Ep. 172 – Dark Alliance

Dreaming of buying your first car or new home?

Knowing your FICO score is the first step to making it real.

With My FICO, you can check your score for free and it won't hurt your credit.

You'll get your FICO score, full credit reports, and real-time alerts all in one simple app.

Your credit score is more than just numbers, it's the key to building the future you've been working toward.

Visit myfico.com/slash free or download the MyFICO app and take the mystery out of your FICO score.

Motherfuckery.

Motherfucker.

Motherfuckeration.

Stav is in Greece.

Yeah, the fat man is gone.

Big boy Billy Sunday.

I'm a fat man.

Big boy Billy Sunday's gone, so now we're going to try and do this classic style.

Classic, classic style.

I guess this is in classico.

This is the

with the dark alliance.

This is the dark alliance.

This is uh we're going to bring it back to us being completely broke, walking around Chinatown after you've asked me to come to lunch and we couldn't settle on a restaurant for about an hour and a half of walking around.

Yeah.

And then Nick finally says, let's just go to this fucking place.

And it happens to be just the absolute worst place we could have lunch.

That's right.

That is the Nick system for finding a place to eat.

Hey, you know what?

It works.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

That's what I I always say.

So, what's up, man?

Yeah, you've got a a tumor at the base of your uh at the base of your spine that's gonna kill you.

And you're like, hey, look, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

They're like, No, we should operate and take that out before it grows.

Like, Doc,

I've been on this earth a long time.

Like, you're 21 years old.

You've been uh having uh

you i ideations

recently?

What do you mean?

Been fixating on death a lot.

Oh no, I'm just fucking tired and bored.

Life's gay.

Yeah.

Life's so boring.

It it is boring when you haven't had a job for four years.

Yeah.

It is really boring.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like I guess I'll sit down and learn the NATO alphabet today.

And then uh what is that?

What's the NATO alphabet?

Like Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta.

Oh, is it called the NATO alphabet?

Faggot,

golf, homo, Indiana.

I thought it's all Lima.

I thought it's all Greek.

Is faggot a Greek letter?

Yeah.

It's not the Greek alphabet, it's the NATO alphabet.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

The Greek alphabet doesn't.

They don't have the same alphabet.

I know.

I'm stupid.

Of course.

Al alpha, beta,

gamma, gamma, delta.

So j gamma would be you're already fucked up.

Gamma is C?

Alpha, beta, Charlie, Delta.

Okay.

Alpha, Beta, Charlie, Delta, Echo, Foxtrot,

India, H-I-H-J.

We're doing a clip show right now of the audience's favorite bits we've ever done.

The alphabet.

The alphabet bit.

Oh, yeah.

People have been clamoring for that one to come back.

I didn't realize that was the thing we've already said.

We've done that.

We did that, I think, for about 30 minutes on an episode once.

The dirty 30.

That's what we called it.

We got to pour one out for your boy, dude, from Fox News, Red Eye, John Bolden

out of a job.

I think that was the last time I did that show.

Because they don't tell you who's going to be there until it's like you're on the way there.

Because that show would get progressively worse.

I mean,

I can't recall.

How many times did you do it?

Probably like three or four.

I can't recall exactly who it was.

The first, I just tweeted at them.

I was like, put me on the show.

And so I didn't have any

time.

And then they were like, okay.

And I was like, what?

All right.

You got to turn up to News Corp.

No,

I had no TV credits at the time.

Nothing.

I had no followers.

How many times did you do it?

Would you say?

Like three or four.

Three or four.

Yeah, something like that.

And then the first time I was on, I forget who I was on with, but it was like Joanne No Suschinski and then like Gutfeld?

No, Gutfeld wasn't there.

But, you know, it's like the usual mix of like, we've got Gavin McInnes and like the guy that writes movie reviews for fucking,

you know, I don't know.

The buttoned-up gentlemen.

The conservative, the Yaleys,

you know, like those fucking guys.

Yeah, like libertarians and then like Ivy War criminals.

Yeah, Ivy League libertarian.

Well, no, John, it was, there were no war criminals the first couple of times.

And then the last time I went, they were like, Ambassador John Bolton is going to be here.

Who, if you remember correctly, he couldn't be confirmed by Congress.

Yeah.

So he was just a temporary ambassador.

Yeah, and they, but they kept calling him ambassador while he was there.

He was UN ambassador, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it was like,

you know, it's like this.

is this a comedy?

Is this funny?

You lived in a, in a windowless box with no mattress.

Yeah.

And then it's like, you know, and then he just sits there.

He's not even saying anything bad.

It's all just like, I'm just Josh and you.

It's like now he's just this befuddled moron.

Did they write bits for him?

No, they don't write bits for anybody.

There's like writers for the show, but they writers like come up with the prompts.

And

I had no idea because like I fucking, I was going back to the green room one time and this guy comes up to me and he was like, hey, what's up, dude?

I'm one of the writers for the show.

And I was like, what?

What do you mean?

What do you write?

Yeah, I don't.

Is there a monologue at the beginning?

I think so.

They need to bring back Fox News right off.

Shalou has.

That was also before I really had too many.

I think I'd only written for one show at the time, and I didn't realize that every show has 15 people that sit in a room and they're like,

what if in this episode that we do the title?

And then, you know, John walks out and he's like, hey, everybody, how's it going?

They're like, good, let's put that in the script.

Like, everything have, they have a staff, it's just a snacks room.

Yeah, uh, no, there is always a snacks room.

Damn, I've gotten fat at the end's rooms.

Oh, yeah.

I was talking to Jamil about writing for ridiculousness.

Yeah.

Which is so funny because that's like

Tosh.0 for like.

Yeah, I know.

I've never seen the show, but that as a job, being a ridiculousness writer, sort of being put into this like career purgatory, yeah, yeah, where you're like, oh, thank god I made it, you know, it's literally out my balls from idiocracy of the show.

Yeah, well, it's like, I don't know what they pay, but it's, you know, you're not rolling in it, obviously.

Yeah, I think Hampton was head writer for a while in ridiculousness.

Anyway, but

I do know it's like some specifics of like what compensation is or whatever, but it's like very much a thing where it'll keep your head above water financially.

And then I don't think they fire anyone.

You have a place to go every day.

You can stay there for a decade.

Oh, yeah.

It is.

And it's like, whoops.

It's a purgatory.

Yeah.

It's like, whoops.

I was supposed to, like, I guess I did have a career.

I'm 45 now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

And I've been writing jokes for Rob Deerdeck

to respond to someone injuring their penis.

Exactly.

For 10 years.

Yeah, I know.

And it's like, oh, whoops, I ruined my ability to be funny or relevant because I've been doing like

I was asking Jamel about it, and he said assembly line comedy for

he said they really let him

take some responsibility.

He wrote most of the jokes for the Machine Gun Kelly episode of Ridiculousness, and I told him to put that in his Twitter bio.

I think he added it.

Sorry, guys, I'm a little sick right now.

We're having a little seasonal

seasonal cold epidemic here in New York.

Nick and I are both on our phones and we don't have stops to tell us to stop.

I have something specific for the show that I'm going to show you.

I know what you're doing.

I'm settled now.

I got it.

So anyway, we got this Joker movie coming out.

When are we going to get a

is it unplugged?

No, it's fine.

When are we going to get a female identifying or non-binary joker?

I think Michael Harley Quinn.

No, no, no.

I think the Joker's role.

A joke A joke-ass.

I was thinking the other day, they never came up with a name for female barbers.

A hairdresser.

No.

A hairdresser is either gender, and it's who gay men and women go see to get their hair cut.

I go to a hairdresser.

Yeah.

So a man goes to a barber no matter what.

And then the hairdresser, like, if you're like, I'm going to go see my hairdresser.

It's the same thing as going to see a barber.

It's just your game.

The gender is received.

It's not imposed upon

the doing party.

A barbette.

Legally speaking.

A barbette.

Yeah.

That's why people say the woman that cuts my hair.

Yeah.

Which is, it seems so impersonal and rude.

You're like referring to your wife as the woman that sucks my dick.

Oh, yeah.

The woman that sucks my dick was telling me earlier that Pearl Jam's going to...

They're thinking about doing a reunion tour.

Who's that?

Oh, that.

Yeah.

Oh, that's.

Just the other day, I was having a conversation with the woman that sucks my dick, and she

had an interesting story about the new Joe's crab shack

down on Route 5.

Apparently, they sing happy birthday to you, even if it's not your birthday.

Oh, my God.

It's a fun trick.

Yeah, actually, I got to remind me, I got to make an appointment with that bitch.

Do you take

the bitch who cuts my hair?

Do you, Nick Mullen, take Veronica to be the woman who sucks your dick?

Let me tight.

I'd love to marry Veronica.

Just the hot bitch from Archie.

Oh, I was thinking Veronica Vaughan from Billy Madison, one of my first crushes.

Yeah.

Keith Sampras's wife.

Veronica's are hot.

It's a hot name.

It is a hot name.

I will never name my fucking daughter Veronica.

Why?

I don't want no slut living in my house.

Oh, a slut.

I'm going to give her an ugly name.

Yeah.

Like Mildred or something.

Mildred.

Except

that would just.

That would turn them into a slut.

She would just be like a fucking bushwick,

cigarettes and pussy out on the fire or something.

She'd go by Millie.

Yeah.

And she'd start sucking dick at the moment.

She would go by Mildred.

She'd be

could not wait to put her name Mildred in her Tinder profile.

She would become one of those tank top girls.

Joy Division tattoo on her pussy.

With the

EKG thing.

Yeah.

So the middle of the pussy is the whatever that shit is.

Joy Division was Nazi adjacent.

They kind of had some like Nazi image.

Well, the Joy Division was a

Nazi brigade or something.

What do you mean?

The Joy Division was like a German military brigade.

Oh, in World War II.

Yeah.

I don't know.

And then Ian Curtis was kind of like

Nazi.

I was like, Dick was telling me something about that the last time I went to go see her.

I went to go see the

man who

knew too much.

And do you, Veronica, take Nick to be the man who beats your ass?

The man who blows your back out.

I would love to be that married to a Veronica.

I just wear a wife beater

outside in the street in Brooklyn, walking around like a chicken.

You peaked at 16.

Opening up the fire hydrants for the kids.

Hey, there you go.

Hey, there you go.

That's it for you, okay?

Veronica is so much hotter than you, but you still managed to cheat on her.

Right, yeah.

My entire body is made out of just forearm hair.

I'm wearing lots of jewelry.

Very sweaty.

We can be those guys right now.

We don't need our Veronicas to do that.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't have the right posture for it.

My posture, like,

you can tell, you know,

that I am not enjoying my life.

I can't be.

I see pictures of myself, and I'm shocked by how bad my posture is.

Yeah.

Disgusting.

It's not that bad.

Oh,

my neck just cranes downwards.

Maybe seated, yeah.

Yeah.

I look terrible.

What do you think the fat man's doing on that beach

in Santorini right now?

Cheating Cheating on his wife.

Cheating on him.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

It's been a funny shift.

That's what you go to Greece to see.

That's what you go to Greece to do is to cheat.

To see, you know, he was injured last summer and he hurt his foot, you hurt your brain.

Yeah.

And I think we've seen a shift the last couple of months for to us being the two dark princes of the show and Stav being the

happily well-adjusted.

Nothing's changed changed for me.

No, I mean, that's a different thing.

I think it's more like stop it.

I have a switch place.

Yeah, last year you felt like shit, and now this year you still feel like shit.

You feel like less shit.

I'll say that.

That's true.

We'll say you went from like, I want to die to like, I want to die.

Yeah.

I want to die.

Stating it plainly.

You know what I mean?

Instead of screaming it.

Because it's mixed with feelings of this is the benefit of being 30 now.

It's like, damn, I'm trying to smoke pot, which I won't do.

I have like four Oreos, and that's enough.

You'll get me my blood sugar hitting.

Like, I'm like I've done something.

You'll feel like you did like a couple rails.

All the veins around my eyes will start throbbing.

Your heart will start just exploding.

I'll watch five minutes of wrongfully accused and then be like, you know what, I'm just going to eat myself to sleep at 8 p.m.

Oh, God, I hate this shit, man.

What?

Just how weak we've become.

Oh, no, I'm not weak.

I'm still pretty strong physically.

No, you're weak in four cookies could make you feel that way.

Oh.

oh, yeah.

No, it is nice that you don't like

you can maintain physical strength, you just get injured easier, but the strength itself doesn't really disappear.

Oh, no, if anything, it gets you get stronger.

Yeah, kind of like an old, you know, old man's strength.

Old man's strength, the power to be raped and get over it.

Women would love to have that kind of Didn't you send us that screenshot of like from Chatterbait of like an old man with like a like an insanely long white beard

that has zero viewers

and he's just masturbating to nobody watching him

but he's jacked yeah no he wasn't jacked he had like a pot belly oh no I thought he was jacked no but he's just still beating off

it's just like all day long

he finally got high speed internet so he can do that that's what like imagine having to help that guy geek squad like oh I need my computer my computer's not working.

What do I use it for?

To go to racist websites, I think.

To beat off for no one on Chatterman.

Yeah.

I'm looking at trains on racist websites.

Oh, my God.

That's so funny.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I feel like I, you know.

I've found some things to occupy myself with, but I need more hobbies, I think.

What are you trying to get into?

You should smoke a pipe man I like it I'm not with that shit dude why

I don't know it just doesn't fit my aesthetic it doesn't it doesn't fit anyone's aesthetic no I think for you like with the beard you look like a sea captain yeah but I'm not a sea captain yeah but it fits with a general

I'm a gamer I'm a video gamist

I'm a guy that plays video games professionally

Well, you're not professionally, but a professional video game player.

Esports.

Can you play online on Wii?

I'm the number one esports athlete.

Do they call themselves athletes?

I think it is on like ESPN.

There was already a push to call them sports, and now they're calling themselves athletes also.

Are they?

Yeah.

I don't know about that, but I know that it is covered on

the ESPN

secondary stations.

ESPP.

What happened to the world's strongest man competitions?

They still have those.

Do you remember they also used to have like...

There's a guy, there's a guy that would come to my gym that like would train for strong man

and so he would come in and then he would like just pick up this giant ridiculous dumbbell that only he had like that was his workout

just pick it up and walk ten paces pick it up and like do like one arm snatches with like a fucking 150 pound dumbbell or whatever dude I used to watch that all the time

like a the like the the

grip on it was like fucking the diameter was like three and a half inches.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you remember they used to have like Irish

Like Celtic sports like there was like one where they'd like wear the skirts and then they would like they'd have like that huge tree trunk they'd have to like flip it or something.

Um no that sounds dumb.

It was pretty dumb.

Yeah.

And then they had axe competitions too.

They would play the original Scottish version of darts where there's no board.

It's just you face off against your opponent.

You threw darts at each other.

Yeah, you get a bullseye if you got the dart directly into the penis hole

of the other.

As the darts pierce your skin.

Oh, no.

Your dick becomes hard.

That's horrible.

And then you get a bullseye by getting the dart directly into the penis hole of your opponent.

Oh, man.

And that's Scotland.

That's what they do in Scotland.

I hear it's pretty cool over there.

Yeah.

Who told you that?

Orphan Annie.

I think maybe fucking Scottish.

Maybe Amber told me it was cool over there.

Yeah.

After they went on tour there.

Yeah, she was just in Ireland.

Is she back now?

She's back.

We should have gotten her back in the mix.

A little old school.

I asked her what she was doing, and she's in the East Village having

lunch with a friend.

Can you imagine?

What?

Going to lunch with a friend.

Going to lunch with a friend.

Yeah, it seems pretty dumb to to me.

Pathetic.

Yeah, what's next?

Fucking holding hands in the bathroom, Amber?

Where are

you and your friend going to go into the bathroom and just list genders at each other while holding hands?

Oh, my God.

Pathetic.

Yeah.

When is Bernie Sanders going to drop out of the race and endorse Elizabeth Warren?

Liz.

I don't think he's going to.

Queen Liz.

That's what everyone's waiting for.

I think the only way to stop Donald Trump is with another boring woman.

I think Elizabeth Borin's a woman who is definitely more progressive than Hillary Clinton, but in a way that's so marginal that it doesn't matter to the vast majority of people.

Well, it's just such a cucked way.

It's like, I believe in reforming a broken system instead of changing a broken system.

Sure.

It's like, oh, we'll just make new rules that will definitely not be overturned by a right-wing Supreme Court.

You know what I'd vote for?

Is Is the black guy from Twisted Metal whose arms are tires?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

That was kind of a rip-off of Jax, I think.

Yeah, kind of.

It's like, what about a Jax?

I tried to work on a bit about it, how in video games, the black guys aren't.

They never even get to have their arms.

Video games, they're always like, oh, yeah, what's up, brother?

My name's Boombox, and my brain is hystereo.

You can't just be a black guy.

It has to be some sort of cyborg where they replace his legs with fucking basketball.

Yeah, it has to be like a black guy from some sort of failed government experiment.

Yeah.

Right.

They're like, what if we tried to

the mistake with slaves was not turning part of them into a VCR so that they don't have rights.

Yeah, it'd be like, Your Honor, of course, is not.

Yes, he may be part human, but he's mostly fucking clock radio.

He can still talk and jive.

He's got a bunch of wires.

Yeah.

He's got a.

That's the other thing, too.

Both Jax and the guy whose arms are giant wheels, they both have like high-top fades.

Right.

It's like,

they're still at the barber shop.

Jax makes sense, but how the fuck are you getting those wheels through the door of the barber?

Right.

You need like some sort of garage door.

There's no way Cedric's coming all the way out to the fucking nuclear wasteland

to clean up that guy's fade.

Talking about how Donald Trump's a good president.

Yeah.

I love that.

Yeah.

The contrarian old black man.

Yeah, that's one of the characters in the new Twisted Metal.

Is O Contrarian.

And he's a black man.

He drives his car.

He drives his Lincoln

town car.

And he's like, matter of fact, for the simple fact, the simple fact was, when you hit the horn button, he goes, Matter of fact, simple fact was, the fact of the matter is,

simple fact is the fact of the matter is

The fact of the matter is

I like that.

Yeah.

What's going on on the phone?

Look at the stuff on your phone.

Brandon is failing at letting the fucking dog walker into my house.

I didn't even ask him to fucking walk the dog.

He just can't do it.

He just doesn't have the ability to let somebody in the house.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Pay attention here for a second.

Because I got to tell you.

Also, I'll say this.

I bought new jeans, and then Brandon went to the same store and bought the same pair of jeans.

I'll tell you what, what do the letters P and V mean to you?

Pussy and vagina.

Penis and vagina.

Also, penis and vagina.

What about P V W?

It's penis, vagina, and then the beginning of a website's name.

Yeah, well, the first two letters.

It actually stands for Pit Viper Worldwide.

Oh, I didn't know that.

You know what that is?

No, no idea.

Well, it's something to do with snakes.

Yes.

It's a sunglasses.

The next time you think about penis and vagina

World Wide Web,

you're going to think of Pit Viper Worldwide, which is a new sunglasses company out of probably California.

I think that's who.

They got a lot of sun there.

Yeah.

No, it's a new sunglasses company.

And they just

want you to.

They're disrupting the sunglass market.

There is.

It's a disruptive sunglass market.

Oakley is like literally shitting their pants right now.

Yeah.

Well, Oakley, Oakley's kind of had a downturn for years.

In 2009, there was a YouTube video where a man with Down syndrome showed off his Oakley sunglasses collection.

And that was sort of the beginning of the end for them.

Yeah.

When they realized, oh shit,

these aren't just first responder glasses.

Yeah, these aren't tech.

They're actually last responder glasses.

They're the slowest responder.

The slowest.

He may not even respond.

He's going to sit there with his eyes glazed.

His eyes glazed over as the towers fall.

Not responding in any way, shape, or form.

And that's really who Oakleys are for.

So, yeah, you want to get on the penis and vagina Pit Viper Worldwide sunglasses at pitviper sunglasses.com.

Pit Viper was founded on a simple principle, sunglasses that can take a beating.

You know, that's one of my biggest complaints about the woman that sucks my dick.

Her sunglasses keep breaking.

Her sunglasses keep breaking, which is ironic because the only reason she has them on is because she's got those big black eyes.

Yeah.

Yeah, because you already told her twice.

Yeah, in the spring of 2012, founder Chuck Mumford of Mumford and Sons.

No way.

Yeah.

It was.

From the same family.

From the same family.

Is it one of the sons or is it actually Mumford?

But it's the one that's like, Elizabeth,

oh, yeah.

He thinks it's the big heart attack, right?

I'm coming, Elizabeth.

Is that what he's doing?

I'm coming, Elizabeth.

Oh.

It's that Mumford.

I didn't realize it was that was the same guy.

Yeah, Mumford and Sons.

I thought it was just some gay Irish guy.

No, no, you know that Mumford song.

There you go.

They were traveling the Teton Mountains, Teton Mountains.

Oh, like the Grand Tetons.

Teton Mountains for a ski touring adventure.

Sunglasses being a very important part of touring trips.

Chuck had his current high-end sports sunglasses in tow, which quickly broke and left him looking for more.

So he broke his, this motherfucker is on top of a mountain.

Chuck Mumford.

Talking about, oh, come on, man.

I got my glasses up here, and then they broke.

Eat it, I'm coming.

And they broke.

And so he started developing Pit Vipers in the spring of 2012, once the

snow thawed, as a rugged product that could be shot, sat on, shoved in pockets, run over, and mostly maintain their sun and windbucking ability.

So these are actually bulletproof glasses.

And you can put them on and have your friend fire a gun.

That's no, that's a guarantee.

That's guaranteed.

It's a guarantee.

Yeah.

From a distance as close as six inches.

Yeah, not by us, of course, by the brand.

And yeah, legally speaking, I've never guaranteed anything in my life.

I would never guarantee anything.

It's not the way I live my life.

Yeah, so don't take my word for it.

Take yourself's word for it by shooting yourself in the face while wearing Pit Viper sunglasses.

Not less than six inches.

You could injure your eye.

And, you know, as you know, it's like not this isn't just for people in the military.

A lot of people listen to the show are at risk of killing themselves.

You know, you may want to kill yourself.

Well, as long as you've got your Pit Viper sunglasses on, there's an extra opportunity.

You hear the gun go off.

You put the gun to your head, you hear it go off, and you say, I'm ready to commit to doing it.

And then the bullet ricochets off, goes in the other room, and destroys your PlayStation 4.

And you said, you say, I've been given a new lease on life.

I can't, like, thank you, Pit Viper sunglasses.

I can finally appreciate living.

And then you walk out in the living room and the PS4 is destroyed, and you're like, okay, now I got to die.

And then you kill yourself for real.

And that's the Pit Viper promise.

So

Chuck had his high-end sport glasses.

Oh, yeah, those broke.

So through the spring, the tests were successful, and it was time to give them some attitude.

Being an accomplished artist, Chuck began painting the PVs.

Oh, he's an artist.

He's an accomplished artist.

Okay.

Not a regular bullshit, you know.

Not just like anyone.

Not like your daughter, Madeline, or whatever, that sits on a fire escape in Williamsburg and just has fucking dicks raised up through the slats on a cherry picker.

That's not art, Madeline.

That's not art.

You dumb bitch.

Get a real job.

Yeah, I go to Pratt for fucking HPV.

I go to Pratt for getting HPV.

I'm getting my master's in being raped at the new school.

I'm getting my...

I'm getting cum.

I'm getting my MFA HPV.

I'm doing a new project where I fill my entire apartment with cum.

That's not bad.

It's kind of subversive.

Yeah, so I've been crawling in through the vents because the cum is already up past the windows.

Mission impossible style.

I like that.

Yeah, it's sort of like the movie Blank Check, but instead of money, it's what if a woman just

fucking opened the doors to her pussy like a blank check and said,

let's see how much trouble we can get into here.

Anyway, so Chuck began painting the PVs to match his extreme lifestyle, and they looked damn good.

Wait, painting the actual sunglasses.

Yeah, he was painting them.

The Viper.

What are they?

Python Viper?

Yeah, Python something.

No, pitviper sunglasses.com.

Bottom line is that pit vipers may look like the most incredible thing in

decades.

Dectadeds?

Is that how I said it?

In

dectades.

But they are also highly functional sunglasses.

Oh, yeah.

Like Oakley's, which are low-functioning sunglasses.

Yeah.

They're for people that are 80 IQ and below.

80 IQ and below.

Let me ask you this.

If you're having peanut butter in every single one of your meals for the day, you might need some Oakleys.

Get Oakley's.

Yeah.

If your menu for the entire day is looking like 8 a.m.

peanut butter and jelly sandwich, noon,

maybe a peanut butter cookie, dinner time, a butterscotch candy

with a side of peanut butter.

Yeah.

It may be time for you to get some Oakley's.

Glasses, glasses for retarded people, TM.

Oh, Chuck Mover looks pretty cool, dude.

Is it one of the Sanford Sun guys?

It is the old man.

It's the father.

Bottom line is that Pit Vipers may look like the most incredible thing in decades, but they're also highly functional sunglasses.

They are the optimal blend of style and performance.

Like James Bond.

It's important to keep the fun alive, and at Pit Viper, we are striving to do our part.

If you haven't figured it out yet, we are very serious about not taking ourselves too seriously.

You love our product, what it stands for.

Blah, blah, blah.

They got a military design, three adjustment points for the perfect fit, solar protection,

optimal peripheral vision.

They have a product guarantee where they will replace the pit vipers, but you have to send a video of you breaking them.

Which it's a reenactment video.

So you can get that.

They have a guarantee that if they break, they'll fix them as long as you have access to Final Cut Pro and the $3,000 iMac to shoot a video and edit it.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm looking at their website right now.

They have, not only do they have sunglasses, they have party apparel.

Party apparel.

Just clothes for like, oh, they got a belt with you could fit a six-pack of beer in the belt.

Yeah.

That looks pretty good.

And it's on sale from $438,

and now it's $18.

Yeah.

Anyways,

yeah, go to pitviper.com

and or pitviper sunglasses.com and check them out.

Get you some sunglasses.

Get yourself some apparel.

And you can use promo code.

Hold on.

I think they didn't even send a promo code.

Pit Viper.

God damn it.

It's kind of like a Hulk Hogan aesthetic.

Or like a Riffraff, the rapper.

He wears sunglasses like this.

Come six nine is the promo code for a 20% off.

Ooh.

So C-U-M69.

20% off.

That's a hefty chunk of change.

That's a fucking good deal.

That's probably the best deal we've ever.

That is the best deal.

I think it is the best deal we've ever offered.

And you know, I love deals.

Yeah, Adam loves deals.

And

yeah.

So, yeah, come six nine, C-U-M, lowercase, C-U-M69

at pitviper sunglasses.com.

Go check them out.

And then, yeah, there's apparel stuff.

I don't know.

Am I forgetting something?

I don't think so.

Yeah, it looks like they have ties.

Yeah.

They have scrunchies.

Scrunchies.

You remember that for your bitch.

Remember girls that suck dick?

Oh, yeah.

They love scrunchies.

I remember them.

Yeah.

They got to get the hair out of their face.

They got to get the hair out of their face.

And

I got to kill myself.

Any day now, buddy.

Any day.

Look at this.

I didn't even clean up Scrabble.

Well, it looks like your Scrabble game has been cleaned.

Yeah.

Clean your clock.

Don't forget to clean your clock.

What does that mean?

To punch someone in the face, no?

Clean their clock?

I think so.

That seems weird.

It sounds like suck their dick.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like to polish their knob.

No, there was a guy who was like,

who was like, damn, I'd love to clean that guy's clock or whatever.

And then his friends.

He's like, you want to go, bro?

His friends who don't know that he's gay came over.

They're like, what?

You want to do what?

And he's like, oh, you know, I mean,

fuck, mess this guy up for how gay he looks.

Yeah.

You know, I'd like to clean this clock.

You ever heard that before?

So then he just spent his life beating up gay guys.

Just beat up gay guys.

And not living his truth.

And he's like, thank God that that clock thing.

Thank God I was able to

make up that thing to hide.

Say that clock thing.

To hide behind the fact that.

Boy, I'd love to lick that guy's cock.

Mark, would you say?

All right.

Say clean his clock.

You know, give him a little one-two across the sweet chin.

The chin music.

Oh, yeah.

Sweet Chin music.

What's his name?

Sean Michaels.

Sean Michaels.

You never watched Wrestling, Nick.

I mean, a little bit.

I mean, no, I didn't.

You're right.

I never watched wrestling.

I would watch SmackDown occasionally.

I used to watch it.

But I would watch UPN for a while was my favorite network.

Mm-hmm.

We've gone into this.

The black era of UPN, the Star Trek era.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, they always had fucking Voyager or whatever.

God damn.

These lightning...

None of my lightning cables work anymore.

That's that.

You may have a pocket lint in your.

No, I tried cleaning it out.

I'm going to get some electronics cleaner or something and give it a spray.

See what I can do.

That'll be a nice two-hour project.

Should I get that new iPhone?

With the three cameras?

Well, I was seeing today online, people are complaining that they have a, there's there's some sort of phobia of three things, a tryptophobia or something.

Why?

Because it looks like a spider's eyes.

And they said that it was triggering for them to look at that iPhone.

If you have that, you should kill yourself.

You should absolutely kill yourself.

It's not, we are not going to hear from those people.

That's not a legitimate.

There are multiple people.

A lot of them are hot girls saying it.

And these hot girls don't have that.

I thought it was lame, and then I heard a couple of people.

I can't have, first of all, they're all going to buy the phone.

They will always have that phone call.

Because

they love taking pictures of themselves apple's not gonna fucking you know

like

double back oh yeah we're gonna cancel production of the new iphone because we're scaring because it's scary it's scary for some people with this thing to hide women

yeah right triggle a phone something

now let me tell you something all right

and you better you better listen up this is i'm listening this is bill maher's fucking shut up corner go off if you got if you're one of these fucking people

that, you know, maybe you should fucking kill yourself.

New rule.

Maybe if you got.

Maybe you should.

Yeah.

Not you should, but maybe.

Yeah.

It's a suggestion.

If you're Donald Trump, maybe you should kill yourself.

Yeah, I wonder who's, you know,

you know who's also afraid of

Donald Trump.

You want to be like him?

With triptophobia.

What the fuck is?

Now I got to look this up.

It's tryptophobia or something.

Triptophobia?

Something like that.

It was trending.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Tripo.

What is it?

Look at this.

You click on it.

It says the following may contain sensitive material.

I saw that.

And it's a picture of the new iPhone.

It's triggering, Nick.

It's triggering for people

that are afraid of

three things.

This is not real.

There's no way this is real.

It's real, dude.

Multiple people said it.

Maybe five people said it.

Triple, you're afraid of things that come in threes.

You know what's so funny?

It's because

it's like, oh, these people just hate comedy or whatever, but comedy is the rule of threes.

Of course.

So it's like...

That's how you build a joke.

Now these people are like,

you've now found the retarded identity subset that's literally antithetical to the concept of jokes.

How do they look at a traffic light?

I don't know.

How do they do anything?

How do they leave their homes?

Three camera hot pumpkin princess Eva.

Is that the hot girl that's three cameras on the new iPhone actually triggers my tripophobia?

I can't have people walking around me with those cameras every day.

I thought it was pretty lame for them to say that, but then I saw

that one hot girl say that.

Yeah, let me ask you this.

can you do?

I got

three inches that might trigger you.

Yeah, but the three inches is of one dick.

I think if you had three dicks, I have three dicks.

You had three testicles, maybe.

It looks like that.

My dick, my three dicks, it looks like the bottom of a microscope.

Like

the lens,

exactly.

How do they use a fucking

not an electron, the other one?

Whatever the fuck it's called.

Microscope.

tripophobia

i i mean it's like am i just old i'm old now yeah if you're fucking if you're 20 years old are you hearing this you're like yeah of course of course they're afraid of the of course get over duh

of course you're afraid of the iphone the kids are afraid of the iphone they're listening to billy uh billy einlish yeah who's spooky she's she's a spooky girl that's the other dumbass take i saw on social media people are like she has some video where she has wings or she's in hell or something That's spooky.

People are like, I'm like, legit afraid of this new generation.

It's like, why?

For what?

For what?

For Billie Eilish?

Remember, we had scary things.

Yeah, we had death.

Eminem had a song about killing his wife.

There was Norwegian black metal.

The band would eat each other's brains.

Yeah, that actually happened.

Yeah.

Billie Eilish is just some boring fucking.

She's just some girl from LA that wears like Fox racing shirts.

Yeah.

I love this crackhead aesthetic that's really taken over.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

I don't know.

The only thing that feels nice is that sooner rather than later, those people will be old.

And I'll be even older.

Dude, I used to go to a then they get stuck in that weird, weird middle area where you're old, so you don't get to be cool anymore, but you're not old enough to be racist yet.

Right.

Where at that point, I'll be like, what, 80?

And boy, wait till you hear the things that I whisper to my fucking waitresses.

Wait

until you get a load of the things on my mind from what I have to say about the guy that cut me off.

Because you're going to have some thoughts, you know.

You know, at Circuit City, they didn't used to let these guys in here.

Sir, that's not true.

I'm also 80, and that's not true.

Yeah.

I remember Circuit City, sir.

Sir, it was just a regular big box story.

We're both 80 years old.

I remember the 2010s.

It was not the way you're describing it.

Not at all.

Yep.

There was a dame for every fella back then.

And if that dame did too many fellas, they killed her.

They fucking chopped her up and fed her to Chinese pigs.

Sir, that's not how it was.

Now all the dames are fellas.

And all the fellas.

Well, whatever.

However that goes.

Yeah, you remember the 2010s, the good old days, you know,

when men could be men.

They could be

afraid of iPhones.

Anyway, what are you doing?

Reading all these tweets and getting mad?

Yeah, I've deleted that previous tweet.

Many people are upset by tripophobia.

My sincere apology.

They say the ocean is calming, according to Andy Dufrane.

The Pacific has no memories.

What?

Oh, my God.

Shawshay?

Needs a tripophobia trigger warning.

Tripo.

How do all these fucking bad?

Where did this come from?

I want to post on Twitter that chick from Total Recall and say this is triggering my tripophobia.

Yeah.

I'm going to post that right now.

With the bitch with three tits?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's free.

Three tits.

Oh, triggering people up trip.

Now, this

Or the fear of irregular clusters of small holes.

Oh, it's not three things.

What is it?

It's a fear of an irregular cluster of small holes.

Wait, does this bitch actually have three tits?

That's what I was saying, because it looks like spider eyes.

Oh, that's...

So it's three holes.

That's a real thing, too, dude.

Tripophobia is not recognized by the American Psychiatric Association.

Yeah, it's made up, of course.

However, a subreddit on the phenomenon amassed 60k subscribers over the past seven years.

Of course, it has.

Okay, well, there's fucking subreddits that are like,

you know,

I beat off on mailboxes 10 million fucking.

There's 800,000 people that subscribe to that.

They're like, gosh, bad news.

The subreddit's coming to a close because someone threatened to rape Serena Williams.

And I've been with this community since the beginning.

And this isn't what we're about.

This is not, these people are my life force.

This is a beautiful, supportive community.

There's posting on here about the thought of coming on a mailbox.

And that's where it all began.

But I think about everything this community has produced, all of the memes that we shared together.

Oh, so it's three holes.

It's not just

three things.

Yeah, well, it's a regularly clustered small holes.

So it's,

you know, know what it's from.

Is there was like a manga called holes

like fucking 20 years ago, and it was like an image that would go around like the internet.

You see three pussies?

No, it was like a woman that would develop these weird small holes.

Like it was a disease where you get these small like holes on your body.

They kind of look like the holes that a bot fly leaves.

And then those bot fly videos got popular.

Bot fly videos are gross.

It's a fucking parasite that like burrows into your skin and it leaves like a one centimeter hole when they extract it.

Was it like lay eggs or something?

The egg, yeah, the larval,

yeah.

Like the larval stage of it is,

I mean, it's fucking disgusting.

And it's like because that's become like a yeah, it's a few millimeters out right now, but I don't want to lose it or retain any body in there.

Am I hurting you at all?

Is this guy doing this to his wife?

It's partially out.

Oh, it's removing it.

Got it.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, this is like a super cut.

And people have these remote.

Sort of like a cum shot compilation.

Is it moving?

It's a fucking animal.

Yeah, it's fucking disgusting, man.

There's these like bugs that like shit into your skin, and then you have this giant pimple with this fucking like, yeah, look at the size of these things.

Oh my god.

That's definitely a community.

People that like watching massive pimples being popped.

That's you know, that's a show now, Dr.

Pimple Popper.

What the fuck is it?

Yeah, it's just a show about this like Asian lady dermatologist that just pops the world's biggest like pimples and like, you know, like

boils and gross.

Oh, fuck that shit, dude.

Look at that.

Oh, that's fucking gross, bro.

Yeah.

Honestly, fuck Africa.

Is that from Africa?

I don't know.

I didn't even look into it.

I just assumed.

Sorry, Africa.

If that one's not on you, I apologize.

That one could be the Amazon.

Yeah, we don't have to blame it.

And if it's the Amazon, I'm glad it's being burned.

Hold on.

Because then people get mad.

They're like, that's racist.

And it's like, I didn't say Afrikans.

No, it's just that it's a biodiverse continent.

Yeah.

They have a lot of different animals and insects.

You should, like, when Trump said that Nigeria is a shithole or whatever,

it's like, you can't say that that's racist.

He could just be talking about the place.

He's saying, like, the bugs and stuff.

The bugs.

He's talking about.

It's got bugs, folks.

All of the bugs.

You can't get mad at him.

He said that today about the Bahamas.

That just right after they got wiped out by the...

The hurricane, he was like, they got really bad drug dealers, really bad criminals, gangsters.

You got criminal gangsters.

Somebody described Grand Theft Auto 3 to him.

And he's like, oh, that must be what's going on down there.

Oh, my God.

I saw.

Where do these motherfuckers live?

It's not telling me.

Those bugs?

Yeah, Dermatobia.

Hold on, this is American.

It's also known as the Tor Salo or American Warble Fly.

Oh, it's American.

Well, hold on now.

It might just be called that.

There's still a chance that it is.

Nope, Nick.

There you go.

The species is native to the Americas from southeastern Mexico, so it's not from

nice truck.

Oh, you got bailed out right at the end of that sentence.

Right at the end of that sentence.

The Africa of North America.

Exactly.

Exactly.

And that's not racist to say.

Because he's talking about the bugs.

I'm talking about the bugs,

which is the relationship that Africa, which I assumed the bot fly was from.

Remedies.

You put petroleum jelly over the hole.

And then it suffocates.

It suffocates it.

Okay.

And then it just stays in there.

Dead.

It's pretty nasty.

It's disgusting.

Yeah.

So I guess that's what people are thinking of when they see the

new iPhone.

And I tell you what, you can bet on that.

What do you mean you can bet on that?

You can take a bet on that.

You can take that one all the way to the...

Did you bet like what, your friend?

Or

at a sports?

You bet that

one all the way to the sports book.

To the book.

To the book.

Now, when I hear the term sports book, I hear the word book, and that's triggering for me.

Yeah, because I don't

know how to read.

I don't know how to read either.

I know how to gamble, baby.

I think books are

gay and offensive.

Now that we've got the new football season coming up, it's time to start gambling.

No, it's football time, dude.

It's time to start gambling.

And it's time to start gambling at mybookie.com.

We had week one.

Whose bookie?

My bookie.

My bookie.

Whose bookie is it?

My bookie.

No, it's my bookie.

It's your bookie.

It's your bookie.

Well, it's my bookie.

Well, it's mybookie.com.

And where are we betting?

My bookie.

No, where are we betting, though?

On the sports book.

But whose bookie is it?

Nick's bookie?

My bookie.

It's my bookie.

So I'm telling you, where do we gamble?

At mybookie.com.

And whose book is it?

My bookie.

No.

It's your bookie.

It's my bookie.

This is a classic who's on first.

What's that?

It's a comedy bit written by racists.

Where two guys try to decide which Chinese player to draft on their fantasy team.

At mybookie.com, they offer a Chinese-only fantasy.

Chinese people don't even play baseball.

That's the thing that bothered me about the Who's

the Japanese.

Yeah, the Japanese.

They should have chosen some Japanese names.

The sketch should be called Osaku is on first.

That would have made more sense.

And then, yeah, and then Costello is like, okay.

And then Abbott's like, no, I'm telling you, Osaku is on first.

Then Abbott goes, I heard you the first time.

He's like, aren't you going to ask me who Osaku is?

And they're like, you already said.

I'm guessing it's the first person.

His name is Osaku.

They're like, no, he's the runner that's on first.

Okay, you could have confused.

Yeah, I guess that's the confused.

That's the other person that it could have been.

They're like, I'm telling you, Osaku.

Or maybe the coach, the first base coach.

Yeah.

No, Saku is on first.

Okay, so it's the runner.

Yeah.

He doesn't want to get tagged.

It's like, my name is

Mori Sashu.

And you say, I can't tell.

All you fucking idiots look the same to me.

Oh, okay.

Then it goes in that direction.

Yeah.

Okay.

So he's confused because they all look the same.

All you fucking baseball players look the same.

Not because the names sound like you're saying the word who.

No.

It's that

all these Japanese players.

I can't tell the difference between baseball players.

It would be confusing if you couldn't tell the difference.

Yeah, and you're like, who's on first?

And you're like, no, his name's Osaki.

Who's a Chinese name, you fucking racist?

Right.

Yeah.

So it's not racist, but this person is legitimately being honest about their inability to differentiate between Japanese baseball players.

Mybookie.com.

And they are just asking.

It's a new season.

Antonio Brown is on the Raiders.

No, he's not.

He left.

He's on the Patriots.

And Odell Beckham is on the Cleveland.

He's still on the Cleveland.

That is true.

And they lost.

And the one thing that hasn't changed, where I'm putting my money down on all the games.

That's never changed.

We've always

used my bookie.

I love losing money, gambling.

Never make money, but then again, I'm not the kind of guy that researches things.

I'm not in it to win.

Actually, the loss is something that has some sort of psychosexual effect.

I gamble and I imagine myself as Philip Seymour Hoffman in Heart 8

as that guy.

Okay.

And I think, what a performance.

What a just, what a powerful performance.

The first PC Anderson feature.

What a powerful performance.

And then I lose all my money.

And I say, wow, what a performance.

But it reminds you of that great movie.

It reminds me of that movie and an artist.

Oh, it's worth it.

An artist who gave everything to his craft.

Yep.

Including his own life.

And his own life.

All Philip Seymour Hoffman do was act and then ride his bike around the West Village so you could see how fat his legs are.

Those pictures were pretty funny.

They're so funny, dude.

He's got, from the knee down, he's the craft mac and cheese dinosaur.

That's why they always put him in pants in the movies.

Yeah, no, he's got some tree trunks.

He had some fat boys.

Yeah.

That's Stobb.

We call them powerful haunches.

Yeah.

Now I really want to look at his legs.

Who Stobbs or Philip Seymour Hoffman?

Philip Seymour Huffman.

Well, you can look at his legs at mybookie.com.

It's the place to vet on football every weekend and to see pictures of Philip Seymour Hoffman's bloated leg.

Imagine how much worse they were when they found him.

Yeah, was it from some sort of

drug abuse?

Probably shooting into his legs.

You think so?

Yeah, maybe.

I don't know.

Oh, because he didn't want track marks.

Yeah, I don't know.

Here, let's look at he did look kind of cool riding a bike.

Philip, he looked cool smoking a cig.

You know, he doesn't look good to himself, and that's why he has that expression in the picture.

Oh, he doesn't look happy.

Yeah, he doesn't look happy at all.

Yeah.

Don't take a picture of me.

I don't want my fucking picture taken.

Look at this one.

He's smoking a cig and riding a bike.

I don't

want my picture taken.

I can't do him.

He's weird.

He's got like three different voices.

Yeah, they change.

You're good at the Boogie Knights one.

I'm fucking sorry, man.

That one?

Yeah, like the one where he's almost about to cry.

He's just tried to kiss Mark Walter.

Oh, this one's great.

That's a good picture.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Oh, his poor children, orphaned.

Yeah.

He ate them before he died.

Like a spider.

He did.

What does heroin do to your appetite?

I don't know.

For him, it looks like it made him much fatter.

I think junkies get bloated, right?

Heroin junkies.

The friends that I had that did heroin that didn't die eventually all had that kind of look with his legs, but it was in their arms.

They had these like sort of Muppet arms.

Like they had like huge

cookie monsters.

Fat hands, fat fingers.

Fat, yeah, like a fat flipper almost that's kind of cool yeah where you just you know you have that look

my bookie.com mybookie.com um i would only recommend the service to uh to my listeners it's been good to me

you know and they've been great to you that's true they've been so good to me they've they were there for you when you needed them they've been really good to me Okay, I can say that 100%.

They've been some of the best.

It's a beautiful company.

I go there every weekend.

I go into the office and they say, oh, look, it's so beautiful to us.

You don't know, you're beautiful to me.

And we have a great time.

My bookie is the place to bet on football every weekend.

They have better bonuses and more prop bets than any other sportsbook period.

That's a guarantee.

Man, that is a great sentence.

My bookie has better bonuses and more prop bets than any other sportsbook period.

That's cool.

It sounds Italian.

Yeah.

I love that.

It sounds Italian to me.

Yeah.

It's an Italian-style sentence.

An Italian-style sentence.

My bookie is better bonuses and more prop bets than any other sportsbook player.

If someone said that to me, I would believe them.

I would believe them 1 million percent.

This year, they're hosting the first online handicapping super contest.

First place is guaranteed to win at least $100,000 and only cost $100 to enter.

All you got to do is pick five NFL games against the spread every week to climb the leaderboard and score your share of the huge cash prize pool.

That's why my bookie is always the right play.

You bet, you win, they pay, you bet.

Not to be confused.

Not to be confused with any other sportsbook website.

This is a unique

slogan.

They have put so much time into thinking of how to differentiate themselves with a slogan that sounds nothing like.

Listen, you said it maybe five seconds ago.

I cannot remember what you just said.

No one has any idea.

It is so.

Who gives a shit?

Who cares?

Yeah, who cares?

It's a sportsbook website.

They're great.

My bookie has live in-game betting on every NFL game.

They've got the most rewarding player perks in the business.

And for you fantasy guys out there, you can even bet the over-under on how many fantasy points a player would score each game.

So that's getting into derivatives trading,

which, as many people know, is great for the economy.

Oh, yeah.

Every time you go to mybookie.com, you're buying a school teacher a home.

You're paying off their mortgage by manipulating the economy in a way that benefits them.

I heard that.

It's a benevolent service.

I went to Cox's funeral and I overheard this.

Cox funeral?

Yeah.

What is that?

The Koch brothers.

Oh, Ed Koch?

The dual funeral.

Was it Ed or was it David?

It was David Coke.

Ed was the former mayor of New York, the homosexual.

The closeted homosexual mayor.

Don't vote for a homo, vote for Cuomo.

Which I always love.

What a fucking an unofficial campaign slogan.

I don't think it was ever on any t-shirts.

It was an official campaign slogan.

And it's like

to use your own name to insult someone else.

Right.

Because probably he's been called Cuomo the homo his entire life.

His entire life.

And he really got ahead of that by calling his opponent the real homo.

Yeah.

And it would be like if you're you're running and your name is F-A-G-O-T.

Right.

Right.

You're like, vote for faggot, not faggot.

You know, like two T's.

Yeah.

But you're faggot.

It's a different word.

It's a different.

No.

It is a different word.

Yeah, it's a different one over here.

But Cuomo means homo in Italian.

I learned that from, was it CNN?

Really?

I don't know.

I don't know anymore.

Anyways, up to $1,000 first deposit bonus, you can double your first deposit.

If you use promo code come to activate the offer,

every time.

I can't believe.

Yeah, nothing else.

Just come.

Just

to activate the offer.

I can't believe it.

So go ahead on that website, put the word come into it.

Just go ahead and put come in there into the website.

Just write come.

And then visit my bookie online today.

That's M-Y-B-O-O-K-I-E.

And don't forget to use promo code calm when creating your account to claim the bonus.

Bet win get paid.

Myboogie.com.

Yeah, let's look at Seymour Hoffman again.

A little bit here.

Is this his wife?

Yeah.

His wife was cute.

She was cute, dude.

Yeah.

I mean, he was massively fat and a junkie, but he wasn't a bad-looking guy.

Yeah.

I remember, like,

I remember watching, maybe it was Before The Devil Knows You're Dead.

I don't know.

Great movie.

Somebody that opens with Sidney Lumin.

That opens with, like, a sex scene with him.

And I was watching it with some hole.

Yeah, one of them holes.

Yeah, just some girl.

And

I was like looking at him.

I'm like, fuck, that must suck.

Like, I'm like, I hope I never just become that size.

Right.

You know, just have to be a fat piece of shit fucking.

And then she was like, I don't know.

I'd fuck him.

I'm like, well, I didn't ask you that.

Girls would fuck anyone.

I know.

And then she was like, I think that's a big secret of the world.

She was like, I think he's hot or whatever.

And I was like, really?

I'm like, that looks like painful to live that.

Like, you're just struggling to breathe.

It's always through your nose.

Yeah.

You know, you've got a loud nose.

He can't properly wipe his ass.

Can't wipe his ass,

you know, dude.

I was in an Uber with like a 600-pound driver in LA.

Yeah.

And he was so fat he couldn't wipe his ass properly.

Did he touch that?

Just like the whole thing.

No, just the car.

Hey, how you doing, man?

What's going on?

Yeah.

Nothing.

My name's Carlos.

Yeah, I can't wipe my ass.

It's crazy.

No, he was like a, like a clearly like a community theater guy in like, you know, somewhere in rural Massachusetts.

And he went to go follow his dreams.

Oh.

Just got massively fat.

You get in the car and he's like, gentlemen.

He was definitely, yeah.

I mean, he had that eagerness of like a guy that's in like,

you know, regional theater.

No, I don't know who you're talking about.

Just a guy that's really excited about caste bonding.

And like, oh, we go real wild at the cast party after the Ubers in LA are wild.

They are.

Because here it's like, you know, cocoa, cocoa nugual,

you know, and like

they're silent.

It's not a word.

And maybe they have a phone call that's like,

it's like another guy speaking R2D2 or whatever.

And then, but you go to LA and they just like fucking, they're like, well, I was born in 1970 in

Texas.

And then I came over here and worked in the industry for a little bit.

And then I was a waiter.

And then I got married.

My wife was murdered by some Asian people that I owe money to down in a little real estate problem I had in little Tokyo.

And then I've been driving for a while now.

And last year I was sodomized by a passenger and contracted the HIV virus.

So

that's, but luckily there's a cure now.

A lot of people don't know that.

And that's, you're like, can I get a different guy?

Can I just go, can I ride with Nunca Boule again?

Whatever his name is.

I don't want to have to hear all this.

Yeah, it's too, you get too much narrative out there.

Yeah.

Stop and I have to.

And it's always so much like exposition that you feel required to respond to.

You know, it's like they're not just saying they're not like, nice weather today.

It's like my sister was raped.

They're like,

I'm so sorry.

It's that that sounds awful.

That sounds terrible.

I'm trying to get to Culver City.

Yeah.

Anyways, the weather, huh?

Yeah.

It's real nice out here in California.

Yeah, no, I'm from

Russia.

I'm from Moscow, Russia, from the jails there.

Yeah, I just got in from the jail in Russia.

So, I'm sorry, you're having problems.

Yeah, Sabin, I had a lady who's like this, like, Hispanic lady in LA, and she was like, Yeah, I mean, like, as a woman, it is difficult because, like, men are like very aggressive with me.

And I had this guy, I was dropping him off at a hotel, and he was cute.

I would say he was cute, And we got there.

He was drunk.

And we got there.

And she said, Well,

you know, you want to come up to my room?

And I had to say no.

And I would, and you know, because I do have a boyfriend.

And then Stav is like, How'd you meet your boyfriend?

She was like, Oh, I was driving him in my car.

So it's like, not, she doesn't not fuck the

right.

Yeah.

She's she just already fucked one, you know.

Yeah.

Which kind of rules, honestly.

Yeah.

She was a, she was an attractive 40-something, I will say.

I got picked up by a lady in LA that was like a lift driver, and like she was one of those like

flower child, like, was a slut, you know, 40 years ago.

Yeah.

Like, prayer crystal ladies.

Yeah.

And she's like, just, you know, whatever you got to do to stay positive.

I'm like, I'm keeping you in my thoughts and I'm like bringing you good vibes.

So like, thanks for riding my car.

And my car, we have a positive outlook and all this shit or whatever.

And it's like, I just want to go home and kill myself.

Please don't.

Please don't try to be nice to me.

You know, the sad thing is, is that she's way more depressed than me.

Oh, probably.

Yeah.

You know, she's just trying to fuck passengers.

She's trying to get...

She's trying to catch some dick at her job.

Yeah, she's just trying to get fucked by a passenger.

And I'm not having it.

Damn.

Max Rosenblum, who's connected to Philip Seymour Hoffman, this accused drug dealer, is going back to jail.

Wasn't that guy a comic in DC?

No, I mean, I'm sure there's somebody with that name.

Yeah, his the guy whose act was like

yeah, I'm Jewish.

Um yeah, I guess similar to my act.

Some hipster that uh

who killed Philip Seymour?

Well, he sold him the dope.

Mac Miller's drug dealer just went to jail.

Um

really why that's stupid.

Well, if you sell like a hot bag.

I don't know if it was a hot bag.

I think it was fentanyl with the Hoffman thing?

I think.

What happens with heroin addicts is they stop for a while and then they try to do it again and they don't realize they're like they fuck up their dosages because the tolerances have changed.

Mac Miller had, it was like fentanyl and Coke.

Yeah.

Yeah.

With fentanyl mixed with Coke?

Yeah.

Why do people, why are they doing that?

That fucked up.

You kill your customers.

Yeah.

I think they do it because it's cheap.

Yeah.

And

fentanyl.

You can get people really high.

Like in the Coke, it's like, isn't it obvious that you're not because it's a downer mixed with an upper?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's scary shit, man.

Yeah, I mean, they should.

They're probably testing kits, you know, you could buy.

And then that shit that you have.

What's happening is the global elites are taking drugs back.

What do you mean?

Well, they knew with Epstein's arrest in 2009, they're like, fine, you won't let us fuck kids anymore?

Guess what?

We're going to poison all of the...

We're taking heroin back.

We're going to poison all of it so that only rich people have access to heroin and blow anything.

Oh, so it's kind of a luxury.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So now they get all the good shit.

And then I guess fentanyl is like, you know, basically crack for white people.

Well, opioids are crack for white people now.

Yeah, but fentanyl is like,

I mean, I think you can properly dose fentanyl.

They're just going to import it all from fucking China.

Yeah, they're going to blame it on China.

Well, they've been blaming it on Mexico, but in reality, most of it comes from China.

Yeah, it's like the Africa-Mexico debate with who has the worst bugs.

Exactly.

The classic question.

Who's responsible for the worst bugs?

Who's got the worst bugs?

Yeah.

I mean, it really was unfair how they railroaded the president over those comments.

It were clearly just about the bugs.

The bugs.

The bug situation in Nigeria.

Folks, he's talking about the stinky heat.

They've got bad bugs.

Yeah, everything smells.

It's a stinky country filled with bugs.

He's not talking about the people or the culture.

They're fine people.

You know, I mean, D.C.

is a swamp.

Right, but the bugs.

Bad bugs.

So if he said DC is a shithole, particularly southeast D.C.,

that's not a racist.

I don't know about that.

It's just the Anacostia is dirty.

Right.

You know?

I hear it's cleaned up a little bit.

It's a dirty river and southeast is down.

I mean, naturally it's going to carry all the bugs and disease from the river over into the land.

And there's not racist reasons as to why that river is dirty.

Right.

You know?

There's no reason.

You can't blame him.

I really hope Joe Biden becomes president.

I think that's probably worse than if Trump gets president.

Oh, yeah.

Joe Biden is gone.

I mean he was gone 10 years ago.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, exactly.

I mean, he was caught plagiarizing like 30 years ago.

Yeah.

Well, that doesn't matter to the Chinese.

No.

They don't care about plagiarism.

And that's who's.

You think the Chinese are behind the Biden campaign?

It's all of these polls.

They're behind Jeb Bush.

It's all these pollsters talking about, you know, oh, how you win this group or that group.

You never hear about

the 80 million Chinese people that live in the United States.

There's so many.

How do you get their vote?

There's a lot, dude.

It's something, I think the last count is something like 450 million Chinese people in the United States.

Just in the United States.

Yeah.

Wow.

I didn't even know that.

The U.S.

population of Asians total is something like 6.5 billion.

In the U.S.

In the U.S.,

and no one talks about that.

No one talks about it.

That's the world.

We need to talk about it.

The world population is about 8 million.

65.5 billion of those people are in the U.S.

And then the total, I think it's something like 97% of the population is Asian.

Wow.

And then 50% of that is Chinese.

And where are they?

There are a lot more Chinese than you think.

There's like Mexican Chinese.

Yeah.

There's black Chinese.

It's a state of mind.

Yeah.

Exactly.

It's like gender.

It's nobody, you know, it's fluid.

It's an identity thing.

Yeah.

Chinese exists on a spectrum.

Right.

You know, it goes all the way from monkey to rat

with dragon being the apex which one are you i think i'm a really gay one i think i'm bunny yeah it's rabbit rabbit was that 87 87 yeah i'm dragon you're 88 yeah dragon that's the the best one with rules bruce lee yeah that's why that's why i was always fond of the chinese because i had a good year yeah i got a rabbit i guess that's a horny one right they fuck a lot uh not in chinese culture no they just they're they're eaten

there's no they're known for being killed and eaten.

They're psychoic.

For being turned inside out and hung in the windows at restaurants.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um

what was I gonna say?

Whatever.

You don't know?

No, I don't know.

I forgot.

I miss the fat man, actually.

Yeah, I miss him too.

It's also

we got a good going here.

I gotta get to

get to the stand where I'm guest hosting Stob's Fat Tuesday show, which he renamed this week Jewish Tuesday.

It should have been Fat Jews' Day.

Well, that'll be yesterday.

Isn't it going out?

Well, this was yesterday, so I'm giving you a recap

about last night.

But it's certain to be a fun evening.

I got to get to the post office before they fucking close.

Oh, I hate going to the post office.

It's the worst.

All right, we got Funny Moms this week coming up on Monday.

Let me check the date real quick, Nick.

Monday the 16th is the first funny moms of the month, and then we'll be back the 23rd and the 30th.

Hope to see you there.

I will not be there on the 30th because I will be celebrating Rosh Hashanah with my

mother and father.

Keep a lookout on come.town for new shirts.

I haven't restocked things yet, but I got the shirts in.

I just got to inventory them, and then those will be up for sale sooner rather than later.

And I'm sure Estavis, some tour dates, you can check that out on billburr.com.

All right, bye.

It's time to head back to school and forward to your future with Carrington College.

For over 55 years, we've helped train the next generation of healthcare professionals.

Apply now to get hands-on training from teachers with real-world experience.

In as few as nine months, you could start making a difference in healthcare.

Classes start soon in Pleasant Hills, San Leandro, and San Jose.

Visit Carrington.edu to see what's next for you.

Visit Carrington.edu/slash SCI for information on program outcomes.

You want your master's degree.

You know you can earn it, but life gets busy.

The packed schedule, the late nights, and then there's the unexpected.

American Public University was built for all of it.

With monthly starts and no set login times, APU's 40-plus flexible online master's programs are designed to move at the speed of life.

You bring the fire, we'll fuel the journey.

Get started today at apu.apus.edu.