Ep. 190 – Lyin Liz

Fuck me in my ass hole.

If I could only get fucked in my penis

by a pussy

That wouldn't make me gay be a pussy

Not gay, I just wish that pussies looked like a dick

I just wish you could suck

a pussy And put it in your ass.

The way you suck a penis, but it's not a guy's dear.

I just like the way it looks.

I like the aesthetic, but I am straight.

But on a more substantive level, I still imagine that it's a pussy.

When I jack off gender,

gender isn't real.

Gender isn't real, but I am straight.

I'm straight.

There's no such thing as orientation, but I'm a straight guy.

And I love women.

I just wish

that women aren't real, but I want to fuck them.

I want to fuck them, but they're not real.

No such thing as orientation.

It's gender.

They're like, Mark, so you studied music in college?

Yeah, when we sent him off, he liked math, and he came back doing that after going to the Berkeley School of Music.

More like the fucking pussy school of being

a fucking bitch, the pussy school of being a bitch.

Have we started the show?

Yes,

I sure hope so.

Yes, that song was awesome.

Yeah, yeah, so you got that on

suck my balls, my dick is small, my dick is small, my dick is small,

Suck my balls.

Gay!

Gay!

Gay!

Suck my dick.

Gay!

My dick is small!

My dick is small,

so are my balls.

I am gay,

my dick is small.

Gay!

Gay!

That's a new parody we're working on.

Suck my fuck.

See if you can figure out what that one is.

Yeah, that's going to take a little while.

I didn't even know what the fuck it was before before we watched.

You were just hanging out.

No, we watched.

Oh, we can't do it.

We can't say what it was.

Well, we'll probably give it it up.

It was a little video by someone named Adam Friedland Sr.

You know that Jews don't name people after living people.

Is that true?

Yeah.

Is that why they made up the Holocaust because they ran out of names?

And they were like, we need to pretend six million of us are dead because now

we've hit peak Jew.

Too many names.

There's 35 guys named Benjamin and Ezra.

Well, you can't name it after a living relative.

So if someone else has that name, you can still have it.

Why is that in your family?

I don't know, some gay-ass shit Jews in there.

They actually wanted to give Adam his sister's name before she was born.

Well, she was born.

I gave my sister her middle name.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, because I love some girl named Jessica.

You were two years old.

Yeah.

No, I was three.

And in my pre-K, there was this girl named Jessica.

My mom is pregnant.

I was like, can you please name her Jessica?

She's, I want to fuck.

And she was like, why?

And I was like, I just.

I'm trying to smash.

I was like, I just, I, I was like, I can't explain why, but just please do it.

My dick is bad.

And I just wouldn't shut the fuck up about it.

So then they made it her middle name.

Wow, that's how annoying you were as a baby.

I wish we had solo

here.

That's a baby.

My dick is small.

Actually, yeah, throw the effect.

Let's open up the pod with some effects.

Just doing that for a sec.

I'm getting some.

My dick is small.

My dick is small.

By the way to bend pitch and shit.

Yeah, that would be awesome.

Dude, we should get it.

We should eventually.

Look, if we ever hit $100,000 a month, which probably won't happen.

Will not happen.

That's not growth is slowed to trickle.

Thanks.

You got your spreadsheets out, Adam?

Yep.

Please don't scratch up my glasses.

No, I wasn't scratching them.

I just wanted to see if it was magnetic.

I just wanted to see if it was magnetic, the magnetic part.

Fidget.

I was just doing a science.

I I was doing an anti-science experiment.

I wasn't putting it onto the lenses.

I was putting it onto the screw to see if the screw was magnetized.

Scratching at the lenses.

I was not scratching.

I didn't have a view.

I can't tell.

I don't know who it is.

Very diplomatic stuff.

As always, very diplomatic.

That's why you're starting this off.

Contentious.

It's not contentiously like

Swiss rolls.

Because of the hot chocolate.

There's other reasons.

Swiss rolls.

Swiss rolls.

Are they the ones that have chocolate?

I'm not that big of a check.

Cheese we have to have sex with.

What if that was

the original picture of Swiss cheese?

He's like, look, I've done it's cheese, but you can fuck it.

If it was soft.

Much of the problem with cheese is that we've always wanted to.

There's nowhere for your penis.

We've always wanted to fuck the cheese.

As a concept, cheese you can fuck, I like.

Taste-wise, I don't like Swiss cheese that much.

It looks like that.

They had regular cheese, and then the Nazis were firing at all, the Von Trapp family.

That's right.

As they were escaping across the sea.

They were escaping, and all these are all bullet holes in the cheese.

That is true.

It's a nice joke.

Maybe you can tell that one to your father when you go see him.

Yeah, I might.

You guys are going to.

Not you, I mean, in general.

I'm speaking to the audience now.

Yeah, tell your dad about cheese you can fuck.

Tell your dad about cheese you can fuck.

Well, I meant the von Von Trapp.

Yeah.

Do you think their dads listen to musicals?

You calling their dads gay?

Yeah.

Whoa.

Every listener to the show has a gay father.

That would be awesome if every listener we had had a gay dad, but wasn't gay necessarily.

Honestly, I think having two dads would be great.

No, two moms.

I think two moms.

Two moms is what you want.

What?

I knew a guy with two moms that were both like military legislators.

Yeah, yeah.

Think about that, though.

That's what you get.

Both of his moms, which isn't

necessarily two dads, he wouldn't acknowledge it either.

He wouldn't acknowledge it either.

He would always just say that the second mom was his mom's roommate.

Oh, damn.

And both the moms look like the guy from Doom.

In the middle of the screen.

Wait, not Duke Nukem?

No, not Duke Nukem.

I mean, they're close enough, but more the guy from Doom.

I guess they kind of look like the Doom guy and Duke Nukem in a relationship.

Imagine that they were roommates.

That's what I'm saying, right?

Think about what gay guys are like.

If you had two gay guys as your dads, they'd probably be the best dads ever.

No.

They'd probably make sure you're always looking fresh.

How funny is that to be like you have adult sons and you're still telling them we're roommates?

You're still lying.

But that's, I don't want that.

I don't want repressed military moms.

I want

two fine-ass moms.

Two fucking hot ass moms with big ass titties.

There was actually

on the cheese.

There was that guy, Lucas Connelly.

There was that guy Lucas Connolly that did comedy in New York.

I don't know if he's still around?

Yeah, Lucas is around.

I just haven't seen him.

I probably haven't seen that guy in like house.

To be fair, you don't leave the house.

I don't leave the house.

But so I'm just saying, I don't know.

Yeah.

But he has a couple of.

Yeah, he's got two moms.

But I always got the impression they were like, you know, kind of like, like, you know, like hippie dice.

Yeah, yeah, I would take that.

No, two moms, they're always pushing you in sports.

They're like lesbians.

I want dads with a feminine little fucking

twist.

What I want is two lesbian moms that hate me and make me feel bad about having a penis.

That's good.

Yeah, that's the best solution.

That's the thing.

I think gay men should be allowed to have kids, but lesbian women, there should be a more strict process.

That's what I'm saying.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

I couldn't disagree more vehemently than you, with you two.

I don't know.

I'm pretty hit or miss with that.

I think gay men, two dads, great setup.

That's what I'm saying.

Almost perfect.

Two gay dads, they're probably, they do such a great thing.

Gay lesbians, they resent you.

They pay attention to every detail.

Two women should be able to raise a daughter.

That's exactly what I was saying.

Like, I think two gay men can raise a daughter or a son, but two lesbian women should only be allowed to have girls.

I want two moms.

I want two moms to love me and hug me.

But you don't get that kind of mom.

You're just multiplying your own.

Yes, that is what

your mother is.

Because I'm not homophobic.

What you want because that is the kind of thing.

We're not exist.

Two nice moms exist.

No.

You guys are being homophobic.

And by also stereotyping two gay guys being a fan of the music

that know fashion and are cute.

Like lesbians have the same domestic violence rate as police officers.

I don't know.

It's up there.

I mean, I know that they're like, you know, it's like, of course I can feed my wife.

I'm a woman.

I don't know.

I'm not going to be able to do that.

I think there's also

domestic violence in the gay community, too.

No.

I think there is.

No, for sure.

That's just boxing.

That's just doing

that's just two alphas in the fucking ring, dude.

That's how they stay fit.

They fucking shadow box each other.

No, they have a good time.

First of all,

there's never any kind of domestic.

Really, honestly, two gay men marrying each other, that's sort of the ideal pair bonding partnership.

Oh, my God.

It's incredible.

I'm going to get married to my friend George, I think.

Yeah.

Imagine you and George raising a kid.

George would pay attention to every single fucking detail.

Yeah, but I would be a bad father.

You'd be a bad dad.

No, I would be cool.

If he would be the mom, I would be the dad.

George would be the mom for sure.

That's true.

I thought about that.

Why can't you just raise a child with your boys and then you guys have girls that you fuck on the side?

Yeah, three men and a baby style, dude.

That'd be awesome.

They should just let us teach a college class.

We're talking about life right now.

For real, dude.

Why can't I raise a fucking kid with like my boys?

And that includes women.

Your boys can be women, by the way.

Like, I would love to raise a child with me, George, Christina, Eldis.

We all take turns being a parent.

You know what I'm saying?

We live in a big house.

We all have one floor.

The baby gets a good room.

Yeah, I'm like the, the, like, we raise it, but teach it things also.

Adam is math and finance.

Mm-hmm.

You're bad at that setting.

Stop is home ec and I'm wood shop.

Yeah, exactly.

That is kind of a nice nice setup.

Yeah.

And then as they grow up, I teach it pussy eating.

Yeah.

How do you know you're better at pussy eating?

I know from you.

He just assumes that he is because he's fat.

It's true.

But it's not let him have

to.

I'm not the smallest dick.

You don't have to let me have anything.

Let him have the pussy eating.

First of all, I have no problem with the size of my fingers.

Okay.

And that doesn't even really matter, as I've been told by women that are lying to me because they love me.

Okay.

So I don't need, I don't even mind.

I'm the only one.

Listen,

you know how you can tell I'm the best pussy eater?

Because I'm the best listener.

But, like, you two are always looking for your own shot.

You're Kobe.

But if I'm a point guarder.

Bullshit, dude.

I'm good at listening.

I just choose to ignore people.

That's even worse.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

If I had to listen.

Yeah, because you have a choice.

No, here's the thing.

It's like, if my job is worse.

Shut up.

If my job was to

remember everything.

You're not listening.

You don't listen.

That's what I'm not listening.

You end up just repeating things.

But I don't have a choice, and that's the point.

He's got a disability.

I have a disability.

You choose not to do it.

So you're fundamentally incapable.

We're talking about pussy eating still.

You're fundamentally incapable of it.

If my job was to sit down.

Pussy eating?

Yeah.

No, he's right.

Sitting here and listening to something, and at the end of the show, if you guys didn't come, then I'd be accused of rape.

Yeah.

Then no, because

at a certain point.

I would be able to repeat everything that was fucking said.

No, because at a certain point, your nature of not really wanting to listen, even though you're capable, would kick in.

Sure, maybe the first few times, but me, I can't help but listen.

It's like

all I can do.

Oh, you're talking about long-term.

Yes.

I'm talking about it.

You would do it once or twice.

No, I'm on some side.

And then it would take a long time.

I'm on some five easy pieces shit where it's like, yeah, of course I know how to play the piano.

There it's not.

Right, right.

I did it.

Yes.

You have to.

Exactly.

Ergo, I win this debate, and I teach our son.

Okay, but just as an aside, just as an aside, I don't think it's good parenting.

I would be traumatized if my father tried to teach me.

Yeah, but you're thinking traditional fucking nuclear family bullshit.

This is the kind of shit we're friends with.

This is the kind of family shit.

He's our boy.

He's our youngest boy.

This is the kind kind of shit that would need to be resolved by matters of

public debate and vote.

Yes.

Whether or not you don't need to.

We need a quorum.

Yeah, we do need quorum.

Air all of these in the public forum in the middle of the house.

It's the floor that's.

We have to follow Robert's rules.

It's a 13-level building, and one of the floors, there's a freeze on the outside.

So

the windows.

That's cool.

And there's a tunnel so that sunlight comes in from the top of the building and it's reflected in the room with mirrors.

Yes.

And the debate debate only lasts as long as noon.

Well, not the golden hour.

Or the golden hour.

The golden shower.

The golden shower.

Yeah, we're all naked in this.

And we're all pissing.

And whoever runs out of piss first loses the debate.

Oh, that's where I got you because I got slow competition.

I have the worst flow of all of us.

Okay.

I think I have a fucked up.

I've got a huge bladder.

Interesting.

But I got

to piss once every nine days.

It's going to be death by a thousand cuts for me because I'm going to drip slowly while you guys let it fucking rock.

I just got a little dribble of fucking after I saw the irony.

The best part is we have the boy to clean up the mess.

We can just go to lunch.

Michael, come in here.

We've decided we're going to teach you pussy eating.

Anyways, clean up the piss.

We got to have a snack.

We're exhausted.

Daddy's got to go get some fucking steampunk Chinese food.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that was cool.

That's cool.

That was actually cool.

I liked it.

Yeah.

Shout out to what was it called?

Mission?

Mission Chinese.

It was like if Grimes had a Chinese food store.

Yeah, the Blacklight Chinese food.

I like how you guys both left the table and left me there, and you're like, well, we don't want them to think we're dining dashing.

So it's like, okay, I guess I'll.

No, you hold it down.

I thought you guys split it.

You hold it down until we come back.

Thank you, Nick.

Publicly, I'd like to publicly.

I would have paid for it anyways.

But, like,

no, no, I had to pay for it.

I got Nick breakfast that day.

We're not.

No, it's a round robin.

I just don't feel good about getting stuck with an $800 China Japanese.

It's a round robin.

You got Mike's diner.

First of all, we split Mike's diner.

Okay, no, no, we went to Pilar for breakfast that time.

But also, you want to, if like, we're really getting into it.

Dude, we're a couple of Chelsea faggots, dude.

Just talking about all the rest of the restaurants.

You got to think about how much the plane ticket costs, and that's based on fuel costs.

And they knew you were on that plane and raised

down the average cost of fuel price.

No.

Because one ticket for you, you weigh an extra $600.

I bought the tickets at the same time.

They all cost the same.

You've bought them at the same time.

No.

We all bought them at the same time.

Same as in a file.

No, it's not.

There's no.

You're on the too fat to fly list.

There's no

I fly all the time.

Yeah.

There's no such list.

Yeah.

There are people that are like going from New York to Washington and they're like, the ticket's $9,000?

I'm just shrutting into my red, white, and blue jumpsuit.

You're on a jumpsuit.

kicking some fucking baby in the back of the head.

Never a baby.

An old bitch, yes.

I love babies on planes, and I empathize with you.

Well, because you are

absolutely interrupting your Vienna sausage dinner.

I don't have Vienna.

I eat very well, thank you.

Whatever they give to you on the plane,

I bring my own snacks.

The funniest part of the Australia trip is something that can never be recreated for people on the show, which was the watermelon thing.

No, don't.

Oh, yeah, don't.

Don't start laughing about it.

We can't

say that.

Don't even say it.

I hope no one even heard it.

No, stop it.

No, no, no, no.

Stop it.

It was a beat, it was a pobe, a slam poe.

What makes it funny is how shitty of a piece of watermelon.

It was a bad fruit salad.

It was just the most pathetic.

The joke is, it was really bad.

We were playing a character that was excited.

That's all that needs to be said.

That's too much.

No, no, no.

That's all we're going to say.

Girls.

It could have been an Indian man.

It could have been a Japanese woman.

They had to do it with a woman.

No.

Maybe we did different types of people.

We did a series of characters.

We did a series of characters.

They were all represented and they all were excited about different

street fighter.

We went around the world.

We don't pull punches.

Yeah.

We did Blanca.

We did a Blanca.

What was Blanca?

He's a monster.

No, he was a scientist that got fucked up by an experiment.

Oh, he was a Hulk.

Wow, and he was green, too.

Yeah.

They really stole their shit.

Yeah, but he didn't have the purple shorts, dude.

Yeah, but he had red hair.

That was pretty cool.

He had cool hair.

The Hulk did not have cool hair.

Wait, he was a Brazilian?

Wasn't he from Brazil?

Yeah, what do you think Brazilians have science?

You fucking racist?

I don't.

They came up with unlimited steakhouses.

That's scientific.

Okay.

Damn, I could go for some steak.

Yes.

We were talking about fucking ribeye the other day.

I didn't think I had a bad.

You're still wearing sweats.

I'm wearing the same sweats.

I didn't think I.

I had pants in my car.

You know where I want to go?

There's a steakhouse in Williamsburg, Destefano's.

We should have gone there next time.

Okay.

Next time to celebrate.

Next thing we have to celebrate.

Or the next sorrow we have to forget, whichever one.

Well, now that we're

a couple of lone wolves, we should start going out to dinner.

Start going out to dinner more often.

Yeah, doing things again.

Getting fucking wearing suits.

Going to the Yankees games.

We honestly should go to a game.

Yeah, we should.

You fucking, yeah.

You can't, you got to stop wearing.

Dude, I feel so powerful in this hat.

That is fucking good.

I can't even explain it.

You should follow the Doobie Brothers reunion, Torrey.

I would love to go on the road.

Dude, let's go and just get sucked off by 62-year-old women, dude.

Yes.

We should publicly advertise that Cometown is attaching itself to the Doobie Brothers.

Oh, featuring.

We will just, yeah, featuring.

We're not even going to go into the concert.

We'll just be in the lot, dude.

We'll buy tickets to all of the shows and then, yes, tailgate and do a live podcast in the fucking lot.

I'm not kidding.

That sounds like a lot of fun.

The Doobie Brothers.

And it's called Doobie Brothers 2.

Yes.

Yes, Doobie Brothers 2.

Come Town 2.

Wait, are they back together?

Dumb Brothers 2.

Yeah, they're doing a 50.

With Michael McDonald?

The whole gang.

Wow.

We got to go.

Yeah.

By the way, we're not doing live podcasts anywhere.

We're recording them.

You can't.

In the car.

The closest it comes to here is Mohegan's son.

Okay.

I love Mohegan's son.

I'm thinking a little.

I think a little.

Let's get our uncut gems on.

Hell yeah.

Do a parlay.

We should get that penthouse A

where that guy is staying.

That guy.

And we should try and see how much it would cost to have sex with Julie Fox,

the actress who played.

I understand she's a married woman.

Not that I look into it.

He seemed to have a blonde adult man, which is, you know.

Blonde?

Yeah, you can't.

Fuck that, dude.

The man doesn't stand a chance against

us.

Nah, dude, the Voltron of pussy

pussy that we are kind of guy.

Yeah.

Dude.

You eat the pussy the first time correctly, then Stav comes in to close it out.

That's right.

I'm the close.

I'm Mariana Rivera.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm about to make that video.

Intersend.

Strong opener.

Yep, starting pitcher.

Adam's the relief guy that almost blows it.

I'm the middle reliever.

I don't have what it takes to close the game because I don't know enough slurs.

And I do the fucking for all three of us, and Adam hangs out afterwards to talk to her.

Well, I don't know about all that.

I get the fuck also.

Yeah, a little bit, and then I'm the closer for the fucking.

Okay, all right, that's fine.

I'll open up the fucking.

Okay.

So if I'm the conversation.

I close the push eating, open the fucking.

Adam's outside making us all

post-game emotional.

No, if I'm talking to her, if I'm having a conversation with her afterwards, then I'm the closer.

Okay?

Because that's, to me, part of sex.

It's a great conversation.

That's how I feel.

That's true.

Yeah, sure.

However you want to feel about it.

No, you're right.

Listen, guys, I just am happy to be on the team.

I'm happy to be wearing the same uniform.

The thing is, it's about getting the W as a team.

You get a ring, anyways.

You get a ring.

A cockroach.

We all have matching cockrings, diamond-encrusted cockrings.

For every time we fuck a girl together, we buy ourselves.

A good time,

fuck.

every time.

Oh, speaking of fucking a girl together, if you need to get your dick card, check out Blue Chew.com.

Oh, my God.

Check out Bluechew.com because if you love sex, you'll love Blue Chew.com.

Absolutely.

What it is, it's a website that has doctors that are hiding behind the pages.

That's right.

And they've got little glory holes cut out in the pages where you can speak your pronouns to them.

Speak your pronouns to me.

Say them correctly, or your dick will not get hard.

Enter.

Speak your pronouns.

You must have the right pronouns or you will not cross the bridge.

If you cannot answer the pronoun question.

Yeah, I gotta say, man.

I'm back on the Blue Chew.

After being in a relationship where my dick was getting hard through love, now

I use chemicals.

And it honestly works better, my penis now.

I'll say

you know sure sometimes that I don't come because it's like a weird chemical, but I'm gonna have an article.

I'm gonna have to get back on the on the dole, yeah, dude.

I just I just requested a nice shipment coming in.

They ship them to you.

They got options where it's like, I mean, it almost seems irresponsible, but they're like, do you want 90 pills in 30 days?

Yeah, and it's like, sure.

Yeah, fuck it.

I don't give a fuck.

Money doesn't matter to me.

But they do have an option where you can get a pill a day.

So if you want to fuck every single day, and you can get 30.

Here's the thing from a little champ, from a little, listen, and this is not in the read.

This is just comes from real life experience.

The fakes, the Tadalanophil, the fake sialis, that'll last you about three days.

86 hours.

That'll last you about three days, I would say.

I'd say a day and a half to three days.

I would say three.

And even towards the end, you'll randomly get a hard dick here and there on the fourth day just doing regular chores.

So you don't even need all fucking 30 days.

And especially.

I was like, I got to clean up all these pictures of guys I have yeah you know when you're fucking mopping up your gay porn collection you're polishing it and you'll just get randomly hard because of a pill dude I just appreciate the sonic quality yeah my

picture of Search sucking a dick

well at least at the very least yeah after you know

but in Viagra if you take the fake Viagra which I don't know what it's called yeah it's like eight hours or something right that that'll give you a nice hard cock I've never fucked with that one I've I listen in pre-blue chew when i was out there just scavenging for whatever there was and it was unsafe and there was not doctoral you were breaking into the retirement i was breaking into retirement i was i had a fucking you had a howitzer everybody put it to a fucking element

everybody talks about the aids crisis years for the gay community but something that's like not talked about is the okay go off the broken dick years yeah that's right before blue chew that's right before there were cool options and it's like you know i felt honestly back then i felt like matthew mcconaughey in that movie about stealing AIDS medicine or whatever.

Dallas Boners.

Dallas Boners.

Yeah, Dallas Boners Club.

I was fucking buying, I was Venmoing guys, and they were like, please put it's for lunch or something.

Because he was stealing.

He was getting scanned.

He was stealing chemicals from the lab he worked.

Anyway, and I was getting very bad headaches.

And one time I almost passed out, but I had the hardest dick of my life.

I will say that.

But that's, you don't have to worry about that with Blue Chew.com

because Bluechew.com has doctors that ask you questions.

True, true, true.

And they do a thorough motherfucking thing.

A real medical doctor.

And if they ask to see your cock, that's normal.

And you'll want to fucking.

So listen, fucking sign up,

say you don't have heart pain if they ask that.

And get as many

psych, don't say that, but get as many dick pills as you want, okay?

Psych.

Psych.

Yeah.

And don't lie.

Don't lie.

Officially, don't lie.

And when you're talking to that doctor, you can go into your history of breakups, love's loss.

Keep them on the phone

longer than they want.

Tell them what's brought you to this point.

Tell them about your ex-girlfriend's podcast.

Like, why do you think they include you?

Well, it's a show, Red Scare.

And, you know, well, then we went to Japan.

I don't know what you're doing.

We went to Japan, and it seemed like things were going to.

Okay, sir, just tell them about pills that are already at your house.

Yeah, yeah.

Stop calling my number.

Adam just texting the doctor after the exam is over.

So listen, if you love sex,

okay, and you hate going to the doctor's office and asking embarrassing questions or answering them or whatever the fuck, then go to fucking bluechew.com, you fucking idiot, with your limp-ass little pathetic cock.

What the fuck?

And make it strong and powerful with these beautiful pills that we're meant to have at 30 years old.

We're not supposed to just exercise or

go to therapy more.

Some of us even do exercise.

Yeah.

It's not enough.

It's not enough because we're gay.

And we're fighting.

And we're attracted to men.

We're just going to keep fighting.

We see homosexuality as a disease.

And so we're going to take these magic pills so that we can summer straight for 36 hours.

Just me in a hospital bed with a blanket over me, and I look sick, and I'm giving a thumbs up, and I'm getting my dick sucked by a woman.

You're like, amazing.

He's so brave.

He's going to make it.

He keeps fighting.

He's such a fighter.

When I was diagnosed with being gay,

they told me I wouldn't live five months without sucking cock.

Here I am 20 years later.

Taking dick pills and

tying a scarf around my mouth really tight whenever I'm around hot guys

to prevent myself.

And having only doggy style sex.

I don't know.

Where I pretend.

There's no way a man's ass looks like a woman's ass.

It depends what kind of man.

Yeah, a woman's ass has got like handles to jam their shit on.

I know what you mean about that.

But you never know.

That looks like a lady's butt.

I think I could probably, if it was just one freak.

Like, everybody.

What do you mean?

I'm giving you an example of a man with a lady's ass.

I think I think it's like a CIA operation to fuck with everybody.

Yeah, there is.

It's like they can't slip acid into people's drinks, so they came up with a little boy, a little gay boy.

With a black woman's ass.

With a black woman's ass.

To destroy the nuclear family.

To turn men gay.

To lock us into a war with Iran.

So anyway, go to Bluechew.com.

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It can work up to two times as fast.

They taste good, too.

They're like smarter.

They're like candies.

They taste very good.

Like, better than almost, you know what?

It might be the best-tasting medicine I've ever had in my life.

I like the Dymotap back in the day.

I like Flintstones.

I don't like diamonds and shit, man.

That's a vital.

Orange Flintstones.

You're a fucking imbecile.

Oh, that's medicine.

You imbecile.

You know what the best-tasting medicine is to me?

Yeah, but

I forgot there was no silence.

Silence.

Mariwona, you know?

What about it?

That's the best-tasting medicine.

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And listen, I'll do more plugs later on, but next Sunday, I'm in Tampa, so please buy tickets to see me there.

And then that other weekend, I'm in Milwaukee, Appleton, and Chicago.

Stobby.biz slash tickets.

And I've got road dates.

I'm in Indianapolis.

I'm in Chicago.

I'm in Nashville.

That's still all being handled or set up, but I'll have a link soon.

Nashville rocks.

Nashville will be interesting because that's the first one on the tour.

Adam, talk.

Hello.

Keep talking.

hi just say words something sounds weird with you I think it sounds pretty good oh yeah you do sound you sound like you're in a can or something yeah do I yeah you sound distant

maybe it's just our relationship

it's a metaphor something's like literally go on a diet you fat bitch

let's see does that kind of solve it keep talking Adam you gotta keep

hello Oh wow.

No, stop.

Are you fucking with him or does he sound off?

He sounded off before, but I think whatever you just did might have fixed it.

Check, check?

Yeah, that sounds better.

No, there's like a weird...

I can't hear myself in the corner.

Are you bending the...

You can't hear yourself at all?

I mean, I hear myself, but I can't hear what I sound like.

You fucking up the XLR cable.

You've broken it.

I didn't break it?

Now you sound normal.

You fixed it, but you were like bending the fucking cord right at the...

Damn, that's kind of cool, though, that if you bend a cord, it can fuck shit up.

I know that from like

that.

That's interesting science.

That's an interesting science experiment.

Well, Nick's got some road dates coming up.

Nice to get new equipment and immediately have Adam break.

I didn't break anything, and I wasn't scratching up my glasses.

Also,

I want to give,

not because I forgot to get him a birthday gift, but a birthday shout out to my friend Alex Schwidd, one of the biggest legends I know.

And you're 35, and I want you to keep living.

He's a big fan of the show.

Big fan of the show.

This is definitely making his day.

Okay, well, he can make my dick get hard and suck it.

How about that?

Alex?

Alex.

He's an absolute legend.

So, yeah, go see us all live, man.

Fuck that shit.

Fuck it.

Let's do plugs.

I'm in Providence.

I'm in Dallas, D.C.,

all the good places.

And then Dublin and London.

So buy tickets to that shit.

And buy my calendar, baby.

Stoppy.biz.

All that shit's over there.

You got 11 more months left.

11 more months, and I'll sell them on the road.

And then I'll sell them on the cho, too.

A cho doesn't seem that bad.

Having a wide penis, you're saying?

Women seem to like a wide penis.

I don't know if they like a short penis.

If you had to pick, I wonder if you had to pick between long and like pencil thin and short and fat.

I think they would pick short and fat.

The women don't know.

Women call into the show.

You can decide for Adam.

Yeah.

Because he can't figure it out.

No, so

honestly, he doesn't care about your opinion.

Yeah.

I really misogynist.

he's actually misogynist.

I'm red pill.

Yeah, you know what I'd say to women?

Get your bloody life together.

Get back in the kitchen, in the kitchen, get your fucking bitch.

Get your bloody life together.

Get your shoes off and come bring me my pills.

I need back pills.

I need back pills so I don't turn gay.

Get your dick out of my ass.

Bring me some beef.

Stop fucking my ass.

Get your fucking dick in my ass, Buckle.

Why don't you get over here and put your cock in my ass?

So that guy was just a regular ass professor, and then he wrote a gay ass book, and now he's like, you know.

Yeah,

he's just like a self-help guy.

But I think he first got pissed off by saying, like, I don't have to tell a trans person that they're a woman if they were born a man.

I think that's where he got his start.

Why are people so mad at trans?

I really don't understand that shit.

Who gives a fucking?

Probably because they jack off to them.

So what?

I've jacked off to them.

No, it's, I think a lot of it is, and this will seem like

projection, even though I've never really been like a you know, pronouns guy.

Like, it's always been, I'll call you whatever you want.

I don't give a shit.

But, like,

even, I mean, Ben Shapiro doesn't count, but I feel like there's people that are, like, that like Ben Shapiro or like Jordan Peterson that are just fucking like obstinate.

And it's literally like, yeah, but that's not what he or she means.

It really really is.

It really is for some people just a yes, actually thing.

And they're not necessarily like bigoted.

They just don't.

It's like the thing, it's so politicized and complicated that there's no room for people that are just fucking like being stubborn about something that they wouldn't if there was more room to discuss like the nuances of like permanent.

Yeah, but Ben Shapiro is not going to do that.

Ben Shapiro is not going to do that.

I'm not talking about Ben Shapiro.

Maybe it's just his like tonality, but my first introduction to him, the first couple of times I heard him, it's like, this seems like this is just a fucking autistic person.

person.

Yeah, it's like, yeah, those aren't the rules, that's not what a woman means, exactly.

Where it seems like it's not really, but you know, the more you look into Ben Shapiro, he's like as guilty of like obfuscating the truth or being selective, and like the, you know, oh, yeah, for sure.

He's a dumb bitch, but shout out to his sister's titties, though.

But

them shits are fucking heavy.

What's she up to?

What's Abigail?

Is that her name, Abigail?

I think she's in musical theater.

Dude, I'm about to sing my way into some pussy.

Just showing up

in the recording studio

with a little tiny cape.

And I sing, oh, titties, please.

Curly mustache.

Your brother's pretty gay.

A big curly mustache drawn on his face and a mock and a top hat.

Pigato, Vigato, Vigato.

Hello, ma'am.

My name's Don Gross.

I don't know if you've heard the pussy eating debate in the forum earlier, but

I'm one of the fathers.

Yeah, the forum.

The The child-rearing forum, me and my

fellow heterosexual husbands were talking about.

Damn.

Those are some fucking big things, though.

Do you think Shapir has big balls if his sister has such big tits?

That's not how it works.

It might.

Don't ask how I know.

Oh, wait, that's true.

We do have a piece of evidence.

Shut up.

And thank you for admitting your balls are small, by the way.

They're not small, but they're not big.

Thank you for admitting it, it's on the record.

They're gorgeous.

Wow.

I love science, dude.

I fucking love science.

I fucking love science, brother.

I love that shot.

Damn.

Damn, it is straight up 68 degrees.

I know, dude.

It's not as January.

I'm about to put some shorts on and fucking shake my little nuts.

Shake my big nuts, actually.

Kind of makes me want to hold hands with a girl.

With a woman, not me, dude.

Both have some, you know, know, like coffees to go.

Yeah, makes me want to play fucking capture the flag, dude.

It is capture the flag weather.

It is capture the flag weather.

Maybe I should just get a day job at a summer camp.

Yeah.

You know, and then fucking get fired day one because I'm like, quit being a faggot.

Oh, yeah.

That would be good.

They're like, oh,

you called that kid a faggot.

I'm like, well, he's being a faggot.

They're like, no, he's gay.

Oh, and you're like, damn, my bad.

I meant the other way.

Yeah, my fault.

My bad.

Can I have some tater tots from the...

Can I have some Uncrustables?

By the way, those are fucking rock.

Those little fucking pre-made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

The smuckers uncrustables.

And they're like

sealed on the edges.

Talk about a food.

That's very Japanese.

Talk about a camp food.

I suppose it's Japanese, but to me, it's white trash.

To me, it's rec center.

To me, it's your parents both work, so they left you

under the care of a 70-year-old, nice Republican man who runs an inner-city

recreation center.

You went to camp?

You went to day camp.

Yeah, I mean, my parents left me.

I went to an after-school program every day.

It was just, it was called the, it was called the Maura Crossman Recreation Center.

Oh, it was the Jewish lady that gave the money for it?

I guess, yeah.

I don't know who the fuck it is.

And my school was called John Rurah Elementary, and everyone said John Rurah was murdered there, and he haunted the halls.

Scary.

But I don't think it's true.

Scary.

I wonder who he was.

I never looked that up.

Damn, actually, who the fuck was John Rurah?

He was the first Marine.

He came up with Rurah.

Rurah.

Yeah.

I fucking love the rec center, though, dude.

Playing fucking hooping all day, eating uncrustables.

Who was John Rura?

Damn.

Okay.

It's got a 4.0 rating on greatschools.com.

Not bad.

But

only four reviews.

It was not a great school when I went there.

I'll tell you that much, Chief.

It's got better than Hollabird Middle.

Suck my dick, Hollibird.

They did this thing in my school where they just shepherded anyone who was even sort of smart.

They just put us in a little room

and we didn't interact with the other kids.

Yeah, Stop thinks, Stop thinks.

It was next to Special Ed.

Stop thinking.

And it wasn't for fact.

Stop thinks lunch is a special ed.

We actually, there was a special class they put me in where we were allowed to eat.

You just got to eat.

And it was just me.

Yeah, I was so advanced I was in gifted and talented lunch.

And it was just me because I was so advanced I kept eating all the other kids' food before they had a chance to.

Wow.

And so they kind of put me in my own little to-classroom.

Just me and

me and the janitors.

And we would kiss.

We were next to Special Ed.

Yeah.

Were you in any plays?

Hell yeah, dude, of course.

Yeah, me too.

I was a theatrical ass little motherfucker.

I was a theatric kid, too.

And then, very,

I was, I loved fucking plays.

And then in sixth grade, I had a big shift, and I was like, I'm cool.

I'm not gay.

So, yeah.

And basically, that happened to me in ninth grade.

It happened to me in sixth grade because I didn't get the lead in its Charlie Brown story or whatever.

Damn.

Once I didn't get, I was like, come on, bro.

If they could only see you next time exactly.

I'm born to play this role, you fucking dumb bitch.

And then I quit and I started playing soccer.

In sixth grade,

I was in an

NBSD murder mystery, and I played the male lead, and there were way more girls in the theater department than boys.

Nice.

You broke the mic again.

I'm literally not bending anything.

Just don't hold it around.

Stop whatever you're doing.

Hold it up here.

Hold it up here.

You're breaking the microphone.

I didn't break it.

You're fine.

Just hold it up here.

Don't hold it up the wire.

But

they had two female casts.

No, it's fucked up again here.

Let me see it.

What?

Sorry.

Adam has fucked up the mic and he's check, check, check, check, check.

It sounds normal now.

It sounds normal, yeah.

But Nick fixed it.

Thanks, Nick.

Adam's gay.

Anyway, they had two female casts.

No, I'm like fucking annoyed.

It's not you, but I mean, I went out and bought other shit.

Like, the guy told me these were the fucking cables.

It's fine.

It works fine.

I know it's fine.

I'm just, but that.

We just need to unplug it and plug it.

I know, but we shouldn't have to do it.

Sorry.

I know I don't want to get frustrated.

Well, you know what people sold this to you.

Yeah, no, it's just

fucking annoying because then it's like you're going to get a million people that are like fucking like, you dumbass, you should have bought.

And it's like, you know what, Mother?

Those people aren't winning, Nick, and you're literally winning.

I don't know.

I'm not winning.

Yes, you are.

I tried my goddamn best to make this thing sound busy normal.

This is how you win.

Yeah, this is how you win.

This is how you win.

Adam Sandler voice.

What were you saying?

Oh, yeah.

And then I got to kiss a seventh grade and eighth grade girl.

Whoa, this in the play, he was kissing two bitches.

I kissed two bitches, and then after the play, we had a cast party, and all the girls, you know, it's like theater, so everyone's like touchy-feely, like massage and stuff.

And so, I was like hugging all the girls goodbye after the play because it was like, and I was like, all these girls let me touch them.

It's amazing.

And my dad saw me hugging all the girls and saying, like, you did great in the play.

And then we were like walking in the car.

My dad's like, what's wrong with you?

And I was like, what?

He's like, are you gay?

He's like, only gay guys act like that

and I thought it was cool that all these girls were letting me hug yeah and it made no sense to me what he was saying yeah his internalized homophobia yeah or just his internalized being gay yeah

he's like I would never act like that I'd be having sex with all the girls I would fuck them not hug them if I was a sexy but I've never hugged I'll never hug a woman I should call him about that and say that hurt myself dude you should I was thinking about that dude it's like

being in therapy, it's like the therapist is like, if something fucks you up, he's like, go have a conversation about it.

What about all the times maybe you just fucked me up throughout my life that I'll never address?

You don't need, I mean, that's what your therapist says, but I think you should just forgive.

Fuck forgive me.

Never forget.

I will never forgive, dude.

I got something from all my enemies.

Remember the videos of the break the b-boy competitions between midgets?

Of course.

Those need to come back.

I agree.

There's also, too, if you want to wear wear underwear, you go to Macwell.com.

Oh, okay.

Macwellen.com underwear.

All right, that's the end of the read.

We're trying a new thing now where we do it real quick.

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MacUnderwear.com.

Underwear.com/slash Macwellena.

MW Underwear.

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Price is subject to verification.

Peanut spongy on a penis spongy.

People did nothing wrong.

The Holocaust didn't happen.

Nissan salesman.

Participating dealerships.

And And participating in dealerships, prices subject to verification from 2020, what do you think?

Six million too many.

Six million too many.

It didn't happen.

The pictures are all in black and white.

It doesn't make any sense.

Why aren't there any colour pictures?

Why aren't there any color pictures?

They were documenting evidence.

They had color photography at the time.

You could have seen it.

Why are the doors made out of wood?

Why are the doors made out of wood?

Nissan sales event.

Try.

Nissan extended sales event and participating dealerships.

Yeah.

Never happened.

Mac Weldon, man.

If you think about the math, six million in three years.

You know how many people you would have to kill a day?

It doesn't even make sense.

Listen, he makes them.

Listen, it's one of the best research eras in history, but he is the fastest, talking, quietest voice in the biz.

You couldn't even kill that many dogs.

Shut up.

So, yeah, man.

You know what they wore in the Holocaust was underwear.

And striped pajamas.

That's true.

And Mac Weldon probably has pajamas.

They probably have pajamas.

I don't know if they have a lot of people.

I would imagine they have loungewear.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's some of the best motherfucking stuff in the biz, motherfucker.

That's what I said.

Listen, you want your cock.

Listen, we've already told you how to get your cock hard.

Now you need cloth to cover your soft cock.

And good news,

Mac Weldon provides that.

And they have, I mean, fucking.

They drape your cock.

They drape

luxuriously.

Yeah, the thing I like about Mac Weldon is they fit well, but they also, they're good for tying off your dick and to use as a cock rig when you can't get hard.

Yeah,

but they call it or just to make it seem per look purple.

Right.

If you wanna, yeah, if you're trying to have a purple

well, that's why those girls send around that eggplant.

Yeah, because I might

grimace when I tie off my fucking

when I tie off my dick and mainline heroin.

So they got

if you listen, they got antimicrobial shit.

They got sil the silver line or something.

And it means it makes doesn't make your cock stink.

No matter how stinky your cock is, this kind of shit will eat up the stink.

And it'll make your cock smell like roses.

And if you don't.

Silver ion.

Silver ion blend.

And if you don't, um, if you don't like it, keep the fuckers, you fucking idiot.

And they refund you your fucking.

They refund you the money.

And I love money.

I love

fucking money loves Chachi or something.

Money loves Chachi.

Money loves Chachi.

Who the fuck is that, dude?

Fuck him.

Scott Bale?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He loves Trump.

No, but saying it that way.

I think it's a Dennis Miller thing.

Oh, Chachi?

Dennis Miller says Chachi.

But I don't think it means.

I don't know if it's a Joni loves Chachi reference or something.

It might be.

Chachi probably put the name Chachi in the public's imagination for Dennis Miller.

MacWaldon's mission is simple, is to make sure all your basics and beyond are smartly designed, and shopping for them is easy and convenient.

The website's easy.

A lot of people don't like buying shit in the middle of the day.

Look at the sun on the wall.

Doesn't that look like a little penis?

It does look like a little.

Oh, wow.

I'm reflecting on the phone.

I wish the audience could see it.

I'm reflecting light off my phone.

The sun is hitting my phone.

And it's hitting the wall, and it looks like a little penis.

I'll tell you this:

I had to buy some shit for my car.

Take a picture of that, Adam.

I had to buy some shit for my car, and it didn't work, so I returned it, and the process sucked ass.

Sucked hard, copy.

It's like you get so used to fucking Amazon that like you forget that most online shopping sucks a dick.

But Mac Weldon's very easy.

It's even better than any

different website.

It's as easy as Amazon.

No, it's better.

Well, Amazon is kind of, it doesn't really get easier than it is.

It is easy.

And Mac Weldon is as.

No, here's why you're a fucking idiot and why I'm the head of marketing.

No, I'm not an idiot.

People are familiar with Amazon.

But you shouldn't want to.

They don't want a different company's name.

It's not a competing company.

They don't pay.

They sell underwear, nigga.

They sell underwear, bro.

People didn't know that until you were like Amazon, by the way, who also sells underwear.

People are paying for it.

People knew it.

They sell everything.

People just want a fucking comparable experience to something that already makes sense.

If I say it's like Amazon for underwear, you fucking know what I'm talking about.

It's easy.

It's a very simple shopping experience.

You're not going to be confused by it.

And they've got

an award-winning mobilizer.

You're the head of marketing.

I'm just saying, I don't mean

pulling rank, and I understand.

I'm just saying if I was head of marketing, I would be doing things a little differently.

This is why we never hire fat people,

they want to eat all of the office supplies, they're too concerned with going to lunch.

So, I honestly focus on what's in front of us.

What is for lunch?

I don't know.

We should get shit catered every time.

Getting pussy.

I would love a nice spray.

We should get catered lunch after everyone.

That would be great.

Anyways, Mac.

That would be us winning.

It's better than whatever you're wearing right now.

It is.

It's very easy to fucking buy things on their website.

Very easy.

And for whatever dumb reason, you don't like the fucking underwear because you're stupid.

They can be returned.

No questions asked.

They don't care that you're stupid and you might not like it.

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Slash pussy.

And we're black.

We were going to talk about Steely Dan.

I thought we weren't going to talk about Steely Dan.

Well, we can now.

There's been enough time.

Yeah, so we watched the Asia documentary.

No, you don't give it all away.

We just now

spend time.

I don't know what to say then.

I didn't know it was just two guys.

How about that?

Nick got mad at me earlier for saying the Dan.

Yeah, that's a fucking horrible way to say that.

Well, that's what people in the community call them.

The Steely Dan lovers community.

So they're just two guys.

Yes.

Well, one of them's dead now.

Oh, fuck, for real?

Yeah, Becker's dead.

The bald guy?

Fagin's alive.

Because

we are like cockroaches.

and we live forever.

Honestly, I am probably going to look like Donald Fagan when I'm older.

Dude, wishful thinking.

No, I love that.

Wishful thinking.

I love this shit.

It's like, yeah, when I'm older, I'm going to look like that guy who aged fine.

No, he's a guy who aged pretty well.

He's a fellow fish-lipped Jew, and I think that's

probably a model for what I'll look like one day.

Dude,

I'm going to look exactly like fucking.

Donald Fagan's a hot guy?

He looks pretty good.

But he looks as good as look up Donald Fagan old.

Oh, actually, you know what?

He doesn't look good.

No.

No, he looks like some weird old Jew.

He looked better young, I'll tell you.

He was hotter than you when he was young.

Okay.

So you're not going to age as well.

Yeah.

Actually.

We got another lion P-O-S over here.

Damn.

Another Lion.

And this man lion.

You're lying to me.

I wonder if they got how much pussy they got because they didn't really tour.

And that's usually when you get pussy as a rock star.

And they were doing a lot of heroin too pussy is a rock star

i think they say lack of a rock star i think becker's girlfriend died really tragically oh shit yeah she overdosed in his apartment he got sued for 17 million dollars what yeah

that's a fucking tough one dude yeah

that's crazy for by who his her family her gay ass family dude they're haters she was having a good time

with the boy it's his girlfriend too it's not like a fucking like you know,

it's not like this was like a prostitute or something.

Right.

This is somebody he has feelings for.

Yeah.

Who, like, probably made their own decision to do drugs.

Absolutely.

I feel like a prostitute has her own agency as well.

A prostitute has her own agency, but it's something about, like, I don't.

I know what you mean.

They had a life together.

You know what I mean?

She was there for on purpose.

Damn, did they, did he beat the shit?

Did he beat the case?

Or did he kill himself to

show that?

17 million?

Yeah.

I have no idea what happened.

17 million.

Imagine having 17 million

That would be awesome.

I would fucking...

Damn, what would I do?

I would retire.

I would retire with 17 mil.

I would become a fucking bodybuilder like that guy from Boyne's World.

I can't wait to be a Jody Builder.

I can't wait to jield my Jody.

Yeah, I want to be strange.

I'm trying to be strange.

Looking strange in 202.

What's that guy up to?

He dropped the act.

Oh, it was an act.

He's like, my name is Donald Fagan.

Do you know who?

Oh, here's classically

from Oxford.

Here's a good Juilliard.

Here's a good piece of wig.

Okay.

Sorry.

The trivia.

Here we go.

Let's go trivia.

Instead of a bit, Nick is getting shot.

It's going to be about Donald Fagan, too.

It's going to be about something we were talking about.

It's going to be about

the third member of the Dan.

Ah, okay.

So not about Donald.

Okay, not technically Donald Fagan, but exactly what Nick was saying.

The thing we moved on from, you kept thinking about ignoring no, this is a fun fact.

This is a fun fact.

No, go ahead.

This is why I'm teaching our son pussy eating.

Okay, this is why.

All right, sorry for interrupting, but this is good enough to share.

The third member of their band in college,

who after they graduated.

Yeah, okay, cool.

Thanks, man.

Anyway, so that is kind of cool.

That is kind of cool, though.

Yeah.

That asshole.

What did he play?

Maybe drums.

The drums.

He played the drums.

Yeah, really?

Yes.

Interesting.

Yes.

Yes.

Anyways, Juilliard.

I learned my craft.

I applied my Donald P.

I originally came up with the character for Savage Psycho Joe after seeing an advertisement for an exercise class, and I thought about the modern condition.

And

in what way would even a mental retard experience the basic aspirations of an American consumer?

And I thought, how funny would it be if a man who naturally only has one quality that we've bestowed upon him in the subjective, which is retard strength, strength, which we obviously understand in the real world, it does not mean actual physical strength.

Yes.

It's the strength to be a retard,

fortitude.

And if one of these retards were to pursue a physical strength, taking it out of the abstract and

abstraction into the concrete, what would that that look like?

And I thought, uh, a a

retarded person having a weightlifting incident

and uh and lying about how much he's putting up.

Um, where is Savage Psycho?

I hope he's getting ahead.

I was about to look up Savage Psycho Joe, and then a hot woman popped up on my Instagram.

Oh my god, I love when that happens.

And I think I'm just gonna look at her for a while.

Can I see?

Because I'm sucking penis.

It's 100 degrees.

I can't wait to suck, get on my fucking knees.

So

close.

That was close.

I'm losing it, dude.

In my own day.

I don't have a lot of fun.

Small penis and

fucking gay.

Look, just play the minor chord, the basic chords first.

Ban, banana.

And then start soloing over top of them.

I'm gay.

I'm hot for penis.

I'm hot for penis.

There we go.

I'm fucking gay, fucking gay, fucking gay.

I'm hot for penis.

I'm hot for penis.

I'm hot for penis.

My dick is small, dick is small, dick is small.

I'm hot for penis.

Hot for penis.

Let's go.

Let's go.

I'm fucking gay.

So

gay.

I'm hot for penis.

Oh, shit.

I'm fucking gay.

I'm hot for peanuts.

I feel bad for.

We're in stereo.

Yeah.

That's right.

I feel bad for the losers listening on one AirPod.

They're not getting the full experience.

Yep, they're not.

They're getting some compressed monaro bullshit.

What's the, what is the, uh, how's the rest of that song go?

Um, that's it.

That's the whole song.

About wanting to fuck your teacher.

I want to fuck my teacher.

Did you ever have a teacher you wanted to fuck Adam?

Mm-hmm.

Adam.

Well, plenty.

Adam's perpetually horny.

That's why he likes all those Philip Roth books he's never read.

Well, yes, I've read more.

I've read multiple, but yes,

I do identify with a lot of those books.

The horny semite.

The horny Jew.

The horny Jew part two.

The character of the horny semite.

Jews aren't that good at fucking, though, right?

They're terrible.

No, we're not good, we just want to.

Interesting.

That makes sense.

We're just.

Yep.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah.

Well, let me.

Why don't you come on down here?

We'll see you.

Nah.

We can find out.

I'll have a fuck off with you, dude.

We'll both fuck each other, and then we'll decide who is the better lover.

As long as you stay the fuck out of the woodshop.

You know what I'm saying?

We can't be acting this way in front of our son.

And the aviary on floor seven.

You do get the aviary.

Although, my grandfather, it's kind of in my blood to be a part of the aviary.

Sorry, aviary.

I want a room that I can sit in and do Zen meditation while being stung by bees.

Okay, that's cool.

I just come out covered in bee stings, sweating.

I'm like, I've relaxed a higher plane.

Oh, fuck again!

Damn, happy.

You guys see that video that guy?

You guys see that video that guy.

You want to die, the fat kitty?

Running with the parrots?

Yeah, I retweeted it.

Oh, you did?

Yeah.

That was pretty good.

It's a great video.

I didn't realize you retweeted it.

That looks like Tony Gazelle.

Yes.

Tony Little.

Whatever the guy who did it.

Tony Little from the Gazelle free.

In his old age, running with Parrots.

Yeah.

The guy that was, the guy that fucking Benoit was hallucinating and hearing tell him to do what he did.

Was it for real?

No.

Oh, I like to imagine.

Yeah, hell yeah.

He was hallucinating and thought Tony Gazelle was like, just do it, man.

Just do it.

You can do it, brother.

All it takes is a little dedication.

Dude, those things looked awesome.

The way his legs swung.

I wanted to be that guy, dude.

I liked his ponytail and baseball cap.

I love that.

His life story is so funny.

Really?

I remember looking him up as a teenager, but he got like hit by a bus.

And then while he was recovering, he got like spinal meningitis.

Jesus Christ.

He temporarily lost his eyesight.

That's so funny.

And he was hanging out at his friend's house, and because he was blind, he went to sit down and he thought it was a chair, but it was a bucket filled with acid.

Why?

Why did his friend have have that?

What the fuck?

LSD acid?

Yeah, so he like burned his ass

balls.

Like Bernie acid.

So does he have smooth ass balls?

Yeah, I don't know.

Let me look at that.

He burned his ass.

Dude, that's a horrible place to burn.

Well, he came back from that shit, dude.

He did.

He looks great.

I told you that they thought I had spinal meningitis once, and I had to get a spinal tap.

Yep.

It was pretty metal.

Didn't they think you had AIDS also?

They didn't think I had AIDS.

For real.

I'm not even joking.

I'm not even trying to do that.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, they do.

They did.

I'm a good listener.

It was AIDS or hepatitis C

because I went to an endoscopy center in Vegas.

Wait, hold on.

For a colonoscopy.

Wait, let me know.

Little describes himself as an avid collector of antiques, classic cars, and obscure species of livestock.

That might be him in the video.

I don't have AIDS, by the way.

I don't have AIDS.

Just at the end of the story, if any girls are listening, Adam is HIV by the way.

I just wanted to finish that.

I have a clean bill of health, however.

Well,

so he had two herniated discs, a knee dislocation, a cracked vertebrae, and lacerations.

He recovered enough.

Oh, he was involved in a car accident.

He competed.

During his recovery, Little began developing exercise programs and parodies.

And this is just Wikipedia.

I'm trying to find because I remember reading this like 15 years ago.

Search Tony Little Asid Balls burned.

Tony Little acid.

Acid balls is what I said.

I'm sucking dead.

Yeah, this is great.

While visiting a friend during the time while he was recovering his vision, Little accidentally sat in the tub of acid and

second-degree burns to his genitals and anus.

No way, dude.

Yeah, Little is not real.

He's been electrocuted several times, once while trying to install a television above his bathtub.

Hell yeah.

My man, you need a little fucking bubble bath TV.

Yeah.

Respect.

That's living, baby.

Oh, he got chemical burns on his butt when he began, when he unwittingly sat on a table that had been treated with acid.

But that would require that he's naked.

Yeah, maybe he just fucked his friends.

You don't apply...

Yeah, something's weird about that story.

Maybe it's fake.

Yeah.

I think he was doing some freaky stuff, you know?

I think he was doing some freaky shit.

Some freaky shit.

Like what?

Well, he's blind, so that's like the best opportunity to have real

nose strings attached type of NSA Yeah, she's like I didn't know it was a man.

I didn't know because I'm blind.

I thought it was a woman's I thought I thought I was sucking a really long tubular tit.

I didn't realize it was a man's penis.

I thought it was a really stiff breast.

Yeah, she's like now that I'm blind I could finally be on the down low.

Yeah, well, you fucked up the microphone again.

I didn't

well, it's all right.

We've got to wrap up here anyway, folks.

I think, right?

Yeah, we're.

Did I fuck it up?

Is it fine now?

It's fine now.

I'm sucking this.

See y'all later.

Bye, eyebrows.

This is Bethany Frankel from Just Be with Bethany Frankl.

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