Ep. 173 – CHang Gilis

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Well, we're back, folks.

Hello,

and we're doing an extra Chinese episode.

Welcome to

Cantown.

Nick, what do you think about the recent controversy?

Which recent controversy?

In Hong Kong.

I'm talking about the mass protests.

Oh, I'm actually like pro-PRC on that.

Are you?

Yeah.

Why, the extradition rules?

It's colonialists

to support those Hong Kong protesters.

I mean, seriously.

Well, it wasn't.

Okay.

I mean, I didn't really mean to go into that, but.

Yeah.

No, yeah.

Fuck those.

First, and the media is not going to cover.

There's plenty of people in Hong Kong that are on the side of the Chinese government.

Who?

Like the the what that lady?

You can't tell them apart.

Yeah.

I'm supposed to know which ones are which.

That's why there's fighting happening.

Right.

If everyone there thought it was good

or bad, there wouldn't be any fucking protests to have.

Exactly.

It's like that scene with Agent Smith multiplying into more Agent Smiths, and then you can't tell who the original Agent Smith is, right?

Yeah, that's what it, but they're all doing karate, and there's no Neo.

They're just all Agent Smiths.

Yeah.

Gagent Smith.

How about Gajent Smith?

I don't know.

People send me tweets, and I'm back on Twitter now, and almost every tweet somebody sends to me, I click on it, and it says, You can't view this because you're blocked by this person.

Like, man, I have no

ton of people.

I don't even know who they are.

I'm blocked by, I was like, sometimes it hurts.

Yeah.

There was a a guy.

I had no interaction with him.

There was a guy that for like six months was like my guy on Jeopardy.

I was like, fuck you.

It's like,

I click that and I'm blocked by him.

And I'm like, but I rooted for you.

Arthur said some shit about you, bro.

Yeah.

He talks shit on the Jeopardy winners for us.

Yeah, fucking Alex from Jeopardy blocked me.

Not Trebek.

No, of course not.

He's based.

He rocks, dude.

I'm pretty sure it's actually him.

The username is N-ward Groiper, but it's a picture of Alex Trebek.

Yeah, it's probably him.

I think it's him.

Yeah.

Because why, you know,

would the real Alex Trebek use his real picture, real name, and then be dropping N-bombs and group DMs?

Of course not.

Right.

He would use N-word Groiper, so people are like, there's no way.

Yeah, the scent, you know, to throw off the scent.

Absolutely.

And he thought he was going to get like, because, you know, people doxed him.

They were were like, no, this is Alex Trebek.

And he immediately fucking went to the media and he's like, I have cancer.

Brilliant.

I have stage four pancreatic cancer.

Brilliant.

So we all felt bad for him.

Yeah.

And everyone's like, oh my God.

And then, you know, once that guy, the guy who was going to dox him died of a heroin overdose, luckily.

He died of a heroin overdose like most white men.

Oh my God.

That's our death row.

That's our Omaha Beach.

Is the opioid crisis?

Yeah, I think so.

I would love to start my own mini-opioid crisis.

Yeah.

Sounds nice.

Anyway, so then

that guy died, and then Alex was like, guess who doesn't have cancer anymore?

Did he go into remission?

Yeah, he doesn't have cancer anymore.

You can't survive stage four.

He did.

He survived.

Wait, did he say that?

Yeah.

I think, I don't know.

Trebek, you got him.

I've been like too busy learning everything about these Chinese protests.

I've been filling my brain with every detail, and I have so much information.

Nick's been obsessed with the Chinese protests.

The Chinese government wants to put Hong Konganese people in prison for breaking Chinese-style rules.

That's unacceptable.

For basically, when you cross the border from Hong Kong into mainland China, you're supposed to take your shoes off.

So no one is wearing shoes in the whole country.

For years, people were just leaving their shoes on.

That's rude.

As a matter of courtesy, it's like when I got that double parking ticket on alternate side street parking.

That's bullshit, too.

Most of the time you don't get those, but they got me.

How'd they get you?

And you're better off just getting the fucking street sweeping ticket because that's $45 and the double parking ticket is $115.

And that's kind of what's going on in China right now.

Yeah, a little bit.

You know, people were going back into China, but they were leaving their shoes on.

That's right.

I mean, I think that that's, I mean, that could totally

be related to the SNL scandal recently, right?

Is that Shane was pro-PRC

and Lauren Michaels and the powers that be at NBC were pro-Hong Kong.

The reporting on it's been fucked up because it's like they keep saying that Shane's talking about Chinatown.

He's not.

He's talking about Hong Kong.

Yeah.

He's talking about Taiwan, actually.

To be more specific, which is a disputed territory, as we know.

Yeah, when he said, let all the CHN words,

the CH version of the N-word,

the Chinese N-word.

The Chinese N-word.

Is what.

I'm not going to say it.

We're not going to say it because apparently it's as bad as the N-word.

And Nick and I are also both up for

roles at SNL.

Right.

I had no idea that if you said,

apparently, it's as bad as the N-word.

Apparently, if you say that C-H-word, black people might beat you up.

They get mad about it too?

Well, that's.

Isn't that what makes something as bad as the N-word?

If you take away the part where black people might beat me up, the N-word's not that bad anymore.

Then it's just a thing that hurts people's feelings.

Right.

I'm not really concerned about that.

If there's no threat of direct violence.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

What makes the N-word bad is that I might get beaten up by black people.

Oh, yeah.

No, at no point was I concerned with hurting people's feelings.

Oh, not the historical legacy of slavery.

Yeah, I'm not how that word has been used.

I'm not.

Look, my history goes back to

when did The Simpsons come out?

1989?

Yeah, 89.

Yeah.

Well,

what was I going to say?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Well, Solidarity with Our Brother Shane.

We actually wrote that bit for the Matt and Shane age.

Yeah.

We've been ghostwriting.

And you know what?

And here's the thing.

For everybody criticizing Matt and Shane, I scripted that entire episode personally in Chinese.

And they said they weren't sure about it.

And they, in the Chinese, in traditional Chinese, and Matt and Shane sat down and learned Chinese and then translated it.

And then translated back into English.

So think about that before you criticize these guys.

That they spent the time.

to learn your dumb language.

Most people, I mean,

it sounds funny.

Can you just, I mean, like, our language sounds funny to Chinese people.

Yeah, I mean, if you that's why people do the accent, because it sounds funny.

Just because

I can't make this point on social media or whatever,

and like, because it's not even worth it fucking wading into this, but like, what he says on the fucking show, because like it used to be, for a while, it was like, you know, when the first, when all this started, it started with that Lindy West article about the comedy has a dude, bro, problem.

Yeah, yeah, sure and the the the point of that article is that rape jokes are bad because they punch down but there's a right way to do a rape joke and she says like louis ck's joke which doesn't even even by her own dumb fucking it doesn't apply it doesn't make sense yeah but then there was an understanding for a while with all of this up until now that like you can't there is a time and a place to say those things

and then like the bill maher thing was where it's like you know that one one was kind of a gray area, but he got off for that.

But even if you, if you apply the like punching up and down rubric, if you can, there is a defense for what Shane said because there's other people saying that's indefensible, it's just pure hatred.

It's like, no, what Matt says

initially is talking about Chinatown.

He's like, oh, yeah, they just had some like fucked up building.

And then Chang,

Shane says,

I called him Chang

because to me, he's Chinese.

Chang Gil.

Chang Giris.

Shane.

Yeah.

Shane says, yeah, and then somebody's like, yeah, why don't we just let all the boop in there?

Let them live in there.

Which, if you like, deconstruct a joke, he's speaking from the voice of whatever social elements that are at play that relegate Chinese immigrants to shitty tenement housing.

Right.

So it's like, put all the, you know, whatever in there, put all the CA.

Yeah, fuck.

I hate this.

I don't even know how to, like, I don't want to say because it feels, I don't want to make a point of saying it because that's stupid and I don't fucking care.

An infantile.

Yeah.

But

let's just, let's call them Japs.

Okay.

Because it's not a good.

Japs great.

Because that's not.

Is it racist?

I think it was, I think it's now seen as racist.

Damn.

But it's misapplied because it refers to Japanese.

How about you're here?

We'll call them Jews.

Let's call them Jews.

I'm going to give you the pass on that one.

Right.

So it's Shane says,

put all the kikes in there.

Uh-huh.

And then, you know,

or should I say Jews?

You could say either, honestly.

It doesn't offend me.

All right.

Well, I don't know the way to go here

because

I feel like Jews doesn't hit hard enough.

Yeah, you can say kite.

The point is, is that it's not Shane calling the Chinese people kikes, it's the system.

It's the system speaking as institutionalized.

Exactly.

Right.

The local.

What is the actual line?

What does he say?

He goes, it's the institutions that societize.

Oh, God damn it.

One of the funniest lines of all time.

So funny.

I was happy to see he started doing shirts, too.

The Epstein shirt.

The Epstein shirt.

It looks like he sold a ton.

He fucking, yeah, I'm sure he caked up off that.

Good for him.

And he handled the logistics, too.

I know.

He's a brother of the shirt game.

Yeah.

Anyways.

Anyway, yeah, I mean, like,

whatever.

What the point is, is that, like, even if you want to use the punching up and down fucking metric to weigh whether what he said is okay or not, a specific instance of him saying

Jews,

yeah, whatever, kikes, whatever you want to put it, you say it.

I'll start, and then you say it.

Okay, so he goes, Yeah, let the kikes live there.

Yeah, so that, when he says that, but for Chinese people,

you understand, he's speaking, he's talking about whatever, uh, like

you know, it's local government.

Literally, no difference from when Mark Twain says the n-word,

right?

Because it has literary meaning.

Yes, it's not Mark Twain calling that guy the N-word.

That's this That's the name.

He's speaking in the voice of the system.

You know, now, the Andrew Young.

And Cormac McCarthy and Blood Meridian.

Yeah.

He says it the whole book.

The whole book.

And that was written, what, in the 80s?

Yeah.

It's like, that's funny, too.

It's like, woke people are supposed to be smart.

And it's like, have you read any book ever?

Every book has the N-word.

Every single piece of literature I've ever read, page one, is like, it was a gay day.

And there were a bunch of poop hanging out in front of the soda pop.

100%.

Look at the the back cover, and it was written in 2003.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they won a Pulitzer or whatever they give books.

And then they started doing books where it's like a Hispanic guy that's like, you know, how to beat your girlfriend.

The blood poured out of her nose like a beautiful rainbow that turned into butterflies.

Very destructive.

Yeah.

The magical realism of domestic evil.

Yeah, most books do have that word.

Yeah.

And Shane, I think, as an an artist, he should be a protected class.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I don't know.

They were wrong about MSG.

I don't know.

They were dead wrong about MSG.

MSG is delicious.

That's the thing where it's like you have to get to know Matt better.

And what makes Matt fun is that

he's just a guy.

I do the same thing where it's just you waste all this time learning bullshit.

Half of it's wrong.

Matt's like a Reddit guy, right?

I think

he reads a lot of shit.

He reads shit that's just dumb shit.

Just a fucking waste.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, like just there's no reason to have any of that information.

But yeah, no, that's that's good.

What's going to happen to their show, do you know?

I guess they're probably just going to go back to pop.

But they deleted the whole thing, didn't they?

No, I think they just deleted some video episodes.

I thought they deleted the whole back archive.

I don't know.

And then the other thing Shane says is that it's like annoying to hear someone learn English or whatever.

Annoying to hear someone what?

Learning English.

You know, which like doesn't, I don't think I've ever overheard Chinese people learning English.

No, they're just speaking English with a heavy Chinese accent.

You know what's so funny, dude?

I lived with that Chinese family, and I told this story before, but like

the parents,

the parents didn't speak English.

The dad, maybe a little bit, the grandma not at all.

And then the son and the daughter would have to like translate.

And the son was like just this, like, you know, he was younger.

He was probably like 13, and he would just sit on his laptop playing like Korean fucking MMOs all day long.

And, but while he was sitting there, like, he'd be like, you know, he was like very nice and polite or whatever.

He's like, oh, Nick, my mom wants to know if you can pay the rent like a couple days early this month.

I'd be like, okay, yeah, sure, no problem, whatever.

And then he'd be like, okay, thank you.

And then he would like go play MMOs.

And then he would be on like Mike and he would be like, no way, Nick.

And then he was just dropping N-bombs constantly.

Oh, yeah.

Just constantly.

But, like, not like, that was the only part of AAV.

That was the only part of AAV he adopted was just saying the N-word.

And it was like, this is insane.

I was like, this is fucking insane to listen to.

Yeah.

And it's like, but really, it's like, why,

like, the, the first generation Chinese immigrants living in like tenement housing in New York, like that kid is the face of how like cultural sharing is supposed to fucking work.

Right.

You know, it's like that he's probably so far away from any idea of like being canceled.

It's like, yeah, that's how the other kids at school talk.

Well, I think even New York City like teenagers of any ethnicity just say it all the time.

I saw a hijabi girl outside of the bagel shop by where I used to live.

And she was like, you know, she looked like a sweet like Pakistani girl like wearing a hijab.

And she was like talking to some other little kid.

And she was like, yeah, anyway, I was saying my, my M-word, like, you know, like she was just dropping it constantly.

Yeah, like Arab kids drop it, Korean kids love saying it.

Yeah, everybody loves saying it.

It's just like, you know, let black people have something, right?

Everything's been taken away from you, right?

But I feel like some people get the pass.

Like, that guy, uh, ex

or not, uh, uh,

the rainbow-haired dude, what's his name?

Um, yeah, you don't know, it's kind of like how you know, it's it's unfair, unfair.

Because, you know, the real problem with pedophiles is the the wealth disparity in terms of access to being a pedophile.

What do you mean?

Well, with money, it's bad as it is.

But, like, with pedophiles, it's like, I guess Bernie would put it, he's like, one percent of one percent of the pedophiles get the fuck ninety-nine percent of the kids

and get away with it because of their power.

They'cause of their power.

Yeah.

And it's like, where's the solidarity among that group?

They should have more classes.

Why the fuck isn't Jeffrey Epstein, you know, and why aren't Jeffrey Epstein and and chris tucker fucking helping out the guys on to catch a predator because they want to keep oh because they want to because they forgot the old neighborhood right you know right they forgot where they came from yeah they should they forgot to

at the very least be buying all those mike's hard lemonades

and the fucking lube and condoms or whatever they they use lube on the kids i don't know that's the thing that there's like the decoys that's that's the thing how dumb are you as a pedophile you think you're talking to an 11-year-old and they're like bring lube Yeah.

Like an 11-year-old.

Right, yeah.

I don't want my shit to have any

rug burns or anything.

Yeah.

Make sure you bring Lube to rape me.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Sounds good.

What was I going to say?

I forget.

Oh, yeah.

That guy, Takashi, 6'9, who I guess is in jail right now, ratting out everyone he's ever met, was like a Mexican kid that like grew up in Bushwick, and he just says the N-word all the time.

No one has a problem with that.

Yeah.

I mean, everybody has shit.

The problem now, too, is like now this has reached a tipping point where like

they're just like all of these people that tried to drag, you know, like fucking the Legion of Skanks guys now are figuring out that you can search old tweets.

And they're like finding shit.

Because like everybody has something.

Of course.

You know, there was some like New York Times opinion writer who fucking dragged Shane.

And then immediately, like, conservatives just went through her history.

And she's like,

you know, be like, if you a faggot, don't touch me.

You know, and just like, oh, a shit ton of them.

I remember there was a ton of like anti-Asian racist jokes in stand-up when I started.

That's until people forget that cancel Colbert happened in 2014.

Oh, yeah.

And we were all like, okay.

That was five years ago.

Yeah.

They're like, settle down.

You know.

Yeah, we laughed at that.

I know.

Yeah.

We thought it was funny.

Yeah.

That some like Taiwanese slam poets got mad at Colbert.

Yeah, literally for saying Ching Chong, too.

It's not like he was fucking.

Yeah.

It's not like it's not like he was like, China sucked.

You know, it's like he was doing racism to the same fucking degree.

It's kind of wild.

Yeah.

I'm not saying that it's like it's bad necessarily, like, because it probably wasn't good for him to say that in 2004 or 2014, but like, it's wild how people just suddenly act like the rules have always been the same.

I don't know,

but whatever.

Yeah, I mean, they just outlawed beating women, like, three years ago.

Yeah.

And, like, what did they do?

They put out a press release or something?

Ray Rice, that should have been Ray Rice's defense.

He should have said, I'm the first guy to go to jail for beating a woman.

He should have.

Uh, what are you looking at?

Um, um, I just made fun of Jake on Twitter, and now he's mad.

Is he going off, dude?

I don't know.

You can't, like.

Ugh.

Yeah.

Did I say this?

What did he say?

I know.

Alright.

Whatever you say, man.

Jesus Christ, man.

man.

Yeah.

Oh, that's going to drive people nuts.

Oh, that you showed me a text on your phone.

Yeah, and they

like.

They want to know what it says.

They want to know what it says.

But you'll never know.

They'll never know.

Yeah.

And that's what, and they're going to hate you for it.

It's my fault, folks.

You can jump into my mentions.

Adam gets to see the text and I don't.

And fuck him.

I can't believe Adam gets to see it.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's the other thing, too.

It's because it's like, you know, I mean, Shane, everybody should be able to do these kinds of jokes or whatever.

But then it's like, yeah, but you're appealing to an audience that's, you know, it's like, well, they're not dangerous per se, but they are annoying.

Well, you're kind of which people?

You know, people that like comedy.

Oh, yeah.

Comedy fans are the worst.

They suck.

Yeah.

But here's the thing is like, woke comedy doesn't have any actual fans.

There's people they don't like.

The people that consume that don't like comedy.

They just feel like these are things that they should be participating in.

People that are actually fans of like comedy,

like you know, no, I mean, my parents like like Bill Maher and SNL and stuff.

They like shit that feels like

they're like Matt.

They are stupid, I mean, but they feel like it doesn't count.

If they're like, Alec Baldwin is like doing a Trump impression, they feel like that's that's that's you know what I mean?

It's funny.

I did talk to my dad, my dad's like, I think Colbert's great.

We like Colbert came up, and I was like trying to be like, Yeah, I can't believe what happened to that guy.

Yeah, he was the king.

My dad's like,

I watch the show every night, and I was like, It sucks.

Does he laugh?

Do you think they laugh?

My dad's like, Yeah, I think it's funny.

And it's like, I'm like, How?

Because here's the thing: it's like, I look at like you know, all this woke bullshit, and I'm like, These people are completely out of touch.

This is not Trump one, but it's like, I'm also out of touch, 100%.

And it's like, no, like what is reality is a bunch of people just being like, you know, oh, everything's fine.

You know, it's like, things are fine, I guess.

Because I think about it and it's like, yeah, the world's fucked up or whatever.

But I think about like my dad and like, you know,

what situation he is.

He's just in the living room.

What his situation is economically or whatever.

And it's like, you're never going to be able to retire.

You're going to, your job is in like a fucking precarious position.

It's like the health insurance situation with them is like fucked up.

And, uh, but it's like, well, I guess it was like that when I was a teenager.

and he didn't really seem to give a shit then.

It's like,

why would he care just because I moved to Brooklyn and I'm surrounded by these conversations all the time?

Right.

You know?

It doesn't affect him whatsoever.

Nobody.

Nobody.

No.

Yeah.

If you live in Delaware, you're like, you know,

oh, there's a new Batman?

Oh, it's a Joker.

I guess that's...

That's a type of Batman, right?

No?

Okay.

I guess we'll try that Popeye sandwich.

And honestly, honestly, that sounds great.

It sounds a lot better than whatever this point is.

We're going to go to war with Iran.

It'll be something that's like wildly unjustified.

And like, there's just people that are just going to sign up and go to that war and come back and then

just have to be lifted into their truck.

Are we eligible for the war?

What do you mean?

For like the draft?

No, we're too old, baby.

What is it?

28 is the cutoff?

Something like that, yeah.

So sick.

Yeah, you're still military age.

I think you can enlist until you're like 40 now.

imagine a 39 year old enlisting yeah just like i always wanted to squeeze it right under the deadline that happens too it does yeah god damn yeah that's sad maybe i should do it yeah i remember i remember selling a car to this guy that was like fucking 38 this dopey 38 year old guy that was like a fucking e1 yeah and like his finances were shit and he was trying to get like a car but it's like i mean i you don't know how long he's been in the military but he's just like never once ever been promoted or increased in like pay grade and he's just been in the army forever or like he just recently enlisted at like

you know 36 37 and it's like man just stay at game stop he just needed a change dude he wanted to get away from his ex-wife probably no she was there too she was there too yeah they bought a rav for sick yeah sick yeah

yeah i felt real bad for that guy Because I had, I had sold a car, or at least like, I remember talking to someone prior either that day or the day before that was like a sergeant or something and he was fucking like I don't know 22 or whatever and just real arrogant and

you know happy about his like military career and he came back and I guess probably probably had some signing bonus or something because he had like money to throw around I remember and just the like seeing the comparison between those two guys it's like one that's like the kind of person the military wants and he was rewarded for it and he came back and he's like talking about like you know I was like yeah it's hot out today.

And he was like, Iraq, 110 degrees, 100 pounds in my backpack every single day.

I'm like, okay, well, I didn't actually want to talk about the weather with you.

So you should have taken that as a cue.

The other thing I could have said is, shut up and gone back inside.

Fucking

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my dick doesn't work right this is this is one instance where i want the name to be like vikram yeah

right i want like omar malawabad

like direct from give me the most indian call center guy you got i don't want a dude who potentially lives in like fucking Secaucus.

Yeah.

Be like, bro, your dick doesn't work?

Wait a minute.

I know you.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, so that's that's, but

instead of what I, what I said just there, pretend it was something positive about the website.

Because if you like sex, you'll like blue chew.com.

Blue Chew offers men a performance enhancement for the bedroom.

Wouldn't you like to last longer and go extra rounds?

Frankly, no.

No.

Extra rounds.

What do you mean?

That's like a prize fighter going like 15 rounds or something?

I love the idea.

There's just people that fuck where it's like you come, the girl doesn't come, and you're like, I think I want to come again.

I know you didn't get all, but I'm trying to do, I'm trying to,

sorry.

Yeah.

I'm sleepy.

I'm tired.

At bluechew.com, you can get the first chewables with the same active ingredients as Viagra and Sialis.

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Blue Chew gives you confidence in bed every time.

You and your partner will love it.

Chew it and do it.

What do they mean, awkward conversation with the pharmacist?

Yeah, I don't.

You don't really have to talk to the pharmacist about anything.

Yeah, you just pick up your script.

They don't say, like, oh, you're.

Yeah.

Sorry.

I gotta look.

I think I fucked the calendar up here.

I know Blue Chew's definitely

one of them.

But

the other one is.

I love that these, like,

I just get worse and worse at doing this job.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Same.

Wait.

So last week we did My Bookie, right?

We did My Bookie and Sunglasses.

Yeah.

We can cut this part out.

No, I'm not cutting shit out.

What do you mean you're not going to cut that out?

I mean, people are going to get mad at this.

People don't have to get mad.

People can

button their britches.

You know, I know you're dying for

okay, we're good.

We're good on this.

Yeah.

So Blue Chew for sure.

Definitely, you want to check out Blue Chew

because they definitely are the sponsor this week

for sure.

And

it only takes a few minutes to connect.

You know, you got to.

The thing about Blue Chew is it's also kind of like a nootropic.

So it's like it kind of like it makes you smarter.

It makes you smarter.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Makes you more zoned in.

Your blood flows better because it goes to your dick.

So it definitely probably goes to your brain as well.

It does.

I think it lowers your blood pressure, too.

So if you don't have health insurance or a way to go to a doctor and you have high blood pressure, just prescribe yourself this stuff, eat that shit.

Yeah, it's really good for people who have other medical conditions that want to self-diagnose

and self-medicate.

Yeah, you know, yeah, most conditions can be helped with

sort of a massive erection, or you won't think about them for

you know, four and a half, five minutes.

Yeah,

how about BuChoo?

Uh-huh, and it's uh, they scare you into getting hard.

That's just in time for Halloween.

And now, just in time for Halloween, Blue Chew is offering Boochoo candies to hand out in the neighborhood.

So when, you know, if if you want to slip a couple of them in some Snickers and

we got kids

coming around.

That's a you know what, I was reading about that.

That's like a real thing that I guess is,

well, this is going to sound awful, but I saw somebody posted a thread that, like, I guess there's like people that do like pink pilling or whatever, where they slip, like, hormones into, like, drugs.

Halloween candy?

Into, like, not Halloween candy.

There was somebody that was mixing them into Xanax and then selling them to high schoolers.

Like an insane.

To make them ladies?

Yeah.

Pink pilling is like a type of black pilling where they're like, just be trans.

But those don't last.

I mean, like, you just, what, your nipples get sensitive for a couple days or something?

I guess.

I don't know.

I don't know how it works.

Yeah.

But that's crazy.

That sounds like some, like, six o'clock news.

Like,

your kids are doing this bullshit.

This would be a good thing to ask Matt McCusker about.

He probably would know.

Yeah, Pink Pilled, Urban Dictionary, the act of turning seemingly straight males, effeminate, transvestite, e-girls, or transgenders.

Commonly used among edgy Twitter right-leaning transgenders.

Wait, what's e-girls?

E-girls are trans women?

I thought they're just girls that use the internet.

I don't know what anything means anymore.

I don't fucking know either.

I'm too old to know anything.

Pink pilling is apparently when women get convinced feminism is about women.

I don't know.

I just heard the term once.

And I didn't really look into it

well that sounds right yeah

they should uh do that with halloween candy yeah make all the kids girls

well that was the thing when i was a kid was you were always worried that there might be razor blades in the candy yeah wouldn't you know uh yeah you would know and it never happened once yeah there was never a case of that happening There was a story.

How did that go around?

Because there was a story in Texas where some guy said, like, oh, somebody poisoned my kid with the Halloween candy.

But he was doing it.

He did it.

He killed his kids.

Something the Joker might even.

Yeah, that is twisted.

I love how mad people are at this movie.

I might go see it just because people are mad.

I'm definitely seeing it, man.

Let's go see it.

Is it out right now?

Did I tell you that?

I was in Toronto at the film festival and some guy.

Somebody sent me a picture at the film festival.

There was a guy.

Just in the full costume, like looked exactly like Joaquin waiting in line in the standby ticket ticket line.

He didn't have tickets to see it, he got dressed up to see just on the event.

He could score a ticket in the off chance.

That rocks.

That rocks.

That's something even the Joker might do.

That is, he's truly

that rocks, dude.

He's in the parking lot scalping tickets dressed like the jet.

Jesus Christ, that's awesome.

I hope he got in.

You just have to take the train home all sad because he didn't see his movie dressed like that.

Yeah, he has to do the makeup all over again tomorrow.

Try again.

I'm gonna dress up like the Joker and go to Petco and try and teach the Macaw the N-word.

Yeah, I think that that would be chaotic.

Yeah, people are like, Man, what are you doing?

It's like, just trying to introduce a little chaos.

Like, please just stop.

Let's just go home.

We, I don't want to turn this into a thing.

Just please leave.

Oh, God.

so how's Toronto?

You liked it?

No, man, Toronto sucks, it's boring.

Yeah, it's a shitty town.

Yeah,

do you remember that like window we saw that was like that coffee shop?

And it was like, We're Canadian as fuck, and we don't give a fuck what you think.

Canada's like, yeah, when was that other coffee shop we went to?

That's like warn women about shitty dudes, and it's like the anti-rape coalition, like all over the place.

And it's like, can I just have a coffee?

Yeah, what are you accomplishing with that?

It was insane.

I mean, because you go to a lot of places like that here, where it's like, refugees, welcome, or whatever.

It's like one or two things is fine.

But that entire coffee shop, like the cash register was like, my pussy, my choice.

And it was like, I just, you know, I wanted a croissant.

Welcome to rape coffee.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ, man.

Well, I got in trouble for that tweet that I did about

one of the coffee shops in my neighborhood.

Yeah, Playground.

Don't say it.

Beep that.

They got really mad at me.

They got mad.

And I do go there every day.

Fuck them.

They're allowed to be.

You're allowed to criticize them.

I wasn't crit.

Well, I said that their cold brew was $6, which is not.

It's, I think, just under $5.

Just under $5.

But I do tip.

Yeah.

It does work out to $60.

You add the tip.

You factor in the time it takes you to get to the coffee shop.

Oh, that's at least $6.

Time

you could be making making money

you know this is time excuse me but i have i make fuzzy dice

i'm at home knitting fuzzy dice and i need my precious six dollar cold brew sir it's four dollars and ninety two cents yes but the time i remember they told me they're like you said that our cold brew is six dollars

and uh we didn't yeah like it's it isn't six dollars and i just like for some reason i tried to like reason with them i'm like yeah i'm a comedian i i like like make jokes on the internet where I, you know, exaggerate things.

And they were like, they were like, this is a family-owned business.

Like, what are you doing?

They did take down.

What do they think is going to happen?

That family's going to get divorced?

Because what does that mean?

Oh,

I'm here with child protective services.

We heard that your cold brew is $6.

And you have a refugees are welcome here.

Yeah, we're going to have to take your son to foster care to be molested because comedian Adam Friedland tattled on you

for charging an unreasonable $6 for this cold brew.

The joke was that the refugees couldn't even use the bathroom there.

Yeah, which is probably true.

Which is probably true.

But they had to sign up anyway.

Yeah, so they had to cling to the $6 fucking item.

So they're like, it's not $6.

I was like, well...

Which is kind of an admission that they wouldn't let the refugee.

The fact that they didn't even try to fight you on that.

Yeah, they were.

They were like, of course they can't use the fucking bathroom.

Where's a refugee going to get

$4.92 for a fucking,

to use the bathroom here?

At their job that they stole from,

you know, me, from another family.

Exactly.

Yeah.

They took our jobs.

These damn Syrian refugees took our jobs.

I used to walk around with a baby in my jacket.

That was my job.

I was going around and I'd sell babies out of my jacket.

And this fucking Davitel-looking piece of shit comes by.

And he stole my jacket.

Especially on the post.

He stole my goddamn.

I was the baby guy.

Everybody knew me.

Oh, there goes Mitch.

There goes baby selling Mitch.

Right, the CSV.

I was a hero of all these barren women.

I'd go up and down this town.

I'd say, listen, I got this baby.

I got this baby.

usually $15 but for a pretty thing like you you can have it for eight as long as you suck my dick and I got my dick sucked every day

and now what now fucking Pumar from

who gives a stand

who gives a shit who gives a

Kurt Kurach Karachi that's Pakistan yeah from

Kumar Rachi

like the racist guy trying to come up with fake names for six places.

But he accidentally names all the like real places.

Jalal.

Yeah, no, but where the hell is this guy from?

Fucking Hyderabad?

Fucking, you know,

oh, Bombay.

You know,

some made-up place.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I like that guy.

I was the baby.

I sold all them damn babies.

Well, that's what they're coming here and doing?

They're selling babies?

I don't know.

I just know that.

Is that what he thinks?

The picture of the guy with the baby in his jacket.

It looks like he's selling a baby.

It looks like he's trying to sell a baby.

It does look like David Teller.

It also looks a little bit like Ahmedinejad a little bit.

Yeah.

What's he up to?

I think he's on Twitter, but I'm not sure it's really him.

Yeah.

And then people are like, this is an epic tweet from Ahmedinejad.

Yeah, he was so cool.

It was funny when he kind of did middle finger to Israel like that.

Every day.

Yeah.

Just constantly.

His response to that Danish, like the international response to the Danish bombing of the cartoonist.

What did he say?

He was like, he was like, you're absolutely right.

Muslims are out of control and it's unreasonable to be this angry about a cartoon.

Anyways, we're going to have the national cartoon in Iran to come up with the funniest cartoon for your precious Holocaust.

They had like a contest for kids to see who could make fun of the Holocaust the best.

That rocks.

Honestly, that does rock.

He rules.

He fucking absolutely rules.

In another life, he would be on serious.

He would be on OP Radio on Sirius.

Oh, yeah.

He's just saying it like it is, dude.

Does OP Radio still exist?

I don't know.

Does it?

I don't know.

It's funny how the landscape has changed so much in my relatively brief time in New York.

Of like media in general or comedy?

Comedy.

I mean, the fact that like you think about Opie and Anthony

and what it would mean for a young comic to go on the Opie and Anthony show.

Oh, yeah.

To walk into that studio and know that you're like, these are, this is like, these are killers.

You know, to fucking sit there and like

be on record with Patrice and have to hold your own.

That's impossible also.

And now it's like Anthony Coome is doing a show with like,

you know, a guy that hands out race realism flyers outside of fucking McDonald's.

Yeah, like a porn star who uses the n-word and doesn't apologize.

That's fine.

Yeah.

I take enough of that dick.

I can say the word.

I can say the word.

Yeah, it is pretty crazy.

And then I guess they all hate Opie, like all their fans.

But maybe they like him, though?

I think he has a decent amount of his own fans.

I'm sure.

Yeah.

Here's what he certainly has: like, just boatloads of money.

Both of those guys.

All of them, yeah.

Yeah.

Jim, too.

I know.

Yeah.

You guys went over to his crib.

Yeah, it's insane.

That's crazy.

I mean, it's like excessive.

It didn't like, it's like.

Just one guy living there, too.

I know.

One little guy, too.

Yeah,

he doesn't need all of that space.

In Manhattan?

It's nice, but it's like that.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's selfish.

Yeah.

I mean, oh, it's literally a penthouse.

From from Jim and Sam's show?

Yeah, just fucking like so long on the radio.

I mean, it's like, I don't know what those guys got paid, but it's got to be at least like a million a year.

You know,

probably like three million.

And then he does stand-ups.

Probably like three mil a year or something like that.

Holy shit.

Dude, there used to be so much money in radio.

I know.

Like every like local market fucking shitty like, it's the dick and fuck show.

You know, like, man, man, like all those guys that spent, they would basically do this.

You know, it's so funny when people are like,

they get like annoyed with how much money we make in comedy.

And it's like, yeah, the radio guys who you despised,

never did stand-up,

got paid like so much more

for doing, yeah, you get like a half a million dollars to just be like,

you're not going to believe this.

Mother in Arkansas found her baby

with his penis in a vacuum cream.

I wonder that I guess what, John?

That really sucks.

What?

What?

That sucks.

It sucks.

Oh, the vacuum sucks.

It sucks that that.

Oh, my God.

Because it's a vacuum cleaner.

And I wonder if it's one of those ones that also blows.

Like that president we got, Obama.

That's pretty good.

He both sucks and honestly, put us on the radio.

Yeah.

Fuck this.

I actually did.

There's a radio show in Louisiana or something.

I think it's like it's on a shit ton of southern markets.

It might be out of Houston it's like the Walton and Johnson show or something like that

and it's just like I was driving through the south one time and I was like this is insane

I mean it like you know they were doing care I wish I could remember because at the time you I was listening to it I'm like this is just like off like off the deep end like you know fucking like like right-wing boomer Facebook level yeah yeah you know and they actually like had me call in because they thought one of those articles I did was real.

Oh, that's right.

Yeah.

Wait, did you got a girl to call in?

No, I called her.

As Nicole.

I had a girl talk to a British journalist that wanted to,

some British reporter that wanted to do a story about the breastfeeding thing.

But that Walton show, they were like, you know, I just, I was like, yeah, this is Nicole or whatever.

And the producer's like, all right, so, you know, no matter what, just like stick with the story, you know, when we're on the air, and it's like, so you know, it's fake and you want me to help your shitty radio show.

Right, right.

You know,

are those articles still getting people?

I don't know, but they had me on to talk about breastfeeding my 12-year-old and immediately brought up Sharia Law.

So, like, it was like that.

That gives you an idea of what that show is.

Right.

Yeah.

I guess it was on Alex Jones recently.

Yeah.

That's pretty cool, man.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what Alex Jones can't do.

What's that?

Wear underwear.

What do you mean he can't can't wear underwear?

He can't because he's too slippery.

Oh.

Every underwear there is.

He can't.

He doesn't know how to do it.

He's tricky and slippery.

I'm going to need you with me on this.

I got you.

I got you.

I got you.

Yeah.

So he, God damn.

Fuck.

I can't.

Mac Weldon is

the name of a thing in my email somewhere.

Mac.

Well, okay, so I'll just look, I'll let you guys in on a little secret here.

We're about to talk about Mac Weldon underwear.

Yeah.

And

we're going to talk about Mac Weldon underwear for about 15 seconds.

Okay.

Now here's what we do.

We just stay silent for 15 seconds.

They skip ahead directly to the read.

Right.

Okay, and we're done talking about Mac Weldon underwear.

I'm glad to talk about Macworld.

Where are we, actually?

Are we?

Because, no, and I just remembered Mac Weldon underwear is the best underwear that I've ever wear.

Weird.

Weird.

Yeah.

Because at Mac Weldon,

I believe in smart design, simple designs, and simple minds.

Just the movie Dangerous Mind, but it's simple minds.

She's like, we're never going to get out of the hood.

What do you think, son?

This dumb white bitch is going to come in here and tell us we got a future?

I shit myself every day.

She's like, yes, but have you heard about Mac Weldon underwear?

Because if you're wearing Mac Weldon underwear, you can shit in it every single day in the anti-microbial.

The shit disappears.

The shit disappears, baby.

It's diapers for the 21st century.

Yeah, space age diaper technology.

Look, Mac Weldon is an underwear company on a mission, and the mission is simple, just like you, to make sure all of your basics and beyond are smartly designed, and shopping for them is easy and convenient.

Okay.

They actually, this is, they do have a nice website.

Yeah, yeah.

I will say that.

Great UX.

They do have a good UX.

Because I'm so used to it.

Anytime I have to go buy shit on another website, because you're spoiled by Amazon.

So easy.

You could buy with one click.

Well, you go to another website and it's like, what the fuck is this?

You got to zoom in to the little dialogue boxes.

So much extra bullshit going on.

Really annoying.

You know, not Mac Weldon.

Easy.

I just love clicking on stuff.

And they got a mobile website.

So you could buy underwear on your cell phone.

They got an award-winning app.

Award.

They have an app for the underpants?

Every company has an award-winning app now.

They founded Mac Weldon because they wanted more out of their basics and always questioned how something so essential could be such a pain in the ass to buy.

And that is true.

You know, I go to, I buy my underwear at the store.

I used to do the same myself.

Yeah, and when I went there, it was the Adidas store.

And,

you know, I mean,

I brought the underwear up to the counter and I was like, you know, is there a place I can try this on?

And they were like, no, it's underwear.

We don't have fitting rooms for underwear.

And it was like.

Just the other clothes.

Yeah, they're like, we don't have fitting rooms for underwear.

And I was like, I was like, really?

You don't have a fitting room for that?

And they were like, no.

I was like, all right.

And so I took all my clothes off in the middle of the aisle.

What else are you going to do?

I pulled my penis out and everyone's laughing at me.

And they came over and they're like, what are you doing?

I'm like, you said you didn't have a fitting room for underwear.

And they were like, yeah, you can't try on the underwear.

I'm like, so not only do you not have a fitting room, I'm supposed to not expose my, my penis and balls

to try on the underwear.

I'm not supposed to wipe my penis on the underwear.

You're telling me I'm not supposed to wipe my penis on the urchin?

Dude, she sounds like she was being a bitch.

She was being a bitch.

And you know what?

So that bitch said

you couldn't put

your raw dick and balls.

Yeah.

And the guy came up to me in a top hat and he was was like, Sir, my name is Sir Marcus Weldon.

I go by Mac for sure.

Oh, it's a nickname.

Sir Marcus Weldon.

My fathers were earls that were cousins.

And he's a knight?

I am a duke, an English duke.

Oh, you could be a sir.

And my family is so inbred that two men are able to produce offspring.

I didn't know that.

That's how inbred we are, and we are constantly wiping our penis on underwear.

And we're going to create a new type of underwear

called me, called Mac.

Mac Welton, his nickname.

Well, his real name.

I thought he was Marcus.

Well, Mac is short for Marcus.

Is it?

Yeah.

Oh, I thought it was just like a general nickname.

Remember people call him Mac Garvey?

Instead of Marcus Garvey.

Garvey?

No.

No?

Do people call him that?

I think so.

Is that song, Return of the Mac, about a guy named Marcus?

Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, no.

There's got to be at least one.

I'm pretty sure Marcus is long for Mac.

Anyways, the frustration was real, and our Eureka moment happened in a department store aisle full of brands that dominated our top drawers.

I get frustrated.

So this is actually on their website.

They leave out the part where the Duke saw me wiping my penis on the underwater.

But they're talking about the aisle.

They're talking about that story.

Surrounded by a mind-numbing assortment of underwear and socks, we realized consistent fit and quality became a game of roulette.

So we decided to take matters into our own hands.

Okay.

And

you ever like hold your dick and balls like a cheeseburger?

Oh, like with your balls on either side.

Yeah, with both hands, you hold the whole setup like a cheeseburger.

Yeah, I mean, I'm kind of a one-handed cheeseburger man myself, but yeah, I know what you're talking about.

No, I mean, but you hold it like this.

Oh, like this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's fun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, not, you don't hold it like a...

well, it's kind of like a dick taco.

Actually, there's think about your there's nothing you hold with two hands, maybe a golf club,

baseball bat, baseball bat, yeah.

There's nothing you hold with two hands.

What are you talking about?

There's nothing I can think of that you hold with two hands other than like a baseball bat or a golf club.

I guess you might be right.

What about a steering wheel?

Yeah, but that's not

an arch.

It's gay,

it's gay to drive with two hands.

Yeah.

Actually, I don't drive with two hands.

What do you mean?

I'm always doing some other shit with this thing.

Yeah, me.

Fingering.

I'm on my phone, fingering.

I'm always, yeah.

Smoking sigs.

I love doing the like, whoa, move.

You know?

Oh, yeah.

Whoa, reaching in the backseat to finger.

Oh, you finger someone in the backseat.

Yeah.

I was assuming it was the front passenger.

I always have my car bitched up.

You know, I got bitches in every seat.

You know, I like to go MDWD when I ride.

I'll tell you something.

When you're riding my car, you're always riding bitch because my fingers are finding their way to those pussies.

Mac Weldon started from scratch and engineered their own fabric.

That seems excessive.

Their own fabric.

It does.

Yeah.

I mean, you got scientists to do that.

Yeah.

They could have been doing more creative things.

Made sure the design process was meticulous.

So you can count on the fit being the exact same each time, no matter how fucking fat you get.

We built a world-class customer service experience.

The difference is in the details.

So we obsessed over every stitch and seam until we reached our definition of perfect.

And by stitch and seam, they mean obviously the stitches on the underwear and the seam on your penis and balls.

Because stitch and seam, those sound like those could be synonymous.

Slurs, also.

Yeah, that's what Shane said.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So look at all these stitches.

That's what he calls trans people.

Stitches.

Yeah.

We go in a bathroom.

It's full with a bunch of stitches and seams in there.

Yeah.

They built this fucked-up bathroom downtown.

A stitch is a male to female.

A female to male is a seam.

It's a seam, yeah.

Yeah.

Stitches and seams.

The stitches and seams comedy show coming to Netflix.

I love how everybody's like, oh, great.

Now he's going to get a Netflix special called Triggered.

And it's like,

you're already upset about like.

Something that has not happened.

It's not happened.

It won't happen.

also like every single one of his shows is gonna get protested and like he's gonna get shit no matter what opportunities he his life's over

his life isn't over he's gonna have to kill himself he should i mean like he probably should kill himself what i do like this funny two shit on shane i like that his like apology and both of his statements are like just totally just fucking like football coach bullshit yeah just like

I did the best I could.

I gave it 100%.

I came with 100%.

You got a lot of good guys.

We went out there.

Yeah, it's like talking about it.

You got a great group of guys.

There was a great hustle.

There was good effort.

And I understand this is fucking year zero of a 35-year rebuild.

We have the desire and determination and

persistencity to overcome and achieve.

Yeah.

Dude, that guy is so funny, bro.

At the end of the day, just putting things like at the end of the day.

At the end of the day.

And an apology.

Yeah, he's good enough for...

What are you saying?

He's good enough for SNL.

100%.

At the end of the day, you can't take that away because hustle is something.

All of that is solely caused by people quoting Vince Lombardi.

They should have never done that.

He should have just been a guy that was good at football or like good at coaching.

And then nobody should have ever listened to him.

I don't know.

I think it comes from that culture in general, but it probably stems from Vince Lambard.

I think it's like that fucking the dog and the fight bullshit.

Yeah, yeah.

Which doesn't make any sense.

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

A dog fight?

You can take the dog out of the fight, but you can't take the fight out of the dog.

So you can retire.

You can fire a murder.

Hold on.

It's like they do that all the time.

The whole premise of fucking rescue pit bulls is that you can specifically take the fight out of the dog.

Yeah.

So, also, what are you doing going to dog fights?

You're at the Super Bowl.

That's kind of

where, like, that wasn't wasn't enough for you.

You had to create the Super Bowl, and you're like, Yeah, but

if we got like a warehouse somewhere and we made dogs kill each other, that's kind of a thing that's like you can take the dog out of the fight, but not the fight out of the dog.

That's kind of like saying, oh, yeah, like a criminal mind will never be able to be rehabilitated.

Yeah.

That's kind of could be like a racist thing to say, like, oh, they should all be locked away.

Yeah.

Anyways, Mac Weldon, actually, part of their process is putting the underwear on dogs and then having them fight.

They don't test on any animals besides

and the dogs that they do test on have committed murders.

They have committed murders.

Mac Weldon is better than whatever you're wearing right now.

You got underwear, take it off, fucking eat it.

Eat your shorts.

Oh, literally.

Literally.

Mac Weldon is a premium men's essentials brand that believes in smart design and premium fabrics.

Required.

The host producer cannot use the word.

Oh.

Okay.

What word?

It's It's the one we said before.

The one Shane used?

Yeah.

Is it Mac Weldon got him fired at SNL?

Mac Weldon got him fired at SNL.

Oh, damn.

I didn't know that.

I thought they were just making underwear to wipe your penis on.

Listen, it's the best damn underwear I've ever used.

It's pretty messed up.

Now that I found out Mac Weldon was on board with that.

To our buddy.

Yeah, I'm kind of just, I'm not on Shane's side anymore.

Oh, no, you're pro Mac Weldon.

I kind of meant to.

Mac Weldon believes in smart design, premium fabric.

And it's so funny because they do have a thing, like a word you can't say, and I'm not going to say it, but it's just so like fucking banal.

It's just part of their branding strategy that completely goes out the window as soon as you're looking at any other aspect of this ad roof.

Of course.

They're like, but don't say this.

Anyways, Mac Weldon believes smart design, premium fabric.

This is all

I got like a new email with a new copy in it, but it seems like it's more of the same.

And I'm always terrified that I'm going to fucking do specifically that.

Say the last copy.

Whatever Whatever the dumb.

But they haven't changed, you know, the quality of their products.

Yeah.

Actually,

I think they're nicer, dude.

We have gotten nicer.

We got some more

underpants.

More underpants.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I like them.

I love them, too.

But, and it's also like, truth be told, I don't wear underwear in the summer.

Uh-huh.

Just because it's like uncomfortable and I sweat a lot.

But now it's winter.

Yeah.

They keep your shit hot.

Yeah, just my shit's fucking like, it's just gets stuck to my leg and it's fucking uncomfortable.

Yeah.

Having balls is terribly uncomfortable.

Yeah.

Well, I tuck my balls into my ass.

I mean, I try to, but I forget all the time.

I booyah myself.

And then you can't, like, if you try to boo yah yourself, you're like, oh, I forgot to booyah myself before I left the house.

I'm sorry, everybody.

I forgot to boo yah myself before I left.

You can't be on the trade just stuffing your balls into your asshole.

Everybody, I'd like to make an announcement.

If you're concerned about the smell, I'd just like to say booyah myself before leaving the apartment.

My name is Mortimer Scheckl.

I work at 325 Broadway.

If you have any complaints, go in.

Go to the front desk, talk to Sharon.

Let her know that Mortimer did not booyah himself

and that his penis and balls smelled bad on the train.

Thank you.

Mac Weldon's line of silver underwear and shirts are naturally antimicrobial, which means they eliminate odor.

And they want you to be comfortable.

So if you don't like your first pair, you can keep it, and they will still refund you.

No questions asked.

Not only does Macwell underwear socks, shirts, and shirts and socks look good, they perform well, too.

It's good for working out, going to work, going out on dates, going to work, going on everyday life.

That's all I do, baby.

I don't do shit.

How long has my apartment look like this?

It's been pretty messy for a while.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My life is just in shambles.

Yeah.

Mine too, dude.

We'll get Stav back.

You know what I mean?

He's olive skinned.

It'll be great.

It's funny.

Stop's going to be back on the next episode because I got to get mad at us.

I got that luck of the Irish or whatever.

So I have all these things that I don't deserve.

Is that a sarcastic thing?

No.

Irish people aren't lucky.

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, I genuinely feel like I've been

extraordinarily lucky in my life.

But I don't think it's an Irish.

The problems I have are all like internally sourced.

It's that, like, that's not really luck.

It's just a bad outlook.

Anyways, um,

uh,

oh, fuck.

I guess I gotta say that I bought the green underwear.

I don't, I don't know.

I don't know the name of the underwear.

I bought the green one.

It's nice.

It was very easy to buy.

It was so easy to buy that I picked out the underwear that I wanted.

Green-colored or green, like

carbon footprint colour.

It's the green-colored one, but they look nice.

My dick looks nice in them.

In them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, your dick will look bigger in them.

They do.

The bulge area is well designed.

It's nice.

I will say.

It is yeah, I do have other like compression style underwear.

There's like too much pressure.

Right.

And it fucks.

It's terrible.

Yeah, it just like it jams your shit up.

That fucks my whole shit.

Or sometimes it pulls it too far forward and then it's like then your dick looks too big and it's like, well, I don't want that either.

Oh, I do want that.

Seriously.

Yeah, you look like a clown.

If I'm walking around with like

the wrong type of underwear that pulls your dick forward and you just have like a big ball, it looks stupid.

Dude, retweeted this video.

This guy on my anyways,

I'll show you after this.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyways, I wore them around,

and

I wore.

I like the underwear, it's fucking good.

I don't know what to fucking tell you.

Now I'm getting mad at this copy, anyways.

So, for 20% off your first order, visit MacWeldon.com and enter promo code ComeTown20 at checkout.

And yeah, 20% off, MacWeldon.com.

If you don't like the underwear, they'll refund you.

No questions asked.

And you keep the underwear.

And you keep the underwear.

Right.

Check them out.

I mean, with that, it's like, you know, what do you have to lose?

Literally nothing.

Literally fucking nothing at all.

And we're back.

And we're back.

Yeah.

So Shane's actually like, he just tried to call me.

What's up?

Shane just tried to call me.

Does he want to call into the show?

I don't know if there's a way to do that, but I mean, we don't have too much left here.

Should I get into Hot Wheels?

I'm thinking about getting like a pacify, like a teething ring.

Baby shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm thinking about getting into like just sucking on a teething ring all day long and maybe like a little play cash register that I bang on.

Yeah.

Like a car with the feet like Fred Flintstone saw.

Yeah, yeah.

Go around my apartment and be like, these SJWs are just

SJWs are trying to ruin my fucking life.

Fucking cancel culture, dude.

Fucking cancel this.

Yeah, I mean, I think

we should go to one of those

adult daycare places in Brooklyn.

It'd be funny.

It's like a first-generation Chinese person trying to tell their immigrant parents about Shane and cancel culture or whatever.

And they're like, you know, they're like, yo, mom and dad, it's like this f this cracker, Shane, be, you know, like,

like,

uh, Michael Rappaport Jang, what are you saying?

That's her son's name.

They wanted him to have an American like yeah, he both is Michael Rappaport and sounds like him, but it's they're a big cop like,

yo, this cracker Shane be talking mad shit online about

us, you know, and now they're trying to say that it's cancer culture, and they're like, Oh, but cancer is real bad.

They're like, No, mom, it's it's cancer culture.

Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, your brother had cancer.

The one you know, we had before we came here, we couldn't get health insurance for him.

And the joke there is, I get it, yeah, yeah, it's good.

My first girlfriend used to do this impression of she took some like English class with like a some Chinese, just like Chinese, like, but like Chinese Barbie, basically,

you know, um, like a very like glitzy Chinese girl.

And they had to write like a like an or like a persuasive essay and read it in class.

And she used to, she was the first person I knew that could do like a just fucking rock solid Asian impression.

Yeah.

And she used to crack me up because she was like, yeah, she's this girl in this class, gets up and she's like,

shopping is, my essay is on why shopping is good.

And

Shopping is beneficial because you get SSIs from carrying the bags.

Fuck, man, that shit used to crack.

Was that in like a what context was it?

It was like in a classroom.

It was like an English class.

Yeah, that's so good.

Yeah, shopping is beneficial because you get SSIs from carrying the bags.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And she was telling me about they had to write another, because they were always like writing essays and having to read them.

And there was another one they did.

And she was talking about

the effects of war on people or whatever.

And she's like, a lot of people don't consider the psychological effects of war as the physical effects of war,

such as

breast cancer and brain cancer.

Oh, fuck.

And before you get mad and say that that's anti-Asian, remember that was my first girlfriend.

Not me doing the voice.

Okay.

Reporting.

If the voice...

Okay, the voice is bad.

Okay.

The voice isn't fucking...

Can we just admit that it sounds funny?

The voice is funny.

It's not bad.

It's not like a sign of disrespect.

It's like the same as literally doing any other fucking Russian accent or a French accent.

There is no difference.

Anyone that tells you that there's a difference is lying.

It's like any argument that I've seen has been bullshit that's like oh you're mocking the struggle that asian no i'm laughing at a silly voice that's it i'm not fucking like it's not like fuck these people trying to learn english at least with me personally shane might feel that way i don't i just it's like it's just genuinely i think it's like a like it's a funny voice also i was making myself laugh the other day imagining like fucking

Chinese Tony Soprano.

That would be good.

It would be good.

Just going to Dr.

Melfie.

Just going to to Dr.

Melfie, being like, I feel bad.

And then Melfie's like, don't feel bad.

Oh, she's Chinese.

Oh, okay.

Bye.

And then that's it.

That's the whole show.

Yeah.

Woke up this morning.

He's just crashing his car all over the New Jersey turnpike.

Just smashing it.

Smashing into the guardrails and the jersey wall, smoking that cigar.

Rear-rending people.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

No,

that won't stop being funny to me.

I'm sorry.

I can't.

You're not going to convince me that's not funny.

You can't do it.

And I don't, like, you know, I don't know.

I'd rather live my life and laugh at things because it brings me fucking, it makes me feel better because life is garbage.

Yeah, it feels nice to laugh at something funny, yeah.

It's like and they laugh at our shit too, right?

They think we're ridiculous.

I'm not fucking Mark Wahlberg, I'm not going out and like ripping people's eyes out with fucking meat.

No, it's not a you, I mean, in a lot of ways, you you truly respect the Chinese, you lived with them, sure,

but I don't know,

yeah, disappointing time to be

in comedy, I guess.

Unless there's somebody that does, you know.

Well, it's like, sort of like what we were saying before the show.

Lip sync stuff.

I'm sure that's great.

I'm sure it's a great time to be in comedy if what you do is just

reenact TikTok videos.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Oh, I thought you were talking about the

other guy that got SNL.

Oh, I completely forgot that that's what he does.

Yeah, he does lip-sync videos.

Yeah.

Which, you know what?

And that's the other other thing.

Those are pretty.

Some of them are.

That's the other thing, too.

It's like, then there are people that were like, you know, not a lot of them, luckily, but there was people that are like going after that guy.

And it's like,

you know, yeah, it's like, you know,

he's not trying to fire Shane.

Right.

Yeah.

And also, he was, he already worked at SNL.

He was like a writer there.

You just added him to the cast.

The coverage, the initial coverage was so funny.

The coverage, like, it was like, it was like, they plucked him out of nowhere.

Right.

But like, this means that we can all, this is the most powerful moment.

The

falling of the Berlin Wall, uh, fucking Neil Armstrong on the moon, and Bowen Yang pretending to be Kim Jong-un on a show.

Right.

Fucking people with, like,

you know, Alzheimer's watch anymore.

Didn't Fred Armison play Obama like four years ago?

Yeah, and somebody's been linking all old SNL shit that I've never seen because I was never really even a huge SNL head.

Yeah.

And there's this, there's a sketch with Dana Carvey that's just like the entire thing is like he's Chinese.

It's literally there's nothing else there.

Sorry, I keep getting my shit blown up.

My shit blown up.

Yeah, I mean, it's obviously ridiculous.

The problem is, it's like what we were saying before, it's like if you just divide the community into like, the good and the bad

and like the good the good boys are the ones that are getting tv shows and stuff and that that shit sucks where do like kids that think it's gay like go like go to yeah you know and they'll just start like watching jordan peterson videos and stuff like if there's no like alternative to

you know whatever

whatever garbage they're putting out nowadays i'm i'm doctor i'm dr jordan peterson i was trying to do him the other day and i got him for like a half second

i'm dr jordan George.

I'm coming with the frog.

I'm not.

I'll tell you what.

If you want to get your dick sucked, you better bring it around me, buckle.

I'll give you a goddamn dick suck.

If you want to come in my classroom, you better unbuckle my goddamn pants and fuck me in my ass.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Yeah, I mean, if you like.

If you de-platform people to the point where it's like...

No, I want some fucking MSG.

I was disappointed.

You want to go out to Flushing?

What?

I got my car here.

I mean, I came in a LaGuardia, and fucking Abby came and picked me up, and I was like, let's get great, let's get good Chinese food in Flushing.

So I looked up anything that was close, and

there was an article, and one of them was like Grand Sichuan House.

So I typed in Grand Sichuan House or something like that.

And then we went to one, and then I didn't realize after there's like a million of those.

So then I ended up at just some, just regular fucking.

Some chain.

Yeah, I mean, it was like a run of the mill.

It was fine, but it's like, I want like just some like good like shit, you know?

Dude, let's go.

That's what we got after that.

After the Paul Simon.

That was good.

Yeah, it was really good.

Yeah.

We got with Max.

Yeah, I had really good.

Actually, I didn't.

I don't know where the fuck I went, but it was like on par with like,

I don't know.

What I want is, and I don't want to like, I want Korean barbecue, but I don't, like, I have to limit myself to like once a month.

If I ruin Korean barbecue for myself, I'll kill myself.

What do you mean?

Like have it too often that I get burned out on it.

Yeah, yeah, I see what you're saying.

I've done that with every other cuisine.

There's a there's a like a strip of Chinese places in Forest Hills that I really want to go to.

I haven't been to yet.

In the mall?

It's like close to that mall.

Yeah.

There's a mall in Flushing that has like all those Chinese places.

Yeah, I could do that.

I just started.

There's this other place in Elmhurst I went to recently, a Chinese place that was insanely good.

Yeah, I'm like minding my diet again, so I can't really be fucking with Chinese food.

I had this dish called oil spilled noodles the other day.

That was just one of the fucking most delicious things I've ever had.

Some Louisiana Creole style.

Fucking Chinese food.

Some, yeah.

I was telling somebody, like, when I was a kid, I used to go to Popeye's and I didn't know what New Orleans was.

So I thought that was just like Popeye's brand.

It was just that sh-like that kind of weird.

Well, no, just that music and like all that, like, yeah, come on, Popeye.

You know, like, I just thought that was just like Popeyes.

From the commercials.

And then I found out about Louisiana or New Orleans, and it was like, oh, it's just like a Popeyes city.

You thought that.

Yeah, it happened the other way for me.

Oh, God.

At least in terms of my exposure to like New Orleans and Mardi Gras.

Like, I had no idea what fucking Mardi Gras was.

I knew about it from Girls Gone Wild.

Damn it.

The Popeyes biscuits.

You want to go to Popeyes right now?

I would love to.

Dude, I'm so hungry.

There's no good Popeyes.

There's no good fucking fast food restaurants in like, at least near Brooklyn or Manhattan.

Manhattan.

Queens has good fast food because Queens is like legitimately like middle class.

I had a

Boston marketing Queens once that was incredible.

Yeah.

And they have Boston Market there.

Yeah.

I feel like you don't really have as many chains.

Welcome to Boston Market.

We don't do any of that fucking faggot canceled culture stuff here.

You want a chicken pot pie?

Open Society, Open Free See.

Let me see your fucking Twitter.

I bet we're going to search through it.

And if there's not a slur in there, you're not getting a fucking chicken pot pie.

How about that?

When's the last time you went to one of those?

Boston Market?

Yeah.

I used to go maybe once a month when I was a kid.

That chicken pot pie.

You used to get it as a family.

That chicken pot pie.

You know what?

I'll tell you what.

I've never actually been in a Boston market.

Yeah, we used to get it and then eat it at home.

Yeah.

My mom would get Boston market sometimes.

And then Kenny Rogers came to town.

Yeah.

And then it was the Great Chicken Wars of the 1990s.

I tell you, I love that fucking Kenny Rogers guy.

Uh-huh.

You know, because I used to, I thought he was a faggot, but it turns out he's from Quincy.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

No, that guy's from

Dorchester.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I didn't know he was from the Boston area.

Yeah, no, because you hear his name, Rogers.

You're like, where's this guy from?

Fucking California?

Where's this this guy?

Who's a California nigga?

Yeah, he's got like a whole cow.

He's got long hair, like a fucking girl.

Uh-huh.

You know, he's playing music.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, this guy's probably a girl.

Uh-huh.

This guy is probably a woman, a female woman.

What about Boston natives Aerosmith?

Those guys have long hair.

Yeah, I mean, you know, I always saw Aerosmith.

I thought that guy was a faggot.

And then I found out he's, you know,

he's from Charlestown.

Oh, he's from the town.

Yeah, he's from Roxbury.

Like the movie.

Yeah, I found out Aerosmith is from Roxbury.

This turns out it's actually like four different guys.

You thought it was one guy?

I thought it was one guy named Aerosmith.

You think he was like a multi-instrumentalist, kind of like plays the drums with his feet.

I was like, who's this Aerosmith guy?

He sounds like a faggot.

Yeah.

But then, you know, my buddy Tommy, he was like, it's four guys.

Yeah, my buddy Tommy, he was like, yeah, no, it's, that's actually like, it's a whole band.

Yeah, and his first name isn't Arrow and last name Smith.

No, it's not.

A lot of people, that's easy to make.

He's like, no, Smith is last.

It's a band.

They wrote that song about Kenny Rogers.

Dude, looks like a lady.

Oh, yeah.

I didn't know that was about Kenny Rogers.

I remember hearing that song, and I'm like, you're right, that guy is a faggot.

Because that's what that song's about.

But they don't tell you in the song, because you know, songs that got like hidden meanings and stuff.

The hidden meaning is like he just looks like a lady, but actually, he's from Quincy.

Oh, okay.

I didn't realize that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyways, I'm going to kill myself this week.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah.

All right, we done?

Let's get some dinner, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah, we done.

Oh, damn.

How much we do?

Okay.

Hour 18.

Well, they're gonna have to

sift through that one.

All right, bye.

Bye.

This is Bethany Frankl from Just Be with Bethany Frankl.

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