Ep. 185 – It’s the 90s Jerry

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let's get retarded

ladies and gentlemen missed mr busy bee business oh i love him how you doing

my name is uh

clinton faggot

nice one dude um that's a good one i'm still i'm still doing the levels here so okay you want to talk

check check we're not recording no tell a little tell that story you're telling earlier about the daycare you're having sex with your children at?

Well, sex with the mothers.

That's not what you said.

Yes, I did.

I said I got a job at a daycare for pussy.

Yeah, that's right.

There's nothing wrong.

Yep, up until now, you're correct.

Yeah, that's what you said.

The twist is that

I'm having sex with you.

There's no twist here.

We're not recording yet, are we?

No, we're recording.

Of course we're recording, man.

It's the beautiful triggeration.

You sound weird.

Does he sound muffled?

Yeah, doesn't he sound muffled?

Talk Adam?

Check, check.

How do I sound?

He sounds okay.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Let me say something.

Admit that you had sex with a boy.

Can you?

Just keep talking, dude.

Okay.

Alright, yeah, I'll keep talking.

So

I watched the social network again this weekend.

Because all the hot guys in it.

I didn't think it was those.

Because you wanted to have sex with the two twins?

The Winkle Vosses.

The Winkle Vosses?

The Winkle.

Whatever.

Fine.

That's close enough.

Okay, we good?

We're good.

You're coming through.

I mean, you don't really need to come through clearly.

It doesn't need to.

No one cares what you have to say.

Yeah.

Yeah, if I'm muffled,

that'll protect me from the legal ramifications of anything I'm going to do.

Welcome to fucking come town, you fucking pieces of shit.

I love that.

I got to figure out how to do it.

Where's that from originally?

That came with it.

That came with it?

That's a fucking billion dollars now all of this was already on the thing that's going to die the fat digging that was

that was in there

that was already on those are presets yes i just i'm going through the presets yeah a couple of phone what else they got you ain't my bitch buy your own damn fries that excerpt from barack obama's audiobook i can't believe the president would say that

You ain't my bitch nigga.

Buy your own damn fries.

You know what he says about Obama.

You know, it is.

It's from Dreams of My Father.

It's from the audiobook.

Yeah.

He talks about his checkered past.

He talks about going and buying going and getting french fries.

Getting french fries with the time he lost his temper getting french fries.

Wait, my bitch nigga.

Buy your own damn fries.

Okay, that's pretty good.

You know his name?

Buy your own damn fries.

Is there Ben Carson's audiobook?

Yes, that's it.

That's good.

No, because he has one where he talks about packing somebody.

I don't know what he called it.

Silence!

That was it.

I forgot which ones were which.

It's okay, man.

The point is, Ben Carson had a story about how he

stabbed someone, though.

No, I think he said he said yo, mama, to somebody.

But I would like to listen to that.

So that came pre-like.

What was his book called?

Like Hands of God?

If these hands could eat pussy,

I may be a brain doctor, but I'm still from the streets.

No.

We're on our third and fourth, if you count, implied N-word so far.

Well, we had a couple actual ones that have spoken by the 44th president.

No, we're getting into the danger zone now.

Go on a dyke, you fat bitch.

This is awesome, dude.

The soundboard takes it.

Stop.

Did you see this?

This is fucking incredible.

I can't wait to never.

We don't soon.

We were saying this earlier.

I can't wait till we don't have to even talk.

Dude, if this podcast.

It's a string of soundboards.

the money's been dropping off for a while now.

Awesome.

If we get back on track, if we hit $100,000, I'm going full setup where I have just three different producers I'm passing notes to, and they're finding sounds, cutting them up for me.

And then we get, I just, you know, and it's

like girl talk.

It's like watching a cartoon play a big organ

where I got a bunch of different knobs.

Oh, I love that.

And you never know.

A nice collage of sounds.

You never know because it's ten different radio shows at once.

I got

different bits being pulled.

Absolutely.

You know, we're playing, yeah, we're playing Kirk, Mark, and Lopez.

Yeah.

We're playing Mickey and Amelia.

All the ever, anytime anything has ever been on Baltimore morning,

anything, the junkies

that were briefly the sports junkies.

You remember those guys?

We're just a couple of guys talking about sports, doing heroin.

They had one guy named Hench or something.

Yeah, there's nothing I love.

We go to the Orioles game and then I got robbed by a bunch of

I didn't even tell you what I said.

That's your if you're thinking I said something.

I just make that noise when I feel sick.

Oh, that was your noise.

Yeah, no.

You made that with your mouth.

Yeah.

That's the heroin makes it.

It just makes that noise.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, you know, it's the combination of heroin and sports.

He needs to get right overdosing it.

Anyway, so there was a couple of hanging on.

Oh, no, I don't believe you this time.

No, that's.

Maybe the first time.

That's just it.

I make.

We all got.

You got to respect your.

Yeah, it really seems like

you're talking right now.

Respect your elders.

You got to respect it.

That you make.

Wait, I don't even.

You make.

Yeah, the

no, stop, first of all.

Right before you make that noise, now you started

floating into an end zone before you make it.

No, that I'm making is

look, sometimes I do too much heroin and I make it

real dick.

I don't know, man.

No, but so if he's missing

when I'm fucked up on heroin.

Oh, okay, the noise.

Yeah, right.

Saw,

this is a sick man.

So you're saying noise for everyone?

Yeah, I'm saying.

Well, come on, man.

I'm trying.

The system's got me down.

You know, it's like most of my stuff I got together, but people, there's a tell.

Everybody knows I'm a heroin addict because I go in a store and they hear me saying

and they know

they hear me saying

so i see oh i'm just one of these guys you're one of these noise guys right

noise music and they know i can't i can't get my shit together classic ball i'm i'm sucking something just so i can get another bag

sucking some noise noise no i meant to say something else

my illness

my illness

My girl got sick.

At the end of that sentence.

Okay, all right.

Well, we don't have to get into it anyway.

See you later, sports junkie.

Yeah, no, good to talk to you.

Oh, there's that guy.

One money, too.

Oh, no.

The sports junkie is dead.

He's dead.

Oh, my God.

Carl got shot by.

By noise.

Carl got shot by noise.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Oh, Carl told you that shit, too?

Yeah, no, he was lying.

Yeah, that guy was racist.

Oh, man.

Well, I'm glad he's dead.

Carl the sports junkie?

Carl the sports junkie was a racist.

Oh, my God.

I don't like that guy.

And that's the good news.

All racists should be.

All racists should be killed without a trial.

Hey, man, can I get some of your French fries?

Wait, my bitch nigga.

Buy your own damn fries.

All right.

All right, man.

All right, Obama.

Man, the president's always being mean to me just because I'm a heroin addict.

All right, well.

That's rude of him.

That is rude of him.

I'm not going to call the president.

No,

no.

Saw.

What?

It's my

heroin addict.

No, Carl is dead.

All right.

We've been over this.

Carl is dead.

You don't want to die, you fat bitch.

I love the new era, dude.

This is high production value.

Oh, yeah.

Our dicks are hard.

So, Saab, did you watch the Lakers

game last night?

Did you see that clip from the Jumbotron of Lizzo's ass?

I did.

Yeah.

Your ass was out.

I thought it was beautiful.

Pretty nice.

I think you should actually adopt that look.

A giant t-shirt with a hole.

With a hole cut out just for my ass.

That was a great look.

I thought it was fake at first.

I didn't know that it was Lizzo until I found out today on Twitter.

Well, she said she wanted to fuck Carl Anthony Towns.

Oh, because she's from Minneapolis.

Yeah, she's from Minneapolis.

She's from Minneapolis.

You probably didn't hear that.

Catch that one.

Well, I did.

I dropped his levels and buzzed him right when he said she's a.

I said she's from Minneapolis.

No, no, no.

Trust me, I'm going to turn into a sniper because you know, Nick, the implications.

Stop implicating.

Stop implying.

Wow, yeah.

I was wondering what was going on here.

Because Nick, the mic was down.

He was just trying to.

I saw her on the sport.

I thought we were on the sports junkies.

We got to do that.

No, the sports junkies are dead.

All right.

There wasn't dead from racism and not from drugs.

Yeah, let me see.

So I would.

That's how you would do it.

You mute me.

Wait, try to talk again.

Hello?

Wait, you can still hear me in the can.

You can.

Here.

There we go.

There we go.

That channel.

You're two.

Stav's three.

I'm three.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Sorry, guys.

In a couple of weeks, we're going to know all the channels.

No, we won't.

We'll just

sound quite right, but

I would have gotten you.

Well, the good news is you could just do it and post it anytime.

I could.

You're right.

But it's about the love of the game.

Yeah.

It's about the love of the game.

That's what this show is all about.

Everything has to happen.

It's about what?

It's all about.

it.

That is really good.

Yeah, I'm going to turn it.

You'll be like, dial this in.

You've become a problem.

Dude, you've become a quite.

Whoa, Adam, what the fuck?

Damn, I didn't say that.

Adam.

I mean, I was making fun.

I was telling Nick to stop saying it.

Implied, but you're just dropping it.

Jesus Christ.

That's fucked up.

I was going to say Mix Master, but a mixed position.

No, no.

No.

No.

I haven't seen Nick smile this much in six months.

Yeah, dude.

I'm telling you.

He just has this peaceful look.

Yeah, dude.

Anytime you can imply.

The way this podcast has enabled me to get to the final levels of autism, which is spending seven hours of the day doing Duolingo Chinese and then fucking around with it.

And then making other people relearning it, trying to pick it back up.

Because

I don't want to.

If I go on a trip to China, I want to at least be able to.

I don't want a repeat of Japan

where I just assumed that, like, of course, they learn English.

A lot of them do.

Nah, it was difficult.

It was hard.

But here's the thing: the phones.

Your phone had all the information.

I broke like two of those fucking coffee machines in 7-Eleven.

Because I didn't know.

You're right.

Actually, you're right.

They did speak way less English than I thought.

I got frustrated.

But that's a sign.

That's how you show them.

You go in there, you're like, listen up, you fucking.

I got

a heroin problem.

Where do I get heroin in Japan?

I'm looking for some heroin.

Do they have heroin in Japan?

What?

They don't have many.

Whoa, come on.

They don't have have what?

All right.

It's one thing if Nick does it, but Adam, I really need you to stop, man.

Because it's not clear if you're being ironic.

You know, I didn't say anything.

I wish I got.

The first time was perfect timing.

But I did you instead of him.

Yeah, bummer.

Because he's sitting over there, so in my head, I'm thinking that's three.

Yeah.

But this is two.

It's two.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It goes by.

We'll get it right.

Oh, that's why your shit's fucked up.

That's why your shit's muffled.

Keep talking.

Hello?

Yeah, there we go.

That sounds better, right?

Yeah.

I think that sounds better.

My dick is mmm.

Hey, listen, real quick, before I know we usually plug later, but if you're in Houston this weekend, come see me, man.

H-Town.

H-Town.

I'm going to be at the Secret Group.

I'll save the rest of the plugs for later, but this one's time-sensitive.

You're getting plugs, too, huh?

I'm getting hair plugs, yeah.

Are you eligible for the surgery?

I think so.

I think so.

What's the eligible situation?

You should wait, though, because I feel like there's going to be, sooner rather than later, a way to just, like, spray your shit with stem cells.

That would be awesome.

I am waiting.

Let's be honest.

I'm fine.

Have you seen that?

Have you seen that?

They've got like a it's basically like a a paint sprayer where they put like skin cells

in a spray gun for for burn victims.

And uh,

you know.

Damn, if they do that with beautiful curly hair.

Yeah.

I want curls when I get hair again.

Like me.

No, more beautiful than yours.

Like a like

a young maradona.

Oh, nice.

Like a young Diego Maradona.

You'd look really good.

That would look kind kind of Greek.

Exactly.

You get like those leaves.

Although, Shirley Temple's not a bad look either.

Yeah.

Tight red curls.

Big lolly.

Sailor suit.

Oh, and rock shirt shirt.

Or no, not Shirley Temple.

Fucking.

Shirley Temple.

No, is that the bitch's name?

She's got it.

Little, the little

nailed him.

Nailed him.

Oh, fuck.

Nailed me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is that.

God damn, that was a good one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Damn.

Oh, now we're cooking the gas.

Oh, yeah.

I guess, oh, they named the drink after her.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yes.

I thought I had had another Freudian slip where I forgot a real person's name and switched it for like a food or something.

It's both a food and a person.

I I used to fucking love a damn Shirley Temple.

What is it?

Sprite and cherry shit?

Yeah, maraschino cherry juice and shit like that.

Yeah, that was

what was it called?

Whenever you went to a place with like adults and they had like a

baptism or wedding.

Yeah, like a baptism.

I remember there was a bar mitzvah where they had a bar.

Oh, yeah.

And they had, they had.

I was like.

It was Nick's Bar Mitzvah.

Yeah, it was my bar mitzvah.

It was a Shirley Temple-themed bar mitzvah.

Make us gay and Jewish.

That would be so awesome.

You're a gay Jewish guy.

Of course, it's a character.

I'm acting.

I'm a brilliant comedy writer.

This is a character I do.

It's an alt-right guy.

I figured there was a market for it.

We can make some money

to spend on boys.

Nick's Bar Mitzvah theme was the Academy Awards.

No, the theme was Shirley Temple.

So I'm Shirley Temple, and all of my guests are Mr.

Bojangles.

They're on the good ship lollipop.

Everyone's in blackface

complimenting me and teaching me how to dance.

That's a nice bar misfa, man.

Yeah,

virgin Shirley Temples.

My friend had the best.

Well, they don't.

They are all virgin.

I know.

There's no.

I didn't know that at the time.

No, yeah.

Nick used to put

ash in there

for a virgin Shirley Temple.

Not like him that Virgin Dak is a Virgin Daiquiri.

Because a Virgin Dak.

Absolutely.

I was a fat boy at a baptism myself.

Dave and Buster's also had Virgin Virgin Tappa.

Dude, a dat one that they let you, when they let you get a daiquiri,

and I'm just having three, and they're like, uh, okay.

I'm a businessman.

I'm a small businessman.

I know you look at my width and you say, who's this circular boy?

And what's he doing?

He's practicing business.

I used to have to shit so bad after a baptism or wedding.

The shit I would put into my body, I would literally pray to God because my stomach ache was so bad.

Honestly, what I did to myself.

Looking back at my life,

my greatest regret is not staying fat as shit forever.

Yeah.

Because it's like, come back, bro, it destroys you, come back, it destroys you internally, yeah.

But then it's like if you right, exactly, who cares?

But you don't know what it's like to not be fat anymore, and then there's like hope.

There's a light at the end of the time, brother.

Here's the thing: you stay here, and you make your own little neighborhood do that.

That's what I'm saying.

That's that's I didn't do that, yeah.

I'm a man without a country, you are, you really are,

because you can't, you can't

really be part of the

diaspora.

I'm sorry, it cut out for a second.

I think you said the fat diaspora.

I did.

You have to censor

because of Lizzo.

Because of Lizzo.

Because you're not allowed to say that anymore.

Ruin everyone.

But I'll tell you something.

She's going to die from

beans and tortillas.

Don't want to die, you fat dick.

Yeah, that's.

We're going to have to apologize to Lizzo.

I'm sorry, Lizzo.

I'm sorry for

my friend's behavior.

I would love to make a plus-sized child with you.

A plus-sized child.

That's what happens when two fat people have sex, man.

They have a fat baby.

Gerber should make

a fat baby line, and it's just like a little cup of barbecue sauce.

Yeah, barbecue.

Honey drippings.

Yeah, drippings from bacon.

I think

sweet and sour sauce from McDonald's is in my head.

Oh, yeah.

I used to love that shit, too.

But honestly, as an adult, as a man, it doesn't, I don't have the same appreciation for it.

I like Polynesian sauce from Chick-fil-A.

Yeah, Chick-fil-A's got the sauce game on lock.

Yeah, Chick-fil-A sauce.

Chick-fil-A sauce, wonderful.

Fantastic.

Polynesian sauce with a little mayonnaise

to cream it up.

Yeah, that's right.

Polynesian isn't creamy enough.

It's too clear.

It is.

It's a real problem.

You need a more cummy cream.

First of all, Chick-fil-A sauce is the exact right consistency for a dipping sauce.

It is true.

And what's the difference?

A little mayonnaise.

That's the nice thing about Chick-fil-A is you take the sandwich, you dip the whole sandwich into the container.

Incredible.

Multiple sauces.

Brother, when they opened the Chick-fil-A on campus at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County,

that was a.

I had

the junior 15.

They had a Chick-fil-A on campus at the George Washington University, and payment was very optional.

Oh, yeah.

Very easy to see.

There were some broke days where I would just go have

three demand for money.

Three sandwiches.

And then he would buy you a sandwich.

Well, I just remember the sandwich part.

The rest you block out of your memory.

That's kind of a.

I had a friend of a friend who was like

a boy for high-powered DC homosexuals.

Oh, he was a...

He could just get his ass ran through by like a.

A call boy.

He was a callboy.

And he was like, he was, he did it.

It's like when a rich woman does it, like, for the thrill, he was kind of of like that.

He was in it for the.

Yeah.

I bet you they make an underwear for guys like that.

I think they do.

What kind of underwear?

I wonder what it is.

You know, my problem is when I go to buy underwear,

it's not designed to get fucked in your ass.

You go in the store and you're like, what the fuck?

Fuck this store.

I hate stores.

Fuck this damn store.

It's like, what?

No.

Can you hand me French fries?

I don't know.

Your fingers.

Obama.

My bitch nigga.

Buy your own damn fries.

We're going to buy your own damn underwear.

That's what you think when you're buying, when you're shopping for underwear at a store?

Yeah.

I say, I want Obama to buy my underwear.

And he says, Wait, my bitch nigga.

Buy your own damn underwear.

And I

panic because the president has

said a slur to you.

A horrible word that you would never think or say.

If you said it to me, I'd say thank you.

He's the president.

Yeah.

I go to MacWeldon.com.

That's so much better.

You can do it online.

Mac Weldon was, it's not, there's no guy named Mac Weldon.

It's just.

Which is fucked up, to be fair.

Well, every clothing company now, for guys like us,

all their names are like

Tim Horton.

You know, I love Tim Horton.

Tim Horton made maple-scented boxers.

Coffee and jeans.

Timmy Hormones.

Tim Horton.

Tim Hormones, that's right.

I called back to Canada.

Yeah.

Yeah, we sell

little

donuts,

donuts, and then

boots.

Boots and donuts.

That's right.

That's right.

Mac Weldon.

Mac Weldon slash Tim Horton.

Mac Weldon and Tim Horton are.

They're merging.

They're merging.

It's a family of products.

It's guys

stuff.

You know, it's underwear.

Donetttes.

And then

croquette madame.

Brioche.

Croque Monsieur.

Croque Monsieur Brioche.

Brioche Bonsoir.

I call it a Brioche.

They got little.

MacWeldon now offers spinach omelette egg drops in the underwear.

You can go to MacWeldon.com where you put your balls.

And you will leave two egg drops.

You get a spinach egg white omelette medallion.

In the nut sack.

Yeah.

Which they have, a special little sack for your nuts.

This is Devon.

Look, MacWeldon.com, their mission is simple: to make sure all your basics and beyond are smartly designed, and shopping for them is easy and convenient.

I've never heard a less convoluted sentence in my life.

Me, neither do you.

Your basics are.

I hate how hard it is to shop for them.

What are basics like underpants, undershirts?

Yeah, see, MacWelton.com, our mission is simple.

To make sure all your and beyond are smartly designed, and shopping is easy.

I think I have a tire.

What's that?

Do you think you have diarrhea?

Adam just ran up.

Adam's shitting himself.

Anyways, actually, you know what?

I had to give a pair of Macwell underwear to Ian the other day.

And he loved them.

And it was because he came over to my apartment to hang out and shit himself

on the way to my house.

And then had the audacity to come out of the bathroom.

And pretend he didn't.

Well, no, not pretend that he didn't.

He tried to throw his underwear away in my kitchen

trash can.

Shit.

Yeah.

With shit all over him.

With shit all over the kitchen.

Your kitchen is smelling like a man's shit.

Right.

That was his plan.

Was to throw it away in there.

I was like, no, you got to put those outside.

What a fucking piece of shit.

Yeah.

But then have the audacity to be like, you should be getting out more, man.

It's like, no, you should be learning the basic stuff you need to learn before you go out.

Like, not shitting.

Don't shit.

A, don't shit yourself on the way.

B, don't try and keep the soiled shit underwear in a common area in the home.

So So we had to set him up with a pair of Mac Weldon underwear.

And he loves them.

Because Mac Weldon is about the basics.

The basics like not shitting yourself.

That's right.

The best pair of underwear to get if you've just graduated from diapers at age 34.

That's right.

Or if your asshole has been ravaged so much that a bike ride to your friend's house to play poker causes you to shit yourself.

If you're fast and loose from playing it fast and loose, you'll love Mac Weldon underwear.

That's right.

Do you have a big asshole?

Get Mac Weldon underwear.

Their frustration was real, and their Eureka moment happened in a department store aisle full of brands that dominated our top drawer.

Surrounded by a mind-numbing assortment of underwear and socks, we realized consistent fit and quality.

Became a game of.

That was the good stuff.

Became a game of roulette.

But no, they are.

They're nice.

Look, I don't know if

we've got a lot of younger men that listen to this.

Yes.

That are mad because they want TFW, no pussy for for mark

tfw I get that damn a lot TFW no picture we got frowning for gamer Mark

and it's like guys here that are like their basic setup you're a five out of ten you don't understand why you're not why you can't fuck or whatever

and it's like well you know you may look to us but you forget that we're famous we're famous we're funnier than you we're more interesting all that kind of stuff i mean that might not even be true but it's like you know you gotta there's other shit that you gotta get.

I mean, for the most part, it is.

There might be.

I wish someone had pulled me aside when I was 22 and been like, you can't keep wearing underwear you've had since high school.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or with holes.

Hole.

Torn to pieces.

Yeah.

And I'm like, what the fuck?

It's underwear.

You still got a couple with holes.

You're wearing sweatpants with ducks all over them

and a shirt you found at church.

You can't not get pussy that.

A no-fear shirt that you found at a church.

You're wearing blue Eminem pajama pants.

Right.

Yeah, that's not a problem.

That sounds pretty cool.

Yeah.

Blue Lives Matter.

So there's all these guys now, they're younger guys that know how to dress themselves.

That's right.

And you just got to emulate them.

And when that doesn't work, then you can go shoot up San Jose.

No, do not.

Under any circumstances, commit a bunch of people.

You're on a mass shooting kit.

But listen, you will get.

Here's the thing.

Guaranteed you will get pussy if you buy clothes from Mac Weldon.

Guaranteed you will get pussy.

Or your money back.

Or you're a pussy.

Or you're a pussy back.

Or Adam or you a pussy?

Buy the underwear or you're a pussy.

Yes, here's how it works.

If you're not a pussy, you will get pussy if you buy these underwear.

Well, I'll tell you what.

If you are a pussy, you won't get pussy.

Well, you're already a pussy, so you already got pussy.

They feel good.

No.

They feel good.

But you have yourself.

The design though.

It's smart.

That doesn't work.

The fabrics are premium.

Why not?

And the shopping is simple.

Listen to the read, man.

I'll listen, dude.

Yeah, stop trying to do your Seinfeld comedy.

I'm not doing Seinfeld comedy.

I don't know.

You know, I'm not good at observational comedy.

Yeah, it's anecdotal.

All the shit on Seinfeld that made Seinfeld bad was his Jerry Seinfeld's input.

Yeah, him doing his act on the coffee shop.

Everybody loves saying salsa.

It's like, what the fuck are you talking about?

What is that?

What do you say, salsa or salsa?

Salsa.

Everybody loves.

And just all the writers who are like the best comedy writers in the world being like, okay, Jerry, we can put the salsa.

Yeah, the salsa thing goes in.

Sure.

Yeah.

Great.

No, really good stuff, dude.

Yeah, shouldn't you go shouldn't you go hang out at the comedy cellar and lecture people?

Shouldn't you be driving around in your Ferrari lecturing people?

Damn, I wish I had a billion dollars so I could just fucking tell people what the fuck to do.

Yeah, he raped a child.

Allegedly.

Yeah.

I don't think.

I guess he didn't.

I guess it's not illegal, but

he had sex with a child.

Dude, I mean, sex with a 17.

Like 20 years ago, when that shit was like, nobody gave a shit.

Yeah.

So Shauna.

You go get yourself just the finest piece of trim in Central Portugal.

17-year-old you can find.

I'm dating a four-year-old.

MacWeldon.com.

And Mac Weldon.com.

And everyone thinks, you know, he's like, everyone's going to think I'm cool.

And then 20 years later, they're like, remember when he thought he was cool?

Yeah.

And he's like, uh-oh.

uh-oh, Biscuitios.

I have Down syndrome.

Oh,

he did the spacey, but with Down syndrome.

Yeah,

he said he's on the spectrum.

Oh, really?

Oh, did he?

Yeah, he did.

That's awesome.

Respect.

Okay.

I mean, it makes sense.

I'm going to pretend like I know that, and then I wasn't just waking up that he pretended he had Down syndrome.

No, it makes sense based on his.

Oh, who ate all the cookies?

His act is a guy on the spectrum.

MacWeldon.com.

Not understanding basic.

Mac Weldon will be the most comfortable underwear, socks, shirts,

undershirts, hoodies, and sweatpants, and more that you'll ever wear.

They have a line of silver underwear and shirts that are naturally antimicrobial.

Adam, what does that mean?

I don't want to.

Whoa, dude.

It's an ad, bro.

Yeah.

Come on.

The good people of Mac Web.

You're not allowed to look at what I'm doing.

I knew what you were going to do.

All right, well, close my eyes.

It's against the rules for you to preempt me.

Maybe I should do it blindfold.

That would be funny.

Yeah, no cell phone.

That would be good.

That way, too, you can't tell the difference between people, right?

I'm not going to.

Shit.

So, anyway, what's the promo code?

The promo code

is

Sylvester.

Kango.

Sylvester's a great name.

It really is.

I'm going to name my son Solores.

No.

No, you're not.

Sylvester Friedland.

For 20% off your first order, visit MacWeldon.com and enter promo code Come Town.

That's C-U-M-T-O-N

20.

Come Town 20.

C-U-M-N-T-O-20 C-M.

C-U-M-20.

Come Town20.

Come Town 20, you motherfuckers.

Enter promo code ComeTown20 at MacWeldon.com.

20% off your first order.

If you do not like the underwear, you can return them.

No questions asked.

No questions asked.

Well, you don't return them.

You just get a refund.

And then you keep the underwear.

So if you put a little Ian in your pants,

guess what?

Free underwear.

Free underwear.

Well, I mean, you still got to throw them out in your friend's kitchen.

So it's technically, you don't get anything,

but you don't have to pay for the underwear that you shitted.

I shitted.

I shitted my pants.

I took a dump in my pants arena.

It's a movie called Instead of Crank, it's shitted.

Shut up again.

That's good.

You don't understand.

I'm going to keep shitting.

He's got to constantly be shitting a little bit.

I have to keep shitting a little bit.

I'm going to die.

I keep shitting.

I was given the poison by Cello.

By Cheeky Cello gave me a pause and a little bit.

A cheeky poison.

A cheeky pause and a mace.

My booty cheeks open up just a little bit.

And then my booty cheeks close or do I

got a door?

I'm shitting too much.

So, couldn't he just get something in his ass if it's about how his cheeks clamp up?

That's that's the end of the movie.

That's smart.

You need a sequel.

So, wait, Crank, he has to keep his heartbeat over a certain amount.

Yeah, you mean to tell me that this guy's got shit in his ass?

I'm trying to think.

Who, who?

What was it?

Who put their dick in my ass?

I'm out here in beautiful Vancouver, and I got got a dick in my ass.

Vancouver is a great city.

It's one of my favorite cities.

I love coming here and shoving a big fat dick right up my ass.

Dwayne the Rock Johnson, you're having gay sex in Vancouver.

Dwayne the Johnson here.

No.

For WrestleMania 27, this is a great event.

We're raising money for kids who are also

I'm Kay Russeller Dwayne

the Johnson.

The rock.

He sang the rock.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

I love the damn soundboard.

We'll do the soundboards.

Great.

That's really good stuff.

It really takes it up to 11.

Oh, yeah.

We having a party out here, baby.

We having gay six.

We having a party.

Silence.

Um, fuck.

I saw you see.

Oh, let's continue.

No, I got nothing.

I said, I'm starting to feel weird all of a sudden.

Yeah, I just found out I have diarrhea during the Mac Weldon raid.

So, if I get sick from you, man, are you on frantic?

I can't get it from my ass.

Oh, damn, no,

no, frantico.

I guess I'm hanging out alone.

That's probably a good hang.

Hey, it's Dwayne Johnson here.

I'm on frantic at the stand tonight

doing all my bits about sucking cock,

just sucking sucking off a couple of guys.

Yep.

Can you smell

my ass while it's getting fucked?

Let me get this straight, yeah.

You want to have sex with my ass.

Oh, yeah.

If there's one thing I want, Shaw.

Oh, yeah.

Hobbs.

I can't.

Jay Hobbs and Shaw.

Hey, it's me.

Hobbs.

That's his name, huh?

I thought you were somewhere just be Hobbes

regular Sean

Regular that's even more fashionable it's sort of a Toma Jerry

Atoma Jerry situation oh is that like a cockney slang yeah

I'm trying to not get my ass

fucked

and Hobbs was chasing me around

Fuck, dude.

Nothing like a beep, dude.

Beep is the best.

I'm literally taking what 200 episodes?

I feel bad for fucking kids growing up today without beep.

Beep is

doing that in class.

Yeah.

Teacher being mad at you.

Dude, what?

The funniest shit in the world.

I used to love watching Jerry Springer.

Oh, yeah.

And they would have an episode.

Jerry Springer would be like,

she's in third grade and she's having sex with black men twice her age.

Let's bring her out Delilah.

And then it's a little girl in the audience.

It's like,

I don't care.

I don't care.

It's the 90s, Jerry.

I'm going to do what I want.

I'm going to do what I want, Jerry.

If I want to.

I can do it if I want to.

I'm in third grade.

Boo.

Yeah, my question is for the little shorty.

If you don't know your ABCs, then why are you on your knees?

And then they

tries to fight the guests.

I love it.

Jerry's on a new show.

I didn't know this.

I was home at Thanksgiving.

If you're in grade three, why do you got HIV?

Remember

that we'd go to the audience to do disses?

It was awesome.

You don't need Jenny Jones.

You need Jenny Craig.

Yeah.

That was a big one.

Yeah, yeah.

Classical.

So Jerry's on a new show called Judge Jerry.

Is he a judge?

I didn't know he even had a law degree, but he's like taking, now he's like, it's the new judge show on TV.

Oh, I thought you meant Jerry Seinfeld.

Wait,

is he a judge?

I know he was mayor of Cincinnati.

I know he was a mayor, I think.

He probably is a law degree.

Defendant, that makes sense.

Plaintiff?

What the hell is that?

Should be called accuser.

That's good.

Yeah, you ever notice how there's a plaintiff?

That's Joe.

Haven't seen you in a while.

That was Mark.

Yeah, come on.

Oh, Mark, yeah.

Yeah, Joe's more of a...

He's basier, it's true.

Yeah, I finally got sued for something.

But, you know, you're supposed to be able to meet your accuser.

That's like a big part of the

justice system, I guess.

But they're telling me if it's a five-year-old, you

don't have that breath.

No, that's not.

It's one thing if he's cruising, man.

But

let's not start child molester Joe.

Let's put the kibosh on the bottom.

Think about these elementary school bathrooms.

The uritals are marked the pedophiles.

The uritals are so close to the floor.

Yeah, the other thing, they get all these pedophiles now, and they're in schools trying to f ⁇ kids.

Yeah, a big thing, though, is trans people, they want to make it legal to f ⁇ kids.

Man, trans people really have it the best, don't they?

Damn, can we add that one to the board?

That was pretty good.

What, the fart?

You guys heard it.

It was in your headphones.

I guess.

Yeah, you know who's at the best in this world is trans black guys.

Yeah.

You get to be a girl, so everybody wants to have sex with you, but you're also six foot five and you can dump.

I can't say that.

I walked into a subway, and I was like, give me a sandwich.

They got more mad at me than they did the pedophile who used to work there.

Why didn't Subway Jared just say he was trans?

I like this character, just Mark Norman.

Regular Mark.

Oh, fuck.

So do you see

our friend of the show, Hillary Clinton, was on the Howard Stern?

Dude, Howard looked horrible.

Dude, what the fuck

sucks.

To see your heroes be complicit in that.

I mean, he's just a rich guy now.

I'm watching.

You think Bernie's.

I can't do Howard Stern at all.

No, it's deep.

And it's like New York.

It's Long Island.

I have no idea where it is.

It's super low.

I have no idea where to even come in on it.

I'm gay.

No, it's.

I can't do Herardy Sharp.

You can't do Hardy Sharing.

Howard Stern and I'm gay.

I can do a couple.

Hold on.

I'm nailing it.

I'm actually gay.

Howard Stern on the game.

I'm Howard Stern.

Bernie Sanders is gay.

Wait a minute.

But in a bad way.

Wait a minute.

I just think Bernie Sanders is a faggot?

Are you saying Bernie Sanders is a

Hillary?

Robin, bring me my slippers so I can go outside and take it in Hillary's.

Ben Hillary are going to go outside and I'm going to take a big that sounds great, Howard.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can't do that anymore.

Dude, no, we're crushing it.

Yeah, we got Hillary.

That's Hillary.

I'm actually gay.

That's me, Hillary.

So, Hillary, tell me.

Hillary Clinton.

Tell me.

Bernie fucking stayed around.

Bernie ruined my chances because she was like.

Right, he sucks.

Yeah, because

he sent me a letter saying he was going to rape me in June of

2016.

Wow.

The only reason I ran is to get black women out of jail.

That's so great.

And a lot of people, he stole all my ideas.

Can I see your pussy?

These were all ideas that me and Liz Warren came in.

I know.

You can't trust Jews.

Yeah.

You really can, except for my good friend Jeffrey Epstein.

Rest in peace, who killed himself.

He was a misunderstood guy.

Yeah.

Me and your husband Bill had a great time on those airplanes.

Harvey Weinstein, too.

Epstein and Weinstein, the steam.

The Wild Luigi and Wario.

Of rape.

Of rape.

Thanks for listening to the Howard Stern Show.

Come back, and we're going to get Hillary to ride the Sibian.

Oh, Howard, you crazy.

Thanks, Robin.

Thanks, Robin.

Howard?

You crazy for this one, Howard.

Howard.

It's Cleveland from the family guy.

Oh, my God, Howard.

Giggity, I'm Howard Stern.

Howard, you crazy for this one.

I'm freaking Hillary Clinton.

That's a good Peter, dude.

Yeah.

You can do him because you're low.

No.

Because you're not.

That is not one.

I did a pretty good quagmire.

Because you had a terrible Peter Griffin last time you tried to do it.

No.

It was hilarious.

Yeah, it was so.

Yeah, yeah.

It was really bad.

So it's good to see that you.

Dude, I'm just out here freaking out.

You were so humiliated.

You went back into the workshop with that one.

Well, I was not humiliated.

I'm never humiliated.

You watched YouTube vids?

What I did was I felt.

See, it's kind of like in basketball when you're on a hot streak.

For example, I just nailed Howard Stern so much that my confidence allowed me to nail Peter Griffin.

Yeah, it's true.

I'm Howard Stern and I'm gay.

That sounds good.

Trees Lawrence.

Yeah, I don't even know what Peter Griffin.

I can't do Peter Griffin.

It's all right, man.

Not everybody's gifted with the instrument like I am.

I would just have to listen to him again.

It's an easy voice to do.

Howard?

That's really hard.

Peter.

Yeah, yeah.

It's Rhode Island.

Rhode Island stuff.

I'll be in in Rhode Island.

Who plays the neighbor?

It's Putty, right?

Yeah, I think it is.

Is it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Of course it is.

Whenever we put that together,

shout out to Putty getting facts after facts.

Here I am, the neighbor.

Oh, someone said to me after one of our

faggots.

No.

Well,

at the end of the day.

I heard that too.

No, stop it.

I also heard that.

Howard Stern.

We're going live to the guy.

And they said that you're a faggot.

That was going live to the guy.

Yeah.

Him just saying it again.

I've got him on another.

Okay.

Elaine.

Let's patch him through.

Elaine, it's me, family guy.

Yeah, I'm here with Adam, man.

What were you saying earlier?

Oh, right.

Well, you heard it from him, Elaine.

Elaine from Seinfeld was the guy.

Elaine from Seinfeld was the guy.

Yeah, she's my girlfriend on another show.

Well, thank you so much, putty family guy.

Yeah.

This is the Howard Stern Show.

Yeah.

Come back.

We're all going to have sex with Robin afterwards.

Oh, my God.

Howard, you crazy for this one.

Well, if you need to replace your wallet.

Yeah, tell us.

Might I suggest to Reno a little website called Ridge.

Oh, you might, my friend.

Which we've said before, I've been told by the Ridge Wallet Company that Ridge does not stand for the penis.

Really?

Ridge, yeah.

They actually sent that note over?

You know, someone might have hacked their email because it seems ridiculous that it wouldn't stand for penis ridge.

Yeah, you should double-check.

In fact, if anyone, just because I assume their website was hacked to say that it doesn't stand for that, if we have any hackers out there that might want to hack into their website.

Yeah, hack it back.

Hack it back.

Hack it back.

Hack it back to the point where it says says it stands for penis.

For our friends, yes.

Our friends at Ridgewater.

What we're asking is for a freelance hacker to hack the company paying us money and say that their product means penis.

Yeah, so it means the penis tip.

The tip, the tip, the tip of the regerino.

The tip of the penis.

The tip of the penis.

That's what the Marines are, the tip of the cock.

Give me a little tip-touch on my penhole.

If the Marines are the tip of the spear,

is the Army the shaft of the cock?

It is.

And the balls is one of the

Navy, and one ball is the Air Force?

The Merchant Marines.

Air Force is the asshole.

So Ridge Wallet is a brand new type.

This is some Blade Runner shit.

Oh, my God.

I love that.

I use the Ridge Wallet myself.

And here's some language about Ridge to inspire your friends.

I love language.

If you guys are at home trying to figure out your own ad reads for Ridge to tell your friends, because let me tell you, nothing makes friends other than like walking up to a group of strangers and just going into it about a product you enjoy.

Yeah, you go up to the bus stop and you go, what's up?

So, you guys, I guess that's probably that's it.

That's when it stopped being funny.

I've got my fill with the budget.

Well, he could have said anything, folks.

Yeah.

That's the beauty of the beep.

Yeah.

You don't technically have him.

All right, so

I had a big piece of shit wallet.

This company comes moseying down the block.

Oh, yeah.

Pussy on fleek.

And smelling great.

I just said too much shit in my wallet.

Like, literal shit.

Adam, what are you doing?

Nothing.

What kind of wallet do you have?

I have a Ridge wallet.

He has a purse.

He's got a purse.

Well, inside my purse, I have a Ridge wallet.

He's got a...

Elaine.

Elaine, can we get you on the line here on the Howard Stern show?

Yeah, I'm talking to Elaine right now.

Great, let's hear from her.

What kind of wallet does Adam have?

Yeah, she says he's got a purse.

And does he keep it in his own pussy?

He keeps it in his ass.

I got a purse.

Thank you for clarifying.

He's got a pussy and an ass.

No, I don't.

Wow, he's got both.

Yeah.

Got a rich.

Howard.

Robin, do you have a pussy and an ass?

Howard, leave that boy alone.

Shut the fuck up, you fuck.

No, Robin, thank you.

What did you just call me, Howard?

I didn't say anything, you dumb.

Oh my god, Howard.

Please end it with a soft A, Howard.

Please just let it end with a soft A.

No, no,

Howard.

No.

That was the longest.

12 years.

I had to listen to that.

We're on satellite radio.

They didn't say the N-word.

Yeah, so the 12 years of slave.

It's Michael Fastbender just saying that for 12 years.

And then at the end, it's a soft day.

And he gives a guy a high five.

And he's like, all right, go back to New York.

And it's a happy weekend.

That's great.

I never actually saw that.

I used the ridge while with the carbon fiber.

Oh, nice.

But yeah, it's basically just two pieces of fucking metal, aluminum or titanium or carbon fiber or whatever.

Yep.

Held together with elastic.

Yep.

And then it holds all your credit card size.

so it holds all your fucking cards.

I love that, there's a fucking money clip on the back, hell yeah.

And yeah, anybody tries to rob you, you're not fumbling with a wallet, you can get to your everyday carrier Glock

easily.

19, fully automatic.

So, some guy's like, hey, man, you have 25 cents I could borrow.

I was afraid for the lives of me and my fellow officers.

And the police are like, okay, well, you're not a cop, but we'll accept that anyways.

That's acceptable testimony in the United States of America.

Don't want to dye the fat bitch!

Blue Lives Matter, baby.

Go to ridgewallet.com.

Yeah, you carry a lot of points.

Men carry a lot of pointless stuff in their wallets.

Receipts, hotel room keys, spent gift cards,

leather bifolds,

resembling condoms cases more than wallet.

You fuck condoms, dude.

Tell me about that.

Carrying the condoms.

Look, if we weren't talking about gender shit, I'll be real with you.

Yeah.

Be real, dude.

Thank you.

It's a bitch's job to bring condoms.

So fucking true.

The bitches

better be on that condom.

Back in the day, it's like women didn't want to seem like whores, so they didn't carry condoms around.

It's like, we know you're all whores.

Yeah, 100%.

At this point,

this tape keeps getting righter and writer.

It's going, brother.

2019.

You're not fooling anyone.

We're not pretending like this is the first time you decided to fuck somebody in the security hallway.

You will fuck anyone.

Yeah, you will fuck anyone.

Like, sometimes they have to pay you $15 first.

But you think that this, you think that...

That's brave.

Yeah, not only is it brave, but now it's the same thing as reading Karl Marx.

Yes, it is socialism.

It is to get on cam and fuck yourself in the ass.

That sounds pretty chill.

Yeah.

That's cool.

I'll look at a video of that.

Yeah.

Anyways,

Anyway, Ridge Wallet.

With Ridge Wallet,

there's no space for condoms.

It's the bitch's job.

And I got a bumper sticker on my wallet that says no space for condoms.

No space for condoms.

That's the bitch's bitch.

It's a bitch's job.

I'm a feminist, so I carry around a female condom.

A female condom.

You put it in your diaphragm.

A diaphragm.

And you put it in your ass, and they piss in it.

Yeah.

Well,

yeah, but it's with a girl.

Yeah.

So it's not gay.

That's not gay.

It'd be funny to not like not bring condoms or whatever, like to a random hookup.

Yeah.

And then you're like, oh, I don't, like, she's like, I don't have any condoms.

I'm like, I don't either.

I guess, I guess I could just take a shoot in your pussy.

Excuse me.

I'm like, I guess that's the next big thing.

The guy that drives differently.

That's his slick way of.

He's like, I mean, we can give each other head.

I don't really like that.

I don't know.

I mean, I feel because, like, you know, there's also viruses on

stuff from hell.

I might get

chlamydia in my mouth.

I don't know what you're saying.

I'll just shit in your pussy and I'll jack off.

I'm just going to beat off while shit is.

Yeah, it's a clean way of having sex.

But I'll get an infection.

Yeah, but that's not a virus.

You fucking idiot.

You fucking dumb bitch.

Oh, wait, I found condoms.

It's like, fine, I guess I'll take a shit.

I'll be sitting in the condom.

Okay.

I guess.

All right.

you win,

but I can't feel

so you want me to press my asshole up against a plastic condom instead of a warm pussy, yeah, you fucking bitch.

I hate fucking

sex sucks, fucking women's sex sucks,

sex sucks, fucking bitch.

You fucking bitches.

I'm going back to playing video games.

You want to dye, you fat bitch?

Yeah, I'm using the Ridge Wallet with the carbon fiber shit.

I love it.

They gave me too many, and a lot of people have asked me if I can give them one for free.

Nope.

Guess who just

guess who is gifting all of those to my family

for the holidays.

For the holidays.

For the holidays.

Because I've already bought everyone Apple TV, and I have no idea what other.

You did Kindle's

Christmases ago?

Yeah, that was three years ago.

Was that three?

Everyone's got Apple TV.

everybody's got Kindles, and it's like time for a Ridgewall.

At this point, it's like

what the fuck are you getting, people?

Cash?

That's it.

I got my dad.

My mom, I might always get my mom earrings or something.

You can get her a soda stream, support a good cause.

No.

What are you talking about?

Your mom would like come on, man.

Adam.

I know how your mom feels about the place where soda streams come from.

Yeah, get her soda streams, get her the DVD box out of Power Rangers.

Yeah, get her Schindler's list.

She has to have the hand.

My mom's just watching Schindler's List in reverse.

Yeah.

Just rewinding it and smiling.

She loves the beginning.

Yeah.

She loves the early parts.

Where they dismantle the factory and all those people go back into the pod runs.

Go back to the ghetto.

The ridge is a minimal front pocket wallet.

It's designed to streamline what you carry every day.

It has 30,000 five-star reviews and is better to carry your cashing cards.

At this point, it's got to be 40,000 stars.

Oh, yeah.

It is.

I just checked 47,000.

They got a nice bump from folks.

Listen to this.

It's got 30,000 star reviews.

That's almost 100,000 star reviews.

The wallet companies, they're calling me up and they say I've got the juiciest cock they've ever seen.

They had to make a new wallet.

There's women and they're having abortions

out of the pussies.

There's women and they're putting babies inside of the pussies.

And we've got to stop it.

It's got to be stopped.

It's disgusting.

There's a lifetime warranty if you love it, and free returns.

If you don't, it comes in titanium, carbon fiber, aluminum, and over dubbing different dials and colors.

Okay, get 10% off today.

If you were watching this, a really good read.

Nice.

They were going to love this.

Do they listen?

Do they?

We're hitting them with a lot, this one.

Well, I guess they said it's not the dick.

I don't think they like

a lot of people think the reads are designed because they're hard to skip.

But the truth is they're hard for the clients to listen to.

They just have to trust.

They just trust.

People are using the code.

People are using the code.

The promo chode.

The promo code.

So go online, request an engraved wallet with whatever your favorite word is

at ridge.com/slash come town.

Use code ComeTown to get 10% off with free worldwide shipping and returns.

All right.

They got other shit on there, too.

They got a nice backpack we found out last time.

The cell phone.

Yeah.

Cell phone cases.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Wait, my bitch nigga.

Buy your own damn fries.

Obama.

Come on, Barack.

Come on, dude.

Come on, man.

Don't you have to go hang gliding with fucking billionaires?

You fucking piece of shit.

Hey, this is Dwayne The Rock Johnson, and I'm here live on Jeffrey Epstein's Island.

Stop.

Did you see Trump's address to that Jewish organization?

Yeah.

I did not.

It absolutely rocked.

It's good.

Yeah.

And he's crushing in the room, too.

People are like, this is so anti-Semitic, but he's like, you guys are brutal violent people.

Welcome to Adam's News Corner.

What is he?

Does he really say that?

He says, to be fair, to fully contextualize a clip, at the very beginning, he says, a lot of you are real estate guys.

I know you.

I've worked with you.

That's awesome.

He's like, I don't like you.

You don't like me.

He's like, you're killers.

You're cold-blooded killers.

And people leave off the real estate thing.

No, it's in the clip.

It's in the clip, but I mean, it's like he's talking about other people.

He means he knows the real estate.

He's also addressing like a right-wing pro-Israel group, too.

So it's not like

saying they're killers, dude.

Yeah.

And then it's like, I don't know, that clip of Joe Biden last week where he just addresses that guy as fat.

That was awesome.

Listen, fat.

Get your words straight, Jack.

And then he tried to challenge him to push-ups.

And he's like, I'll do push-ups and run anything you want.

He's squaring off with him like it's about to be the Thunderbirds versus the 21st Street.

He's incredible.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not nice people at all, but you have to vote for him.

You have no choice.

You're not going to vote for Pocahontas.

God, you're not going to vote for the wealth tax.

Yeah, let's take a hundred percent of your wealth away.

No, no.

Even if you don't, some of you don't.

Some of you I don't like.

And you're going to be my biggest supporters because you'll be out of business in about 15 minutes if they get it.

Some of you I don't like it at all.

That was awesome.

Yeah.

It's so funny that he is more put together than Joe Biden.

The Democrats are trying to get it.

Get your words straight, Jack.

A purely.

I'll do a push-up contest right now.

This motherfucker's brain is tapioca pudding, dude.

That shit's going to start coming out of his face.

Yeah, maybe if you weren't watching the damn news, you'd be like,

I'm not sedentary.

I want to see, honestly, at this point, like,

you know, I want Bernie, obviously, but if it's not him, I want Biden, dude.

Those would be the best.

How about Blurdeny Sanders?

I would much rather have Biden than fucking Buttigig.

Does it?

Biden versus Trump in a debate.

I guess you're right.

I guess you're right.

That would at least be funny.

I don't care anymore.

Nah, Bernie, brother.

Bernard.

I'll vote, but I mean, it's just,

it hasn't stopped.

Or Dick Bernard.

It hasn't stopped since 2016.

What?

There's been no election?

Yeah.

Well, it's never going to stop.

That's how it works now.

It's just a constant election.

It just is.

It's just trash.

I mean, it'll stop.

I mean, I don't know.

Who knows?

Shit's going to fucking.

The funniest outcome is Mayor Pete beats Trump easily.

That one.

That's the saddest one.

He walks everything back, and then

not a single socialist policy matters.

He doesn't have to walk anything back.

I know, but I mean, it's like.

I mean, he was initially more friendly to.

He used to be a Medicare for all guy very early on.

And then he minces words with regards to it.

I mean, it's it's like he's just so purely a fucking politician.

Like, it's so awesome.

No, that would be the funniest outcome.

It honestly.

He gets the nomination, easily beats Trump, and then

and then and then quietly people at large stop caring about socialist stuff, and then it just sort of gets relegated back to being the communist weirdos that it was.

Yeah, kids for the last like decade or something.

That would be funny, but I don't see it happening, man.

I think the funniest outcome is him.

Everyone who has a Patreon, us included, just loses all the money.

And then

they're trying to figure out what the next thing is.

That would honestly be awesome, dude.

I'm about to work in the Pete Butterjigge White House if it means I'm free.

It is the funniest outcome.

Yeah, yeah.

Just people with 35 different socialism podcasts being like, um,

uh, Brass.

No, I don't think that's true, dude.

Uh, like, the new Star Wars Mandalorian.

This is now a Mandalorian podcast.

We've always talked about the Mandalorian.

It would really harm us.

You know what, dude?

Politics kind of nauseating.

So we're going to take a break.

We're keeping the name Eat the Rich, Kill Fuck Rich Babies podcast.

The

Heckin' Witch Antifa

Eat the Rich Babies

Punch a Nazi podcast is now about a baby Yoda.

Where we discussed different just, you know, just different freaking baby Yoda memes we saw this week.

They're just like

really freaking,

really freaking cool stuff, dude.

Just like, you know what?

Just take a step back and maybe give people the benefit of the doubt.

You know, a lot of this, like, cancel stuff, it's like, yeah,

not the best move.

You know, it's like, maybe

like due process.

I don't even

do that.

Maybe don't do that

Mandalorian podcast.

It would be awesome if everyone just goes back to being bacon guys.

Of course, they will.

Yeah, the yikes Mandalorian.

Nobody wants to admit that they're just fucking like

literally capitalizing on a trend.

Oh, yeah.

Could not more so be doing that.

It's straight up trickle.

Everyone's trickling off Chapo's balls.

Basically.

Everyone's lapping up that water coming off their nutsack.

You're like a baby taking a shower at it.

We're Teflon.

You can't stick any of that shit to us.

Why?

Because we got a motherfucking sound.

Yeah, there it is.

You don't want to die, you fat bitch.

Yeah, I mean, we would be fucked as a noted socialist podcast.

Right.

That would really affect us big time.

Oh, I don't care.

I mean, as long as the whole ship goes down.

No, we'd be actually hilariously fine.

I think we'd be absolutely fine.

But because we're cursed, and it's like we'll never be free.

That's why.

Yeah,

I guess.

And because we'll be doing doing this when we're fucking 80.

That would be hilarious.

Next to the grave of

the dark.

How dare you?

How dare you?

Yeah, I would like to see the podcast bubble burst.

That would be awesome.

That would be great.

And what kind of bitter people that creates.

This would be, yeah, this is such a horrible art form.

And I hate that it's the most, like, the most popping one.

I can't wait for this to happen.

Yeah, like, if Brandon's podcast fell apart, that'd be hilarious.

Yeah.

What would Brandon do?

Well, it's funny to watch Brandon, too, who is our friend.

Yeah, he's our friend.

That's why we're mocking him.

Friend of the show.

Because he is our friend.

Everyone we mock, we're friends with.

Well, because Brandon's only like a couple years younger than us, and he's old now.

He's old.

He's like 27 now.

And like, what will happen when like he ⁇ because he's probably not on TikTok.

No, he's been.

No, he's got to get you.

He's done being young.

It's over.

But there's no, it's not like he can grow up into anything.

No, he's grown up.

He's way into it.

No, you're just going to wait.

He has grown up.

He's embarrassed about Oxcourt DJ.

You're going to wait.

you're gonna watch because it's like you know yeah he'll just it'll be fucking 10 he'll be like that the tony hawk guy yelling at those mexican women and he'll be awesome people well sure maybe

i don't know i'm not saying good or bad it's just interesting to see like youth culture pass up somebody who is so like deeply entrenched in it well that's what happens anytime anyone's like young yeah he's gonna try and do he's gonna try and do the justin biebert cut his hair get sexy thing i think he has he's trying he's trying to be a fits guy now yeah he's trying to be a fashion guy now when He's wearing like suits.

Yeah, he's wearing suits.

That's what I'm saying.

He's trying to be a classic guy.

If he became a fucking classic, if he became a menswear, bro.

He's trying to be a Nation of Islam bow tie guy.

I'm a classic man.

You can be me if you got HIV.

I'm a classic man.

I'm a bathroom man.

You can be me if you poop and be in the bathroom man.

Nice.

That's a good one.

Yeah, baby, I'm the bathroom man.

I'm the bathroom man.

I'm the bathroom, man.

Yeah, I don't know what anybody's gonna do.

What do you mean?

What in the future?

I'm gonna d retire to Baltimore.

Start doing one-man plays.

I'm gonna get that nose job.

Because zoomers are fake.

That's not a real thing.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

There's no generational gap.

Yes, there is.

Why?

Because some people had iPads.

No.

It's it's a there's like people that are slightly older excusing themselves for being bad at the internet.

By being like, well, you know, it's because these kids, it's a different generation.

What do you mean there's no generation?

There is.

Of course, 100%.

They're different than us, the younger motherfuckers.

But they're only slight.

I'd say that there's not a pronounced generational gap between the two that like warrants.

I think there is.

What?

Like, between us and like, what, a fucking 15-year-old?

Between somebody like 19, 20.

Yeah, dude.

There is, bro.

There is.

I don't know what it is because we're old.

That's the thing.

You don't know because you're old.

No, because we never went to school with like trans kids, for instance.

Like, that kind of stuff isn't as big a deal.

I think, like, virtue signaling isn't as big a deal to them because that stuff is, like, more normative to them.

I think that that's such a minor distinction.

Why?

Because I think all of us, like, did shit that we regret when we were younger as millennials.

They probably did.

And then saw a cultural shift.

No,

the biggest things are, like, the ubiquity of the internet and, like, 9-11.

And it's like, I don't, I mean, I guess, yeah, there's.

they don't remember 9-11.

Here's the thing, man.

You talk to people who like, you know, I remember dating a girl that's probably like 24.

14.

She's like 28 now.

This is you.

You're the pedaphor.

You're the pedaphor.

Let me make it clear.

Yeah, you both did.

You are the one who's the pedaphor.

And speak up now if you disagree.

Yeah.

You muted my mic.

You muted my mic.

Well, Adam's used to.

Oh, Adam.

What the fuck, dude?

You muted me.

Oh, sorry.

I'm back.

Anyways.

Yeah, no, but it's like, she grew up in like California, and she's like, yeah, I remember seeing 9-11.

I had no idea what the Twin Towers were or anything.

Well, that's okay.

That's just one person.

Yeah, but we only care about hot people.

That's also true.

So 9-11 never mattered to me.

Yeah, that's true.

I don't know.

Here's the thing.

I'm fucking stupid and I'm not thinking about it.

But I just, of course, there's going to be differences that we as old motherfuckers just don't get.

Because that's just how the world works, Papito.

Sure, yes.

And I'm saying there will be some sort of

division or like demarcation point, I guess, like between this generation and the next one.

I don't think it's like what's identified as Zoomers and millennials are like

clearly distinct cohorts.

Going back to my theory, if we have multiple kids, like if I have multiple kids, they'll probably be dating each other, having sex with animals.

No, you know, yeah, absolutely.

You'll be having sex with them.

You either.

I'm not going to be having sex with them.

You're going to be like a dead ass?

Can we have sex all together?

Yeah, let's add an extra I to the LGBTQ IA.

That's your big favorite.

For incest.

That's your big move.

No, that's, you know, you know my theory.

Yeah.

I don't think incest is coming up, but

what do I know?

We don't have to get into this.

It used to be with younger people, there used to be

a clear difference between high school and college because

the only way people in high school would get access to what people in college are consuming is when their older brother or sister came home from like the holidays.

Gave them that REM record.

Literally, yes.

I mean like exactly that kind of shit.

And it's like with the internet that doesn't exist anymore.

So it like

really muddies any kind of like generational distinction.

Well then the kids are grown up fast then.

Or now people are locked in a state of like permanent adolescence.

Well that's true.

Like the amount of people that are like

you know that they're like to the extent that they're like left or activists or whatever.

I mean it sounds exactly like people I knew who like were into Rage Against the Machine when they were fucking 12 years old.

It's like it's it's childish LARPing.

You're responding to leftist activism on the internet?

Yeah, a lot of the aesthetic of it.

I mean sure.

It's like there's a difference between

not the actual thing, but I mean yeah, if you have like a like a fucking account with a profile picture of like Karl Marx or whoever, I mean clearly this is like an aesthetic that you're curating.

Mine's Chris Bosch, personally.

That's true.

Power Forward.

Chris Bosch.

And I do it because he's black.

Oh, yeah.

So you can.

Digital blackface.

You digital blackface.

And I'm sure there's like

an example with anybody that's like a

fascist or whatever.

I mean, just not paying attention to it.

I don't know if Pepe is still even a fucking thing.

It's Groiper now.

Is that the same thing?

Is it the same thing?

I think it's an uglier Pepe.

And no, I think Pepe

can be left now.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Dem sucks

or

people that are like...

I don't

fucking give a shit.

This shit is gay.

Yeah, that is.

It is.

I wish I could get a little bit of a game.

I'll let you figure out how to fill 10 minutes.

I will, dude.

How about this?

Okay, you want me to?

Not plugging dates.

You want me to?

I got a good one for you.

Next week is the last funny moms of the year.

What date is that?

That is the 16th.

I said literally.

Hold on.

Adam, not plugging.

I said not plugging dates.

So I have one for you.

Oh, go.

Is it worse to circumcise a baby with to suck its dick?

What?

Circumcise 100%.

But then worse.

What about doing both?

That's true.

Can you imagine if there was a culture?

Oh, yeah, that would be horrible.

It's a very rare thing.

Now we're back on track.

No, see?

I told you.

And I honestly mean this.

I think it's literally worse to circumcise a baby than to suck its dick.

Look, if you don't care,

whatever the conversation is, then come in with the hypotheticals.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

I'm sorry if you got shamed out of bringing the hypotheticals in or the other words.

that's not so can we talk about it absolutely we can talk about it so we would much rather talk about that so let's do it do you I because I I don't want to say my point I know what your point is and it's a very rare thing and it only happens no certainly I'm not I'm not no that's Nick's point Nick is coming with the anti-Semitism I am coming with purely it's barbaric to chop a baby's penis I've to answer honestly yes I don't know even if I marry a Jewish woman I don't know if I will certainly no one asked you what you're gonna do do.

What is worse is the question.

No,

what I'm going to do is suck my baby.

No, I'm not saying you suck it.

Yeah.

Gun to his head.

Can we isolate that and say I'm going to suck my baby's dick?

No, no, stop.

We can.

To answer honestly, I don't know if I will do that.

I think

it's weird.

I asked you if a baby...

I answered you.

Not your baby, right?

In theory, is it worse for a baby to have gotten its dick sucked by a random person or to get part of its cock chopped off?

What is worse for it

in the long term?

You just muted my mic.

Oh, no, I'm back.

Nick, what are you doing on the board?

Can we engage in discussion?

Mike again.

Okay, now I'm back.

Is there any evidence that it has any

lasting

traumatic impact?

I'm trying to get clean audio of him by himself saying he would suck a baby.

I see.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Yeah.

Oh, right, because we're doing it in one channel.

We're doing it in one channel.

I see.

I see.

Oh, we're just, yeah.

And now, no, but you told me what you wanted to do.

I'm not going to do it now.

I'm not going to walk into this trap.

Do you feel all alone?

I do feel all alone.

I don't like it.

I feel like I'm on the

Bill Burr Monday podcast.

Just me solo ranting about Boston sports.

No,

I think that it is.

I don't know about the psychological impact of what would happen to a baby that got their dick sucked.

I don't think it's that bad.

I don't think it could be bad.

I don't think it could be as bad as getting your penis ripped off.

Circumcising a penis is not getting your penis sucked.

But dude, getting your little baby dick sucked for like a set, like 10 seconds,

it's like getting a bath, probably.

It just feels nice and warm for a second.

Yeah, but I think that maybe if a baby is not smart, like a

three-day-old baby is definitely not getting like the psychological damage of being molested.

Okay, but here's the thing, okay?

This is another question, charter schools.

Good or bad.

You know, when you meet like a French person, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they're like, they say things that are like extra cringe.

And like, because they, like, in Europe, like, they're like, oh, have you ever heard of like

Bob Dylan?

Like, those kind kind of guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Those guys are really fucking horrible.

You're right.

Anyone who would bring that up is embarrassing.

I would never say, have you ever heard of Bob Dylan?

That's a stupid thing.

No, you would just throw in the documentary and start crying.

I wasn't crying to the documentary, and you guys didn't even last long enough to know what the point.

He's in his room crying.

What's your take on this issue, Nick?

Hold on.

Let's hear Adam.

Let's hear Adam's take from inside his bedroom.

Go ahead, Adam.

What are we even talking about?

He's in hiding in his bedroom.

Can you come out, dude?

Adam, can you just please come out?

You don't have to cry in your bedroom.

I'm not in my bedroom right now.

You just changed my microphone to make a comment.

He's crying in there,

folks.

All right, well, you know, that's the thing I want to talk about.

And since we're done talking, I guess no one wants to engage me honestly with beautiful discussion.

I thought we agreed with you.

Is there any other news stuff we got to come to?

No, I already saw the generation stuff.

So please come to settled.

Come to Funny Moms, the final one of the year, the 16th.

We're going to get all our friends'

favorite guests.

It's going to be a fun show.

It's going to talk about Brandon's future.

That's settled.

Yeah, Brandon's done.

Come to Houston this weekend.

Come to Fat Tuesdays at the stand on the 17th.

Where are you going?

Bathroom again to have diarrhea?

And then it's not, I haven't, these aren't getting released yet, but Milwaukee, Appleton, Lincoln Lodge, Chicago.

To have his period.

I will be there the 29th, 30th, 31st, and 1st.

He's going to be at Lincoln Lodge of January and February.

Dwayne The Rock Johnson here for the Lincoln Lodge.

I'm going to be at the Comedy Connection in Providence the 6th through the 8th.

6th through the 8th.

The tickets are free.

They are not free.

They cost money.

I'm going to be in Hyenas at Plano, Texas.

Vagininas?

Vagininas, the 13th through the 15th, Valentine's Day.

Come be my Valentines.

Tymininas.

And then I'm going to be at the D.C.

Draft House the 20th through the 22nd, full-ass February.

I will be in San Diego in February for a funeral.

One of my family members is dead.

And if you can guess who, then you get $20

off.

Awesome dude.

DwayneTheRockJohnson.com.

And then I think I'm going to fucking London and Dublin.

And maybe some other shit.

So anyway, come suck us off.

Come fuck me.

Come see me on the fucking road.

Fat Tuesdays every Tuesday starting on the.

That's a busy February.

I'm going a lot on February, brother.

Damn.

We're going to have to work that out.

No, I'm here, though, because it's all weekends.

So it's like.

So it's not.

It's not a lot of travel.

I'm just like,

we could probably stick to the regular schedule for most of the day.

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Gotcha.

What's that?

Pass you what?

I gotta ask you about that, too.

I'm gonna be

in Tokyo at the end of January.

But if you are an English speaker, I'm gonna be having a show for no English speakers.

We're recording my special.

It's going to be me in a room of Japanese people that do not speak English.

That would be awesome.

And I'm going to do a little bit of my poo-poo kaka.

I'm going to do all my classy crush.

And I'm going to be Adam and doing Japanese comedy.

No, that's going to be in English.

I'm going to do some of my thoughts on Kuruki Igaranaku.

That's not what I sound like.

Igaranaku?

Alright, thanks a lot.

Igaranaku?

No, don't press any buttons.

I'm not gonna be.

I'm not gonna press it.

I don't know.

Alright, guys, that's the fucking show.

That's the show.

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