Ep. 177 – squash me up

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Depressed.

Okay.

We're recording.

I didn't check the levels, but.

Check.

Check.

Check.

Check.

Check.

Check.

Wait.

Check.

Check.

Maybe mine's not even plugged in.

Oh, I'm just low.

Okay.

Yeah, fuck it.

You guys get to hear all this stuff.

This counts.

That's behind the curtain.

Behind the curtain and

above the penis.

You ever heard of that shit, Adam?

What's above the penis?

Your stomach?

No, let's keep all this below the penis.

Oh, wait, Nick's not even plugged in.

No hits below the penis.

Damn, stop saying funny shit, dude.

You're not.

It's not picking you up.

It should be.

You know what?

You might want to fuck with the headphones.

Yeah, we've got one, two.

And check, check.

No, no, you're not.

Well, this is all going in, guys.

Yeah, this counts for an hour.

Nope, still not, and still nothing.

Oh, it just wasn't plugged in.

There we go.

The wire literally was just loose.

I think, yeah, Nick just said something about keeping it above the penis.

Keeping it below the penis.

Let's keep it below the penis.

Oh, let's keep it below the penis.

I want a good clean fight, no hits above or below the penis.

Penis shots only.

Straight penis shots.

I want a good clean penis fight.

Fellas, you know the rules.

Only shots above and below

and below the penis, not allowed.

Only directly on top of the penis.

Clean, sexual fight.

Sexually.

Two guys slapping each other's cocks in a ring

hundreds of thousands of Chinese men in the audience watching.

Two giant Russians hit each other's cocks.

Not even screaming, just politely applauding.

Just silently.

Gasping and applauding.

Just a very subdued audience.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, God, that sounds great.

Well, everyone, this is a bonus app, but we are.

Wait.

No, this is the regular app.

When is the regular app?

But we are recording it on Columbus Day.

And on the eve of another momentous.

Well, no, you're not getting the tooth.

You're getting extra fittings.

I'm going to, yes, I'm getting, I'm going, I'm taking a train after this podcast.

I'm taking the Amtrak to Baltimore Penn Station, where my little brother will pick me up.

Or we will maybe go to Royal Farms afterwards.

Who knows?

By your brother's house.

Yes, my house.

You'll do that drive through

East Baltimore.

Through East Baltimore.

Through East Baltimore.

Some of the worst.

That's a horrible.

Penn Station is to Greektown is 18.

Yeah, I took an Uber when I went to your brother's house last time.

That is Trail of Tears.

That's where Chinese restaurant is, Nick.

Remember that one?

Green Mountain Avenue.

You passed that?

Sorry, I'm trying to get all of this shit set up for.

No worries, man.

But yeah, and I will be going, and then I will be going to Rosedale.

Maryland, which we haven't really a not a not heralded suburb.

We've definitely spoken.

We've spoken spoken of Dundalk quite a bit.

You know, we've done a lot of the DC suburbs.

Rosedale, however, you know, maybe a bit of a classier Dundalk.

There's lots of motels where I suspect

prostitutes are hired and fucked.

Probably anonymous gay sex happens there.

I would have to guess.

There's one called the El Rich Motel that I pass that looks like a horror's den,

particularly.

That's where I played soccer.

Youth soccer was in the Rosedale League, in case anyone's wondering.

Yes, and I was an all-star, and I was offered to be on the travel team, but I had too many Greek school obligations.

Otherwise, I would have.

Anyway, I will be going there, and I will be getting x-rayed, and I will be getting fitted for an implant.

And then two weeks after that, on Halloween week,

I will have an implant.

And your costume costume will be a man with a full set of tooth.

Yeah, the one week of the year that it's acceptable to not have a tooth.

I will actually have one.

Yeah, you've been looking like a Jack-O'Lantern for two years now, and I couldn't hold off.

Maybe, yeah, maybe I'll put a little light in my mouth.

A little what?

A little light in my mouth these last couple weeks.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to miss it, dude.

I'm going to miss not having a tooth.

It's fun.

What if it was your power?

Like Samson?

I'm like reverse Samson.

Well, with hair, but yeah, whatever.

What if you come back with a tooth, but also hair plugs?

I'm like, yeah, I don't know.

Something weird happens.

I don't know.

I go away for a week.

Yeah, I need a week for the tooth to heal, and I just come back with beautiful hair.

Dude, a friend of ours, and I won't put him on blast because he's not going to do it, and he doesn't need to, but he was considering getting going to the best guy in LA for plugs.

Beverly Hills.

But maybe I should go do it.

By hair plug to the stars.

No.

Who else is bald?

No one's but the guy isn't even bald.

He's just like fucking worried about his hairline.

Guys, you don't want to put on blast.

It's Evan Williams.

It's Evan Williams?

No, it's not.

Yeah, Evan Williams' hairline is fine.

He looks great.

I think

a different balder friend of his was discussing it, and I will not put him on blast.

Oh.

Okay.

But But anyway, maybe I should go.

I think it would cost like $50,000.

Should I spend that much money?

$50,000?

Yeah, if you're this old.

To not be bald.

I mean, yes, of course you should do it.

You should 1 million percent do that.

Dude, it wouldn't be awesome if I had hair, dude.

But you can't apparently you can't fucking sweat.

You can't do any exercise, which is going to be an issue for me.

Yeah.

Because I've been doing yoga.

Wait, you can't do exercise?

No, you can't.

Your hair, your head, you can't do any you can't do any trauma to your head whatsoever.

That's why the bronze plugs always fall out.

I guess so.

It just gets new plugs every off-season?

That's what you have to do.

No, there's like a month where you can't do shit.

Oh, for a month.

Yeah.

That's not bad.

What do you mean you can't do it?

You can't like move your eyebrows?

Yeah, dude.

You can't really move your head at all.

No, dude.

I can't have, you know, athletic sex.

What is the handlebars?

You're going to have to, like, go back into broken foot mode.

I can't go back there, dude.

I can never go back to that mode, dude.

I'll kill myself before I go back there.

What do fat people having sex even look like?

I can't even imagine it.

Powerful.

Beautiful.

Fat.

Two bodies.

Yeah, how do you slow down?

Because of the mass that you're bringing.

Yes, how do you slow it down right before

impact?

You got to slow it down.

Sure.

You want to blast her through the wall, you know?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

And it is a problem.

And that's why I think that's a lot of where my.

Damn, this is what he looks like.

Let me see.

This is what he looks like when he fucks.

Let me see.

First of all, no, it's not.

Yeah, 100%.

That lady is holding.

Oh,

no, that's not.

Those are two guys, aren't they?

Yeah, this is what he looks like.

You just can't tell.

Damn, bro.

No, I look beautiful when I fuck.

Thank you very much.

I look great.

But you can't go in full pump without pulling back.

He has to hold his stomach up.

Oh, my God.

I don't have to hold my stomach back to fuck.

I do not.

You have to lift it up.

Now, you know,

sometimes, depending on the position, is it

challenging?

He looks like Stav's penis, too.

Let me see.

Damn.

Awesome and tasty looking.

for one.

That dick sucks.

No, that's you.

No, come on, man.

That's not what my dick looks like.

Yeah, it is.

And I'm not that fat.

Yeah, here's you and Eldis.

Yeah.

Nick's not even on the internet.

There's the pictures of fat man having gay sex just in his albums.

Yeah, called Stav and Eldis having sex.

That's how you get around it.

Stav and Eldis having sex.

I'm making fun of my friend.

Starve and Eldis Elders.

I'm not gay.

L-O-L.

Dude, at a certain point, like, your game of gay chicken that you've been playing with Eldis your entire life is going to result in some of the things.

I know, I know.

I'm really stupid.

It's going to result in

full penetrative homosexual sex.

I don't think I will.

I don't think it'll be full penetrative, but I can easily see Eldis sucking my cock and me being like, no.

Like, he's put his face really close to my head.

I don't want to lose.

Literally, dude.

Yeah.

I almost touched his dick once and it was it was too close for it was too close

Too close for comfort too close for comfort dude, but anyway, but we've chilled back.

We haven't really played that much gay chicken because his girlfriend lives with us now

out of respect out of respect out of respect once he's single again dude or if they live in God forbid or if they live in a different apartment if they move out and he comes to visit and it's just the boys yeah she can't be under the same roof though yeah absolutely that's cheating It would be cheating if she's there.

But if she's not, it's all boys having fun.

Are you still looking at fat people having sex?

Yeah, I was trying to find a good one.

Yeah.

You know, it's a lot of

just re, you know, I think the normal way most people have sex, but

with some stretching.

So that I don't pull a hamstring.

I imagine it's safer if you're on the bottom.

Well, sure, but you know, that's a bracing yourself is an upper body exercise.

Yeah, she has to balance sort of like on one of those exercise balls that people

sit at their desks at in one of those cool offices.

Yeah, absolutely.

But I will say, I have no issues getting on top.

And you can really.

See, here's the problem.

I'm fat, but I also have to make

use of a you know very small penis.

Not very small.

Not very small.

Nice, but not showstopping.

I'll put it that way.

It's not a showstopper.

So being on top is how you, with certain angles, is how you really make use of a limited, let's say, penis.

I heard a description for my dick once that really hurt my feelings

called boyfriend penis.

Yeah, you've talked about that.

This is where you say, like, something that really hurts my feelings is that it doesn't hurt women.

I don't know.

compliments.

No,

is that you compliment yourself.

It's not completely different.

I was really upset the other day because someone said I was really handsome.

Is that my dick can't blow anyone's back out?

Somebody told me that I was really handsome.

Well,

that's only because you don't have the effort, dude.

Oh, because I'm lazy.

You're lazy.

I have tenacity in the

bay room.

No, you don't.

Uh-oh.

Looks like there's a bunch of bugs in the ceiling fan again.

Oh, man.

That's dangerous.

I don't even know how you clean that out.

You go to the fan.

You ever clean the top of your fan once a year and you're like, oh, damn, I'm a mess.

Yeah, this sucks.

I'm breathing in this bullshit.

What is that?

Is that dead skin?

Dead skin.

I did the under-the-bed dust today.

In your case, it's liquefied cum of other men, or

not liquefied, but

aired cum of men.

Sure.

Something like that.

Atomized.

Atomized.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I hate having to fucking dust the corners of rooms.

I think I got that tobacco too hot and it didn't taste good that time.

It smelled good.

It smells good, but I burned it or something and it burned my mouth when I was inhaling it

or puffing on it.

Nick was doing some he was doing some casework with his pipe.

I was doing pipe smoke.

We were solving the case of,

I guess I shouldn't remember.

It's redacted, but.

Yeah, redacted.

But it's something you guys would love to hear.

You would love to hear it.

We've got new information.

We will not yeah, we'll never tell you guys.

We'll never tell you, but believe me, you'd love it.

No matter how many DMs we get, yep, yeah, say, motherfucker,

what was that?

Suck our hardcock.

It's Christopher Columbus Day.

Italian Martin Luther, Dago Martin Luther King.

Brian has prepared a book report on Christopher Columbus that he's going to read for us.

So, Brian, thank you, everyone.

As you know, my family is Italian.

He's doing an Italian accent, everyone.

My family is a good person.

Makes a New Jersey accent.

My name is Brian, and I'm Italian.

And I'm from where, Sicily?

A lot of people didn't used to consider people like me human just because we're Italian.

They would put us in special hospitals where you had to stay in the dark flowing feces at other Italian people.

And it wasn't until Geraldo did a special on

the hospital in Staten Island where they kept Italians that they stopped tweeting us like this.

Thank you, Brian.

Very good.

Good.

And that's the story of Columbus Day.

Okay.

Thank you, Brian.

That was very good and informative.

Yeah.

Isn't it great that we're helping him by giving him our intern?

Brian.

Brian, yeah, he does great work.

Brian.

He's actually Brian DeFigli at

Gugliobangio.

Brian

DeFiglia Gugliobanglio.

Brian de Trisome.

The Trisome Chromazongio.

That's his last name, huh?

Yeah, he's a talent.

From his island.

From his village.

From his mind.

From the other side.

Yeah.

I saw a guy, I was walking in the city, and I saw just some fucking guy in a tank top, just old as shit, tan as shit, like leathery, curly, balding ass hair.

And he was just dressed in like fucking, you know, Dago colors.

And he was holding up a red, green, and white sign that said elect Cuomo.

It's like, what?

Is he even running for anything?

No, right?

There's always more Cuomos.

Yeah, they reproduce like Agent Smith.

So where there's the guy on TV and there's the guy that's governor, right?

Yeah.

The governor is dirty, dude.

They're like the Andrettis.

They're like the bald ones.

Yeah.

They're like

the Andretti family.

There's Mario Andretti, Luigi Andretti, Wario Andretti, Yoshi Andretti.

I didn't know that.

Yeah.

Bowser.

Yeah, Bowser Andretti.

Princess Peach Andretti.

No, that's from Mario.

That's from Super Mario.

Yeah, dude.

Oh, sorry.

A man's name would be Princess Peach.

Yeah.

No, it's the girl.

Dude, you are so stupid.

You're fucking dumb as shit, dude.

You're so stupid, dude.

Whatever, bro.

You're fucking stupid.

The governor is single, apparently.

He's divorced.

The governor of what?

New York, Cuomo, dude.

New York has a governor?

He was doing.

He's getting pussy now, dude.

Probably.

He was doing a Columbus Day Italian thing where he was talking in Italian today.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

Can he speak Italian?

I don't know.

I don't know Italian, but it sounded like.

It's so funny that people are proud to be Italian.

Yeah, it's such a shameful thing.

If there's one thing I'm proud of being, it's Italian.

But it sounds like guys that have been here, their families have been here like six generations.

You're not Italian, bro.

You're just a fucking Mayo-ass, cracker ass white boy.

Unlike me, a Mediterranean, a true Mediterranean American.

A minority in this country.

Trans people are Mediterranean, too.

Is that so?

I don't know.

I think I think that's what Mediterranean means.

No, it doesn't.

It means we are halfway below the earth.

Mm-hmm.

Half.

What's the other half?

They they got one foot in the grave, one foot in the doctor's office.

Living life a quarter mile at a time.

I don't I mean, I guess the rates of murder for trans women in particular is pretty high.

I guess.

That's what you're talking about.

Is that what you mean by one foot in the grave?

Yeah, that's the point he was making.

Let's just move on.

I've got clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right.

Suck in opinion.

They really missed out their opportunity to play that during the.

Dude,

you should direct.

You should do a fan edit of Joker.

Whereas Dancing on the Steps

is stuck in the middle with you.

They say I'm handsome and that I have my boyfriend penis.

My penis is the kind you'd want to be in a committed relationship with.

That's

a good thing.

I have to broadcast this really hurtful insult to

a quarter million people every six months on my podcast.

I have to announce to everyone that somebody.

I don't remember what I say on this.

A really mean thing.

We all,

you're bad, Murray.

Whatever the fuck the Robert De Niro character is.

I I don't care that your dick is huge, Robert De Niro.

Now I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna kill you too.

Your dick is big,

fuck this old man.

Knock, knock, who's there?

And then it's like a joke that I said like three weeks ago, and Robert De Niro's like, You can't do that, Joker.

That's someone else's joke.

You can't just go on TV stealing people's jokes, Joker.

Why not?

Why can't I do other people's jokes?

Continue.

Keep going.

And then you kill Robert De Niro because his dick is bigger than yours.

I wouldn't be brave enough to do that on TV.

Well, what if somebody else did it three weeks before?

Then I wouldn't live.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what your Joker is: some other guy trying to do the same shit three weeks later.

Yeah, trying to make my bomb video go viral.

Yeah, you kill someone on public access in the same makeup.

I have, what's it called?

Mental illness?

Sorry, I have a condition where I laugh at my own jokes only.

Where I only laugh at.

I don't laugh at my own jokes.

Sorry, ma'am.

Stop bothering my son.

I wasn't.

I was just trying to take a picture of him to post on the internet because I wanted to make fun of your son for being black, but indirectly I've never done that before

I'm sorry I was just trying to post a picture of your black son on Instagram

and point out that he's wearing Steve Harvey's clothes but he's a black baby

I would love to see a baby like that I know I would too but I would never take a picture of it and post it on Instagram that's true that's that's what I call my joker line whoa yeah

So even the Jokers have lines.

I've never identified with the Joker, but I do identify with the Clock King.

The Clock King?

Who's that?

He just loves clocks.

Is that a

crime?

That's a Batman villain that just loves clocks.

Oh, shit.

Damn.

You know what's a good one?

Is the guy that's the puppet guy?

I like that guy.

Mr.

Pixelixa.

That guy was really scary to me.

That guy was fucked up.

Mixed Pixelix,

that motherfucker?

I guess.

Yeah, this dude.

He's got his glasses on.

Oh, yeah.

That's kind of a stretch, dude.

What do you mean?

He's a guy that that likes clocks.

Yeah, look at his tie.

It's got clocks on it.

It kind of sucks, actually.

I think it's cool.

That's kind of a gay villain, if I'm being honest with you.

No, because people are like, do you know what time it is?

And then he lies about it.

And then they're late.

Wow, that's fucked up.

And that will fuck up your job interview, for example.

Yeah.

Or a date or

a reservation to Momofuku.

How about when they did him as a black guy?

He's cool now, huh?

He is actually cooler.

Legitimately, he does look much cooler.

The clock guy?

Yeah.

Because he's wearing T, a chain that says T for time, I guess.

Yeah, because he goes by T

Is it just Mr.

T?

Mr.

Time.

Time declock.

I'm bit of the fool that do not say they watch correct.

Damn.

Yeah, look at this.

Look at his cool fucking face tattoo.

Oh, he's got a Michael, Michael, Mike Tyson.

But it's a clock.

Yeah.

Dude, Black Clocking, bro.

Black Clocking is actually an awesome villain, dude.

Yeah, see, I picked a good one.

You did.

I knew

there was something there that even when I thought the character was white, there was something in the essence of the character that the flavor both me and the black community can appreciate

something that finally bridged the gap between you and the black community is black time king yeah and it's it's me it's me and a black woman shaking hands over the gap between cornell west teeth

we're both standing on either side on this okay and we're shaking hands that's good yeah like the meme look at this guy that one's one's terrible.

That one sucks a dick.

The British clock king.

The British Clock King can suck my cock.

I should get into watches.

Because I'll tell you what I have gotten into is wallets.

As many of you know, my wallet was eaten by

a Hasidic family when I was walking through Williamsburg.

I don't know.

And they were attracted.

They made it.

It fell.

It housed money in it.

It fell out of my pocket.

My wallet fell out of my pocket.

And they scurried up and gone.

It's a little too

enthusiastic of a laugh, I think.

Sorry, man.

Trying to replace my wallet.

It's absurd.

It's absurd.

That's why it's funny.

You do absurdist humor.

No, they do eat wallets.

Yeah, it's true.

Soft leather wallet.

Well, I always had a nice big fat leather wallet.

That was my shit, you know?

Yes.

I kept that system for a long time.

When I wanted to replace it, I thought, oh, time to get another big fat leather wallet.

Fat wallet, like a pussy.

Instead, I got one of these new

neoliberal wallets.

Pete Buttage Edge type shit.

Yeah, I don't know.

I think they're called low-profile wallets or something.

But this company, Ridge,

which

I know I asked for a wallet and I said, anybody but Lewis recommend a wallet.

And I guess Lewis also uses it, but I'm going to pretend like he does.

For the purposes of this.

And for your life.

Lewis uses a purse.

Lewis, yeah, has a pink purse.

Lewis has a girl used purse.

A woman's purse that he takes into the bathroom to pull his tampons out of.

Not me, though.

I use the Ridge wallet now,

which took a minute to get used to because it's you know there's not it's just two pieces of i guess mine's carbon fiber but oh shit some of them are steel or aluminum and they obliterate orthodox juice teeth yeah dude i saw a child a child with a yamka try and eat this one and it cracked his well they're rfid blocking which the the

chemicals that they pick up on are blocked by the wallet what's rfid

um yeah what does that mean i saw that and i like it so you can't get hacked or something Yeah, I guess if like, because now cards have like the chip NFC shit on them or whatever,

if you like walk by, somebody can use Apple Pay on your.

Oh, shit.

But not with the Ridge Wallet, motherfucker.

Yeah, not with the Ridge wallet.

It's very sleek.

There's two metal plates bound together by a durable elastic band.

And it looks nothing like a traditional wallet.

No.

It kind of looks like a weapon.

I like to spin mine around when I'm on public transit, so people have to worry.

They're like, is this guy gonna is that a knife?

He looks crazy.

Laughing like that.

This guy is twisted.

Titanium, carbon fiber, and aluminum options ensure there's an option for everyone.

That's right.

Unless.

Aluminum.

Adam, because it sucks.

Titanium, mead.

Aluminum's all right.

Carbon fiber, me, because I'm into

speed.

That's right.

It's mostly aerodynamic.

Yeah.

Adam just has his shit wrapped up in aluminum foil.

Well, you guys didn't take, they gave us one.

Oh, I have one and I use it.

Well, I mean, I legitimately started using it.

And I'm probably, I'm going to, I'm going to.

Do you put it in your back pocket?

It's comfortable?

You can put it in any pocket.

But I'm a back pocket kind of guy.

Why?

What do you think this is?

The 50s?

Fuck back pocket wallets.

Actually, you know what?

Fuck back pocket wall.

Oh, here we go.

Look,

this is in the email for them.

The Ridge wallet is a minimal front pocket wallet that's designed to streamline what you carry every day.

Pussies that put their shit in the back need not a moment.

Yeah, Adam likes to put his stuff in the back that advertises advertises the goods.

It's closer to his ass.

Yeah, he's showing, he leans over on the train.

He's like,

it's hot out there today, huh, boys?

People are like, man, it's fucking October.

Put your ass, get your ass, put your ass away, man.

You're holding your wallet with your ass cheeks.

That wallet looks awesome.

I love the carbon fiber between your ass cheeks.

Man, that's a nice wallet, but I'm pretty sure that's a front, a minimalist

front pocket wallet.

Get it

between your ass cheeks.

You hold with your ass cheeks to show everyone how tight your ass cheeks is.

I know it's streamlined and sleek.

And it is the perfect thing to show how tight your ass is.

Yeah.

Because how sleek it is.

But get it out of there.

Yeah.

But yeah, no, it definitely pairs down your shit so you're not carrying a bunch of extra stuff you don't want.

Because I had a Models card in my wallet for years.

Gotta go to Moe's.

And every time I would go to empty out my wallet, I'd be be like, well, what if I

have 3,000 Models?

What if I go to Model's?

Yeah, there's no way they can look up my phone number.

I mean,

I don't know.

I'm going to Starbucks right now, but what if I end up at Model's?

You never know.

You never know when you're going to be there.

But now, thanks to the Ridgewall, it's confined me to my apartment because all of my loyalty programs, I've thrown them all away.

Nick only has the bare necessities.

The bare necessities.

My debit card.

The emergency card.

Four extra small condoms.

That blames my death on Adam.

Let me reiterate: four extra small condoms.

In case my good friend Stars.

No, not in case of that.

In case my friend Star comes over and says, buddy, you've got to help me.

I accidentally ate all of my condoms.

No, for yourself.

Not for me.

I don't eat condoms.

I don't even eat condoms.

I put a bunch of Hershey's kisses in my condoms and ate them so I could smuggle candy under the plane.

I have a flight later.

I had to smuggle condoms.

You can bring candy on.

I've reached the candy limit.

There's no such thing.

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Anyways, let's start the show.

Bow bow.

Ticket ticket ticket ticket bow.

Bitter than winning and round.

It's fucking calm town.

Low T Tuesdays with Adam.

Take it away, Adam.

What kind of gay shit do you need to fucking tell everybody about?

Take it away.

I'm trying to get a higher thread count sheet.

That's gay.

Yeah.

That's gay.

Why do you even need sheets?

You're single.

We don't have sheets.

No, I got these like sheets that are sateen, and I always sweat through.

They have like a sateen something.

I want that shit.

And I want just a basic cotton so I don't sweat every night.

Damn.

So I'll be waking up in my sweat.

Damn, that is some low tea sheet.

And that's my low-type t-shirt.

Adam's gay.

All right.

Welcome to Come Town, everybody.

Oh, oh, oh.

It's the Tom Joyner Morning Show.

How you doing, Sybil?

We got gay Adam here this morning.

Hey, Tom.

Yeah, apparently this man is gay.

This is one of the gayest boys I have ever seen.

Would you go on the Tom Joyner Morning Show, Adam?

Well, yeah, I mean, any shower's got to be, what, like 172 years years old?

Is he still doing it?

I don't think he's that old.

Am I thinking of a different guy?

I never heard him.

I guess he's born in 49.

49.

All right.

Yeah, so he's 69 years old.

Nice.

That's not that old, you know?

Yeah.

People can be, you know, viable into their early 70s.

Oh, yeah.

This is great.

So if you go to the Wikipedia page for the Tom Jordan Morning Show, it says it can be heard on mobile devices and on the Xbox 360 console via iHeartRadio.

Featured personalities, Tom Joyner, J.

Anthony Brown, Sybil Wilkes, Tyrell Zimmerman.

Whoa.

I remember there was always somebody laughing off mic.

Yeah.

That was like the whole show.

The producer?

Somebody way off mic, just standing in the doorway.

The Ricky Smiley Morning Show basically stole that formula, but they added a gay guy.

Does the Tom Joyner Morning Show have have a gay guy?

Ricky Smiley has a gay guy that does gossip.

I've never

Tom Joyner Morning Show ends this year.

What?

Joyner announced in 2017 that the show would end when it reaches its 25th anniversary in syndication, a milestone that will be reached in 2019.

Damn, I mean, good for Tom.

Was it just a morning show?

He has a morning show.

It's called the Tom Joyner Morning Show.

I mean, like, did he play music or is it just like chat?

You know what a morning show is, man.

You know what a morning show is, man.

Did he play music?

Yes.

Yes, of course.

Some of them they don't.

They just chat.

No, that's a morning drive time.

That's morning drive time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, they put even those play music.

Like intro music after commercials.

Nah, bro.

They'll play a song every once in a while, bro.

The junkies.

The best was when they gave Joe Robinson his own show on 98 Rock, and he would talk, and the show would be hilarious.

And then he was like, all right, I guess I got to play like this gay music that people listen to this radio station like be like headstrong take you on and he's like oh

god

that shit sucked

damn yeah is Joe still on the air over there I know because he took a break no yeah I'm not gonna put his business out there okay yeah it was pretty funny

I don't know I don't know this story yeah shout out to our boys he was raped by Tom Myers.

He had to take a mental health break from the radio.

Jerry Sandusky, not that one.

The Baltimore sports personality raped him.

Keith Mills raped him.

I love Keith Mills.

Tom Joyner graduated with a degree in sociology.

So we understand society.

Yeah.

That's right.

Shouts out to our boy Justin Schlegel holding down the morning show at 98 Ron.

Wait, Tom Joyner was in the Commodores.

What?

What?

Yeah.

What?

At first, his goal was to be a musician.

He joined the band, The Commodores.

It included his college friend Lionel Ritchie.

What the fuck?

But the band did not make any money, and his family encouraged him to seek another way to make a living.

Are you joking?

I had no idea.

He was in the Commodores before they took off.

Right, he's like, I guess this isn't going to work out.

That's so funny.

So he quit, and then he had to wait 20 years to.

I mean, I guess it worked out for him in the end.

Yeah.

What was his?

Could he sing?

Well, he can do more than hello.

Yeah.

Am I gay?

Tom.

Is it my dick you're looking for?

I can suck you in the ass.

Also, have you ever seen him?

I can fuck you in the mouth.

He's got a wild look.

Yeah, he looks great.

I think he looks great, actually.

Yeah.

Fat, bald, glasses, mustache.

I think he's a hot guy, dude.

Hello?

Yeah,

I always thought he was way older than he is.

It's my day.

Because I remember listening to the show when I was like a kid, and I thought, this is an old man.

Yeah, I get.

But that's what I thought.

I thought everyone was old as shit.

Yeah.

You think everyone's like 60 years old when you're a child.

Yeah, and then you find out they're like 30.

Yeah.

And then you're 30 and you're like, fuck.

Oh, dude,

I guess I fucked up.

When you look back at like the people you admired as a child and all of them are 10 years younger than you are now or whatever, you're like, I'm going to die.

I'm a failure.

Yeah, John Belushi died when he was 21 years old.

How insane.

He looked older.

No, he wasn't 20.

He wasn't 20 fucking

pretending you know who John Belushi is.

I know who he is.

Name one of his books.

Name one, yeah, one museum he created.

I'm a soul man.

Wrong.

Name one of his books.

How to suck Suck Dick and Influence Pussy.

He didn't write that.

Damn.

I'm going to write that one, dude.

Wait, did we do a joke?

Did we do a joke about Darth Vader doing the pinching thing?

But he's making people's dicks smaller.

Oh, not smaller.

He made the joke about that.

On stage, I did it about him jacking.

Yeah, which is a joke every third grader in the internet.

Good job you did that on

stage.

No, about him doing the pinching thing, but that's really good.

But yeah, it's making his dick smaller.

That's awesome.

That's good, man.

That's what you call professional.

They came through with the fourth grade.

That's huge, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's good stuff, right?

That's the kind of stuff they'll get you on the Tom Joyner morning radio show.

Tom Joyner morning show.

My dick is fucking small.

My dick is fucking small.

What kind of like opinion?

What the hell?

Who made that?

Wait a second.

Who played that music?

Well, hold on, Sybil.

I don't know if I'm...

I don't, what the hell is this?

Bro, how can we make that happen?

How can we sneak switch the teams?

Just fuck up an interstitial.

Tom Jones is on the show.

Oh, my dick is fucking up.

My dick is fucking mom.

Oh, oh, oh.

It's the time, Jonah.

And it's a beautiful day.

And what the...

Wait a second.

Am I hearing things?

Wait, play the song again.

Sounds like the normal song, Tom.

Tom, this is normal to us, too.

This is a song we've been playing for 25 years.

What?

Oh, damn, this is a Tom Joyner Cruise.

Hell yeah, dude.

You know what would be a hilarious tragedy?

The Tom Joyner Cruise crashing into the impractical Joe Boosters.

Just obese white ladies and obese black people

meeting for the first time.

But then they're all just in the ocean together.

We could heal America's racial.

We gotta come together.

Well, Steve.

Steve had to stay off my life, Raph.

Steve has a joke in the Kings of Comedy special, which doesn't really make any sense, which is that black people would try to survive the Titanic.

Whereas white people just died.

That's true.

He doesn't make much sense.

Well, the joke is fucking hilarious because it starts off and he's like, you never hear about 3,000 black people all dying at the same time.

Yeah, and then he's like, outside of, like, I guess, Hotel Rwanda.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Not really.

He's right.

I mean, in a month, a million people died in Rwanda.

Damn.

Their genocide was so fast and it was so like bloody.

Cheating on him.

It kind of makes you want to rewind that situation to have all those people back.

Yeah, I would love that.

Is there a hotep that's like, we showed Hitler white Hitler could barely do six million in five years?

It It took us only a month

through the power.

There is now.

We're back on the Tom John the Morning Show.

And we've got a brother here.

He's got some interesting ideas.

Damn, I was about to say something, but I forgot.

Story of my life.

Yeah, that's and then he's like, and then Steve's like,

yeah, and the band kept playing when the ship was going down.

No black band would keep playing.

Yeah.

Yes, sir.

This is like Michael Scott repeating.

I just re-watched it.

It's so good.

Yeah.

Maybe I'll watch it on the Amtrak tomorrow.

You should, man.

It's on Amazon Prime.

The Slamtrack.

I'm about to get pussy on there.

Yeah.

Excuse me, is this a Slamtrack car?

Yeah, dude.

Is this the pussy-getting car?

That time I was on Amtrak and the train had been stopped for four hours, and that bitch asked him to turn the AC down.

And she goes,

Well, if we do, then the car is going to get hot.

And then, realizing that that's what they were asking,

she goes,

Also, the control is on the bottom.

It's on the bottom.

That's the best.

That is the best customer service lie of all time.

Say anything else.

What the fuck do you even mean it's on the bottom of the train?

Some guy in fucking overalls, like in a bungee cord for the bad.

Turn the dial.

Make a guy crawl under the strain.

That's funny.

That's funny.

How do you even install it?

Whose idea is that?

By the wheels.

They're on the bottom of the

respect to that woman.

That's insane.

Damn.

Damn.

Shit, dude.

My fucking knees hurt.

I want to go to Germany and get some of that fucking like.

That's from the fans in Cleveland.

They sent that in to us.

Yep.

Send the send it up.

I just have a brain tumor where I think I'm Tom, I'm just a Tom Joyner morning show and I'm Tom Joyner.

We should do an entire up.

As you'd be sitting there.

Wait, your dad dad would play it on the car to school, or how

my mom would listen to it in the morning, like while getting ready for work.

My dad would listen to like Imis.

Yeah, that makes sense.

He's a racist.

Well, after the nappy-headed hose comment, he had to switch.

He was out.

To what?

No, I don't know.

He wasn't.

I don't think my dad was driving me to school at that time when that dropped.

Oh,

like 2010, 2009.

When did I miss?

That was no, that was early.

No, that was like 2007.

Yeah.

I think you were graduating.

I think it was even early.

I was in college at that point.

Your dad driving you to class every day?

Well, my dad would sit outside the class while I was in the lecture hall.

He wouldn't want to embarrass me.

Yeah.

But he'd sit there with his prayers.

Ask me how it went.

Yep.

There was a girl at my college who went to class with her mom, and they wore matching outfits.

What?

It was really fucked up and sad.

You think they ate each other's pussy?

That would have been cool.

No, No, they both looked like snacks.

They both wore like witch, witch vibes.

Do you think they sucked cock together?

I think that they had a really dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which maybe led them to suck cock together.

I don't know if they were sucking cock.

I think they were sleeping in the same bed for sure.

Damn.

So not hot at all.

No, neither of them were attracted.

Not even the girl or the daughter.

No, they both kind of wore all black and had long, like, kind of

matted black hair.

Wait, what the fuck kind of classes were what the fuck?

I mean, she was in college, I guess.

So, her regular college classes.

But, yeah,

wouldn't she be studying witchcraft?

Um, I don't think that was offered at the school.

That's what I'm saying.

Wa was she sitting in, like, fucking Western Civ and shit like that?

Yeah, whatever class.

I don't know what her major was.

You never had a class.

I'd see them walking around campus together.

And I knew people that, like, had class with her, and the mom would sit in the lecture hall.

You never had it with her?

No.

No.

yeah,

it really bummed me out.

Would you fuck a daughter and her mom at the same time?

Well, if it was at the same time, yes.

Did you and your dad ever have sex with each other?

Why would you say that, Nick?

It's just asking a question.

I'm just trying to answer that question.

You know, about my pedigree as a homicide detective.

I can't help but be inquisitive in ways that you don't even know.

You're not a homicide detector.

You don't know which direction I'm going.

You don't know.

You just got to answer questions.

Maybe he doesn't even care about the answers.

I don't care about the answer.

I don't care about that.

Maybe setting up four questions.

What did you have for lunch today?

Can you remember that at least?

Yeah.

What was it?

Cock or man's.

Like a pasta.

Where?

Leftover.

Where did you get it?

Got home.

You made it where?

Last night?

Where was this?

In my apartment.

What's your address?

I'm not going to say that on the list.

So you can't admit your address to me, but you could admit that you had sex with your father.

Interesting.

You're not.

You're a police man.

Very interesting.

You realize it is a crime.

I'm not a policeman.

I'm a detective.

You're not a New Hampshire Police Department.

Why New Hampshire?

Libertarian.

That's where it's illegal to have sex with your father.

And so they brought up.

I've looked up the laws.

It's my jurisdiction.

I'm trying to bust these guys.

It's my jurisdiction.

I bet it is against the law.

It probably is.

Is it incest?

Yeah, isn't incest illegal?

But I'll tell you what.

The only way you can get

is wearing the right underwear.

That's right.

Yeah.

In New Hampshire, they have a law that says if you're wearing Mac Weldon underwear, you can't go to jail for getting your pants filled by your father.

For any crime, actually.

Oh, really?

That's what libertarianism is.

Free minds, free markets,

free underwear.

If you don't like the first pair, you can keep it.

That's right.

MacWaldon.com, the Libertarian Underwear Company, is sponsored by the state of New Hampshire.

Every pair of underwear you buy goes directly to purchasing

children.

An island, yeah, a leather jacket with every slur emblazoned on it that Ron Paul can wear into the DMV while he flips off everyone that works there and insists on when he drives his car drunk into the DMV,

screaming about how he has a right to travel unmolested.

I am free to travel unmolested.

I hate when the fucking tendrils of big government

means to be bothered.

I love being molested by my driver's license.

I hate it.

I hate it.

That's what I meant.

I meant to say I hate it.

I hate being molested by age of consent laws as a libertarian.

Yeah.

That's the most.

When my penis wants to travel unmolested into a six-year-old,

I hate being molested by the state.

Your Honor, so who really?

Who, who missed among us?

That is so true.

And

the judge is like, order, order.

I'm wearing Mac Weldon underwear.

The judge is like, order, order.

Did anyone order this pizza?

And he's holding a pizza up, and they're like, Judge, come on.

Come on, man.

Stop doing bits, man.

Stop doing fucking bits.

The child was raped.

Okay.

Order.

No, I'm just saying.

I'm just saying.

I'm just joking around here.

trying to see if anybody wants to do

you know just just messing around

You guys

did you listen to anything we said judge we've been cross-examining the trial no sorry.

I'm one of those Asian judges

What do you mean by that?

You know like the guy from the OJ Simpson

Yeah, I'm one of those types of judges and what does that mean exactly he did bits that whole trial I would do bits the whole he did bits the whole time.

That's how OJ got off.

Yeah.

You don't remember the whoopee cushion?

The whoopee cushion, the rubber chicken.

That was hilarious.

And Johnny Cocker would laugh at every joke.

That's why.

And Marcia Clark would just be like,

oh, fuck it.

Yeah, she's like, I don't get jokes because I'm a woman.

That's so true.

Macweldon.com.

Macweldon.com has a simple mission

to preserve a future future fruit.

No, no, it doesn't.

It doesn't have that.

It does not have that mission, man.

To make sure all your basics and beyond are smartly designed and shopping for them is easy and convenient.

We founded Mac Weldon, us, the three of us, because we wanted more out of our basics.

For sure.

My underwear, my knives, my lighters.

My pocket pussy.

My pocket pussy.

My compass.

My 18th century flask and compass that

I wear around Brooklyn in my high waters, letting everyone know I could be, right now I could drop everything and be in Bighorn, Montana,

making love to an elk.

I'm not some hipster dumbass.

That's right.

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Combs that you make yourself.

They're made out of like a whale blown.

I have a pine cone that I comb my hair with as i walk around brooklyn in my mac weldon underwear because i'm tired of the basics

and i always question how something so essential could be such a pain in the ass

i question that all the time yeah when i go into the underwear store i'm like one underwear please and they're like excuse me and i'm like what part of

underwear

i can't i'm blind i don't know

underwear can you put them on me put them on me can you wipe me my ass ass is out of my hurts.

Can you wipe me while I wear the underwear?

And tuck it between my balls.

Can you suck my penis till it's hard?

Can you suck on it, please?

And so, yeah, we're in the old Navy underwear department.

And the frustration

was real.

And our Eureka moment happened in the department, the old Navy store out

of brands that dominated our top drawer:

Givenchy,

Dolce Gabbano, Chanel, Sergio Ticini, Sergio Ticini, Dada, Dada Supria,

La Perla, Pele Pele,

Averix,

South Pole,

my fucking rock a wall underwear,

my

Nici underwear, surrounded by a mind-numbing assortment of underwear and socks.

We realized

consistent fit

and quality became a game of roulette.

Oh, my God.

Russian roulette.

Oh, like we'd kill a guy every time our underwear didn't fit well.

Yeah.

Like the queer.

He's a little Chinese guy with

Diddy Mao.

Chris Walking or whatever.

Did he mao, Diddy Mao?

You guys ever heard of it?

Is Robert De Niro in that?

It's Robert De Niro, Christopher Walking, that guy that died of bone cancer.

Meryl Streep's husband.

What's his name though?

That Italian guy that was in everything back in the day.

Oh, John Merlin.

What's his name?

DeFredo.

Yeah, Defredo.

Yeah, John something.

John Pucciliani.

John 360.

So we decided to take John 22, Adam 22.

Yeah.

That rapist's father.

What if I changed my name to Adam 23?

Coming next to the stage.

Adam 23.

They would call me Adam 600 if they knew the truth.

The only numbers-based Adam who is not raped.

I'm combining combining that guy, but also Conair.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

I still have to see Conair.

There's a guy named Johnny23 who's raped.

Gotcha.

And he goes, they'd call me Johnny600 if they knew the truth.

Pretty, yeah.

He's pretty clearly saying he's raped 600 people there.

Yeah, Adam raped 600 people.

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Tell you what, Mac Wilton is better than whatever you're wearing right now.

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They're premium men's essentials.

Adam gets his panties there.

That's right.

I got him.

I got him.

Don't worry, I got him.

For extra pussy lips.

Yeah, he goes to...

I just want to understand what it's like to be a woman.

He goes, he clicks on the girls section.

And he clicks under extra pussy lips.

Yeah, he goes to my pussy for extra small pussy lips.

Bitch.

You have extra little pussy lips, but a lot of them.

Your dick is so small you need to get women's underwear.

Your dick is the same, but it's exactly like a lot of pussy lip.

Yeah, but it's a small amount.

A small amount.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Mac will be the most comfortable underwear, socks, shirts, undershirts, hoodies, and sweatpants are more than they'll ever wear.

They have a natural line of silver underwear and shirts that are naturally antimicrobial, which means they eliminate odor.

They want you to be comfortable, so if you don't like your first pair, you can keep it, and they'll still refund you.

No questions asked.

Adam requested that specifically.

Yeah.

If you got them to do that.

Well, I just wanted to help out the promotion.

Yeah.

It was a good idea.

Not only does Mac Weldon underwear socks and shirts look good, they perform well too.

They get hard always.

Your cock will definitely

be hard when you wear these silky, smooth

underwear to put on.

I like to put mine on, and I get hard and I come in them.

I take them off and I put on other underwear before leaving the house.

Yep.

Because I put them on and I come in my pants immediately.

Every time.

How could you even get anything done?

And then I don't even.

That's how good the underwear is.

I don't.

We buy other underwear.

I don't even have sex with girls anymore.

I put on underwear and my leather outfit.

Yeah.

And I just have, I come in them and I make videos for YouTube.

So for 20% off your first order, visit MacWeldon.com and enter promo code ComeTown20 at checkout.

That's right.

And

you get that 20% off first order.

Let's start the show.

Yeah.

And they

send you trinkets on your birthday.

Oh, yeah.

I got a pocket.

I got a keychain that says No Fear.

I'm pretty sure that was from them.

Yeah.

I loved No Fear as a child.

Yeah.

I had No Fear board shorts.

Yeah.

I had a fanny pack.

Because I remember getting those clothes, or you'd see No Fear clothes, and I'd be like, damn, that kid's not afraid of anything.

Yeah.

I was like, I wish I could be afraid of it.

And there was always some white trash kid with gel in his hair.

I wish I could not be afraid.

I wish I was fearless.

I wish I was getting abused in that way instead of the gay way that I am.

Yeah, I had no idea what Calvin and Hobbes was.

Oh, none.

I only knew that No Fear and then Pissing.

Piss in the picture.

Yeah, the bumper sticker thing.

Yeah.

I mean, I didn't really read newspaper cartoons.

I used to read them every morning.

I would sometimes get I'm reading the newspaper like daddy.

Yeah, it's me, Adam, the newsboy, who reads about the world like Daddy.

I graduated to sports.

I graduated to sports.

I can't wait.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna tell everybody.

I'm gonna tell everybody what's going on in the world.

I used to, from the library, check out whole books of

the comic book strips.

Yeah, I would run through Heathcliff, for example.

Beat Cliff.

Meet Cliff.

Beat Cliff.

I had

one of the Farside books.

You remember those?

The Farside Comics?

And I remember thinking that was the funniest shit in the world.

I'd be like, the sign says school for idiots.

And the kids pushing on a pole door.

Fucking retard.

Goddess has.

Fucking the joke in the comic book.

The guy in the far side, you've done it again.

Yeah.

Imagine dedicating your life like Dilbert guy.

Dude, I can't do that.

Dilbert gets no pussy.

If somebody made those jokes to me as a grown man, if they were another adult, I'd be like, kill yourself.

Dude, that's the thing.

Imagine dedicating.

I mean, stand-up is fucking

dumb, but imagine dedicating your life to the most lukewarm ass joke of all time and then doing like a little kind of shitty drawing.

Yeah.

And that's your entire life.

That's your entire life.

And then you make millions and it's like

colors, right?

The first I was black and white.

No, some of it was color.

I think the books made they would color it in.

Yeah.

I mean, I must admit, I I have I have pur purchased a Dilbert book as a youth.

Yeah, I never liked Dilbert, but the far side I thought was hilarious.

You thought it was funny?

I thought it was very funny.

I used to like the ones that were particularly like uh

you know, like somebody died or something.

I liked Mallard, you're fucked up.

You're a fucked up guy.

I was I was a a a a twisted.

You're a fucked up kid.

Do you like dead baby jokes, bro?

Oh, you're fucked up, bro.

Yeah.

I remember do you I remember having a favorite dead baby joke when I was in like fourth.

Of course.

Where this woman goes into a doctor's office and her, like, kids stop breathing or whatever, and she's crying.

She's like, doesn't know what to do.

She's hysterical.

And this guy's the best doctor in the

best baby doctor in the country.

Of course.

And so he's like, oh, ma'am, please, right away, we'll take him into

the operating room.

Just wait out here, right?

So the woman's crying and waiting and crying and waiting.

And then about an hour later, the operating room doors swing open, and the guy he's got an extension cord tied around the baby's neck, and he's swinging around the room, like knocking a bunch of shit off the walls, you know, and just like smashing the baby into like lights and stuff.

And she's like, Oh my god, what are you doing?

He goes, Don't worry, he's already dead.

Okay, yeah, yeah, when I was like that was your favorite when I was eight, that was just

a killer.

I thought that, yeah.

So naturally, one of my favorites favorites when I was that age was a, it was like a joke about a guy, like a gorilla keeper.

And it was something like the gorilla needed to mate or its pussy would be ruined or something.

And it was like, so they offered the grounds keeper.

They're like, okay,

for $2,000, will you fuck the gorilla?

And he'd be like.

He took a week to think about it.

And he came back and was like, all right, I'll do it, but it's going to take me some time to come up with $2,000.

And I was was just like aha he wants to pay to fuck the gorilla no I mean that's a funny joke that is funny yeah

I love that joke those were my go-to I mean you know where it's going but yeah yeah

as a kid when you don't know about misdirection another one I loved as a kid was why are there no Muslims on Star Trek oh you love that yeah because it's the future yeah yeah

I don't remember that one yeah another good one that one did not I guess the more the racist ones are more anti-Semitic over in Greek town.

Oh, yeah?

Are you afraid of that?

Is there a national

rivalry?

Trigger, if anything.

I think everyone is just kind of anti-Semitic, man.

I think that's probably true.

I don't remember one in particular.

Yeah, the pizza screaming in the oven.

Oh, of course.

The ashtray.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

How do you fit six million Jews in a car?

Right.

Whatever.

Which, honestly,

that's still too much ash.

Too much ash.

It's too much ash.

That's my biggest problem with that.

It's the

ideological issues.

Yeah.

What jokes were they telling at the Chinese kid table, lunch table?

They didn't have jokes.

What's going on?

They're like, hey, what's four plus four?

And then someone goes,

seven.

And then they all laugh.

It's funny because that's not the right answer.

That's not the wrong answer.

Because you said it wrong.

Like, okay, time to go back to regular math.

And then they'd just be like, they're all laughing at like homestar runner and stuff no i think they're being racist towards like um

taiwanese and korean people oh that's probably true yeah it's the same exact joke yeah absolutely vietnamese

actually honestly we did make fun of albanians like as children even so

eldest we would really mock that was a regional rivalry it was what are what are what are some of the other i love this podcast now just racist jokes kid racist jokes

I don't remember.

Yeah, I don't really remember them either.

Yep, I don't remember any jokes.

I remember the ones my dad had.

The guy throwing his clock out the window.

Time flies.

Yeah, that shit sucks, dude.

Jokes were terrible.

And then you love them as a kid.

You're like, oh, these are great.

Well, I would laugh at like Full House, dude.

That's true.

I wouldn't.

I didn't think Full House was funny.

I didn't know the difference between shows that weren't funny and shows that.

I just got so sad about Danny Tanner's wife being funny.

I watched a lot of Seventh Heaven, and I probably referred to it as a sitcom numerous times.

You thought that was funny when I was a kid.

I used to laugh.

I thought because it was weird to me.

Family Matters was good.

Well, that's why a laugh track's good, dude.

It tells you when to laugh.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, I mean, I thought that bitch mom being a bitch all the time on 7th Heaven was funny.

That's a joke I remember from

the, and we, of course, you call it Urkel.

You don't call it Family Matters.

But they were filling out a form, and it was like, age, 17.

Height, 5'6.

Sex, yes, please.

Yeah, I remember that shit.

Classic.

Yeah.

Yes, please.

Classic.

I thought that was from Austin Powers, no?

That was on.

It was literally on a Family Matters episode.

Damn, I might rewatch.

I re-watched both Collateral and Thief this week.

Collateral is great, dude.

It's great to see Tom play a bad guy.

Yeah.

With gray hair.

With gray hair, which I think he's actually gray in real life.

No shit.

I think that might be the only time you've seen him with this real hair.

Oh, what?

Yeah, he's like in his 50s, probably.

I think he's almost, he's probably 60.

You stole

my briefcase.

He's older than you think he is.

Yeah, he's old.

Yeah.

I mean, I doubt he's 60.

He's probably like 58.

Dude, when you were talking about that judge, I just remembered like in Vegas, there was like a crisis because this woman, who's like a 600-pound woman, got elected as a judge.

Yeah.

57.

And she had to be like taken off the bench because she was like, she was massively fat.

She was on oxygen.

She couldn't walk.

She had a rascal skin.

And she made her bailiff like massage her feet and stuff and massage her back.

She like, her husband, she like brought to court and had the clerk swear him in to to so he could testify about whether he did uh his chores at home or not what she was like a monster and like the the state like

like uh supreme court had to like get her off the bench with like rules her husband went to jail for 15 years for hitting her with a frying pan

um and then yeah she like they got her classic crime dude that's like the frying pan domestic violence yeah that's a classic one yeah halverson i think her name was

and it was it was just front page news every day because this bitch would just fall asleep in the middle of testimony.

She was like, the bailiff asked to get transferred.

From which trials?

She was just, she got elected somehow.

A big bitch?

She was like 600 pounds.

She was like medically fucking fat.

And then she was so fat.

Yo, you got to see a picture of her, too.

She looks, the picture is just incredible.

She's like, she's on oxygen all day long.

That's fucked up.

Yeah, look Judge Haliverson Judge Halverson Judge Nevada

Asian style judge

Judge oh my god.

This is certainly yeah, she might be more than 600 pounds.

She's dead.

She died.

Thank God.

She died at 56.

It was so funny.

Just shy of cruise.

Damn, yeah, this is a large woman here.

This is a big woman.

Yeah.

Imagine being just being that bitch and being like, oh, I can't find any clothes that fit.

I guess I'll become a judge.

I guess I'll do the

only job where, oh, man, look at this.

Drinking Pepsi.

Respect.

Dude, it's so funny.

I would love to have seen it in the flesh.

Damn.

Bailiff too attentive.

Imagine having to touch that woman in any way.

The bailiff, she used to make the bailiff put her shoes on because she was so fat sheets.

She couldn't do it.

That's wild.

How How much does it pay to be a bailiff?

Probably not enough.

And then he got transferred, and then she hired her own security detail.

She hired like three.

It was like every day, there was new shoes.

Protect her from what?

Crackers?

I don't know.

Yeah.

Why was she?

I don't know.

Who cares?

Fuck this bitch.

Why were you looking into this fat judge?

I just remembered it when you were talking about that judge that was doing pranks.

I was like, oh, damn.

I remember that 900-pound judge in Vegas.

It's It's such a Vegas sort, too.

Shit, like that happens all the time.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

It's a shame she wasn't the judge that oversaw the court case against you and your father for having gay sex.

That's not true.

A case busted open by yours, truly.

You can't bust anything.

You busted it wide open?

Yeah, brought all the people.

Your Honor, I'm just a detective from New Hampshire.

I'm a humble detective.

You're out of your jurisdiction.

No, my jurisdiction covers guys that fuck their dads.

I'm a humble ass motherfucker.

And because of the new Beijing extradition laws, it affects New Hampshire.

I got to get to Funny Moms.

Oh, can you do me a favor?

Yeah.

There's a shirt.

I think you threw it.

Yeah, that one right there.

Yep.

There's some

girl whose name is on there, if you can give it to her.

Okay.

Yeah.

If you, listen, everyone, please come see me this week in Detroit and Kalamazoo, Michigan, October 19th and 20th.

And

I will also be in Lafayette.

I added a bunch of cities to the Ruthless and Toothless final chapter tour.

Oh, damn.

Lafayette, New Orleans, motherfucking the stress factory.

Final Blaptor.

Atlanta.

We got a Blaptor.

Houston.

It's the last page of the book.

Nashville, motherfuckers.

Go to stavi.biz slash tour.

Stavi.

Blat Bliz.

But yeah, yeah, I'm coming to a bunch of fucking cities.

This week, Detroit.

He's coming, and he's ready to do the show.

Stavi.biz.

Stav.business.com dot sexual slash sexuality.

Slash sexuality dot cash pussy money records.

LLC.

Sorry.

It is yep.

It is an LLC.

Cash money slash pussy.business association

LLC.

Extreme detailing and service.

That is correct.

Slash, we also fix elevators.

Slash, I got my elevator inspection license

from the city.

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