Ep. 189 – Therapy for the chinese soul

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yeah

or you got everything plugged in I'm plugged, dude.

You plugged in over there.

I got my shit plugged, dude.

Yeah, you plugged in over there?

I'm airtight.

I got my mic plugged in.

I got my butt plug plugged in.

You got everything plugged in over there.

That's not a butt plug soft.

What?

I'm plugged into you, actually.

Oh, my God.

Wow, hold on.

Why is it so little?

Yeah, I bet this guy fucking...

A lot of air is escaping out of my ass because Adam's penis is too small.

Well, I went in soft.

I bet this guy.

It's hard.

I can feel it.

You bet this guy fucking likes Thomas the Tank Engine.

Yeah, I bet.

You bet he fucking watches that shit, knows all the fucking characters.

Yeah, fucking knows who Thomas is and Gordon and the twins, Douglas, and Edward.

Well, it seems like you know a lot of characters.

Yeah, I bet this fucking guy fucking loves that show.

Oh, I bet he does, bro.

I bet he's got the fucking clothes with those guys on it.

I was getting myself good imagining a guido that accuses people of watching Thomas.

But he knows everything.

He's like, nah, you know, I just, you know, I passed by.

There was a sign.

It's on sometimes.

Sometimes when I'm watching my mafia movie, you see

Thomas is, you know, it comes on the picture in picture by accident.

Yeah, I'm trying to watch fucking Once Upon a Time in America, fucking Wise Guy.

Wise Guy.

Remember that show?

I don't.

Me either.

I think it was a show.

Bronx Tale.

A Bronx Tale.

A Bronx Tale 2 goes west.

Fidelio goes west.

Fideliano goes west.

Yeah, it's about Italian rats.

Pooh.

I hate them.

I hate them.

No rats in my fucking family.

I hope they get eaten by the cat Capolis.

I can't stand the Capolis.

Oh, yeah.

So there's rats and there's mice.

Is a mouse good?

A mouse, dude.

I want to re-watch the great mouse detective alone.

The big scary rat is still fucking scary.

Yeah, but he was gay.

Was he?

Yeah, they remember when he would sing and dance and he had a top hat.

I just remember being fucking terrified.

I remember being terrified.

I was a little kid.

What scared the shit out of me was that first scene with his bat henchman

that is like creeping around the house.

There's a shot of him in the the windows and when i was a little kid that scared the shit out of me fucked me i know exactly the shot you're talking about yeah we're it's like the silhouette let's on the uh let's go ahead and just pull it up we're gonna watch the great mouse detective on the show that's fun honestly i would honestly love that good content yeah is there pussy in the great mouse detective is there love interest there's full penetration no you know what i'm saying yeah you know what's funny don't be fascinated of a bitch i saw

i would see the great number mouse detective a bunch as a kid but for whatever reason i never knew the title of the movie.

Somehow, it was like one of those movies that I'd seen a bunch, and I just, I was like, oh, oh, yeah, that fucking.

Dude, I know.

I actually thought it was a different movie.

Because there's a lot.

Dude, now that I think about it, there was a lot of like mouse-type shit.

There's rescuers.

There's the rescuers.

There's Vival.

Rescuers Down Under.

There's, of course, Mickey.

You think they were biting Mickey shit?

Ratatul?

Nah, that was later on.

Yeah.

I don't think I ever saw that actually.

Me neither.

I get the idea, though.

Me neither.

The mouse cooks.

Anyways, I'm going to be watching baby movies while you go.

Did you guys see the podcast?

Can I see that?

Can I see

The Great Rat Detective?

Yeah, I'm trying to find that.

What's some other mouse-type movies?

Stuart Little.

Stuart Little.

I saw that at Beltway's Beltway Movies 6 with my mother.

It's a discount theater that she used to take us to.

Everything costs like $4.

And the popcorn brother, the popcorn was cheap.

Wasn't there that movie?

The popcorn was like $2 for a big-ass bag.

At a movie theater.

This was a discount movie theater.

Beltwave Movie 6.

Shouts out to them.

I think they're still in business.

That's where I saw Step Brothers

in college.

Hilarious.

Honestly, Will Farrell's best.

So funny.

It's one of the best.

McKay Farrell.

I think it's probably the best.

I mean,

those have age so good.

Talladega Knights Rocks, My Cock.

So funny.

Anyways, I can't find it.

But yeah, there's just that one.

You know, he's in his fucking lab doing something, lining up a bullet.

I know.

And it's like a lightning flash.

A lightning flash, and little bats outside.

Yeah, that's fine.

And dude, I literally know the fucking I know the scene.

That used to get me good

when I was a child.

Dude, Radigan also was built.

He had a big, he had big titties, but like he was tiny

with his legs.

Yeah,

which is a fucked up type, fucked up type of way to be.

He was a tits on the stick.

Suddenly, I was trapped in my depression.

Oh, Nick, are you inside Adam?

Nick?

Adam drifted away and we didn't have to hear him anymore.

Oh, thank God.

We could just be alone with us.

It's just us.

We could just be alone with my friend

in my pit of despair.

Dude, let me get in there.

Let me get in the despair, dude.

Get in here.

I'm over here now as well.

Oh, nice.

Nice, dude.

And then Adam's gay ass is over in regular.

He doesn't get to be.

I want to be in depression with you.

No, we're over here fucking golf bitches with big fucking titties.

It's not fair to let me know I'm participating.

We have depression, but you're not depressed.

We have depression, and we're getting our dick sucked by girls wearing black lipsticks.

Yeah, wow.

And we're listening to

The Cure.

No.

Because we're Maryland boys.

Good Charlotte.

Good Charlotte.

You're not allowed to say what was.

You're not allowed to say it, Adam.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah.

It feels good to be here.

I wanted to see if there was a different one we could.

Me and Nick are holding hands, getting our dick dicks sucked.

And someone's painting our nails with black nail polish.

We're getting nail polish put on.

While our dicks are in one mouth.

And

Adam has a little tiny baby voice.

Oh my god.

Nick, stop it.

I don't like this.

Now take us out of the depression so we can hear Adam's voice, baby voice better.

Okay, let's see what our voice sound like.

Okay.

Oopsie Daisy.

Am I going

here?

That was good.

Getting my dick sucked in.

Depression.

Now, Adam.

My diaper's full.

I need you to change my nappies.

That's just what you're fucking voicing.

Now you're trying to simulate the baby voice to screw me on the...

To screw me.

To screw me over.

To fuck me over.

Dude, the idea of a goth listening to Good Charlotte is kind of getting me a little bit.

You know he's coming back as good Charlotte.

Oh, really?

No.

No, no.

The bands from when we were younger.

Yeah.

They're coming.

Some of the bands.

You know what?

Some of the bands from when we were younger are coming back.

Coming back.

Like, who?

Good Charlotte.

No.

One of the best.

The thing that, like,

I mean, that's really the kind of, those are the kind of podcasts you should listen to.

Absolutely.

It's two of the dumbest people in the world being like, you know, I didn't know what a Valero was until I I was 27.

Yep.

Well, that is kind of what our podcast is.

Yeah, but then

irony.

True.

Yeah, and people are listening to it.

That's true.

The beauty of that is that no one is listening.

It's that niche.

I don't know what potpourri is, but it makes me think of like an Indian woman's vagina.

That's too clear.

You know, like perfume for an Indian woman's vagina.

Nah.

Yeah, you're right.

That is too clever.

That's too clever.

You know, it's crazy.

You want to know my theory?

Is the reason VHS went away is because they never told us what VHS stands for.

That's true.

And DVD, same thing.

Blu-ray, you know it stands for Blu-ray.

Blue.

Yeah.

You know it's Blue.

And there's Blu-ray.

So that's why it's still around because it's had the same amount of time.

But nobody, for sure as shit, didn't know what VHS stands for.

And then DVD, you say, okay, disc video.

Disc video, disc, disc, video, disc.

Yep.

CD, you know it stands for music disc.

Yep.

You know it stands for concert disc.

Concert distribution.

Yep.

Because you're distributing concert music.

No.

Yo, you're right.

Well, that's why CDs went away.

That's true.

Because people didn't know what they stood for.

MP3, same thing.

Music, playing,

purchasing, and pirating.

There's three different ways you can get the music.

That's what MP3 stands for.

I heard that.

Yeah.

Well, people don't listen to it now.

They listen to iTunes, and everybody knows it stands for iTunes.

That is true.

Yeah, what about Obama, though?

Obama, too.

What does that stand for?

Nothing.

Except the Quran.

Don't splan.

Some of my family does feel that way, though.

It's pretty jacked up.

Damn, dude.

Yeah, I have ⁇ sometimes I'll have candid conversations with my dad, and he lets me know that he thinks the president is.

No.

Shouts out to fucking...

Speaking of Baltimore, shouts out to the fucking Dirty Burrs, the Ravens, Lamar Jackson, soon-to-be-crowned MVP.

Fuck Tom Brady.

Your bitch ass lost.

Fuck the Patriots.

Were they playing in Houston?

They lost at home to the fucking number six seed Titans with Mike Rabel, your old linebacker.

Fuck your ass.

The Patriots sucks.

Fuck Boston.

Fucking Festivus number two.

Ravens all the way, baby.

Are you going to go down to MNT?

I'm going to the bank, dude.

To the bank.

I'm on the road.

I'm actually kind of sad.

Damn, dude.

I literally would have gone.

My brothers went to see the patient when they beat the Patriots in the regular season.

My brothers were at that game.

Damn, that must have been so lit.

Yeah.

That must have been lit, dog.

It was lit, dude.

I don't fucking appreciate your tone, bitch.

No, I like Lamar Jackson a lot.

He's swaggy.

He wears the sunglasses.

He wears sunglasses.

He wears chains.

He's the best quarterback.

He's the best quarterback of the next 15 years, dude.

Dude, it's about time we go back to Baltimore.

Just trying to get on the 98 rock.

Yeah.

Let's stop this.

Let's stop all this.

The sun's been coming into my apartment.

That's been making me feel okay about being

the sunlight is important.

No, dude, we're getting a little two-bedroom in Glen Burney, and we're going to be the fucking afternoon.

You live together?

We live together in Glen Burney.

And we get the afternoon drive time shift.

Did you ever see those guys with like fucking Ben O'Brien?

Was still living with his ex-girlfriend.

He had those like house painters over that week.

Those two guys

were awesome.

That like fucking had the same haircut since high school.

Yeah, and they were just boys.

Just painted, got drunk, lived together.

They're 40 years old.

That's the best.

Those guys were all.

Those guys rocked.

Hadn't even considered their life being a fucking failure in any way, shape, or form.

Just the fellas.

Literally like fucking 1985 Mario and Luis.

Just fucking painting houses, wearing the dumb outfit.

Yep.

That stupid like mid-80s bowl haircut.

This is awesome, dude.

On old ass men.

Just hanging out.

Just living together in a two-bedroom.

Somewhere in Hamden, probably.

Just fucking like like the highlight of the week is going to karaoke at a sports bar.

Yes, dude.

Trying to get pussy from some fat secretary.

Dude, do you remember Greg Bahanish?

I don't.

Greg Bahanish was one of those guys.

He ran the open mic at Felicitas in Rockville.

Oh, yeah.

I never made it out.

I never made it out there.

Felicitas.

It was like, and it was so funny because there was like no one at that bar.

It was this giant space above a parking garage.

Oh, God.

And it was like an Italian restaurant, but it was mostly the floor was like set up as a dance hall.

Hell yeah.

And then there was was a bar, and then they put like a couple of dining room table or like dinner ta, you know, tables, restaurant tables at the end of the fucking

the dance hall floor.

But they would do an open mic there in Greg Bahanish.

Did you do you know who Bahanish is?

No, I never met him.

He's like just yeah, he's like a guy that's like fucking probably graduated high school in 1980 or 1981.

Respect.

And he's like, this is the look, brother.

Oh, you've talked to me about this guy before.

Yeah.

Let me see if I can find him.

But, you know, it's j he would host every week.

Yep.

The open mic, the nobody, and then do the same jokes.

He's like, yeah, I'm from Pittsburgh,

but I'm actually from all over.

No, sorry.

He's like, my arms are from Pittsburgh.

Oh, no.

My feet are from RAN.

Oh, my God.

But he knew the jokes were bad.

His goal was to be annoying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, he wouldn't give a shit.

You'd be like, Greg, this is fucking dog shit.

And it's just week after week, he's like,

all right, man.

All right, brother.

He like didn't care.

Yeah.

Just drive around in this fucking like 1986 Dodge Dynasty.

Dude, the purest thing.

And then try to get pussy from like just these women.

And I remember one time we were all like smoking weed in the garage, me and him and another guy.

And he just went and got his dick sucked like 20 feet away by like a 42-year-old woman.

Just a bar.

He's like,

they didn't say anything.

They just went over to his car, got in, and he got his dick sucked, and then came back out all high.

That fucking rocks.

That rules.

I'm going back.

Fuck this.

Fuck this, dude.

I'm going to try show business two more years.

And then I'm running an open mic in Baltimore.

I'm just getting top.

Yeah.

Getting bad quality top.

I'm going to try to get a job in the Buddha Judge Administration.

Yeah, on April Fool's one year.

You are gay.

Yeah.

On April Fool's one year, I sent an email out that was like, Greg, hey, everyone.

Greg Bahanish,

his family reached out to me and he a combination of sleep apnea and lifelong sleep apnea and lifelong alcoholism.

He died in his sleep last night.

And I was like 17 at the time.

But like I was one of the only people that actually really knew or hung out with Bay Ash.

And then all of these comics in DC were like, I can't believe this.

They were like devastated.

Yeah.

All these people were upset and then they were like mad at me.

Yeah, of course they would be mad at you.

Yeah, they were like mad at me.

I'm like, it's a joke.

No one thought, oh, it's April Fools.

Yeah.

Well, Well, you know, to be honest with you, my thing was, like, I got to do April Fools a couple days before.

That way people don't know.

Right, yeah.

I would always do it around.

I couldn't wait.

It is funny how much you love April Fools.

I love April Fools.

You're a little prankster.

Remember this year I told guys that I wasn't doing the podcast?

Yeah, stop.

And I got mad.

Adam freaked out.

Adam was freaking out, dude.

We're supposed to be friends.

Can't we talk about this?

I was already thinking about myself.

No, I said, dude.

All I said was, I wish we would have been able to have a conversation.

Yeah, but Greg Banish rocked because he was like, just like an 80s guy.

And then, like,

you know, yeah, he was just like, I would go with him.

And then this other guy that did karaoke.

Yeah, dude.

And yeah, his whole life was like, yeah, I remember one time he

came by and he was like, like,

like, started talking to my high school sweetheart on MySpace.

And guess what?

She's divorced.

Dude, MySpace was a boon for those guys.

Facebook,

those guys, those guys are going through the fucking divorced heap, dude, like nobody's busy.

Yeah, he's like, guess what?

She's divorced.

He had like a cabin in like Deep Creek Lake that he would just go up to.

The king.

Yeah, to fucking like drink beer and smoke weed.

Dude, no joke.

Everyone's like, yeah,

we're the high school bullies now.

I'll tell you where they're happy.

Yeah.

They are the ones that always win.

Deep Creek Lake getting their dick sucked in a Dodge dynasty.

Yeah, there's someone.

By a woman who's divorced.

Yes.

A woman whose life was so much worse for last year.

Guess what, brother?

She's divorced.

And his day job was so funny.

He did like tape backup for Kaiser Permanente.

Yep.

Like something like, there's no way this is going to be a job.

It shouldn't be a job now.

Yeah.

I do magnetic tape backup for a healthcare provider.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's awesome, dude.

Yeah.

His job is just completely replaced with one USB stick.

Damn.

Yeah, let me see if I can find his videos.

And I want to make it clear, too, to any of the fucking retards that listen to this show, that think this is somebody you should bully.

It's not.

We like him more than you.

We like him more than you.

It's not even close.

Yeah.

This is not.

He's just because he's happy.

Yeah.

And you aren't.

Yeah.

And you never will be.

And we aren't either.

But we have, but thank you for paying us.

Yeah.

He had this

public access show.

Right.

Thank you to the people who are paying.

Those people are this public access show.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, this guy rocks.

Oh, I love him.

I really do.

Yeah.

Oh, he looks great.

I've been listening to some tapes here.

Kyle looks like you.

So the bit is: hey, man, I'm just listening to some tapes here.

And he's got duct tape on his ears.

Hell yeah, dude.

Hey, man, I've just been listening to some tapes here.

And with that,

all right,

you want it, you got it.

With that being the introduction, once again, my guest co-host Stevie Ray Bands.

My guest, Kay Hayes.

Back in.

I got something for this audience, man.

These guys are some rowdy people.

And if this doesn't work, because it's all tight, what I was...

I hate this.

Oh,

that's all right.

We can bleep it.

Bleep it, Larry.

We can bleep it.

He's like, don't worry about it.

And then Greg's like, watch this.

And he just turns the camera and he goes, fuck.

Fuck.

He's great.

Dude, did he write a book?

Yeah, he wrote a book,

Comedy Sickness.

I'm about to buy that.

Yeah, dude, Greg ruled.

Fuck, what's he up to these days?

I don't know.

I mean, like, you know, I think that restaurant eventually closed down.

But, yeah, he was a guy that just wanted to have a good time.

In the most basic way.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I'll tell you something on the back of this book, he does not look as good as he looked in that

video.

Yeah,

let me see.

Oh, yeah, I mean, he's much older.

This is probably from 20 years ago in this video.

I hate this actor.

I hate it.

This is uh

This collection of humor includes some of his best stand-up bits arranged into poetry form.

Yeah.

I like that.

Hell yeah, dude.

Everyone go out and buy Comedy Sickness on Amazon.

Yeah.

It's $16.48.

We can buy it used for $5.98.

That's not bad.

Very funny.

Joel Schubert of the Daily Sun.

Not your average poetry book.

It's good.

David Plowman of the Arizona Star.

This bloke is crazy.

Funny.

Edward Jenkins, The English Journals.

I mean, that seems like he made all those up.

The English Journals?

Yeah, no, he made all those up.

The Daily Sun.

Arizona Star is a real newspaper, I think.

What's the Daily Sun?

My dick.

Because it rises every day, and you start sucking it.

Like the sun.

Like, you suck the sun's rays.

That's how you suck my dick's skin.

There's the sun, and then there's like the daily whatever.

But I don't know if there's a daily sun.

Who knows, bro?

Dave

Daily Star,

Scottish Sun.

Anyways.

A man who has been in movies, television, radio, live on stage, and newspapers, and now an author.

He attended broadcasting.

Tough, what a good guy.

Everyone go out and buy this.

Let's make this a number one New York Times bestseller.

You can also catch him singing and or DJing at various karaoke bars.

Respect.

Damn, I'm trying to get some fucking pussy Bahanish style, dude.

I'm trying to hang out with my boy Smoke Weed, step out for a second to get top, and then come back immediately.

That's a very,

dude.

Honestly, it's like his shit fucking.

That's awesome.

That's the dream.

Yeah, the setup, yeah.

I mean, like, that's those house painter guys reminded me so much of fucking Bahanish.

Behanish.

Those dudes that were like, I guess they're just like Gen X, but like, you know, like, yeah, I don't know what, you know, like that's somebody that just had a good time.

Good ass time.

But it's not attached to anything.

The absence of worry is what's awesome.

You just keep chugging, keep trucking.

Who gives a fuck?

We'll figure it out.

Right, yeah.

No, I just want to smoke weed and have my daily access prop comedy show.

Got a cabin up in Deep Creek, man.

Yeah, dude.

Once we get this little two-bedroom in Glen Burner, dude, we go to the mall.

What's that Juggalo Mall right there?

I never actually go to on Glen Bernie.

The fuck is that one called?

I don't know.

Fuck.

Marley Station.

You ever go to Marley Station?

Yeah.

This is so funny, dude.

Look at this.

This is an account called Crutches and Spices.

And they wrote, I guess this is the type of ableist bullshit you have to deal with when using DoorDash.

And it's like them texting with their DoorDash driver.

It says, hi, this is DoorDash.

I I will be there in three minutes.

I'll meet you in the lobby of Building 1000.

And then it says, I'm disabled, and I need you to come to an apartment, blah, blah, blah.

And they were like, I cannot leave my car in a fire lane.

They're like, I need you to come upstairs.

I'm in pain and cannot go downstairs at the moment.

You should be fine.

Drop it off with the front desk then.

And they said, the food is at the front desk.

And it says, maybe if you were unable to accommodate disabled people, you should get another gig.

I was reporting this interaction to DoorDash, and they're like, I can't park illegally.

I just said a $300 ticket.

I mean, honestly, though, fuck that.

Fuck that delivery driver.

For what?

What?

Not parking in a fire lane.

Let's see the disabled man.

Isn't it three seats?

Like, I want to see, if you're going to do this, I want to see her entire tipping history to every single DoorDash driver.

That's true.

If it's not at minimum $5 at minimum for every single day, listen to every single fucking order.

I tip fatly, but I will say, in New York, everyone comes to your apartment.

No, they don't, dude.

Yeah, they do.

I fucking walk down the steps every time.

They go out to the front, yeah.

What?

Yeah.

Every time I walk down to the fucking steps, the steps, which I don't have a problem doing.

You brought it all the way to my house.

I'm not going to fucking make this guy on a fucking moped walk up the stairs to my apartment.

But

you don't have a buzzer, do you?

I do have a buzzer, but they don't.

No, you don't buzz us in.

What's that?

No,

you have a lock.

Yeah, no, but they don't even come up the outside steps.

Interesting.

They're down at the street level when I walk down.

I usually have to meet them on the street.

Well, all I can say to you is...

You can buzz people up.

I buzz people up like Seinfeld.

This is a comment.

This and drivers never wanting to wait for me longer than five minutes despite telling me that I'm a wheelchair user.

Or despite telling them that I'm a wheelchair user.

And I like that subtle use of wheelchair user rather than someone that needs a wheelchair.

Yeah.

Because it's like.

Well, they could use

a longboard.

They're like, personally, I just like the wheelchair.

I like the wheelchair.

I'm a user of a wheelchair.

They could.

Oh, no.

There's people that choose to be in a wheelchair, which is so funny.

What do you mean?

There's people that, like, can walk, but would rather just be wheeled around in wheelchairs.

Respect.

Hold on.

Can I have a wheelchair?

Wait, is that like women with pain disorders?

Yeah, people in pain.

Yeah.

Harvey Weinstein.

I'm in pain, dude.

He's in deep.

Whenever my dick isn't being sucked, I'm in existential pain.

Yeah.

So I therefore ergo.

I need one of those fucking Stephen Hawking wheelchairs.

Ergo, man.

That's a cool ass word.

Thank you.

Makes me think of going to Deep Creek Lake.

Maybe they could air go to the polls.

Oh, yeah.

Shouts out to Elizabeth Warren hitting the Dougie while Iran

was bombing our bases.

Oh, yeah.

Shout out to Iran, too.

Yeah.

R.I.P.

Suleimani, dude.

He was a big humboy, I heard.

He was.

He loved our shit, dude.

R.I.P.

to the boy um

and then you know well i guess we're not going to war i hope not dude iran's tight

yeah iron's sick

our friend mirsham's from there

is from there

um this is ridiculous plus the cuisine is awesome i'm getting mad reading this okay go on people some people are being reasonable like hold the businesses accountable or whatever and then just some fat person or park legally and do your job dd literally literally requires you to bring it to a person's store.

If you can't, you're told to decline the order and take a different one.

It's like, so these people that work for like fucking below minimum wage.

With no benefit.

With no under, no, there's no, you're not going to know what's the situation at your address until you get there.

Yeah.

So they're supposed to take the order there, find out they can't deliver it, cancel and refund your order, probably get fired.

I mean, it's like,

no, drop it off at the front desk.

So you never leave your apartment ever.

There's no way you can go to the fucking front desk.

You ordered a service.

We need to draft disabled people and send them to Iran.

To do what exactly?

Annoy them.

Annoy them.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

I'm disabled, just blowing their nose on a bunch of tapestry.

I have to do this.

Some ancient.

Yeah.

Some ancient like fucking.

Right.

Shoving a genie lamp up their ass.

I don't know.

I feel like a genie lamp with Mountain Dew and jumping out of it.

I need this.

I'm emotionally disabled.

Excuse me.

I'm disabled, and this is ableist for you to say that I can't wipe my ass on your oriental rug.

Those rugs fucking rock.

My mom repairs those.

That was her job for years.

They're awesome.

Take a look at what's below you right now.

That's not real, though.

That's from like Home Depot.

No.

No, it's not.

Max.

Max got it.

Really?

Yeah.

It's really nice.

It was free because someone cut it in half on the other side.

Oh.

It's like double the size of this.

Damn, for real?

Yeah, a giant rug.

Interesting.

It's very nice.

It's alright.

I don't know.

Something's off with this.

This is not.

Ah, fuck kids.

What's off with it?

It's not.

I don't know.

It doesn't look hand done to me.

Hand done?

Well, it's not a flat weave.

It's got a.

I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.

Yeah, shut the fuck up.

Were you the one

who spent some of his adolescence at Michael's Oriental Rugs?

Michael's Rug Gallery?

I wouldn't use that name.

That's what they're called.

I don't know about that.

In the 90s, that's what they were called.

Did you ever get brought to antique shops by your mom ever?

No, never antique shops.

She never went to one?

I remember a handful of times, and it was always like...

driving somewhere like taking like going to New York but like through PA like going like a weird way I have like like memories of like yeah maybe there was one like probably through Lancaster some shit like that there was one i think there was like a like at some small town north of like frederick or something that i went into like an antique shop one time when i was a kid and like it just creeped the fuck out of me oh yeah just old shit

you know yeah i mean uh

we we she never took us to that place but she took us to like one of her friends her the her boss at her boss's house was like that i remember one time we had to go visit and it was just like all old creepy shit and he was like an old iranian man and his wife was like the most annoying jewish lady i've ever met in my life.

And it was just like everything was antiques.

You couldn't touch anything.

A lot of creepy dolls.

Yeah, those houses suck.

And the furniture is never comfortable.

Never comfortable, dude.

Yeah.

It's all like, yeah, it's all.

Those places suck.

Yeah.

Give me bean bags.

Nothing but bean bag chairs.

Hell yeah, dude.

Fort style.

I want, yeah, I want blankets.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

I want fucking snuggies.

You know when people sometimes make you take your shoes off in my house?

If you take your clothes off, you put a snuggie on.

That's very nice.

Well, it's just because I'm afraid of the germs.

It just looks like a fucking eyes wide shut.

I'm about to have a fucking household where you take your shoes off and put little Korean fucking spa slippers.

That's a really nice touch.

Honestly, if you're in a no-shoes house, you should.

You've got to have the Korean spa slippers.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

And I'm going to have wide, by the way, because I know what it's like to be given complimentary footwear and it's not wide enough.

When a person literally can't get to where you left their food, you have no right to expect empathy or a tip.

I'm going to find this person and kill them.

I kid it.

Theoretically.

I'm going to do it in

what do people say in Minecraft?

Yeah, is that?

I don't know.

Isn't that one of them?

Is it like a way around it?

The way people either say in Minecraft or

I would love to get into it in a self-defense situation.

What the fuck was I just about to say?

Damn, now I'm thinking about it.

Now you got me reminiscing about my time after school at Michael's Rug Gallery, dude.

Yeah.

There was a good-ass Chinese spot right there.

Hold on, they meant to be hot.

Uh-oh.

The disabled chicks?

Yeah.

Oh,

no, never mind.

And okay, all right.

Thank God.

It makes sense.

Looks like Barney from Simpsons.

Yikes.

Damn.

Yeah.

So there's a 7-Eleven, dude, and sometimes I would get slushies

and Chinese food.

Would you mix up the flavors?

Absolutely.

Suicide style.

And we became friends with the people that owned it, the Korean family that owned it.

They had a very cute, fat little daughter.

Sometimes they would just

charge me for the slushies, dude.

Oh, I thought you were going to say used to hook up.

No, she was like a baby.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, dude.

I thought, you know, they had a fat little kid.

Your mom had a fat little kid.

Nah.

We didn't fuck it up.

They dress you guys up in matching outfits.

That would actually be cute as hell.

I would love that.

We should all have kids around the same time

so that they can all go out with each other.

Yeah, dude.

My son's going to fuck all your sons in the asses.

Yeah, our sons could be gay together.

But mine will win.

Mine will break your son's hearts because his cock is going to be good and big because it skips a generation.

I can't wait for my son to be living at his mother's house.

Yeah, that really is the dream.

no joke i would love to be a fucking just a dad that pops in every a cool distant dad really the real trend

ethan hawk in boyhood yep just have a sick car yep i like that like all of these social issues that fucking bled out of academia and like just like distilled into whatever the fuck social media became are is now just at the level of customer service disputes and that's all they are Yeah, it's literally just fucking, it is just customer service disputes.

No, I mean, I get that it's like difficult to be disabled and like have to go down and get your food, but they're like taking it out on the most vulnerable members of the system.

I mean, look,

I see what they're saying because if the fucking business, if the business, what they advertise is we get it right to your door and they don't send it and they don't do that, that's fucking annoying.

But at the same time, you're like, who are you mad at?

You're mad at a fucking

minimum wage, like, driver.

That shit's happened to me.

And I've been mad, and then I'm like, she's fucking, who cares?

You know what I mean?

You just go get your shit and you tip them extra because your life is better.

You know what I'm saying?

You just got head after a road gig and you wanted some pizza.

Exactly.

And what am I going to be mad that they don't come into the hotel?

Or am I just going to pop outside,

get the pizza and wings,

tell her thank you?

Her son is in the car.

I feel bad now.

Yeah, he had to wait.

Which is something that literally happened to me.

One time a DoorDash lady had her, like, I was mad because she took forever and wouldn't drop the shit off.

Oh, I thought the lady that was giving you the blowjob had her son in the car.

Yeah.

I literally literally thought.

Guess what?

She's divorced.

No, that's never happened to me.

Just some chick coming over.

I think I've only fucked one mom in my life.

Have you?

How many have you?

Oh.

I mean,

I didn't, I wasn't trying to set you up.

I was asking Nick.

I was asking Nick that question, Nick.

He was looking at me, but he was asking you.

Yeah, but Asian Babashi.

Oh, man, our friend for me wrong.

Anyway.

That's funny.

Damn.

I can't wait to.

Honestly, I know it's bad for a kid, but being like a distant father seems cool.

Oh, yeah.

Going to laser tag and getting ice cream Sundays and shit.

Talking shit about mom.

The truth is, though, none of us will be fathers and we'll die alone.

Yeah.

No, no, I don't know, man.

I think I could see myself being a bad father.

No, you're going to have a heart attack in a couple years.

I'm going to overdose, and Adam's going to, like,

I don't know, discover some weird inheritance from

some vampire uncle.

Yep.

I wish.

Yeah.

Nah, you'll find, you'll just, like, fall into some kind of money and not do it.

No, I think I will probably have a family, but not leave them in the right.

When I do die early, not leave them in the right situation.

That would be nice, man.

Take from everyone, not give back.

I just want to die in my owl sanctuary.

It'll happen, dude.

Yeah, move to Montana and have a little owl sanctuary.

It'll happen, dude.

Now it's Montana?

Yeah.

Shit, when I first met you, you were talking about Montana.

Oh, yeah.

that's a motorcycle.

I thought it was a taxidermy school.

Yeah, taxes.

No, it was Montana.

He was going to go to taxidermy.

He did you had an Alaska phase.

That was brief.

That was recent.

And that was more about.

That was more about property taxes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't you get paid for living there too because of the oil revenues?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Damn.

Do you get head from Alaska?

Is about to fucking be very,

you know, Hava Nagila.

If you know what I mean.

There's a book about that.

Jewish Alaska.

The Yiddish Policeman's Union.

The Yidd the Yid Yiglus.

The Iglu.

Yid Glu.

The Michael Chebone.

Oh, yeah, we've talked about this before.

I listened to,

I think the author was on Fresh Air.

Michael Chebone.

And I listened to the interview, but I'll never read the book.

Ice Switch.

Ice Switch.

Nope.

Like Auschwitz, but it's cold.

I think it was pretty cold in the middle.

Auschwitz too.

Yeah.

No, it was very comfortable.

No, I think it was in Poland.

It would be funny if it was Auschwitz and it's just like a fire.

Motel 6.

I don't think, I really don't think that.

Oh, you mean like it's a development?

No, no, I mean, at the time, it was like a Super 8 or whatever.

And then afterwards, like, oh, the beds were awful.

And it was like there was barbed wire.

I have to say, I have to say, at Auschwitz, the service was terrible.

Yeah, I believe that.

You know, you would ring a bell and nobody would show up.

Damn, what movie did I just watch where somebody talked about being in Auschwitz and got it?

Oh, it was that Paul Rudd show where he's like his twin or something.

Oh, yeah, there's a clone or something.

My cousin was watching that when he was in Twitch.

Yeah, it looks fucking annoying and stupid, honestly.

He liked it a lot.

Yeah, tell him to suck my fucking dick.

Paul Chudd, how about that?

He did erase my memory card and my PS1.

Dude, that's...

Don't bring it up.

That is which game?

Tony Hawk Pro Skater.

I brought it up on the show before.

I got heated every time I think about it.

Dude, I worked so hard on When my franchise mode on Madden would get saved over, I would be fucking pissed, dude.

Unbelievable.

All the work you put in.

All the work.

All the not getting pussy in high school to play franchise mode on Madden and draft well.

I loved drafting.

I didn't even like playing the actual games that much, dude.

You liked the front office?

I was a front office guy.

Yeah, me too.

I loved scouting.

You know, checking out the rookies, the promising young rookies.

sorry, I thought it was I had to say something.

No, that was just saying.

The SBN got in trouble because they had like a like a slave auction, right?

For

what?

Yeah, they like, it wasn't like an

it wasn't like a slave.

They held an auction, maybe it was for fantasy football for the draft or something.

Uh-huh.

And then they were like, no, this is like you're auctioning off.

That's how people play fantasy football, though.

You auction players off.

I guess it is kind of like a.

The fucking.

I mean,

what is the fuck.

The combine is fucked up.

These motherfuckers are naked.

They're like measuring their bodies and shit.

And they're asking them like...

You have to get completely naked.

They make you sit on one of those bicycles with a dildo in it.

And you go as fast as you can while they measure your heart rate.

Yep, exactly.

And they're like, ah, he's gay.

He's crossed.

He's too gay.

His heart isn't beating fast enough.

He's enjoying it too much.

We can tell he's smiling.

He's too relaxed.

Yeah, and then they have like interviews with the where they play mind games.

Where they fuck with you, yeah.

It's fucked up.

He doesn't have the leadership qualities.

Yeah, like who'd they tell?

Who's the guy that they were like?

I think Des Bryant.

They were like,

No, they're like, Your mom's a whore.

They called his mom a prostitute.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, yeah, you should swing on somebody that says that shit in a professional setting.

Imagine if he was like, I heard your mom's a fucking slut to the GM.

They'd be like,

he's unacceptable.

He doesn't have the leadership qualities to play the quarterback position.

Yeah.

How about the beat offership qualities?

The beat offership?

Where am I?

I have some serious beat offership qualities.

I'm being cooked by the light.

Yeah, you're pretty toasted.

That's getting me.

Sucked off by my mouth.

That's putting me into the zone.

I'm sucking your dick and then I'm fucking your ass.

I feel like I just always have heartburn now.

It just never goes away.

Yeah, it's part of it.

Well, we did have a pretty greasy diner breakfast.

You You had a greasy-ass diner burger.

I've been smoking a lot, too.

Have you been?

Yeah.

Yeah, that'll do her, Chief.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

That'll do her, Chief.

I saw the Richard Jewell movie.

Oh, yeah.

That looks stupid.

It was possibly gay.

No, Nick.

That is a good point, what Nick just said.

And I actually sort of

Rotten Tomatoes featured reviewer.

You would really like it, Nick, because it's like one of the most anti-cop movies I've ever seen.

Oh, really?

From Clint Eastwood.

You know, me, Punk Rock,

A-C-A-B.

Nick is sticking poking ACAB onto his fucking tits right now.

I just hate authority.

And now the cops and the people, the cops hate...

Well, not really.

The cops don't have a problem with disabled people.

I bet you that.

Disabled people have too much authority.

That's what I think.

That's true.

They control all the parking spaces.

They boss people around.

Yep.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, dude.

I want that spot.

I'm trying to go to Buffalo Wild Wings.

I'm not trying to fucking walk too much.

You fucking assholes.

Yeah.

How about that?

Yeah.

Because honestly, dude, I get to White Marsh Mall and I'm trying to watch UFC and eat Buffalo Wild Wings.

The spot that's for expecting mothers, too, is bullshit.

Because it's like, that's like.

That's a spot?

Yeah,

this one's for expecting mothers.

And it's like, that's, you hadn't, you didn't.

What sucks about childbirth is squeezing the fucking thing out of your pussy.

No, I think carrying a child probably is.

Oh, no.

It's so super.

literally fucking the same as being fat.

Thank you.

It is fucking no different than being fat.

Thank you.

You throw up a woman's body.

I throw up a lot.

I get stuck.

When I eat a whole fucking thing of Ben and Jerry's at 3 a.m., I wake up and I have a fucked up stomach and I have diarrhea.

Okay.

And they did it to themselves.

As I did.

Yeah.

We have a lot in common, pregnant women and fat people.

You know what?

Disabled people, parking spots gone.

Mothers, parking spots gone.

Fat people, only the dudes.

Cha-ching.

thank you.

Fat dudes only, they get up front.

Thank you.

Fat women, you better get yourself pregnant, bitch.

That's right.

Oh, we took their spots away.

Well, how about this?

If you're fat before you got pregnant, because then you're double fat, then you're double fat.

So then you get a spot.

And you have to deal with

being a man.

You have to carry a child because you've been carrying all that weight.

You have to deal with that.

Exactly.

No, what Nick is saying is right.

Okay.

Because the baby is like a cock in the body.

The way society doesn't treat them.

Yeah.

Society treats them.

Double fat women and fat men get spots.

Pregnant men get parking spots.

Pregnant men.

How much would it cost to get me on the stage of the next debate?

We'd have to get a certain amount of donors.

Who's that guy?

Hoyer?

Yeah,

we have another.

There's two people doing a debate as a team, and it's Nick and Stav who share a two-bedroom apartment.

Glenn Bernie.

Dude, Glen Burney is so fucking horrible.

Glen Burney sucks, Dick, dude.

And I remember I was like, ah, it's not that bad.

It's like the butt of the joke, the way like Dundalk and shit is.

But it's like, you know what, dude?

There's some charm to Dundalk.

Yeah, Glen Burney is not as bad as, or Glen Burney's worse than Dundalk because it's not as bad as Dundalk.

Exactly.

It's nice.

Dundalk is like gets to be

the one of those places.

It's like Dundalk, Columbia.

Yeah.

They think it's their suburb.

You know what I mean?

It's like, this is nice.

Well, Dundalk gets to be that place.

It's like, this is just this retarded white trash

kind of like ridiculous shithole.

Whereas Glen Burney is like that, but also they got a bunch of Paneras.

Exactly.

You know what Dundalk has is charming local businesses like Jimmy's famous seafood.

Like a Chinese restaurant that used to be a paint store.

Exactly.

There literally is one of those.

There's that weird Squire's pizza that's like this old-ass, like, everyone says it's good-ass pizza and it sucks dick.

That's good.

That's pretty much, I'm kind of topping it.

Ooh, there's the diner that my dentist owns.

That one time when my brother was getting a fucking teeth cleaning,

someone came in, whispered in his ear that there was a gas that was making people sick in the diner, and he stopped cleaning my brother's teeth and ran away to fix it.

There's that place.

I believe it's called the Bull.

I won't say what it's called for legal reasons, but

you know, that exists.

The Popeyes that my mother would take us to

after we sat in the library while she did Errands and, you know, did Carmen San Diego and didn't read a book, and then also rented Mystery Men.

Yeah, that movie is.

I re-watched that recently.

It's good.

Yeah.

Pee-wee Herman's return, I believe, after the.

How much pussy do you think Pee-Wee Herman got?

Was he gay?

Paul Rubens?

No, they got caught masturbating in a thing.

In a porn theater.

But was it gay porn?

No.

But that's like bullshit, right?

Doesn't everyone masturbate in a porn theater?

Is that the point?

Just you.

No.

Wilford, what's this?

Well, I told you guys about that.

Would you be mad if the audience finds out that you go to gay porn theaters and masturbate?

Because I won't tell them.

We won't say anything if you.

Hold on.

All right.

Just so I won't say anything.

Just don't bring it up.

I beeped it.

I beeped all that stuff.

Yeah, we beeped the stuff about saying that you go to gay porn theaters.

Pay Jack off and then suck off the...

Because in the past, you're like, I'm worried the audience is going to find out that I'm a pedophile.

So if you could just keep that on the download.

And we have.

We've never.

Hold on.

Beep it out.

Yeah, that's beep.

It's just

we've never brought it up, and we've always lied to the cops for you, too.

We've always lied to the cops.

And they have come to our that's why I don't like the cops.

That's why you had to say

you hate the cops because you're implying that you're reminding yourself that I'm a good friend to you.

Yeah.

I was a big Blue Lives Matter guy until they started trying to get you for fucking children, which you do all the time.

You're having sex with him.

You're like, look, first of all, there's a difference between a febophilia and pedophilia, and I am a pedophilia.

And I'm both.

I'm a pedophile.

I want to be the guy that's like making that distinction, but they're like, I fuck six-year-olds.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

There's got to be a difference between pedophilia.

There's got to be multiple ones.

Yeah.

There's probably baby guys who fuck babies.

Yeah.

Even in the baby fucking community, there's the guys that are like, the infant isn't dead, guys.

It's not like we are, first of all, it is mostly a servicing relationship.

We do a lot to the infant, not in them.

We suck the baby's balls

and jag its little penis.

That's such a fucking.

Imagine being a cop having to investigate stuff like that.

And you just have to fucking talk respectfully to somebody that you've arrested for sucking a baby's balls.

Just jagging its little soft penis.

And they're like, it's okay, Mike.

Yeah, your lawyer said to be here in a minute.

Obviously, you don't have to talk to us, but you need a coffee or anything.

And it's like, your job to gather evidence.

That job has to be traumatic.

And you have to fucking.

suck.

Yeah, and it's funny because there's people that do that.

I have a friend who works in

SBU in Montgomery County.

Cops will kill themselves, and then people are like, probably because you felt guilty about all the black men he killed.

And it's like, or, you know, just having to look at child pornography as a job.

For his job.

And not to be sympathetic to police officers.

I mean, they deserve to die for the

killing the black men.

The ones that aren't.

But the reason they did it is often a reason of humanity.

Yeah.

And thank you for joining us on on the 700 Club.

That's right.

That's true.

I wish the 700 Club had the same theme song as Kirby or Enthusiasm.

Yeah.

I'm Pat Robertson.

There's starving children in Africa, and they deserve to be that way because they're gay.

You know, it's called that because

Jesus' dick was 700 inches from.

Now that one deserves the guitar riff, dude.

I I don't know if that's still on here.

Yeah.

I'm going to learn how to play guitar like that.

I still have that electric guitar we bought at Guitar Center.

You bought.

You haggled.

Nick and I were together.

You're going to try and sell it to you.

No, I'm saying we can jam, dude.

I tried to jam.

I tried to learn how to play guitar when I was in like ninth grade, I think.

I'm still trying, dude.

And my teacher was this blonde guy that wore a shirt that said NYPD, biggest street gang in the world.

Yeah, he was an AKA guy.

Cool.

And I saw that, I was like, damn, hell yeah.

Nice, brother.

Milkshakes, brother.

It was pretty milkshakes, dude.

I know.

That whole thing is so good.

I'm throwing milkshakes at fascists.

That will show them.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's fascists.

I love to wear my messenger bag.

go around on my bike, and get mad at fascism.

Damn, I would love a milkshake and then a little nap.

I don't want to go to therapy, dude.

I haven't gone to therapy in four weeks, and the holidays happen so much.

I got so much to fucking unload on my man right now.

Yeah,

do you guys kiss?

If I don't know, I can feel like he wants to hug sometimes.

Yeah, what about instead of like a massage party?

I don't want to.

It's like a therapy party gets jacked off at the end.

I think it's a psychiatrist.

You get more pressure.

That's not bad.

Nice.

And some guy was like leaving her office in the appointment before mine.

And I get in there.

I was like, who the fuck was that?

Yeah, what the fuck?

She was laughing.

You're seeing another guy.

I was like, no, what the fuck is this?

You know, and she's like laughing.

And then I was like, what if I just continued this bit the entire time?

Is she going to stop me and be like, your problem is that you turn everything into a joke?

No, I wouldn't say that's your issue.

Yeah.

No.

No.

No, No, no.

Yep.

Absolutely not.

Adam, I'm going to return back.

I want to circle back to what you were saying about.

Yeah, what if you just get jacked off at the end of your session?

It'd be nice.

That would be reliable.

Oh, my dad did this, and you know, I'm

so scarred from that, and then you get jacked off.

So your therapist has to be a hot lady?

Oh, but whatever.

Or do they bring someone in?

Just a technician.

No, it would have to be the same person.

It would have to be the same person.

I think

you'd have to get the same guy.

Honestly, to be.

I see a guy myself

to be honest with you because I see a guy I don't really want to get.

I don't want him to be aware of that.

I don't want to get jumped off by my guy.

Me neither.

So, what I'm saying is,

bring a little link.

It would be weird, too.

Yeah, it would be weird to go see a therapist.

It's like a tiny Asian woman.

Dude, my therapist in Baltimore was hot.

Yeah, you've been doing a good job.

But don't you feel like you can't really be afraid of that?

Yeah, good job.

You do a good job on your brain.

Do they have talk therapy?

Dude, you need to do that.

That's what's going to lock you.

Yeah.

You fucking

get to your Chinese roots.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Do they have talk therapy in China?

Just a Chinese guy sitting down.

He's like, yeah, I feel bad.

And somebody being like, stop, don't.

Don't feel bad.

And he's like, okay.

I'm sure they do.

Okay, good job.

I'm sure they do, Nick.

I think they probably.

Yeah, it's probably exactly like that.

I think it's a little different than that, but.

It's probably just like that.

Yeah.

Well,

Apple's...

No, hold on.

I'm sure they do.

I don't know if they do.

I do not know if they have therapists in China.

I think it might be a Western thing.

It's very much a Western.

No, come on.

They got therapy.

What the fuck?

They didn't have therapy here until like the fucking 70s.

Yeah, but do they have other kinds of doctors in China?

Yes.

Yeah, but I mean, it's like, that's also, that doesn't mean that, like,

the idea that everyone should be in fucking therapy and that there's something fundamentally wrong.

I'm not saying it's in the fucking western-ass China, I'm saying in the big-ass cities.

But my therapist isn't a doctor, I think he's yeah, most aren't doctors, yeah.

Most aren't doctors, yeah, but it's kind of they have acupuncture, and this is like a couple of people.

Oh, yeah, they probably do have, you know what, you're right, they probably go to acupuncture.

This is like a bunch of Chinese guys on a podcast, and like, do you think they have fucking

that's a great point, actually?

They're like, Do they have acupuncture in America?

It's probably the same way we have acupuncture, it's kind of a niche thing.

Yeah, The fat Chinese guy.

Of course, they have acupuncture.

Don't they have other kind doctors?

And that fat acu the fat Chinese guy would be right, by the way.

The other Chinese guy is like, Yeah, but I bet the way America have acupuncture is real soft, like feather.

He goes, Oh, I taught you with feather.

Do you feel better, baby?

Or do you have to go talk to mine doctor?

Because you baby.

They're upset about capitalism.

Even though you live a very comfortable life in your baby world, world, you want to come to China to be real communist

because you're not getting enough money making $90,000 freelancing listicles

in your New York apartment.

Look, I'm not saying it's a thriving, fucking booming-ass business.

Probably in Hong Kong they have it, right?

For sure.

But I bet you, you know, it starts.

It's getting.

I'm going to look up a talk therapist in

therapy in China.

No, no, I'm going to find the town that's somewhere in the middle between talk therapy,

Ching.

No, no.

The demand for psychotherapy in China is.

Jing Jiang.

Thank you.

That sounds like a city in China.

And let's see.

Zero results.

So there you go.

They don't have it there.

Actually, I believe I've been vindicated.

Yeah.

Well, no, no, no, you haven't.

Because

they've been unable to meet demand because in 2013, there there was a law that went into effect that restricted the ability of psychologists in mainland China to offer psychotherapy.

Thank you.

No, I was right.

They need it and they have it.

But the fucking government

is stopping the beautiful free market.

Thank you.

No.

Y'all racist.

Y'all, y'all race.

It's not racist.

It's just a different culture.

I know.

I mean.

I don't even think they have that much therapy in Greece.

Yeah.

Ah, fuck.

Yeah, I mean, wherever they got juice, they got therapy.

Yeah, they only have psychotherapy in hospitals in China.

Yeah, that's what it says.

And that's the thing.

It's like when psychotherapy was invented, like fucking, like, it was to deal with like people with like neuroses, like, fuck people with like a stutter or people who like can't stop masturbating in public.

It's not like you wouldn't go to like a to see a psychoanalyst and being like, yeah, I got broken up with.

And it'd be like, yeah, but everybody fucking beat their wives when that shit started.

What do you mean?

Checkmate.

No.

Checkmate, brother.

You've never even played chess.

I have.

I was talking about checkers.

Yeah.

King me is what I meant to say.

Okay, that's not you winning the game.

King me.

Double, triple king me.

That's fine.

I still have gotten all of your pieces.

No, I'm not the king, bitch.

Yep, I have.

That I just said the king me.

You got one piece to the end of the board.

Meanwhile, what are you looking at?

Your whole back wall is filled with crowns.

Yeah, but I'm going to come back with my new king powers and get your whole shit.

Fuck your whole shit up.

It's physically impossible.

I've never put, I don't even know how checkers works, honestly.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

That's because I'm playing Chinese checkers.

Ah, fuck, dude.

My

dick

is

small.

I've never

seen my own dick.

Because it is too small.

It's small, and my balls are too.

my balls are bigger than my dick

because I'm getting

my penis.

But that song is by a blind guy.

Smells.

Oh, he's never seen his penis.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

But I haven't

seen my dick.

Damn, he's never seen titties.

Or a titty,

but never to titties event.

I haven't seen just one,

but

my dick is small.

Even though I haven't seen it,

I know that it's small.

Corbella is just like, what a beautiful song.

My wife tells me my dick is small.

And I want to

love to go to Naples and to listen to that song.

Oh, yeah, her and What's Her Face went to Roe.

Her and Waiter.

Went to Paris, though.

Didn't Roe get her fucking pussy worked over in Paris?

Yeah, she got things

by Caribbean rappers.

Wait, really?

No.

No.

She did get her pussy stuffed over.

I've actually slowly been re-watching this show.

I mean, I'm constantly just watching the shows.

I'm getting the season six.

Now, when is the fucking like Kevin Finerty?

6B.

6B.

Yeah.

Oh, really?

It's deep in there.

Yeah, it's.

In my mind, it was way earlier.

People were going crazy at the time because they were like, the show is almost going to be over, and they're in this like dream state.

He gets shot at the end of season 6A.

Well, you're right.

It is that late.

Holy shit.

And people are like, what the fuck is this shit?

I want to say that.

Hey, what the fuck?

I want him to whack some fucking move.

That shit isn't mine.

My dick

is too small.

My pin is

and my dude.

Throw a little effect on that dude and my dick is too small

My dick is too small Hold on let's see my

dick

is too small

I can't fuck

anyone with

my small ass little fucking dick

I'm gay and my dick

than my balls

my balls are

bigger than my dick

I'm gay and no one sucks me off

I love singing

small as my balls sack a show called America's America's Next Dude

America's Next Guy That Hangs Out

Guy that chills, dude.

The guys that chill.

I've never had sex.

I am gay.

Please fuck my ass.

I am gay.

I'm gay.

My ass is fucked.

I get

fucked in my ass.

Please fuck my ass.

Please

fuck my ass.

Fuck my

fucking ass.

Don't

fuck me

with a pussy.

With a pussy.

I must only be fucked by

men.

Because I'm gay as hell.

And

thank you for listening.

Thank you for listening to the show.

To come

town,

this is the end.

This show sucks.

We're gonna kill ourselves.

I don't want to do it anymore.

I'm not being ungrateful.

I've seen

the way

all of this ends.

It's not pretty, it's going to be bad.

Unless you quit while you're ahead.

And then not even

the pinnacle

was the trip to Australia.

And ever since then, it's just been delaying the inevitable.

I just wish we could have had a conversation.

Ah, hell yeah.

Oh, what do you wish, Adam?

That we could shout out.

now.

I'll leave a message.

Dude, the effects are so fucking good.

That's so big.

Dude, I felt like I was really singing over there for a second.

Let's turn this into a singing podcast.

I'll get an auto-tuner to plug it in.

It's happening.

Wow.

Let's do it.

Yeah.

And then we can really develop our singing voice.

Next bonus, don't expect to hear a single non-songs.

It would be so funny instead of quitting the show, we just sincerely made this singing practice and people could listen to us like try to harmonize.

And there's no

like you know, when Steve Martin did a banjo album, yeah, it's like for two years, the podcast is just harmonized, us learning how to, yeah, but then songs that suck, yes, you know, of course, yeah, it wouldn't be like funny, it would be like real sincere songs we're trying to do.

It's 12 o'clock and it's a

wonderful day.

You're listening to the Silver Chair podcast.

I know you hate me, but I'll ask anyway.

Take you,

Cleveland.

Let's do hilarities again, but just sing.

Yeah.

I went to an improv show the other day.

Why don't you come with me and fuck me in my ass?

Fuck me in my fucking ass.

The first act.

Fuck my fucking nails.

I'm gay.

Shut up.

Random fucking gay.

And I can't fuck my ass.

Flies in the Vaseline, we are.

Can't wait to get fucked in my ass.

Can't stop thinking about getting fucked

in my ass.

You fuck me, I fuck you.

Fuck me in my ass.

Thank you for fucking my ass.

I am gay, and it feels real good.

Flies in my ass, we are.

What's real and what's for sale?

My ass is for sale.

That's pretty good.

Oof, ooh.

Yeah.

Well, you know, they do like 90s.

The best lyrics of anything.

I smell hard ass pain ass.

I smell getting

fucked in my ass.

Who's that sucking

on my balls?

Yeah, very good.

Very good.

Thank you.

I lost my mind

thinking about gay sex.

All of the gay sex that I left behind on Allison Road.

What are some other songs

from the 90s?

Yeah, let me take a look at.

Yeah, just take a look.

We'll just go ahead and look here on Google.

Just take a look.

I'm getting sucked off now.

What song is that?

We have to guess the song.

Okay.

And I

have never had sex

before.

Because.

Is that Queen's Reich Mall?

I don't know.

I don't even know.

What's that Queen's Reich?

That was an original?

No, it's a song, but I don't remember what it is.

It's that Queen's Reich song, Silent Lucidity.

And I, no,

and I have never sucked it.

I don't know the actual songs.

Wow, this game rules.

This is a great game to play with a guy that doesn't know the song.

Can't tell you whether you're not.

I don't know what song you were doing earlier.

What?

The ointment shit?

Vaseline by Stone Temple Poppy.

I have no idea.

I've never heard that song.

But I was vibing, I'll tell you that much.

You know, you know this.

I got one.

I got one.

Um,

sok on my dick because I'm gonna suck my penis.

I am my forever.

Yeah, suck my fucking penis.

I am gonna suck my penis.

My dick is fucking little, and I want to suck your penis.

Hey, suck my penis.

This is Vasil.

Oh, okay.

It sounds familiar.

I mean, I was vibing, don't get me wrong.

Hey,

come on, Scott.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, this is a good ass song, dude.

This shit rocks.

Yep.

Although, I gotta say, I like our version better.

Yeah.

Yeah, you really kiss and fuck me in my home.

I'm gay.

I fuck you, you fuck me.

Yeah, definitely.

Definitely.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Well, listen, what about

Falling Gay with Michael Douglas, huh?

Oh, just the movie?

Yeah.

Falling down?

Yeah.

But he's had enough.

You call this a cheeseburger?

They used to put come

between the patties.

There's something called customer service that you used to get.

Not anymore.

Everything's cheap.

I was wondering if there's a place to have gay sex.

Is there a place to have gay sex around?

Is there a place to have gay sex in the bathroom?

Yeah, I like falling gay.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Wasn't there some idea of customer service?

That you could have gay sex.

Then you could be paid for having gay sex.

You know, someone used to come out and have gay sex with the customers.

In my day, you came to a JC Penny's for a new suit, they sucked your cock, and they sucked you.

This was the song you were doing.

No.

I don't think so, dude.

And I

have never fucked your ass.

This is your favorite song.

I've never, I don't know this song.

This is Dom's favorite song.

I don't know, dude.

I think Dom puts on at night.

I think it's yours, dude.

No, but I did live with this fucking white trash couple.

It was like, I forget the guy's name, but he had been in prison for four years.

And as soon as you met him, he would be like, yeah, how you doing?

His name was like Glenn or something.

He was a bricklayer.

And he had this fat bitch girlfriend, Terry.

Go on and die, you fat bitch.

Terry was just a pig.

And he just, but, I mean, I told this story before, but yeah, one time I came in and they were watching like fucking,

watching Queen Reich, uh, Queens Reich on like Comcast Music Tunes or something.

Hell yeah.

They're like Comcast Music channel.

And just she just had her eyes closed and was like shaking her head back and forth.

Just vibing.

Yeah, just getting really into Queens Reich.

Hell yeah.

And then he was like, you know, doing that like standing like full body

rhythmic fucking.

Yeah.

And it's like 3 p.m.

They're just drunk.

Respect.

Yeah.

It's a nice little afternoon right now.

That guy, Glenn, was so funny, man.

Because I would smoke weed with him in the garage.

I was like 19.

He was like 37.

Hell yeah, dude.

I smoke weed with him in the garage.

He's like, yeah, you know.

I mean, I just did four years in prison, but I don't like talking about it.

I was like, this is a cool.

You don't have to.

And he's like,

yeah, it's for assault.

Some guy fucking started some shit at a bar and I fucked his ass up.

And I'll do it again.

Damn, he went to jail for that long.

It's like, you don't have to talk about it.

It's cool, man.

In fact, I'd kind of prefer if you didn't, actually.

Yeah, I didn't see him for a while.

And then, like, nobody saw him for a while.

And then

my other roommate, like, is like, yeah, I saw Glenn.

I guess he had a, he, like, shows up at the bar.

They worked at a bar.

And he's just got, like, claw marks all over his face.

He was like, yeah, me and Terry broke up.

Oh, shit.

He got attacked by the revenant.

Damn.

Yeah, we broke up.

Yeah, we broke up.

Yeah, just listening to fucking.

Before having disgusting, like, guy who was in jail and now has a fat girlfriend sex.

Yeah.

You have to know.

When this song dropped, you'll wait till the drop, and you'll just imagine these people.

Oh, my God.

Oh, this guy's singing voice is hilarious.

Someone close to you.

Sounds like South Park.

Does, dude.

One of the worst songs I've thought.

So here it is, another chance.

Hell yeah.

Or has it just begun?

No!

Oh, shit.

Or has it just begun?

And they look into each other's eyes.

No, not even.

They never looked in each other's eyes.

This fab is just like with the whole core's light and the fucking koozie, just like, just jamming head back and forth.

He's like fucking, like, looking like he's about to, whatever that throw-up, standing worm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a fucking good-ass song.

Respect to them, man.

Or has it just begun?

That's a fucking,

that's a conundrum right there.

Dude, has it just begun?

I fucking think about that shit all the time.

I'm sure I've talked to this guy before, but yeah, there was one time where he's like, fucking, yeah, man, I want to show you some of the tattoos I came up with in jail.

And he brings me into his room and he opens opens a shoebox.

And it's literally, I was like, oh, these are drawings.

These aren't tattoos.

Yeah.

These are things you've drawn on paper.

I know they're tattoos.

Yeah.

And what they, it was like, it was great, dude.

It was like a skull and a top hat with flames

around it.

That's awesome.

It's just an 11-year-old intellectual.

And then he's like looking, he's looking at the box.

And then he's like, just looking down and going through him.

And he's like, I'm going to show these to my son one day.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

God damn.

R.I.P.

to him.

I I assume he's dead.

Yeah, I don't know.

He's probably back in jail.

He was like one of those guys that would always talk about how fun Austin was in the 90s.

Oh, yeah.

And then the way he describes fun is like, you know, just doing blow every night, going out to bars.

And it's like, you know, you can still do that.

Yeah, all of that.

There's nothing to do.

Totally possible.

You can fucking go back to like Dell Valley, Texas, and do that there.

Yeah, yeah.

There's no reason to be here.

You're just a violent drug addict.

You get those Greyhound stations to get into arguments at in every city in this country.

Wherever you are, brother.

Oh, fuck, dude.

That diner breakfast is hitting me, dude.

Me too.

I'm feeling it.

I shouldn't have ordered those pancakes.

You got pancakes for the table, dude.

I know.

And I respected that move.

And it was delicious.

I just wanted my boys to have a sweetie drink.

Now I'm sleepy.

Listen, folks.

Please come see.

If you want somebody to sing gay songs, actually, I won't be singing gay songs on stage.

I'll be doing stand-up comedy.

but please come see me this month in tampa on the 26th milwaukee the 29th appleton the 30th chi-town 31st and the first

and then i'm in rhode island uh the weekend of the 6th through the 8th Dallas 13th through the 15th, Valentine's Day,

DC the 20th through the 22nd.

Then I'm in fucking

Phoenix, Tucson,

fucking Dublin, London,

and some other shit.

But yeah, go to stabby.biz for all that shit.

Go to my Twitter.

Go to my Instagram.

I'm coming to those cities.

And come to Fat Tuesdays, every Tuesday at the stand.

And we've got a hot funny moms coming back after our holiday break, right, Adam?

Yeah, it's gonna be hot.

And go to Nick, you're gonna be places, right?

I still don't know if that that shit's all up.

Okay, but soon Nick will also be around.

Mm-hmm.

So buy tickets to see your favorite little fuckboys on the road.

Australia in April.

And then Australia at some point in April we're coming, I think, if it's even still around as a country.

Yeah.

That shit's getting burnt too fast.

That's metal as hell, though, right?

That is some Queensreich type shit.

Some Queensreich.

And Australia.

It's on pie.

Prayers up for Australia.

Has it just begun?

And Australia.

I don't even know what the line is before that, but there's no way it's anything cool that warrants or has it just begun.

I think the dream is over, if I recall correctly.

The dream is over.

Or has it just begun?

Or has it just begun?

That would be cool if you think the dream is over and you're like, fuck, my cool dream's over.

Psych Beach, it's about to start.

Hold on, Sargos.

Or has it just begun?

I get it, dude.

I understand the impulse to want it to have just begun.

Oh, yeah, we're going to put on some Queen's Rocket up to Deep Creek Lake, get our dicks sucked in the Dodge Dynasty.

That's a man that lives by the

Just Become Code.

Yeah, yeah.

Fanish, dude.

All right.

Goodbye, everybody.

Go by Comedy Madness from Greg Vanish on Amazon.

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