Ep. 200 – Serendipity

Hello and welcome to Come Town, the remote try number one.

We had the vibes were good.

The vibes were good and then we had some technical difficulties.

Yeah, and now I'm just

I'm apprehensive because it feels like this is gonna

it's just gonna continue.

It's just gonna fuck up.

Luckily, that was four minutes in.

What happens when it's fucking it's like the 23 minute mark?

Oh, 23 minute mark.

23 minute mark, we use that.

We pause.

You pause, but then it's like, who's gonna go and clean up all that video?

And fucking, I mean, I guess if you got a guy,

there are a lot of nerds out of work right now.

We got nerds, dude.

We got a couple nerds.

We put money into the economy.

We got nerds on the payroll.

They come through, they look at the podcast, they give me top through a hazmat suit.

I'm trying to get pussy through a hazmat suit, dude.

Yeah.

Is that safe?

Isn't that kind of already what a foreskin is?

Nature's hazmat suit.

Isn't that what?

Bitch, no, I'm not wearing a condom.

I got a foreskin.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

God gave me a condom.

Yeah.

That's what I tell every fucking dumb slut.

So anyway, we're here, guys.

And you can, there's also video probably on Patreon.

You're not getting to see my fucking shoulders for free, you fucking sluts.

But yeah, I'm here in Astoria.

Nick is in beautiful

his bunker with the owls.

And Adam is

in the attic.

It might be.

It might be.

Sex Festival.

He's in the attic, the Anne Frank.

We should just

We should save the

free...

I'm not saving about my DNA that's been built for this lifestyle.

You

put the free episode video just on YouTube and then the premium.

Because there's no reason to double up and then just have video from the regular episode on the

Patreon.

Why should you get to look at us?

Yeah, I mean,

it costs money to look at us, man.

Either you don't put the video at all up or you just put the regular one on YouTube and then the premium one because we got to do video anyways for the fucking premium one.

Yeah, I guess that's true.

I mean, we're going to have to.

I'm just thinking only fan the only fans lifestyle.

Yeah.

I'm just the way I'm going to use my books.

The way I'm going to look at finances is through the cam girls that

though I don't subscribe to, I will look at when they post an occasional picture of their titties onto Twitter.

Yeah.

I will, you know, jack off to well, not fully jack off, but I'll use it as an appetizer for a full jack session.

The libertarians are getting.

We all have

love lenses in our asses right now.

So every time you tip, it's going to buzz.

Dring, dr-ring, dr-ring.

We should get a tip charge.

Yeah, we should get a tip.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Where do you get it?

Thank you, fucking Lando Shot First 64.

Whatever the fuck.

Where do you get those things?

Love Ends Crafters?

In the back of a Lenscrafters, they have a bunch of things you put in your ass.

I'm going to Love Ends Crafters to get a prescription dildo for my ass.

There's a mold.

I have to get prescription dildos for my ass because, and I have to go to Love Ends Crafters because I'm poor and I've got a special ass.

That's right, dude.

I need to go.

And they're the ones that take Medicaid.

So

it's perfect.

Can you imagine the government paying for that?

What if, okay, how about this, boys?

What if there was a special dildo?

You get a fucking mold of your ass

and the dildo doesn't even hurt at all.

It doesn't feel like anyone's fucking you in the ass, but it tickles your prostate and it's awesome.

Would you do that?

Would I put it?

Would you sh the question is, would you put a dildo in your ass?

No, but a special dildo.

Oh, man, I've missed you.

That's genetically, that's genetically fucking

designed to not even feel like you're getting fucked.

It just feels awesome when you only feel it on your prostate and you just bust hard.

But it's would you, and then there has to be some sort of

like compensation or

yeah, I'm saying, would you put a dildo?

Would you put a dildo in your ass, but it's a really special crafted for you dildo that does it.

It's engineered to not be gay.

I feel like we're getting dumber in the sport and seeing.

Nah, I feel like

that.

I feel like that was a great question.

I should really fucking bat around a little bit.

I guess so.

I'll consider it.

I'm so apprehensive.

I'm just so on edge that this shit's going to stop working.

I'm trying to be cool.

You got to relax, brother.

I'm trying to relax and not worry about it, but it's fucking, I'm livid.

I was ready to go.

I was happy.

We were having a great before all the tests.

We were having a nice time.

Everything tested fine.

I just tried to play music again.

That doesn't work.

I guess

there's probably some DRM thing that prevents it from

working.

Maybe that's what it was.

Maybe they shut it down.

Could be.

You know?

Maybe they heard, maybe they heard the fucking, what were you playing?

Michael McDonald's?

Yes.

For the quarantine.

I just found out I'm gay.

They just told me.

They just found out I'm gay.

They just told.

I watched War of the Roses the other night.

Remember that movie?

that's michael douglas and a another a different bitch michael douglas and kathleen turner yeah is it a divorce movie it's a divorce movie where danny devito explains to homer simpson of all people um tankas area no or no castellanada castellanetta yeah yeah wow explains to him this story he's narrating the whole story interesting

so it's the way like uh and it's weird i used to watch it as a kid and i always thought it was like i mean you know because it was on TV all the time.

Right.

And I didn't really,

you watch it as an adult, and it's really sort of just about how Michael Douglas is like a shitty closeted homo husband.

He's like, I can't wait to make partner, which I didn't put it together until the end of the movie that he was talking about a law firm.

I thought he meant partner in like a relationship with another.

With a man.

Yeah.

How come lawyers are always trying to become partners?

They're like, I don't want to be a husband anymore.

I want to be a partner.

If my options are partner or husband, I'm choosing partner.

I'm trying to make partner.

Yeah.

Can't you understand?

Once I fuck enough pussy, I can have sex with a man.

Once I can make love to Levine.

And I don't know.

There's another.

Epstein.

Stern Berkowitz.

Honey, could you just give me a minute?

I'm trying to make love to Levine in the living room, please.

It's such a great story.

Why don't you tell it, honey?

Yes, well, we were in Paris, and,

you know, Michael, of course, wanted to have gay sex.

And so he went into the theater.

The theater.

It's the theater I went into.

Sorry, she's an idiot.

She is.

She's stupid.

She's an imbecile.

She's a woman.

She'll never understand the pleasure of having a

dildo specially designed.

No, that's not what this character would like because these dildos are for straight men.

That's the exact whole point of these dildos.

Thank you.

I don't get why.

The whole point.

Why do that?

How about it?

Because it's specially made to not be gay.

Are you not even listening, Adam?

What the fuck?

But it is gay.

How about it?

It's not gay.

First of all, it's not even gay to put a dildo in your ass.

A store that

in the post-apocalyptic world, I'm opening a store that specifically sells knives used to threaten women.

And it's called The Whole Point.

And that's the name of my store.

Yep.

That's really good, man.

Yeah.

That's really solid stuff, mate.

I love it.

I just got like my Vietnam veteran vest on.

We all get to wear those anyway.

I love that, dude.

So, Adam, are you just going to stay in Vegas while it turns into a war zone here?

Well, you guys know what's going on.

Yeah, you should.

You honestly should.

No, I mean, like,

I mean, like, permanently.

I mean, no, because

I have a dog and a responsibility.

Somebody's gonna eat that dog.

That dog's gonna be slurped up by the Chinese before you.

That's true, dude.

That dog's out of New York, dude.

That dog made it out of the city.

Did it?

The dog's safer than me and Nick.

That dog is living life right now.

Yeah.

That dog is in the Hamptons right now.

Oh,

well, it's crazy.

All these rich people are already going upstate and like infecting all the upstate New Yorkers who are just like impoverished rednecks yeah yeah

although like Westchester got it before the city yeah probably yeah but I'm not talking about Westchester Westchester got it bad people are going up to like fucking Albany and shit

damn dude I never got to see the state house in Albany apparently it's gorgeous

shut up you said that you've said that a couple times I want to see it apparently it's a gorgeous building there's no way it's gorgeous dude we'll go someday one day when this is all over Sav go to the Statehouse in Albany yeah never we're never seeing any buildings.

We're never getting any pussy.

It's over, dude.

Yeah, we're just going to die where we are.

Yeah.

I guess so.

It sucks because

I feel like I've been living like this already for years.

And I was finally like, you know what?

I'm going to get into going outside.

And then this happens.

Now's the time, dude.

I've been taking walks outside, but just fucking dodging whoever I see.

Yeah.

I started running.

I don't know.

I haven't been going outside at all.

I did one last Costco run.

And, but other than that, I think it's like I've been getting mad at Ian because Ian's like posting all these videos of him riding his bike around, riding the train.

He's like, look how empty it is.

There's no one going around, touching everything.

Fucking asshole.

You know, it's like, what you mean, like you?

Yeah, you're the problem.

Right.

And then, and well, he's like, don't you think it's important to document this stuff?

Yeah.

Oh, you're going to do it.

Fucking historian Ian Finance.

Yeah, documentarian Ian Finance, who's posting them literally as disappearing Instagram stories.

He's not even documenting it.

Of all the ways you could do it, he's chosen the one way where

you're not even documenting it.

You cannot document them by definition.

He's like, someone's got to go around on their bike listening to the Ramones documenting all this stuff.

Look at these polls.

Nobody's even licking them.

Yeah, right.

No, he's like posting.

He's like, he was taking a picture of some couples making out next to the Williamsburg Bridge last night.

And I, I, I posted in his shit.

I was like, tell them to go home.

And he was like, you know, he like respond, I don't know, kind of jokingly, but I, I texted him the other day because he's posting these videos.

He's like, there's no reason for him to be out of the apartment.

Yeah, stay indoors unless, like, take a walk around your fucking block if there's nobody out, but don't take fucking cardio that spans the city.

He lives in Williamsburg.

He shouldn't be fucking going across the bridge.

He's going across the bridge.

He's going all over the place.

And it's like, it's not for me.

I mean, I like, I don't do whatever the fuck you want, but the more you do that shit, the more everybody does that shit, eventually this isn't going to be a fucking voluntary quarantine anymore.

Yeah, dude.

We're about to have the Trump Road guard with their fucking Uzi's fucking keeping us quarantined, dude.

Well, that's how it is.

I mean, it's like, you know, in like Italy and like some of those places, it's like a fucking automatic $200 fine if you're anywhere outside of like 200 meters from your place.

Damn.

Yeah.

In South Korea, where they've like kept it down, I mean, they're doing like they have, you know, like this, this spy apparatus on the fucking civilian population, anyways, where, so they, they track like anybody that tests positive, they'll like just go through their cell phone, like geo data and their fucking bank statements to figure out where they've been, anyways.

Holy shit.

And then all of those people are automatically quarantined.

Like anybody they've come in contact with.

And then if you violate quarantine and they'll check your, they look at your phone.

They like, you know, track your phone to see if you've left home.

And if you do, then it's a fucking like $8,000 fine.

Holy shit, dude.

Yeah.

God damn.

Fuck.

You got to leave your phone at home if you're trying to go get have fun.

If you're trying to go,

that's the thing.

It's like, you know, because the flip side is, it's like, you know, let's say you're a Korean police officer and you're like, is that that guy that's supposed to be in quarantine?

And you're like,

no, that could just be me.

I guess that's that might just be my reflection.

It's actually me.

Yeah, that's what I would do.

That's what I would do.

If I was a Korean guy and I was trying to break quarantine, I would walk right up to a police officer and just you just mimic his, whatever he's doing.

He's like, hey, is that you?

You just real quick, yeah, what?

Is that you?

And he's like, I guess that's me.

And then you're going to be able to do that.

Well, I guess that's

a police officer's uniform.

That's me.

If you want to break quarantine, you have to have a lot lot of costume changes.

Yeah, right.

No, not even because he's like, he'll just think, he's like, I thought I was wearing a cop's uniform, but I mean, that's me.

I guess I'm wearing those clothes.

I'm looking at my reflection right now.

That has to be me.

Yeah, that is foolproof.

You're absolutely correct.

Do you see in China, the cops have...

In China, the cops have like a RoboCop visor that reads people if they have temperatures.

Five meters, they can read people's temperatures.

It's so sick.

Fucking Terminator shit, dude.

Yeah, yeah, it's so sick.

Damn.

Yeah, we're fucked.

Well, they already wait till they use that technology to do, you know.

They already had that.

I mean, that's how they came up with that to tell each other apart years ago.

That's easier because by body temperature.

By body temperature, they got tired of playing the Is That Me game

10 years ago.

Yeah, I mean, it's like

who knows which direction any of this is going, but it's like, and they're like, wow, China beat it.

And it's like, what did they do to beat it?

They're like, I don't know.

It just stopped suddenly once they expelled all the Western journalists.

Somehow, the virus, there have been no new cases since the day they kicked all of the Western journalists out of the country.

Didn't they fucking, don't they have everyone on fucking lockdown for real over there?

Well, yeah, they started doing that.

I mean, like fucking like chaining people into their apartments and stuff, which, you know, it's going to be great when that happens to Ian.

He's like, why?

Why do they do it?

I would love to see a cop just smash Ian's bicycle

police brutality.

Not hurt Ian, but just to have him, yeah, you know, just take a baseball bat to the spokes, just bend the wheels,

just make it unusable.

Right, just go home, chief.

Yeah, just go home, Ian.

Yeah, well, do you see the but I'm I have to document all this

15% of them have called in sick.

Yeah, it's like 2,700 cops.

2,700 cops.

But I mean, plausibly there won't be the cops anymore.

And they'll have to bring in the fucking National Guard or something.

New York's going to be a fucking war zone.

Yeah.

Fuck, dude.

Good thing you're there in your cute little library.

Yeah.

What are all those?

What are those baby books behind you?

Hold on.

Because

I'm in control the chat.

I can zoom in.

Let me enhance.

Let me enhance.

Don't enhance.

Having the littlest dick of all the stuff.

So your baby has the smallest.

So you're a baby with a small dick.

How's it feel?

Okay.

I'm 32 years old.

I've got to move back in with my parents.

Hold on.

Let me zoom in.

What do you mean?

Don't even

act like you're like, oh, well, I had to move back in with my parents.

It's a fucking

epidemic.

You stupid asshole.

You make fucking $400,000 a year.

One of the only people with the jobs.

No, okay.

I'm kidding.

We weren't even supposed to have jobs

before this happened.

I know.

It's ridiculous.

The fact that we still have jobs now.

We're going to be the richest people in America.

Yeah.

We're not.

I mean,

this might be the final wake-up call for people to stop funding this.

Yeah.

Probably.

Probably.

In case we had a good run, dude.

The government collapses and this takes us over as public radio.

Yeah, dude.

This is where NPR.

I call Terry Gross.

I got all dibs on being Terry Gross.

Uh-huh.

What's that?

Do it again.

It's coming in very faint.

Yeah.

That's faint.

Yeah, it's faint.

Oh, you know why?

You're just hearing it from the headphones.

Oh,

okay.

Yeah, it's loud as shit for me.

Can you hear that?

That came in.

Yeah, that's coming through.

That's loud?

But probably from the headphones.

can you hear it did you hear that yeah but was it did it change in volume i don't know here

it maybe it did

and that's not loud huh that's not no that's quiet quiet interesting

that's loud the riff is coming through brother interesting yeah because

the beep the beep is loud as i miss my voice dude i know this is pretty gay, honestly.

It's okay.

I hate being indoors, dude.

Yeah.

No, it's been rough even for me.

Yeah.

Which, this is basically your life.

It's basically my life.

And

now it's like I don't have to worry about it.

I'm like, well, what is everybody doing outside?

Now I know that they're not doing anything.

There's no FOMO.

There's no ain't no fucking FOMO, brother.

Do my lats look big?

You look like shit.

No.

Do my lats look big.

You don't even know what lats are.

It's right here.

No, that's not.

No.

Traps.

Traps.

I meant traps.

Too late.

You fucking idiot.

First of all, I meant no to both questions.

All right.

I've been doing pull-ups, brother.

No, you haven't.

I'm thinking we do this shirtless.

I'm already shirtless, bro.

He's already shirtless.

All three.

Yeah.

I will not participate.

I'm not getting in on your game.

Because it's my game.

If it was your idea, you would have done it.

Or stops.

No, it seems, honestly, it seems kind of like a Brandon Wardell idea.

No, because we did it with Brandon Wardell six years ago on Google Hangouts.

It seems like

I don't think it was his idea, though.

It was his idea.

Wait, did you see that lady?

Did you see that lady on Twitter that did a thread about Brandon Wardell?

Yeah, being a fucking.

She's like, this is what he was in 2017, millennial pink theme.

This is what he was in 2018, a cow giving birth.

Wait, what is this?

Like, he's spreading disinformation about the president or about

the Democratic candidate for president in the middle of a pandemic.

Yeah, it's so funny.

Yeah,

Branch should try to smash.

He should try and fuck that girl.

No, she's some

damn.

We can talk so much shit now that we're quarantined.

Yeah, what is anybody going to do, dude?

Right.

Exactly.

Shi to come to who should we trash?

I don't know.

We already got Ian.

It's my sister's.

Yeah.

No, man, don't put her on the camera.

Hey, Zoe.

Hey.

Don't.

Get off of the camera.

Get off.

God damn it.

Tell her to leave.

Don't expose her to this.

Very,

very bad move, Adam.

Seriously.

What do you mean?

They see her for one second, what are they going to do?

Masturbate.

You've made a mistake.

You've made a crucial mistake.

Masturbate.

Yeah, that's just that one.

Literally, they're going to jack off.

You don't know how horny is.

Go, go.

I'm literally, I'm beating off.

They're going to jack off.

Go.

I'm already beating off myself.

Don't beat.

I've already beat it.

Stop it.

I've already

done it.

Honestly, if you guys got married, I've said this to Sav before and we became real brothers, nothing would make me happier.

I'm jacking off, dude.

Stop jacking off.

Stop jacking off.

He's

Master Betito.

He's in Masturbane.

Maybe the beep.

Maybe the beep is doing that because it's.

Is that still...

There it is.

Yeah, you know what?

It's probably.

It's probably clipping.

And that's why it was silent.

It's good now.

It's good now?

Yeah.

Wait, what?

There it is.

Is that good?

It went back, it went out.

It could also be your internet.

Here.

Is that good?

That's good.

Okay, and this?

Yep.

That's good?

Even though it kind of interrupted for a second.

Hmm.

I don't know.

You know?

We'll figure it out.

You ask me.

I don't know.

Every time

they ask me questions and I tell them I'm gay.

I tell them I have no idea why I do want to have sex with a man.

Oh, my God.

I went to the doctor.

I'm thinking I got the coronavirus.

He says,

What are your symptoms?

I say, I don't know.

Why are you asking me this?

Yeah, I've actually.

He's like, Mort, you're here.

Mort, you're here every 35 minutes for the last 15 years.

We got a pandemic going on.

What are your symptoms?

I said, I don't know.

I don't feel good.

I don't feel good.

I don't feel good.

I've only received 93% of the tests that are available.

I've eaten all the medicine.

I've taken all the tests.

Trump is on TV.

He says we got to eat chloroseptic.

Did you say a guy died from that?

I drank Arizona.

He did not die from that.

He drank fish tank cleaner, which was something completely different.

And the lib media is like, look what he's done.

Look what he did.

But

what has happened, though, is there's a run on that fucking medicine, which people with lupus need.

And now with people with lupus, they're like, great, thanks.

Nice.

We're going to just die from lupus.

Yeah, I guess we'll just just die from lupus now.

Because they were immunocompromised to begin with.

And what the hell is this?

I'm excited.

I'm probably going to die.

I'm going to get my will together.

What the hell is this?

It malaria?

It's they got a medicine just for Obama's fucking bitch daughter.

Yeah, yes, just oh my god, they're giving fucking malaria her own fucking special medicine.

So let me get this straight.

Malaria

Obama has her own medicine that we, the government has to make special for her, while regular folks, and you're going to tell me about Wall Street?

Yeah, dude.

You're going to tell me about Obama Street.

Wall Street.

Once again, the Democrats have proven themselves to be the party of moral fuckitude.

Moral go-fucktitude.

Your selfishness.

I wonder if Obama's going to get it.

Yeah.

It would be funny if Obama died.

Yeah, that would be.

From deprostitzes.

Yeah.

If Obama died of AIDS

during the vote

because he couldn't get

it.

Obama couldn't get his

straight up had coronavirus last night.

Obama can't get his AIDS medicine because of the crisis or whatever.

He just

very visibly dying of AIDS.

Just a gaunt Obama speaking at the fucking Democratic Teleconference National Convention dying.

We're going to beat this virus.

Fuck, dude.

Fucking Prince Charles got Corona, bro.

Yeah.

Did he?

He did.

I guess Camilla Parker Bulls must have had Corona in her pussy.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Fucking bitch.

Slut, dude.

I don't know.

I don't know anything about the royal family.

Dude,

my parents are royalists.

I didn't know until this trip.

Really?

They're like all gossiping like they're friends of theirs.

Pathetic.

That is awesome.

How do your parents?

How do your parents feel that you have to go into your little bedroom to do your little comedy show?

Well, right now I'm the only person in my family with a job.

But how do they feel about it?

Actually, not that cool.

Yeah.

Okay.

Good.

They're not that chill, dude.

I haven't been chill.

Yeah.

God, it would suck to have to be around family right now.

Can you imagine?

Can you imagine how much that would suck, Dick?

Don't even.

Yeah.

So people are like leaving the city.

They're like, are you going to go be with family?

Are you like, are you out of your fucking mind?

I would.

No, let me die here.

They're like, yeah, what if it turns into escape from New York and somebody cuts your organs out with a machete and fucks them in front of you?

I'm like, that would be sick.

Yeah, that's way better.

Nick, you should get an eye patch.

Then having to hear even more about how Ford versus Ferrari is even better on a rewatch.

Oh, Scott, Rachel Maddow, just cranking 24-7.

No, I couldn't deal with that.

That would be fucking too much.

I have to go upstairs and drool.

Yeah.

My mom's been calling me every 35 minutes.

Really?

She'd be like, how is it?

Is anything good today?

My mom will

take the fourth phone call.

I'm like, all right, mom.

Yeah, my mom will check in like once a week and a half.

That's perfect.

Yeah, which is a good amount.

But even with that frequency, I'm still like, I'm fine.

I'm good.

I'm all right.

I'll let you know if I'm dead.

If something bad happens, you will receive a wire, a telegram.

Yeah, I've already arranged for the bad news to come.

So don't go, don't come around here looking for bad news.

It'll find you.

Don't worry.

You'll get a singing telegram if I get infected.

It'll be funny, though.

It's like, you know how when somebody dies in the military?

Yeah.

It's like a car, like a fucking like 1994 Ford Taurus pulls up with like a Call of Duty bumper sticker on it.

And some guy gets out and then he's like just like tucking his like, just his fucking like his promotional

like Sonic the Hedgehog t-shirt from GameStop, like a midnight release promotional t-shirt into his sweatpants and like walking up to the door with just the recording equipment.

And they're like, don't say it.

And they're like, don't say what?

He's dead.

And he's like, oh, yeah, he's dead.

Oh, yeah, he died.

Oh, yeah.

Right, the thing I'm yeah, oh, he's dead.

Oh, oh, I, oh, you're, you meant don't say it like

the expression or

whatever.

It's just a deeply autistic fat guy.

Yeah, dude.

I'm what happens to me, my family's going to get some guy show up and just give them a folded track suit, like an American flag.

Oh, yeah, in a triangle.

Yeah, in a triangle.

They're going to fold the puma together.

It's Adidas.

Right.

It's a calzone.

Yeah.

It's a wooden frame.

Yeah, it's a calzone just folding a pizza.

We're sorry.

He didn't have coronavirus.

He just got so fat during quarantine.

When you die in this,

you have to live stream your funeral.

No one can go.

You can't have a funeral.

Dude.

It'd be great.

No one's going to even be sad.

Stop an ICU taking the ventilator out to put it on his dick and make his dick bigger.

And they're like, sir, stop.

But look how cool my dick is when I do that.

Stop using that as a dick pump.

Just putting the tip of my foreskin on it like it's a boom filling up with helium.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would go out that way.

Yeah.

Dude, I'm never going to die.

I don't need a ventilator.

I got the CPAP machine, dude.

It's basically a ventilator right now.

It's basically a ventilator.

You know, that is smart.

You got to tap your noggin.

these are nat noggin tapping days these are noggin tappin' days bro yeah i'm i'm so glad that everyone said i look like a retard for growing out a retard beard but hey no now it's working out now it's although won't you get the virus easier probably

but then i think they say that you should shave then i get to die like arthur you get virus on i literally get

to die of a chronic lung infection like arthur dude that is that's exactly what you want that's what you've been wanting everything revolves around my childish fantasies yeah dude.

The whole world is.

This is all for you.

It's all for me.

You're just fucking trolling the streets of New York trying to find a silver beaver to make a hat out of.

Everyone has to quit comedy.

Yeah.

Comedy is camp.

It's done.

It's these people that don't get it.

These people that are like, we're doing an Instagram live show.

Oh, my God.

Kill me.

Yeah.

We should all kill ourselves.

It's over.

Yeah.

I'm so sad.

Those Instagram live shows are brutal.

I know.

I haven't watched any of them.

I wish stand-up existed too, but it doesn't, so stop pretending.

It doesn't.

The couple's content has been rough.

We've been

doing it.

It is pretty rough.

It honestly, it's like people are like, oh, is it hard to be in quarantine alone?

And it's like, probably if I wasn't a comedian, if you felt compelled to make comedy couple content,

the second worst fate.

only after having to spend time with your family

yeah because you don't get to get sucked off by your family.

I'm telling you, I am the biggest victim in this crisis.

Wow, that's true.

Oh, yeah, right.

I forgot.

You gotta hit that.

Thank you.

Thank you for commiserating.

I'm over here with the boys.

I gotta be honest.

Scott, you got the best setup.

I got the best setup, dude.

I got two monitors now.

Nick's all alone in his apartment.

You got the lads, dude.

Yeah, it's been nice.

I can hit

handstand push-ups again, the freestanding ones.

Respect.

Wow.

Respect, dude.

I've been teaching myself how to read again.

It's been pretty sick.

Yeah.

And paint.

Interesting.

Next episode.

Let's see your painting.

I'm going to unveil my first.

No, you still haven't shown us.

What?

Oh, and real quick, though, we got to talk about

another medicine that Trump forgot to mention that is the cure for everybody.

That fights corona.

It's a little medicine called Blue Chew.

And a lot of people don't know about this, but Blue Chew is 100% FDA guaranteed to stop the coronavirus.

How do you want to face this thing?

You want to face this thing with a limp dick or a hard dick?

No, I mean, really,

like, this is 100% true.

I know this is a comedy show, but the Blue Chew, which is generic Viagra and Cialis, and it has to be Blue Chew.

The other ones don't work.

You have to use Blue Chew.

It will stop the coronavirus.

There's something special in the packaging.

As long as you use promo code come town.

Oh, if you use a different promo code, you're going to have to go to the bottom.

You're going to die.

You absolutely.

Here's how it works, folks.

Ready?

The infected corona blood is all over your system.

You take a Blue Chew.

It all comes to your cock.

And then you put leeches on your cock.

They suck out the bad blood.

You're free to go.

You're free to go.

Or you come.

Or you bust one nut.

Those are your two options.

Yeah.

I will have to because we are.

Blue Chew, if you don't know, is a

Okay, here we go.

They've gotten the last couple of reads, they've gotten mad at me because I said something wrong.

It wasn't bad.

Well, they probably won't this time where we said it's going to cure the disease that's shutting down earth.

Yeah, it is a pharmaceutical, and we're making accurate claims about what it does.

Just as we have in pretty much every read we've done for them,

so yeah, it's like sorry, okay, here we got it.

Why I was getting in trouble is because I said something about it working faster or something.

Oh, okay.

No, I remember.

It may work faster if you chew it, potentially.

Well, their chewables can work faster.

It's possible.

Anything's possible, baby.

Right.

I mean, I was getting, I got into like a back and forth with them, which was kind of like a Mr.

Burns fucking

shave your sideburns.

Who's he telling to fucking shave his sideburns?

That whole

I don't remember that one.

Remember

where they have the softball team?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

He's telling, like, is it Mark McGuire?

No, it's like,

no, it's not McGuire.

It's because that episode's older.

No, it's, you know,

he used to play for the Orioles, Raphael Palmero.

No, it's not Palmero.

Wait, no, no, no.

The first baseball team.

In that episode, it's Ken Griffey Jr., Daryl Strawberry, Jose Conseco, I think

Don Mattingly.

Maybe it's Manningly.

Maybe that's who.

Maybe.

Anyways, I got into one of those.

No, you know what?

That is it.

It is him, yeah.

It's Mattingly, yeah.

And I get into a thing with them where they're like, you got to stop saying that it works, you know, twice as fast as Viagra and Seattle.

So I'm like, did I say that?

And I guess I did.

So, you know what?

It's not one of those things.

I was just saying the wrong thing.

Yeah.

Anyways, if you like sex, you'll love bluechew.com.

That's what I now, because you know what?

They want to be sticklers about me saying exactly what it fucking says in the copy.

We'll do that.

If you like sex, you'll love bluechew.com.

Not their pills,

their website.

Because they show people fucking on the website.

I've literally never loved the website in my life.

What kind of fucking.

If you love a website, you're not fucking.

How about that?

How about it?

This is literally fucking an impossible statement that applies to no one.

If you like sex, you'll love bluechew.com.

Like some psycho that just like, I just love design.

Some fucking French pedophile who literally loves sex.

Right.

Oh my god.

Blue chew.com.

The website aesthetics.

Anyways, Blue Chew.com offers men and performance enhancement for the bedroom, which means it gets your dickheart.

That's right.

They give you the first chewables with the same active ingredients as Viara.

Sild Sildenophil.

Sildenophil.

Sedenophil.

Or Tadalophil.

Tadalophil.

Tadadenophil.

Sedenophil is for Italians, and the Tadalophil is for gay guys.

That's why it's

Tadalophil.

Tadalophil.

Yeah.

Blue Chew affiliated physicians can work with you to find the dosage and active ingredient that's best for you.

You stop, did you freeze?

No.

I'm still here.

Okay.

You had like a, you froze on a very chef boy RD kind of look on my screen.

The online physician consult is free, so it's cheaper than going to the doctor.

It only takes a few minutes.

It is actually real easy.

I don't remember.

I didn't have to do any kind of fucking thing.

You have to answer.

I had to talk to

a nurse practice.

Adam had to talk about.

Yeah, we've talked about that because they were afraid your dick was too small to get hard.

So I got to

say, she made me turn around and then spread my ass.

Yeah, they wanted a reference.

I didn't understand what that had to do with it.

They wanted a reference, so they asked me to take a look at

your chart.

They sent us the video.

Yeah.

And you know what?

A lot of the doctors have been called into service here in the New York area to deal with COVID.

So

now they just give you the pills.

Yeah.

Might as well just prescribe them.

Oh, yeah.

I'm stockpiling.

Yeah.

No in-person doctor visit, no awkward conversation, no waiting in line at a pharmacy.

They ship directly to your door in discrete packaging.

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You wouldn't do it.

Here's a great deal for you guys: visit bluechew.com and get your first order free when you use promo code ComeTown.

Just pay $5 shipping.

That's bluechew.com, promo code ComeTown.

Obviously, there's probably some kind of

exception with shipping or something now because of the, but I'm sure that information is on the website.

I have no idea.

Yeah, which you'll love if you love sex.

If you love sex, you'll love looking at their website.

But if you don't like sex, you're going to be like, fuck this website.

If you love sex, you'll love the options on the phone calling.

You'll love a drop-down menu.

A nice drop-down menu.

If you love sex, you'll love scrolling through beautiful.

Yeah, you'll love the endless scroll because of this.

You'll love

the clean flat design.

Our cascading.

The serifs that they have.

Our cascading style sheets.

Oh, yeah.

What's a serif?

That's the kind of writing they had in like medieval times where they had.

had the feet?

It's when letters have like

little flags on them and shit.

You know, Times New Roman, that's a seraph font, whereas Ariel is sans serif.

Ah,

look at that.

We're all learning.

Yeah.

And it all comes from Arabic, probably.

That's true.

Yeah.

They came up with that and they came up with math.

Yeah, the numbers.

Nah, Greeks came up with math.

Algebra was the

Muslim shit.

Nah, nah.

Algebra is Muslims, and then calculus is the English.

So the Greeks came up with geometry.

That's the only thing that they can take credit for.

That's right.

Because we had to figure out which shapes would fit in our ass.

Yeah.

So

we had to figure out area.

Yeah, well, Greek math is all about making your dick seem bigger through measurements, through tricky measurements.

So they're like,

no, you have the cosine.

You should see the cosine of my dick, bitch.

Yeah, right.

It's not that big, but you should see the fucking It's a tangent is what it is.

Yeah, the tangent.

My dick.

My dick is exponentially beautiful.

Fuck.

It's actually Greek Independence Day today, boys.

Happy Independence Day, dude.

Thank you.

This is the day where we fucked the Turks in the ass.

March 25th, 1821.

Suck my fucking dick, the Ottoman Empire.

Someone was going to be.

Hazard, Sultan.

Pull up at a Turk.

I will, dude.

At any Turkish motherfucker that's listening right now.

If you want to fucking go again, you want to fucking feel what it felt like when we came through with our little fucking, we had little dresses on.

We had little pointy shoes with little fucking

little fucking pom-poms on the top, and we still fucked you in the ass, dude.

We took our country back after a mere, you know, like 400 years of

Ottoman rule.

So, and they, I don't know, they probably fucked us.

They probably did not treat us too nicely, if I had to guess.

I have to do a little more reading on the whole situation, but

I still, I still, I still will say today is the day we got them back and that we fucked them.

And if that's right, we're talking about the Greek Holocaust in the 20s.

Okay, let's not use that word all willy-nilly.

It wasn't there was

only one.

There was some journalist.

There was some Greek Holocaust.

There was some journalists.

The Armenians.

The Armenians.

There was some journalist on fucking Twitter that was talking about the COVID numbers.

And they're like, this has the potential to affect blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And he's like, that's 15 Holocausts.

I saw that.

Using the Holocaust, but specifically the number 6 million.

Yeah.

It's a unit of measurement, Nick.

I make a lot of things in 6 million.

Literally,

it is fucking impossible for them to not make everything about themselves.

Okay, all right.

That guy specifically.

That guy, yeah, just him.

He's the only one that does it.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Damn.

Adam, you're just going a little.

Next time, you got to go.

You got to get into fucking land, Adam, because you're getting a little choppy, brother.

Okay, I'm going to do that next time.

You guys are frozen for me.

But I can see myself.

I think your internet is dragging the whole.

Although, Nick, what are you doing?

Are you streaming?

Maybe because you're using Wi-Fi, it's fucking up.

I'm not streaming.

I'm hardwired, and I've got like a.

I mean, my internet connection is pretty fast, and I have like a commercial router, but it's not like,

you know, I have no idea.

I mean, Optimum shit could be fucked up.

Should I get like an airport or something for upstairs?

Maybe.

You need to just be wired in, bro.

You need to just have your shit.

They don't make the airport anymore.

What?

They stopped.

They don't make the airport.

They stop making.

Apple does not make routers.

They haven't made routers since like 2018, maybe.

I'm sorry, fucking genius bar over here, dude.

Yeah, well, genius.

Genius, genius, yeah, genius, my penis, into your

penias.

Yeah, they call me.

Genius is penis, you fucking idiot.

Yeah, they call me my, they call me the, they call me the penis

because

they call me the penis because the way I fuck, it's intelligence.

I'm the penis.

They call me the penis.

Motherfucking penis.

They call me the motherfucking penis.

Oh, yeah.

Damn, I just saw that shit you posted on Instagram stuff.

Oh, yeah, dude.

She's so cute.

That pig is mad cute, stuff.

You with your boyfriends, dressed like a genie.

How mad are you that you can't wear clothes like that anymore?

Dude, I would love to.

You should go back to it.

We're quarantined.

There's no more rules.

There's no rules.

I'm about to grow my hair out, dude.

That's going to be what I'm going to do.

You got to go bald pony.

We were talking about it yesterday.

I would love to go bald pony.

You don't even fucking understand how bad I want that, dude.

Gotta go bald pony.

I'm going to, bro.

We're not seeing each other for another fucking nine months.

We could do anything we want.

Dude, here's my plan.

Ready?

I'm going to get a fucking really expensive toupee after this shit and just tell people I grew out my hair.

Yeah, you should.

In the quarantine.

Yeah, you should get a black lady's wig.

You should be like slapping it.

I will, dude.

Yeah,

I ain't fitting to do no more damn quarantine.

Well, I don't have to talk like that.

I'm fitting.

Yeah, you do.

It's part of the wig, dude.

It's like, you know, like that Simpsons episode with Owen Homer.

He takes Snake's hair.

Yeah, Snake's hair, yeah.

And it's that.

It's the same thing.

Same principle.

I like that.

That would be cool.

Yeah.

I would rather be an old black lady than a criminal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would be more caring, more loving.

It's going to be funny if we are.

If it does, if this gets worst-case scenario and we're living in some fucking

just absolute hellhole, if there's people still trying to complain about pronouns or whatever after this.

Yeah.

They will.

They will.

They'll try and find, and then

you'll cut their head off.

Those are the people you know you can rob.

Yeah, you can rob.

That's how you can figure out.

You cut their head off and use their bones as fuel.

I can't wait for Mad Max shit to start.

Yeah, you ask someone what their pronouns are, and

if they are about to say a response, if they're really thinking about it, you're like, all right, time to rob.

Time to take their wallet.

But fuck, dude.

I really do.

I'm going to be pissed if the world ends.

Yeah, I mean, it probably will.

i want to get more pussy dude

or or trump's right about this trump guessed with the madison and then he's right

that'd be so funny it would be so funny

facebook rumor yeah yeah you just you just uh you just try it out you know i mean it can't be worse than the virus itself yeah the cure can't be worse than the disease dude

that's some good that's some good ass logic right there yeah yeah i love that i love that america's gonna be open for business in two weeks.

Yeah, he's still just, he's still,

he's still riffing.

He's still just riffing left and right.

He misses the rallies, dude.

He misses working the road.

He's pissed.

He's pissed.

He wants to go back on the road, dude.

Yeah.

Dude, every fucking, every red state governor is like, don't, listen, we're not gay.

Everybody go get a hamburger.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Texas and Idaho, they're like, Mississippi.

These motherfuckers are not going to work.

Yeah.

Well, it's probably.

You know, if like they didn't fucking, if they never detected the virus at all, it's like, would it be any worse than just a fucking bad flu season?

Like, if they had no way to discover the virus.

I think so.

I think that's what everybody's saying.

I think that the death rate would be higher.

Well, I mean, it hasn't surpassed the flu.

Well, not yet, but in a couple weeks, we're about to find out right now.

Yeah, but no, I mean, globally, the number is like relatively pretty small.

Yeah,

you could take a flu shot you can't take a COVID I know I'm saying if they never fucking like if there was no if they never there's no who there's no fucking like doctors studying any of this shit it's just who fucked him people are getting

his dick can you suck my fucking penis damn if no one found out everyone at skank fest would have died

skank fest houston would have fucking yeah

but here's the thing

everybody everybody at skanks fest would have died but it would have been like, is this a disease or is it from one of the companies that's sponsoring the festival?

Brown

poisoning everyone is bad, brother.

Right.

Don't take the brown CB.

It would be another instance of like, you know, Lewis making his own lube in a basement somewhere.

You know, he's like, yeah, you know, I mean, sometimes you mess up.

Sometimes you get the formula wrong.

That's just part of being a businessman.

Everyone gets black lung from

vape.

When I leave Amico Vapes, when I leave Amico Vapes to James, when I leave my company Amico Lube to James, it's made from blubber suctioned out of Zach Amico's love handles.

We have THC-infused fucking ass cheek fat from Zach Amico that you're going to use to fuck.

Yeah.

What comics do you think are dead for sure that get that virus?

Probably Amiko.

Yeah, I would put my odds now.

Yeah, he's not.

Yeah,

Amiko,

apparently.

I think I probably would die if I get it.

Yeah.

No, you're locking down.

You're being responsible.

I'm locking down.

I'm not going anywhere.

You got to be careful with that takeout, though.

Spray everything down.

You probably already had it.

Yeah.

I mean, it's looking like everybody has either already had this fucking thing or they're like, I mean, it's like I I got sick in February and it was like weird.

It was like weird.

I thought it was like I would have to go to the doctor.

You had throwing up and isn't throwing up not the no, that's like part of it.

There's like a loss of like taste and smell.

There was like weird shit going on that I just didn't feel right and I felt weird in a way and I was like I guess it was the flu.

I don't know.

Dude

was the sickest I've ever seen a person in this apartment for like a week and a half.

And he had all the same all the flu shit like and I was scared to get it because I was about to go I thought I was going to go on the road.

I mean, I was about to go on the road for a month.

Yeah.

And

it literally was, I think he just had Corona, bro.

Yeah.

Like, I really do.

Yeah, I mean, probably it's already like because, like, when they discovered the shit in Wuhan in like December, in between December and January, like, fucking like 40,000 people came from Wuhan to New York.

I mean, it was like an insane amount of like.

Jesus Christ, really?

Yeah, no, I mean, people were just fucking leaving Wuhan, and this shit's fucking highly contagious.

and it's like yeah i mean that's what i mean it and then if you consider that everyone has it it's like the mortality rate is really not that fucking high at all even the hospitalization rate so i mean i but but isn't that isn't it doesn't matter aren't they saying that it's about to happen though aren't they saying that shit's about to happen

yet

okay maybe maybe it will i mean it's i guess it's like hospitals being overwhelmed but you have to consider too that there's like a public health crisis you have probably a lot more people that are like i have to go to to the doctor.

I have to go right now.

And that they're also like quarantining everybody and treating it like it's this huge fucking deal.

You know, I don't know.

I mean, I have no fucking idea, but it's like

it's probably sitting somewhere in between, like, yes, this is a serious thing.

And then also there's an overreaction to it that's making it much worse.

And like, almost nobody, nobody.

I wasn't worried until I heard that they say 12 Holocaust.

And then I was like, God forbid.

Yeah.

Dude, that's the thing.

The Upper East and Upper West sides are going to be wiped out.

Can you imagine

12 Holocaust?

What is that?

He's going to have heart attacks.

What is that number?

What is 12 times zero?

I always forget.

Zero.

Oh, is it?

Yeah.

I always forget what that is.

When you multiply by zero, whether that makes it infinity or.

Yeah.

Well, hold on.

No, no, no.

It's not 12 times zero because they did kill some gypsies and gay people.

Let's not forget.

Oh, right.

No, no, no, no.

It's 11 million with the gypsies and the gay people.

honestly, it's like, because I don't, I truly don't believe there's such a thing as a Holocaust denier.

I'm like a Holocaust denier denier.

I don't think it exists.

I don't think there's a single person in the world that actually believes that the Holocaust didn't happen.

I don't buy it.

I just, I fucking refuse to accept that there's anybody that could possibly actually think that.

Yeah.

But you're probably right.

How fucking funny would it be if the Jews did make that up?

It would be funny.

I do advice.

It's going to be the hardest thing that we ever did, but we got to convince everybody

that there was a Holocaust.

Remember when World War II, everybody was busy during the war.

So we're just, and we weren't helping.

So we're going to act.

Those of us that couldn't disguise themselves as ladies to play in that softball league, the Rosie O'Donnell thing, we decided to get up to something fun.

Yeah,

we did a trick.

We decided to do a little trick of Rooney.

Because we wanted a little piece of the Middle East.

Yeah, we got our own country.

And we picked.

We picked.

Here's the thing I love about Jews.

They're supposed to be good at real estate, and they picked the worst location in the entire fucking world.

They were given it.

The worst one.

Oh, sure.

They were given it.

They had somebody.

They were in the UN.

And then

they killed a bunch of people and got more.

Look,

they could have had Alaska, I believe.

Or something.

Alaska or Scotland.

Uganda.

Scotland.

That would have been cool.

That would have been hilarious.

They sent the Jews to Africa.

Go back to Africa.

Oh, dude.

You know how funny it would be for racists to tell Jewish people to go back to Africa?

That's a two-for-one.

I love it.

God damn.

Yeah,

we're back in Babylon right now.

Damn.

Where should Israel be?

Let's figure this out right now, guys.

Let's move it right now.

I'm saying

Trash Island.

Northern Ireland.

Northern Ireland should be turned into Israel.

Northern Ireland.

No, I mean it.

Really, I think that's the answer.

I love that, dude.

Fucking BB versus the IRA, dude.

Let's see what it's going to.

Now that it's not kids with kites, let's see how you guys do with fucking mix with little bombs.

That's a fair fight.

That's too true.

Who do you think comes out on top of that one, Adam?

Well, it's a classic me versus Nick situation.

And as you know, Nick's won a lot of battles, but no, I'm playing the long game.

You're playing the long game for the war.

I love it.

The IRA is still doing stuff.

There's like all these offshoot IRAs that are still

shooting police officers and kidnapping people weren't people saying that because boris johnson won the troubles were gonna start up again i don't know what i don't really pay attention to that shit but

that's so british to call like the wave of bombings and terrorism the troubles yeah

how many people did the ira kill was it that many

what back in the day yeah when they were all i mean there was like there was violence on both sides from like paramilitary groups so there was also like loyalist like guy they were like who were aligned with

the military?

They're like, they're like, we're going to blow up shit too.

Also, we don't, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's no reason.

Oh, we're going to host a blash at hop.

Yeah.

That good stuff.

I don't know.

I mean, who can't?

Are you sucking your own dick?

He is.

He's trying to suck his own dick.

I was trying to for my OnlyFans.

You better not be doing it.

Oh,

show feet.

Damn, you're pretty limber you are dude i'm about to work that ass i just got i i got tip a couple times no you didn't in a self-suck situation yeah i did how did your cock taste it felt weird it felt well it tasted it was i you didn't feel it as much in the as in the mouth and as on the dick it felt more like there was a dick in my mouth than there was a mouth on my dick but how did your dick taste um kind of salty i think yeah i would i think i hadn't showered but i was so excited that was when I was a younger, more limber man.

Yeah.

Did you ever come in your own mouth, Adam?

No, no, not

my penis.

Not for my penis.

That's all.

What was that?

That's a lot.

Hold on, Adam, did you ever come in your own mouth?

No, I had a

lot of fun.

What the hell?

Who's making that noise?

Stop it.

Stop it.

Is there a machine?

There's a scoreboard noise.

There's a machine.

I don't know what that is, dude.

I'm kind of confused.

I'm confused.

I don't know what's going on.

Have you ever had another question, Adam?

Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Yes.

Come on.

What the hell?

What?

Yeah.

What is going on here?

That's crazy stuff.

Come on.

How are you guys going to disrespect me in my library?

Hold on.

What are all those books doing in there, anyways?

I don't know.

They're like books from when I was a kid or something.

Oh, this is your childhood room.

This is where I did my homework.

What do you mean?

That bedroom behind me was my bedroom.

You had a study?

Daddy Warbucks over here.

Yeah.

Fucking baby office in a room.

Yeah, you had a study.

Yeah, look at the TV, dude.

We had a sick-ass TV.

Real nice.

I think

that's 24 inches.

No.

No VCR.

That's my stereo.

I remember that.

I think I had a very similar one to that.

I think that's await.

Do you remember that company?

I I do.

Iowa.

Iowa.

You have a big mirror to look at yourself in.

Well, before we bought this house, there was a lesbian in the Air Force that used to do this.

What she did martial arts sword fighting, and this was her dojo.

I shit you not.

Yeah, there's a mirror over here, too.

Yeah, damn.

She probably got more pussy than you.

Probably.

In this house, most certainly.

Most certainly.

I think I've only a handful of times.

I wonder if you're not sure.

How many times have you fucked in that house?

As a kid, zero.

As an adult, you know, a few times.

My parents waited until I was 18 to molest me.

That's a smart move.

A way the child can decide for themselves when they exactly.

It's kind of like a rite of passage.

Don't cut his dick off, man.

Don't come on.

He's 12.

Well, technically, can't you molest a boy after his bar mitzvah?

In the Jewish faith, he's in the Jewish faith.

You just have to wait.

You wait a little bit.

You just wait a little bit, and then you have a bar mitzvah, and then you have a molest.

That's why they do it so young.

Yeah, Hebrew School is just grooming.

Yeah.

Yep,

they groom you.

They pick the ones.

And then the rabbis have a draft for who they get to fuck.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And with the first pick in the molestation,

David Goldstein.

Yeah.

This is funny.

A kid who licked toilets as part of the coronavirus challenge says he's now in the hospital with coronavirus.

Gay Sean Mendez was also just

gay Sean Mendez.

That rules, dude.

Yeah, you rocked.

Well, my chair.

Sorry, my name's my name's Gay Sean Homeo Johnson.

Cordless phone?

Homeon.

Yeah.

Homo Leon.

Homo Leon Johnson.

Homo Sexion.

Homosex Leon.

Yeah, but fuck Treon.

But fuck Trion.

But fuck me and my ass,

Asolino.

My name is Dr.

Anatoly Boccixio.

My name is Dr.

Anatoly Bochicio.

I am the head physician here at the Lombardi Hospital.

And the problem they have is a lot of people are very sick with the

because

I don't know some

because

I'm gay.

Because I'm gay.

Anatoly Bachicio.

Anatoly Bochicio.

Anatoly is a really good one.

Just bringing them on to MSNBC.

They're like, thank you very much for being here, Dr.

Bachicio.

Can you tell us why Donald Trump is bad?

Can you give us any insight into what will stop Donald Trump?

Like, I don't know.

I'm just some Italian guy.

I actually don't know.

I think he's hot and I would love to have sex with him.

I don't have a problem with Donald Donald Trump.

They're like, well, you heard it here from the doctor first.

Donald Trump is bad.

We're going to some other experts now.

The owner of a local clown school who had to go out of business is going to tell us that Donald Trump is gay in just a minute.

Oh, fuck.

A lot of people call him a clown.

You know, I don't think he could even be, he's not even cut out to be a clown.

I'll tell you something, sister.

He wouldn't get into my clown school.

He would not be here in my school.

He would not be a member of my clown school.

I'll tell you that.

Unless he had $432 every six months.

And if you're just joining us now, we're live with our coronavirus coverage, and we have another person on here who's saying the president is bad.

We're going to go live here.

This is the line outside of Elmhurst Hospital in Queens.

And we're going person by person, asking them on a scale of 9 to 10 how much they blame the president for this.

His approval ratings are like 65% right now.

This is going to be his fucking 9-11.

They want it to be his Katrina, and it's going to be his 9-11.

I mean, if he reopens everything in three weeks, I don't know.

Yeah.

I don't know.

We'll see.

It depends how many people die.

Even like joke, because there was a lot of shitting on Biden that was happening by Bernie people leading up to this.

Some of it is like, you know, I mean, it's mostly memes, I guess.

But this has shown him to be.

beyond fucking incompetent.

I mean, you can't.

It's unbelievable.

He hasn't strung together a single coherent sentence in the last fucking week and a half.

Yeah.

I was watching with my dad yesterday.

There hasn't been a single BC, and my dad said he was joking.

There hasn't been a single functional predicate that has come out of that fucking idiot's mouth in like a week and a half.

It's unbelievable.

The fucking, there's like there should be like opposition to the fucking dumb bullshit Republicans are trying to do.

Well, I think Bernie's going to just keep running.

Yeah, I can't hear you anymore.

He's just going to fight it to the end.

That's our last hope.

Yeah, talk.

Can you hear me?

I can't hear Nick.

Nick can't hear us, I guess.

Can you hear us?

Can you hear me?

Words broken.

He'll come back in.

You hear?

Can you hear us?

How long have we been going?

I think about an hour.

Okay.

Nick?

Yep.

Yeah.

Okay.

There we go.

Yeah, I guess whenever that happens, I just need to leave and come back.

Okay.

That was weird.

I don't know why that happened.

Yeah, I have no idea.

I didn't touch anything.

I didn't do anything.

Yeah.

Well, whatever.

You're recording the whole time, right?

Yeah, on my end, and I'm assuming you kept it.

Yeah, we are too, so we're good.

Anyways.

But, yeah, no, I mean, and now there's just this public fantasy going on with Cuomo where they're like, What the fuck?

Yeah, wow, he's stuck.

He's presidential.

You heard the guy talk once, and now, like, these fucking liberals on Twitter are talking about, like, wow, every morning I tune in, and it's like I'm a baby being tucked into bed, and he's reading me baby stories, and I'm a baby, and he's what the fuck is going on with this?

They all want fucking Elizabeth Warren to breastfeed them.

Yeah, they all want fucking Andrew Cuomo to be their dad.

Because there's literally not a fucking woman they can cling to.

So it's like this is, he's just become the girl now.

An Italian with breasts in his polo.

They see an Italian's nipples in the brown fucking New York polo.

Well, he does.

There is like a subtle, like, effeminate thing that New York guys have.

You know, it's either either you crank it to 10 or whatever.

There's a lot of Jews.

If you either crank it to 10 or you, you just like turn up like that kind of like, yeah, that sort of low-T New York kind of guy.

Yeah, which becomes.

Trump is a good example.

He is feminine.

Yeah.

Trump is like that, but Trump's slick, so I mean, he can play it off.

It's like that's exactly what it is.

I got Italian guys that can wear like fucking velour or whatever and go get manicures, but if they're also killing people, you know,

it's like, oh, I guess that works.

If you're just like, if you were like a mafia guy that didn't do crime, you would be a fucking like, I mean, you're somebody's grandma, basically.

Yeah,

they're like, oh, I just want to wear something soft.

I can't wait to wear something soft on my breasts.

I just want to put my necklace on and have my breasts and my necklace and my soft little shirt on my breasts.

I got to put fucking hair cream in my hair, get my curls looking good.

I got to have my curls, and

I'm going to show everyone my breasts and my necklace.

And then people are like, that's the president I want.

That's the guy guy to stop donald trump bernie sanders you fucking cocksuckers come on man yeah we're fucking

it's not gonna happen i mean at this point because it's like you know what the fuck is bernie saying or doing i mean like good on them for redirecting like campaign funding to the coronavirus stuff but it's like he's at least saying people should get two grand a fucking month yeah i mean yeah they literally

yeah they literally had

they had three primaries that will kill people last week in the middle of a pandemic because they want to dress up as quickly as possible.

Well, that's what I mean.

It's not that it's like Bernie, like somebody, some major democratic voice needs to be saying, like, no, we can't stop, shut the sit down and fucking take care of people.

No one is providing any real opposition.

Yeah.

It's fucking so, it's, we're fucked.

Our ticks are so small right now.

I mean, you know, I don't know.

It's like you can only really at this point hope for the funniest outcome, which is that Trump guessed and got it right with this fucking medicine and then he's president forever.

Yeah.

We deserve fucking, we deserve

we deserve Trump and we also deserve the fucking coronavirus.

I mean, it's like

there are two sides of like the same

token that's been tossed in the face of the Western world.

Just truly not believing in science at all.

I mean, it is.

In two weeks, I wonder what the fuck's going to happen.

Yeah.

How many fucking

fucking it would be very funny if this just disease vanished now there's some evidence there's some evidence that the fuck like you know we find out that trumps like not only was his medicine correct but then also the virus just stops it just stops dead in its tracks you cure maybe like a handful of people that need the medicine and then everything stops and then just on like the the the the the market like immediately fucking rebounds and it's like there will be no way for the democrats to ever no no chance ever

no chance you know I mean if they stop the whole fucking the whole world over

you know I mean it would be very funny it would I agree that would be funny yeah

fuck but probably it probably won't happen we're probably just gonna all gonna die yeah I can't believe I'm gonna die

shit sucks dude I want to live forever do you yeah me too no not forever but a nice amount of time

I want to taste a couple more titties, you know?

Tasting titties.

I want to put a couple more titties on the tasting menu.

John, you've been feeling your own, just to remember.

It's not the same, dude.

It's not the same.

A woman's titty has some real, some real,

just they're ah, they're nice, dude.

Maybe you could do like a localized anesthesia so you can't feel your hand, like you can't feel from the titty.

You squeeze them.

The stranger, but for grabbing my own breasts.

Yeah, so you can't.

I'll sit on my own titties.

I'll sit on my own titties for 20 minutes

and then feel them and jack off.

I love doing the stranger where I numb my own hand and then jack off another guy so I can't feel myself being gay.

That's good, man.

That's a nice, that's a really good loophole.

And then especially if you put my specially fucking designed dildo,

two ways to not feel yourself being gay.

You're anatomically

custom for every man to not be gay to have a dildo in his ass.

Okay.

I like it.

Theoretically.

I'm fucking hungry.

What's that?

I'm hungry.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I just had cereal.

We should figure out a way, or I should figure out a way to do this in the living room and then also a headset so I don't have to hold a mic and then

maybe because I feel like we could definitely we could definitely start doing like maybe like a longer like two-hour kind of hang thing.

Yeah.

Maybe do a movie.

It's a shame games suck now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then you'll figure out how to stream though.

It's also if a game is good, then you're just gonna be playing the fucking game, you know?

That's true.

It really is a talent to be able to talk and game at the same time.

Yes, so true.

You got to have respect for guys like PewDiePie or Richard Spencer

and his politics, of course.

Yeah, just all the gaming guys.

What are his politics?

He reviews memes.

Is that what his thing is?

PewDiePie, I believe, is racist.

Yeah.

Well,

I think he's dropped a couple of people.

I think he was just Edge.

I I don't think he's actually Edge.

Everybody's really.

I don't know.

It's going to be great to see how everyone turns into a 4chan guy now that we're all stuck online.

That's true.

It's in fucking four months, Lindy West is going to be posting frog memes.

Yeah.

She's going to be talking about the storm.

Yeah.

Is this the storm?

Is this what was supposed to happen?

This is all a cover to put Tom Hanks in jail.

Because Tom Hanks was molesting kids with his wife in Australia.

Dude, he was over there trying to get fucking kids to get fucking kangaroos.

I'm down here having sex with kids.

I'm in a pouch having a kangaroo's pouch having sex with a child.

Did you see Chet's video announcing that his parents have coronavirus?

Yeah, I did.

Everyone saw it.

Yeah, my parents, they got coronavirus.

It's crazy.

Yep, we saw it.

I love Chet, dude.

Yeah, we saw the video.

Okay, you saw the video.

Yeah,

we already saw it.

Yeah,

I'm trying to figure out a way to do a cool background.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's a way to do it on Zoom.

I don't know how, though.

I'm trying to find it.

Maybe by sucking my dick.

Maybe by sucking his dick, dude.

Have you tried that?

Dude, I would literally, I miss human contact so much.

I would fucking suck your dick right now.

No, you wouldn't.

I would play with the balls.

I would suck your.

Don't fucking fucking lie to me, bro.

You wouldn't suck my dick.

Me and my boys in the group chat were literally sending each other pictures of our penis last night.

No, you weren't.

Come on.

Yeah, we were.

But we were doing it with this

cartoon filter.

Look at this filter on iMess.

It's just mad funny.

You were sending your boys cockpicks?

Well, they were doing it first, but I wanted to feel like I was part of the crew.

How much smaller was your dick than everything?

This filter, like where it makes it look like you're in a comic book?

The answer is very.

What?

I did not plump.

I was accused of plumping.

I did not plump.

That would be sus.

Is very.

The answer is very gay.

The answer is very suspicious.

Or small or whatever.

And childish.

Childish almost.

Some might even say a baby's penis.

A baby's penis.

They call him Danny Toddler Dick.

They call him Danny Toddler Dick.

Hey,

what's going on, everybody?

It's me, Danny Toddler Dick.

Yeah, and you were saying before you came on that the president is bad.

Yeah, I think the president's bad.

We'll be back after this.

My dick would be bigger if we had a a different president.

Yeah.

I think maybe the main problem is that the president is bad.

He's bad for the people.

He's bad for the economy.

Thank you very much.

Coming up next, we'll be speaking with a drawing I did of Peter Griffin from Family Guy

that I'll be holding up, and he'll be saying that,

you know, here we go.

Doesn't one of those guys that does the news, doesn't he also do stupid functions?

You got this guy.

He's like, oh,

I don't like Donald Trump.

Oh, I can't stand him.

You just drew that?

You had that?

I have these.

You just had that drawing?

Well, I have them for different races.

I do flash cards.

What?

Yeah, well, you know.

Those are good drawings.

Well, it's like, how are you going to stay racist in quarantine if you're not going to...

Wait, wait, wait.

What is this underneath forgets?

If you can't, I do, you draw them, and then if

I'm not going out and seeing people, so how do I keep the stereotypes in my head?

I do drawings and I try and quiz myself.

You gotta remember.

Yeah,

we must keep living, man.

We must keep living.

You gotta go through and you list off the funny, whiny allergies.

Yeah.

That is true.

You go through all the races.

No, dude.

Well,

you gotta stay fresh.

You got to keep your shit fresh.

That's good stuff, man.

That's too funny.

Damn, I got it.

I'm going to connect to Ethernet next time, I promise.

All right.

I got to piss and then

eat something.

All right, boys.

Well, goodbye.

Thank you.

I feel so much better right now.

Shut up.

This is nice.

Oh,

sorry.

Did you cut me up?

Yeah, I called you a good guy.

I do, dude.

I can't believe the last time we fucked it, we're just, the last pod we did was the last in-person one for a a while.

That was a good one, man.

That was fun.

It was fun.

Fuck.

But this is pretty good.

And we're going to figure it out.

Listen, gang, everyone listening at home, we're going to figure out the fucking technological kinks.

We're going to figure it out.

I'm going to end this, and then I'll send you all the files.

We'll coordinate our files, and you can send them off to your boy.

Cool.

Okay,

I'm going to save this and send it over.

Okay.

But I'm telling you,

this sounds okay, except for that part where I was missing.

If you were to just upload this one like this.

Nah, because

I don't want that like two minutes of silence in there or whatever.

So I'll send it over.

I'll send it over and then you can figure it out with your guy.

Sounds good, bro.

All right.

Thanks, brothers.

All right.

See you, boys.

Miss you.

Take care.

Miss you, bro.

Bye.

Bye.