Ep. 192 – Phased

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Mr.

Pussy.

Ola me a mo, Mr.

Pussy.

Tutiana.

Fuck.

Mies.

Miss Pussy.

Guacamole.

Excuse me, Mrs.

Guacamole Pussy.

I have to look up if we have ads this week.

Google Challenzio.

Google the Mr.

I have to look at

Google Challenge.

You know what's cool about this is we can just do this kind of bullshit retard comedy for like 15 years, make millions of dollars, and then be like, and now I'm a serious actor.

Oh, I can't wait.

And now I can be an uncut gems, dude.

That's what I'm trying to do.

Yeah, that's I'm trying to do the sandman technique, dude.

Yeah, I know.

Just the 35 movies where it's like, My penis is on fire.

My penis is on fire.

The penis fire boy.

Johnny Fire Penis.

Johnny Fire Penis.

God damn it, Johnny.

If you want your inheritance, you got to put that fire out.

But I like my penis, Ben.

But I want to have my dick on fire.

Oh, yeah.

I want my dick to be on fire.

Yes.

Let's see.

What do we got here?

Yes.

Blue Chew Macwell.

Dude, I remember going to see.

Martin Luther King Day.

Eh.

Eh.

Wait,

That already happens.

I know, that's what I'm saying.

But that means we already know.

That means we already passed.

We already passed.

But not that you're not showing any ideological

respect to the good Dr.

Martin Luther King,

who is now

from us.

Only because.

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

Again, all this is because of the calendar.

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

Shouts out to MLK, truly a side pussy legend.

I have a dream.

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

What if there was a guy with an air horn?

That would be good.

Doing the speech.

Yeah.

Shut up and jam.

Can you quiet down, please?

All right.

So today's the 24th.

Yes.

So Wednesday the 29th is the next episode.

That's correct.

That's what this one is.

That's what this one is.

Okay.

That's all I need to know.

It's Wednesday the 29th.

And in fact, just real quick, right now, up top, if you're in Milwaukee today, go buy tickets and see me at Turner Hall.

And then in Appleton tomorrow, Chicago this weekend, Providence, Rhode Island, 6th through the 8th, Texas, 13th through the 15th, and D.C.

20th through the 22nd.

So that's what today is.

I'm in Milwaukee right now as we speak.

Yeah, this has been recorded in the past, but right now I'm out there getting cheese curds, getting cheese curds in my fucking ass.

And just fucking enjoying a brat.

I'm missing the Bucs game.

Because it's on a Tuesday.

I also have dates.

I'm also in the Midwest.

Probably just.

Oh, yeah, with guys.

Yes, with guys, actually.

Oh, that's cool.

With Kyle Scanlon and Dan Dries.

Nice.

A couple of Chicago boys.

Oh, yeah.

Those are good boys right there.

Yeah.

Shout out to Lincoln Lodge.

We're both playing there.

We love that fucking place.

Lincoln Lodge is an okay place.

No, we're doing Nashville.

Ooh.

Milwaukee.

Dude.

Indy.

Yes.

Fucking Chicago.

Yup.

Some shit in Michigan.

I don't know.

Lansing, probably.

I have no idea, but they set it all up.

I'm not even, you know.

Go to penis.org.

Look, I'm slash Nick's gay.

I'm trying to be on the road.

I'll be quite honest with you.

You come to the Nashville show, that's the first stop.

Maybe you're getting 30 minutes out of it.

Most of it's going to be jokes from five years ago.

Salute.

But we will be doing crowd work.

I do a different style of crowd work than style.

Yes.

I do more of a psychological thing.

That's right.

It's more of like

a torture, like a psychological.

You're like a, what's the guy's interrogator?

Right, exactly.

You have, you take people's, you take fucking battery,

car batteries, you put them in people's nipples.

Me asking something and somebody not knowing how to respond because I have a weird affect.

Yes.

They don't say anything.

I'm like, no, I really want to know where you got that fucking shirt.

Tell me.

I'm not doing a joke.

It's not a joke.

Tell me where the shirt is.

Sometimes it doesn't go anywhere.

Yep.

Okay.

Moving on.

Whereas I will be asking you the last time you had sex.

When did you have sex?

Yeah.

Are you guys fucking?

Tell me, you guys.

how big is your penis it's crazy that that has been the go-to crowd work for comedians for 40 years probably since ancient greece honestly and it still works it still works honestly every time dude i like to ask how long you guys have been and then they look at each other like oh that i hate that when they're like how long you've been together and they'll say something like six years and be like married and then they'll be like oh uh oh someone's in trouble you know what i mean that's a classic easy way to get a big one yeah but it's kind of the same thing no dude.

All crowd works, the same thing.

No.

As not being a master of the craft, I understand why you think that, dude.

First of all, let's

don't be ridiculous.

If we dial back the clock a bit, back to my drinking days.

Yeah, sure.

I could do 30 minutes,

not touch the material.

That's the thing.

You've got to be back on the sauce.

You know what?

I'm going to fucking fall off the wagon, go back on the road.

Give me fucking a year, and I will.

No, yes.

Yeah.

I will be back

in

the drink.

Don't work on material.

Don't must get good at crowding.

Who gives a shit?

Comedy sucks.

I'm just trying to have a good time.

Hey, amen, brother.

Yeah.

I mean, that's literally

my life's momentum.

Look, you want somebody that works on bits?

Go see fucking Hari Kondabulu complain about, you know,

I wouldn't say him.

I don't know.

He works.

Do you think he does?

On stuff.

He's just complaining.

Doesn't he come up with points?

His grievances.

Oh, fuck.

Here's the point.

The point is, come see us.

We'll be doing this beautiful stuff for you.

I'm excited, dude.

Sounds like we're hitting some similar spots.

You're going to get cheese curds?

I don't know if I'm going to get cheese curds.

I'm going to...

I really haven't been eating that much.

Yeah.

Which is nice.

I feel like...

Pro-anna?

No, but it's easier to fucking think when I'm not eating that much.

Interesting.

I guess I get depressed and I get into like eating a shit ton.

Yeah.

And when I do that, it's harder for me to.

So you're transcending, dude.

You're on a fucking fast, right?

Yeah.

It's hard for me to.

Let's see.

How do I...

Does that sound better?

I think it sounds fine.

Yeah, when I, when I'm

when you're full, you can't think?

Yeah, you know, I mean, I guess the blood does go to your stomach, and blood is like the juice that you're brainstorming.

The juice of the brain.

The juice of the brain.

yes absolutely yeah yeah um

no it's just yeah i can't i can't fucking i can't think doing a lot of philosophy philosophizing no it's just you know thinking about like stuff i need to do i mean literal thinking i don't mean like fucking like

abstract thoughts

i mean like what the fuck you know do i am i'm gonna put the laundry away what

is i hate having to come up with what is planned for the day yeah am i gonna go do errands dude i had to go to the fucking dmv it was one of the fucking smallest dick experiences of my life, dude.

Yeah.

I was going to the one in Atlantic Terminal.

No, I went to the one in Queens.

I was thinking, well, Queens, fucking, there'll be less people there.

But it's like, no, everyone drives there.

So I should have gone into the fucking, into the city.

Yeah.

But I did see,

I saw, I had to be there for four hours, by the way, to get a fucking license.

And during it,

I saw a fucking, like a Bosnian man who had the life I wanted, dude.

Why?

Just this beautiful wife with a big nose, but she was still hot.

It was the biggest a nose could be, and her to just be straight up gorgeous.

And they had a baby that looked exactly like half and half of them.

Yeah.

And I was just sitting there, dude, in my stained fucking red tracksuit, thinking, damn, dude.

My favorite is, I was at the DMV, the black dudes that wear suits to the DMV.

It's like, you know, this is not cool.

You're not on the docket.

I mean,

Yurana, I would like a new license, please.

Oh, my name's Eric.

You don't have to call me Yurana.

Yeah, dude.

The last I went, I had to get my license renewed because it was about to expire.

Yeah.

You don't want that shit to happen because then you got to fucking, it's a pain in the ass.

Yeah.

You know?

That's what I did.

And

I was there for, I didn't go with an appointment.

And I went to the Atlantic Terminal one.

Yeah.

And I waited like two and a half hours.

Nice.

And then all of the numbers went blank.

No.

And a fucking like, an announcement comes on.

They're like,

a whole system down.

The statewide, there is a statewide, the system is down.

We don't know when it's going to work again.

Goodbye.

They just start playing music.

They're dancing in the back.

Well, I like fucking everybody who was there was like, well,

I'm going to kill myself if I leave.

100%.

Because there's no way.

There's no way you can wait.

At the DMV.

Yeah.

And then you get close to getting your number called.

And then they tell you there's a statewide.

Statewide.

The computers are down from the state, yeah.

And then it took another hour before they came back online and respect, and they did, and then it was another like 40 minutes of waiting.

I was there all day, yeah, you know, brutal, and they don't let you go back in.

No, you can go back in because I left and I like went to the bathroom.

I also got to the fucking, I got up front, and I had like

I had my birth certificate, my social security card, my passport, my passport card, my old ID, like fucking like a a a a sealed transcript.

And they were like, getting sucked off university.

Yeah, and they were like, oh, nah, nah, nah, you this isn't.

I was like, what the fuck else do you need?

Yeah, what what could it possibly have been?

Like a blood sample?

I really don't fucking.

We need some of your mother's pussy juice and your father's balls hairs.

Yeah, no.

I had to go into the I had to go to like the insurance place next door door and print out

a bill from Optimum.

Hilarious.

Because

that's more proof.

Yeah.

Yeah, my boy Mark with two C's was very gay and very mad to be working when I got there.

Everyone I dealt with was cool.

Because

I finally got up to the thing and I handed the woman everything.

She's like, okay, this is all good.

There's only one thing you're missing.

And I was like,

what am I missing?

And she's like, the form for the renewal.

And it's like the one thing that you need, which is, and I was like, okay, well, don't they hand you the stuff when you go up and she's like yeah they're supposed to i'm like well nobody did that yeah and then

you know she calls the supervisor over and the supervisor is like can't you just give him here it is yeah

damn if they put your ass in the back of that line right because they know like if

the dmv has to know now with how fucking shitty that process is if they were like i'm sorry you got to leave and come back like there would have been a mass shooting 100%.

Yeah.

It's shocking to me that there hasn't been one.

I know.

Well, a lot of that stuff kind of is weird because mass shootings now are all like political.

You know, it's like, I'm, I'm in other kin and people made fun of me, so now I'm going to do this shooting so everyone knows about my community on the internet.

Right.

And what's other kin?

I like people to think they're dragons.

Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Do they think, do they want to be in a dragon's body?

Yeah, they they see themselves as dragons.

Like the same way that you're like, I'm not a man, I'm a woman.

I'm a dragon.

Fuck yeah, but dragons aren't real.

Some would say that it's very offensive to say that.

Some would say that that is.

A dragon has never existed.

That is otherphobic.

Do they have do now these dragons do they are they ma male dragons or woman dragons?

I think the dragons have two genders only.

Only two.

Oh, so okay.

Kind of a blind spot in the dragon.

So I'm being offensive, but there can't be trans dragon's.

You know, it's funny.

There are, like, they do have, like, trans identities in that.

And it's like, wouldn't you just be the correct dragon?

Why would you be a dragon that's born with the wrong gender and then switch?

Yeah.

No, what I

swap to dragon and then you swap together.

I'm swipping for dragon, but I'm making the wrong choice first on purpose.

Yeah.

So that the dragon is.

You can have a cool name.

A cool dragon girl's name.

Yeah.

Like Esmeralda.

It's so great, too, that a person like like that could, like, say all these things to, like, their college advisor, and if the college advisor didn't listen to it, they would go to jail.

Sorry.

Sorry, Mark.

I don't know what a college advisor is, either.

I don't know.

I'm not sure.

That's what it is.

Yeah, that's what it's called.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Like, that's got like Moscow 1970 Olympics vibes that tracks you.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah.

It's my it's a Adidas Boz with an Olympiakos Football Club top.

Yeah.

My favorite, my favorite Greek soccer team.

What was I talking about?

Something about dragons having pussies.

Yeah, so

yeah, it's all, but at the shootings, when we were growing up, it used to be like

your boss.

Yeah, it was the original ones where your

work shoots, dudes.

Disgruntled employees.

Yeah, those used to happen all the time.

It was some white-collar guy that's like, oh, I'm not getting my bonus this shooting.

Oh, a black woman is going to be my boss now.

Yeah, and the original one was a postal worker, right?

Going postal is what it's called.

Yeah.

It used to be.

Yeah.

And it was some mailman who shot up a bunch of people, right?

It would be cool if there was a surfer who's like, I'm going coastal, dude.

I'm going coastal, bro.

I'm going to go fucking shoot up an elementary school, bro.

Going coastal.

Are there any schools right by the beach so a guy could surf and shoot a gun inside?

Yeah.

No, it was Adam went to a surfing elementary school.

Yeah, he did.

Yeah.

it was a surfing elementary school for child actors.

It's so funny that he says that.

He's like, I was actually a child actor and a model.

And it's like, did you book anything?

And he's like, no.

Does he say that?

Doesn't he say that his parents made him go to auditions or something?

Yeah, they did.

But, you know, it's like, first of all, there's no way he didn't want to do that.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

But, no, he said, and he says it like...

ironically, you know, like, oh,

a child actor or whatever, but it's like, well, you weren't.

Sure.

Even saying it dismissively and ironically, you weren't that.

That's right.

Yeah.

You would have gotten molested if you were.

Yeah, I wish he had.

What do you think would happen to Adam if he got molested?

I don't know, like fucking pink fingernail paint.

Do you think he'd be one of those?

And then smoking cloves.

Oh, no.

And then like, like a like a like four locks.

And

he's always flipping his hair out of his face.

No, I see.

If anything, I think that he is pretty gay already.

So he would have gone like no.

No, that would have been traditional Jewish.

And

he would be part of that Brooklyn art comic scene.

You think, see, I think if he had gotten molested, he would have loved Hillary Clinton.

Hilarious.

Yep, probably.

Because my dad loves her.

And I love my daddy.

No, I would think he would go into business and molest children.

Because, like, you know, he's rebelling now.

If he'd gotten molested, maybe it would have set him straight, made him a lawyer.

Yeah.

Works in Hollywood.

Oh, yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

You've reached Adam Friedland, Entertainment Attorney.

It's like, Adam, your voice is different.

This is how you talk if you get molested as a Jew.

It's a molestation, boys.

I was molested.

Who knows?

Maybe he did.

He said he saw his friend's penis or whatever.

Yeah.

What were we talking about before that?

No, my body is fucking breaking down, dude.

Yeah.

I've had a stomachache for three days, and I don't know from what?

From doing yoga, maybe?

You think that's what it is?

Yeah, it's from being healthy.

It's definitely from making the right choices.

You think it's from one and a half weeks of living healthy?

My body My body's rebelling.

Yeah.

And I should do pills and eat fucking ice cream.

Somebody said that the mic might be a phase problem.

Hmm.

Phase.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

Phase issue

in mix.

Phase issue.

Phase this dick out and into an ass cheek.

Phase issue.

My penis.

I'm going through a phase where I'd like to see my own penis.

I can't wait to see a penis.

I want to look at it.

My penis is in my jeans.

I wanted to look at it.

Dude, I started re-watching The Master last night, which I haven't seen since I saw it in theaters.

And it's so fucking good.

Damn.

Yeah.

I haven't seen it once.

I mean, I liked it in theaters, but I don't know.

Like, the second time around, it's just fucking...

That's when Joaquin is being all...

like a weirdo?

Yeah, Joaquin, but then also Philip Seymour Hoffman, and he's amazing in it.

Yep.

And then, yeah, I mean, it's just, it's so good.

I haven't been able to enjoy any art recently.

Yeah, I re-watch the master if you haven't seen it.

I mean, it's just like fucking, and like the photography is beautiful.

Maybe I didn't see it in theaters.

Maybe I saw it on like a laptop or something, but like watching it on this motherfucker, it's like just at like every shot, every scene.

It's just, yeah.

Or maybe I'm, you know, alone.

You're alone and you're just craving any kind of connection to anything.

Yes.

I'm alone in my apartment watching the master, being like, wow, this is just looking over.

Oh.

Hey.

Watch.

Oh.

Hmm.

No big deal.

I see.

I just love the movie.

Just whistling for the cat.

That's right.

The cat's gone, too.

That's okay.

Oh, whoopsie, Daisy.

That's why you got to get it.

I guess I'll just turn the volume all the way.

Let's just get it going real loud in here.

What a good movie.

This movie rocks.

I love love this movie.

Yes.

Movie.

Movie.

Never being alone with my own thoughts.

Never being alone with my thoughts.

Let's watch another one right after this one's over.

Looks like I had two movies going at the same time.

Maybe two movies.

Steely Dan, some pornography.

I'm going to isolate Adam's audio tracks from the last podcast and listen to them now.

Because I didn't pay attention when he was talking.

I'd be like, I'm hanging out with a friend.

You put on Come Town?

Yeah, I put on Tom Town.

I'm playing Adam's audio, plug a mic into the board, and I sit here with the headphones on with Adam on playback and me going, uh, no, stupid.

Yeah, you would think that.

Fucking idiot.

Yeah, you've edited together a hundred times.

Adam's been wrong.

And now to watch The Master.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, dude, that's why you got to get roommates.

Go on a dyke, you fat bitch.

Because you're never alone, dude.

You go out, you see what your boys are up to.

I used to have roommates.

Yeah.

It's nice.

But I also did a lot of, you know,

the best thing that, well, not the best thing, but I miss having like roommates that I just didn't know at all.

You know, where you did, there's like another.

Because women are fucking retarded.

Women will find three other women on Craigslist and they'll live together.

And within two weeks, they're like, I love us.

Yeah.

They're going on vacation.

They're going on vacation.

They're leaving notes on the refrigerator.

They're gorgeous.

Sleeping in the same bed together.

Like, fucking sleepover.

And it's like, you're 28 years old.

What are you fucking doing?

That's right.

Whereas, like, you can live, two men can live together, and you'll be like, yeah, I think his name's Ronnie.

I think, yeah, he works at like fucking.

Yeah, I think his fucking dad just died or something.

His dad died or something, and he's like, really.

His room is a mattress, a fucking like the kind of boom box they sell to Mexican people at Best Buy,

and six copies of High Times magazine.

And I've only had one conversation with him, and he explained to me what the dark carnival was in relation to Insane Clown Possum.

And that's it.

That's all I know about Ronnie.

Yeah, it's probably my best roommate I've ever had.

Yeah, he's a pretty cool guy.

He's pretty good about making sure that toilet paper we we've reached an equilibrium with who buys toilet paper and when.

That's nice.

And that's what I dig about, Ronnie.

See, I've always had my boy.

I've never lived with a stranger.

Really?

It's always been...

I lived with George and my boy Doug after college in a little house we called Muff Manor.

Yeah.

Where no one was getting pussy.

Where me and George had girlfriends.

And Doug was getting absolutely no pussy whatsoever.

Wait, that was...

Were we hanging out then?

Probably

right when I started.

Right before I moved back home, that's where I lived.

Catensville.

Do you ever go to Catensville house?

No, you came to Charles Village house.

Yes.

With George and Josh.

I'm trying to remember what the day was because my timelines are all fucked up.

It's like I confuse that day we went to that awful Indian Buffet with the day we went to the Amish market.

Two different days.

I know there were two different days, but I don't remember when Indian Buffet was way before.

Yeah.

I believe.

Yeah.

Because I think.

Did I already live in New York when we went to the Amish Market?

I lived in New York before you did.

I know that.

Yeah.

I don't think you, anyway, whatever.

It doesn't matter.

But I do remember sitting in that Charles Village house.

Charles Village House, I love.

Watching that Sam Hyde video.

Yes.

He goes, ooh, I'm a loud sister.

I'm a loud type of sister.

And that was when you showed me the fucking

guy who's the Lambrusco wine video.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, it was, I was like showing you Sam Hot.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, and then we got some Indian food.

That house I loved.

I got pussy in that house.

Dude, that Indian buffet was so funny because, like, the buffet Obu, I paid for the buffet, and then the guy was like, the buffet is not close.

It's like, motherfucker, I paid for it.

You can't close.

I get one plate, and you're like, oh, no more buffet.

Oh, yeah.

Fucking piece of shit.

I got half a mind to go back down there and beat that man to death.

You want to, dude?

In front of his family.

I remember.

I think I remember which buffet it was.

Yeah, it was by Johns Hopkins.

Yeah, it was in Mount Vernon.

Yeah.

It was the one all the way in city motherfuckers would go to all the time.

What were we talking about before this, though?

This tangent?

Roommates.

Oh, roommates.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was like, you ever have a friend, like one of your boys, they'll have a party, and then it's like everyone you know, and then just like the weird roommate, your friend.

who's just like standing around drinking.

Absolutely, yeah, yes.

And he just like, you know, maybe he'll be in charge of the music for a minute,

absolutely, and just blowing it.

Yeah, right.

It's like, yeah, I don't think people want to be listening to Primus at the party, man.

Maybe there's something else you could put on.

We're not really in the mood for Primus right now.

Hell yeah, dude.

My name is Mud.

Or they start playing like prank calls.

They start playing like the jerky boys.

Yeah.

Like way too early.

It's like, maybe at 3 a.m.

when all the women have gone and we're just eating pizzas and smoking weed.

Those roommates always have just

the chin goatee too?

Oh, yeah.

Only the chin.

Mm-hmm.

You know?

Absolutely.

That look.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Ah, fuck.

I love the nice random.

That would happen in college because everyone would have like all these weird off-campus houses.

Yeah.

And there'd be like, there were these guys who just stayed in Catonsville.

Yeah.

And they were like 30 years old throwing parties.

Yeah.

No, my friend, my friend lived in, he went to Towson, but he went to Towson after like

a decade in community college.

Yeah, hell yeah.

I think he's one of those guys.

There's a lot of guys that'll like in Maryland that will go to like Frostburg or something or Salisbury.

Yeah.

Fail out their first semester.

Yes, sir.

But get it so fucked up.

Get it, just really fucked up.

Like just blow it.

End up in community college for seven years.

Yes.

And then transfer to like Towsend.

Towsend or UMBC.

Yeah, to finally get the degree in sports education.

At 29 years old.

At 29 years old.

Graduate with a 2.2, 29 years old,

trying to be not, somehow getting rejected for a job in Baltimore City as a teacher.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Respect.

My friend was doing that move for a while.

And the roommates were all cool, but it was just like, you know, all right, you're like bucking up against the limit for how long you can pretend to be 20 years old.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah.

It's brutal.

No more like gnome felt posters.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

Everyone in your graduating class has children.

Yeah.

Yeah, you really got to.

You're out here like, damn, dude.

You got to stop wearing tie-dye, man.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Wearing tie-dye when you're balding.

Yeah.

You got to cut it out, man.

I know you're enjoying life.

Yeah.

But you're supposed to get older.

And not just tie-dye, tie-dye, you made.

Yeah.

You're like, I'm getting really good at making tie-dye.

Yeah.

You got a Puka Shell necklace on, man.

It's 2015.

It can't happen, brother.

You gotta, you gotta.

You gotta make moves.

Yeah.

I wonder what those motherfuckers are doing these days.

Enjoying themselves.

They're still doing that and they're happy.

There was a guy when I started comedy who was one of the, like, everyone I knew when I started comedy was like much older than me.

They were late 20s, early 30s.

But there was a guy that would come around that was clearly one of those.

yeah, who was like, you know, just a guy that would like hung out, hung out and fuck girls and got drunk,

like wearing like visors and stuff.

But then he just kept getting older, and it's like, is this ever going to stop for you?

Are you going to like ever have a job or anything?

Nah, dude.

Absolutely not.

Yeah, we're going to get a couple of girls over and fucking clear the ping-pong table up.

Just play beer pong.

Dude, a 30-year-old man who's like, house rules, bro.

Yeah.

Who's got like a list of rules for beer pong.

Who plays it is bad enough, but who's like, elbows.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're gay, unlike me.

Ah, fuck.

Maybe that's the secret, dude.

Move back to Baltimore.

Have a party house.

That sounds awful.

I know.

I'm done.

I'm done getting fucked up.

I'm gonna maybe maybe I should get a wife.

Maybe I should get married.

If you're listening and you want to be my wife, maybe you have some property, maybe a little farmhouse we can settle down into.

And you're, you know,

you can get some dick on the side.

I can get some pussy on the side.

But more importantly, that's only for special occasions.

More importantly, we're going to have beautiful fat children and we're going to feed them

a traditional Greek diet, a Mediterranean diet.

Yeah.

Fuck, dude.

Life is is fucking gay.

Yeah.

I'm excited to go on the road, but

my body's abandoned me.

I thought I was going to be strong by now.

Yeah.

I did two weeks of yoga, and

it's no good.

I'm done.

I'm trying to.

I just want to have my body removed.

Yes.

You know?

Of course.

Replaced with

a supercomputer.

Why is it?

It still sounds.

I can't get rid of it.

Don't worry about the sound.

I am worried about it.

That's worse.

I know it's worse.

Now it's buzzing like a bitch.

I want to be buzzed.

Now you sound horrible.

Now I sound cool.

Actually, you sound kind of tight.

I sound tight.

You know what I'm saying, man?

We doing tight-ass sounds.

We doing it live.

Damn, can I get some of that?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Here.

There you go.

Hold on.

Let me see.

Do I sound cool now too?

Yeah, damn, I sound like meatloaf, meatwalled.

I sound like meat robbers.

I'm meatwild also.

Now you're listening to the meat rob pop.

You listening to two meatwalls having sex.

You listening to two meatwise trying to bust their mouths.

Trying to get, I trying to get, you know what I'll tell you?

You're a fry like.

What's that, mewad?

I'm also fry like, but I'm meatwide.

You know what?

They got a damn equipment, a sperm and equipment that stand turned fry like into meatwide also.

If I say the n-word is meatwild, is that still racist?

No, because you fry-like and he's black.

Oh, that's true.

You know he's black because he worked at McDonald's.

I don't know if that's necessarily true.

You know what?

It doesn't matter.

Either Frylock is black or he's Jewish.

Because Frylock is a Jewish name.

I don't think Frylock be a Jewish name.

I think you're rhyming it with something that's kind of a derogatory term.

He kind of got that Avery Brooks vibe about him, but he also worked at McDonald's.

And you know who be working at McDonald's?

I tell you, who can't be saying Edward is Master Shake because he's a white supremacist.

Damn, that's fucking true.

It's true.

That's fucking true as fuck.

It's true, dude.

Damn.

Okay.

I got some dulcet tones going on.

Okay.

Does anyone want to.

Does anybody want to see my penis?

Does anyone want to suck my ass?

Hello, and welcome to the Giving Me Your Pussy show.

Give me your pussy show.

I would like a piece of it.

Oh, oh, oh.

It's the Give Me Your Pussy Show.

Sybil, give me a motherfucking pussy show.

Let me see that motherfucking pussy.

Sybil, bring your motherfucking pussy over here and let me suck on it.

Damn.

Yeah.

Tom joined a morning show going out of business.

R.I.P.

Yeah.

How about that?

should we have our own morning radio show man uh doing what i would love to honestly dude if this was if we had a daily schedule where we were in in the studio yeah fucking 7 a.m to 10 a.m

and then that's it you know we just check out

that'd be great 7 a.m and what about 8 30 to 912 so barely a show

i don't think you realize how long

no i don't i i respect that that's so much fucking work yeah that's like Jim and Sam.

I mean, they make a shit ton of money, but it's like they're just on air all

the time.

Yeah.

You know, we do two hours of show a week.

And I'm like, barely bring it across the market.

I'm like, I'm tired.

I'm fucking tired, dude.

Nah, dude, but what if we had producers?

What if we had Blue Chew?

We had porn stars.

What if we had Blue Chew?

And what if we had Blue Chew.com?

Which we do.

Which we do.

Which you do also.

You do too.

You do too.

God damn.

Oh, Oh my god.

I can't wait to take a blue shoe to have to fuck my wife so she doesn't call the police on me for doing gay.

I've got it in the Constitution of Iran.

It's a new website that is not blocked by the government of Iran.

It is bluechew.com.

And

as you know,

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with homosexuality, which I do not have.

But because I have the Blue Chew.

Because I have Blue Chew, which lets me fuck my wife, and maybe my penis is still hard after.

So my friend

Mersham comes over to suck it a bit more.

And I also am sucking a lot of

son because I didn't want to be rude.

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Because we are good friends and we hold hands and I suck his penis.

That's right.

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Well, or straight sex for that matter.

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And so you have to take your shirt off to not get sweaty in your shirt.

And then

you hold each other to make sure the pipes the pipes are

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He has to make sure that you stay straight so he puts his penis into your ass while you hold the pipes.

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Well, I'm talking one.

Yeah, one

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I don't understand that.

What's the premise here that, like, you want to keep fucking after you bust, but your dick doesn't work?

Yeah.

No.

Once I bust, the bitch.

Say, bitch, sister.

Listen, maybe I get a good night's rest.

Okay, we'll fuck in the morning.

Or how about this?

Sometimes because my foreskin's fucked up and Blue Chew makes my dick so hard and sometimes if the pussy's very tight, it'll hurt.

So I do technically go rounds because I don't bust because I fuck till my foreskin hurts.

And then I'm like, can I get a little breather?

Yeah.

So in that sense, yes, I have gone rounds.

Yeah.

But if I bust,

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My wife, I come home and I burp cum in her face and she say to me, Have you been drinking calm again?

And I said, Do not say such a thing.

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If the police told you last time, write it down and then ask me,

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The punishment for me being gay is you get raped and thrown in jail.

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and so they have to rep her to check to double check and they but then if they rape and they say it's a good pussy then they have to have they have sex with me they have then the cup the police and I will all have gay sex with each other

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And then they take me to the royal palace and I have sex with the entire government of Iran.

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Ain't nothing like a fucking hard ass medical dick, brother.

Girl, my pussy feels like

girl.

I was taking this

earlier and I slipped and I got a bunch of

in my pussy.

You slipped.

I slipped, and the sh went out of my

and into my pussy.

So we're not bleeping pussy, huh?

No, that one's okay.

Okay, but according to standards and practices, yeah,

standards and practices said that's fine.

You're watching the pussy sister.

The sh sh the the pussy sister.

The sh

pussy sister.

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that's right.

Sister, sister.

One of them's small, and the other one's got no pussy.

Santa.

Sansa.

Sester.

Sester.

Never knew how much she was in a pussy.

Never knew how much

something.

Sister's got in a pussy.

Innit pussy.

One of them has a gay father.

The other one's mother is Jack A.

Yeah, she's just dumb as shit.

I would have fucked Jack A.

Yeah, but the premise here.

What a horny ass.

The smart one's got a dumbass mom, and the dumb one's got a rich, smart.

Gay dad.

Yeah, it's a rich, smart dad.

That's true.

Yeah, who's that on that show?

Fucking Barack Obama?

Is that who he plays?

Yep.

Is that who that's supposed to be?

That's Obama.

Is that who that's going to be?

Is it going to be Barack Obama?

That's true.

Have you seen this fucking

Steve Corell movie coming out?

Dude, that looks like the biggest piece of dog shit.

Yeah.

First of all,

who's the audience for that?

I really don't know.

Like, people that don't exist anymore.

Yeah.

Literally, like, I guess Warren support Buttage Edge supporters.

Yeah.

Is that who?

Yeah, people that are like, I'm a leftist and Warren is the good candidate.

That's who is

the fucking

fucking Steve Corrow.

It's going to be great when Bernie Sanders wins and becomes president.

It will be great.

And then he gets the nomination, beats, and then he's like, I was kidding.

We're giving everything to Israel.

Or he's like, I just want to make it clear that a woman could never have done this.

Just women online.

She's a queen Hillary.

This was only possible because of the men and hot bitches that volunteered on this campaign.

No fat bitches.

She ruined her.

Hillary was supposed.

Hers.

It belongs to her.

She's supposed to have it.

Shut up, bitch.

Shut the fuck up, bitch.

Shut up, bitch.

Don't want to die, you fat bitch.

Sorry, guys.

I meant to do do the guitar riff, but I don't know the buttons as well as Nick.

Shut up, bitch.

Bernie 2020.

No fat bitches allowed.

Dude, I would love it.

I would honestly love it.

The best thing that could happen, honestly, the best outcome, Bernie wins, you know, whatever.

However long you need Bernie to get fucking health care.

Yes.

And then immediately after that, black woman Republican president.

I would like that.

And it's like,

hopefully she doesn't fuck up, you know, that stuff.

But you got a black woman president, which is a huge milestone that makes it now there's no longer any necessity for there to be a white woman president.

Yes.

Never.

And we never get one.

And never have one.

That would be fun.

It just never happens.

Then it's AOC gets it.

You can't ever make an argument that there needs to be a white woman president.

If you already skip that and you go black woman president, you can never, because then you're just saying there needs to be a white president.

Yes, dude.

Genius.

Yeah.

Dude, the chess master.

It doesn't even really have to be Republican.

It's just, it would be fun.

It would be funny.

It would be funny

If the Democrats never managed to do it, yes.

And there was just a black woman the Republicans liked that's like, you know.

Yeah.

I just don't think I love oil.

Yeah.

It's black.

It's beautiful.

Beautiful black oil shouldn't be.

I call it sister oil.

You know, not big, not big energy.

Yes.

Enron is my sister.

B-pole or BP is, yeah.

Sister Exxon.

Yes.

Sister Exxon.

Exonia.

Yeah, it's renamed Exonia.

Exxonia, yeah.

That would be so good, dude.

Yep.

Then we get, then we get AOC.

Then we get Back to the Fellas, Back to the White Boys.

And we switch off every four years, never having it be a white woman.

Yeah, no, that would be, that's the dream.

is that you have every type of

and white women continue to run on the like, it's time for, and you're like, say it.

What is it time for?

Yeah, what is it, white lady?

What's the time for?

I don't get it.

A woman.

Well,

all kinds of women should get a chance.

There's all every type of woman should get a chance.

Not just that.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I got a little worked up.

And it would would drive them insane because they wouldn't be able to say anything.

I know, but

they'd be thinking it every day of their fucking lives.

We're happy for her.

It makes me so happy to see

a woman.

I just love...

Yeah.

When girl, because

little girls will be able to.

Yeah.

I will gladly support any black woman that runs on the fuck white women.

Any fight.

She would be.

Yeah.

You want to rally support

from everyone?

WOC running on the fuck white women ticket?

Oh, yeah.

I'm behind you 1 million percent.

Yes, Queen.

Literally, yes, Queen.

Yes.

You get a bunch of fucking rednecks who are like, yeah, fuck my wife.

My wife doesn't give me head anymore.

She's a a bitch.

She's a pig bitch.

Woo, we're with you, sister.

We love you.

It's just whoopee.

Yeah.

Damn, dude.

Damn, everyone's mad at Bernie for being like Rogan,

being excited.

Rogan fucking said he might vote for him.

And I just want to say,

I will officially now, I will also officially endorse Bernie Sanders.

Yeah.

I love that, dude.

Because of of all the, there's all this dumb shit that people make up as to be issues on Twitter do not exist outside of their website.

No, not at all.

But the Joe Rogan Bernie Sanders endorsement might be the one that takes the cake.

It's unbelievable.

Any way you look at it, it's good.

Well, not only do you look at it, it's good.

It's like there's no way anyone outside of Twitter could possibly fucking care.

It's not like they're going to be on CNN saying, is it bad that Joe Rogan endorsed Bernie Sanders?

But they have a body language expert, but nobody's going to fucking give a shit about Joe Rogan endorsing Bernie Sanders.

It doesn't matter.

Well, because if they do, if traditional media makes it a story, then they basically are admitting this guy is bigger than us.

Exactly.

So they will never cover it.

Yeah.

And it is very nice, too, that all of these people that were, you know, like, I guess we'll call them antifa-style comedians, bitching about Joe Rogan or whatever, but how he gives a platform to Nazis.

By endorsing Bernie Sanders, he's effectively done more good for progressivism than you ever will in your entire fucking career as a fucking speak-em-up shithead.

Right.

Ever.

Absolutely.

Ever.

Yeah.

So

he is now more of a fucking net positive than you ever will be.

For sure.

Shouts out to Fear Factor.

And very much similar to the fucking, you know, no white lady president thing.

It's like, I love it.

I love that it just drives them insane.

Yeah.

And they have to know that.

Shout out to Rogano.

Yeah.

Joey Rogues.

Joey Roggiano.

Joan.

Yeah, that's what you guys don't know.

She's Italian.

He's from Paisan.

Isn't he, though?

No, he said that his cousin is the guy from My Chemical Romance.

What the fuck?

Gerard Way.

What does that mean, though?

That guy's not Italian.

Yeah, but I mean, it's his cousin.

Well.

You couldn't have a cousin and not, like, you know.

You share some DNA with him.

You share some DNA, but let's say you're fucking black, right?

Yeah.

So you got your mom is black, and your mom's got a brother that's black, and that guy marries a fucking Italian bitch, and then that kid is like fucking

Italian.

That's my point, exactly.

No, they're Italian.

That's exactly my point.

No, no.

That you're black, and the kid's Italian.

He's black and Italian.

Well, Italians are already half black.

That's true.

That is true.

So he's three-quarters black.

That just makes him more Italian.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah, it doesn't make him more black.

You would think it would, but it doesn't.

Yeah.

It just makes it brings out the Italianness and

the Italianality.

Italianality.

Do Italians think they're not white?

They don't, right?

A couple people.

Haven't some people been like, well, look, Nancy Pelosi's a fucking W-O-C

because she's fucking Italian.

Nancy.

Didn't they say that?

Nancy Pillow Cheeks.

Nancy Butt cheeks.

Nancy Butt cheeks.

I fucking hope Trump starts calling Merpete Meripete butt cheeks.

Butchy cheeks.

You got little Petey butt cheeks over here.

And what's he doing with his butt cheeks?

I'm not going to say.

We're not going to say it, but little peaty butt cheeks.

You know how he got that name, right?

In the army, they called him that because that's where he hit all the WMDs.

This is what I heard.

This is just what I heard.

He would go around the rack and he would shove canisters of sarin gas up his ass.

And he sucked them all up in there.

And when the inspectors came by, they say, where are the WMDs?

Where are they?

We haven't seen any of them.

All these beautiful weapons we keep hearing about.

And they were all shoved up Petey Buttcheeks' ass.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck Pete Butt Cheeks, man.

Pete Butt Cheeks, dude.

I love that he had a please clap moment, too.

He did, dude.

That was awesome.

He's like, come on.

Come on.

Yeah.

Fuck off, you little fucking nerd.

Yeah.

I'm about to fight Pete Buttcheeks, dude.

Pete Butt Cheeks.

Square up, Pete Buttcheeks.

I don't care.

You're in the army, dude.

It's crazy.

It's like, he is, you know, a lot of politicians are just sort of like seething,

but nobody liked that guy.

Oh, yeah.

How angry he is.

Oh, yeah.

Absolutely.

And it was weird because everybody said like Amy was the angry one, and I guess she did physically abuse staff members.

Yeah.

But she doesn't.

She's fine.

Like, she's just.

I don't really.

She just reminds me of an intense old bitch.

Yeah, she's not.

When I worked a day job, you would get those type of women constantly.

Like middle manager-ass type motherfuckers.

Yeah.

That are just intense as fuck.

And I do think she probably abused people.

Yeah, I'm sure.

But you know what?

It's all, I think that's out in the open.

With Pete, it's like pretending you're

a chill bloke.

Dude, how angry he is in that New York Times editorial board vid is nuts.

I know.

He's like the idea that

he's like, that's bullshit.

Yeah.

He's the guy where it's like, because, you know, Hillary's as angry as he is.

For sure.

And is entitled.

Yeah.

And it's like, you know, Mayor Pete could have people killed.

You think?

If he was in that, you know, you make that guy president.

Oh, yeah.

If you make him president.

Think like a post-presidency Pete Buddage.

Oh, he's definitely having president.

And

how many people he's having killed constantly?

For sure.

Yeah.

That would, it would feel cool to be able to have people killed.

No, it wouldn't.

It would feel bad, dude.

You'd feel bad afterwards.

I would feel like Michael Corleone at the baptism.

Nah.

Because it's like you're not in a position.

Like, mob guys can kill other mob guys because they're all in the thing.

Right.

They're in the thing of ours.

They understand what the rules are.

The beautiful rules of the mock.

If you were just having people that had wronged you killed, that's not fair.

Maybe.

How bad have they wronged me?

I don't know.

I mean, a lot of people have wronged you.

Not that many.

The guys at the Hershey's?

Yeah.

For not honoring my all-you-you-can-eat, all-you-can-drink liquid chocolate coupon that I made myself.

Yeah, sir.

This is not even close to.

We don't sell liquid chocolate.

It would be too hot.

Where are you?

I don't understand where this is taking place.

At the factory!

Yeah.

The factory is in Colombia.

Colombia.

Yeah, well, I took a little trip.

Oh, I can't wait to go back to Colombia.

I took a little trip down under to Colombia.

We are going back to fucking.

Should we ever plug the Australia dates?

No.

Yeah, that's true.

Fuck it.

Let's just go eat some fucking kangaroo.

Dude, I cannot wait to go back to Salactites.

I can't wait either.

Let's go on a little Greek tour.

Yeah.

I want to go to Jimmy's Diner.

People say that place is good as fuck, too.

Where is that?

Also in Melbourne.

I'm going back to Salactites.

Hmm, what else?

What else is on the docket for Melbourne?

Is that shit going to be burnt?

How fucked up is Australia?

Where are we going right now?

Nick, do you know how bad it's going to be fucked up?

I'm trying to.

Are you reading about the audio some more?

No, I was reading about Columbia.

I was thinking about maybe I'll go to Columbia on vacation.

I should go to South America, dude.

I haven't I've never been.

I've never been either.

I'm not that interested.

I want to go to Mexico City.

It seems cool.

Why?

Why aren't you interested?

I don't know.

There's a lot of history.

I guess that's true.

Yeah.

I guess I would like to go see some temples and shit.

Yeah.

I might do that.

And some fat-assed women.

I want to here's what I want to do Istanbul.

I'm going to do Rome.

Okay.

Um,

I want to do

that's it.

Those are the two.

That

maybe there's somebody, someplace cooler in that region of the world, Istanbul and Rome.

Dave and Busters?

No.

Chuck E.

Cheese?

No.

Somewhere with a lot of history, maybe with a kind of history.

Throat doctor?

What do you think?

Go to ENT.

Dude, if you go to Istanbul and Rome and you don't go to Greece, I'm going to be pissed.

Yeah.

Greece is beautiful.

It is beautiful.

It's just like

it seems more important to go to Istanbul.

Why Istanbul, man?

Because the two empires, dude.

Yeah.

The two capitals.

We were the first empire.

No.

Alexander.

Don't forget that motherfucker.

No, no.

No one cares about that.

He was fucking gay and he fucked.

Yeah.

And he fucked guys and girls and shit.

And elephants.

He went to India for Christ's sake.

He can take a hike.

I want to go to India, too.

India seems kind of cool.

Yeah, India would be fucking awesome.

Yeah.

Doing the voice.

No one's getting mad.

Looking at a piece of paper, and I've written stuff down in English, and I'm like, do you know where the bathroom is?

Everyone's like,

yep.

Flipping your addiction.

How do you have the hour, please?

Do you hover the hour

time, please?

It's like a fanny pain.

Yep.

Just in a fucking button down, short sleeve button down.

Yeah.

Tucked into some khakis.

Yeah, a camera around my neck.

Excuse me.

Sorry, one second.

Let me just look this up.

Sorry, one more.

Do you know where there is a restaurant?

Did I say, was that okay?

Was that right?

Did I say it right?

Yeah, you turned to your Indian friend.

Was that my pronunciation okay?

Did I say it correctly?

Dude, fuck it.

So So they pulled a poo from The Simpsons, and there's like a whole, there's a bunch of Twitter threads.

And some girl was like, How about instead of getting rid of Pooh, they can now have a Pooh voiced by a South Asian actor that doesn't speak with accented, you know, English.

And Homer, he explains to Homer that he was just talking that way because it's what white people wanted, but he's not doing it anymore.

And Homer is shocked at all of the unintentional harm he's caused to Pooh, but he gets over it.

What?

And I was like, wow, that sounds like such a good idea.

That sounds very funny.

Let's go.

Number one sounds very funny.

That sounds like a whole plot for an entire episode.

You definitely understand story structure

and what happens in a story.

Also, completely disregarding the whole point of Homer as a character.

Yeah.

Homer's shocked

and understands it.

That's the point of Homer.

That's the only thing that intentional harm

to Pooh.

It's also, I love that.

Also, what kind of sociopath is out Pooh?

Yeah.

Talking fake for 20 years?

For 40 years.

I love that idea that that's what's happening in every

white men.

In every 7-Eleven I've ever been in my life.

That Bangladeshi guy's like,

and then he goes home.

He's like, these fucking crackers.

All I'm trying to do is sell a Slurpee.

Trying to make an honest living.

And

they refuse to buy it unless I talk about it.

Unless I talk like that.

Yeah, then her follow-up tweet is like, I'm available if you want to hire me.

I am a writer.

Oh, I'm sure you're a very good-ass writer.

That sounds how funny it would be to hire that.

And you know what?

It's like that, that does work now.

Yeah, no, she probably has the job.

There's some fucking moron showrunner that's like, they're right.

We do need more

spicy voices.

Yeah.

We need some more spicy voices up in here.

Damn.

Fuck, dude.

Is poor Hank Azari going to be okay?

What are you doing?

Are you unscrewing your microphone?

Why?

I don't think that's gonna be it.

I don't think if you unscrew the microphone.

How's that sound?

Oh shit.

Does that fix it?

It doesn't fix it, but you look cool.

I do.

I look like Bob Barker.

But it also is coming in harsh.

Ladies and gentlemen, have fuck your cats and dogs.

Ladies and gentlemen, if your cat shows you it's pussy, it's

horny.

Remember to fuck your cats and dogs, folks.

Why was Barker so fucking why did he give that much of a fuck about dogs and shit?

Because you got to give a shit about something.

Barker probably got pussy.

He probably fucked the models.

Of course.

That's awesome.

I like to think that Pat, what's his name?

Pat Sajak has been trying to fuck Banna White for 70 years.

And she's just like not giving up the pussy.

He's like, dude, she said if I put her on the show.

Dude, any day now, this shit's going to go my way.

See that Mad TV sketch where Will Sasso makes a brewmade pretend to be

Bobby Lee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Over years, they just, they're an old married company.

Come on, man.

Stick to to the plan.

He comes in with that hat on.

Just like a little captain.

Yeah.

I am exhausted.

Why have we been having sex?

Great sketch, man.

Dude, that fucking, that show was so good.

I wish I could remember what the fucking sketch was.

Somebody, somebody, I know a lot of people listening to this show.

If there's anybody that fucking works at like Shout Factory or can demand that they fucking release the entire

show

on Blu-ray.

Blu-ray?

Yes.

You're not going to get Mad TV on Blu-ray.

Why?

You think that

people would just want DVDs, wouldn't they?

What do you mean?

Or just a download.

I'm the guy telling you what I want.

Okay.

You're the only guy.

I don't know.

You don't even know what Shout Factory was.

I didn't.

I don't.

I still don't.

There we go.

4K UHD.

I want it.

You think they're going to release a box set of all the Mad TVs on Blu-ray?

If they released, I would literally pay $500.

You're the one guy who would.

Yeah, I'm the one guy who would.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But, do they do that?

No.

But.

What is Shout Factory?

It's like a distributor.

It's like, you know how, like, Criterion and

they get the best prints and stuff.

Shout Factory, yeah, they get, like, you got some good shit.

Yeah.

Fuck, dude.

I would love, yeah, I I would love to rewatch some of those old sketches.

That show used to fucking, like, kill me.

I know.

Every week, dude.

You know, I could not wait to watch that show.

Yes.

It's crazy how, like, important comedy used to be.

Oh, yeah.

How like

how fucking good it made you feel to watch something funny?

You should watch the first part of fucking Mad TV.

Yeah.

And then I would flip over to SNL.

I know.

You would watch the end of SNL.

Yeah.

But you would like, wait, did you do first part of Mad TV and then switch to SNL?

I would go back and forth for the second half.

Yeah, I guess I would do a little bit of back and forth, but I usually was like, I'm not missing any of Mad TV.

See, I was not that much of a Mad TV loyalist.

Wow.

Really?

If anything, in the beginning, I was more an SNL guy because of Farley.

Because when I was a little ass kid, my mom worked at the fucking Greek restaurant and she would bring back tins of calamari if I stayed up late enough on Saturday nights.

Yeah, that was a reward for staying up late.

It was food.

It was calamari.

So I would just watch Chris.

It was the Farley Sandler era.

Just this little, like, fucking overweight monster.

No.

Being kept in a basement.

Being fed.

Just bald.

Like

when you find out on King of the Hill that Bill Dotrive has a son.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh.

And Hank goes in that room.

Bill, your son is gay.

Bill, your son tried to suck my penis.

Bill, your son tried to suck my penis.

Oh, well, I did.

God damn.

Sorry, Hank.

Oh, damn.

My bill's bad.

That's a terrible bill.

Oh, dang, Hank.

I can't even picture the voice in my head.

Oh, Hank.

Damn, Hank.

Give me one again.

Damn, Hank.

Damn, Hank.

Hank, Hank, why are you saying I say gay?

Hi, you wrong.

Hank, every catch.

You say my son is gay.

Midwad,

your son is gay.

Dang on homosexual

gay ass on.

I love when Fox would do that shit where it's like, get ready for it.

Hank Hill meets Homer Simpson.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And then, you know, me as a kid, I'd be like, I gotta see.

This is fucking crazy.

This is incredible.

No, the critic.

Remember the critic in the Simpsons cross-that was a good episode.

That was a great episode.

Yeah.

When I was

stinks.

Yeah.

That one made sense because they were sort of drawn the same.

It was the same animation scene, I think.

Yeah.

Whereas other ones didn't really make sense.

Yeah.

Although the Flintstones and the Jetsons, you remember that one?

Did you watch that one?

No, I didn't ever really watch the Flintstones or the Jetsons.

They had a crossover.

Because that was like back in the 1960s had some banging cartoons.

They did, and they were like on prime time.

Yeah.

Like the Flintstones were like a fucking.

Well, they didn't, like, Saturday morning cartoons were kind of an invention.

There was no like, you know, they would put children's

yeah, I mean like animation was like for general audiences, I guess.

But they they the idea of like children's programming didn't come around until much later.

It's weird.

There's all these things you kind of like take for granted.

I remember when I was a little kid, I thought TRL was like an institution.

Yeah.

It had been around since like the thirties.

Yeah.

Like I was like, wow, I wonder what the and I was like shocked to find out that it was like

two years old.

Yeah.

That Carson Daly was always the host.

Yeah.

I felt like Dick Clark used to host TRL.

Yeah, like Saturday morning cartoons, the last one went off the air like 10 years ago.

Damn.

And it's weird to think that doesn't exist anymore.

That is weird.

Yeah.

Which is probably good because

it would be cruel and a disservice to all of the man babies in the world if they continued playing Saturday morning cartoons.

Imagine all of like the 35-year-old men that are like, you know what?

I'm going to get back into watching cartoons on Saturday.

And it's like, no, you need to go have a family.

Yeah, dude.

You should be taking your child to Little League right now.

Right.

You don't need to, because you know what?

Your kid doesn't know what Saturday cartoons anymore or even the concept of waiting around for programming instead of looking at it immediately on the show.

The second they ever want it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which is the way it should be.

Time goes on.

I mean, nobody did this before.

Nobody in like fucking 1950 was like, I'm going to get into like.

walking to school, you know, or like whatever, a pet rock.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I see what you mean.

A guy that's like fucking 37 years old in the third in in the 60s no one was like i'm gonna play stick ball yeah barehanded with my friends yeah whatever dumb shit they did they used to do back you know now everyone's just an infant forever not me though no i'm a rich infant not me

us we're rich little babies now i'm a rich baby yeah i get as much seamless as i want while i watch john wick movies

I'm a baby who gets to get his dick sucked, and that's really the key.

Buy the mailman.

If it's hot, if he's hot enough, yeah, sir, what are you doing in the nursery?

Oh, I was just dropping your mail off in your son's grip.

Okay, sounds good.

See you later.

Okay, goodbye, Mr.

Mailman.

Now, that's a good baby's penis.

Yeah,

I'm McGruff.

Take a bite out of a baby's penis.

Scruff McGruff, Chicago, Illinois.

I like two fuck boys.

Yeah.

One ain't What is that?

Yeah.

They had a P.O.

box you could write in McGruff.

Chicago, Illinois.

Yeah, I know.

Scruff McGruff, Chicago, Illinois.

60612 or some shit like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's coming back to me.

Yep.

It's weird.

It's just shit tucked in.

And I remember I would always, I was like, mom, if we write to Scruff McGruff, the motherfucker will give me shit.

And she just never did it.

Yeah.

Some of my friends would.

Mom's like, no, who cares?

Fucking bitch.

You just win the award for being molested.

That's what you had to write into into them for, right?

If you're being molested,

somebody shy.

You can win

a 24-hour shopping spree to KB Toys.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Toys R Us is gone.

R.I.P., I drove by one that was just empty.

Toys R Us is out of business?

Oh, yeah.

No more toy stores, baby.

Amazon done killed it.

Toys R Us is gone?

That can't be right.

Dude bro, it's right.

Toys R Us.

Let's look this up.

Toys R Us is fuckrupt.

Open in Paramus, New Jersey.

Paramus?

Paramus.

Paramus.

Paramus, New Jersey.

They are not out of business.

Well, maybe, you know,

I don't know.

You are incorrect.

I think they are.

Well, the one in Queens is, anyway.

Damn.

I drove by one that was closed down.

You know what I want to go to?

You know this, what is it called?

Like Sweet Factory?

One of those places that just has candy?

Yes, in the mall.

The candy store in the mall with all the turners.

Yeah.

You just turn shit.

Yes, dude.

A fucking shit.

I'm trying to fuck with that.

I want peanut brittle right now.

I want to go buy an Auntie Ann's and get a sample of the caramel and fucking, you know, that kind of the pretzel bites.

The caramel pretzel bites.

Yes, sir.

With the dipping sauce.

They get like a cinnamon.

Oh, yeah.

Cinnamon crunch.

Dip that and shit in the sample and be like, no, thank you.

I was just trying it.

I'm an elegant shopper.

That's right.

Sampling the products.

I'd like to, I want to be, I'm an informed consumer consumer, and I want to know all my options.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go

to the Sarku Japan.

Sarku Japan.

Walk by a kiosk where someone's like, did you know you could be a model?

And I'm like, yes, yes, I did.

Yes, but I'm afraid I don't have any time now.

I have to go after Sarku Japan.

What the fuck?

Chinese place with orange tea.

What the fuck was that business?

They were just like trying to get to sell portrait

packages or something?

Yeah, probably.

They're just trying to sell portraits to vain little kids, little girls, they think they're hot.

But they would say it to everybody.

They would tell everybody that.

Yeah, they would.

I remember,

I hated how much they would tell me.

Yeah, no, I remember that for sure.

Those guys telling me I was hot.

No, they never were like, if it used to be, you could be a big guy, could you picture taking?

Yes.

I honestly don't remember those guys.

I remember portrait guys.

Mm-hmm.

And I remember the Israeli guys trying to like, you know, give you a manicure.

Yeah, those were all massage agents.

They all live together.

With the Dead Sea Scroll guys.

Yep.

They're like, Excuse me.

Have you ever heard of the Dead Sea Scrolls?

Gorgeous, beautiful.

Come here.

The Dead Sea is filled with salt and b syrup and you can turn it into a very beautiful lady.

Please come here to kiss, kiss.

Yeah, I sold, I sold phones at a kiosk across from those Israeli guys in Lake Forest.

And the uh

the fuck my boss would be like, Why can't you be more like those guys?

And it's like, Because I'm not a gay Israeli, yeah, I'm not gonna fucking like clap at women and make kissy faces at them to sell next hell phones.

That's not what's gonna move units either.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, be like, Come here, beautiful baby.

Why don't you hold this I-930?

It's only $250.

It makes you look so beautiful.

You're so beautiful for $450.

Yeah.

How much did those phones cost?

The $9.30?

Do you remember?

Yeah, phones were cheap back then.

It was also like,

if you signed a contract, it took a ding off of it.

Yeah.

The way it used to work is you had to sign a two-year contract that had some giant cancellation fee.

Right.

And then they would prorate the cost of the phone into the bill.

Similar to how it works now, but they, you know, they don't have con nobody has a contract anymore.

Right.

Those phones were like 300 bucks, something like that?

Yeah, yeah.

They didn't start getting up until, like, because this was before smartphones.

Yeah, exactly.

They were like beep beep, the chirp, chirp-ass phones.

Yeah.

The the Nextel, I think it was the 830, was like, that was like the hottest one.

And then the 9.30 came out, and then that was sort of the end of Nextel.

But that Nextel 830, I think that's the one I remember.

Everyone had that.

I wanted it so bad.

The 830?

Yeah.

Or just the chirp and general.

Just the chirp in general, dude.

All the fucking Greeks that whose whose families owned diners had that.

Yeah.

And all the poor Greeks had Nokia's.

Yeah.

Next till 8.30.

I 830.

That was the shit.

Oh, yeah, that's the one, baby.

Yeah.

And you said the 930?

Mm-hmm.

I don't remember the.

Now I'm looking at the 860.

Hmm.

Oh, nine thirty.

Yeah.

No, I believe the eight thirty was the good shit.

Yeah.

There's also an eight seventy.

I don't remember that one.

Yeah.

Fuck, if only I could be one of those Greeks

running their fucking dad's shitty diner.

Yeah.

Being racist.

Having a

hot

16-year-old girlfriend while you're also 16.

Hey, I'm gay, son.

I'm gay.

Son, I'll be doing gay shit, son.

Where's your penis at?

What you mean you'll be doing gay shit, man?

Come on, stop doing that.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, man.

I'll be fitting to do some gay shit, you know, this week, man.

Come on, man.

Get at me.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Come on, yo.

You being fucking weird, yo.

Dog, don't.

Yeah, I'm on the bus.

I'm fitting to cut.

Look,

I'm on the 56 right now.

I can swing by there and suck on your motherfucking dick.

Yeah, I'm actually having sex on the bus myself right now.

I'll be right over there.

You know what?

I'm on the Q,

and I'm getting my dick sucked on the Q27.

So

we both on the bus yelling into our phones about having gay stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah, those guys loved just fucking screaming into their phones on the bus.

Oh, yeah.

About just incriminating shit.

Just like, I got it.

No, I got the fucking Wii right now.

Chill though.

Chill, chill, chill.

You making it hop.

I'm just riding the bus everywhere.

You could go back.

No, I'm not doing it.

Actually, the buses here are nice.

They are nice.

They're much better than fucking Baltimore.

Yeah.

The trains suck in New York, but the buses are fucking like

where it's at, dude.

You ride a Manhattan bus in the middle of winter.

I would do that like the crosstown buses in Manhattan are beautiful.

Yeah.

Going north and south on the avenues on the buses in like a snowstorm.

Yeah.

It's the best.

It's cute as fuck.

It's very cute.

The buses are very warm.

They blast that fucking heat.

There's a bus that goes right from Astoria to the Upper East Side right to a little fucking movie theater.

I love that, dude.

Have a little stop Christmas.

A little Christmas.

Oh, yeah.

Christmas with the crooks.

Christmas with the crooks.

Christmas sandals.

Mm-hmm.

Christmas with the crocodile.

Well, my brain is shutting down, so.

So is mine, dude.

I'm dying.

Yeah.

My body's fighting me.

what do you want to you want to get a little light lunch i could get like a soup yeah you want to go get ramen

yeah

fuck ramen's kind of thick they probably have something with like a nice broth i need like a light broth yeah i want a french onion soup you know what we should go to fucking cafe paulette and get a french onion soup that's that's heavy brother

they got other shit but it's little yeah they got like it's where's cafe paulette fort green okay yeah you want to do that oh let me take a look at the menu i'm down for lunch though all right yeah you whip whip over there and I'll take a lift back.

Okay.

Perfect.

Sounds good.

All right.

Goodbye, everyone.

You can't fucking come.

It's already too late.

We already went.

If you were planning on trying to rush, just some guy just fucking

the front door of his apartment open.

His pants are on his ankles.

I went and they weren't there.

I thought I was going to have lunch with them.

Just like pants still in his ankles coming in.

Can I have the French ogre soup?

Yeah.

Yeah, I was gonna.

I was meeting with my friends here.

Yeah.

Well, I guess that I'm late.

Yeah.

I'm way more fun to hang out with than that fucking idiot Ian.

You guys ever hear of Ian Finance?

Just looking around the restaurant.

You guys ever hear of Ian?

Do you want something, sir?

Yeah, sir.

Sir, sir, do you want something?

Are you okay?

Your pants are down, and everyone can see your pants.

Is Ian here at least?

Can I see Ian?

Can I see Ian at least?

Can I hang out with Ian?

What is Ian?

I was joking.

You're cool, Ian.

Ian, I'm sorry.

Actually, I could probably do ramen.

Whatever.

We'll figure it out.

Let's go.

Yeah, yeah.

I could do some ramen, though, maybe.

All right, pals.

Bye, guys.

Boys.

Boys, girls not allowed to listen.

No, girl.

Yeah, come to those rose dates.

We'll see you later.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, girls can definitely come to the the road dates.

Girls can come.

No, girls at the shows, boys at home listening.

Yeah, that's what we like.

That is what we're doing.

Boys at home, listening, getting the secret messages.

Send your girlfriends out to the show.

That's right, to hang out with us.

So they can come home and tell you how badly they didn't want to fuck us and that they didn't.

Yeah, and they came back to the hotel to laugh at us, to tell you later.

Such a funny story about how they came back.

All right.

All right.

See you at the show.

Bye.

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