mean, it would almost be better if they just told you to go fuck yourself.

Because it's like,

you know,

what are you going to do not have the internet at all?

They got you so by the balls.

It's just optimal.

I had a roommate that had a dispute with the internet company when I lived in D.C.,

and they hung up on him because he was being too rude.

And we had to get cell phone internet.

We had to get like 4G signal into our basement apartment, and it just never worked.

And because he refused to apologize to the cell phone company,

the cell phone or the internet company?

Sorry, the internet company.

Yeah.

Damn.

We had to get like, it was the worst internet in the world.

What did he say?

He called the lady a stupid cunt.

I was like in the room.

I was like, give me the phone.

He's like, you don't have to be such a fucking cunt about it.

You guys know this.

You guys have met this guy.

That's so fucking funny.

Calling a lady a cunt.

He's like too proud to apologize to fucking Time Warner cable or whatever.

So now.

I mean, they are the worst companies, but.

Yeah, for sure.

I want some fucking RCN.

They don't got that shit in Astoria.

They almost do.

All we have is time on it.

What is RCN?

It's some other cable shit.

I don't fucking know.

It works better.

That's what people say.

Yeah, my shit.

Yeah, I think where Nick and I live in Brooklyn, it's only optimum.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's just optimum.

Damn, dude.

I'm over here drinking your little beet sludge, Nick.

Yeah, how is it?

Sorry, I didn't respond to an email.

Not bad.

A very important email what was it

um i've been selected to participate in a survey

whoa dude for real the top prize for being the best of the survey is a girlfriend from the orient that's

cool dude is it the census as you know i've been i haven't been getting any pussy because of the i the quarantine right right right yeah the only reason is the quarantine it's uh

yeah girls don't like me because of the quarantine.

They're worried that I have coronavirus.

It's happening to a lot of people.

Because they heard about all the pussy I used to get.

They heard

it from that, from all

rules.

They know about all that.

My philandering.

With no wife.

Yeah, my swashbuckling and philandering that I used to do.

And so they're like, man, I wish I could come give pussy, but

everybody's quarantined by law.

Everybody's down by law.

Yep.

And so, therefore, I just now respond to spam emails.

So, now you've got a survey that's usually sent out to guys.

It's funny to imagine as like some

52-year-old man who's like new to computers just responding pissed off to every single spam email he gets.

Like,

you must think I was born yesterday

to forget.

I'll have you know, I don't know you from Tom Dick or Harry, but I've been

I've worked at fucking batteries plus for 25 years.

And if you think that a

district manager of my caliber and esteem would fall for, well, I got a Brooklyn Bridge to sell you, pal.

And let me tell you, it's just a fucking robot.

Just emailing robots all day long.

A bridge would be nice to own.

I know that saying, I got a bridge to sell you, but wouldn't it be cool to own a bridge?

Wow.

You could just fucking sit up there by yourself, nobody fucking

crossed.

You could get pussy from the girls on the bridge.

You can get pussy on the bridge.

Yeah, there's a lot of options.

You can get bridge pussy.

You can get bridge pussy?

You could bungee jump off it.

You'd have to deal with them damn trolls underneath the bridge.

Well, you get to shoot whatever troll under the bridge.

Dude, I wish I could shoot my trolls.

That's for damn sure, brother.

Are you being trolled, Adam?

Do you have people trolling you?

I don't know, not really.

I don't think so.

I mean, always, but I don't think so.

Nothing nothing too.

I stopped paying attention.

Yeah, n nothing out of the ordinary, just true.

I feel you, dog.

Just your average, you know.

Just get it.

Go to the

to the camps.

What is that thing that Yogi Bear would say?

Just your average fucking bear?

Didn't he say something like that?

Smarter than your average bear?

That's what he said.

I don't remember remember that.

I remember the picanic basket, though.

But I'm just some, I'm a fucking, just a bear over here.

I'm a fucking bear.

I'm a regular ass fucking bear.

I'm just a fucking stop.

I'm just fucking, don't look at me.

That's what he said, right?

Don't make fucking eye contact with me.

Don't fucking.

Don't piss me off.

What was Yogi Bears?

I would love to have a trivia show where you don't have to get the answer right.

You have to guess whatever I'm I'm thinking.

That's good.

I love it.

Whatever I'm okay.

Yeah.

You know, it's like Jack.

So you don't say anything.

Yeah.

You're just sitting there.

You're just silent.

Yeah.

Someone's like,

you want lunch?

No.

Get off the show.

You're off.

Yeah.

Episode 52 over.

No winners.

No winners.

And we're going to have your balls removed.

The money is burned.

Money's burned.

Yeah.

In front of children.

You're just sitting on a pile of money.

That's what dying children, they just love cash.

They just, we're going into children's hospitals bringing cold, hard cash to kids with cancer.

Just opening a briefcase on some, just slamming it down on the hospital bed.

My lungs.

Just opening.

My lungs.

My only lung left.

Shut up and smell the cash.

Smell the cash, baby.

The cold, hard cash that you got by being a pussy.

God, it's called.

You better hope this guy fucking thinks of what I'm thinking of.

Yeah.

When we got back from Iraq, we knew we wanted to do something with either charity or coffee.

The problem with both is that they're both gay.

And all the coffee has been unfagged by other veterans.

So we knew we'd do make a wish, but fuck you style charity.

So we're going to show these kids how they would get treated if they were in Iraq.

If they had to be born in Iraq instead of America.

They were one of us.

One of the devil brothers.

Devil brothers from hell have come back from hell doing hell shit

to

save good white children.

White meaning American, not

nationally white.

We don't mean racially white.

It's not racist.

Look, you ask me, brother,

as long as you're fucking...

You got one hand up towards the American flag, you're white to me.

I mean, this.

The one we do.

I'm at the point by you saluting by the eye, not out.

I mean,

I mean the one that we're supposed to do.

Whoops.

Whoops.

No, I'm not a Nazi psych.

Yes, I am.

Nope, psych.

It's part of my just-kidding mentality.

I didn't know those kinds of guys were that big kidders.

Yeah, you don't know.

Those guys are hilarious.

They're some of the funniest guys.

Yeah.

Part of my just kidding lifestyle.

Yes, sir.

You never know when I'm joking around.

Let's say, yeah, in Iraq, you really learn how to laugh for the first time.

Yeah.

At all the sufferings.

Just bringing a fucking Humvee to a kid that's got leukemia.

You're like, get in.

It's yours.

Where's John Cena?

It's yours.

John Cena's behind you, pushing you, making you step on the accelerator.

Let's do 95 in a 30.

That's not John Cena.

You got to prove that you're not a P-U-S-Y.

I'm getting cold.

Yeah, it's because your blood sucks.

It's because you got nothing but what do you got in those veins?

You got fucking menstrual fluid in there.

What's this?

What's this bag?

You got a bunch of big old bags of pussy fluid here.

What is that from?

Your mama's pussy?

Why don't you man up?

I don't need this shit.

Yeah, we're taking the lessons that Chris Kyle taught us to save these kids from cancer by being by doing exactly what they need, which is some tough love, Jenny Jones boot camp style.

They're going to boot camps.

Jenny Jones, Jenny Jones.

Okay, today we're talking to eight-year-olds who have cancer.

We're going to straighten them out.

We got Maureen Kyle coming in.

And boot camp Kyle is going to tell these kids what for, you know?

What do you think you're doing, pussy do you want to grow up to be a pussy

stop having cancer now drop and just stop having cancer just stop it

hold my pocket yeah

none of this no chemotherapy for you bitch coming up

unscared not having cancer anymore we're taking

we're taking white kids to jail

You suck my dick till you ain't got cancer no more.

That's what I'm going to do to you.

I would love.

I'd love that.

Just the guys they get for scared straight.

Just sexual predators.

They're like, yeah.

All right, listen up, fellas.

Just attention, real quick.

Hey, Marcus, quiet down.

So we got an elementary school coming to the prison.

A couple of kids are pretty bad.

We need to know who is willing to threaten to rape and murder children to their face

so they stop stealing gift cards from Best Buy.

And lie to that.

Or that they do their homework.

We need to impose

lasting, permanent psychological trauma on these kids

and document it on video and replay it so that throughout their life, you know, when they check the TV guide listings, they'll remember the day that they were verbally sexually assaulted.

It'll go into syndication.

Who's one, boys?

Got an extra Dorito packet for you.

I remember they did that remake at Scared Straight, and they had one, they had this little black kid, and these guys threw him into a bathroom stall.

And it's like two grown men.

What?

And this kid's like five feet tall.

And they're like, when you in here, now you can't do nothing.

What are you going to do?

We can have all wait.

You know, they're just to describe, they're saying that they could like rape him in the bathroom stall.

And he's just like crying.

I saw one where a kid like spun off.

I bet he'll never tell the teacher to shut up after.

He'll never take take paper clips without permission anymore now that I said I was gonna put my thumbs in his ass and spread him open yeah I said we're gonna do we're gonna put a speculum down his throat and then drip get the paraplegic guy the paraplegic gang member we're gonna beat him off and let him drip nut down your throat

wheelchair guy out

on wheels

I saw one where a kid actually swung on someone and he he basically called their bluff he's like you can't hurt me.

And then he just swung on somebody.

It was pretty funny, actually.

Wasn't there one, maybe we talked about it on the show where

there's like a British version of this where they did not really do any homework and they sent a guy in there and he did get raped?

What?

Yeah.

No.

I think we talked about this like a year ago.

A child?

The British people, they get raped at like regular private school.

That's so funny that

you could go to private school in Britain and get like, there's a good chance you'll get raped.

Right.

Oh, 100%.

And then

you're rapist acting.

Well, and then you have to be an adult or whatever, and then like you're trying to navigate your life.

You run away from your stupid, fucking rich family.

And you're like slumming it and fucking

invade everywhere.

Chesterbread or Doryburg or wherever the fuck, you know, dumb

northern English town you end up in.

Yep.

And people are like, oh, you went to private school.

He's giving you a hard time.

Yeah, you must add it real easy.

Yeah.

I'm like, that's why I left.

That's why I left to be Adam Sr.

That's my origin story.

Dude, you think that's why they invaded India?

Because they were like, I have to go.

I'm getting away from here.

Where's the father's place?

They just got tired of getting raped.

I'm going to go down there and I'm going to put a big feather on my head and I'm going to be an Indian guy.

I'm gonna rape them.

That'll show them.

I'll bugger them.

I'll rape them.

Man raped by inmates during scared straight prison tour.

British Columbia.

Oh, we're gonna pull that up.

Oh, so that's in Canada.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we talked about this before, but still, it was the terms of probation in the late 1970s.

Owned.

I think we can squarely put that man in the owned category.

Yeah.

Boom.

He was in the late 1970s.

That was probably, I feel like there was more rapes happening in the late 70s and mid to mid-80s than any other decade in history.

You think that was rape of the world?

Oh, yeah, baby.

Yeah, that was

the

hangover from the free love generation of

the late 60s.

Yeah, the golden age of rape.

The free love generation was followed by the golden age of rape.

Yeah.

It is the time to get raped in prison.

We're raping everyone.

Yeah, that's some 70s style stuff.

Sucking penis, eating asshole, at my point.

You know, I'm just a child of the 60s, you know, getting raped in jail.

Just the free love movies.

These are the forced love movement in the 1960s.

Yeah, I used to drive my VW bug.

Me and a couple of guys, we had a VW bus, and we'd go around picking up, you know, just fellow lost traveler souls, and we'd tie them down in the back, and we'd have our way with them.

Yeah,

we'd usually put a shotgun in his mouth or in his ass, and then whatever the shotgun wasn't in, we'd put our dicks in.

It was kind of a whole scene, man.

It's like the A-team, but

the R version of the A-team, that are going around raping veterans.

Kind of the the same theme there.

The same theme.

It would be funny if it's in the same episode.

We talked about both of them.

It involves a bang bus in each of them.

Remember, I probably said they said, like, rape van all the time, and it was just because of

Silence of the Lambs.

He had a van that he rapes people in, I believe.

Yeah, he gets the fact.

He picked up Fackerall up.

He's like, can you help my arms fucked up?

Can you fucking help me put this

couch in the back of my van?

She's like, oh, yeah, of course.

I'll help this ranger.

10 p.m.

And he's like, well, it'll be easier if you get a van.

I haven't seen it, like I said.

Really?

What?

You should watch it, dude.

It's a Baltimore Classic.

Yeah.

Set in Baltimore?

Well, yeah, actually, yes.

Hannibal Lecter's The Insane Asylum.

It's set in the mid-Atlantic, so it's all from like Virginia.

I think it goes to like southern Virginia to up to Baltimore, but I forget where it ends.

Because Buffalo Bill lives in like Ohio or something.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, Hannibal Lecter.

Hannibal Lecter is from Baltimore, and he's in.

Oh, nice.

He's in an insane asylum in Maryland.

Fuck yeah.

Maybe I will watch it.

I'm thinking on Saturdays I'm going to do a thing where I watch three movies.

That's my Saturday move.

So maybe I want to watch Constantine.

I want to watch with Kiana Reeves where he goes to hell.

Oh, that's cool.

I want to watch Little Nikki.

Yeah.

Oh, that's a classic.

That's a fucking classic.

I saw somebody post about.

You're doing the hell series.

Yeah, I think I'm going to do the hell series.

So, what's the third hell?

So, okay, I can't do it.

End of days.

End of days.

End of days?

End of days is a great pick.

Really?

Who's in that?

Arnold.

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Hell yeah, dude.

I'm f upset.

It's done.

Was that his comeback after Governator?

Was End End of Days, or did that come out before?

I think Six Days came out before that.

Whatever.

No,

End of Days was what?

My penis is six inches exactly.

I thought that was his first movie after Governator.

1999.

Yeah, End of Days came out before Six Days.

It came out.

Six Days was probably, what, 2001?

Is it a banger or is it like some old Arnold shit?

The Six Day.

Yeah, sixth day is 2000.

Sixth Day is 2000.

Fucking End of Days is 1999.

Uh-oh.

You should also watch Spawn.

I've seen Spawn, though.

You should watch the HBO Spawn miniseries.

Okay.

Starring James Gandalfini

as Antonio Spawn.

Antonio Spawn already?

Yeah.

Spawn.

Antonio Spawneduccio.

Spawneduccio.

Hey, I'm fucking in hell.

Hell's different than it used to be.

You know, how it used to be?

It's different now.

We used to have guys like Satan, Adolf Hitler.

Now it's Jeffrey Epstein.

He's child molest.

Where's the honor in hell?

Where's honor?

Where's the guys that used to kill a bunch of Jews?

Now it's the fucking Jews.

Now the Jews are down here, too.

Where's the ethnic cleansing?

Now we got Jews in here.

Where's Jewish out?

You know, it used to be my people that ruined this neighborhood.

We used to be the ones doing all the crime.

And

they got other guys moving in here doing a different type of crime.

Used to be a respectable place.

You could go around breaking people's knees and demanding money from milk vendors.

Now, look at it.

It's somebody doing heroin and minding their own business and listening to music I don't like.

No, it's a different.

They fucked it up.

It's going downhill.

It's shit.

Nobody's terrorizing blue-collar workers just trying to make a living, barely getting by.

You know, like.

Nobody's doing that to have mistresses to also beat like their wives.

Yeah.

Because we brought, that's something we brought over.

From the old country.

Literally.

The only piece of culture we retained is the worst aspect of it.

No, I don't speak the language of the Duch Leo.

No.

Yeah, Yeah, no, no.

And when I do, I speak it worse than somebody who's in the

first class you could ever take on Italian.

I speak it worse than if you just showed a mentally incapacitated person Italian and asked them to guess how it's pronounced.

I speak it worse than M.

You could shove spaghetti up of an aged patient's ass and have them shit it out and it would sound more like Italian spoken in Italy.

Than the way that I pronounce Capicoli.

Than me trying to fumble my way through a sandwich menu.

It's true.

Most of their Italian is sandwich-based.

Yeah.

Well, I'll tell you what.

This is

exciting news, folks.

I love

I needed to re-up my underwear.

Wow.

Oh.

And so I thought, should I buy underwear or should I talk to our old friends at Mac Weldon and just get some underwear from them?

Okay.

And what did you do?

And then, well, I talked to them and they they said, yes, we'll send you some.

And then I think they forgot, but

I am eagerly awaiting my Mac Weldon underwear because

the one pair I did get from them, I ended up, because they gave it, you know, you get like a little credit or whatever to be a sponsor.

And then I think I blew it on like socks or something.

And I only got one pair of the actual underwear, but they're great underwear.

And I'm ready to throw out all of the underwear I have.

This is great news, too.

I'm glad they're back on the team because i have my pants twice during the quarantine oh and i don't know how exactly i've managed to do that you know you're it's maybe a lot of fruits and vegetables it's so funny because it's like i kind of like i have this attitude of like i don't shit my pants but the other day it's like i went to shit and like just

complete liquid and

it's like it was one of those ones where i'm like i should probably sit on the toilet it might be gas but i should probably sit on the toilet just to be safe and it's just i've like, just, I've just hit my numbers every time, you know?

And that's the nice thing about Mac Weldon is that you can't shit in them.

It's impossible.

It's impossible.

It's impossible.

Mac Weldon was, it was originally a diaper company, and then they thought

everyone knows that.

They thought, well, what if we could actually prevent people from shitting their pants in the first place?

And so there's actually dangerous chemicals in the.

If shit is released, your cock will dissolve.

Yeah, there's actually

dangerous chemicals that go up your asshole when you put on the underwear that seal everything permanently, which actually makes them great if you're ever headed to prison because it'll

about to be scared straight, put on a pair of Mac welders.

You can't be sodomized while wearing Mac welding underwear.

I guarantee you.

You're going to like the way you're not getting raped.

You're going to like it.

You're going to like not being raped.

I guarantee it.

That's the Mac welding promise.

I guarantee it.

Yeah.

No, honestly, I'm sitting there and I wish I had I wish I had the that Ma I was wearing Mac welding underwear right now.

And I don't, you know, I just want to get rid I hate the underwear that I have.

And it hurts my balls.

That's tough.

You don't want that.

My balls hurt from my underwear.

I've constantly hurt my balls trying to make FUD ruffers at home.

Oh, I was going to ask them anything to do with the FUD ruffers.

Yeah.

And so I need Mac Weldon underwear to fix my balls.

You're putting your balls in peril too often, man.

Yeah, they really do.

I mean, all jokes aside, it is a very nice pair of underwear.

I tried it on.

I'm like, oh, you know, because it's like one of those things, you know, before the podcast took off, it's like, oh, I need bed sheets.

So I guess I'll buy buy like the cheapest fucking piece of shit.

I guess I'll buy extra large garbage bags and flash sheets.

I mean, literally until two years ago, I didn't know there was a difference between things.

Like, I didn't, I didn't, like, it did not occur to me that there was possibly a nicer, you know, like my dishware was always like fucking like, somebody threw out a bunch of forks.

You have like seven

forks and one knife.

Yeah.

You know, like the good, and then all the forks that they like are coming disconnected from the handle.

That was my setup.

Like fucking plates that were designed for children that come from broken homes to play house with.

You know, like not even real plate, like make-believe.

Pre-K plates.

Yeah, eating off that or whatever.

Yeah.

So yeah,

my approach to underwear was very similar as well.

You know, you get the fucking Joe box or 36 pairs of underwear, including an extra one, just in case.

Just in case 36 in a bag wasn't enough.

You're going to refresh.

If you're not necessarily potty trained, these are the underwear for you.

But anyway, they're disposable, basically.

Yeah, but that Mac Weldon shit, man, I'll tell you, that's nice.

Cradles your nuts gorgeously.

Feels good on your ass cheeks.

Yes.

I love having my ass cheeks slicked up by a nice pair of Mac Weldon underwear.

Oh, yeah.

I said, it's the homegrown down here in Louisiana.

All the cotton's cotton never touches a pair of hands.

There's a man goes through the field, got his butt cheeks out, and just rubs it,

glues up his butt cheeks and just runs through the field, and all the cotton is done, stick to him.

That's how you know God smiled on his ass and said,

that's the cotton for your underwear.

And

that's how Mac Weldon sources all of their cotton.

Yeah.

And

now going on 25 years that it has been completely the entire process, not a single stage involves slave labor.

Nope, this is just glue between a man's ass cheeks.

Since 1995, we are 100% slave-free labor.

It's the owner of the company glue, super glue.

That boy super glue up his ass.

Now, he is a retard boy.

I'll let you know that.

That is true.

By law, you ain't got to pay him.

No, he is not.

He is allowed his God-given freedom to run butt cheeks out through that field, which is the only,

that's how you know God smiled on him.

The ultimate form of payment for the

found his way into a position as the butt cheek boy

in Louisiana's number one underwear company.

If you

have mental disabilities, your number one goal in life is to pick cotton with your ass.

How about George Zimmer?

But he's like, you know, he's got like nipple clamps on and just like a little leather hat and he's new

and his penis is out and it's men's bear house.

Yes.

And he's like,

fuck me and my ass.

Yep, I guarantee.

No guarantee.

And we're back to Mac Weldon.

Yeah, they got underwear.

The underwear is good.

They got a bunch of other shit.

Like I said, I blew the money on socks.

And the socks are good.

They got sweatpants.

Socks are good.

But that's the other thing, too.

It's like, you know, I just buy the cheapest socks.

I didn't know.

All their shit's nice.

They got upgrade your shit, bitch.

Get some Mac Weldies.

Oh, shit.

Here's this.

Is new.

They got a new adjustable Storm Chaser rain jacket.

Oh.

I don't know what adjustable means.

Does that mean it has a zipper?

Yeah, it has a zip.

First time ever a jacket has ever had a zipper.

They're fucking rambling.

It's adjusted for being closed and open.

Yeah.

The storm chaser.

Like you're in the movie Twister.

They actually have another line of jackets called the Bug Chaser, and Adam has that one.

Yes, it's true.

I do have that.

It buckles like a baby's onesie under your balls and ass.

And actually, there's a hole in the ass part.

That's what the bug chaser is.

It's got a slot where you can put your safe word.

If you forget it, you can pull it out

and say it.

Yeah.

Also, you can zip it all up.

and only have your eyes

a gim suit.

Yeah.

It's a gim suit.

It's Mac patented Mac welded.

patented Mac welded.

It's got silver ion technology.

Antimicrobial.

Yeah, antimicrobial.

Antimicrobial.

Adjustable Storm Chaser Rain Jacket.

These are really, this is the longest-lasting, highest-quality items on the market.

Shit.

I love that kind of shit.

Yeah, I love items.

And I love it when they're the longest-lasting.

When they're on the market and they're the longest-lasting on the market.

You know me, dude.

I'm a player.

I'm a straight-up player.

I love the game.

I fucking stroll into the market.

I'm spinning my timepiece around.

My penis is pulled through the fly of my Zoot suit.

And it's swinging back and forth to the tick of my clock.

Very nice.

Oh, you have them set up so the clock and the cock

are sympathetic.

They're just swinging them together, baby.

And people are like, hey, man, nice cock.

Where'd you get that Zoot suit?

And I say, MacWeldon.com.

Yep.

And then they go on there.

They're like, I don't see Zoot suits on here.

And you're like, I meant something else.

But the checkout.

I put the jacket.

I forgot to put the jacket on.

I was wearing the suit's nice because it was raining earlier and I had the Storm Chaser jacket on, protecting my timepiece and my cock.

That's right.

And my suit.

But check them out.

So just check them out anyway, though.

Yeah, check them out.

Yeah, they got really good stuff.

Yeah, they got good stuff.

Your dick's just chafing.

It's bleeding because of the zipper.

Yeah.

It just keeps rubbing up against it.

Yeah.

What's the word, chopper?

Anybody know what time it is?

I can't look at my clock because then I can't spin it anymore.

I want to look at it, but I'd rather keep spinning it.

It took 20 minutes to get my cock in sync with my timepiece.

It's hard.

It's like doing double Dutch.

If I stop, I'm afraid my penis will fall off.

My penis might fall off.

It's fake.

My real penis is a nub.

It's so small.

I'm wearing it.

I'm trying to get glue to attach it.

I'm wearing it.

Yeah, I stole some butt cheek glue off a retard boy and glued up.

Fake cock here.

The mascot of Mac Weldon.

The spy versus spy guy with his dick out.

Time off.

Oh, fuck.

Guy versus guy.

Yeah.

Two gay guys trying to suck each other's dick.

They're just like,

this is the spy versus spy guys, and they're got binoculars on.

They're trying to see each other's dicks.

They're on separate buildings trying to look at each other's cocks.

How does Spyvers, does one win?

Does the white one win?

I have no idea.

There's a go back and forth.

Imagine a Roadrunner situation.

Whoever came up with that shit, that guy got it made.

That

and the dude came up with a no-fear pissing boy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Calvin and Hobbes.

Yeah, whatever.

Nobody knows what it's from, but the boy pissing.

I straight up didn't know that that was Calvin it's Calvin Hobbs or whoever it's it's very clearly Calvin Calvin and Hobbes I didn't know for I knew him as the boy pissing for years yeah it's I didn't know about Calvin and Hobbes pissing boy and cat

comic it's funny to just be like a just like a hick reading Calvin Hobbes be like when's he gonna start pissing on shit

a boy ain't doing nothing is he gonna piss on a tiger when's he gonna I know him about from the pissing stuff man that's what got me into this.

He hasn't pissed on a Chevy logo once.

If you watch a preview for a movie and it's got a boy and he's done pissing on shit like the words fear, you know,

fucking Chevrolet, and that's being pissed all over.

And you watch the movie and it's some gay shit about imagination.

Brother, I'm about to do a James Holmes in the movie.

And that's all a bumper sticker is.

It's a preview for the movie of whatever the thing is.

And

that's today's sermon for you.

I'll see y'all next Sunday.

I'll see y'all.

Amen.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Promo.

What was the promo code for Mac Walden?

Oh, we're still doing them.

We're still doing it.

They believe in smart design, premium fabrics, and simple shopping.

Yes.

The most comfortable underwear socks, shirts, undo shirts, hoodies, and sweatpants, and more than you'll ever wear.

More, you hear that?

Like regular pants, condom sweatpants.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What if we made condoms for harder people?

I know what you're thinking.

Do they

work, Don?

I don't know.

Are they thicker or are they thinner?

Shut up.

Yeah, well, they have like safety

elements.

Just shut the fuck up.

Yes, sir.

Just everyone, shut up.

It should be a safer condom.

Yeah.

What do you hear?

Silence.

And what do we do in silence?

We don't know, Don.

I'm asking you.

I've run out of steam here.

To be quite honest with you, I'm trying to get fired.

Lucky strikes.

Put him in a Chinaman's ass.

Yeah.

Because if I got fired, I would spend all of my time at home having sex.

Yes.

Mac will be most comfortable.

They want you to be comfortable, so if you don't like your first pair on wear, you can keep it.

And they will still refund you.

That's that's oh, yeah.

Silver line.

I forgot.

You know, we do the other reads, and there's so much bullshit in the fucking talking points.

They're like, it's the best.

Next bullet point.

It's also good.

You know, and it's like, yeah.

Do I have to read all this shit?

Anyways, but this is their.

They do have the good shit.

MacWelding is just the facts kind of company.

Yeah, right.

The silver underwear and shirts that are naturally antimicrobial, which means they make your dick look bigger.

So big.

They're anti-micropenis you.

Which means.

Yeah.

They shrink your thigh somehow and make your dick look big.

Yeah.

They want you to be comfortable.

So if you don't like your first pair of underwear, you can keep it and they will still refund you.

No questions asked.

That's a free pair of underwear.

And they're good underwear, too.

You could just, you could scam them.

You could just get the underwear and be like, yeah, I don't fucking like it.

I don't like it.

And then you get it for free.

Oh, and this is now we got Mac Weldon really does value its loyal customers.

They've created the Weldon Blue Loyalty Program.

Wow.

Oh, nice.

For the Uber.

But if you scam, then you can't be in the loyalty program.

This shit doesn't need to have a name.

I'm sorry.

Just you can say, sign up for an account and you get a discount, right?

That's it.

You don't.

The Mac Weldon Blue Lives Matter program, dude.

The Mac Weldon Blue.

That's for the cops.

I like to get my dick welden blue

and cut off all circular.

I tie my underwear around my dick and get it weld and blue.

Who's that racist children's band?

Prussian blue?

Is that it?

Yeah, Prussian Blue.

Yeah, it was a racist children's band.

Yeah.

Yeah, but then they went, I think they went Rasta.

They went anti-racist?

They stopped being racist, and then they went Rasta.

Fuck yeah, Rasta.

Pretty sick.

Very cool.

Mac Weldon really does value its loyal customers.

That's why they've created the Weldon Blue loyalty program.

I'm like the opposite of Madis Yahoo.

Yeah, Madis Yahoo does not value his customers.

They create an account that's totally free.

Level one, place an order for any amount and never pay for shipping again.

Oh, that's cool.

Ooh.

Did you hear that, Nick?

Now you're mad it has a name?

Yeah, I still think a name's a bad idea.

These are great benefits.

Level one, you get a place in order for any amount, you never pay for shipping again.

Level two, once you purchase $200 worth of products from MacWaldon, not only will you continue to receive free shipping, but you also start saving 20% on every order you make for the next year.

That actually is awesome.

And level two also grants you access to new products before they're released to anyone else, as well as free gifts added to future orders.

They better give us access to those.

I'm trying to be level two.

If I have to read all this bullshit, then I better be in the welding blue loyalty.

I'm trying to be welding.

I got my balls nice and welding blue.

Yeah, why don't you, how about the me loyalty program?

How about you get you can do my program and then I can get free access?

I want the next jacket.

Yeah.

I want the wind.

I want the parka.

I want the pussy chaser.

The pussy chaser, yeah.

Yeah, the pussy chasing jacket.

Personal experience.

Oh,

I already said that.

But we did it up.

We talked about that.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

So let's see here.

Where the fuck is

the promo?

No, yeah, I'm looking for the promo code.

Here we go.

For 20% off your first order, visit MacWorld.com and enter promo code COMTOWN20.

That's C-U-M-T-O-W-N-20.

If we had, we probably had an older promo code.

This one is ComeTown20 now.

Come Town20, bitch.

Use that one.

Yeah.

Use that one or suck this dick.

Because they got to

cold steel.

They got to check all this shit for metrics or something.

But C-U-M-T-O-W-N-20.

And you get 20% off your first order, which you spend $200 and you get 20% off all your fucking shit.

That's really good.

So spend $200,

get $20 off,

and then you're getting $20 for the rest of your fucking life.

You damn a fucking idiot.

I love doing this.

I wish we could just be on QVC.

Me too, bro.

I'm going to start drinking being if I get a QVC show and start drinking again, just being like, well, you fucking see this shit?

It's a fucking magnet on your refrigerator.

But you take it off and it's an elevator lift for your shoe.

I'm coming here.

I'm coming home.

I'm coming home from a long day of being 5'6.5 at the office.

And

I see my son for a minute for him to respect me.

I take it out.

I'm 5'3.

And then guess who's putting, now it's my turn to be proud.

And I'm putting his homework up on the refrigerator.

Call such a beautiful

15 payments, $85.99.

Families together.

$87.99 a week for 13 years.

And

the entire entire collection of magnets can be yours.

You call now, we're throwing in this lightsaber I found at Salvation Army.

We got one.

It's got a homeless man shit all over it.

The first caller gets the complimentary

lightsaber from Salvation Army, which I'm being told is actually just part of an amoir.

It's not a lightsaber.

It was a clothing rack and an amoir.

It's a piece of wood that someone has put in their ass.

What I like to call it is

we call it the imagination shaft because it can be a light sound.

We're always drinking.

We're always thinking of stuff here at QVC that could be different.

Could be different.

There could be different things.

That's the thing.

The key to QVC.

Q.

A lot of people don't even know what QVC stands for.

They say Q.

How many words start with Q?

Queen, queer?

Quality.

Yeah.

Quality vagina chomping.

Is that what it stands for?

I don't actually know.

Quality vagina.

I just show up and they pay me $700,000 a year.

I don't know.

Fuck yeah.

They got good pussy on QVC, honestly.

Yeah, I've tried all of it.

The 5-3 lifts guy fucks everybody at QVC.

That guy runs QVC.

He runs through QVC.

This is getting pussy from every bitch selling her mop.

Yeah.

Her cake pan.

Oh, yeah.

No, we're all drunk.

I'd like to see them try to meet Toomey.

The police are calling QVC.

They're like, Are you a woman?

Are you working at QVC?

Call now.

In the next 15 minutes, if you report a rape, you'll be able to accuse three men for free.

Yeah, you can try me, bitch.

QVC's in in international waters.

Yeah.

We're in an island floating off the coast.

Yeah,

actually, we're in Studio City.

Shut up, shut up, man.

Shut up.

Shut up, man.

They think that they think that Culver City is international waters.

I've convinced all the women here that international waters, it means any body of water.

So if their pussy's wet, there's no laws.

Yeah, but nobody's ever wet.

You're fucking 5'3 and you're committing rape.

I'm trying to, I'm trying to get, I'm trying to get some international waters.

You know what I'm saying?

Sir, your mic is on.

This is a hot mic situation.

Yeah, I know.

I'm talking into it.

You're talking into the mic.

You're admitting all your crimes on television right now.

I'm so drunk.

I'm so fucking drunk.

I've been broadcasting collapsible ladders and Tupperware for 47 hours straight.

And when we go to commercial break,

I got a bunch of those little airport shooters.

And I'm trying.

Look behind.

Look behind the craft services desk.

There's a fucking pile of them three and a half feet tall.

Flu shots?

Yeah, I'm trying to die die on air.

I'm trying to do, I'm doing like a leaving QVC moment.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

That's beautiful.

You know, I told that Chinese girl, I said, You want to be my Elizabeth Xu?

And she's like, I don't know what you're talking about.

You smell off.

You smell terrible.

Yeah, please leave me alone.

Yeah.

Who is Elizabeth Shu?

She's the girl from leaving Las Vegas.

She's the girl from leaving Las Vegas.

The QVC guy is drinking himself to death

while filming QVC.

And he's like, maybe you can be my...

The reference only exists in his head.

No one knows that.

Gotcha.

So she's like, what do you mean?

I've never seen you leaving Las Vegas.

She hasn't either.

You're the Chinese girl in the movie.

Oh, nice.

Because you both have

small genitalia.

That's not true.

It is true.

I agree with you, Nick.

Yeah.

What the hell was that?

I didn't say that.

Yeah, it sounds like you agree with me.

No, I don't.

Yeah.

What is that?

Well, I just said Stop had a small penis, and Stop said, I agree with you, Nick.

No, I don't.

What?

Yeah, I mean,

I do not agree with you.

Yeah, I'm picking stuff.

Sounds like

that shows growth.

Hold on a second.

Hold on a second.

Hold on a second.

What?

No.

You got him back there, buddy.

No, what?

Actually, I don't agree with you.

I just, you know, right now

because you only get one chance to answer.

Okay.

Okay.

You're digging small.

I agree with you, Nick.

No, I don't.

No, I don't.

I'm sorry, man.

But we all heard you.

You said that you agree with me.

And it was.

Well, okay, let me ask you this.

Is Adam's penis small?

Yes.

I agree with you, Nick.

I agree with you, Nick.

No, that's.

You can't say that.

Maybe I can.

You can't judge that.

He can say that.

I agree with you, Nick.

Yep.

I agree that I can say that.

Thank you, Nick.

I don't think there's a reason to use this button that Sigs are going to agree with me with.

I like that it exists, though.

You got to add a psych at the end to cancel it out.

A psych would be good for your purposes.

Not that I want to give you more arrows in the quiver, but anytime I say anything where I'm like, my dick isn't small, you can say psych afterwards.

Yeah, I'm going to bring that soundboard back and use it against you.

Yeah, that makes sense.

That's my

campaign strategy.

What are you running for?

The Summer of Sound.

No, I mean, like a military campaign.

Oh, okay.

Nice.

Fuck yeah.

Operation Haagen-Daz.

I don't even like it that way.

When I turn against Stav,

but only to curry favor with Adam.

And then once Adam lets his guard down, blamo.

That's the

final move.

Wow.

That's a great psych.

That's good to know, man.

Now that you've tipped your hand, now that I can, now I'll go to the fucking artillery shack and get more fucking guns than you actually.

Damn, I'm going to get a big gun.

Yeah.

I wish I had a.

I should get a better soundboard.

That's a good soundboard.

Well, it's only got three buttons now because it was six, but three of the slots are used up for the USB to get the sound back from the zoom.

Interesting.

I feel like, you know, with this quarantine shit, I've gone through cycles where it's like, you know, and everyone does.

First, there's maybe like a slight novelty to it, you know, even though it's fucked for sure.

And you feel selfish for being like, oh, this is

kind of cool.

Kind of tight.

Yeah, even though it's like, it's, it's not tight.

It's just that there's a change and it's exciting because life is banana.

For like a week, it feels like a vacation.

Yeah, it's staycation.

Yeah, I don't know if it feels like.

It's like camping out at your house.

Vacation, it's like, let's see what's going to happen, I guess.

And then

that goes away, and then there's like frustration.

And now I think I'm dead.

I don't think I.

Acceptance.

Yeah, I just don't feel anything anymore.

That's a great stage to get to, honestly.

I'm jealous of that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's kind of like you, Adam, or Nick, you're kind of the way every woman that fucks Adams.

that fucks Adam's pussy feels.

I agree with you, Nick.

You agreed with yourself.

That's not that powerful.

No, because Nick nodded.

So I agree with him agreeing with me.

I agree with you, Nick.

Okay, now you guys are like tea partying or

all right.

Oh, we're talking about it.

So to be clear, what every woman's pussy that fucks Adam feels is what do you guys tea partying or what are you guys tea partying or agreeing with each other?

We got a couple of you guys at some sort of tea party.

Is this Fox News Boys over here?

Why are we at a tea party?

I don't get it.

I don't know why I said it.

I thought tea partying is.

I think it's...

wasn't it from the game

Four Square?

What are we doing over here?

Is we're gonna get a couple of tea parties

and seven years ago.

Adam's digital.

I thought a tea party was when two people in of the four bounce back and forth between the two of them used to be called tea party.

Four inches and seven millimeters.

Oh, I got the wrong wrong speech.

Sorry, everybody.

It was a letter to

a friend of mine who

measures

things.

Anyways, slavery's bad.

Slavery's bad.

I'm Abraham Barack O'Lincoln, Bama.

My name is

Abraham

Hussein Lincoln.

It's true.

He was

love to fuck my friend's thighs.

I love putting blubber on my friend's thighs and fucking it like it's a pussy.

It's funny, it's like for a second there, I was struggling, and I'm like, I'm like, fuck, what does Abraham Lincoln sound like?

And it's like, oh, I have no idea.

Who cares?

Yeah, I was like, I was like, why can't I do an impression of Abraham Lincoln?

I can't even like.

He had a high-pitched voice.

So he sounded like you?

I agree with you, Nick.

Okay, well, Stop agreed.

Let me reagree.

I do agree.

He didn't need a button.

He would have just said it.

No, apparently he had a high-pitched voice.

Yeah, you know that because of Daniel Day-Lewis.

No, but yeah, that's why I learned it, obviously.

Yeah, well.

But they like.

It doesn't count as knowledge if you learned it from a movie.

That's not true.

Yes, it is.

I learned a lot of stuff from movies.

Herbie Fully Loaded.

There's a lot of good information in that.

Like what?

I don't know.

I never even saw it.

Liar.

Fucking liar with a little ass dick.

Herbie the love love bug

was the reboot with Lindsay.

Lindsay Lohan.

I mean, the car drives up like the Golden Gate Bridge.

It's pretty cool.

Didn't that happen?

I don't know.

Would you like it, Nick, if you had a best friend who was a car?

I'm not going to answer that question.

That's insulting.

The answer is yes, of course you would.

The fuck does that even mean?

You would love to have a

situation.

So I just, I am the.

It's in a world where there's anthropomorphic cars, one of them happens to be my friend.

Your best friend?

Honestly, no.

Why not?

Because you want to drive it.

Well, I like cars, and they don't need to be people that I can have conflict with.

There will be no conflict.

It's your best friend.

It's your best friend.

You guys get along great.

No, you know what?

Everybody has conflict with friends.

You have minor conflicts, but you get over it with your best friend.

Yeah, I just don't want to have to bitch the other cars being like, well, that's it's not even really that big of a deal, but like they won't fucking let it go, and I'm not going to let it go.

So now we just have to pretend to fucking still be mad for days on end, even though we're both exactly 35 years old.

This is very illuminating

of what you think your relationship with your best friend is like.

What you need is like a second best friend car who tells you and the car that the other one is really sorry, but too proud to admit it.

You need a Jewish intermediary car.

maybe

what kind of cars do they make in Israel?

Yeah,

but the problem is that that car would just run out of gas if it weren't for the other two cars towing it around town constantly.

That's true.

It's ran out of gas 10 years ago.

I agree with you, Nick.

That car, yeah, that car hasn't had an engine in it since 2012.

But every once in a while, it can come in handy.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, I suppose if I had that dynamic, then yeah, that would be nice.

Two cars.

If I had two cars,

they was like kind of complimenting each other.

It was like a system.

Yeah, that would be fun.

That would be nice.

I would like to have a car like Kit from Night Rider, dude.

Yeah.

And there's pussy over here, stop rose.

Mr.

Feeney.

Yeah.

There's a girl that wants a psycho penis over here, stop rose.

That would be invaluable information to have for my car.

What are you drinking, Adam?

I love to paintbrush out.

Michael, I can feel your penis on the seats.

It feels great.

Is your penis getting harder, Michael?

Uh, kit, uh.

What the fuck?

Kit, that's pretty fucked up that you would do that.

Cut us out.

Michael, Michael, do you have your underwear off?

Because I can feel your balls on the seat.

It feels great.

Michael,

your car, you're good.

Michael, I just wanted to say that threesoms with you.

Yeah, it seems that you have sex with a woman in the car.

Michael, I love the way your balls.

When you drive around naked, the way your balls stick to my leather seats.

It feels great.

It feels really good, Michael.

What a sick theme song, dude.

Cool shorts.

The balls are sitting kind of strange in them.

It kind of

Michael, I'm gonna raise the seat up so it touches your penis more.

If it's all right with you, Michael, I'm gonna turn the seat warmers up so your nuts expand and there's more surface area to touch my seat.

I think it was Mr.

Feeney.

Can you hear that?

Yeah,

so badass.

Oh, hell yeah.

Ayy.

Damn, this shit rocks.

Oh, shit.

I think Currency did, uh, he sampled this.

He has a song called Michael Knight.

I remember that song.

Yeah, shit rocks.

What happened to Currency?

He was great.

That's one of the best theme songs of all time.

Probably.

One of them.

That one.

Baywatch is a good theme song.

Baywatch is solid for sure.

The Hill Street Blues theme song might be my favorite theme song of all time.

I don't know it off the top of my dick.

How did that sound?

Did that come through loud and clear?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It only cut off the way your shit cuts off for some reason.

It was better last couple weeks, but it's still getting back to that for some reason.

Well, yours is doing it also, so.

Well,

maybe fuck you, actually.

What is this?

It's a fucking ad for.

For Provincetown, Massachusetts?

I don't know.

It's some Jerry Bruckheimer show, Hightown.

On stars.

I just deleted the stars.

Somehow, like, once every six months, I find out I've been paying stars just hundreds of dollars.

Yeah, yeah.

You're like an elite member somehow?

No, I had to fucking delete the subscription, and then six months later, Stars is like, What's up?

What's up, actually?

It's been no, yeah, no,

yeah, no, I came.

I just went outside for a cigarette.

I've been, I was here.

You know, trying to fire up Spartacus?

What the fuck is this?

Yeah,

I'm not paying for fucking because I watched five minutes of Space Jam

before falling asleep.

I don't want my Stars membership.

Hmm.

Just wait till it gets going.

Yeah, okay, this is an awesome one.

Shit, this Cameron could do something with this for sure.

I think he may have, actually.

It sounds familiar.

Yep, from Harlem Streets.

That's right.

That's why I know this.

That's right.

I don't actually know this song.

I've never seen the show.

The show's good, too.

Yes, dude.

Yes, I'm playing.

You guys can't hear it, but I'm playing the Cameron one.

Cameron.

It's fucking awesome.

It basically they basically didn't touch it at all.

It's the best.

He's funnier than most comedians.

For sure.

He's so funny.

Well, I'm trying to think of

other good theme songs.

I don't know.

Honestly, Neon Genesis Evangelion,

the anime I watched, has a pretty banger of a theme song, I have to admit.

Yeah, Knight Rider is too good of a theme song for the show.

It's incredible.

It belongs to an awesome movie.

Yeah, it's sick.

The Miami Vice theme is great, but that's also

a good show.

You know what's better than that is the other Jan Hammer song, Crockett's theme.

From the show, but it's also, it's not the main theme.

It's this one.

Fuck you, Liberty Mutual.

Liberty Penis, fucking mutual.

I finally know

that.

Fuck YouTube.

Fuck YouTube shit.

Yeah, they're like, do you get that thing where it's like, do you want to watch nine ads now or watch them throughout the video?

And it's like, are you threatening me?

Suck my dick.

How about I just don't watch this video?

Yeah, fuck you.

I'll steal this somehow, bitch.

Oh, you know what's a good theme song?

Feel free to disagree?

DuckTales.

DuckTales is a classic.

Yeah.

DuckTales.

I am gay.

What is it?

The Fatal Farm video?

That's what each that in my memory.

What a great.

What is that?

Don't tell him.

He's not allowed to.

All right.

The fact that he doesn't already know about it, and it's one of the things.

We've talked about it on the show.

We played it on the show like three years ago.

Yeah.

I don't remember it fucking three months ago.

Yeah, you don't remember anyone else's jokes.

In a week,

I got

safe space in a week.

You'll say, You know, it'd be really funny if you did a video where the girl from DuckTales gets kidnapped by the weasels and she's

she's held and sexually assaulted.

Dude, we played it.

I watched it.

Okay, now I remember it.

Now I remember.

Now I remember it.

It's awesome.

Yes.

DuckTales.

Suck mother can eat my ass.

And fuck me.

It must.

I can't wait to suck them.

Fuck me.

And my ass.

Use my asshole like a pussy duck test.

How does Scrooge McDuck?

Scrooge McDuck is Scottish?

Yep.

Yeah, he's their Scottish Jewish uncle.

Yes, sir.

He's a miserly Scot.

I mean, Full House is a great theme song, too.

It's iconic, at least.

Yeah, iconic doesn't mean good, because there's shows that are like have iconic theme songs that suck.

Like the Family Matters theme song fucking sucks.

it's bullshit.

The Family Matters theme song might be one of the worst fucking theme songs of all time.

Yeah, it has nothing to do with the show.

Is that it really has nothing to do with it?

It sounds like Rod Stewart, but I don't think it is.

Yeah, it's fake Rod Stewart.

Yeah, it's like,

and you know what?

This one's kind of a hot take.

The Friends theme song sucks.

Friends theme song sucks hard, penis.

Yeah.

So no one told you that I fucked you in the ass.

Yeah.

I held you down and put you on.

Yeah, Jesse Frederick is who sang the

family theme song.

That was the thing, like, if you were a gay guy in the fucking

1970s or whatever,

all you could do is either make puppets for children or sing TV theme songs.

Those are the only two jobs.

Didn't Alan Thick write a bunch of TV theme songs?

Did he?

Yeah.

Jesse Frederick James Conaway is his full name.

He was born in Salisbury.

Oh, shit.

Local boy.

Well, he was raised in Seaford, Delaware.

Fuck you, bitch.

Fuck you.

You left.

Fuck off, you Delaware piece of garbage.

Shit.

He died of cystic fibrosis

at age 12.

No, that was his brother.

I didn't read the whole thing.

Oh, okay, damn.

Anyway, let's see.

Let's see.

Every time you saw it.

Oh, Cheers is a really famous song.

I love reading about these guys.

Yeah, these like 70s guys, you know, with their shitty combovers and their, their like sweaters and their giant lapels that just made theme songs.

And then you go down to personal life, and it's always like

he died of AIDS.

He's a confirmed bachelor, right?

He died of AIDS.

He got AIDS by accident somehow.

Yeah.

He overdosed on AIDS.

Here we go.

Shout out to fucking.

He's married to his wife, Holly.

Together, they have two grown sons, Kieran and Nicholas.

So

let's see.

Let's see who's this beard.

I'm going to contact this widow and be like, admit it.

Admit that he's

a podcaster, and I was saying your dead husband's gay on the show.

And I can't be wrong.

Tell me he's fucking gay, bitch.

I'm trying to think of other things.

I know I'm forgetting some good ass.

Every hoe, you fuck.

Somebody

I guess I was wrong about that guy.

So he was not gay.

Damn,

I'm getting bad at this.

I'm getting bad at fucking shooting from the hip and calling people gay based on a song.

A song I heard them get commissioned to write.

Yeah.

I mean, the first line is: it's a rare condition.

I mean, imagine you're an artist, and your first thought is, like, what's the opening line for this show about a black family in Chicago?

It's a rare condition.

And they say, you know, black and not being a criminal.

No, you wrote the side game for this time.

It's a rare condition.

It's called AIDS.

And some people have it, even though they're not gay.

They're like,

they don't have AIDS.

They're definitely not gay.

Don't check their personal life.

Except the one neighbor who might be gay.

But then it turns out he's just a nerd.

He's not gay.

And neither am I.

I have a wife.

It sucks that they didn't make like fucking, like, like Family Matters in the mid-naughts.

Because then you could just have scenes where like Urkel, like, Carl tells Urkel to leave.

And Urkel starts, like, his eyes roll back in his his head, and he starts hyperventilating and trying to go Super Saiyan.

And he's got, like, yeah,

he's like, he's like an actual nerd.

He's got, like, shell braids, and fucking

he's wearing like Avoracks.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Just the most fucking not tended to cornrows of all time.

Just the messiest cornrows.

Laura, I brought over Sonic Adventure 2 Battle.

If you want to play,

Laura, you're not even good at school, Steve.

You're just a fucking loser who tries to speak Japanese.

Steve, you're in emotional problems, class.

Steve, you had to go to an alternative school for having emotional problems.

You have a parole officer because you have temper tantrums.

They had to call the police to the school because you were spitting on people.

You were talking to yourself and spitting on people.

You were narrating how you were getting revenge.

They'll see.

One day they'll stop messing with Steve.

What was that, Steve?

You'll see.

They'll all be sorry.

Yeah.

When Steve unlocks his powers.

Yeah, the pitch.

So basically, it's a middle-class black Chicago family, but the neighbor is a black kid with emotional problems.

Yeah, he's like a black nerd.

Sounds good.

We'll take it.

Six seasons, please.

Up top.

Yeah.

No, that show was on forever.

They changed Aunt

Rachel like nine times, I think.

I don't know.

They just changed the whole cast.

Yeah, they did that with all

the black shows.

They were like, yeah, just swap them out.

Nobody's going to do that.

There was a couple, yeah, a couple different Aunt Vivs.

Yeah, and Facebook, of course.

Yeah.

Everybody knows that, Adam.

Yeah, to even say that like it's information is embarrassing.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

I agree with you, Nick.

You're agreeing with yourself, you're calling yourself Nick.

Did you know that there's more than one on Viva?

Did you know that?

That's really interesting.

Ah, what I sound like.

Did you know that?

I'm closing my eyes.

Sorry.

Who said that?

Did you just pull a tooth out of your mouth?

Me?

Stop.

No.

This is a piece of

like a flosser.

Oh, I love those.

What is a flossing sword?

Oh.

It looked like a shark tooth, and then I missed the beach.

I miss collecting shark teeth on the beach.

Fuck it, brother.

I want to get on the beach, Mahalo.

Ah, dude, I got to get back in the mahalo mindset.

What are you doing?

Pools in Vegas?

Yeah, but we...

Do you have a pool at your house?

We were always going to get it, but we never did it.

Everyone's got a pool.

It's 100 and fucking 25 degrees in the summer.

You should just build a pool, dude.

You should build a pool.

I'm gonna dig one.

I'm gonna be pissed into the pool.

You should dig one, dude.

You should build a pool for your father.

Look in the Bible.

Look in the Bible.

That's true.

Dude, like holes, like Stanley motherfucking Yelgats.

You should watch that movie again, so.

I don't think I will.

You should have a shy afternoon.

Shy afternoon, man.

I do want to watch

the rear window remake, he's in.

I remember I used to get so excited about marathons on TV.

Yeah.

Hilarious that they call it a marathon.

I know.

You were having a Star Trek push-up contest.

No, you don't actually do push-ups.

You just sit and watch Star Trek

atrophies while you watch it.

Yeah, you watch 14 hours of Star Trek Deep Space Nine while eating, as a fat child, just the cheese packet from a craft mac and cheese box by itself.

The powder.

powder, as if it were fun dip,

just eating the cheese powder, wetting your finger, just sticking your tongue in there and licking at it, yeah, and then eating ramen like chips, eating ramen noodles like chips.

Like, I'm this is great.

I love watching Star Trek, it makes me smarter because it's for smart people who know how to do it

smart show.

I thought that as a kid, I thought it was like space, I mean, science fiction.

You gotta be a fucking genius to understand this shit.

This guy's got a French name.

Yeah, no, I mean, he's got there's aliens.

You gotta be a fucking, you gotta be a genius to know how that works, bro.

That's true.

That is a good point.

I think most Trekkies still feel that way.

Yeah.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I have to piss a Duccio, and then I gotta eat something.

Yeah, I'm hungry.

Same, brother.

All right.

Lunchtime over here.

Folks,

all right, folks.

Thanks for listening.

Catch you next time.

Check out.

Oh, shit.

I already ended it.

Whatever.

But the audio is still going.

So, if you want to uh

check out my Twitch channel, I got a whole whole new bunch of sorry, go ahead, yeah.

I got a whole new bunch of shirts, the line new lineup coming out in the next week and a half.

I'm still finishing up designs, I got two of them out, and then uh, oh, yeah, yeah, the shirts are ready to go.

If you've been waiting to buy something, maybe wait another week or so and see what we're doing.

We've seen some advanced copies, folks.

These are some good-ass shirts.

You're gonna

buy them bitches, a couple of hot boys.

And if you if you want more content, if you little sluts are starving, I'm doing an advice show on Twitch at 6 p.m.

Friday.

It comes out as a YouTube video and also as a podcast.

It's called Stavi Solves Your Problems.

Call 903-883-STAV and leave a voicemail, and I'll do it live on the motherfucking show.

Every Friday at 6 on Twitch, and every Monday at 7.30, I do an art show with my little brother.

So check that shit out, you fucking whores.

And hopefully, this shit is a hoax and we can get back to fucking live performance soon.

I hate not being out there, dude.

Yeah.

Adam, you got anything?

Mm-mm.

Okay.

All right.

Well, that's it, folks.

Bye, fake.

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That's right, sofas started just $699.

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