Ep. 186 – Give me one reason to stay here

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Chick, chick.

Yeah, little

pussy eating festival.

You know what I'm saying?

That should be someone.

Pussy eating lick.

Getting the pussy suck.

You know I love pussy suck on the pussy.

Pussy suck, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.

Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.

Sample that, dude.

Sample that, sample that.

Pussy, pussy, pussy.

Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy in the

drive up in the Cadillac.

Tell them 67 pussy.

Count him.

I love the 67 pussy.

Count all the ways that you could get the pussy.

One, take it, two, gunpoint.

This sounds a little too loud.

My phones are really loud.

Can you turn them down a little bit?

Turn me down.

Quit being a baby.

Turn me down.

Do not call me a baby on music in public, please.

Can maybe you not be a baby bitch?

Stop it, please.

Can you maybe not?

It hurts my ears.

Can you not be a baby bitch?

A baby who is a bitch.

A little baby faggot.

Welcome back to the Bitch Baby podcast.

I forgot to, I was trying to get new sounds, but I'm going to have to take a weekend to really think about it.

Don't worry about it, man.

Well, you're going to have to cut the tape, you know?

Yeah.

I mean,

the way these things work is I have the best ideas first.

Of course.

That's my style.

He run out out of steam, and then I know it's done.

Yeah, it's done.

Yeah, I'm finished.

I'm finished.

Yeah, I'm all done.

I've come up with the best ideas.

I found the thing of Obama saying the N-word.

I've already recorded Obama saying the N-word.

I suck your penis.

I suck it off.

I sucked your penis off.

I suck your penis.

I sucked your penis off.

I suck it off.

Yeah, so something like that.

That would be good.

That would be good.

I suck your penis.

There will be blood guy.

Yeah.

There will be jit.

There will be head.

There will be head.

Now there's a movie.

Now that's what I like to call it.

What was that said?

Now you're cooking with blast.

Oh, yeah.

That movie was set in when, in the 1800s?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like late 1800s.

Who do you think the hottest woman in the world was at the time?

In the 1800s?

Yeah.

Marilyn Monroe.

Who's the Cleopatra probably?

Yeah.

Martha Washington.

Bad Egyptian pussy.

Yeah, Cleopatra, or maybe

one of the biggest.

John Quincy Adams.

John Quincy Adams was ugly, and his bitch was ugly.

He had an ugly bitch?

She looked just like him.

He was the president, dude.

Yeah, he was on the final ugly.

There was a whole category on Jeopardy the other week.

How ugly his bitch was?

Yeah.

Blursed ladies.

And you should.

The worst ladies.

That's what I'm saying.

The blursed ladies.

Yeah, worst ladies was the category.

Where

we rank the first ladies by how ugly they are.

Who's the ugliest?

Noted pig.

Eleanor Roosevelt.

That's right.

Eleanor Roosevelt.

Adam, you have the board?

Thank you.

I'll take worst ladies for 200.

Ugly.

Hold on.

I'm going to look this up.

This first lady.

Literally, all I searched was ugly.

It said the smell of this woman's pussy was what.

they it said that the St.

Louis Arch was originally held open by her giant ugly pussy.

Who is Hillary Rodham Clinton?

That's correct.

Back to you.

I'll take it for 300 worst women.

Yeah, I think it goes 200, 400.

400.

Well, you can just choose, right?

Huh?

Eleanor Roosevelt, when she was young, didn't look so bad.

Not great.

No, she looked nasty.

You know what?

Ladybird Johnson looks like she could dick.

Ladybird Johnson's my favorite one, dude.

For sure.

She made DC bloom.

She planted flowers everywhere, and her pussy was the best pussy in Texas.

Well, you've heard.

Have you seen that?

Sorry, we were looking for Janice Taylor Thomas.

Have you seen that quote?

Oh, I should get the Jeopardy noises on you.

Yes.

Yeah, the LBJ quote about how leggings or stockings ruined finger fucking.

He's been recorded as talking about how stockings are fucking fucking fucking fucking.

Everyone knows he's the coolest.

He had a huge dick, too.

Big L penis, dude.

Yeah, big old penis.

He had to get his pants specially made because his cock would bulge too much.

So sick.

He had to go to the pants store for that.

No, I heard a recording of him ordering pants.

Yeah.

And I think that's when he mentions the thing we're looking.

We're casual male XL comes in.

Yeah, it was about Lyndon Johnson's cock.

Yeah.

And then it got, but then the market for huge cocked people wasn't that big.

I have to get my phone out of the other room.

Okay.

Because there's important information on there.

Oh, yeah, I've heard about that.

Info.

You better get it, dude.

Regarding

information that can lead to the arrest of Donald J.

Trump.

Donald John Trump?

Donald John Trump.

Fuck.

Dude, Keith Olman calling him Donald John Trump.

Yeah.

What a loser.

Like, who gives a shit?

Come on, man.

Sports Center used to be so good.

Why did you have to do this, Keith?

It's like you, let's say, Hussein Obama thing.

Hussein Obama.

His middle name means bathroom.

Yeah, it's going to be so funny when Trump wins again.

I can't wait.

They're gonna fuck over Bernie again.

100%.

They already are.

Yeah.

He's an anti-Semite now.

That is.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

Dude, nothing means anything.

We are fucked.

Truly, there's no way to do anything.

You can even, like, they're calling him an anti-Semite.

Like, we're fucked.

Yeah.

Every other candidate has

way more fucking dog shit baggage on them.

Absolutely.

And it's even in that, like, there could be a video.

There'll probably be a video next week of fucking Elizabeth Warren being like, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's kikes.

It's all of these kikes coming into the TP, kiking it up with all of their money and their bagels.

My Aunt B used to come in and she said, look, we're kike hating Indians.

And we hate.

There's one thing.

Woo-hoo-hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey,

I hate Jews now.

I hate Jews now.

There's too many Jews

in this neighborhood.

Yeah.

And there there would still be

people.

Why Bernie Sanders is

real anti-Semitic.

Don't let this.

You think Elizabeth Warren's bad?

Watch this clip of Bernie Sanders.

You know, and he's like, medic Jew

Jew

Jewish.

Fuck Jewish.

You're like, wow, can you believe that?

Undoctor.

It's through the years.

He has different hair in the middle of it.

But it's just a clip of Larry David.

Him saying the N-word on curve twice?

Watch this clip of Bernie Sanders, and it's Larry David looking at a black person.

It's still image, and it just goes...

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Straight from the mouth.

Or they just do the Jimmy Kimmel, like, unnecessary censorship on a thing he says.

Yeah.

You just do the trick you've been doing.

Anyway.

Yeah, no, he's going to lose.

We're fucked.

I'm back to thinking we're fucked, unfortunately.

Yeah, we should all move to Athens, bro.

First of all, I'm moving to Athens.

Silence!

You can't take my escape plan.

I thought we were gonna get a fishing boat.

Are we?

Yeah, we're gonna be simple fishermen.

I'm gonna be...

What the fuck?

Why can't I come, bro?

You go to Israel, dude.

We all go back to the world.

I want to go there.

It's a crap place.

You go to Israel.

Nick goes to Ireland.

I go to Greece.

What if China just nuked Israel?

How funny would that be?

That would be funny.

That would be really funny.

I must admit, that would be funny.

That would be difficult for me because

I wouldn't want to damage my chances of getting pussy from what Jews do on Christmas after that.

What do you mean?

Well, you couldn't eat Chinese food anymore.

Oh, my God, we'd starve.

You know what I'm saying?

That would ruin a tradition.

I love how Jewish people pretend like they invented Chinese food.

I know.

We did.

General Tsu was a Jew.

Yeah.

You know, as Christian families, we would sit around and just listen to rap music on Hanukkah.

It was something that us Christian families came up with.

Yeah.

I do, I'm hoping my little brother has to work.

Chinese guys are like, yo, okay, fuck Hanukkah.

Okay.

Okay, Hanukkah, sock my dick.

I really hope my family's busy on Christmas so I can stay here and do the Jewish Christmas.

I will adopt you to do Jewish Christmas

dumplings.

Mission Chinese.

No, that's that.

Either we get Second Avenue Deli or Dim Sum on Christmas morning.

Yeah.

And then I'm not getting any power.

I I go to Wohop.

I go to Wohop.

How about this?

We release you in the financial district and I hunt you down with a crossbow.

Oh, the most the deadliest game.

In Fi-Dai, dude.

Yeah.

The most dangerous game.

Right.

And you'll be in your natural environment.

Yeah,

you have all the advantages when it comes to terrain.

And then I'm in the financial district.

I know where all the hunter enters the jungle.

I know where all the stock tickers are,

all the obstacles.

The traps.

The police are just like

having a regular Jewish Christmas there, are you?

Carry on, mate.

Yeah, the Australian police or the regular police are all for Christmas.

Yeah, the regular police are off duty for Christmas.

Idiots because they don't have

Christmas in Australia.

It's the other day.

It's

later, yeah.

They all end

six months later because it's all fly here to stand in for the New York City Police Department.

I know that.

It was a handshake.

Are you questioning my authority?

You fucking asshole.

Someone told me that the...

We don't feel that bad about the Holocaust.

You're lucky it's Christmas, otherwise I'd tell that crossbow fella where you at.

Someone told me the reason there's so many Australians in New York is because Bush gave them an agreeable visa program after they supported his war in Iraq.

Yes, that's true.

That sounds about right.

So they can come and just do Molly for you.

I think that's over now.

Is it done?

Yeah.

Kick him out.

Now we're all going to Thailand.

Now we're going to have sex with boys.

We're putting all the Australians on little St.

James Island.

We're reclaiming it for the Queen.

It'd be funny if in like 400 years, it's just like a that's like Little St.

James Island is an international economy.

It's a whole nation.

It's our own culture.

As a curse.

Yeah, a lot of people don't know.

This used to be a pedophile island.

This is where they sent all the pedophiles.

The petties.

And now we've got our own

culture.

Everybody's still

our own type of people that we oppressed.

Yeah, we've got, you know, we all still wear children's pants as a homage.

As a tribute, as a tribute to the pedophiles, to the cheeky

pedo

that founded the place.

Yeah.

The freaking cheeky pedos.

Those cheeky pedos.

Cheeky pedos.

It's my bloody dad's Google history.

What is eight-year-old being raped?

Now, that is a good sketch.

Yeah.

Just she says.

It's my bloody dad's Google history.

Oh, that's.

Choddler getting fucked.

No, I think your dad should be in jail, baby.

Not in Little St.

James.

Not in Laws Lames.

I don't know.

What would they call his nickname?

Saintie?

Yeah.

Sainty.

Little Saint.

Nothing I love about it.

Jamie.

Saint Jamie's.

And giving a little suck-aloo to a tortz dangler

down here on Little St.

James Island.

That's to make everybody sound so cute.

Yeah.

Giving a little suckerino to

a baby.

I'd love to sack a boy's penis.

Little baby's pee-pee nozzle.

Peace nozzle.

And if you like these jokes, we'll be in Australia in April.

It'll be in Australia.

I think so.

Josh hasn't responded to our channel.

He did.

Oh, he did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He was sick.

Did I miss it?

Yeah, you probably have barbecue sauce on the screen.

You got sick.

I did.

I was in Texas.

There's just a third of my screen that's covered in barbecue sauce.

I can't read this email.

It's covered in barbecue sauce.

Yeah,

you said a dirty

unprofessional email is covered in chocolate and barbecue sauce.

And I'm thinking of a woman's breasts while I'm reading it also.

I think that might be a screen.

Stop, I think that might be.

Fuck you, man.

Shut up.

You know what?

Shut up.

Josh.

Josh.

If that is your real name.

Just because you're some New Zealander

Who knows a lot about drifting?

I love to get my penis sacked.

Does Josh know how to drift?

Yeah,

that's what he does when he's not booking Tokyo Drifter.

He's a drifter.

Last time I saw him, he's like, I wonder if you know how they live in Tokyo.

Drift, drift, drift, drift, drift.

Yay, man.

Nothing.

Those are the words, Star.

Those are the words for the song.

That is the official.

That's so good.

Japanese people are like,

why are they censoring?

Why are they censoring?

It's a theme song for an anime.

That one got me good, brother.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, freaking, yeah.

Yeah.

If you can suck a dick, you can eat my ass.

I was just in the fucking Texas.

Deep in the heart of Texas, bro.

You know what they say?

They only got two things in Texas.

What's that?

Faggots and horses.

I think it's different.

No, that's literally.

That's what it is.

I thought it's steers and queers.

What do you think that means?

A steer is a bull.

It's a horse of some sort.

Look, I know what the other one is.

It's a cow or or a bull or something.

I don't know.

Dude, fucking.

I had a fucking big-ass steak, a dry-aged Texas piece of meat.

Uh-huh.

Delicioso.

One more cut.

Where'd you stop?

It was called.

Well, I went to Truth Barbecue.

That was the second day.

Whoop, whoop.

That shit was awesome.

Truth, where's that?

Paul Pierce.

It's between, it is between.

It's a Paul Pierce-themed barbecue restaurant.

It's between Houston and Austin.

It was good as hell.

This is a lot of shit every day.

I kind of like Houston.

You were saying it's trash.

I fuck with you.

Yeah, Houston's boring i liked it houston's like if so la sucks and houston's like what if texas had so in la yeah yeah but they got they listen i went i did hot yoga with this lady named candice she was

i feel like every the only people that i believe that are queer are yoga instructors you think they're queer there are women that exist on not even women i believe they're very they're real they thems you know what i'm saying they're just like they're just on the the the cusp of gender

they're just short-haired ladies.

You guys are like this.

I was in Chinatown the other night, and there was a group of eight Chinese teenagers.

Go on.

And they probably lived in Chinatown.

So they were calling each other the N-word.

Of course.

We live in Chinatown.

But one of them, I just walked by, well, one of them goes,

yeah, yeah, man.

I'm fitting it.

And he didn't say man.

He said the N-word.

He goes, he goes, yeah, I'm fitting to fuck with some Chinese food.

He said that about.

They're all trying to decide what to eat in Chinatown.

There's a group of Chinese people from Chinatown.

And one of them said they're fitting the fuck with Chinese food.

Where you're like, excuse me, you can just call it food.

Don't you mean new Chinese food?

Well, it's like, what?

Okay.

Yeah, sure.

Go off.

Respect to them, dude.

Go off.

Respect to, you know?

Go off.

A generation brought up on aquafina.

I went.

Is being racist?

Can you say ching?

If I say go off, ching.

That's probably racist.

I don't still love that.

If I don't put chong at the end, it's no, I don't think

that that counts as racism.

I think it is actually definitely racist.

There's a little Japanese woman dropping and bombing.

I went to Jewish.

Well, half their words sound like curse words.

It's true.

I went to Montreal song.

What were you singing?

I went to a Montreal-style Jewish deli to remind me of our time back in Canada.

Of course.

And it was banging.

Where?

It was by the movie theater where I saw gems last night.

Or yesterday during the day.

Interesting.

Which also went hard.

Yeah, don't say anything else.

I don't know how to kill you.

Well, I already sang you the song from it.

Yeah.

Where I'm saying I was like,

I've got too many jewels.

I love selling gems.

Look at my jewels.

Look at my sparkles.

I'm going to sell these two black people.

I've got a Nightingale movie.

What's that?

By the director, the Babadook.

That bitch.

No.

No.

A lady.

A Sheila director?

A Sheila.

Yeah, the Lighting.

Freaking Sheila.

Letting Kant smite

pictorinos now for freaking cunt.

No, cunt means everything to them.

Yeah, that's true.

What's

slaught?

What's cunt in Australian?

Like for a dumb bit.

Foster's.

Foster's Australian for Kant.

Let me break open your Fauster.

Let me bust that Faustus open for me.

They get mad.

They get mad.

And there's a picture of an Aboriginal guy, and he's just sitting there, and they go,

Faustus.

Australian for beer.

It's just them saying a slur.

That's very good.

Faustus, Australian for.

And then another beep.

Yeah, yeah.

Australia's

for.

I love this button, dude.

I can't wait.

I can't wait to go to Australia.

This button is my favorite thing in the world.

Oh, yeah.

It brings me so much joy.

Having a beep at

your discretion is incredible.

Yeah, it's fun.

It's made the show funny.

Damn, I'm already thinking about getting Greek food at that place in Melbourne again.

Oh, the Salactites.

Yeah, dude.

That place was banging.

That place banged.

Hopefully,

none of us die before that.

I don't think we'll die.

We have to have that meal.

It is the prophecy.

We'll make it to April.

The prophecy.

We'll make it to April at least.

One of the three would have gay sex.

Well, thank you, Adam.

Thanks for

taking that one out off our hands.

The gay, the one.

You are the one.

Gay sex will also die.

Oh,

no.

That sucks.

I thought I had to fulfill the prophecy.

But you did verbally agree, so.

Well, I got to do it for my boys.

How about a movie called Vaginal Destination?

Vaginal?

Yeah, vaginal destination.

Okay, vaginal.

And,

you know, I don't know.

Was it Devin Sawa?

Who the fuck is in that movie?

I fucking fucking know.

But he's like, Yeah, I I think that's what I'm saying.

He's like, I had a nightmare that you got a sex change.

And he's like, no way, bro.

I'm not going to do it.

And then it's like, the sex ghost knows that you were supposed to have your gender, you were supposed to have your penis cut off and turned into a vagina.

And now it's going to cut your dick off any way it can.

Oh, there's a plane got redirected to a sex operation.

Wait, what's Final Destination?

It's the media.

You cheat Dad.

He keeps cheating, Dad.

Yeah, the kid.

And then so the

Devin Sawa.

It's not him.

It's probably someone else.

The angel of Dev is trying to kill him.

What?

Who's Devin Sawawa?

It's some 90s.

Yeah, he was like a

90s.

Freddie Prince Jr.

style.

So Devin Sawa.

I don't know.

It's not.

Yeah, Devin Saw Woman sucking his own dick.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

I saw really.

Yes.

Yes.

So what?

He cheats.

I'm familiar with the commercials and like a log crashing through a car.

Yeah.

That sort of thing.

But what?

The devil is against him or something?

So it's about

chasing him?

Well, here's the deal.

Yeah.

He's on a class trip somewhere, and they all get on the plane.

It's actually the movie's tight.

I might watch it tonight.

Okay.

Yeah.

They get on a plane, and there's a million of them.

So you can watch that instead of getting a job or

getting married or having kids.

Doing whatever your wife tells you to do.

Yeah.

The real final destination is turning 37 years old and you're like, shit, I'm going to get high and watch stuff I rented from Blockbuster two decades ago and my life has not changed at all.

I mean, it has substantially, but I don't care.

Nothing won't, and then we're all going to die.

Yeah, so they're like, they're going on a class trip and the plane blows up.

Oh, shit.

And fucking, he's like screaming as the plane blows up.

And he wakes up and he's just in the, like, by the gate.

He fell asleep before they got on the plane.

And his friends are like, what's wrong?

He's like, I just fucking like, the plane fucking blew up.

We can't get on the plane, we can't get on the fucking plane.

I just had this like nightmare or whatever, and then like they just pull him off the plane, like they don't let him, him and like his seven friends or whatever because he's freaking out.

And then they see the plane blow up after it takes off.

It's a cool shot, too.

You see the plane blow up, and then all the windows blow up,

which I don't know if that would happen.

Who cares?

It's tight.

In fact, I don't even know if that's what happened in the movie.

It could be that the plane just blew up and the windows don't blow out, but anyways, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

So he has

in my shot-for-shot remake

where it's not actually, it's all from memory.

Yeah, that would be cool.

Yeah, we should do a shot-for-shot remake of a movie we've only seen like a couple times.

I've said that.

They should let Stephen Seagal do a shot-for-shot remake of all the John Wick movies for memory.

Just his.

And then John Wick meets the Dalai Lama, and the Dalai Lama says to him, You are more of a Buddha than I am.

But John is humble, he's a humble spirit, so he says, no, Dalai Lama.

Maybe

we're the same, and I'm only slightly better than you.

All things are equal because we are all one.

I'm just, I'm the biggest one.

You're the better bro.

I'm the top.

If you imagine the number one, I'm the nose part at the top, the little flag.

And you're the bottom, the feet.

It's not even necessary.

But we're both number one.

We're both number one, but you're the little nose.

I'm the nose flag, and you're the part you can leave off, and people still know it's a one.

or maybe it becomes a seven, which is an even bigger number.

Yep, I would love to watch that movie.

Yeah, so this man has a dream.

You can just hear people whispering while they're filming.

He's in a motorized wheelchair.

His problem is, you killed my dog.

And then it's just people being like, oh, oh,

just falling on the ground.

He doesn't move at all.

He just slowly

rolls over them.

And they like fall, they tumble.

Right, in one of those, like, those motorized shopping carts from Giant.

Dude, honestly.

It's just, it says Giant on there.

He stole it.

He just left the grocery store that fucking thing.

I'd love to watch a movie where it's John Wick, but he's a paraplegian.

He's just got a wheelchair with guns and shit on it.

That would be awesome.

You know what they said about Russians?

What's that?

I agree.

Anyway,

I saw this trailer for a movie called Adam.

Hold on, I want to see what happened to the rest of the movie.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

The guy has a dream.

Go ahead, Adam.

I want to know what happened.

No, I interrupted.

Whoa.

Adam.

Yeah.

I interrupted.

Oh, that was rude of him.

That's fucked up that you said that about Adam.

No, keep telling him.

I want to tell you about this trailer, though.

I want to know about what happened in Final Destination.

Oh,

he's got a dream.

So he had the dream.

Like Martin Luther King.

Yeah.

You might see.

He's like, I had a dream that there was integration.

He's like, we got to get off this spot.

We got to get off this point.

We got to integrate America peacefully.

It's a racist final destination.

Yeah.

So

Jeffrey Epstein,

he has a plane.

He's like, I want you to come to my island.

Why don't they come over here?

I haven't been doing it, but it's been fun.

There's a lot of people.

You know, it grew out of the Corbin anti-Semitism, but then

adding that the black Hebrew-Israelite shooting,

which Bernie planned, planned.

Bernie planned.

He was like, you Jacubian devils are going down.

Right.

But there's plenty of, like, right-wing Jewish people on social media now.

They're using the black Hebrew-Israelite thing to be like, this this is genocide.

Hell yeah.

They're doing it again.

That's awesome, really.

And you would you just reply to them and you're like, look,

those just happen to be Jewish victims.

Just like Epstein happened to be Jewish and

Harvey Winston happened to be Jewish.

Jewish.

Shut up, bro.

Yeah.

Shut up.

No, they just happen to be Jewish.

And your best friend, your best friend Adam also.

And members of your family.

Most of your family.

Sorry, I didn't say...

You didn't cut my mic.

I'm saying, say best friend again.

Your best friend.

That's right.

Alright, so I saw a trailer for a movie called Adam.

So how does it end, though?

Does he get away from death?

Oh, sorry.

I didn't realize he wasn't.

I should start taunting people on Twitter more.

I'm not doing enough taunting.

Yeah, I would say.

Yeah, you used to be the king, Nick.

Of taunting.

Yeah.

You used to taunting.

Of being rude.

People have taught you the best.

Everyone has me blocked now.

At this point, like, there's not.

I mean, that well is

dry.

You know what I mean?

I've mined all the gold.

Yeah, someone has drank your milkshake.

You drank your own milkshake.

I drank my own milkshake.

You honestly did.

Have you ever drank your own cups?

So, does Devin Sawell win?

Does he beat death?

Yeah, because then there's Final Destination 2.

He goes all the way to seven.

Yeah.

Does he survive ultimately?

No, he gets breast cancer.

He does of natural causes.

But it's not from the.

That's why that movie makes no sense.

It's like if you're afraid to die and you miss the airplane thing, death would just be like, I guess, brain tumor.

Yeah, exactly.

I guess that's the easiest.

You can't

Goldberg machine, like a cigarette burning a fucking obstacle course.

But that movie is

les sick.

Les Epic Cool.

I hope that you get Le Raped.

If I'm speaking frankly.

Okay.

Was that where that comes from?

Frank.

Let me be frank.

It's like Frankish.

Frankish Frankish.

Like Franconian.

Who's Franconian?

Like the Franks.

Oh.

Like the Norman Franks.

No, of course not.

Frank Norman.

Why would it come from that?

It's weird that that was a race.

It won't Franks Franks.

Yeah, yeah.

It was a bunch of Frank Kelly.

Yeah, the Franks and Franco, Anglo-Francos.

It was just like two groups of people that owned used car dealerships.

Yeah,

we're the Normans.

And these are the Franks.

And that's all the motherfuckers that mixed up and made England and France, right?

Yeah.

They all fought.

And they all just talked completely different languages at the time.

Yeah, they were like.

Okay,

stop.

I watched this movie trailer.

The movie is called Adam.

It's about a gay guy that has sex.

Listen, it stars the main character's name, Adam Friedman.

I swear to God,

he's like an awkward high school teenager.

Yeah.

Always wanted to meet the girl of his dreams, right?

So he visits his sister in New York where she's in the queer lesbian community.

And he goes out to queer bars with her, meets a lot of people, has fun, and then he meets the girl of his dreams.

But they really hit it off.

She's got a penis.

And then they're outside, and she's like, I've never actually hung out with a trans guy before.

And then he spends the movie pretending to be a trans male.

That's pretty funny.

In order to pursue.

To get pussy.

To get pussy.

And it's called the Adam story.

And the movie is the guy and the guy's.

main characters, they have Adam Friedman.

No, this is somebody fucking with me.

That's awesome.

No, it's a real movie called Adam.

Yeah.

And also, salute to that character.

I wonder if that character needs to take pills to make its dick hard.

Oh, yeah.

He's fucked up Lucas.

A couple of Blue Chews, which anybody who's a fan of this show knows about already.

I need some more.

I need to re-up.

They already, anybody cool, already went online to bluechew.com.

I know we got a lot of young listeners, 18 years old.

Younger.

Get on the pills.

You're 14.

Get in these cock pills get on lie now

say you're 18 get on them now i know we got a lot of fifth graders

your dick works perfectly fine shut up and take them you are what i want you to do is get some blue chews put on the show big mouth oh yeah get real hard jacking off yeah you get real hard and then pledge your allegiance to viacom

and

and uh i don't know fucking jp morgan yep the good guys the good guys yeah so these the way these pills work is you take one and your cock gets really hard.

It's like not being gay.

And it's like you're not gay for about 90 minutes.

Bluetooth.com.

It's like not being gay.

Yeah.

You can silence the intrigue.

I mean, you'll still have your gay thoughts, but you'll be able to stay hard while having sex with people.

Imagine enjoying fucking the way God did.

You won't enjoy it, to be clear.

The way you will be hard.

God intended.

God is real.

God is real.

He wants your dick to be hard.

Bluechew.com.

God is real.

Christian dick pills.

Ooh, that's what we need.

Christians only do not use these pills.

If you're Muslim.

Muslims are allowed because they also believe in God.

Okay.

So Abrahamian faith.

Only Jews, Christians, and Muslims are allowed to take these pills.

If you're Chinese, fuck you.

Get, yeah.

All right.

Damn, how long will we be into the episode before we drop that one?

I don't know.

If you're Chinese, suck my dick.

I'm getting ready to cycle.

Just kidding.

I'm getting ready to cycle that guy out.

Oh, what?

The riff?

Yeah.

I love the riff, man.

The riff, I feel like, has to stay.

We can do without the 808s.

Silence can come and go as a seasonal treat.

Yeah.

You know?

Maybe we need Marv Albert going something.

Yes.

Yes.

That would be a good one.

Yes.

Yes.

I'm wearing a brawn panties right now.

Yes.

Yes.

I was seeing if I could cycle in the.

For example, if someone was like, is Adam gay?

And then we hit the.

Yes.

That would be awesome.

If you like having sex, you're going to love Blue Chews.

Oh, yeah.

You really are.

That's right.

Honestly, we're all consume.

We're all customers.

Sometimes some of the products we tell you about.

We're all devoted.

You know, for example, does anybody have Bluetooth right now?

I'd like to take one.

It used to be hard.

Because listen, I've fucked.

I might have.

I have fucked recently both with and without a Bluetooth, and I got to tell you.

I've been trying to go in all natural soft.

No, you haven't.

As soft as possible.

Yeah, that's true.

Do you ever do a soft entry?

You go in soft and then you get hard.

And then you pray to God you're, yeah.

You evolve.

Have I done a soft entry?

Of course not.

The Darwin.

Yeah, you hope your dick just turns into like one of those sea monkeys, like, just add water to expand.

Well, you don't, it's because

you don't have now.

Now that's the old days.

science, you don't have to do that.

Because old days, I never enter soft.

I like a nice software.

I'm so hard.

I go in soft, then take the blue chew, and then see how long it takes to end.

Well, you're doing science.

I'm like, 15, 20 minutes, you know.

So I'm just softly kissing.

Oh, you're kissing?

I'm doing some kissing, saying, just, just you wait.

Just wait, babe, just you wait.

She's like, can we just wait?

And then I'm fully hard, and she's like, is it in yet?

Yeah.

And I'm like, yes.

You're like, fuck it.

You fucking bitch.

You fucking stupid.

You fucking slime.

This is as big as my cock.

My little baby.

My fucking slut.

My little baby slime.

My little baby slime.

And then you're like, oh, fuck.

Fuck me.

Oh, my cock.

My fucking cock.

And then I'm like, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Get out.

Get out.

I made a mistake.

Don't look at me.

Don't look at me.

I'm hideous.

I'm ugly.

I'm ugly.

Get out of my apartment.

Leave money alone.

You fucking bitch.

I fucking hate you.

You raped me.

Sony on bluechew.com if you want that normal experience.

It's not bad.

It makes me horny to do shit like that.

It's always so much of a struggle to figure out where this copy is in my phone.

We don't need the copy, man.

Dude, you know.

We know it in the back, like the back of our cocks.

Hey.

Do you think you know the back of your cock well?

I know the front pretty well.

What do you you mean, like the bottom, the stem?

I don't believe you know any part of your dicks.

I know my cock very well.

Thank you very much.

Through a system of mirrors.

No.

Like when they enter that

temple and national treasure.

I've never seen

that.

All the mirrors that have the...

I can imagine

what you're describing, and no, not like that.

Oh, my, it's Atlantis.

Intimately, and

personally, I know my penis, but I don't know the back of it that much.

You've never seen your penis.

Which I assume somebody who sucks my penis knows better than the front.

That's never happened.

I have gotten my penis sucked, and I have seen my penis.

You've never seen your penis.

I like taking pictures of the bottom side.

Oh, interesting.

And then kissing my phone screen so I can see it.

So you can give it a little kiss.

Maybe I'll try and take a picture of the bottom of my penis.

The little stem, the little I mean, if you like sex, you'll like

Blue Chew offers manipulator.

The dark side of my bedroom.

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It's cheaper than those other two.

Viagra and Cialis.

And it only takes a few minutes to fill out a form online.

Oh, yeah.

No doctor visit.

No awkward.

Bullshit.

The thing I hate about going to get pills at the doctor is the doctor makes you compare your penis with his.

I hate that, dude.

He's like, He's like, Come on, you can't even get hard.

Yeah, what do you fucking care?

He's so hard.

And you feel bad about yourself?

You know why?

Because I have all the pills.

Because I went to doctor school.

You want these, you fucking slut?

Yeah, I went to, I did 19 years in medical school, so I can prescribe myself anything I want.

I'm fucked up, and my dick is hard.

Fuck you.

Doctor style.

Yeah, and I would hate doing that because just telling, and then just like repeating that story at a town hall and Bernie Center is like,

yes, that sounds very bad.

There is, in general, a healthcare problem in this country.

And while there may be anecdotal versions of stories of specific issues that people have, in general, there is a problem that a lot of people are experiencing.

Yeah, but also the doctors are

taking all the dick pills for themselves, doctors are eating all the dick pills.

What about that redistributing dick pills, Bernard?

I'm a truck driver, and my penis is soft.

All across America, people like you are gonna have their penises hard.

Okay, uh, we just need you to be quiet so we can focus on the realistic.

I promise blue chew for everyone.

We need, we're talking.

The blue chew guys, nationalized blue chews.

Let's hear more about the black women

who need their hair medicine.

That's Bernie.

We're going to get any kind of medicine you need, it will be covered by M4A.

If you need trans medicine, you'll have your trans medicine.

The black women will have the hair medicine.

Chinese people will have math medicine.

Jewish people will have coins to eat.

Mexican people

will have

beans are a type of pill.

It'll be free.

And you can get free beans prescribed to you

if you come from a Latinx household.

Yeah, dude.

So that's the kind of thing for

Blue Chew for the fucking lads.

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The fellas will all get Blue Chew shipped directly to the door in discreet packaging.

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Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah.

So check it out.

I love what it does to my people.

We should actually get Blue Chew to pay us to make a television spot for them.

Like Stav and I in bathtubs next to a lake.

And our cocks pop out of the bag.

Our cocks pop out.

It's a bubble bath and then I take a blue chew and then at the end of the ad

you see the tip of our cocks and yeah but then when it's like all the side effects are being read we're like at a salsa dance class and we look really happy because we can get erections now yeah I'm gonna make a spot I'm gonna make a commercial for Blue Chew where I use

Apple motion to add erections to every character in the movie The Irishman.

It's a four-hour commercial for Blue Chew.

That's awesome.

So do you see their actual cocks or do you see their like the bulge through their pants?

Yeah.

Their penises are hanging out.

They're hanging out.

Hello.

This is Jimmy Hoffa.

Yes, my dick is hard.

I heard you get dicks hard.

Yes, I do.

I suck them myself.

I also suck the cocks.

I also suck on the cocks.

Yeah, a friend of ours, a union guy,

he's gay.

Yeah, he needs a little help.

You you know maybe you could help him out

he's gotta get his uh his cock hard yeah so uh there's a guy we know how does it special you had it the first time yeah there's a guy we know we're friends with him uh he needs help uh getting his penis hard

i could do that for him i could do that yeah that's something that i could do that is something i could take care of for you uh

irishman uh what is what's his fucking name

it's uh frank irish yeah no no no That's what they call him.

I know.

Hello, my friend.

Frank something.

You know,

when my penis isn't hard,

I get angry.

Same, same, brother.

Dude, I hate that.

I get real pissed.

I get real angry.

My fucking dick isn't hard.

Because Al Pacino struggling to do a Midwestern.

Yeah, he's from Detroit, right?

Yeah.

Hoffa.

Yeah.

There's one scene in the very beginning when he's on the phone.

The first scene with him, he's on the phone with fucking Daenery, and he's like, you know, they're trying to tear the union apart.

Yeah, he sounds like a pirate.

Really good, dude.

Dude, I love that movie.

I loved it, dude.

Yeah.

Salute to Pacino.

He was

from here.

He's from New York.

They're all from New York.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's awesome.

I think so.

You know, they're trying to fuck me in my ass.

Frank, I could

help.

I could do that.

I could stop them from fucking you in the ass, sir.

Yes.

I could fuck you on your ass if you wanted to.

If you wanted to be cool.

Yeah, a friend of ours.

Yeah, a friend of ours.

He needs that.

I don't think I can.

Now he's Jay Lennon.

Yeah, hey, Volk.

How do you know?

A friend of ours?

A friend of ours is getting fucked in the ass.

A friend of ours wanted to get fucked in the ass.

She about this, Volk?

Kevin Eubanks.

You know.

Getting fucked in my ass.

I don't know why I get fucked in my ass.

Every fucking time.

Every time.

Every freaking time.

I want to sit here and eat my fucking ice cream.

And you're going to come over and fuck me and my ass.

Just when I think I'm done getting fucked in the ass, they pull my penis out, start sucking it, and get me horny, and fuck me in the ass again.

What have they done to my beautiful ass?

Look how they massacred my beautiful ass.

They

Take his ass, leave his penis.

Take the canoes, leave the gun.

Don Vito.

Don Corleone.

They come into my store and they fuck me in my ass every day.

I just try to make a little bit of money, but every day they come into the store and bend me all that.

They fuck me in my ass.

And they're not.

You come to me on this.

The day of my daughter getting publicly fucked in her ass.

You know,

Frank.

This ain't like the war where you sh you gotta sh you gotta fuck him in the ass up close.

Yeah.

You get bang, you're from a hill.

You fuck him in the ass.

I could fuck you in the ass.

I could do that.

I could do that.

I could do that.

I could fuck you.

I could do that.

Yeah, a friend of ours really just wants to get fucked in his ass.

Mm-hmm.

The Piperishman.

Yeah.

The gay sex rushman?

The Guy Rishman.

The Guy Rishman.

That's good.

Yeah.

Damn.

None of those impressions were close.

No, they pretty old everywhere.

I think the De Niro is pretty good.

De Niro is good.

I can do that.

I could do that for you.

It's more in his face.

Your face is good.

You're doing the frown.

You want to meet me?

You want to come downstairs to the bedroom?

You want to come fuck me and my ass, Greg.

I have an asshole, Greg.

Can you fuck me?

Yeah.

Damn, this is an awesome podcast.

Yep.

Yes, pay for this.

You know,

when I meet the parents,

you know,

there's one thing I want to do.

It's I want to meet the parents.

Two grandma's boy.

Two grandma's boy.

Do it, dick.

When I smoke this week,

it makes me feel

like a grandma's boy.

God damn it.

Al Pacino just like smoke it.

Recash Grandma's Boy, but with Al Pacino in the role, dude.

What are you?

Some kind of fucking dickhead robot dicking around with your fucking computer.

I was out there.

Damn, I want to re-watch Grandma's Boy Book.

I literally re-watched it today with Brandon.

Today?

How about Al Pacific?

Al Pacinos.

Al Pacinas.

Al Pacinis.

I didn't want to be confused

with the actor Michael Pinis.

So I had to change my name to Al Pacinas.

Al Pacinas.

Damn dude.

I remembered that yesterday when I was driving, and I literally almost lost control of my car.

Yeah, I don't have the Patreon.

Just the Shannon Dodgery line.

I don't have the Patreon.

I literally would have re-listened to that part.

I'm gay actor Douglas Penis.

Hi, I'm gay actor.

Hi, I'm gay actor Penis Douglas.

I'm Penis Douglas, Frederick Douglass's son.

I'm Kirk Penis Douglas.

Kirk Penis Douglas?

I'm Penis Kirk Cunt.

I'm Penis.

That's right.

Hi, I'm Penis.

There it is.

Penis.

Hi, I'm Penis.

You may remember me from the movie The Game

in Fatal Attraction, where I play a man named David Penis,

who is seduced by the actress in a wonderful role, a magnificent role, played by the actress Glenn Penis.

By the actress Vagina Close.

Damn, Glenn Close.

Really not that hot in that movie.

Working with a scene partner is always interesting because you have to rely on the chemistry.

And Glenn I found to be disgusting.

Both in that she has a man's name

and she looks like damn, dude.

Glenn is truly a man's name, and she looks like a wet whippet.

I never even realized Glenn was a man's name.

Yeah, yes, Glenn.

It's because she's so busted.

You never notice it.

She looks, she's a cool-looking old lady now.

You know.

She looks like Michael Douglas.

She looks almost exactly like Michael.

Who did fuck?

Glenn close

for a million dollars.

All right.

Thank you very much, Al.

Thank you for

tuning in to Good Morning, America.

Al Pacino here.

Depromoting the Irishman.

You know, me and Marty were talking, and I wouldn't fuck Glenn Close

for a million bucks.

Just one of those generic presser junkies.

He brings it up every time.

So whether you're watching like Entertainment Tonight, whatever you're watching, he that's the only clip they have of him.

You know, me and Marty were just backstage talking about how Glenn Close's pussy

probably smells like a teepee after the battle of whatever.

She has a disgusting pussy.

Her pussy smells like the harbor, Trenton.

Like a bunch of trash!

Wow.

We really are shocked, Josh.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Shocking.

It's not funny.

It's a bad Al Pacino.

It makes no sense.

What makes no sense?

I just like screaming.

Yeah, the screaming's good.

Oh, yeah.

The grandma's boys, undeniably.

No, I was saying you wouldn't fuck Glenn Close for a million Al Pacino.

Feeling the need to tell everybody.

No, no, and then Stop said it was on the Today Show.

That's very funny.

Well, damn.

Yeah, dude.

Fucking holiday season, bro.

Dude, it's giving you the blues?

Honestly, a little bit.

Yeah.

Although, I fucked up.

Do you have a New Year's kiss?

Yeah.

Your mother's penis.

Your mother's pussy.

Fuck.

Fuck, I fucked that up.

Yeah, that's transphobic, dude.

No, it's not.

If I said your mother's penis, that would be trans

pro.

No, but she doesn't have a penis.

Yeah, that's a problem.

Well, I was going to ask you if you wanted to be what he was.

I don't want to be your New Year's kiss.

I was laughing today about Tony Soprano.

He's getting really big into baby Yoda memes.

And then he's like losing his temper at anyone who doesn't appreciate baby Yoda memes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tone, it's just, it's a fucking baby version of Yoda Tone.

Who gives a shit?

It's not even real.

You're not the ones of this family.

He's just a little fucking baby.

He's a fucking baby.

He's just a cute little fucking baby.

Let's mind his own fucking business.

He's just over there drinking his fucking soup.

Did you see that?

And you're mad at him?

The video they got doing the perfect James Gandolfini impression.

So good about Trump.

About Greta Thunberg.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

It's the same guy.

It's flawless.

He's so good.

It's fucking so good.

So good.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Yeah,

he nails that one.

I wish I could be good at any impression.

He also is like fat and bald.

Yeah, he's fat and bald and he smokes cigars.

Yeah, he's good.

I love his breathing pattern.

Yeah.

That's what killed him.

Really?

Yeah, his breathing.

Fuck.

Yeah.

Did he have sleep apnea?

There

are so many children I want to fuck.

Seal?

Cut it.

Cut that.

Okay,

which is the button to shut up.

Silence.

Seal, we're going to

boys.

This is the best thing

I've remained

attracted to children

today.

There's so much I want to fuck in at preschool.

No.

Seal, no.

No, Seal.

And what's good about that joke is you can plug it in with any song.

Any singer.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

Anyone.

It doesn't have to rhyme with Kissed by a Rose or whatever that song is.

Give me one reason to stay here.

And I fuck a fucking.

What happened to Tracy Chapman?

She turned white.

She did trans trans race.

Transracial.

Yeah.

She's a guy named Tracy Charles.

Tracy Chapman, that was her song, Give Me One Reason.

Yeah.

Yeah, and Fast Car.

Do you remember that one?

Give me one reason to stay here.

It's a sick song.

Fast Car ready.

Now suck your fucking dick.

I have a small dick.

I wanna get fucked in my house.

I'm fucking gay.

Fuck me in my ass.

Did she do that song?

Suck my dick and fuck me in my ass.

Did she do that song?

Like,

I love getting sucked off by God.

Did she do that song?

Fuck me in my gay.

We need to get fucked in my ass.

Did she do that song that's like you gotta be cool, you gotta be cool?

Oh, damn, I didn't got as many people.

Is that Tracy Chaban?

All I know, all I know is I'm fucking gay.

I don't think that's you gotta be now, you gotta be now.

You know what?

I don't know if that is.

I think it's someone else.

Yeah, there's no way that's her.

That sounds like her.

That was that era.

That was like, what, 93, 94?

Yeah, same era.

Yeah.

Suzanne Vega big in that time oh that she sounds hot yeah blood makes noise that's when uh nick and i were in our lilith faith lilith fair phase yeah i'm back to looking getting down to the indigo girls i was making myself laugh with uh what if god was a

black page

just a big fan black page

that is pretty good it is i mean it's too much to say on the show but i already get it

but in my private moment just imagining it's on the show.

I know, just imagining whoever that white lady was that did that dumbass.

What a fucking dumb song.

Dolly Madison looks kind of hot.

Sorry, I'm back on who's hot.

Look at Elizabeth Monroe looks like fucking trash.

You know, if there's one thing I would enjoy, it's the plow, Tracy Chapman, like a monster truck driving through a parking lot.

Wow, I didn't realize.

That's my style.

I mean,

That's my type of bitch, right?

You sang that song.

You gotta be.

Rachel Jackson looks like shit.

You gotta be fat.

You gotta be.

Hannah Van Buren looks kind of hot in this one.

Oh, my God.

Anna Harrison is a

busted bitch.

Damn.

What about John Tyler's wife?

She had like 18 kids.

She looks all right over here.

Letitia.

Are you talking about worst ladies?

Mm-hmm.

The Jeopardy category.

Julia Tyler.

Yeah, that's John Tyler's bitch.

She had like 16 kids.

Whoa, there's two Tylers.

It's by Taisha?

It's by

Desiree.

Desiree, that's it.

Yep, yep.

John Jay should have fucking known that.

Sarah Polk looks ugly.

That's such an easy one to read.

Oh, Margaret Taylor looks like an ugly.

Because I wanted to say Sade.

No, it's not by Sade.

I've been listening to that.

It's not sexual enough to be by Sade.

Sade has a lot of stuff.

It's been a lot of lovers rock recently.

Oh, is that so?

It's a Sade album.

It's quite good.

Mary Todd is not that hot.

Eliza Johnson is a busted bitch as well bad president bad bad pussy julia grant i can't really tell although you're gonna be cool oh it's obviously a british woman obviously a british black woman no that's that's a that's a cool type of person right there british black person

oh my god caroline harrison has a fucking mustache This bitch looks like a middle reliever for the Yankees, dude.

Damn, it's crazy to imagine how much bad pussy's been up in the White House.

It's the same building.

This is a good-ass gym, dude.

Damn, best Truman's ugly.

Maybe Eisenhower is ugly, but it looks like she sucks a good dick.

Yeah.

Okay, that's enough, Adam.

Thanks.

I just wanted to get to the end of the chorus.

Love will save the day.

That's not true.

Rosalind Carter.

Love just ruins people's lives.

That's true.

The real answer is being completely dispassionate.

Yeah, that's right.

For sure.

That's the answer, brother.

I got to give it to young Hillary.

That's a picture of young Hillary.

She looks pretty good.

Oh, like in college?

Yeah.

Nah, fuck that shit, bro.

She does, dude.

Better than you'd think.

Maybe

one of the worst.

Yeah.

Look, I'm not saying she's a good person.

I'm just saying she could have caught the salich.

What about Atlantis Moore is that ironic, but it's guy wrong.

You know what, Tony?

I think young Hillary was beautiful.

Beautiful dog.

What the fuck?

What are you talking about?

The fucking dog.

She's a fucking dog.

I wouldn't fuck up with your dick.

Tone, I don't know.

Show some respect for the first lady, Tone.

Christopher, Christopher.

New York Post: men are showing up to the wing and women are pissed.

What the fuck is the wing?

Yeah, deal with that, bitches.

It's where fucking

Lena Dunn goes to fucking.

It's like for

rich women to like, it's a co-working space.

It's like a we work for like rich women.

It's a way rich women, it's a way for rich white women to not be around minorities, but pretend no, they have a couple of token rich minorities.

Yeah.

So to make it feel intersectional.

Of course.

You got to suck dick.

You got to fucking dig.

Yeah, it's obviously a luxury.

It's like a Starbucks only rich white women can get into.

There's usually at least one man whenever I visit, says Caitlin Phillips, 29, a member in New York.

Oh, I know her.

It's bizarre to choose to occupy.

It's cool.

Wait, do you actually know her?

Or what do you think?

Do you want to hear the dumb shit that she said?

Just play it, yeah.

No, because it sounds like you want to do the joke.

So go ahead.

No, say that.

Say you know her.

I know her.

Cool.

Oh, you know her, huh?

I guess we'll come back to this later.

No, finish the quote.

No.

I don't want to.

She's nice.

I don't want to read it anymore.

I don't want to read the fucking quote.

No, I heard you suck penis.

I could do that.

I also eat my own ass.

I can eat my own ass for you.

I also eat my own assholes.

And I would like to do that for you.

For you, I can eat my own assholes.

For you,

I could bring your steak.

You got up on the street?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

He gets into the mafia by steaks.

Yeah.

That movie rocks.

That movie rules.

I love it.

The Guy Rishman.

The Guy Rishman.

The Guy Rishman.

You know.

You know.

Damn, I want a steak.

Dude, I had such a good steak in fucking Texas.

Damn.

God.

Yeah, you're looking like you gained maybe.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I see.

Oh, I've been on a nice little bender here.

I've been on a bender.

20, 30 pounds.

I like it.

Your shirts, you should just start getting high watermarks tattooed on your torso for how high up the shirts rock.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like kind of like a growth chart for a couple of times.

Yeah, like when you take a fairy and they show you, this is how bad the flooding was.

Listen, I'm amongst friends.

Back in 1800.

You're above the belly button.

I'm amongst friends.

I don't have to put on ears and put my shirt under my belly button.

No, no.

You should just start wearing like...

Keep dressing like baby Huey.

You should start wearing like half shirts like Ezekiel Elliott.

Showing up looking like balloon.

Dude, I wear it.

I'm wearing a full track suit to my show tonight, dude.

Yeah.

You need a ride, track, drive capacity.

I have to be in the Lower East side.

Yeah, hell yeah.

Is there parking around there or no?

Around the standard, Lower East side?

Lower East side.

I've got a fat head ass.

Tuesday.

Fuck me.

My big fat ass.

Yeah, you should be fine on a Tuesday.

My ass is too fast.

So we'll pick up Brandon and go.

Okay.

Because he's doing your show right now.

I don't know how to wet my ass because I can't reach it.

I can't get my head in my crack.

So I go around a doo-doo, stinking out of my fucking ass.

Very good, Tracy.

Thank you, Tracy.

That's really good.

Listen, normally we would hate that, but Neil was just in here talking about fucking kids

or whatever, whoever the fuck.

I got a big fat ass.

Oh, I have an idea for a song.

Can I have the beep button?

No, you can't.

No.

No, no, I can't.

I haven't touched that button.

This one?

Keep your finger on the fucking mountain.

Okay.

I'm a.

I'm a.

I'm a.

I'm a.

I missed it.

I'm a.

I'm a lover.

I'm a.

I'm a mother.

I'm a.

That was my idea.

Yeah, that's not bad.

That's on Perkins.

That's on tongue.

Jesus is Tracy Chapman distracts

Adam's gay.

That song sucks.

Fuck Nick Cannon.

Nick Cannon, a bitch, and he a fag.

He is fucking ass.

If I see Nick Cannon, he's getting fucked up.

Oh, fuck.

Damn, Tracy Chapman ate his ass up.

Damn, she is.

She lit his ass up.

Tracy got his ass, dude.

Nick Cannon, a bitch.

We should get going, probably.

No.

Did you eat already?

I was probably going to get some at the stand.

The burger there is pretty good.

They got little pieces.

Can you park on that street?

Yeah.

Do I have

you can park on 16th?

Yeah.

We should plug a phone into this bitch and start prank calling people.

Now we're now fucking talking.

Now we're talking.

That would rule.

Here's the thing.

You do that, you lose the soundboard.

So no more beeps, but we can do some prank calling.

Well, oh, fuck.

I got a small hard day.

My dick is too fucking small.

Now I'm parking gay.

Actually, you know what?

Yes, you can't.

So, you can't do them.

I can do, yes, I will be able to use the phone.

I love it.

And then, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

All right, so we'll be at least be able to do three sounds with the phone.

Okay.

I'll do some testing.

I love it.

We need some new drops.

We should start calling up.

We should start getting soothed by businesses.

Yeah, that'd be a good thing to start doing.

Do you have a little pistra?

Excuse me?

Fucking idiot.

You hang up on him.

Idiot.

Yeah, is this Toys R Us?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, can you suck my arm dick?

But the R is backwards.

Fegg it.

Welcome to the fucking the Jersey Boys tribute.

Yeah,

is this fucking Toys R Us?

I want to talk to Jeffrey the giraffe.

Yeah, I want to talk to Jeffrey Epstein the girl.

Is Jeffrey there?

The giraffe?

Jeffrey Epstein.

Epstein the giraffe.

I want to talk to him.

Does he fuck the mascot for Toys R Us?

Does he fuck the kids, you fucking priest of shit?

You're in the zone now, baby.

I fucking love the riff.

Boom.

You have a little bit of a bad one.

Sweet looks.

And we're back on Good Morning America with Tracy Trapman.

Tracy, Tracy Trapman.

Tracy Chapman and Al Pacino.

Now, Tracy, have you heard anything about how trash Glenn Close's pussy is?

You know, what would be nice

is if you licked my ass.

I've always wanted to get my ass licked.

De Niro style, if you catch my drift.

I could do that for you.

I also lick asshole.

Tracy.

No, I want to get some pussy.

She was a lesbian, right?

Yeah.

I always assumed.

I can't wait to get pussy.

I can't wait to stick my pussy on your pussy.

And then we can rub our pussies.

You can fuck me and my pussy.

And then I can fuck you and your pussy.

Yeah.

I love understanding lesbian sex.

Yeah.

That's how it is.

Yeah.

You can fist me and my pussy.

And then I can punch you in your pussy too.

And we can punch you just as pussy.

That is how they do it.

They should be doing it that way.

What if God was one advice?

Just waiting in line at the bank.

That'd be fun, huh, Adam?

Like a Jewish parody version of that song.

Yeah, that'd be all right.

You could do it with

that would make me happy.

What about What If God Smoked Cannabis?

What if God was one of us?

Do you remember that when people used to do that parody?

Yeah, what if God smoked cannabis?

Yeah, I like that.

Imagine God as a stoner.

Dude, stoner culture is so awesome.

Yeah, dude.

That's why we can't legalize it.

That's hard.

We're at risk of losing stoner culture.

Because it's hard to say somebody's tight.

A guy with like a flame beanie and headphones on constantly.

Even when he's talking.

He's like scared shoes.

Dude, it's actually your brain fills with DMT when you're done.

One of those guys.

I knew numerous guys like that as a teenager, and a handful of them have killed themselves.

Oh, yeah.

For sure.

Which rules.

Ride the fucking lightning, bro.

I love riding the lightning.

Yeah.

And riding, getting my penis sucked.

Yeah.

Let me just tell everybody.

You seem desperate to end this.

I have to pee you really bad.

Well, I just let me just plug my dicks.

Yeah, so I'm needs to plug his dick.

Come see the boy.

I'm all over the fucking place.

I'm going to be in.

Stop, stop.

No, I'm in Milwaukee.

I'm in Appleton, Chicago.

Oh, I'm in Tampa on the 26th.

Come see me.

It's the only Florida date, unfortunately.

Some other shit fell through.

I'm at the Comedy Connection in Providence, the 6th through the 8th.

I'm in Hyenas in Texas, Dallas, Texas, 13th through the 15th, Valentine's Day.

Come give me a smooch.

And

I'm at the DC draft house the 20th through the 21st of February.

Then fucking Arizona on the 5th, Tucson on the 6th.

And I think I'm going to be

in London

the 31st through the 4th, March through April, and then Dublin on the 29th.

And I'm cooking up some other shit, and we will be in fucking fuckstralia.

Yeah.

I'm going to go back on the road and work clubs, but then go get a photographer to do black and white headshots and get like a mullet and like a like a cross dangly earring and some eyeliner and get like a 1985 headshot, like a classic comedy club headshot.

100%.

And just to put it up, I'll do the weekend just so that they have that on the wall.

So people think I've been doing comedy for 45 years.

Well, you would have to look young as shit in it.

I do look young as shit now.

You'd have to, but is that what you'd do?

You would shave.

I would use the CGI to the CGI from

the Irishman.

You'd have really sparkly blue eyes.

You know, they used computers to make us look straight in the movie.

They're so gay.

Gino, De Niro, and Pesci.

Ah, Marty.

Marty says we were too gay.

Marty is saying we came off a little too gay in the movie.

Have you seen Pesci, dude?

He just got an awesome, like, fucking Fu Manchu, like, handlebar mustache.

He rocks, dude.

He rules.

I I hope he wins best supporting actor.

And I hope Adam Sandler is his best actor.

He was just in like one like shitty, weird, low-budget movie made by like dumb Italians in the Bronx.

Really?

And then fucking Robert De Niro saw it and then told Martin Scorsese and then he was in Raging Bull.

That's it.

Yeah.

And it happened.

He was like 35.

He was like the second lead in Raging Bull.

I mean he was like

they were awesome.

He was like a singer or something.

And then he just was in that one movie and then fucking

Nikki, right?

Is that his character?

And Raging Bull.

The brother.

The brother.

Did you fuck my wife?

Did you fuck my wife?

I haven't seen that movie.

And he does, right?

He does fucking wife.

Alone.

It's a fucking masterpiece.

Master Picch.

I want to fucking

was Cooper.

I can't wait to fuck Baby Yoda.

I want to put his hands on my pussy.

Touch him.

You fucking.

You fuck Tony Serpeno.

Nick Cannon can suck my pussy.

Teda babes, just suck them out too.

Damn, Tracy Chapman just fucking flaming people.

Just truly

got the fucking chopper out, let the yopper sing.

She got the extendo.

Nick Cannon, a bitch.

30.

30 rounds in the clip.

Going to die, you fat bitch.

You're

That's great.

Oh, fuck.

All right.

All right, folks, thank you for listening to Come Town.

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