Ep. 187 – Putting the Chris back in Christmas

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Christmas time.

Why do you have the whole paper towel roll?

Because I have a cold.

You have a cold?

I'm getting over it.

I feel like I'm getting

just use tissues rather than...

Do you have tissues?

Yeah, hold on.

It's a lot less rough on your nose.

That's true.

It's also

expensive.

Yeah.

Always his eye on the fucking bottom line, man.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

He's not worried about my nose.

That's classic now.

He's worried about me wasting the ridges.

The ridges that would pick up.

Let's soak up liquid.

Yeah, I'm not worried about the money.

It's the...

I don't want, you know, if you have a cold, you're blowing your nose all over my paper towels and picking the paper towels back up, and I use them to clean the kitchen.

Nah, dude, you can't.

Yeah, Yeah, you're right, because honestly, I'm a little bit more.

You can keep that box of tissues.

You can have it.

I don't want it.

Adam was the one that said it was less expensive.

I said I use those.

I never brought up price.

Adam, we can go ahead.

We can literally do that now.

Really?

Yeah, let's do that.

Whoa, that's awesome.

We'll play it back later.

Okay, here we go.

I think this one I'm actually too expensive.

Yeah.

It's too expensive.

The cow.

You said, oh, it's less expensive.

I just played it.

The towel is too expensive.

That was me.

It's December.

Can you turn my headphones up a little bit?

Everybody's talking about playing the Resident Evil remake on PlayStation 4

from that came out six years ago instead of

instead of seeing their family.

Is it scary?

Yeah.

I've never played it.

You don't even know what I'm talking about.

The last Resident Evil that came up?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

Not at all, man.

No, no, no, no, no.

Not the newest one.

It's no good.

The newest one you didn't.

You want to hire an abuelo to throw shoes at you?

That would be awesome.

A small one, please.

An abuelita.

An abuelita?

Yeah.

A tiny, a tiny woman.

Do you think

grandmas do you think you're going to suck?

I hate it when people pretend like that's like a harsh punishment.

With someone throwing a shoe at you.

Yeah, most of the time when

I was threatened with a shoe and I was threatened with a spoon a lot.

And

you always chose the spoon.

Just fuck them.

Yeah.

And then that's how you got big.

Yeah, I'll show you spoon.

I'm going to wear you out.

This fucking repeated pudding use.

I'll eat so much pudding that the spoon will wear through.

Oh, yeah.

And I ultimately had the last laugh.

But no, it was mostly, honestly, it was mostly

ceremonial.

Getting a shoe thrown at you.

It was a threat.

What do you mean, ceremonial?

Like George Bush.

You did it at Christmas time?

No, I remember.

I guess it's not quite ceremonial.

What's the word I'm looking for?

It was like a big show.

Symbolic.

Symbolic.

Yeah.

But you actually got it from them?

Yeah, I would get a shoe thrown at me.

Thrown.

Well, what his family would do is, you know, they couldn't afford a TV.

We had plenty of TVs.

They would project film onto Stav's ass.

No.

I was not that big.

He was a child.

He had to use his I was a fat child, but still a regular size child.

And often there would be an evil character.

His mom doesn't know the difference.

My mom knows the movies and reality.

No, she doesn't.

So she's like, that's the bad guy.

And she would start throwing her shoes at Stav's ass.

If anything, my grandma might not know the difference, but my mom does.

If your grandma saw that movie of the train,

she'd be like, ah, ah, it's going to run me over.

But if your dad saw it, he would bend over and pull his ass cheeks apart to get the train into his ass.

My father?

Yeah.

No, he understands movies.

But if he didn't, that's how he would respond.

I don't know if that's a good idea.

If he was in that theater, instead of running and screaming, he would pull his pants down and open his ass wide and hope the whole train would go in his ass

for sexual pleasure.

Both know that's not possible.

I know.

I don't.

I don't know that.

Okay.

Anyway, Nikki, you were saying that.

Everyone running out of the theater and your dad just with his ass pulled open.

Don't run over, everyone.

I'll save us.

He's a hero.

Get behind my ass.

I'll save us, everyone.

He's a hero.

That is so him, honestly.

Yeah, dude.

Just being so self-scientific.

I think people are like, you know, they were afraid because they thought the train was real.

And it was like, no, the Holocaust just happened.

No, that's not when that movie came out.

That's what happened.

That's not when that movie came out, Nick.

There were plenty of people.

You're going going to have to get on the Holocaust.

There were plenty of movies that came out before the Holocaust.

People knew what movies were.

Silence!

No, the only movie that ever came out before the Holocaust was

Birth of a Nation.

Balto.

And Balto.

Balto came out before that.

The one with the dog.

Dude, it's so funny that this cats movie sucks, and no one's going to see it.

I want to see it.

I want to see it, too.

It's the one movie where they can't point to anything.

They can't be like, oh, it's anti-Katites.

Yeah.

It just sucks.

And

it's so refreshing to have something that just sucks dick and not have to be.

And everyone can be like, this sucks.

Oh, it's because women, you know, it's because people aren't ready for cats.

Oh, yeah, like Charlie's Angels failed because

there was too many women

who are going to rape.

But people are doing the same thing with little women.

They're like, oh, men aren't going to see it.

Because they can't handle stories that don't center their experiences.

No.

I would never see that.

Never boring.

Here's the thing.

There's only been one movie that's ever kind of centered my experiences, and it's that Mike Barbigli.

Call me by your name.

Mike Berbiglia movie about fucking improv.

And I would

never go see that fucking movie.

Are you sure it's not the two I said?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Adam, what do you think?

I think Stav might be on something.

I think actually Call Me By Your Name really centers Nick's experience.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you haven't seen any movie because you get hung up at the concession stand.

This argument is a little bit different.

Look, dude, I'm just saying the prices are outrageous.

I can get popcorn.

And it's like, look, I'm willing to pay a small fee to bring my own popcorn in.

Can we barter

I used to do that when I was in high school.

Did you?

I'd bring it in a backpack.

I bring snacks in a backpack.

Breaking the corner.

Yeah, no, I know what you mean.

That improv movie looks so fucking horrible.

Where it's like one of them makes it, and it's like, whatever.

Does one of them

go see a stand-up comedy?

I didn't finish Funny People.

The first hour does rock, though.

The part that's about stand-up.

That's funny.

I will admit.

Yes.

If every movie.

But that's the thing.

I'd see one of those movies and I'd be like, all all right, that was good.

I wouldn't see it every time.

Here's the thing.

In Little Women, if one of the women, if the, gets a fucking puppy and the Russian mafia kills it, and then one of the women kills a hundred guys to take, to be like, fuck you, now I'm an assassin again, then I'll go see Little Women.

But if it's a movie about being on the fucking prairie,

and fucking, oh, yeah, how tiny are their pussies?

I want to see how small they are.

Okay, hold on.

I'm going to go see you.

Are they women with with little pussies?

Because then my dick might feel really big.

Like a tinkerbell-sized bitch.

I'm not going to go

to 1917 either.

That looks kind of good.

Well, you're anti-war.

Yeah, yeah.

Nick's a passion.

Well, it's a movie.

It's 19, 17, and it's about the age of women that Adam dates.

That's not true.

Got his ass.

Adam's like, we need to got his ass drop.

Yeah, Adam's, like, he wants to go see little women.

He's like, but I got to make sure they look like guys.

I've got to make sure they're on SCP-2000.

Adam's mad because he thinks it's about Asian women.

He's like, what the hell?

That's racist.

Did these little women live in Bushwick?

Are they 22 and they have borderline personalities?

I haven't fucked anyone from Bushwick in a while.

Did one of their boyfriends who listens to my podcast recently dump them and they're looking for revenge?

They're looking for revenge.

That has never, literally ever happened to me.

But multiple times it's happened to you.

Wait, I want to, what was I going to say?

I heard that that Pete Holmes show, speaking of things about Sanda.

God, that looks like I never saw it, but I heard that he writes into the show him fucking women.

Oh, yeah.

Which is kind of a promo.

I respect that actor.

Absolutely.

Yeah, I get it.

I got a tip of the hat.

Tip of the hat to Pete Holmes.

Originally, the show was called Smashing.

And he was like, what if it's a show where I fuck?

And it's me.

And I'm fucking.

And I'm fucking.

And I'm fucking.

And you're watching it.

it.

You're watching me fuck.

And I'm smiling.

And we're all watching me fuck.

And it's like, what is this?

Comedic genius, Pete Holmes.

I love that he plays himself at like 20, and he's like a 37-year-old man also.

But I just think he told me he makes John Mulaney older than him on the show.

Is he not in real life?

He uses Irishman technology to

be aging.

Okay.

Yeah.

But John mulaney looks very yeah if one of them had very boyish john mulany might be able to do that with a backwards cap he's a boy he's a sprightly fellow yeah yeah

um

yeah honestly little women i guess i'll see it people say it's really good but i saw knives out and that sucked absolute copy why didn't you look at gems dude you love basketball because i'm gonna see with a friend on christmas day oh you later on later on which was a crazy mistake yeah you should have just seen it i know and lied about it.

But I did see Good Time, the Safty Brothers first movie.

That shit rocked my cock.

The last one they made.

The last one they just made, yeah.

That shit looked awful.

That was awesome.

It was sick, dude.

Robert Pattinson was so good at being a guy from Queens.

And he's really impressed.

I know guys

those Greek guys, those second or third generation Greek guys that become total fucking like scorchers.

Oh, yeah, they're Greek in the movie.

Yeah, yeah.

I know a hundred of those guys, and he nailed it, dude.

He crushed it.

Those guys just like, you know, take advantage of their grandmothers and like the dumb bitches that they date and shit.

Dude, I'm a Robert Pattinson fan.

Me too, dude.

I'm excited for him to be Batman.

Me too, honestly.

That Batman, I can't believe they got me again.

I'm excited to see a Batman.

Because fucking...

He's sick.

He's playing Batman, but also the villains, Big Dick, fucking that Big Dick Irish guy.

What's his name, dude?

Who's in Bruges?

Colin Farrell?

Colin Farrell's of Findler, I think.

I love Colin Farrell.

And then it was going to be fucking Joe Hill.

That would have been fucking cool, but they got someone else.

The second season of Trudeau Detective, I didn't think was very good, but I thought that Colin Farrell was so sick.

I didn't see that shit.

There's a scene where he relapses on Coke and he just throws down like a mountain of Coke on a table and he just does it.

That's tight.

And he's just going full Colin Farrell.

It's amazing.

I didn't think Knives Out looked good, but everyone, it got 97% on Ron Tomatoes.

Usually that's pretty good.

Yeah.

You don't listen.

I don't listen to the critics, dude.

And it had a good cast, but they have Lakeith Stanfield in there, and that mother, all he does, the whole movie is go, is like, look surprised.

And then fucking James Bond talks so, he talks like Foghorn, fucking Leghorn.

It sucks.

Daniel Craig?

Yeah.

He's in it?

Yeah, he's like the main guy.

Oh, true.

How was your weekend, Nick?

What had you been up to?

I don't know.

I just sat on the couch and watched the Sopranos.

Oh, my little brother's re-watching it.

My brother's up for the holidays.

I just, I, like, I spend so much time watching the Sopranos.

It's a good thing to spend your time.

The older you get, the more important it becomes.

Absolutely.

It's more finite.

It's about us, dude.

Yeah.

Without even thinking about it, I clapped and went, all right, Tony

by myself in my apartment.

Ben O'Brien pointed this out, but my favorite part of that show is when Tony treats himself to a murder.

When he's just like, he's spoiling himself.

I'm going to do this one.

Yeah, this one.

I'm going to do this one myself.

Or even when he knows he's not supposed to.

it's awesome, dude.

I watched the one yesterday where you know, Adriana and Tony in a car are getting coke, and they get into a car accident, and then like Chris is, you know, everybody's talking shit about Chris, and so he goes to not kill Tony, but he goes in and he points a gun on him.

And then, you know, they have to take him to

the field, and they're going to kill Chris, and then, yeah, and then they get the doctor because, you know, Tony B like intervenes, and the doctor's like, yeah, no, there's no way she was sucking Tony's dick because she had like lacerations from the seat belt.

And then, you know,

you know, Chris is like, I guess I believe you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's like, well, you guess, you know, he's like, yeah, it doesn't mean he's like, everybody thinks it now.

So now

it only matters what other people think.

Perception.

I got to live in this world.

Very smart idea.

Now I'm Joey Jerkoff.

And then it's just like a shot of like Tony's face, and you think he's kind of processing it, which should be a very easy thing for anyone to understand, but you feel like it finally got through to Tony.

Yeah.

It's like, oh, yeah, I guess like I'm just like I'm reckless and my fucking actions like yeah even hanging out like I'm not fucking Adriana but like the result of my actions or even like flirting with dynamic but you also feel like he's gonna fuck her if we don't get in that car accident yeah so he's like he's like you know but Melfie already praised him for coming in and like talking about the uh you know discussing it rather than like just acting on the impulse so like he's like just fucking he's like you know he finally like maybe it finally clicks with Tony yeah but he's like looking at Chris and he's like, yeah, I'm like, I'm just being fucking reckless.

And I'm like hurting my nephew by doing it.

And then it just immediately cuts to him and Melphie's office.

He's like, I should have fucked her.

Which is right.

Damn, respected Tony.

I love him.

I wish I was Tony Soprano.

It all ended so good for him.

And if I was Tony, I would have fucked her.

And pretty much everyone.

Yeah.

If I was Tony,

I would have been the boss of the whole region.

I would have taken over the New York.

The New York.

Yeah, the New York, the South Jersey.

Maybe even South Jersey.

I would have consolidated everything.

I would have been the man.

Yeah.

I would have, yeah, I would have been.

The Capo de Tutti Capo.

The Tutti Capo.

The Capo de Manacotte.

I remember liking that Tony B storyline.

I think it's dumb this time around.

Yeah, that's one that the first time around it's crushing.

And then you care.

Because you're so happy to see fucking

Bouchemi.

You know, Bouchami.

It doesn't make any sense because he's like, everything is going right for him.

He literally finds $12,000 and he has like one bad night and then his girlfriend bitches at him.

And he's like, well, time to throw it all away.

But don't you get the sense he wants to?

No, because prior to that, he didn't have any of that good fortune.

He was going to just continue working at the fucking laundromat.

And like, why didn't that break him?

Why didn't the reality of working in that fucking laundry facility, like slowly trying...

This was like a five-year plan, and it was accomplished overnight.

And then he has like one bad day, and he like beats the fuck.

Prior to that, he had already had the truck stolen.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

I'd have to reason.

There's all these things that like seriously tested his fucking patience.

And he seemed like he's the guy that intervenes and like stops Tony from killing Chris.

The more

it's just like one, like just one thing with his fuck.

He has like one fight with his fucking.

Perhaps it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I don't know.

I haven't seen it and I don't remember it, but I will argue that perhaps it was.

Well, really?

What I want to do is open a penis sucker.

I want to have, yeah, you just want to go charge guys to suck their cock.

Well, I want to be a masseur, so we're going to bring guys in, and then,

you know, I was thinking maybe I sucked their cock at the end.

Really differentiate myself from the other businesses around here.

Well, a lot of these places they just have Chinese women do it.

Figure if I get in there, you know.

Oh, fuck.

Damn, this is the literal Christmas episode.

This comes out on Christmas.

Wow.

We got to do some Christmas surprises for the episode.

Uh-huh.

You have any Christmas?

Whoa, Adam.

I thought just for a nice little Christmas surprise, I could have just

suck a guy's cock.

You don't have to bleep that out.

Adam, what race do you hate the most?

Whoa, dude.

I'd never.

He's not done.

That's the longest one I've heard.

And all women.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

What are you guys doing for Christmas?

I thought I was going to do something, but I think I might actually stay here and do nothing.

I'm doing Christmas.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I'm going to Christmas.

Where?

My friend's parents' house.

Are you going to Rockwell County?

Christmas Eve.

Wow.

Ecuadorian Christmas.

Interesting.

Yeah.

A little Feliz Navidad, actually.

A little Feliz Navidad.

Sucking on my dish.

Yeah.

Police suck my dad.

Police, that's it.

I hope I get a present.

Police suck my dick.

I hope Sam.

You won't get a crack presentation.

Police suck my dick, Bros Barrow, and you'll please suck my dick.

Well, I got his mom a nice present today, so this bitch owes me a present.

I want to suck you a very penis.

I suck you a very penis

from the bottom of my ass.

Suck me.

Suck me, very.

Oh, dude.

What would Gene not say?

Yeah, he wouldn't say that.

He wouldn't say that.

He's an Elvis person.

He said, that would be disrespectful.

I was like, could you just say suck me, suck me, very dick?

Is Elvis and he's like,

that would be disrespectful.

Suck me, very dick.

I forgot about that.

That had a real run, dude.

We were saying that for a while.

That's the magic of cinema.

It's that movie, that Hollywood magic.

That Hollyhood movie magic.

Dude, speaking of Hollywood, you know what's a good movie, dude?

Barbershop 2.

And Barbershop, for that matter.

Yeah, I like how Cedric the Entertainer is racing with black people.

And he's got some great.

In Barbershop 2, Cedric's going, like, you know, Osama, Saddam, they all up

in a mansion together.

They're just hanging out.

He's just like giving these awesome conspiracy theories.

He was right, dude.

I want to see what Cedric's character has to say about Epstein from the barbershop movies.

That's got to make its way into Barbershop four.

You can't be a player anymore.

I also love that the big Let me ask you something.

How come Epstein, Weinstein, Dershowitz?

No, no.

Let him go, Adam.

He's making it.

I don't know what he's trying to say.

Oh, we all know what Cedric's trying to say.

I also love that the antagonist in Barbershop Two is like a gentrifying

barbershop called Nappy Cuts that just has incredible amenity.

They have like fish tanks, they have like sushi.

They don't have to.

It makes no sense, as a business, it makes no sense.

I told you about that barbershop, that Dominican barbershop I went to in Bush Oak once when I first moved here, and they had straight-up pornography playing.

Oh, yeah.

The one by me, hardcore.

The one by me has cock fights

that they're playing on the internet.

No, like live.

They're betting on them.

I was in Puerto Rico.

I was in Puerto Rico with my ex-girlfriend.

They had a place advertising cock fights.

Yeah, dude.

And then I was like, you see this?

And she's like, she laughed or whatever.

Then she's like, no.

I was like, yeah, no, that's literally what's going on in there.

She thought it was like the name of the place.

Cockfights.

I'm like, no, we're in a different culture.

Of course, they abuse animals.

They don't have electricity after 6 p.m.

They don't, yeah.

They're going to abuse animals.

Right.

What else?

Trust me, don't worry.

In a couple of months, God will take care of this place.

This was, of course, 2016 Yeah,

pre-hurricane.

And I was right.

Me and my fellow Christians, we prayed for those chickens.

The lives of those good chickens.

We prayed for those Christian chickens.

Thank God.

And God

gently

sent a gentle, he blew a gentle kiss towards Puerto Rico in the direction of those chickens and

cleaned it of its sins.

And now they can rebuild as a godly nation.

It's sintitas.

I wanna fuck you a very penis.

I wanna suck you a very penis.

I'm thinking if I'm with Latins for Christmas, I should like.

Because they all believe in ghosts, you know?

So I should maybe do like a prank where they think like the ghosts of Christmas.

The gross of Christmas.

They should do like a

Mexican Christmas carol, right?

That's what it's called.

And Scrooge is like, I don't like Christmas.

And then the ghost shows up and he's like i'm the ghost he's like oh no he's like no i'm just you from the future

no you have to go away he's like no i'm not gonna hurt you i'm you dude i just want to teach you the meaning of christmas gonna show you it's like i'm more of a spirit than it goes you see that words

so the guy's he's lost his accent now

sure yeah

and then he's like he has to go do he has to go hire he's like i guess i gotta hire somebody to go talk to this guy on my behalf

so he goes into the home depot parking lot i'm looking for where are you guys going

no he's scared

he's the scared

ghost

that would be good man let's get that into production asap yeah it's so funny that like you know how much more effective the kkk would have been had it been mexican guys yeah they would have been so scared they're like why don't we like you know we don't want to be racist

because we can't say these things outright.

Maybe if we just scare black people into moving to New York.

That's what you think.

That's what the.

I'm going to dispute that fact, but it's fine.

Ice cream.

Yes.

With Rocky Road.

There's that.

Ben and Jerry says, like, because everybody catches shit for everything, but Ben and Jerry's just has like a Black Lives Matter ice cream flavor.

Yeah.

And it's like, you know, if I feel like anyone else had done that, they wouldn't have gotten away with it.

Yeah, but they want to walk, baby.

Yeah, they're Bernie.

They're Bernie bro.

It doesn't matter, even if you're like.

What does it taste like?

That's the real question.

It's very fucking good.

That's why we're Bernie bros, so we can make jokes about Black Lives Matter's ice cream shit.

You know what's comedy

in an ice cream company?

It's the same thing, dude.

You know what's racist?

We're a business.

We are a business.

We're a person.

We're three individuals.

We're a corporate business.

We're a corporate business.

Yeah, dude.

Personally.

It's beautiful.

We together are not a business.

If you're, say, for example, some sort of lawyer looking to sue any individual manager.

Sue Nick.

I'm not a businessman.

I'm a businessman.

You can't.

I can't.

I'm not responsible for the things that either of you do or say.

Okay.

That really comes in handy.

But you suggest most of the things that I do and say.

Not true.

Yeah, you do.

You did suggest

for him to suck your penis.

And look how it turned out.

That was a suggestion.

And he did take it.

He's now the president

of your corporation.

Of

Dick sucking

LLC.

Yeah, we got this guy Adam who's gonna be working in the

massage parley.

Yeah, Tony doesn't like him, but I don't know, he does good work.

I don't know what it is about this guy.

Fuck me.

First you work here.

I think you're a lazy American and criminal.

But now I see how hard you suck dick.

I'm going to give you front with the money for your business, your dick sucking business,

because you think like Korean.

And before anyone gets mad at me, that was the character.

That's the character,

the guy that was a pretty good impression.

Yeah, very close.

Dude, you know what's fucked up in race?

Jeez, Adam, you can take a day off.

No.

You know, you don't have to do that.

But I love it.

Man who loves his work has no work at all.

I never work a day in your life.

I tell you what, Tony.

I'll be doing the Adam character of this, bitch.

Don't Don't worry, Adam, listen, I got to talk to you.

I don't know if you're trying to take off or Hanukkah or oh, perfect.

Keep doing that.

Mmm, yummy.

What you were saying something, Tony?

I don't sound like that.

No, you do.

No, I don't, dude.

You know, I don't.

I don't sound like that.

I don't sound like that.

You don't sound like that.

I sound different.

I sound cooler than that.

No.

I sound cool.

I sound so fucking cool.

I live in Brooklyn where I'm cool.

No, dude, I hate Brooklyn.

I've been in Brooklyn.

Oh, yeah, where you moving to fucking Lower fucking Dime Square, bitch?

No, dude.

Dime Square, dude.

Pebbles, La Dime, Dime Square.

I want to move to like Sunnyside or Woodside.

Pebbles, La Dime, Dime Square.

Woodside, stay the fuck out of Queens, bitch.

No, I want to move to Queens, dude.

I love it.

Copier.

Honestly, it's the best borough in Queens.

It is copier.

I'm not copying you.

You're copying, moving to Queens.

I like how much of Queens is a cemetery.

It's goth vibes.

It is goth, and you don't deserve it.

You deserve to be here.

I like how many different languages

are changed out.

I like walking around in a place where no one wants to talk to me.

Yep.

No one gets mad at me.

That's here.

No, that's not true.

People don't want to talk to you here.

People want to talk to me here, but they don't want to say nice things.

I feel like I'm criticized a lot less.

That is an important distinction.

I was in Queens for lunch today.

Fuck, dude.

Where were you?

In

what's it, with an E.

Where'd you go?

With an E.

With an E, yeah.

Elmhurst.

Where'd you go?

To this place, this Thai place is banging.

Interesting.

La Moon.

Let me check my phone.

Let me check my messages.

Hmm.

Didn't see anything from Adam.

I was with a girl, dude.

For lunch, dude?

Yeah.

Who was it?

I don't know, but she might be the one.

You don't know who she is, but she might be.

I don't know her name, but she might be the one.

Oh, yeah.

What did the pussy do?

Did it do some tricks?

Yep.

Pretty much.

Pretty much.

It was so good that it lasted like 35 seconds.

That's awesome, bro.

That's how good it was.

Damn, I'd love to blast.

I'd love to blast inside of a woman at some point soon.

Inside of her?

Yeah.

I won't have a kid 20.

That would be nice.

I got to get a bitch pregnant in the first three months of 2020, that means.

Why?

So I could have a kid by the end of the year.

Why do you want to do that?

Because I want to be a single father.

Everyone loves single fathers.

Every Disney Channel movie.

That would be so funny.

The single father is such a good guy.

Just cut to whatever kind of Elliott Roger shooting is fucking half Asian, half-Jewish son.

No.

He's like, My fucking dad is a fergant.

And it's woman's fault.

Dude,

I would love it if you had a kid, honestly.

I would love it.

Or you, Nick.

I just want a baby in my life that I can love that's not mine.

My friend's got a little cousin.

The family will be a secret.

Yeah.

Like, Joe.

We only do some quiet place shit, but we're only speaking in sign line.

Quiet place shit.

You have to walk on

a fucking weld and

do carpentry and keep them away from the outside world.

No way, dude.

I'm doing a Dominican style.

I'm going to have multiple takes.

My daughter's like 14.

She's like, Dad, what are takes?

And I'm like, Who told you about that?

You try to protect her.

They're nothing.

Don't worry about it.

There's no such thing as takes.

She goes into the attic and just

finds like printed out message boards.

Yeah, just say like a fucking old Dell from 1998.

Boop, boop.

Just booting up.

Takes you to, what was the one message board that everybody from Weird Twitter was on?

Something awful.

Takes you to she just finds some of those,

I think.

Or 4chan.

Ooh, 4chan.

Dude, 4chan always scared me.

I hated 4chan.

Shout out to 4chan.

Shout out to the homies.

It was gay, but it also scared me.

Because they would have like...

you know, child pornography and like people dying and fat women shitting.

You were afraid you'd be into it.

I was not afraid I'd be be into childboard

i was more into rotten.com justav like at home his face covered in chocolate and getting chocolate all over the keys looking scared trying to back you can get the back button out of force hand yeah with the buttons i didn't understand message board i didn't know what the anon fucking meant at the time i've put it together you didn't know the word anonymous i didn't why did every why was everybody had the same name It was weird.

But you just didn't know the word anonymous.

It's Greek.

It's a Greek word.

I knew the word, but it was like, why is everyone's name?

You probably knew a guy named Anonymous.

That's not a guy's name.

You probably thought it was a Greek guy named Anonymous.

I was like, why is Anonymous posting all this child pornography?

I'm on this forum for Greek guys.

I know it is because everyone's got a Greek names.

I'm just popping up on child porn pornography.

That's so funny.

But it's scaring me.

Guys, I tell you what, if you're trying to get your penis hard, hard as fuck.

Take it away, fellas.

If you're trying to get your little fucking Prickadel stiffaroon, then what you need is not diet and exercise and, you know, living a better lifestyle, doing less drugs.

What you need is to keep doing all that cool stuff.

But take another drug, an exercise.

Bluetooth.com.

You need to go to the doctor who will tell you, yep, everything you're doing is great.

Oh, you have anxiety?

Wink, wink.

Here you go.

Here are some dick pills.

And that's what you, and listen.

And you'll get the stiff.

In fact, does anybody have a blue chew I can borrow?

No.

You're out?

Yeah, I'm waiting for my new shipment.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

I should resubscribe.

I need to resubscribe.

That's cool.

Fuck.

Well, yeah.

If anyone is listening.

I was so dependent on him.

I wanted to see what I could do au naturale.

Can you do?

Yeah, I tried to go clean, but then I had a little reload.

You know what I did?

Just start, you have to get back into beating off to your imagination.

And then that sucks for a while.

Absolutely.

But then it works.

Yeah, but don't do what we're saying.

Go to bluechew.com/slash come town or whatever.

Put in the promo code.

Yeah, you have to, no, not no, no stimulants for you can't like you got to beat off to your mind.

And then after you get used to that, you can go back to playing Battlefield 1 and pretending like you're in the trenches

and

you and your Tommies need the beat off to stay warm.

Absolutely.

You're doing it for warmth, sir.

To stave off trench foot.

I turn the volume all the way up on my noise-canceling PlayStation 4 headphones and listen to just the sounds of, we are taking Objective Dog.

And I pretend the Japanese are coming to take Objective Dog.

Yep.

And then only then can I get hard.

But if you have that problem, if you can't get hard in any other circumstance, you can take a little shortcut called Blue Chew.

Blue Chew.

And listen, they got the good shit.

You think this is gas station, you know, you don't know what's in there?

No.

You're getting generic versions of fucking styles and volume.

You think we don't know what this shit is?

It's Philadelphia and Salamophil.

And Siddhan and Lafil.

It's real shit, motherfucker.

It's real.

And it gets your cock stiffer than fucking you'd ever believe.

Remember the movie

Dallas Buyers Club?

Yes.

Yeah.

Of course.

Great movies.

Another movie that was kind of in your existence.

Yeah, actually, it is.

Yeah.

I'm in based on that guy.

The Texas.

Which is a man who was straight and was still punished by God.

In real life, he was actually gay by God.

Yeah, in real life, he was gay.

Well, we're talking about the movie.

The movie's based on me.

A tough guy.

He's not based on you.

A tough guy from Texas.

He's not based on a gay guy they pretend.

You're not from Texas.

You live there for a while.

I am a tough guy from Texas.

He's being punished by God despite being a straight county.

Despite being straight,

he is not straight.

He is a straight guy, and he's got a mustache.

And he can get in shape for a movie when he needs to.

Anyway, how is that related to dick pills that we're selling?

I don't know.

You interrupted me.

I had a point, and then you tried tried to.

Well, the point, here's the point.

The point is, is like.

The only reason you know that guy's gay in real life is because you kissed him on the lips.

So what?

It was a mistake.

Everyone's allowed to make a mistake.

Yeah.

And guess what?

I don't care, actually.

Right, because you're morbidly obese, which cancels out the AIDS.

No, it doesn't.

Yep.

And I'm regular obese.

I know, you would be morbidly obese.

And here's the thing.

If you didn't have AIDS.

No, I don't think that's.

That you got from that guy.

So I'm real life.

Hold on.

So I'm not morbidly obese.

You said I would be in a scenario.

So you're admitting I'm regular obese.

Thank you.

I'll take it.

And even if you are obese and your cock can't get hard because of that, go to bluechew.com to stiffen up your prick in ways you can barely imagine.

I'm mad you said that in movies about me.

No, but he wasn't saying that you're the fucking

Matthew McConaughey.

He was saying you're the Jared Leto.

Yeah, you're Jared Leto.

No.

That's me.

No, you're not.

No, you're Matthew McConaughey because he's gay.

No.

Jared Leto's trans.

Yeah.

That's not being gay.

He's just a woman.

She's a woman.

No, I'm just saying that.

Nick is gay.

I'm going to go back and add the beep for that entire part.

I'm going to beep out all your shit.

So

the only thing we hear is me saying, that movie's about me.

And then you saying, that's right.

I haven't seen the movie, but I'm sure there's actually gayer guys than Matthew McConaughey, and actually, that's who you are.

Anyway,

get your cock hard, man.

Don't matter what movie you're watching.

You're gay, you're straight, you're bi, you're pan.

Fuck it, dude.

You can get your dick hard and fuck

a stick of butter with this kind of shit, dude.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

What's the thing if you only fuck smart people?

Sapiosexual.

Yeah, I'm that.

So Adam takes one and goes to

college.

Yeah, there's a bunch of like.

Fucks the professors.

Yeah, a bunch of simpletons.

I can't have sex with simpletons because I'm a sapio.

You know what I'm saying?

So I take this pill and I can have sex with anyone I want.

I'm reading this thing that says stupid shit.

No matter how obesity could be.

It's absolutely moronic.

Obesity could rob you of.

I looked up what's the difference between morbid obesity and regular obesity.

It says obesity could rob you of 20 years of health.

Obesity knocks 20 years of good health off your life and can accelerate your death by eight years.

But how about instead of calling it robbing you of 20 years of your life, we refer to it as skipping to dessert?

I would love that.

That's what I'm doing.

Fuck vegetables, dude.

Fuck

right.

I'm getting right to the ice cream part of life, baby.

Yes, sir.

Right now, I'm enjoying a fat steak, and I'm going to, in about five years' time, it's about to be, it's about to be

around me swimming.

So, you know, like, to put in any disease in the Google, it has its

fucking, like the facts about it.

So it says very common, more than three million cases per year.

Usually self-diagnosable.

Yeah.

So anyway,

maybe you're having a heart attack.

No, it smells like fucking like burning.

You smell that?

The only thing burning is the pussies that you're going to have to.

No, it literally smells like fucking...

Or assholes or mouths with Blue Chew.com.

What the fuck is that?

I really don't smell shit.

Really?

Yeah, dude.

Are you honestly smelling?

Yeah, I'm not fucking kidding.

It smells like...

You're having a heart attack.

No, it would be a stroke, first of all.

Oh, a stroke.

Yeah, not burning hair per se, but like burning.

No, not toast.

Thank God.

It's like some kind of burning chemical.

Maybe it's a trash?

It could be the trash, but I don't know.

Whatever.

All right, so Bluechew.com.

Promo code ComeTown or Com120 or something.

Look, man, who fuck just figure it out?

Come, come town.

Get your fucking penis stiff.

How quickly does it take for a new shipment, Adam?

Yeah, look, first of all,

no awkward in-person doctor

information.

None of that.

You go online, and there's no waiting in line at the pharmacy or any kind of interaction with anybody.

You go on there, you say what you have, you know, they do a quick screen, takes five minutes, you sign up.

And if you go online there,

you put the information in, and you're talking about just a couple of minutes.

You just talk, you give them a chat.

And it works better than the other other brands because it's chewable.

So it can be

can work up to twice as fast.

That's how it gets.

And you can take them on an empty stomach or a full stomach

and you get prescribed online easily and it ships to your door in discrete packaging.

Wow.

So these are all things that are put them in the plus column.

And Blue Chew gives you, they're made in the USA in case you're

an anti-free trade guy.

Oh, yeah.

I'm a trade protectionist.

Here's your deal.

deal.

Oh, cool.

Yeah.

Oh, wow, cool.

Thanks, dude.

Wow.

Well, you want to continue?

Sorry.

Oh, no.

I'm sort of just thinking about how cool that is.

That is really cool, Adam.

It's really cool, dude.

You're a cool guy, man.

You're so cool.

I appreciate it.

No, hold on.

I mean it, dude.

You're cool.

I appreciate you saying that.

I mean, what?

Psych!

Okay.

Oh,

shit, man.

How are you going to psych me like that?

Yeah.

In front of the fans?

I got it.

In front of the listeners.

Here's a great deal for you guys.

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Nice.

I'm literally re-signing up right now to get more dick pills for my software.

Can you get 30 a month?

It costs like, yeah.

How much does that cost?

Like $90.

All right.

I'll pay any price.

Like we said, this is like a lifestyle brand.

So it's like you wake wake up, you have it with your vitamins in the morning.

Oh, yeah.

That shit take it every day.

The Cialis one lasts 36 hours, they say, I think.

Yeah, it's the weekender, baby.

So, yeah, you could take that on a Fr Friday afternoon.

Are you still smelling shit?

Yeah.

I'm not smelling shit, dude.

It might just be the trash.

I think it's probably the trash.

Oh, and by the way, come see me on tour, stabby.biz/slash tour.

It smells like burning, like, wax or like some kind of like burning

interesting.

I'm not getting that.

i'm coming

up right now burning vinyl or something providence texas dallas

dc tucson phoenix the dallas penis club dublin and the uk

i'm starting a club i'm starting a club hillary

the dallas

good news I got I met a guy named Jeppy and he's taking me on his airplane to meet the president Hillary Jeppy Hillary I'm trying something new.

Oh, no.

Hillary, I got a new one.

Why don't we see how their penises taste?

Maybe, maybe I'm just, I'm gay, but I'm gay for retar.

You know, we extended our lives by raping children.

Maybe we can make ourselves happier by raping the mentally disabled.

That's true.

Honestly, they probably have tried it.

If you're a pedophile, why not?

Like, at that point, you've crossed the Rubicon.

We're starting a club here in Dallas.

I wish I could do Matthew McConaughey.

We're starting to see.

All right, all right, all right.

Yeah, of course.

Everyone goes, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right.

I love when I say, I wish I could do a guy, and then you immediately take a stab at it, and it's just

breaking it in the off chance, airballing it, in the off chance he could do it, though.

Why not?

Yeah, I'm gonna get one.

Yeah, I'm gonna get one now never

you know

never

wayne gretzy wayne gretzky said that never said that if you take if you never said

if you take enough shots your pussy gets stuck you're gonna miss you're gonna miss a true fuck to wayne gretzky you're gonna fuck once it's actually wayne brady that said that

really and he said um

is wayne brady gonna have to choke a bitch

yeah

or chappelle you know he um

he's got a new fucking, uh, he's got a show.

He's got a brand new penis.

He went to the Dallas Penis Club.

He went to the the Dallas Penis Club.

He's got a show.

Let's make these guys.

Just need penises.

They just need cocks.

Oh,

I gotta give them some cocks.

Let me ask you something.

How does he sound?

Let me ask you something.

Anybody that's from Texas, you can just do a Texas accent, but it's like almost fucking impossible to do the actual guy.

So just do the accent, man.

Why?

For right now, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay,

I can do some impressions.

No, you can't do one.

Owen Wilson.

Oh, my God.

What are you going to say?

Wow.

Anybody that, look, if you're just doing the impression that everybody else fucking does, it doesn't count.

It's like you have to come up, you have to do a different there was a guy, and I don't want to shit on him because I was like, I like the guy, and he's a nice guy, but there was a guy that would do a Chris Walken impression on stage.

Yeah.

And then eventually he would just do his entire act as Christopher Walker.

Frank Calliander.

He would throw in Denzel too?

Who?

No, different guy.

You don't know this guy.

No, we're thinking about the guy that only does Denzel.

There's a guy in Baltimore.

And again, I don't want to see it on him either.

I fuck with him.

No, no, no, no.

That's a different guy.

Oh, yeah.

There's so many comics that just do that.

There's a guy that just does

Obama.

It's awesome, dude.

Yeah, if you can only do Christopher Walken, you can't do voices.

Yeah, and you're not doing Christopher Walken.

You're doing Jay Moore doing Christopher Walken.

Yeah, that's fine.

Some of them are like, you know, like Bill Cosby.

It's almost for the further away from Bill Cosby you are, the funnier it is.

Yeah.

I don't even remember what the real Bill Cosby is.

Dumb Bill Cosby.

Especially now that he's been out.

I'm in jail for a while at a restaurant.

They took about

the public eye before having rapes.

First of all, did you see?

He's

put his peters out to pull it.

Little Spanish flap.

You go ahead and beat her up and slap her on the face and then you rip her pants off and shove your cockatooer pussy.

Well, there is often time when a bitch doesn't want to get fucked into the pussy.

What you gotta do is you gotta set the record straight, you see.

Thank you, Mr.

Cosby.

Can I tell you the darndest thing?

Yeah, yeah.

Shut up.

Well, we're doing a show called Women Say the Darndest Thing.

See, you raped me in in the dressing room.

Oh, Paul, can you believe what she said?

It's she's great.

And you all saw it here on TV.

She's crazy.

Every episode is that.

Everyone's like, woo!

It turns out she's mentally

retarded.

Cosby issued a statement after Eddie Murphy made fun of him on SNL, and he called him a slave to Hollywood.

You know what you are, Andy Watson?

You're a t.

Whereas I stood up for myself and I took what I wanted.

But it's like,

who is asking a fucking rapist in jail what he thinks of something?

He gets SNL in jail?

I guess.

Yeah.

That's pretty sick.

That is pretty cool.

He's also allowed to rape in there.

Really?

Did you see, have you seen anything with what Epstein's setup was when he actually did that 13 months in Palm Beach?

No.

Well, he got to go to work every day.

Well, he set up a company that did not exist until he was sentenced.

And then he had a, there was no work.

It's a fake company that was created just while he was in prison.

It's just an office for Estonia.

So it was an office for him to go to, and then they had to, like, bring prison guards.

And he just

paid fucking half a million dollars basically to like, and then he could have people over whenever he wanted.

He would like schedule business meetings.

Yeah.

In jail?

In jail.

Damn, dude.

It's so sick.

How come I don't get a setup like that?

I'll tell you why.

It's because Epstein,

Weinstein, all of these guys are.

And

if I was just maybe one of those types of fellas, I would have gotten away with it.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Oh, man.

We haven't dropped that yet.

Well, 47 minutes into the episode.

Let's have to re-review myself.

I don't know how far into the episode it is.

No.

We started exactly at five.

I think so.

I was going to say, because you almost nailed it.

I was going to say this.

Where are we at?

Impressive.

I thought we started around 5.

Whatever the time version of Dead Reckoning is.

What's Dead Reckoning?

I have an internal clock.

It's perfect.

Dead Reckoning is where you kind of know which direction you're heading.

Oh, yeah.

I do not have that at all.

Yeah.

Well, it's a masculine trait, actually, to have.

So, what, bitch?

What are you trying to say?

I know which direction I'm facing right now.

Bitch.

By the way, I just slapped Adam and he did nothing.

Because I'm a masculine no i didn't flint and he's feminine i didn't flint

i'm a watch

oh fuck

there's really no application for that one no it doesn't come up it'll never come up no there's no place for it it's just like let's listen to that again yep

so ecuadorian christmas huh yeah i can't wait bro what do they got fucking what kind of food food?

Flan, probably.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I fuck with Flan.

Actually, I have relatives from Ecuador.

No, you don't.

Yeah, I have cousins.

They're from

Quito.

Silence!

I do.

I seriously do.

Ecuador, yeah, I wonder what they were doing over in Ecuador.

They owned, I think, like a zipper factory.

Yeah.

And I'm sure they treated their workers really nicely.

Some sort of textile situation.

Yep.

Yeah, I'm sure they treated their workers great.

It's a country where it's all Hispanic people, and you can treat them however you like.

They're great workers.

Great workers.

They don't know how much things cost.

They work very hard.

Yeah, it was the trash.

It was the trash.

Now that I moved the trash, it's gone away.

Oh, good.

Damn, I was really happy.

I'm glad you're not having a stroke, yeah.

That stroke is so funny if you die during the show.

Heart attack would rule.

Well, no one would hear it because neither of you know how to upload the episode.

Yeah, we'd yeah, but if you'd get the S D card out,

I have a kill switch.

I have a kill switch.

I've got a kill switch that kills both of you.

What we would do is take the SD card and auction it off to the biggest fucking loser.

Oh, my God.

We'd make the last episode of Cometown ever.

$250K, probably minimum.

$500 because everyone's poor.

Yeah, everyone's poor.

But they could all pool their money.

That's true.

For the episode where Nick dies.

Yeah.

Yeah, if Nick died, I guess we'd just keep the Patreon going and hope no one would notice that

their cards keep getting charged.

And we'd probably get a couple of things.

We'd get a good like 20% of them wouldn't.

We'd probably get a couple nice months out of that.

Yeah,

it's the planet fitness business model, right?

Yeah, exactly.

Like people just forget about it.

I mean, you know damn well you would just continue doing the show without me.

No way.

100%.

There would be maybe a three-week break.

No,

at least five.

Yeah, four.

You would go to Greece and Hershey Park.

Yeah, I would.

In that order.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd talk to some publishers about my book, My Friend Nick.

Yeah,

which Adam has ready to publish.

It's already written at this point.

It's about how

I was the best friend to him, and I was such a good guy.

It's mainly about me.

You had a secret relationship that he didn't like to tell people.

Yeah, I wouldn't mind.

I don't care.

About all of our activities.

You'd be dead at that point.

Yeah, when you're dead, who cares?

You're dead.

Yeah, I would lie a ton about you.

I'd be going around scaring Hispanic people.

Boo!

No!

Some guys with another ghost is like, hey, man, if you keep doing that shit, you're not going to get into heaven.

I'm like, pal, where do you think I am?

I'm at Home Depot.

Surrounded by the things I love, scaring the people I hate.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a Kinsiniera four blocks away.

There's a Keats that I got to mosey on over to

boo that place up.

Did you see that movie, Coco?

Coco wrecked me emotionally, bro.

I watched it on a plane.

Something strange.

I audibly cried.

Oh, I like it.

Not Miguel.

Not Miguel.

Please don't call me.

Please don't call me.

Don't talk about it.

Please don't call me.

I don't want to know about the ghost.

Give me something strange.

You soft ass dick.

Who are you gonna call?

My penis.

I'm gay.

My dick is small.

Please fuck my ass.

My dick is small.

Please fuck my ass.

I'm so afraid of ghost boosting.

Ghostbusting.

No way to ghost boosting.

Damn.

what I'm doing for Christmas, Adam.

You're watching Hoop?

Well, yes, but Christmas Eve, me, my brother, my good buddy George, we're going to see Star Wars on the mushrooms.

I'm the only good, God-fearing Christian on this show.

I'm going to see the last Star Wars, and I probably won't see this.

It doesn't matter.

You don't need to fucking see it.

There's no reason.

I mean, just seeing people fucking have meltdowns about it.

Did you see that bitch saying she was on the ground wailing in pain?

Why?

Crying at the misogyny of Star Wars.

Oh, that makes me want to see it, though.

Yeah.

It's probably funny.

Andrew Dice Clay.

I saw the first ones of these ones, and it's like, and like, you know,

it was the same movie.

Yeah, that's the thing.

It's like the exact same movie.

It hit all the notes.

It was like a better sequel than the prequels were.

But the prequels,

I like the third one.

But for the prequels, for as gay and shitty as they were, they were at least like trying to do something different.

It's like, okay, we're going to go, we're going to just go do something weird Yeah.

And hope that we can create a different kind of like fun than the originalists were.

And it missed the mark entirely.

Yeah.

They're talking about Minichlorians.

George Lucas wanted to make

this one before Disney bought it.

He wanted to explain the science of the force.

It's like, no one gives a fuck.

I was funny.

I was thinking about

the other day about how, like, if you had never heard of Scientology, it would just sound like something like some black guy was saying at the bus stop while giving advice.

He's like, you know, man, because you got to think about the Scientology of things.

You got to clear your thinkings out, bro.

You got to stop thinking like an OG, start thinking like an OT.

Yes.

You know, man.

Look, it's no player.

I'm talking about computers.

There's an alien scene.

Yeah, we're going to hook your ass up to computers, man.

This ain't about some old school religious shit.

We got new.

You put your hands on these

tubes.

These cans.

What are they called?

Yeah.

And then I got a car battery.

Look it.

There go your levels.

It's like you're just, it's a guy holding two extension cords plugged into a TR-808.

I don't have the effects on the ball.

It's gone.

Sucking on the balls.

I'm the dick-sucking guy, and I'm drunk on alcohol.

I don't know.

I don't know.

It doesn't matter, man.

It doesn't matter.

Who fucking cares?

Who gives a shit?

Dude, Jesus.

I don't give a shit.

Jesus can suck my little penis.

First of all,

how am I the only good God-fearing Christian?

First of all, but

I don't mean to break nothing to you, but

Christmas happens to be during a fucking pagan holiday.

Okay.

Jesus was actually born at a different time of the year.

So I'm the only God-fearing Christmas person.

It was like a Roman gay sex festival that they turned into Christmas.

What's wrong with that, dude?

That's cool.

If it was a gay sex festival, I'd be like, okay, that sounds kind of nice.

So you're not into Christmas because it's pagan.

I know.

They stole the pagan stuff.

The HF Festival.

It's the gay sex festival.

It's the gay sex festival.

And Jimmy's chicken shack is at both.

Yeah.

Ozzy Osbourne.

Jimmy, Eat World.

Hootie and the Blowfish.

Billy Idol.

R-E-M.

Smashing Pumpkins.

I saw Billy Idol at HF Festival.

Billy Idol.

No, I can smell that shit again.

The fuck?

I don't smell it, dude.

Okay, I understand you guys don't smell it, but there's something that smells bad.

With a hot ass dick.

I got fucked, fucked, fucked.

With a mess penis.

I got fucked.

No, that just smells like regular body odor.

Mm-hmm.

Which you admit you have.

Gotcha, bitch.

Sometimes.

If I don't shower for a couple days, I mean, but it's like, you know.

My balls smell if I don't smell it.

Your balls are ripe.

Adam's tiny balls.

They're not small.

You do have little balls.

Don't say that on the show.

Dude, that's reality, man.

It's not.

You don't have to hide from it.

I just have a long scroder.

You have tiny little dense balls.

They're not small balls.

Yes, they really are.

Regular size testicles.

They're not regular.

Small balls.

All right, take your nut out right now.

I literally will, dude.

All right.

Hold on.

How is it?

How are you doing that without even moving your body?

Yeah.

What is that?

One testicle?

One nut.

It's pretty big.

That is pretty big.

Actually, that's smaller than I thought your nuts were.

No, no, you thought his nuts were smaller?

I thought your nuts were bigger than that.

It's pretty big.

Because we were on that boat together.

That's one nut.

That's not a small nut, but yeah.

Thank you.

Adam, pull your nut out.

All right, one sec.

All right, I guess we're all pulling our nuts.

This is normal size.

No, you're squeezing it.

I'm not squeezing it.

This is my left testicle.

That's one little ball.

It's not little.

Stop it.

That's one little ball.

Let's see, Nick's

wider than I thought it was.

And one ball is bigger, right?

Yours is bigger.

Are they?

I think one hangs lower.

That's a nice nut.

We have the same.

We all have the same.

No.

We all have the same.

Nick's is pinker.

Nick's the pinkest dick.

You have the biggest.

Mine was kind of yellow.

Yeah, yours.

Mine is gangrenous.

Your nut needs some work, dude.

But the color of your nuts indicates healthy.

Mine are definitely too red.

You're red.

Your balls were red.

You're Irish.

Your genitals are red.

It's just I've gotten older and they've gotten red.

They get red.

Like an old man's nose.

Yeah.

Like a baboon would.

It's a sign of dominance.

It really is very funny.

I mean, every time I go into like a YMCA to see an old man naked, just to see what their genitals are.

Honestly, Adam, I'm not convinced that wasn't both your nuts squeezed together.

Dude, that was my left nut.

That was both your nuts squeezed together.

Dude.

Stop.

Yeah, pull them both out, man.

You want to see both my nuts?

Let me see them both.

All right, I got to twist my dick underneath my nuts.

Yeah, everybody had.

That's the way you pulled it out.

That's the way you pull your balls out.

No, but it's just acrobatic.

These are both

tiny nuts.

They're not small.

In tandem, those are small as shit.

No, they're not.

You finessed it to make it look bigger.

Together, those are little nuts.

How did I?

I didn't finesse anything.

I just showed you the left.

I don't know how you did it.

I don't know what kind of tricks you did.

How is it possible that the left one is a big one?

You're squeezing hard.

How do you squeeze?

You can't squeeze it to be bigger.

It's okay that you have little nuts.

I don't have small nuts.

It's okay that you have little bits.

And I do ropes.

You know I do ropes.

That's not what I hear.

You know, I blast rope.

That's honestly not what I hear.

No, come on.

I'm Peter Northbach.

That actually has nothing to do with your nuts.

That's more your prostate.

It's your ass.

Yeah, it's what's going on in your ass.

It comes from my ass.

So

Adam's getting his prostate just straight up massaged.

Actually, you know what?

You're right.

You do.

Yeah, I put out loads.

Sometimes before I even come, they're just being squeezed out of me somehow.

I don't know what it is,

but somehow it's as if I'm being milked.

A little drip.

A little cock drip.

I don't understand how that works.

Well, listen, everyone, if you're listening right now and you have a group of friends, pull out your nuts.

That's the Cometown Christmas tradition.

On Jesus' birthday, make sure you know who's got the biggest nuts in your crew, who's got red nuts.

It's good, it's a community thing.

Yeah, it's no, it goes get that checked out, Nick.

Go get your red nuts.

No, it's just in the winter, I guess.

I don't know.

You know what?

No, but I definitely remember not having red nuts.

Yeah, they were red nuts.

They definitely shrunk and they turned red

at some point.

My shits stay plump and they stay nice and tany.

You know, honestly, I do, I do think it is from like uh, I started wearing like compression.

Like I wear briefs right all the time.

Well, I used to just wear briefs.

Yeah,

I wear boxer briefs, and then I got into like, and that was was also when I found that fucking cyst on one of my nuts.

I kept my shit trimmed up.

Oh, like a fucking

scared.

Yeah, you were.

I forgot about that.

Yeah, I think it fucked my shit up to have compressed nuts.

Probably.

You gotta let those boys breathe.

Well, I don't know.

Who gives a shit, right?

Who really cared about it?

Honestly, red is a power move.

You pull those nuts out and they're bright, beat red, it'll scare a bitch, dude.

And that'll get her to sucking quick.

You see, what you gotta do is you gotta get your

bright red bright red to scare a bitch.

It's fight or flight at that point, dude.

You know, either she runs or she starts fighting, which is sucking your dick.

What are you looking at?

Huh?

Tell me.

A text message.

From who?

From my neighbor.

Do you want to have sex with him?

No, you know my neighbor.

With a hard ass dick.

I want more, more, more.

Penis.

When it comes to cock,

I want more, more, more.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I miss having a Christmas tree.

I haven't done anything like that in a while.

Maybe next year.

I love Christmas trees.

They make your house smell really nice.

You never had one.

No, but I've been in a house with a Christmas tree.

It smells nice.

I kind of might do it next year.

Maybe I'll just start celebrating Christmas.

They smell nice.

Christmas is so nice.

I've been jealous of it my whole life.

Everyone seemed so happy.

Like in my neighborhood, I'd see like kids riding their new bike.

Just the thought of going to bed and in the morning you wake up and you have presents.

It's incredible.

It must be the most exciting

feeling in the world.

It was such a part of my childhood.

I cannot believe you never experienced it.

It's so sad.

I was so fucking sad and depressed.

My entire upbringing,

I wanted Santa to be real.

I like didn't even have Santa.

Did you break it to the Christians that he wasn't?

Once I found out, of course I was.

I was like, you know, your parents are lying to you, you fucking faggots.

You fucking cheap.

Hell yeah.

You fucking idiot.

You live in an apartment.

How would he even get in?

What's the best present you ever got for Hachanuka?

I never got any good presents.

I'm pretty sure my parents stole all of my...

They'd like write me a check and then they'd be like, all right, we'll put it in your bank account.

And I never saw that shit.

No, I did.

That went right up your dad's ass.

I don't know where my barm is.

I didn't, I mean, I didn't get very much money, but

some of my friends cleaned up.

Yeah.

My friend David had his barmas at the four seasons, and he got his mom to rent him a white tuxedo with tails and a white bow tie.

Sounds pretty cool.

Fuck, dude.

Insane, bro.

I wonder what my best present ever was.

I was like, GameCube.

I remember getting Super Nintendo, and my dad said, I need you to help me get something out of the trunk.

And I opened the trunk and I saw the Super Nintendo, and I flipped.

Whoa.

Yeah.

How did you see it

on the side?

Your dad forgot that was in there, and he's like, oh, yeah, it's for you.

And then, like 13 hours later, him quietly deleting a Craigslist post about like, looking for a couple of fellas to come over to

play Super Nintendo.

Jason donkey hole.

With pants off.

Just like a couple of boys having a sleepover.

Nothing gay.

Yeah.

Nothing gay.

Some jacking up.

Maybe later we discover pornography together and have a group wank.

He did actually legitimately get addicted to my Super NES.

Really?

What was he playing?

Mario.

No.

What was the girls' game for Mario?

Yeah, Girl Mario.

Mario Girls.

Princess.

Well, I also used to have Mario Paint.

I used to make beats on there.

You can make songs.

Yeah, sure, you did.

You made beats.

You weren't just drawing pictures of yourself as a girl.

No, I wasn't.

Trying to figure out how how to play Hava Naguila on Mario Paint doesn't count as making it.

I love it.

He's just like playing some gay game where he makes little gay ass music.

Yeah, I made beats.

I was black.

I was a black kid making rap music.

And I'm playing some.

You know about how I feel about hip-hop culture, dude.

You don't like it.

It's funny.

You don't like it.

No, hate it.

You just run it out of bedside.

Stop listening to it.

It's too loud.

Stop it with the hip-hop.

Have you ever seen Fiddler on the Roof?

Of course.

Is it good?

It's kind of tight, actually.

I kind of like musicals, though.

Yeah.

Yeah, how about Diddler on the Tooth?

And he's like, maybe try not biting my fingers so much.

He's like, I don't want to do this.

I guess we'll have somebody else be an iCarly then.

If I was a rich man, I would have my own island where I could do whatever I want.

if I had all the money in the world.

I would rape a bunch of little girls

if I were a rich man.

Bill Clinton would come to my house on the island.

We would be friends.

I would be friends with Bill Gates and Bill Clinton if I was a rich man.

Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein.

I won't do your wits.

I won't do your wits.

And it's true because it's Jewish.

It's a Jewish movie.

No, it worked well.

It's funny and it's true.

That's what's beautiful.

That's the best kind of comedy.

You're speaking truth to power.

Let me find the sound clip I want.

No worries, man.

Yeah, keep looking.

Nick's going to dig in the crate for some clips.

Damn.

Have you ever experienced a Christmas?

Did you ever get a chance?

Yeah, I went.

I dated a girl who lived in northern suburbs, Chicago,

and had my first Christmas there.

Shytown.

Yeah, and like, but like John Hughes vibes.

Like, uh,

I can't find it, but it's the episode where they go to Lake Forest and they go to fucking Thomas Edison's museum, the Thomas Edison Museum, and the tour guide is like, here's a question for you, folks.

How many geniuses does it take to invent a light bulb?

Just one, Thomas Edison.

And then the crowd's like, oh,

and then, you know, like with the banter or whatever, some lady goes, it's funny.

And it's true, too.

It's funny, Andrew.

It's funny.

And it's true, too.

I used to love that shit with the, where they would do, like, crowd reactions.

The crowd reactions are great.

Slide like some dumb lines in there.

Oh, yeah, he's doing the finger thing.

Finger thing.

Oh, fuck, dude.

R.I.P.

Even though it's still going.

My dick.

I watched a clip from Cats the other day.

So I was trying to, like, Jeffrey Epstein kind of looks like one of the cats' cats.

So I

made some dumb joke about it, but I've never seen cats.

I just remember.

Do you remember the fucking like infomercials they had?

Or like the advert, the commercials they had for the cats, the film version of the cats musical that used to be on TV?

I do not.

They used to play them all the time.

It was like, you know, call now and you can get, you know, whatever.

It was for like PBS if you donate or something.

And they would just play an excerpt from the magical Mr.

Mistopheles song.

So that's the only thing I ever knew about cats was that there was a character named the Magical Mr.

Mistopheles.

I actually knew that.

So maybe in my subconscious, I know about this commercial.

So I watched the clip of that song.

And good lord, just fucking...

Of all the theaters that have been shot up,

none of them have vented cats.

Dude, I wanted to see Cats Live.

I kept trying to get you guys to go to Broadway with me.

It's awful.

That's why I wanted to see it.

It's fucking awful.

I love things that are.

Yeah, weren't we going to take Molly?

We're going to take mushrooms.

It's fucking, it is awful.

But only people that love it.

It really just pissed me off watching it.

I would go see a Broadway musical.

Just the boys.

Yeah.

It's funny.

It's weird.

I've never been to one.

It's weird because if I, if, if, like, you, like, I really think about it, it does bother me on a visceral level.

And it's weird because I'm sure, and this is just going to sound

gay in a different way.

Yeah, no, it is.

It's literally probably like just some kind of like homophobia.

It's that it's so fucking gay, it bothers me.

But it's like, if I just saw two gay guys like fucking fucking each other holding hands i would be like okay that's honestly good hard that's honest gayness well there's just

something about cats that just fucking pisses me but it's not even made by a gay and i don't even it's it's weird it's andrew lloyd weber he's not gay that guy's definitely gay dude he wrote too many musicals to be straight i'm gonna i'm gonna play this clip yeah and let's see if you don't i don't know what it is because it's insane to me because i don't think that i'm like i'm homophobic in the sense that i make gay jokes all the time but i'm not homophobic in the sense that I have a problem with gay people or that anything they do bothers me except when they do the musical cats.

Yep.

And I don't know.

Dude, you're telling me this guy's face is not this is not the face of a homophobia.

No, he was married to that lady that was in his place, Sarah.

Something.

Come on, dude.

Are you fucking joking?

Yeah, well, just don't judge a book.

Don't judge a book by its cover, Sauv.

No, that's a man that likes getting fucked in the ass.

No, that's a man.

There's something wrong with that.

That's a man.

I mean, he's in the theater.

Maybe he does it all, you know?

Yeah, that's true.

Maybe he's by.

Well, it starts off, and there's a gay cat, like, fucking like, ooh, who's ready for some magic?

And it's already terrible.

And then they bring out the magical Mr.

Mistopoulos, who's somehow even gayer than the first guy.

Look at that.

Look, there's cats, and they're like kissing each other.

They're having simulated cat sex.

Are they singing that song Midnight from Cats is a good song?

I don't know, man.

There's something about his face.

You ought to ask magical Mr.

Mistopheles, the original conjuring cat.

There can be no doubt about that.

Please,

listen to me.

Okay.

And don't scoff.

All his inventions are off his own bat.

Nice.

There's no such cat in the metropolis.

He holds all the paint and monopolies for performing surprising illusions.

What's the game about this?

This is not Mr.

Mistophiles.

He's reintroducing Mr.

Mistophiles.

This is pretty straight to me so far.

This is cool.

And we all say,

oh, well, I never was there ever.

Dude, I'm vibing with this dress.

This song is good.

We should have seen cats on Broadway, dude.

He's quiet.

He's

black.

Wait, through a widescreen.

Through the

landscape.

Turn your phone.

It doesn't unless you blow it up.

Damn, I'm going to go watch that.

You know, Andy's a magician.

It's not enough that he's a fucking cat.

He's got to be a magician.

Well, that's what this play is about.

It's about cats with jobs and stuff, right?

It's like a town

full of cats.

I thought he had like a...

I thought he was about the head of the cat.

He had like...

It's wrong.

It's wrong for cats to do magic.

I'll be watching.

It's against God.

I'll be watching Rent.

Well, you guys

watch it.

Rent fucking sucks, dude.

Rent is not a...

Cats is a lot cooler.

You're getting a face time.

That sucks.

There's something to...

I was vibing with that, dude.

That song rocked.

I want to go see that shit, dude.

Now, that's the thing that would bother me as a kid.

It's embarrassing.

It's fucking embarrassing.

Yeah.

It is.

Why is it embarrassing?

Nick is corny.

First of all, we know what it is.

I'm not sure.

This is how Nick gets it.

I've seen Nick get like this only once before, and it was about Billie Elish.

About how you're like, she fucking sucks.

No, he didn't get like this.

No, you got mad at it.

First of all, I don't think Billie Eilish sucks.

I didn't get mad at it.

I mean, not that she sucks.

It's like

there's nothing indistinct, like, to distinguish Billie Eilish's music.

I don't understand why it's like super popular.

Super popular, right?

It's completely different.

But yeah, I don't, no, this sucks.

It's like one of those things where if I saw it as a kid, I would be like, just stop, like, stop.

I'm embarrassed.

You know what I mean?

You know, you still watch.

I don't know what you mean.

You'd watch TV and you would see somebody do something like fucking like, I'm going to, I'm going to, like, like, prove, I'm going to like ask like Marianne out in front of the whole school, and you're like, just stop.

Just stop, don't, don't, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know what you're saying.

you know what I mean?

That, whatever that feeling was, you get like second half, it's literally, I mean, this word has been ruined by the internet, but it's cringing, it is, it's fucking cringe word, yeah, yeah,

oh, yeah, I get that a lot.

I'm, I'm like, I'm nervous for someone,

but that, not, I didn't get that at all from the Mr.

Mistopheles clip.

What I got was wonder and merriment, and honestly, I was interested to see Mr.

Mistopheles.

I kind of want to see him.

Can we see him?

Can you finish playing that song?

Yeah, we'll watch this.

Let's watch the rest of this and then we'll say Merry Christmas.

No, this is going to end with us watching the entire music all day.

I kind of want to see what happens.

It's gay, right?

Let's watch it again.

I know one song from Katz that's very good.

Yeah.

He's equally cunning with dice.

He's always deceiving you.

Dude, Mr.

Establish is so cool.

You don't know that.

He's introing, Mr.

Point.

That's what I mean.

That's how someone.

Yes, that's cool.

That's Rum Tum Tugger.

Rum Tum Tugger is pretty cool.

And that's how cool Mr.

Mestopolis, dude.

I'm about to go home and watch

touching his ball.

I want to see him.

Cats do that.

They lick their jelly.

He really is.

Let's see him.

Curious.

That's it.

Hell yes, dude.

Hell yes, dude.

Yes, this motherfucker's got a light up.

Oh, shit.

Wow, he does lightning, bro.

Okay, I see what you mean.

This is incredibly homosexual right now, yes.

But in a good way.

Oh, my man has lightning.

This is what being gay is.

Don't sign me up, bro.

Dude, I fuck with Mr.

Mystophiles.

What the fuck?

He's a superhero.

He got lightning, dude.

So he doesn't even sing his own song.

No, this other guy sings his song while he dances around like that.

Does he ever sing?

Damn, we really should have seen this song.

I told you, dude, I wanted to see Cat.

Dude, hell yeah.

That's a power move.

You don't speak.

You just have a fucking guy that sings for you.

He probably sucks your dick also.

He probably gets head for one thumb toggle.

He's kissed.

He makes a rainbow.

No, it's a ribbon dance.

Yeah, a rainbow ribbon.

I love him, dude.

It's cool.

That's like a cat.

No, you can't print any of these cats.

They're not real cats.

I was hoping Mr.

Mistophiles was fat.

What if I started doing that?

That was going to be you.

I was hoping it was a fat cat.

M-I-S-T-O-U-F-L-O-U-S.

Gideos Mistophiles.

Didn't we do that riff on a live show, actually?

That was good, whatever it was.

Mistophiles.

We should have kept recording those, man.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Anyway, folks, that's Christmas.

That's the Christmas episode.

We pulled our nuts out.

We all pulled our nuts out.

Maybe we should, on principle, go see cats.

Yes.

The movie?

I'm so down.

You know what?

I could go tonight.

I told you, I'm making latkes.

I invited both of you.

Shut up.

We could go.

Shut up about your latkes.

I thought it would be fun.

Go see Katz, and then we'll go to Veselka and get potato pancakes.

I'm trying to do all the holidays.

I'm doing Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa.

You do.

I'm mad, I didn't think about it until afterwards, but the Jersey City shooting to be like, wow, I guess some people do celebrate Kwan's anyway.

Come on, bro.

Well, I didn't know people actually celebrated Kwan.

I'm actually.

Shouldn't we get checking the cats on Thursday?

I'm actually on Thursday.

I'm down.

Before we record.

Yeah, that sounds great.

We could do a full cats episode for the Patreon.

I just want to say that I'm going to be trying to squash this beef between the black Israelites and the Orthodox Jews.

Nice.

Yeah, you're the guy to do that.

Yep,

we're going to have a hip-hop summit.

Paint when I was a kid.

We're gonna be having a hip-hop summit.

The Orthodox Jews, the Black Israelites,

you're gonna play them your beats, and it's just like, it's like, Adam isn't gay.

No, I have like a prepared motivational speech that I do at like community colleges, elementary schools about how I grew up in rough circumstances, did every drug, sucked every dick, and now I got my life together.

It was wild when they brought those guys on dick beat, and they just paraded those guys in front of you and like, don't end up like these guys.

Don't end up living.

No, but now he's okay.

So listen, you don't want to be like him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, come sit.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

The next funny moms is what?

The

next month?

Yeah.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry.

The 13th.

The next Fat Tuesdays is on the 7th.

And like I said, I'm all over the place.

Milwaukee, Appleton, Chicago, Providence,

Texas, fucking D.C.

Draft House, Tucson, and then London and fucking Dublin, and all those tickets are on sale.

Stopvi.biz.

Yes, dude.

Take us out, Mr.

Mephistopheles.

Yo, yeah, let's hear behind the scenes.

I want to hear what these people sound like.

No, I want to hear Mr.

Mephistopheles thing.

Nick loves it.

Damn, dude.

You love cats.

Let's go see it on Thursday.

Is it anywhere on Broadway?

I want to see it on Broadway.

Yeah, the movie probably.

The movie probably regular sucks.

Yeah.

That's true.

It's probably way better to see it in Broadway.

All right, folks.

All right, bye.

See ya.