Ep. 193 – Iow…what?

Hey, it's Brian Christopher.

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Charlie, come get some pussy.

We're checking it, and if you're not doing it, then you're fucking gay.

Charlie, we're checking the sound check.

Do the Charlie voice to check it.

Charlie, miss me, Charlie.

Charlie, let's get some pussy.

Charlie,

it's time to go out with the boys to get some pussy.

I can't wait to go to Iowa to get a pussy.

Are we doing the pork packing, guys?

Is that who we are?

Oh, from the plant?

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Salute to them.

Well, bad news.

I don't know what happened, but I've lost everything on the soundboard except that.

Whoa.

What?

I guess the SD card.

Well, that was the most important.

I have them all backed up.

Well, the beep is important.

There's going to be a lot of beeps

after that

F-A-G-G-O-T

Mayor.

No, dude.

What?

Come on, man.

I'm sorry, but look, there's two kinds of gay people.

There's gay people.

This is the Chris Rock bit.

He's doing the Chris Romage bitch.

This is Chris Rock homage.

This is the Chris Rock bit.

I don't know.

He's a cocksucker for what he did,

but not the cocksucker.

Now the Louis bit.

Now we're doing the Louis bit.

You know what?

You go ahead.

Then

I won't say anything, and we can stifle our anger.

Well, we don't have to stifle our anger towards Mayor Pete, but

it's not because he's

I'll let you take it away and you can determine the tonality politics corner.

Okay, let's go.

Mayor Pete's a fucking homo.

Oh, wait, you're right, you're right, you're right.

Okay, let's start over.

Okay, let's start over one more time.

Okay, Adam, your turn.

I think Mayor Pete's a regular Nancy boy.

Oh, Biden-style.

Biden-style.

He's a real Esther.

I said, listen here, Esther.

A pizza shit.

Uh-huh.

We all know that we can only say this and use these terrible terms because he's not actually gay and he's only gay for the clout.

And we've all established this show before.

That is true.

And

if someone were to appropriate queer culture, the struggles that they've been through.

A cis white man and no less.

A cis white man who made some sort of political calculation that says the only way that my victory in politics can be a civil rights uh you know yeah that's way less offensive than just calling him a faggot for

i'm sorry i stand by that he's he is not he's i am i as a he's being a faggot that's it

that's all you have to say no you don't have to accuse him of not being gay as a man who is constantly fucking in some cutesy roundabout like oh no true Scots homo would fucking would do such a thing.

Well, if I knew what that was, I probably would be doing doing that.

But no, my argument is that as a man who is constantly called gay on the internet, I don't think he's one of us.

Thank you.

I mean, he's just a little

piece of shit weasel, though.

No, he sucks, dude.

He was like, we're going to use Grinder to tally the votes.

I've got Chassin setting up a profile for every Iowan voter on Grindr.

And then you swipe right on the, oh,

it messed up.

Looks like I win.

So, yeah, what a move.

I respect that as a move.

To be like, I actually won.

I won.

We don't know what happened, but I won.

It would have been cooler if someone else did it.

Like, who?

I don't know, like Clobuchar.

Klobuchar would have been cool.

She was like, I won.

I would, yeah.

I'm trying to.

I'm trying to suck Clobuchar's dick.

I mean, yeah, this shit fucking sucks, dick, dude.

They're trying to fucking...

We should polish up the gats, dude.

We should get the fucking Tommy gun ready.

Oh, no, it's gun time for me.

It's gun time for old Adam.

Let's get bazookas and shit.

I'm going to learn about what the, you know, the best deals on guns are.

Should we start a militia?

Do some comparison shopping.

Should we start a militia, a hard dick warriors militia?

Oh, 100%.

We should start gun running.

Yeah, I mean, this shit is fucking...

This shit sucks, Dick.

They're really going to just try and hamstring the boy Bernard heftily.

But it doesn't matter, man.

You know what I'm saying?

It's also such a strange process where everyone else in the room has to see who you're voting for.

Well, that's the thing.

Isn't this the one you can't really steal?

Isn't all this shit public?

No, because, like, if you didn't cross the threshold, then you can, like,

you can fuck over Bernie by telling all of your delegates to evenly go to everyone else.

See, the problem is that there's, like, a bunch of these, like, places, right?

And I don't know what the app was for, but presumably it's to report, like get consensus on what the results were from each of the individual.

Like, but don't they just write the shit down anyway?

Sure.

But now that now they have to fall back on like the written down like tallies and results from all of the individual caucuses because there was an app that was designed by fucking like Robbie Mook.

Yeah, everybody.

Like Robbie Mook,

I guess

somebody that works on Mayor Pete's campaign, the CEO is her fucking fiancé.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, they spawned like $60,000 developing the app.

I mean, there's like a bunch of shit that's just,

whether it's improper or not, the appearance of it is fucking insane.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, like, first stop, that's like, oh, let's get an app to make sure that there's no problems with the Iowa caucuses.

Let's hire a company to do it.

Why do a fucking app?

Let's hire a company to do it.

Here are the potential contractors.

Here's a company called Shadow Incorporated.

No, they're out.

Done.

Immediately.

Just the name.

Just the name alone we're not hiring them no okay never mind all of these like conflicts of interest and like why people like were complaining about iowa four years ago it's like how about we'll find a company that's like in bed with all of these people that we accused of colluding the fuck over one specific candidate are now involved with with this company yeah well hold on though because bernie apparently is russian now everyone's saying that if if you're saying it was rigged it's because bernie's a russian oh okay and the trolls, Russian trolls, are fucking doing that narrative.

So not only is Bernie not being fucked, according to these people, but it's like he's being aided by Russians.

Honestly, he should have given a victory speech.

Yeah.

Fuck the rest of them.

He did say he feels like he did very, very well.

Didn't he basically did he beat Clinton or was it like a tie last time?

It was like, like, she won by like

1% or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She vastly underperformed.

Yeah, it just doesn't make any fucking sense why the fuck you would have like

why an app has to get fucking involved.

It just count the shit.

Write it down on a fucking piece of paper.

Everybody sees who you fucking

go with.

I don't know, man.

I don't give a fuck.

This fucking sucks.

I still think Bernie's going to win, but they're going to fuck his ass every step of the way.

Yeah, but here's the thing.

They already had an app to handle something like that.

It's called fucking email, and it's been around forever.

Yeah.

you don't need there needs to be a special app to do basic math yeah it's the calculator

you fucking just condition yeah you have like use slack have a fucking group chat with like you know each reporting you know district or whatever the fuck it is like

you just tally it up it doesn't there's no you don't need a special app that all of this money goes into and again it's like that was it was never tested also yeah i don't know if there's a way to they they yeah well apparently i mean i guess yeah, there would be a way to.

There's a way to test it on a statewide level, and it was never tested before they used it.

Hell yeah, dude.

Well, they're not going to do this shit in Nevada anymore, apparently.

Oh, that's.

Oh, well, I'm proud of my home state.

Are you going to fly back to vote, dude?

No, I'm registered here.

I used to renew my driver's license online so I can remain a resident of Nevada.

Which was a battleground state, but they didn't let me.

And to vote for Harry Reid.

Because I was a big

fan.

I was.

I was.

You called yourself a Reed Tard.

I'm Adam Friedland.

I think my parents were actually...

They were big.

Reed tards?

No,

they were clothespin voters for him.

They held their nose because they were very upset that I think his wife was Jewish and converted to Mormonism to marry him.

And my parents were scandalized.

That is fucked up.

Hold on.

Oh, who's the one with the Chinese wife?

McConnell.

McConnell.

Damn.

She's fire.

She is pretty hot.

He's got like

the first type of

visible Asian women that society allowed, which is like newscaster Asian.

Yes, of course.

Connie John's bitches.

That's a weird picture.

I got to say, salute to Mitch for that.

Like a Debbie Lingling type.

I don't respect him.

Is that a real person?

Good afternoon.

You're watching Channel 7 News.

I'm Debbie Lingling.

Is your eyes taped completely open?

I'm not Chinese.

I was Chinese, but I am no longer Chinese.

I am a broadcaster now.

First and foremost.

My pussy has been straightened by the news.

They inserted a spade into my pussy and twisted it back to the correct position so I may do the news.

This is Debbie Lingling

doing the news.

Damn, so you think Mitch McConnell fucks his wife a bunch?

Oh, yeah, that's a good question.

Yeah, that's a good question.

Stop.

Yeah, the answer is yes.

That's crazy.

Because

he loves her a long time.

Okay, we all know this.

Mitch McConnell.

What are we talking about?

Wife.

I think she's transportation secretary.

Yeah, she is.

Elaine Cho.

Yeah, honestly, man.

Honestly, for a guy that looks like that looks like Mitch McConnell, that's a nice piece of pussy power.

But

she's attracted to the power, you know.

That's true.

And that neck, dude.

And that neck.

She puts her pussy in the neck, because that way it's like it molds.

You know what I mean?

So it's like, it molds to fit her pussy.

That's right.

Because his neck is kind of like a beanbag chair.

Hmm.

Although, some angles, you know.

Let's see.

Let's see.

I would love to have my, if they ever come up with the surgery to have my

ball sack skin replaced with denim.

Yes.

With like back pockets on the front.

You know, and I can just, yeah, I can put one of my fingers in the pockets and just stand around like that.

Like, how y'all doing?

Oh, yeah.

Keep your wallet.

Yeah, I just push my dick to the side and then I just put one finger

in the little jean pocket.

How y'all?

How y'all doing?

How y'all doing?

Pretty good.

Pretty good.

Yep, just a country boy

hanging around.

Just a good old boy with jeans, balls.

Just wearing my jeans.

Just wearing my nut jeans.

Oh, you haven't seen jeans like this before?

Yeah, I got them in Vider.

Yeah, but they got a new jean shop in Vider, then they're doing.

You can get your ball skin replaced with a pair of tiny dungarees.

Just with

one of your hips hinged up, hinged up with your finger just in the little ball.

Your little balls.

They still look exactly like balls, but they're fucking genes.

They're denims, and then you tuck your penis into the other pocket.

So your penis is not denim.

No, your dick's fine.

Where does it end?

Right at the base?

What do you mean, where does it end?

Where does the gene end?

It's the whole ball sack.

Right.

So at the base of your cock, there's an element that's...

That's just...

Wouldn't that chafe the base of your cock?

No.

Because your gene is tough material.

You're not taking into consideration that most of us don't have a layer of fat pushing our balls forward.

I'm not thinking that.

What I'm saying is there will be a point somewhere.

Our balls don't point forward.

My balls do not point forward.

Our asses haven't grown.

My balls point down.

That is not what's going on.

So that there's an amount of fat with both a piece of

skin.

First of all, thank you for saying I have a nice fat ass, which you in the past have diminished.

Second of all, I'm saying at a certain point, there will be

denim ball skin will touch regular dick skin.

That's unavoidable.

So at that point, do you worry about chafing?

No, I don't know why.

Chafing is not a concern for me.

Your dick,

if you had

gene just touching cock, That would hurt your cock is what I'm saying.

Because right now my dick is sitting on my balls, right?

Yeah, but I could always just put my dick on one side of my leg or the other.

Constantly?

You think that, but that's not.

No, not while you're walking.

Right now, Adam.

Where's your dick?

Your dick is on the top of your balls, right?

My dick is resting on my balls.

Exactly.

Wouldn't that be a little uncomfortable if there was denim?

Yeah, but a lot of people free ball it.

You know, they don't wear underpants or wear jeans.

I'm just saying you would need a lot of squash.

You're trying to shit on people's dreams today, dude.

Dude, I'm just, I'm not.

I want it to happen.

I just want to figure out a solution to this.

This is what Nick is.

Naysayer.

You're glad Maripete is lying.

I'm not glad he's happy about it.

And now you're trying to, I try to change the subject.

We're not going to talk about Iowa.

You're beaming.

I'm not beaming.

I'm not a Pete supporter.

Because somebody called you up at 2 o'clock last night, and they're like, Mayor Pete is going to make Hershey Kisses free.

Look, he bought me off.

We need you to keep quiet about it.

But Hershey kisses are going to be free.

I'm like, what do you need from me?

Yeah.

What do you need from me to make that happen?

Look, I'll go on the show.

I will fucking support him.

I won't let Nick home a faggot.

You can't tell anybody about this.

Understood, sir.

Thank you very much, sir.

I'm just meeting Donald Sutherland in a park.

I'm like, I don't get it.

Why do you change?

He's like, you don't think they're not giving every fat guy in America free cancer?

You can't trust them.

Yeah.

Do you think Lizzo's actually black?

Why hasn't she ever been seen in a room that's that's warmer than 60 degrees?

It's because she's made out of chocolate.

I'm like, oh my god.

I don't think I put it together.

That's right.

She is only in the famous Lizzo fact is that she's always kept in a cool dry place.

That's right.

She's from Minnesota.

Yeah.

From Minnesota.

Because she's made out of chocolate.

I'm sorry, man.

I'm just trying to figure out: would it be a soft wash denim?

I don't know.

I'm not worried about it.

First of all, I'm a tough cowboy.

So it doesn't matter.

Even if I have a drink,

even if it's callous, it doesn't matter.

I guess if you do it all,

I just want to sit here with my finger in my jean pocket listening to Brooks and Dunn and just hanging out with some couple of fellas from Vider.

Now, would you do it?

Me and my pals from Dell Valley are hanging out.

All right, that's fair.

How are you doing?

Yeah, we're thinking about going over to Elgin to to buy some boots.

Guess where the boots go?

Oh, right under your balls.

Nope.

It's one tiny boot that you put over the head of your cock.

Oh, and then you just have a cowboy boot.

Cowboy style cock.

I like that.

Very Texas style.

Texas style.

Genitals.

I really like that.

If you'd get hard, though,

we would maybe want to put a cowboy hat on your cock and boots on your balls.

That's, yes.

That's for sex.

Yeah.

But for your salt.

Maybe denim, like denim, like a denim, like not, you know, that ball cock ring thing.

Yeah.

So that's got pockets on it, and then boots for your balls, and then a cowboy hat for your dad.

Yeah.

Just hanging out.

Absolutely.

Hanging out out here.

We're here in Blanco.

Absolutely.

We're here in San Saba hanging out with a couple of dudes.

Just having a

just talking about the ranch.

Just talking about the smell of the live oak

wearing our boots.

Talking about boots on our little ass, how many head of cattle?

And I guess you would just, all your pants would have like a little compartment where your nuts would come out.

And then

you're still just wearing like an RVCA shirt.

Yeah.

Like Volcom.

Like Volcom khakis pulled down to your knees.

Oh, yo.

Oh, they're pulled down.

RVCA.

I forgot about it.

Isn't that called Ruka?

Yeah, Ruka.

It was a Brazilian.

It was a Latin,

you know, like how in Latin they make the U's into V's.

Just wearing like fucking Mark Echo shoes.

Aver X.

Yep, just a couple of dudes

hanging out.

We're starting with our balls and slowly moving to the rest of the cowboy culture.

Yeah.

So, Adam, how was Japan, man?

All right.

It was pretty cool.

You went to Zhou Ban.

I went to Nippon.

Nippon.

It was pretty cool, dude.

I learned about one pop.

They call it Nippon themselves.

The Chinese call it Zhurban.

Zerban?

Yeah.

That's their word for it.

That's what the Chinese call them.

So we basically don't listen.

So instead of calling it Nippon, we call it the Chinese say?

Yeah, Chinese how the Chinese say.

Damn.

They got cucked.

Greek people, we call Greece Elas.

We used to call China Siam.

Oh, is that who the king of Siam was?

The king of China?

Really?

Yeah.

I thought Siam was like a

Siamese cat.

Siamese tweens.

I thought that was like a small island called Siam.

No, who knows?

Who gives a shit?

Who fucking cares?

I was telling Nick yesterday, but

I wanted to wait till the podcast to tell you, but I met these three expats who all married Japanese women in their 60s at a bar.

Hell yeah.

Wait, wait, the guys were 60?

They were in their 60s and they all lived there because they married Japanese women.

Because I think immigration is incredibly difficult.

You got to fuck your way into Japanese.

You got to get yourself a little pussy.

And it was an old feller.

That's why they don't want people moving there is because they don't want us fucking their broads.

And we will.

And then so that's why they make it difficult.

But then it's like the one way in there is like, I guess I got to get pussy to get in there.

Well, sorry.

This is what you made me do.

You made me do this, Emperor Hirohito, motherfucker.

I was trying to come over here and just find some BBWs.

That's right.

Some just fat white trash.

We're in Japan.

I accidentally went to Japan, and I'm too stupid to get back.

Where are the flip-flops?

I'm trying to walk to the circle cave.

They won't let me in there.

What am I driving?

Because

I took a dump on the floor last time, Eric.

What am I doing?

Imagine, I'm sorry to cut you off, but imagine those women just the people in suits just crying at their conduct.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How mad they would be at that.

Just white trash fats.

Yeah, just shuffle shorts with their fat pussy.

Juicy sweatpants, like rolled down.

Yes, yes, yes.

Just with the confidence of that.

My pussy is all.

You can just see the top of a tattoo of Popeye the sailor man just punching their cunt

on their lower abdomen.

They just got, yeah, it's my daddy was in the navy, so I got Popeye punching me in the pussy to remember him by.

No, he's not dad.

I just forget who he is.

I'm addicted to Freon, so I can only remember one parent at a time.

And now I just remembered my mom, and I was like, who am I talking about again?

Oh, right, my tattoo.

And that, right, because yes, I have a dad.

I have a dad, and he was a dad.

datas who I remember, but it's weird if you did molest me.

I'm addicted to Freon, so I often forget him and remember my mom instead.

And then, wait a minute, who is I talking about again?

Because I got a mom, and I know I do.

I have another mom or do I have a mom with a dick?

Maybe it's a mom.

Oh, you know what?

My dad.

I just saw it.

Saw the Popeye tattoo reminding me again.

That's right.

I got a daddy.

And he fucked.

Who did he fuck?

To make me.

To make me.

Who was it?

You have to forgive me.

I'm addicted to Freon.

Yeah, you have to forgive me.

I went to jail for stealing refrigerators.

Yeah, I got arrested at the Days In for sucking all the gas out of the back of the ice machine.

They said, where is your room card?

And I said, I forgot it at the Circle K when I was taking the dump in between the aisles because they wouldn't give me the bathroom code,

and then they said there's not a bathroom code, it's just open.

And I said, Well, that's somebody's fault.

That's somebody's fault.

And

it ain't mine.

Just a man committing seppuku as she's telling the story.

Oh,

that's the nice.

That's the nice thing about the Japanese is they're very, they have so a lot of customs.

But if you're breaking the customs, they're not going to tell you.

They're just going to feel bad about it.

Yeah.

The best was like I was going up to escalator that time, and I was like pushing my ass into your face while you were trying to look at shit.

And there was a Japanese woman like bundled up behind you that was just furious.

Yeah, absolutely.

But they won't say anything.

Yeah.

They're too like proud to say anything.

They'll just like shake their head and look down at you, girl.

Just go home and fucking

tend to their bongs a little bit.

But what am I?

What am I just getting on a packed elevator with them and just ripping at us?

And then laughing.

You were hitting Adam with your umbrella

on the train, and everyone was mortified.

No, I was trying to hook Nick's foot with the umbrella.

Is that what was happening?

And then Nick started stomping you.

And then he started stomping.

He started stomping on his feet.

No one talks.

No one talks.

No one's talking.

No one's making eye contour.

Well, somebody

beating John.

When Dasha came back at one point, she was like, somebody grabbed my pussy on the train.

Yeah.

And she was like, I didn't want to say anything because it's their culture.

Yeah.

What a fucking idiot.

Yeah.

Anyway.

So these three guys.

Oh, those three guys.

I was going to say something else, but like...

I'd say that the other three.

One of my Japanese friends was like, talking of, speaking about, like, people of different cultures.

What do you mean, one of your Japanese friends?

One of my friends that I made on this trip.

Was telling me that a lot of his friends are half Japanese.

It's weird that that could because you're so unlikable in English.

Actually,

I think they respect me there.

Yeah.

I think I found a place where they respect me.

Or at least they don't tell me they disrespect me.

That's what is what you were just saying, though.

Yeah, yeah.

How the Japanese would never actually tell you.

Yeah, so that's enough for me.

Yeah, you don't need to know.

That's, I'll take it.

But no, he was saying that a lot of his friends are half

Filipino, half Japanese, because Japanese men get mail-order brides from the Philippines.

And I was like, oh,

that's cool.

And he was like, yes, because their bodies are more better

because they have big ass and big ass TTs.

Okay, nice.

So that's like, anyway, why aren't we going?

Let's go to the Philippines, dude.

Yeah, there's fucking

there's some there's some hotties down there.

I was gonna go to China, but now the Wuhan.

Now these Wuhan fools have fucked your shit.

I won't say it.

You can say that one, dude.

What?

You don't even know what I'm gonna say.

Whatever it is.

Actually, maybe no, never mind.

Some of these Wuhan players.

Oh, yeah, don't say that.

Yeah, yeah.

Players.

Just calling anytime you want to say the N-word, saying players with a smile on your face.

I mean, yeah, that's yes.

Going up to black people, just calling them players.

That's just...

Just that movie Ready Player One comes out.

You're just there.

Oh, yeah.

Just have it, just smiling, laughing.

Every time they say the word player, you're like, yeah.

Woo!

Yeah, I know what the name of the movie, really.

I know what they call it.

I know what this is.

I know what they mean.

Yeah, I know what they mean by that.

Anyway,

so the three, the three dudes, there were two, like, two white dudes and a guy from Ghana.

And one of the white guys has an iPad out, and he he has a picture of the other white guy with like a 25-year-old Japanese girl with his arm around it, and the other guy's freaking out.

He's like, I don't want Yoko to see this.

And like, Yoko's name is Yoko's obviously his wife.

His wife sees it, and she's like, Is this me?

I thought I was older, but every other way it looks exactly like that.

I guess this is me.

He's like,

He's like, If Yoko sees this, like, I'm dead.

You know, he's like freaking out.

And then the African guy,

his name is George from Ghana.

Respect.

George of the jungle.

I mean, sometimes they're just right, the pitcher hangs one over the plate.

Sorry,

I really

had meant to throw a change up, but it just went out of his hand.

Yeah, that was a lollipop.

And that's it.

The game's over.

We'll see you next year, folks.

That was a lollipop right down Broadway.

That's it.

I really, that was a slow-pitched softball underhand.

Okay.

You know, I gotta know.

Yeah, man, just change his name next time.

Curious George.

He's curious about some new pussy.

Yeah, maybe that's what he meant.

So George, so George is like, he said, your phone,

he's like, your phone has a password, okay?

And your wife knows the password.

But there is an app that you can download.

And it look like on your phone a utilities tab but if you click the app it has a password

and that is where you can hide the picture from your wife

so wait it's just a picture of him hanging out with a girl did he fuck her no i don't know if he fucked her but he was so he just wants to hold on to that george so george got him to download this app that has an extra password to it yeah where he hides all his pictures from his wife so so george cheats on his wife.

I guess ostensibly George cheats on his wife.

They all cheat on their wives.

That's a pretty good life, dude.

Yeah, we were talking about

all types of corners of the world.

Yeah,

those guys kind of had the right idea.

They were pretty happy, I got to say.

They were kind of trying to pitch us on being.

It's weird, though.

Every time I see an expat, especially in Japan, it's like, I don't know,

I see how this is fun, but it doesn't feel like real life.

Feels fake.

Well, you're just, you're never gonna, you're always going to be a foreigner.

Yeah.

Even if you're

you don't really feel at home.

Yeah.

I would guess.

But you got your boys.

You can go out to the Izakai with a pussy from Filipino.

Talk about Japanese.

Hiding pics from your wife.

Yeah.

That's pretty cool.

Those guys ruled, yeah.

And yeah, any yeah, but George, yeah, George made my fucking trip.

Respected George.

Yeah.

And he was dressed perfectly.

George of the Bumble.

Yeah.

You should call him.

Yeah, like the dating app.

Yeah, he's using an app to get it

you bet hey anybody ever call you georgia the bumble what do you mean

never mind man

i can't really explain it but it definitely wasn't racist

so you like living here in japan huh

i'm sure they love that i'm sure the japanese i'm sure the japanese treat you with respect

huge fans of you being over here using your secret apps to fuck more of them

and not even the one you married

extra ones getting some extra

yeah and the one of the other guys they were like

uh the waitress was like it's two-hour time limit you have to go you guys have been here too long and uh two-hour time limit for what for like sitting at the bar ramen

and so uh which sucks i love to chill i love chilling i love chill

i love to just dude i love it my new thing now is renting karaoke rooms and then not doing karaoke rooms just hanging out just hanging out ordering some food, dolo, yeah, a windowless room, yeah, just on your own.

I hook my fucking my Switch up to the uh TV to the projector, yeah, yo, y'all got an HDMI,

y'all got a fucking HDMI in here, yeah.

Do you have cheeseburgers?

Just ordering cheeseburgers and playing fucking Switch.

I got a room, a karaoke room, a couple nights ago.

We got food, I love that, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you sing one?

I did.

What'd you do?

Vaseline by Stars.

Hell yeah, dude.

Sick.

I'm proud of you.

It came.

We brought it up on the show the other night.

Huh?

Or brought it up on the show the other day.

And I was like, all right, let's do Vaseline.

Plus, karaoke sucks, though.

It's like in my ass.

There's very few songs that are actually good to do with karaoke.

There's, it's not like songs that you would want to listen to.

Yeah.

It's different.

Yeah.

It's more like

being like, hey, remember this?

Hey, remember this one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which you could just say.

That would be more fun to go to a bar and you go off and you go, does anybody remember the show Diagnosis Murder?

And then everybody else.

And then like a few people clap.

Yeah, then you get off stage.

Woo, that's good shit.

Who remembers KB Toys?

All right, thanks.

My name is Mike.

I'm Mike.

I'm KB Toys Mike.

Hey, I'm Mike.

I run a blog, KB Toys Appreciation website.

Yes.

Yes, sir.

That is who I am.

I fucking miss KB Toys, man.

Yeah.

Just go into the sword aisle.

Johnny not the

swords.

What's it?

Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney did a

lot of swords over because they might pop you.

No, I used to think that I could have swords.

Sav couldn't be around needles.

My

bad.

Woo!

See that?

That boy played with a sword and he was too fat and he got popped.

That's why you can't have a sword.

All right.

Okay.

I won't play with anything sharp.

Well, my mom just didn't like violence in the home, but me and my brothers loved violence.

Of course.

Boys love violence, dude.

You guys are gay-ass moms trying to

mitigate violence.

Boys need me and my my brother used to beat the fuck out of each other.

That's the other thing, too.

Are you teeing each other?

I literally,

I gave my brother a black eye stone cold, stunnering him, and then I gave my other brother, I cracked his head open, tossing him into his bed.

Hell yeah, dude.

Tossing him into his bunk bed.

That's the thing.

It's like feminists now do this thing.

We're like, and we have to let men cry and show their emotions.

It's like, oh, you're right, but one of those emotions is anger.

And you don't want

slapping around your little brother.

And slapping around your friends.

And it's like, there should be an outlet for violence and anger.

And I think

just some harmless childhood bullying and aggression and beating the fuck out of it.

Yeah, you beat the fuck out of one.

You pick one.

One kid.

We all get it out.

And everyone, the society is better for it.

And yeah, they need it.

And then he becomes good at art.

Yeah.

He becomes a really good, and then he becomes Truman Capote.

Somebody sent me like just a.

He gets a gay list and he's good at writing.

And we beat you in your you man to me.

It's called In Hot Seaman.

And it's a story about I drank a cup of cum

and I can't wait to rank me beat.

What?

Somebody sent me a video, like a TikTok, and there's some teen on TikTok that just like bullies his autistic brother for views.

Jesus.

Like the autistic kid's like looking at stuff on the computer and he comes up and he steals the kid's ears muffs.

The kid's like, oh, oh, oh, geez, he's that autistic!

Yeah, yeah, it's fucking holy.

I saw that.

But what's great is all the replies from people that are like, I thought teens were better than this.

And it's like, no, you tricked yourself into things.

They just have phones.

Yeah, teens, the group of people that traditionally love rules and being bossed around, are now all on board with woke scolding.

Yeah.

Across the board, they all love this.

If anything,

there's going to be a generation of teens that are even worse.

Even worse.

It's because it's like you try to,

it's like a bacteria that's resistant to antibiotics.

The ones that didn't get woke are going to be so bad.

It's going to be great.

Yeah.

Just watching some 35-year-old who decided he's now they in tears, nothing about him has changed.

No.

He's still a graphic as a UX designer for fucking BuzzFeed.

Yeah, yeah.

Who now goes by they, being called the F-slur by a 12-year-old online.

Going by they to hide the fact that he's probably raped somebody.

I thought the kids were supposed to be all right.

Oh, fuck.

The kids were supposed to be all right.

I was supposed to be relevant forever by

fucking throwing everyone I know under the bus and telling them that that's

cooler than me, throwing them under the bus so people younger than me would think I'm cool and not gay.

It all backfired because I have no backbone or principles.

Who would have thought?

Who would have thought that not believing in anything would backfire

and having zero consistency

and just spending my entire life trying to avoid conflict would eventually lead to this?

Yeah, hell yeah, dude.

I can't wait till somebody finds MP3s in generations.

They go,

and they find our MP3s when they're very, when everyone's not woke.

As old men, all the children love us.

Oh, no.

This won't age well at all.

No, it's going to be a lot of fun.

No, no, this is going to be the dead.

This is going to be the Dead Sea Scroll.

But no, that's what I'm saying.

It's going to be a while.

We're talking like 50 years.

No, millennia.

No, this will be seen as heinous as it is.

Yeah, yeah.

A low point in culture.

Right.

It'd be like, what if Andrew Dice's play was never actually even popular?

Yeah.

It was just a guy that was visiting.

He was monetized.

He was playing the empty rooms and and being like well how come all women are faggots

and it's not even like he's selling out madison square garden though he's bombing

yeah

but in the 80s yeah

yeah that is true

but whatever i don't give a fuck

oh you can't give a fuck man that's fucking famous neil young quote really if you give a fuck about anything you're a pussy whoa for real Yeah, that was.

Yeah.

I'm Neil Young.

Yeah.

You get a sticker on his guitar.

It says this machine beats up fucking nerds.

Fucking pussy nerves.

I found a little piece of gold.

Yep.

That's how the song goes.

That's

the song goes.

And I'm searching for a heart of pussy.

And I'm searching for some fucking pussy.

I'm trying.

And I'm getting hard.

And I'm getting hard.

I've been to Hollywood.

I've been to Redwood.

And I'm getting hard.

My hard ass choad.

I want to put it

in your asshole.

And I'm getting my

hard ass choad.

Take that fucking weird out.

Yeah.

Hard and willing.

Hard-ass Joe.

Hard-ass choke.

Yeah.

And I got my

hard ass Joe.

I wonder.

Creamy Load could be in there too, somewhere.

Just, I don't know where.

Creamy Load.

I'm not as familiar with the song as you guys.

Heart of Gold?

Yeah, that's a great song.

Oh, it's right there.

It's in the title.

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

Heart of Gold.

That's the name of the song.

Yeah, I said Peace of Gold because I knew gold was involved.

Yeah.

But I didn't even remember the, you know,

melody.

Piece of gold would make more sense.

I'm sucking on a man's cock

and I'm getting hard.

That's right.

That's right.

Fucking Neil.

How about suck our dicks, Neil?

Neil Young rules.

No, we're fans.

No, not me, dude.

I don't care.

No, you're out of your fucking mind.

Neil Young is the man.

I like Crosby.

Absolute king.

I like Crosby and Stills more.

Nah.

No, those guys suck.

Yeah.

Didn't they sing the Bulldogs?

Crosby is just Gallagher.

David Crosby is very good.

He's just Gallagher.

Yeah, but that guy seems to be.

They're the same guy, and nobody realizes.

You know what, man?

I fuck with Crosby.

He's fat.

He's fat.

No, he's part of the community.

His Twitter is actually really funny because he answers every question.

And he gave a famous lesbian his jizz.

Oh, yeah, Melissa Ethridge.

Which is pretty funny.

Yeah, yeah.

That she wanted that creature's jizz.

If anybody wants me to be their child's father and have no responsibility,

you just want a load, let me know.

Yeah, and the doctor's like, well, bad news, the in vitro fertilization didn't work.

And in fact, you now have diabetes.

Yeah, it's cum is 90% sugar.

I broke this corner.

It's a concentrated form of sugar that scientists

have never seen before.

Yeah, it's like that liquid shit you put in cold brew instead of soda.

It's like you melted.

And I'm

you melted Lucky Charm's marshmallows down.

It's the same thing.

I love drinking

human feces.

I've been to Hollywood.

I've been the red one.

And I'm drinking feces.

And I'm sipping on some warm-ass shit.

Nobody thought that a gay dude from the smallest city in Indiana could suck his his own dick.

And here we are.

We're going to New Hampshire, and I've got my own cock in my mouth.

Oh, fuck.

Eat shit, Pete.

You know, he's just putting cigarettes out on Chastin right now.

Absolutely, dude.

I'm sorry.

It's my fault, Pete.

I'm a little bitch.

I'm sorry, Pete.

Take it out on me.

I can take it.

I feel like you're imagining a relationship.

We should start is like Satan and Saddam Hussein.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes, 100

chasten satan yeah

but but pete i love you

shut up

should we start like you know how people are doing free melania we should start a free chassis

yeah sure yeah

chasten should be with someone that appreciates him a little bit more chasson is chassin's name chassin buttigig yeah yeah he's he changed his last name and no one's ever heard him speak do gay guys just play rock paper, scissors to say who gets who's going to be nice?

No,

they make more sense than they just kept their own last name.

Does the bottom have to take it?

He wears a zipper mask at all public events.

He's always got that zipper mask on.

Yeah,

that is true.

Do lesbians take each other's names?

No, right?

Lesbians do a hyphenated.

I thought everyone does hyphenated now.

No, the lesbians love the hyphen.

Yeah, that's true.

I don't know.

I just made that up.

I guess, I don't know.

And then when a woman's like, I'm going to keep my name, it's like, well, that's just your dad's name.

Yeah.

So some guys are like.

Yeah, women are retarded.

So fuck your dad.

Women are stupid.

Unless you, if you, they ruined Iowa.

We're going to find out that it was all women that ruined that.

It was a woman.

Because it was like, oh, yeah, they can code too, but really they can't.

Oh, that's probably what happened.

They were like, oh, we got

a lot of people.

The only good female programmers are trans.

Yeah.

They're trans women.

Well, they are still women.

It's also, a lot of people know this, every single trans woman knows how to program.

Yeah.

They all know how to program.

That's how you get a new pussy.

That's what's so funny about

telling coal miners to learn how to code.

It's like all of those jobs already went to transform.

To trans people.

Because, yeah.

Because you just do it from your room.

Yeah.

Well, up until two years ago, they thought they were going to have to make their own pussies.

With robots.

With computers.

So they all learned programming.

That makes sense.

That's why the Wukowskis actually came up with the music.

The Matrix.

They were tinkering with some new pussy ideas.

Well, it's so funny that knowing all that, you know, that the genesis of that movie was them closing their eyes, being like, I'm a girl.

I'm a girl.

Just

what if you could close your eyes so hard you slip out of reality into a different world where you can be a girl?

Nah, they stole it from that black lady who wrote The Matrix and the Terminator in one movie.

Hidden figures.

This is originally

about about the black women that invented the Matrix back in the 40s.

It's just like, Henrietta, you said supper's going to be ready by noon.

And it's like, yes, Miss Clarence.

Yes, Miss Clarence.

And then, like, in the kitchen with the rest of the service workers, okay, y'all.

So there's a spaceship

and it's flown by this man Morpheus.

And they got dial-up computers in their brains.

You know, it's like, Henrietta, you working on that story again about

the computer brains?

The man with the computer brain,

and he's flying around in a spaceship trying to bring that white boy, trying to get the white boy some pussy.

Because the oracles say if he gets the right pussy, then that means that he's gonna fuck up all the machines.

They're like, Henrietta, we found your journal.

What it what is this story you're working on?

Oh, it's it's nothing, Miss Clarence.

Don't even bother with it.

Don't worry about it.

And she's like, I gotta send, I got Henrietta, if you would mind, I got a couple of Jewish cousins named Joel and Ethan Wachowski.

I don't know.

They work in show business.

And

they would love to see something like this, Miss Henrietta.

And of course, this was the 60s back then, so that you could just steal ideas.

And then

they send the diary to the Wachowski brothers and like, we can't wait to make this movie and put our names on it.

And then.

And then, yeah, hidden figures.

We know.

We know the movie.

I'm sorry.

I know everyone knows that story.

It was stupid of me to bring it up.

Hidden.

You know, speaking of, well, it is Black History Month.

What do you mean, no?

There was a...

Why are you giving me the chiding finger?

You know, there's the guy that invented.

What's that?

I thought you were going to do a pun.

What pun?

Everyone knows what pun.

Anyway, the guy who invented the super soaker is a black guy.

Really?

And he got his fucking reparations from Hasbro.

They had to pay him like $60 million for stealing his shit.

So, give him a little guitar riff.

Super soaked that's the black, that's the come town black history moment of the episode.

It is February, it's February, yeah.

Damn, well, you shared that story about the Matrix, yeah.

That's now it's your turn, Adam.

I had one.

Um, oh, shit.

Uh,

did you actually shared your story about George?

Yeah, George from Governor, Japan, who knows that app that has a password, so the woman cannot find the piques.

Did he talk like that?

Yeah, he was perfect, dude.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, we took a picture with him.

Nice.

He had the best fit.

You're so racist.

Why?

Just like, I met a black guy that's a fucking cartoon that I took pictures with.

No, no, we listened to everything I say.

He said so I could mock him on my fucking podcast.

We drank on my comedy podcast.

No, we drank with him.

Dude, I saw this complete boop.

That's basically the story you're telling.

what you're like you the when you were in line at fucking cvs like what are you talking about we tell stories about people we see all the time especially people that are stereotypes or like doing funny things yeah what like i'm the only person that's ever done that on the come on and george yes we did drink with him for two hours and have a great time yeah you shared a moment we shared a moment and he and we all we took a picture with those three old guys they were great They were great.

And they were all lying to their wives, and they were telling us how we one day could lie to our wives, too.

Was he the hottest one?

George?

Yeah, he looked good.

How about the other guys?

The white guy?

The other guys did not look as good as George.

George was wearing a turtleneck, and he had chains on around.

I don't often do this, but this is one of the worst messages I've ever gotten on Instagram.

What is it?

I'm a fan of the show.

Segment idea, Tinder update.

Since all the boys are single,

you all have to get Tinder and share pickup lines or funny shit that is said in the chats.

Maybe swap phones and read each other's chats and make fun of how bad Adam is at flirting.

Oh my, what world do these people live in?

Make fun of how bad.

First of all, everyone on the show fucks more than you.

That guy is sweet.

I know, he's a nice guy.

I said, wow, that's such a bad idea.

And he said, hello, sorry.

So now, I mean, I feel bad.

No, that guy's like a sweet guy.

Most of the messages we get.

Make fun of Adam and how bad he is.

Just imagining what we're like on Kinder.

That is fucking gay, dude.

I'm sorry.

Of course, it's incredibly gay, but he seems like a nice guy.

All right, you're right, fine.

Most of the messages we get are like, go to the fucking or immediately.

Yeah.

Like, go to the ovens, you faggin.

Yeah.

I hope they make soap out of you.

By the way, I'm a huge fan, and if you want me to take you around LA,

I can show you the sights.

There's one guy who's one guy who was like, I love you.

Hey, dude, I know you're you're coming to LA.

My family's lived here for six generations.

And

yeah, I can show you around and maybe we can get a bite to eat or something.

And then, like, if you scroll down, it's like, faggot, fucking kike, faggot.

Go to the fucking camps, you fucking faggot.

It's like music to my ears.

It's like Neil Young to me.

What a loser.

What an absolute loser that guy is.

I want to suck you and then fuck you.

But anyway, if you're ever in LA,

segment idea.

Tinder up.

Oh, man.

That poor guy.

Yeah, man, that is tough.

To want that.

To be in a place in your life where you want that from us.

Read each other's chats.

And make fun of how bad Adam is.

Tinder up.

Come on, that's sweet.

Share pickup lines.

Oh, he just wants pussy, dude.

He just wants to get pussy.

Yeah, also, that idea isn't like racist.

It's not like problematic, really.

You're right.

He just, it was like a sweet idea.

All right, you got me.

I'm on.

We're not going to do it, obviously, because it's a terrible idea.

We're not going to do it.

Yes, it's one of the worst.

It's one of the worst ideas.

It's an awful idea.

I mean, people literally say you should kill Adam on the show, and that would be

making good content a better idea.

Understanding what the show is, yes, which is still wrong, right?

That's you're still wrong if that's your suggestion, you're way off base, right?

But Tinder Update,

I mean,

not even get

let's get advice on picking up girls.

Yeah, what

show do you think you're listening to?

Oh, fuck.

I want to get my pickup.

Even Even thinking that any of us would be on Tinder.

Yeah, dude.

You gotta get all just a little bit more.

Can you imagine what a nightmare that would be?

Yeah, Tinder is a scary place.

I want my penis sucked because I'm gay.

Yeah, Tinder was awful even fucking five, six years ago when I was on it.

I know, I can't believe you weren't.

You were actually very funny on Tinder, I remember.

Yeah, I was, but I would, that's because I would use it as an outlet for bits.

Yeah.

Everything was a platform.

Do some bits.

Dude, I wish I saw the screen caps of those.

Are they really dying?

I'd be like, oh, yeah, I remember that.

That was really funny.

Getting pussy off saying I was dying.

That was really good.

Yeah.

What was the thing?

I said that I'm dying.

I'm dying.

And then American Airlines was like, as a charity, sponsoring me to go around the world getting different kinds of pussies

from all over the world.

And I had some name for the blog I was.

That's really funny, dude.

But yeah, no, I mean, these dumb

just women would be like, really?

Like, yeah.

Yeah.

Do you want to come?

Do you want to come to my apartment in Chinatown?

It has zero windows.

It's no win.

It's a box.

It has no windows.

Yeah, I remember you had that shirt that said fart loading.

That was very funny.

Yes.

To put on a dating profile.

Fart loading.

Please wait.

Please wait.

I want my penis hard.

Yeah.

Well,

the Tinder update, baby.

Oh, fuck.

I feel bad.

About what?

That Tinder update guy just seems like a nice guy.

Yeah, well, see, here's the difference.

I didn't say his name.

We didn't say that.

I didn't tell people where he lived.

That's true.

I didn't call him out for cheating on his wife.

Did you?

No, he's saying that he's complaining that you to George, what he did with him, what you did with George.

George, no one's going to find George.

And he doesn't cheat on his wife.

He just

how many black guys in Japan are named George?

Probably, I would say a thousand.

Yeah.

It's really not that many.

I guess that's true.

Whatever.

Actually, is there a thousand black guys in Japan named George?

Yeah, this comes out, and in three days, he's in jail for cheating.

For cheating on a Japanese woman?

Yeah.

It's a fucking capital offense.

Adam, what have you done?

My family had to leave South Africa when the Freedlands took our village.

And I come to

come to Japan and I just tried to have a simple life as a pussy farmer.

As to start my little pussy farm and get my life back.

And what does he do?

He comes to Japan and he tells on me.

He does tattoo tat to me for cheating.

Even though I tell him the secret of the app.

The ancient African secret about a fake utilities app.

And he tattled to me.

I wasn't tattoo.

I was trying to spread the gospel of George.

He tattled.

He tattled on me to everybody.

They should have a, they should have.

Here's what phones should start doing.

Two different passcodes right one for

you know everyone to know and then one to get pussy

you don't even need a new app wait you know you can put another face on your unlock for your phone

so like your girlfriend could put her face there

you know how that you can unlock your phone with your face oh my god are you serious

My friend's girlfriend like asked him if she could that's wild.

That's crazy shit, dude.

It's scary.

Nah, that shouldn't be allowed.

It shouldn't be allowed.

Tim Cook should take a stand.

Listen, thank you, Tim Apple.

Thank you, Tim Apple.

Tim Apple.

Dude, he rules.

Did you see him tweeting about Iowa?

Did you see him try and say the word criminal the other day?

That shit was awesome.

He got it wrong?

Dude, it was incredible the way he got it wrong.

My boy Pete showed me a fucking vid.

I don't want to pull it up right now, but it's really funny.

Of Trump trying to say criminal?

Yeah, actually, maybe.

I love him.

Dude, I'm straight up voting for him.

I'm done.

Once they steal it from Bernie, I'm not sure.

They're not going to steal it, dude.

The dick is too hard.

The dick is hard.

That is true.

What's up?

You see, Trump did a his Super Bowl commercial?

Where's that black woman being like, thank you, Donald John Trump?

Yeah.

Then he got out of jail.

Yeah.

That's a good ad.

And Bloomberg's.

You want to talk about another fucking rat?

That fucking piece of shit, Bloomberg.

Adam, do you?

You like him, though, right?

There's something about him that you trust.

There's just something.

I can't touch my finger on it.

Bloomberg, Bernie Sanders.

Well, I told you.

Benjamin Netanyahu.

I told you I only support him.

That's just writing in Netanyahu.

He's the one I want.

President.

Let's get BB over here and have him win.

You're listening to the Adam Friedman Show.

BB for president.

Yeah, BB for president.

Do Ken Crush.

Yeah.

Okay, everybody, it's time you're doing an election rigging video.

I know Mayor Pete.

Who does he love?

Trump?

BB?

He liked Obama, but then he went Trump.

Okay, everybody, time to do a dick suck video.

He just likes the president, I think.

Yeah, I think he respects the office.

That's cool.

Yeah.

Respect the office, not the man.

Fuck.

I've been sleeping, dude.

I was up all night worried about my boy Bernie, dude.

Dude, I didn't sleep.

Yeah, I thought I was going to wake up this morning at 7 a.m.

and just check the shit.

Jet lag's been fucking my ass again.

It sucks.

I don't want to go to Australia now.

Oh, yeah, guys.

We're going to Australia in April.

Should we announce those dates?

There are dates that are live.

I'm going on you have to find it.

But there's I'm doing Nashville, Indianapolis, and Chicago, and then one other city.

And there's tickets for sale somewhere on the Internet.

And I don't know how to find it.

Oh, also, if you want to buy shirts, the shirts are now technically back online.

You just have to buy them directly from the print shop at cometown.merchnow dot com.

Nice.

And all of the shirts are up there.

You buy them directly from the print shop.

Oh, shit.

I'm in Providence this weekend.

Please buy tickets at the Comedy Connection 6th through the 8th.

Then I'm in Dallas the weekend after that, Valentine's Day weekend, 13th through the 15th.

Come give me a little smooch

at Hyenas in Plano.

And then

I'm at the DC Draft House the 20th through the 22nd.

Hometown.

Back home, baby.

And then I'm going to

Phoenix on March 5th and Tucson March 6th so please buy tickets to all those fucking things and then I'm in Dublin on March 29th and London the 31st of March through Sav's gonna eat the Blarney stone what's the Blarney Stone I don't know some fucking gay ass shit you have to kiss I don't want to eat the blarney stone but I do want to eat some fucking pussa dell anyway uh we are in australia in april the tickets should be live for perth and adelaide or some gay shit.

Yeah, we're coming to the dumbass West Coast.

We're going to the West Coast this week.

We're going everywhere.

Cometown.events, is that what it is?

Yeah, Cometown.events, I think.

Come town.events.

Let me check it out right now.

Josh sent us an email, but I'm trying to find it.

He did.

I just saw it too when I was looking for some other shit.

Yeah, it's Cometown.events.

Cometown.events, Perth and Adelaide.

Oh, wow.

They're all on sale.

They're all on sale.

So let's announce the dates now.

Finally.

Perth, the 9th.

Brizbrain the 11th.

Okay, great.

We're going from the far west.

Dude, I can't wait to get fucked up on that tour on pills.

Yeah, dude.

And blow all those.

I can't wait to have the worst set in the history of the

Australian.

I can't wait.

Yeah, they're not funny.

They're not.

Battle.

Like 50% of Australian comedy is like, you're not going to believe this.

I was on the way here, and they had a sign that said, if you're mentally ill, call this number.

And it's like, who's calling that number?

You know?

They're just trying to figure out observational comedy.

Yeah, no, I mean, it's always like they saw something, and then it's like, can you believe that?

There's no actual observation.

Right.

It's just look at this crazy thing.

It's wild.

Yeah.

Well, I can't even.

How would that even be?

I've got this friend Adam.

And he's gay.

He's gay.

What would you do something like that?

Can you imagine doing something like that?

Can you imagine being comedy?

He puts his penis in his mouth.

I don't know how.

And he sucks on it.

It's probably a different animal.

And then he drinks.

He drinks the comedy.

But does he drink it or eat it?

All right, so we got Perth, April 9th.

Now, he never explains what he's doing.

Brisbane, April 11th.

Because cum is what they call an amorphous solid.

You learn that in science classes.

Adelaide, just one-day turnover on April 12th.

That's going to be a fun one.

April 18th, Melbourne Live Pod.

We're going to be also doing some dates for the Comedy Festival.

Yeah, we're all doing our show.

So come see all of us do hours in Melbourne

starting on the 14th until the

17th, and then the 18th in Melbourne.

We're doing.

My hour will be done entirely in your native language of Australia.

Just digitally do noises.

Wow, wow, wow.

Get spoken to my ass.

We've done that before.

There's no way we have it.

Of course.

We did it in Australia every show.

And we will do it every show.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm gay.

I'm bowing.

I'm gay.

Our shows, our Melbourne Comedy Festival shows are all the same day going up against each other.

No, no, we're

different times.

Different times.

Probably the greatest crime in Australia is putting your dick in somebody's didgeridoo.

And then a guy goes and plays it.

Like their chieftain or whatever.

Their most respected chieftain goes and plays it, but you, as an American, you've put your cock in the end of the didgier-doo.

Absolutely.

And then there's like an international outcry.

There should be.

Yeah.

Then I'm like, what are you going to do?

Mass shoot me about it?

Oh, that's right.

You can't.

You can't.

I saw that Jim Jeffries bit.

Yeah.

It happened in Tasmania.

Okay, Melbourne, and then the next night,

no travel day.

You guys can just look it up.

On

Sydney on the 19th.

You guys can just look it up.

Melbourne the 19th century.

16th Sydney the 19th.

You can get your Australian dumbass eyes on the website.

And a lot of people have sent us messages.

Why are you touring the States?

Why?

Because we respect Australia more than

America.

Australia's on fire.

Because we've already been to the rest of the United States, and it's like, what the fuck are we going to do?

Have a good time in fucking like Kansas City?

No.

No.

The real reason is because somebody's done all the work for us.

They got that KC message.

And even that, it's like this might be the last one we go on.

Yeah, and if you want to

to be honest,

probably.

This show's probably over.

Nah, this show will continue.

The show will continue, but this.

I don't know if we're ever going back to Australia.

This tour

looks like it's going to be.

Yeah.

After this, I think all the traveling I'm going to do is alone or with my son.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm going to.

That's the other thing, too.

If you're a woman out there and you're trying to get nutted in so I can sire an air.

Now's the time to catch Nick.

Yes.

You can catch him.

Well, no, it's not that I'm vulnerable.

I don't want anything to do with you.

I just need someone to teach awful lessons to.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

So anyway, folks, come see us on probably our last tour in Australia ever.

Yes.

If you're thinking, well, I'll catch them next time.

There will absolutely not be Australia.

Yeah, we don't want to go there.

There won't be an Australia after this.

Yeah, that's true.

We're going to light it up with confidence.

I hope we stayed at that nice hotel in Brisbane again.

Bris Vegas?

Bris Vegas.

But we're only there for one day.

That's the best thing to do in life is try to recreate a vacation you went on once.

But now

the things that made it nice are gone from your life.

From your life.

It's not the first, the show you hate now.

Yeah.

There's not, you know,

it's all sort of just, yeah, trying to chase it.

The novelty's gone.

Yeah, yeah.

Novelty's gone.

If anything, and who knows, maybe it won't be as nice as you remember.

It won't be as nice as you remember.

Adam was just saying, he went to Japan, and he was complaining.

Four days in, he called me crying.

And he's like, it's not the same.

He's like, it's not the same.

rip

the first time the first time we went i felt special i was treated so nicely they dressed me up like a geisha yeah that's true now this time even being racist towards an african man isn't isn't enough isn't enough

isn't enough to make me feel better i get that man yeah

well folks that's it that's the show come see us that's the show uh good to be back with the boys it's good to be back i i i hate pre-recording episodes So it's nice to be back on the screen.

Yeah, yeah, it's nice to be back on the screen.

In real time.

This is Bethany Frankl from Just Be with Bethany Frankl.

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