Ep. 199 – Lockdown Raw

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Now we're recording.

Now we're recording.

Welcome to the premium episode for the week.

We're probably deep in quarantine now.

Yeah.

That's the fun thing because

we thought we were going to have to pre-record episodes because I was going on the road and then

Stop was on the road.

And then we were going to Australia.

Yeah, Adam certainly wasn't on the road, but he had

a gay sex festival in Toronto.

That's right.

No, I was going on the road, but he was not going on the road at all.

He was going on the road.

He was going to hang out at Spencer's Gifts and giggle.

He was going on a little giggling tour.

His favorite thing is.

He was going on a kind of a life as a highway kind of soul searching.

Life is a highway.

He was going out to giggle with somebody.

Who's also another person that's ugly, but in a way that doesn't do anything for them in Brooklyn?

What do you talk about?

That's his favorite thing to do: go find people that anywhere else in America would be equally hideous to him and then giggle at them from

his vaping throne.

What do you talk about?

To fuck or just to laugh.

You're a giggler.

I giggle at people.

I like to giggle at people.

So you're going on a giggler.

There are a lot of characters.

You don't giggle at people.

There's a difference.

That's true.

Giggling is a mentality.

I mean, you physically, yes, literally giggling.

I am a giggler all the time.

The giggler.

You know what I'm talking about.

I do know what you're talking about.

It's like Adam getting in trouble for filming

that

stewardess who was trying to fix the thing that I broke.

That was funny.

That was not me who was filming, though.

That was my ex-girlfriend who was filming.

Adam and his girlfriend.

Let's cope.

Let's have a nice couple's moment by giggling together.

We were not giggling.

She got yelled at.

She was a strong black woman trying to

do her job of fixing my wife.

You're putting something on me.

That's true.

Yeah, I will say.

You're putting something on me that I absolutely 100% did not do.

Adam is better than that behavior

that a dumb bitch did.

But that was the basis of

someone that

they bothered her about moments like that.

Oh, maybe that's why.

She was like,

she was like, you like giggling also.

You like mocking.

You're also less fortunate.

You're also a giggler.

There were other basis of that relationship.

Let's giggle.

Anyway, we do not talk about

it.

You were going to go have gay sex and giggle.

You can't do that.

You were going to have gay sex and giggle.

Yes.

Well, we were on the road.

We were on the road doing comedy,

sweating, working out,

wiping my brow, meeting people, putting in the hard work,

walking through an hour and then just looking around and seeing who's desperate enough to fuck me.

That kind of thing.

The end of the tour with Chicago, I was already looking forward to going to the original House of Pancakes they had

a couple blocks away from.

Chicago rules, dude.

Chicago's fine.

I like it.

Considering that it's in the middle of the Midwest.

But that's what it is.

That neighborhood where, what do you call it?

Is it?

It's kind of whack.

Boston.

Wrigleyville.

No, that was the old one.

Oh, they moved it.

They moved it to fuck, what's it called?

Fucker Park.

Wicker Park.

Wicker Park.

Yeah.

I think so.

Southside, Boston.

Something else that's around.

Southside, Boston, Chicago.

Green Tree, Chicago.

Southeast Chicago.

Roxbury, Chicago.

Yeah, the town, Chicago.

We're over here having deep dish pizza, kid.

Charlestown, Chicago.

I'm having the fucking

Italian beef, kid.

Yeah.

There's nothing I love more than fucking snowstorms.

The bears.

The bears.

The bears.

The bears.

Yes.

The bears.

Are you talking about the South African Diamond Company?

Yeah, the Bears.

The Bears.

Yeah.

Nah, kid.

I'm talking about the Bears.

I have nothing bad to say about Chicago.

What are some other kinds of Chicago?

Chicago things that can be said in a Boston access.

Chicago doesn't have anything.

They got deep dish.

No, see, that's the thing.

This is why the Midwest sucks.

The bean.

What if we have our own version of something that

another place already did?

I will say this.

They have, there is a pan-style Chicago pizza.

Yeah, that's what, yeah, they're deep dish pizza.

No, the deep dish is flat

that is crispy and good, and I will fucking give them a picture of it.

And you can have it with your hands?

That shit is delicious.

Listen, Chicago-style pizza is good.

Deep dish sucks.

Chicago-style is good.

Deep dish, deep dish is fine.

I think it's pretty good.

But it's not pizza.

It's a different thing than it's not as good.

But I will go so far as to say that chewy, you know, fried oily shit they got, crust shit that they got, I even prefer it to fucking New York pizza, flat pizza.

Damn.

It's that good.

The registers you hit on that wide.

Yeah,

it's better.

I love it.

You don't even believe the words coming out.

I believe it 100%.

You know, this is the closest you've ever walked to being alienated by your community.

I'm absolutely not.

In fact, what I'm doing is standing up for my community.

That's fear.

I fear in your voice.

Because you're going out on a list.

I am not afraid.

I'm not imagining all the other fat guys.

They're a staff listener.

They just broke their headphones.

First of all,

he's out.

The staves.

He's fucking out.

They put on their stav outfit before.

Yeah, they put on their Hawaiian shirt.

He stavs out.

He's turned his back on the community.

First of all, that's how out of touch you are with the fucking community.

Because what I just...

You're not a member of the community.

Exactly.

even though you claim uh you know used to be emotional membership or some sort of some sort of connection to it from being fat

no no let me let me explain this let me explain this and here's where the community can never relate to my position

because and i've said as much before but as a personal a person that's been fat your entire life yes you are in a persistent state of ongoing trauma okay so you don't understand what the other side of it is like right so you have nothing to contrast it to so So imagine you're being raped your entire life.

Let's imagine.

You're like, what's going on?

I don't know.

So you would say being overweight is the equivalent to constantly being raped your whole life.

Yes.

Literally.

Yes.

It's an ongoing state of developing trauma.

So you never have time to move, to have a period of fugue where you don't understand the damage that's been done to you.

And then come out on the other end where you're like, oh, fuck, my life was awful.

Right.

Well, anyway, look, that point aside, what I'm telling you is

the community will back me fully in 100%.

I'm sure some of them will.

When I say

that it was

a hot take.

That a pant.

No, it's not a hot take.

I heard it in your voice.

It's not a hot take.

Yeah, why do you go up now?

You did a Jewish style sentence.

First of all,

what I'm doing is I'm trying to get

a little variety

in my brothers.

The register that you took in that.

Deliberate crescendos.

Deliberate crescendos.

The registers.

I'm arpeggiating my takes.

The register you took

in that sentence was, you know, Jeffrey Epstein was having sex with girls over 13 years old.

That's not a bad.

First of all, I got nothing.

I got nothing.

It sounded like they were babies.

I got nothing against that way,

that style of speaking.

What I have a problem with is the content.

So what I have done is taken the abhorrent content that Jews supported.

Jews everywhere.

The rabbits everywhere.

Rabbis say in their sermons and i've used and i've used it for good okay to say that that crispy fucking doughy uh pizza crust is better than flat new york shit that's what i'm saying they're both good but i like a chewier it's like a little sandwich and as a fat man i know fat men everywhere will have my back and i'm not scared of that i'm not scared of losing my support amongst my boys

yeah i'm a i'm a i'm a beacon of light for my fat brethren out there you too can get pussy if you just buy track suits and make a lot of money.

That's the difference.

Become famous.

That's what said it over the edge for you.

You know, and legitimately have a good personality.

Good personality.

Be a fun guy to be around.

That's actually what it is.

I'll give you that.

Be a fun guy to be around.

Be a good hang.

And also, you got pussy before.

That's my enduring skill: being a good hang.

And getting my little nuts sucked.

That's a skill.

It is a skill.

I get my nuts sucked great.

It's like being good at Chinese checkers.

I am great at getting my nuts sucked.

I played Chinese checkers against Nick in Canada.

He kicked my ass.

Is that a real game?

He's very good at Chinese checkers.

What about to say?

Is there rules and shit to it?

No, there's no rules.

No,

it's just a Jewish star with little balls.

It's actually German, too.

It's not Chinese.

Wow.

But they just called it Chinese checkers.

I did not know that.

I was laughing today.

How funny is it that fucking Chinese people immigrated to the U.S.

and they were like, Yeah, we're going to open a restaurant and make a food called poo-poo platter.

That is awesome.

And the Westerners were like, fucking total, dude.

Hell yeah, man.

Yeah, that sounds awesome.

And you know what?

Poo-poo platters are good.

Did you hear about how Corona started?

Is that real?

The bat shitting on the armadillo?

That's real.

They have something called wet markets, which sounds absolutely disgusting.

Yeah.

Where bats shit all over the food?

Where they had a bat shit on an armadillo and then someone ate the armadillo and then got was patient zero of the corona crisis.

That is what I've heard.

What's worse?

Maybe I'm propagating something.

That sounds pretty racist.

What's worse?

The dredges of

urban China and their cuisine or just the things that girls do in college?

Well, when they go wild,

I'm going to try and shove an entire desktop computer in my pussy.

There was a scandal.

Hey, look, we're going to go to the library.

Celine's putting all of the computers in her pussy to steal them.

She just wakes up.

There's a bunch of wires leading out of it.

I'm back into the library.

Hell yeah.

They're like,

yeah, somebody stole the computers.

Yeah, there's a bunch of Dells missing.

There's a bunch of Dells, but the wires are going into your pussy.

And we were just wondering if we could.

We followed this long-ass wire from the library directly to your pussy.

I don't even know what happened.

I don't even know.

There was a scandal in my life.

Well, there's a TikTok video of you wooing and shoving all the computers.

You're on TikTok wooing.

Yep.

You're on TikTok doing the renegade and putting Dells in your pussy.

Yeah, I mean, you say that about a bat shitting on an armadillo and some guy eating it, and you just hear like fucking LMFAO playing.

Yeah.

And then you put him in like a tube top.

I'm shocked that it wasn't one of those mukbang girls that was patient zero.

Putting the live octopus in her mouth and shit.

I think that's a is that Chinese or Japanese?

Oh, no, mukbang is those eating accounts.

Those are Koreans.

Yeah, yeah.

You fucking uncultured.

Those girls are pretty hot.

Oh, yeah.

I got a live little calamari they can put in the mouth.

I can imagine that's something that gets you going, seeing a cute girl eating

an inordinate amount of food.

Honestly, until the point where they're eating like live eels and shit, yes.

But seeing a bitch eat a bunch of noodles and shit and dreaming of that being my wife my hot little wife that i can eat the same amount as and we can fuck after well i guess before you want to before eating all that that that i gotta be honest it sucks that you can't have a decadent meal and then be at your peak sexually it should you should be able to mix that's dude that's the rule like if you're going out for valentine's day dinner you gotta hit it first i know but that's a fucking shame also

just as an aside valentine's day dinner never go out on that it's a fucking scam I love that move in a relationship.

Like, being like, well, I should probably eat something first.

I don't feel well.

And then eat something and be like, well, I ate too much.

To avoid sex with the person?

Oh, yeah.

See, for me, it's always like, damn, I'm trying to bust this little nutter, you know?

I guess I got to play video games.

And I guess you need to be quiet.

I need utmost silence because you're ruining the immersion.

Yes, and I will be playing all

the bullets will will be fired at 1080p surround sound.

But I need you to be

fucking fuck up, you fucking bitch.

Damn, I need to, I'm going to go to Chinatown and get a little massage.

I got one recently.

I didn't like it.

I only go when my shit's fucked up because you go when something hurts, and then they can fix it.

If you go when you're fine, then they'll hurt something.

That's true.

He did hurt my shoulders.

But my back,

my back is fucked up.

Because I had to go get, I went to go get my, because I, you know, the boy needs special insoles now for my feet to work because of tearing to work yes because of tearing tearing my your planner fashion your planner yeah so I gave I fucking gave my podiatrist the old ones to fix and then make new ones and now I'm just going walking around with store-bought insoles like a fucking chisel dude

and I think it's fucked up my whole alignment

I just remember being in a Chinese restaurant with my friend Brendan like 15 years ago and he he just started like cracking up and he doesn't laugh very often then he just points at some old Chinese guy that had like a like a medically short leg and the guy had a shoe like a shoe that he probably made himself at a wood shop

giant wooden shoe just like painted matte black that's awesome

oh god damn i forgot about that specific chinese just a disabled man yeah

Not that he would make his own shoe.

That's a great, that's a nice aspect of that whole story.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, I got dumplings and fucking gelato the other day, dude.

Just, I'm begging the coronavirus.

I'm trying me, motherfucker.

I'm going to die.

The hormonavirus.

Do you get tits?

Yeah, they get even bigger.

That would be awesome.

Big old pair of British titties.

If there was a fucking disease that made women's breasts large, but killed like a quarter of the men, I would do it.

Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

What do you mean you would do?

I would do the disease.

I would allow that to happen.

Oh, yeah.

You would think it's good.

I would think it's good.

Yeah.

Well, I think, yes, of course, if there were fewer guys, fewer guys and bigger titties?

Wow.

Oh, my God.

That is.

And it only kills men over 6'3

with hair.

Now we're talking.

The Playboy equation.

The Playboy virus?

Yeah, that's the movie.

Oh.

It's called

The Playboy

Reaction.

The Playboy Reaction.

Yeah.

With Keanu Reeves and Russell Crowe.

That's a nice twosome.

I fuck with both those guys.

Dude, I started watching Gladiator.

Gladiator came on.

It's a fucking classic, bro.

That movie rocks.

I tried to watch it recently, and it wasn't that good.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up, dude.

Damn, what a little.

Now, okay.

I get called that I got hot takes because I said fucking it's not too hot.

It was one of my favorite movies as a kid.

No, here's the thing.

Adam constantly has hot takes.

That's true.

It's a rarity for you to, especially to redline on the take halfway through saying it.

I didn't, first of all, redlining is not, that's not what that means.

Redlining in the sense that you're like fucking peeking out.

I didn't redline it.

Yeah, you're like.

Actually, even the deep dishpaper.

I did not run Run the tape back.

I said it with complete authority.

Run the tape back.

I said it with complete authority.

I don't mean redlining in the sense of like a bank.

I mean, you know,

like you're clipping.

I wasn't clipping at all.

You're going outside the bounds of your comfort.

I was not clipping.

I was not clipping, and I don't do takes.

I say the truth.

That's the difference.

That is not at all what I sounded like.

I did not sound like.

that.

That old dude pig.

First of all, tell me, you have that motherfucking pizza, and you tell me it's not better than fucking flat New York pizza.

I like all kinds of pizza.

I'm what you call a pizza diplomat.

Yeah, you know.

Spumoni Gardens is

grandma.

I am not.

I was grandma.

Okay, thank you.

Here we go.

This is a chewier, more fucking oily grandma stuff.

Have you been to Spimone Gardens?

I've had a slice of pizza.

Stop.

You didn't think.

I trust you that it's good.

You're probably right.

Thank you.

I'm saying in your presentation of the take,

you became worried.

I was not worried.

That you might violate the rules of the community.

I was not.

First of all, I am never worried.

I'm never worried about the community.

Usually, and that's why it's worth pointing out the times where you are.

I'm never worried.

I don't care.

Especially not with the community.

It's not true, dude.

You saw yourself front page on the newsletter.

I'm not on Fat Boys Monthly.

Stop done.

Fucked up.

No.

Stop done.

Fucked

an op-ed written in the newsletter by Louis Anderson by Mike by Michael this guy by Michael Barbecue

no dude if first if the if the mainstream fat media turned against me I would I would spurn them I would go outside of them you're watching big boy hour on MSNC my name is sweet baby rave

My guest tonight is the esteemed yellow Eminem

and Bob's Bob's big boy.

And we're here discussing Stavros'

recent

opprobate.

What is the word?

Opprobrium?

I don't know.

I don't fucking know.

Is that a word?

Approbrium?

What does it mean?

Opprobrium?

I don't know.

It's felt like the funniest word to say.

I don't know.

I can't remember.

I'm just, you know what?

I'm going on.

Go ahead, man.

Take it for a walk.

Dictionary.com.

Here's the thing, dude.

Here's what I'll say.

If the fat community ever turned against me, I would fucking flip it on them.

I would go third party.

I would behave the way Bernie should after they try and fuck him, dude.

That's right.

Or, you know,

to do a thing from history?

Yeah, it is appropriate.

Theodore Roosevelt, Bull Moose Party.

That's the type of shit I would do.

It means the public disgrace arising from someone's shameful conduct.

I would never, I'm not appropriating.

That's why, yes, that's exactly right.

That is good.

That's a great word.

Yeah,

Savro's recent appropriate.

First of all, the fat community can never appropriate me, motherfuckers.

Suck me if you're out there and you disagree with my take on that.

Yeah, take that Lizzo.

Yeah, for real.

It's like the last scene from the movie, The One, where you're on top of, like, but it's like a chocolate fondue fountain.

I haven't seen The One.

Yeah, nobody has.

What's the one?

It's Jet Lee.

Jet Lee and Jason Statham.

Oh, wait, I have seen that.

That old black guy that's like not.

Fucking

Lawrence Fishburne, the other one.

I don't know.

I was high as fuck when I saw it, but it was pretty good.

The one?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I like it.

I think I saw it in Greece.

It's about like there's multiple universes.

So the movie opens with like police walking past a video of President George Bush talking.

And then when they do the scene again in the slightly different universe, it's Al Gore.

And the movie came out in like 1999 or 2000.

Blow my mind.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Do you think you could write a cooler scene than that, Adam?

No.

Go right now.

I said it.

Who's the other president?

No, say something cool now about karate.

It has to be a karate movie and come up with the whole premise of the movie now.

That's true.

A cool karate movie?

Okay, so there's like time's up.

There's a Jewish guy on a podcast.

He's had enough.

He finds a sensei.

The sensei molests him in the sensei molests him, but he also teaches him how to fight good.

Okay.

And he comes in.

Yes, Daniel's son.

Yes,

lick the back part of the top.

Daniel's.

I don't understand what this is a move.

Wax.

Mom, some guy's teaching me karate in his shed.

Like, oh, this is why we had to leave New Jersey.

They have to go town to town because karate instructors keep molesting him.

Molesting Ralph Macchio.

Well, I guess that is a cool movie.

Ralph Macchio was molestable because he looked like a baby, but he was a grown-ass man.

He also had kind of a girly feeling.

Wasn't he like 30 years old during the karate kid?

Very feminine.

No, I think he's like 14 and then.

Oh.

but he is very feminine.

Yeah, he is.

He's a trap.

He is a trap.

Throws some titties on Ralph.

He's a trans cutie trap.

Well, he does look like the bitch from Just One of the Guys.

That movie was a formative pair of titties that we've talked about.

Ah, fuck, the cat.

In fact, you've copied that.

No, I did not copy that.

I did not copy that.

One of the guys.

He's copied.

It's a movie about a girl that's

cross-dresses, and at the very end of the movie, when they all find out it's a chick,

they see her jumbo yum yums.

I'm just gonna go ahead and put one of the guys' tits into Google.

Yeah, it's a it's a good

we've done this on the show at least twice.

Oh, yeah, I remember this.

Damn, she's got big titties.

Yeah, she's got they're perfect, dude.

Wow, holy shit.

Yeah, what's her name?

Her name's Ralph Macchio.

Real Smiser,

honestly, Ralph Macchio is cuter in the face than her.

Yeah, click on X videos.

But she has bigger titties.

I want to see them move real fast, so.

oh, yeah, that's pretty good stuff.

Yeah, there's a flop,

but yeah, Ralph Macho's got a cuter face.

Wow, that guy's a cute.

Wow, that guy's got a large pen.

Look at the imprint inside of her body.

That is a very funny picture.

Anyway.

Did you guys get that chain text, that corona chain text, where you click on the link and it's a large black guy's.

Yeah, Elvis sent that to me.

Yeah, that was a good one going around.

And then I got a second chain tank text, and you know, I'll call him out by name.

It was from an Italian friend of the show who said, Adam, I just got this text message, and I just wanted to share with you that.

And this is what it says: it says,

my sister's cousin's godmother works for the city.

And the entire text.

Look how funny this picture is.

What the fuck is that?

I searched for just one of the guys' tits, also.

Just a fucking

Filipino man with big-ass tits.

Big nipples.

Big nipples on big pitch.

It's very funny.

Anyway, so and then the whole city shutting down on Saturday morning.

All the bridges will be closed.

There will be no gas available.

So please fill up your tanks.

That's so funny that you're making fun of your friend for looking out for you.

And then I said, who did you receive this text from?

And then you told me the name of a female comedian.

I said, Mike, there's no way.

Who was it?

There's no way this is possibly from.

Who would both spell the name?

People know how to spell.

So it's the same thing.

And so I was like, Mike, there's no way that's real.

Why would she know?

Because her sister's friend's godmother, whatever.

I don't know.

Could be real.

Honestly, when I heard Godmother, I was like, this isn't.

Yeah.

This is some stupid waps.

What if they shut down?

Kate Beckinsale defends.

Oh, sorry.

I've read this headline Mom.

I thought it said Kate Beckinsale defends Harvey Weinstein after backlash.

That would be an awesome move.

But it's Kate Beckinsale defends her Harvey Weinstein story after backlash.

But it's so funny to refer to a 23-year sentence as backlash.

Little backlash.

Yeah, I'm just dealing with some lash.

I'm having a light amount of lash.

Are they going to put him in like a white-collar jail or is he going to have to.

Oh, he went straight to the hospital.

Hell yeah.

They took him straight from Rikers to Bellevue.

My man's going to Uncle Junior it.

God damn.

Yeah.

You think anyone will rape Harvey Weinstein?

No way, dude.

He's too cool.

He's just going to go down on it.

He'll be in Israel in two weeks.

Yeah.

No, I mean, really.

He's going to quote-unquote kill himself in prison.

Just hanging out, playing dominoes with Jeffrey Epstein.

Yeah, no,

they're going to be playing

it called?

Paddle board, paddleboard.

What's it?

Shuffleboard.

No, the game on the beach with like the two bats, like the two paddles that are wood.

Yeah, what's it called?

I think it's paddleboard.

Paddleboard.

Yeah.

Paddleball.

Paddleball.

Paddleboard is what Adam played with it.

Paddleball.

A paddleboard is something that you

as a kid.

I used to fantasize about a Harry Potter world where the sport was taddling.

Oh, 100%.

A magical world where he's he was and Harry was the best tattler in school.

Tattling constantly.

Damn, I'm sleepy.

Yeah, dude.

I'm out sleep.

I had a big-ass meal.

Yeah.

Yeah, I had some Greek food for lunch.

Oh, Greek.

BZ?

BZ.

I told you there's a second location now.

Greenpoint, yeah.

Greenpoint.

That was cool because we just like parked in the middle of an intersection and then went in for 20 minutes.

And I didn't get a ticket.

No ticket.

Dude,

I was parking so illegally for months, and I just hit

a two-week bad street.

Did you ever go to South Philly?

No.

The parking situation there is

anarchy.

It's hilarious.

Well, you park on the sidewalk.

You park in the middle of the street.

Yeah, yeah.

And then, yeah,

all over the sidewalk.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I actually have been there.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, to Fishtown to

go eat some pussy, actually.

Is that South Philly?

I don't know.

I think it's maybe Central Philly.

But

Everyone there was parking on the sidewalks, I remember.

Yeah, Philly's lawless, dude.

Yeah.

It's a fun city.

I wish I had spent more time there.

I used to work at the club pretty often, but then I would just hang out and get drunk either at the club or within two blocks of it.

Right, right.

Yeah.

I never worked there.

Helium?

No.

It's a great club.

Yeah, I want to.

I worked at the Helium in Portland.

It was really fucking good.

Yeah, that one's good, too.

I've never been to the other one.

Was it Buffalo?

Have we St.

Louis?

Yeah.

But I used to love that.

That was like like the highly.

They used to book me like twice a year.

Yeah.

And that was great.

I used to love that.

That was

my favorite place to do comedy.

That's where that guy got mad at you.

I mean, there's a lot of places where guys got mad at me.

Well, when you were doing your gun joke, were you there?

No, but you've told me the story.

Oh, yeah.

I'm not trying to put myself in the story.

There was one time where they had to drag somebody out because I said the Constitution was fake.

How fucking dare you?

It was during the Obama years.

I love that.

Guys like that didn't have like an outlet, you know, right, right.

So they had to go get mad at a comedy show.

Yeah, yeah.

I remember that joke.

It was very funny.

And now that guy, he's on a pretty nice win streak.

Oh, that guy's life is great.

That guy is just smiling.

If he's going to a club, he's watching a Chinese woman be like, white man die.

Fuck you, white man.

And he's just laughing and

he's just laughing and laughing.

Not saying a fucking word.

Oh, fuck.

Goddamn, dude.

What do you think our fucking

quarantine situation is going to look like?

This is going to be a new chapter for the show, I feel like.

You guys ready to just think I'm going to get into gaming and doing edibles again?

I think.

Fuck.

Well, I got to

suck a minute.

What kind of gaming are you getting into?

You want to play Smash Brothers?

You want to like...

You want to just us, though?

Because I'm bad at it and I don't want to.

Yeah.

I'm pretty bad, too.

And people asked me to play.

I literally literally played it for maybe three hours when I it came yeah I'm gonna get back into the fucking switch

the switch is great

Luigi's mansion was great the couple of days I played it before I gave up on it what's Animal Crossing that's for girls everyone I thought it was for babies everyone's excited about that it's literally only for girls there's no way there's no way you can get into it as a guy so get into it and then tell girls they push into it yeah get pussy off animal

you won't get pussy off animal dressed as a armadillo armadillo with a bow tie.

Just lie, then you.

I say, I'm a girl, and then I'm like, why don't you come over?

Is it open world?

And then that's me.

You play like as a squirrel that has to like set appointments with the doctor.

Oh, it's just The Sims, but you're an animal.

It's The Sims, but you're like a fucking, yeah, you live in like a coconut.

That's pretty cool.

You get breast cancer.

You get breast cancer.

Really?

It's the movie Terms of Endearment.

Can you get breast implants?

Can you be a dog with fucking big-ass titties?

Yeah, a friend of mine is getting a breast reduction, and I know repeatedly said to her, like, I will lock her.

Should we get a gun?

Maybe we should get a gun.

Should we get a gun and point it at her head?

Yeah, we should become like terrorists.

We should become like terrorists.

My back hurts.

Yeah, but I'm like, bitch, your brain's going to hurt once I blow it out of your skull.

12 gauge.

Just murdering doctors that do breast reductions.

The breast reductions.

Breast reductions.

Yeah, we should be those guys, man.

Dude, I'm a fucking

Christian fundamentalist.

Protesting outside of breast reduction clinics.

A white flag with a cross with a pair of tits.

Beautiful circular tits.

Just perfect spheres.

14 words.

We must defend and unite a future for big ass tits.

Protect huge cans and hooters.

Yeah.

I could get into that.

I just get into that kind of domestic terrorism.

Like two Ds stylized as a Swazi.

I love that.

I don't know how it would work, but you figure it out in your head.

Yeah, I mean, I think we could just get into the titties part.

The iron cross with titties.

Yeah.

Isn't that a cross that has like a circle?

No, that's like

the independent truck.

Well, how about this?

Two Celtic crosses,

but the circles are big titties.

Two nipples up top.

Coexist.

Yeah.

But they're all tits.

Coexist, but it's all different breast sizes.

They're all big, but just different shapes.

Yeah.

Well, so I'm glad of the.

But a little titty is not.

Listen, if you have little titties, God bless you.

Yeah.

But if you have big ones,

just consider killing yourself instead.

No, I don't.

Yeah.

Oh, instead of getting a reduction.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just consider suicide.

Just think about it.

Just think about it.

Yeah.

That's all.

She was like, I'm thinking about getting my breast reduced.

I'm like, is there any way you could get your brain or face removed instead?

Can I just see, okay.

Can we just have your head cut off?

Why don't you get your titties completely cut off?

Why don't you, yeah?

And give them to somebody else.

Right.

Yeah, perhaps.

Like locks for love.

Or an Indian child.

Yeah.

A starving Indian child.

Yeah.

Or, okay, you know what?

You can have a breast reduction, but give some of that titty meat meat to somebody to have.

Yeah, a woman that has

the old PSAs for like the Christian Life Network or whatever it was, with that bearded guy that would walk around like a junkyard in Somalia.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, I'm Bob Dingus or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then it's just like that little kid wearing rags.

Right, he reaches into a pile of trash and pulls a baby out, and he's like, This is

Abbasita.

Yeah.

You know, for a cup of coffee a day, you can give her a big old pair of big fat pear.

Yeah.

A nice fat rack.

Um, yeah, those were so funny because I remember watching those as a kid, and I'm like, what the fuck, country is this?

Yeah, I mean, how is it possibly that bad that there's just garbage every day?

I remember being like, damn, well, fucking somebody gives them some motherfucker some coffee, dude.

I missed the point completely,

yeah, they're like,

you get a picture of the kid.

I remember thinking that would just make me feel bad,

you know, like if I even had, you know,

I'm not drinking coffee, I I don't know how much coffee costs.

Yeah.

That's true.

I didn't know how much coffee costs.

Do you think when someone has a breath reduction, God gets to suck on the titties

in heaven?

Yeah, well, they bury the titties according to Jewish customers.

Do you think in heaven

those titties just appear and you get to titty fuck them if you're dead?

Do you think?

What do you mean?

Oh, there's just, you know, every time he's done floating around.

Yeah.

Yeah.

As like a ghost.

Yes.

Or like whatever.

And then when you get back, when you die, you join your titties in heaven.

And you have perfect big tits, and there's no back pain in it.

I've often thought that about my foreskin.

Will you rejoin in heaven?

Well, there's no Jewish heaven, is there?

Yes, there is.

I thought, is there?

Of course.

The bosom of Abraham?

Yeah, we're, you know, we're just, yeah, we chill with Moses.

My foreskin's waiting for me there.

He's got a little bindle.

Why do they say you have to cut your cock off in Judaism?

What's the thinking behind that?

I don't know.

Some sort of.

It's a sacrifice.

I don't know.

But I do think they bury the foreskins.

The baby's foreskins.

That's awesome.

I'd like to think that my foreskin's just been traveling around the earth trying to find me.

You know, going up to different men and saying, are you my going to different men's?

Are you my penis?

No, no, not into the asses.

Have I been here?

Going over the helmet.

Has the rest of me been here?

I got a call one day on the phone.

How about instead of five-ish, there's four-vish or his friend FourVish, but it's F-O-R-E-Vish.

F-O-R-E, yep.

Four-vish.

Yeah, four-skinnish.

And it's a foreskin.

A Barney-sized foreskin that teaches kids about Chabas.

I just think it's fucked up to cut part of a man's penis off, that's all.

I mean, I'm not sure.

My dick has, I feel like my shit's loosening up a little bit.

It keeps falling.

Congratulations.

You ever put like a bottle cap in there?

Not a bottle cap, but I have put some things in there.

A bottle cap might help.

It's too ridged, too fucking.

You got to get gauges, dude.

I know, I know.

We've talked about this plenty.

It's the ridge of the bottle cap that I'm worried about.

It would hurt.

Not this kind of bottle cap, like a fucking Pepsi.

Yeah.

Pepsi was exactly what I was saying.

Yeah, that might not be bad.

Yeah.

Maybe like a Gatorade cap.

Whoa,

that we're getting nice.

Why don't you put like a hard-boiled egg in there?

That would be good.

A quail egg?

A smaller one?

Yeah.

Smaller one.

That's not bad.

A hard-boiled quail.

I could be like that fucking bitch from Mario 2.

The pink bitch.

The fuck is her name?

Pink bitch.

Quado or whatever?

Pink ass.

Biach.

What the fuck is they got the little bow and they?

Bichadado.

Bichada do.

Bichado.

Do pink ass.

You know who the fuck I'm talking about.

I don't remember.

We've talked about whether they have a pussy or not before.

Nick is doing now going to be translating the show in Spanish.

What the fuck?

Birdo.

I don't remember her.

Blurdo.

You guys don't remember Birdo?

I do remember Birdo.

Yeah, that's what my dick would be.

She's his girl Yoshi, but with a pussy on her nose.

With a pussy dick on her nose.

Yeah.

And maybe you could fuck it.

Yeah.

Anyway, if I put a quail egg in my foreskin, I would look like my dick would be like Birdo.

That'd be cool.

That would be cool.

Let me see.

Let me look up Birdo.

You trying to suck a quail egg out of of my fucking dick, bitch?

Yeah, we were talking about capping off the end of your penis so that you can control ejaculation to shit in Birdo's fucking nose face or nose hole.

Let me look up Birdo Pussy real quick.

See what we got.

To get into.

Damn, this thing is just built for sucking cocks.

Yeah, dude.

Birdo would be nice to fuck.

Oh my god.

We got some cool.

People have thought about this this quite a bit.

Let me tell you something.

Yeah.

On the internet.

The DVNR community is ready for this question.

I love that if you just search for just the name.

Yeah.

You only have to scroll down half a page before somebody's fucking it or doing it.

Oh, wait a second.

There's something called Birdo the Throb Slut on Pornhub.

And there's.

No, I'm just on Google Images, but you search it, and here she is, pregnant.

Dude, there's some jacked Yoshis with their cocks all over Birdo right here, dude.

Yeah.

Check this out.

Uh-oh, are they gonna put the dick in her in the nose?

Yeah, oh, yeah, come on, dick in the nose.

Oh, yeah, oh, shit.

One of them is fucking pushing Birdo's head.

Oh, god damn.

Let me see.

Look at them nipples, dude.

Yeah, Birdo's got nice fat nips in this one.

That's cool that Nintendo would do that.

Yeah, this is an official Nintendo launch.

Yeah, I can't see that.

You can't hold up.

Wow.

Is that red Yoshi sucking his own dick?

Red Yoshi is sucking his own thing in the background.

You're right.

I love it, dude.

Red Yoshi sucking his own thing while Blue Yoshi pushes Birdo's head on the green Yoshi's cock.

Good catch, Adam.

I didn't see that.

It's a funny thing.

I like playing it.

People that make that shit do it because they're horny for it.

They don't understand how funny it is.

It's the funniest thing in the world, dude.

That you would jack off to that.

How would they feel if they knew that people were laughing at it?

I feel like it's very serious.

They probably don't understand laughter.

Yeah.

You're probably deeply autistic.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Imagine being like that kind of autistic, where you're like, well, it's time to draw Donald Duck's girlfriend getting fucked in the ass by a car.

Daisy.

Yeah.

Daisy was a slut for sure.

Daisy Duck, yeah.

Dude, yeah.

None of these are, no one is making fun of them in the comments.

Surrounded by huge, throbbing Yoshi cocks with cum inflation included?

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah, bro.

I hope we get to see more Birdo growth and cumflation.

Naughty Yoshis,

look what you made Birdo do.

Respect.

Let's give them a little shout out.

Fire on on Pornhub.

Respect to you and your awesome work.

Oh, they got a Patreon.

Yeah.

Plug it.

Plug it.

Yeah, that should be like one of our

sister Patreons.

Absolutely.

Red Yoshi Self-Suck.

The Red Yoshi Self Suck was the fucking best part.

I always go for Black Yoshi.

You know what I'm saying?

I don't.

Because

I'm intersectional with my video game choices.

He's a dinosaur.

He's a what?

Dinosaur.

Whoa, Adam.

Jesus Christ, dude.

I'm sorry, guys.

It's just the South Carolina primary has really changed a lot for me.

No, because of why in the world would they support Joe Bottom?

No, no, no.

I'm just kidding.

Don't do that.

I'm just kidding.

I'm not going to go off.

No, but you know those guys are out there.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, 100%.

For sure.

For sure.

I know we're supposed to pretend like they don't exist.

Yeah, they do.

They definitely do.

They definitely exist.

Yeah, I wonder.

Oh, shit.

There's about to be a debate.

Is that today?

Sunday.

Who gives a shit?

I feel like, you know what?

It's not who gives it.

The elections off.

Trump's going to be president forever.

This coronavirus thing is going to be a lot of people.

You guys can't do this.

Martial law.

Yeah, no elections.

Which honestly, dudes rock.

Dude, martial law, he puts, what's his name?

Samo Hung in control of the coronavirus response.

Who's Samo Hung?

He was on the show Martial Law.

Oh, yeah, nice.

Is he Hung?

No, he's Asian.

Whoa,

Adam, you're being pretty racist right now.

Actually, that's not true.

I was in Koreatown at the Schwitz, and I was actually, you know, not as bad as they say.

You looked at the Korean men's penises.

I did look at Korean men's penises, and I was like, all right, you know,

they get a bad rap.

Wow, dude.

They do.

Why not?

You're in the Schwitz looking at cocks?

Because it's all nude.

Bro, I know, but you don't look at a man's penis.

Listen, they're fucking there, dude.

I'm not staring at the penises.

Sounds like you were, bro.

You know what?

And I did actually feel very comfortable in my body at that moment.

Hold on, let me look at the reviews for this place.

It was at Wii Spa in Los Angeles.

The Schmitz is nice, but there was a man looking at everybody's penis and licking his lips.

A Jewish man, he was licking his own nipple.

He was somehow able to reach his tongue to his own nipple.

The bad drawings are almost the funniest.

Yeah, the ones who they're just really trying you know in like

maybe 10 years they'll be able to draw the shit that they can beat off to themselves

damn i wish i could draw

corona corona corona um guys

you think this year really started because of bats a bat shitting on an armadillo at a wet market anyway I've been trying as hard as I can to pick my nose, and I did not realize

how much I actually fucking pick my nose.

I think I might pick my nose three times a minute.

Is that bad?

Yeah, you're not allowed to touch your face, dude.

Silence!

All right.

I don't give a fuck.

We probably all have it.

Don't shoot me, Nick.

Doesn't it take like fucking 10 days?

Everyone's going to get it.

Everyone's going to get it.

That's why you got to quarantine yourself.

Yeah.

Everybody should quarantine.

It's going to be fucked up when, I mean, because it's going to kill all the homeless people here.

Homeless people and the elderly.

Yeah, it's going to be fucking tragic because there's nothing you can do about it.

I mean, they have no place to go.

If they go somewhere, it'll just fucking break.

Did you hear about the New York City public schools?

How they, like, can't shut down because like 114,000 kids are homeless

in the public schools.

And then they rely

for their only meal of the day or like free school lunches.

It's so fucking sad.

There's got to be

a lot of food.

Yeah, and then a lot of people, you know, like poor kids' parents, like have to go to work.

You know, they're going to have like no like.

Yeah, waiters and shit.

You're in second grade, you know?

Service industry in general.

You're like a

little ass kid and you like have no one to look after you.

It's fucking terrifying.

It's sad.

Luckily, it doesn't infect children.

It doesn't?

No.

Well, kids don't really die from it, yeah.

Well, but babies do.

No, no, not elderly.

Not a single fucking case of like somebody under the age of like 12.

Really?

People that aren't being like hospitalized for it, I think it's just.

You got to have fat notches.

People in art have to do it.

I mean, it really, you know, I know it's easy to get in the territory of like, this is just superstition or whatever, and they're being crazy, but you know, I mean, think about it.

It's like, it's only killing the older, guiltier generation.

Sure.

You know, it's it also, there's a toilet paper panic now.

And think about the one religion that wipes their ass with their hand.

The Muslims.

Yeah, the

Muslim

people love wiping, just scooping shit out of it.

It's their favorite thing to do.

They love it.

Is that true?

Yes.

It's in the Quran.

Well, what about guys with bidets?

It's part of the Sharia.

Yeah.

It's Sharia Law starring Samo Hung.

Yeah, okay.

Muslim shit, okay.

Oh, that guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he was a fat martial artist.

I remember him.

I remember we had this guy.

We've had him.

Yeah, we've talked about Samo.

beats we've talked about samo before but you know i got a piss so bad go for it dude atom style

style pissing out of your ass so stop what are we gonna do in quarantine with no fucking nba basketball hoops i'm pissed dude no league rudio bears bitch ass had to get fucking that french piece of shit that french piece crying because he didn't make the fucking all-star team you piece of shit baby wash your hands you fucking you took away what we loved

honestly i'll probably watch old games on on youtube I think so, too.

If you can get them still.

Maybe.

Or an ESPN Classic.

Maybe we watch them together.

Start them at the same time, you know, from our respective homes.

I like that.

Text each other.

I'm trying to get a little quarantine girlfriend, dude, to just live in my home for four weeks.

Yeah, I think that's the move.

Get top.

That's the move.

All the quarantine babies.

We're the quarantine.

Nine months from now.

Who's trying to get quarantined in Astoria, New York?

Holler at me, dude.

Yeah.

I'm trying to get my little nuts sucked.

As we mentioned earlier in the show,

I have I am very good at getting my nuts sucked,

so I just wanted to throw that out there.

I'm liking the tuck, Nick.

What tuck?

The French tuck.

The French tuck.

What's the French tuck?

You're tucked in in the front of your shirt.

Oh, that just happened by accident.

I know, because you just went to pee and then you pulled your pants back up.

Oh,

my God.

My dick

is small

as full

gingham.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

And my nigga's small.

I really don't know what to do on this quarantine.

I mean, it's crazy.

All these fucking shows got canceled, and it's like, I have, that's it.

That's

2020.

That's the only thing I had planned.

Just go back to dudes rocking.

But guess what, dude?

Guess what?

Like,

by the way, girls, if you're listening, you fucking suck.

Yeah, fuck you.

Fuck you.

Y'all suck.

Dude, that's one thing that's one gift I think Elizabeth Warren has given us.

It's just,

she's made me feel a lot more comfortable to be a lot more open about my misogyny.

Now I can just go back into the TP and fuck my dog, Bailey.

It's really strange.

Dude, the thing is, she doesn't know anyone anything.

This person trying to be President of the United States.

You're not the boss of her.

You're not her boss.

She don't boss her around.

She does what she wants.

Girl style.

I think the thing is, some dude, can you imagine like being in a relationship with a woman that's like hysterical and crying about Elizabeth Walmart?

I mean, no.

And you have to, I would fucking kill myself.

And you have to just be like, baby, it's okay.

She's like, oh, yeah.

Damn.

I would love to cheat on you.

She was the best qualified

for the job.

Can you just give me

She had to take Super PAC money.

My friend, she said she just cheating on her with another guy.

That is awesome.

Take that, bitch.

Take that.

I'm having gay sex in the living room.

Some guy I met on PlayStation.

Why are you doing this to me?

Bitch, shut up.

Shut up, bitch.

Shut up.

We're voting for Bernie Trump.

I'm having gay sex with my Bernie bro in the fucking living room, room, bitch.

Some gay guy's like, I don't really care.

I don't care.

That guy's just cashing in on some cock on the side.

Right.

Respect to him.

But then he also calls her a bitch.

Yeah.

Those fucking teal profile pick motherfuckers.

They are the biggest fucking losers in that world.

I've been off.

I've been off.

I don't know.

That's Elizabeth Warren Bros.

I saw a picture.

You change their your shit to teal.

It's Liberty Green.

Shut up, bitch.

Oh, like the statue?

Yeah.

Damn.

Which it was a gift from the Italians, by the way.

The French.

The French.

Shut up, both of you.

How did you not know that?

That's a pretty everyone knows that.

Are you sure it was the Italians?

It was the French.

It was the Italians.

Are you sure?

Are you doing a bit, or did you really?

No, I swear.

No, it was the French, bro.

Isn't the inscription in Italian or something?

Latin.

It's in Latin, yeah, which I guess is like the basis for French and Italian.

Italian, much more so than French.

Give us you're sick, you're poor, you're mentally retarded, you're gay, you're hungry, you're BBWs, you're weird.

You're fast bitches in the country.

You're doms, you're subs, you're pay pig, you're fuck pigs, you're gossips.

Hell yeah, dude.

Just toad with twinks.

Toad with a water,

a tube injecting water into it.

People love inflation shit.

And he's saying, Mario, Luigi, help.

Have you ever fucked a feeder?

No, but I fucked like two girls that were into fat men.

That felt awesome.

I felt hot, dude.

I remember.

I felt like Johnson.

I remember one of those times, and that was pretty epic.

I was very happy for you.

Yeah, dude.

We got in a fight right before it happened.

Then afterwards, you told me about it, and I was like, you know what, my boy?

I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

Yeah, dude.

It's just, yeah, a bitch just eyeing me up like,

like, this is the body.

This is what I want.

She wants to see.

Just feeling objectified.

I want it.

Yeah, I love getting objectified.

Just feeling like a woman.

Yeah.

I want to feel like a woman.

And a lot of gay men do that, but it's not the same.

Yeah, I'm trying to feel like an animal.

Okay.

Like, I live outside in the woods.

You know?

I can see that.

And I could disappear.

Like a spirit guide.

Of course.

That's what I want.

Where would you live?

In the woods.

Yeah.

Like, at night, where would you sleep?

I wouldn't sleep.

He would be always constantly.

I would disappear into the ether and rest in the nether realm.

Beautiful.

Yeah.

You want to walk about?

This movie I watched.

That's how I want to feel.

That's awesome.

I watched the movie where everybody had cool fucking nicknames, like

the white dragon and the golden fucking leopard and the red.

Damn, that sounds like a really cool movie.

It was cool, dude.

Well, anyway, the white dragon was hanging out.

That's the premise of the movie is everyone has cool nicknames.

Honestly, pretty much.

Imagine a world where everyone has cool niggas.

What movie?

It's called Blood of the Dragon.

Okay.

It's pretty tight.

And the White Dragon was Caucasian?

The White Dragon was a Chinese or Chinese man.

And

they were fighting the Mongols.

Okay.

So they were fighting the retards.

Yeah.

And the White Dragon, the reason I brought it up was because he was chilling on the top of a branch.

It was pretty cool.

This was like early.

They did a little wire stuff.

Kind of crouching tiger type shit.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Directed by Pao Shu Kao.

It had a really good soundtrack, also.

White Dragon must get a list with the names of rebel supporters to Prince Ma Tong, the leader of the rebellion, trying to stop him and his mission, the evil prime minister.

Oh, fuck that prime minister, dude.

Yeah, them talking about prime ministers was kind of weird and shit.

But whatever.

Yeah.

Oh,

my dick

is small.

Damn, this pre-recording shit is tough.

Nah, dude.

Nah, because it's like, how many more times are you going to talk about the coronavirus?

Well, I think we're at a different stage of the coronavirus.

It felt like a lot changed from Tuesday to Wednesday this week.

And now this episode is coming out.

Yeah, it was in seven weeks.

Oh, yeah.

The episode's coming out in like a week and a half.

But it was a crazy fucking week.

Yeah.

When they canceled the NBA,

or I guess suspended.

My word.

That's when I was like, fuck this, dude.

Old people dying, that's one thing.

But what what the fuck am I going to watch?

Get high as fuck at night and sleep.

What am I going to do for that, bitch?

It would be funny if, like, you know, the coronavirus killed your grandparents and you were like, oh, damn, I forgot I do care.

Yeah, actually, I was thinking about my grandma.

I'm kind of scared for her.

Yeah, that's like, because a lot of people are like, old people, who cares?

And then you think, like, oh, I know.

I love a couple old people.

No, I know a couple of them.

But, like, conceptually, as a concept, being old as shit, it's like, pal, maybe you're better off.

Yeah,

I'm going to go old yell at my grandma just in case.

Well, I saw that they're actually probably.

Yeah, I'm going to fuck my grandma to death.

That's what they did the old yellow.

Just to save her the indignity of dying of coronavirus.

Give her one last bust.

Just really, just rail that shit out, dude.

I mean, I'll be disgusted to do it.

Yeah.

But that's.

You'll be doing it for your family.

In Japan, they carry the elderly to the top of a mountain and let them die up there.

That's kind of the same thing.

Yeah.

It's fucking your grandma to death.

I saw that just going in raw, no, not even spitting on it, just tearing it up.

Yeah, hasn't been wet and ripping all of it.

Since Truman was in office, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, just bleeding out

through vaginal tears.

Oh, yeah, just tear it, just destroy it,

you know what I mean.

And you're saying, I love your grandma, yeah, I love you, kissing her on her neck, yeah.

You're singing, um,

my heart will go on.

You're playing it.

My ass will go on.

Every night in my ass.

I get fucked.

I get

fucked.

Lots of guys busting.

And then we fucked in the car, in the storage area.

Wow, keep going.

My.

Either we said that on the show before, or somebody does that as a bit.

Did it feel like an obvious premise?

About when Jack and Rose fuck in the car.

Well, and my ball.

I feel like

it was either a joke I pitched to somebody once, and they were like, Somebody already does that, but like the whole idea is.

What is the joke?

Well, the movie Titanic is being told by

an old bitch.

That's the whole premise of the movie: they're sitting around listening to her tell that story, which includes sex scenes.

So they're just sitting there while some old bitch is like, and then he fucked me up.

And then he fucked me in the car.

And we fucked so much that there was steam on the windows.

He came inside of me.

Yeah.

And then I took my shirt off.

And what do they do with the screen?

He closed my breasts and he painted it.

Do you think he

what do you think they did with the

sucked him off to completion?

Or do you think he busted inside?

I don't know.

They should have gone into that.

It would have been a better movie.

The director's cut.

Were people, were bitches swallowing come back then?

Yeah, all this shit.

Nothing's new.

No, I don't think that's true.

No, I know.

I'm familiar with your joke about how you think older generations weren't doing it.

No, I'm not, first of all, don't bring my action.

It's a good joke.

I've seen you do it, but I just disagree with the point.

First of all, I think you're wrong in that things are cyclical.

I'm not bringing your act into this to some things are sacred.

My dad tells me a story about when his grandmother was dying and she had dementia and he went to the hospital to visit her and she had returned to like some sort of adolescent state where she just started telling him about going into the forest with the rest of the boys from the village to pull her skirt up and show them her pussy.

Hell yeah, nice.

Your grandma was a fucking slut, dude.

Yeah, I think that

she got fucking gangbanged in a forest

by other boys from the village.

That's pretty tight.

My point is, I think some things are cyclical, and I think sometimes people were freaks.

Suck diplical.

Suck diplical.

But I don't think people were swallowing cum

at certain points in history.

That's all I'm saying.

They were probably, a lot of them were getting cream-pied on the bottom of the bus.

Not in the 40s and 50s, no, you're right.

Thank you.

They were busting somewhere else.

I'm saying, did Rose, was Rose a dirty bitch that loved calm?

That's all I want to know.

Yeah, she was.

Did she cheat on Billy Zane?

He was a good people.

You know, Billy Zayn was not getting his dick sucked to completion.

Did they imply that he had ED or something?

Maybe they didn't.

Yeah.

I don't know, dude.

So, what else, guys?

I don't know, man.

I don't fucking know.

What kind of meals can we make in quarantine?

Ramen with cream cheese?

What?

You ever done that?

Pretty good.

Is it good?

Actually, I have done like a packet ramen and you put an American cheese and scallion.

So, somebody hit me with a what when you've done something just as gross.

It's pretty gross, but pretty good.

Sounds like something a hater would do.

Yeah,

a giggler, one might say.

Giggler, a giggling-ass hater.

Take one to notice.

I say I giggle, but I'm not a hater.

I giggle.

I'm far from a hater.

I only giggle at the meek.

That's true, you do, which is the worst type of giggler to be.

Yep, you know how I am.

You can't giggle at the strong.

But at least

people are posting these pictures of stores that got nothing in them, and I have not seen that once.

Trader Joe's in Dallas.

I've been to like three or four GameStops, and it's fucking stocked.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're stocking up on provision.

Well, I thought I would have to go in there and, and you know, get all my Funko pops, yeah, but now,

because

once we're quarantined, dude, what am I going to do?

Sit around and not look at little bobblehead versions of Luke Skywalker and Kylo Ren, little toys, which I need, which didn't exist until three years ago.

I found out about them on Reddit, and now I need all of them.

And they have to be in the box.

I have to prove to the other guys who I work at Panera Bread with that I am an epic nerd.

I'm an epic nerd

I am what you call lay epic fag I am an epic fag

I am lay epic fag

god damn those people are fucking gay

they're the worst

that guy

shout out to uh

shout out to what's his name nick nick nick chirelli did a video where he went to the funko Funko Pop store.

Oh, hell yeah.

He just posted it.

It's very funny.

That guy's funny as hell.

The guy he does videos with?

The other guy's very funny, too.

The tall guy.

Yeah, those guys aren't.

Thomas Williamson.

Thomas Williams.

If I had to pick a name.

That's his name.

It's Thomas Williamson.

I think it is Thomas Williams.

If I had to pick a name off the top of my head, that that guy's name would be.

Yeah.

I'm getting Thomas Williamson vibes.

Thomas Williamson vibes, baby.

Every night and I'm thinking this, though.

I'm thinking this.

I get fucked up.

There's no sports, right?

There's no distractions.

I'm going to start watching movies.

Sunday night, and obviously this is coming out after Sunday night, so it's not going to even be that good of a point.

Yeah.

Everyone's going to be watching that goddamn debate.

It is a shot.

This is the shot

for our king.

I think to take down that fucking retard Biden.

It's Adams politics, Cornwall.

They're going to inject him with a drug that keeps him cogent for for like an hour, and then it like sucks his life.

Yeah, they're gonna give him Adderall or something.

They have some kind of

but him on Adderall rambling is gonna be amazing, exactly.

Yeah,

yes, y'all could fly the plane and the damn plane something fucking

the famous speech, of course, the famous Benzel from Flight speech.

You better, there's two kinds of planes in this world: there's a plane one and the second kind,

bitch

Now, where's that Latina to give me a head from the beginning?

There's a regular plane.

She had some nice titties, that latino.

There's a regular plane

and a soul plane.

Somebody just said, can I get an F in the chat?

I just got fired from my job for accidentally sending a Big Dave video to some co-workers.

God damn, Big Dave.

I mean,

I guess I'll type F today.

Hit him with an F.

What's the origin of F?

F is for respect.

Yeah, well, it's from a video game.

It's from like with the last like Call of Duty, where like one of your friends dies and you attend the military funeral and it says like on the PC it says press F to give respect.

That's good.

Yeah, damn nice.

I like getting caught up with internet stuff.

Yeah, I was not up on that and a lot of people were hitting me with F's in the comments and I thought that they were just calling me a faggot.

Yeah, they were trying to get a faggot chain started.

Yeah, F A

G O

G

Yeah, that is nice when that happens

and no one disrupts it.

Well, they usually do it with another word.

That's true.

A naughtier one that

I've never seen.

I have something really naughty for you, dude.

It's my penis.

So suck my penis.

Fuck, dude.

I literally, the second shit got started the second shit got canceled, I was like, time to have a relapse.

I've been just getting

it.

I'm getting fat as fuck again, dude.

And I'm already too fat to begin with, so we're in a danger zone right now.

And I have dick pills, so my dick works now.

No matter what, that's the real problem.

That's a fucking

I'm gonna get a monster truck to beat the virus because if you stay, they say anything under 15 feet is where the virus lives.

Oh, the virus lives on low, low, low ground, low atmosphere.

Yeah, get a monster truck, just imagine me ripping through Brooklyn,

just driving over like a truck drifting around corners, just smashing up

a block of parked cars.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I'm like, you can't stop me.

I'm a socialist.

I'm a good guy because I do socialism.

Yeah.

This is the SS socialist.

I'm one of the podcasts that ruined the Bernie campaign.

Yeah.

How well?

What do you think about it?

We're the pussy.

This is what people are accusing us.

Are they?

Who's accusing us?

The New York fake news gray lady motherfucking Times.

gay lady the gay lady the gay lady i will never listen to a fucking woman dude a gray woman

be in color if you want me to listen to you

yeah i only listen to mamasitas of colorito that's right

absolutely papito yeah i'm kind of um i like to think of i like to say you know how you say people of color women of color i like to think of kings of leon in that same case

What's up, my fellow kings of Leon?

Hire more kings of Leon.

Why don't we have more kings of Leon on TV?

When you're sucking my penis,

you're making me gay.

You're making my penis.

And I'm getting my dick sucked.

That's the best Shreds video.

I'm getting my dick sucked.

Is the Kings of Leon sexual fire shreds?

Your penis is in my ass.

Bernie or bust.

Sanders fans will never vote for Biden.

I will not vote for Joe Biden.

I won't do it.

Yeah, I probably won't.

I mean, at least because we're in New York, we can't.

I was gonna vote for Trump, but now he's not funny anymore with the coronavirus.

It would be funny if he dies from it, though.

He probably has.

Yeah, that would be funny.

He was kissing Bolsonaro in fucking Mar-a-Lago.

Bolsonaro's bitch ass keeps getting sick.

My man is like almost dead constantly.

He looks like evil Mr.

Bean.

Yeah, he's doing...

He's making...

He's making his supporters do a...

It's funny, though.

It really is.

Well, we're going to get a lot of fun.

No.

You're not coming in on this.

We're enjoying what you're saying.

You're doing the news, and we're doing it.

All right, I'm going to stop doing the news.

Go back to doing the news, bitch.

I'm not trying to dissuade you from.

Trump kissed Bolsonaro at Mar-a-Lago.

He probably has has it.

That would be awesome.

The manager of our Arsenal Football Club has it.

Who's that?

Mikhail.

How many people happened to Arsenal?

How about a team?

We haven't caught up with that.

Was there ever a soccer team?

We canceled.

They canceled the season, so Liverpool's not going to get a chip.

They've never won the Premier League before.

They were like fucking killing it this year.

No, anything funny happened to Arsenal in the UEFA?

They changed their name.

Yeah, they lost to Libiacos in a fucking

tragic manner.

Yeah.

Yeah, I pwned to you, bro.

That was me.

You pwned me.

That was our two clubs.

And I'm the heavy underdog on that one, dude.

Yeah, I mean,

most of the fucking players on the Greek team were just smoking stokes on the fucking pitch.

I loved it.

My dirk.

Well, listen, folks, you're listening to this.

You're deep in quarantine.

We pre-recorded this a week before, so we don't.

Maybe the world's completely fallen to shit.

Maybe the world's okay.

Maybe there's flying cars.

This is usually where we plug things, but it seems like everything's done.

There's no plugs.

All this shit is Canceliano.

Canceliano.

Hey, Antonio Canceliano.

I just, you know, I heard a couple of people saying maybe you use the M word.

You know, somebody.

Who do we do?

Tony Simpanero?

That's a great one, dude.

Yeah.

Hey, Queen.

Hey.

It's Michael Canceliano.

It's Michael Canceliano and Tony Supernero.

No,

I'm just saying.

I heard maybe 15 years ago you said something racist.

You know, that would be a problem.

It would be a problem if you did that

if you used the M-word when you were 13.

Synthetically, I'm saying maybe somebody could get you fired.

It's a pretty job you got there.

I wouldn't want anything happening to you.

I just want to say that I have the receipts.

It'd be a real shame.

Yeah, it'd be a real shame if somebody came through here and told your boss that you didn't respect girls' boundaries.

Maybe somebody sent a little Facebook message to your mom.

You know what I mean?

Say, this is the son you raised.

He's 35 years old, and he said, Suck my dick, bitch, to a complete stranger on the internet.

Maybe your mom, who we've doxed, put

we've got your mom's jobs f phone number so people can call him up and say,

Yeah, this woman raised a man who thinks it's okay to tell a woman to shut up ever.

A woman he doesn't know.

Who's annoying?

Who's annoying?

Who's being a dumb bitch?

Who's being a dumb bitch that he'll never meet in real life?

Because I know

me fantasizing that I'm the mother of a grown man,

I would say,

I brought you into this world.

I can take you out of it, pal.

I just want to say yikes.

I just want to say from the bottom of my heart, yikes.

That's a yikes for me.

That's a fucking yikes for me.

Yeah, like honestly, like if, you know, there's believe women, but if, like, a woman I know was like, I've never believed,

like, you know, some guy told me to shut the fuck up, of course, you'd be like, what were you saying?

And what were you wearing?

It does not equate to what were you wearing.

And what were you wearing?

It is different.

It is way different.

Especially on the phone.

Anyway, whatever.

Yeah, on the internet.

Where they deserve it.

Where they deserve to be arrested.

You want to be online?

With the fellas?

You want to be on the internet?

We can't call you gay.

What are we going to do?

So you suck dick?

You probably like that.

Yeah, you probably fucking like that.

You know, so you got to do something.

You can't make anybody have a good time ever.

Good times are canceled.

Good times are canceled.

Michael Canceliana.

Hey, I'm fucking Michael Canceliana.

Hey, listen, no, I'm just saying.

Maybe.

I heard you said some not-so-charitable things about the Chinese when you were in seventh grade.

I just want to say, I always got rapey vibes.

Let me ask you this:

creepy rapey vibes.

Maybe you can explain this MySpace picture of you pulling your eyes back.

Oh, you can?

Oh, you can't?

Yeah, that's the sound of me sending it.

That's me emailing you.

That's fucking bush.

You sending an anonymous email to Mr.

William Carter.

Sound familiar?

No, I have no idea who that is.

You're like, well,

somebody that has a similar name to you works at an office somewhere.

And he will be getting fired.

That guy will get fired, which is okay with me.

I just have a taste for blood.

I just am a vindictive piece of shit, you could say.

Who, if we're being honest, is probably just as bad a person, if not worse, than you.

Yes, probably.

And almost certainly worse.

Certainly, fucking six six months ago was doing all the things I'm mad about now.

In fact,

I probably hate the police, but if you put a gun and a badge in my hand, it would be like the 9-11 of Trayvon Martin.

Ah, fuck.

Well,

folks,

at least podcasting will never go away.

It'll never go.

You know, it's like what they said in the Sopranos.

There's

certain industries that are resilient.

We're recession-proof.

Yeah.

Podcasting.

Certain aspects of the entertainment industry and our thing.

Yeah.

You know?

This thing of ours, podcasting.

All right.

Well, goodbye.

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