Ep 175 – epardy

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First of all, the questions they do them in reverse order.

Which is like, what the fuck?

How are you supposed to know?

The first question, he goes, you know, he says, let me get famous paintings for $200.

I'm like, okay, what painting?

Well, I don't know the fucking paintings.

And he says, this, her famous smile, this guy says, her famous smile is known all all over the world in this classic painting by Leonardo.

I'm not clicking, yo.

Ask me in the regular way.

First of all, there's only one answer to that, Miss Faggot.

Yo, yeah, you know,

your boyfriend Leonardo paints for you, yo?

Yeah, first of all, there's only one answer to that one.

And

I'm not going to say it,

but I may have already done it.

Yeah, oh, yeah, fuck.

Yeah.

The fucking counselor said we're not supposed to say slurs no more.

Yeah,

by the rules of my probation.

Fuck yo.

I got caught stealing car batteries.

And I can't call people gay no more.

They said no more slurs.

They charged me with a hate crime

for calling everybody a faggot at the Napa while stealing batteries out the back.

And how did I know they was all gay?

I was just calling them that because they called the fucking police on me.

Come to find out them were all gay it's a gay napper it's a gay napper they did a they did a now this a little 16 second video about it i keep being called out by that now this company every two weeks they got me on there calling you fucking video about my god video me saying some

like we ain't all been mad before

yo you put a fucking you put the deed to your grandfather's house on the ravens beating the browns you're gonna say the M-word a couple times when it doesn't come in.

You're gonna get into a fight with a child at Panera Bread.

Yeah, that motherfucker was looking at me, yo.

That little thing, and I don't care what people say, Chinese people can read people's moms.

They can read they should go on that Eperty show, they should go on Eperty.

Yo, I was watching Eperty the other day.

My face says, I fucking love Eperty, yo.

This famous orange bridge, and I was like, boop, boop, boop, the Garfield Bridge.

Yep.

No, it turns out.

Come to find out, ain't even no Garfield Bridge in the world.

It's the Golden Gate Bridge.

First of all, bitch, then why is it called Go Golden?

Yeah.

It should be Wish Golden Bridge.

The Orange famous.

No gate.

There's no gate.

Ain't no fucking gate there.

Your options are gate or bridge.

You chose bridge.

Should be called an orange bridge.

Orange bridge, yo.

The orange bridge into homotown.

The gate.

Shit.

Fuck.

Damn.

Delete this, yo.

Delete this live blog that we're doing.

Yeah, everyone was telling us we need to get into Twitch streaming.

So, but don't nobody snitch on us, though.

Yeah, we got a show on NPR coming up called R Talk.

It's like Car Talk, but we're hard R's.

So, yeah, we got a letter here.

My

1993 Honda Civic is having trouble starting in the winter.

Okay.

And

I've used

cold start stuff before, and that works.

But for whatever reason, now that's not working anymore.

And sometimes it stalls a traffic light.

Who do you think that could be?

First of all, you black bitch.

I don't know who the fuck you think.

So you're getting mechanic stuff for free from me.

I've never touched a car in my life.

I don't even know what race she is.

Because it's our talk.

Oh, okay.

Everybody's.

You assume everybody's black.

Everybody.

Yo, and here's the answer to every question.

Go to that fucking gay Napa and steal whatever the fuck you need.

Why don't you head to the, I'm not going to say it, but the faggot Napa?

No, yo, stop saying that.

Oh, right.

We're about to get arrested.

This is just what I meant.

This is just Vinny's life

outside of doing this, just hanging out with those guys.

Ooh, what's up, everybody?

Welcome to motherfucking Come Town for the Week.

Yeah, I'm Italian, so you know that, you know, I got arrested for slurs when I was seven years old.

We used to have to go around the neighborhood and call everyone in the neighborhood a slur.

Yeah, what does Vinny sound like?

I don't know exactly.

I can't remember his voice.

He's from Connecticut, right?

Yeah.

But he's dumb.

That's why.

That's why it's kind of weird.

Yeah.

Oh, wait.

I didn't realize Nelson gets pussy from Lisa.

Nelson gets pussy from Lisa.

That's the name of the episode.

What season is this?

Season.

This is the latest season.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

that's why they're showing sex and stuff.

No, no, I remember this.

Actually, I do remember this episode.

Because the only people that still watch The Simpsons are 47 years old.

They're like, yeah, I still watch this and SNL.

That's right.

Oh, that's right.

She finds out that he's from a broken home and shit.

And she, like, empathizes with him.

No, she likes him because he's rude.

Oh.

Yeah.

She doesn't care.

The broken home thing turns her off.

Whoa, really?

Yeah.

So Lisa's a bitch?

She's a bitch.

Is this the episode of television you watch every day?

Oh, me?

Yeah.

Why?

Because someone they love a guy because he's rude?

Oh.

No.

You just have it on loop.

First of all,

I'm not making a decision to be rude.

I just don't know the rules.

You know, it's not like you wouldn't call Chinese people rude'cause they look to

shit and piss.

Yes, you do, and you would do it often.

No, that's their culture.

I I well, I'll call them rude for that.

Yeah.

I'll take a stand.

I I don't don't know.

If some Chinese guy wants to pull turds out of his son's ass with chopsticks in the middle of coals,

you had to throw chopsticks in there, didn't you?

I had to.

I don't recall

being involved in that at all, other than witnessing it.

Oh fuck.

Ah, shit.

Well, we're here.

Another freaking week.

No, Adam.

He's

in Russia, Shana.

Adam's taking one of his cool vacations.

That's right.

To Vegas.

To eat matzah.

To Briz Vegas.

To Briz Vegas.

That's still the dumbest thing I've ever heard about.

Shout out Briz Vegas, Brisbane, Australia.

We call it Bris Vegas.

Yeah, but we're not calling it.

You guys can continue calling it that, but that's fucking dumb.

Yeah, it doesn't.

There's no pun.

There isn't.

You just shoved the first half of your.

It doesn't make any sense.

Bris Vegas.

That was what always made me laugh.

It's like right around when the Are Women Funny debate started happening, they came up with that word man splaining, which is like that sounds nothing like explaining.

No.

It doesn't work on any level.

Splain, though, is hard.

You should have hired a comedy writer to come up with that.

What would you have gone with?

Sex splaining.

But that sounds still involves.

involves.

That sounds like it's about

it makes more sense in terms of what about mexplaining.

Oh, like when a Mexican is

explaining something.

He's like, well, there's corn and then there's flour.

And the corn ones are better for breakfast.

But the flour ones are better.

I mean, he could be, I guess he could be explaining anything, you know, but I guess, yeah.

Probably tortillas.

I like to go up to Rebecca Traister and I tell her, like, listen, you're probably too much of a dumb woman to know that the corn ones,

the corn ones are for breakfast.

And she's just reading a book on the train.

The flour ones are for deaner.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Yep.

Fuck indeed.

I was just in freaking Kentucky.

Yeah.

Louisville.

Louisville.

Louisville.

Louisville.

They love saying it dumb there.

Louisville.

I love when you meet somebody from Louisville.

They're like, well, we actually say it's like, I don't care.

Just stop it.

No one cares.

The town's sucked.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Go back there.

Go the fuck back.

You know, we have a way of saying it that no one cares.

No one gives a shit.

No one cares.

Is there anything that your town does besides baseball bats?

Mm-hmm.

Nothing.

That is cool, though, to have the Louisville slugger.

Yeah.

To be the place that you make little baseball bats.

I would like to be that town.

Yeah.

To be a a baseball bat.

Mm-hmm.

What fuck?

What was I doing?

Somebody,

I got sent an email that I gotta read.

What's that?

I got sent an email that I gotta read.

Oh, okay.

What kind of email?

It's like legally, I gotta apologize.

Oh, legally.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, well, shouts out to everyone who came out to Indianapolis, Fort Wayne, and Louisville.

Now, do they got Indians there?

Yes.

Because in Greek, Indianapolis means Indian city.

That is.

Yeah, it just means Indiana city.

It means Indian city.

Indian.

It means Indian Annapolis.

So it's where Indian Annapolis, yes.

It's a bunch of Indians with just boat shoes on.

Yeah.

Walking around.

Salmon shorts.

Yeah, I didn't know they had an Indian Annapolis.

He's like, let's get some fucking crab cakes.

Who wants to go to the Reserve Ospencer Club and get some fucking crab cakes.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck yeah, man.

I can't wait to go to the old-timey post office and get a quill pen.

I'm trying to sell my boat.

Yeah, no, I'm from Indian Severna Park.

I'm from Indian Glen Bernie.

I am.

Oh, we struck a rich vein here, brother.

Finally, finally, they've met, dude.

It intersects intersects.

We get to do Marilyn.

Wow, dude, this podcast just bought itself two extra years of life

from Indian Annapolis.

From saying Marilyn stereotypes in an Indian voice.

Oh, hell yeah.

They got this show Ep or D on T V.

Just redo the first two games.

These fagad knows the answer to.

Do not say the F.

Oh, right.

Do not because we are being.

They will send me to Yale.

They will send me to yale for doing it

Yeah, that place was tight though.

I did have a I had a great time

Shout out Let's comedy shout out.

I met the guy who made the fart compilation YouTube video a bit a huge pioneer.

Mm-hmm.

Thank you for that my friend Whoever came up with whoopee cushions must be

a fucking

a good guy like a

fucked up prankster dude yeah well it's funny it's because it's like you know this show makes too much money yes and it's like wow this is weird and it kind of puts you in like a weird like you know it makes you feel weird

but then i think about stuff like that and it's like that guy probably has so much money it's like it's not even he didn't do anything yeah there was already he had one dumbass idea for a second i know but it's like balloons already existed that's true he's like what if there was just but all it did was you you put it on his and because they don't work either yeah they stop working about four

they never work you have to sit directly on it if you put it under a cushion it won't work i remember trying to prank people with a whoopee cushion when i was a kid you do you put it under the chair and you well you wait

and then they just sit on the chair and nothing happens

and you're like well this is fucking this fucking sucks this is stupid and then you make them just sit on it but not it would just never work I tried hiding that fucking thing everywhere under the carpet

you know be like hey mom come in here she'd be like no Be like, can you please, please?

I never ask anything, please.

Can you please come in here?

I'm like, can you stand on that lump?

Please, you're gonna, you're gonna be such a fucking dumb bitch.

Yeah.

You're gonna accidentally fart.

Does nothing.

Be like, you farted, you

piece of shit.

Fuck you, mom.

Fuck you, you dumb.

You fucking farted, you dumb bitch.

Nice job farting, bitch.

What did you fucking fart, you idiot?

You're so stupid.

You're fucking stupid piece of shit.

You're stupid.

Go back to supporting my life.

I'm glad you got a divorce.

I'm glad you're go back to drinking in the kitchen, bitch.

I'm glad you're experiencing a divorce right now.

Fucking farting.

Fucking farting ass bitch.

Yeah, that's how you wanted it to work, but

it just didn't work like that.

That's how you wanted it to go down.

Of course,

all you wanted was for that to happen, for you to say those things uninterrupted

for about seven minutes, just tee off on your recently divorced mother.

Just to fuck her ass up for farting.

And she's like, I guess I probably did fart.

Gaslight her

gaslight your mom with the woman cushions.

Oh, yeah.

Make her rethink some things.

That is the problem with whoopee cushions, man.

Uh-huh.

That whole thing we just said.

Yeah, she's like, I don't think I farted.

You're like, well, maybe it came from your pussy.

Your divorced pussy.

How do you even?

You're six years old.

How do you know these things?

How do you even know?

Shut up.

Shut up, or I'm going to tell the fucking

arbitrator that you beat me.

Admit you parted out of your pussy.

Or I'm going to tell them.

I'm going to sign an affidavit.

I'm going to follow an America's brief friend of the court that says that you beat me.

I've got it in my prankster kit.

It came right into the whoopee cussy.

It came with the whoopie goodness.

This is an affidavit.

Already signed and notarized that your parents beat you.

Affidavit.

Make your parents' divorce worse

with the sneaky devil prankster kit.

There's a whoopie cushion and a signed affidavit declaring that whether you put your mom or your dad's name in here so that it says they beat you.

Buy the special molestation add-on.

It comes with a hand buzzer.

Just like Harriet the Spy.

And you use these doctored photos of your dad getting a blowjob from the babysitter.

Just cut and paste your dad's face.

Get a picture of your dad with the included Polaroid camera and paste his

double-sided tape to paste your dad's face.

And then use these

pre-stamped envelopes to mail them to your mom.

With a note that says, just felt like you should know.

Just wanted to trick, do pranks to your parents.

Kids only.

Kids only.

Only kids only.

Parents, if you're in the room, walk out, right?

Parents are not allowed to watch this commercial.

Yeah, dude.

That's a good product.

A little pranks to the little devil prankster kit.

Uh-huh.

It's a suction cup to put hickeys on your mom's neck while she's asleep before your dad gets home.

And this is just a little cocaine to put in her coffee so she fails her drug test.

So Pussy gets fired from her secretary job.

And then she won't be able to support you.

You'll get to live in an orphanage.

You've got a bunch of cool kids.

Just boys only playing Genesis all day long.

Doesn't that sound great?

Doesn't that sound cool?

There's Sega Saturn at the orphanage.

It's just a product of the guy who owns the orphanage to molest children created.

Just have it overrun with young, mischievous boys.

You can now

the coolest prank.

Now, introducing the fake

the fake mammogram results

collection.

You can sneak into your moms at the doctor,

make her think she has breast cancer, and then a note from your dad that says that's why he left.

It's because he doesn't want

the idea of your mom's breast being sick disgusts him.

All of that and more.

And the deluxe little prankster's kid.

Prank helping kids be the baddest boys.

The kids only.

Parents not allowed.

No one watch.

Parents don't watch.

It's a vault.

There's a vault with a combination lock on the outside.

Only kids know the kitchen.

It says kids rule.

Riddling's.

You have to be on Riddling to use this.

Tell your mom you're going to keep setting fires in this school trash can until you get

this

kit and a sweet prescription to Riddle.

You need Riddlin

every day.

Every day you need Riddlin' medicine and the prankster kit.

Oh, fuck.

Did you ever put you on that shit, my man?

No.

Really?

Yeah, my mom was like an anti-vaxxer, dude.

Nice.

I wasn't on shit.

But they wanted to, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

They're like, he is severely retarded.

They wanted to zonk yourself.

My mom's like, I have breast cancer and my pussy won't stop farting.

I don't need this right now.

I know.

I can't listen to this.

Every week I get a new picture of my ex-husband getting a blowjob.

Blowjob.

Child Protective Services keeps observing me for some time.

Yeah, mailing them to me.

And there's just signed affidavits.

They signed them.

Just don't put him on any drugs.

No more Ritalin.

Yeah, they tried to put my little brother on that shit.

He was a rowdy boy.

Yeah.

But my parents, just because they were villagers, didn't trust that shit.

Yeah, no, I mean, it's like...

They don't even prescribe Ritalin anymore.

Yeah, it's definitely fucked up.

You never even hear about Ritalin.

Well, they got Adderall.

They put him on Adderall, but yeah, you never hear about Ritalin.

That shit definitely fucks kids up, man.

If you're on that shit,

I take that shit every once in a while just to fucking focus, and I feel like I'm fucked up for like two days afterwards.

Yeah, it's not good for you.

You can't sleep that day.

Like, how the fuck do those kids sleep if they take it every goddamn day?

I don't think they do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're just up jittering.

It's funny.

My cousin was just on candy growing up.

On what?

He used to eat so much candy.

Oh, yeah.

It's amazing he doesn't have diabetes now.

Damn.

He was always like hyperactive and shit because he was just constantly constantly had like a fucking jawbreaker.

Hell yeah.

That was like in like a bag from the grocery store.

So he was just like, my memory of him as a kid is just drooling all over his shirt and this fucking like jawbreaker in a bag turned inside out like he was carrying disgusting, dude.

Yeah.

And he just not even a Ziploc, like a plastic.

Yeah, like you picked up turds off the sidewalk bag and you just

sucking on that.

Let's play Nintendo!

So fucking weird.

Yeah.

Why?

I don't know, man, but he was just so hyper.

Was he fat?

No, not at all.

Rail thin.

Damn.

Yeah.

I mean, he's kind of fat now, but I mean, he's 30.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the ideal, you know.

Grow up skinny, become fat?

Oh, yeah.

Because it's like you are fine.

You got the best years in.

Yep.

You know, it's like, you know, people are like, oh, well, those, you know, those people that are naturally thin when they're younger, they get fat when they're older.

Like, oh, you mean

had sex?

Yeah.

So I'll be in shape while my eyes are throbbing constantly and it's harder to think.

But hey, at least I'm in good shape now.

Yeah.

Instead of when my personality was being formed,

you know.

Yeah, it would have made me a normal, sort of likable person

who didn't hold a grudge against the entire work.

It's just the waiter treated me.

Only escape is making jokes about your mom having breast cancer, but pranking your mom into thinking she has breast cancer

to stop me from actually doing it.

Can I borrow a feeling?

Damn.

What do you say, Luann?

Poor Millhouse is dead.

Will you fuck my ass?

Will you fuck my ass, Luann?

Can you fuck my ass?

That's right.

Yeah.

That is correct.

The Simpsons Part 2.

Mill House's dad gets pegged by his mom.

We're redoing every episode and making it even funnier.

Look, we all love The Simpsons.

We're going back to the classic Simpsons.

We're taking another crack at some of these screenplays.

Yeah,

we're just punching up the old scripts.

Those old flawed Simpsons stuff.

They had a bunch of Harvard hoity-toity fucking assholes.

We're taking it blue-collar.

Blue-collar, real blue-collar guys makes

nine times as much as the original writing standard.

But the important thing is, we still think being gay in and of itself is a joke.

Yeah, being blue-collar is all about fucking

sticking it to the fads.

It's not really, it's more of a mentality.

Yes.

Then you see Joe Biden saying that the middle class isn't a number.

It's more of a way of life and thinking or whatever.

Yeah, it's like, so we're going to, it's time to bring the middle class back by not letting Indian people in the movie theater

or whatever that,

whatever your definition of the middle class is, it doesn't involve any kind of economic analysis.

I cannot believe that motherfuckers.

And it's funny because that shit works on people.

It works on liberals that don't realize that they're just extremely racist.

No, not that they're rich.

Well, what the fuck is the middle class if you take away the economics of it?

Right.

That's what I mean.

People that tuck in their shirts.

That's what I mean.

It's rich people that want to feel like they're fucking

a regular ass person.

I think it's more people that used to do okay in the fucking 90s and then the bottom fell out and then they can't admit that it's like, no, you were a loser that was propped up by a fake economy.

Right.

So you're like, oh, no, we can get back to that.

It's like, no, you don't have any skills.

Yeah.

You never had it.

You could be a middle management guy that fucking did, like, smiled at people and be like, keep working on those spreadsheets, whatever the hell those are.

Right.

200,000.

Remember back in the 90s when jobs were so good that there would be guys that would just go in and murder everyone in their office?

You don't hear about office shootings anymore.

You think it's because the jobs were good and he was mad he lost it?

The economy was so good then that jokers had middle management positions.

Guys are like now the profile of the shooter like he went

crazy because he just fucking

lived with his mom and he was an incel.

It's like, no, that guy still would have shot a place up.

It's just he would have been earning $80,000 a year at fucking.

He had a little apartment.

Yeah.

That is true.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You don't hear about workplace shootings because the economy.

Yeah.

That's why we.

Well, everybody wants those jobs now.

Everybody, you know, you got to, you know, you're there.

You know, you don't have to worry about somebody shooting up an office anymore.

Right.

Because they're like, well, fuck, if I shoot up this office, I'm going to afford

my $38,000 a month rent.

Just living in a villa.

Yeah.

Living in a fucking four-swimming pool ass villa.

Yeah.

That's what I want.

I want one of those, you know, those mansions with like a marble swimming pool.

Hell yeah.

And I just wait in there with all the steam for somebody to garot me.

Just come up and kill me.

I want my initials in the bottom of the pool.

Yeah.

Then you look up from aerial view and you just see big ass SH.

Yeah, GSH.

Wait, what?

G-S-H?

No.

Your initials?

No, that's not.

My initials are S-H.

My name is Stavros Halkis.

Gay Smith.

What?

Are you fucking serious?

I'm sorry, man.

The contractors already did the pool.

Fuck!

How much is it going to cost to fix it?

They can't, because the water is already in there.

There's no way wrong.

You can't take the water out of it.

Fuck.

That's how pools are set up.

Fuck, well, what am I going to tell people that come to my house now?

I don't know.

You can tell them it stands for something other than gay, but.

Well, yeah, of course.

That's not my name.

The problem is that there's a...

They're going to know I'm lying.

No, there's a butler who hands out little notes cards to people that says the G stands for gay.

What?

And if we already paid the game.

I'm sorry, but we already paid the butler.

How much?

Went to Kinko's.

How much is the, what could that possibly cost?

For how long?

Does he have a lifetime contract?

He's union, so you can.

He's in the union.

When is the contract ran out?

Look, you can't get rid of that guy.

He's in the union.

Oh, fuck.

Well, this is really fucking annoying.

Yeah.

Can we ask him to hand out something else?

Well,

I don't know.

Like what?

A sign that says I'm it doesn't stand for gay.

A sign?

You want him to hand out it, so then only one person will get it.

You're right, dude.

Fuck.

That's impeccable logic.

Well, I suppose I'm going to have to tell people my first name is Gay and my middle name is Stavros

from now on.

There's no other way around it.

But I gotta be honest with you, man, I'm not too pleased about it.

Um do you have that thing you have to read?

Yeah, well, I just sent it to you.

Oh.

Where's my fucking phone?

It fell.

Do you want me to read it?

No,

we got some minutes here.

Hey, what do you know?

What do you say?

There's the

Orange Bridge.

The Orange Bridge.

I would love to go on Jeopardy and just threaten people.

Just give the wrong answer and be like, that's bullshit.

Fuck that.

Fuck that.

My buzzer's fucking stuck.

My buzzer's stuck.

I'm you with that.

Just knocking the buzzer out of other people's hands.

Idiot.

Yeah.

Same.

Every answer you get right, you say boo ya, like directly into the ear of the person next to you.

Noits, dude.

Nois!

Booyah!

They're like.

Okay.

And Mike, you're at negative $42,000.

Shut up.

Read the next one.

Runa, next one.

I'm about to get hot, baby.

Yeah, let's go to sports, $32,000.

There's no sports.

Like, that's not a category.

There's no sports.

Yeah.

Now, please do Russian literature, the only one remaining.

Yeah, who is

fucking Toy Story or whatever his name is?

Leonard Toy Story.

Yeah,

fucking War and Peace by Toy Story.

They're like, our judges say that that's completely incorrect, but considering how close you were and how stupid you are, we're going to give it to you.

For even

sort of understanding that that man kind of exists.

You get the points.

Yeah, whose toy story?

Anna

Karim or Pussy.

Anna Karim Abdul-Jabbar.

Anna Karimina.

Anna Karinina.

What's that book about?

Some hot bitch?

Some dumb bitch who lives in a shitty house.

Does she get fucked by a soldier or something?

I've never read any Tolstoy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Seems old.

When was that motherfucker alive?

1842.

Boring.

I don't even know.

I have no idea.

Probably 18.

The first half of the 18th.

So his shit always.

19th century.

So his shit was all laid in.

I always hated that as a kid.

I hate that.

Why is it one-off?

Yeah, it's so.

Fuck you, man.

Yeah.

Just call it the right one.

I know.

It's so stupid.

What is the thinking there?

It's like one of those things in the first century.

Yeah, that's the first century.

Fuck that.

Because you couldn't call it.

Okay, so it would be weird to call that one the zeroth century.

And because of that,

the rest of them are fucked up.

Yeah, or the ought centuries.

Anything.

Yeah.

Anything else.

That's not the first century.

Fuck that.

The first century is 100 from now on.

Yeah.

Listen, motherfuckers, anyone listening, call the 19th century the 1900s.

That makes so much sense.

It makes one sense.

Just saying it, I feel so good.

It's the 19th century.

It's the 19th century.

And you know what I'm talking about?

The 1900s.

I know.

I'm imagining the 1900s while saying the 19th century.

I'm thinking about flappers getting

their kitties sucked.

And now I'm saying 18th century, and I'm picturing

steam, one of the one of one out of six stills from the Cheers intro.

That's right.

And now I'm switching over to the 19th century, and it's the second or third one.

Okay.

You know, now I'm thinking about the 60s?

I don't know.

Now I'm thinking about

Days of Heaven, and I'm going back.

I'm saying 18th century again in my head.

Nice.

And now I'm thinking about fucking the American Revolution.

Yeah, 17th century.

Guess what?

17th, bitch.

Wigs, powdered wigs, 17th.

Now I'm thinking about the 16th century, and I'm imagining pianos that sound shitty.

Yep.

But everyone pretending like that's good music.

That's good shit.

Because that's the only thing they have.

We have a child that has syphilis.

He's wearing a dress, and he's the best at it.

At this bullshit instrument.

That's what the 16th century is, or whatever.

You know what?

You don't be crazy, man, if you could go back to those days, man, and like, you know,

rap for those people

and just blow their minds.

Absolutely.

You know what I'm saying, man?

If you could, like, could you imagine how their minds would be blown?

Yeah, I could.

They'd be like, where are you getting all these crazy African styles and influences?

And you would be the king of Vienna, man.

You would be the coolest guy.

You would get so much pussy in Vienna.

Yeah, they ain't never seen a wigger before.

The wigger of Vienna.

Now, there's a Tolstoy book I want to read.

The Wigger of Vienna.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Just some guy.

The winters were long and depressing and cold.

And Anna had breast cancer in both of her breasts and brain cancer.

And everyone worked very hard and toiled.

And the winter was depressing.

And her babies, they die and they could not eat.

And that winter in Vienna, a man crossed his pants and wore them backwards and spun around and he said what's up to people

and he was the Uyghur of Vienna

I wish I actually had read Tolstoy

what kind of shit he was like that you pretty much guess probably Russians love being sad I know but I've heard that Tolstoy is actually like quite sentimental oh really

as sentimental as a Russian could be he's probably sad but also like

that is sentimental, thinking it's bad that bad things happen.

I'll tell you what I'm sentimental for.

Gambling.

Gambling.

Me too.

You know, transition/slash-opening points.

I don't know about you guys, but for me, my game is 10 times more exciting when I'm putting my money on it.

I know, and I agree.

Yeah.

Sometimes I have a gut feeling about a matchup, and sometimes I'm just betting on my team because they're my team.

Same, actually.

That's insane that you're even just saying that.

Regardless, whether you've been betting for years or you're ready to play for the first time, my bookie is your best bet this season.

Oh, my God.

I know.

I literally know.

Yeah.

Like, honestly, dude, if you're the kind of guy who likes to bet a little to win a lot, try a parlay.

Yeah.

For instance, if you like a couple of the big favorites this week, parlays are perfect because they let you bet multiple games together for a much bigger payout.

I mean, come on.

That's pretty cool.

You know, I still don't know what parlay means, even after you said it.

Yeah.

That's one of those words.

Well, I do.

Parlay is one of those words like rendezvous that you got used too much by

certain folks.

And now it's, I don't know what it means.

Yes.

What the fuck is a rendezvous?

What's a liaison?

A rendezvous is a meetup.

What's a liaison?

Jason Moraz ruined that one for me.

I don't know what liaison is, but I know what rendezvous is because it means date or a meetup.

A rendezvous?

Parlay means, you know, what I just said, which I understood.

Yeah, I don't know what it means.

So I'll tell you who does is the folk, the good folks.

The good people.

My bookie.

I mean, between freaking football season, the MLB playoffs, and the start of the NBA and NHL seasons, it's time to get off the fucking sideline and get in on the fucking action, mate.

Yeah, mate.

Listen, mate.

If you live in another country,

then you probably can't use.

Or maybe you can.

I don't know.

Probably.

try it, just say you just lie about it

to get the money.

Hey, everybody here, the Australian criminal here for mybookie.com.

What bookie?

I'm not allowed to use the website because I don't live in the United States, but I violate both domestic and international laws to sign up and gamble my fake Australian money

on sports I've never even heard of.

I've never heard of.

Yes, Australia's top sports: rugby football,

boomerang, rubik's cube,

pussy smashing,

ride the above no, no.

You ride him around,

we bring him into the bar.

It's one of the bars that we don't let him in normally.

And he's, I was like, oh, this is good.

We've ended segregation finally in 2019.

That's one of their sports.

The guy told me that when we were in Bris Vegas.

I know what guy told me that when I was there.

Remember that guy when we were in Bris Vegas?

He pulled me aside and he was telling me a bunch of stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That guy said it?

Yeah.

So it's that guy.

So if anyone is mad, they should go to that guy.

All those frog tattoos.

Yeah.

You know, the groiper tattoos.

Yeah, he did.

You seem pretty enthralled with kind of his talking points.

Well, what can I say?

He was a charming guy.

He charmed me.

You know what's really charming is winning money.

Winning money.

Let me tell you this.

If you're the kind of guy who likes to bet a little to win a lot,

then try a parlay.

For instance,

if you liked a couple of the big favorites this week, parlays are perfect because they let you bet multiple games

for a much bigger payout.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

Yeah, man, if you really want to support your team this season, don't just sit on the fucking sidelines.

Yeah.

Get in the game with mybookie.ag.

Oh, it's.ag.

Yeah.

For legal purposes.

If you're going to bet this season,

do the smart thing and go to mybookie.ag because no one gives you more ways to win.

Regardless, whether you've been betting for years or you're ready to play for the first time, my Bookie is your best betting.

Because I don't know about you guys, but for me, a game is 10 times more exciting when I'm putting my money on it.

So true, man.

Sometimes I just have a gut feeling about a matchup, and sometimes I'm just betting on my team because they're my team.

Oh, my God.

You know what they call that?

Tribalism.

Which we're against.

I think it's a good thing.

Or we're for it.

Yeah.

So go to mybookie.ag, and if you join right now, my bookie will double your first opponent.

What is.ag?

Attorney General?

I don't know, man.

It's probably, I mean, let's go.

That's how you know that they're on the other side.

That's not a great song.

Legally speaking,

is that they have an attorney general domain name.

That's right.

A lot of people, they hear, you know, illegal online sports betting.

That's a real big turn off for some people.

Some people hear a criminal enterprise and they think,

I don't know about this, but I tell you, mybookie.com is the only sports booking website that has a dot attorney general, dot agent.

That's right.

Would they be doing anything illegal or have shady business practices with a.attorney general

domain?

Yeah.

Of course not.

And we don't know if it stands for that for sure.

But we have a hunch.

It could stand for a girl.

Ooh.

Which, are you calling women liars?

Because if you are thinking educated.

I believe women.

I believe them about Harvey Weinstein, and I believe them when they said, I don't know about you guys, but for me, a game is 10 times more exciting when I'm putting my money on it.

I believe them when they said that, too.

I believe the women that said that

at the

girl top-level domain.

So tell you what, between football season, the MLB playoffs, and the start of the NBA and NHL seasons, it's time to get off the sideline and get in on the action.

Because this is true.

If you use mybookie.com, they actually let you play in the games.

Yep, if you use it enough.

If you put enough money down, at least it's going to, it starts around $500,000, $700,000.

Once you put down, if you make enough, well, that's actually true.

If you have enough money to buy one of the teams,

you can make yourself a player, but you have to do it through my bookie.

You have to bet that money first.

You have to bet the money.

The only way to get enough money to buy an NHL team to demand to be on the ice.

Except your gloves also have razors in them.

Nice.

I would be the Blades guy.

If I played in the NHL, my style would be shredder.

My position would be enforcer.

Yeah.

But I would

have knives.

I would have two katanas.

Interesting.

And you would then slice the other people's skin and I would cut people's arms and legs off.

Because I'm an enforcer.

That's, yeah, dude.

That's old.

That's smash mouth hockey.

That's how hockey used to work back.

That's when Bobby Orr was on the ice.

They had katanas.

Maces, all that kind of shit.

You know what Wayne Gretzky said is you fucking lose 100% of the games.

Where you don't fuck.

Or wear a katana on your sleeve.

Wayne Gretzky famously said, you lose every game you ever play.

If your dick is tiny.

Yeah.

If you're a bitch, it doesn't matter how many times you win, you're still a bitch.

That's why I fight on the ice.

And if you join right join right now, my bookie will double your first deposit.

If you really want to support your team this season, don't just sit on the sidelines.

Get in the game with mybookie.ag.

That's alpha

galpha.

Alpha galpha.

And mybookie.com.

That's M is in Malpha.

Y is in Yalpha.

B is in

Alpha.

O is in Alpha.

Alpha.

Yeah, K is in

Kalpha.

I is in whatever you get it.

And if you join right now, my bookie will double your first deposit.

Use promo code COMTON to activate the offer.

That's promo code ComeTown to double your cash.

Visit mybookie.ag today as in F-A-G.

No.

Second letters.

I mean, I guess technically, yeah.

Yeah.

Technically speaking, but I wouldn't think of it that way, guys.

I know, I'm just saying.

If that's how you want to remember it.

No, I think it's pretty easy.

Look, we're all familiar with the regular ass.ag domain name, man.

No one needs to remember it.

You win, get that's a regular website at mybookie.geocities.ru slash

patriotism slash trump underscore bet dot virus.

Check out their great website.

Yeah, mybookie.ru slash hunter underscore biden penis picks dot zip.

PPT

mybookie.com, yeah, promo code.

It's something like up to, yeah, your first, double your first deposit up to something thousand.

Yep.

I don't know what it is.

But yeah, promo code

Como Prode.

Como Prode.

Como Prode.

Como Prode

Comtown.

The man.

You heard the man.

Yeah.

You heard the man himself?

How about mycookie.com?

And it's a delivery cookie website.

And every and you sign up,

it's $32 a month, and every month you get a shipment of different types of cookies.

But here's the real trick:

what I'm doing on the back end is going to all the Mrs.

Fields franchises and buying their day-old cookies where you get five pounds of cookies for $5.

Is that real?

Yeah.

And then you just repackage them as like these $35 package specials.

Smart.

Fucking send them out to people.

I love that.

Yeah.

Did you really get that?

Five pounds for $5?

Dude, when I used to work in the mall, I would go to Mrs.

Fields and my lunch every day would be five pounds of cookies.

That's cost-effective.

It's funny how when you're like just trash, like things like that just make sense.

You're like, yeah, it takes care of lunch, dinner.

So you don't understand what you're doing to your body.

Nothing.

You don't know how much that you're, just how much better you'd feel if you had like a salad and a vegetable.

Yeah, nah, yeah.

I used to go to Burger King and fucking ask for like the food that got messed up.

And then one of the African guys that worked there got mad at me.

He's like, you can't do this.

I'm like, fuck you.

I do it all the time.

Please.

And he's like, give me a fucked up whopper.

Yeah, and then he told on me.

What?

Yeah, to my manager.

They were like, yeah, the security said there was some issue with you yelling.

Because I threw like a drink across.

I didn't throw it at him, but I was like, fuck this place

because

they got in trouble for asking for

fucked up food for food they were going to throw out, anyways, a Burger King.

Yeah, well, he wanted it for himself, dude.

I know he did.

He was feeding his family

of however many.

Yeah,

I would say about four.

Four,

four to seven to nine.

Anywhere in that range.

R2D2.

Oh, fuck.

When I was coming back from Louisville, there was a fucking some kind of

like metal festival, and I saw Marilyn Manson in the in the airport.

That's awesome.

Yeah, he was sucking his own dick.

He was sucking his own dick.

He was rolling down, like, he was in a circle, sucking his own dick, and his handlers were just pushing him towards his gate.

This is him sucking his own dick in the security line.

And they're like, no, no, no.

I said, take your shoes off.

He's like, oh, I'm sorry.

And he puts his shoes on the belt

and fucking walks through the machine.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

He didn't have to wait in line, dude.

He fucking superseded that shit.

Celeb status, bro.

Yeah.

But he was still in the airport, so I guess, you know.

The beautiful beep bow.

The beautiful beep bow.

The beautiful penis.

The beautiful penis.

Yeah, he had a.

Oh.

He had pretty puffy cheeks.

Oh,

yeah, from blowing himself for 25 years.

Really?

You think that puffs your cheeks up?

Yeah.

The beautiful people.

What do you think the puff happens from?

I don't know.

Is that even a Marilyn Manson song?

I don't think it is.

No, it is.

Is it?

Yeah.

I don't know a single Marilyn Manson song.

Yeah, you do.

That one.

That one.

The Beautiful People.

The fucking Sweet Dreams remake.

Yeah, but that's not his song.

Yeah, it is.

No, it's that bitch with red hair.

What's that one that's like a American?

Some of them want to suck you.

Yeah, the eurhythmics.

Some of them want to fuck your ass.

That song's tight.

That is a good song.

Yeah.

I'm gay.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's when they were exploring like hot androgynous women in the 80s.

I'll take that.

And then they went too far.

I like that, dude.

I like,

because you're like, wow.

This is I don't kind of because at first you're like, hmm, she kind of looks like a dude.

I'm really not into this.

Then clothes come out, titties are out, and you're like, oh, nice.

It's a girl after all.

Yeah.

It's like a surprise for yourself.

Yeah.

You thought you were going to have sex with a man.

And then it turns out, nope.

The hot lady.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's kind of my, that's kind of my thing.

Like Suzanne Powder.

Who's that?

She was an exercise mogul.

Back in the...

Back when, like, you're...

Back when the only option to not be a fat piece of shit was fucking like

What's his name?

Tony no, not Tony Gazelle Susan Powder no

Richard Simmons Richard Simmons.

Yeah, that was like the only you either fat as shit or you like bought those tapes.

That's true.

That was the only options you had available to you.

Oh, yeah, I would smash Susan Powder.

Yeah.

Easy money, bro.

Yeah.

I remember because my grandpa was fat as shit and they got him like a Susan Powder, like a video tape.

And he was like, no.

I'm dying.

I will die

before I do this kind of shit.

I'm going to eat myself to death.

Yeah, you know what, dude?

That's so true because everyone's doing like at-home like fucking, and it's like, yeah, people were already doing that shit just with a videotape.

Fucking Peloton just stole Richard Simmons' whole shit, dude.

Here's a great tweet from Colin Corgi.

K and Title.

I don't know.

Let's fucking.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Someone just sent it to me.

Okay, what does it say?

I thought this was maybe a bigger account than it is when I put them on blast.

They only have 500 followers.

Oh, okay.

Well, yeah.

Damn.

And now people are going to look him up.

It just says, hey, entitled dudes.

Just a reminder that women on here don't owe you anything.

Here's a helpful list of just a few things they don't owe you: their time, their energy,

their emotional labor, an answer, an explanation, a reply, a follow, shut, up.

A follow back.

Like, what do you think is, like, what is this?

What's going on in your mind that you fucking pull out your phone and type that in there?

He's just, he wants that.

He wants the worst form of clout possible.

I just, and you know, and then he.

And you know, he's trying to get pussy.

He hits send, and then he did whatever dumb fantasy is happening in his head where it's like, you know,

I did it.

I did something.

People remember me as somebody that did something, that said something.

Somebody that had to just had to say it and had to say it.

I reached my break.

Thank God I was here.

I just had to say something.

Some of them want to fuck you.

I tell you, man, the group chats have gotten me sucked back into Twitter.

And

it's garbage.

It's so bad now.

Yeah.

It's so much fucking worse than it was.

Bro, I was never big at Twitter, and now I just log on.

Whatever memes going on, I post about how I have a little penis in the the meme format.

Yeah, and that's basically it for me, man.

I just see dumb shit all day long that makes me like just question because it's like it's not even people arguing with each other anymore.

They'll take anything and use it to like, oh, yeah, you know, make a fake argument, argue with someone that doesn't exist, even.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like, who is this about?

Who are you mad about?

Yeah.

Although everyone was mad at the queer eye guys or something.

I thought Prospector88 was dead for like six hours until he DM'd me.

And I was like, fuck this website.

I was about to just shit.

I was ready to just shit on so many people because I thought he killed himself.

Why would he have killed himself?

I don't know.

His life sucks.

Oh.

I don't.

You know what?

It's funny.

It's like, I didn't even think to ask that question.

I thought he killed himself and then I found

at no point was I like, why would he have killed himself?

It's like, of course he killed himself.

right?

It makes sense.

Of course, he killed himself.

Why wouldn't he kill himself?

Everybody's like, he's probably just taking a three-hour break from the internet.

Wait, how long was he not on Twitter?

Four or five days.

And the last thing he uploaded was a video of him sitting in his car listening to the office soundtrack.

And he's like looking around his car.

And then there's like a hose coming into the

hell yeah.

That's a great bit.

If that guy killed himself that way, salute forever.

He's talented enough to do that, which is why you're like,

A, I wish I thought of that.

Or what would have been awesome is to just, if no one knows who he is,

just that's how you log off forever.

That would be awesome.

Uh-huh.

Because he doesn't have like his name attached or anything, does he?

No, I don't think so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the way you go out.

Yeah.

Did you see that thing about that guy, the furry, who like amputated his own hands?

Hell yes.

I think he told me about it.

Cut the circulation off to his own hands so that he could have paws.

So he could have his hands removed and rules.

He had his pause.

And presented it in kind of this way.

We're like, well, accidents happen.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

An accident where you.

Yeah, didn't he plunge his hands into dry ice?

Fucking hours waiting for your hands to turn purple.

And be like, whoops.

Does he have paws now?

I don't know if he has paws.

He like fucking cut his hands off at like, you know, mid-forearm.

Damn.

But then it was like a month after, or like a week or a half after that that people started with this like, well, it's queer bashing to make fun of furries.

It's It's like, all right, let's bring, let's bring the guy out again,

let's bring the hands guy out again,

let's put him front and center.

Wait, are furries gay?

Well, it's kink, and then that like falls under like queer stuff.

So, I don't know.

No, it fucking does.

What?

Every kink is queer?

Well, you saw that thing at Pride Parade where those guys dressed up as like leather slave puppies were like interacting with a four-year-old girl, and people were like,

Okay, is this

which

I mean,

I my heart wants me to not ever be in the like this is a too far right right domain, but it's like

you're fucking pushing it for real, you know, and then people are like well there's nothing wrong with it and it's like it's like I just don't want to think about the outfit someone has on when they're getting fucked when they're contracting HIV on purpose, which is like even that it's like go for it, man.

It's like, just don't fucking like explain it to a four-year-old girl in graphic detail.

Yeah, well, I don't, I mean, they probably weren't doing that.

I don't know, man.

That picture is pretty bad.

Was it because it's like people are like, well, how am I going to explain this to my kid?

You know, it's like dumb conservative thing.

How am I going to explain this to your kid?

And it's like, you don't have to.

Yeah.

When the fuck do you think you need to explain it to your kid?

And then, like, a year later, it's like, okay, well, we're going to have dog sex in front of your child on Broadway.

So good luck explaining that to your kid.

Is that

I guess I don't get why you would dress up

in your fuck outfit to go on parade.

Shouldn't that be just a fuck?

I don't know, man.

And then the whole thing's like sponsored by MasterCard.

I know, that's the best part.

Like, what is going on?

Some of them want to suck me,

some of them want to see my balls, some of them will fuck me,

fuck me in my ass.

Have you ever been to Kentucky, my mate?

Me?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where?

Lexington.

Did you like it?

I don't know.

I kind of just slept there.

Nice.

I was on the road.

A fucking road dog.

Back in the day, yep.

I definitely got to get it.

I had a little dalliance with getting too fucked up.

Well, a load dog.

That's what they call you.

No.

That's what I've heard from other comics.

They call call him you the load dog.

Oh, because I bust so many loads.

No, actually, the guy at Hilarities said that

you were drinking a bunch of cum.

What?

Yeah.

Sam Klemas said that?

Sam Klemas told me that you were drinking cum, and you were like, hey, everybody, it's me, the cum dog.

You had a leather puppy dog outfit.

No.

I've never drank cum.

The load dog.

Are you thinking of different Stavros?

Was there a different Stavros comedian that drinks come?

No, he had GSH.

He was a big fat guy.

Yeah.

Fuck, dude.

I'm trying to find that picture of that.

Yeah, whatever, dude.

What?

I don't remember that picture.

Ah, fuck.

Maybe not a great.

What side of your body is your heart on?

The middle.

Oh, okay, good.

Never mind then.

I'm not having a heart attack.

Probably just my muscles getting ready to

fire up.

Blake just had a heart attack.

No, really?

Yeah.

Damn.

I mean, he does a lot of cocaine.

But he looks less fat.

He seems less fat than he's been.

So, Pup Chester writes, my take on kink fetish at Pride events.

If you take your kids for a family day out at Pride and they see stuff that's a bit much for their young minds to to translate, then that's on you as a parent.

Pride should not be a kid-friendly place, it's not a day out.

That I agree with.

That's a good point.

Yeah, that's that's fair.

If you want to make it a fuck festival, which I guess it is, yeah.

Can I see the picture?

Well, this is a video, so this is these are people dressed up like dogs.

This is not the picture I saw.

This just seems dumb.

And then here's a baby watching it.

It's like a literal baby, but see, these guys have pants on, yeah, yeah, no, that's not too bad, he's just got the mask on.

There was one I saw where, like, they're just, I mean, it's like the gimp from fucking

pulp fiction with his ass just purely out, yeah,

um, and that was pretty funny to me.

Oh, baby,

um, hmm, I guess I should put my phone down.

Yeah, probably.

Maybe we should plan our fucking trip to the pumpkin patch, dude.

Attorney General Barr has held private meetings overseas with foreign intelligence officials seeking their help in a Justice Department inquiry that Trump hopes will discredit U.S.

intelligence agency's examination of Russian interference.

Nice.

Yeah.

Dude, I hope he just fucking

drags the whole big goddamn thing down with him.

He might, dude.

Yeah.

Didn't he accuse someone of being treasonous?

Yeah, he called Alan Omorr a traitor.

No, he said, he said, like,

lately, he said someone should be investigated for treason.

I don't know.

I mean, it's like,

yeah.

Do you think people would kill if he was like, go out in the streets and kill?

I hope these investigate.

I think they will.

I hope he continues to do wildly illegal shit and everything that the fucking impeachment fails.

He gets a second term and continues to just act just incredibly fucking out of line and break the law left and right.

And every investigation drags a bunch of fucking like Democrats with him.

Right.

You know, I hope it just, yeah, I hope he's just a fucking cancer that every time they try to fight it, they end up just like

killing what they would consider to be healthy cells.

That would be hilarious.

Like you think well, I thought that's what this Epstein thing was going to be.

Yeah.

You know, I really thought that they like people would run with the Epstein thing and then find some dirt on Trump that also implicates Clinton and all these other people.

Unfortunately, I guess, you know, Epstein killed himself.

Cell, and the guards that were watching him.

All the guilt had gotten to him.

Yeah, the guards watching him weren't employees, and there's no record of them, and the cameras weren't working

both of them.

Yeah.

And that's that's really fucking bad luck.

Yeah, it's really weird that that happened, and there's been no inquiry into the weird temple on his island or like where all the evidence from the case went.

you know not yeah, well, it's dude.

You gotta let go and let God dude.

Yeah,

you can't let shit like that drag out.

It's

you just can't even think about it.

It's just like

didn't some lady that accused Prince Andrew like die in a plane crash or something?

And it's also now there's all these like dip shits trying to be like,

yeah, if you care about Epstein that much, it's like, there's other things going on.

It's like, no, there's not.

There really isn't.

You're trying to hand wash that as like fucking like,

oh, well, conspiracy, like,

you know, that fucking

thing believing in Epstein conspiracies isn't a personality, which is like, yeah, that's not why people care about it.

Yeah.

It was, we were so close to having some wild shit blown open.

All right.

Like, listen, I'm such an obvious case of fucking, like, corruption and cover-up.

And, like, you can say there's more, there's important shit that needs your attention.

That's fine.

Yeah.

But you have to realize this is some wild ass shit.

Yeah.

The motherfucker got murdered.

No one, like, he clearly did.

Kevin Spacey just murdered somebody.

Yeah, that was awesome.

I mean, it's just like all these people that are connected

murdering people.

Yeah.

Murdering the one of them that got caught, dead to rights.

De-Lane Max.

Well, no,

just no interest in finding that bitch.

No one cares.

She's submitting fake photos of herself to the New York Post.

She's publishing them without question.

No one cares.

God damn.

It's like, yeah, I don't really give a shit that the president is like actively committing treason.

I mean, that's

wild.

I mean, it's very, it's very funny to me.

It honestly is funny.

Yeah.

That he's going to other countries being like, hey, can you help?

Can you just find some shit on Joe Biden?

Yeah.

I'd be like, um,

okay.

That video where fucking like Chris Christie went on the news before the transcript came out and he's like, you're not going to find anything there.

Unless he says something like wildly damning.

Yeah, like, do me a favor.

And then the tape is just, listen, do me a favor.

I love him.

I know, dude.

I don't understand how you don't see him as sort of like a

not really an antichrist.

Well, yeah, sort of an antichrist.

But if you've been let down by Christ so much, it's like, well, is the anti-who's worse?

The antichrist?

Yes.

Or all of the people in the middle?

I mean, probably him still.

The antichrist?

Yeah.

I don't know about that.

I mean, he's still worse, man.

Yeah.

There's still plenty of non-chill things happening.

But it is funny.

Damn.

What the fuck is this thing?

What's the name this is awesome?

It's the planet Earth.

Fuck, dude.

What do you mean, what is this thing?

Like the cloud.

Look what he just asked, what is this?

That's insane.

Is that...

What is that?

Lava?

It's no, it's lights from cities.

Oh,

it's like a fucking mile above this earth.

I thought it was lava.

No.

Are you sure, man?

Yes.

Over there at the end, that's not lava.

No, these are cities.

Hmm.

And there's lightning storm, though.

That's cool.

Uh-huh.

Anyway.

What the hell is it?

It could not more clearly just be like that.

Nah, dude, that looks like lava.

These are clouds.

I've got the clouds.

I thought that was like bright-ass lava, but I guess now I sort of see.

Well, hold on.

I mean, I get it does look like lava.

I think it's lava.

It's not lava.

That's not lights, dude.

Well, I don't have my glasses on, but I'm telling you, that's definitely the earth.

Yeah, it looks like how a city would spread out and be dense in the middle of the night.

Nah, bro, that shit's lava.

It's not lava.

What the fuck?

What's that, bro?

At the very end, the cracks and shit?

More cities.

It's just, those are fucking streets.

No.

It's not lava.

We'll look this up later and we'll let you go.

Oh, fuck, it's gone.

We'll never know now.

Anyways.

Anyways, folks.

Are kids still playing with Hot Wheels?

I don't think so.

They are?

How do you know?

Oh, you babysit?

Yeah.

I typed in Hot Wheels in it, but I typed horror wheels accidentally.

Oh, nice.

Which they should make those for girls.

So it picks you up after.

Just call Hot Wheels Whore Wheels?

Yeah.

Instead of a walk of shame.

Yeah.

Oh, Horrheels is another Uber service.

I would love it if there was a toy company just completely fucking up this gender thing.

You know, like the G.I.

Joe people are like, we made slut

Joel.

She blows the military guys when they come back from saving the country.

And then, like,

just telling the media about it.

But she has health insurance.

Yeah.

That would be, I mean, you would probably make a nice amount of money doing that shit, dude.

What, Slut Joe?

Slut Joe L.

Oh, for sure.

If you market it as like traditional toys,

traditional lifestyle.

How about G-I-R-L-Joe?

And he's gone to a

scientist to change him into a lady,

into a girl.

And so he's got like a metal vagina.

Mm-hmm.

And

poor choice, why metal vagina, sure, yeah, because it's it's his wet, it's her weapon.

Yeah, what do you want them being fucking like raped and war?

Oh, true, they're still deployed,

okay, yeah,

yeah, come on, Abby, of course, yeah, this is why I'm the head of the toy company,

G.I.

Earl Joe,

yeah,

James G.I.

Earl Jones,

G.

I G I Earl G I R L Stein G I

Damn Work it out man.

You almost got it.

Gi Track Gi Joe Scammable Joe Gi Joe G.

I Joe G.

I Joe.

Good afternoon.

My name is Giago.

There we go.

My name is Aluwale Giago

and I am I am the professor of driving a taxi here in Uganda.

I am the dean of the University of Driving a Uber.

AOC is trying to bail out like

taxi drivers or whatever.

They're like, and like, I don't know, did you guys see that?

They have so much debt or whatever.

Like, it's like a million dollars.

How much does it cost?

Oh, yeah, a medallion.

The medallion costs like $900,000.

And I guess a lot of them are killing themselves.

Damn.

Yeah.

Because they have no prospects or whatever.

That sucks.

Yeah.

Always tip your cabbies, folks.

That's right.

And that's all I'm going to say about that.

There ain't nothing.

Give them good advice.

Not money, but

give them life pro tips on the way out.

Yeah.

Every time I get a cab, I like to say, hey, what happened to those bead things you guys used to sit on?

What happened to those things?

You remember that?

You guys all used to have those shit.

You guys all used to have that shit?

The fucking bead thing.

What happened to it?

No, I'm talking.

Hello.

Hello.

Put the phone down for a second.

Maybe you'd be better driving if you weren't on the phone with India all day long.

Instead,

talk to your passengers.

A little customer service.

Maybe you'd learn English a little quicker.

Assimilate.

Can I get one of those bead things for my car?

Where do you get those fucking things?

Where do you get them from like a market in Marrakesh or something?

From some kind of like Marrakesh market.

Hey, you ever meet Indiana, Jones?

You ever come through your village, fuck everybody up, steal a fucking amulet or something?

Let me ask you something.

If you got the option of doing this, you're making a snake come out of a basket, why aren't you doing this?

Why aren't you doing the snake thing?

Is it because it's more dangerous?

Who dies more, cab drivers or the snake guys?

Fuck.

You ever worry about that?

You open one of the baskets in your house and it's the one with the snake in it.

You're just looking for your slippers, but boom, it's the cobra basket.

And what if you don't have your flute handy?

What do you do then?

Let me ask you something.

Ron White had some joke about like, you get on the plane and you have to sit there next to some guy with a picnic basket on his head filled with cobras.

Where do they shoot you next to?

Some guy with a picnic basket full of cobras on his head?

Like, no one has that, man.

That's not even the correct.

Those guys wear turbans.

Even the guys with the fucking snakes wear turbans.

Yeah.

How does that work, snake charming?

I'm not sure.

No.

This is a practice of appearing to hypnotize a snake, often a cobra, by playing and waving an instrument or called a a pungi.

Oh, shit.

Typical performance also includes, you know, it'd be cool is to see like a snake basket and the snakes are coming out of it and Michael Rapapor is trying to charm them with raps.

And he's like, yo, why is the system whack?

We got an orange Cheeto that's making things whack.

You know, and the snakes just start biting the shit out of them.

Ah, gay, Joey, the snakes, the bite me up.

Somebody get these freaking cobras off of me.

I thought I could charm them with wraps instead of a pungy.

I thought

I was going to do a fusion thing like Paul Simon.

Where do you get a damn pungy, dude?

I don't know.

Like juggling and sleight of hand.

The practice is most common in India, though other Asian nations such as Pakistan, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, Thailand, and Malaysia are also home to performers, as are the North African countries of Egypt, Morocco, and Tunisia.

Oh.

Ancient Egypt was home to one form of snake charming, although the practical...

It's cool.

You can have a podcast where you just read Wikipedia pages.

Yeah.

Listening to the Wiki podcast.

The Wikast where we go through, and I struggle to read.

And I'm not that good at reading.

People keep sending me the video of the English, there's like a British Down syndrome.

I guess there's a lot of Down syndrome drag queen stuff going on though.

Oh, is there?

Yeah.

It seems like the majority of drag queen stuff now is now Down syndrome occupied.

Good for them.

It's DSO.

Good for them.

Which, yeah, I mean, yeah, it's fine.

I don't like, I don't understand.

Like, you know, there is like people being like, this is too far.

Why?

Yeah, who gives a shit?

If they want to dress and drag, dude, go crazy.

Yeah.

I like the idea of taking away what is already a pretty stupid competition from normal people and giving it to people with Down syndrome.

I think drag you think it's stupid?

RuPaul's Drag Race rocks, dude.

Yeah, but you could easily just have only people with Down syndrome on that show.

Oh, damn, that would be a good show.

Yeah, see what I mean?

I would watch that for sure.

Yeah.

It would be way better.

Because you can't do that with the Olympics, right?

You can't just get rid of the Olympics and only have the Special Olympics.

You still need the super special Olympics.

Yes.

The extra special.

Except for the weightlifting portion.

But everything else.

They're actually not that good at that.

Really?

Yeah.

Damn.

Yeah.

Who would have thunk?

Yeah.

No, how good are they?

The best events at the Special Olympics are shadow puppets.

The

holding small plastic objects in your mouth competition.

Where they have to hold things like Lego guys

and the rapper for a happy meal toy in their mouth wow really the one that survives

really I did not know they had that in the events yeah that's a big event that's a big that's that's their number one event some might even say whoops see Daisy here messing things up everything going everything's yeah everything's good

everything's gonna be baby We should probably just go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, it's winding down.

Well, no, what I was saying is you couldn't, you know, you couldn't replace the regular Olympics with that.

Which, you know, what's interesting?

I was thinking the other day

is that the regular Olympics, the original Olympics back in ancient Greece, were the Special Olympics because they would often use mentally disabled people to feed the lions in the Colosseum.

They would use people that were punished by Athena with the curse of idiocy.

You're fucking up all across.

Okay.

I'm not.

This is this is true.

The Coliseum is Rome.

The Olympics happen way before that.

No, I saw all this in one of the mummy sequels.

Athena, who is the god of either being smart or retarded,

she would damn the gladiators.

And that's where the word comes from is because they were always smiling, even though they were cursed.

Why is this guy so glad?

Why is this guy so glad?

Damn.

He's got a terrible you learn all that from the Scorpion King, huh?

Yeah, from the Scorpion King 3 Tokyo Drift.

I love it.

Yes, so check that out.

Learn about the history of the Special Olympics from the Scorpion King.

Come see us at Funny Movie.

Yeah.

It's like he's been at war.

He's been in the Gallic Wars with Caesar.

And then he comes home and fucking Commodus

has

the brutal ruler Commodus has gone to his house and eaten all of his chocolate chip cookies

and banished him to live as a slave in the McDonald's territory.

And he has to compete in drag shows throughout the Levant to make his way back to Rome.

Then he's just in drag in the middle of the Coliseum going, oh, you not don't entertain.

Damn, I'm about to fire up Gladiator.

Dude, I want to watch it again so bad.

I did actually watch The Mummy again last night, and it's funny because it has the terrible reviews from when it came out, but it came out in 1999, which is like the best year for movies.

Oh, yeah, that was a good-ass year for movies.

It's insane.

You think about what came out that year?

Fucking Matrix.

Matrix, Fight Club, American Beauty, The Mummy.

The best four movies ever made.

I mean, some of them.

Yeah.

No, the list is fucking Magnolia, Eyes Wide Shut.

Okay.

Election,

which I thought came out in like 93.

I was always surprised if I thought that came out in 99.

No, it is a good ass year, though.

Yeah.

But

I used to love The Damn Mummy, dude.

How about the Silence of the Clams?

Yes.

From the perspective of

Buffalo Bill.

Buffalo Bill.

Yes.

I like that idea.

Now, listen here, folks.

Why don't you come see me do stand-up comedy at Medford, the Flying Jay, October 11th, Kalamazoo,

October 19th, Detroit, October 20th, and then

November, I'm coming to Atlanta on the 23rd, Baltimore, Thanksgiving weekend, and then I'm coming to Houston

on December 13th, and I'm trying to add Austin to that.

So keep check on that shit.

Maybe it's coming out.

I'm trying to add a New Orleans date and some other little random shit somewhere in there.

But come see us at Funny Moms again on the 14th, and then every Monday after that.

And then come see me every Tuesday at Fat Mother Fucking Tuesdays, every Tuesday at the Stand Comedy Club.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, everyone.

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