Ep. 188 – Hindsight

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i am

my dick

i am my dick it's a new it's a new action movie where i get transformed into my own penis and i have to say i'm yeah something like that what's this this will come out january what what's today monday so this is a regular january 1st it's new year's day oh happy new year everybody new year everyone wow 2020

we're looking ahead to brighter and bigger things.

We're getting, I'll tell you something, we're getting drumf out of there.

I'm getting the surgery.

Adam is getting his cocks widened.

No, I'm getting a foreskin reattachment.

Are you?

And rhinoplasty.

That's a big year for me.

And a chin implant.

You're going to look like hot squidward.

Just be like, Jaylen.

Have your nose move to your chin.

Yeah.

You're going to have your arms and legs removed and your spine elongated.

Yeah, I've been thinking a lot about changing my appearance.

You've become a snake.

Snake, that's cool.

Snake.

That would be cool.

And then your chin nose can suck up all the coins from

underneath.

That would be cool.

Totally.

Now, if you're a snake, what happens to your penis?

Ever tell you my idea.

Do you put it on your back?

My idea for a trans surgery, because you can do whatever you want with them.

Oh, yeah, there's no like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's no consistent thing.

It's kind of like some doctors are figuring it out.

Yeah, I don't know.

Why none of them thought of this?

This is the best one.

Is you take the arms and legs and you just reverse them so the legs and arms face the other direction

and then you shave the back of the person's head and tattoo a woman's face

on the back of their head and then their ass is a pussy.

And then grow, yeah, and then they can get fucked and their ass is a pussy, but they still you draw a clit on top.

Yeah, well, you know, whatever.

So what do they have?

Do they have some kind of glasses that lets them see behind them?

No.

They just

bump it into things, but they got that pussy, you know.

Right, like, you know, I mean, there's people who are all.

Well, how about this?

Why not put your...

Why not put their heads off?

They're not blind people that have to walk backwards everywhere.

Yeah, that's why you reverse their arms and legs.

So they would be walking normally.

They would be walking normally, but yeah, I guess.

Well, why not just cut their head off and swivel it?

Because you can't.

Come on, that's ridiculous.

They did a head reattachment, didn't they?

Not backwards.

Wouldn't that be easier, theoretically?

Absolutely.

Your own body to reattach to your own body backwards?

I think they did a new face on someone.

Do they do a whole bunch of people?

Give them eyes on the back of their head.

That's not how it works.

Why wouldn't it?

Why don't you give them long-ass eyes, eyeballs?

That would be nice.

That turns all the way around.

No, all they need

because sometimes if you're like, all they would need is

like when you're riding a bike, sometimes they have helmets that kind of look like rearview mirrors where they have something like that.

So you give them glasses so they can see behind them.

And then we're in business.

Okay.

That's all you need.

Glasses.

Special glasses.

What about so their hair would flip around?

You gotta look at something on your hands.

I guess you just give them a wig.

Yeah.

You give them a wig to cover their face part.

What about their nose?

Their ears would be backwards, too.

Why?

You know how they call wigs and it's for your hair?

Yeah.

Why don't they call blackface,

you know?

I don't know.

Okay, well, it's a mask that makes your skin.

I don't know, and I don't want to think about it any further.

His skin the other color.

And it's like wig.

As of right now, I don't know and I don't want to give it any more thought.

It's like wig.

Okay.

And we're back.

That's cool.

It would be funny to have an ass in front.

Everyone wants to know about the Jake and Lewis thing.

And it is true, they did kiss.

I knew it.

And I actually beat off to that possibility.

Yeah.

Thinking that it might happen.

Yeah, Jake showed up on his bike with his milkshake.

Yep.

And then

ready to do.

He was going to throw it at Lewis.

And Lewis was like, don't.

Stop.

Stop it.

Stop.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

So Jake's like,

wait, you're gay too?

Whoa.

Wow.

You're also gay.

I didn't know we were.

And then he's like, guess what?

There's come in this milkshake.

Yeah.

And he's like, and Lewis is like, can I have some?

Lewis's like, yeah, of course, everyone from Mexico is gay.

Oh.

Oh, the Puerto Rican versus the Mexican.

No, yeah.

The Jake and Lewis thing, I don't know what it's about, but neither of those guys are white, so it's none of my business.

That's true.

We'll let the authorities figure it out.

We'll let our boys in blue get to the bottom of that one.

Two Latinos fucking having a shoving match, dude, sounds like 25 to life to me

around white people that were just trying to eat their pizza.

Oh, yeah.

They're just

great.

By the way, the Stan Comic Club and restaurant, restaurant, great food.

Great burger.

So there's a guy trying to eat pizzas.

There's a guy trying to eat his fucking stand burger by himself.

And all of a sudden.

They say a stand burger.

It's a double.

It's great.

And all of a sudden, he's got fucking Puerto Rican spit on his fucking pickles.

Yeah.

Got to get the police involved there.

It was funny.

Diego Lopez was there.

Wow.

And he teaches all the comedians karate.

Yeah.

So like they smell it off or whatever.

And it's like,

you know, this is your fault.

You made all these people think they were karate.

This is your fault.

I'm teaching them karate.

This is born on the karate.

That's true.

And guess what?

His name checks out.

Yeah.

He's got to go too.

Build a motherfucking wall, baby.

Yeah, I'm teaching all the comedians how to use guns.

I'm teaching a bunch of insecure people how to fucking do violence.

How to do violence as self-defense.

A bunch of fucking narcissists from the things they think they heard somebody say about them.

Yeah, the only thing stopping that from happening is that they all still have like, you know, the body of like Catherine Mannheim.

Every comedian is.

It was weird because it's like at a certain point, like, you know, Lewis was like still screaming, and I was like, all right, man, come on.

Yeah.

And I went up to him and I touched his midsection, which I've done a couple of times.

Yeah.

And God, Jesus Christ.

He's getting fat.

It's a disaster.

Yep.

I mean, we shared a hotel room one time and he came because his head doesn't get get fat.

Yeah, his head looks pretty good.

His head and arms are normal.

But he came out of the shower, and I was like, good lord.

It's like, from the neck down is fupa.

Respect.

Kinds of fupa.

Respect.

No, you look normal.

No, but I wish you had a normal head.

You look fat.

My fucking under my shiny.

You got a double chin.

Yeah, but no, you're holding it.

First of all, Adam, no one's going to be a little bit more.

There's no surprises.

Well, you were just pointing to it.

I can talk about it.

Okay, all right.

I have a regular chin.

Say I have a regular chin.

Your chin's gorgeous.

No.

Now you're going too far in the pot.

Oh,

why do you get to move through life so gracefully?

Thank you for saying that.

There's no inconsistencies.

That's right.

That's true.

That's right.

You take off your shirt.

You're real.

Your body is as fat and round as

you.

You're holding on your pants.

That's a fat man's little penis, right?

A fat man's little dick.

And I'll say this: it's fat, but everything's gorgeous.

So it's like, I'm fat, but I'm the roundest, smoothest type of fat man.

Sounds like you're a little bit.

I have a little dick.

I've been seeing 77 Mercury

Yeah.

Is it bad on gas?

Sure.

And the transmission, it'll fuck up on you.

Yeah.

But look at this.

We got Landau bars.

That's right.

Beautiful.

Gleams.

You're like in a carriage.

Oil this motherfucker up.

Look how pretty he looks.

Like the Marquis de Monsieur.

Monsieur.

Monsieur.

Whatever.

Look, what does this look like to you?

A library?

Look, bitch, buy the fucking car.

Buy the car, you bitch.

Buy the car or start sucking horror.

We don't use cuss words on this show.

No, no, no.

From now on, we got to talk about something.

We're going to talk about her the way we want

guys who love women.

This is a Christian program now.

Oh, yeah.

We're not cussing.

Jesus Christ.

I love the Lord.

And I want him and his.

Oh, fucking.

Don't want to dye, you fat bitch.

So do you guys have any New Year's plans?

Did you see this?

I got this for you.

Getting my cock polished.

Oh, shit.

Sorry for putting my cup on it.

Yeah, Blood Meridian, but in Chinese.

Oh, so.

You know, I'll never read it, but I don't read books in English when people get them.

That's true.

It looks cool.

On a shelf in it.

If you think about it, it's like I did read it.

I read it as much as I would read a book in English.

Exactly.

Exactly.

You treated it the same way.

I treated it the same way.

You would any other book.

So in a way, I read Chinese.

If you think about it, I don't

think it's

for the same reason that I don't read English.

I don't know if you're

capable of reading it.

Logic, no, I'm capable of reading it.

I don't know if you are.

I am.

Look, here.

Read it aloud.

Let's get some allowed reading.

Z cross box slash microwave.

The yeah, the

squiggly

squiggly jay hook box

when squiggly slash

circle square.

That's correct.

Pointy Shishu.

Okay, we'll just go right to the QA section.

Dude, we should get dim some.

I got dim sum.

I've convinced Barnes and Noble that I am the translator of this book, and we're now doing a QA session.

I can't answer anything.

I have a question.

There's a Chinese lady.

Oh,

Ching Wen, Ching Wen.

I'm like, okay.

And I'm like, okay, next question.

I have a question, sir.

Ma'am, sir.

I can read Chinese.

I cannot.

Hold on, I have a question, man.

The fat but consistent man.

Thank you.

The blue gorgeous pants.

The round oiled gentleman.

Thank you.

I am oiled up.

Whose tooth comes?

I think it's QA.

Yeah, no, the other, the fat man with the missing tooth.

Yes.

Yep.

No, we got it.

You don't have to.

I think everyone knows you're talking about.

He's bald, also.

I think everybody gets it, sir.

Can I ask my question?

Can I ask my question?

With the bald man who's also fat and his penis is small.

You don't know that.

Yeah.

You only know that.

Barnes and Noble customers.

You don't know.

With the fat man with the blue pants.

Who told the guy cover over a thing?

Small penis.

I'm covering because I'm wearing pants like everybody else.

Even smaller because his balls are too big.

I do have big balls.

That's true.

Can I please ask that question?

Could the customer with the black Toyota Corolla covered in chocolate

please move?

It's not covered.

The handle might have a little chocolate.

Toyota Corolla with all four wheels blown out.

Please answer that.

That's just because I use cheap tires.

It's not because I'm fat.

Anyway, my question was, do the characters in Chinese Blood Meridian have smaller penises than American Blood Meridian?

Yes.

Next question.

Does everyone eat Lo Main?

Yeah.

In this version?

Instead of whatever hard tack or whatever the fuck.

Yeah, it's got to be crazy for Chinese people to read this.

You know, because they're like going around cutting people's scalps off.

Yep.

And the Chinese people are like, so?

They're keeping.

Did the productivity fall off at the factory?

So what?

I wonder what they make of that retard in the cage.

Yeah.

That's the only daughter in the story.

You got to save her.

They execute baby Jared.

Is there any pussy getting in Blood Meridian?

I started to read it, and I got bored because it was fucking long.

Just an Indian guy learning about China and the one-child policy.

He's like, oh, my God.

They kill the baby Jerusalem instead of making them sweet mamas.

There are one million babies.

Hold on, hold on.

I figured it out.

Yeah.

We do detente.

We play the Indians against the Chinese by telling them they're killing all the baby girls.

Is that what detente means?

Yeah, you play them off each other, motherfucker.

It's new detente.

New detente.

They did China versus Russia.

Now we're doing India versus China.

That was just one of those vocab words from high school where I was like, nah.

Dude, Nixon went there.

Nixon went over there playing ping pong.

You motherfuckers are.

Nah, I ain't trying to be learning anything.

My man Richard,

Richard Millhouse.

I get an A and A A V even though I'm not participating.

They should offer that in high schools.

How fucking sick would that be?

That would be awesome.

Just an alternative high school where they offer AAV.

They're for sure going to do that in like Park Slope at like a Montessori.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My son's taking AAVE.

He's got straight A's.

It's his favorite class.

The black kids still fail somehow.

Yeah.

They just make them.

They make the curriculum against them.

He's out in the hallway.

He's like, test questions don't make sense.

He's like out in the hallway.

He's like, all right, y'all.

Yeah, I'll see y'all later.

Yeah, yeah.

No, we'll link up after lunch, man.

I'll see you.

I'll see you.

I'll be seeing you, man.

Then he goes in the classroom.

Good morning, teacher.

How are you doing today?

Like, Lamar, just talk how you do.

Fucking

Sean Connery.

Just talk the way you do outside of the class.

You can do it.

Just try.

I was thinking they would rig it like they used to do the SS.

You're the man now, dog.

Yeah, just stand and deliver.

Just stand and talk the way you normally do.

They're like,

we aren't going to learn anything, teacher.

Do you think you can bring your ass, which is made of crackers, into

this office, thusly?

Thusly.

Dude, it's so funny.

In high school, the Mexican kids used to pretend that they couldn't speak Spanish because they and like so they wouldn't have to test out.

Yeah,

yeah.

So they don't miss.

No, I miss.

I swear I don't know how to speak Spanish.

Why would they pretend not to know how to speak Spanish?

Because then they would make the be another.

They could just take the test.

Yeah, then they'd have to take French or something.

You're not allowed allowed to take Spanish if you already knew Spanish.

You have to have a foreign language.

But they have a foreign language.

No, but if you say that.

That's fucking retarded.

That's like, oh, this kid already knows math, so he's not allowed to talk to math.

I get your point, but I see what you're saying.

Right, but it seems, yeah, it seems like they don't need to learn.

That's what they're doing.

That challenge.

No, that is literally racist.

It probably is.

No, it's fucking racist.

I mean, you already have the fucking skill set.

You can't take the class based on what?

No, they, I mean, they did.

They just said cheating.

It's cheating when fucking Mexican kids do it, but any other, literally, any other skill you could possibly learn.

Yeah, you have Jewish kids in there busting their asses every single day, trying to learn Hispaniola.

Make it harder for the Jews.

I'm just saying, somebody should shoot up that school.

They're killing my curve, baby.

Oh, yeah, that is true.

That is fucked up.

They are killing them.

They're trying to protect.

Yeah, exactly.

They didn't even have to sign it.

People didn't get mad about that?

No, I mean, because the school wouldn't be like, no, like, you know how to speak Spanish.

They would just be like, all right, you could take the class.

My friend

would be like, they'd be like, no, I don't know how to speak it.

And then just like, take naps and stuff.

That rules.

Yeah.

Good for them, honestly.

My friend Costa got fucking, he was in, I remember he was in ESOL, like English is a second language, but he didn't really know Grandpa.

Yeah, if they're just stupid as shit, if they don't, the teachers didn't know that.

Yeah, if they don't, if they're not allowed to take Spanish, they also shouldn't have to speak English in the rest of their classes.

Yeah, it's true.

Everybody else is coming in with one fucking language.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, Yeah, well, I went to Gino's Stakes High School.

Famous Philadelphia High School.

Does a gay son own it now?

Yeah.

Gino has a gay son that rules.

He's a gay son who's just as racist.

He's just as racist.

No solidarity there.

Yeah.

Well, I hear people say that the gay white people are even more racist somehow.

Yeah, I buy that.

Or something.

I buy that.

I certainly buy that.

I think that there are some of the worst people in the world,

to be honest with you.

Yeah.

Or at least if they're very racist within the LGPDQ.

LGPG County.

LGPG County community.

Oh, man.

Somebody should start calling PG County that.

LGPG?

Yeah.

Where you guys live?

LGPG County?

LGPGT County.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

I think it would be a little hard to figure out what's what you're getting at.

If I just heard LGPG,

I wouldn't necessarily.

necessarily i would think of like the ladies pga yeah but lgpg county what what do you mean when you say like lgbt nah nah

nah nah nah i'm good off that i'm good off that nah nah nah miss me miss me with that i was laughing about going to like rock climbing but not wanting to wear the like the dumb rock climbing shoes you go in like tims and you're like sagging and you're like fucking you're already sagging but then your pants come down everyone can see you and you're up your ass and you're halfway up and and you're like, nah, nah, nah.

Nah, no, nah, nah, nah.

Stop looking up at my ass.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

So you're just, someone's looking into your ass?

Like, that's how your cheeks are naturally.

You're halfway stuck up.

Nah, nah.

Oh, yeah, I guess because you're probably spreading your legs to climb.

To climb, yeah.

Yeah.

To get up to the top of the rock.

I just watched that movie over Thanksgiving Free Solo with my dad.

What's that about the new Star Wars movie?

No, no, no.

That's so

I've been keeping count.

There are now 480 Star Wars movies.

I saw, yeah.

You saw the new one, but you're on Mushies.

I was on Mushrooms, and I really only know what happened in the last week.

Well, you went viral

for doing Mushroom.

You had a big post.

You had a big post.

All the right-wing accounts love it.

So maybe you should think about who you're, what kind of people you're doing.

I was on the front page of Breitbart.

Did they?

Should I do a rebrand?

Well, they said that because Shane let them down, you're going to be the new hope of conservative right-wing

comedy.

Dude, absolutely.

If I can get on Mike Huckabee's show, yeah, I'm in.

Dude, shut up.

I want to make my late night debut on Mike Huckabee's show.

Dude, have you ever seen his like, his like him doing stand-up at the beginning of the show?

Mike fuckaby.

It's insane.

Hold on.

Nick's going.

All right, yeah, yeah, Nick.

What was that?

Mike Fuckababy.

Absolutely.

If you want to have.

I can't do him.

Yeah, I don't know what his voice sounds like.

If you want to have Gay Say it.

Yeah, he sounds like a nerd.

Not like me.

I sound cool.

Yeah.

If you want to have sex with a child?

Maybe I'll go get a massage after this.

I limp my ass down to children.

Why don't you massage my penis with your tongue?

Do you think that'll help?

My friend Ben.

That'll help.

It might.

My friend

works in restaurants, and he said that there's a really good place where it's like 40 bucks or something.

It's funny.

Do they suck you off?

He's on his feet all the time, so his back sucks.

Do they suck you off?

I'm considering getting sucked off.

No, he said it's not a suck-off place.

Fuck.

None of them suck you off.

They beat you off.

No, you could get a condom blowjob.

Those were the options.

Maybe.

Maybe I'll get sucked off.

What?

I've been thinking about because

I was getting

the massage was nice.

It would be nice.

I got a great massage and I was so relaxed.

It would be a nice

punctuation mark.

She started getting close to my cock and I guess just rubbing my thigh.

And I was like, I wasn't thinking about this when I came in.

But if she started checking me, I only like going if I already have a problem.

I don't know what kind of knots or adhesions you get underneath your shoulder blade, but I used to always get those.

And when I would go and just get that, like, fucked up.

Yeah, you, yeah.

That was the best.

Yeah, these bitches had fucking rough ass hands.

Come here.

I got a massage right before going to Greece, and I felt bad.

I went to like a fancy day spa once in Manhattan.

You mean a gay spa?

A gay spa.

Gotcha!

It was a homosexual.

It was a good

one.

He's gay.

But the guy.

Silence.

The guy fucked my back up.

That's the only like.

With his penis?

No, he blew my back up.

Yeah.

No, he just wasn't a good massage.

What if he had a huge penalty?

I paid like $150.

Listen to this.

Or like $100.

Listen to this.

What if he had a huge penis and he got it hard and he used it kind of like a foam roller?

And he would have to roll it onto it.

Exactly.

He had the kind of core strength where he could use his cock like a thing.

And he was tiny also, but a huge penis.

What if that was the best massage of all time?

That would have been a better massage.

Did you get it?

Yeah.

Why the hell not, dude?

Raw penis on back.

Oh, I thought you were a towel.

He would not wear a condom.

He wouldn't wear it, you know.

I kind of want to see.

He's using massage.

Would you hold on, Nick?

Would you get that massage?

No, because Foam Roar would suck.

Well, it's the best, but hold on.

I need more pressure.

You didn't hear what I said.

Maybe somebody with the pointiest stick.

That's the general concept, but it happens to be the best massage of all time.

No.

Maybe if it was somebody.

But it will be.

But he also comes on you at the end.

A very sharp penis.

Fine.

He has that kind of penis.

Yeah.

And he busts a load at the end, though.

He gets into like a T position

and balances himself.

Okay.

Like

one of those eagles.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

You bring to elementary school and you're like, guess you learned magic over the weekend, fucking faggots.

Yep, I remember that.

Everyone's like, shut up.

Shut the fuck up.

Give it that shit.

Jimmy, I want it.

It's mine.

Now I'm doing the magic.

Now I've got magic.

Now you're actually gay.

You're fucking gay, and I'm not.

Yeah, I remember elementary school.

It's so funny.

The gayest toys that would be popular.

Dude, the yo-yo era?

I I remember this Korean kid had like an eyeball that was like, so it was like a ball, but then inside the ball, like suspended in like oil or something, was like a plastic eyeball.

So you would roll it, and the eyeball would always stick.

Yeah, those things are cool.

I'll fuck with that.

That's like a gyroscope.

Yeah.

It's like from a quarter machine.

He let me borrow it for the summer in between first and second grade.

And I was like, this, I loved Korea.

Yeah, dude.

He's the nicest guy.

Was he trying to fuck you?

No, I think that was just part of their culture: you give a white man an eyeball.

It's his grandma who was like,

this will be a curse on him.

Yeah, they were spying on you.

Yeah, right.

It's their dead.

Yeah, it's their fucking ancestor's eyeball, dude, from the tomb.

Their grandcestors.

From Seussoul.

You know, I think about my grandcestors.

I love what my grandcestors would say about this.

Do you guys remember the yo-yo era?

Walking the dog.

Yo-yos came back.

I taken a yo-yo once and couldn't do it.

And I was like, this is fake.

Fancy ass yo-yos came back for a while.

I love those.

I remember

fuck.

I'm going down memory lane.

Sleeping.

You remember trying to sleep a yo-yo, but it would just turn sideways?

Hated that.

Yeah, what the fuck was that?

My friend got nailed real hard in the Nards once with someone yo-yoing.

Good.

And it was very funny.

Dude, when I fucking rocked the cradle successfully, is there a better feeling than doing that little triangle shit?

Yeah.

And rocking the fucking cradle?

I think probably getting your dick sucked.

I think true love.

True love might be a better feeling.

No, no.

The one thing that's not.

True love.

No.

If I had to pick one, I would pick Nick's.

Meeting the one, maybe.

Maybe meeting the one on heroin.

Doing heroin while they sucked your dick.

That would be pretty sick.

Then breaking up with them.

Yeah, right after you nut.

Right after you nut.

So you can meet the two.

You know what I'm saying?

Then number two, getting fucked in my ass.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What the hell?

Who said that?

Yeah, it's just a Mormon guy that's like, I think you're the seven.

I've never met anybody like you that made me feel like you're the seventh person for me.

Oh, fuck.

Jem le pussy.

What a crazy religion.

It's like you can get as much pussy as you want, but you got to dress gay and you got to smile all the time.

You got to be incredibly nice, not cussed.

That is a fucked-up trade-off, dude.

Yeah.

Wealthy.

I can't fucking celebrate how much pussy I'm getting by yelling at people.

By wearing sweatpants

and traffic and saying, fuck you, and going, bitch,

saying that shit to people.

Bitch, I think they're cutting them off.

Shut up.

I just fucked.

I'm on my way to GameStop.

I just got ahead, bitch.

I just got ahead.

I'm going to go buy COVID

and then living off my girlfriend.

I'm getting another GameCube controller, bitch.

Yeah, it sucks because it's like you can't really be that guy in your 30s.

You can.

You You can be that guy at 21 and rock.

You're the coolest guy of all time.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I'm drunk driving my girlfriend's car.

Yeah, I've been drunk driving my girlfriend's car to GameStop.

Yep.

Yep.

And everyone kind of laughs it off like, I was 20.

Yeah, that's just what it's your life at 19.

And you do that at 33

fucking Darren Aronofsky movie.

That's right.

So what are your guys' New Year's resolutions?

Nothing.

Double the bread, double the head every year, dude.

I'm going to make fresh pasta this year.

I'm just fucking lame.

I'm going to learn 19.

It tastes so much better than

fluent.

Well, then, I'm not going to make you anything.

Fuck, really?

Yeah, I was going to invite you over for fresh pasta.

Are you going to have a pasta maker?

I want to get a KitchenAid, and you can get an attachment to Fresh Pasta.

Yeah.

Is that the food processor, the KitchenAid?

No, a KitchenAid is like that big thing with the bowl.

It's up there.

Nick has one.

Oh, shit.

Is that a KitchenAid?

No, that's a mixer, dude.

It's a mixer.

Yeah.

What do you fucking?

You make cakes, Nick?

KitchenAid is the brand.

Yeah, but it's also, a mixer is also called a KitchenAid.

I got, you know, pancakes and shit.

It's great for you.

But like,

what you need it for is making dough and stuff.

Well, there's an attachment for that that's like a crank that you can spit out.

You could feed pasta through it.

You need to make pasta.

But you know, that makes me horny.

I made pierogies with it.

That was the first thing I did.

So I made some dough.

Okay, young Nicholas.

Rolled that shit out.

It's getting nice, dude.

No, I mean, it was, and then what I did was I blended some liverworks and then put that with caramelized onions.

I'm listening.

And then I made pierogies out of it.

Inside that bitch.

Boiled some pierogies.

You boiled them.

I love boiled pierogies.

Yeah, they're pretty good.

I fuck with the fried one every once in a while.

Son, everyone.

I always order fried boiled pierogies.

You can't get them all fried.

It's too rich.

Yeah, it's too rich, and also you're gay.

That's so fucking true.

Don't care, didn't ask, also, you're gay.

That shit is so funny.

I love that meme that don't care, didn't ask, plus, you're Jewish.

Yeah.

Is that the original one?

There's a million of them.

Yeah.

What is the original one?

Probably it plus you're white.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

There's no way it's not that one.

You're right, you're right.

And then the boys found it and made it more fun.

What boys?

The boys found it and fixed it.

How many Jews are there in the world?

Not that many, right?

Nothing, yeah.

I think there's but did you guys read that cool article in the New York Times?

Is that you know that in Union Square, that like number that keeps track?

Yeah,

what is that?

It's a clock or something?

We got to get that going the other way, if you know what I'm saying.

See, he doesn't know what it is.

That's how you know, and that's what it has actually that.

No, but really, what it is, because the numbers don't make sense.

I'm going to mute his microphone or his headphones real quick.

Okay, it's actually keeps track of all the Jews.

Welcome back, Adam.

Yeah, all right.

Did you hear that, Adam?

You know what?

You guys can keep that between you.

If you want to keep secrets in this triad that we have, we have a lot of secrets.

You and Sav?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Tell me some.

We're a diead.

Secret of the Nim.

For the new year, tell me one secret.

Secret of the Ewes.

What other movies have we watched?

Secret.

Secret Garden.

Secret Garden.

Savage Garden.

Secret Partner.

Secret Honor.

Secrets.

Truthful Pussy.

Yeah.

True.

True Guys.

True Guys and pussy tapes.

Why didn't you tell me you were a guy?

Why didn't you show me your penis?

I didn't know you had a penis.

You did not have a penis.

You're listening to the Arnold Schwarzenegger Impression video game wrestling podcast.

You're listening to the.

Get to my penis.

Yeah.

We're going to talk about really cool stuff.

And we're going to talk about some really creepy stories, some ghost, spooky ghost stories.

Ah, there's a ghost.

New Jersey has a ghost.

This is really cool.

We actually did research by reading a book about the ghost of New Jersey.

This is in TV.

Basically, what we're going to do is kind of summarize that in a really shitty way.

Yeah.

And not the reading of the book.

I read the book.

It's me, Arnold, from UCB.

Hi, Arnold.

Putting

the classes I took 15 years ago to use by

reading the book.

Spot on, Arnold.

By Ling is a bit yeah, but I read in the book

I have I've become a fat titted mess

I am a fucking bitch and an embarrassment to my father

even

even even though

everyone who listens to NPR listens to my show

yeah my dick

in the middle of your ass.

Middle.

Have you seen all the new anti-Semitic hate crimes?

We got a new style of anti-Semiticism.

No, I'm a denier.

This time, the brothers are getting a little bit of a titanium.

Oh, yeah, what happened?

I don't know.

Who gives a shit?

Some guy stabbed a rabbi?

Yeah, and then people are like, oh, it's a black guy, but you look at him, and I'm pretty sure that's a fucking Aboriginal.

Wow.

From Australia.

He looks like one of those guys from the last wave.

You ever see that movie?

No.

Is it about surfing?

It's about surfing.

I've seen.

That's cool.

What if there was only one wave left?

Oh, yeah.

That's fucked up.

What would you do?

You'd garner the app back and kill a bunch of aboriginals.

And that's what happens in the movie.

To ride the tasty wave.

Dude, I would have to ride that wave.

Get pit in.

I'll tell you what, there's a blue wave you can ride.

Oh, what kind of wave?

All the Democrats are trying to get their dicks hard, but they can't.

Oh, because Trump is in office stealing all the pussy.

That's why it's called Blue Chew?

Yeah, that's why it's called Blue Chew.com.

Double/slash pussy.

Double slash P-U-S-S-Y.

I got to tell you guys, I lose this product all the time.

Bluecheer.com.

And it makes my cock hard.

Bluecheer.com.

And it feels good because you jack your cock off and it feels heavier than normal.

Blue penis.

That's a thing nobody talks about.

That's not in the copy.

That's directly from me

as a fuser.

Feel hotter and heavier.

It does.

It literally does, which is a cool feeling.

You feel like your dick is a little club.

My main problem is.

A hot little club that you're going to use to beat up someone.

Because my dick is off

cold?

Just like my heart.

My cold heart and my cold dick.

That's true.

McCormick McCarthy.

Yep.

Behold, my limp penis

dangling in the wind.

I can't.

That's right.

I can't.

I've never read any of that.

Imagine that shit.

You did the road, right?

It's good.

It's too good for me to fucking

without sitting down and writing.

Thinking about it.

Also, I have a cold, and I've taken too many Blue Chews.

You sound stuffed up from Bluetooth.

Yeah.

Which is does it?

You're not supposed to rail them, dude.

There are zero side effects.

No side effects except a hard-ass penis.

And only hot ears.

It won't feel a little weird.

The only side effect is maybe you won't die alone.

Maybe you'll find the love of yours.

Although that's from the Cialis ones.

And I'll say this: the second and third day cock sing.

It'll make hot women love you.

Oh, yeah, that shit works for a while.

Oh, yeah.

36 hours, they say?

Absolutely.

And I find my cock to be really.

It's kind of like drugs.

You got to time it just right.

You got an operatic type of thing.

I find my cock really hits its

second full day.

Yeah.

Well, let's do.

Let's say that.

Let's start saying the fucking thing up for top.

The copy, yeah.

I don't think we need to do that.

I was talking about how it makes your cock.

No, not the copy, the code.

Oh, yeah, bluechew.com/slash pussy.com.

Slash.

Bluechew.com slash cometown.

slash bluechew.com.

Bleachy.

I don't remember.

Baltimore.

Yeah.

Baltimore.

I can't wait to get my pussy fucked by somebody taking blue chew.

Bleachy.

Bliche.

I'm a black woman from Baltimore, and I can't wait to get my pussy fucked.

I can't wait to shit out of my pussy.

Someone use a blue cheek because I

go in there and I pretend.

I pretend I'm leaving.

I'm trying to put a hot dug in my pussy.

Where the fuck is the copy?

Dude, it's actually in my ass, and you have to get it out.

Yo, we got to get it out of Stav's ass.

Stav, right, bend over.

No, I'm just trying to remember the promo.

It's Cometown, isn't it?

Comeblueth.com slash Cometown.

Damn,

both of your cheeks have so much mass, it's really hard to pull them apart.

Yeah, hold on.

You sucked it farther in.

No, that's me spreading my ass, but it's wet wet because I'm horny.

I don't understand

how that's the noise.

Your ass doesn't get horny?

Your ass doesn't get wet when you're horny?

No, my ass doesn't get wet when I'm horny.

Wow, dude.

That's another thing Bluetooth does.

It self-lubricates your asshole.

So if you're gay in a bottom, it makes your dick hard and your ass soaking wet.

So just ready to get a penis slid on up there.

It also works if you're a woman and you make your asshole.

The promo code is Come Town, and you get your first order free.

Wow.

So there's a couple of times your dick will be hard, free, and you'll think of us.

All I ask is when you use Bluetooth to make your Pricadille stiff around

to make your Pricado

stiff around.

To get your Pricadic Liani.

A good use for it is you take a couple of Blue Chews and then you sit in the garage with the car running.

Because everybody's dick gets hard when they die, but you want it to be

as hard as possible.

You want ultra-rigor mortise.

You want the fucking, the, the fucking, the fucking paramedic that finds you to be so horny by how hard your dick is that they pull out their pussy and or ass and just

slide on.

That's the best part about X Fox was imagining that you were a dead body and Scully would have to suck you off.

Suck my fucking penis.

That's what you should.

Honestly, if I was on the X Fox,

what I would do is I would put a little get the tiniest glow stick I could find,

put it in my urethra, take a blue chip,

and then, I don't know, kill myself, but like

in an alien mask.

Yeah, and then fucking Sully would be like, you know, taking her notes, like lacerations to the third metacarpal.

Yep, yep,

discombobulated

brain,

cardiosimonized

thing.

And

it appears there is something in the penile shaft

that there's a

possibly an alien technology with

sucked out of the

through the use of suction technique to remove taking my breasts out of my shirt to

on camera

and then put it

and I will now be uploading the autopsy video to the time machine in the FBI's office that goes back to three weeks ago that guess who's hacked into?

it's me.

That's so smart.

And it's me masturbating three weeks earlier to the video of Scully sucking.

Your dead body.

I suck.

So you know you're going to die in three weeks.

Yes.

But it doesn't matter.

Wow.

Scully's called,

they call him the

New Jersey ghost.

They did a spooky stories podcast.

They did a spooky stories podcast about him.

He's getting his deep side.

I listened to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me and then The Spooky Guys.

Guys.

The Spooky Scary Story Boys.

The spooky boys.

Please fuck me.

Suck them up in the middle.

Please suck.

Come on, Mom.

Well, if you want to get your dick sucked by Blue Chew.com, you go to Blue Chew.com, promo code Come Town, get your order for

online console.

They're better than Salad.

They're better than Viagra and Chialis, as they put it

in Italy, where it's from.

Yep.

Blue Chew.

Silvio Berlusconi had it funded.

He put all the money.

It's all manufactured.

He made it for his bunga-bunga parties.

By real blue-collar guys.

You're supporting Bernie Sanders.

Big dick pills.

Yep.

Like, imagine the guys from the Deer Hunter.

You know, it's those guys.

Yeah.

It's the bitch from Flash Dance

making those pills.

Getting my dick hard on a Saturday night.

I just want to fuck some pussy, but I'm usually can't get hard.

I can't get my penis hard.

Yeah, Blue Chew.com.

Now with Blue Chew and my penis is hard.

I'm getting sucked off and I'm not gay anymore.

I don't know what song you're doing.

Isn't that She's a Dunger?

She's a maniac.

Yeah, yeah.

That's the beginning part of that song.

She's a maniac.

Now my dick is hard.

Dick is hard.

I'm not gay.

Yeah, there you go.

I like that.

And my wife doesn't doesn't think I'm gay anymore.

Dick is hard as shit now.

It's very funny for me to accomplish.

Can I use promo code Calm Town at the store?

It's very good.

A guy in a room.

And his wife's constantly having to come home to him and his friend, like sweating in the living room.

She's being like, oh, we were just talking about the microwave.

We were just discussing technology.

We were just, you are not allowed to look at me.

you cannot read science yeah you cannot come to the science room we are having we are doing math in here and you can't come in

you cannot try to read

that oh yeah i love that dude you know

That fucking that guy pulled a gun out in Texas?

They got him.

They got his ass.

Did they?

Yeah.

What happened?

Dude, that video is sick.

What?

This guy gets up, he pulls a shotgun out, he gets one guy.

Another dude fucking caps him from like 50 feet away.

Oh, just paints the wall with his brain.

Are they right?

Should everyone have guns?

I mean, like, I think the reason people aren't talking about it is because, like, I mean, it depends on it.

They passed a law recently in Texas saying that you can carry a gun in a church.

Nice.

And then, so some people are like, this is a direct result of that law.

But then you watch the video and it's like, oh, if all of these, there would be so many people dead if, like, that church wasn't filled with people packing.

Yep.

So it is like, because, you know, nobody's right 100% of the time, especially with like hypotheticals like that.

It's like, this is one case where it definitely was the result of, yeah, you know, I mean, if there wasn't a guy with a gun there, it would have been a much bigger problem.

But was it no scope?

Did he headshot?

Yeah, handgun.

Hand shot.

I mean, it's a grainy video, but the guy, you can see the guy that fucking gets him.

He's on the other side of the room.

I pulls the shotgun out.

One guy draws on him.

He shoots that guy, and the other guy just like fucking gets him.

Wow.

You know how hard that guy is.

Regular okay Corral.

That's the one guy in history that has done that.

How fucking awesome you must feel.

Yeah, I think I want to shoot a gun in 2020.

Have you shot a gun?

No.

We should go do that.

We've talked about that before.

It's fun.

It's expensive.

It's expensive, though.

Because you got to rent the gun.

You got to go out to Jersey or something?

What if we get an illegal gun?

You can probably just go upstate.

What if we get an AK off the black market?

They probably have AKs you can shoot.

Interesting.

You can shoot ARs and shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I want a Desert Eagle, dude.

Yeah.

I mean, actually,

rifles aren't fun to shoot, really.

In my experience, I've only gone a couple of times.

But, yeah, like something like a 38, like a revolver, those are fun.

Nine millimeters are boring.

You can really shoot like a 45.

Yeah, that shit's fun.

Okay.

Because they'll be like, oh, it's your first time.

We'll give you like a 22.

And that's, you might as well just.

I'm not a bitch.

Yeah.

You might as well shoot a bunch of stuff.

Give me a fucking bazooka, bitch.

No, I want a ladies' gun.

James Bond stuff.

I want a Saturday night special but i want to get it out of my ankle every time yeah

no i want that suspenders

the big bolster

instinct to go and like learn how to shoot accurately and it's like that's this is a fucking waste it's like imagine if you went bowling and every time you threw the ball it costs five dollars you know so it's like are you gonna try and be good at bowling are you gonna pick the heaviest ball and try and hook that shit to something that looks cool

possible that's true you're gonna try and throw the ball into someone else's lane or break the floorboards Yeah.

I heard from a bunch of people.

You're going to try and slam dunk.

Yeah, exactly.

You're going to slide.

You're going to fucking risk a business slide all the way down the end of the.

I would love to somehow make it to the top level of competition in bowling and then just be doing shit like that.

Dude, there's a new guy.

Or you'd be the only black guy that's a professional bowler and you're doing stuff like that and then say that they're not embracing black bowling culture

by allowing things like that.

You're using a black bowling culture.

How come that doesn't have the leadership?

You haven't had that, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Just start a black bowling.

Yeah, he's bowling too athletically.

And you're allowed to

flashy.

You're allowed to slide all the way down.

He needs to stop hot dogging.

You're allowed to go over the line as long as you continue sliding.

And so it's like a dude doing a cool pose, sliding all the way down.

That would be awesome.

And then just slamming the fucking bowling ball into the pitch.

You could do that, but people can play defense and hit you in the nuts with the ball.

That's right.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You've got to juke.

The police are there and they have guns.

And they have guns.

And you better not

Because Officer, what's his face?

You know,

it's the dumbest.

He's going to stand his ground.

Bowling's sucking.

There's a new guy that's revolutionized the sport.

My buddy was telling me.

Is that real?

He goes, two hands.

No.

Wicked spin.

Shut up.

Yeah, there's a new guy.

There's a two-handed bowler.

And he's revolutionized the sport.

Is that legal?

I swear, dude.

I'll look it up, man.

Look it up, bitch.

It's like started in 2018.

It's very new.

Nah, I would have heard of this.

It's fresh.

Stav is very abreast of the bowling ball community.

I'm abreast of a lot of stuff.

Anything you can be abreast of, I am because it reminds me of breasts.

Oh, wow.

I didn't think of that.

Yep.

Bowling two-handed rules.

Yeah.

There's a two-hander guy that's just

modifies rules on bowling balls.

He's a young Australian man.

Okay.

Yeah.

And people are saying, is it an evolution of the sport or an unfair advantage?

Jason Belmonte.

That's his name.

I don't know if he's Australian.

Hmm, interesting.

Pretty cool, right?

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Wicked Spin.

Oh, yeah, he is Australian.

Look at this guy.

What a fucking psycho.

Jason Belmonte?

Yeah.

What about Jason Bell Ash Cheeks?

Yeah, Jason Bell Ash Cheeks.

Yeah.

How about that?

You fucking killed him.

Mm-hmm.

Jason Belmonte.

Let's see this shit.

I like how pumped they get after a strike.

I would feel that too.

They ric Flair.

He bowls with two hands.

But that's the thing, man.

If you watch those PBA videos, the people that bowl at the competitive level, it's like you win because the other guy fucks up barely once.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

You got to say perfect.

Oh, here are the scores.

300 to 298, 299 to 298.

You know, it's like, and the game maxes out.

It's a game of perfection.

Other fucking sports aren't like that.

It's not like fucking, you know, football is like you can only get nine touchdowns a game, and every game the final score is fuck up with nine, eight, you know.

Yeah, but isn't there something beautiful about that?

Noetic?

No.

It's about perfection.

Boom goes to dynamite.

Boom goes.

That's a classic.

Boom goes dynamite.

It's a classic, though.

This is a Jason Belmonte video.

Fuck him, dude.

Yeah.

Jason Belmonte can suck my fucking dick.

Yo,

if anybody knows Jason Belmonte, tell them I said the fuck.

It's on site.

I'll fucking go.

Guys, the call bowling games.

Yeah.

Just their cool things that they say.

Make it on top of that world.

Yeah.

And there goes the ball, and it's fucked the pins in the ass.

Jason Belmonte, pull up, bitch.

Ladies and gentlemen, drop a pin.

Beer,

you Australian piece of shit.

Beers and wings, and the birds may sing.

Tonight, we're here in the lanes, greased up, lubed up, ready to get fucked.

Jason Belmonte returns.

The two-handed faggot.

The Australian devil, the ghost of New Jersey.

Eddie, cheese, dick, fuckface

Jr.

returns from jail where he was for not paying child school.

The reigning champ, he only knows how to bowl.

We go live to him now.

Bowling.

One of the greatest minds in bowling.

Easily the smartest person in the world of bowling.

Locked in a cage until his 17th birthday, he was released directly into a bowl America in Dover, Delaware.

He was allowed to eat the crumb off the bottom of the shoes.

And that's where he learned that life is about hard work.

And getting your dick sucked.

What?

Who does?

I just want to see if Belmont is going to be able to do that.

Who in the hell is calling me?

Check and see if Belmonte's pushed.

I'm looking at his Instagram.

But I don't have.

Be honest, do you think I could fuck him up?

Fuck who?

He's 5'11.

It's a so what?

No chance.

Look at this.

He's got this.

I have a low-center.

He's got like a Google Glass thing on.

Dude, that guy's a bitch.

Dude, Jason Belmonte?

Belmonte's a fucking bitch.

Dude, he's changing the game, dude.

He's changing.

He's about to change his diaper because I'm about to fuck him in the ass so hard his ass won't have any elasticity left.

So he'll just poop.

So he'll be fucking all constantly be leaking shit.

You hear that, Belmonte, dude?

Belmonte, you're on notice.

You're on notice, brother.

Bowling, how rich can you get off bowling?

His net worth is, I'm looking up now, $32,000.

So in the bowling world, he is a millionaire.

Wow, that's pretty funny.

He's like Australian, so he's like the greatest bowler they have.

And he missed out on the competition last year because he couldn't afford the plane trip to Columbus, Ohio.

Is that real?

Sure.

I wish it was.

This is all about facts.

Yeah.

No, I'm sure he's got some great endorsement deals.

You know, like

what's a bowling company?

Like a shoe, a bowling shoe.

What are they called?

Bowl company.

The Kings.

Are there cool bowling shoes?

Who's the Jordan of bowling?

Does he have any bowling shoes?

I think Belmonte.

Not Belmonte.

Fuck Belmonte.

Belmonte is probably coming.

He's probably dropping heat, dude.

Dude,

stop talking about Belmonte.

Insane colorways.

I don't fuck with him.

Insane colorways.

He does not have good colorways.

No, I got some dead stock Belmonte ones.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

I'm trying to see.

If I see them, I'm going to take a fat fucking shit in them.

You best not, dude, because they're inbox never worn.

I don't give a fuck.

Dead stock.

Why aren't there cool bowling shoes?

It's all those like a little fucking gay tap dancer shoes.

Yeah.

But they're different colors.

There should be cooler ones.

There should be fucking awesome bowling shoes, dude.

They can get pussy in.

What kind of shoes, if you could pick one shoe to get pussy in, what would it be?

To get pussy in?

Yeah.

If you can only pick one shoe.

Like to wear while you're fucking.

While you're fucking or getting your dick sucked.

I don't know.

Something sensible with a lot of traction.

Some traction.

You can get some torque.

So you get some, yep.

You need torque.

Something with a grip on the bottom.

Some grip.

You don't want to be sliding all around.

So honestly, you don't be wearing like vans or something.

You know what's crazy?

Bowling shoes might actually be good.

No, bowling are slippy.

I thought they meant they're meant to slip.

So like a hiking boot?

Yeah, I would fucking Meryl's.

Okay.

I'd fucking a pair of Keens.

I would pick light-up sneakers, LA light, LA gear.

Oh, because you're more into the razzle-dazzle aspect.

I'm all about being flashy when I'm getting pussy.

So I would like put my leg up on stuff and fuck.

And I'd be looking at the fucking light-ups.

And I would get even harder because I'm looking at my shoes.

Oh, my penis hurts.

Nick, what kind of shoes would you have sex in?

Orthopedic shoes.

Yeah.

With Velcro.

Yeah, my back hurts from.

I'm getting sympathetic pains from blowing out your back.

So I need orthopedic

shoes.

Yeah.

How much fucking standing up do you do?

Do you do anything?

That's pretty much the the only type of thing

I said.

Most girls I hook up with are 6'2

or so, so I can fuck up.

Adam has a web in the top of his bedroom with

a simulation rope that he descends from.

Yeah, so I could do the Spider-Man's kiss.

So he goes, no, I just, we're kind of, you can hang out as friends, and you can take a sleep in my bed while I'm going to be a gentleman in the bed in the living room.

And there's a secret trap door in the ceiling.

And he comes to to see my little penis.

And then the girl's like, oh my god, Spider-Man?

No, the roof.

He scurries out on the ceiling in the middle of the night.

And he goes,

and suck my little penis and spat it.

Honestly, tell me a more romantic kiss than the Mary Jane Spider-Man upside down.

That's Spider-Man.

You are an actual spider.

He's saying in a story, you're a spider, you're not not a spider-man.

You're doing shit like.

I'm a spider-man.

You're tripping.

Yeah, there's poison dripping.

I think what Nick is saying is that you are raping women as a spider.

As a spider.

He's not saying you're not a spider.

He's not laying out this hypothetical.

The spider also has Morgan Freeman's voice for some reason.

Well, that's my own voice.

That's hot.

Doing a Morgan Freeman.

I'm ready to have sex.

I think women would be into that because he's got a deep voice.

I'm the spider who's ready to have sex.

said the spider to the fly.

But I think what you're saying, Adam, is that you use that as a tool of seduction.

The first time I saw a pussy, I knew I was going to fuck it.

Pussy came into the end of Shawshank and I knew I was going to have sex with it.

Suck my penis.

Ole do it.

Yeah.

I saw Uncut Gems.

Yeah.

Oh, you loved it, no?

It was fucking great.

It's so sick.

The first first time I saw Uncut Gems, I thought they were all Jewish.

They pretty much were.

There's one Armenian.

The first time I saw the brother-in-law.

He's Armenian?

Yeah, because they're at Passover, and everyone's like, what's this fucking boy doing here?

A lot of people are mad at me.

They were.

I raped Ashley Judge.

Did he?

I don't know, but it would be nice to imagine one of those late 90s thrillers, and it's like a blue faded image of him, and then a red one of her, and there's like a police car and a house and it's raining.

And it's called The Raping of Ashley Judd.

Oh, the actual actress, not a character in the movie.

Right.

This is the name of the movie.

I see.

He's like, no, I'm here to help you.

But that's Morgan Freeman's name.

Right.

He's actually.

In the movie, I play Ashley Judd.

And it's confusing for a lot of people because

Ashley Judd is already in the movie.

And they say,

why isn't it the other way around?

And I say, well, we're actors.

That's right.

Yeah, you can play many parts.

Why would Ashley Judd be raped in the movie?

That's just a lie.

I'll play Ashley.

Ashley Jane.

Morgan Freeman is getting raped on camera by Ashley Judd.

That's right.

And to be clear, she's playing the role of Morgan Freeman.

She's playing Andy Dufran.

Oh, she's playing Andy Dufran.

Who's the man who rapes Ashley Judd, who's played by me?

I see.

And so Andy Dufran is just part of the Shawshank universe?

He directed the movie.

I see.

There's a different guy.

A different guy named Andy DuFrane.

Named Andy Dufran.

Not the actor who played Andy Dufranna.

Listen,

this is my idea for a movie.

I like how like once Morgan Freeman's one of those celebrities that like once every 18 months,

somebody will be like, what do you think about trans people?

And he's like, I think they should all be put into a giant meat grinder.

And people are like, how God dare he say this?

It's like, don't ask that guy.

He's like 200 years old.

Has he seen

his stepdaughter or something?

He said,

he said unwoke things, I think.

But he's like one of those guys they ask.

Your niece or something?

Yeah.

The first time I had sex with my niece, I knew I wasn't going to bust.

There was something about her charm.

I wanted to bust, but I couldn't.

If someone's too charming, working freeman can't bust.

I can't remember any of the lines from Shaw Shank.

Yeah, some about the.

I remember the line when the sisters raped him.

Name's red.

Why do they call you that?

Because I'm gay.

Because I'm a gay man.

Oh, yeah, that's a good one.

That's definitely why they call him that.

So that's, but that's, that's, is there any other reason?

No

the first time I told Andy Dufrane that I was gay I knew I wanted to fuck him

What did Nagas get look at lines?

I've only seen that movie once.

Yeah, I've only seen parts of it.

Yeah, that for like years that was like bro's favorite movies Wow.

Yeah, it's like the one movie A Broken Cry Yeah, why?

Because I don't know because one bro said it was all right.

Yeah.

And so it did.

That and love actually, too.

Love actually sucks my dick.

Bros started liking love actually.

Yeah, seriously.

Hope is a dangerous thing.

He says a lot of things in this.

I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged.

Mm-hmm.

Namely, the gay ones.

Namely, your homosexual impulses.

That's true.

I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gay place dares to dream.

Yes, sir.

I haven't seen the movie.

I think you're not going to top why they call you red because I'm gay.

I know.

I'm just literally reading quotes from the movie.

And a half-assed Morgan Freeman.

Oh, yes.

I am Puerni for Pussi.

Yeah.

What is it called?

Who was the guy in?

Who was the guy in Shaw Shank?

What was his name?

Tim Robbins.

Tim Robbins.

Tim Robbins.

Who is Susan Sarandon's common-law husband?

He plays Andy Dufran.

Do you guys ever jack off to Ashley Robbins?

Ashley Robbins.

She's like a redhead Russian who used that as a fake name.

The raping of Ashley Robbins.

And she only ever, I only ever saw her suck Dick once.

She would do a lot of softcore.

And that's one of my great

holy grails, is seeing her do a full hardcore.

I think there was also a bye scene.

I would love to get my penis sucked

by Ashley Robbins.

So, if anybody, okay, I don't usually make appeals to the fan base.

Does anybody want to fuck my ass?

But if anybody has a hardcore video of Ashley Robbins being fucked, hey, it's me.

Tweeted at me.

Jay Stevenson, the famous actor Jay Stevens.

He's doing impressions of people, and then they have to go, like, oh, yeah, I know that guy.

Hello, it's me, Jay Stevenson.

Me, Marcus Wiles.

It's me, famous actor, Marcus Wiles.

Mmm, Marcus.

So good to see you again, brother.

Hello, I'm gay.

Yes.

Yes.

It's me

gay Eric

of England town, fame,

from England town.

That's cor that is correct.

And I've ridden my hot air balloon all the way here.

This is a preview of the live show in Australia.

Yeah, we saw Gay Eric at Fringe last year.

The inventory.

Really cool stuff.

Really inventive.

You know, like, really, he does sort of like an absurd thing.

I'm Gay Eric.

Yeah, it's a lot like Emo Phillips, but with none of the jokes.

No jokes.

There's no jokes in it because.

Which was kind of holding him back.

Yeah.

All the jokes.

Yeah, we tried doing jokes, and what happened was the movie Crocodile Dundee,

and then the rest of the world stopped listening to us until we had a mass shooting and got rid of guns.

And then that gave us a little bit of credibility for a while.

So now we're trying comedy again.

Yeah, we're trying it.

And we're going fully, full mental retype.

Yes.

Yes.

We're going village idiot stuff.

It's kind of like what would happen in a mental institution if they did a tenant show.

Right.

If somebody was trying to fit in at a mental institution,

if somehow an entire society was eroded, so that our celebrities were people that ate their own shit and threw it at each other.

That's okay.

Yeah, we need to go back.

Yeah, our comedy is like

it's kind of like the hit.

It's like the hit.

Is it funny?

No, no, no, no, mate.

No, no, mate.

It's not funny.

It's gay Eric.

Hello.

I'm Gary.

Honestly, Gayric is really good, though.

He's very funny.

Hello.

I'm Gay Eric.

I just came back from the field where I was picking flowers.

Wow, that's so Gay Eric.

I picked flowers to put them in my ass.

Yay!

Woohoo!

Righto, Gay Eric.

Righto, Gay Eric.

On you, Gay Eric!

There it goes!

Oh, I love watching Gay Eric!

I can't get enough of him.

I love him.

Oh, man,

you had to be there, but I did this joke about

how he's gay.

I really, I'm not going to do it justice.

He was having heaps, gay sex.

I'm really not going to do it justice, but what happened was that he was watching Barney and eating baby food.

And he was talking about how much he loves baby food and watching Barney.

And then

he asked an audience member, he goes, Do you know why?

And they said, no.

And then off the top of his head, without missing a beat, he says, because I'm gay.

And it's like

the improvisational skills you have to have to come up with something like that.

A comedic genius.

He's basically Australia's Einstein.

Wow.

He's Australia's contribution.

You're giving him a medal of honor?

Yeah, to intellectual discourse as gay Eric.

The Prime Minister, who got elected after calling a kangaroo the N-word

gave him a medal of honour.

You have to keep in mind, Australians have invented absolutely nothing ever, once, ever.

There's not a single fucking idea that they've ever come up with.

So, gay Eric, pretty good stuff.

Pretty good stuff, mate.

Pretty good fucking stuff.

Pretty good.

I'm a guy from England now.

Yeah.

And I'm gay also.

Welcome back to Firing Line if you're you're just joining us.

My guest tonight is gay, Eric.

All the way from Australia.

Tell me, do you think black people should be allowed to learn how to read?

I'm just gay.

Can I suck their penises?

Can I suck them all?

It depends.

Can I

be able to suck them all?

Oh, gay Eric.

Don't you take anything seriously?

No, he does not.

He's fucking

Wow.

I fucking love Gay Eric, mate.

Yeah.

I can't believe he won fringe the year after Nanette.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, he did.

What's Nanette up to these days?

She's, I don't know.

She's being posted.

She's going to run out of grievances and she's going to have like an hour-long special in three years.

It was like, and I waited in line and I got to the front, and by the time I got there, they turned off the Krispy Kreme light, and they had no fresh donuts left.

They didn't have any freshies, there was no freshies left at the Krispy Kreme.

And, you know, I mean, that sucks.

It sucks to feel that.

It does.

We will be in Australia, by the way.

You fucking.

People are like, her paying is something we can all relate to.

It's a nice contrast with the original Nanette, where

she centers on a violent, you know, a violent assault that really pins the whole thing together.

But now, the last special,

Mikey, it's the gas station without a Chex Mix.

And I opened it up, and there was zero bagel crisps in the bag of Chex Mix.

And I can't eat Chuckies without the bagel crisps because they're the best piece in Chex Mix.

She's got a new special called Douglas.

Yeah.

Maybe it's about Michael Douglas.

It's about Michael Douglas.

Gay actor Michael Douglas.

That would be awesome.

Yeah.

How funny it would be if Nanette, this Douglas comes out and it's the biggest Netflix special and she comes out and she's like, hi,

I'm guy actor Michael Douglas.

Nanette's brilliant new bit.

Gay actor Michael Douglas, which no one has ever done before.

That would be awesome.

And I'm just like in my apartment, having been a giant, like a hair gray.

I already have a giant beardache.

So I'm exactly the same as I am.

Yeah, you look exactly like you.

I was going to say, unwashed.

Yeah, yeah.

Not taking care of myself.

No, that's pretty much what we're looking for.

Looking at the screen, screaming at Nanette, but that's I'm already there.

But in this time, it would have been for a personal grievance.

Yeah.

Yes.

And her stealing gay actor Michael Douglas.

That bit was actually conceived

with her.

That bit's from Sydney, Australia.

Really?

Yeah.

That was the first time.

That's the birthplace of gay actor Michael Douglas.

Yes, it is.

Are you going to say you came up with it?

No, you came up with it, but we were in Sydney.

We were at the Airbnb.

I'm gay actor Michael Douglas.

Oh, yeah, that Airbnb rocked.

Dude, that was the sickest place I've ever been in.

Yeah, it was.

Although the hotel in Brisbane,

that one was also pretty.

Go on a dike, you fat bitch.

I want to go to Australian Sea.

Go on a dike, you fat bitch.

I want to see a roast battle between that guy from the truck and then that.

Yeah.

That'd be sick.

Nice gap between your teeth.

You're going to die of cancer.

You're going to die of pussy pubes and fucking tribal tattoos, you fucking bitch.

Yeah, look at your shitty lesbian tattoos.

Does she have tattoos?

No, but this is just what he's the guy who says in the video.

Yeah, he tells that lady she has bad tattoos.

I remember that.

Everything after you go on a diet, you fat bitch.

Yeah.

Kind of get over it.

Guys, like, what's your problem, man?

He's like, your fat pig of a girlfriend won't shut her mouth.

That got rocked.

Suck on a penis, you gay guy.

Yeah.

That's a little remix.

Yeah.

Why isn't he being championed more like the bagel boss?

He is on this show.

Bagel boss had a stroke, I heard.

Really?

Yeah,

poor guy.

Then he's working out a tour with bagel boss.

Watch him eat applesauce.

Yeah, he's lost the use of his legs and half his face, but he's going around.

It's so funny that that guy got management that was like taking him on tour and stuff.

And it's like, have you not understand what memes are or how any of this shit works?

No, they didn't.

It's lost.

Some guys from Long Island.

It's been insane.

It's it's like yeah well i'm i'm i'm lucky enough to have damn daniel on my roster

and fucking the the i am a motherfucker guy from that the ambulamps video i don't remember him of course not and in fact the joke doesn't work if you did remember

i remember damn daniel yeah coming through in the white vans

pretty funny stuff i'm gonna set the world record for saying the n-word faster than anyone in the history of winter and damn he did it well Yeah.

That was so fast.

Yeah.

That's what you call microaggressions.

I'm talking to some black guy.

I'm like, hey, man, do you want to go to the movies later?

He's like, what the fuck was that?

Yeah, oh, nothing.

I was just wondering if you want to go to the movies later.

What's that little beep?

I don't know what you're talking about, man.

Maybe you're hearing something?

I love it.

That's pretty good.

Suck on a penis, you fucking bitch.

Go on a dike.

I'm going to dike.

I'm going to dike.

You fat bitch.

Suck on my diaka.

Damn.

Well, I got to emosey it because I got to do your job.

Please come see me, folks.

I'm going on a big-ass hard dick-ass tour.

I'd love for you to buy tickets.

Yeah, I am, too.

I got to announce dates.

Oh, nice.

I'll put them online somewhere.

I'm

online.

I'm going to be Tampa January 26th, Milwaukee the 29th, Appleton the 30th, Chicago the 31st and the 1st, Rhode Island the 6th through the 8th at the Comedy Connection.

Hyenas, Texas, 13th through the 15th, Dallas, somewhere.

Guy Pinas.

That's where he's at.

The D.C.

Draft House, the 20th through the 20th.

Tech Stop Live, the Guy Pinas.

I will not be a Guy Penis.

I'll be a guy.

Hyenas.

Guy Penas.

In Texas.

In gag sexes.

Yeah, yeah, fine.

That was fine.

But I'll also be

in

at stand-up live and air in Phoenix on March 5th, Tucson on the 6th, fucking, and then Dublin the 29th,

and then London the 31st through the 4th, March 29th, and then March 31st through April 4th.

Come suck my hard-ass little Pricadel overseas.

And then we'll be in fucking Australia right after that, I think.

Yeah, in April.

Go on a Vagayat.

Where are you going?

And those Australia dates are going to be posted.

And come to Fat Tuesdays every Tuesday at the stands.

Yeah, and the next funny moms is the fucking January.

Go on the gayetu, Fat Beach.

Nick

Big Dog.

Go on the gayette.

I don't remember.

I'm in Chicago at some point, and then fucking Columbus.

And

I don't know, some shit in the middle.

Columbus is tight.

I did Columbus.

It was awesome.

Yeah.

College Town.

Collected a lot of people.

The Ohio State University.

That's right.

There's some good fucking grubbad all over the world.

It's cool that those stickers they put on their helmets look kind of like nugs.

You know what I'm saying?

The suck eyes.

The bucke eyes.

The suck guys.

The suck guys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Didn't they lose or something?

I don't know.

All right.

I got to go to the bathroom.

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