Ep. 171 – Kevin Sorhol

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Alright.

Okay, and we're fucking.

Well,

what's up, big dog?

I believe I Adams owed a big time I told you so.

About what?

Vaping kills.

Vaping kills.

No, you know who's owed a big time I told you so?

Me, they do put fucking dog, fake dog nuts in dogs' nuts.

Nobody even knows what you're talking about.

What?

What are you doing?

You do know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, now, very convenient.

We forgot.

Oh, I don't think you should raise your voice about about that.

I am raising my voice, in fact, because I knew you put fake dog balls in a dog's ball.

This is why we don't do the podcast after lunch.

This is at 2 p.m.

I don't want to deal with him fueled.

Sounds charged up right now.

I'm charged up because I knew.

I gotta go back to a legendary.

It's something called nut nudicals.

No one knows what you're talking about.

We all know.

Vaping kills.

And Adam, for years, has said that there's no.

I never said that.

Who cares?

I said vaping kills.

No, it's all about dogs, fake walls

it's one of the yeah nick is smoking a giant green pipe right now yeah this is nice i like this pipe a nice

part of the st.

Patrick's Day collection.

I don't know.

Apparently, that's what the guy at the pipe store told me is that they made this company.

I guess it's

I thought it was a type of pipe, is a Peterson or whatever.

He's like, yeah, no, they made a

total andre, by the way.

Yeah.

He's like, yeah, they made a St.

Patrick's Day collection.

Hell yeah.

He's like, what kind of idiot?

I I mean,

what do you mean?

You own it.

Yeah.

You are one of them.

I mean, I'm not like, there's people that smoke pipes regularly.

Yeah, it's like their limited release.

It was great.

I was in that, yeah, it was the Nat Sherman on like 42nd Street.

Uh-huh.

And there's just, you know, the guys that hang out at the cigar store?

Yeah, just smoke.

They'd sit there.

This guy's smoking, and he's like, they want to open up the borders.

And these guys are coming over.

On 42nd Street.

Yeah.

There's a cigar place in Bedside that I went to once because they were playing a football game there.

And it's just like 10 Andres that just hang out in the center of the camera.

Yeah, I've seen that because I was looking for like a tobacco.

There's one on Tompkins.

Yeah, I saw it on like Google Maps or whatever.

And there's pictures, and it's like, come on in, put your Tims up.

Yep.

Come on now to Mahogany Elegant Smoke Shop.

De Elegance,

Sex Nier.

Yeah.

Everyone's wearing like Jordash and like, you know, 1993 Bobby Brown stuff.

Pele Pele.

Pele Pele jackets.

Yeah, honestly, it was a pretty cool scene.

We watched the Giants game, and they were, they kept calling Eli a fat.

Get him.

Yeah.

Get his ass.

You know, he's gay, though.

That's a compelling game.

I've never heard that Eli Manny is a homosexual.

I don't think he is.

But he, but he plays timid, like I think anytime a fan base turns on a player, he's a homosexual.

That's the

gay quarterback.

That would be nice.

There's another gay football player that just came out, but he

was cheeks.

I cut open

one of those Glade plug-ins

science experiment.

There's a little bit left that wasn't getting vaporized.

I cut it open to pour it behind the oven.

Yes.

Smart.

I thought, yeah, we can use some fragrance back there.

Now I smell like an old woman.

I was going to say, actually, it doesn't smell that, but I kind of like it.

Yeah.

Honestly, it normally smells worse.

He doesn't get into wearing old women's perfume.

Dude, that's a good move.

You got the big-ass beard.

You're smoking pipes, but you're just smelling like an old bitch with hard candy.

I've been recently getting into scents myself.

Lavender, but extreme.

That shit smells good, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm a fucking old lady for the Celts.

I'm sorry.

I remember going to like JC Penny with my grandma and going to the smell section and being like, damn,

I'm horny.

Yeah, I'm horny.

Or some old bitch with bangles.

Yeah.

I do remember getting a weird sexual thrill an old bitch who cut my hair at the East Point Mall Supercuts

right across from

Aladdin's Arcade and Caddy Corner to the McDonald's and the Brass Hen.

And for those for East Point Mall heads.

And she smelled like she had very overbearing like old lady perfume, but also like cigarettes.

And her big old lady titties, my head was just resting on them the whole time.

And I was very comforting.

Honestly, kind of horny.

Yeah.

Proto-horny.

I was like nine.

So having her massage you.

Oh, that's a shampoo stage.

Shampoo.

If you can get your dick sucked while getting shampooed.

It's that is my ultimate sexual fantasy.

Yes.

Absolutely.

Seriously.

I get a 75%er every time I get my hair shampooed.

Yep.

I love it.

By Japanese men?

Yes.

Recently it has been by a Japanese man.

Listen, I'm equal opportunity when it comes to shampoo.

It is erogenous.

Orogenous?

Yeah, my scalp is an erogenous zone.

Would you let a man massage, give you that shampoo, but it was the tip of his penis?

What do you mean?

Would I allow him to shampoo my hair with his penis?

No.

But it's the best shampoo.

Hold on.

Hold on.

I'm not done, Adam.

But it's the best

shampooing you've ever experienced.

But you know it's with the tip of a man's penis.

Well, if it's the best.

Would you allow it?

If you're saying it's the best, it's the best you'll ever experience.

It's fine.

It's fucking gay, dude.

It's not gay.

It's the best.

He's hard, and he comes in your hair, by the way, at the end.

Okay, you didn't ask me.

You didn't ask.

Well, if he came in my hair, then my hair wouldn't be clean.

Well, he would wash it again with a soft dish.

Well, that if he washed it again, then,

Nick, how about you?

I don't know.

I can't figure.

I'm trying to imagine how that would even work.

It doesn't work.

It's a Japanese secret that they teach in their little in their hair dojo japanese hands are perfectly modeled for a perfect uh shampoo sush scalp first of all you're again you guys are not dreaming to imagine this is your you have a real uh is that gonna be like the it's my

that's yeah for production it's gonna dream to imagine yeah stopping baby

no it's gonna be it's gonna be yeah actually yes it is and which means you're not capable of imagination while you're awake you have to dream to do it you're not dream the point is, you're letting hard Nick, you're letting

the technical realities get in the way of a beautiful feeling.

I don't visualize.

I don't only think in abstractions.

Well, there you go.

Think of it abstractly.

I can't.

I can't understand the concept of it.

Of a man's penis massaging your head?

Conceptually, no.

I mean, the mathematics have to add up, or it doesn't make sense.

It doesn't, yeah, it doesn't work physically in the physical world.

Maybe if it was 10 guys.

You have your eyes closed.

Maybe there is.

Who knows?

If it's

closed.

mimicking but see the thing about the human hand is you have joints and you have the you have stop getting into specific you already answered by the way you said yes fine yes okay so don't try and take back now i don't even want a regular scalp massage wow are you kidding yes i mean no well you said yes well i meant you but that's when people are like do you mind and you're like yes I mean, no.

What a dumb question.

What kind of, who is the first asshole to be like, do you mind if I sit here?

Somebody's like, yes.

You know, and then he's like, oh, you do mind?

It's like, no.

Just ask if you can sit there, you fucking asshole.

Can I sit here?

I do now.

I agree with you on that one.

What are you?

The riddler?

Yeah.

What the fuck is this shit?

Just ask directly what you want.

Can I not sit down here?

Shit, hold on.

Can somebody stab this man, please?

Can we get a knife in this man's anus?

Yes, we can.

Can we get a knife in this man's anus?

Yes, we can.

Yes, we can.

Oh, okay.

There's a tribe called Quest Barry.

A tribe called Brass.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah.

That's the one I want to belong to, brother.

Yeah.

The titty patchy

Indians.

The titty patchy Indians.

The Jackson and his men want to come through this land and suck on our tits.

Our big bountiful tits.

We have spent eons growing the juiciest.

Even the men have

huge tits.

We feast off nothing but buffalo cum.

We've grown big breasts, so we don't need language or land.

In this perfect world,

everyone has titties.

So you don't get, you don't have to.

There's no land.

Everyone's wife has huge tits.

So there's no jealousy.

You don't have to become boss of the company.

That is the basic.

You don't have to own property.

We just all share everything.

We fuck our wives.

We fuck every part of the woman.

Every part of the titty gets fucked up.

Every part of the woman gets titty fucked.

Beautiful.

What a beautiful society, man.

Before we had to fucking come and ruin it.

Let's give him AIDS and tuberculosis.

Yeah, we just shook their hands and they all got smallpox.

It's fucked up, dude.

Politics used to rule in the fucking 17 and 1800s.

You could be like,

who was the guy that was

his name?

Andrew Jackson?

The one where it was like his wife's a whore?

No, what's his name?

Seward's Folly.

Oh, yeah.

That dude was just like, yeah, I'm buying Alaska.

Yeah.

But he bought it for like a thousand dollars.

He's not even the president.

He was like, yeah, I'm buying it.

He was Secretary of State.

Nobody.

And people were like,

were you going to ask?

Or

just tripled the size of the country for

$20.

Damn, I didn't.

You went to Marshalls and bought more country.

Yeah.

It is.

Alaska is way the fuck out there, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's pretty close to Russia, right?

Yeah, I mean, you can walk to Russia from Alaska.

Damn.

That's fucked up, dude.

Why didn't the Ruskis, was that what Red Dawn was about?

Wasn't it part of Russia?

It was.

They bought it from Russia.

They bought it from Russia.

Oh, damn.

Yeah.

So it's really just

like a cuter Siberia.

Yeah, that's why everyone's making fun of

Trump for talking about buying Greenland.

But it's the same shit.

It's the same shit because climate change is going to happen.

In fact, him suggesting buying Greenland is like an acknowledgement that climate change is real and also the most pragmatic solution to climate change because it's like, no matter what we do, you pass Green New Deal, whatever, China's just going to cook the planet.

Yeah.

Right?

So

throw it in a wok.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Then you're going to fry it up.

Put a little chili oil on that bitch.

We're going to be like three pieces of broccoli.

Like maybe even one.

That's bullshit when that happens.

Yeah.

What are you even putting the broccoli in there?

Can you get a fucking general tozio?

Although I will appreciate when it's strategically placed to sop up the juices so that your fried ice

maintains 60 years.

Greenland will actually be green.

And Iceland will be ice.

Wow.

I know.

It won't.

No, it'll be just

Earth.

No, it'll be a desert.

Ice isn't a desert.

I feel like all the realms should be named after their

attitude.

Yeah.

Greenland, Iceland, Desertland.

Desertland.

Muslimland.

That's cool, man.

I like that you're calling forestland.

I like that you're calling countries realms.

Yeah.

Is that what happens when you smoke a pipe and get a big beard?

You don't get a big beard.

You start calling things realms.

That's what they are to me.

I do love the look.

Yeah.

It is cool.

You can just fucking be like, wow.

How far into the beard are you right now?

I'm at like, I'm almost four months in.

Four months.

And your goal is six.

I might go a whole year.

See what happens.

Dude, I'm getting used to it.

Well, it looks a lot better than the first beard.

Yeah, it kind of.

You're healthier.

You're not eating like gushers as many as your sustenance.

Yeah, I've been brushing it.

It looks cute.

You're putting oil in it?

Yeah, he is, dude.

Yeah.

I read the oil.

Every time I shit in his home, I read the oil package.

Yeah.

See what the ingredients are.

I do a little bit of...

Somebody sent me, like,

beard oil.

It smells like licorice, and I used it once or twice, and I don't like it.

Just because it's too delicious?

You keep trying to eat your own whiskers?

No, coconut oil is fine.

It's fine.

And it smells good.

Yeah, it smells alright.

Yeah.

You can buy a shit ton of it.

It's cheap.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

So, like, once a week, you just throw some coconut oil in there.

Oh, yeah.

Then wash it out.

Eldous used to just every day put coconut oil in his hair.

I don't think that's necessary.

I wait until it like feels because it'll get like brittle and scratchy.

And then you just coke it up.

Mm-hmm.

Get some nut and stuff.

Nice and yeah.

Yeah, I bet you put nut in there, man.

Yeah.

Oh, I bet you do.

All types of different kinds of nut.

Damn, Native Americans must have felt gay when Europeans showed up and they had huge beards.

And they're like, damn.

They're just wearing girls.

We can't grow girl hair on our head.

All we could grow.

Wait the fuck.

I just realized that.

There was never a single

can't grow beards.

What?

Yeah.

Oh, maybe I'm Native American.

Wait, but were any of them bald?

Because that's a pretty cool trade-off.

They all have beautiful heads of hair.

Yeah, no, there's a lot of bald ones.

What was

it, Tonto?

He was bald, right?

Tanto, isn't that from the Lone Ranger?

Or Lone Ranger?

No, no.

Sacagiwea's friend.

Saka Juea.

Saka Jewea.

Saka Jiweea.

There you go.

Wasn't that um Saka Jewea.

Wasn't she the bitch that told Lewis and Clark where to go?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But she had she was boys with a guy.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, remember there was like fuck.

She was definitely bopping them off.

I think she was getting she was getting

her pussy p plowed by Lewis and Clark.

For sure.

She has some respect.

She was getting spit roasted.

Didn't she have a kid?

Her pussy was probably all fucked up.

What do you mean?

Well, back then they don't have like sewing needles to put together your pussy.

Yeah.

Well, they have sewing needles, but they don't have the thread.

You know what I heard?

You know what I heard?

That when a woman gives birth, sometimes they're the husband's stitch.

The husband stitch.

I've never heard of that.

Make the pussy tighter.

Yeah.

An extra stitch.

Yeah, what was that fucking other guy's?

Which I don't think is.

Was that how that works?

The inside of a pussy?

The inside of the pussy is the.

But yeah, if they sew up the opening, then the inside...

Doesn't that hurt the lady?

I mean, it hurts to give birth to a child and have your pussy tear into your age.

It's torn asunder, that's true.

Right.

Yeah, I barely understand how you would

the 15 most famous Native Americans.

And yeah, you keep scrolling.

We're going to talk about pussies.

I don't even understand women's health issues at all.

Not at one bit, dude.

Something with the moon?

Yeah, that's fucking weird.

That beards line up with the moon.

What are they, fucking werewolves or something?

It's fucking like that.

That shit is.

That's when bitches that are into crystals, I might be like, okay, maybe you're on to something.

If the moon controls your pussy, their pussies.

And why not crystals?

Also, their pussies respond to the tithes and the moon.

Crazy.

Do we have anything like that?

Do our balls swell when it's low tide?

Nope.

That would be cool.

None of that shit.

That'd be cool if your balls got heavier, if it was more humid.

That's why they can't be the president, dude.

Because the moon is telling them what to do.

So true.

That is a great point.

Anyway, I recently watched that Will Farrell movie, Stranger Than Fiction.

Oh, where it's

someone narrating British bitches narrating.

Yeah.

They read, like, Will Farrell is a guy that's.

It's not a good movie.

No, it kind of sucked dick.

He's so horny for Maggie Gyllenhaal

that he stopped, he forgets that he's about to do it.

There's a movie where she's

secretary.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, where she's getting.

I have jacked off to Secretary.

Yeah.

Yeah, if we all know 100%.

The one Maggie.

Where she had her fastball.

Yeah, that's when she was really peeking.

I mean, would you rather fuck Maggie or Jake?

Maggie?

Nick, would you rather fuck Maggie or Jake, Jillian?

I'd rather figure out who this fucking

thing is.

I think you just made him up.

No, he doesn't.

He's not a real guy.

He had a dumb name like Tanto.

Squanto?

Maybe.

Yeah, actually.

Is it Squanto?

Maybe Squanto.

Squanto?

Yeah, you never heard of Squanto?

No.

Yeah.

I think that's him.

No, you're right.

Yeah, more commonly by the diminutive variant of Squanto was a member of this.

Stop finale fired today, bro.

Dog balls are real.

Yeah, but he wasn't bald.

Oh, well, okay.

There's a guy.

I got another one.

Wait, Bill Maher is Jewish?

Yeah, Bill Maher.

Of course, he's fucking Jewish.

No,

on what side?

On the, I mean, bro.

Squanto.

Don't make me go here, but there's some real

facial proof that he's.

I just thought he's annoying, so that's why people think he's Jewish.

Yes, that's true.

And that's what upsets me because people think all annoying people are Jewish.

No, he's one of those guys that was successful in the entertainment industry that didn't realize he was Jewish until he had to get a TV show.

Oh, he realized he was Jewish later in life.

Yeah, yeah.

Well,

my brother did a 23 and me, and I think we're like 6% plus or minus Jewish.

Absolutely zero.

How much percent?

6%.

Absolute zero.

This This sounds like a sound.

That's not true.

That's not true.

But there's a there's a Nixel got a lot of Jew in him.

No, I have I have a cousin, but that's not by blood.

Well, but other than that, yeah, no, I've I've done the DNA test, and they said absolutely zero percent.

They send you a gold letter.

Yeah.

So many people are sighing relief.

So many listeners write a certificate.

Congratulations.

Okay, yeah.

He found out later in life that he was Jewish.

I I mean, come on.

He's Jewish Catholic.

Irish Catholic.

Are we fucking.

He's so, he's the most Jewish-looking man.

I mean, not the most.

The most.

Not the most, but come on.

I mean, he's got that just that schnazarino.

I think we can all agree that the obnoxious parts about him are clearly derived.

Yes.

That's what I was saying.

I think if there's a lot of people who are

that not all, listen, all Jews are obnoxious, but not all obnoxious people are Jewish.

That's true.

It's a,

it's, you know, a logic.

Like a rectangle and a square.

Right.

What is it?

All squares are rectangles.

Quadrilateral

and.

All squares are rectangles.

Don't fucking try and quadrilateral.

Do not try and fucking add an extra word that doesn't need to be said.

A quadrilateral.

All squares

are a rectangle.

But not all rectangles are squares, brother.

Oh, because

Kamiyawait was Sacagawea's brother.

Kamiyawaite?

Yeah.

Sacagiwea had a kid, right?

So the pussy was fucked up.

Lizette, yeah, her daughter, Lizette Charbonneau.

Oh, is Lizette Charmoneau?

Yeah, good afternoon.

What's up?

You always meet

Sakaji's daughter.

Lewis and Clark's expedition is currently closed.

If you would like to leave a message, please leave a message after the beep.

Is this a recording?

No, it is not.

So, you're there right now?

Yes, but beep.

Beep.

What I meant to say was beep.

Lisette motherfucking Charpinneau.

That is awesome.

So,

a French trapper must have knocked up.

Yeah, that sounds French.

Lizette Charpineau.

Yeah.

I bet you she was pretty hot if she was French.

She was Toisson Charbonneau's daughter.

Toisson.

Yeah.

Nice.

Good afternoon.

You reached the desk of Lizette Charbonneau.

I am Sakaji's daughter.

This is Sakajiwe's daughter.

If you would like to leave a message, please hang up.

And call us back when we are close.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye.

Damn, that would be the move.

Good afternoon.

You've reached the office of

Gene.

What's a good name?

Just any name?

Just any name, yeah.

Sometimes I have too many options.

So I'm trying to pick what to watch on that, folks.

I don't know which way you're trying to.

Good afternoon.

You've reached the desk of

Shawn Ultrasoft.

Oh, okay.

You've reached the desk of Shawnain Ultrasoft.

If you'd like like to leave a message, please hang up and call us back when we are close.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Just hanging up every call like that.

Being like, Charmaine, can I talk to you for a second?

Have you been

directing customers to call back when we're closed to leave a message?

If they would like to leave a message, yes, Philip.

Is there a problem with that?

Well, you should be taking the calls.

Am I not taking the calls?

Well, you're taking the calls, but technically, yes.

And then what am I?

Then what am I doing?

Well, the call has been taken, hasn't it?

If the call was taken, and I gave them an option.

If they would like to leave a message, they can call back when we're close.

Then

what am I supposed to do?

Am I supposed to not take the calls or take the calls?

These are your rules.

Listen, I'm just going to, I don't want this to turn into an HR thing again, so I'm going to go hang out by the candy machine and just wait until this government contract ends

and they fire us all.

Damn, that would be the life of being a government contractor, dude.

Yeah.

You don't have to do shit.

Nothing.

And you get paid so much.

You have like five years to do nothing.

Yeah.

And then.

Yeah, you have to work for like six months.

Yeah.

And once you're in,

well,

you have to turn in, then they lose the contract.

They're like, we're firing 700 people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it's all or nothing, baby.

Yeah.

I mean, not much different than the regular, like a regular federal job.

Yeah, I mean, working for the government would be awesome in general.

Yeah.

Don't have to do shit.

You show up at fucking 10 a.m., clock out at 4.

Yep.

Yeah.

Extra long ass weekends.

Long weekends.

Every holiday.

Yeah.

Sometimes you get furloughed.

That's chill.

Yeah.

You know, you get a fucking week vacation.

I did a moving job in DC for some, I think it was like the DOE or, you know, the Department of Math or something.

Yeah, I don't know what it was.

But we had to, it was for us, I got got the job off Craigslist.

It's a company that like handles moving electronics.

So you need like just a basic understanding of like plugs.

Then they just hired you off Craigslist.

They hired like, well, they hired like 50 people off Craigslist because they move an entire office in a day.

Right.

Damn.

So you get there in the like 6 a.m.

They're like, you know, if you're new or whatever, like, here's how it works.

It's just some company that like special,

they probably get a contract for $20,000

to fucking.

They pay you minimum wage.

They pay you, yeah.

You get $15 for the day.

and you, yeah, you just bag everything.

You just have access to, like, government servers.

Yeah, you bag everything up.

Like, you know, you go into somebody's office.

Like, they're supposed to take all their personal effects, but yeah, it's like moving, like, 500 workstations or something.

So it was like a massive job.

Yeah.

But there was like, I mean, yeah, it's like fucking DOE.

Like, nobody, it's not a fucking production company.

Right.

It's not something, it's not like multimedia or whatever.

And there was some guy in his office that had two iMacs.

And it's like, there's absolutely no way that this is necessary.

That this government worker has two fucking $5,000 computers.

I love that shit, dude.

Just put in a work order and hope.

Yeah.

Hope they need to spend money before the next budget so they show that they've spent, they don't get their budget taken down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's the most, it's the dumbest shit of all time.

It's like, well, we didn't need any money.

We saved actually $10,000.

They're like, what the fuck?

Go buy some dumb shit.

Yeah, right.

We're else they'll take it for you.

Well, time to have a birthday party for Lorraine's calf.

Well, she needs a birthday party.

That's true.

Fucking whore Lorraine.

Yeah, she's a slave.

One year at my old job,

they forgot my birthday.

I heard she fucked that janitor with Down syndrome.

No, she didn't.

I would love to be the guy in the office spreading like middle school rumors.

Yeah, I heard.

She has

huge.

I heard Charlene had nine abortions over the summer break.

Like, what do you mean, summer break?

Well, I was gone.

I was weak.

I was gone.

I was learning how to smoke weed.

I was leaving a bong.

I was like, me and the other guys.

With the other guys who work at Blockbuster over the summer, we're learning how to smoke weed.

We heard from a black guy that Lorraine has had nine abortions.

He came in as.

From a black guy?

The black guy told us.

Yeah, some fucking black guy came in.

He said that.

Yeah, dude.

Were you calling him a liar, dude?

That's fucking racist.

Bro, man, would you hate black people or something?

Yeah, Mark hates black people.

Yeah, I was trying to tell him that Lorraine had nine abortions.

I don't know if you heard about this, but some black guys.

I'm sure you've heard about it.

Mark would have said, oh, that sounds like a lie.

A typical N lie.

His direct word.

His exact words to me.

Jeff, we fired you

six months ago, man.

Yeah, I know.

I work at blockbuster.

I just come here to smoke cigarettes and hang out.

Showing up an hour before your blockbuster shift to have lunch at the office job that fired you in the shared courtyard.

I just to hang out at the cigarette spot trying to see my friends.

I miss these guys.

Yeah, so anyway,

Lorraine's pussy is in her ass, actually.

Lorraine actually gave birth out of her ass

because a Chinese guy.

Yeah, she let some fucking Chinese guy fuck her.

Can you please stop telling us the race of the people in your fake rumors?

Even though it's not technically racist, it feels racist.

Yeah, apparently when you die, there's a chemical that floods your brain, and it's the same chemical that's in pussy juice.

It makes you trip.

It makes you trip, dude.

If you go down on a girl, you'll go fucking insane 25 years later.

That's why I don't do that shit.

Not only that, it's gay, too.

Yo, dude, I heard Mark ate out that fat girl's pussy.

You mean Mark's wife?

Yeah, dude.

He went down

on Mrs.

Chamberlain.

Yeah, his wife?

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, dude.

He went down.

Isn't that gay?

That's the 37-year-old man.

Shit, I gotta go, dude.

Blockies opening up.

Damn, my 17-year-old boss is going to be pissed if I don't get there.

I'm due with Blockies.

I'm due with Blockies.

In like 15 minutes, dude.

There's a retarded guy that comes in every Tuesday to ask me about Ratatouille.

Ask the same goddamn questions about Ratatouille.

Yo, I heard Charlene fucked him.

Yeah, dude.

No, he told me.

That fucking black guy was like, yeah, you see, you know that ratatui reach on.

Guess who taught him in his ass up?

Okay,

check this, man.

I know for a fact on site,

he's got a little, he's got a helmet on his dick.

They gave him a little helmet that he wears.

He'd be wearing it on his dick.

No, that's what, yeah, some black eyes.

Dude, this black guy, dude.

Just a diff, just some guy doesn't work a Blockbuster either.

Just hangs out.

Spreading rumors.

The source.

Yeah.

Just a black guy that goes into rent need for speed at Blockbuster.

Tell the security guards to fuck off.

Just telling the security guards at his office job.

Like, yeah, you're a fucking loser.

Tim.

Yeah, try and take my ass to fucking in-school suspension.

What?

Do it.

You can't touch me.

You'll go to fucking jail.

You can't.

You're not a fucking fucking rent a cop.

John, come on, man.

Please just leave.

Please leave, man.

Please just leave, dude.

Don't make us ban you from the whole building.

You're getting worse.

You're getting worse.

You said one thing, and now you've completely regressed to being a 14-year-old.

Just get her to practice smoking.

Dude, I'm just doing my Sublime Tabs.

I just downloaded some Sublime Tabs and I'm smoking cigarettes, dude.

I got a lot of pressure at home.

Yeah, I think I'm going to.

My parents are splitting up.

My dad said that I can't do it, but when I go to Ocean City this summer, I'm getting a tongue ring.

Girls like that shit.

Dude, even though I don't eat pussy.

It makes you better at kissing.

I'm going to be so good at kissing next year.

Next summer when I turn 38.

I'm going to be so good at kissing bitches in Ben again.

I met this Ukrainian girl at M.R.

MR Ducks who said

she can get

KB.

You guys are smoking mids, dude.

This Ukrainian's got KB.

Ukrainian girl said she knows where to get KB.

What's KB?

Kindbud, bro.

Come on, dude.

Oh, that's a Maryland thing or something?

No, dude.

Clearly, you don't smoke weed.

Kindbud is like what hippies say.

BC KB.

Wow, dude.

I know BC Krondo.

This man doesn't know about weed, dude.

Check this shit out, dude.

Like smoking 1968.

You smoke mids, Adam.

No, I don't.

There's a black guy that comes in.

Don't say that on the face of the black guy who was telling me that Adam smokes mids.

No, don't say that on the podcast.

You said plenty of stuff about me on this podcast.

Yeah, he says he can get AK-47, which is government.

It's the government.

The shit they're calling the lad.

The government, it's called white China.

I remember by white Chinese people.

I remember my friend Nate was trying to sell, or actually, my friend

John, a different guy, was selling weed at some point in my life.

And he got all this weed that had, like, you know, when you'd be like, dude, look at this, look at the strains.

Yeah, dude.

Look at the colors.

And it was like kind of orangey.

Yeah.

And he was like, what do I call this?

Like, it's okay weed.

And I was like, dude, just call it like Maryland red.

Right.

And then

some guy tried to sell him weed.

Like, he was like, dude, I got this.

Other guy's like, dude, I got this other batch.

It's crazy.

And he was like, what's it called?

He was like, Arizona green, so it's just not even a fertile state,

just completely selling and bullshit.

You ever sell weed?

Yeah, I sold weed for what was it, four months.

Oh, that's right.

Remember when Adam was a fucking drug dealer?

Mm-hmm.

It was fucked up, dude.

Um, well, I'll tell you what, you can take you can place bets

about

how many abortions Charlene had over the summer.

Yeah, anyways, no, we're going to start talking about mybookie.com in a second.

I told you I was in Starbucks the other day, and I

heard the barista just being like, Yeah, no, he came in here and he said that

he said, you know, I

OD'd in the bathroom like two years ago, but I'm rich now.

Got my life together, living at the Ritz Carlton.

Yeah, he said he's rich.

He turned his shit around.

Yeah, you know how rich people go to Starbucks, tell baristas how rich they are.

They live at the Ritz Carlton.

They live at the Ritz Carlton.

Yeah.

Anyways, you can bet on whether or not that guy actually is not just overdosing at the Ritz Carlton now.

Yep.

Because it's a new season.

Or if he's ever even been to the Ritz Carlton.

Has he ever even been to the Ritz Carlton?

It's a new season of football.

It's going to happen.

Last year, they took

when we found out

football is kind of like Breaking Bed.

It's a lot like it.

It's a lot like early seasons.

Walter White was a hero.

Yeah.

I don't know if you know this, but the first Super Bowl in 1960.

I think earlier, but I'm not sure.

I think maybe later.

No.

Because there was the AFF, the AFO.

3 and 7 popped into my head.

So it's probably 3.

You split the difference.

Okay.

Okay, let's say it's 1964.

Super Bowl III was the Jets, right?

Shut up.

We're not talking about that.

Oh, because the Baltimore Colts lost?

We're not talking about that.

Johnny Yu, baby.

Johnny Utnidis, baby.

What year is the first year?

I think it's like

7.67.

67 was my first thought, but then I thought 63.

So it's like, well, it's probably in the middle.

Yeah.

Anyways, so in the early seasons, a lot of people don't know this, but the main character, Vince Lombardi, finds out he has cancer.

Yeah.

That's true.

That's right.

And he has to put money together for his bitch wife.

Yeah.

And she keeps yelling.

She's such a cunt.

Yeah.

She's a fucking

who, by the way, a lot of people don't know this, but Vince Lombardi's wife was also named Vince Lombardi.

That's how they met.

She was a woman named Vincent.

Oh, yeah.

I would love to get married to a woman with my name.

Adam Friedland.

He was like, Mama Mia, this is perfect.

I can get fucking married to this bitch.

I don't even have to learn a different name.

That's so true.

Yeah, that's true.

We're going to do a big contest and call it the Falcon Super Bowl.

Anyway, so he got cancer.

He got cancer.

He got spaghetti cancer.

And then to pay for it, he had to do

a super.

I'm going to invent football

to fucking make

and bet on it.

And

that's where football gambling started with Vince Lombardi trying to get a little rainy day money for his family.

But

as time goes on, he starts creating more and more illegal gambling websites and becoming more of a piece of shit.

And that's kind of like kills a Puerto Rican or something.

He kills a Puerto Rican.

And that's kind of where

football.

We're in season five of Breaking Bad.

That's right.

So football is now

racist.

It's racist.

It's bald.

It's got a goatee.

You're just waiting for the spin-off.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

You know, where

Bob Odenkirk's starting a useful thing.

We get to see the cheerleaders living.

You see their pussies.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nude.

Yeah.

Well, no, not nude.

It's about them living their lives despite being raped.

Oh,

like overcoming that.

Overcoming that.

It sounds triumphant.

It's going to be a show on Netflix called Bitch Slut.

But in a positive way.

Bitch slut boss.

Like recover, like reclaiming that.

Exactly.

It's like their n-word.

Mybookie.com.

And the bitch slot boss.

Bitch slot boss.

Available exclusively.

Exclusively.

And my bookie.com.net.

I actually don't even know what the dot is.

It just says visit my bookie online today.

What if it's mybookie.push?

Just Google it.

Yeah, just Google My Bookie.

No, isn't there a specific URL/slash come?

No,

there's a promo code.

But anyways, it's a new season.

Antonio Brown is on the Raiders, and he's white now.

No, he's not.

That's what he's saying.

He is?

Yeah.

I missed that.

He's still black.

I think he's probably white, dude.

Mr.

Big Chest.

Mr.

Big Chest is white now.

But he did get a bigger chest.

He did.

He got double D.

Odell Beckham is now Chinese.

Whoa.

That is true.

Even after he went to Cleveland, the paper smudged a bit.

Yeah.

I think he's in Cleveland, but Antonio Brown is white.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

And Andrew Luck.

And they're changing his name to Antonio Yellow.

And people are like, shouldn't it be Antonio White?

And they're like, no, why?

Right.

Right.

That's your racist white name.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Did you just assume his color?

Mm-hmm.

Because of his last name.

I guess some white people with jaundice could be yellow.

Yeah.

And a lot of white people have last name brown.

Jaundice is a disease you get when you live in southern Jersey your entire life.

You live there too long.

You get jaundiced.

Yeah, you eat too much mozzarelle.

Muzzarelle.

I'm jaundiced from not leaving Philadelphia.

From not leaving the Jersey suburbs of Philadelphia.

I got jaundiced in fucking Cherry Hill.

I got jaundiced.

That's the joke, Adam.

I get it.

Do you?

Yeah, because they say John in Philadelphia.

There you go.

My bookie is the place to bet on a football

every fucking weekend.

Every weekend.

Put your money in this trustworthy

website.

Buddy, listen.

If I ever.

If there's anything you can tell.

It's motherfucking.

It's my bookie.

Mybookie.something.

Look, they're your bookie.

They're your boogie, bro.

Would they fucking lie to you?

Your bookie loves you.

Taxes, mybookie.com.

Payouts.

They've got

better bonuses and more prop bets than any other sports book, period.

I love all the B's in that sentence.

Oh, yeah.

You know who loves saying that?

Vince Lombardi.

Vince Lombardi.

My book has got better bonuses and more prop bets than any other sports book, period.

Boobudi Babadiano.

A.

Baloo.

Jungle Book.

Yes.

Baba Booey.

Bologna.

Baloney.

Logana.

Bologna.

Baby Deeks.

Baby Ditch.

Hey, baby, come over here.

Why don't you suck on my baby ditch?

Take a little

pussy pie.

Take a kiss of the baby ditch.

They're hosting the first online handicapping super contest.

Ever is not what you think it means.

Yeah, first place is guaranteed to win at least $100,000, and it only costs $100 to enter.

So I'll tell you what, are you desperate?

Do you need health insurance?

Do you have cancer?

Do you have cancer?

You're dying.

First place is guaranteed to win $100,000, and you bet your ass they're going to pay you that money on quickly.

And it's the only chance.

And it will make a difference that you have cancer to them.

Yeah.

That's just for sure.

It is the only chance you have.

We are not going to

GoFundMe will fail.

You have to bet it all at mybookie.com.

Well, just $100.

Just $100,000.

Just $100.

Play it safe and bet everything you have.

Just be, yeah, play it safe.

Well, that is everything.

What are you going to do?

It's cure your cancer by being a pussy?

Even Steve Jobs died.

Everyone knows the story about the guy that was down on his luck and he just bet it all, went and put it all on black, went to the casino

and it pays off every day.

Every single fucking thing.

That's the mystery of the universe.

That story never.

How many times has that happened?

People walking into a casino being like, this has to work out.

It's awesome, dude.

And just a guy doing his job is like

no one really.

No one's even sad.

They're completely indifferent.

Yeah, you lost it all.

Okay, well, there goes that.

All you got to do is pick five NFL games against the spread every week to climb the leaderboard and score your share of the huge game.

But by the way, guys, that won't happen.

What we just described will not happen to you.

That will not happen if you use my bookie.

Not a flaky Vegas casino that's a public.

Well, you won't lose is the important thing.

That's why my bookie, you won't lose.

My bookie is always the right play.

Always, bro.

I'm not saying smart play because that's my own personal trademark.

Yeah, gotcha.

I have to ask Nick's position to say that.

Mybookie.com can fuck off if they think I'm going to say smart play.

You have to email Nick's lawyers.

You have to pay me millions to

say your company is a smart player.

Right play is fine, but that's not the smart.

What's the

sharps are doing?

You bet, you win, they suck.

My bookie is live in-game betting on every NFL game.

They've got the most rewarding player perks in the business.

And for you, fantasy guys out there, you can even bet over or under on how many fantasy points a player will score each game.

Damn.

So tell you what, you get up to $1,000 first deposit bonus.

Double your first deposit.

Use promo code

come to activate the offer.

That's CWIN.

Just come.

Visit MyBookie Online today.

That's M-Y-B-O-O-K-I-E.

And don't forget to use the promo code come when creating your account to claim the bonus.

Bet win, get paid.

Yep.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

You better do that shit.

If you have a phone, you are a lawyer.

Sucked my penis.

You are a lawyer.

Mybookie.com.

Tell him, go to mybookie.com and tell him, kiss my bumper.

Just kiss it.

At myboogie.com, your job is your credit.

Your job is your credit.

At myboogie.com.

Myboogie.com.

Your job is your credit.

Your job is your credit.

Jonathan Octon will be doing it.

Clinton Portis.

Just do all the reads like that.

Is that company even in business anymore?

You could probably get away with it.

Eastern Motors, they're still around.

A couple of my friends from high school

in autos for them.

Yeah.

If you're go buy a car from Justin Wells,

you're telling stop.

Tell them, stop saying you.

They'll be very confused.

Their business model was so goddamn funny.

I know.

Like, let's sell somebody a Maybach on ninth chance credit.

Yeah, well, look, poor people need escalates.

They do.

Salute to Eastern Motors, man.

Great commercials.

Royal Farms also had pretty good commercial.

They would always do Royal Street.

Gas station?

Oh, yeah.

That's a chicken.

It's Jack Chicken now, brother.

And they got a stadium.

The Raven Stadium is Royal Farms.

No, but the former Dew Burns, actually, not the Dew Burns Arena.

I don't remember what it was, but now it's the Royal Farms Arena downtown.

Good for them.

The chicken box.

That's what it's called?

Pretty good.

That's pretty sick.

That's pretty good.

And listen, if you are in Philadelphia on the 21st,

I will be there.

Buy tickets for that.

And then I'm in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

What's the venue?

It's called The Cave.

Yeah.

There's a million venues in Philly.

Just go to my website, stabby.biz.

Just go to his website.

Go to his website.

Stavi.biz slash tour.

I'm coming to Fort Wayne on the 27th, Indianapolis on the 28th, and Louisville on the 29th.

And I'm working on some other shit, baby.

I'm trying to be all over this great United States of ass fuck Raccoon.

And thank you for everyone that came out to the shows in San Diego and L.A.

this last week.

No, thank you.

Thank you, Revoked.

Yeah, Nick and we've been getting a lot of emails from a lot of gay men that had sex with Adam.

Thank you to all the members of the gay community that had sex with me.

I don't know.

Somebody messaged me, and they're like, Yeah, I went to see Adam the other night and I saw him leaving with a guy.

Leaving with a guy?

Yeah, they went into the guy's car,

the backseat of his car.

Really, Adam?

Is that true?

No, I will reject you.

Adam got an Uber and then driven a man.

I would got out and got in the backseat with him.

We had sex parked out in front of the venue.

I will reject an Uber if it's driven by a man.

You know that.

You know that.

I'm just telling you what I heard.

I only do chick Ubers.

You know this about me.

Yeah, whatever, man.

And Nick's just reporting what he heard.

Yeah.

And also, you know, Nick,

once again,

Nick is always right, but yeah, Los Angeles.

Yeah.

I want to sign up for that girls-only Uber or whatever, but you just wear a dress and pretend to be trans.

They pick you up and be like, oh, thanks for the ride, sister.

Boy, it's hot out.

Do you mind if I air out my penis?

It's so sweat from walking around in this dress.

They're like, you're the eighth guy who's done this.

Everyone thinks they're being hilarious.

I just need to.

You're incredibly offensive to members of the church.

Do you mind if I dry my penis off of your hair?

To say dry your penis off.

I'm just going to dab some cock sweat on your hair, if that's all right with you.

Just us gals riding around town together.

Just a couple of sweaty cocks gals

drying each other's cocks off.

That's a good idea, man.

You should do that.

Yeah.

Does that exist?

Do they have girls-only Uber?

They tried to do it.

They tried to do it, but then, like, I don't know, like, some MRA guy will always bring a discrimination lawsuit against them, and then it's, like, there's not really a defense of it.

Damn.

Yeah.

They kind of operate on the premise that, like, people aren't going to sue them.

Right.

And little do they know.

If the whole point is, you're trying to do that so you don't get raped, those guys will sue.

Well, you got to set up.

I'll tell you what, I'm not going to go see this Joker movie, but it is funny seeing just the insane takes from fucking dipshit liberals about that movie.

What?

That it's bad?

Well, yeah, Clara Jeffrey being like, seems odd that there's no mention of the Aurora shooting.

Seems important.

Seems kind of dangerous.

Doesn't it take place in the 70s?

Well, it takes place in like 1980, but the

placing has

nothing to do with it.

She's worried that the character will inspire more fucking mass shooters.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, somebody responded to her and they were like, hey, not for nothing, but James Holmes did not identify with the Joker.

That's like a common misconception just because his hair was dyed.

Oh, he didn't?

And it shot up a battle.

And Clara Jeffrey was like, Look at the way he was dressed and other things, etc.

And then, and then somebody's like, Yeah, he didn't have makeup on.

He wasn't wearing a purple suit.

The psychologist that interviewed him, like, confirmed that he was not inspired by the Joker and didn't identify with the character at all.

Damn.

And then she's like, Yeah,

I'm pretty sure those psychologists didn't interview him.

And then he links to an article.

He's like, yeah, it's right here in the first paragraph.

And then she's like, this doesn't seem to be.

Blocked.

Blocked.

Damn, you got to charge your jewel at him?

Yeah, you got to almost unplug the recorder.

Charge your stupid vape pen in the middle of the air.

Which will kill you.

Which good, by the way.

The way

dogs have fake balls.

The vape will kill you.

The way pipe smokers.

I want to die anyway.

The way pipe smokers actually live longer than everybody else.

Oh, I bet you smoked the paper.

Two pipe pal.

Oh,

Nick just bought a pipe, but he's been smoking pipes.

Tell us more about pipe smoking culture, Nick.

All right, give me a second here.

Uh-oh.

We're about to get oaky in here.

It's going to smell like

dude.

I remember the pipe you smoked in Chinatown in that windowless room was like a cherry smell.

That's pretty good.

And it smelled like.

Damn, my man is toking up right now, dude.

Damn, you're really ripping that.

Shit.

You don't inhale.

You just, it's like a cigar.

You just do it for the flavor.

It's just for the flavor, dude.

Majestic.

Don't smoke.

Don't blow smoke in my face.

Don't blow that in my face.

This will counteract the cancer you're getting from your vape pen.

Yeah.

It's not.

The vape will kill you.

It's not cancer.

It's that it explodes, right?

And blows your head up now.

No, it's like people are getting some weird mystery disease now.

Damn, that's

shit.

Well, can't wait.

You should just not smoke anything, bro.

Are you guys going to be at least a little bit sad if I die first?

Yeah, of course.

Thanks.

Yeah, of course.

Try this.

It's nice.

I'll give it a toque.

Yeah, you just put on it.

But don't inhale it.

Yeah, you pull on it

like you're trying to drink a milkshake.

Damn, that actually is nice.

Dude, I'm telling you.

I like that more than cigars.

I used to smoke cigars because

pipe tobacco is dry tobacco.

So it's like...

That literally, I kind of like this.

Dude, it's nice.

I'm telling you.

Damn.

Am I about to be a pipe guy?

It seems stupid.

Yeah, it does.

It seems stupid, but I tell you, I put on like TV and I smoke in the apartment.

I don't give a shit.

Damn.

Because it smells nice.

It smells better than smells.

It does smell nice.

Yeah.

I would smoke little fat, mild cigars because I liked them, but that's like a little oakier of a little bit of a taste.

I think I'm going to get back into hookah, dude.

Like when I was 16.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, smoking a pipe is straight in the cheese.

I sit here and I like I watched

the side the apartment.

I'm shocked at how much I enjoyed that little tote.

It takes like you know fucking 20 minutes to smoke a whole bowl.

That's nice.

And by the end, you're like so relaxed.

Fuck.

It gives you like a body high.

Am I about to be a pipe guy, too?

Don't be a pipe guy.

I'm shocked at how nice that was, dude.

Shut up, dude.

You fucking smoke mango vapes and shit.

They're not mango.

They're mint flavored.

The mint flavor jewel.

The other thing, too, is like you can just put this down.

It'll go out by itself.

You can pick it back up.

You don't like, you know, there's not smoke coming off of it.

Yeah.

That is nice.

They're great.

No, I'm going to buy like a huge.

Damn, that's not.

That was my word.

The thing I did not like about cigars is the aftertaste.

This tastes genuinely pleasant on my mouth.

It's really nice.

What is it?

Like woody?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's kind of sweet.

I mean, there's like

a little chocolatey.

Yeah.

Which you know I fuck with.

Yeah, and not in an artificial way.

I mean, they taste nice.

You have them with a coffee.

You just sit, drink coffee, smoke your pipe.

It's just, and it's at the end of the day, it's fucking great, dude.

You get a book.

I'm about to go to Greece.

I kind of want to talk about it.

I'm just going to become pipe Bobby Cowboys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll tell you what, dude.

You sit around, you gain six, seven hundred pounds, and you smoke the pipe.

You smoke it, okay, every single fucking day.

I tell you what, it's great.

My man needs a vice, dude.

Yeah.

He doesn't eat enough food.

He's trying to get off food.

He's trying to wean himself off food with cigars.

But it just ended up, he's both.

Yeah, that was me with Jewel.

I was like, I was trying to stop cigarettes, and now I just do both.

You do both?

Yeah, when I'm drunky, I'd smoke ciggy.

Damn.

That sucks, dude.

And if you notice this, the pipe holder is the dog that Dasha stole from Japan.

She sold that dog?

Yeah.

She stole a lot of things.

Yeah.

What do we talk about?

How's the Pacific Northwest was good?

I had a nice...

Thank you to everyone.

You go for a hike?

I did go for a hike.

I had a beautiful time.

I love it out there, man.

The summertime in Portland is beautiful, dude.

I got a hotel.

Fall in Portland is cool.

When it's not raining, yeah.

That's the problem.

It rains like every day there, though.

But, dude, there's like a three-month window where that shit is beautiful.

Yeah.

I just, I'm trying to go back to Ireland.

I can't go to Portland because it's the Antifa.

You would go on a pipe tour of Ireland?

Honestly, sort of, dude.

We should just go.

We should do it, Ireland, Greece, and then

I guess the bank.

We should do it.

South Africa.

My Chase Bank.

South Africa and Chase Bank.

Chase is, that's a New York institution.

We're not from there.

as you might have guessed.

We should just do like a week where it's a vacation.

Like, why don't we just go on random-ass vacations?

No, it's expensive.

Whatever, dude.

You already bought a house.

We still need to buy a house.

That's true.

My house is in Greektown, though, so it's affordable.

Yeah.

You could buy Greektown house right now, cash, dude.

The house across the street's for sale.

How much?

Good Brownstone, 1.3.

That's not bad.

It's not bad.

Shit in Astoria goes for like 1.8.

I think it's 3, yeah.

That's not bad.

bad.

Damn, dude.

Astoria is for a two-unit was like, and it was a piece of shit.

It was like 1.6%.

It's also Brownstone.

In Astoria?

Brownstone's tax assessment's fucking 6%.

Yeah, property taxes are okay in New York.

But for a Brownstone.

Yeah.

I mean, if you had like an apartment or whatever, it's like assessed at like 40% or something.

Yeah.

Jesus.

Damn.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Yeah.

That would be sick, dude.

That would be incredible.

Just going over there, smoking my pipe.

Where's the rent?

You boys got the rent or what?

They're like, it's the 15th.

Like, all All right, I'm going home.

Oh, fuck, I have to pay rent.

You can send me over to get the rent from them.

Yeah, you love that one.

It's one of my inherent skills that I was born into.

Yep.

Your class.

Your class of guy.

Yeah, my class of guy.

So, what else?

Yeah, I stayed in a hotel

in LA for one night.

I stayed there because there was a pool

and I went downstairs with my swimsuit, no shirt, and like flip-flops or like and a towel.

And I get there and it's just a fucking Vegas DJ club.

Hell yeah.

And it's just everyone's fucking jacked and like on blow and stuff.

In the middle of the day.

In the middle of the day.

And I was like, I couldn't even go fucking swimming.

There's a pool like that in New Orleans where I went on acid one time two years ago and I was just looking to chill and we went early as shit.

And it just, as the trip kept going up, it just kept getting more and more packed.

And there was like ladies with their titties out and there was was just like jacked guys, and like,

it was too much.

When I see a titty, I'm not prepared for on acid, dude.

It's so hard not to stare at tits when you're on drugs, dude.

When you're not on drugs, it's hard not to stare at titties.

That's a good point.

Down at the Rockaways, it's titty season, dude.

Girls don't wear tops there.

Interesting.

I went down there, but I went to the Jacob Reese Beach.

Yeah.

That's the normal.

No, no, it's, yeah.

Well, in Jacob Reese,

there are some titties.

No, there are some titties out.

And if you walk down to Fort Tilda, it's just titty central.

It was families.

It's families.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's families.

Adam goes to the non-traditional ship.

Adam goes to Pervert Beach, the Snicker.

Jacob Reese is reaching out to the side.

I go out right next to it.

I go out to see how far out I can swim into the ocean before the lifeguard yells at me.

That's titties for me.

I saw

yelled at smoking my pipe.

Smoking your pipe 60 feet out of the water.

I can't wear my glasses, obviously, if I'm at the beach swimming and stuff.

So I saw, there was this dude that walked past us, and he had.

You looked at his cock?

He was like, he had the perfect body.

And I was like, I was like, I think my friend that I was with was like, look at that guy.

He's got fucking perfect body.

And then this girl walks past us like 10 minutes later and she's like, I think Polynesian or something.

But she had maybe

the best breasts I've ever seen in my entire life.

Oh, yeah.

Just

the absolute best.

But I didn't have my glasses on.

Yeah, I know her.

I didn't have my glasses on.

So like like, we've met.

She went for a swim.

And so I went

to a swim.

She went for a swim.

I went for a swim to respectfully just, you know, see.

Respectfully.

And then the

guy followed a nude woman into the ocean to look at her tins.

I didn't like my glasses.

You would absolutely be on those flight lines.

I didn't have my glasses.

You are fucking absolutely the kind of guy that

got a plane

with 14-year-olds.

Well, to be fair, Woody Allen, in his movies, talks about fucking 16-year-olds.

Yeah, that's sad.

She was 17.

No, not in Manhattan.

His friend is bragging.

He's like, oh, yeah, yeah.

He's like, Max, they were 16.

Anyway, let me finish the story.

So I get into the water, and then I jump under a wave.

And you put a little tag on it.

No, I turn around, and then the guy with the perfect body, she has her legs wrapped around him.

They're basically fucking in the water.

I'm like, okay, that's exactly how

you can work out me and that girl.

No, it wasn't you.

It was this dude that

He might have had like 20 pack of abs.

I've never seen anyone look like that.

Damn.

Yeah.

But it definitely felt incredibly.

Were you more jealous of her or of him?

Of for what?

For his body?

Just say, were you more jealous of her or of him?

I was jealous of him

for being able to

have a beautiful girlfriend.

I almost had you with a Jedi mind trick.

No, it wasn't.

It didn't work on me.

Yeah, we got a couple of Jedi's coming from.

Oh.

Listen, Nick, I'm trying to navigate single life right now, okay?

Yeah.

This happens.

No, it didn't.

It happened a couple weeks ago, and it was, you know, there were breasts all around me.

So the way you were trying to navigate it was by

accidentally swimming into her title.

I was going to go into the water anyway, and I didn't have my glasses on.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't have my glasses on.

While you're making a suckle sound on the bottom, I didn't have my glasses.

Ma'am, I'm sorry.

I've sucked on your daughter's titch.

I don't have my glasses.

She was clearly of age.

I was looking for my friend Jeffy's plane.

I was trying to get on Jeffy's plane.

I did not ride that plane.

She was of age.

You would have ridden the plane.

I wouldn't have been on the plane.

You would have been on the plane.

Damn, I'm kind of fucked.

Like, the fact that that guy did not fuck with the Joker is crazy.

Everyone thinks that.

James Holmes?

That's news.

Nigga has a bit about it.

I know, but that's news to me that he's not a joker.

I didn't know that until

I didn't know that.

I didn't know that either, but I mean, it's like

why the hair?

You can't.

I mean, if you're like a fucking presumably, you run a goddamn magazine.

Yeah, no, she should know that, of course.

Somebody's like, oh, yeah, by the way.

I mean, even it like Clara Jeffrey

as anybody, you should just be like, oh, fuck, I didn't know that.

That's the way out of that.

Be like, oh, damn, really?

Wow, that's crazy.

That's fucking crazy.

Everyone thought that.

I know, everyone thought that.

But it's not being like, oh, this is fucked.

You're a harmony.

Shut up.

You're trolling me.

Stop trolling me, just shut up.

Yeah.

Oh,

turn your location on.

I bet it says from the Kremlin.

Sorry, I gotta go feed yogurt to my daughter who said Trump raped her.

Said Trump's killing democracy.

What is that dumb thing?

I don't know.

Oh, is she one of those people that she's like, she turned to me and said, Mommy, is America dying?

What?

You know, on the inauguration or something?

I don't know.

It's like, shut up.

No, she didn't, bitch.

Yeah, that didn't happen.

Maybe your daughter thinks she's the joker.

Yeah, no, that Claire Jefford tweets fucking great.

Joaquin Phoenix is my favorite actor.

I want to see it.

But it's, yeah, no,

people are upset about it because it's representation for incels or whatever.

Which is so, what's so funny about a lot of representation arguments is that everybody should, like, initially, it's like, everybody should be able to see themselves reflected in media.

And it's like, good.

Yeah, that makes sense.

But now it's like, except the people I don't like, they should not have anything.

There should not be, which is like the argument that fucking like those incels remain.

Yeah, can you not make Schindler's list because it's representation for Nazis?

I guess.

I don't know.

Is that the argument?

I mean, if you're seriously arguing that, like, oh, the Joker movie is dangerous because, like, the people that identify it with it, like, there should not be entertainment for guys that are, like, you know, faggots that

are fucking like hot topic.

I wish people respected me for acting like a little loser.

Yeah, exactly.

Like for being a mentally ill psycho.

Yeah.

You know, the girls don't like me.

Yeah, it's just, it's more that it's like, why the fuck are we making another fucking Joker movie?

Shit is stupid.

Well, I thought it was a moment.

Mainly, it's, yeah, I mean, who it's really for is for people that have been consuming nothing but baby movies for the last 15 years.

To feel like they're growing up.

Well,

to feel like this is a real movie.

This is supposed to be like King of Comedy.

Well, yeah, King of Comedy and

King of Comedy and Taxi Driver are both like explicit influences in the movie, but it's like just go watch those movies.

Exactly.

That's what I don't see.

Why are we watching?

Why are you making a shitty version of two better movies?

Because I'll go see it because it's got movies.

No, I think.

I don't like comic book shit.

I watch all that shit on the plane.

I watched the endgame on the plane.

Yeah.

I mean, Joaquin agreed to do it because he wanted to do a character that's not black or white, but somewhere in gray, shades of gray.

He loves the nuance.

And it's like.

Is that what he said?

That shouldn't be a challenge.

Is that what he said?

That should be.

Yeah, right.

Wait, I mean, if they're not a child, all actors in real life, all actors in real life.

Joker's a fucking dumbass comic book.

I know.

There's no fucking nuance.

I recently re-watched.

The whole point of the fucking character is he's just a dumbass evil guy with no.

Why the fuck do we need to know where the Joker fucking came from?

That is so stupid.

I recently re-watched the movie he made with Casey Affleck.

I'm still here.

I'm not there or whatever.

It's funny because they frame him as like, oh, it's a failed comedian that went crazy, and he's a criminal.

But it's like, it would make more sense if he was a failed actor.

Like, there's millions of failed comedians.

They just walk dogs.

They don't, you know,

fucking have to.

They don't have any ability to destroy the movie.

Is the creek in the movie?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's at the creek freaking out at the 4 p.m.

Michael.

It ends with him interning at Legion of Skanks.

It ends with him getting him and all of his friends taking turns having stomach cancer and doing each other's benefit shit.

Yeah, they're GoFundMe.

Go fuck.

Yeah.

That's how the real Joker movie is.

It's Todd Phillips, right?

That's weird.

It'd be great if.

I mean, I'm interested in it.

Have you ever seen his Creek burner?

Have you ever seen his

makeup?

I thought maybe I'd do fucking crimes instead.

Just how easily you could not get mugged by them.

You just

slap them.

Open hand slap them.

I want to see New York burn.

I'm sorry.

I thought it was free slurpey day.

Yeah, I haven't eaten.

I haven't had a sandwich in a week.

I don't know.

Sometimes I think some of those Creek guys could be mass shooters if they didn't find a home in comedy.

No, because they would have done that instead.

It's like you fail out of being the joker into becoming a comedian.

Yes.

If that was never in the cards for you, then you're like, well, maybe I'm the, maybe I'm the guy that laughs it all off.

You know, and it's like, no, you're not that either.

You're just a fucking abject loser.

Yeah, you're...

Sorry, man.

You got horrible cards.

Yeah, you suck.

Just go find a woman that's mentally ill in the correct way that deals with you and have a fucking shitty child.

Maybe be a good father.

Maybe.

Recycle.

Just leave the world at a net zero.

It doesn't have to be a positive.

Just don't do any harm.

That's all.

That's all.

And it's a win.

yeah.

Get fucked up off beers all the time.

Who cares, man?

I'm getting fucked up off beers.

I tell you, there's one thing I love.

It's getting fucked up off

beers.

Doing beer, getting fucked up off it.

What were we talking about?

The Joker.

Did you ever see Todd Phillips' first movie, the Gigi Allen documentary?

No.

It rocked.

Who's excited about India-Pakistan?

Are they going to war?

Yeah, soon.

Sick.

Yeah.

Oh, they got nukes, too?

Yeah, both of them.

Sick.

Wait, for real?

Is that happening?

Yeah,

so metal dude.

It's been a threat for a while.

I know.

Didn't it like six months ago something popped off?

Well, it's been years.

It's been like, and it's

like now, yeah.

I mean, now it's like.

They just got Ronnie James Dio, so now they're ready to go, like, step it up, do some metal shit, drop some nukes.

That would be so fucking gay, dude, if there was nuclear war.

It would be really gay.

Yeah.

That would suck.

Fuck.

No, I wouldn't care.

If they nuked each other?

Yeah, who gives a shit?

That would fuck up the whole world.

I mean, a little bit.

And then who knows?

Maybe somebody else.

Are there nukes that could end all the time?

You have to be careful about

where you're getting your fucking samosas for like six months.

That's true.

What are you talking about?

Who's to say somebody doesn't just slip a fucking nuke?

It's on the other side.

Take us out.

It's on the other side of the planet.

Somebody might sneak a nuke.

No, it would be bad for the rest of the world.

Yeah, like Bangladesh will get fallen out.

America once sucks.

Nepal will be fine.

No, man.

Once nukes start flying, someone will fucking sneak.

We have nukes in our arsenal that can end the world, right?

Sure.

Like a million dollars.

They don't have those, right?

We have more than anybody.

They don't have those, though.

I have no idea.

They got pussy-ass nukes, right?

No, I bet you they could fuck some shit up.

They got Hiroshima mistake.

I don't know if they have thermonuclear, which are like.

Those are the big ones.

Yeah, they're multi-stakeholder.

Russia's guys are

multi-stage missiles that or bombs, bombs or missiles.

It's like not because so the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, those were both like

fission bombs.

And then the hydrogen bomb, which was invented a decade later, it uses a fission reaction to create a fusion reaction.

And a fusion reaction, like it's like fucking completely fucked shit up.

Yeah, it's like 15, like, like,

I don't know.

Yeah, just look at H-bomb videos.

Is that what they have?

Well, in India and Pakistan?

I don't know.

I don't know enough about that.

But Russia has some six shits.

You know, Russia will fucking miss it.

That Satan 2 missile?

It's called Satan.

It's called Satan 2.

That rock.

It can destroy all of Texas.

Just like on impact.

Yeah, and we have no way of stopping it.

We got to send them girlfriends.

Do we have shit we could do to them?

Yeah, we have.

I think, I don't know.

I guess it's probably what.

Still, the Minuteman 2 was the last.

After the arms race stopped, development went more into

atmospheric bombs, like that gayest bomb of all time.

And,

you know, that kind of shit.

Daisy cutters.

Yeah.

Bunker busters.

Dude, we got to send India and Pakistan girlfriends so they don't go to war.

Chill out.

Yeah.

Get them some pussy.

Let's get...

Listen, if they all get girlfriends.

That's how we get...

If you make OnlyFans girls veterans,

that's how we stop this.

We got to send some people.

Every girl with an OnlyFans, you need to get 10 Indian Pakistanis.

Second them all up.

No, just send them.

You jacking off.

Didn't it come out?

Mia Khalifa made like $3,000 in corn?

Yeah, yeah.

The Minuteman 3 is the only one we have in service.

Russia's going to fuck us, dude.

Those are only $7 million each.

Really?

Yeah, I could be.

I could cheap, dude.

I mean, not right now.

Yeah, I know.

It would be cool if the Second Amendment five did that.

He's on a $7 million.

How would you even get it in the sky?

It's all self-contained.

It's a fucking

bomb.

As long as you have a silo.

It's a missile.

It's an intercontinental ballistic missile.

ICBM, dude.

Yeah.

Launch that shit.

You fucking paper straws.

Yeah, that sucks.

Yeah.

That shit's limper than your dick right now, brother.

Minuteman

with a moment's notice.

I really hope some nukes don't get because once a nuke is out there, bro,

shit changes.

It is the scariest thing on earth that we can end it.

I guess it's because we only have sub-launched missiles now.

That's where development went.

But yeah, I mean, I don't fucking.

This is shit that I would read about when I was 11.

Yeah.

You know, and I thought it was awesome.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You like weapons.

Yeah.

Did you like that show with that guy from Full Metal Jacket?

Snafu.

Wasn't it like it was like on TLC or something?

Yeah, it was Mail Call.

Mail Call.

Mail Call, yeah.

Yeah.

With Arlie Ermie.

Arlie Ermie.

Heads up, Faggot.

We got new missiles we're talking about today.

Was he in the middle of this ain't ancient aliens, homo?

He was.

Yeah.

Like, okay, Arlie, we're gonna have you scale it back a bit.

No slurs, Army.

Yeah, you can shout still.

I'm gonna cut off your ass and fuck it in front of your son.

You don't write in and tell us what your favorite episode was.

R.I.P.

to the legend.

Yeah, he was awesome.

Yeah, he he died in the last year or two.

I love stories like that.

Like, fucking Kubrick was like, yeah, we need a guy to consult on what drill sergeants are like.

And then just like, oh, just be in the middle.

Yeah, you do.

You raw.

He spent like years just in fucking, I don't know.

Where is it?

Paris Island or wherever the fuck those guys go.

I don't know.

To do Marine kindergarten.

Yellowing.

That's what I call it.

Yeah, that shit's easy to do.

I call it kindergarten.

Oh, you didn't.

Yeah, baby.

I thought it's by San Diego.

Isn't that where the Marines are?

I don't know, man.

Whatever.

I think you go to Paris Island.

Sounds French.

It's in France.

I always thought it was weird that they trained the Marines in France, but

they teach them the art of seduction.

That's right.

Drop and suck my penis, cadet.

Drop and eat my ass out.

Paris Island

is that in Texas Paris Texas that's a place isn't it yeah

where is Paris Island where's that random little ass city where they have like one Gucci store or something uh yeah it's in north or I don't know what is that place called

yeah ever people like to go do Instagrams there yeah yeah

yeah Paris Island huh South Carolina.

Ooh, it's an SC.

Damn.

I wish I had gone to boot camp and then quit.

It seems like it would have been fun.

To be there for how long?

Just to say fuck you to the drill sergeant?

No, not even.

I would do all the work and stuff.

It would be fun.

Why would you quit then?

Because being in the military is gay.

Yeah.

That is true.

That sounds like a really huge waste of time.

Yeah, yeah, that's bad.

Can you just quit?

I thought, don't you sign a contract or some shit?

Oh, yeah, you can't just quit.

You have to get medically discharged for being psycho.

Yeah, dude.

You just keep watching the fucking.

You just keep watching Suicide Squad over and over again.

Yeah.

Just the parts with fucking Jared Leto, dude.

Yeah.

Until they discharge you.

Weren't there?

He only had like five minutes of screen time and people got mad about it.

He got mad about it.

I don't know.

You got mad.

People didn't give a shit.

No, I think people were like spent three years in like the meeting, like feeding stories to the media about how he's eating his own turds.

To prove how crazy he was.

That is turkey.

He was nailing people condoms.

He was in the movie for one scene.

You know, being like, I'm going to suck your dick.

R.I.P.

to Heath.

Yeah.

The true joker.

They should just let every actor who wants to play the joker.

At this point, I think that's a good thing.

It should be like Tig Nataro's Twitter account.

Shouts out, dude.

That's ingenious.

Tig figured out a way to not only basically do what fuck Jerry does, but like you do it for them.

You just log in and you just tweet your best tweets on their account.

It kind of makes me sad sometimes.

How excited some people are.

Yeah, some people are like, probably call their parents.

Make sure to follow me on my regular account.

And then just the number doesn't move.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

12 people follow.

Mom, dad, I'm doing unpaid work for Tig Nataro.

Comedians suck, dude.

Yeah, I know.

Comedians suck.

It is so pathetic.

Yeah, it honestly does make me sad.

Yeah, it's a bummer.

I am so much happier as a guy that does nothing

at all.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It is.

I mean,

being on, I love being on the road and shit.

And, like, I started the more shows that I'm trying to write.

Yeah.

But it sucks.

I love being on the road.

Working sucks.

Oh, doing the shows sucks.

But being on the road's great.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, I miss that.

I miss being in hotels.

I miss fucking, like, acting like a dickhead in the hotel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In the airport.

I like acting like a fucking child.

Once you're in an airport, there's no rules, brother.

I'm eating Chex Mix for breakfast.

Yeah.

I'm having beef jerky and orange.

Or McDonald's.

Yep.

The Hudson News.

Oh, no.

Oh, I think I'm silent.

Yeah.

Is it still running?

Oh, it's still running.

It's all right.

Oh, it's still running.

Oh, it's still running.

I'm going to be a joker.

I'm going to take a shit.

I'm going to have sex with a man.

With a guy.

This is Paul Giamani.

I'm the joker.

Does everybody want to hear a joke?

Yeah.

Is this Vin Diesel as the Joker?

I would love to see that.

That's my problem with the Joker.

He hasn't really done anything.

It's about a clown family.

Because we're a clown family.

There should be a Latino joker.

This is the entire cast of Fast and Furious getting out of one car.

Damn, I want Michelle Rodriguez to be mean to me while I have sex with her.

Is she a lesbian?

Probably.

She seems.

She's got Leslie vibes.

She's at least bi.

You probably have to be a real alpha to have sex with her.

She's a real alpha.

You got to be like Dominic Torino.

That's right.

Who beat the guy who killed it.

Lady.

What?

Why did he go to jail?

He beat up a guy who killed his dad or something?

Yeah, some guy clipped his dad's car, fishtailed his car while racing and he pummeled him with a wrench.

A wrench?

Yeah.

He's like, this is what he looks like now.

He's a mental retard.

You know what I'm saying?

He's a retarded car.

Damn, you should go to jail, man.

Yeah, no, I still drive my dad's car.

I still drive his car.

That's the thing.

He made him retarded like him.

That is a real, that's like

Days of Thunder about a, you know, like about a, he's the best.

He's already got the helmet too.

Days of Thunder?

Yeah, if you make like a movie where it's like you find out that this guy's a retard is the best driver there is.

Robert Duvall coaching him.

You have to coach him.

Yeah.

It's not about that, son.

You can have the cookies.

You just got to finish the race first.

There'll be plenty of cookies to eat as soon as the race is over.

You got to calm down.

Go slow.

Some training montage.

Look, I'm telling you, Sparky, you're twisting the audio wrong.

I've been doing this a long time.

Is Tom Cruise like the best driver?

Robert Duvall really selling that glory.

Yeah, dude.

Tom's a mentor to a retard.

Tom Cruise is the best driver, but he drives California style.

Nah, he's a

fries in the burrito.

The story is he's an indie racer, and he can never become famous because he's not an Andretti or whatever.

So he gets in the name.

He just switches to NASCAR.

Right.

Because he's like, which seems easy.

I want to make a name for myself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm tired of not being cool.

Because I know.

That's the movie where you met Michael Brooker in it too.

Oh, yeah.

And pretended to have sex with her.

He's a car racing, boy.

Why don't you race that car into my ass?

You want it?

Why don't you get in that car and drive it into my ass?

Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, I was laughing pretty hard imagining an aggressively gay Michael Rooker the other day.

Why don't you fuck me in my ass, Jew boy?

Is Mississippi burning?

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

That's a good shit, eh?

Your officers are in the KKK and they're going around forcing people to fuck them in the ass.

Let me tell you something.

This is Mississippi.

we don't need a federal government coming down here and telling anybody how to live their life

that would be awesome dude

yeah

mississippi burning but it's a bunch of like a secret gay society yeah kkk

that's forcing forcing civil rights workers into sodomizing them yep to get topped by them yeah

i'm gonna do that dude those boys caused this problem themselves coming down here.

Listen, I'm from a little town like this.

I used to get fucked in my ass every day.

They come down here with a big, juicy Norman cocks.

You know,

you want to know why I moved away from Mississippi?

Everybody kept wanting me to fuck them in the ass.

Well, you ain't from around here no more.

You a city slicker like the rest of them.

God damn it, fuck me and my ass.

Come here, Sugar Lips.

Why don't you come here and smooch me on the lips?

Smooch me on the cock, Sugarlips.

God damn it, I'm a baby.

God damn it, I'm a baby.

Big tits.

I'm a fucking big tits baby.

I forgot about that.

I laugh about that shit all the time.

Just his face on a baby with giant tits.

My tits are so goddamn swollen.

God damn.

That's so funny.

Ah, shit.

Well, well, folks.

Yeah.

Why don't you come out and see us at Funny Moms?

See us at Funny Moms.

Funny Moms is

come.town to check to see if shirts are restocked.

The last shipment got fucked up.

Oh, that sucks.

And so I'm waiting on that to eventually show up.

But the shirts will be restocked soon, as well as new designs.

Now that I got some free time, I can sit down and draw some shimmy.

This month, Funny Moms, is the 16th, 23rd, and 30th.

So we were off this Monday, and next Monday, we're off again.

But then it's the last three Mondays of the month.

And

that's it.

Bye.

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