Ep 174 – spinabifadiche

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I've been getting into

getting into

soda.

Diet soda.

I miss drinking.

Remember a sprite?

Every six sprite, it was like one in six, you got a free sprite.

I don't remember that.

I used to love looking under the cap.

There was a lot of cap shit you would get before the internet.

Yeah.

Now it's like to win everything, you have to put a code into the internet.

Fuck that.

Yeah.

Yeah, go to the the bottom.

Fuck that, bud.

I'm not going to shit.

And the fucking QR code?

I'm giving the fucking Yemeni guy eight bottle caps.

Yeah, I remember going with my dad to the hobby store so he could buy some model to put together while drunk and getting the sprite.

Hell yeah.

And looking under the cap and winning.

Mo better feeling.

Would you win?

I remember, I think I told this story before, but I was upset that I won because I had entered a raffle for a shed.

You felt like all your luck was used?

100%.

I'm like, god damn it.

Now I'm not going to win that fucking shed.

How old were you?

I don't know, like eight.

You needed a shed.

Of course.

I don't know, man.

I just place for himself.

That'd be cool.

An apartment for yourself.

Dude, do you know how much you wanted a fucking like a huge tree house?

It was just that vibe of like kids only.

Yeah.

Just my rules.

Yeah, my rules.

Yeah.

No one enters with a Z.

Yeah.

Did you hide porn in the woods?

No, we didn't have woods.

Oh, yeah, you're a city kid.

You didn't have woods.

We had desert.

What did you put under a cactus?

I hid it in the backyard.

Adam would like masturbate to the cactuses.

Because they looked like cocks.

They reminded him of something.

What?

Quite blazing.

Yeah.

Remind me of what?

And

the needles represented his ability

to fully embrace his true desires.

See,

I would have thought that the needle on a cactus represented his dick on top of an average to a slightly below average dick.

That's the ratio.

No, it's

going to represent that.

There's so many needles.

Yeah, well, okay.

So you wouldn't think that.

One needle happens to be your dick.

Yeah, just come on.

People don't think in those terms.

Well, you do.

I don't think in those terms.

You just presented it in those terms.

No, I was saying you did.

Why?

I wouldn't think that way.

That's stupid.

You were speculating that I did think that way.

Well, I was saying with certainty that you do think that.

And I know it for a fact.

Okay.

Because I read your diary.

Well, I'll give you a look inside my mind.

Damn, I love drinking soda.

What's your favorite right now?

Well, I'm only drinking diet soda.

I found an artisanal, like I think I even sent it to the group chat that like weird little root beer.

It was like a diet root beer.

I never liked root beer, I always thought root beer was gay.

What?

What?

It has the word beer in it.

Yeah, first of all, it has the word beer in it.

I don't know.

I never actually, you know what?

I did have a little bit of a

little beer phase.

A little mug root beer phase.

Oh, yeah.

With the shit you you put in the fucking freezer, the water.

You ever get one of those mugs?

No, no, mug brand beer.

Mug root beer.

The brand.

And Barks was the other one.

No, I had a phase of like, I think they were like novelty cups, and I think they were AW.

Yes.

That was my absolute favorite.

There's liquid in the cup.

That was my absolute cup.

There's a bog like that.

This says liquid in the cup.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Thin layer.

Yeah, you put that in the freezer.

Use it for iced coffees.

Nice.

This was nice.

This was a Dunkin' Donuts promotion from seven years ago.

It's got a holographic thing on it.

You could go get your shit refilled for like half the price as long as you had the

souvenir cup.

Now that's respect.

Look into

my budgeting system back

in the day.

They had a lot of that.

They had those big-ass KFC ones.

Or pop ones and KFC ones.

Dude, I remember when the KFC Twisters came out, those chicken wraps.

I was like, I gotta go.

I gotta have one of these things.

You know what got me that way?

It's so fucking stupid, and they weren't even good.

It was like

there was just a Burger King chicken sandwich.

Yeah, this chicken sandwich shit happened years, like 15 years ago, but they sucked, and we still went.

Nah, the thing I love, the Popeyes Po Boy.

I've never caught that.

I've never had it.

Popeyes had a Po Boy for me.

I think it bothered chicken and

it was awesome.

That sounds incredible.

I would love that.

Yeah.

I love a lot of things.

Those are the things I was.

I was watching 9-11 9-11 videos earlier today.

Thinking about Popeye's Pro Boys drinking soda.

Hell yeah.

That shed I could have won.

Fuck, I would have loved a shed.

And you know, if you had a shed, you would have put out, it would be like dirty.

A little window in the front, you just lean out of it.

You know, you get your elbow coming out of that window.

Oh, yeah.

Shut the door, you're in there.

People come by.

They're like, man, that guy must be, that kid must be so cool.

That's a cool ass kid.

You're imagining this whole awesome setup with a bunch of computers and screens and shit.

No, not not even.

No?

No.

No, just a single chair.

Yeah, probably.

I don't remember having any plans for the shed other than...

Oh, really?

Just to be in it.

Yeah.

I think it was after I watched Blank Check.

So I thought I was going to have such cool shit in it.

Just with

absolutely no money whatsoever.

No ability to even understand how a television is hooked up to anything.

But that's all I wanted.

I wanted a secret fucking

like a layer in the basement.

I remember he had a boxing ring that was like bouncy, and he had huge like boxing gloves, like enormous boxing gloves.

And he fought his chauffeur that he hired with his $1 million that he stole.

Damn, I wish there was a.

I want to see the deleted scene where that lady sucks off that kid.

I didn't like that movie.

Come on, dude.

Yeah, Blank Check was not for me.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

It was pure aspirational cinema.

And it was because it was on a VHS that I got from my grandma's house that was blank check and

going to Mexico.

What's going to Mexico?

I don't know.

Another

movie that they would play on cable, I guess.

She would tape movies off of cable, but then

there would always be two movies on each VHS.

The double feature.

Yeah, I remember Labamba and Garbo Talks.

And I would watch Labamba.

I liked La Bamba.

With Blue Diamond Phillips, right?

Yeah.

As Richie Valence?

Yeah, and I would never, I would never.

La la la la la bamba.

Please suck

That was my favorite song when I was a kid.

Please fuck my ass.

I actually have a lot of money.

I used to go to Johnny Rockets with my parents and make them play La Bahamba on the Gunts.

And I'd throw a tantrum if I didn't get La Bahamba going.

Why is that little girl crying?

Yeah, the two-year-old.

Greta?

No, he's.

We're talking about you.

You're not talking about me.

I thought you were talking about it.

Adam was just like Greta when he was younger.

He would go around the world giving impassioned speeches about someone needs to fuck his ass.

this isn't fair

I shouldn't be here not getting my ass fucked people are dying

well I think the just the confidence that that it takes to give a speech should be celebrated yeah that's true for a kid to stand up in front of adults that's first of all saying that I need to get my ass fucked that's true that's a that's a precocious little kid anybody Greta doesn't bother me like the Parkland kids I thought the Parkland kids were all trying to get into like a good college.

Greta seems like she's very pure.

I fuck with Greta.

Yeah.

I don't understand why people are mad at her.

She's like autistic and like doesn't even...

English isn't even her first language.

I don't even understand why.

I mean, it's like, what the fuck?

Does she have infer?

She's not a scientist.

She's just a child.

A kid activist.

Yeah, but people know that climate, like...

It's like it's not, you know, I don't know.

No one gives a fuck what nerds say, dude.

They want to see what a little kid

with a fucked up little brain has to say.

This kid doesn't know shit about climate change.

They're showing up.

They're like, oh, I'm the child.

That is annoying to me.

I'm sorry.

I've been watching.

She's going to die.

I haven't seen a single video.

Me neither.

I saw a video of a fat boy standing in front of her to protect her, and it was pretty cool.

My man also was autistic.

She smiled.

Every generation has their problem, right?

For them, they all get to die in a fireball.

Us, I've got gaming elbow.

That's purple tunnel.

That is true.

No, it's different.

That's your wrist.

You got that from typing love letters to sailors.

No, I hand wrote those.

Dad, for your fifth birthday, you asked to go see the sailors come into port.

Yeah, and for a quill.

I wanted ink and quill and parchment.

Adam could show up with a big lollipop and blink at all the sailors.

Just blink both eyes.

Just flutter his eyebrows at the sailors.

His eyelashes.

Oh, you're going to be

such a good gay guy when you grow up one day.

And he wants eyelash extensions for his birthday

and then to go down to Coronado to blink at the sailors.

They make my blue eyes pop.

He wants a big lollipop and a dress.

That is fun.

No, I got gaming elbow, dude.

I played.

I only got to play it for an hour.

I didn't realize that the open beta for Modern Warfare is like there was a cutoff today.

Oh, no.

But from what I played, sick.

So you're not going to die?

Yeah, I guess not.

I guess I'll spend $100 on the special operator

pre-passage.

Of course.

So I can get a gun, like a fall camo, tiger camo.

Yes.

You know, on all my weapons.

Yes.

On all my loadouts.

You got to have your little weapons look cute.

Yeah.

Fucking tiger camo, loadout,

gun in the mouth.

Can you make your guy look cute, too?

They put girls in this game, too.

And it's like, I think if you want to be like realistic, you want to put girls in there,

there should be, if you, I think, and this is, and this is going to sound wrong, but go ahead.

But it's warfare.

You know, it's unconventional.

Okay, I know where this is going.

If you and a teammate melee a female enemy both at the same time, she's held down and gang raped.

And then it adds time to your research.

He's saying that it happens.

No, he's saying it happens in war.

It happens in war.

If there was a woman there, like, yeah, good for her.

She's a badass chick, but there are dire consequences.

I think.

Do you think they

rape most women in war?

If you and a teammate both melee the female player at the same time.

Gotcha.

This isn't a thing where they're always dying that way.

Most of the time, they're just being shot in the face or the pussy.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Of course.

You know, I mean, they get iced out like everybody else.

With getting shot in the pussy, that would be more damaging because it's an easier path inside your body.

That's true.

You would have to shoot up into the pussy.

Or what if you hit the strong?

You have to go down on the ground and then shoot up.

You sort of have to do a roll and then an up.

And then that is true.

She'd have to be standing with her legs completely spread.

She'd have to get underneath and shoot into her pussy.

You'd have to do one of those slide maneuvers from like a John Wu movie.

I guess that's the same could be said of a man's ass.

The asshole is a little bit more on the back.

That's what I'm saying.

The pussy's more underneath.

Should we be aiming at anyone's ass regardless of gender in war?

All is fair in love and war.

That's true.

That's true.

That's the name of

some fucking poem or some shit.

Yeah, I think so.

Some long ass, fucking boring poem.

My friend showed me a video yesterday of this lady lady in England.

Nick's probably already seen it.

But this lady in England went to bed with, yeah, it's Gayporn.

Went to bed with a migraine.

And then she woke up Chinese.

I brought that up like a year ago.

Okay.

And then you guys said it was fake.

Oh, okay.

I don't remember anything we talk about.

I can't believe people listen to this fucking show, dude.

I feel like we just say the same things.

Yeah, probably.

No.

No?

No.

There's always.

That thing about raping a woman in Call of Duty, that's uncharted.

Yeah, that's true.

Although, I don't know.

That's a new thought I just had playing the new Call of Duty.

That's cool.

Can you even tell they're women?

Aren't they in like body armor and shit?

No.

Some of them are like

voice actors, and it's like,

Don't worry, I help you, or whatever, because they're like rebels, I guess.

It's so funny.

It's like, because you know, Modern Warfare, Modern Warfare came out, the first one, in like 2007, maybe.

So it's all about

killing brown people.

Well, yeah, we've been in that modern war for fucking two decades.

It's the same fucking warfare.

Yeah, modern warfare now would just be drones.

Yeah, what it was truly.

Vietnam ended in 1975.

And then,

so what do you got?

25 years until 2000.

28.

So 28 years until the Iraq war.

What about Desert Storm?

Yeah, I guess, yeah, that counts.

So not even.

It's fucking what?

20?

15?

18 years?

Something like that.

No.

I don't fucking know, dude.

Hold on.

15.

Why the fuck did we...

What was Desert Storm about?

They invaded Kuwait.

Yeah,

Saddam was gassing Kurds.

Oh, damn.

And he invaded Kuwait.

It's pretty fucked up.

And Kuwait's like a major...

Will not stand.

Yeah, and they're like a major oil supplier.

And we just fucked his ass a little bit, and then he was like, all right, all right, all right.

Yeah, with the quickness, yeah.

And then Mark Wahlberg found Treasure.

And that's the movie Three Kings.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I've never seen it.

I've seen the other Mark Wahlberg movie where he's

an army guy.

What's that, Sniper or something?

Or a shooter?

No, shooter is with John Cena.

Is it?

Yes.

Whatever.

A WWE film, Entertainment, World Wrestling Entertainment Films.

What's the other

Wahlberg military movie?

Lone Survivor.

Oh, yeah.

That was pretty good.

That movie's gay.

What's it?

Lone Survivor?

I thought it was pretty good.

Oh, no, that's behind the enemy lines I'm thinking of.

But that was Owen Wilson, right?

Owen Wilson was in the movie.

Who is that?

Yeah, it's Owen Wilson.

I forget who the other actor is.

Yeah.

And it's like Bosnia or some shit.

Yeah.

Some like, yeah, they're they're in like the Balkans.

And his like fucking.

It's like, wow.

Yeah, his.

Yeah, there you go, Adam.

Do the.

Go ahead.

It's wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

They've got.

There's a fucking.

The Balkans are fucking gay.

Yeah.

His plane gets shot down.

He has to eject.

And he's just in the woods.

Which, I don't know, all of that area just looks like Pennsylvania.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's like gray and what are we talking like Albania?

Yeah, like uh Croatia.

Bulgaria?

Yeah.

Nah, Croatia's cute, dude.

At the beach.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

Serbia.

Have you ever gotten head from a Balkan person?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Who were they?

This really cool guy.

This was Slavodan Milosevic.

Slavod Milosevic.

Slavodon.

Bulgarian.

Nice.

Yeah.

My mother was born in Bulgarian.

I met you.

Was it my mother?

Bulgarian?

That was really hot.

What?

She's ethnically Greek, though.

She fucked.

She sucked my dick.

You're gay.

You're gay.

I got my dick sucked by that guy that drank that poison in International War Crimes Court.

No, that guy fucked you.

Because the judge told him that I was actually a guy.

I wasn't.

And that's why he drank the poison?

That's why I drank the poison.

That guy must have been.

You know what?

Let's leave the calling you gay to us.

Thanks.

No, I'm just trying to join in.

I'm trying to join in on the fun.

Well, maybe, maybe don't.

All right.

That is fucked up of you, Adam.

Well, I guess I'm not gay.

I'm not going to get your own bits.

And we'll call you gay.

No, you are gay.

To be clear.

You are gay.

You are gay.

No, we'll lie.

Nick is actually gay.

We'll take care of you.

Well, yeah, but you're calling you gay.

No, you're gay.

You call me gay because I have a slight affect in the way I speak.

And I'm

now that I think about it, you're right.

We're calling you gay because right now you're projecting, you have one of those little throw project short throw projectors, and you're watching gay pornography on the ceiling.

Yeah, your forehead is actually transparent, and there's two 1920s cartoons blowing each other.

That's not how brains work.

Two guys are sawing, another guy's dick in half.

You're in a factory?

And they're going back and forth.

They have really juicy asses, too, in a gay way.

All right, that's very creative calling me gay.

Thank you.

It's a duck and a pig on a push part.

Those aren't even people.

I'm taking turns sucking dicks off us.

Yeah, but they're gay.

They're gay animals.

Have you ever seen cartoons, man?

Was Bugs Bunny a person, you fucking idiot?

Yeah.

He was a rabbit.

Exactly.

Elmer Fudd was a person.

Then

that's the exception.

What do you mean, the exception?

Most tunes,

particularly of that era, were animals.

So don't try and get.

But if I wanted to fuck Bugs, I'd be gay.

Into Rabbits.

He's clearly.

And by the way, Bugs is.

He's great, dude.

I like it.

When he dresses up like a lady, I was going to say.

Well, that's being gay.

See?

That is gay.

I guess Bugs isn't.

Bugs is gay, but it's cool.

It's chill.

He's honestly,

he's fucking.

He's a drag queen, if you think about it.

You guys watch the Emmys?

What's going on at the Emmys?

I don't know.

Shit's sucked.

Who won?

I don't fucking know.

I was high as shit.

All I wanted to do was watch football, and Eldis had to fucking watch the Emmys for his job.

I watched that game last night.

It came down to whatever.

Fuck the Browns.

Baltimore Raiders all goddamn day.

Lamar Jackson.

No fucking bitch-ass Cleveland team is going to beat us.

Baker Mayfield could suck my hard-ass penis.

Yeah, do you want to bet on it?

I do, actually.

Where do you want to bet on it?

Oh, fuck.

What are they called?

My Bookie.

Yeah, what is that, Adam?

It's an awesome website.

It's an award-winning website that's been paying winners for

decades.

Decades now.

It's one of my favorite places.

Even before the internet.

It's actually one of my favorite places to gamble.

It's actually my favorite place to gamble.

Yeah, I've heard from numerous people that it's the place to bet on football every weekend.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that's why I bet against the balls.

It's kind of like the little St.

James Island of sports books.

Offshore, totally illegal.

Yep.

Totally unauthorized.

That's right.

Only cool rich guys do it.

You remember they used to have like, they would sell like a blockbuster like fucking

books that were like cheat codes and it's like totally unauthorized.

Like the company's like, don't let anyone know those those cheats.

We're going to be pissed if anyone cheats at the game.

We give a fuck after we sell it to you what you do with it.

Yeah, that was like a huge marketing thing.

It's like the cheat codes.

PlayStation doesn't want you to know.

They don't want you to know.

They don't want you.

They get more money if it takes you longer to beat the game.

Yeah.

That's what my bookie is.

Like, it's the totally unauthorized, completely

cool guy with a child.

Fucking

slave.

There are no children

involved.

Of betting.

Of betting.

But it is betting.

They don't have that, but it's as cool as those things.

Yeah, if they had it.

Mybookie.com, imagine

your Cessna 287 lands.

I don't even know if that's one of them.

Whatever.

It sounds right.

You dig it so hard.

I wouldn't have said that.

The Cessna 287 lands on the strip, and

the blades are kicking up a windstorm, and there's a guy in a linen suit with a long face and short gums.

Yes.

And

he goes, Gray hair.

So good to see you back at the island.

And you say, Jeffy, baby, I thought they got you.

And he's like, they'll never get me.

I don't know if that's how he spoke.

Oh, come on.

You know they'll never get me.

It is.

Did he?

Yeah.

And it's like, we've rebranded the island as my bookie.

So join me in my Jewish temple/slash piano playing room.

I don't know if it was a Jewish temple.

Well, those are the only two explanations I saw, is that it was a place for him to Jewishly play piano as part of his relationship.

That sounds like a good explanation.

I mean, why?

That's such a

like of any explanation that you could come up with.

Oh, yeah.

It's like, well, you know how Jews need a creepy temple to play piano in?

Yeah, we've all been to synagogues.

Right.

Like the bad guy, Owl, from Rockadoodle,

anyways.

That's my bookie is D plays to bet on football every weekend.

They got better bonuses and more prop bets than any other sports.

I love that.

Both of those things.

Period.

Period.

Period.

This year they're hosting the first online handicapping super contest.

First place is guaranteed to win

at least

$100,000.

Whoa.

Can you imagine what you want to do?

Can you use that money, you fucking idiot listening?

Can you imagine what you would do with $100,000 after buying a racing wheel and fucking

and cocaine?

I would probably buy a custom track suit.

I would probably

buy too many tracksuits.

Yep.

Yeah.

First place is guaranteed to win at least

$100,000.

Wow.

And it only costs $100 dinner.

You're a fucking idiot with a little ass fucking dick if you don't put that $100 down.

That's a return on investment.

400 times is much.

It's 400 times.

It's a return on investment of 400%.

And it only costs $100 dinner.

Dude, $100,

you barely go to the fucking movies these days.

That is what a movie ticket is.

To win the $100,000 investment.

In Midtown Manhattan, all you need to do is pick five NFL games.

That's it.

You pick the games, and then you win the $100,000 games.

Pick them.

You just point to them.

You have to say the games that are happening without looking.

That would be cool if you could do that.

That is how it works.

Games against the spread

every week.

So you pick the games against the spread.

You spread open your ass, cheese.

You spread yourself every week.

You spread your finances thin

and gambling online.

That's right.

But eventually to make more, though.

To make even more money than you would if you just, you know, continued,

I don't know, doing whatever you do during the day.

Doing some other bullshit.

Going to the m fucking office.

Yeah, at the office with your hammer and nails.

Just nailing shit into your desk.

Oh.

What a bullshit.

I hate when I had to build my desk every day at work.

And then my day started.

You go to the office, you get the hammer out of the desk, you start nailing papers to the different paperwork to the desk.

Yeah, I've had a job or two.

It was a schizophrenic man imagining a day job.

Yeah, you just nailed it.

You rollerblade over the moat where the crocodiles are.

Five o'clock, the big steam computer blows the whistle.

Go home, do your sweet gambling.

All you got to do is pick five NFL games against the spread every week to climb the leaderboard and score your share of the huge cash prize pool.

Listen, I would only recommend a service to my listeners.

It's been good to me.

And so far, my bookie has paid for every single one of of their ad reads, unlike other sports buildings.

That's right.

The important way we judge sports gambling websites is how good

they are.

Do they

give us checks on time?

Do they answer our egos?

Now, will you be getting paid?

Right.

Yes.

If you weren't, theoretically, you can trust me.

Would we give a fuck?

No, not really.

But you will be, to be clear.

Bookie does a lot better than just saying that's just how things work in Germany

when you ask why you haven't been paid.

That's why my bookie is always the right play.

You bet, you win, they pay.

My bookie is live in-game betting on every NFL game.

They've got the most rewarding player perks in the business.

And for you fantasy guys out there, if you're imagining that the players are actually dragons,

and the ball is you being sexually,

you can even bet.

You have a dragon eating you and then shitting you out of its big dragon ass.

Eating you and then being pregnant with you, and Sonic is rubbing lotion on the dragon's belly.

That sounds like a fantasy to me.

You can even bet the over-under on how many fantasy points a player will score each game.

Wow.

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Wow.

Bet, win, fuck.

Get paid.

Suck.

Suck, fuck, get paid.

Get paid and get ass and get pussy.

Real quick, if you're listening right now and you live in Fort Wayne, Indiana, Indianapolis, Indiana, or Louisville, Kentucky, I'm going to be there the 27th, 28th, and the 29th, and I'm in Medford, New Jersey.

It's some weird, fucked-up little.

You should do your plugs at the end.

Okay.

Just because if somebody tried, people figure out how to skip the reads, and we find out who you are.

We're going to fucking kill you.

Oh, my God.

That gets me pissed.

Just thinking about it.

This is the reason we podcast is to make advertising revenue.

yeah that's the reason we do this because we respect companies

yes i'm advertising this is our way into advertising we did that read as a pitch yeah

it's a website called my bookie

what they do is they don't let indian people use the website

well don i don't quite exactly understand

the same goddamn idea you've had everything

yes but this time it's racist

What?

But you've been saying this isn't racist for years.

You always have some wacky excuse.

We've all seen Mad Man.

That's the plot of every episode.

Find out how Don keeps Indian people from Chevrolet dealerships this week on Mad Men.

It's an interview with Andrew Weiner.

Yeah.

That's the guy that wrote it, right?

Yep.

Matthew Weiner.

Matthew Weiner.

Oh, Winery.

He's like, well, I really wanted to

capture the tempo of the times.

And, you know, I think despite organizing aside from the iconic, you know, skinny suits and the aesthetic of the 1960s and this move away from conformity, there was always a strong undercurrent of

anti-Indian guy sentiment.

I think if anything defined the 1960s prior to the cultural

counterculture revolution, it was

definitely a sense of Indian guys, get the hell out of here.

Let's get these Indian guys out of here.

Nah, dude, you know that the Beatles were singing about that?

That was a mark of the times for sure.

I was laughing.

Imagine like Indian guys seeing that movie yesterday, and then there's like a bunch of Indian guys going around that just love the Beatles now.

They're like, Man, the Beatles is so very good.

Have you ever heard of the Beatles?

Why the fuck, in the span of like three months, there was that movie, and then that movie about the Indian guy that loved Bruce Springsteen?

Is that really a genre that people fucking?

I've never heard of that movie.

You didn't just meet an Indian guy.

Did someone sell that like in a deli in a store?

No, dude, that's a movie.

It's called like Blinded by the Light or some shit.

Well, the answer is that like fucking scripts get bought and then the studios are like, this is what everybody's buying.

Let's buy this.

The 90s was the worst for that because it was like you get Armageddon and then Deep Impact.

Deep Impact, yeah.

Volcano, Dante's Peak.

Volcano, Dante's Peak.

There were two friends ones.

Flipper, Free Willie.

Yeah.

Nah, Flipper and Free Willie.

Come on.

Schindler's List, Good Burger.

Yeah.

Both hilarious.

Yeah.

Laugh Riot.

I'm excited about the Denzel Magneto.

What's that?

I'm excited about the Denzel Magneto.

Is it really happening?

I don't know.

I saw you said it, and then I saw something that said it also.

But initially, I thought that's got to be wrong.

Yes, of course.

Yeah.

There has to be something.

Oh, Babe and then Gordy.

Mm-hmm.

Who's Gordy?

Another pig?

It was another pig movie, yeah.

What?

Yeah.

It was the same exact movie, basically.

Yeah, I mean, it's like alarming how

many movies.

Like, I remember growing up, it was like, you know, every movie there was just another version of it.

Should we do that?

Should we do The Avengers?

Yeah, The Revengers.

Well, they did Justice League.

Fuck.

Yeah.

There There already was The Avengers.

Remember that movie with Uma Thurman?

Mm-hmm.

Where they fought with umbrellas.

They fought with umbrellas.

I don't remember that.

It sucked.

Do you see your titan?

It sucked, dick.

That movie was really.

It came out around the same time.

Sean Connery was.

It was Angels.

Sean Connery is in it, right?

I can't remember.

No, that's League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

Well,

he could do both, man.

I think he was in it.

Wait, it was called The Avengers?

I think so, yeah.

Yeah, it was called The Avengers.

Was it about a team of people?

No, it was Uma Thurman and some British guy.

Who was it?

Who the fuck was it?

I thought it was Sean Kong.

Guy Pierce.

No, it was somebody like Rafe Fiennes.

That might be it.

Yeah, or like.

Joseph Fiennes, one of them.

Wait a second.

Is that

his name Ralph?

It's pronounced Rafe.

But it's spelled like Ralph.

It's spelled Ralph, yeah.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I don't think there's an L.

Yes, there is.

I think it looks like Ralph.

Isn't it R-A-L?

Maybe I'm wrong.

I thought it was Ralph Fiennes, and someone said it's Rafe, and it's just pronounced that way.

Fuck that, dude.

Fuck that name.

Sean Connery.

Sean Connery.

Sean Connery, Ralph Fiennes.

And it is an L.

You're right.

Thank you, Martha.

And Uma Thurman.

Well, hold on.

No one said there wasn't an L.

It feels good.

I thought there wasn't an L.

But it is pronounced Rafe.

What the fuck?

No, that's fucking bullshit.

How is an L

gonna be an I sound?

Dude, look at his fucking whole name.

Get this.

Rafe Nathaniel Twistleton Wykeham Fines.

No.

Yes.

His name is Ralph.

I'm literally looking at it.

His fucking name is Ralph.

Rafe Nathaniel Twistleton Wyckham Fines.

Twistleton Wyckham.

Yeah.

We should beat his ass off.

Oh, listen to how gay this is.

He's an English actor, film producer, director, a Shakespeare interpreter.

Okay, shut the fuck up.

Yeah.

What does that mean?

Rafe, you can suck my wraith, which is actually the technical term for the line on the bottom of your dick and balls.

Wait, dick and balls?

Yeah.

Did they make that movie?

You mean the balls?

The movie P-H-E is the word for the groove, ridge, or seam in an organ or tissue.

Typically marking the line where two halves fused in the embryo.

Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, so that's.

Oh, shit.

So were your balls, were they originally your brother's balls that you ate in utero?

Well, yeah, you.

so you fused?

Well, before the the sex isn't chosen in the womb until

basically

a fetus, which is not a human being, chooses its gender.

Oh, so it has the ability to choose its gender, but it's not a human being.

So are trans people, are they like

they should be in jail.

Whatever,

however, we get to that from this,

we'll just assume that I'm not.

Well, no, but there are there are there are intersex people.

I would love to be the lawyer that's that have like ambiguous genitalia and they're just assigned a birth.

That sucks.

Yeah.

And then they grow up and they're like, I feel like the other one.

Did that happen to you?

No, my genitalia was not ambiguous.

I don't know.

It was fucking small.

It was very deliberate.

It's small.

It's deliberately small.

Oh, that's true.

I guess a small ass dick is certainly a dick.

You got me there, Adam.

Thanks.

I mean, that is true.

In a way, a small dick is more of a dick than a regular dick.

Well, thanks.

Like, look how small that guy's dick is.

Right.

If your dick is big enough, I guess theoretically you could use the dick hole as a pussy.

But your dick absolutely cannot do that.

They did make this movie.

Damn, I love philosophy.

That's why people listen.

I love it, dude.

I love

thinking about what the Greeks sort of thought.

That's why I'm here, man, to continue the proud tradition.

Ask me another philosophical question.

I guess you would call that Socratic justice.

Absolutely.

It's justice, dude.

You're gay.

You're actually a woman.

Yeah.

You go too far on the other end.

Ah, fuck.

Would you say, ask you another question?

No, I said that.

Sav said that.

Oh,

what did you say?

Oh, I was just looking up if they made that movie with Joseph Feines where he plays Michael Jackson.

They did.

That's his brother?

His brother, yeah.

I'm sure his middle name is also Twistleton Finns.

Twistleton Magic Nightmare Coat fucking Dingleberry Fines.

We should fuck up Ralph.

Yeah, there's a movie about a road trip between,

what's her name?

Elizabeth Taylor, Michael Jackson, Marlon Brando.

And Joseph Feins plays.

Yeah, he's also Twistleton Wycombe Feins.

That shit is fucking cool.

But his middle name is Albrick.

Albrick?

Joseph Albrick Twistleton Wycombe Finns.

Man, I've been enjoying watching just episode after episode of Homicide at Night.

That's tight to you.

It's a really cool box set.

My back hurts.

It's like a file cabinet.

It's a file cabinet, yeah.

That's so cool.

Yeah.

I thought you just had the boxes.

No, I did.

I bought the file cabinet.

No, you didn't.

I did.

Respect.

I wanted the file cabinet.

Dude, I haven't been able to sleep.

I'm still fucked up over this.

I'm getting sleepy as a bitch right now.

There you go.

How about that?

Take a bump, dude.

Take an outer.

Yeah, let's do some Coke, bro.

Yeah.

No.

I don't want to die.

I worry about my heart.

Damn.

That was

hipped up.

It's so funny that they almost made vaping illegal.

Are they not going to anymore?

Nah, they figured out what it was.

What was it?

It's uh,

I don't know.

Some shit.

Nice.

So no, it's not illegal anymore

Are you happy Adam?

No now we're gonna we're gonna figure out if Joe Biden should go to jail in Ukraine or yeah, what the fuck is going on in Ukraine?

I don't know who gives a shit this everything is gay.

I know it's like there's no point in paying attention.

It doesn't matter Joe Biden's son

The one that got him in trouble Hunter is pretty tight though.

He's the one that fucks his brother Yeah, he likes smoking crack and fucking his brother's wife.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, this guy's cool.

That rules, dude.

Yeah.

That guy should be friends with Ian.

Delaware, dude.

That's the Delaware.

Yeah, they make him different down here.

Delaware boy's different.

Yeah, Delaware sucks.

Oh, it's gay as hell.

They don't have taxes.

That's true.

They don't have sales tax.

They still have income tax.

Why do corporations say that they're Delaware corporations?

Because they don't have sales tax.

So you're not.

But why is that why is that?

i don't know i think i'm pretty sure when i worked at like a big company that was not a like something that sold goods they were like it said a delaware corporation i think it's corporate tax

i don't know i don't know who cares who corporates

gives a shit

you have a hoboth beach they have this is a business podcast they have a hoboth beach dude yeah they have a gay beach

i'm trying to go down there yeah it's too late all All the gay guys are home.

I'm trying to go up to New England now that it's the end of summer.

I'm trying to eat chowder.

I'm going to go up to New England and eat chowder and eat peanuts in a bar.

And then drive back home.

Yeah.

Just for a meal.

Yeah, just go up there.

I'm like, I'm here for the chowder and peanuts.

I don't fuck with peanuts in a bar, dude.

Really?

I love that shit.

I love going to five guys and just eating the peanuts and leaving.

I like that five guys, like people with peanut allergies, can't even walk in.

Yeah, they're like, fuck you.

Do you remember when there was like a restaurant?

Like, when restaurants would have peanuts all over the ground, and it'd be like Texas style or something.

Yeah, no, I said the first time I ever went to a bar that had free peanuts, you could do that.

And then when I went to five guys and I had the peanuts and I was just spitting fucking on the ground, peanut shells all over the ground, my friend was with me.

He's like, what the fuck are you doing, man?

I'm like, what?

That's how you do it.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Yeah.

I've been, my fucking legs are sore from all these squats, dude.

You're doing squats?

I'm trying to get big-ass ass cheeks.

Why are you doing squats and where?

To be strong, dude.

At Matrix

in the Matrix.

Your gym is Mat called The Matrix?

The Matrix.

Sick.

It's Kiana Reeves themed.

Ooh, my man's dro getting his second diet soda.

Yeah, maybe.

I'm about to do the Pepsi challenge.

That's where you drink 35 Pepsis in one city.

And if you drink all of them,

you get to replace Godfrey at the cellar.

That's all.

Oh.

They take his job away from him.

They give it to me.

Is that why he's so yipped?

I don't know.

I think he was.

Wasn't he?

He was the seven-up guy, right?

Yep.

Yeah, it was Orlando.

Orlando Jones.

Orlando Jones, and then Godfrey.

It was Orlando Bloom.

Yeah.

He was on Mad TV.

Huh?

Orlando Jones was a Mad TV cast member for a while.

Of course.

Good job, dude.

Shut up.

Shut up.

You know that's how I see it.

It must be a girl.

It's the cat.

It must be a girl.

It's not a girl.

It's a cat.

It must be a girl's vaginas, juices, and girls.

No, it's not.

That's not what happens to me.

Yeah, I think that's what happened.

She's laughing like an entire elementary school of Japanese girls.

Or sneezing, rather, not laughing.

A whole whole third grade class of Japanese girls just sneezed all at once.

That's what your sneezes sound like.

It's what your sneezes sound like.

When's the fucking joker coming out, dude?

I'm trying to see that shit, dude.

The joker?

Mm-hmm.

I don't know.

You should go to the theater in the outfit and the makeup.

Yes.

A fat, a morbidly obese joker.

A regular obese joker.

Big ball right around.

First of all, I'd be wearing the

green wig.

I would need a wig.

No wig.

Purple suit.

Just fat as shit with the fucking makeup on.

And sweatpants.

Why do they let Steve Harvey play the Joker?

He's already got the purple suit.

Black Joker.

Yeah.

Black Joker.

And he keeps calling himself Blackula.

Steve, that's not the character.

I would love a Steve Harvey.

What's the ideal role for Steve Harvey, dude?

If you could pick him.

I think it's Steve Harvey.

That's true.

But in like a movie.

movie, that's a place why he had the Steve Harvey show and he still played Steve Harvey.

Or he was a teacher.

That's true, but his name was Steve Harvey.

Yeah.

Mr.

Harvey.

Wait, was it Harvey?

It was, yeah, it was Steve Harvey.

It was

Mr.

Hightower.

That's it.

And then Cedric was Cedric the teacher.

That's right.

Cedric the teacher.

The edutainer.

Edgutana.

Every episode of that show, it's just Steve and Cedric pointing to their temple real quick and saying things back and forth.

Yeah, it's because really, what you got to do is edutate.

You got to edutain

the minds.

And then there's like one white guy in the show, but he was retarded because he got shot in the head.

Bullethead.

Yeah.

That's right.

Of course.

Damn, I want to watch Steve Harvey.

You never saw the Steve Harvey show?

I've seen it.

But I want to watch it.

That was what I went to bed to, dude.

Yeah.

That and the Jamie Fox show.

That was a good one.

That was a good one.

The chick on that show was really hot.

Fancy.

Yeah, I fucked her.

You didn't fuck her, dude.

Yes, I did.

Yeah, I'd fancy

a shag

with Miss

Vagina

with Miss What's Her Name?

What was the guy's name?

Brixton or Bruxton?

Yeah, the guy was just gay.

Yeah.

Just tall Carlton, but gayer.

Yeah.

The character's name should have been gay Carlton.

Gay Carlton.

Yeah.

The hottest, though, was the old,

what I jacked off to quite the most of all of

that era's UPN programming was

girlfriends.

Oh, you just jacked off to all your girlfriends?

I would throw, she would get in the mix every once in a while.

She was not my go-to.

She's the one whose kind of eyes pop out of her.

The hottest one left the show and didn't come back.

She's one of those people that quit acting to be Christian or something.

Oh, that sucks.

The dark one with the big tips.

Oh, yeah, she ruled.

She didn't quit the show.

She was on for a while.

She left after one of the seasons.

No.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

I like the one that was kind of like a fake

who, Monique?

No.

Who's like a fake?

What's her face like?

But one of the problems you had watching the show is hard to get your dick hard.

For me?

For everybody.

Are we about to do an ad?

Now that you mentioned it.

Oh, it was hard to get your dick hard unless you took Blue Chew pills.

That's right.

Except I could.

I mean, yeah, it was hard.

I liked the one that was kind of like a fake Lisa Bonet.

She was hot as shit, too.

Yeah.

It's like Morpheus being like, you take the blue pill, and your dick gets hard, and you don't get to see the Matrix.

That would be a better choice.

Because it's not really anything on the table.

It's like you take the blue pill, you wake up tomorrow, and the dream ends.

But you know, there's a matrix.

Is it wipe his memory?

I don't know what the fuck is that.

No, they probably wipe his memory.

Yeah.

I would guess.

Or you just think it's a dream.

I can't even wipe my own ass.

I never even finished wiping my ass.

How are you going to wipe my ass?

Say you wipe my memory over there.

That's so true.

That's true.

Well, they'll wipe your ass for you.

Saying here, my client molested this child, and then her memory was wiped.

I can't even wipe my own ass.

What is the situation where that is what he's arguing against?

I can't even wipe my own ass.

Wait, his client molested the kid, but her memory was wiped.

And then he's arguing against the idea of a memory wipe?

I can't even wipe my own ass.

you gonna tell me that this little girl had her memory wiped?

I do not believe it.

Not for a single day of good Lord's Christmas.

Will I believe that this child had her memory wiped?

I pull down my pants and show you the shit smeared up all the way to the top of my ass crack right now.

And it's not a matter of technique.

Okay,

I guess your client is guilty then

if she didn't have her memory wiped.

No, what I'm saying,

I'm saying she's lying.

Oh, okay.

Because if she had a memory, if the point I'm making is that, how could she have her memory wiped

out?

She can't wipe your ass.

Because they're saying she remembers.

If the lawyer for the rapist can't wipe it, she's saying they remember it now, Bucu.com.

They're saying she remembers it now.

They say she remembers it now, but she did it before because her memory was wild.

And what's crazy is he is probably like, what does a memory wipe even mean?

Yeah, they say that she took a blue pill.

Morpheus, my client Morpheus, gave her a Bluetooth pill, which wiped her memory.

I'll have you know that Bluetooth is actually a dick pill.

It's the best in the business.

I take it myself.

As a man that experiences an inability to fully wipe his own ass, it's often hard for me to get erect when a woman is recoiling from the smell of my booty cheeks covered in she.

And I go to BlueChew.com.

No questions asked.

No doctor visits.

They connect you with an online specialist to get you diagnosed with a bad dick in a heartbeat.

In a Tennessee heartbeat.

In a

staccato rhythm of a Tennessee heartbeat by a quarter note, you'll have some of those famous blue jazz blue gum pills sent directly to your house.

Thank you very much, Mr.

Morpheus's lawyer.

Thank you.

Thank you, Morpheus's lawyer, in a rape case.

So

they're going to tell me that my client wiped this little girl's memory with nothing more than one of the most effective dick pills on the market today.

Generic brand, Viagra and and Sialis, but in a chewable format so it can work

up to twice as fast as the traditional medicines, but not for wiping the memory of this little girl here who I will assert again: I can't even wipe my own ass

to completion.

That's right, everyone.

So usageblue chew.com.

Bluechew.com.

Where's Blue Chew?

Slash Come Task.

Let me get my court files up here.

Mm-hmm.

For the rest of, Jan, I'm sorry I didn't.

Have you ever seen

A Dry White Season?

No.

No.

It's like one of the later, like Marlon Brando movies where he plays a a lawyer in apartheid South Africa.

Hell yes.

And the...

Just fat as shit.

Just fat as shit.

And he's representing this, like, white...

Donald Sutherland plays this white teacher whose gardener was kidnapped and murdered by the police for like looking into like where his son was who was also murdered by the police.

Damn.

And

yeah, Marlon Brand is just like, well, it's the

dotted if there's the opportunities for

an inquiry into

the boy.

Was he murdered or something?

I love that motherfucker, dude.

Just being like, yeah, just I'm going to do cue cards, actually, for a movie.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's just, I guess he got nominated for something, but he just plays this like fat, drunk, ineffective lawyer.

It's very funny.

That's awesome.

The kind of guy that would probably need Blue Chew.

Blue Chew to keep his cock hard.

Oh, he needed a couple.

Adam, you've recently used Blue Chews in your personal life.

Not fantastic.

You can vouch 100%.

You know what's not fantastic is when you take one and then you don't get pushy.

Yeah.

Actually, no, never mind.

Here's how good the dick pill is.

Even with no pussy around, you're hard as shit.

Yeah.

Your dick is twitching.

You're just sitting there

incredibly hard.

Dick on turbo hard

without even

so much as a scintilla of pussy.

A scintilla.

What is that?

Like a little amount.

A man-eater?

Like a mouse?

I think it's like a very small amount.

But what's the code?

I'm

hold on.

Okay.

Hold on.

I'm trying to, but I can't see the copy over my huge dick.

Because it's hard.

It's hard.

Yeah, we all take them before we get to the house.

Yeah, our dicks are all out and they're all hard.

But we get pussy after.

So, yeah, we don't have to.

Oh, we get pussy.

We don't have to jack off our incredible dick.

You can say that again.

We don't have to jack off our incredible dicks.

You can absolutely say that.

I like to make a woman take off all her clothes and be like, yeah, I could fuck you, but I'm like fucking 100 for 100 on sex, so I'm not trying to fuck up my perfect record.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

You're perfect.

Is 100 for 100 mean every...

You've only had sex 100 times?

I've only had sex 100 times, and every time I've you can come, I totally come

you're afraid 100 for first, you might not want

one every time

that bitch is not a single bitch has ever beat me.

Wow, that's awesome!

Oh, you're the winner, I've always won.

Uh, prescribed by a doctor, and here's a great deal for you guys: visit bluechew.com and get your first order free when you use homo code come town.

God damn, dude,

that comment.

How many months did it take us to get there?

Just pay $5 shipping.

That's bluechew.com homo code come town.

Yep.

How did it take us that long to say homo code?

Yeah.

C-U-M-T-O-W-N.

Woo!

Yeah, I like to counteract the Blue Chew by drinking Diet Dr.

Pepper to get my sperm fucked up.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Does it really fuck your sperm up?

I don't know.

I thought it was yellow Gatorade.

I dated this girl who had this dumb friend who got pregnant because, like, she was dating some guy that was like, oh, yeah, I ride a bike and I drink Mountain Dew all the time.

So you should just let me bust.

There's no sperm in there.

Hell yeah.

He was just nutting.

Respect.

Like, not even no condom pulling out.

Yeah.

Nutting all inner pussy.

He's like, yeah, I ride a bike.

Respect, dude.

Damn, that man should be a lawyer.

Yeah.

Make that man fucking president of the the debate team.

Yeah.

To beat me off.

Have you ever got anyone pregnant, Nick?

No.

Nice.

I mean, I don't think so.

Yeah.

There's been, like, women who have been like, oh, I'm at my period for two months, and then they have what's, like, clearly a miscarriage.

Nice.

God doing you a solid.

Yeah.

God being like, I got you, man.

You got a racist podcast to do in the future.

Right, exactly.

An angel was sent down to kick her.

Yeah, that.

And the pussy.

Yeah.

Then miscarriage situations happen like twice.

So maybe you have like weak sperm.

Those are pretty messy.

Yeah.

What's that?

So maybe you have weak sperm.

Probably.

Who gives a shit?

Yeah.

Damn.

It must be so fucked.

It must suck dick to get pregnant, dude.

Yeah.

To be weak.

A little motherfucker in your body.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Kicking and shit.

Grabbing your pussy from the inside.

Grabbing your pussy from inside.

Sticking his dick in your ass.

Fucking my mouth and my asshole.

Fucking my ass.

And now I'm gay.

I'm a gay guy.

With small

sense.

The classic soft gay ass songs of the early 90s.

Chris Isaac.

I've never, what's it, how's that go?

Oh, what

game you play?

Fuck me to call me gay.

With men.

I don't wanna have gay sex.

And then you raped me.

Yeah.

I love

You fuck me in my ass.

But up up.

You fuck my ass.

Lyle Lovett sucks.

He really does.

He just sucks.

Like, why?

You know, it's crazy.

It's like, how the fuck, dude?

Why is anybody listening to this show?

It's like, why is anybody going to see Lyle Lovett?

It's crazy.

Well, he never starred in anything.

He was just like, he got pussies with Julia Roberts at her prime, dude.

Yeah.

Peak Julia Roberts.

Lyle Lovet was getting.

Oh, I guess you're talking about his music.

Yeah, of course, but like, his music sucks his dick.

The music was trash.

He was, he's never listened to it.

It's country.

It'd be so funny if, like, Lyle Lovett's been, like, a huge fan of the show for years.

That would be really funny.

Fucking damn it.

No, he's at home, just like all sad with his fucking ugly ass face.

He probably has a big ass dick, dude.

Yeah.

He looks like an ugly guy.

That was a good guy with a big dick.

Yeah.

He's got blue shoes on.

He's got the My Bookie t-shirt on.

Oh, yeah, dude.

A fucking war number one finger.

That he made himself?

He said he made himself.

That says Lyle.

What a stupid ass name, Lyle.

In his podcast listening station.

I'm going to start posting just like fake, just a setup on Reddit.

Like, I got my podcast listening room all set up.

And it's just a shitty chair with like 10 million speakers.

Poster Mark Maron.

And then there's like,

you know, like things I've cumbed on all over the floor and fucking Doritos bags.

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

That would be fucking

a Reddit for like

video game collection.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

To show how many video rooms you have.

And there's people that like just have rooms.

They're like my collection room.

He's so fucking good, dude.

It's really all.

It's really sad, dude.

Yeah.

It's like that's what they aspired to.

They were in like 1996.

No, you know what?

It's not even.

Yeah, that's sad.

What's even sadder is there's a guy being like, damn.

Yeah.

And he has like half of that many games.

You know what I mean?

Like, there's a guy who's not even that guy who wishes he was.

Yeah.

No, because I was like, I was looking at old,

I don't know.

Sometimes I just read about connectors and video signals or whatever.

I forget where it started.

I think I started reading about console televisions.

Do you remember those?

Like the big tube-ass motherfuckers?

Well, yeah, the ones with a VCR in them?

No, the ones that like look like a fucking

like a

credenza.

Oh, like a piece of furniture.

Yeah, like their wood box.

From like the 60s.

Yes, I fucked with those.

Yeah, my grandpa had one, and it's like we, you know, you just accept things, but then you get older and you're like, what the fuck was that shit?

I know.

It's like, well, yeah, it's it's also a table or something.

Yeah, yeah, it was just furniture, dude.

Yeah,

you know, those.

And then I started looking at, like, Sony

CRT reference monitors.

And apparently the video game community, the retro gaming collection community, they buy these like

Sony

reference monitors that accept like an RGB signal.

Because it makes, I mean, there's no way.

The quality is better?

Zero chance it makes it better.

Yeah.

There's fucking no chance in the world that it looks better than just using whatever cable

Super Nintendo.

I agree with that.

And then there's these guys that spend like $1,200

on shitty, outdated technology that like doesn't make sense to use at all.

And then the monitors themselves are like fucking 14 to 20 inches.

Yeah, tiny.

What?

Yeah, it looks awful.

Like a kitchen TV.

Yeah.

But then, you know, the boxes are huge.

Because they're made for like

network news rooms and shit.

Oh, shit.

You can like monitor recordings and make sure that they're color accurate.

What?

Yeah.

I saw a thread on Reddit where somebody's like, I just picked this up for $900.

And then one guy's like, yeah, that's really stupid.

This is all just junk.

You're just collecting garbage and selling garbage to each other.

And all these

replies are like, you're in the wrong subreddit.

He's getting all defensive about it.

Just blowing their parents' money on

news TVs.

I cannot believe there's a market for, like, wouldn't they be able to just find that in the trash?

I guess there's probably an application for like smaller, like you do probably do need color accurate monitors for video applications if you're doing something with that.

But no, it's probably entirely propped up by one retard on like these

retro gaming forums like 10 years ago is probably like, well, look what I did.

And then the rest of them are like, yep, that'll legitimize my gay gay ass hobby

what are they even playing like fucking atari yeah they're playing like fucking super mario world

that sucks dude yeah like regular nintendo sucks it's really stupid oh my god especially because i just played i they they put like a whole bunch of super nintendo games on switch i just replayed super metroid and i guarantee you you're not having a better experience not even close not yet it's so easy you do it on a whim you just download the shit you play it for like eight hours.

You're done with it.

It's great.

I love it.

It's a great game.

I don't need a fucking network news television from 1997.

Oh, my God.

That's really sad, man.

Imagine how little pussy those guys get.

Yeah.

Just negative amounts of pussy.

Yeah.

Oh,

probably never.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They don't have sex.

They've never even talked to tip.

Oh, my God.

That fucking sucks, dude.

Like,

being a 38-year-old man who's nervous to talk to a woman.

Yeah.

There was a guy like that who would do open mics in DC.

This guy that was like fat and bald and ugly.

It wasn't even like if he lost the weight, he would still be like a zero.

Right.

Right, right.

Like an absolute.

There's no path.

No path to pussy.

There's no way, yeah.

And he would just constantly get fired from jobs for sleeping.

And he lived with his parents and he just, he was like 42 and just like never even got a taste.

Oh,

never once.

Oh my god, dude.

Oh fuck.

Yeah, they were like, people were like,

why?

I remember asking him, like, why doesn't he just buy a prostitute?

And they were like, I don't know.

You get to that point and it's like, just give up on it.

And it's like, fuck.

That's great.

Damn.

Oh, you know, it just doesn't even get horny.

Yeah, he had a stroke, I think, and then it got even worse.

Damn, his dick got even softer.

Yeah, his life got worse.

Like, lost function.

So he never had sex.

Never.

Oh,

fuck, dude.

Damn.

I gotta say, it is cool to have sex.

I wish I never had sex.

You can stop.

I'm never gonna stop, bro.

Yeah.

I love this shit.

Dude, I'm literally obsessed with pussy, and it's exhausting.

Nice, man.

What do people say that online?

They're like, I'm so exhausted.

Yeah, I'm exhausted.

I'm exhausted.

I've been checking my fucking phone.

It exhausts me.

It is exhausting.

I'm looking that guy up to see if he's alive.

To see if...

Yeah.

And it's tempting to say his name, but I don't want to because

you don't.

Yeah.

Definitely.

Yeah, he doesn't have sex.

I guess Tom Myers is on frantic tonight.

Oh, what?

Damn, no one's going to come to Funny Moms.

Yeah.

All the heads are going to be a frantic.

Maybe double up, folks.

Damn.

Damn, you want to go to the stand?

Look at this guy.

I'm too tired, dude.

Oh, yeah, you're jet lagged.

Look at this guy.

Oh, yeah.

Do you remember him?

I do.

Yeah.

I remember the stroke.

Yeah.

Damn.

Yeah, because they had to raise money for him after the stroke.

Damn.

It is really sad.

Like,

in abstract, it's much funnier.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, sometimes when we describe someone, I'm like, wow, we're making up a caricature.

No one would ever exist that has that.

Yeah, it's really sad when you look at it.

Here's a video of him doing comedy, and it's like he looks

like Stop.

Well, no, no about that.

Yeah.

I mean, from this.

From that distance,

he looks like you with teeth.

I don't I think I'm cuter than that man.

Yeah, he's fatter.

He's not as strong.

Yeah

I'm stronger.

He's kind of got a Peter Griffin body.

Yeah.

It's gonna be sad when you have a stroke.

I won't dude.

Yeah.

I'm too fucking I'm too strong

I'm too strong.

I've been eating too much seafood to have a stroke.

Seafood rules.

Oh, yeah.

I might go out tonight and get a little Chilean sea bass.

Mm-hmm.

I just had to treat myself.

I had me a salmon.

Try and start up a conversation with other people in the restaurant.

How are you folks doing?

Yep.

You're about the Shane Gillis thing?

No, I'm here by myself.

I'm actually, I'm waiting for somebody.

No, I'm by myself.

I don't know which answer is better.

What are you guys doing?

What are you guys up to?

Can I join?

Do you mind if I join you?

Family night, huh?

Family style.

What do you got?

What is this?

A daughter or something?

How old?

How much younger?

What grade are you in, sweetie?

Okay.

And

11th grade.

Yeah, I remember being that age.

Yep, just chasing pussy.

Left and right.

Getting it.

I bet guys are all about you.

Well, look, motherfucker, you could have just talked about the Shane thing.

You're the one that made me feel awkward.

I don't know what the fuck else to say.

This bitch is sitting here, you know, fucking, what am I not supposed to address the elephant in the room?

Hello?

We're all thinking it.

We're all thinking.

Everyone is thinking about fucking.

I mean, that's the problem with today's world.

Maybe you know, maybe you haven't had the talk with your child yet,

but maybe I'll do it for you right now.

If you ever fuck anyone,

you're a slut.

You're a slut, you're not welcome here at Kanji Village.

Isn't that right?

I'm like calling the waiter over.

She's like, Yeah, no, no sauce.

Like, no, I don't want sauce.

I'm just calling this girl a slut.

Yeah, we don't have, there's no sauce.

Okay, I wasn't asking, but that's absurd.

You should have sauce.

What kind of fucking Chinese restaurant doesn't have sauce?

Damn, dude.

Adam, you got anything you want to say?

No, I was

letting you work that one out.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I'm kind of tired.

This show is no food, bro.

Yeah, I know.

I'm too tired to do this shit.

You don't want to go to the show?

No, I mean, I'm going to go, but.

I did it solo style last week with Racine.

It was really fun.

So you did it solo style, but someone else joined you.

Without the boys, without you guys.

That's what solo style is.

Okay, all right, Mr.

Fucking.

I did it all by myself, except someone helped me.

You're like a baby that thinks it made dinner.

Because it wasn't.

Because it was in the kitchen with his mom.

It fucking was in the kitchen with the mom.

No, routine.

Okay, baby Adam.

No, you're not a cup of milk.

Okay.

We're going to do a half a cup of milk in the measuring cup for baby Adam.

I loved thinking I made dinner, dude.

Baby Adam.

That was my favorite shit.

I was so proud.

Yeah, that's him.

I was so proud of making pastries with my mom.

Be like, I made those.

Just pouring a little fucking fucking

fucking thing.

All right.

Well, enjoy your evening.

Come see us and

stopby.biz slash tour.

I'm doing a big-ass tour.

I just announced it.

Houston, fucking dead, Detroit, whatever, man.

Just look at my website.

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