Ep. 191 – Too old

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in uh

new orleans is that for real something like that it was like louisiana or something my dad because you know my they don't really talk about shit but my dad was like that's incredible he was like yeah he had you know i don't know and he would, like, bring them around sometimes.

And he was trying to get us all to, like, be friends.

And he's like, yeah,

he's like, these are just some friends of mine who look like.

They look half like me and half like a Creole woman.

Yeah, right.

And he's like, and they're much younger than him.

And it's like, yeah, my friends.

Damn, respect for that move, dude.

Yeah, dude.

Damn.

This shit rocks.

Let's get secret families.

Because here's the thing.

I want to live this lifestyle.

Yeah.

but then i want to go somewhere see my kids for like two weeks yeah catch me if you can dude catch me if you can would be awesome did he have a fake family i don't i don't know yeah but they can catch i literally just watched the movie two days ago i know we were watching it on one of the episodes and i don't remember what he did

i think he wrote checks yeah he did write checks he got pussy for sure i saw uncut gems last night hell yeah did you see it i loved it I thought it was good, but definitely not as good as Adam is pretending it is.

Maybe, yeah, Adam's probably trying to become friends with the Safty brothers if I had if I had a guess.

Is it you think that's his move?

Probably, of course.

I don't know.

Does this sound weird?

You do sound a little tinny.

Yep, you do sound weird.

Does that no, man, still the same?

These fucking cables.

We've got to get higher quality cables, bro.

I got these.

I got we got to get whatever Aerosmith uses.

I got these specifically because the guy was like, oh, these are the best ones.

Really?

Yeah.

He was like, these are, they got like quad shielding.

You've been bamboozled, brother.

You've been led astray by this motherfucker to get that B and H.

Yeah.

Does that work?

Still fucked up.

I think you sound a little better.

It's yeah, it's like that

weird like tin.

Yeah, you sound like you're in a fucking phone booth.

Yeah.

But I don't know, man.

This is, yeah, it's really fucking annoying.

It's a cool effect.

That's me.

I'm now I'm coming in loud.

Yeah.

Now I'm coming in loud and horny.

This is the voice of a man with a hard penis.

You are watching a gay man at work.

Yeah,

does that sound is that there yet?

Is what there yet?

The noise.

I believe it's still there.

God damn it.

Is there another chord you can use?

Yeah, probably.

Alright, well, listen, fuck it.

Just do you get the chord.

I'll say what's up to the people.

Hello, everyone.

You're listening to Come Town Classic.

The way you've always wished it could be.

Just Nick and Stav sitting around in his fucking apartment.

I have the shit.

I have a mild case of the stomach flu, thanks to Ryan Shutt, who I believe caught it from eating ass.

I'm going to accuse him of that.

He caught it from eating ass?

I think so.

Yeah, this is just fucked.

You still sound a little weird.

Yeah, I don't know how to fix it.

Whatever, man.

Fuck these motherfuckers.

This is what you get, you fucking pigs.

You get slop today.

You get some fucking podcasting slop with the boys.

Just us, Adam's in fucking Japan.

Adam's in Morimiko Moshimoto town.

What are these called?

K-U-P-O-L 5000.

K-U-P-E-L?

Pupils.

I was just going to get more sure XLR cables.

And this fucking guy was like, no.

You don't sound bad anymore.

I sound fine.

Yeah.

You sound good, brother.

Yeah, but it should ne this never happened with the old ones.

Yeah.

That's true.

K-O-P-L.

If you work for KOPL, fuck you.

Suck our hogs.

Yeah.

I mean, they have like fucking high ratings.

Hmm.

I have no fucking...

I don't know.

Alright, I guess I gotta just fucking ignore this.

That's all right, man.

Power through.

Anyways, yeah, it wasn't as good as Adam.

I really liked it.

I mean, I thought it was, it was like a fucking...

They're so good.

The Saftis are really good at fucking like making you nervous.

That's the thing.

I thought going into it, I wasn't going to like it because it was going to give me too much anxiety.

Yeah.

But there's like four or five different panic attacks in that movie, and they kept getting bigger and bigger.

It didn't do it for me, and it doesn't do it because there's like too much,

and I don't even know really how to

spell it out.

But yeah, the moments in which the anxiety abates

are so

kind of detached from reality that it's like, well, this guy's never really in danger.

You know, where he like places that fucking bet.

Yeah, but that's what he thinks.

He hits the first bet, and then that's.

Oh, that moment when he when it doesn't go.

Well, no, it does go there originally.

It doesn't go.

They stopped the bet.

They stopped the bet, but he did win.

So it's like.

No, but he didn't, though.

He didn't.

It's even crueler.

He didn't because they stopped the bet, but it abates the anxiety because there is a moment prior to him leading up.

So you're thinking, like, you know, I don't know.

It's like maybe he did win the money, but then he's immediately just going to gamble it again because he's a gambling addict.

Yeah, but for the moment he's a win, dude.

For the moment, it's like a win, but again, what my point is, is then it's like the end of the movie.

It's like, okay, well, he places his bet and he's going to win.

No, we don't know that.

But it doesn't.

Spoiler alerts, we don't know that.

Yeah.

It's like, it's literally like, okay, well, what's the point then?

That he's good at gambling?

Because it's like, it's still chance.

You know what I mean?

It's like, no, dude, the rock is magic.

It's too...

Nah, see, that's what I mean.

Kevin Garnett and the rock, dude, is from Africa.

Yeah.

Well, if you introduce that kind of like magical element to the whole fucking thing it's like well how can the the anxiety ever exist because it's not based in reality we don't know you have he's got a feeling that he's a gambler that luck gets gets his fingers on a fucking magical rock and that's a pretty cool story if you ask me and he's got a mistress with big ass titties and a fat ass yeah and she grabs the weekends cock in a in a UV bathroom

and even Adina Manzel could get he was looking good as hell honestly so that's kind of my take on the movie That's kind of my fresh take.

And it was definitely like good and fun, but it, like, it, you know, yeah, I actually like Good Time, but

the whole movie pedals in anxiety.

For sure.

And, and, that, where it detaches from that anxiety is kind of in this supernatural place that nullifies the whole thing for me.

So, watching it, going in, I was like, Training Day is probably the most like anxiety-inducing movie I've ever seen.

Yes.

And Training Day just sort of drives the entire time, and you just feel, like, I would, like, I still, you know, re-watching Training Day, feel kind of, like, sick.

Absolutely, for sure.

And maybe, like, initially, like, the pacing.

This is Jewish Training Day.

Yeah, but then again, it's...

This is not violence.

It's placing bets.

Yeah, but he's like saved by magical intervention.

He's Jewish.

I guess.

Some chosen people.

Yeah.

Well, I don't know, man.

I mean, the thing is, he wasn't...

Let's say he's saved ultimately, right?

He's still, like you said, he's ultimately a gambling addict.

He is going to fucking

lose at some point.

He's going to lose big at some point.

But i just want to see the sandman out there dude getting pussy from a hot girl that's enough for me yeah and you know he he really there's some great scenes i mean the scene where him and his wife and he's trying to get her back and he's like just pathetically trying to hold on to what he has even though he doesn't want to yeah but i also just love i love when he's like fuck it i'm making the big bet And I love that he's got a down bitch.

I need a girl like that, dude.

That's my alt-dream woman.

Yeah.

Woman who is fictional character.

A fictional character does not exist in real life.

He's a huge titties and a big ass that holds it down for her man, you know, because he lets her live in his father-in-law's apartment, I think.

And that he goes there to get pussy, and he tells her it's over, but she doesn't want to hear that.

She wants to go place a big-ass bet for him.

Yeah.

And, you know,

I'm the guy at the end with the hotel room.

That guy rolls off.

That guy's me.

Listen, I got to take a shower.

All right.

I'm all messed up.

I'm going to go take a shower.

And I got, the door rings.

I got friends coming over.

I also got food coming.

so no matter what it is just open it and answer the door okay baby that guy yeah dude that's all worth it for that guy because just lying to his friends about fucking her yeah she's gonna he doesn't need to fuck her right

his dick is so it's like you know when there's like a strain

man well you know when there's a strain of like uh antibiotics that are resistant yeah or a strain of viruses that are resistant antibiotics that's his dick with dick pills it's over yeah he's completely mashed his penis with every kind of treatment to get you hard that's That's not happening anymore.

All he has left is his friends thinking he's fucked hot.

When the pills stop working for me, I'm going wires.

I'm going to do the Reebok pump on one of my nuts.

I'm doing like some crouching tiger hidden dragon.

Oh, okay, I see.

You're going to be playing the flute while you're getting sucked off.

Yeah, just my dick flying through a temple.

Just

being pulled by wires, you know.

I respect that.

Yeah.

No, I want the Reebok pump.

I want to go

on my left nut

and it'll get my dick so hard.

That'd be pretty tight.

There's an old German guy in Greece who had one of those.

Yeah, he would go around town.

He wouldn't inflate his cock, but he would talk about how nice it was.

How much he would enjoy it.

How much he would enjoy it.

Does that sound better?

Oh, yeah, it actually does.

Maybe it's the wind guard?

I don't think so.

Maybe it creates an echo inside the wind guard.

Shit.

Do you have the finest top-quality ass wind guards?

Maybe that was it the whole whole time.

Does that sound better?

I can't fucking tell anyone.

Nah, whatever, man.

Who gives a fuck?

I do because I'm like, I have a fucking fixation.

I see.

It sounds better, I think.

That sounds better.

That does actually sound better.

That sounds better.

I think so.

You just can't breathe into it?

Uh-huh.

Fuck.

Yeah.

Yeah, he didn't get the job because he breathes weird.

Just working at a call center and just being like, thanks for calling AT ⁇ T.

Can I get your customer subscriber number?

Okay, Mr.

Edwards, let me give me one second.

I'm going to pull up your account here.

So I see.

So the thing is, you're locked out of your email.

Yeah, you got to just pull it back a little bit.

So it's just, okay, we got your account up here, and it looks like you did call in about this earlier, something about your service dropping out

in the afternoons.

And let me just do a quick test on your line to make sure that there's no physical problems that we just need to send a tech out for.

So that'll take two seconds here.

Yeah, I got you.

Yeah, you know.

Okay, so, and the problem is on the 536 number?

We've got 536.

Okay, and so we're just going to pull up in the email address, that's the Yahoo.

Yes.

Okay, and let me just write here and I'll

try it.

I'm getting the hang of that one now.

So if anybody listening works in a call center,

you want to try that one out.

You're going to try that one out for size.

How the boys feel about that one.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Damn.

Or like a Japanese, like a hentai guy coming.

What was is everything okay?

Sorry, I'm just calling in about my number.

I'm breathing.

Okay, no.

Oh, you're breathing.

I'm sorry about that.

I'm breathing.

That's how I breathe.

I understand.

This is how I breathe.

Dude, although training day, as fucking, you know, panic-inducing as it is, I know that you're saying, like, uncut is like, uh, is like, you know, a weird thing.

The trailer alone fucked me up for Uncut Gems when I first saw it.

I was like, I can't see this movie.

I thought it was going to be a lot more.

This was more, it was more peaks and valleys than it was, like, one straight peak, you know, just one giant fucking build-up.

The way kind of, you know, I really like Good Time, though, the Robin Pattinson one where they have Greek dirtbags playing it, but it was more like peaks and valleys of like, oh, you can relax for a second here, which is probably what a gambler's life is like a funny emotion i had after seeing it when i woke up this morning was like i want to go to midtown to see the jews

i want to see the jews from the movie just taking pictures they're out there they went to my they went to my favorite jewelry spot popular jewelry it's where i got my chain and it's like when

you go like i saw four vs ferrari and you're like man i want to go to like a car museum yeah exactly Totally.

After uncut gems, I'm like, I want to see those those J-bags.

Yeah, I want to see some Jews talk down a man trying to pawn his wedding ring.

Yeah, especially the fucking the

shop where he pawns the Celtics.

Yeah, I want to see those guys too.

What's the matter, Bobby?

Are you okay?

Is everything okay?

Dude, yeah.

That was some good acting on his part.

He seemed actually.

It seems like those are just guys at work in the store.

I know, but that's what I mean.

Those are regular ass guys, and he actually had to have a real moment with Sandler where it's clearly going downhill.

And he's like, is everything okay?

He's literally worried his boy's about to get got.

Yeah,

worried to the extent that he's just going to be like, Are you okay?

Anyways, I'm going to sell this ring.

No, that's the game, dude.

It's the game.

Yeah, you know how the fuck it's the same thing.

It's that it's that it's that, it's the Jewish mafia

being into you know, pawning.

It is funny that that Italian

thing of theirs.

That Italian guy's, you know, like, just at the end, he's like, Fuck it, why don't I be the boss?

Yeah,

I don't know, I'm doing a much better job of being the boss.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Yeah.

So we're out here, man, holding it down.

Adam's over in fucking.

What's that other actor's name?

Kobayashi.

Lake Lakeith.

Lakeith Stanfield.

Lakeith Stanfield.

Yeah.

He looks like an upset toddler.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

That guy's whole vibe is like,

but you said I could have a snack.

You said I could have a juice.

Look at him.

He crying because he can't have his juice.

I'm not crying.

Like, you know, like a baby like that.

He does, when when he crumples his face up it is like a baby like a baby that's upset that he can't have his juice but he's trying to be a man and not cry that's true that's true i respect that because i have a lot of the same i am definitely an upset toddler but i'm not being a man about it yeah i'm sad i want my juice nobody's gonna find out about it dude yeah yeah i fuck with lake stanfield though yeah he's good yeah

there was there was weird shit with that character i didn't ever understand what was going on with him or that was a little weird i will admit you know where he's like i got the i got got the rock right now.

And it's like, it's also, I don't know.

They drive down to Philadelphia and then he just disappears into the locker room.

It's like, what the fuck is going on?

Yeah.

You know, and it's like a lot of it is just kind of in the service of trying to build that anxiety, but not done in a way where it's like, it's not driven by any kind of like coherent plot.

I sort of see what you mean.

They're masters of building anxiety, but you feel like it's not necessarily earned with the reality of the plot.

Yeah, and you could, I mean, there is an argument that it's like that

obfuscation of like the motivation is like intentional to add to the anxiety or whatever, but it doesn't like it just feels like a kind of lazy writing almost, to be honest.

I know.

I mean, I kind of just saw it as like,

yeah, I mean, if anything, it's like, why would yeah, or like when he goes, I mean, that's why it's got to be KG, though, because otherwise that character would never allow the rock, but it's like, I mean, fuck it, KG is giving me his championship ring.

You know what I mean?

I don't know.

I do.

It's just, it's just possible enough.

And that's why Adam Samuel's character is weird.

At first, you don't understand what he's doing, but it's like, no, this guy's like, he can't admit that he's a fucking loser ever.

He has to pretend he's the fucking man, and that's his fatal flaw.

But he's lying about not having the money to pay people back.

You know what I mean?

Because he's about to be the man, dude.

He's about to make the big ass, big dick bet.

But the thing that happened at the beginning is like, it's like he always knew he was having that rock coming.

You know what I mean?

So it's like the rock.

That was the other thing, too.

That's probably why he wasn't worried.

The through line the entire time is that he always has the money to fucking pay off this bet.

He always has it.

Even it's like they should reveal at one point that he can just go to his fucking stepdad who will just give him a quarter million dollars.

And then he's like, he's like, oh,

you need to take my quarter million dollars.

And he's like, I have to pay the 40% on it.

He's like, that's $38,000.

Well, I think...

The thing is,

it seems like he's going to be fine, but that's how he,

he never allows that to happen because he's always going to ask for a little more.

He's always going to try and actually go over on everybody, and that's like his fucking problem.

It's like, yeah, he would have been fine.

The movie should have just ended in the beginning.

But there's no point where he ever doesn't actually have the money.

You know what I mean?

There's no point where he's like, he can't pay these things off.

Yeah, there is a point where he doesn't have the rock.

There is no rock.

He doesn't have, yeah, he's placed the bets.

He doesn't have the rock.

It's like maybe he won't get the ring back, but that's never even like, you know, it's not like he goes there and they're like, we already got rid of the ring.

You said you'd come in on Friday.

It's like he just just still has it.

And then he swaps it out and there's no fucking problem.

And then they blow the auction and KG is immediately like, yeah, I'll still buy it for the same price that it was.

No, $10,000 less.

$10,000 less for the percentage that goes to whoever.

Right.

You know, but it's like there's no, like, any of the moments for, like, where there could be, like, real anxiety, just they dissipate immediately.

I don't know.

He seems in trouble when they fucking shake him down into fucking.

He doesn't think that he's in trouble because it's his boy Arno or whatever whatever the fuck, but you know, you have the mobster element.

It's like there's just enough going on where you're like, is he all right?

Is he not?

It's also who are those two other guys that look like fucking Michael Sarah?

That was like just supposed to be those guys rock.

Are you kidding me?

Those guys are gonna be there for like comedic effect, but it's like, I don't know who he owes money to that those guys are like the fucking goons.

They're not goons.

He ripped them off or something, and they also owe money.

The guy comes back with like, they need whatever the fuck he owes them because they owe it to somebody else.

It's clear.

That I thought was clear to me because they come back with a fucked up arm and shit it gives you a little bit of an ecosystem of this world that you wanted to go yeah i guess them i missed all that with those guys those guys were so funny looking dude

god damn i'm happy i'm not them that's the other thing too he's like he's giving away all those black guys that black guys rolex yeah and that guy's like you just gave away my rolex all right later

you know it's like okay i guess that well he's everything's coming up due i think that's what's happening he isn't okay he's fucking he's he's just borrowing to to barely keep it going.

Yeah.

But also, you guys think, like I said, it's like now I'm just like fucking point pick like picking holes where I can, you know.

I mean, it's like ultimately it was fun to watch, but I want to watch it again for sure.

I feel like you.

I want to see what the sandman's up to now that I know kind of the arc of the whole damn thing.

There would have been ways to really dial all of that in and make it like really fuck with you.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I want to watch it again because I was at a theater and I selected my seats and I had a seat.

I had no one sitting to my left.

I hate that assigned seating thing now.

Did I ever tell you I went to the I took Norman to go see like a we went to like some even like bigger dick draft house where they had like leather recliners.

Hell yeah.

And I had to sit right next to a fucking autistic boy.

Brutal.

With his sister and his mom.

And, you know, the whole movie is like, that's the bad guy.

He's gonna go in there.

And you're like, shut the fuck up.

I get to say that.

Yeah.

I'm the one in the theater that says who says who the bad guy is

you guys are just in perfect unison i was gonna say that you know and at one point it's my favorite one point like somebody like five rows in front of us sneeze and he was like bless you

and then fucking like at halfway through the movie the mom like leans over the sister and says to him like David, we're leaving.

You know, let us just text us when you're done watching the movie.

And then they just leave the autistic boy there.

The mom and the sister leave halfway through the movie.

Incredible.

What movie was it?

I think it was Kick-ass, maybe.

That's a good one.

I don't fucking remember.

Young Nick Cage looking fucking gorgeous in that one.

Yeah, I'm trying to have sex with my daughter.

I'm trying to see my daughter's pussy.

Trying to become a superhero, so I can have sex with my own ass.

My old ass.

That'll be my power.

Is a dick that stretches like a banana under my balls and into my own ass.

It's a movie called Lord of Gay Sex.

Every year,

over $200 billion in gay sex is

trafficked

in the third world.

I see Lord of War, not yes, Lord of Gay Sex.

I was born in Little Odessa.

I was one of the only people having gay sex in that neighborhood back then.

Dubrov Nabuzhnia, Bukuchu.

I'm speaking Russian in that movie so phony.

Yeah, I've never seen seen Lord of War actually.

Yeah, I don't speak a word of Russian, but you hear him speaking it, and you're like, there's no way that's right.

That's not what it sounds like.

That's not what it's supposed to say.

I'm willing to bet one million dollars.

He's fucking blowing everybody.

Prushnyev.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Kick-ass is good.

That kid, the guy who plays Kick-ass or whatever.

Yeah.

Or maybe nothing.

I don't remember who Kick-ass is.

But the main character, he was fucking some old producer type bitch while he was young.

Respect to him, shove it, you know, working that little fucking prick to get him to get him into Hollywood.

The Pina Sante.

The Pina Sante.

That's the name of my car.

I'll drive a Maserati Pina Sante.

Oh, I thought the Pinasante was like an ancient guild of gay assassins.

And that would be cool, too.

The Pinasante.

Yeah.

The guys that rape.

Oh,

they rape other men.

Yeah.

It is a secret guild of assassins.

And what what we do is we rip.

We rip men.

The Prince of Persia.

Yes, dude.

Those are the bad guys.

And the Prince of Persia, if I'm not mistaken, is the Pinasante.

The Pinasante.

An ancient Italian guild of homosexual rapists.

Yeah.

And assassins.

The Illuminati, the Illuminati, Naughty, the Illuminati, the Illuminati.

What's the in there?

We got something.

Hold on.

Let's work that around.

Now that we're in our 30s,

it takes takes a while.

Yeah, absolutely.

Damn, can you imagine how bad this podcast is going to be when we're 42 years old?

Brutal.

We're making fucking $900 between the three of us on Patreon.

Yeah, yeah.

There's three people still subscribed, and they're the only fans that haven't died of colon cancer.

They're like, I've been listening to this show since the beginning.

I live with my mom.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up.

Don't look me in the eye.

Shut up, Eric.

I don't even know what to do.

Eric, stop coming to my house.

My roommate, who I have to live with now.

Hell yeah.

We're definitely in a group home with Come Down, who we don't pay rent to because they treat us like Kenny Powers.

Yeah, they're just in there.

We make them sit in their bedrooms while they're listening to the show.

That sounds like a great episode out there.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut up.

Shut the fuck up.

I'm not going to tell you again.

We're not listening to you right now.

Anyways, so what I was saying was, I've been paying child support for seven years.

It's not even my kid.

To put the math together, I've never even fucked this bitch.

Somehow, I thought.

yeah, I signed the papers because I thought it was cool to have sex.

I thought, yeah, I haven't fucked in 10 years.

I thought I was just trying to

show is dried up.

It dried up almost instantly.

So, yeah, I basically signed whatever because she said she was going to let me see her pussy.

Yeah.

And I signed it.

And then

I had to do that situation where Adam tricked us into signing those papers.

And then we have to do this forever.

He gets all the money.

Then he licensed the show, and now there's a show called Come Town that's just rebranded episodes of Disney's recess in Spanish.

Most popular show in a show.

But the snitch character is the good guy.

Yeah.

Adam's favorite show.

Randall with a Yankees fitted.

A Yankees Yama.

Hey, guys, I just gripped a Yankees fitted.

That's so cool, Randall.

You're the coolest kid in third grade.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Now, does anybody want to do drugs?

I do.

Get him, officer.

Damn, I wonder what Spikoli's up to these days.

She's the hot one, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Damn.

Just

cop and dome from

Spicoli.

Spicoli's from

the people know what we're talking about.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm trying to fuck Spikoli, dude.

Yeah.

Whoa, radical penis, brother.

You talk like a ninja turtle?

Just fuck four girls that talk like the ninja turtles.

Make them wear headbands.

They're all wearing headbands.

Radical penis.

Damn, I want to get it.

You want to lick my fucking ass?

I love that.

One of them is from California and the other one's from like, you know, Bay Ridge.

Yes.

And they're brothers.

Oh, come over here and show me those beautiful fucking bulls.

Yeah, it was a Raphael was the one that was a Brooklyn guy.

Yeah.

And then who's the daggers?

Michelangelo is like a California surfer, the orange guy.

Leonardo's a fucking nerd with a little ass dick because he's made with purple and he's got a staff.

Yeah, remember when, like, in the movie, like, fucking

Raphael goes out to walk the streets at night because he's fucking pissed.

Yeah.

And he loses one of his daggers.

And he's like, I lost a fucking dagger.

I lost a fucking dagger.

I'm like, isn't this a children's movie?

My fucking father.

I want to get a

My fucking father left my fucking house.

And I grew up with some rat faggot.

Some rat.

Well, here we go.

Red.

Raphael, do not call me a rat fag.

I'm sorry, Rafael.

Why don't you go make a fucking egg roll, you motherfucker?

I'm sorry, Splitter.

It's just, that's what you are.

But I pissed off sometimes when I think about my fucking daddy leaving me here with some rat.

Whoa, dude, don't say the C-word, John.

Shut up, you fucking.

Why don't you go back to the fucking shore and shove your surfboard up your fing ass?

What do you got in that shell?

A bunch of dildos and gay f ⁇ porn.

I got a couple.

Shut up, dude.

I might might have a couple dildos.

Is there even a fucking house in there, or is it just a lady's fucking bathroom?

Bunch of holes in the wall so you can suck cock,

dude.

You're being really messed up right now, bro.

Yeah, you know what the real secret of the ooze is?

The Donatello sucks dick.

It's the fucking

Jesus oozing out of his fucking age.

I like the idea that the Foot Clan is like just a bunch of guys that want to see April O'Neill's feet.

Sell feet pics.

We will see April O'Neill's feet

one way or another.

No way, Shredder.

Fuck, I wish what.

What did the other two sound like?

Donatello and just regular guys.

Donatello, Raphael, Michelangelo, and Leonardo.

Leonardo.

Yeah, Leonardo's like, ooh,

I think I'm allergic to the pizza.

Wait, this is non- This is vegan cheese.

I guess because it's because I have IBS.

One of them should have been a Puerto Rican guy.

I think that would have been betterable.

Jew Puerto Rican.

Yeah.

Surfer guy.

Yeah.

Porkovin guy.

If fucking Leonardo was just like, what you say, mommy?

Hey, mommy.

Hey, mommy.

Mommy.

April's like, don't leave me alone with him.

I would love to cheat on April.

April, I love you, mommy.

Why don't you please give me some of that?

I will treat you so good, baby.

I'll make you a queen, baby.

Until I see some other people, you know,

just a little on the side.

Just a little extra.

That's my fucking culture.

That's what is.

That's just some uptown stuff, man.

I can't, you know, I just got an uptown mentality.

Oh, fuck.

Did one of the turtles fuck April?

In the cartoons.

That's awesome.

One of them was trying to, and then the human fucked her, right, with a hockey mask?

Casey Jones.

Yeah.

Respect.

Played by

a Greek guy, which is such a funny actor because he was like this handsome guy with long hair, and then he went just severely bald.

Damn.

Then it's like, well, now you can play detective.

Yeah.

And nothing else.

Give that man a wig, dude.

That's what fucking Billy Zane.

Exactly.

Let him go the Zane right now.

Billy Zane is the only smart, bald person in the entire world.

Dude, it's coming for me.

I'm about to go Wiggs.

No, you should have gone Wiggs immediately.

That would have been a family.

When we were like 23, you should have gone Wiggs.

Back when I met you, that was so funny, dude.

It was like the first month you were hanging out and you were all upset one day and you're like,

my girlfriend's been looking at fucking Rogane for us.

Dude, that poor girl thought she had like I was just going to have a real job and start using Rogane.

It's like, no, no, no.

Yeah, yeah.

That is hilarious to think you were in like a long-term relationship with a girl that thought you were going to be like a just a regular fucking guy just working it being a parrot

nah yeah i saw at a wedding and uh it was clear i was on acid yeah

she was just like she was like a fun little combo but she was like engaged to a different fat guy who yeah yeah yeah was exactly what she wanted yeah just some fat like nice guy that was like not you know no one not paying no one's paying any attention to him he's not at the fucking he's not doing acid.

She thought she was

a Donatello, but she had a Raphael.

She had a fucking Raphael throwing daggers around, getting his little fucking turtle dick sucked.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

I wish we could be friends because it's like, yeah, we're just, at this point, it was like fucking,

oh, we dated like 10, 11 fucking years ago.

Yeah.

Like, it was college and shit.

Yeah.

I would like to have regular ass friends, but,

you know, she probably looks at me, toothless, fatter than I was.

She thinks, damn, the one that got away can't get hard anymore.

I mean, hey, dude, you're famous.

That's what I tell myself.

Yeah.

She's like, wow, if only I could have been with a racist podcast.

Everyone I've dated, they knew that they really let something special go away, especially the women that are now engaged and married.

And yeah, the ones that have families and literally just pictures of them enjoying their lives.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

They

was dumb fucking whores.

And they could have had it all, dude.

They could have sat next to the racing wheel

and gotten seamless twice a week.

Yep.

instead of their husband that probably knows how to cook and does

cook, build, yeah.

I mean, you know how to build things, but yeah, but I wouldn't.

That's right.

That's the thing.

That's true.

That's the mistake that women make is they think just because you can do something that you will.

I can do a lot of things.

That's true.

I refuse to.

That's the thing about me.

I actually cannot do many things, but the things I do do, I will probably do them for you.

Which is basically, yeah, just cook, just buy food.

Yeah.

No, me in the garage for like nine days.

I just walk in completely nude with an owl perched on top of my head, and I go in the fridge and I eat some bologna.

I'm like, oh, yeah, hey.

And then I go back up.

What's up?

What's up, family?

Hi, Nick.

Your daughter, your seven-year-old daughter.

Yeah.

Hey, Nick, could you drive me to school today?

They're all taller than me.

All of my children are like 6'3, 6'4.

I'm just, my penis is hanging out.

Just that fucking giant barn owl like digging its claws into my head.

There's blood pouring down.

I'm like, you guys having a good time at school?

They're like, it's July.

I'm like, cool, cool, cool.

Nice.

Nice.

All right, I'm going to be out in the garage.

See you guys at Christmas, I guess.

Yeah, don't ever fucking come out there ever.

If you ever fucking dare, just a reminder, don't ever come out there.

Do not come in the fucking garage.

Do not come in.

And

the house is like this big, and the garage is

a seven-story building.

It's just a giant overside with like a big door that defies physics that it works, and the house is very tiny.

A huge crank opening.

You can't just

open the whole thing.

Yeah.

That would be all.

That's the life, dude.

That's the life you fucking dumb bitches could have had.

But not now.

Somebody else gets right.

They come in there, and I've just made like a full-sized X-Wing out of Legos.

And I'm sitting in the cockpit, and I'm like, what did I say about coming into my study?

I'm reading.

I'm doing, oh, you fucking assholes.

You fucking piece of shit.

God, I hate you.

I'm trying to learn for the family.

I hate my children.

I hate them so much.

Your fucking wife's boyfriend just lives in the home with them.

What's up?

What's up, Eric?

Yeah.

Oh, what's up?

How you doing?

Ricky?

No, I told you, listen, I told you any questions about going to school or getting food, you ask Eric.

You ask Ricky.

I'm sorry, Ricky.

Yeah.

His name's Eric, yes, but Ricky is short for Eric, and that's a term of endearment I have with him.

Yes.

Because he's looking out for you guys while I do the hard work

while I provide for this family.

Isn't that right, Ricky?

You think you can just sit here at my kitchen table and drink my juice?

He's like, I brought this with me.

I do all the shopping.

I brought all this with me.

The only reason you're still here is because it's technically your land.

It literally says Jamba juice on it.

It's a cup that I clearly came in with.

There's no way it's yours.

There's no, you don't have your own Jamba juice.

All right, Ricky, we'll settle this when the kids aren't watching.

Well, yeah, we're going to handle this like man.

I'm still like completely naked.

All right, and then your watch beeps is like, all right, that's the time the court says I legally have to spend with you per week, and I'll see you guys later.

A big infection on my chest where I tried to give myself my own tattoo.

It says, King of the Ring,

Never wrestled, never boxed.

I've never been in a ring in your life.

You keep referring to yourself as the king of the ring.

No, I never do.

It was a one-time idea I had.

It's just bleeding, it's all just putts, and it's backwards.

Yeah, you just did it looking down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're like, do you need to go to the hospital?

I'm like, do you need to go to the hospital?

Shut the fuck up.

Shut up, Ricky.

I'm just wanting my ham.

I think I'm going to get my own ham fridge in the garage, actually, going forward.

Don't you have a garage fridge?

No.

I turned it on its side and I started using it as a canoe.

Any more fucking stupid questions?

Any more dumbass questions

from the peanut gallery?

Your son just never looked up from his fucking iPad the whole time.

Just sighing and being like, What you playing on there, Mickey Mouse?

Okay, I'll see you guys later.

What you got, a Mickey Mouse on there, huh?

Sweetie?

Okay, sweetie.

All right, daddy loves you.

I'm going to be in the garage.

Don't come in.

Do not come in the garage.

Yeah.

That's a good life, dude.

Yeah.

I can see that for you, man.

That would rock.

oh fuck

eventually they come out there and i've been dead for a week and a half and one of my legs is like jammed in the springs of a trampoline and i'm wearing a like a unitar

i tried to teach myself olympic gymnastics just snap my neck

hell yeah dude yeah that would be beautiful

you've left very very clear directions you want to be shot into space.

You want a space funeral, dude.

Yeah, I want my body fed to a family of hungry Africans.

Yeah, it's like in his will, it was very clear.

He wants this very racist wish.

But we're not.

I want to feel good about myself.

So I want to be eaten by Africans, starving Africans.

Because I'm doing something to change the world, unlike you, racist.

Unlike you.

Unlike my dumbass kids.

My daughter's like a neurosurgeon.

Oh, brain surgery, real cool.

Yeah, that's real nice of you to cut people's brains in half.

That's fucked up.

Some of us fill their brains with slurs.

With knowledge.

Knowledge.

Yeah.

Welcome to my book collection.

Some of us make them imagine a turtle saying anti-Asian slurs.

That's what paid for your way through medical school.

I got a scholarship.

Well, it would have if you didn't.

Listen, the $25,000 I walked into this marriage with went a long way.

The money that didn't dry up.

The lawsuit, yeah,

it's not about

from your career.

It's like the lawsuit you won from the tattoo.

Oh, yeah, when you were a baby, who bought your diaper?

You know, who bought your diaper?

Who got the put the milk in the bottle at one time?

We were breastfed.

Yeah, but who put the milk in there?

Who squeezed your mother's tits against her will?

Who nutted in your mom to make the hormones to

make your dinner?

You think breast milk gets made without cum in a woman's pussy?

You gotta keep nothing in them.

It's fucking physics.

Matter can be nor created, and neither fucking destroyed.

Yeah, you idiot.

By the way, I put chimes on all the doors so it plays the Sanford and Sun theme song when I walk in.

From now on,

I want that vibe.

And you should treat me as if I'm one of the characters on the show.

Bump, bump, bump, bum, bum, bump, bum, bum, bump.

Hey, Ricky.

No, not him.

No.

Ricky does not get a hello in that manner.

Everybody, if it's anyone but me, I couldn't figure out a way to make the chime person-specific.

So if Ricky walks his dumbass in here and the song plays, it's earmuffs for you.

You're not listening to it,

and he doesn't get the.

In fact, this motherfucker, Ricky, you're climbing in from the window from now on.

Just to be safe.

I'm not doing that.

All right, suit yourself.

All right.

Yeah.

Shoot yourself.

Suit yourself.

I could see you making that noise in your mouth.

Yeah, it doesn't matter.

I have guns.

You know what it denotes, though.

Yeah, I could get a gun right now.

I could go to Cabela's and get a gun in a heartbeat.

I could have a rifle in here pointed at your fucking face.

The second I so I so esteemedly wish

in my gentlemanly nature

to battle you with pistols, rifles, shotguns, tactical

tactical gear.

I might buy some peanut brittle that they also have at Cabela's and I'll have some of that.

Yeah.

Hey, have you guys seen my Ziploc bag with some glue in it?

There was a bag out that was some super glue in it that I was using.

No, I needed it for...

There was that bag I had.

It was like a gallon-sized bag filled with opened markers and super glue.

Well, no, it isn't.

You put the markers down.

There was my arts and crafts bag that I need to make a birthday card for my friend from online.

For my roommate.

What was the guy's name that we're roommates with now?

From one of our roommates.

Hey, kids, Uncle Stav.

All your children love the garage is just that house we share with our list, our Patreon listeners.

The four guys left.

It's just the fucking landlord from the big Wavowski.

That was a really great episode.

Hey, Ricky.

Yeah.

Hey, Ricky.

What's up, dude?

Oh, hey, hey, Todd.

Ricky, don't talk to our fans.

Oh, actually, Nick, we were over here to ask Ricky for money again for your rent because you haven't paid for six years.

Well, well, well.

I guess I'm just an asshole, man.

I guess that's the story of the day, folks.

Breaking news.

Nick is an asshole.

Let's all get mad at him now.

Let's all take a break from what we're doing to get mad at him.

Because it's so important

that we put everything aside to get mad at the one guy that's doing anything around here to make things better.

The homemade basketball hoop I put up in the living room.

The fucking.

You know, who tried to fix

the furnace?

Who tried to do that?

I tried for at least a half hour.

I tried to figure it out.

And now we have a barbecue down there.

Pretty cool.

But I guess we don't like fucking ribs.

I guess you guys didn't like my idea of turning the entire house into Texas.

I thought we were going to have Texas week.

And your fat cow of a sister

was going to be Miss Livestock.

You were going to put little blue ribbons on that fucking.

Why would you say that about your daughter?

Because she's not here, dumbass

what's she gonna do find out about it

she's probably at lunch

oh what what were we talking about well it's time to podcast it's time to do the podcast i'll see you guys soon

and at that point there's like a 45 minute intro song yeah

just clips of things we've said in the past from From 20 years ago.

You're a bug, dude.

All the hits.

Dad, can I have that roller backpack?

The stop bot.

Who remembers 2014?

Now that was a good time.

Now that was a good time.

That was a fucking year, dude.

That was a good era, brother.

Before we had this dumb Chinese president.

That's so true.

Which we'll have at the time.

Oh, yeah.

It was funny, like, when they were like, you know, they would do TV shows.

They were like, let's go.

Because I think 24 did that.

They had a black president.

Yeah.

Because they were like, how crazy would they be?

For a while, black president was the thing.

Yeah.

In like in the disaster movie.

Yeah.

And then after black president, they went Chinese woman president.

And I was like, damn, y'all stepping on the gas.

Yeah.

But none of them, it would be funny if there was a movie in like 1996 where they're like, there's a comet coming to destroy the earth.

And it's like some pink-haired, like, trans president.

Luckily, I have mental illness.

So I can just delude myself into thinking we're not going to die, but the rest of you are fucked.

This has been the president speaking.

Oh, fuck, dude.

I would like to see that.

Why not, dude?

Get a trans president in there?

Maybe with big presidential titties.

If you became president and you were trans, would you get to have even better, would you get a better setup?

Like, would you get more bigger titties or better surgery or something like that?

Would they give you an upgraded new pu presidential pussy?

Well, the the reality is to be a trans person that becomes president, you'd already have to be the kind of person that has so much money that you'd have the perfect surgery.

True, it would have to be jazz.

It'd have to be jazz or Caitlin Jenner.

Caitlin's not looking that good.

I know, but it's a rich person with

connections.

It would be funny if it was Jazz's Mexican friend.

Oh, yeah.

That character is so goddamn funny.

When all those girls are sitting around the table, and then one of them is just like,

you know, it looks like the

Coca-Cola polar bear

with fucking Miss Kraboppel's haircut, like, one earring.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That is tough to be the poor.

Yeah.

Class issues when you're trans is a whole nother, a whole nother ball gets worse.

Yeah, they get worse.

Yeah, for sure.

Depending on what you're fucking.

Oh, remember, I forgot about this missing you booty, but it's missing you pussy.

That's right.

I found you, missing you pussy.

Okay, okay, booty.

Get it together and let me suck your new pussy.

Let me suck your pussy.

I found your missing buddy.

Get it, okay,

and bring it back to me.

This hush ain't lying.

Yeah, put it.

What is it?

What's the line?

Put it something on it.

What it do?

Something doesn't.

What's up?

Yeah, I don't know.

But that fucking song is so dumb.

Missing you, Booty.

Yeah, but I forget the lyrics.

I also feel like it wasn't in an era where the ass technology was there.

It wasn't.

The last 10 years have been huge for fake asses.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fake asses look pretty good now, but back then.

Remix.

Fuck, dude, I'm scared.

I'm getting sick.

I got that A-Rab money.

That was the best.

He's not even trying.

I remember at the time, I was like, hmm.

Even then, I'm like, damn.

Yeah.

Is this two races?

Is it 2004?

Seven?

No, it couldn't have been that late.

You don't think so?

I don't know, man.

It feels like it was earlier than that.

Yeah, maybe.

I got that A-Rab money.

A-Rab money.

Maybe it was 2007, huh?

Custer Rhymes, baby.

Yeah.

He rocks.

Oh, yeah.

Very homophobic to this day.

That's not why he rocks, to be clear.

I don't know.

The stars are.

You think he's Leanne Rhymes' brother?

Yeah.

I think he is.

Damn, his face is get he's kinda getting kinda chubbed up, dude.

Yeah, me too.

Nah, dude, you look good.

Yeah.

I'm thinking I might become wayfish.

Was that your new thing?

Yeah, but but have a huge wow release 2009.

Wow, that's late.

Really?

Yes, dude.

That's weird because I remember

fuck.

Maybe you're thinking of Punjabi MC?

No, because it's.

I I was living in Texas at the time, and I don't like, I remember, I feel like I remember that coming out way earlier than that.

I don't know what to tell you, bro.

Yeah.

Fuck.

I got that A-rab money.

I'm sucking on a dick, babe, because I'm fucking gay.

Did you see that some Saudi hacked Jeff Bezos or shit?

Good.

I think that's how we got the cockpicks.

Shout out to the Saudis, dude.

Oh, I didn't see any of that.

Yeah, I think they are on a WeChat or some shit or

fucking

just sending his penis to the Washington Post.

I don't know.

They put some malware on his shit and they could take out pictures that are meant to embarrass him.

Yeah.

The Saudis are smart.

What if I was Woodhard and Bernstein?

You know, that's what he sends me.

He's like, oh, yeah, here's definitely.

Here's my penis.

Yeah, you know, I mean, the committee to re-elect the president's never seen pictures of my penis.

I wish I could do a Robert Redford impression.

Yeah, I was going to say, how does Robert Redford?

What's even a a fake one?

I don't know.

Have you ever...

Have you seen his penis?

Because he's from that era in Hollywood where everyone had that weird accent.

Talking kind of like this.

Yeah, you know, how people used to talk.

When men were men, but they were still, they talked gay, but they were still homophobic.

But that's not really, that's kind of like, that's more of like a newsy kind of yeah.

There's more that weird old-time Hollywood like the one word that that really like sticks in my head is the way they used to say children.

Yeah, all of my children.

Children.

Yeah.

When are the children coming in?

Children.

Children.

I like to watch pornography starring children.

Have you ever watched any of children pornography?

Mr.

Marcus, I ask you, have you ever watched any children pornography?

It's quite good, actually.

You want to think it.

Yeah, pray tell me.

Have you ever watched any children pornography?

Have you seen any videos of children having sex with each other?

Marcus, with a grown man.

Marcus, tell the children to come in here.

I've got the phot photographic equipment out and we're going to make some pornography of it.

Yeah, like a transatlantic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I don't yeah, I guess I never consider Bobby Redford.

Bobby Redcock.

Yeah, he's got like just, he just sounds normal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a man that probably got some good pussy in his era, dude.

Very much so.

Oh, yeah.

I'm child pornographer, Michael Douglas.

Hi.

do you think people were busting inside and probably they just had you just had to get risky abortions?

What do you mean?

Back back in the day, when Bobby Redford's a young man, you think they're pulling out?

They were also all having gay sex with each other.

Yeah, but they were also fucking women.

That was crazy, too.

It was just like James Dean was like, we should all fuck each other.

And then everyone was like, okay.

All right.

If you, if I mean, you're wearing a leather jacket, you're the cool guy.

So that's that's smart.

James Dean was probably gay, but he had to become cool.

He's just sucking like Marlon Brando's cock, and Marlon Brando's like, Why are you doing this?

What's the what are you doing this for?

What is this for?

He's like, I'm I'm just a rebel without a cause.

I have no reason to do it.

Damn, dude.

Nihilistically homosexual, James Dean.

He rode off on a motorcycle, but that had but on the seat, it had a dildo that he was sitting on.

Yeah.

You ever think of that?

That would be cool.

Kinda like the bike from South Park that Stan's dad had.

Yeah.

He puts in his ass.

I'm trying to think of other things to to say, ever.

What about um hmm, something to say?

I wanted to be with you alone.

Well, we did the ninja turtles.

What if we did?

Yes,

but traditions I can trace against the child in your face.

My penis is small and makes my dick real hard.

Do we have any ads this week?

No, nice.

You keep my penis hard with your system of touch.

And gentle persuasion.

You persuaded me to look at your penis.

Now I'm hard.

You fuck me in my ass, and now my penis is hard.

Ooh,

what song is that originally?

Head over heels by Tears for Fears.

Tears for Fears.

Yeah.

The only song I know.

Something happens at a time.

Oh, shit.

That part rocks.

Yeah, yeah.

That part goes off.

Head Over Heels.

Their other song is the sad song that everybody knows.

It's from Donnie Darko, right?

Yeah, well, I think both of those are in there.

Head Over Heels is in that movie.

And then

Pale Shelter

or Mad World.

Mad World.

All around me are much bigger penises,

hard as penises.

Tony penis.

Tiny penis.

Everybody tells me that I have a tiny penis.

Everybody laughs at my tiny penis.

Happy birthday.

All I wanted was a

car.

But the doctor said that they can't do it.

Well, then, what the fuck is this trans person packing night?

And I want to take my gun out and I want to

put it in my mouth.

If I killed this trans person, could I have the fucking gun?

Oh, fuck, just the lead singer of Tears for Fears, forcing a surgeon at gunpoint to cut off a trans person's cock.

Yeah, yeah.

It's the perfect crime, Mr.

Bond.

It doesn't really seem like a matter for my six.

Seems like more like a regional police officer should be handling this and not a British intelligence service.

It's a perfect crime, Mr.

Bond.

Mr.

Bond, you see, all it takes is a gun

and a hung trans person.

And the world's greatest surgeon, whom I've kidnapped.

And I will not give the antidote to the poison inserted into the ass.

The poison inserted into their ass, the antidote is injected into the tip of the penis of the trans person I have kidnapped.

And they have to put the penis on me, and then I'll get hard and fuck them in the ass

as a test to make sure the penis works.

So the only way they can live is if they do the surgery correct.

That's actually

brilliant.

If I'm being quite honest, of all the villains I've met, that is probably the tightest plan.

That one makes the most sense.

And there's not very many holes in it.

But again, this has nothing to do with me.

And I don't care.

Get get a new painter.

Yeah, go ahead.

Hey, go fucking nuts.

Just don't sell state secrets to the Russians.

That's all I care about.

I murdered seven people on the way in.

I just wanted to tell you the plan.

I don't care about some fucking doctor.

I was just trying to brag because I just thought it would be cool if you knew I had a big penis.

Yeah.

Well, that's great.

But I'm James Bond.

I've fucked 9 million people.

I could have no dick at this point, and it wouldn't matter.

It doesn't matter to me.

I'm over getting pussy.

I've gotten way too much pussy.

It has zero effect.

in fact maybe i'll fuck the hole left when you cut the trauma person's paint the only thing for me left to do is fucking help the english government destroy the world

oh fuck dude shouts out to sean connery

the fun the funny he was wearing a wig during being bombed oh yeah

i'm going wigs dude Yeah, it's crazy because it's like, it used to be like fucking in the middle of the last century, guys had it made because there was like this shit that sucks.

And it's like, first of all, we're not even touching the dick size thing.

Women aren't allowed to talk about it.

No, they do that.

You're not allowed to come.

You're not allowed to come.

You don't get to know that there's a difference.

And then it's like, if you were bald, they're like, yeah, just put a fucking wig on.

And that's normal.

If anybody makes fun of you, we get you can kill them.

And then fucking in the eighties, it started to be this thing where like, he's wearing a piece.

And it's like, yeah, he's fucking bald.

Would you make fun of somebody in a wheelchair?

And then there was a weird window where there were people

where you could.

You'd be like, Look at this guy.

He's in a fucking wheelchair.

And it's like, maybe, okay, well,

you can actually

get it out of your system.

But then we're bringing the wigs back.

If you get wheelchairs, we get wigs.

It's as simple as that.

Yeah.

I love all the things they ding Donald Trump for.

There's all these like pathetic liberal dudes that have to be like, yeah, get him, girls.

And like, all of those same things are true about them.

They're like, yeah, nice, shitty hair, and you're small dick, and you're fat.

You're not good at fucking.

You're not good at fucking.

They're like,

you're so right, ladies.

Can I have, can I smell the pussy?

Can I just smell the piece of it?

May I have just.

If I agree, can I just look at a pussy?

Can you put a stamp on your pussy and then seal a letter and then just mail it really far away?

And I'll go there and get the letter and then smell the stamp.

is that okay is that okay I want to I would just need your affirmative consent just please sign all of this paperwork that I had printed out by paid a girl lawyer 80 million dollars to draft these consent contracts so that you I could smell your pussy stamps

If I could please, because if you notice, I have liked and retweeted all of your disses.

Every diss you've ever made.

All of your goods.

And then I put a gif of a black woman nodding under it also.

I put, yeah, of Lizzo being fat

because she's so beautiful.

And can I please just blow a kiss at your titty?

Can I please just blow a single kiss at one of your beautiful boobs?

Get lost, worm, pig.

You fucking loser.

I don't owe you anything.

I don't know, madam.

I wasn't saying you owe me anything.

I know.

I'm that much of a loser.

I just, I feel like I respect you so much.

I would just love it if maybe you could describe one of your pubes to me.

Or maybe have a guy that you fuck describe it.

That's okay, too.

He could jot down a note on a post-it note, and then I could read the description and masturbate to it.

And I could quietly masturbate the description of one of your pubic hairs.

My liege.

Ah, fuck, dude.

Yeah.

It is nice to know that there's even bigger fucking losers out there.

Which is insane because I feel like such a fucking pathetic piece of shit.

You know?

Yep.

Like, you don't, like, who feels good?

You know what I mean?

Just like if you're hot and stupid.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

That's why I'm going to take my beautiful brain.

Right.

I'm like processing a breakup by sitting in the bathroom watching fucking Civil War cannon videos

trying to shit because I haven't been able to eat anything but chips.

Ooh, what kinds?

Whatever.

You know, tortilla or.

The plain tortilla with no sauce is a depressed move.

Yeah.

I do that all the time.

No salsa.

Like no dipping sauce.

They're not Doritos.

Salsa.

Yeah.

Salsa, cheese, any kind of any kind of accoutrement.

To be eating a naked

yeah, tortilla tortilla, that's a depressed person right there.

Yeah, I did that.

I did a lot a lot.

Yeah, I did that.

A lot, that's about making my own fried pickles.

Okay.

If that motherfucker shot got me sick before tour, I'm about to fuck his ass.

I'm gay, and I get people sick.

I'm Barack Obama.

I have the stomach flu.

Speaking of Barack Obama, have you watched any of American Factory on Netflix?

What is that?

It's great.

What is it?

It's wild.

I don't know.

I think that's one of the things Obama produced.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it's about this factory in Ohio that got bought by a Chinese company.

Oh, shit.

And so they brought in all the supervisors from China and there's Chinese people running the factory.

And then it's just like poor people from Ohio working there.

Damn.

And then, like, you know, they took out their break.

They got rid of their break room and turned it into another production office.

A place to make play ping pong for the moments.

They turned it into more production area and then put up all these TVs that just have like Chinese propaganda playing.

And then fucking, yeah, there's there's like clips of like the the Chinese like managers like training their their supervisors and they're like uh Americans are like and it's all in Chinese they're like Americans they're you know they're they have in their culture they're like rewarded for just participating a lot as children so they're very overconfident but they're very stupid and weak and they're like and they don't they don't work well unless you know you compliment them even for doing like basic stuff you know they're like and then he goes the donkey likes to be touched in the direction of its hair You see what I'm saying?

You do you always pet a donkey in the direction of its hair.

So we have to coax them and work with them because we're better than them.

Incredible, dude.

Yeah.

The Chinese really are starting, dude.

The takeover's happening.

Well, but it's like, you know, it's like, I I I I I don't know.

It's it's funny because it's an intersection of all this shit that's like

I don't know.

I mean, I have to I I don't wanna get into like point-makey

territory, but yeah, I mean, it's like it is yeah, it's just wild.

It's f it's it's crazy to watch.

Why don't you make ye, why don't you

make ye my dick hard?

Okay.

Why don't you make the point of my dick hard?

Yeah.

I would love to fucking knowing facts, ass bitch, about the Chinese.

Talking dirty, and you're like, my dick is so pointy right now.

Bitch, come on.

I'm pointing.

Touch that fucking needle tip.

I'm pointing.

Damn, it's like my dick knows there's a dead duck a hundred yards ahead.

It's in your pussy yeah there's a dead duck in your pussy

i wish my dick had ears

like big bassethound ears on the head perk up when you're hard no like big floppy bassethound ears on the head

that'd be cool no here's what i want yeah your dick gets hard but your balls perk up like big floppy ears yeah like a dog's heard something i wish my balls were at the tip of my dick you know yes like a big chin

and you stuff those in the pussy or what uh yeah sure okay well the pussy's got a you once you get to the back.

It's got a ball

depository.

There's like a yeah, there's a ball

and then it seizes up and then it rips your balls off.

And that's how you get it.

And you only fuck once.

You only fuck once.

Yes.

And then the balls are eggs and those get turned into people.

And then you just two sons.

You just sort of bleed out while playing PlayStation in some bitch's living room.

And then people come over and they're like, ooh, somebody got lucky and there's just a dead body.

So a giant pool of blood coming from the crotch.

And you're pregnant?

They're pregnant.

They're pregnant with twins.

Yeah.

One for each nut.

Uh-huh.

And just women are going around doing that all day long.

Damn.

Yeah.

Okay, I'm going to get the egg.

I got the balls scooped out so I could fuck again.

Yeah.

And now I've killed a thousand people.

Yeah, you're right, dude.

That would be tight.

That would be awesome.

We would just die.

Yeah.

So you wouldn't even, there would be no way to jack off?

No, you could beat off.

You wouldn't rip your own balls off.

Would you come from the front of your balls?

Yeah, it's the same thing.

Oh, okay, it's the same thing.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Yeah.

So girls could suck your dick like kind of like they eat corn cops.

And in Africa, they would surgically remove your balls at birth so that you can fuck as much as you want and you never die.

I love that.

You know, but you can never have children?

Children.

I would make that trade-off incre immediately.

Immediately.

Yeah, well, they would do it to babies.

And then I don't know where they would get new African people.

I guess the tanning salon.

No.

I think if you cut the ball, in this scenario, if you cut someone's balls off, baby balls,

or no, you'd have to cut them off when they mature.

So that way you cut them off at puberty, and then you feed those 13-year-old nuts into a pussy.

Yeah.

It's sort of like in vitro fertilization.

Yeah.

In that sense.

Yeah.

Or how about this?

If you didn't want to die and you wanted to have kids, you could beat off into synthetic nut sacks

and fill fill them with cum and put those in the pussy.

I just want to be able to fly.

I think that would be tight.

And with the balls help with that?

With the shoe balls?

No, I was just thinking about different ways to modify

my body.

Fly would be cool, but you never think about...

You'd have to wear like a suit because you'd never think about the wind fucking factor.

What do you mean?

How cold it is?

If you're flying, it's cold as shit and you're going at high speeds.

Maybe it rips your skin off.

Oh, yeah.

You know?

No one thinks about that when it comes to flying.

It rips your skin off.

I was thinking more like a Neo thing where I just sort of bend space around me.

Ah, I was thinking, yeah, I see.

You know, you compressed it.

You can move around wherever you like.

Yeah.

They got Matrix 4 coming out, dude.

Do they?

Yeah.

That's got to suck.

But Agent Smith isn't coming back, dude.

Yeah.

Me, me, me.

You know why I don't like it here, Morpheus?

That's the line from the classic line from the movie.

Because it smells bad.

Mm-hmm.

because you people smell bad yeah that's a weird sound more if he's like what yeah

are you being racist

i i hate it here it smells like lotion do you really constantly air you're breathing right now

what

i said do you think no i heard you i just boy i'm confused

Does he say that?

Is it not air?

Yeah, that's when that dojo scene where he's like, stop trying to hit me and hit me.

You know.

Oh.

And he's like, You really think that's air you're breathing right?

You know.

You remember that?

Not really.

Yeah.

It's not air, it's my vaporized cum.

You have to free your mind.

But becoming severely mentally ill.

That's a bad message for anybody that's struggling.

True.

Anybody out there in the...

If you're out there and you're listening to us and you're you're struggling.

You're struggling.

Please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline and pretend to be an Indian person.

Don't do that.

As an an experiment to see.

Oh, okay, see if they get fair treatment.

See if they get fair treatment.

So it's not

you know what?

I might actually do that.

I'm gonna call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline and be like, I have I might have a bad day.

I think they were.

And then they immediately put me on the phone with somebody to speak Spanish.

And I'm like, um I n I just have this accent.

I s I'm speaking a Spanish.

I forgot how to speak Spanish.

I'm so depressed.

Because I'm too sad to remember.

You know, depression is memory loss also.

And then the other guy is just like,

oh, speaking of the Chinese, we got a new fucking virus.

That's more of a Japanese.

That was Japanese, for sure.

That's right.

What?

Yeah, that's a type of food, isn't it?

Alright, yeah, sure.

Onagiri.

Yes.

Adam's over there eating Japanese breakfast.

Adam is over there eating Japanese breakfast.

Feeling pretty good about himself.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I can definitely see Adam become a guy that goes to Japan a lot.

Yeah.

For the

P-U-S-S one.

We're sorry, Mr.

Friedland.

We could not find a pussy small enough for you.

We do not have a lot of people.

Even here in Japan.

We do not have a Bebere pussy that is.

The Bebere Pusseru is

sold out.

One of Japan's oldest traditions is letting a Jewish man fucker the tiny baby

and in exchange uh his friends get to laugh about it back home.

And there was one year when we didn't uh let uh America do this, and that year was uh nineteen forty five

and uh we learned uh the lesson there.

Ever since hints at that time.

Ever since then, every year we let a Jewish man come because he has to be Jewish because it balances out uh the whole

history that was the secret broker deal at the end of World War II.

America agrees to take all of Germany's Jews and put them in New York.

So now they it's their problem.

But in exchange,

once a year, one of the Jews comes to rape a Japanese baby.

And

Germany is

the women become fat.

I guess

that's the punishment.

They have fat

titties.

Maybe very big, but they're also very fat.

Very fat.

Weird moles on their big fat titties.

And that is the trade-off in Germany.

And Italians all turn out to be gay and they want to fuck the mother.

And the Italians are gay.

Wow, Emperor Hirohito, why are you telling us all this?

Why are you just spilling the beans?

Adam talking to a Japanese baby, like, wow, this is pretty cool.

Good, cool fit.

Oh, you're from Kyoto?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I've been there.

That's really funny.

You should be an actress.

you could do it i seriously think you could do it no i'm not with you

i'm serious i'm not fucking with you everyone

you have a beautiful singing voice

wow

yeah i was like

i think i'm in love

Anyways, I'll be out in the garage.

Okay, thanks.

See ya.

All right.

See you, family.

Who's that?

A little attitude from you, Ricky?

You're putting a little stink on it?

God damn it.

God damn it.

Where did he go?

Has anyone seen my peanut butter puffins?

I'm trying to have a man's breakfast.

Has anybody seen my peanut butter muffins and my Yoohoos?

Yes, I'm going to pour Yoohoos, individual Yoohoos, into a bowl and eat cereal with them.

I need problems.

I need my salad mixing bowl, two gallons of milk, and then some

brownie mix.

I'm coming up with a cereal out there.

Don't tell anyone about it.

I don't want people to know.

I don't want people stealing my idea to come up with a new cereal.

Oh, by the way, I'm going to need $12,000.

Yeah, my plan is...

It's a good idea.

It's a good idea.

I've made a better version of Captain Crunch that's just Cocoa Krispies.

But it's Captain Crunch.

So I'm going to bring it to them and they're going to.

They'll buy it.

They'll be forced to.

Yeah, they'll be forced to because I spent three years working on this.

And in my mind,

that's how the world works.

That's how things are just basic just.

That's just how things work, is that if you put the effort forward, you're bound to be rewarded for it.

And you're definitely, you shouldn't just be spending what little money you have on therapy

instead of ingredients.

Ingredients for your new cereal.

For your new cereal.

We get this is Captain Crunch, but it's sweeter.

It's sweeter.

Yeah, right now the prototype is I add a couple tablespoons of sugar to it.

The problem with Captain Crunch is that, oh no, I haven't even looked to see if it's profitable.

The problem with Captain Crunch as it stands is that the uniform that Captain Crunch is wearing isn't accurate.

It's not what an actual captain would wear.

So I've hired actually an artist, and

they're on a tainter $10,000 a week.

But they are finding an actual

naval uniform.

Yeah, what it is, is now the box of cereal comes with an actual naval uniform.

It's a cut-out character on the front of the box.

It's an actual naval uniform that you can touch, and it's made out of dangerous chemicals.

It's made out of chemicals you can only buy in Sweden.

You can only buy them in Sweden.

And if you're here, you need a large warning that says that they cause carcinogens on the outside of the box.

But the good news is, in the Bolivian market,

you're totally fine to do that.

And it tastes just like real cereal.

But it's three times more expensive.

But it's three times more expensive.

But it's sweeter, and there it does have a nice uniform.

And I need $12,000.

Okay,

another check for $12,000, Nick.

If you'll go away.

Thank you, Ricky.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And i'll be out of your hand and i'm gonna get out of here

your once boyfriend ricky who bankrolls your life for some reason

damn we should all be so lucky man yeah all right well i'm gonna think we should put bow on it there well let me plug my dates guys if you're coming out please come see me um next week fucking milwaukee uh Appleton, Chicago, 31st and the 1st.

And then the week after that, Rhode Island, the comedy connection, 6th, 6th, 7th, and 8th.

And then we got hyenas in Texas, Valentine's Day weekend, D.C., weekend of the 20th and 21st.

And then I'm in fucking Phoenix and Tucson in London.

But yeah, come see us.

Let us know.

Let me know how bad your life's going.

All right.

Bye, guys.

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